WEBVTT - SOS 🏁 Why Do I Keep Getting Friend Zoned? 😘 ❌ 0:00:00.920 --> 0:00:02.960 Plead Flex and Frooms. 0:00:02.560 --> 0:00:03.560 Flex and Firms. 0:00:03.640 --> 0:00:06.039 This is the Flex and Frooms catch up podcast. 0:00:09.840 --> 0:00:12.800 Hello Lovely, we know that you love it when we 0:00:12.840 --> 0:00:14.480 have a little am I the asshole moment or a 0:00:14.480 --> 0:00:18.040 little love line, or someone's asking for some advice and 0:00:18.079 --> 0:00:19.880 we have one. It's been a little while since we've 0:00:19.880 --> 0:00:22.560 got a actual voice note from a listener. Police send 0:00:22.600 --> 0:00:24.840 them through to at Flex and Frooms on Instagram. We 0:00:24.880 --> 0:00:27.720 are always ready to open our ear holes. Thank you 0:00:27.800 --> 0:00:28.560 Mickey for. 0:00:28.520 --> 0:00:29.479 Trolling through them. 0:00:30.120 --> 0:00:32.600 Here is one. Let's just play the tape, Mickey, please. 0:00:33.760 --> 0:00:36.240 I get near it a lot, or I would say 0:00:36.240 --> 0:00:38.519 maybe once a week or so. So I've got with 0:00:38.520 --> 0:00:41.200 my friends looking hot and sexy and out of the above, 0:00:41.479 --> 0:00:42.839 and I meet a lot of other people who are 0:00:42.840 --> 0:00:45.760 hot and sexy, and we get along and we kind 0:00:45.760 --> 0:00:48.239 of do an all mighty together if you want so. 0:00:48.479 --> 0:00:54.400 I know that situation is probably not the most normal one. However, 0:00:56.360 --> 0:00:58.800 I meet all these hot and sexy people all the time. 0:00:59.320 --> 0:01:02.240 I tried to make with my intentions towards these people 0:01:02.280 --> 0:01:05.760 and like try to set up a date or something 0:01:05.800 --> 0:01:09.520 like that, something more intimate, but I keep getting hit 0:01:09.600 --> 0:01:12.720 with Oh, I think you're really hard and resexing. Your 0:01:12.800 --> 0:01:15.920 energy is really special and it makes me feel so comfortable. 0:01:15.959 --> 0:01:20.000 But I'd better just be your friend, which begs the 0:01:20.080 --> 0:01:23.400 question sometimes like am I doing something wrong? Like am 0:01:23.480 --> 0:01:26.240 I not making my intention clear to the other person? 0:01:26.680 --> 0:01:28.680 This is powerful. 0:01:29.920 --> 0:01:32.120 This is like the self reflection that I want to 0:01:32.120 --> 0:01:32.919 see in the world. 0:01:33.160 --> 0:01:35.600 Yeah, as a bare minimum, not to say the listener 0:01:35.720 --> 0:01:37.560 voice notes that have come before this or that will 0:01:37.600 --> 0:01:40.240 come after this are not as good. But it's lovely 0:01:40.280 --> 0:01:43.480 to hear how the person is thinking, not just the 0:01:43.520 --> 0:01:46.120 situation they're going through. So we don't double down with 0:01:46.160 --> 0:01:48.040 advice or feedback. That's irrelevant. 0:01:48.760 --> 0:01:50.880 FLEXI initial thoughts place. 0:01:51.080 --> 0:01:55.520 My initial thoughts are, this is just the contradiction of 0:01:55.560 --> 0:02:00.320 being alive. It kind of reminds me when you talk 0:02:00.360 --> 0:02:03.200 about straight people dating, and men often say I like 0:02:03.200 --> 0:02:05.400 a confident woman, a strong woman, someone who knows what 0:02:05.440 --> 0:02:08.720 they want. And then realistically, the qualities in which people 0:02:08.760 --> 0:02:14.480 find most attractive are submissive and affirming and agreeable and 0:02:14.880 --> 0:02:18.160 not chaotic, and so there is this contradiction between what 0:02:18.200 --> 0:02:20.240 people are putting you out into the world, what they're 0:02:20.240 --> 0:02:23.680 actually attracted to, and who they're willing to date. Another 0:02:23.720 --> 0:02:26.240 thing that comes to mind, is that whether or not 0:02:26.320 --> 0:02:29.000 you think it's true, people really do date within these 0:02:29.040 --> 0:02:34.000 preconceived ideas. Because a lot of us view partnership with status. 