1 00:00:03,320 --> 00:00:05,400 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. 2 00:00:05,800 --> 00:00:08,960 Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just 3 00:00:09,119 --> 00:00:10,000 Speaker 2: wants answers. 4 00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:12,400 Speaker 1: Now, our job as parents is to say, okay, so 5 00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:16,239 Speaker 1: something bad has occurred. The consequences are ugly, yucky, horrible. 6 00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:20,000 Speaker 1: We don't like the consequences. But what's the belief underlying that? 7 00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:23,320 Speaker 2: And now here's the stars of our show, My. 8 00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:25,800 Speaker 1: Mum and dad. Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson, the 9 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:29,480 Speaker 1: author of six books about raising families that are happy. 10 00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:33,479 Speaker 1: And I'm here with my very sore wife, missus Happy Families. 11 00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:37,080 Speaker 1: Kylie giggling because a couple of weeks ago we were 12 00:00:37,159 --> 00:00:40,520 Speaker 1: cheering you on because you've joined the gym and you've 13 00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:43,320 Speaker 1: been doing box jumps. Well, you did your very first 14 00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:44,560 Speaker 1: ever box jumps. 15 00:00:44,840 --> 00:00:46,879 Speaker 2: I don't know if we can call them box jumps. 16 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:49,360 Speaker 1: They are a jump, but they're not really you're jumping 17 00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:51,000 Speaker 1: onto a box. The box was only a couple of 18 00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:52,680 Speaker 1: cent a minutes higher, but you were doing your first 19 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:56,440 Speaker 1: ever box jumps. And today you've walked in here to 20 00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:00,880 Speaker 1: do the podcast with me, and I don't know if you 21 00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:01,760 Speaker 1: can call it a walk. 22 00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:03,280 Speaker 2: You sort of. 23 00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:07,880 Speaker 1: Staggering in because your last trip to the gym you 24 00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:09,880 Speaker 1: doubled the height of your box jump. 25 00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:11,240 Speaker 2: I did double the height. 26 00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:14,280 Speaker 1: Yay for me, I double that's right. And then you 27 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:16,920 Speaker 1: showed me when you got home how box jumpy you were, 28 00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:21,560 Speaker 1: and now you can't walk. Isn't the gym great? Isn't 29 00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:24,520 Speaker 1: this fantastic? This fitness kick? Doesn't it feel amazing? Well? 30 00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:26,760 Speaker 2: I tried to just roll out today. I didn't even 31 00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:28,440 Speaker 2: do any hardcore exercise. 32 00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:30,119 Speaker 1: But too much pain. 33 00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:31,280 Speaker 2: Oh so pain. 34 00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:34,280 Speaker 1: I'm so so proud of you, so impressed. This is 35 00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:37,240 Speaker 1: what resilience is, right, I mean, so we're talking about 36 00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:41,199 Speaker 1: resilience because book Club has recommenced. We do four weeks 37 00:01:41,240 --> 00:01:43,800 Speaker 1: of book Club once every term as part of our 38 00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:47,440 Speaker 1: Happy Families membership. So if you're a member of Happy Families, 39 00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:49,480 Speaker 1: which you can get all the information at Happy Families 40 00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:51,040 Speaker 1: dot com dot e it's like twelve bucks a month 41 00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:53,440 Speaker 1: or seventeen if you'd like to be a Premium member, 42 00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:56,760 Speaker 1: you get to sit in on book Club and review 43 00:01:57,080 --> 00:01:58,880 Speaker 1: one of my books each term. I don't know what 44 00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:00,000 Speaker 1: we're going to do when we run oder the boo. 45 00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:01,720 Speaker 2: I was about to say, does that mean I'm going 46 00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:02,480 Speaker 2: to be a widow again? 