Speaker 1: Ordinarily Speaking, I internalize my own personal identity struggles, but
Speaker 1: now I'm speaking out to try and help others to
Speaker 1: make sure they don't do.
Speaker 2: The same.
Speaker 3: Time.
Speaker 4: Hello and welcome to this episode of Ordinarily Speaking. Jess
Speaker 4: Jonason has been a part of the Australian cricket set
Speaker 4: up for a decade, playing in all forms of the game.
Speaker 4: Her success on the field is testament to her resilience
Speaker 4: off it. Battles with depression and self identity led Jess
Speaker 4: down a path where she's self harmed and abused alcohol.
Speaker 4: All the while, Jess was also coming to terms with
Speaker 4: her father's declining health. Jess shares her story publicly for
Speaker 4: the first time in the hope of helping others. She
Speaker 4: doesn't want anyone, especially kids, to feel as a lone
Speaker 4: as she sometimes has. As you listen to this incredibly
Speaker 4: honest chat, please remember there is help out there. Beyond
Speaker 4: Blue dot org, dot au and Lifeline one three Double
Speaker 4: one one four are just a couple of places you
Speaker 4: can go. We caught up just before Jess departed for
Speaker 4: the World Cup in New Zealand, which is happening as
Speaker 4: this podcast is released. If you tune in to support
Speaker 4: the girls and watch Jess play look.
Speaker 3: Out for the Ladybug Socks. I hope you enjoyed the chat.
Speaker 4: Well, I'm going to preface this chat by saying we're
Speaker 4: both wearing masks because you're getting ready for a World
Speaker 4: Cup and we're at the Junction Oval in Victoria, and
Speaker 4: there's a little bit of you know, preparations going on
Speaker 4: for the last of the Ashes, So there's a bit
Speaker 4: of noise happening at the moment, So bear with us
Speaker 4: if you hear the sounds of summer trucks, crickets, parrots, rollers,
Speaker 4: those sorts of things. But Jess, thanks so much for
Speaker 4: spending some time with us.
Speaker 5: Thanks for having me.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a bit of chaos here, hopefully organized chaos,
Speaker 1: though we.
Speaker 4: Like a bit of organized chaos. You want to share
Speaker 4: your story today, including some really personal things that you
Speaker 4: haven't shared publicly before. I want to start by asking
Speaker 4: why do you want to share your story?
Speaker 5: Yeah?
Speaker 1: I think for me it's always been about trying to
Speaker 1: help at least one person, because I know with some
Speaker 1: of the things that I've sort of gone through or
Speaker 1: experienced that it felt quite lonely at times that so, yeah,
Speaker 1: sometimes it's nice to know that like, even though we're
Speaker 1: an athlete or whatever, that was still human as well
Speaker 1: and still go through all the same sort of stuff.
Speaker 4: And he's off, Oh, he's going to star in this
Speaker 4: podcast episode. I have a feeling. So it is it
Speaker 4: about not feeling alone, I guess and the way that
Speaker 4: you did.
Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, it is, and that there is help out there.
Speaker 1: There are other people out there that sort of experienced
Speaker 1: similar things. So yeah, to sort of never feel like
Speaker 1: you're the only one going through something.
Speaker 4: Going back to when you were a little girl, you
Speaker 4: had some inner struggles, tell me a little bit about that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, well, I guess being a girl growing up in
Speaker 1: country Queensland, up in Rockampton and with my sport in
Speaker 1: cricket that it's such a male dominant sort of arena
Speaker 1: as well. So being a young girl, yeah, sort of
Speaker 1: the access of playing cricket with or against girls was
Speaker 1: just non existent. Just to play cricket alone, my parents
Speaker 1: actually had to go and get I guess permission from
Speaker 1: Catholic Education Queensland because I was at a Catholic school.
Speaker 1: And yeah, the fact that we had to get permission
Speaker 1: from such a high up organization for me just to
Speaker 1: play a sport that I loved and I enjoyed because
Speaker 1: it wasn't for girls. Yeah, it wasn't for girls. And
Speaker 1: I vividly remember them telling me that, yes, you can play.
Speaker 1: We give you permission to play, but you have to
Speaker 1: wear the clothes that the boys wear. You have to
Speaker 1: wear the shorts. And I was like, well duh. Like
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm going to be out there and white.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to get skin taken off my legs.
Speaker 1: And I was like, I'm not gonna wear my.
Speaker 5: Skirt out there to play.
Speaker 1: So yeah, it was just looking back now, it's just
Speaker 1: little comments like that just make me shake my head.
Speaker 4: How did that make you feel at the time.
Speaker 1: At the time, because I was quite young, I just
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, great, they're gonna let me play.
Speaker 5: That's all I really cared about.
Speaker 1: I just wanted to participate, I guess, in a sport
Speaker 1: that I enjoyed and I loved and I happened to
Speaker 1: be good at. I didn't care whether I was the
Speaker 1: only one of my kind. I guess you could say
Speaker 1: I was lucky. I had some really good support around me,
Speaker 1: not only from my parents, from my family, but then
Speaker 1: I had a local club coach up there, Scott Deith
Speaker 1: who he was my only ever cricket coach up in
Speaker 1: Rocky and he still follows my career closely now. So
Speaker 1: he was a massive part of getting me and keeping
Speaker 1: me in the game.
Speaker 4: I feel like every episode I do of this, there's
Speaker 4: always somebody like that that had you back at the beginning.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I mean, he still to this day underestimates the importance
Speaker 1: that he's had on my career. But yeah, every time
Speaker 1: I would go back home, he's like, oh, you bring
Speaker 1: in your kit, do you want to throw, do you
Speaker 1: want to have a bad or whatever.
Speaker 5: So that's pretty cool even now.
Speaker 4: So the Catholic upbringing, how else did it impact you?
Speaker 5: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Obviously, Yeah, when I was sort of much older, around
Speaker 1: seventeen eighteen, so I had some elements of I guess
Speaker 1: self discovery and figuring out my sexuality as well. So
Speaker 1: that was a big one for me that he Obviously,
Speaker 1: growing up in the country, traditional values, Catholic school, the
Speaker 1: idea of homosexuality just wasn't really a thing. So yeah,
Speaker 1: that was one thing for me going through that phase
Speaker 1: of my life that Yeah, it was pretty confronting at
Speaker 1: the time, but I was once again fortunate that I
Speaker 1: had some really good support around me with my partner,
Speaker 1: who I met in twenty twelve.
Speaker 5: It was now, so that's a long time ago.
Speaker 1: So yeah, Sarah, she's her and her family were very
Speaker 1: good to me, particularly because when I as soon as
Speaker 1: I finished school in twenty ten, I moved down to Brisbane,
Speaker 1: so I was away from my entire family.
Speaker 5: It was just me.
Speaker 1: So yeah, meeting her a few years later really really
Speaker 1: almost saved me in a way.
Speaker 4: When you say self discovery and thinking about your own identity,
Speaker 4: what sort of thoughts were you having at the time
Speaker 4: as far as how you were feeling about yourself.
