WEBVTT - Jess Jonassen - Ordineroli Speaking 0:00:04.960 --> 0:00:09.960 Ordinarily Speaking, I internalize my own personal identity struggles, but 0:00:10.080 --> 0:00:12.840 now I'm speaking out to try and help others to 0:00:12.920 --> 0:00:13.840 make sure they don't do. 0:00:13.840 --> 0:00:14.440 The same. 0:00:21.040 --> 0:00:21.840 Time. 0:00:27.520 --> 0:00:31.639 Hello and welcome to this episode of Ordinarily Speaking. Jess 0:00:31.720 --> 0:00:34.480 Jonason has been a part of the Australian cricket set 0:00:34.560 --> 0:00:37.600 up for a decade, playing in all forms of the game. 0:00:38.000 --> 0:00:41.160 Her success on the field is testament to her resilience 0:00:41.240 --> 0:00:45.440 off it. Battles with depression and self identity led Jess 0:00:45.479 --> 0:00:48.760 down a path where she's self harmed and abused alcohol. 0:00:49.040 --> 0:00:51.559 All the while, Jess was also coming to terms with 0:00:51.640 --> 0:00:55.760 her father's declining health. Jess shares her story publicly for 0:00:55.800 --> 0:00:58.800 the first time in the hope of helping others. She 0:00:58.840 --> 0:01:02.360 doesn't want anyone, especially kids, to feel as a lone 0:01:02.440 --> 0:01:06.080 as she sometimes has. As you listen to this incredibly 0:01:06.120 --> 0:01:09.959 honest chat, please remember there is help out there. Beyond 0:01:10.000 --> 0:01:14.119 Blue dot org, dot au and Lifeline one three Double 0:01:14.160 --> 0:01:16.920 one one four are just a couple of places you 0:01:17.000 --> 0:01:19.800 can go. We caught up just before Jess departed for 0:01:19.840 --> 0:01:22.759 the World Cup in New Zealand, which is happening as 0:01:22.840 --> 0:01:25.960 this podcast is released. If you tune in to support 0:01:25.959 --> 0:01:28.200 the girls and watch Jess play look. 0:01:28.000 --> 0:01:42.680 Out for the Ladybug Socks. I hope you enjoyed the chat. 0:01:50.200 --> 0:01:52.480 Well, I'm going to preface this chat by saying we're 0:01:52.480 --> 0:01:55.760 both wearing masks because you're getting ready for a World 0:01:55.800 --> 0:01:58.920 Cup and we're at the Junction Oval in Victoria, and 0:01:58.960 --> 0:02:02.120 there's a little bit of you know, preparations going on 0:02:02.280 --> 0:02:04.880 for the last of the Ashes, So there's a bit 0:02:04.920 --> 0:02:07.560 of noise happening at the moment, So bear with us 0:02:07.600 --> 0:02:13.040 if you hear the sounds of summer trucks, crickets, parrots, rollers, 0:02:13.120 --> 0:02:15.320 those sorts of things. But Jess, thanks so much for 0:02:15.360 --> 0:02:16.400 spending some time with us. 0:02:16.520 --> 0:02:17.320 Thanks for having me. 0:02:17.400 --> 0:02:20.920 Yeah, it's a bit of chaos here, hopefully organized chaos, 0:02:20.919 --> 0:02:22.799 though we. 0:02:22.720 --> 0:02:27.400 Like a bit of organized chaos. You want to share 0:02:27.440 --> 0:02:30.960 your story today, including some really personal things that you 0:02:31.040 --> 0:02:34.840 haven't shared publicly before. I want to start by asking 0:02:35.560 --> 0:02:37.080 why do you want to share your story? 0:02:38.400 --> 0:02:38.800 Yeah? 0:02:38.919 --> 0:02:43.800 I think for me it's always been about trying to 0:02:43.840 --> 0:02:47.080 help at least one person, because I know with some 0:02:47.120 --> 0:02:48.920 of the things that I've sort of gone through or 0:02:49.000 --> 0:02:54.480 experienced that it felt quite lonely at times that so, yeah, 0:02:54.560 --> 0:02:57.480 sometimes it's nice to know that like, even though we're 0:02:57.480 --> 0:02:59.960 an athlete or whatever, that was still human as well 0:03:00.080 --> 0:03:01.960 and still go through all the same sort of stuff. 0:03:04.440 --> 0:03:09.400 And he's off, Oh, he's going to star in this 0:03:09.440 --> 0:03:12.920 podcast episode. I have a feeling. So it is it 0:03:12.960 --> 0:03:15.720 about not feeling alone, I guess and the way that 0:03:15.800 --> 0:03:16.160 you did. 0:03:16.680 --> 0:03:19.400 Yeah, yeah, it is, and that there is help out there. 0:03:19.400 --> 0:03:22.040 There are other people out there that sort of experienced 0:03:22.040 --> 0:03:25.800 similar things. So yeah, to sort of never feel like 0:03:25.840 --> 0:03:27.280 you're the only one going through something. 0:03:27.600 --> 0:03:29.280 Going back to when you were a little girl, you 0:03:29.360 --> 0:03:31.800 had some inner struggles, tell me a little bit about that. 0:03:32.800 --> 0:03:36.600 Yeah, well, I guess being a girl growing up in 0:03:36.800 --> 0:03:40.400 country Queensland, up in Rockampton and with my sport in 0:03:40.480 --> 0:03:44.320 cricket that it's such a male dominant sort of arena 0:03:44.360 --> 0:03:47.240 as well. So being a young girl, yeah, sort of 0:03:47.280 --> 0:03:50.240 the access of playing cricket with or against girls was 0:03:50.320 --> 0:03:53.280 just non existent. Just to play cricket alone, my parents 0:03:53.320 --> 0:03:56.480 actually had to go and get I guess permission from 0:03:56.960 --> 0:04:00.480 Catholic Education Queensland because I was at a Catholic school. 0:04:00.520 --> 0:04:02.640 And yeah, the fact that we had to get permission 0:04:02.680 --> 0:04:05.080 from such a high up organization for me just to 0:04:05.120 --> 0:04:08.480 play a sport that I loved and I enjoyed because 0:04:08.480 --> 0:04:10.520 it wasn't for girls. Yeah, it wasn't for girls. And 0:04:10.720 --> 0:04:13.960 I vividly remember them telling me that, yes, you can play. 0:04:14.000 --> 0:04:15.880 We give you permission to play, but you have to 0:04:15.880 --> 0:04:17.479 wear the clothes that the boys wear. You have to 0:04:17.480 --> 0:04:19.520 wear the shorts. And I was like, well duh. Like 0:04:20.480 --> 0:04:21.800 I was like, I'm going to be out there and white. 0:04:21.839 --> 0:04:24.359 I'm not going to get skin taken off my legs. 0:04:24.360 --> 0:04:25.320 And I was like, I'm not gonna wear my. 0:04:25.320 --> 0:04:26.359 Skirt out there to play. 0:04:26.440 --> 0:04:29.560 So yeah, it was just looking back now, it's just 0:04:30.040 --> 0:04:32.560 little comments like that just make me shake my head. 0:04:33.000 --> 0:04:34.280 How did that make you feel at the time. 0:04:34.839 --> 0:04:37.280 At the time, because I was quite young, I just 0:04:37.440 --> 0:04:39.240 I was like, oh, great, they're gonna let me play. 0:04:39.839 --> 0:04:40.960 That's all I really cared about. 0:04:41.080 --> 0:04:43.080 I just wanted to participate, I guess, in a sport 0:04:43.120 --> 0:04:46.200 that I enjoyed and I loved and I happened to 0:04:46.200 --> 0:04:49.039 be good at. I didn't care whether I was the 0:04:49.120 --> 0:04:51.840 only one of my kind. I guess you could say 0:04:51.920 --> 0:04:53.960 I was lucky. I had some really good support around me, 0:04:54.080 --> 0:04:56.920 not only from my parents, from my family, but then 0:04:57.160 --> 0:04:59.520 I had a local club coach up there, Scott Deith 0:04:59.560 --> 0:05:02.640 who he was my only ever cricket coach up in 0:05:02.760 --> 0:05:05.960 Rocky and he still follows my career closely now. So 0:05:06.040 --> 0:05:09.200 he was a massive part of getting me and keeping 0:05:09.200 --> 0:05:09.760 me in the game. 0:05:09.960 --> 0:05:12.080 I feel like every episode I do of this, there's 0:05:12.080 --> 0:05:14.800 always somebody like that that had you back at the beginning. 0:05:15.279 --> 0:05:15.479 Yeah. 0:05:15.600 --> 0:05:19.440 I mean, he still to this day underestimates the importance 0:05:19.480 --> 0:05:22.320 that he's had on my career. But yeah, every time 0:05:22.360 --> 0:05:24.080 I would go back home, he's like, oh, you bring 0:05:24.080 --> 0:05:26.400 in your kit, do you want to throw, do you 0:05:26.440 --> 0:05:27.760 want to have a bad or whatever. 0:05:27.880 --> 0:05:29.760 So that's pretty cool even now. 0:05:30.360 --> 0:05:32.880 So the Catholic upbringing, how else did it impact you? 0:05:33.600 --> 0:05:34.720 Yeah? 0:05:34.800 --> 0:05:37.480 Obviously, Yeah, when I was sort of much older, around 0:05:37.600 --> 0:05:41.360 seventeen eighteen, so I had some elements of I guess 0:05:41.360 --> 0:05:45.480 self discovery and figuring out my sexuality as well. So 0:05:45.960 --> 0:05:48.160 that was a big one for me that he Obviously, 0:05:48.440 --> 0:05:52.440 growing up in the country, traditional values, Catholic school, the 0:05:52.520 --> 0:05:57.200 idea of homosexuality just wasn't really a thing. So yeah, 0:05:57.279 --> 0:06:00.320 that was one thing for me going through that phase 0:06:00.360 --> 0:06:03.560 of my life that Yeah, it was pretty confronting at 0:06:03.560 --> 0:06:05.960 the time, but I was once again fortunate that I 0:06:06.000 --> 0:06:08.880 had some really good support around me with my partner, 0:06:09.040 --> 0:06:11.839 who I met in twenty twelve. 0:06:11.920 --> 0:06:13.720 It was now, so that's a long time ago. 0:06:14.480 --> 0:06:18.240 So yeah, Sarah, she's her and her family were very 0:06:18.279 --> 0:06:20.680 good to me, particularly because when I as soon as 0:06:20.720 --> 0:06:24.080 I finished school in twenty ten, I moved down to Brisbane, 0:06:24.120 --> 0:06:26.440 so I was away from my entire family. 0:06:26.440 --> 0:06:26.960 It was just me. 0:06:27.600 --> 0:06:30.600 So yeah, meeting her a few years later really really 0:06:30.600 --> 0:06:31.680 almost saved me in a way. 0:06:32.560 --> 0:06:36.680 When you say self discovery and thinking about your own identity, 0:06:37.040 --> 0:06:39.320 what sort of thoughts were you having at the time 0:06:39.680 --> 0:06:41.880 as far as how you were feeling about yourself. 