47 00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:04,080 Speaker 1: And you're going to head off and I'm going to 48 00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:07,360 Speaker 1: have to write more books maybe, So at the moment, 49 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:10,679 Speaker 1: we're working through nine ways to a resilient child. Last 50 00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:14,079 Speaker 1: week was book Week one. In the podcast, we talked 51 00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:18,520 Speaker 1: about some of the myths of resilience, but in book 52 00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:22,079 Speaker 1: club we talked about how building identity in our children 53 00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:24,400 Speaker 1: is one of the most surefire, powerful ways that we 54 00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:27,560 Speaker 1: can create resilience in our children. When they know who 55 00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:29,920 Speaker 1: they are, they're much more likely to be resilient. And 56 00:02:29,919 --> 00:02:32,400 Speaker 1: there's loads of research to support this idea that teaching 57 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:35,320 Speaker 1: kids about their roots and helping them to figure themselves 58 00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:38,359 Speaker 1: out over time, which you know that just happens in life, 59 00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:42,480 Speaker 1: they become more resilient. And we also talked about psychological flexibility, 60 00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:44,480 Speaker 1: which is just a fascinating idea. 61 00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:46,959 Speaker 2: I'm not feeling very flexible. 62 00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:51,280 Speaker 1: Not physically, maybe psychologically. But we need to have a 63 00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:54,040 Speaker 1: conversation about a book club for tonight. And by the way, 64 00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:55,919 Speaker 1: if you missed last week, it's okay. You can still 65 00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:58,800 Speaker 1: join Happy Families and become a member today and join 66 00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:00,960 Speaker 1: in book club tonight. We would love to have you there. 67 00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:03,320 Speaker 1: So sorry I'm saying tonight, but it's tomorrow night. I've 68 00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:06,120 Speaker 1: got my days all mixed up. It's Wednesday night and 69 00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:08,480 Speaker 1: tonight's Tuesday. So don't try and get on a book 70 00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:10,520 Speaker 1: club tonight because that would be a bad idea. So 71 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:12,279 Speaker 1: tomorrow night, what are we talking about? 72 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:16,120 Speaker 2: Jam packed? Tomorrow night, We've got two really big topics 73 00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:19,720 Speaker 2: to kind of work our way through, self control and 74 00:03:19,919 --> 00:03:21,239 Speaker 2: stinking thinking. 75 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:26,880 Speaker 1: Okay, So we build resilience by building self control, and 76 00:03:26,919 --> 00:03:30,040 Speaker 1: we build resilience by overcoming stinking thinking. 77 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:34,880 Speaker 2: Yeah, so I was thinking you talk about the Walter 78 00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:38,680 Speaker 2: Michelle experiment that was done back in the nineteen sixties. 79 00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:42,480 Speaker 2: Everybody knows the marshmallow experiment, but can you just talk 80 00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:43,920 Speaker 2: us through it a little bit. There was over six 81 00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:46,960 Speaker 2: hundred kids who participated in this, all around the age 82 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,320 Speaker 2: of four. But what did they actually have to do? 83 00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:53,040 Speaker 3: All right, here's the deal, marshmallow for you. You can 84 00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:55,560 Speaker 3: either wait and I'll give you another one if you wait, 85 00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:59,000 Speaker 3: or you can eat it now. When I come back, 86 00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:02,000 Speaker 3: I'll give you another for then you'll have to but 87 00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:03,520 Speaker 3: stay in here and stay in the chair till I 88 00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:05,320 Speaker 3: come back. Okay. 89 00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:08,240 Speaker 1: So everybody's heard of the marshmallow experiment. It's like one 90 00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:12,320 Speaker 1: of the most world famous experiments in the history of psychology, 91 00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:14,960 Speaker 1: and the idea basically is children are out about the 92 00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:18,239 Speaker 1: age of four, five and six were brought into Walter 93 00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:21,880 Speaker 1: Michell's laboratory from memory, I think was at Stanford University. 94 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:26,080 Speaker 1: And what Michelle would do is say to them, I've 95 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:28,000 Speaker 1: got a marshmallow. In fact, it wasn't always a marshmallow. 96 00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:30,520 Speaker 1: Sometimes it was an oreo cookie or I mean some 97 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:35,799 Speaker 1: kids actually wanted sultans, because hey, people are people are people. 