WEBVTT - How Do You Avoid The Therapist Zone In A Friendship? 🧑🏼‍🤝‍🧑🏻 0:00:00.760 --> 0:00:06.560 The Flex and Rooms Daily Podcast brought Ah, that is 0:00:06.600 --> 0:00:09.120 the sound of me unwinding. We're sitting on these chairs 0:00:09.200 --> 0:00:12.959 and my ass is so fucking numb stiff. Queen's me too, 0:00:13.280 --> 0:00:15.960 literally my bum it's like her to feel the bones 0:00:16.200 --> 0:00:18.680 hitting the like. What's it called? Is this a ball 0:00:18.760 --> 0:00:22.320 chade chair? Boukley? Bou clay? Is how you pronounce it? Yeah, 0:00:22.920 --> 0:00:24.800 I don't know if I'm into bookclay chairs kind of 0:00:24.800 --> 0:00:28.000 remumd me of like a tweed jacket, yeah, mix with 0:00:28.080 --> 0:00:32.400 the sheep. Okay, that's got matted hair anyway. 0:00:32.920 --> 0:00:35.879 Talking about how you avoid the therapist zone and a friendship, 0:00:36.080 --> 0:00:38.519 it starts off being really flattering. 0:00:38.120 --> 0:00:40.600 And validating and exciting. 0:00:40.159 --> 0:00:43.880 Because how can you amazing person need my advice in 0:00:43.960 --> 0:00:47.120 this really unique situation, And eventually you find that whenever 0:00:47.159 --> 0:00:50.040 they call you it's to vent and tarant and when 0:00:50.080 --> 0:00:52.360 to the lasting we had a conversation about something fun 0:00:52.600 --> 0:00:55.160 or even about you and what you're going through, and 0:00:55.200 --> 0:00:56.600 then before you know it, you've in a weird place 0:00:56.640 --> 0:00:58.279 because to say that you don't want to help out 0:00:58.280 --> 0:01:02.040 anymore seems incredibly self and then to ask for, you know, 0:01:02.200 --> 0:01:04.880 to be seen or to be heard seems incredibly weird 0:01:05.520 --> 0:01:08.400 and needy, and they probably just end up like distancing 0:01:08.440 --> 0:01:09.840 yourself from your friend and that's not fun at all. 0:01:09.959 --> 0:01:13.240 So we'll not discussed our experiences of being the therapist 0:01:13.400 --> 0:01:15.400 and the friend who is in need of a therapist, 0:01:15.520 --> 0:01:17.440 and then our solutions to get out of that zone. 0:01:18.560 --> 0:01:20.480 And I do want to make sure flex that we 0:01:20.560 --> 0:01:24.920 don't become the what's it called the therapist? You know, 0:01:25.000 --> 0:01:27.520 we get hand calling in and saying, my boyfriend did 0:01:27.560 --> 0:01:29.160 a big chin, took a photo and send it to me. 0:01:29.959 --> 0:01:31.720 Do we really want to be helping out those kind 0:01:31.720 --> 0:01:32.200 of heathens. 0:01:32.280 --> 0:01:33.920 That's why I keep it light and facetious. Now, there 0:01:34.000 --> 0:01:35.240 was a time in the intent I took it really 0:01:35.280 --> 0:01:36.960 seriously and before you know, I'm giving away three hours 0:01:36.959 --> 0:01:39.280 of my night helping some random person some random issue 0:01:39.319 --> 0:01:41.119 that I don't care about really in my heart of hearts. 0:01:41.160 --> 0:01:43.000 But I feel like I've got a responsibility to not 0:01:43.120 --> 0:01:45.360 do it anymore. Yeah, everything's a life. 0:01:45.400 --> 0:01:47.800 Keep the dms. Unless it's a meme, I'm just gonna 0:01:47.800 --> 0:01:50.520 double tap the meme. Yeah, anything knowledge, Nah, But I 0:01:50.640 --> 0:01:53.240 honestly do send us some content to talk about. 0:01:54.200 --> 0:01:56.360 Before we jump into the episode. Someone sent me a message, 0:01:56.360 --> 0:01:58.480 and they were like, oh, it was broadly about like 0:01:58.720 --> 0:02:01.160 I have a friend and like they've done something that 0:02:01.200 --> 0:02:03.320 could be perceived as racist, but I don't know, and 0:02:03.400 --> 0:02:04.880 I really want you and Frooms to talk about it. 0:02:04.880 --> 0:02:07.160 And I was like, I don't talk to non black 0:02:07.200 --> 0:02:09.679 people about race anymore. But ask Rooms. Did they ask you? 0:02:10.360 --> 0:02:10.560 Yes? 0:02:11.160 --> 0:02:11.680 Did you reply? 