0:06:43.040 --> 0:06:45.200 I guess it was a bit of confusion in a 0:06:45.240 --> 0:06:48.560 way that I knew sort of that I liked women 0:06:48.800 --> 0:06:52.480 or how I felt there, but at the same time 0:06:52.520 --> 0:06:56.120 there was struggles sort of within my family around acceptance 0:06:56.200 --> 0:07:00.960 of it. So then I sort of felt, well, I guess, 0:07:01.040 --> 0:07:03.800 is this the wrong thing? Like am I doing the 0:07:03.800 --> 0:07:07.600 wrong thing by my family or whatever? But then at 0:07:07.600 --> 0:07:09.120 the same time I was like, well, I don't want 0:07:09.120 --> 0:07:13.760 to sacrifice my happiness just to make somebody else feel 0:07:13.760 --> 0:07:17.000 better about the situation. So yeah, there was a lot 0:07:17.000 --> 0:07:19.880 of sort of mental struggles in that sort of phase 0:07:19.920 --> 0:07:23.840 as well that I yeah, turned to things that weren't 0:07:23.880 --> 0:07:27.080 healthy for me, whether that be sort of drinking a 0:07:27.080 --> 0:07:30.480 bit or at different times some self harm because I 0:07:30.560 --> 0:07:34.400 just wanted to focus on something different or feel something different. 0:07:34.440 --> 0:07:37.760 And it was a very confronting time of my life. 0:07:37.800 --> 0:07:42.040 But yeah, very fortunate that I was with my partner 0:07:42.080 --> 0:07:44.680 at the time that I realized that, yeah, there were 0:07:45.120 --> 0:07:48.480 some pretty amazing things still happening in my life regardless 0:07:48.520 --> 0:07:51.200 of the conflict in a way that was sort of 0:07:51.560 --> 0:07:54.160 between some members of my family at the time. 0:07:54.720 --> 0:07:58.400 That must be incredibly tough because you're close with your family, yeah, 0:07:58.560 --> 0:08:02.080 love them, So how do you reconcile with that? 0:08:03.360 --> 0:08:07.320 Well, I was sort of just thinking, well, it's just time, 0:08:07.560 --> 0:08:10.520 like always being told time will heal most things. So, 0:08:11.000 --> 0:08:14.520 and I mean one of my sisters, Laura, I'm probably 0:08:14.520 --> 0:08:17.080 the closest with her out of my two sisters, and 0:08:17.360 --> 0:08:21.559 I sort of told her that I was like, I'm gay, 0:08:21.680 --> 0:08:27.120 and she was so supportive of me, and she's like, well, yeah, duh, 0:08:27.160 --> 0:08:29.560 Like it's almost like she just knew. And then that's 0:08:29.600 --> 0:08:32.439 the thing that like, I was such a tomboy growing up. 0:08:32.480 --> 0:08:34.840 I played cricket, I had short hair at different times, 0:08:34.880 --> 0:08:37.960 like I mean, stereotypically, but then it's like just other 0:08:38.040 --> 0:08:42.000 certain things that it was just like just precursors that 0:08:42.160 --> 0:08:45.959 almost just led her to believe that, well, yeah, this 0:08:46.000 --> 0:08:47.800 is who you are and I love you no matter what. 0:08:48.800 --> 0:08:52.080 So I think having her support and her voice sort 0:08:52.080 --> 0:08:55.160 of up at home with the rest of my family 0:08:55.160 --> 0:08:58.480 should have probably helped that process in a way. And 0:08:58.800 --> 0:09:02.800 I vividly remember that when the rest of my family 0:09:02.840 --> 0:09:06.040 sort of found out that it was a week or 0:09:06.120 --> 0:09:08.880 so before I was heading overseas for a cricket trip. 0:09:09.000 --> 0:09:11.559 So I just thought, well, you, beauty, this is great. 0:09:11.720 --> 0:09:13.520 Like I can sort of escape it in a way 0:09:13.559 --> 0:09:16.840 that I'm not big on conflict, so I just sort 0:09:16.840 --> 0:09:18.400 of just put it on the back burner and I 0:09:18.440 --> 0:09:20.520 was like, well, they can deal with it because I've 0:09:20.520 --> 0:09:22.120 come to terms with this is who I am and 0:09:22.120 --> 0:09:24.520 I'm happy. Yeah, it was sort of it just one 0:09:24.559 --> 0:09:25.400 of those things that. 0:09:25.679 --> 0:09:29.280 I was really firm in the belief as to who 0:09:29.320 --> 0:09:31.560 I was with that part of my life. 0:09:32.320 --> 0:09:34.120 Do you remember your parents' first reaction. 0:09:35.080 --> 0:09:35.320 Yeah. 0:09:35.840 --> 0:09:39.319 I remember having some long conversations on the phone with 0:09:39.440 --> 0:09:42.319 Mom at different times, like a few arguments I think 0:09:42.360 --> 0:09:45.000 there was one time that she was like, I love you, 0:09:45.080 --> 0:09:48.400 but so there was always that one and like it 0:09:48.440 --> 0:09:50.640 did hurt a little bit because I was sort of like, well, 0:09:50.679 --> 0:09:53.440 I don't want to lose my family over this, but 0:09:53.520 --> 0:09:55.600 at the same time, like they need to accept it. 0:09:56.160 --> 0:09:59.040 I mean they have now, Like it was sort of 0:09:59.120 --> 0:10:03.120 just in that moment that, yeah, they were making it 0:10:03.160 --> 0:10:06.880 sort of about them and thinking that they failed as parents, 0:10:07.240 --> 0:10:10.319 which I think that's just the traditional values that they 0:10:10.400 --> 0:10:13.040 were brought up on, and like I touched on before that, 0:10:13.160 --> 0:10:16.240 like being in a regional area in the country that 0:10:17.120 --> 0:10:21.120 it was just homosexuality just wasn't necessarily a thing, or 0:10:21.160 --> 0:10:24.120 it wasn't sort of out there in people's faces, or 0:10:25.320 --> 0:10:28.080 people weren't exposed as exposed to it. So yeah, I 0:10:28.120 --> 0:10:32.040 think initially they were sort of just a bit taken 0:10:32.080 --> 0:10:35.000 aback by it, and it was very hard at the 0:10:35.000 --> 0:10:37.480 time because I know that Mum was like, well, I 0:10:37.520 --> 0:10:41.000 love you, but obviously I want different things for you whatever. 0:10:41.080 --> 0:10:43.160 I was like, well, if you love me, how you're 0:10:43.160 --> 0:10:45.720 acting now is going the right way about pushing me away. 0:10:47.000 --> 0:10:50.720 If you love me, then this is like you love me. 0:10:51.720 --> 0:10:54.640 I think she was just worried that I'd be just 0:10:54.760 --> 0:10:57.400 labeled as Jess Jonason, the lesbian cricketer. 0:10:58.160 --> 0:11:00.480 But I remember telling her that some. 0:11:00.400 --> 0:11:05.360 Of the most successful female cricketers just happen to be gay, 0:11:05.600 --> 0:11:10.160 Like they're not known as this person like oh, Alex 0:11:10.160 --> 0:11:14.400 Blackwell the gay Captain of Australia or whatever, like, it's 0:11:14.520 --> 0:11:17.160 just that's just part of who they are. 0:11:17.960 --> 0:11:21.120 Yeah, and feeling safe in that environment is a great thing. 0:11:21.480 --> 0:11:24.240 Yeah, exactly, And that's probably one of the biggest things 0:11:24.240 --> 0:11:28.959 that it's like the obviously there's the stereotype that female 0:11:29.160 --> 0:11:32.760 so many female athletes are gay or lesbian or biosexual 0:11:32.840 --> 0:11:37.720 or whatever, but it's probably just comes across that way 0:11:37.760 --> 0:11:42.600 because it's an environment where people feel safe to fully 0:11:42.640 --> 0:11:48.120 express themselves and be genuine and be exactly who they are. 0:11:48.800 --> 0:11:57.680 Are there any moments he's off again, caep it down, mate, 0:11:57.720 --> 0:12:03.480 Come on, Are there any moments that stand out to 0:12:03.520 --> 0:12:06.000 you that you really felt like you had to hide? 0:12:07.000 --> 0:12:11.920 Like I'm generally a relatively private person anyway, so I 0:12:12.040 --> 0:12:14.360 never really sort of felt like I had to hide 0:12:14.400 --> 0:12:17.240 in a way. There was probably just parts of my 0:12:17.280 --> 0:12:19.680 life that I just chose not to share with people. 0:12:20.320 --> 0:12:23.840 From that, I probably then started to believe that I 0:12:23.880 --> 0:12:26.040 was only a certain type of person in the sense 0:12:26.080 --> 0:12:29.600 that well, when I was just a cricketer and that's 0:12:29.760 --> 0:12:31.480 all the conversations with people. 0:12:31.320 --> 0:12:32.640 Around me revolved around. 0:12:32.800 --> 0:12:34.679 Yeah, sort of in the outside world, it was sort 0:12:34.679 --> 0:12:37.800 of it wasn't really something that I guess for a 0:12:37.840 --> 0:12:41.040 long time was deemed marketable in a way, so I 0:12:41.120 --> 0:12:42.160 just kept it to myself. 0:12:43.280 --> 0:12:46.679 God, that's a tough thing to say, isn't it. 0:12:47.000 --> 0:12:49.800 Yeah, Like, and I mean like I get it to 0:12:49.840 --> 0:12:52.079 an extent, but at the same time, it's sort of, well, 0:12:53.240 --> 0:12:56.160 there's so many different types of people in the world 0:12:56.240 --> 0:12:58.120 that why you sort of only wanting to try and 0:12:58.160 --> 0:13:00.840 appeal to a certain type or certain audience. 0:13:01.640 --> 0:13:02.400 Yeah, it's sort of. 0:13:02.520 --> 0:13:05.160 That was quite challenging at a time that I was like, well, 0:13:06.120 --> 0:13:09.480 who I am isn't Sometimes it feels like who I 0:13:09.520 --> 0:13:15.960 am isn't good enough, or isn't something that or someone 0:13:16.040 --> 0:13:18.320 that you can put out there to be like, Hey, 0:13:18.440 --> 0:13:21.920 we're proud of who this person is, Like, if you 0:13:21.920 --> 0:13:26.120 want to be like them, we support that you. And 0:13:26.160 --> 0:13:27.960 the thing that I keep coming back to is you 0:13:28.000 --> 0:13:30.199 as the little girl, and if you as the little 0:13:30.240 --> 0:13:34.920 girl had someone like you with your experience and in 0:13:34.960 --> 0:13:38.439 the Australian cricket it's you know, you're basically part of 0:13:38.480 --> 0:13:39.520 the furniture. 