98 00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:38,840 Speaker 1: Some people have their preferences. And what he essentially said was, 99 00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:41,080 Speaker 1: I'll tell you what. I'll give this to you now 100 00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:43,440 Speaker 1: and you can eat it, or I've got to pop 101 00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:45,159 Speaker 1: out of the office for a minute. But when I 102 00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:47,120 Speaker 1: come back in here, if it's still there, if you 103 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,560 Speaker 1: haven't eaten it, I'll double it. I'll give you two. 104 00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:52,560 Speaker 1: So they've got two cookies to mushmallows, whatever it is. 105 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:56,480 Speaker 1: And what Michelle's research showed was that, I mean, some 106 00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:58,600 Speaker 1: kids just eat it on the spot, right, They just 107 00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:03,320 Speaker 1: gobbled down super fast. And there's some funny YouTube, you know, 108 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:05,320 Speaker 1: where people have reenacted this, and I. 109 00:05:05,279 --> 00:05:06,960 Speaker 2: Was going to say, I think that this is probably 110 00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:09,440 Speaker 2: an experiment that's been re enacted in a lot of 111 00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:10,120 Speaker 2: lounge trips. 112 00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:14,800 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, much. And what Michelle found was that some 113 00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:17,119 Speaker 1: kids ate it really quickly and other kids didn't. In fact, 114 00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:20,680 Speaker 1: when I interviewed Ethan Cross for our Parenting in Perspective 115 00:05:20,839 --> 00:05:23,560 Speaker 1: series on this podcast, which was about one hundred episodes 116 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:25,919 Speaker 1: now is back at about episode number one hundred and fifteen 117 00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:27,799 Speaker 1: hundred and twenty. We'll put it in the show notes. 118 00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:31,880 Speaker 1: What Ethan Cross was Walter Michelle's student. He was a 119 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:34,640 Speaker 1: PhD student under Walter Michelle, and he talks about being 120 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:37,960 Speaker 1: involved in these self control experiments. But a lot of 121 00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:40,480 Speaker 1: people are like, oh, well, hang on, that means if 122 00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:43,279 Speaker 1: I do this experiment in my living room and my 123 00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:46,440 Speaker 1: kids eat the marshmallow while I'm out of the room, 124 00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:49,000 Speaker 1: that means that they've got no self control and they've 125 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:52,960 Speaker 1: got no resilience, and their destiny is inside that mush mellow. 126 00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:55,680 Speaker 1: They're gone. And some parents will think, well, if my 127 00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:58,479 Speaker 1: kids don't eat the marshmallow, then they're going to be 128 00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:01,960 Speaker 1: superstar successes because they have got self control. 129 00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:06,720 Speaker 2: So what did Walter actually find? Like his findings so in. 130 00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:08,840 Speaker 1: A nutshell, what he found is that he tracked these 131 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:12,520 Speaker 1: kids over the decades or at least over a little 132 00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:14,760 Speaker 1: more than a decade, and what he found was that 133 00:06:14,839 --> 00:06:17,480 Speaker 1: on average, the kids that ate the marshmallow, they had 134 00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:19,880 Speaker 1: less self control, and as they got older, they did 135 00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:22,320 Speaker 1: less well in school, they did less well in terms 136 00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:25,000 Speaker 1: of their social relationships, they did less well in their careers. 137 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:28,480 Speaker 1: And there's even another study that has come out of Dunedin. 138 00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:31,000 Speaker 1: It's called the Dunedin Study. It's all about self control. 139 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:34,599 Speaker 1: It's followed people for well over thirty years now and 140 00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:37,159 Speaker 1: the researchers have found that the kids at score lowest 141 00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:40,120 Speaker 1: on what we call trait self control, that is, they're 142 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:44,160 Speaker 1: just not very in charge of their ability to control themselves. 143 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:46,520 Speaker 1: They do worse at school, they do worse in their relationships, 144 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:49,080 Speaker 1: They're more likely to take drugs, drink alcohol, end up 145 00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:52,360 Speaker 1: in jail, have premarital sex, and end up pregnant the 146 00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:55,200 Speaker 1: results of lacking self control. I mean, it kind of 147 00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:58,560 Speaker 1: makes sense, right. The question is does the marshmallow tell 148 00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:00,280 Speaker 1: us who's going to end up in jail and who's 149 00:07:00,279 --> 00:07:02,560 Speaker 1: going to end up as the CEO. And that's where 150 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:05,760 Speaker 1: the answer is absolutely no, it doesn't. 151 00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:08,840 Speaker 2: What I found interesting is I read a little bit 152 00:07:08,839 --> 00:07:12,160 Speaker 2: more about the experiment, was that if he spent some 153 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:15,360 Speaker 2: time working with these children and then put them through 154 00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:20,080 Speaker 2: the experiment again by teaching them some really simple techniques. 