0:02:12.919 --> 0:02:15.720 Will you double taptom? I read it? 0:02:17.160 --> 0:02:18.000 No, I read it. 0:02:18.240 --> 0:02:21.639 I read it, I read it acknowledged. But it's not 0:02:21.720 --> 0:02:24.880 my business right now. I got to get out of 0:02:24.960 --> 0:02:28.519 jail free card. Not interested at the minute. There'll be 0:02:28.600 --> 0:02:31.360 a time. But yeah, I can definitely come from her 0:02:31.440 --> 0:02:33.280 point of view, but I'm not sure if I want 0:02:33.280 --> 0:02:34.239 to embroil myself on that. 0:02:34.600 --> 0:02:36.040 Yeah, and on me, I'm like, I'm not everyone's I 0:02:36.080 --> 0:02:38.160 can't be the internet's token black friend. I'm so sorry. 0:02:39.080 --> 0:02:42.799 I like, it cannot extend to you. Figure it out. Also, 0:02:42.840 --> 0:02:44.720 get in the trenches a little bit, make a few blunders, 0:02:44.880 --> 0:02:46.800 you know, try something out, see how it lands, and then, 0:02:46.800 --> 0:02:48.280 if you know, learn from your mistakes. 0:02:48.600 --> 0:02:49.639 I'm definitely in that camp. 0:02:49.800 --> 0:02:53.799 Anyway, let's get into it, flex and I have some 0:02:54.639 --> 0:02:56.720 information for you that's going to change your life. And 0:02:56.800 --> 0:03:00.280 I found this because I was on korra. Have you 0:03:00.360 --> 0:03:04.320 used core? Obsessed with quor you post questions to the 0:03:04.360 --> 0:03:06.720 broader community and they answer it for you. And this 0:03:06.960 --> 0:03:09.239 particular was what's one thing you could learn today that 0:03:09.280 --> 0:03:13.160 could change your life positively instantly? And this was in 0:03:13.240 --> 0:03:15.600 the thread all the way down in the dregs, and 0:03:15.720 --> 0:03:17.400 it was how to get people to do stuff for you? 0:03:17.960 --> 0:03:20.120 Which I thought you'd just ask, but apparently that's not. 0:03:20.600 --> 0:03:22.919 That doesn't work very often. I can't relate. But here 0:03:22.960 --> 0:03:25.200 are three tips, and I want you to tell me 0:03:25.240 --> 0:03:27.959 if these would work on you. The first thing to 0:03:28.040 --> 0:03:30.639 do is to nod as you ask. Our brains of 0:03:30.720 --> 0:03:33.480 what are called mirror neutrons, which activate to make us 0:03:33.600 --> 0:03:37.320 mimic other people's actions. Sometimes they will also start to nod, 0:03:37.400 --> 0:03:40.600 which then makes them then agree with you. This person 0:03:40.720 --> 0:03:44.080 learned the mirror neurons part in cych class. Then the 0:03:44.200 --> 0:03:47.320 nodding part worked when they've worked in sales. 0:03:47.800 --> 0:03:50.200 It's legit. So how would you do that without it? 0:03:50.280 --> 0:03:53.480 Sounds so I'd be like, I'm really thirsty, do you 0:03:53.520 --> 0:03:54.640 want to get some drinks later? 0:03:54.760 --> 0:03:55.680 On? Not? 0:03:55.920 --> 0:03:58.760 No, no, not not not not not not very Now 0:03:58.800 --> 0:04:01.880 you're nodding yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. This is the next one. 0:04:02.280 --> 0:04:05.200 If you have a big favor to ask someone, start 0:04:05.280 --> 0:04:08.480 by asking smaller ones ahead of time. This will take 0:04:08.520 --> 0:04:10.480 some planning, and if you're like me, I'm only recently 0:04:10.560 --> 0:04:12.360 learning how to ask people for stuff, don't know it 0:04:12.400 --> 0:04:14.160 for the last two years. It's very painful, but I'm 0:04:14.160 --> 0:04:16.360 getting used to it. This is called the foot in 0:04:16.480 --> 0:04:19.920 the door phenomenon. If you ask for small things then 0:04:20.000 --> 0:04:22.760 work up to big things, people are more likely to 0:04:22.800 --> 0:04:25.400 say yes than if you start off with a huge favor. 