Speaker 1: I guess it was a bit of confusion in a
Speaker 1: way that I knew sort of that I liked women
Speaker 1: or how I felt there, but at the same time
Speaker 1: there was struggles sort of within my family around acceptance
Speaker 1: of it. So then I sort of felt, well, I guess,
Speaker 1: is this the wrong thing? Like am I doing the
Speaker 1: wrong thing by my family or whatever? But then at
Speaker 1: the same time I was like, well, I don't want
Speaker 1: to sacrifice my happiness just to make somebody else feel
Speaker 1: better about the situation. So yeah, there was a lot
Speaker 1: of sort of mental struggles in that sort of phase
Speaker 1: as well that I yeah, turned to things that weren't
Speaker 1: healthy for me, whether that be sort of drinking a
Speaker 1: bit or at different times some self harm because I
Speaker 1: just wanted to focus on something different or feel something different.
Speaker 1: And it was a very confronting time of my life.
Speaker 1: But yeah, very fortunate that I was with my partner
Speaker 1: at the time that I realized that, yeah, there were
Speaker 1: some pretty amazing things still happening in my life regardless
Speaker 1: of the conflict in a way that was sort of
Speaker 1: between some members of my family at the time.
Speaker 4: That must be incredibly tough because you're close with your family, yeah,
Speaker 4: love them, So how do you reconcile with that?
Speaker 1: Well, I was sort of just thinking, well, it's just time,
Speaker 1: like always being told time will heal most things. So,
Speaker 1: and I mean one of my sisters, Laura, I'm probably
Speaker 1: the closest with her out of my two sisters, and
Speaker 1: I sort of told her that I was like, I'm gay,
Speaker 1: and she was so supportive of me, and she's like, well, yeah, duh,
Speaker 1: Like it's almost like she just knew. And then that's
Speaker 1: the thing that like, I was such a tomboy growing up.
Speaker 1: I played cricket, I had short hair at different times,
Speaker 1: like I mean, stereotypically, but then it's like just other
Speaker 1: certain things that it was just like just precursors that
Speaker 1: almost just led her to believe that, well, yeah, this
Speaker 1: is who you are and I love you no matter what.
Speaker 1: So I think having her support and her voice sort
Speaker 1: of up at home with the rest of my family
Speaker 1: should have probably helped that process in a way. And
Speaker 1: I vividly remember that when the rest of my family
Speaker 1: sort of found out that it was a week or
Speaker 1: so before I was heading overseas for a cricket trip.
Speaker 5: So I just thought, well, you, beauty, this is great.
Speaker 1: Like I can sort of escape it in a way
Speaker 1: that I'm not big on conflict, so I just sort
Speaker 1: of just put it on the back burner and I
Speaker 1: was like, well, they can deal with it because I've
Speaker 1: come to terms with this is who I am and
Speaker 1: I'm happy. Yeah, it was sort of it just one
Speaker 1: of those things that.
Speaker 5: I was really firm in the belief as to who
Speaker 5: I was with that part of my life.
Speaker 4: Do you remember your parents' first reaction.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I remember having some long conversations on the phone with
Speaker 1: Mom at different times, like a few arguments I think
Speaker 1: there was one time that she was like, I love you,
Speaker 1: but so there was always that one and like it
Speaker 1: did hurt a little bit because I was sort of like, well,
Speaker 1: I don't want to lose my family over this, but
Speaker 1: at the same time, like they need to accept it.
Speaker 1: I mean they have now, Like it was sort of
Speaker 1: just in that moment that, yeah, they were making it
Speaker 1: sort of about them and thinking that they failed as parents,
Speaker 1: which I think that's just the traditional values that they
Speaker 1: were brought up on, and like I touched on before that,
Speaker 1: like being in a regional area in the country that
Speaker 1: it was just homosexuality just wasn't necessarily a thing, or
Speaker 1: it wasn't sort of out there in people's faces, or
Speaker 1: people weren't exposed as exposed to it. So yeah, I
Speaker 1: think initially they were sort of just a bit taken
Speaker 1: aback by it, and it was very hard at the
Speaker 1: time because I know that Mum was like, well, I
Speaker 1: love you, but obviously I want different things for you whatever.
Speaker 1: I was like, well, if you love me, how you're
Speaker 1: acting now is going the right way about pushing me away.
Speaker 5: If you love me, then this is like you love me.
Speaker 1: I think she was just worried that I'd be just
Speaker 1: labeled as Jess Jonason, the lesbian cricketer.
Speaker 5: But I remember telling her that some.
Speaker 1: Of the most successful female cricketers just happen to be gay,
Speaker 1: Like they're not known as this person like oh, Alex
Speaker 1: Blackwell the gay Captain of Australia or whatever, like, it's
Speaker 1: just that's just part of who they are.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and feeling safe in that environment is a great thing.
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly, And that's probably one of the biggest things
Speaker 1: that it's like the obviously there's the stereotype that female
Speaker 1: so many female athletes are gay or lesbian or biosexual
Speaker 1: or whatever, but it's probably just comes across that way
Speaker 1: because it's an environment where people feel safe to fully
Speaker 1: express themselves and be genuine and be exactly who they are.
Speaker 4: Are there any moments he's off again, caep it down, mate,
Speaker 4: Come on, Are there any moments that stand out to
Speaker 4: you that you really felt like you had to hide?
Speaker 1: Like I'm generally a relatively private person anyway, so I
Speaker 1: never really sort of felt like I had to hide
Speaker 1: in a way. There was probably just parts of my
Speaker 1: life that I just chose not to share with people.
Speaker 1: From that, I probably then started to believe that I
Speaker 1: was only a certain type of person in the sense
Speaker 1: that well, when I was just a cricketer and that's
Speaker 1: all the conversations with people.
Speaker 5: Around me revolved around.
Speaker 1: Yeah, sort of in the outside world, it was sort
Speaker 1: of it wasn't really something that I guess for a
Speaker 1: long time was deemed marketable in a way, so I
Speaker 1: just kept it to myself.
Speaker 4: God, that's a tough thing to say, isn't it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Like, and I mean like I get it to
Speaker 1: an extent, but at the same time, it's sort of, well,
Speaker 1: there's so many different types of people in the world
Speaker 1: that why you sort of only wanting to try and
Speaker 1: appeal to a certain type or certain audience.
Speaker 5: Yeah, it's sort of.
Speaker 1: That was quite challenging at a time that I was like, well,
Speaker 1: who I am isn't Sometimes it feels like who I
Speaker 1: am isn't good enough, or isn't something that or someone
Speaker 1: that you can put out there to be like, Hey,
Speaker 1: we're proud of who this person is, Like, if you
Speaker 1: want to be like them, we support that you. And
Speaker 1: the thing that I keep coming back to is you
Speaker 1: as the little girl, and if you as the little
Speaker 1: girl had someone like you with your experience and in
Speaker 1: the Australian cricket it's you know, you're basically part of
Speaker 1: the furniture.