0:13:39.120 --> 0:13:43.560 Now Australian cricket. Speaking as honestly as this, when you're 0:13:43.600 --> 0:13:46.280 a little girl, I would imagine that would have meant 0:13:46.280 --> 0:13:49.360 a lot to you. When you think about the little 0:13:49.360 --> 0:13:51.000 girl that you were, what do you wish you could 0:13:51.040 --> 0:13:51.559 say to her? 0:13:52.440 --> 0:13:55.120 Yeah, well, it's funny you say that, because I did 0:13:55.320 --> 0:13:58.600 sort of have somebody like that who I've never actually 0:13:58.600 --> 0:14:00.800 told her that she had this impact on me, to 0:14:00.840 --> 0:14:03.840 be fair, but it was Alex Blackwell. I remember being 0:14:03.880 --> 0:14:05.760 on a tour and it was back in the time 0:14:05.760 --> 0:14:09.200 when we had roommates and stuff, and she was somebody 0:14:09.200 --> 0:14:12.840 that you could just have an open, honest and genuine 0:14:12.880 --> 0:14:17.400 conversation with about anything and she listened. And obviously for 0:14:17.520 --> 0:14:20.120 me when I was in the Australian stuff for the 0:14:20.120 --> 0:14:23.960 first time, I was this young sort of nineteen year 0:14:23.960 --> 0:14:27.480 old and she'd had a wealth of experience, she'd been 0:14:27.520 --> 0:14:30.800 there many years before, and just having conversations with her 0:14:30.840 --> 0:14:34.920 about just being authentic and being who you are and 0:14:34.960 --> 0:14:38.160 being proud of that. That that was always the way 0:14:38.200 --> 0:14:41.080 that I felt when I was talking or I was 0:14:41.120 --> 0:14:46.320 around her, and she actually said to me after one 0:14:46.360 --> 0:14:49.520 of our domestic games against New South Wales actually that 0:14:50.520 --> 0:14:53.480 she was like, oh, she noticed a change in me 0:14:53.800 --> 0:14:58.800 that I'd gone from being quite reserved and my cricket 0:14:58.840 --> 0:15:02.240 was sort of just like plateauing, just going along. And 0:15:02.280 --> 0:15:05.160 then after a little while when I started sort of 0:15:05.880 --> 0:15:08.400 giving a little bit more of myself and about I 0:15:08.400 --> 0:15:10.440 guess that side of myself that I was in a 0:15:10.480 --> 0:15:14.080 same sexual relationship and all of this, that she was like, Yeah, 0:15:14.120 --> 0:15:17.960 you just seem so much more. You just seem happy, 0:15:18.240 --> 0:15:24.000 like you just seem more you, and that in itself, 0:15:24.080 --> 0:15:25.920 I was sort of a bit of a light bulb 0:15:25.960 --> 0:15:29.560 moment that I was like, well, hey, people like this 0:15:29.680 --> 0:15:34.200 actually notice this change in me, that this is actually 0:15:34.200 --> 0:15:38.120 something that's like positive and something that's for the better. 0:15:38.200 --> 0:15:41.360 That I need to do more of it. So I 0:15:41.400 --> 0:15:42.080 guess for me. 0:15:42.200 --> 0:15:45.920 That if I had something like that even a few 0:15:45.960 --> 0:15:49.920 years earlier, that I would have felt so much more 0:15:50.000 --> 0:15:56.720 comfortable with sharing myself with everyone, like around like with 0:15:56.800 --> 0:15:58.360 the world that I was like, well, no, this is 0:15:58.360 --> 0:16:00.200 who I am. I'm proud of who I am. And 0:16:00.440 --> 0:16:02.240 I guess that's the point where I'm at now that 0:16:02.840 --> 0:16:04.320 I was never ashamed of it. 0:16:04.560 --> 0:16:07.080 I was never I never felt like. 0:16:07.080 --> 0:16:11.160 I was not being true, but it was sort of just, Yeah, 0:16:11.400 --> 0:16:15.680 when you have people in I guess the organization you're 0:16:15.680 --> 0:16:21.480 a part of that make you feel never intended to, 0:16:21.600 --> 0:16:25.280 but make you feel like you're not as worthy as 0:16:25.320 --> 0:16:29.840 somebody who in a I guess a heterosexual relationship, it's 0:16:29.920 --> 0:16:33.000 like you just keep trying to put it down, put 0:16:33.040 --> 0:16:36.240 it down, push it down further. So yeah, to have 0:16:36.280 --> 0:16:39.640 someone like Alex who was so open and vocal about 0:16:39.720 --> 0:16:43.320 who she was and proud of that, then yeah, it 0:16:43.400 --> 0:16:46.120 had a massive impact on me and making me want 0:16:46.160 --> 0:16:49.040 to be that open and proud and sort of feel 0:16:49.120 --> 0:16:54.800 like it's my responsibility in a way to help any 0:16:54.840 --> 0:16:57.840 other young Like it doesn't have to be a young female. 0:16:57.880 --> 0:17:00.640 It could be a young male or somebody who is 0:17:00.720 --> 0:17:05.520 questioning their sexual identity or gender or anything that it's like, well, 0:17:06.400 --> 0:17:08.720 who you are is okay, who you are is enough. 0:17:10.400 --> 0:17:13.600 What a powerful gift that Alex gave you and that 0:17:13.640 --> 0:17:15.520 you're going to give to other people, There's no doubt 0:17:15.520 --> 0:17:20.280 about it. You spoke earlier about the self harm aspect. 0:17:20.960 --> 0:17:22.560 How did that come about for you? 0:17:23.520 --> 0:17:28.160 Yeah, well that for me was probably it was more so. 0:17:29.800 --> 0:17:33.280 To try and feel something different than what I was 0:17:33.720 --> 0:17:36.560 sometimes just actually to feel something at all. That I 0:17:36.640 --> 0:17:41.240 went through a few phases of some depression, But then 0:17:41.280 --> 0:17:43.800 that aspect of it was something that I never really 0:17:44.240 --> 0:17:47.840 even shared with some psychologists at the time, so that 0:17:48.000 --> 0:17:50.560 was still something I was trying to battle with internally. 0:17:50.720 --> 0:17:54.440 That because obviously the perception of it. 0:17:54.359 --> 0:17:57.560 Being bad or that you're self harmed to try and 0:17:58.160 --> 0:18:01.359 suicide sort of thing, but it wasn't at that point, 0:18:01.400 --> 0:18:04.720 and it wasn't for those reasons. And also the thing 0:18:04.760 --> 0:18:09.360 that it's like, well, being a teenager, have some typical 0:18:09.440 --> 0:18:12.920 teenage I guess phrases or things that people throw around 0:18:12.960 --> 0:18:16.040 is that you're just doing it for attention, which. 0:18:15.840 --> 0:18:16.720 Was never the case. 0:18:16.800 --> 0:18:19.879 I'm never somebody I never want to be a center 0:18:19.920 --> 0:18:21.120 of attention for anything. 0:18:21.800 --> 0:18:23.119 So I was like, well, why would I do it 0:18:23.160 --> 0:18:23.760 for that reason? 0:18:23.800 --> 0:18:26.600 And I guess for me, I knew that's not why 0:18:26.600 --> 0:18:29.000 I was doing it that yeah, and it was sort 0:18:29.000 --> 0:18:32.640 of it was never major things, but it was. 0:18:32.560 --> 0:18:34.320 Like maybe sometimes I'd have. 0:18:36.160 --> 0:18:39.600 Like a little knife from the kitchen or whatever, if 0:18:39.640 --> 0:18:42.840 I was on tour on my own in a spot 0:18:42.840 --> 0:18:45.159 that only I'm going to see it when I'm in 0:18:45.160 --> 0:18:48.760 the shower sort of thing, and always doing it in 0:18:48.800 --> 0:18:52.160 places that I know are always covered up other than 0:18:52.359 --> 0:18:55.800 like if my partner was there or would see or whatever. 0:18:55.840 --> 0:18:59.439 Then like I remember making up stories that I was like, oh, 0:18:59.440 --> 0:19:03.840 I dived the cricket field and something scratched me or whatever, 0:19:03.960 --> 0:19:07.600 and like that in itself didn't feel right lying to 0:19:07.720 --> 0:19:10.159 her early on, but that side of it, I was 0:19:10.680 --> 0:19:13.239 a bit embarrassed in a way that I got to 0:19:13.280 --> 0:19:16.240 that point, but at the same time in the moment 0:19:16.359 --> 0:19:18.679 that it's the only way I felt like I could cope. 0:19:19.760 --> 0:19:21.199 So was it a pressure release? 0:19:21.400 --> 0:19:21.640 Is that? 0:19:22.320 --> 0:19:23.520 Yeah? Probably in a way. 0:19:24.000 --> 0:19:26.560 Stuff was like built up in me and I was like, well, 0:19:27.000 --> 0:19:29.800 I needed to do something. And if it wasn't that, 0:19:29.920 --> 0:19:34.520 then I was craving a drink every day and I'm 0:19:34.600 --> 0:19:37.159 not a big drinker, but I'd wake up in the 0:19:37.160 --> 0:19:39.520 morning I was like, I just want to have a drink, 0:19:39.800 --> 0:19:41.840 And I mean there was something when I wouldn't because 0:19:41.880 --> 0:19:44.240 I knew I couldn't. So then that was the next 0:19:44.240 --> 0:19:47.080 best option that I saw at the time, And like 0:19:47.160 --> 0:19:48.840 I'd never it would never get to the point where 0:19:48.840 --> 0:19:52.760 it's like I'd drink and get drunk. It was just 0:19:52.840 --> 0:19:56.440 I needed something to just level me out a bit. 0:19:56.680 --> 0:19:58.359 But then yeah, it got to the point where I 0:19:58.400 --> 0:20:01.480 was like, well, I was doing that day on day 0:20:02.000 --> 0:20:04.160 on day that it's like I just needed a drink. 