0:02:34.480 --> 0:02:36.959 We have an expectation of the person we actually want 0:02:37.000 --> 0:02:40.120 to date I'm nodding aggressively versus the people that we 0:02:40.200 --> 0:02:42.800 keep at around us to you know, share our lives with, 0:02:42.840 --> 0:02:45.320 but also to bolster us and make us more appealing 0:02:45.800 --> 0:02:48.600 to people we want to be appealing to. Because there's 0:02:48.639 --> 0:02:52.160 also that the power in what your connections do for 0:02:52.280 --> 0:02:54.000 you and how you want to be seen by other 0:02:54.040 --> 0:02:57.000 people outside of your inner circle. So that's what's coming 0:02:57.080 --> 0:03:00.960 up for the most part. I also think there's something 0:03:01.040 --> 0:03:05.680 about friend dynamics that really confuse romantic dynamics, and a 0:03:05.680 --> 0:03:08.079 lot of people have been burned in the past by 0:03:08.120 --> 0:03:11.480 trying to make a romantic situation out of a friendship situation. 0:03:11.800 --> 0:03:13.160 And for a lot of people, it's just not worth 0:03:13.240 --> 0:03:16.400 ruining the vibe. It's hard to especially when someone is 0:03:16.440 --> 0:03:18.760 just like just like generically kind of hot. Like in 0:03:18.840 --> 0:03:20.880 order for you to ruin the friendship dynamics, I'm gonna 0:03:20.880 --> 0:03:24.000 need us to be solms. What do you reconize? 0:03:24.040 --> 0:03:27.240 Sometimes that does happen I really like what you said 0:03:27.240 --> 0:03:29.600 about like the people that you choose to be friends with, 0:03:29.600 --> 0:03:31.919 for example, can be so different to the people you 0:03:32.000 --> 0:03:35.080 choose to date, and the idea that it's a status thing, 0:03:35.280 --> 0:03:38.960 like speak on it. I feel that very deeply, and 0:03:39.000 --> 0:03:42.080 it's a difficult thing to like recognize in yourself. 0:03:41.760 --> 0:03:44.840 Which is why, for the most part, people don't really 0:03:44.880 --> 0:03:48.440 struggle with picking genuine friendships. I feel like it's also 0:03:48.480 --> 0:03:51.000 why a lot of people don't have friends, because it's 0:03:51.000 --> 0:03:53.720 a very genuine transaction. Like I like you for who 0:03:53.720 --> 0:03:55.240 you are. You like me for who I am. You're 0:03:55.280 --> 0:03:57.200 not really concerned with what I look like, or what 0:03:57.280 --> 0:03:59.360 I dress, or what I do in my spare time, 0:03:59.400 --> 0:04:01.720 what my job is. Because we're just here to be friends. 0:04:01.840 --> 0:04:05.000 That is the expectation. If we were to say, oh, 0:04:05.120 --> 0:04:08.240 we're here to share lives, co create, bring something else 0:04:08.240 --> 0:04:10.760 into this world, a third party, secret, a third thing. 0:04:11.440 --> 0:04:14.000 Suddenly I'm now thinking, are you a good partner for me? 0:04:14.120 --> 0:04:16.880 Do we have the same shared goal, same shared values? 