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Speaker 1: Mom always always said be careful love those almboys. It'll

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Speaker 1: well use your head. They will tear you up like

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Speaker 1: a paper tour.

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Speaker 2: Oh no no no, yeah.

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Speaker 1: Yeah yeah yeah, oh no no no, then they.

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Speaker 3: Smell at you darling.

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Speaker 1: Anyway, it's a beautful thoughts that'll bring you down shot

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Speaker 1: to get your tipsy like god, drink love drunk girl.

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Speaker 3: Hi, I'm Amanda and I'm Rumby. Welcome to It's layered.

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Speaker 2: We're in a long distance friendship that started over twenty

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Speaker 2: years ago when we were in high school.

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Speaker 3: We'll be talking all things life, love, family, anything and

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Speaker 3: everything else under.

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Speaker 2: The sun, down deeper with us because in life, you know,

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Speaker 2: she and Ma layers, not Z layers. Sometimes like to.

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Speaker 3: Actually, how do we get to these layered topics? Soom

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Speaker 3: be like why are we doing this to ourselves?

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Speaker 2: I think just because we we wrap and we talk

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Speaker 2: and we're talking, they're like, bruh is it only I

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Speaker 2: think a lot of the things, To be honest, it's

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Speaker 2: more us kind of like we can't be the only

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Speaker 2: one to feel this way, right, Like I'm not crazy, right,

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Speaker 2: you know those moments we're like just us or yeah,

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Speaker 2: So I think that's where a lot of our more

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Speaker 2: layered topics come from it's conversations and then wanting to

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Speaker 2: like share and also help our listeners hopefully feel like

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Speaker 2: they're not alone, Like we're all navigating these waters and

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Speaker 2: terrains of life, and if we can say one thing

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Speaker 2: that helps you or just for you to feel like, oh,

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Speaker 2: this is not only me that's really good.

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Speaker 3: Of course that part, that part, because sometimes it starts

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Speaker 3: to think, is brand the only one that has no

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Speaker 3: more relationships? Yes, complications everywhere?

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Speaker 2: Funny enough, I was watching I finally built up the

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Speaker 2: courage to watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians the final season.

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Speaker 2: Anyone who knows me? That is my guilty pleasure show.

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Speaker 2: I haven't judged countless times. Yes. In one of my

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Speaker 2: colleagues this week is like when they found out I

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Speaker 2: watched reality TV like Keeping Up like Kromby, I thought,

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Speaker 2: when you go home, you go and write PCs. I

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Speaker 2: was like, geez, guys, how do I look like.

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Speaker 3: Profess?

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Speaker 2: I do? I literally? I was like bang Sun, But

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Speaker 2: then he came back. He was like, no, it's just

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Speaker 2: because you're a mix of eloquent and elegance, So you know,

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Speaker 2: I was like, Okay, I'll take that. I can also

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Speaker 2: be right that was the same. Yeah, I was like,

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Speaker 2: oh no, I'm actually maybe crime on the streets, but

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Speaker 2: I'm also ratched on the other streets. Just hold yourself.

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Speaker 3: As much as I judge you for keeping up, I

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Speaker 3: think it's just the fact that I understand. I do

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Speaker 3: understand guilty pleasures. I'm the same as Real Housewives of Atlanta.

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Speaker 3: I know it's absolutely trash, but like it was one

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Speaker 3: of the first and only representations I used to have

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Speaker 3: of black people on teas because as Australian TV, they

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Speaker 3: caught on quite quickly, getting the seasons like whatever ten

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Speaker 3: fifteen years ago whenever started. So I still watch out

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Speaker 3: of loyalty. But I know, like my brain cells are

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Speaker 3: slowly dying. Yeah, but it's like it's a welcome, this

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Speaker 3: welcome but yeah.

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Speaker 2: So exactly. And also some of us my brain is

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Speaker 2: always on. I'm always thinking, overthinking, so it's one of

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Speaker 2: the times I can like switch off, like completely. But

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Speaker 2: I was watching it, and I was looking at them

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Speaker 2: and like, the how far they've come. They're living in

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Speaker 2: these beautiful homes. The makeup always did here right, well

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Speaker 2: blah what but like it's Kim going through a difficult

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Speaker 2: time with Kanye and the experience. And I think sometimes

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Speaker 2: when we look at people like the Kardashians, like, obviously

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Speaker 2: there's a lot they've done that is like questionable, but

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Speaker 2: it's also like to realize everyone goes through things, and

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Speaker 2: I think sometimes media sells this a falsehood, like if

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Speaker 2: you are successful, if you are pretty, if you have X,

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Speaker 2: if you have Y, you don't have moments of like

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Speaker 2: WTF or complicated relationships that throw you off, you know.

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Speaker 2: So I think a lot of what we do is

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Speaker 2: try to normalize, like you can be thriving in areas

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Speaker 2: of your life but also have moments where you're like

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Speaker 2: what is happening And it doesn't have to be like

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Speaker 2: you know, of separate like they could. The two are

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Speaker 2: not mutually exclusive. They can exist at the same.

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Speaker 3: Time, definitely, And that's it's a great example you brought

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Speaker 3: up because they do probably define complicated relationships because you know,

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Speaker 3: it s Kardashian Jenna. So I was like, Okay, there's

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Speaker 3: a step. Then the step that you became transitioned into

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Speaker 3: a woman that's complicated in itself. There's you know, each

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Speaker 3: of them have had drama. Chloe with system no Kylie.

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Speaker 3: Kylie was now with Tiger. Tiger was, They're now with

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Speaker 3: Black China. Black China was now. So to be honest,

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Speaker 3: when you look at them, as successful as they are,

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Speaker 3: they are not very They're not cookie cutter, which is

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Speaker 3: what complicated relationships all about. It's not the way, you

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Speaker 3: know how this relationship is meant to work, but you

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Speaker 3: get given a different deck of cards, like what are

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Speaker 3: you gonna do? Yep, what are you going to do

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Speaker 3: with it?

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Speaker 2: Now? Thousand? Do you have any experience or do you

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Speaker 2: have a lot of rather experience with complicated relation Maybe

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Speaker 2: I'm mad at like defining complicated. She just defined it basically,

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Speaker 2: it's anything that looks different to what the norm is

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Speaker 2: sold as. And the norm quote unquote, which is a falsehood,

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Speaker 2: by the way, is the picket fence life where, oh

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Speaker 2: my gosh, it's so thoughtful, kind, respectful, love you as

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Speaker 2: you are, encouraging, inspiring, giving, like you know, all that,

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Speaker 2: anything that deviates from your expectation of what it should be,

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Speaker 2: oftentimes being in a more difficult, sticky gray area way. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: So do you have experience with complicated relationships? It could

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Speaker 2: be at work in family, it could be with friends,

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Speaker 2: it could just any any kind of situation where you

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Speaker 2: are existing apart from yourself, you're in relationship with some

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Speaker 2: money else and.

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Speaker 3: That Oh yeah, ah definitely. And I think like also

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Speaker 3: to add on to your definition, it's almost like a

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Speaker 3: bow curve. Sorry to be your scientific, but most people

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Speaker 3: fall in that like majority, and then there's like those

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Speaker 3: edges where it's like there's not as many people. You

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Speaker 3: know there, you're there, you've got community, but you're not

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Speaker 3: as serve and expects people to have a mom and

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Speaker 3: a dad and they die when they're eighty, and you know,

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Speaker 3: you get grandkids and like, you know, normal life, but

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Speaker 3: yours goes those left maybe maybe got two dads or

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Speaker 3: you know, like it's just yeah. So obviously for me,

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Speaker 3: I'd probably say a lot of my complicated relationships stem

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Speaker 3: from family. Obviously. My dad married twice, so there's dad,

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Speaker 3: you know, having to get to know a step mom.

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Speaker 3: You know, it's complicated in itself because it's like always

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Speaker 3: territorial obviously because you're like, ah, my life before you

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Speaker 3: and my life after, you know, like and then obviously

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Speaker 3: the family dynamic within that, and then also like with work,

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Speaker 3: I'd be pretty lucky. I've observed a lot of shitty situations,

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Speaker 3: but I haven't. Of course, in some way, everyone's gonna

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Speaker 3: have a bad boss or something at some point, but

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Speaker 3: not really like one on one. A lot of I

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Speaker 3: would probably have to say, A lot of mine come

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Speaker 3: from family. How do you how do you feel?

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Speaker 2: I agree? I think I have both. A lot of

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Speaker 2: my sleepless nights have been to do with work relationships.