0:20:03.960 --> 0:20:07.680 To cope numb of the pain. 0:20:08.040 --> 0:20:08.320 Yeah. 0:20:08.760 --> 0:20:12.679 Yeah, Like it's crazy to be like thinking about it 0:20:12.720 --> 0:20:16.960 again now that it's like I was in that that 0:20:17.119 --> 0:20:20.040 period of my life where I just that's literally all 0:20:20.080 --> 0:20:23.720 I could think of and it's the only way I 0:20:23.760 --> 0:20:25.320 thought I could cope. 0:20:25.960 --> 0:20:28.959 How is it talking about it and thinking, like really 0:20:29.000 --> 0:20:32.520 thinking about it. It's very confronting, and it makes me 0:20:32.560 --> 0:20:36.600 realize how much I actually do keep to myself that 0:20:37.720 --> 0:20:39.960 it's HiT's something that my partner and I have spoken 0:20:40.000 --> 0:20:43.440 about a bit in the sense that I've asked her 0:20:43.480 --> 0:20:46.560 to open up to me a bit more. And then 0:20:47.560 --> 0:20:50.440 on the same foot, I'm not actually doing that myself, 0:20:50.760 --> 0:20:51.440 or as much as. 0:20:51.440 --> 0:20:53.000 I thought I was. 0:20:53.400 --> 0:20:55.880 Yeah, the fact, like very early on, like I said 0:20:55.880 --> 0:20:58.560 that I kept things like that from her, but I 0:20:58.920 --> 0:21:01.520 ended up telling her like a number of years ago. 0:21:02.160 --> 0:21:04.480 Timing is not my strong point. 0:21:04.640 --> 0:21:07.920 Because I'd had a few drinks and it was Christmas day, 0:21:08.040 --> 0:21:12.520 and I've thought it was the right time to tell her, Hey, 0:21:12.680 --> 0:21:15.879 this is what I've done, and yeah, like it wasn't 0:21:15.920 --> 0:21:18.200 great for her, like she felt like she had failed 0:21:18.200 --> 0:21:21.520 me in a way that I didn't feel comfortable enough 0:21:21.560 --> 0:21:24.720 to tell her before I got to that point that 0:21:25.280 --> 0:21:28.560 try and get let her help me. And I never 0:21:28.560 --> 0:21:31.439 wanted to burden anybody. That was my thing, and that 0:21:31.560 --> 0:21:34.639 was something that my dad was always strong on that 0:21:34.680 --> 0:21:38.119 he just never wanted to put anybody out. So I 0:21:38.160 --> 0:21:39.879 think I guess I sort of got that trade off 0:21:39.960 --> 0:21:42.000 him a little bit that I was like, no, it's my. 0:21:42.040 --> 0:21:44.960 Battles, I'll deal with it myself, which. 0:21:45.000 --> 0:21:49.159 In hindsight and now is that I've learned is not 0:21:49.480 --> 0:21:52.720 the way to go about it. That there's people around 0:21:52.720 --> 0:21:54.959 you that love you and want to support you that 0:21:55.680 --> 0:21:58.600 sometimes you don't know how they can help or how 0:21:58.640 --> 0:22:00.520 you can help yourself, which is off and the hardest 0:22:00.560 --> 0:22:02.920 part that it's like, well, what do you. 0:22:02.960 --> 0:22:03.520 Need from me? 0:22:03.600 --> 0:22:07.040 And my response quite often was I don't know, and 0:22:07.080 --> 0:22:10.200 it's okay to not know, but it's just sometimes knowing 0:22:10.240 --> 0:22:12.760 that that person is there is enough. 0:22:15.040 --> 0:22:17.720 I guess it wasn't necessarily like a pride. 0:22:17.480 --> 0:22:19.840 Thing that I didn't want to tell people that this 0:22:19.960 --> 0:22:22.639 is what was going on. Like I was always self aware, 0:22:22.720 --> 0:22:25.560 but a lot of the time, yeah, I just never 0:22:25.680 --> 0:22:30.359 actually knew the right way to deal with it or 0:22:30.520 --> 0:22:31.840 cope with it. 0:22:31.840 --> 0:22:32.840 It's a confronting thing. 0:22:32.960 --> 0:22:34.159 Say, it's very confronting. 0:22:34.840 --> 0:22:36.800 When was it at its worst for you. 0:22:39.240 --> 0:22:43.919 In terms of this self harm stuff in itself was 0:22:43.960 --> 0:22:49.399 probably a number of years ago now, which I'm proud 0:22:49.440 --> 0:22:52.280 of that I've sort of overcome that part of it. 0:22:52.400 --> 0:22:59.280 But then, yeah, probably as recently as twenty eighteen was 0:22:59.280 --> 0:23:02.919 a very tough year for me as well, in the 0:23:03.000 --> 0:23:06.040 sense that in and around sort of cricket related stuff 0:23:06.080 --> 0:23:08.960 that well, I'd had a really solid preseason. 0:23:09.080 --> 0:23:11.520 I'd worked exceptionally hard, and I was. 0:23:11.480 --> 0:23:15.600 In the form and the physical peak of my career, 0:23:15.840 --> 0:23:18.280 and I was feeling really good, and we were preparing 0:23:18.280 --> 0:23:20.520 for a T twenty World Cup in the West Indies. 0:23:20.600 --> 0:23:24.639 And then a couple of weeks or just under a 0:23:24.680 --> 0:23:27.320 month before we went away, we had a training camp 0:23:27.359 --> 0:23:30.840 and just chasing after a ball as I normally would, 0:23:30.920 --> 0:23:34.280 and felt something going my knee and I couldn't put 0:23:34.320 --> 0:23:36.479 any weight on it at all. And with me, I 0:23:36.600 --> 0:23:40.720 have a pretty sketchy history of knee issues. 0:23:40.840 --> 0:23:42.800 So yeah, I ended up getting a scan. 0:23:42.920 --> 0:23:45.879 And how many of you done, I've had four, so 0:23:45.920 --> 0:23:47.840 I've had two on each leg now, so. 0:23:47.960 --> 0:23:48.680 You're fair share. 0:23:48.920 --> 0:23:49.560 Yeah. 0:23:49.640 --> 0:23:51.680 Yeah that was hard in itself, like I've had my 0:23:51.840 --> 0:23:54.679 history of injuries throughout and but yeah, for this, the 0:23:54.680 --> 0:23:56.639 fact that I'd worked so hard I was in the 0:23:56.680 --> 0:23:59.320 position that I was, and then I broke down just 0:23:59.320 --> 0:24:02.320 before a major tournament, and I mean I managed to 0:24:02.359 --> 0:24:05.000 work hard to get on the plane to go to 0:24:05.080 --> 0:24:08.760 that series and didn't end up playing a single game, 0:24:09.119 --> 0:24:13.399 and ultimately the girls won the World Cup. And I 0:24:13.440 --> 0:24:16.680 remember being over there that I just felt really hollow, 0:24:16.960 --> 0:24:22.400 really empty, and I felt bad for that because I'm 0:24:22.440 --> 0:24:25.600 a real team person, Like I loved that the girls won. 0:24:25.720 --> 0:24:27.640 I knew all the work that they'd put in, but 0:24:27.760 --> 0:24:31.960 then I was like, well, I contributed nothing Like That's 0:24:32.000 --> 0:24:33.680 how I felt like. I felt like I was just 0:24:33.760 --> 0:24:38.280 a spare part over there, that what I had done 0:24:38.320 --> 0:24:41.960 to get there didn't matter. And that was a hard 0:24:42.000 --> 0:24:45.080 thing to have the battle through when I was so 0:24:45.240 --> 0:24:47.000 far away. I was on the complete other side of 0:24:47.040 --> 0:24:50.600 the world. I was so far away from everybody who 0:24:50.920 --> 0:24:54.320 cared about me, loved me, my support network. The time 0:24:54.359 --> 0:24:57.960 difference was awful, So I'd talked to my loved ones 0:24:58.040 --> 0:25:02.000 like maybe twenty minutes a day, sometimes not even at 0:25:02.040 --> 0:25:06.440 all for a few days. So yeah, that was probably 0:25:07.920 --> 0:25:10.920 probably one of my lowest, if not the lowest points 0:25:11.200 --> 0:25:13.440 that I felt when I was away on that tour. 0:25:14.480 --> 0:25:16.879 And so how did it manifest itself on that tour? 0:25:17.840 --> 0:25:18.359 Yeah, well, it. 0:25:18.400 --> 0:25:21.159 Got to the point where there's actually another player and 0:25:21.200 --> 0:25:24.760 I we both didn't play a single game and we 0:25:24.840 --> 0:25:28.280 ended up probably surviving that tour on rum and dry 0:25:29.320 --> 0:25:33.000 hum or, drinking pina coladas on the beach. That there 0:25:33.040 --> 0:25:34.760 was often that I'd say, oh, yeah, it's a virgin 0:25:34.840 --> 0:25:38.280 pina colada, but knowing full well it wasn't. Yeah, it 0:25:38.320 --> 0:25:41.800 was like, oh, well, like we're just here pretty much 0:25:42.359 --> 0:25:43.800 to make up the numbers. 0:25:43.840 --> 0:25:45.320 Like that's sort of just how it felt. 0:25:45.680 --> 0:25:47.960 I sort of lost my identity in a way, I 0:25:47.960 --> 0:25:50.880 guess you could say that so often I was known 0:25:50.920 --> 0:25:53.760 as Jess Johnason, the cricketer, and when I wasn't out 0:25:53.800 --> 0:25:57.160 in the field, I wasn't performing, I didn't have anything 0:25:57.200 --> 0:26:00.879 really to talk to people about in terms of performances 0:26:01.000 --> 0:26:02.679 or whatever, because I was like, well, I didn't have 0:26:02.720 --> 0:26:06.800 any part to play, So if I'm not playing cricket, 0:26:06.840 --> 0:26:09.720 then who the hell am I? Particularly when you're in 0:26:09.720 --> 0:26:13.200 a bubble right or you're on or to, everything just amplifies. 0:26:13.720 --> 0:26:17.120 I just felt so trapped. I just wanted Every day 0:26:17.160 --> 0:26:20.240 I woke up and I cried because I just wanted 0:26:20.280 --> 0:26:24.439 to go home. I've never been at that point before that. 0:26:25.560 --> 0:26:30.159 I've loved playing cricket. I've loved representing my country like 0:26:30.280 --> 0:26:36.040 my family, and yeah, to not want to be there 0:26:37.320 --> 0:26:38.240 it was really hard. 0:26:40.200 --> 0:26:43.120 Was part of it that if you're not the cricketer, 0:26:44.000 --> 0:26:46.160 then who am I? And then I have to deal 0:26:46.240 --> 0:26:49.080 with the real stuff as well, the stuff that you 0:26:49.119 --> 0:26:50.640 sort of had spoken about earlier. 0:26:51.000 --> 0:26:55.080 Yeah, it's just well there was so much extra space 0:26:55.800 --> 0:27:01.199 to think or overthink or yeah, like you said, like 0:27:01.320 --> 0:27:05.240 have to deal with or have to confront that. Cricket 0:27:05.320 --> 0:27:09.040 was almost the distraction away from all of that stuff. 0:27:09.800 --> 0:27:12.520 Even if I was performing badly or whatnot. It's just 0:27:12.600 --> 0:27:14.840 I still loved being out on the field. 