Speaker 4: Now Australian cricket. Speaking as honestly as this, when you're
Speaker 4: a little girl, I would imagine that would have meant
Speaker 4: a lot to you. When you think about the little
Speaker 4: girl that you were, what do you wish you could
Speaker 4: say to her?
Speaker 1: Yeah, well, it's funny you say that, because I did
Speaker 1: sort of have somebody like that who I've never actually
Speaker 1: told her that she had this impact on me, to
Speaker 1: be fair, but it was Alex Blackwell. I remember being
Speaker 1: on a tour and it was back in the time
Speaker 1: when we had roommates and stuff, and she was somebody
Speaker 1: that you could just have an open, honest and genuine
Speaker 1: conversation with about anything and she listened. And obviously for
Speaker 1: me when I was in the Australian stuff for the
Speaker 1: first time, I was this young sort of nineteen year
Speaker 1: old and she'd had a wealth of experience, she'd been
Speaker 1: there many years before, and just having conversations with her
Speaker 1: about just being authentic and being who you are and
Speaker 1: being proud of that. That that was always the way
Speaker 1: that I felt when I was talking or I was
Speaker 1: around her, and she actually said to me after one
Speaker 1: of our domestic games against New South Wales actually that
Speaker 1: she was like, oh, she noticed a change in me
Speaker 1: that I'd gone from being quite reserved and my cricket
Speaker 1: was sort of just like plateauing, just going along. And
Speaker 1: then after a little while when I started sort of
Speaker 1: giving a little bit more of myself and about I
Speaker 1: guess that side of myself that I was in a
Speaker 1: same sexual relationship and all of this, that she was like, Yeah,
Speaker 1: you just seem so much more. You just seem happy,
Speaker 1: like you just seem more you, and that in itself,
Speaker 1: I was sort of a bit of a light bulb
Speaker 1: moment that I was like, well, hey, people like this
Speaker 1: actually notice this change in me, that this is actually
Speaker 1: something that's like positive and something that's for the better.
Speaker 5: That I need to do more of it. So I
Speaker 5: guess for me.
Speaker 1: That if I had something like that even a few
Speaker 1: years earlier, that I would have felt so much more
Speaker 1: comfortable with sharing myself with everyone, like around like with
Speaker 1: the world that I was like, well, no, this is
Speaker 1: who I am. I'm proud of who I am. And
Speaker 1: I guess that's the point where I'm at now that
Speaker 1: I was never ashamed of it.
Speaker 5: I was never I never felt like.
Speaker 1: I was not being true, but it was sort of just, Yeah,
Speaker 1: when you have people in I guess the organization you're
Speaker 1: a part of that make you feel never intended to,
Speaker 1: but make you feel like you're not as worthy as
Speaker 1: somebody who in a I guess a heterosexual relationship, it's
Speaker 1: like you just keep trying to put it down, put
Speaker 1: it down, push it down further. So yeah, to have
Speaker 1: someone like Alex who was so open and vocal about
Speaker 1: who she was and proud of that, then yeah, it
Speaker 1: had a massive impact on me and making me want
Speaker 1: to be that open and proud and sort of feel
Speaker 1: like it's my responsibility in a way to help any
Speaker 1: other young Like it doesn't have to be a young female.
Speaker 1: It could be a young male or somebody who is
Speaker 1: questioning their sexual identity or gender or anything that it's like, well,
Speaker 1: who you are is okay, who you are is enough.
Speaker 4: What a powerful gift that Alex gave you and that
Speaker 4: you're going to give to other people, There's no doubt
Speaker 4: about it. You spoke earlier about the self harm aspect.
Speaker 4: How did that come about for you?
Speaker 5: Yeah, well that for me was probably it was more so.
Speaker 1: To try and feel something different than what I was
Speaker 1: sometimes just actually to feel something at all. That I
Speaker 1: went through a few phases of some depression, But then
Speaker 1: that aspect of it was something that I never really
Speaker 1: even shared with some psychologists at the time, so that
Speaker 1: was still something I was trying to battle with internally.
Speaker 5: That because obviously the perception of it.
Speaker 1: Being bad or that you're self harmed to try and
Speaker 1: suicide sort of thing, but it wasn't at that point,
Speaker 1: and it wasn't for those reasons. And also the thing
Speaker 1: that it's like, well, being a teenager, have some typical
Speaker 1: teenage I guess phrases or things that people throw around
Speaker 1: is that you're just doing it for attention, which.
Speaker 5: Was never the case.
Speaker 1: I'm never somebody I never want to be a center
Speaker 1: of attention for anything.
Speaker 5: So I was like, well, why would I do it
Speaker 5: for that reason?
Speaker 1: And I guess for me, I knew that's not why
Speaker 1: I was doing it that yeah, and it was sort
Speaker 1: of it was never major things, but it was.
Speaker 5: Like maybe sometimes I'd have.
Speaker 1: Like a little knife from the kitchen or whatever, if
Speaker 1: I was on tour on my own in a spot
Speaker 1: that only I'm going to see it when I'm in
Speaker 1: the shower sort of thing, and always doing it in
Speaker 1: places that I know are always covered up other than
Speaker 1: like if my partner was there or would see or whatever.
Speaker 1: Then like I remember making up stories that I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: I dived the cricket field and something scratched me or whatever,
Speaker 1: and like that in itself didn't feel right lying to
Speaker 1: her early on, but that side of it, I was
Speaker 1: a bit embarrassed in a way that I got to
Speaker 1: that point, but at the same time in the moment
Speaker 1: that it's the only way I felt like I could cope.
Speaker 4: So was it a pressure release?
Speaker 1: Is that?
Speaker 5: Yeah? Probably in a way.
Speaker 1: Stuff was like built up in me and I was like, well,
Speaker 1: I needed to do something. And if it wasn't that,
Speaker 1: then I was craving a drink every day and I'm
Speaker 1: not a big drinker, but I'd wake up in the
Speaker 1: morning I was like, I just want to have a drink,
Speaker 1: And I mean there was something when I wouldn't because
Speaker 1: I knew I couldn't. So then that was the next
Speaker 1: best option that I saw at the time, And like
Speaker 1: I'd never it would never get to the point where
Speaker 1: it's like I'd drink and get drunk. It was just
Speaker 1: I needed something to just level me out a bit.
Speaker 1: But then yeah, it got to the point where I
Speaker 1: was like, well, I was doing that day on day
Speaker 1: on day that it's like I just needed a drink.
Speaker 4: To cope numb of the pain.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Like it's crazy to be like thinking about it
Speaker 1: again now that it's like I was in that that
Speaker 1: period of my life where I just that's literally all
Speaker 1: I could think of and it's the only way I
Speaker 1: thought I could cope.
Speaker 4: How is it talking about it and thinking, like really
Speaker 4: thinking about it. It's very confronting, and it makes me
Speaker 4: realize how much I actually do keep to myself that
Speaker 4: it's HiT's something that my partner and I have spoken
Speaker 4: about a bit in the sense that I've asked her
Speaker 4: to open up to me a bit more. And then
Speaker 4: on the same foot, I'm not actually doing that myself,
Speaker 4: or as much as.
