1 00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:07,080 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the 2 00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:10,440 Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers Now. 3 00:00:10,640 --> 00:00:13,280 Speaker 2: It was very daunting for me to be a part 4 00:00:13,360 --> 00:00:17,200 Speaker 2: of that process because I had never really tested the 5 00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:21,599 Speaker 2: waters of having a voice and been willing to stand 6 00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:23,480 Speaker 2: by my own convictions. 7 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:27,000 Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum 8 00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:27,480 Speaker 1: and dad. 9 00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:30,280 Speaker 3: So I have a question for you, Kylie, missus Happy Families. 10 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:33,600 Speaker 3: Did you ever say no to your parents? I mean, 11 00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:35,600 Speaker 3: I have a feeling. I know how you're going to 12 00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:39,440 Speaker 3: answer this, but were you Were you an insubordinate child? 13 00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:40,400 Speaker 4: Were you a rebel? 14 00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:42,599 Speaker 2: No, my Honnie, I was not. 15 00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:47,480 Speaker 3: You were the compliant kind, weren't you most of the time? 16 00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:47,880 Speaker 2: Yes? 17 00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:50,000 Speaker 3: Hello, this is doctor Justin Colslan here with my wife 18 00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:51,880 Speaker 3: Cylie under our six kids on the founder of Happy 19 00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:54,440 Speaker 3: Families dot com. Dot you today are really important conversation 20 00:00:54,520 --> 00:00:55,880 Speaker 3: that I think is going to make a difference in 21 00:00:55,920 --> 00:00:58,840 Speaker 3: every family. And boy are boys at provocative and challenging 22 00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:02,480 Speaker 3: to deal with. Why kids who talk back grow up 23 00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:05,640 Speaker 3: to be better adults. Why we want our kids to 24 00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:09,280 Speaker 3: say no more. This is from an article at your 25 00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:10,960 Speaker 3: Tango dot com. Will link to the article in the 26 00:01:10,959 --> 00:01:13,080 Speaker 3: show notes, but it really struck a chord for me. 27 00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:15,960 Speaker 3: And I was thinking about you, Kylie, and your personality, 28 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:17,520 Speaker 3: the way you've been raised, and I was thinking about me. 29 00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:20,080 Speaker 3: Do you think that I was the kind of kid 30 00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:21,959 Speaker 3: who said no to my parents very often? 31 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:27,760 Speaker 2: I'm sure you have a bajillion stories sometimes that you 32 00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:28,360 Speaker 2: said no? 33 00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:31,560 Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, so much. 34 00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:33,240 Speaker 3: We had a lot of conflict in our home though, 35 00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:36,200 Speaker 3: because my parents didn't respond well to my nose. But 36 00:01:36,319 --> 00:01:38,680 Speaker 3: I'm the kind of guy who really prizes his autonomy 37 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:40,920 Speaker 3: and wants things to be done my way. Why is 38 00:01:40,959 --> 00:01:43,160 Speaker 3: it do you think, Kylie, that you didn't say no 39 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:46,479 Speaker 3: very often? Why were you not the kid that talked back, 40 00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:49,720 Speaker 3: that was willing to push against the boundaries? 41 00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:51,080 Speaker 4: Why are we willing to be compliant? 42 00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:56,280 Speaker 2: I learned at a very early age to please people. Yeah, 43 00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:59,200 Speaker 2: I was seen and heard and valued as long as 44 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:01,200 Speaker 2: I was making others happy. 45 00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:03,560 Speaker 3: And what happened if you did say though, Like, what 46 00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:05,760 Speaker 3: was the level of discomfort in the home? If you 47 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:09,640 Speaker 3: turned around to your parents and showed a sense that 48 00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:12,480 Speaker 3: you did not feel good about what they were asking 49 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:14,560 Speaker 3: you to do or what the circumstances were. 50 00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:18,120 Speaker 2: I would have been grounded if I had a particularly 51 00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:22,919 Speaker 2: strong viewpoint. I might have been smacked right right privileges 52 00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:24,560 Speaker 2: wherewith hell yep yep. 53 00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:27,200 Speaker 3: In other words, if you want to say no to us, 54 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:28,880 Speaker 3: we're going to exert our power over you, and we're 55 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:30,639 Speaker 3: going to make you compliant because we know what's best 56 00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:31,880 Speaker 3: for you, and you just sit there and do as 57 00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:32,280 Speaker 3: you're told. 58 00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:35,360 Speaker 4: That was the kind of approach. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 59 00:02:35,639 --> 00:02:38,120 Speaker 3: And so in my home, we did not have what 60 00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:42,520 Speaker 3: I would call healthy conflict styles in our home. But 61 00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:45,720 Speaker 3: my mum in particular and my dad somewhat, they both 62 00:02:45,720 --> 00:02:48,440 Speaker 3: had this attitude that, well, you've got to figure it out, 63 00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:50,560 Speaker 3: you've got to talk it through. You've got to express 64 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:52,600 Speaker 3: what's going on. If you don't want to do something, 65 00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:55,840 Speaker 3: express it, argue for it, make your case. Now, we 66 00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:57,760 Speaker 3: didn't do it in a healthy way, like I said, 67 00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:00,600 Speaker 3: in our home, you and I do it in I think, 68 00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:03,720 Speaker 3: usually a much more effective way. And those words are 69 00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:05,280 Speaker 3: sort of the things that I would say rather than 70 00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:07,560 Speaker 3: what my parents would say. But we'll say to their kids, 71 00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:09,679 Speaker 3: if you don't want to do it, this is a discussion, 72 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:13,120 Speaker 3: not a decision. Make your case, Prove to us that 73 00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:15,160 Speaker 3: we can trust you to do that thing or prove 74 00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:17,480 Speaker 3: to us that we're wrong here in a way that's 75 00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:18,680 Speaker 3: respectful and kind. 76 00:03:18,919 --> 00:03:21,480 Speaker 4: Tell us why you're saying no, so that it counts. 77 00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:23,239 Speaker 4: Is that reasonable? 78 00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:27,040 Speaker 2: Yeah. As I was reading the article, a quote stood 79 00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:30,160 Speaker 2: out to me by psychologist Kelly Flanagan. She said, the 80 00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:34,360 Speaker 2: inability to say no, the inability to set boundaries, is 81 00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:38,320 Speaker 2: one of the most common insidious causes of human suffering. 82 00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:41,280 Speaker 4: What a great quote, What a great quote. 83 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:43,880 Speaker 3: When we can't say no, when we don't set boundaries, 84 00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:47,920 Speaker 3: we actually potentially inflict suffering on ourselves or allow others 85 00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:49,040 Speaker 3: to inflict it on us. 86 00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:52,360 Speaker 2: Yeah. And as I've looked at of my own upbringing 87 00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:58,360 Speaker 2: and then coming into your family where everybody has an opinion. 88 00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:03,040 Speaker 4: Yes, which can be tea and tiresome. Let's be honest, it. 89 00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:06,320 Speaker 2: Was very daunting for me to be a part of 90 00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:10,600 Speaker 2: that process because I had never really tested the waters 91 00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:15,560 Speaker 2: of having a voice and been willing to stand by 92 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:17,280 Speaker 2: my own convictions. 93 00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:17,880 Speaker 4: Yeah. 94 00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:19,719 Speaker 3: In fact, it's hard to even know what your convictions 95 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:22,400 Speaker 3: are when you're not given the opportunity to explore them 96 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:25,800 Speaker 3: and express them. Another psychologist, Joseph Allen, says, we tell 97 00:04:25,839 --> 00:04:28,440 Speaker 3: parents to think of those arguments, not as a nuisance, 98 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:29,400 Speaker 3: but as. 99 00:04:29,279 --> 00:04:30,760 Speaker 4: A critical training ground. 