0:27:15.840 --> 0:27:17.040 And there was something to focus on it. 0:27:17.240 --> 0:27:21.439 Yeah, there was something to actually put my energy or 0:27:21.480 --> 0:27:25.159 my attention into. But when I didn't have that, I 0:27:25.200 --> 0:27:29.400 was like well, I didn't want to do anything. There 0:27:29.440 --> 0:27:31.720 was a lot of tears, there was a lot of 0:27:31.760 --> 0:27:36.040 sort of disengaging. Yeah, I just didn't feel comfortable sort 0:27:36.040 --> 0:27:39.560 of around the group because like I was feeling so 0:27:39.800 --> 0:27:44.560 low and so negative. But then at the same time, 0:27:44.600 --> 0:27:49.000 I had thirteen fourteen other girls that were actually preparing 0:27:49.280 --> 0:27:53.600 for a world tournament, that they had their attention and 0:27:53.600 --> 0:27:55.240 their focus on something positive. 0:27:55.480 --> 0:27:57.160 But then I was feeling like that that. 0:27:57.200 --> 0:28:00.080 I was just I just thought the best option was 0:28:00.119 --> 0:28:02.800 to just stay in my room and not really come out, 0:28:03.280 --> 0:28:06.280 because at times when I did, I felt like I 0:28:06.280 --> 0:28:09.960 had to put on a front, and that in itself, 0:28:10.040 --> 0:28:13.320 when I was feeling so low and not much energy, 0:28:14.080 --> 0:28:18.040 I didn't have much else to give. So I'd get 0:28:18.040 --> 0:28:20.440 back to my room and I'd just be completely exhausted. 0:28:21.119 --> 0:28:22.760 In hindsight, do you think you would depressed? 0:28:23.160 --> 0:28:24.320 Yeah, without a doubt. 0:28:24.920 --> 0:28:29.159 Yeah, And I guess for me, like, I was just 0:28:29.480 --> 0:28:32.840 so fortunate that we had our team psych that traveled 0:28:32.840 --> 0:28:36.200 away with us that he almost forced me to have 0:28:36.240 --> 0:28:40.239 conversations with him early on because he could see it. 0:28:40.600 --> 0:28:41.360 He'd seen me. 0:28:42.600 --> 0:28:46.240 I'd been speaking with him probably a year or two 0:28:46.280 --> 0:28:50.040 prior to that, and he noticed the change in me, 0:28:50.120 --> 0:28:53.400 He noticed the difference. Yeah, the fact that he forced 0:28:53.440 --> 0:28:55.720 me a few times to do it was probably something 0:28:55.720 --> 0:28:58.680 that yeah, I thank him for now. 0:29:00.080 --> 0:29:03.760 Saved Yeah, definitely saved me because I would have been, like, 0:29:04.280 --> 0:29:05.160 there's a time where. 0:29:04.960 --> 0:29:06.640 I was I was looking up flights out of try 0:29:06.640 --> 0:29:07.720 and get myself out of there. 0:29:08.040 --> 0:29:11.400 Do the girls know now what you went through then? 0:29:12.040 --> 0:29:12.920 Not to that extent? 0:29:13.080 --> 0:29:15.120 No, how do you think they're going to feel when 0:29:15.120 --> 0:29:16.080 they listen to this? 0:29:17.240 --> 0:29:23.480 Probably wish that I spoke up to some extent, Like 0:29:23.600 --> 0:29:26.360 I don't know, it's always a hard one. Like our 0:29:26.400 --> 0:29:31.480 group is so supportive, which is why me not sort 0:29:31.520 --> 0:29:34.040 of sharing much of this at the time. 0:29:36.120 --> 0:29:36.600 Yeah, I don't know. 0:29:36.600 --> 0:29:39.040 It seems a little bit hypocritical in a way that 0:29:39.160 --> 0:29:42.280 it's cycle. We say, yeah, if you're struggling, like speak 0:29:42.360 --> 0:29:45.680 up and whatnot, but it's like the physical act of 0:29:45.760 --> 0:29:48.320 doing that is actually really challenging. And I think for 0:29:48.400 --> 0:29:50.520 me it was never like, oh, I don't want to 0:29:50.560 --> 0:29:53.760 speak up because I'm afraid that I might not get 0:29:53.800 --> 0:29:56.959 selected because they see me as mentally fragile or whatever 0:29:57.040 --> 0:30:00.600 that I'm not mentally tough. But yeah, it's sort of 0:30:00.600 --> 0:30:04.200 it just goes to show that, like, people only see 0:30:04.480 --> 0:30:08.440 the version of you that you wish them to see. Yeah, 0:30:08.440 --> 0:30:10.800 I know the girls would have wished that I'd spoken 0:30:10.920 --> 0:30:12.840 up a little bit more about it so that they 0:30:12.840 --> 0:30:15.400 could feel like they helped that I felt less lonely, 0:30:15.480 --> 0:30:18.760 but I didn't want to detract from what their job 0:30:19.200 --> 0:30:20.080 was to win. 0:30:20.920 --> 0:30:22.320 How did you get through it? 0:30:22.840 --> 0:30:25.719 Well, it was a lot of thanks to Pete Peter Clark, 0:30:26.000 --> 0:30:28.880 our team's site. I probably caught up with him every 0:30:28.920 --> 0:30:32.000 few days at one point on that trip, and we 0:30:32.040 --> 0:30:34.040 actually did a few workshops when I got to the 0:30:34.080 --> 0:30:37.360 point where I could actually speak when I was with 0:30:37.440 --> 0:30:40.040 him that there were times at the start where I 0:30:40.080 --> 0:30:42.840 caught up with him and he asked me how I 0:30:42.880 --> 0:30:43.160 was going. 0:30:43.240 --> 0:30:44.120 I literally just cried. 0:30:44.160 --> 0:30:48.120 I couldn't I couldn't actually put a sentence together because 0:30:48.120 --> 0:30:52.120 there was just all this built up emotion because I'd 0:30:52.160 --> 0:30:55.600 just been on my own in my room. I'd shut 0:30:55.680 --> 0:31:00.400 myself off. So with him actually asking me how I was, 0:31:00.520 --> 0:31:04.800 it's just just all came out at once. And Yeah, 0:31:04.880 --> 0:31:07.000 we eventually got to the point where we could do 0:31:07.120 --> 0:31:12.400 some workshop sort of stuff in the sense that figuring out, well, okay, 0:31:12.760 --> 0:31:15.600 who is Jess Jonason away from the cricket field, and 0:31:15.840 --> 0:31:19.160 he made me realize all the great things that I 0:31:19.320 --> 0:31:23.480 do that don't actually involve cricket, all the great relationships 0:31:23.480 --> 0:31:26.640 I have that aren't with cricket people. That in itself 0:31:26.840 --> 0:31:31.160 was so powerful for me. It was so easy to 0:31:31.240 --> 0:31:35.800 stay wrapped up in cricket because that was my environment 0:31:35.800 --> 0:31:38.840 at the time, and I lost sight of everything else 0:31:38.880 --> 0:31:42.000 that was outside of that, that actually is more a 0:31:42.040 --> 0:31:43.479 part of me than what cricket is. 0:31:43.840 --> 0:31:44.480 So who are you? 0:31:45.920 --> 0:31:49.160 Well, I'm a daughter, I'm a sister, I'm a partner, 0:31:49.520 --> 0:31:53.160 I've completed a law degree, I've completed multiple sort of 0:31:53.760 --> 0:31:58.560 uni degrees and grad certificates, like I'm a dog. 0:31:58.400 --> 0:32:01.120 Mum as well. 0:32:01.320 --> 0:32:07.320 Like so, yeah, there's so many, so many different aspects 0:32:07.360 --> 0:32:10.960 to me that, yeah, more than just cricket. 0:32:11.240 --> 0:32:14.280 How are you doing now? Is your mental health something 0:32:14.360 --> 0:32:17.680 that you need to check in on daily or how 0:32:17.720 --> 0:32:19.400 in your words are you doing now? 0:32:20.080 --> 0:32:20.320 Yeah? 0:32:20.320 --> 0:32:24.719 Well, it's something that is an ongoing I wouldn't say battle, 0:32:24.800 --> 0:32:27.840 but it's an ongoing thing that I need to continuously 0:32:28.000 --> 0:32:28.480 check in on. 0:32:28.800 --> 0:32:30.520 I journal a little bit. 0:32:31.120 --> 0:32:33.720 I used to do it quite regularly when I was 0:32:33.760 --> 0:32:36.520 sort of at my worst, and then there was times 0:32:36.560 --> 0:32:39.520 when I just I completely stopped because I felt like 0:32:39.560 --> 0:32:43.719 I was fine and I was tracking really well. But 0:32:43.760 --> 0:32:46.680 then yeah, it's sort of it's something that I know 0:32:47.240 --> 0:32:49.480 helps me, so I try and keep on top of. 0:32:49.560 --> 0:32:53.520 Whenever I've got long tours, particularly when I'm away from home, 0:32:53.640 --> 0:32:54.400 is probably when. 0:32:54.240 --> 0:32:55.680 It's some of its hardest. 0:32:56.080 --> 0:32:59.239 Particularly in the current climate with COVID that we're in. 0:33:00.440 --> 0:33:03.840 We have heavy protocols that we're not allowed out too much. 0:33:04.840 --> 0:33:09.280 We have to sit in standard masks on apart going through. 0:33:10.280 --> 0:33:12.600 Yeah, so it's like there's so many extra things that 0:33:12.680 --> 0:33:16.760 sort of make you have to be I guess internal 0:33:16.960 --> 0:33:19.920 with a lot of things. So it's so, yeah, journaling 0:33:19.960 --> 0:33:22.280 for me is something that's actually really helped me, and 0:33:22.320 --> 0:33:26.160 then actually just making the conscious effort there when somebody 0:33:26.440 --> 0:33:30.040 asked me how I am, particularly somebody that's important to me, 0:33:30.160 --> 0:33:33.080 that I tell them the honest answer, and quite often 0:33:33.960 --> 0:33:36.040 some ways that I phrase it is sort of if 0:33:36.040 --> 0:33:38.000 somebody asked me I was like, I'm not, like, are 0:33:38.000 --> 0:33:38.360 you okay? 0:33:38.400 --> 0:33:39.800 I was like, not really, but I will be. 0:33:40.800 --> 0:33:43.560 Then if they want to sort of know more help 0:33:43.600 --> 0:33:46.520 more than I was like, then I say it. But 0:33:46.600 --> 0:33:48.760 something my partner actually says to me, She's like, I'm 0:33:48.800 --> 0:33:53.200 sick of having to wait to prompt you. But for me, 0:33:53.280 --> 0:33:56.840 it's like that's just how I've always coped that. It's 0:33:56.880 --> 0:34:00.600 like I've always been internal and trying to deal with 0:34:00.640 --> 0:34:02.360 things on my own. That it's like, well, I'll tell 0:34:02.400 --> 0:34:06.040 you what it is you want to know, whereas now 0:34:06.080 --> 0:34:10.200 it's like I'm trying to do that slightly differently that 0:34:10.280 --> 0:34:12.319 it's like, well, be a bit more open about it. 0:34:12.840 --> 0:34:15.920 When you speak of the journaling when it was at 0:34:15.960 --> 0:34:17.600 its worst, what was some of the things that you 0:34:17.640 --> 0:34:18.600 were saying to yourself. 