0:04:26.520 --> 0:04:28.919 So like, can you like pass me that iPad? 0:04:29.720 --> 0:04:29.920 Do that? 0:04:31.040 --> 0:04:33.600 Do you want to go? I mean it kind of 0:04:33.640 --> 0:04:36.400 works out right because you create this mutual space of 0:04:36.440 --> 0:04:38.560 rapport where it's like, oh, we were friends, we do 0:04:38.640 --> 0:04:40.560 stuff for each other, like oh, do you have flip bombki? 0:04:40.560 --> 0:04:40.920 I borrow it? 0:04:41.120 --> 0:04:42.000 Yeah, of course, thank you. 0:04:42.279 --> 0:04:44.159 You're more primed for the bigger question. 0:04:44.320 --> 0:04:47.120 And priming is a real thing as well. Do you 0:04:47.160 --> 0:04:50.480 know about priming? And the third thing is if you're 0:04:50.520 --> 0:04:53.880 asking for a small favor but still know that they'll 0:04:53.920 --> 0:04:57.240 probably say no, start by asking for a huge favor. 0:04:57.839 --> 0:04:59.880 Then when they say no, ask for the smaller one. 0:05:00.200 --> 0:05:01.240 They're more likely to say. 0:05:01.160 --> 0:05:05.920 Yes, yes, classic sales technique and classic negotiation technique. Is 0:05:05.960 --> 0:05:06.320 it really? 0:05:06.680 --> 0:05:06.880 Yeah? 0:05:07.240 --> 0:05:10.960 You, when you're like negotiating with somebody, you ask for 0:05:11.040 --> 0:05:12.920 the most amount of money. Oh, yes, so you know 0:05:12.960 --> 0:05:15.640 that's gonna give you. Classic For example, I'm about to 0:05:15.680 --> 0:05:16.200 buy a chair. 0:05:16.720 --> 0:05:17.560 You're gonna buy the chair. 0:05:17.560 --> 0:05:18.800 I'm gonna buy the chair for me. 0:05:18.800 --> 0:05:20.640 Told me about this chair that she's been eyeing off 0:05:20.680 --> 0:05:22.800 four years and years, five years and five years. And 0:05:22.880 --> 0:05:25.880 it's this blue velvet chair with blue fringing hanging off it. 0:05:27.160 --> 0:05:30.280 I won't say hanging. It's like drape delicately, delicately and beautifully. 0:05:30.320 --> 0:05:36.120 It's really ornate and lovely, and it's very expensive. 0:05:35.720 --> 0:05:37.440 Very extensive. I go into the shop, I said, I'll 0:05:37.440 --> 0:05:39.480 give you X amount of money, and he said, I'll 0:05:39.520 --> 0:05:41.200 give it to you for this less amount of money. 0:05:41.640 --> 0:05:43.800 And then I think, shit, should have I asked for 0:05:43.960 --> 0:05:47.160 even less. And that's the negotiation trick. Always asked for 0:05:47.200 --> 0:05:49.440 the bare minimum. They might laugh at you, but just 0:05:49.520 --> 0:05:52.080 cop the shame that you feel. It works for most 0:05:52.240 --> 0:05:55.080 flex and frooms. I'm just gonna cut straight to the chase. 0:05:55.240 --> 0:05:56.320 I want a chihuahua. 0:05:56.760 --> 0:06:01.000 Yeah, and one one's so literally no, we can't change 0:06:01.000 --> 0:06:02.360 our lifestyles. 0:06:01.800 --> 0:06:05.040 Though, right, because something that I don't realize when I 0:06:05.120 --> 0:06:07.719 look at the chua wars online is that they pooh, 0:06:08.240 --> 0:06:10.400 they eat, they do, and they need to go outside 0:06:10.400 --> 0:06:11.880 for walks and they have to be trained. 0:06:12.520 --> 0:06:14.200 Yeah, if you get an old one, you'd hope that 0:06:14.240 --> 0:06:16.920 the last person's on that a number on them, but 0:06:17.200 --> 0:06:17.760 you can never know. 0:06:18.080 --> 0:06:22.520 They can be misleading the ad So I started putting 0:06:22.560 --> 0:06:25.560 chuahas on my Instagram story, trying to manifest them, making 0:06:25.640 --> 0:06:27.600 clear that I want them, trying to get people to 0:06:27.680 --> 0:06:29.920 send in like where to find dogs. I put it 0:06:30.000 --> 0:06:31.720 on my story saying I really want a Chuaba. There's 0:06:31.760 --> 0:06:35.360 this girl in Melbourne called Spy Spicy Taco Bell on TikTok. 0:06:35.640 --> 0:06:38.920 She's really cool and she has this chiuaha called Fletcher. 