100 00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:33,520 Speaker 3: And that's something that I really want to get across 101 00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:36,800 Speaker 3: in this conversation in this podcast episode today, is that 102 00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:40,320 Speaker 3: when your children say no to you, this is something 103 00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:45,039 Speaker 3: that we want to genuinely and I mean genuinely be 104 00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:49,400 Speaker 3: grateful for and be delighted about. But our job as 105 00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:53,280 Speaker 3: parents is to teach our children how to say no, 106 00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:58,360 Speaker 3: to teach them how to push back effectively so that 107 00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:00,279 Speaker 3: we can progress the conversation. 108 00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:02,320 Speaker 4: We're going to talk about how to do that right 109 00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:05,159 Speaker 4: after the break. It's the Happy Families podcast. 110 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:09,000 Speaker 5: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having 111 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:11,360 Speaker 5: to feel bad or in trouble. The dos and don'ts 112 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:14,000 Speaker 5: of disciplined as a webinar to help parents set limits 113 00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:17,679 Speaker 5: with love, compassion and humanity. Find it now at Happy 114 00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:20,320 Speaker 5: families dot com dot au slash shop. 115 00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:23,599 Speaker 2: It's the Happy Famili's podcast, the podcast for the time 116 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:26,719 Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now And I'm wondering 117 00:05:26,839 --> 00:05:30,120 Speaker 2: how do we navigate this space where our children have 118 00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:34,680 Speaker 2: a desire to voice their opinions and as parents we 119 00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:36,040 Speaker 2: often just want compliance. 120 00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:37,880 Speaker 3: Yeah, that's right, And I think the idea behind the 121 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:39,919 Speaker 3: idea here that is, we've got this idea that children 122 00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:42,159 Speaker 3: and children shouldn't be saying no to us, that they 123 00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:45,240 Speaker 3: should just do as they're told. That's the standard parenting line, right, 124 00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:46,840 Speaker 3: The kids have got to do as they're told because I'm. 125 00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:48,000 Speaker 4: The parent and I know better. 126 00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:52,080 Speaker 3: But what underlies that is a fundamental I think if 127 00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:55,000 Speaker 3: you look at the idea behind that idea, the idea 128 00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:57,479 Speaker 3: driving parents believing that they've got to control their kids, 129 00:05:57,480 --> 00:05:59,560 Speaker 3: the kids I'm not allowed to say no, they're not 130 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:03,799 Speaker 3: allowed to well, is a fundamental mistrust in children's ability 131 00:06:03,839 --> 00:06:07,000 Speaker 3: to make safe, healthy, wise decisions for themselves. If we 132 00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:11,279 Speaker 3: believe that children are capable of finding answers, answers that 133 00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:13,120 Speaker 3: are healthy, answers. 134 00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:14,719 Speaker 4: That are genuinely good. 135 00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:18,040 Speaker 3: If we believe that they can find those answers, then 136 00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:23,599 Speaker 3: when they push back against our commandments, our rules, our directives, 137 00:06:23,760 --> 00:06:26,119 Speaker 3: our ultimatums from on high, when they push back against 138 00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:28,080 Speaker 3: that sort of stuff, we're going to do that thing 139 00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:28,880 Speaker 3: that I always talk about. 140 00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:32,680 Speaker 4: We're going to get curious, not furious. We're going to say, wow, 141 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:35,159 Speaker 4: you actually you don't like what I just had to say. 142 00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:35,800 Speaker 4: Why is that? 143 00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:40,799 Speaker 3: Let's talk this over. When we get curious. Something extraordinary 144 00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:44,680 Speaker 3: I think happens. We start to raise children who learn 145 00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:50,440 Speaker 3: how to articulate a particular position to defend their ideas 146 00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:54,279 Speaker 3: and actually become more effective as humans as a result, 147 00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:56,720 Speaker 3: and also less compliant to people who might push them 148 00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:57,440 Speaker 3: around otherwise. 