0:34:19.000 --> 0:34:21.560 There was times when I said I was worthless or 0:34:21.600 --> 0:34:25.040 that I felt worthless anyway, that is cricket for me, 0:34:25.520 --> 0:34:28.080 Are you doing the right thing? I really don't want 0:34:28.080 --> 0:34:31.000 to be here, And by here, it wasn't I don't 0:34:31.000 --> 0:34:34.040 want to be here on the earth, it was I 0:34:34.040 --> 0:34:37.640 don't want to be here in this situation. Like when 0:34:37.680 --> 0:34:40.680 I was going through knee issues as well, it was like, well, 0:34:42.280 --> 0:34:45.360 you're not fit enough. Yeah, there was so much negative 0:34:45.400 --> 0:34:50.560 talk that was going on, and whenever I was told that, oh, 0:34:50.600 --> 0:34:52.759 you're valuable to us, I never believed it. 0:34:54.000 --> 0:34:57.560 I was like, well, prove it so many things. 0:34:57.640 --> 0:35:00.240 Yeah, are you better now with that sort of sof 0:35:00.280 --> 0:35:02.280 talk or do you still have your moments as well? 0:35:02.520 --> 0:35:05.200 Oh? I think like most humans, you still have your moments. 0:35:05.239 --> 0:35:08.240 But I think I'm much better at catching myself now 0:35:08.520 --> 0:35:11.520 and redirecting thoughts, because that was another big thing for 0:35:11.560 --> 0:35:14.520 me that it was why I was feeling like I 0:35:14.560 --> 0:35:17.920 had no energy for so long, was because I was 0:35:17.960 --> 0:35:22.759 constantly fighting certain thoughts or emotions as opposed to just 0:35:22.840 --> 0:35:26.560 accepting that they were there and trying to redirect to 0:35:26.600 --> 0:35:29.600 something more positive. It's sort of just because I felt 0:35:29.640 --> 0:35:31.400 a certain way didn't mean I had to act a 0:35:31.400 --> 0:35:34.080 certain way, And that was a big thing for me. 0:35:34.160 --> 0:35:38.640 That was sort of, well, Okay, I feel angry or whatever, 0:35:38.680 --> 0:35:41.400 but I'm not going to punch a wall. I feel angry, 0:35:41.400 --> 0:35:44.240 but it's like I can channel that into writing words 0:35:44.280 --> 0:35:46.040 on paper, and then I've processed it. 0:35:46.080 --> 0:35:46.799 I've got it out. 0:35:47.480 --> 0:35:50.160 Whether I believed what I was writing or not was 0:35:50.200 --> 0:35:53.600 irrelevant at different points. It's just that was the outlet 0:35:53.640 --> 0:35:55.360 that was the positive outlet. 0:35:56.280 --> 0:35:58.560 That makes a lot of sense. Tell me about the 0:35:58.560 --> 0:36:00.720 photos that you take on to her now. 0:36:01.440 --> 0:36:05.560 Yes, I've printed some photos of both ones. Of like 0:36:05.640 --> 0:36:09.680 my family, my dog ALFI ones with my partner and 0:36:10.400 --> 0:36:12.600 I put them on the wall in whatever hotel room 0:36:12.640 --> 0:36:15.640 I'm in. There's probably only a handful of maybe eight 0:36:15.760 --> 0:36:19.000 or so, but they're a constant reminder for me of 0:36:19.640 --> 0:36:22.799 things that I have outside of cricket, or things that 0:36:22.880 --> 0:36:25.520 I have that are at home that aren't physically with. 0:36:25.600 --> 0:36:26.440 Me in that moment. 0:36:26.480 --> 0:36:31.919 And I only have one specific sort of cricket related one, 0:36:31.960 --> 0:36:35.200 which isn't really cricket related, but it was after we 0:36:35.239 --> 0:36:38.400 won the T twenty final in Melbourne when we were 0:36:38.440 --> 0:36:39.399 all dancing on. 0:36:39.360 --> 0:36:40.520 Stage with Katie Perry. 0:36:41.120 --> 0:36:43.799 So that's the only sort of cricket related one I 0:36:43.800 --> 0:36:46.960 guess I have, but it's still something that reminds me 0:36:47.040 --> 0:36:50.760 of all the amazing things that I've sort of experienced 0:36:50.880 --> 0:36:53.919 or doesn't matter what the lows I had, that this 0:36:53.960 --> 0:36:55.440 is how I came through the other side. 0:36:55.880 --> 0:36:56.960 That was a pretty cool moment. 0:36:57.480 --> 0:36:58.560 It was amazing. 0:36:58.800 --> 0:37:03.560 I did remember actually saying to my partner because she 0:37:03.760 --> 0:37:06.200 was down there with my family as well, and I 0:37:06.239 --> 0:37:08.239 said to her when we came into the change rooms after, 0:37:08.360 --> 0:37:11.200 I was like, I'm sorry, babe, but I don't think 0:37:11.239 --> 0:37:14.359 our wedding day is going to top this, and I mean, 0:37:14.400 --> 0:37:18.120 I think I jinxed it because we've postponed twice now 0:37:18.200 --> 0:37:19.720 that we're still waiting. 0:37:20.120 --> 0:37:22.520 Waiting for Katy Perry to come see exactly. 0:37:22.600 --> 0:37:26.640 She's not sing at the wedding now. She laughed and 0:37:26.680 --> 0:37:28.319 she's like, yeah, that's fair. 0:37:30.280 --> 0:37:33.320 I videoed you girls on stage that night and so 0:37:33.600 --> 0:37:36.120 doing the worm and things like that, and I think 0:37:36.120 --> 0:37:38.399 that video has got more views than anything I've ever 0:37:38.440 --> 0:37:39.440 done as a journalist. 0:37:39.520 --> 0:37:41.240 We were like little school girls. 0:37:41.400 --> 0:37:41.719 It was. 0:37:42.440 --> 0:37:46.319 It was so bizarre that you had all these mid 0:37:46.400 --> 0:37:49.719 twenties year old girls and we just behave like we 0:37:49.719 --> 0:37:54.040 were five year olds again. It was so good and yeah, 0:37:54.200 --> 0:37:55.840 it's a memory that will live with me forever. 0:38:01.960 --> 0:38:07.200 You're listening to ordinarily speaking with Jess Jonathon In. Amongst 0:38:07.800 --> 0:38:11.280 everything that you've already spoken about before, that West Indies 0:38:11.320 --> 0:38:13.080 tour was also the time that you were coming to 0:38:13.160 --> 0:38:17.640 grips with your dad's diagnosis. Tell me a little bit 0:38:17.640 --> 0:38:19.799 about that and how you found out about that. 0:38:20.480 --> 0:38:22.560 Yeah, a number of years ago Dad was diagnosed with 0:38:22.640 --> 0:38:26.880 lung cancer and we were all very shocked by it 0:38:27.239 --> 0:38:30.600 because sort of he was a non smoker. He was 0:38:30.680 --> 0:38:36.080 a fit, healthy guy. There was no sort of precursor 0:38:36.080 --> 0:38:39.359 as to why he should have got that diagnosis, and 0:38:40.000 --> 0:38:42.840 he'd actually had this prior to him going and getting 0:38:42.920 --> 0:38:46.440 checked out. He'd had this sort of persistent little cough 0:38:46.560 --> 0:38:49.840 for like months and months. It was so annoying that 0:38:49.960 --> 0:38:53.719 we were like, seriously, go to the doctor and go 0:38:53.760 --> 0:38:56.520 and get checked out. But he was never, Like I said, 0:38:56.520 --> 0:39:00.279 he never wanted to put anyone out and he always 0:39:00.360 --> 0:39:02.839 question because he before he was a teacher, he worked 0:39:02.880 --> 0:39:05.560 in the health system, and he was like, nah, don't 0:39:05.719 --> 0:39:08.799 don't believe in it sort of thing, like they're wasting 0:39:08.880 --> 0:39:09.680 my money, and. 0:39:10.080 --> 0:39:16.399 Probably like a typical middle aged country mail that it's like, nah, 0:39:16.440 --> 0:39:17.040 she'll be right. 0:39:17.440 --> 0:39:19.160 We can both say that because we both come. 0:39:19.000 --> 0:39:24.279 From the countruly, so yeah, it's sort of It took 0:39:24.360 --> 0:39:27.399 him a long time before he got checked out, whether 0:39:27.440 --> 0:39:29.080 it was the matter that he was scared of what 0:39:29.120 --> 0:39:32.239 it might have been, or whether it was what he 0:39:32.320 --> 0:39:35.480 was telling us that nah, she'll be right sort of thing. 0:39:35.560 --> 0:39:39.000 I'll do all this other stuff to get it fixed, 0:39:39.040 --> 0:39:41.440 but none of it was working. So We're in the 0:39:41.440 --> 0:39:45.240 middle of one of our WBBL seasons and I remember 0:39:45.280 --> 0:39:49.160 getting a message from Mum being like oh, can we FaceTime? 0:39:49.239 --> 0:39:51.480 You make sure Sarah's their sort of thing as well. 0:39:51.520 --> 0:39:54.359 I was like okay, like, oh, I wonder what this is. 0:39:55.120 --> 0:39:58.080 And I got on FaceTime and the rest of my 0:39:58.120 --> 0:40:01.560 family were there, and I was like, what's happening here? 0:40:01.640 --> 0:40:07.200 And Dad then went to tell us what the diagnosis was, 0:40:07.200 --> 0:40:09.640 that he had cancer, and he couldn't actually get it out. 0:40:09.760 --> 0:40:11.760 He just it was probably one of the first times 0:40:11.760 --> 0:40:16.920 I'd seen him cry, and my whole family was just 0:40:17.000 --> 0:40:20.880 in tears at the time. And I remember I didn't cry, 0:40:21.040 --> 0:40:25.959 like I didn't know what to believe and I didn't 0:40:26.000 --> 0:40:29.640 know what to feel that. I was just like, well, okay, 0:40:29.920 --> 0:40:33.520 what's what now, Like what's next sort of thing, thinking 0:40:33.560 --> 0:40:36.440 that it wasn't something that was Yeah, it was cancer, 0:40:36.520 --> 0:40:39.239 like nobody wants to hear that word. But I was like, 0:40:39.280 --> 0:40:42.280 it's my dad, Like he's strong, he'll he'll fight it, it'll 0:40:42.239 --> 0:40:46.880 be fine. But then they said the extent that it 0:40:46.960 --> 0:40:49.000 was at it was, I think they said it was 0:40:49.000 --> 0:40:52.480 either stage three or stage four by that point, and 0:40:52.520 --> 0:40:54.799 I was just like knowing that then that meant that 0:40:56.239 --> 0:41:00.200 stage three or four lung cancer, that was maligue, that 0:41:00.520 --> 0:41:07.400 means it's fatal. That was like, okay, but what's the 0:41:08.960 --> 0:41:12.759 like still, what's next? Like how can we prolong this? 0:41:13.040 --> 0:41:15.880 Like we want old age to kill him, not cancer 0:41:15.920 --> 0:41:18.600 to kill him sort of thing. That. Yeah, it was 0:41:18.640 --> 0:41:22.000 a very very hard thing to take, and I think 0:41:22.040 --> 0:41:24.440 I was in well, I know I was in denial 0:41:24.560 --> 0:41:29.080 for a large part of those last four last few 0:41:29.160 --> 0:41:33.200 years from from hearing that what did your dad mean? 0:41:33.280 --> 0:41:35.520 To what was he like as a bloke? 