1 00:00:01,120 --> 00:00:04,840 Speaker 1: Lassie and futurist Dom Price was given some pretty bad 2 00:00:04,920 --> 00:00:09,400 Speaker 1: advice right before he became a father. A well intentioned 3 00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:12,920 Speaker 1: friend told him never to share pictures of his overseas 4 00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:16,160 Speaker 1: work trips with his partner because it might make her jealous. 5 00:00:17,520 --> 00:00:21,280 Speaker 1: On his first few long distance work trips after becoming 6 00:00:21,280 --> 00:00:24,079 Speaker 1: a dad, Dom didn't want to tell his partner that 7 00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:26,520 Speaker 1: he was having a good time in case it made 8 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:29,880 Speaker 1: her time home alone with their twins feel even more 9 00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:35,720 Speaker 1: challenging by comparison. But Dom quickly discovered the opposite was true. 10 00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:39,200 Speaker 1: So how did Dom and his partner change the way 11 00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:44,040 Speaker 1: they communicate after becoming parents of twins? And why do 12 00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:47,520 Speaker 1: they pay particular attention to when and why they're feeling 13 00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:55,840 Speaker 1: guilty as parents and as partners. My name is doctor 14 00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:59,360 Speaker 1: amanthe Immer. I'm an organizational psychologist and the founder of 15 00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:03,760 Speaker 1: behavioral science consultancy Inventium, And this is how I work 16 00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:07,080 Speaker 1: a show about how to help you do your best work. 17 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:10,080 Speaker 1: On today's quick Win episode, we go back to an 18 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:12,080 Speaker 1: interview from the past and I pick out a quick 19 00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:14,960 Speaker 1: win that you can apply today. In today's show, I 20 00:01:14,959 --> 00:01:18,280 Speaker 1: speak with Don Price about how he and his partner 21 00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:21,959 Speaker 1: transformed the way they communicate with each other after they 22 00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:24,240 Speaker 1: became parents too twins. 23 00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:27,040 Speaker 2: I remember the first time I actually physically went back 24 00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:28,880 Speaker 2: into the office for a day's work and I had 25 00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:31,080 Speaker 2: some meetings. I was like, I'm going in today. And 26 00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:33,840 Speaker 2: then I remember getting into the office and I got 27 00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:36,039 Speaker 2: so much done that day. I bumped into people, I 28 00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:39,440 Speaker 2: had adult conversation. It was great. And then and then 29 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:41,040 Speaker 2: I got a picture from a girlfriend popway to the day. 30 00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:43,080 Speaker 2: She's out with the kids doing stuff, and I was like, oh, 31 00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:46,160 Speaker 2: you're a bad dad. It's not what she intended. She 32 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:47,880 Speaker 2: sent to me a picture to remind me of like 33 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:49,480 Speaker 2: they were fine. She was fine, they're having fun. But 34 00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:51,440 Speaker 2: I was like, you're a bad dad. You're not there 35 00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:53,000 Speaker 2: to help with feed You're not that all the change. 36 00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:56,320 Speaker 2: You're like, what are you so you're having all this fun. 37 00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:58,560 Speaker 2: You know, you're having lunch, You're relaxing. You're not going 38 00:01:58,600 --> 00:01:59,880 Speaker 2: to carry in the world. I did have a car, 39 00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:02,080 Speaker 2: I had meetings and work to do. But to go 40 00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:05,120 Speaker 2: into that adult mode and be wholly focused on that 41 00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:07,320 Speaker 2: is very different from my work from home mode. My 42 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:09,320 Speaker 2: work from home mode is a lot of context switching. 43 00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:11,640 Speaker 2: It's I'll do a meeting, I'll do a workshop, I'll 44 00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:13,000 Speaker 2: do a zoom call. And then I'm like, I got 45 00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:14,959 Speaker 2: a half hour break. What can I do in that 46 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:17,120 Speaker 2: half hour? I'm not getting ahead with work. I'm like, 47 00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:18,800 Speaker 2: I can help for Echo something, i can put some 48 00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:20,519 Speaker 2: laundry on, i can cook some food, nip the seed, 49 00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:22,600 Speaker 2: mike or whatever. Because I'm playing two roles at the 50 00:02:22,639 --> 00:02:25,320 Speaker 2: same time, and I like that duality. I'm fine with it. 51 00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:27,760 Speaker 2: Like it's actually quite modal and it works. I'm