155 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:23,320 Speaker 2: They were actually able to withstand the marshmallow for up 156 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:26,200 Speaker 2: to fifteen minutes in comparison to the three or four 157 00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:28,200 Speaker 2: minutes that they'd previously been subjected to. 158 00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:30,600 Speaker 1: And that's why Ethan Cross, in my conversation with him 159 00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:33,680 Speaker 1: about this, he just said, you can't. And I've written 160 00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:35,200 Speaker 1: this in the book, which obviously I wrote a few 161 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:39,440 Speaker 1: years ago. Now, you can't put somebody's destiny inside that 162 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:43,480 Speaker 1: little ball of white, fluffy, sugary gelatine stuff. You just 163 00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:46,160 Speaker 1: can't say that your destiny is in the marshmallow. Because 164 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:49,720 Speaker 1: self control is something that can be taught. 165 00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:53,360 Speaker 2: There's some hope, there's some hope right there we can 166 00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:54,520 Speaker 2: learn this skill. 167 00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:57,640 Speaker 1: So I guess the take home message here is that 168 00:07:57,960 --> 00:07:59,800 Speaker 1: self control can be taught. We don't have time to 169 00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:02,160 Speaker 1: talk talk about how, but that's in the book. It's 170 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:04,000 Speaker 1: in Nine Ways to a Resilient Child, which you can 171 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:05,880 Speaker 1: get online at Happy families dot com dot a U 172 00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:08,280 Speaker 1: and if you do it, you get the workbook for free. 173 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:10,560 Speaker 1: By the way, just go to happy families dot com 174 00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:11,840 Speaker 1: dot you and you can get on the info there. 175 00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:13,800 Speaker 1: And tomorrow night in book club, you're going to talk 176 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:18,040 Speaker 1: specifically about what I've highlighted in terms of the strategies 177 00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:20,080 Speaker 1: for building self control on our kids so that they 178 00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:22,440 Speaker 1: don't end up in prison and instead they do end 179 00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:25,400 Speaker 1: up doing well at school and having successful resilient lives. 180 00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:28,760 Speaker 2: I'm really looking forward to that conversation. So up next, 181 00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:31,160 Speaker 2: let's talk about stinking thinking. 182 00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:34,520 Speaker 1: It's their Happy Families podcast. 183 00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:38,080 Speaker 2: For a happier family, try a Happy Families membership, because 184 00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:40,120 Speaker 2: a happy family doesn't just happen. 185 00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:43,480 Speaker 1: Details at happy families dot com dot au. 186 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:46,520 Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time 187 00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:49,800 Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now. And we have 188 00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:52,640 Speaker 2: been talking about a couple of chapters that we're going 189 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:54,280 Speaker 2: to be discussing in book club tomorrow night. 190 00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:57,400 Speaker 1: And from Nine Ways to a Resilient Child, the book 191 00:08:57,400 --> 00:09:01,840 Speaker 1: by me. I was going to be really humble about it, 192 00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:04,400 Speaker 1: and then I thought, no, I've gone too far. I 193 00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:06,240 Speaker 1: wrote it and it's been one of the best selling 194 00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:08,640 Speaker 1: resilience books over the last few years in Australia for 195 00:09:08,760 --> 00:09:12,959 Speaker 1: parents really really been a very very helpful book for 196 00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:13,559 Speaker 1: a lot of people. 197 00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:16,920 Speaker 2: So our second topic is stinking thinking. I think this 198 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:18,280 Speaker 2: is something that we all struggle with. 199 00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:20,439 Speaker 1: Whether we're three or where thirty. 200 00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:22,760 Speaker 2: Three or one hundred and three. You know, we have 201 00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:25,640 Speaker 2: these negative experiences happen in our lives, and it can 202 00:09:25,679 --> 00:09:27,520 Speaker 2: be really easy for us to fall into the trap 203 00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:28,559 Speaker 2: of negative thinking. 