0:04:17.200 --> 0:04:20.640 And even if it's not that deep, maybe you're just shallow. Strangely, 0:04:20.839 --> 0:04:23.200 in the last two years, I've found myself in a 0:04:23.200 --> 0:04:27.640 similar situation. People obsessed with your energy. They want to 0:04:27.680 --> 0:04:30.159 be friends, but they don't want to date you, and 0:04:30.480 --> 0:04:35.680 it's hard to unpack when it's you. So to avoid 0:04:35.720 --> 0:04:38.640 taking yourself out of the situation, let me tell you 0:04:38.839 --> 0:04:42.080 all the things that I would tell a friend, varying 0:04:42.120 --> 0:04:44.679 degrees of mean, just to get the point across. 0:04:44.800 --> 0:04:45.400 Oh my god. 0:04:46.440 --> 0:04:48.400 The first point I want to make is that I 0:04:48.440 --> 0:04:51.400 don't feel like a lot of us are aware that 0:04:52.400 --> 0:04:55.880 we all have agendas with who we choose to associate with, 0:04:57.080 --> 0:05:00.880 period whether or not you have the agency to act 0:05:00.920 --> 0:05:03.400 on that agenda. You know what you want out of 0:05:03.440 --> 0:05:05.040 your interactions. I want to have a good night out 0:05:05.080 --> 0:05:07.279 as I to Kiki with this person. They seem fun. 0:05:07.800 --> 0:05:09.479 This person has the best energy. I want to be 0:05:09.520 --> 0:05:12.080 around them. It makes me feel good. I love the 0:05:12.080 --> 0:05:14.520 way that person dresses. They look cool, and I want 0:05:14.520 --> 0:05:17.760 to be cool. These aren't mean things. It just means 0:05:17.760 --> 0:05:22.960 that you're sometimes just a pawn in somebody else's experience 0:05:23.480 --> 0:05:26.600 and it feels personal because it's you, But for that person, 0:05:26.640 --> 0:05:28.800 you could have just been the accessory to their experience. 0:05:29.200 --> 0:05:32.080 And so by bridging that gap and trying to merge 0:05:32.080 --> 0:05:36.320 your experiences, what you're experiencing is that awareness that they're 0:05:36.360 --> 0:05:40.240 not the interaction you had was mostly about them. For 0:05:40.279 --> 0:05:42.800 the most part, they can just not be interested. But 0:05:42.920 --> 0:05:45.240 I think when you're someone who has something to offer 0:05:45.960 --> 0:05:48.440 in the realm of social clout, people want to have that. 0:05:48.640 --> 0:05:51.760 It's yummy to be across that. If you think about 0:05:51.760 --> 0:05:56.080 it objectively, most people do not benefit from social clout. 0:05:56.640 --> 0:06:00.560 I'm talking being really attractive, being really charismatic, being really 0:06:00.600 --> 0:06:03.560 well connected, having a lot of money, having a lot 0:06:03.560 --> 0:06:07.800 of resources, having the house to go to after after 0:06:07.839 --> 0:06:09.719 the club, having the house to go to, priests to 0:06:10.480 --> 0:06:13.200 Let's say only ten percent of the population have access 0:06:13.240 --> 0:06:15.880 to that, and so when you have that, you become 0:06:15.920 --> 0:06:19.719 the gatekeeper for somebody else's experience and they know exactly 0:06:19.920 --> 0:06:23.720 how close to be with you to be to gain access. 