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Speaker 2: I have had a lot of complicated relationships, whether it's

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Speaker 2: with bosses or work environment toxicity. I think I went

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Speaker 2: into the working world with a lot of naivity, like

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Speaker 2: especially that idea like oh, you finish college, you get

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Speaker 2: a job, and you work your way in whatever. You know,

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Speaker 2: there's no school for the company politics and kind of

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Speaker 2: throwing under the bus or the you know tape, the

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Speaker 2: you know sort of people being unethical or I've had

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Speaker 2: a lot of experience like where people came after me personally,

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Speaker 2: like you know, try and break you down personally or

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Speaker 2: to inhibit you or take advantage of you. A lot

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Speaker 2: of it too, obviously being black coming from the country

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Speaker 2: I do Zimbabwe like all of that mess. And Amata

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Speaker 2: can attests she's witnessed a lot a lot of that. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: and it's like you still have to go to work

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Speaker 2: and smile and perform because I know that check, but

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Speaker 2: it's like inside you're like reathing and like dying inside.

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Speaker 2: So yeah, I think and I.

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Speaker 3: Think that's the thing with complicated relationships as well. You

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Speaker 3: can't necessarily like leave them, so you need to find

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Speaker 3: a way to deal. So like it's like, I mean,

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Speaker 3: of course anyone listening will probably be like, just get

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Speaker 3: yourself out of that situation. But I think this is

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Speaker 3: more streamlined to like, but if you can't, like right

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Speaker 3: as I said, my step more, I can't exactly like

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Speaker 3: what I do was her like, there's no way and

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Speaker 3: like for you with work, if it's a job you enjoyed,

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Speaker 3: it's why should you now And especially when you're immigrant

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Speaker 3: and like you're like, well I found this job, I'm happy.

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Speaker 3: I can't be like always looking onto the next, you know,

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Speaker 3: so I want to build your career or whatever it is.

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Speaker 3: So it's like, how do you then deal with that?

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Speaker 3: What do you think has been your most complicated relationship

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Speaker 3: you've ever had? Like you look at that person and

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Speaker 3: you think I've learned.

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Speaker 2: A lot or you put me through a lot through

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Speaker 2: the whire I can think of you one, wasn't there

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Speaker 2: I manage an artist and just like no respect for

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Speaker 2: me or my time phone calls it foy, it's just

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Speaker 2: you do work and it's like you schedule interviews or appointments.

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Speaker 2: I don't want to go, No, they must come to me.

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Speaker 2: Just all that, and trying to be productive in that

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Speaker 2: environment and then like that inappropriateness and sort of not

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Speaker 2: being professional and still trying to operate, and even after

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Speaker 2: leaving that job or that still being like, oh why

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Speaker 2: didn't you know, still having phone calls at block. But

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Speaker 2: it's a lot like that was a very complicated relationship.

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Speaker 2: I was young too at that point, so learning how

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Speaker 2: to trust my voice in that in the midst of

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Speaker 2: the chaos. It taught me a lot. And I think

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Speaker 2: I'm a better for better employee, better working professional from

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Speaker 2: a lot of my experience. And then it just did

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Speaker 2: your boundaries and in my boundaries thousand percent. And also

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Speaker 2: not too long ago, when I first came here, my

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Speaker 2: first work experience was like terrible, you know, up to

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Speaker 2: the point where I actually was scared for myself, like

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Speaker 2: when I was trying to quit because it was like manipulation.

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Speaker 2: You cannot quit. I need your your visas going, even

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Speaker 2: though I had gone through the transfer of my immigration

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Speaker 2: status wow to my new employer and properly done properly

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Speaker 2: by an agency and all that irreputable, all that done

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Speaker 2: trying to manipulate it so my name would be at

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Speaker 2: stake and my status would be at stake in the country,

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Speaker 2: like just what you need to hand in, like my

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Speaker 2: visa card which he had no business getting, and you know,

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Speaker 2: all things like that, and like shouting at me and

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Speaker 2: me feeling physically afraid, Like that was like really jarring.

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Speaker 2: So I think we go through a lot. Bruh, it's

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Speaker 2: a lot. Those are the two I think situations that

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Speaker 2: really stuck out for me and for you, Amanda, Like

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Speaker 2: what has been the most complicated do you feel?

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Speaker 3: I definitely feel for me, it's been with my step

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Speaker 3: mom because I think it's like it's such a territorial

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Speaker 3: position to have in the African family and any family,

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Speaker 3: especially African, because the woman is meant to hold the

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Speaker 3: household together, she's meant to be the consul, she's meant

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Speaker 3: to be the girl, she meant to be everything. So

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Speaker 3: like obviously there's expectations then on both sides. And then

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Speaker 3: also historically within our culture, blended families or step parents

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Speaker 3: or half whatever they want to call them, have notoriously

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Speaker 3: been not good. We've never really seen examples in our community.

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Speaker 3: We've always associated with complicatedness, with you know, with toxic situations.

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Speaker 3: So I think because there's a lot of anger, right

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Speaker 3: sometimes it's like oh why did you remarry or why

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Speaker 3: did you remarry? Family, or so it always comes. I've

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Speaker 3: never I find it very hard right now to think

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Speaker 3: of a Zimbabwean family, I know, celebrity or otherwise that

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Speaker 3: have a good example for me to be like, oh

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Speaker 3: but they made it work, and Will and Jada vibes okay,

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Speaker 3: but even though they keep reporting on each other's one

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Speaker 3: blended family vibes, you know, where it's like, okay, you

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Speaker 3: know he has a son with someone else. But then

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Speaker 3: you you know, learn to live with it. We don't

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Speaker 3: really have a Zimbabwean pillar. Yes, yes, and like small

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Speaker 3: houses just made it worse as well, but just perpetuates

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Speaker 3: that toxicity. So I think for me, obviously it's been

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Speaker 3: very because I'm sure when she now that I've grown

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Speaker 3: through it, I see that she obviously wanted to assert

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Speaker 3: herself as she ought to in our culture because then

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Speaker 3: she needs to like rein it in right. But at

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Speaker 3: the same time, there was little to no respect for

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Speaker 3: me still grieving, me still wanting it differently, me still

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Speaker 3: wishing it was different. Like I'm fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, I

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Speaker 3: still want my mom, you know. So you almost need

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Speaker 3: to come through as a friend as opposed to authority.

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Speaker 3: So it's almost like, yeah, our love languages or our

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Speaker 3: just didn't gell you know, yeah, and like it just

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Speaker 3: felt very everything was like a fight. So the best

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Speaker 3: way to like spend time was to not spend time

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Speaker 3: at all, you know, like I'll come back home from

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Speaker 3: our fixture free weekends as you would know, when I'll

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Speaker 3: just be in my room or go out and meet

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Speaker 3: you guys for a movie or whatever. It was never

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Speaker 3: really and then that just makes it worse because you

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Speaker 3: don't get to know each other.

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Speaker 2: And ato like society is not really communicated, like period.

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Speaker 3: No, no, yeah, And then when family comes to visit,

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Speaker 3: you're all acting speak and nice, but what it's like

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Speaker 3: when there's no one, you know, And then if I

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Speaker 3: reached out to my dad, it's like complicated for him

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Speaker 3: because he just wants it to work, so he doesn't

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Speaker 3: want to hear that it's not working, you know, and

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Speaker 3: it's yeah, I felt at that time easier to shout

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Speaker 3: at me like, don't be difficult than to say that

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Speaker 3: your your wife, right. So I find for me it

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Speaker 3: has been the relationship that has tested me, surprised me,

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Speaker 3: pushed me, left me raw because it's so hayd. It's like,

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Speaker 3: even like now you're going through lobola and preparations and

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Speaker 3: I still think back on mine and yeah, even that

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Speaker 3: was would have been different because the setup is different.

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Speaker 3: But it's just I actually feel with age, we've both

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Speaker 3: calmed down and in a way we've both grown and

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Speaker 3: realized that it is what it is and a learning

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Speaker 3: And I think me being away as well, it's the

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Speaker 3: ultimate comfort, right because it's not awkward. I'm not living

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Speaker 3: there and so easy. And then when I come to

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Speaker 3: Zoom for like two weeks, I got no time. I'm

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Speaker 3: just here to have a good time, meet my friend,

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Speaker 3: my family. So it's still complicated. It definitely is still

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Speaker 3: teaching me a lot of a lot.

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Speaker 2: I can imagine. I think it's it's an unusual like

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Speaker 2: you said, it's not because you're living on the periphery

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Speaker 2: of what the top of that bull curve of a

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Speaker 2: family looks like. It's like you're trying to process, wait,

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Speaker 2: how does this work? And then you have personalities and

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Speaker 2: you have you're not speaking or communicating or just amplifies

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Speaker 2: and amplifies and builds and it's very I can only

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Speaker 2: imagine how hard it is to navigate something like that.