149 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:01,120 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's interesting. I think as parents, we're all desperate 150 00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:03,680 Speaker 2: for the same thing. We want our kids to be 151 00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:06,760 Speaker 2: able to master skills that will allow them to stand 152 00:07:06,839 --> 00:07:12,720 Speaker 2: up for themselves and to stand against peer pressure or 153 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:15,920 Speaker 2: dangerous situations that they might find themselves in. But I 154 00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:19,720 Speaker 2: don't think we often recognize the importance we play in 155 00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:24,880 Speaker 2: that skill set. Helping them to learn that only comes 156 00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:28,760 Speaker 2: as they feel safe to actually have a voice and 157 00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:34,440 Speaker 2: to be able to practice voicing those opinions in an 158 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:36,080 Speaker 2: environment where they know they'll be heard. 159 00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:37,080 Speaker 4: Yeah. I love that. 160 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:39,760 Speaker 3: There's the meme that's been doing the rounds for like 161 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:41,440 Speaker 3: a decade or something. It says, I want my children 162 00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:44,120 Speaker 3: to be independent and head strong people, just not while 163 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:48,640 Speaker 3: I'm raising them. The reality is, if we don't teach 164 00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:54,280 Speaker 3: them now to have these conversations, they're not going to 165 00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:55,160 Speaker 3: be able to do it later on. 166 00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:57,200 Speaker 4: They've got to be able to do it safely with us. 167 00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:59,040 Speaker 4: What do you wish had. 168 00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:01,920 Speaker 3: Happened when you were raised by your parents that could 169 00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:04,320 Speaker 3: have helped you to work through this little bit of 170 00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:07,040 Speaker 3: a challenging situation where you just didn't feel like you 171 00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:07,600 Speaker 3: could rebel. 172 00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:12,200 Speaker 2: We've talked about this before on the podcast, and as 173 00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:15,080 Speaker 2: we've talked today, just I guess it's refreshed my memory 174 00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:18,920 Speaker 2: of those feelings of mistrust that I felt my parents 175 00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:20,920 Speaker 2: had for me. They promised me that that wasn't the 176 00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:22,800 Speaker 2: case at all, but that's how I was left feeling 177 00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:25,760 Speaker 2: that they didn't count my ability to make my own 178 00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:28,840 Speaker 2: choices and to make good choices for myself and for 179 00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:32,679 Speaker 2: those around me. And I know that, you know, as 180 00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:35,680 Speaker 2: our children have grown up, my parents in particular have 181 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:38,479 Speaker 2: really struggled because our children are a lot more outspoken 182 00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:43,360 Speaker 2: than I was ever raised to me, and yet because 183 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:46,360 Speaker 2: of the different I guess emotions and feelings I had 184 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:50,080 Speaker 2: growing up, and even some experiences that I found myself 185 00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:53,440 Speaker 2: in that you would hope your children would never find 186 00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:57,720 Speaker 2: themselves in. I just hope and pray that the conversations 187 00:08:57,720 --> 00:09:01,120 Speaker 2: we're having with our children allow them to feel comfortable 188 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:05,440 Speaker 2: enough to have, you know, to hold strong to those 189 00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:07,640 Speaker 2: convictions when push comes to shove. 190 00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:09,320 Speaker 3: Let's talk about a couple of things that we can 191 00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:11,800 Speaker 3: say to our children so that they can be insubordinate 192 00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:13,920 Speaker 3: in healthy, positive ways, Because the reality is, no one 193 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:17,320 Speaker 3: likes a smart, loudmouth child who's just rude and disrespectful 194 00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:19,160 Speaker 3: as they express their opinion. 