Speaker 5: I thought I was.
Speaker 1: Yeah, the fact, like very early on, like I said
Speaker 1: that I kept things like that from her, but I
Speaker 1: ended up telling her like a number of years ago.
Speaker 5: Timing is not my strong point.
Speaker 1: Because I'd had a few drinks and it was Christmas day,
Speaker 1: and I've thought it was the right time to tell her, Hey,
Speaker 1: this is what I've done, and yeah, like it wasn't
Speaker 1: great for her, like she felt like she had failed
Speaker 1: me in a way that I didn't feel comfortable enough
Speaker 1: to tell her before I got to that point that
Speaker 1: try and get let her help me. And I never
Speaker 1: wanted to burden anybody. That was my thing, and that
Speaker 1: was something that my dad was always strong on that
Speaker 1: he just never wanted to put anybody out. So I
Speaker 1: think I guess I sort of got that trade off
Speaker 1: him a little bit that I was like, no, it's my.
Speaker 5: Battles, I'll deal with it myself, which.
Speaker 1: In hindsight and now is that I've learned is not
Speaker 1: the way to go about it. That there's people around
Speaker 1: you that love you and want to support you that
Speaker 1: sometimes you don't know how they can help or how
Speaker 1: you can help yourself, which is off and the hardest
Speaker 1: part that it's like, well, what do you.
Speaker 4: Need from me?
Speaker 1: And my response quite often was I don't know, and
Speaker 1: it's okay to not know, but it's just sometimes knowing
Speaker 1: that that person is there is enough.
Speaker 5: I guess it wasn't necessarily like a pride.
Speaker 1: Thing that I didn't want to tell people that this
Speaker 1: is what was going on. Like I was always self aware,
Speaker 1: but a lot of the time, yeah, I just never
Speaker 1: actually knew the right way to deal with it or
Speaker 1: cope with it.
Speaker 4: It's a confronting thing.
Speaker 5: Say, it's very confronting.
Speaker 4: When was it at its worst for you.
Speaker 1: In terms of this self harm stuff in itself was
Speaker 1: probably a number of years ago now, which I'm proud
Speaker 1: of that I've sort of overcome that part of it.
Speaker 1: But then, yeah, probably as recently as twenty eighteen was
Speaker 1: a very tough year for me as well, in the
Speaker 1: sense that in and around sort of cricket related stuff
Speaker 1: that well, I'd had a really solid preseason.
Speaker 5: I'd worked exceptionally hard, and I was.
Speaker 1: In the form and the physical peak of my career,
Speaker 1: and I was feeling really good, and we were preparing
Speaker 1: for a T twenty World Cup in the West Indies.
Speaker 1: And then a couple of weeks or just under a
Speaker 1: month before we went away, we had a training camp
Speaker 1: and just chasing after a ball as I normally would,
Speaker 1: and felt something going my knee and I couldn't put
Speaker 1: any weight on it at all. And with me, I
Speaker 1: have a pretty sketchy history of knee issues.
Speaker 5: So yeah, I ended up getting a scan.
Speaker 1: And how many of you done, I've had four, so
Speaker 1: I've had two on each leg now, so.
Speaker 4: You're fair share.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah that was hard in itself, like I've had my
Speaker 1: history of injuries throughout and but yeah, for this, the
Speaker 1: fact that I'd worked so hard I was in the
Speaker 1: position that I was, and then I broke down just
Speaker 1: before a major tournament, and I mean I managed to
Speaker 1: work hard to get on the plane to go to
Speaker 1: that series and didn't end up playing a single game,
Speaker 1: and ultimately the girls won the World Cup. And I
Speaker 1: remember being over there that I just felt really hollow,
Speaker 1: really empty, and I felt bad for that because I'm
Speaker 1: a real team person, Like I loved that the girls won.
Speaker 1: I knew all the work that they'd put in, but
Speaker 1: then I was like, well, I contributed nothing Like That's
Speaker 1: how I felt like. I felt like I was just
Speaker 1: a spare part over there, that what I had done
Speaker 1: to get there didn't matter. And that was a hard
Speaker 1: thing to have the battle through when I was so
Speaker 1: far away. I was on the complete other side of
Speaker 1: the world. I was so far away from everybody who
Speaker 1: cared about me, loved me, my support network. The time
Speaker 1: difference was awful, So I'd talked to my loved ones
Speaker 1: like maybe twenty minutes a day, sometimes not even at
Speaker 1: all for a few days. So yeah, that was probably
Speaker 1: probably one of my lowest, if not the lowest points
Speaker 1: that I felt when I was away on that tour.
Speaker 4: And so how did it manifest itself on that tour?
Speaker 5: Yeah, well, it.
Speaker 1: Got to the point where there's actually another player and
Speaker 1: I we both didn't play a single game and we
Speaker 1: ended up probably surviving that tour on rum and dry
Speaker 1: hum or, drinking pina coladas on the beach. That there
Speaker 1: was often that I'd say, oh, yeah, it's a virgin
Speaker 1: pina colada, but knowing full well it wasn't. Yeah, it
Speaker 1: was like, oh, well, like we're just here pretty much
Speaker 1: to make up the numbers.
Speaker 5: Like that's sort of just how it felt.
Speaker 1: I sort of lost my identity in a way, I
Speaker 1: guess you could say that so often I was known
Speaker 1: as Jess Johnason, the cricketer, and when I wasn't out
Speaker 1: in the field, I wasn't performing, I didn't have anything
Speaker 1: really to talk to people about in terms of performances
Speaker 1: or whatever, because I was like, well, I didn't have
Speaker 1: any part to play, So if I'm not playing cricket,
Speaker 1: then who the hell am I? Particularly when you're in
Speaker 1: a bubble right or you're on or to, everything just amplifies.
Speaker 1: I just felt so trapped. I just wanted Every day
Speaker 1: I woke up and I cried because I just wanted
Speaker 1: to go home. I've never been at that point before that.
Speaker 1: I've loved playing cricket. I've loved representing my country like
Speaker 1: my family, and yeah, to not want to be there
Speaker 1: it was really hard.
Speaker 4: Was part of it that if you're not the cricketer,
Speaker 4: then who am I? And then I have to deal
Speaker 4: with the real stuff as well, the stuff that you
Speaker 4: sort of had spoken about earlier.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's just well there was so much extra space
Speaker 1: to think or overthink or yeah, like you said, like
Speaker 1: have to deal with or have to confront that. Cricket
Speaker 1: was almost the distraction away from all of that stuff.
Speaker 1: Even if I was performing badly or whatnot. It's just
Speaker 1: I still loved being out on the field.
Speaker 4: And there was something to focus on it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, there was something to actually put my energy or
Speaker 1: my attention into. But when I didn't have that, I
Speaker 1: was like well, I didn't want to do anything. There
Speaker 1: was a lot of tears, there was a lot of
Speaker 1: sort of disengaging. Yeah, I just didn't feel comfortable sort
Speaker 1: of around the group because like I was feeling so
Speaker 1: low and so negative. But then at the same time,
Speaker 1: I had thirteen fourteen other girls that were actually preparing
Speaker 1: for a world tournament, that they had their attention and
Speaker 1: their focus on something positive.