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Speaker 2: But how would you like what how? What do you

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Speaker 2: think even about blended families and how that? Because I

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Speaker 2: know Alicia Keys and Swiss Beats have tried to sell

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Speaker 2: us the dream of like you know.

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Speaker 3: The dreams.

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Speaker 2: Make it work and its yeah, what do you think?

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Speaker 2: And how do you even?

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Speaker 3: I've had blended families from both sides, so obviously there's

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Speaker 3: my stepmom as well, and then I have a half

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Speaker 3: brother as well, So then I got to like experience

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Speaker 3: almost both ways like yeah, yeah, and like I think

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Speaker 3: for me personally, it's how you address those initial feelings

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Speaker 3: because then that like it is the foundation. Yes, so

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Speaker 3: I feel like in a zimbabwe in construct And we

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Speaker 3: talked about this on our mental health episode Getting Help,

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Speaker 3: getting Therapy, because I think those things are where you

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Speaker 3: can like say what you need to say, because you can't.

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Speaker 3: You can't. There's some things that can't be left and said.

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Speaker 3: And I know a culture loves to leave things unsaid,

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Speaker 3: but with this, for this to work, it requires pure

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Speaker 3: honesty because then you can like give someone your boundaries.

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Speaker 3: You can say, oh, look, I'm not ready to share

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Speaker 3: my birthday with two sides of the family, or I'm

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Speaker 3: not you know what I mean. So it's like it's

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Speaker 3: easy into it's it's intentional. It's not just all or

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Speaker 3: nothing accepted, you know, like, and that's how like zimbabwans,

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Speaker 3: that's how we operate. Like you go on years a

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Speaker 3: new wife and it's like, oh, okay, I see way.

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Speaker 3: And then people make it seem like you're being stupid

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Speaker 3: for being lost, but it's like, no, but how am

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Speaker 3: I I've never been probably introduced to this woman, I've

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Speaker 3: never been you know. So I feel like it's a

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Speaker 3: lot of it happens behind closed doors. And then because

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Speaker 3: I was in boarding school, it felt like every time

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Speaker 3: I was going home there was a new change and

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Speaker 3: a new change and you and it's like, but when

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Speaker 3: are we getting to talk about this?

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Speaker 2: When?

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Speaker 4: And then even with the level of like this instability

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Speaker 4: as a result exactly exactly, and I think so the

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Speaker 4: only way blended families can truly work is if there's

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Speaker 4: time for that growth, that foundation, that therapy to happen.

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Speaker 3: And even having said that, some people probably never accepted because.

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Speaker 2: I'm not ready for this, and we spoke about it

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Speaker 2: too in the mental health episode in the sense that

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Speaker 2: you almost have to also look at seeking out therapy

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Speaker 2: or help, not only just from like let's come together

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Speaker 2: and talk. If that person says Jack, I'm gonna talk

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Speaker 2: about this or Jack, I'm gonna address this, how do

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Speaker 2: I exist in this space knowing I cannot cut off

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Speaker 2: these people like you sometimes understand why people are like

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00:20:34,119 --> 00:20:36,560
Speaker 2: you need to cut off certain family. I cut off

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Speaker 2: my parents and you're like, how did you cut off

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Speaker 2: your parents? You know what I mean. But when you

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Speaker 2: don't have that, or you're just someone who doesn't want to,

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Speaker 2: how do you It's also about finding ways that you

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Speaker 2: can be in those environments and spaces. Maybe it's limiting

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Speaker 2: your time a in those spaces, and how do you

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Speaker 2: cope and see yourself in that and behave and manage

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Speaker 2: your feeling and not let things get to you, but

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Speaker 2: also not just be a punching bag or like someone

347
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Speaker 2: who sees it all. So it's it's so layered and complicated,

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Speaker 2: and I think it ties to even with toxic work

349
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Speaker 2: environments or bosses or spaces. I think what you have

350
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Speaker 2: to learn to do is almost separate you're personal from

351
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Speaker 2: the professional and if you feel someone attacking your personal

352
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Speaker 2: without warrant or there's no there's no need is setting

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Speaker 2: boundaries and saying like, I don't believe this has to

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Speaker 2: do with my work performance, or if you have something

355
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Speaker 2: to share with regards to what I'm doing, please share that.

356
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Speaker 2: Learning to speak up for yourself in that way. But

357
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Speaker 2: when it's sometimes toxic people and you see they don't

358
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Speaker 2: have a comprehension of their own behavior or their own

359
00:21:53,359 --> 00:21:57,720
Speaker 2: like they're not emotionally aware, they're not self aware. You

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Speaker 2: almost have to watch them. Like I've had a situations

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Speaker 2: where I watch and observe the person and I'm like, wow,

362
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Speaker 2: this person really doesn't know how to handle their ex

363
00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:09,560
Speaker 2: y remove yourself. If I say anything, it's not going

364
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Speaker 2: to be heard or I can only express myself in

365
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Speaker 2: this kind of environment. And then the rest of the time,

366
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Speaker 2: you know, I don't need to engage in that. So

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Speaker 2: it's complicated, but also learning how much time you spend there.

368
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Speaker 2: Like you know, I've become the queen of checking in

369
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Speaker 2: and checking out of work, like when I'm at work,

370
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Speaker 2: sure I'm at work, when I leave work, check out,

371
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Speaker 2: like you know, trying to separate the two compartment yeah,

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Speaker 2: compartmental life. Obviously, when you're in a very stressful situation.

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Speaker 2: For me, it bleeds into my sleep patterns. So my

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Speaker 2: sleep is very negatively affected, and it's something I'm still

375
00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:51,080
Speaker 2: learning to ride that wave and how do I handle

376
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Speaker 2: that and deal with it? But for the most part,

377
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Speaker 2: like if I learned to just be like I'm at

378
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Speaker 2: home now or I'm at work, like doing that, like

379
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Speaker 2: live my life, separate me like that, it's hard.

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Speaker 3: It's so. It's hard, it's so. And every day is different,

381
00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,399
Speaker 3: right because some days you feel a bit different some

382
00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:11,000
Speaker 3: days and you need to figure out what your triggers

383
00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:14,440
Speaker 3: are too, like because this person will push them buttons

384
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Speaker 3: whatever your buttons would already be. So you said it,

385
00:23:17,359 --> 00:23:19,440
Speaker 3: you said it so well, like is it a time thing?

386
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Speaker 3: Like for me, I hardly am of ever a home

387
00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:25,359
Speaker 3: for long spouts because I know towards the end everything

388
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:28,000
Speaker 3: this person will say, which just annoy me, Like it's

389
00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:30,760
Speaker 3: just it's a given and I'm working on it. But

390
00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:32,680
Speaker 3: whilst I'm working on it, I'm not going to like

391
00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:35,440
Speaker 3: put myself to that extreme, you know, so and aft

392
00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:37,919
Speaker 3: you do like a week or two, maybe even travel

393
00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:41,520
Speaker 3: within zim breathe, come back, you know, just so that

394
00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:44,800
Speaker 3: it's not like consistently. So you need to look for

395
00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:48,040
Speaker 3: ways that if it's at work, like do you have

396
00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:51,800
Speaker 3: to be always in this person's referee space? And sometimes

397
00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:54,800
Speaker 3: some people will keep planking themselves in your life, so

398
00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:57,920
Speaker 3: you need to find a way to deal with that,

399
00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:01,159
Speaker 3: to keep it short and sweet and keep them moving.

400
00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:04,160
Speaker 3: I mean, we talked about these relationships and it sounds

401
00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:07,040
Speaker 3: like we're trying to find ways to avoid the situation.

402
00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:09,639
Speaker 3: But what happens when it's something you can't avoid? It

403
00:24:09,840 --> 00:24:13,120
Speaker 3: was like a love hate like with friendships for example,

404
00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:17,800
Speaker 3: a lot of people have toxic friendships or toxic relationships

405
00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:21,200
Speaker 3: love relationships. What are your thoughts on when it starts

406
00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:22,560
Speaker 3: to become too complicated?

407
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Speaker 2: My thing is and I also have applied it even

408
00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:31,840
Speaker 2: in my work environment, is doing like a pros and

409
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:34,880
Speaker 2: cons list almost of how much am I gaining from

410
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:38,480
Speaker 2: this situation? And how much is it costing me, you know,

411
00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:41,720
Speaker 2: in terms of my mental health or like my my

412
00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:45,240
Speaker 2: stress levels or whatever. And if you find for me

413
00:24:45,359 --> 00:24:48,159
Speaker 2: at work, it was if I'm not learning anything new,

414
00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:51,880
Speaker 2: I'm not growing, I'm not progressing, I'm not then it's

415
00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:55,520
Speaker 2: okay for me to leave. But then with certain relationships

416
00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:57,840
Speaker 2: you can't cut off, like if it's your Uncle's your

417
00:24:57,920 --> 00:25:02,040
Speaker 2: uncle what you want do, Like that's family. I think

418
00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:07,639
Speaker 2: it's never easy, but often in relationships that you choose,

419
00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:12,680
Speaker 2: you also have the choice to express yourself. You also

420
00:25:12,720 --> 00:25:17,000
Speaker 2: have the choice to create boundaries. You also have the

421
00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:23,040
Speaker 2: choice to choose to not be in those spaces. So

422
00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:27,000
Speaker 2: that's the other thing when it comes to relationships you choose.