204 00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:31,640 Speaker 1: Yeah, and we talked with I think her name was 205 00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:34,560 Speaker 1: Taran just in episode two hundred and seven about taming 206 00:09:34,559 --> 00:09:36,960 Speaker 1: that voice inside our own head as parents, because what 207 00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:38,920 Speaker 1: if we say horrible things about ourselves and then the 208 00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:41,480 Speaker 1: kids learn that what we were really talking about was 209 00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:44,000 Speaker 1: stinking thinking. So if you'd like to hear more about 210 00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:47,320 Speaker 1: this idea, just go back to episode two hundred and seven, 211 00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:48,720 Speaker 1: willing to that in the show note so that you 212 00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:50,240 Speaker 1: can catch that. But I want to approach it really 213 00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:52,079 Speaker 1: differently today based on what's written in the book. 214 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:57,160 Speaker 2: So you talk about this ABC model, and you actually 215 00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:59,320 Speaker 2: shared a really cool experience that you had with one 216 00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:01,880 Speaker 2: of our children who had had a bad experience at 217 00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:04,600 Speaker 2: school and she came home and just lost the plot 218 00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:06,480 Speaker 2: and said she was never going back to school again, 219 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:09,280 Speaker 2: and you were able to talk her through this process 220 00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:12,079 Speaker 2: using this ABC model. Can we kind of talk a 221 00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:14,199 Speaker 2: little bit about what that is and how it looks. 222 00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:16,920 Speaker 1: Yeah, you bet, I won't mention our daughter and her 223 00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:19,200 Speaker 1: experience at school. I'm going to change the experience up 224 00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:21,040 Speaker 1: a bit because I think it's just quicker and easier 225 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:24,480 Speaker 1: for our purposes today. But A stands for adversity. So 226 00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:27,679 Speaker 1: in life, everyone experienced adversity, and resilience is our ability 227 00:10:27,679 --> 00:10:32,760 Speaker 1: to move past adversity, to experience that and grow from it. Right. 228 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:36,199 Speaker 1: But if we've got this stinking thinking what happens, Adversity 229 00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:38,400 Speaker 1: can sometimes crash us. It makes us feel like I'm 230 00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:40,360 Speaker 1: never going to go back to school or I'm no good, 231 00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:43,640 Speaker 1: and that stinking thinking really starts to permeat. So we 232 00:10:43,679 --> 00:10:47,000 Speaker 1: had this adversity that hits us, And let's use the 233 00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:50,360 Speaker 1: example of this bad thing that happens is I'm a 234 00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:53,480 Speaker 1: nine year old boy and I really want to spend 235 00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:56,080 Speaker 1: some time with my friends this weekend, playing and hanging 236 00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:59,839 Speaker 1: out and doing really cool stuff. And so I make 237 00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:01,920 Speaker 1: three phone calls to my three best friends and all 238 00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:05,480 Speaker 1: three of them say no. One of them is going 239 00:11:05,559 --> 00:11:07,880 Speaker 1: to a birthday party for a cousin that I don't know. 240 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:10,160 Speaker 1: So it's not like I've been rejected or anything. That's 241 00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:12,720 Speaker 1: just they've got something else going on, another one's got 242 00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:14,520 Speaker 1: a family day at the beach, and the third one 243 00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:17,280 Speaker 1: is in trouble and got grounded. Not that we would 244 00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:20,280 Speaker 1: ever encourage that, but you know, every family does things differently, 245 00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:23,600 Speaker 1: and so Paul, little nine year olds like I don't 246 00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:25,439 Speaker 1: get to play with anyone. And so the consequence of 247 00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:29,520 Speaker 1: this scenario is I've made three phone calls to my 248 00:11:29,559 --> 00:11:32,080 Speaker 1: three best friends and I've still got no play dates. 