Speaker 5: But then I was feeling like that that.
Speaker 1: I was just I just thought the best option was
Speaker 1: to just stay in my room and not really come out,
Speaker 1: because at times when I did, I felt like I
Speaker 1: had to put on a front, and that in itself,
Speaker 1: when I was feeling so low and not much energy,
Speaker 1: I didn't have much else to give. So I'd get
Speaker 1: back to my room and I'd just be completely exhausted.
Speaker 4: In hindsight, do you think you would depressed?
Speaker 5: Yeah, without a doubt.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I guess for me, like, I was just
Speaker 1: so fortunate that we had our team psych that traveled
Speaker 1: away with us that he almost forced me to have
Speaker 1: conversations with him early on because he could see it.
Speaker 5: He'd seen me.
Speaker 1: I'd been speaking with him probably a year or two
Speaker 1: prior to that, and he noticed the change in me,
Speaker 1: He noticed the difference. Yeah, the fact that he forced
Speaker 1: me a few times to do it was probably something
Speaker 1: that yeah, I thank him for now.
Speaker 5: Saved Yeah, definitely saved me because I would have been, like,
Speaker 5: there's a time where.
Speaker 1: I was I was looking up flights out of try
Speaker 1: and get myself out of there.
Speaker 4: Do the girls know now what you went through then?
Speaker 5: Not to that extent?
Speaker 4: No, how do you think they're going to feel when
Speaker 4: they listen to this?
Speaker 1: Probably wish that I spoke up to some extent, Like
Speaker 1: I don't know, it's always a hard one. Like our
Speaker 1: group is so supportive, which is why me not sort
Speaker 1: of sharing much of this at the time.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1: It seems a little bit hypocritical in a way that
Speaker 1: it's cycle. We say, yeah, if you're struggling, like speak
Speaker 1: up and whatnot, but it's like the physical act of
Speaker 1: doing that is actually really challenging. And I think for
Speaker 1: me it was never like, oh, I don't want to
Speaker 1: speak up because I'm afraid that I might not get
Speaker 1: selected because they see me as mentally fragile or whatever
Speaker 1: that I'm not mentally tough. But yeah, it's sort of
Speaker 1: it just goes to show that, like, people only see
Speaker 1: the version of you that you wish them to see. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I know the girls would have wished that I'd spoken
Speaker 1: up a little bit more about it so that they
Speaker 1: could feel like they helped that I felt less lonely,
Speaker 1: but I didn't want to detract from what their job
Speaker 1: was to win.
Speaker 4: How did you get through it?
Speaker 1: Well, it was a lot of thanks to Pete Peter Clark,
Speaker 1: our team's site. I probably caught up with him every
Speaker 1: few days at one point on that trip, and we
Speaker 1: actually did a few workshops when I got to the
Speaker 1: point where I could actually speak when I was with
Speaker 1: him that there were times at the start where I
Speaker 1: caught up with him and he asked me how I
Speaker 1: was going.
Speaker 5: I literally just cried.
Speaker 1: I couldn't I couldn't actually put a sentence together because
Speaker 1: there was just all this built up emotion because I'd
Speaker 1: just been on my own in my room. I'd shut
Speaker 1: myself off. So with him actually asking me how I was,
Speaker 1: it's just just all came out at once. And Yeah,
Speaker 1: we eventually got to the point where we could do
Speaker 1: some workshop sort of stuff in the sense that figuring out, well, okay,
Speaker 1: who is Jess Jonason away from the cricket field, and
Speaker 1: he made me realize all the great things that I
Speaker 1: do that don't actually involve cricket, all the great relationships
Speaker 1: I have that aren't with cricket people. That in itself
Speaker 1: was so powerful for me. It was so easy to
Speaker 1: stay wrapped up in cricket because that was my environment
Speaker 1: at the time, and I lost sight of everything else
Speaker 1: that was outside of that, that actually is more a
Speaker 1: part of me than what cricket is.
Speaker 4: So who are you?
Speaker 1: Well, I'm a daughter, I'm a sister, I'm a partner,
Speaker 1: I've completed a law degree, I've completed multiple sort of
Speaker 1: uni degrees and grad certificates, like I'm a dog.
Speaker 5: Mum as well.
Speaker 1: Like so, yeah, there's so many, so many different aspects
Speaker 1: to me that, yeah, more than just cricket.
Speaker 4: How are you doing now? Is your mental health something
Speaker 4: that you need to check in on daily or how
Speaker 4: in your words are you doing now?
Speaker 5: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Well, it's something that is an ongoing I wouldn't say battle,
Speaker 1: but it's an ongoing thing that I need to continuously
Speaker 1: check in on.
Speaker 5: I journal a little bit.
Speaker 1: I used to do it quite regularly when I was
Speaker 1: sort of at my worst, and then there was times
Speaker 1: when I just I completely stopped because I felt like
Speaker 1: I was fine and I was tracking really well. But
Speaker 1: then yeah, it's sort of it's something that I know
Speaker 1: helps me, so I try and keep on top of.
Speaker 1: Whenever I've got long tours, particularly when I'm away from home,
Speaker 1: is probably when.
Speaker 5: It's some of its hardest.
Speaker 1: Particularly in the current climate with COVID that we're in.
Speaker 1: We have heavy protocols that we're not allowed out too much.
Speaker 4: We have to sit in standard masks on apart going through.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so it's like there's so many extra things that
Speaker 1: sort of make you have to be I guess internal
Speaker 1: with a lot of things. So it's so, yeah, journaling
Speaker 1: for me is something that's actually really helped me, and
Speaker 1: then actually just making the conscious effort there when somebody
Speaker 1: asked me how I am, particularly somebody that's important to me,
Speaker 1: that I tell them the honest answer, and quite often
Speaker 1: some ways that I phrase it is sort of if
Speaker 1: somebody asked me I was like, I'm not, like, are
Speaker 1: you okay?
Speaker 5: I was like, not really, but I will be.
Speaker 1: Then if they want to sort of know more help
Speaker 1: more than I was like, then I say it. But
Speaker 1: something my partner actually says to me, She's like, I'm
Speaker 1: sick of having to wait to prompt you. But for me,
Speaker 1: it's like that's just how I've always coped that. It's
Speaker 1: like I've always been internal and trying to deal with
Speaker 1: things on my own. That it's like, well, I'll tell
Speaker 1: you what it is you want to know, whereas now
Speaker 1: it's like I'm trying to do that slightly differently that
Speaker 1: it's like, well, be a bit more open about it.
Speaker 4: When you speak of the journaling when it was at
Speaker 4: its worst, what was some of the things that you
Speaker 4: were saying to yourself.