0:06:39.320 --> 0:06:42.360 I'm absolutely obsessed. He looks like the perfect dog. And 0:06:42.440 --> 0:06:44.160 so I put on my story guys, I really want 0:06:44.160 --> 0:06:48.240 to Fletcher, and this man dms me saying dogs, you 0:06:48.360 --> 0:06:50.600 need to adopt a dog. Dogs are not a fashion statement, 0:06:51.360 --> 0:06:55.240 to which I said nothing because what am I going 0:06:55.279 --> 0:06:57.640 to reply to that? But then I wrote my story. 0:06:57.680 --> 0:07:00.559 You know, Fletcher was actually adopted. So the dog Spice 0:07:00.640 --> 0:07:03.159 tager Bell has Fletcher. He was found on gum tree 0:07:03.800 --> 0:07:06.480 and something that I think people should know. Also, you 0:07:06.640 --> 0:07:09.000 shouldn't have to adopt a dog because the minute the 0:07:09.040 --> 0:07:11.560 dogs are born, someone's gonna buy them. That's essentially adopting 0:07:11.600 --> 0:07:15.320 it for a high fee, you know. Yeah, I don't 0:07:15.320 --> 0:07:18.200 want to be dog shamed. No, you can get dogs 0:07:18.480 --> 0:07:22.240 on gum tree. I'm sussed on that, but yeah, but 0:07:22.400 --> 0:07:24.480 if you want to get a reputable dog, you can 0:07:24.600 --> 0:07:26.960 get a dog from dogs online. That's with a Z 0:07:27.520 --> 0:07:30.280 dot com dot a U. They have puppies, they have 0:07:30.560 --> 0:07:34.160 dogs for adoption and more mature dogs and they're all 0:07:34.960 --> 0:07:39.400 vet like what's it called. They got the chick of approval. Great, yeah, 0:07:39.440 --> 0:07:42.920 like there approved reputable Will you get one for sure? 0:07:43.120 --> 0:07:45.120 I'm still looking so as everyone knows, I'm going to 0:07:45.200 --> 0:07:48.840 Europe in September. After that I will look into it 0:07:48.960 --> 0:07:49.920 further to. 0:07:50.080 --> 0:07:52.680 Like scale of one to ten, ten being I'm definitely 0:07:52.720 --> 0:07:53.240 getting a dog. 0:07:53.520 --> 0:07:59.520 Five. Yeah, so sad. This is flex and frooms on cater. 0:07:59.560 --> 0:08:03.200 Most of I could say most have aspirations or fantasies 0:08:03.520 --> 0:08:06.120 of moving away to a new city, a far away 0:08:06.240 --> 0:08:09.920 land and starting off fresh. Would you take ten k 0:08:10.560 --> 0:08:14.040 to move somewhere else. Before you answer that, listen to this. 0:08:14.680 --> 0:08:17.520 So we all know that the pandemic broadly caused like 0:08:17.680 --> 0:08:21.200 this remote work exodus, where a bunch of people recognize 0:08:21.200 --> 0:08:23.120 that living in a major city had less appeal where 0:08:23.120 --> 0:08:25.480 you couldn't leave the house and do stuff, and because 0:08:25.480 --> 0:08:27.760 a lot of work was being done online, it meant 0:08:27.800 --> 0:08:29.720 that you could do it from anywhere really, so it 0:08:29.880 --> 0:08:32.880 was out of the major cities and into regional or 0:08:32.960 --> 0:08:35.360 remote areas for like a change of pace, the change 0:08:35.400 --> 0:08:36.760 of scenery. And I've thought about it. Do you think 0:08:36.800 --> 0:08:37.079 about it? 0:08:37.600 --> 0:08:37.640 No? 0:08:38.240 --> 0:08:40.280 Oh yeah, I fully thought about it, brought a house 0:08:40.280 --> 0:08:42.880 in Hobart, and then when lockdown ended, I was like, 0:08:42.880 --> 0:08:46.080 I'm not ready to go. No, no, I don't think 0:08:46.720 --> 0:08:48.600 I can't handle the pressure. I can't go right now. 0:08:50.200 --> 0:08:52.600 So it happened. But in America in particular, there are 0:08:52.640 --> 0:08:57.319 these online marketplaces now offering incentive programs to lure remote 0:08:57.320 --> 0:09:01.520 workers into their cities. In particular, there's this website called 0:09:01.679 --> 0:09:05.199 make My Move. So basically what it does is any 0:09:05.360 --> 0:09:08.960 kind of state, Let's say tulsa major city for example, 0:09:09.360 --> 0:09:11.439 is that Oklahoma? For example, it was only of the 0:09:11.480 --> 0:09:13.959 major cities that had issues of people leaving in favor 0:09:13.960 --> 0:09:16.480 of going to quieter places for a quieter and less 0:09:16.520 --> 0:09:21.040 expensive life. Now they started offering cash incentives of ten 0:09:21.160 --> 0:09:24.200 thousand dollars to anybody who would move there and start 0:09:24.280 --> 0:09:27.560 doing remote work there. Stimately the economy get people buying 0:09:27.600 --> 0:09:30.559 coffees and croissant at local bakeries, you know, to avoid 0:09:30.600 --> 0:09:33.000 the city looking looking like a ghost town. And they 0:09:33.040 --> 0:09:36.400 also said that they had since twenty nineteen, in particular, 0:09:36.840 --> 0:09:39.559 they've managed to get eighteen hundred people to move to 0:09:39.600 --> 0:09:41.680 the city. And that's less than five percent of all 0:09:41.760 --> 0:09:43.920 the applicants. So this is not like a really rare thing. 0:09:44.400 --> 0:09:47.199 I mean rare in contrast with the population size, but 0:09:47.400 --> 0:09:50.160 enough people like this incentive is pretty good. Now. As 0:09:50.240 --> 0:09:53.480 for me, ten k to move to a whole new city, 0:09:53.920 --> 0:09:57.320 I don't want to cover the movie and you get 0:09:57.360 --> 0:09:59.880 there same stuff now just in a foreign place. 0:10:00.240 --> 0:10:03.040 That can be exciting if you're a bit stuck, you know, 0:10:03.440 --> 0:10:05.520 shake up your kids' lives, get them out of primary school, 0:10:05.520 --> 0:10:06.319 because that's always good. 0:10:06.400 --> 0:10:09.480 Ten K to move the whole family, get out of here. 0:10:09.760 --> 0:10:13.160 How much would you take to move somewhere else in 0:10:13.240 --> 0:10:15.480 Sydney that's not Melbourne because I know you want to. 0:10:15.480 --> 0:10:18.920 Go back, but somewhere else, like in New South Wales. No, No, in. 0:10:18.920 --> 0:10:22.199 Australia, how much money would it take minimum. Someone's like, 0:10:22.280 --> 0:10:24.480 here's a free twenty k move to Brisbane. 0:10:25.040 --> 0:10:28.679 I don't think it'd be Brisbane. No, No, probably like 0:10:28.800 --> 0:10:34.199 Byron twenty k yeah tomorrow. No, I wouldn't know. I 0:10:34.280 --> 0:10:37.000 think like the money, as you said, it's barely going 0:10:37.080 --> 0:10:37.960 to cover the costs. 0:10:38.040 --> 0:10:40.160 Yeah, it's not going to scratch the sides, that's for sure. 0:10:40.880 --> 0:10:42.360 If you really want to move somewhere, you're going to 0:10:42.400 --> 0:10:44.120 move there because you want to go there. I don't 0:10:44.160 --> 0:10:46.199 think you can take a money incentive because as we know, 0:10:46.800 --> 0:10:48.800 the money goes away straight away, even if you don't 0:10:48.880 --> 0:10:51.560 use it on real location costs. And I'm sus anyone 0:10:51.600 --> 0:10:53.839 that's offering money. It's like people who would say when 0:10:53.840 --> 0:10:56.160 you're in primary school, I'll buy you like a Teddy 0:10:56.200 --> 0:10:58.600 bear if you come and hang out with me on Saturday. 0:10:59.640 --> 0:11:04.360 I was robbed like once I was friend for hire. 0:11:04.640 --> 0:11:07.280 Literally, I would definitely bribe my friends, like, oh my god, 0:11:07.400 --> 0:11:09.480 come to the library after school. I we need to study. 0:11:09.520 --> 0:11:13.760 I'll get you macas. Yes, us people should just want 0:11:13.800 --> 0:11:14.040 to hang. 0:11:14.160 --> 0:11:15.360 So it's not hanging though. 0:11:15.480 --> 0:11:16.320 We needed to study. 0:11:19.679 --> 0:11:21.480 But on that point, I don't know if you recall, 0:11:21.679 --> 0:11:24.200 but a couple of years ago there was a bunch 0:11:24.240 --> 0:11:28.840 of press about a city in Italy offering one dollar houses, 0:11:28.960 --> 0:11:31.080 so you could buy a house in Italy for a dollar, 0:11:31.120 --> 0:11:32.640 and there was this big thing. I was like, I'm 0:11:32.679 --> 0:11:35.199 gonna be a minute's an amazing But the catch was 0:11:35.480 --> 0:11:38.040 that you had to commit to spending a minimum amount 0:11:38.280 --> 0:11:42.319 on renovations to restore the property. And these were not 0:11:42.480 --> 0:11:45.199 decrepit in any way, but just not livable as they stood. 