like 52 00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:30,400 Speaker 2: spike of work. You know. I start early in the 53 00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:32,640 Speaker 2: morning seven am, us calls brilliant hold of stuff, and 54 00:02:32,639 --> 00:02:34,560 Speaker 2: I'm like, right, I'm going to the supermarket. I can't 55 00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:36,840 Speaker 2: do a supercowers to come back decent more meetings, decent 56 00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:38,320 Speaker 2: war works, and I'm like, right, I'm going to cook 57 00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:40,240 Speaker 2: some food. My brains trust, I'll cook some food, do 58 00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:42,040 Speaker 2: some more stuff, bath the kids, and I'm like, I've 59 00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:43,679 Speaker 2: got an hour's worth of working, meright. I'm going to 60 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:46,639 Speaker 2: get so so that modular works. But there's no guilt 61 00:02:46,639 --> 00:02:48,560 Speaker 2: with it when it's modulo, because I get a little 62 00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:50,919 Speaker 2: bit sprinter on the day when it's binary. When it's 63 00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:54,440 Speaker 2: Dad walks out the door and leaves and I'm sat there, 64 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:58,200 Speaker 2: even though my commuter works fourteen minutes, for those fourteen 65 00:02:58,200 --> 00:02:59,840 Speaker 2: minutes might as well be a million miles because I'm like, 66 00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:02,720 Speaker 2: I can't help if something goes wrong, right, and if 67 00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:05,160 Speaker 2: you need me if one kid's done something to the 68 00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:06,760 Speaker 2: nappy and the other one needs to feel if something 69 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:09,480 Speaker 2: happens and you've got one set of hands and two kids, 70 00:03:09,639 --> 00:03:11,800 Speaker 2: I'm not there to help. And that just filled me 71 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:14,560 Speaker 2: with guilt. So I was like, Okay, is that feels normal? 72 00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:16,000 Speaker 2: Like in a natural response. So I talked to my 73 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:17,800 Speaker 2: girlfriend about it. I'm like, here's how I feel like, 74 00:03:17,919 --> 00:03:20,120 Speaker 2: and it's weird because I want to do more time 75 00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:22,000 Speaker 2: at home, but I need to. And she's like, you 76 00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:24,720 Speaker 2: are the primary earner. You keep a roof overhead. Part 77 00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:26,919 Speaker 2: of your role as dad is to maintain that job 78 00:03:26,919 --> 00:03:29,680 Speaker 2: and that's part of your job. Don't feel guilty. So 79 00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:31,480 Speaker 2: then it's like, okay, cool, how do we handle this? 80 00:03:31,919 --> 00:03:34,800 Speaker 2: So the way we handle it is early warnings. So 81 00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:37,560 Speaker 2: I'm like, I communicated with work, with my team, my 82 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:39,000 Speaker 2: extended team at work, and I'm like, if you want 83 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,440 Speaker 2: me to travel for work, I need at least six 84 00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:42,800 Speaker 2: weeks notice. So like, why I was like, because that's 85 00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:45,320 Speaker 2: the only fair thing to do right. The only fair 86 00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:47,160 Speaker 2: thing for Beckery is to go right. In six weeks, 87 00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:49,200 Speaker 2: I'm going to Nashville. I'm going to be away for 88 00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:51,800 Speaker 2: a week. Let's plan for that, knowing that we can't 89 00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:53,800 Speaker 2: plan for it because stuff's going to happen, that's out 90 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:55,680 Speaker 2: of our control. But what are the things we need 91 00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:57,280 Speaker 2: to get in place so you're comfortable for that week 92 00:03:57,480 --> 00:04:00,000 Speaker 2: And I'm comfortable and not feeling guilty because if I 93 00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:03,320 Speaker 2: go to Nashville, but my head's still in Sydney, because 94 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:05,160 Speaker 2: I feel guilty that I'm doing need the job well. 95 00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:07,280 Speaker 2: So when I'm in Nashville, I have to immerse. I 96 00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:10,760 Speaker 2: have to be unapologetic. And so it was fascinating. I 97 00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:12,480 Speaker 2: got some really bad advice from a friend, which was 98 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:15,240 Speaker 2: when you're traveling, don't tell your partner how much fun 99 00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:18,360 Speaker 2: you're having, which which kind of makes sense, right, you 100 00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:20,920 Speaker 2: don't want to rub it in. But then with one trip, 101 00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:22,560 Speaker 2: I like I was down playing. It was like, you're 102 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:24,880 Speaker 2: not enjoying it. I was like, I'm actually having a 103 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:26,600 Speaker 2: really good time and I'm getting a lot done. She's like, good, 104 00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:29,800 Speaker 2: that's why you're there, Like, do that and I'm like, yeah, 105 00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:31,839 Speaker 2: why am I pretending that it's rubbish when it's not. 106 00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:34,880 Speaker 2: And so again we've been unapologetically honest with each other. 