Speaker 1: There was times when I said I was worthless or
Speaker 1: that I felt worthless anyway, that is cricket for me,
Speaker 1: Are you doing the right thing? I really don't want
Speaker 1: to be here, And by here, it wasn't I don't
Speaker 1: want to be here on the earth, it was I
Speaker 1: don't want to be here in this situation. Like when
Speaker 1: I was going through knee issues as well, it was like, well,
Speaker 1: you're not fit enough. Yeah, there was so much negative
Speaker 1: talk that was going on, and whenever I was told that, oh,
Speaker 1: you're valuable to us, I never believed it.
Speaker 5: I was like, well, prove it so many things.
Speaker 4: Yeah, are you better now with that sort of sof
Speaker 4: talk or do you still have your moments as well?
Speaker 5: Oh? I think like most humans, you still have your moments.
Speaker 1: But I think I'm much better at catching myself now
Speaker 1: and redirecting thoughts, because that was another big thing for
Speaker 1: me that it was why I was feeling like I
Speaker 1: had no energy for so long, was because I was
Speaker 1: constantly fighting certain thoughts or emotions as opposed to just
Speaker 1: accepting that they were there and trying to redirect to
Speaker 1: something more positive. It's sort of just because I felt
Speaker 1: a certain way didn't mean I had to act a
Speaker 1: certain way, And that was a big thing for me.
Speaker 1: That was sort of, well, Okay, I feel angry or whatever,
Speaker 1: but I'm not going to punch a wall. I feel angry,
Speaker 1: but it's like I can channel that into writing words
Speaker 1: on paper, and then I've processed it.
Speaker 5: I've got it out.
Speaker 1: Whether I believed what I was writing or not was
Speaker 1: irrelevant at different points. It's just that was the outlet
Speaker 1: that was the positive outlet.
Speaker 4: That makes a lot of sense. Tell me about the
Speaker 4: photos that you take on to her now.
Speaker 1: Yes, I've printed some photos of both ones. Of like
Speaker 1: my family, my dog ALFI ones with my partner and
Speaker 1: I put them on the wall in whatever hotel room
Speaker 1: I'm in. There's probably only a handful of maybe eight
Speaker 1: or so, but they're a constant reminder for me of
Speaker 1: things that I have outside of cricket, or things that
Speaker 1: I have that are at home that aren't physically with.
Speaker 5: Me in that moment.
Speaker 1: And I only have one specific sort of cricket related one,
Speaker 1: which isn't really cricket related, but it was after we
Speaker 1: won the T twenty final in Melbourne when we were
Speaker 1: all dancing on.
Speaker 5: Stage with Katie Perry.
Speaker 1: So that's the only sort of cricket related one I
Speaker 1: guess I have, but it's still something that reminds me
Speaker 1: of all the amazing things that I've sort of experienced
Speaker 1: or doesn't matter what the lows I had, that this
Speaker 1: is how I came through the other side.
Speaker 4: That was a pretty cool moment.
Speaker 5: It was amazing.
Speaker 1: I did remember actually saying to my partner because she
Speaker 1: was down there with my family as well, and I
Speaker 1: said to her when we came into the change rooms after,
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm sorry, babe, but I don't think
Speaker 1: our wedding day is going to top this, and I mean,
Speaker 1: I think I jinxed it because we've postponed twice now
Speaker 1: that we're still waiting.
Speaker 4: Waiting for Katy Perry to come see exactly.
Speaker 5: She's not sing at the wedding now. She laughed and
Speaker 5: she's like, yeah, that's fair.
Speaker 4: I videoed you girls on stage that night and so
Speaker 4: doing the worm and things like that, and I think
Speaker 4: that video has got more views than anything I've ever
Speaker 4: done as a journalist.
Speaker 5: We were like little school girls.
Speaker 4: It was.
Speaker 1: It was so bizarre that you had all these mid
Speaker 1: twenties year old girls and we just behave like we
Speaker 1: were five year olds again. It was so good and yeah,
Speaker 1: it's a memory that will live with me forever.
Speaker 4: You're listening to ordinarily speaking with Jess Jonathon In. Amongst
Speaker 4: everything that you've already spoken about before, that West Indies
Speaker 4: tour was also the time that you were coming to
Speaker 4: grips with your dad's diagnosis. Tell me a little bit
Speaker 4: about that and how you found out about that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, a number of years ago Dad was diagnosed with
Speaker 1: lung cancer and we were all very shocked by it
Speaker 1: because sort of he was a non smoker. He was
Speaker 1: a fit, healthy guy. There was no sort of precursor
Speaker 1: as to why he should have got that diagnosis, and
Speaker 1: he'd actually had this prior to him going and getting
Speaker 1: checked out. He'd had this sort of persistent little cough
Speaker 1: for like months and months. It was so annoying that
Speaker 1: we were like, seriously, go to the doctor and go
Speaker 1: and get checked out. But he was never, Like I said,
Speaker 1: he never wanted to put anyone out and he always
Speaker 1: question because he before he was a teacher, he worked
Speaker 1: in the health system, and he was like, nah, don't
Speaker 1: don't believe in it sort of thing, like they're wasting
Speaker 1: my money, and.
Speaker 5: Probably like a typical middle aged country mail that it's like, nah,
Speaker 5: she'll be right.
Speaker 4: We can both say that because we both come.
Speaker 1: From the countruly, so yeah, it's sort of It took
Speaker 1: him a long time before he got checked out, whether
Speaker 1: it was the matter that he was scared of what
Speaker 1: it might have been, or whether it was what he
Speaker 1: was telling us that nah, she'll be right sort of thing.
Speaker 1: I'll do all this other stuff to get it fixed,
Speaker 1: but none of it was working. So We're in the
Speaker 1: middle of one of our WBBL seasons and I remember
Speaker 1: getting a message from Mum being like oh, can we FaceTime?
Speaker 1: You make sure Sarah's their sort of thing as well.
Speaker 1: I was like okay, like, oh, I wonder what this is.
Speaker 1: And I got on FaceTime and the rest of my
Speaker 1: family were there, and I was like, what's happening here?
Speaker 1: And Dad then went to tell us what the diagnosis was,
Speaker 1: that he had cancer, and he couldn't actually get it out.
Speaker 1: He just it was probably one of the first times
Speaker 1: I'd seen him cry, and my whole family was just
Speaker 1: in tears at the time. And I remember I didn't cry,
Speaker 1: like I didn't know what to believe and I didn't
Speaker 1: know what to feel that. I was just like, well, okay,
Speaker 1: what's what now, Like what's next sort of thing, thinking
Speaker 1: that it wasn't something that was Yeah, it was cancer,
Speaker 1: like nobody wants to hear that word. But I was like,
Speaker 1: it's my dad, Like he's strong, he'll he'll fight it, it'll
Speaker 1: be fine. But then they said the extent that it
Speaker 1: was at it was, I think they said it was
Speaker 1: either stage three or stage four by that point, and
Speaker 1: I was just like knowing that then that meant that
Speaker 1: stage three or four lung cancer, that was maligue, that
Speaker 1: means it's fatal. That was like, okay, but what's the
Speaker 1: like still, what's next? Like how can we prolong this?