0:11:45.200 --> 0:11:46.880 You couldn't just go in chuck in a suitcase a 0:11:46.960 --> 0:11:47.559 few bedding things. 0:11:47.640 --> 0:11:48.040 No, no, no, no. 0:11:48.240 --> 0:11:50.280 It definitely needed to be like, you know, toe up 0:11:50.280 --> 0:11:52.280 from the flower. I don't think enough people did it, 0:11:52.360 --> 0:11:54.559 but I liked the idea of it. I think it 0:11:54.640 --> 0:11:57.320 was like a dollar for the actual house than fifteen 0:11:57.400 --> 0:12:01.080 k minimum in renovations. But also so not in the city, 0:12:01.160 --> 0:12:03.840 in regional areas where if you don't speak the language 0:12:03.840 --> 0:12:06.679 and you're not used to a lifestyle, it'd be a downgrade. 0:12:06.920 --> 0:12:09.480 Things you don't consider when you're seeing that Tuscany lifestyle. 0:12:09.559 --> 0:12:13.280 One hundred percent, this is flex and froomes on CATA. 0:12:13.520 --> 0:12:16.680 It's not often we talk about friendships or friendship advice, 0:12:16.760 --> 0:12:20.280 and we should because that is the most juicy advice 0:12:20.400 --> 0:12:23.040 to give and to take. Listen to this. I found 0:12:23.080 --> 0:12:26.839 it on the subreddit friendship advice. They say, how do 0:12:26.880 --> 0:12:29.199 you avoid the therapist zone in a friendship? Which is 0:12:29.240 --> 0:12:32.079 a big question that needs a big answer. They say, 0:12:32.160 --> 0:12:33.839 I see it all starts when you let yourself be 0:12:33.920 --> 0:12:36.640 someone's crying shoulder. They begin to see you almost like 0:12:36.720 --> 0:12:39.880 a charger to refill their battery or a hype man 0:12:40.160 --> 0:12:41.800 who helps maintain their confidence. 0:12:42.440 --> 0:12:43.880 What is the solution, though? 0:12:44.360 --> 0:12:48.200 Do you consistently redirect the conversation to yourself so things 0:12:48.280 --> 0:12:52.040 don't become one sided, Throw in sarcastic remarks to prevent 0:12:52.120 --> 0:12:56.240 coming off too emotionally supportive, limit personal conversations in general, 0:12:56.720 --> 0:12:59.679 any tips and experiences would be appreciated, first of all 0:12:59.720 --> 0:13:03.320 through me. What would you say is the therapist's zone? 0:13:03.640 --> 0:13:05.880 So the therapist zone. I've been on both ends. I 0:13:05.920 --> 0:13:08.920 think most people have. I definitely relate to the whole 0:13:09.120 --> 0:13:13.120 getting your whole confidence or like hyping from one person. 0:13:13.200 --> 0:13:15.719 It's a really attractive thing to do, especially when you're 0:13:15.760 --> 0:13:20.320 anxious or need a lot of positive affirmation, especially if 0:13:20.360 --> 0:13:21.839 you've got a friend who you think is cool or 0:13:21.880 --> 0:13:25.880 really smart, it's really tempting to go to them for reassurance. 0:13:27.440 --> 0:13:31.640 And so would you say the therapist's zone is what 0:13:31.920 --> 0:13:34.440 happens in any friendship that you show that you care 0:13:34.760 --> 0:13:36.840 or is it definitely a place where you like everybody 0:13:36.920 --> 0:13:39.440 has to be and eventually is it a friendship without 0:13:39.440 --> 0:13:40.079 the therapist zone? 0:13:40.920 --> 0:13:42.920 Yeah, I think it definitely can be. I think certain 0:13:43.080 --> 0:13:47.640 people are more prone to being one and like talking 0:13:47.679 --> 0:13:50.000 a lot about themselves, so it becomes that dynamic. Like 0:13:50.080 --> 0:13:52.600 I think if you're someone who does it often, you'd 0:13:52.640 --> 0:13:55.200 probably do it with more than one