0:41:37.200 --> 0:41:39.600 He was He was a bit of a hard ass 0:41:41.080 --> 0:41:41.560 in a way. 0:41:42.000 --> 0:41:45.799 I think for him, like with his upbringing and how 0:41:45.880 --> 0:41:48.960 he was brought up, how he was made a lot 0:41:48.960 --> 0:41:51.600 of sense that he was made to work for every 0:41:51.640 --> 0:41:55.200 little thing that he got. He loved us, and we 0:41:55.239 --> 0:41:57.520 all knew that how much he loved us, But he 0:41:57.640 --> 0:42:02.000 was never the most affectionate per and I think at 0:42:02.040 --> 0:42:05.720 times like he sort of he sent messages or wrote 0:42:05.800 --> 0:42:09.840 letters sort of like closer to sort of when he 0:42:10.440 --> 0:42:13.840 passed it, it was almost like he regretted not giving 0:42:13.920 --> 0:42:17.200 us more hugs or telling us how much he loved us. 0:42:17.280 --> 0:42:20.040 And I just remember saying to him that it's like 0:42:20.520 --> 0:42:21.600 you didn't need to do all that. 0:42:21.680 --> 0:42:22.360 I just knew. 0:42:22.680 --> 0:42:25.279 So it's like he would constantly when I was first 0:42:25.320 --> 0:42:27.600 playing cricket. We would go down to the local nets 0:42:27.600 --> 0:42:32.880 for like on three hours. I would bat for probably 0:42:32.920 --> 0:42:35.040 an hour of that. At the start, he would bowl 0:42:35.360 --> 0:42:40.040 every type of delivery, and then he would bat so 0:42:40.080 --> 0:42:43.520 I could bowl, and then he'd bowl again. And not 0:42:43.600 --> 0:42:46.680 once did he complain about that. He loved it, probably 0:42:46.719 --> 0:42:49.920 more than I did at different times, and he would 0:42:50.040 --> 0:42:52.360 get up early and take me to the gym. He 0:42:52.400 --> 0:42:56.000 would take my sisters to swimming carnivals. He took some 0:42:56.160 --> 0:43:01.000 jobs overseas so he could earn some more money for us, 0:43:01.120 --> 0:43:04.440 for us to do sport, or us to live a 0:43:04.480 --> 0:43:08.719 good life. Like we weren't rich, but I see as 0:43:08.760 --> 0:43:12.600 as we were wealthy. We were wealthy with his love, 0:43:12.680 --> 0:43:18.040 with their support, and with experiences that I remember sort of. 0:43:18.080 --> 0:43:20.839 Not long after he passed, I just felt, or even 0:43:20.920 --> 0:43:23.840 a little bit before, I felt a bit robbed in 0:43:23.880 --> 0:43:26.680 a way of time with him, in the sense that 0:43:27.520 --> 0:43:29.120 I was the only one out of my family that 0:43:29.280 --> 0:43:32.120 wasn't still living up at home. I didn't get to 0:43:32.160 --> 0:43:34.560 spend that time with him in my teenage years or 0:43:34.800 --> 0:43:37.520 my early twenties that could go and do things with 0:43:37.600 --> 0:43:40.640 him or have the conversations with him that you meant 0:43:40.680 --> 0:43:42.959 to have with your dad. But at the same time, 0:43:43.040 --> 0:43:45.759 I was like, well, I got all that extra time 0:43:45.800 --> 0:43:49.320 when I was younger at the cricket nets or learning 0:43:49.360 --> 0:43:53.200 to drive. He'd specifically take coaching jobs in teams I 0:43:53.239 --> 0:43:56.160 was a part of so he could come away. So 0:43:56.400 --> 0:43:59.239 it's things like that that I was like, Oh, I 0:43:59.239 --> 0:44:03.520 actually did get to spend that time with him, but yeah, 0:44:03.520 --> 0:44:08.040 it's sort of yeah, I miss him every day. 0:44:09.600 --> 0:44:12.319 Was a biggest fan and critic as a. 0:44:12.880 --> 0:44:13.680 Without a doubt. 0:44:13.719 --> 0:44:19.440 I've actually I've described him as that exactly. 0:44:20.560 --> 0:44:21.160 That he was. 0:44:21.200 --> 0:44:27.319 Always, yeah, my biggest supporter, but my fiercest critic. Some 0:44:27.400 --> 0:44:30.840 of the messages I would get after games, it was 0:44:31.000 --> 0:44:33.640 so funny that, even to the point now my mum 0:44:33.680 --> 0:44:35.680 tries to send some that is like this is your 0:44:35.680 --> 0:44:39.040 father speaking ahh. But I think when he passed that 0:44:39.160 --> 0:44:43.040 was one thing I probably had missed the most, was 0:44:44.320 --> 0:44:48.880 the messages postgame analyzing either the game or my performance. 0:44:49.160 --> 0:44:51.839 It's those little things that, yeah, I miss all the time. 0:44:52.239 --> 0:44:52.920 Leaves a hole. 0:44:53.680 --> 0:44:56.839 It's a massive hole, like I always feel like they'll 0:44:56.880 --> 0:44:58.920 be there, will always be a part of me that 0:44:58.960 --> 0:45:02.080 will feel broken because he's not around. 0:45:03.640 --> 0:45:05.480 What do you do now to make sure that you 0:45:05.800 --> 0:45:06.880 remember him each game. 0:45:07.400 --> 0:45:10.840 Every time I step out on the cricket field, I 0:45:10.880 --> 0:45:14.800 wear a pair of ladybug socks because for some reason, 0:45:15.719 --> 0:45:20.000 he loved ladybugs and whenever he wrote messages, he would 0:45:20.040 --> 0:45:24.000 always put a mountain of emojis in there, and a 0:45:24.000 --> 0:45:26.920 lot of them never made any sense as to what 0:45:27.040 --> 0:45:27.840 he'd just said. 0:45:27.960 --> 0:45:30.280 He just he showed his emotions exactly. 0:45:30.360 --> 0:45:32.200 But it's like some of the stuff he put in 0:45:32.200 --> 0:45:34.520 there was so bizarre, but without fail, there was always 0:45:34.520 --> 0:45:37.520 a ladybug in there. So one of my sisters actually 0:45:37.600 --> 0:45:41.480 bought all of us a pair of ladybug socks. 0:45:41.440 --> 0:45:42.439 To remember him by. 0:45:43.000 --> 0:45:45.799 But yeah, she gave me her pair because she's like, 0:45:45.960 --> 0:45:49.000 I know that you wear these every time, so here's 0:45:49.040 --> 0:45:51.840 another pair so that you don't wear this one out. 0:45:51.920 --> 0:45:55.120 And it's a little nod to him when I'm out 0:45:55.120 --> 0:45:57.400 in the field that he's always out there with me. 0:45:57.960 --> 0:46:02.319 And whenever we play a night game as well. One 0:46:02.320 --> 0:46:05.040 thing we said to my young niece and nephew was 0:46:05.960 --> 0:46:08.720 that if you ever miss data, like he's the brightest 0:46:08.719 --> 0:46:10.759 star up in the sky, and whenever we play a 0:46:10.840 --> 0:46:13.520 night game, I always look up to try and find 0:46:13.560 --> 0:46:16.520 where that star is and city. If I take a 0:46:16.520 --> 0:46:19.080 wicked I always look up and give a little nod 0:46:19.120 --> 0:46:19.400 to it. 0:46:19.640 --> 0:46:22.520 Yeah, to feel and know that he's there still watching. 0:46:23.239 --> 0:46:24.520 That's beautiful. 0:46:26.239 --> 0:46:28.880 Banging away and now the parrots are going as well. 0:46:28.920 --> 0:46:33.239 They love to share a moment in hindsight, How amazing 0:46:33.440 --> 0:46:34.759 is it that he got to be there at that 0:46:34.800 --> 0:46:38.319 twenty twenty mcg and watch his little girl, you know, 0:46:38.440 --> 0:46:41.520 this big tough country dude watch his little girl in 0:46:41.520 --> 0:46:45.040 front of a packed mcg living air dream. How special 0:46:45.080 --> 0:46:45.279 was that? 0:46:45.840 --> 0:46:49.720 It was probably one of my greatest highlights, I think, 0:46:49.920 --> 0:46:55.720 knowing that that was his last live game of cricket, 0:46:56.160 --> 0:46:59.520 that he watched me play. Yeah, and that's actually one 0:46:59.560 --> 0:47:01.640 of the photo I also have up on my wall, 0:47:02.360 --> 0:47:04.920 so I lied, there are two cricket related ones, but 0:47:05.200 --> 0:47:06.560 still has my family in it. 0:47:06.640 --> 0:47:06.719 That. 0:47:07.880 --> 0:47:12.919 Yeah, how happy and how much pride he had. Yeah, 0:47:12.960 --> 0:47:14.839 it's so special that he was there and he got 0:47:14.840 --> 0:47:17.720 to experience it with the rest of the family as well, 0:47:17.800 --> 0:47:21.160 and my little niece and nephew. There's a photo of 0:47:21.200 --> 0:47:23.680 them holding the trophy at one point as well. 0:47:23.760 --> 0:47:25.640 And what did he say to you when you walked 0:47:25.640 --> 0:47:29.600 off the field that day. 0:47:28.000 --> 0:47:30.080 He gave me a hug and he just said he's 0:47:30.120 --> 0:47:30.880 so proud of me. 0:47:31.800 --> 0:47:34.360 It was so crazy that, like, I'd never had so 0:47:34.480 --> 0:47:38.160 many people, or never been in a change room with 0:47:38.200 --> 0:47:40.759 so many people, but all I wanted to do was 0:47:40.840 --> 0:47:45.200 just to send with them and share that moment with them. 0:47:45.800 --> 0:47:47.520 So we were quite happy just sitting off in the 0:47:47.560 --> 0:47:50.600 corner of the change room while everyone else was mingling 0:47:50.640 --> 0:47:53.600 and all and around, like I just wanted to share 0:47:53.640 --> 0:47:54.160 that with them. 0:47:54.600 --> 0:47:57.799 That's pretty cool. The day that he passed, what do 0:47:57.800 --> 0:48:00.080 you remember from that day? 0:48:00.760 --> 0:48:03.200 Well, sort of the few months leading up to it, 0:48:03.280 --> 0:48:06.560 I was sort of going either flying up or or 0:48:06.680 --> 0:48:10.400 driving up and back so to try and spend whatever 0:48:10.440 --> 0:48:13.879 time I could that he had left. But that day specifically, 0:48:13.960 --> 0:48:16.640 I remember I woke up to my partner sort of 0:48:16.680 --> 0:48:18.840 over me, sort of shaking me to wake. 0:48:18.719 --> 0:48:20.680 Up, and I was like, what's going on? And she'd 0:48:20.719 --> 0:48:22.120 just come back from the gym. 0:48:22.440 --> 0:48:25.399 I'd had a miscall from my mum, but so mum 0:48:25.400 --> 0:48:28.480 had been called Sarah and she said, oh, you need 0:48:28.520 --> 0:48:31.480 to call your mom and I was like, okay, like 0:48:32.480 --> 0:48:36.560 why and then I rang mum and she said, look, 0:48:37.080 --> 0:48:41.400 Dad's taken a turn overnight. We're not sure how much 0:48:41.800 --> 0:48:45.440 longer he sort of has left, And I said, right, well, 0:48:46.160 --> 0:48:48.319 we'll be on the road in an hour, because at 0:48:48.320 --> 0:48:51.920 that time, like we couldn't put Alfie into kennels or anything. 