0:06:25.440 --> 0:06:27.920 I don't want to use that dumb phrase, why buy 0:06:28.000 --> 0:06:30.400 the cow. You can get the milk for free. But 0:06:31.240 --> 0:06:33.960 when it comes to when it comes to friendships and 0:06:34.040 --> 0:06:37.400 just casual social relationships, you can get a lot from 0:06:37.480 --> 0:06:41.560 them without investing or committing to dating. Dating is a 0:06:41.600 --> 0:06:43.919 lot of effort, and nine times out of ten you 0:06:43.960 --> 0:06:46.960 come out of that traumatized, not in a grand way, 0:06:47.240 --> 0:06:48.480 but in a way where you kind of a lip. 0:06:48.480 --> 0:06:52.960 Without that, you gotta live without that. In the words 0:06:52.960 --> 0:06:56.760 of threw me from three months ago, oh dear, they're 0:06:56.800 --> 0:06:59.960 just not that into you. He's just not that into you. 0:07:00.640 --> 0:07:03.559 It holds true, not in the sense that you would 0:07:03.600 --> 0:07:06.599 need to how do I explain that, in the sense 0:07:06.640 --> 0:07:09.720 that it's often not about the other person. Like I 0:07:09.880 --> 0:07:12.640 can walk through my life interacting with so many people 0:07:12.760 --> 0:07:15.280 making them feel a certain way or based on what 0:07:15.320 --> 0:07:18.000 I needed in that moment. I needed a good chat 0:07:18.160 --> 0:07:21.040 and so as being a chatty caffe you know what 0:07:21.080 --> 0:07:22.400 I mean. And then at the end of it, someone's like, 0:07:22.440 --> 0:07:24.400 let's hang out for coffee and I said, nah, I 0:07:24.400 --> 0:07:29.120 got my fix. Thank you. I will say another fallacy 0:07:29.160 --> 0:07:33.840 about social interactions, being upfront doesn't mean you also receive 0:07:34.000 --> 0:07:37.840 upfront behavior. Okay, So your confusion with going into these 0:07:37.840 --> 0:07:40.520 interactions and being upfront and saying I really want dating, 0:07:40.560 --> 0:07:43.760 I really want romance and being expected to be met 0:07:43.760 --> 0:07:46.800 with that same kind of forward behavior is a fallacy. 0:07:46.840 --> 0:07:50.520 It's not how that works. Your forwardness isn't going to 0:07:50.560 --> 0:07:54.920 suddenly invigorate somebody else with enough self confidence to engage 0:07:54.920 --> 0:07:57.200 in the situation in the same amount of way. Also, 0:07:57.320 --> 0:07:59.520 the way that you're perceiving your forwardness. You know, like, 0:07:59.560 --> 0:08:01.720 I'm leave no room for error. It's clarity, you know 0:08:01.760 --> 0:08:05.400 exactly what I want. People like the safety of ambiguity. 0:08:05.520 --> 0:08:07.600 People like knowing that you can go hang up with 0:08:07.640 --> 0:08:09.400 someone and you don't have to know what it is 0:08:09.520 --> 0:08:12.280 or what it isn't. As soon as you make something romantic, 0:08:12.320 --> 0:08:14.960 they are expectations of the pace or how you fit 0:08:14.960 --> 0:08:17.280 into each other's lives or where it goes from now, 0:08:17.480 --> 0:08:20.840 and all of that just isn't fun. And so I 0:08:20.920 --> 0:08:24.520 guarantee that if you were hanging out with all of 0:08:24.520 --> 0:08:27.800 these hot sexy people and not being forward, you'd probably 0:08:27.800 --> 0:08:32.520 be getting near it way more often interesting people like. 0:08:32.640 --> 0:08:35.000 There's so much contradiction in the way that people behave 0:08:35.080 --> 0:08:38.079 but I know for like I would put money on it. 0:08:38.360 --> 0:08:41.559 People do not respond well to somebody else being forward 0:08:41.600 --> 0:08:44.120 because it puts them in a state of powerlessness. It 0:08:44.200 --> 0:08:47.240 makes them feel like they don't have options anymore. And 0:08:47.240 --> 0:08:50.160 now you get to decide the pace, the tone, what 0:08:50.280 --> 0:08:52.560 it is, what it isn't. But when you're all just 0:08:52.800 --> 0:08:55.040 you know, not just friends, when you're just like neutral 0:08:55.120 --> 0:08:57.600 socializing beings, it's just stuff. 