195 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,160 Speaker 4: Contrary to the adults in the room. 196 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:23,520 Speaker 3: Next time you hear your child respond in a way 197 00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:28,760 Speaker 3: that's clumsy, awkward, and frankly disrespectful. Instead of saying, don't 198 00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:30,720 Speaker 3: you dare talk to me like that, which is what 199 00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:33,480 Speaker 3: many parents will respond with, I think that it's helpful 200 00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:35,439 Speaker 3: to say something like, do you have a different way 201 00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:36,040 Speaker 3: of saying that? 202 00:09:36,679 --> 00:09:38,600 Speaker 4: In fact, something that I've said to our kids many times. 203 00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:40,800 Speaker 3: You may have heard me say it, Kylie is I'm 204 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:43,960 Speaker 3: going to pretend that you didn't say what you just 205 00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:45,839 Speaker 3: said to me the way you said it and give 206 00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:48,480 Speaker 3: you another chance to let me know how you're feeling 207 00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:49,800 Speaker 3: in a more respectful way. 208 00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:50,520 Speaker 4: Now. 209 00:09:50,559 --> 00:09:52,120 Speaker 3: I know that sort of sounds a bit clunky, and 210 00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:53,640 Speaker 3: there's a whole lot to it, but you get the 211 00:09:53,679 --> 00:09:54,800 Speaker 3: idea you're saying to your kids. 212 00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:55,719 Speaker 4: I get it. 213 00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:58,240 Speaker 3: I know you're upset, but let's figure out a better 214 00:09:58,280 --> 00:10:02,280 Speaker 3: way to express our discontent end than the way that 215 00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:05,240 Speaker 3: you did it instead of because I said so. 216 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:08,280 Speaker 4: I think that's great to say, like if you say 217 00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:09,719 Speaker 4: to the kids, I want you to do this, why 218 00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:10,240 Speaker 4: do I have to do it? 219 00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:12,720 Speaker 3: Instead of because I said so, I think that it's 220 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:15,319 Speaker 3: really helpful to say you'd really rather not do it, 221 00:10:15,360 --> 00:10:17,920 Speaker 3: wouldn't you? Why do you think that I'm asking you 222 00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:19,559 Speaker 3: to do it? In fact, I just had this happen 223 00:10:19,559 --> 00:10:21,240 Speaker 3: the other day with one of our kids, Kylie, because 224 00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:22,600 Speaker 3: the house is for sale and we had an open 225 00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:25,000 Speaker 3: house coming up, and she was struggling to get the 226 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,760 Speaker 3: house clean, and she was complaining and winging and oh, 227 00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:28,320 Speaker 3: why do I have. 228 00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:29,040 Speaker 4: To It's not fair? 229 00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:31,440 Speaker 3: And I said to it, it sounds like you're really 230 00:10:31,520 --> 00:10:34,000 Speaker 3: upset that I'm asking you to tidy up your bedroom. 231 00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:36,000 Speaker 3: It sounds like it's a basic human right to have 232 00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:37,920 Speaker 3: a mess your bedroom the way the way you seem 233 00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:39,760 Speaker 3: to feel about it, And she. 234 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:41,679 Speaker 4: Said, I just you're always on my case about it. 235 00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:44,680 Speaker 3: I said, I wonder if there's a better way that 236 00:10:44,679 --> 00:10:47,319 Speaker 3: we can both work out how to figure this out 237 00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:49,719 Speaker 3: together then, And it's really about being open to the 238 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:52,440 Speaker 3: fact that they do have preferences, acknowledging that they would 239 00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:54,560 Speaker 3: rather things not be like that, and then saying, well, 240 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:57,040 Speaker 3: let's problem solve. This house still needs to be tidy. 241 00:10:57,280 --> 00:10:58,599 Speaker 3: How can we figure this out in a way that 242 00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:00,000 Speaker 3: we can both feel good about it? So I'm not 243 00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:02,360 Speaker 3: on your back and you're not fighting with me. And 244 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:06,160 Speaker 3: there's just something about that openness to them talking back 245 00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:11,120 Speaker 3: to you, letting them have a voice, something about that 246 00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:14,240 Speaker 3: that usually leads to them becoming more respectful if we 247 00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:16,880 Speaker 3: teach them how in of our thoughts. 