249 00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:34,640 Speaker 1: So that's the A and that's the CE. We've got 250 00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:39,000 Speaker 1: adversity and the consequences. I'm lonely. What's the B stand for? Well, 251 00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:42,800 Speaker 1: the B stands for belief? What do I believe about 252 00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:45,840 Speaker 1: the situation? See what happens when we've got stinking thinking 253 00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:50,040 Speaker 1: is bad stuff happens. We experience a bad outcome, and 254 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:54,480 Speaker 1: then we start to, I guess, create a story, create 255 00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:58,280 Speaker 1: a narrative, create this belief system that somehow it's about us, 256 00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:01,520 Speaker 1: it's our fault, there's something horrible that's gone on here. 257 00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:04,000 Speaker 1: And so the belief here for our nine year old 258 00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:08,080 Speaker 1: little buddy might be that I'm unpopular, nobody wants to 259 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:12,360 Speaker 1: play with me. Life isn't fair. I'm going to be isolated, 260 00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:15,240 Speaker 1: like it just feels yuck for him, and so the 261 00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:18,960 Speaker 1: adversity has created this belief and he believes that the 262 00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:23,480 Speaker 1: consequences are a result of this stinking thinking that's going on. 263 00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:26,160 Speaker 1: Our job as parents is to say, okay, so something 264 00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:29,760 Speaker 1: bad has occurred. The consequences are ugly, yucky, horrible. We 265 00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:34,480 Speaker 1: don't like the consequences, But what's the belief underlying that? Know, 266 00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:37,839 Speaker 1: did we create this bad outcome or did something else 267 00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:41,079 Speaker 1: happen outside of it? And when we understand the ABC's, 268 00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:46,800 Speaker 1: we can start to I guess, examine and fight against unproductive, unhelpful, 269 00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:47,720 Speaker 1: stinking thinking. 270 00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:50,600 Speaker 2: I really like that and I like that it kind 271 00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:54,480 Speaker 2: of there's a framework for us to work with. You 272 00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:59,400 Speaker 2: talk about, you know, negative attribution styles is a big 273 00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:03,880 Speaker 2: word for me, and positive attribution styles, and we'll talk 274 00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:06,200 Speaker 2: about a little bit about that and book club. But 275 00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:08,840 Speaker 2: I thought one thing that you actually didn't mention in 276 00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:11,840 Speaker 2: the book that I thought is really powerful and we 277 00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:15,120 Speaker 2: use it in our home most days, is you know, 278 00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:19,280 Speaker 2: having an attitude of gratitude and how important it is 279 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:22,200 Speaker 2: for us to recognize the positive things that are happening 280 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:25,720 Speaker 2: in our lives. And sometimes when we have a family 281 00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:28,280 Speaker 2: member or we all kind of you know, can fall 282 00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:30,640 Speaker 2: into the trap at times of having that stinking thinking. 283 00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:35,199 Speaker 2: By involving them in conversations where other people are able 284 00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:38,960 Speaker 2: to acknowledge positive things happening, it helps to lift their thinking. 285 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:40,880 Speaker 2: I know, as a parent, you know, we've had nights 286 00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:44,320 Speaker 2: where we're just like, today has sucked. It's just been 287 00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:46,760 Speaker 2: an awful day. And then you listen to the kids 288 00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:49,200 Speaker 2: one by one start to share the positive things that 289 00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:53,440 Speaker 2: have happened, and you realize that through their eyes, today 290 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:56,560 Speaker 2: actually hasn't sucked at all. We've actually achieved some really 291 00:13:56,559 --> 00:13:58,680 Speaker 2: cool things. But we get caught up in, you know, 292 00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:02,080 Speaker 2: the little things that didn't go And so I think gratitude. 293 00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:05,280 Speaker 2: I can't put enough emphasis on gratitude and how important 294 00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:05,560 Speaker 2: it is. 295 00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:10,560 Speaker 1: Yeah, where your attention goes, your energy flows, and stinking 296 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:12,800 Speaker 1: thinking just means that we're focused on all the you know, 297 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:15,520 Speaker 1: our attention is on all the horrible stuff that's going 298 00:14:15,559 --> 00:14:17,600 Speaker 1: on in our lives. And the more we put our 299 00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:21,280 Speaker 1: attention on that, the more energy is absorbed by that, 300 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:24,800 Speaker 1: and those negative things become energy vampires in our lives. 