0:08:57.960 --> 0:09:00.640 It's like when you feel. It's hard when you feel 0:09:00.640 --> 0:09:02.520 like you have to make a decision mm hm. When 0:09:02.520 --> 0:09:05.160 someone's like I want to date you, it's like wait 0:09:05.280 --> 0:09:08.000 but ah, and like, oh. 0:09:07.840 --> 0:09:09.960 It's been brewing for you. You just told me, and now 0:09:09.960 --> 0:09:11.360 I got to like agree to go on a date. 0:09:11.400 --> 0:09:12.400 I don't even know how I feel. 0:09:12.520 --> 0:09:15.559 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, even just yeah. 0:09:15.600 --> 0:09:17.680 And dating is a lot of pressure, you know, Like 0:09:17.960 --> 0:09:20.320 that's why we're always looking for like a spark or 0:09:20.320 --> 0:09:24.440 something that makes us certain, because it is very painful 0:09:24.480 --> 0:09:26.839 to be on the receiving end of someone who's not certain. 0:09:26.880 --> 0:09:28.720 So I know a lot of people are hesitant to 0:09:28.800 --> 0:09:32.240 go into situations knowing they're not sure. Yeah. True, So 0:09:32.240 --> 0:09:34.160 that's why they would say to you, I like your energy, 0:09:34.200 --> 0:09:36.040 I like your vibe, I like all these let's just 0:09:36.040 --> 0:09:39.520 be friends, because choosing to now engage in this like 0:09:39.720 --> 0:09:43.520 romancing means I've got to now be sure and that's 0:09:43.559 --> 0:09:44.040 just not fun. 0:09:44.080 --> 0:09:44.840 What do you reckon here? 0:09:45.400 --> 0:09:49.520 My boyfriend, my current boyfriend, was always like you're peaking out. 0:09:49.720 --> 0:09:53.079 No, yeah, he was. 0:09:53.040 --> 0:09:55.000 Always like putting out the vibe. That's something was going 0:09:55.040 --> 0:09:55.640 on between us. 0:09:55.640 --> 0:09:57.600 But I just shot him down for so long because. 0:09:57.400 --> 0:10:00.240 I was like no, like we're friends, we go, we 0:10:00.280 --> 0:10:03.240 enjoy time together, like we're not doing it. So I 0:10:03.280 --> 0:10:06.280 definitely understand the some extent when you're out and bout 0:10:06.320 --> 0:10:08.720 and you're trying to meet people, they're not necessarily the 0:10:08.720 --> 0:10:11.319 people that you want to blur those lines with in 0:10:11.400 --> 0:10:14.599 particularly if you're having so much fun with them, you 0:10:14.600 --> 0:10:16.240 don't want to be like last week we kiss and 0:10:16.280 --> 0:10:17.080 this week I don't really. 0:10:16.960 --> 0:10:18.760 Want to care And why did you kiss somebody? Yes, 0:10:19.080 --> 0:10:20.760 like oh I thought it was us, And oh you're 0:10:20.760 --> 0:10:22.720 sleeping within another friend of mine. That's weird. 0:10:23.120 --> 0:10:25.280 Yeah, I think it can just get confusing. 0:10:25.480 --> 0:10:27.679 There is a virtue and just not trying to date 0:10:27.679 --> 0:10:29.720 your friends. I get the one size fit to all 0:10:29.720 --> 0:10:31.480 approach with like if we get along so well and 0:10:31.520 --> 0:10:33.280 you're hot and I'm hot, and we're here, let's just 0:10:33.360 --> 0:10:35.520 do it. But if that would work, if that was 0:10:35.520 --> 0:10:36.960 a strategy that was going to work, it would have 0:10:36.960 --> 0:10:37.600 worked by now. 0:10:37.840 --> 0:10:40.440 Yeah, I think I'd be certain. I was certain that 0:10:40.480 --> 0:10:42.320 I was like we need to do this, yeah, because 0:10:42.320 --> 0:10:43.959 there's no going back. We've like blurred the lines. 