Speaker 1: Like we want old age to kill him, not cancer
Speaker 1: to kill him sort of thing. That. Yeah, it was
Speaker 1: a very very hard thing to take, and I think
Speaker 1: I was in well, I know I was in denial
Speaker 1: for a large part of those last four last few
Speaker 1: years from from hearing that what did your dad mean?
Speaker 4: To what was he like as a bloke?
Speaker 5: He was He was a bit of a hard ass
Speaker 5: in a way.
Speaker 1: I think for him, like with his upbringing and how
Speaker 1: he was brought up, how he was made a lot
Speaker 1: of sense that he was made to work for every
Speaker 1: little thing that he got. He loved us, and we
Speaker 1: all knew that how much he loved us, But he
Speaker 1: was never the most affectionate per and I think at
Speaker 1: times like he sort of he sent messages or wrote
Speaker 1: letters sort of like closer to sort of when he
Speaker 1: passed it, it was almost like he regretted not giving
Speaker 1: us more hugs or telling us how much he loved us.
Speaker 1: And I just remember saying to him that it's like
Speaker 1: you didn't need to do all that.
Speaker 5: I just knew.
Speaker 1: So it's like he would constantly when I was first
Speaker 1: playing cricket. We would go down to the local nets
Speaker 1: for like on three hours. I would bat for probably
Speaker 1: an hour of that. At the start, he would bowl
Speaker 1: every type of delivery, and then he would bat so
Speaker 1: I could bowl, and then he'd bowl again. And not
Speaker 1: once did he complain about that. He loved it, probably
Speaker 1: more than I did at different times, and he would
Speaker 1: get up early and take me to the gym. He
Speaker 1: would take my sisters to swimming carnivals. He took some
Speaker 1: jobs overseas so he could earn some more money for us,
Speaker 1: for us to do sport, or us to live a
Speaker 1: good life. Like we weren't rich, but I see as
Speaker 1: as we were wealthy. We were wealthy with his love,
Speaker 1: with their support, and with experiences that I remember sort of.
Speaker 1: Not long after he passed, I just felt, or even
Speaker 1: a little bit before, I felt a bit robbed in
Speaker 1: a way of time with him, in the sense that
Speaker 1: I was the only one out of my family that
Speaker 1: wasn't still living up at home. I didn't get to
Speaker 1: spend that time with him in my teenage years or
Speaker 1: my early twenties that could go and do things with
Speaker 1: him or have the conversations with him that you meant
Speaker 1: to have with your dad. But at the same time,
Speaker 1: I was like, well, I got all that extra time
Speaker 1: when I was younger at the cricket nets or learning
Speaker 1: to drive. He'd specifically take coaching jobs in teams I
Speaker 1: was a part of so he could come away. So
Speaker 1: it's things like that that I was like, Oh, I
Speaker 1: actually did get to spend that time with him, but yeah,
Speaker 1: it's sort of yeah, I miss him every day.
Speaker 4: Was a biggest fan and critic as a.
Speaker 5: Without a doubt.
Speaker 1: I've actually I've described him as that exactly.
Speaker 4: That he was.
Speaker 1: Always, yeah, my biggest supporter, but my fiercest critic. Some
Speaker 1: of the messages I would get after games, it was
Speaker 1: so funny that, even to the point now my mum
Speaker 1: tries to send some that is like this is your
Speaker 1: father speaking ahh. But I think when he passed that
Speaker 1: was one thing I probably had missed the most, was
Speaker 1: the messages postgame analyzing either the game or my performance.
Speaker 1: It's those little things that, yeah, I miss all the time.
Speaker 4: Leaves a hole.
Speaker 1: It's a massive hole, like I always feel like they'll
Speaker 1: be there, will always be a part of me that
Speaker 1: will feel broken because he's not around.
Speaker 4: What do you do now to make sure that you
Speaker 4: remember him each game.
Speaker 1: Every time I step out on the cricket field, I
Speaker 1: wear a pair of ladybug socks because for some reason,
Speaker 1: he loved ladybugs and whenever he wrote messages, he would
Speaker 1: always put a mountain of emojis in there, and a
Speaker 1: lot of them never made any sense as to what
Speaker 1: he'd just said.
Speaker 4: He just he showed his emotions exactly.
Speaker 1: But it's like some of the stuff he put in
Speaker 1: there was so bizarre, but without fail, there was always
Speaker 1: a ladybug in there. So one of my sisters actually
Speaker 1: bought all of us a pair of ladybug socks.
Speaker 5: To remember him by.
Speaker 1: But yeah, she gave me her pair because she's like,
Speaker 1: I know that you wear these every time, so here's
Speaker 1: another pair so that you don't wear this one out.
Speaker 1: And it's a little nod to him when I'm out
Speaker 1: in the field that he's always out there with me.
Speaker 1: And whenever we play a night game as well. One
Speaker 1: thing we said to my young niece and nephew was
Speaker 1: that if you ever miss data, like he's the brightest
Speaker 1: star up in the sky, and whenever we play a
Speaker 1: night game, I always look up to try and find
Speaker 1: where that star is and city. If I take a
Speaker 1: wicked I always look up and give a little nod
Speaker 1: to it.
Speaker 5: Yeah, to feel and know that he's there still watching.
Speaker 5: That's beautiful.
Speaker 4: Banging away and now the parrots are going as well.
Speaker 4: They love to share a moment in hindsight, How amazing
Speaker 4: is it that he got to be there at that
Speaker 4: twenty twenty mcg and watch his little girl, you know,
Speaker 4: this big tough country dude watch his little girl in
Speaker 4: front of a packed mcg living air dream. How special
Speaker 4: was that?
Speaker 1: It was probably one of my greatest highlights, I think,
Speaker 1: knowing that that was his last live game of cricket,
Speaker 1: that he watched me play. Yeah, and that's actually one
Speaker 1: of the photo I also have up on my wall,
Speaker 1: so I lied, there are two cricket related ones, but
Speaker 1: still has my family in it.
Speaker 2: That.
Speaker 1: Yeah, how happy and how much pride he had. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's so special that he was there and he got
Speaker 1: to experience it with the rest of the family as well,
Speaker 1: and my little niece and nephew. There's a photo of
Speaker 1: them holding the trophy at one point as well.
Speaker 4: And what did he say to you when you walked
Speaker 4: off the field that day.
Speaker 5: He gave me a hug and he just said he's
Speaker 5: so proud of me.
Speaker 1: It was so crazy that, like, I'd never had so
Speaker 1: many people, or never been in a change room with
Speaker 1: so many people, but all I wanted to do was
Speaker 1: just to send with them and share that moment with them.
Speaker 1: So we were quite happy just sitting off in the
Speaker 1: corner of the change room while everyone else was mingling
Speaker 1: and all and around, like I just wanted to share
Speaker 1: that with them.
Speaker 4: That's pretty cool. The day that he passed, what do
Speaker 4: you remember from that day?