0:48:52.040 --> 0:48:54.880 We couldn't get like a flight. Sort of last minute 0:48:54.960 --> 0:48:58.360 timing wise didn't work out. And yeah, so then we 0:48:58.440 --> 0:49:02.399 drove up to Rocky, which was like a seven eight 0:49:02.440 --> 0:49:05.320 hour drive. One of my sisters was sort of messaging 0:49:05.360 --> 0:49:07.719 me quite frequently throughout the day just to check or 0:49:07.840 --> 0:49:08.440 where are you? 0:49:08.960 --> 0:49:10.120 How far away are you? 0:49:11.680 --> 0:49:16.840 And I remember we pulled into the hospital car park, 0:49:17.840 --> 0:49:20.440 but then my two sisters and mum were out there 0:49:20.480 --> 0:49:23.120 waiting and I went to get out and they said 0:49:23.480 --> 0:49:27.680 stay seated, and I was like why and they said, oh, 0:49:28.239 --> 0:49:34.640 Dad's gone. He's passed away about half an hour ago. 0:49:36.160 --> 0:49:45.640 So yeah, to know that he knew that we were coming, 0:49:46.880 --> 0:49:49.879 I think that was something. 0:49:49.600 --> 0:49:51.719 That I sort of took. 0:49:53.560 --> 0:49:57.000 Like the fact that I didn't make it on time, 0:49:57.080 --> 0:50:00.600 but the fact that he knew we were on our way, 0:50:00.640 --> 0:50:11.879 that we were trying to get to him. 0:50:07.239 --> 0:50:08.400 Yeah, I can sort of live with that. 0:50:13.280 --> 0:50:17.919 But my sister said he also probably knew that because 0:50:17.960 --> 0:50:20.080 I'd said to my sister that I don't know if 0:50:20.120 --> 0:50:23.800 I can be in the room when he passes, because 0:50:23.800 --> 0:50:25.879 I don't know how I would. 0:50:27.120 --> 0:50:27.560 Survive. 0:50:30.080 --> 0:50:35.799 And my sister said to me that Dad must have known, 0:50:36.560 --> 0:50:41.440 because he must have known that I didn't want to 0:50:41.440 --> 0:50:44.399 be in the room, or that I couldn't have been 0:50:44.400 --> 0:50:45.160 in the room. 0:50:45.000 --> 0:50:47.279 So he saved me from that. 0:50:51.560 --> 0:50:54.279 And I mean, the man's timing was impeccable in the 0:50:54.360 --> 0:50:58.759 sense that that day was it would have been his 0:50:58.960 --> 0:51:03.319 fortieth and through being in the workforce, it would have 0:51:03.400 --> 0:51:09.239 been the same day that of his mum's birthday. It 0:51:09.360 --> 0:51:14.760 was also the time he passed was at three forty five. 0:51:14.840 --> 0:51:17.560 And when he was a teacher, he always did afternoon 0:51:17.560 --> 0:51:20.399 bus Judy, and that was always when they knocked off, 0:51:21.800 --> 0:51:24.600 so he clocked off for one more time. 0:51:26.640 --> 0:51:38.359 That's really beautiful, You're right, yeah, it's just. 0:51:40.880 --> 0:51:46.400 Miss him every day. 0:51:47.400 --> 0:51:50.040 He'd be so bloody proud of you. You know that, right? 0:51:51.280 --> 0:51:57.160 Oh yeah, all right, I need to go now. 0:51:59.080 --> 0:52:04.120 Oh dear, So you remember him with the ladybugs. What 0:52:04.120 --> 0:52:07.719 would it mean to win a World Cup wearing those 0:52:07.800 --> 0:52:08.800 ladybug socks? 0:52:10.080 --> 0:52:16.480 I think it would mean the absolute world, not just 0:52:16.520 --> 0:52:20.879 for me, but for the rest of our family as well. 0:52:22.320 --> 0:52:28.520 I think, knowing obviously that the last game that he 0:52:28.640 --> 0:52:35.600 saw of me live was a World Cup final, to 0:52:35.680 --> 0:52:40.319 have him experience it in that way, it would be 0:52:40.360 --> 0:52:41.160 super special. 0:52:41.920 --> 0:52:44.479 Just watching on from he'd just be kicking back. 0:52:47.040 --> 0:52:49.360 He probably would have got all the non cricket watchers 0:52:49.480 --> 0:52:50.480 up there tuning in. 0:52:52.040 --> 0:52:56.600 Knowing him, although he was a very nervous watcher. So 0:52:57.480 --> 0:52:58.200 I'm not sure. 0:53:00.120 --> 0:53:03.520 Back in the day before it was cricket on TV 0:53:03.680 --> 0:53:06.120 and it was just the written ball by ball commentary, 0:53:06.920 --> 0:53:10.880 the poor man couldn't even sit still. He'd be pacing 0:53:11.000 --> 0:53:14.320 through the house. And yeah, Mum would say he was 0:53:14.360 --> 0:53:16.560 a pain to watch with. He would always commentate. He 0:53:16.560 --> 0:53:18.919 would always do this. She's like, just watch it ray. 0:53:20.719 --> 0:53:23.000 So yeah, I'm not sure how he'd be going upstairs. 0:53:23.840 --> 0:53:26.200 Before I let you go, I want to ask you. 0:53:26.200 --> 0:53:29.800 You've mentioned her throughout this entire chart, but your partner, Sarah, 0:53:30.360 --> 0:53:32.960 your du to get married at some point when this 0:53:33.120 --> 0:53:37.040 damn pandemic allows it. What does she meant to you 0:53:37.640 --> 0:53:40.319 given everything that you've just spoken about, Because she's been 0:53:40.360 --> 0:53:43.719 there to figuratively and literally hold your hand throughout the 0:53:43.760 --> 0:53:44.400 whole ordeal. 0:53:44.760 --> 0:53:53.160 She's my rock, my savior in a lot of ways. 0:53:55.480 --> 0:53:59.279 And look, I probably don't tell her enough. 0:54:00.560 --> 0:54:01.280 How much. 0:54:03.080 --> 0:54:08.840 She's done for me and how much she means to me. Yeah, 0:54:08.920 --> 0:54:12.600 more than anyone she's She's been there through it all 0:54:14.840 --> 0:54:18.160 and quite often as well, when like she's had to 0:54:18.160 --> 0:54:21.799 hold the ford at home while I've been on the 0:54:21.880 --> 0:54:26.680 road living a dream basically like, yeah, I've had my 0:54:27.440 --> 0:54:33.480 struggles and my challenges, but knowing that she's always there 0:54:33.480 --> 0:54:36.120 on the other end makes it all worth it. 0:54:37.360 --> 0:54:40.200 Well, now she has it on the record, she. 0:54:40.200 --> 0:54:42.920 Does, and then I guarantee when I retire, she'd be like, 0:54:43.000 --> 0:54:44.720 can you come out of retirement already? 0:54:45.560 --> 0:54:50.000 Can you go back and play? Seeing too much of 0:54:50.040 --> 0:54:50.399 you now? 0:54:50.560 --> 0:54:50.759 Yeah? 0:54:50.840 --> 0:54:54.720 Yeah. When I was injured and missed a recent series, she's. 0:54:54.560 --> 0:54:56.640 Like, when are you going again? 0:54:58.400 --> 0:55:00.560 Which is exactly what my mum said to my dad 0:55:00.600 --> 0:55:03.000 a few times. So it's like, well, great, this is awesome. 0:55:04.640 --> 0:55:08.279 We've built a life together and we're building a house. Now, 0:55:08.360 --> 0:55:10.440 we've got our dog, we're going to get another one. 0:55:10.440 --> 0:55:13.200 So it's like we've got our our life set up 0:55:13.239 --> 0:55:17.680 and I can't wait to when my time comes put 0:55:17.719 --> 0:55:20.800 up the boots in the cricket field that I can't 0:55:20.800 --> 0:55:22.239 wait to spend more time with her. 0:55:23.080 --> 0:55:25.040 Are you going to have lady bugs at the wedding? 0:55:25.640 --> 0:55:26.120 Probably? 0:55:27.400 --> 0:55:31.560 Yeah, there'll be a nod in some capacity, that's for sure. 0:55:31.760 --> 0:55:35.719 Jess. Thanks so much for everything you've shared, for being 0:55:35.760 --> 0:55:38.520 as honest and as open as you have, and for 0:55:38.560 --> 0:55:41.080 all the highlights that you've provided all lust cricket fans 0:55:41.080 --> 0:55:43.120 for so many years. And I'm sure there's still plenty 0:55:43.160 --> 0:55:45.160 more to come. I know you're going to help a 0:55:45.160 --> 0:55:47.520 lot of people with what you've shared today by being 0:55:47.520 --> 0:55:50.640 as open. So thank you very much for doing it 0:55:50.640 --> 0:55:50.880 with me. 0:55:51.360 --> 0:55:53.360 No, thanks for chatting with me, Thanks for giving me 0:55:53.440 --> 0:55:54.800 the opportunity. 0:55:57.360 --> 0:56:02.280 Time, Thanks for listening to this episode of ordinarily speaking, 0:56:02.680 --> 0:56:05.759 This episode is released almost two years to the day 0:56:05.840 --> 0:56:09.879 since that magical afternoon at the MCG. The memory still 0:56:09.920 --> 0:56:12.680 gives me goosebumps. What it meant to women in Australia 0:56:12.880 --> 0:56:16.120 and all around the world, and as we now know, 0:56:16.440 --> 0:56:20.200 one of the last major sporting events before the world changed. 0:56:20.840 --> 0:56:22.959 Make sure you support the girls at this World Cup 0:56:22.960 --> 0:56:25.920 in New Zealand. They're helping to change the world for 0:56:26.040 --> 0:56:35.560 every sports loving little girl.