0:10:44.040 --> 0:10:47.360 Yeah, And also there is something to say about like 0:10:47.480 --> 0:10:49.280 I know a lot of dating these days, like catch 0:10:49.320 --> 0:10:52.040 a vibe and see how you go. There's something to 0:10:52.080 --> 0:10:54.480 say about knowing exactly what you want and then knowing 0:10:54.559 --> 0:10:57.080 that person fits the criteria as opposed to just like 0:10:57.160 --> 0:11:00.000 playing throwing someone at the wall and seeing if it's stick, 0:11:00.800 --> 0:11:04.000 instead of throwing stuff at the wall. Knowing what your 0:11:04.040 --> 0:11:06.600 personality type is and knowing how you can be perceived. 0:11:07.240 --> 0:11:11.000 Save that energy for someone you're definitely sure about, who 0:11:11.080 --> 0:11:13.440 you know is kind of sure about. You. Don't just 0:11:13.480 --> 0:11:15.240 assume because you're all hanging out and having a good 0:11:15.240 --> 0:11:18.160 time that they're just an option, okay, because that creates 0:11:18.160 --> 0:11:20.080 a weird energy. It's like one of those things where 0:11:20.120 --> 0:11:22.360 like you know, they say, like cis hetero, men can't 0:11:22.360 --> 0:11:23.920 be friends with women because I think when women are 0:11:24.000 --> 0:11:26.800 nicer than they want to flirt. And you know, it's 0:11:26.840 --> 0:11:30.040 that vibe. Just because you're all hanging out doesn't mean 0:11:30.080 --> 0:11:33.400 that you are all romantic prospects. So you kind of 0:11:33.440 --> 0:11:37.720 need more data. So when you do go to make 0:11:37.760 --> 0:11:40.160 that shot, you have more chances of. 0:11:41.520 --> 0:11:44.880 Scoring and why is that because you miss every show 0:11:44.920 --> 0:11:45.559 you don't take. 0:11:45.400 --> 0:11:47.520 One hundred percent, but also gonna be mindful of how 0:11:47.520 --> 0:11:50.120 to take the right shot, so the right goal. 0:11:50.920 --> 0:11:53.240 Yeah, I used you when I play sport, throw it 0:11:53.480 --> 0:11:55.880 full peal and then if it gets in, everybody cheers 0:11:56.120 --> 0:11:56.760 hundred percent. 0:11:56.840 --> 0:11:58.920 And that's kind of the energy here. Like you're like, well, 0:11:58.920 --> 0:12:02.040 my enthusiasm should mean that I'm more likely to get 0:12:02.080 --> 0:12:04.600 that goal because I'm trying really hard. But then what 0:12:04.640 --> 0:12:06.320 if you miss? It doesn't matter for you. You're like, oh, 0:12:06.360 --> 0:12:08.120 that was just something else. But everybody else is like, oh, 0:12:08.160 --> 0:12:10.079 they really wanted that. They might be so embarrassed. 0:12:10.679 --> 0:12:12.880 Okay, that's see that we came together to do a 0:12:12.920 --> 0:12:13.560 good analogy. 0:12:13.600 --> 0:12:15.120 Then yeah, that was really cute. 0:12:15.160 --> 0:12:16.160 Thank you for setting the voice. 0:12:16.200 --> 0:12:19.160 Note the best of luck, good luck. People are fickle, 0:12:19.320 --> 0:12:21.400 so and too hard on yourself. 0:12:22.440 --> 0:12:25.040 You've been listening to The Flex and Froom's daily podcast. 0:12:25.280 --> 0:12:28.920 For more, tune Indicator on DAB or stream it on iHeartRadio.