423
00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:30,560
Speaker 2: I think with toxicity, it's trying not to add more

424
00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:36,320
Speaker 2: toxins to that toxicity, like you need to self awareness

425
00:25:36,359 --> 00:25:39,920
Speaker 2: becomes really important, understanding the situation for what it is,

426
00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:43,359
Speaker 2: getting help, even if it's an outside perspective on what

427
00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:46,320
Speaker 2: the environment, and if it is detrimental to your well

428
00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:50,520
Speaker 2: being your safety. Oftentimes I think it is important to leave,

429
00:25:50,680 --> 00:25:53,320
Speaker 2: but when it's complicated, when it's love hate, like sometimes

430
00:25:53,359 --> 00:25:55,600
Speaker 2: it's really great, but it's just one little niggling thing.

431
00:25:56,040 --> 00:25:58,399
Speaker 2: It's like can I live with this or is it

432
00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:02,520
Speaker 2: a deal breaker? Like everything's like which one? What? What? What?

433
00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:06,280
Speaker 2: Do I value more this or that? So that's what

434
00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:08,960
Speaker 2: you also have to ask. And also to know that

435
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:13,640
Speaker 2: there is nothing perfect and in this world at all.

436
00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:18,320
Speaker 2: And maybe it's an expectations thing of yourself, like are

437
00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:22,720
Speaker 2: my expectations too high for this person and this environment?

438
00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:25,840
Speaker 2: And I think a lot of hurt and disappointment comes

439
00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:29,640
Speaker 2: from expectations. I expect you to be like this instead

440
00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:32,920
Speaker 2: of taking people at face value. It's personally never gonna change.

441
00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:35,240
Speaker 2: This is who they are, and then just be like, Okay,

442
00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:38,000
Speaker 2: if this is who they are, I'm not gonna talk

443
00:26:38,080 --> 00:26:41,200
Speaker 2: to them when they drink or I'm not gonna you know,

444
00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:43,760
Speaker 2: things like that. I don't know if I'm even answering

445
00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:45,160
Speaker 2: the question at all.

446
00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:48,000
Speaker 3: No, No, No, you are you are. I think this

447
00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:51,639
Speaker 3: is just so tough because with friendships you want to

448
00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:54,800
Speaker 3: see the good side of people. Yeah, so when they

449
00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:57,200
Speaker 3: are that little bad thing, you're like, it's not that bad.

450
00:26:57,520 --> 00:26:59,440
Speaker 3: You try to like just you know, oh, they get

451
00:26:59,440 --> 00:27:01,640
Speaker 3: a better knowing when they're drinking. Oh, it's not that bad,

452
00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:05,320
Speaker 3: do you know? Because you're trying to not confront, and

453
00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:07,840
Speaker 3: it just depends as well how self aware that the

454
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:11,520
Speaker 3: person is exactly. Then then it becomes a conversation of

455
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:15,040
Speaker 3: is it your place to show them that there's a

456
00:27:15,119 --> 00:27:18,879
Speaker 3: topicity happening here, you know, and how would they go

457
00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:21,560
Speaker 3: about that? I mean I have I have had friendships

458
00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:25,040
Speaker 3: that have broken apart because the person wasn't ready to

459
00:27:26,119 --> 00:27:30,440
Speaker 3: fully aware. You hear that, yeah, And sometimes you just

460
00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:33,960
Speaker 3: know this person's not gonna there's like a lot of

461
00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:36,840
Speaker 3: there a lot of stuff going on before they can

462
00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:40,600
Speaker 3: even accept what you're saying. So it's sad because it's

463
00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:45,480
Speaker 3: like you lose someone great just because of some complex issues.

464
00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:48,239
Speaker 3: But at the same time, it's like, well, you need

465
00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:51,960
Speaker 3: to protect your sanity. So I think you just decided,

466
00:27:52,640 --> 00:27:54,960
Speaker 3: Like it's so funny you talk about the conditions, because

467
00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:58,919
Speaker 3: I always think that with Courtney, she sometimes comes across

468
00:27:59,080 --> 00:28:02,040
Speaker 3: very problematic. For me, I've only seen a little little clips.

469
00:28:02,080 --> 00:28:04,800
Speaker 3: I'm not an avid watcher like Rumby, so I probably

470
00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:07,800
Speaker 3: have a very edited e fact, I know I have

471
00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:11,119
Speaker 3: a very heavily edited thing. But I think like sometimes

472
00:28:11,560 --> 00:28:13,800
Speaker 3: she can just be like mean to be mean, or

473
00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:18,920
Speaker 3: say something, to say something sometimes Courtney for me, Chloe,

474
00:28:19,080 --> 00:28:21,480
Speaker 3: I think is just reactive. So if you do it

475
00:28:21,520 --> 00:28:24,320
Speaker 3: to her, go to you yes, Like Courtney, Courtney, I

476
00:28:24,400 --> 00:28:27,119
Speaker 3: think she doesn't like something, She's like nah, now you

477
00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:33,280
Speaker 3: know she won't try yes, yeah. Yeah, So I think

478
00:28:33,400 --> 00:28:35,919
Speaker 3: like people like that sometimes it's like sometimes you need

479
00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:40,560
Speaker 3: to dig deeper to find out why they are because

480
00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:44,000
Speaker 3: they might have their reasons, you know. But having said that,

481
00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:47,160
Speaker 3: they also need to then be open enough to tell

482
00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:50,160
Speaker 3: you their side of things exactly. So I think sometimes

483
00:28:50,240 --> 00:28:53,680
Speaker 3: with friendships you have to almost lean on your friendship

484
00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:57,480
Speaker 3: to be like, is this friendship good enough to actually

485
00:28:57,560 --> 00:28:58,520
Speaker 3: have this chat to.

486
00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:02,520
Speaker 2: Actually you need to stand your space, how you operate

487
00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:07,040
Speaker 2: the dynamic, and how you guys communicate. Yeah, And I think,

488
00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:09,960
Speaker 2: you know, one of the hard things, the hard things,

489
00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:14,120
Speaker 2: is learning to convey your sentiment or how you feel

490
00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:18,880
Speaker 2: about a situation, even if they are not fully prepared

491
00:29:18,920 --> 00:29:22,240
Speaker 2: to receive it at all. Like, that's a very hard

492
00:29:22,400 --> 00:29:27,960
Speaker 2: thing to do, and you have to know, like if

493
00:29:28,040 --> 00:29:31,240
Speaker 2: I say this, it might things might go really badly.

494
00:29:31,920 --> 00:29:32,840
Speaker 3: So am I willing to.

495
00:29:32,920 --> 00:29:35,880
Speaker 2: Say it and risking is going completely left? Or am

496
00:29:35,920 --> 00:29:38,800
Speaker 2: I willing to just live with it? For as long

497
00:29:38,880 --> 00:29:40,800
Speaker 2: as I can. You know what I mean? So that's

498
00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:41,640
Speaker 2: someone else.

499
00:29:44,080 --> 00:29:46,440
Speaker 3: Do you reckon? You've ever done that with family though?

500
00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:53,760
Speaker 2: Like Bond, Yeah, I've always been the most vocal about

501
00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:56,480
Speaker 2: a lot of how I feel in sentiments. Most of

502
00:29:56,520 --> 00:29:59,400
Speaker 2: the time is it's backfired and hit me in the bit,

503
00:29:59,480 --> 00:30:01,880
Speaker 2: me back in the you know our African families, you

504
00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:05,840
Speaker 2: know stuff like that you don't share. So I've absolutely

505
00:30:05,920 --> 00:30:06,200
Speaker 2: done it.

506
00:30:07,480 --> 00:30:11,800
Speaker 3: But I think it was worth it. You know, sometimes

507
00:30:11,880 --> 00:30:12,920
Speaker 3: you do something and.