248 00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:21,240 Speaker 2: Well, it's interesting yesterday we talked about toddler tantrums, which 249 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:25,839 Speaker 2: we acknowledge are not limited to toddlers, but we talked 250 00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:29,600 Speaker 2: about this key point of compassion, yes, and I think 251 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:32,520 Speaker 2: it ties in beautifully with today's conversation. Our kids have 252 00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:35,040 Speaker 2: their own thoughts, their own feelings, and their own ideas, 253 00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:38,920 Speaker 2: and they need to practice making decisions for themselves and 254 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:43,280 Speaker 2: negotiating for what they want, even if what they want 255 00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:47,320 Speaker 2: seems absurd or so unimportant to us. And if we 256 00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:51,520 Speaker 2: can come into the conversation with compassion and recognize that 257 00:11:51,559 --> 00:11:54,160 Speaker 2: it's actually not all about us. This is about us 258 00:11:54,559 --> 00:12:01,000 Speaker 2: helping grow these healthy, competent and capable children into adults 259 00:12:01,040 --> 00:12:06,080 Speaker 2: who will just do brilliant things with their lives. It's 260 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:09,240 Speaker 2: going to mean that every conversation we have with them, 261 00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:13,160 Speaker 2: regardless how cunky they are, will have a different tone 262 00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:15,960 Speaker 2: to it because we've come to the table with that compassion. 263 00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:16,680 Speaker 4: Kylie. 264 00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:20,520 Speaker 3: I think there's also a serious long term side to this, 265 00:12:20,679 --> 00:12:22,600 Speaker 3: and I'll just mention it briefly before we wrap up, 266 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:25,520 Speaker 3: and that is, if our children don't feel safe saying 267 00:12:25,559 --> 00:12:28,200 Speaker 3: no to us, who else are they going to have 268 00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:31,040 Speaker 3: a hard time saying no to the kid that wants 269 00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:33,760 Speaker 3: them to steal something from the shop down the road, 270 00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:35,679 Speaker 3: the person who's trying to apply them. 271 00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:37,880 Speaker 4: With alcohol or other drugs at the party. 272 00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:39,560 Speaker 3: Or who's trying to pressure them into some sort of 273 00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:44,240 Speaker 3: physical intimate act. They don't know how to say no. 274 00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:45,960 Speaker 3: They don't want to say no. They're afraid of saying no. 275 00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:47,760 Speaker 3: They feel like they have to please the people around them. 276 00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:50,320 Speaker 3: They don't have the confidence to say no. The ability 277 00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:52,760 Speaker 3: to say no is powerful. I want to go back 278 00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:55,480 Speaker 3: to that quote you read before from Kelly Flanagan, the 279 00:12:55,559 --> 00:12:58,960 Speaker 3: psychologist who said the inability to say no is one 280 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:02,920 Speaker 3: of the most common insidious causes of human suffering. What 281 00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:06,760 Speaker 3: an important quote, what a great idea, And hopefully as 282 00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:09,000 Speaker 3: a result of this podcast, we've got a whole lot 283 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,280 Speaker 3: of parents who are going to respond better to their 284 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:14,720 Speaker 3: kids next time the kids say no. The Happy Families 285 00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:17,520 Speaker 3: podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media, with 286 00:13:17,559 --> 00:13:20,679 Speaker 3: Craig Bruce as our executive producer. If you'd like morefo 287 00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:24,000 Speaker 3: about this article that we found from your Tango dot com, 288 00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:26,600 Speaker 3: you'll find it in the show notes. If you're enjoying 289 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:28,560 Speaker 3: the podcast, please leave us a five star rating and 290 00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,680 Speaker 3: reviews so that other people can have it pushed into 291 00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:34,480 Speaker 3: their suggested podcast lists. Maybe they can find out how 292 00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:36,880 Speaker 3: to make their family happier as well. All the details 293 00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:39,560 Speaker 3: for the resources and the ways that we can help 294 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:41,920 Speaker 3: make a difference in your family are at happy families 295 00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:42,760 Speaker 3: dot com dot au.