person and therefore 0:13:55.280 --> 0:13:58.040 thrust them into the therapist's role when they're not equipped 0:13:58.160 --> 0:14:01.320 and can't actually be bothered with it. Yeah, for sure. 0:14:01.640 --> 0:14:05.040 So the question is how does one get out of 0:14:05.160 --> 0:14:07.480 the therapist zone in a friendship? And I thought about 0:14:07.559 --> 0:14:10.520 this maybe for like two days now after reading this 0:14:10.640 --> 0:14:12.599 post on Reddit, because I think that one of the 0:14:12.640 --> 0:14:14.880 hardest things to do is give earnest advice when you 0:14:14.960 --> 0:14:18.160 don't know who's at the end, who's the recipient of it, 0:14:18.679 --> 0:14:20.680 Like if you were asking me earnestly about this. I 0:14:20.680 --> 0:14:22.760 would be there and I would sit there and think 0:14:22.800 --> 0:14:23.920 about it, be like, yeah, yeah, this is how you 0:14:23.960 --> 0:14:26.080 do it. But for an internet person, I'm not really 0:14:26.120 --> 0:14:28.480 that thoughtful. So I decided I would be the first 0:14:28.600 --> 0:14:32.440 important thing. And it's the trickiest thing to do is 0:14:32.560 --> 0:14:37.000 you stop giving unsolicited advice because a therapist's friendy is 0:14:37.120 --> 0:14:39.400 always like yeah, babe, but like have you ever thought 0:14:39.400 --> 0:14:41.240 about doing this? Or here's what I would do, or 0:14:41.280 --> 0:14:43.280 like why won't you try this? And like I read 0:14:43.280 --> 0:14:44.800 a really great thing and it's just you should do this, 0:14:44.920 --> 0:14:46.600 and like this is what happens when you get anxious 0:14:46.600 --> 0:14:48.960 and all of a sudden you set yourself up to 0:14:49.080 --> 0:14:52.440 be the archetype of caregiver. Before you've even committed to it. 0:14:53.000 --> 0:14:54.560 You just might be thinking of like, oh, let's wear 0:14:54.600 --> 0:14:57.440 abstract concepts and share ideas, and they're like, oh great, 0:14:57.520 --> 0:15:00.000 I can rely on this person to help me outside 0:15:00.160 --> 0:15:02.760 of what I'm feeling, to share new perspectives with me, 0:15:03.400 --> 0:15:05.760 to be a safe place for me to land. This 0:15:05.920 --> 0:15:09.680 is all very exciting. I also don't recognize a lot 0:15:09.720 --> 0:15:11.760 of the time when I'm giving advice how high the 0:15:11.800 --> 0:15:14.760 stakes are for the other person. Because if someone's coming 0:15:14.800 --> 0:15:17.040 to you in their distressed state and saying like, hey, 0:15:17.120 --> 0:15:20.040 I really need not even I need help, but like 0:15:20.080 --> 0:15:22.440 I'm going through something and you're like, oh great, let 0:15:22.480 --> 0:15:24.600 me help you out. It feels really validating to be 0:15:24.680 --> 0:15:27.320 the recipient of someone needing your help. Then I'm like, shit, 0:15:27.480 --> 0:15:30.320 like you needed my help and I provided it to you, 0:15:31.240 --> 0:15:34.080 which is fine, But we've created a new standard where 0:15:34.120 --> 0:15:36.800 it's like I'm someone you're trusting with your deepest, darkest 0:15:37.120 --> 0:15:39.880 wounds and stuff, and I was just doing chit chats. 0:15:40.320 --> 0:15:42.800 Yeah, it's a lot of responsibility you can just necessarily 0:15:42.840 --> 0:15:43.320 sign up for. 0:15:43.640 --> 0:15:45.320 Do you think you're more often the therapist or the 0:15:45.400 --> 0:15:46.720 friend who requires a therapist. 