508
00:30:12,960 --> 00:30:18,080
Speaker 2: Then from my integrity for who I am as a person,

509
00:30:18,240 --> 00:30:20,479
Speaker 2: and just because I look at situations of like how

510
00:30:20,560 --> 00:30:24,240
Speaker 2: can am I value? Can we? Just am I the

511
00:30:24,320 --> 00:30:26,040
Speaker 2: only one seeing this and everyone else is just going

512
00:30:26,120 --> 00:30:29,120
Speaker 2: to pretend like I've always been that person. I've learned

513
00:30:29,160 --> 00:30:33,720
Speaker 2: a lot less hot headed, less slamming of doors on

514
00:30:33,880 --> 00:30:37,120
Speaker 2: my parents. Yes I slammed doors on my parents before,

515
00:30:38,440 --> 00:30:43,000
Speaker 2: but you're brave. Yeah I'm brave. It's blackfired the heck.

516
00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:46,640
Speaker 2: But I know I have someone who feels like if

517
00:30:46,680 --> 00:30:49,080
Speaker 2: I need to express something, I need to express it.

518
00:30:49,560 --> 00:30:51,920
Speaker 2: Maybe the regret would be how I expressed it or

519
00:30:52,000 --> 00:30:55,520
Speaker 2: how I conveyed the message. But unfortunately, too, this is

520
00:30:55,560 --> 00:30:58,240
Speaker 2: something else we need to realize when you're in relationships,

521
00:30:58,320 --> 00:31:02,120
Speaker 2: sometimes our emotions are too tied in, so it's not

522
00:31:02,200 --> 00:31:05,600
Speaker 2: always easy to be as objective. It's easy, way, easier said.

523
00:31:05,840 --> 00:31:06,040
Speaker 3: Done.

524
00:31:06,280 --> 00:31:08,800
Speaker 2: It's not always easy to convey a message in the

525
00:31:08,840 --> 00:31:11,440
Speaker 2: way someone else wants to receive it, especially in the

526
00:31:11,480 --> 00:31:16,120
Speaker 2: heat of a moment. So yeah, absolutely done. It backfired.

527
00:31:16,560 --> 00:31:19,080
Speaker 2: Would I do it again? Probably maybe a little different

528
00:31:19,280 --> 00:31:25,600
Speaker 2: if I had the maturity the remix for it. And

529
00:31:25,840 --> 00:31:27,960
Speaker 2: to be fair, like some of the things I've said

530
00:31:28,240 --> 00:31:31,239
Speaker 2: in retrospect, after some time, you know, people have come

531
00:31:31,320 --> 00:31:33,840
Speaker 2: back and said, oh, like what you said, I've been

532
00:31:33,920 --> 00:31:37,280
Speaker 2: thinking about what you said, X y Z. Doesn't mean

533
00:31:37,280 --> 00:31:41,400
Speaker 2: they've changed, not necessarily, but it's at least I can

534
00:31:41,480 --> 00:31:44,040
Speaker 2: go to bed knowing like I wasn't pretending like everything

535
00:31:44,160 --> 00:31:44,600
Speaker 2: was dandy.

536
00:31:45,280 --> 00:31:51,520
Speaker 3: So yeah, I don't know if I've definitely had I no, no, no, no,

537
00:31:51,640 --> 00:31:54,120
Speaker 3: that's not This is the Leo in you, for shots,

538
00:31:54,960 --> 00:31:58,320
Speaker 3: because the Libra in me seeks balance at all times

539
00:31:58,680 --> 00:31:59,800
Speaker 3: at all times.

540
00:32:00,520 --> 00:32:00,600
Speaker 2: So.

541
00:32:02,360 --> 00:32:07,480
Speaker 3: Space, you get it. I don't want to be coming

542
00:32:07,520 --> 00:32:12,320
Speaker 3: in and taking things out. I haven't. I really sometimes

543
00:32:12,400 --> 00:32:15,880
Speaker 3: feel cowardly for it because I'm very vocal, very like

544
00:32:15,960 --> 00:32:17,600
Speaker 3: a lot of people who know me would think I

545
00:32:17,640 --> 00:32:20,040
Speaker 3: would just say whatever's on my mind. But somehow, when

546
00:32:20,040 --> 00:32:24,520
Speaker 3: it comes to family, especially, I choose my peace. When

547
00:32:24,560 --> 00:32:28,000
Speaker 3: it comes to complicated friendships, I choose my peace. Sometimes

548
00:32:28,120 --> 00:32:31,600
Speaker 3: I'm just like Brah doesn't really like keep it moving,

549
00:32:31,760 --> 00:32:35,600
Speaker 3: like I'm just well, I think I just I guess

550
00:32:35,640 --> 00:32:40,800
Speaker 3: it's very avoidant because I never really didn't get to

551
00:32:40,880 --> 00:32:43,160
Speaker 3: tell them. Then I guess maybe when I do, it's

552
00:32:43,240 --> 00:32:47,880
Speaker 3: like like a lot of stuff from ages ago. But

553
00:32:48,280 --> 00:32:50,960
Speaker 3: I think I just also know it's not going to

554
00:32:51,120 --> 00:32:54,680
Speaker 3: land right because as you said, emotions are tied. I

555
00:32:54,840 --> 00:32:57,920
Speaker 3: know I'm a crier when I'm heavily like involved, which

556
00:32:57,960 --> 00:33:00,880
Speaker 3: then makes it all sorts of me, I see. And

557
00:33:01,040 --> 00:33:05,120
Speaker 3: then I also know, like my brain, my mouth runs

558
00:33:05,200 --> 00:33:08,400
Speaker 3: slower than my brains. Then I'll be like over like

559
00:33:09,880 --> 00:33:11,760
Speaker 3: I just feel like it would just be a lot.

560
00:33:12,800 --> 00:33:16,800
Speaker 3: And my family tends to be typical African, very very avoidant,

561
00:33:17,440 --> 00:33:19,800
Speaker 3: very very sweep things under the rug and keep on moving,

562
00:33:20,240 --> 00:33:22,560
Speaker 3: so it would be I'll be I'm an outlier as

563
00:33:22,600 --> 00:33:24,840
Speaker 3: it is, and then this would just be out of

564
00:33:24,880 --> 00:33:29,360
Speaker 3: the stratosphere. So like I think it just and then

565
00:33:29,400 --> 00:33:32,200
Speaker 3: I moved to Australia as well, so I think it

566
00:33:32,440 --> 00:33:39,560
Speaker 3: just then perpetuated that hole we just don't out of sight. Yeah, yeah,

567
00:33:39,680 --> 00:33:41,360
Speaker 3: Like I think if I went home maybe as often

568
00:33:41,400 --> 00:33:42,800
Speaker 3: as you used to, like even when you lived in

569
00:33:42,960 --> 00:33:45,800
Speaker 3: South Africa, it might have been. But if I'm only

570
00:33:45,840 --> 00:33:47,880
Speaker 3: seeing you every two years, then it starts to start

571
00:33:47,920 --> 00:33:48,440
Speaker 3: to think.

572
00:33:48,880 --> 00:33:50,320
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm with you.

573
00:33:50,760 --> 00:33:53,480
Speaker 3: Am I really gonna like like my my dad told

574
00:33:53,520 --> 00:33:55,760
Speaker 3: me about my half brother and an email like this

575
00:33:56,080 --> 00:33:59,760
Speaker 3: is how avoidant. I'm talking like my brother and I'm

576
00:33:59,760 --> 00:34:03,240
Speaker 3: all brother and I were like in an email, okay,

577
00:34:04,360 --> 00:34:07,560
Speaker 3: But you know, like in some ways it was like

578
00:34:07,720 --> 00:34:11,360
Speaker 3: to avoid the shock we would have had, to avoid

579
00:34:11,560 --> 00:34:18,040
Speaker 3: the consequent questions we would have had two, and also

580
00:34:18,120 --> 00:34:20,600
Speaker 3: maybe to lay out your thoughts because obviously, like when

581
00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:23,440
Speaker 3: you're writing, it's like you can then really say all

582
00:34:23,480 --> 00:34:26,399
Speaker 3: the things you want to say. But in a way

583
00:34:26,520 --> 00:34:29,880
Speaker 3: that's quite sad that we never actually then by the

584
00:34:29,880 --> 00:34:32,840
Speaker 3: time we went home, whenever I went home next, it

585
00:34:33,040 --> 00:34:36,560
Speaker 3: was like, oh, well it's normal, you know, like it

586
00:34:37,120 --> 00:34:39,759
Speaker 3: I've ready, I've ready, I've already told you. So now

587
00:34:39,800 --> 00:34:44,400
Speaker 3: the anger felt misplaced to come a year later, you

588
00:34:44,520 --> 00:34:48,040
Speaker 3: know what I mean, Like, yeah, it's just and even

589
00:34:48,120 --> 00:34:50,160
Speaker 3: between me and my half brother.