Speaker 1: Well, sort of the few months leading up to it,
Speaker 1: I was sort of going either flying up or or
Speaker 1: driving up and back so to try and spend whatever
Speaker 1: time I could that he had left. But that day specifically,
Speaker 1: I remember I woke up to my partner sort of
Speaker 1: over me, sort of shaking me to wake.
Speaker 5: Up, and I was like, what's going on? And she'd
Speaker 5: just come back from the gym.
Speaker 1: I'd had a miscall from my mum, but so mum
Speaker 1: had been called Sarah and she said, oh, you need
Speaker 1: to call your mom and I was like, okay, like
Speaker 1: why and then I rang mum and she said, look,
Speaker 1: Dad's taken a turn overnight. We're not sure how much
Speaker 1: longer he sort of has left, And I said, right, well,
Speaker 1: we'll be on the road in an hour, because at
Speaker 1: that time, like we couldn't put Alfie into kennels or anything.
Speaker 1: We couldn't get like a flight. Sort of last minute
Speaker 1: timing wise didn't work out. And yeah, so then we
Speaker 1: drove up to Rocky, which was like a seven eight
Speaker 1: hour drive. One of my sisters was sort of messaging
Speaker 1: me quite frequently throughout the day just to check or
Speaker 1: where are you?
Speaker 5: How far away are you?
Speaker 1: And I remember we pulled into the hospital car park,
Speaker 1: but then my two sisters and mum were out there
Speaker 1: waiting and I went to get out and they said
Speaker 1: stay seated, and I was like why and they said, oh,
Speaker 1: Dad's gone. He's passed away about half an hour ago.
Speaker 1: So yeah, to know that he knew that we were coming,
Speaker 1: I think that was something.
Speaker 5: That I sort of took.
Speaker 1: Like the fact that I didn't make it on time,
Speaker 1: but the fact that he knew we were on our way,
Speaker 1: that we were trying to get to him.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I can sort of live with that.
Speaker 1: But my sister said he also probably knew that because
Speaker 1: I'd said to my sister that I don't know if
Speaker 1: I can be in the room when he passes, because
Speaker 1: I don't know how I would.
Speaker 5: Survive.
Speaker 1: And my sister said to me that Dad must have known,
Speaker 1: because he must have known that I didn't want to
Speaker 1: be in the room, or that I couldn't have been
Speaker 1: in the room.
Speaker 5: So he saved me from that.
Speaker 1: And I mean, the man's timing was impeccable in the
Speaker 1: sense that that day was it would have been his
Speaker 1: fortieth and through being in the workforce, it would have
Speaker 1: been the same day that of his mum's birthday. It
Speaker 1: was also the time he passed was at three forty five.
Speaker 1: And when he was a teacher, he always did afternoon
Speaker 1: bus Judy, and that was always when they knocked off,
Speaker 1: so he clocked off for one more time.
Speaker 2: That's really beautiful, You're right, yeah, it's just.
Speaker 5: Miss him every day.
Speaker 4: He'd be so bloody proud of you. You know that, right?
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, all right, I need to go now.
Speaker 4: Oh dear, So you remember him with the ladybugs. What
Speaker 4: would it mean to win a World Cup wearing those
Speaker 4: ladybug socks?
Speaker 1: I think it would mean the absolute world, not just
Speaker 1: for me, but for the rest of our family as well.
Speaker 1: I think, knowing obviously that the last game that he
Speaker 1: saw of me live was a World Cup final, to
Speaker 1: have him experience it in that way, it would be
Speaker 1: super special.
Speaker 4: Just watching on from he'd just be kicking back.
Speaker 1: He probably would have got all the non cricket watchers
Speaker 1: up there tuning in.
Speaker 5: Knowing him, although he was a very nervous watcher. So
Speaker 5: I'm not sure.
Speaker 1: Back in the day before it was cricket on TV
Speaker 1: and it was just the written ball by ball commentary,
Speaker 1: the poor man couldn't even sit still. He'd be pacing
Speaker 1: through the house. And yeah, Mum would say he was
Speaker 1: a pain to watch with. He would always commentate. He
Speaker 1: would always do this. She's like, just watch it ray.
Speaker 1: So yeah, I'm not sure how he'd be going upstairs.
Speaker 4: Before I let you go, I want to ask you.
Speaker 4: You've mentioned her throughout this entire chart, but your partner, Sarah,
Speaker 4: your du to get married at some point when this
Speaker 4: damn pandemic allows it. What does she meant to you
Speaker 4: given everything that you've just spoken about, Because she's been
Speaker 4: there to figuratively and literally hold your hand throughout the
Speaker 4: whole ordeal.
Speaker 1: She's my rock, my savior in a lot of ways.
Speaker 1: And look, I probably don't tell her enough.
Speaker 5: How much.
Speaker 1: She's done for me and how much she means to me. Yeah,
Speaker 1: more than anyone she's She's been there through it all
Speaker 1: and quite often as well, when like she's had to
Speaker 1: hold the ford at home while I've been on the
Speaker 1: road living a dream basically like, yeah, I've had my
Speaker 1: struggles and my challenges, but knowing that she's always there
Speaker 1: on the other end makes it all worth it.
Speaker 4: Well, now she has it on the record, she.
Speaker 1: Does, and then I guarantee when I retire, she'd be like,
Speaker 1: can you come out of retirement already?
Speaker 4: Can you go back and play? Seeing too much of
Speaker 4: you now?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 5: Yeah. When I was injured and missed a recent series, she's.
Speaker 2: Like, when are you going again?
Speaker 5: Which is exactly what my mum said to my dad
Speaker 5: a few times. So it's like, well, great, this is awesome.
Speaker 1: We've built a life together and we're building a house. Now,
Speaker 1: we've got our dog, we're going to get another one.
Speaker 1: So it's like we've got our our life set up
Speaker 1: and I can't wait to when my time comes put
Speaker 1: up the boots in the cricket field that I can't
Speaker 1: wait to spend more time with her.
Speaker 4: Are you going to have lady bugs at the wedding?
Speaker 5: Probably?
Speaker 1: Yeah, there'll be a nod in some capacity, that's for sure.
Speaker 4: Jess. Thanks so much for everything you've shared, for being
Speaker 4: as honest and as open as you have, and for
Speaker 4: all the highlights that you've provided all lust cricket fans
Speaker 4: for so many years. And I'm sure there's still plenty
Speaker 4: more to come. I know you're going to help a
Speaker 4: lot of people with what you've shared today by being
Speaker 4: as open. So thank you very much for doing it
Speaker 4: with me.
Speaker 5: No, thanks for chatting with me, Thanks for giving me
Speaker 5: the opportunity.
Speaker 4: Time, Thanks for listening to this episode of ordinarily speaking,
Speaker 4: This episode is released almost two years to the day
Speaker 4: since that magical afternoon at the MCG. The memory still
Speaker 4: gives me goosebumps. What it meant to women in Australia
Speaker 4: and all around the world, and as we now know,
Speaker 4: one of the last major sporting events before the world changed.
Speaker 4: Make sure you support the girls at this World Cup
Speaker 4: in New Zealand. They're helping to change the world for
Speaker 4: every sports loving little girl.