0:15:47.960 --> 0:15:51.200 I'm probably more requiring a therapist. I've always been someone 0:15:51.240 --> 0:15:55.960 who needs reassurance, like from first from parents and then 0:15:56.000 --> 0:15:59.040 from friends. I'm growing out of it quite a bit, 0:15:59.680 --> 0:16:02.360 but I think especially because we work in the creative field, 0:16:02.640 --> 0:16:06.960 my whole thing is writing or making videos. Especially with writing, 0:16:06.960 --> 0:16:08.840 I find it very hard to put something out there 0:16:09.240 --> 0:16:12.040 without first getting someone to proofread it a for mistakes 0:16:12.120 --> 0:16:16.120 and b for tone. I don't really do it anymore so, 0:16:16.200 --> 0:16:18.560 for example, like with my newsletter, I used to get 0:16:18.800 --> 0:16:21.920 send them to my two friends, Madison Analyza. They're both writers, 0:16:22.600 --> 0:16:24.560 and that was really helpful and fun because they often 0:16:24.600 --> 0:16:26.680 send me their work. But then if it's been a 0:16:26.720 --> 0:16:29.560 few months where they haven't shared any work, then I 0:16:29.720 --> 0:16:33.280 don't share work because they've been instances. For example, with Madison, 0:16:33.320 --> 0:16:35.360 I used to she was I'd fall on her a 0:16:35.440 --> 0:16:37.680 lot when I'm feeling not very confident, and we'd have 0:16:37.760 --> 0:16:40.600 big chats. We don't really do that much anymore on 0:16:40.640 --> 0:16:43.560 a day to day level, but every month we'll have 0:16:43.640 --> 0:16:46.080 a catch up and a check in where we both 0:16:46.160 --> 0:16:48.520 say how we're feeling. And because we've known each other 0:16:48.600 --> 0:16:50.960 for a long time, the dynamic has been in place 0:16:51.040 --> 0:16:53.160 since we were younger. But of course you go through 0:16:53.240 --> 0:16:56.080 periods where you're really lost and you're counting on people, 0:16:56.360 --> 0:16:57.960 and I think it's it takes a lot of self 0:16:57.960 --> 0:17:00.800 awareness to realize, oh this this is interesting for me, 0:17:01.320 --> 0:17:03.920 but it's probably not very interesting for them, you know. 0:17:04.080 --> 0:17:07.640 So I think any conversation about like energy vampires, for example, 0:17:08.560 --> 0:17:10.760 is helpful to recognize it within yourself. 0:17:11.119 --> 0:17:14.240 For sure, what about you, I've definitely been more of 0:17:14.400 --> 0:17:17.760 the therapist friend, but I chalk it up to a 0:17:17.880 --> 0:17:20.760 few things like number one, I think that I was 0:17:20.960 --> 0:17:24.639 just late to like other life experiences than my other friends, 0:17:24.800 --> 0:17:27.800 but less embarrassed about that fact. So I feel as 0:17:27.840 --> 0:17:31.119 though I was always a very candid speaker, like speaking 0:17:31.119 --> 0:17:33.600 about what I'm feeling, home, thinking or whatever. And because 0:17:33.680 --> 0:17:35.360 my friends I was the youngest in my friend group, 0:17:35.920 --> 0:17:38.000 well I still am. I felt like I was getting 0:17:38.040 --> 0:17:39.800 to things later, and so they would be like, I 0:17:39.880 --> 0:17:42.080 just did this cool new thing, Like what do you 0:17:42.119 --> 0:17:43.960 think was it really embarrassing? Was it cool? And they 0:17:44.000 --> 0:17:45.560 would tell me about it, and I'm like, well, I 0:17:45.640 --> 0:17:48.600 have no reference point, but I'll google and I'll research 0:17:48.640 --> 0:17:50.760 and I'll help you. This is so exciting, Like I'm 0:17:50.800 --> 0:17:53.560 getting access into the real world. And it's little things 0:17:53.640 --> 0:17:56.240 like being the youngest of my friends to turn eighteen wachment, 0:17:56.320 --> 0:17:59.240 I was the youngest to club, youngest to drink, youngest 0:17:59.240 --> 0:18:01.960 to do whatever. But I was absorbing information that I 0:18:02.040 --> 0:18:03.760 was like, I don't have lived experience, but I have 0:18:03.880 --> 0:18:07.200 this conceptual experience, and this is exciting for me. That 0:18:07.400 --> 0:18:10.560 was one thing. The second thing was like I hated 0:18:10.560 --> 0:18:13.440 this idea of asking for help, and I hated asking 0:18:13.520 --> 0:18:15.320 people who needed my help for help because I'm like, 0:18:15.359 --> 0:18:17.359 you can't help yourself, how can how are you to 0:18:17.400 --> 0:18:20.560