590
00:34:50,440 --> 00:34:53,720
Speaker 5: It's like we've never even talked about it, like properly, properly,

591
00:34:54,320 --> 00:34:57,160
Speaker 5: we've never given in like, how does he feel coming

592
00:34:57,280 --> 00:35:00,239
Speaker 5: in knowing that he missed this whole chunk of our

593
00:35:00,320 --> 00:35:03,640
Speaker 5: lives where he could have could have been unvolved, but

594
00:35:03,719 --> 00:35:04,600
Speaker 5: it was hidden away.

595
00:35:06,800 --> 00:35:10,080
Speaker 3: And obviously for him, he's come in with that mentality

596
00:35:10,200 --> 00:35:12,719
Speaker 3: of I want to fit in right, because he's the

597
00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:15,759
Speaker 3: outside one, so he's like really keen to make connections.

598
00:35:16,360 --> 00:35:18,440
Speaker 3: And then we're on the opposite side of the scale.

599
00:35:18,440 --> 00:35:19,560
Speaker 3: We were like, okay, dude, who are you?

600
00:35:20,440 --> 00:35:20,600
Speaker 2: You know?

601
00:35:21,239 --> 00:35:25,319
Speaker 3: So like and maybe also and anyone here who has

602
00:35:25,880 --> 00:35:29,640
Speaker 3: who has later found out that they have siblings small

603
00:35:29,640 --> 00:35:32,160
Speaker 3: houses and such, please let me know if this is

604
00:35:32,280 --> 00:35:35,239
Speaker 3: right or this has been an experience. But definitely it's

605
00:35:35,360 --> 00:35:39,239
Speaker 3: kind of weird because the small house child or the

606
00:35:39,320 --> 00:35:42,719
Speaker 3: one coming to you has has known about you the

607
00:35:42,800 --> 00:35:47,880
Speaker 3: whole time, and then you have just found out. So

608
00:35:47,920 --> 00:35:50,359
Speaker 3: it's like you're totally my parents do this to us.

609
00:35:50,520 --> 00:35:53,680
Speaker 3: But anyway, it's like you're totally on opposite sides of

610
00:35:54,719 --> 00:35:58,320
Speaker 3: the spectrum. So then you're trying to like find common ground,

611
00:35:58,400 --> 00:36:02,280
Speaker 3: like they're so familiar with you and you're so unfamiliar,

612
00:36:02,840 --> 00:36:05,399
Speaker 3: so it's like, oh my gosh, how do we build

613
00:36:05,440 --> 00:36:07,840
Speaker 3: this friendship quick fast? Like how do we do this?

614
00:36:08,200 --> 00:36:08,400
Speaker 2: You know?

615
00:36:09,440 --> 00:36:17,279
Speaker 3: So it's oh girls, because it's like, yeah, your parents

616
00:36:17,400 --> 00:36:19,520
Speaker 3: just go okay, you've met, Like now we should just

617
00:36:19,600 --> 00:36:26,319
Speaker 3: be friends, and you know it is so strange. Yeah,

618
00:36:26,680 --> 00:36:29,040
Speaker 3: there's black tax thrown into it as well, like now

619
00:36:29,080 --> 00:36:30,520
Speaker 3: you're gonna have to take care of each other. And

620
00:36:30,600 --> 00:36:33,080
Speaker 3: it's like, I don't know if this dud didn't grow

621
00:36:33,160 --> 00:36:35,680
Speaker 3: up with him, you know. So it's like at the

622
00:36:35,719 --> 00:36:38,400
Speaker 3: same time, you also like I'm very loving and I

623
00:36:38,520 --> 00:36:40,680
Speaker 3: know I'm very generous, so like I'm also at the

624
00:36:40,719 --> 00:36:44,280
Speaker 3: same time like it's not his fault, so I'm conscious

625
00:36:44,320 --> 00:36:46,680
Speaker 3: to also not be mean to him. What's the point

626
00:36:46,760 --> 00:36:49,200
Speaker 3: in that? Like literally, what is the point in that?

627
00:36:49,760 --> 00:36:52,160
Speaker 3: But at the same time, it's like you'll go to

628
00:36:52,440 --> 00:36:54,080
Speaker 3: right sh just be angry and the only person you

629
00:36:54,160 --> 00:36:56,320
Speaker 3: can be angry at would be because you can't be

630
00:36:56,360 --> 00:36:59,680
Speaker 3: angry with your parents. But your parents is like they

631
00:36:59,680 --> 00:37:02,960
Speaker 3: don't yeh literally don't care to them. They've now told

632
00:37:03,040 --> 00:37:06,160
Speaker 3: you except this is life, you know, So I'll be

633
00:37:06,239 --> 00:37:08,600
Speaker 3: really keen to here, Like if any of our listeners

634
00:37:08,640 --> 00:37:13,000
Speaker 3: have experienced this, or please what type of relationships you

635
00:37:13,120 --> 00:37:15,840
Speaker 3: do have with your half siblings. If you have a relationship,

636
00:37:15,880 --> 00:37:18,600
Speaker 3: some people are pretty quick to just cut that and

637
00:37:18,880 --> 00:37:22,000
Speaker 3: not not ever letting. And then some people, as I said,

638
00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:25,719
Speaker 3: will blend it in completely and act like they've been

639
00:37:25,960 --> 00:37:31,480
Speaker 3: siblings forever. So it's it's it's strange.

640
00:37:31,719 --> 00:37:35,520
Speaker 2: It's super strange, very strange and very lived. Would you

641
00:37:35,840 --> 00:37:39,319
Speaker 2: do you have any advice on how to navigate these

642
00:37:40,520 --> 00:37:44,600
Speaker 2: really complicated relationships, like is there anything we can have

643
00:37:44,760 --> 00:37:45,240
Speaker 2: with people?

644
00:37:45,440 --> 00:37:47,000
Speaker 3: I feel like I need that.

645
00:37:53,200 --> 00:37:54,239
Speaker 2: Help you.

646
00:37:57,120 --> 00:38:00,239
Speaker 3: Definitely, I think just to talk about it like to

647
00:38:00,400 --> 00:38:03,760
Speaker 3: be and also not to sweat the small stuff. Okay,

648
00:38:04,800 --> 00:38:07,280
Speaker 3: I think I think as I said before with Roorra

649
00:38:07,520 --> 00:38:10,640
Speaker 3: and now, because you find when you're presenting yourselves as

650
00:38:10,640 --> 00:38:14,840
Speaker 3: a family, those family things come up right. Obviously, RA

651
00:38:15,080 --> 00:38:17,480
Speaker 3: was a big learning curve for me as well, because

652
00:38:17,480 --> 00:38:19,920
Speaker 3: I learned not to sweat the small stuff and in

653
00:38:20,040 --> 00:38:22,839
Speaker 3: doing that allowed me and my stepmom to have quite

654
00:38:22,960 --> 00:38:27,279
Speaker 3: common ground and put together like a good celebration. And

655
00:38:28,200 --> 00:38:30,320
Speaker 3: you know, I was really really surprised a lot of

656
00:38:30,400 --> 00:38:33,000
Speaker 3: things she did for me and was there for me.

657
00:38:33,480 --> 00:38:36,200
Speaker 3: But I think I also allowed her to be, so

658
00:38:36,400 --> 00:38:40,080
Speaker 3: I think it's like having a lot of grace and

659
00:38:40,239 --> 00:38:43,719
Speaker 3: being the bigger person, which is really hard. So much

660
00:38:43,800 --> 00:38:44,759
Speaker 3: easier said than.

661
00:38:44,760 --> 00:38:47,600
Speaker 2: That, especially when you're the younger. You're like I'm the child,

662
00:38:47,640 --> 00:38:51,600
Speaker 2: though I'm like, yes, yes, And.

663
00:38:51,600 --> 00:38:54,160
Speaker 3: Then hopefully, if I mean, as we talked about mental health,

664
00:38:54,239 --> 00:38:56,719
Speaker 3: if you've gone for therapy, hopefully you've also learned a

665
00:38:56,800 --> 00:39:00,719
Speaker 3: couple of tools to use. And our parents never will.

666
00:39:00,920 --> 00:39:03,440
Speaker 3: I'm not even going to say they never will, and

667
00:39:03,640 --> 00:39:05,840
Speaker 3: they are at that age where they also stubborn, so

668
00:39:06,800 --> 00:39:09,640
Speaker 3: it's almost like, yeah, you need to do the work

669
00:39:09,719 --> 00:39:13,880
Speaker 3: sometimes for both of you and just learn how to

670
00:39:14,800 --> 00:39:16,759
Speaker 3: navigate the ickiness.