107 00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:37,400 Speaker 2: She's unapologetically honest if she's struggling or if he's going 108 00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:40,480 Speaker 2: really well, and vice versa, right, And so that that 109 00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:44,240 Speaker 2: candor and openness has really helped, and then the forward planning, right, 110 00:04:44,279 --> 00:04:46,479 Speaker 2: and then just knowing what is that ritual? So we 111 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:48,400 Speaker 2: have a silly ritual. I do all the cooking in 112 00:04:48,440 --> 00:04:50,480 Speaker 2: the house. I love cooking my relaxation, and. 113 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:51,960 Speaker 1: You take lots of photos of it as well, which 114 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:52,840 Speaker 1: I appreciate. Yea. 115 00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:55,080 Speaker 2: So the rule is is before I go on a trip, 116 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:57,640 Speaker 2: I cook all the meals. So the other week I 117 00:04:57,680 --> 00:04:59,800 Speaker 2: was in Portugal for an event with one of Alassian's 118 00:04:59,839 --> 00:05:02,760 Speaker 2: life customers. Flew out on a Sunday Saturday afternoon, went 119 00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:05,039 Speaker 2: to the suedmarket, filled the trolley and had a great time. 120 00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:07,960 Speaker 2: I cooked four different meals for Becker. Her old housemate 121 00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:09,719 Speaker 2: moved in for the week. She's like, if you're cooking 122 00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:11,320 Speaker 2: that food, I want to come and hang out. And 123 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:13,320 Speaker 2: I put all the meals for the kids, which was great. 124 00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:16,040 Speaker 2: That was my therapy, right, I genuinely enjoy it. But 125 00:05:16,120 --> 00:05:19,560 Speaker 2: cooking all that that takes the guilt away, takes the 126 00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:22,120 Speaker 2: pressure off the freezer. The fridge is full, so there's 127 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:24,040 Speaker 2: one less thing to worry about. I know you're going 128 00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:26,960 Speaker 2: to be fed. Anything else we can work out afterwards, right, 129 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:29,479 Speaker 2: So it's little tips and tricks of how we bounce 130 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:32,479 Speaker 2: it to front load back end stuff and then just 131 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:33,440 Speaker 2: communicate about it. 132 00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:37,719 Speaker 1: I hope you enjoyed this little quick win episode today. 133 00:05:38,279 --> 00:05:41,839 Speaker 1: If you would like to listen to the full interview, 134 00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:44,560 Speaker 1: you can find a link to that in the show notes. 135 00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:47,640 Speaker 1: If you're looking for more tips to improve the way 136 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:51,200 Speaker 1: that you work, I write a short fortnightly newsletter that 137 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:54,080 Speaker 1: contains three cool things that I've discovered that helped me 138 00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:58,279 Speaker 1: work better, ranging from software and gadgets that I'm loving 139 00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:01,520 Speaker 1: throughly interesting research finding. You can sign up for that 140 00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:05,039 Speaker 1: at Howiwork dot com. That's how I Work dot co. 141 00:06:06,320 --> 00:06:08,560 Speaker 1: Thank you for sharing part of your day with me 142 00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:11,479 Speaker 1: by listening to How I Work. If you're keen for 143 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:14,039 Speaker 1: more tips on how to work better, connect with me 144 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:18,159 Speaker 1: via LinkedIn or Instagram. I'm very easy to find. Just 145 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:22,920 Speaker 1: search for Amantha Imba. How I Work was recorded on 146 00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:26,000 Speaker 1: the traditional land of the Warrangery people, part of the 147 00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:29,320 Speaker 1: Koln nation. I am so grateful for being able to 148 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:32,000 Speaker 1: work and live on this beautiful land, and I want 149 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:35,719 Speaker 1: to pay my respects to elders, past, present and emerging. 150 00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:39,280 Speaker 1: How I Work is produced by Inventium and hosted by 151 00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:42,279 Speaker 1: me Amantha Imba, and a big thank you to Martin 152 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:45,239 Speaker 1: Imba who did the audio mix and makes everything sound 153 00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:46,880 Speaker 1: better than it would have otherwise.