671
00:39:17,160 --> 00:39:20,279
Speaker 2: Yes, for sure, I agree, And I think you hit

672
00:39:20,320 --> 00:39:23,160
Speaker 2: the nail on the head about like sometimes it's about

673
00:39:23,239 --> 00:39:27,600
Speaker 2: you doing the work for you both. I think for me,

674
00:39:28,440 --> 00:39:33,160
Speaker 2: how with complicated relationships, I think I've realized I had

675
00:39:34,000 --> 00:39:37,160
Speaker 2: expectations of what family is meant to be, like what

676
00:39:37,360 --> 00:39:43,120
Speaker 2: family and sometimes you grapple with yeah, everyone thinks for this,

677
00:39:43,480 --> 00:39:45,600
Speaker 2: but we're not, you know what I mean, Or like

678
00:39:45,960 --> 00:39:47,719
Speaker 2: I thought, family is supposed to be like this, but

679
00:39:47,920 --> 00:39:52,400
Speaker 2: it's not. For my work, environment's supposed to be like this,

680
00:39:52,640 --> 00:39:56,799
Speaker 2: but it's not. I thought her biggest fallacy. I thought

681
00:39:56,880 --> 00:40:01,319
Speaker 2: life was a meritocracy, like if I didn't, well I'm

682
00:40:01,400 --> 00:40:07,000
Speaker 2: going to be successful. But it's completely false. So what

683
00:40:07,239 --> 00:40:11,520
Speaker 2: I'm I've really had to learn is managing and handling myself,

684
00:40:11,719 --> 00:40:16,560
Speaker 2: my expectations, my thoughts, accepting the My siblings are really

685
00:40:16,680 --> 00:40:19,200
Speaker 2: great in accepting like it is what it is or

686
00:40:19,280 --> 00:40:21,319
Speaker 2: this is how it is, whereas I'm like, well, why

687
00:40:21,400 --> 00:40:23,520
Speaker 2: is it a post if not supposed to me like this?

688
00:40:24,719 --> 00:40:27,640
Speaker 2: And I think there's marriage to both perspectives, but also

689
00:40:27,719 --> 00:40:29,440
Speaker 2: knowing when do you need to channel your energy and

690
00:40:29,440 --> 00:40:30,480
Speaker 2: when do you just have to be like, you know

691
00:40:30,600 --> 00:40:34,759
Speaker 2: what tds what it eat is for real? That is

692
00:40:34,880 --> 00:40:39,160
Speaker 2: my personal advice with regards to this is just knowing

693
00:40:39,239 --> 00:40:44,200
Speaker 2: what's worth the fight and what's not. Knowing pouring into

694
00:40:44,320 --> 00:40:48,120
Speaker 2: yourself so you have the tools and the strength and

695
00:40:48,239 --> 00:40:52,800
Speaker 2: the you know, the mental gymnastics to handle these sky situations,

696
00:40:54,080 --> 00:40:56,440
Speaker 2: and also then pulling out when you need to, like

697
00:40:56,560 --> 00:40:59,919
Speaker 2: taking time. Don't just immerse yourself in that all the time,

698
00:41:00,120 --> 00:41:03,719
Speaker 2: you know, take time away and take a breather. Yeah,

699
00:41:04,040 --> 00:41:06,200
Speaker 2: but yeah, we could go on and.

700
00:41:06,360 --> 00:41:08,719
Speaker 3: We could go on. Girl, do you think you've ever

701
00:41:08,880 --> 00:41:13,399
Speaker 3: been the toxic person and in any relationship you've had, Yeah,

702
00:41:13,480 --> 00:41:18,800
Speaker 3: do you ever think like maybe that was was a villain? No?

703
00:41:19,120 --> 00:41:22,759
Speaker 2: For sure, I can see him like, well I always knew.

704
00:41:22,880 --> 00:41:22,920
Speaker 1: No.

705
00:41:24,920 --> 00:41:31,799
Speaker 2: I think in certain maybe romantic contexts, I had expectations

706
00:41:31,840 --> 00:41:39,120
Speaker 2: of someone without truly knowing them or where they were at,

707
00:41:39,719 --> 00:41:43,320
Speaker 2: and so I felt a right and entitlement to be

708
00:41:43,480 --> 00:41:47,319
Speaker 2: like you should but really like it's fine, and then

709
00:41:47,480 --> 00:41:51,680
Speaker 2: acting out on that triggers again. You know, we've spoken

710
00:41:51,719 --> 00:41:54,160
Speaker 2: about triggers and how it triggered something, and then you

711
00:41:54,320 --> 00:41:59,560
Speaker 2: lash out. So then it's like thousand percent like maybe

712
00:41:59,800 --> 00:42:02,719
Speaker 2: was wanted that I was toxic about that in that

713
00:42:02,880 --> 00:42:09,600
Speaker 2: situation many somewhat, but I didn't need to. And then you,

714
00:42:09,880 --> 00:42:14,640
Speaker 2: instead of handling the situation or resolving, it just escalates, escalates,

715
00:42:14,680 --> 00:42:17,799
Speaker 2: and then it just blows up. So I have been

716
00:42:18,480 --> 00:42:20,040
Speaker 2: would you say you've been?

717
00:42:22,320 --> 00:42:22,520
Speaker 3: Yeah?

718
00:42:22,600 --> 00:42:22,879
Speaker 2: I think.

719
00:42:23,040 --> 00:42:27,640
Speaker 3: I think sometimes the bad thing about bottling things up

720
00:42:27,760 --> 00:42:31,839
Speaker 3: or just thinking it's moved on you is then when

721
00:42:31,920 --> 00:42:36,640
Speaker 3: it comes up, it just blows over, like boils boils over,

722
00:42:37,200 --> 00:42:40,600
Speaker 3: And I think for me it's been then not recognizing

723
00:42:40,719 --> 00:42:42,920
Speaker 3: that it's a two way street, right, I feel this way,

724
00:42:43,360 --> 00:42:47,280
Speaker 3: but this person also feels that other way. So sometimes

725
00:42:47,320 --> 00:42:49,560
Speaker 3: I'm so keen for you to just know how I'm feeling,

726
00:42:49,640 --> 00:42:52,320
Speaker 3: how I'm feeling, how I'm feeling that I forget to

727
00:42:52,440 --> 00:42:55,360
Speaker 3: also just be like, okay, but what about you, like

728
00:42:55,440 --> 00:42:58,440
Speaker 3: it's not only happening yeah, And then also to try

729
00:42:58,440 --> 00:43:02,120
Speaker 3: to see from their perspective. I think I've learnt a

730
00:43:02,360 --> 00:43:06,240
Speaker 3: lot to do that, to try just be like, okay,

731
00:43:07,160 --> 00:43:09,440
Speaker 3: but how are they feeling about it? How are they

732
00:43:10,320 --> 00:43:14,000
Speaker 3: trying try to consider the other side. I think sometimes

733
00:43:14,360 --> 00:43:17,360
Speaker 3: we're so quick to just say how we feel, that

734
00:43:17,480 --> 00:43:20,920
Speaker 3: we forget that it's landing somewhere right and that they

735
00:43:21,080 --> 00:43:24,719
Speaker 3: feel how they feel too. So then who's right? Who's wrong?

736
00:43:24,960 --> 00:43:26,959
Speaker 3: Like you know, there's no right, there's no wrong.

737
00:43:27,520 --> 00:43:30,600
Speaker 2: And sometimes you build up your idea of what they're thinking. Yeah,

738
00:43:30,719 --> 00:43:36,800
Speaker 2: this person is sitting down and actually thinking, they're probably

739
00:43:36,880 --> 00:43:38,239
Speaker 2: not even thinking about you like that.

740
00:43:38,600 --> 00:43:43,680
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah, And especially with family, because I think

741
00:43:43,800 --> 00:43:47,000
Speaker 3: sometimes some people are very very capable, and I've learned

742
00:43:47,840 --> 00:43:51,480
Speaker 3: some people are very very capable of conflict and moving on. Yes,

743
00:43:51,760 --> 00:43:55,440
Speaker 3: like you're still stuck on that fight, but they're like

744
00:43:56,120 --> 00:43:59,839
Speaker 3: long forgotten about it. They come around, they come around

745
00:43:59,880 --> 00:44:02,160
Speaker 3: with joke with you. You're like, but I thought last

746
00:44:02,200 --> 00:44:05,719
Speaker 3: time we had an altercation, like what's this and whether?

747
00:44:05,960 --> 00:44:07,640
Speaker 3: And I don't think it's always as a way to

748
00:44:07,719 --> 00:44:10,520
Speaker 3: be apologetic. I think this just doesn't even occur to

749
00:44:10,600 --> 00:44:13,360
Speaker 3: them that that was. Like they're like, oh, yeah, we

750
00:44:13,480 --> 00:44:16,400
Speaker 3: talked about that, and then like you know, some people's

751
00:44:17,160 --> 00:44:22,680
Speaker 3: language is abrasive and angry and they can be fine

752
00:44:22,840 --> 00:44:25,440
Speaker 3: the next second, and for some of us it's like,

753
00:44:25,880 --> 00:44:27,520
Speaker 3: oh my god, it's still hurting me, why did you

754
00:44:27,560 --> 00:44:27,800
Speaker 3: say that?

755
00:44:28,239 --> 00:44:28,520
Speaker 2: You know?

756
00:44:28,719 --> 00:44:32,960
Speaker 3: So it's like learning that we're all different, we all

757
00:44:34,280 --> 00:44:39,840
Speaker 3: do things differently different, Yeah, we really do. Hey, Like

758
00:44:39,960 --> 00:44:42,040
Speaker 3: I mean sometimes when I'm annoyed with something, I want

759
00:44:42,080 --> 00:44:43,879
Speaker 3: to tell you right there. And then sometimes have people

760
00:44:43,880 --> 00:44:45,759
Speaker 3: who are like I had to model a vire to

761
00:44:46,160 --> 00:44:50,520
Speaker 3: like are wasting days? You know, But clearly we're different.

762
00:44:50,800 --> 00:44:56,880
Speaker 2: Right, So wow, I hope you know, for any anyone listening,

763
00:44:57,400 --> 00:44:59,319
Speaker 2: you got something in it, Like, as you can see,

764
00:44:59,600 --> 00:45:02,560
Speaker 2: it's we too are figuring it because it's ongoing, br

765
00:45:03,239 --> 00:45:09,000
Speaker 2: just existing in this world with other people. It's complicated,

766
00:45:09,480 --> 00:45:11,840
Speaker 2: you know that Facebook status of it's complicated. It's not

767
00:45:11,960 --> 00:45:17,080
Speaker 2: only romantic reationship. It'd be like that's what it is, complicated,

768
00:45:18,719 --> 00:45:22,279
Speaker 2: So I hope you have gotten it something and I

769
00:45:22,280 --> 00:45:25,560
Speaker 2: would love to truly, honestly hear your thoughts about dealing

770
00:45:25,600 --> 00:45:28,360
Speaker 2: with some of these situations because they would love to

771
00:45:28,400 --> 00:45:30,960
Speaker 2: get some input in advice. So for real, for real,

772
00:45:32,280 --> 00:45:35,960
Speaker 2: hit us up. But before we give you all our

773
00:45:36,040 --> 00:45:38,680
Speaker 2: details of hitting us up, we have a zim shout

774
00:45:38,719 --> 00:45:45,480
Speaker 2: out today and it goes to runarao okay, and I'll

775
00:45:45,520 --> 00:45:48,360
Speaker 2: let Amanda break down a shout out for today.

776
00:45:49,440 --> 00:45:52,160
Speaker 3: Well, we love film and TV, which we've done an

777
00:45:52,239 --> 00:45:55,959
Speaker 3: episode on already, one of the shows we do while

778
00:45:56,040 --> 00:46:00,399
Speaker 3: I watched deffinitely very religiously sex Education, and like there's

779
00:46:00,520 --> 00:46:04,920
Speaker 3: nothing like seeing our names like written or directed by

780
00:46:05,000 --> 00:46:08,040
Speaker 3: then you see like Asna name and you're like my person,

781
00:46:08,239 --> 00:46:11,000
Speaker 3: Like yeah, this is what happened. Is how I came

782
00:46:11,080 --> 00:46:14,040
Speaker 3: across this lovely lady. And she's directed quite a lot

783
00:46:14,080 --> 00:46:17,480
Speaker 3: of the latest episodes on the Latest on the later season,

784
00:46:17,520 --> 00:46:21,120
Speaker 3: a lot of episodes on there. She's obviously a budding

785
00:46:21,360 --> 00:46:25,960
Speaker 3: film and director, producer, just doing a lot of work

786
00:46:26,040 --> 00:46:29,920
Speaker 3: in England, coming out of London. So just yeah, I

787
00:46:30,000 --> 00:46:32,120
Speaker 3: think it's just nice to see people doing their things

788
00:46:32,200 --> 00:46:34,680
Speaker 3: in their lanes. Rumby and I always talk about how

789
00:46:34,719 --> 00:46:36,400
Speaker 3: it would be nice to have a community where we

790
00:46:36,480 --> 00:46:39,040
Speaker 3: could just like someone like Facebook, whatever, we just kind

791
00:46:39,080 --> 00:46:40,960
Speaker 3: of like put what you watch, you're up to, you know,

792
00:46:41,120 --> 00:46:43,960
Speaker 3: so we all but I mean, I guess down the track,

793
00:46:44,080 --> 00:46:46,919
Speaker 3: that can be a thing. But right now, it's nice

794
00:46:46,960 --> 00:46:50,920
Speaker 3: to see us arise and zimbarbweans and find spaces in

795
00:46:51,040 --> 00:46:55,080
Speaker 3: new places. Yes, yeah, the episodes are quite epic. There's

796
00:46:55,160 --> 00:46:58,160
Speaker 3: one when without spoiling, where they pretend well they go

797
00:46:58,239 --> 00:47:00,880
Speaker 3: to Nigeria within the episode and then to find out

798
00:47:00,960 --> 00:47:03,279
Speaker 3: that she was behind. It's obviously like it gave her

799
00:47:03,360 --> 00:47:06,719
Speaker 3: that African flair that it had. But yeah, if you

800
00:47:06,760 --> 00:47:10,160
Speaker 3: watch Sex Education, definitely check out the latest season and

801
00:47:10,200 --> 00:47:12,719
Speaker 3: the episodes she did. If you don't check her out

802
00:47:12,760 --> 00:47:15,279
Speaker 3: anyway on Instagram when you're out m there's a lot

803
00:47:15,320 --> 00:47:18,440
Speaker 3: of new projects she'd be doing. She's always also shouting

804
00:47:18,520 --> 00:47:23,440
Speaker 3: out on Twitter if there's especially in the UK, opportunities

805
00:47:23,800 --> 00:47:27,640
Speaker 3: to like if you're like a hairdresser or makeup artist,

806
00:47:28,080 --> 00:47:30,880
Speaker 3: just to be behind the scenes in the film industry,

807
00:47:31,360 --> 00:47:33,759
Speaker 3: and sometimes you don't know where to go to and

808
00:47:33,840 --> 00:47:36,920
Speaker 3: where to find these opportunities and she's always sharing and

809
00:47:38,000 --> 00:47:41,080
Speaker 3: it's good to have that sense of community as well.

810
00:47:41,440 --> 00:47:45,160
Speaker 2: Wonderful well shout out to you, Thank you am for

811
00:47:46,120 --> 00:47:48,560
Speaker 2: the shout out of the of the week or.

812
00:47:48,560 --> 00:47:53,360
Speaker 3: The week like week, I know, shout out of the episode.

813
00:47:55,080 --> 00:47:59,000
Speaker 2: And as always, truly we love hearing from you, like

814
00:48:00,200 --> 00:48:01,799
Speaker 2: you know, I know people say it like, oh, we'd

815
00:48:01,800 --> 00:48:03,680
Speaker 2: love to hear from you, please let us like no,

816
00:48:03,960 --> 00:48:07,759
Speaker 2: we actually really do enjoy hearing your thoughts and perspectives

817
00:48:07,880 --> 00:48:10,960
Speaker 2: and you sharing your stories, because this isn't just for

818
00:48:11,120 --> 00:48:15,000
Speaker 2: us to just you know, word vomit and share only

819
00:48:15,160 --> 00:48:17,959
Speaker 2: what we go through, but it's it's you know, we'd

820
00:48:18,040 --> 00:48:20,600
Speaker 2: love to hear from you too, So hit us up

821
00:48:21,520 --> 00:48:26,680
Speaker 2: on Instagram, it's layered on Twitter, it's layered pod our email,

822
00:48:26,840 --> 00:48:30,480
Speaker 2: it's Laird pod at gmail dot com, show us love.

823
00:48:30,920 --> 00:48:33,800
Speaker 2: We really are just even thrilled to be getting to

824
00:48:33,920 --> 00:48:39,600
Speaker 2: season three and people listening wild So thank you so

825
00:48:39,840 --> 00:48:43,759
Speaker 2: much and thank you am as always for being a

826
00:48:43,960 --> 00:48:49,840
Speaker 2: great host tests with the most deats. Okay, yeah, and

827
00:48:49,960 --> 00:48:54,200
Speaker 2: we'll see you in our next episode. Everybody, take care, guys,

828
00:48:54,640 --> 00:49:01,439
Speaker 2: bye bye, y well, use your eye