301 00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:28,000 Speaker 1: We need lots of positive energy that comes from examining 302 00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:30,360 Speaker 1: what our beliefs are. You know, did that bad thing 303 00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:33,080 Speaker 1: happen today because there's something the matter with me? Because 304 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:36,960 Speaker 1: I'm deficient, because I'm a loser. Sometimes our kids believe that. 305 00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:40,600 Speaker 1: Sometimes they hear that either at school or tragically even 306 00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:41,360 Speaker 1: in their own homes. 307 00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:42,920 Speaker 2: Or is it circumstantial? 308 00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:45,760 Speaker 1: Right? And if we can help them to understand that 309 00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:48,960 Speaker 1: things are not all about them, that they're really impersonal. 310 00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:51,520 Speaker 1: Sometimes bad stuff just happens, or that it was a 311 00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:54,800 Speaker 1: specific issue. It happened this time, but it didn't happen 312 00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:56,720 Speaker 1: last weekend when you rang one of your buddies. In fact, 313 00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:58,000 Speaker 1: you've got to hang out with a couple of your 314 00:14:58,000 --> 00:14:59,240 Speaker 1: friends at the park for a few hours. 315 00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:03,400 Speaker 2: Can plan ahead next time and give families. 316 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:06,600 Speaker 1: Instead of calling them on Saturday morning whatever it is. Yeah, 317 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:09,400 Speaker 1: that's right. And sometimes kids think, well, this is permanent, 318 00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:11,600 Speaker 1: this is what it's always going to be, but it isn't. 319 00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:14,760 Speaker 1: If we can help them to understand that those beliefs 320 00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:19,480 Speaker 1: are destructive, then suddenly different consequences come into their lives 321 00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:22,000 Speaker 1: because their attentions going into a different place and their 322 00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:23,560 Speaker 1: energy follows. 323 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:25,760 Speaker 2: You know, I know how much you loved me, quoting 324 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,520 Speaker 2: you I found a quote that I wanted. 325 00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:29,520 Speaker 1: To share you saying that I don't. I feel a 326 00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:32,160 Speaker 1: bit embarrassed by it, but that's fine. Quote me again. 327 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:32,880 Speaker 1: What did I say? 328 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:39,520 Speaker 2: Optimism can change our attitudes, which changes our actions, which 329 00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:41,160 Speaker 2: changes our reality. 330 00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:44,320 Speaker 1: Yeah, so let's have an optimistic attitude and life gets better. 331 00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:46,920 Speaker 1: Is that what you're saying? I didn say. That's what 332 00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:50,360 Speaker 1: I'm saying. Hey, book club is to tomorrow night. I 333 00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:52,960 Speaker 1: keep getting that wrong. Book club is tomorrow night for 334 00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:54,800 Speaker 1: our Happy Families members. We would love for you to 335 00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:57,360 Speaker 1: become a Happy Families member. Become part of the family. 336 00:15:57,920 --> 00:15:59,760 Speaker 1: You get to hang out with Kylie for the evening 337 00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:01,560 Speaker 1: to talk about what's in the book. Even if you 338 00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:03,920 Speaker 1: haven't bought the book yet, you'll still get loads out 339 00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:06,440 Speaker 1: of the conversation. And you can grab the book plus 340 00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:09,920 Speaker 1: the free workbook save twenty dollars. Just go to Happy 341 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:12,120 Speaker 1: Families dot com dot you and get all the information 342 00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:14,320 Speaker 1: there on both the book and the workbook and Happy 343 00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:17,720 Speaker 1: Families memberships. We really appreciate you listening to the podcast. 344 00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:19,720 Speaker 1: Thanks so much. We hope that this has been helpful. 345 00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:20,840 Speaker 1: Take home message. 346 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:26,200 Speaker 2: Self control can be taught. Yeah, and there's nothing like 347 00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:28,880 Speaker 2: a good dose of gratitude to help with that stinking 348 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:30,360 Speaker 2: thinking and optimism. 349 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,280 Speaker 1: Let's be happy about life. Let's find the joy because 350 00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:35,520 Speaker 1: it's there. We do hope that you've enjoyed the podcast, 351 00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:38,600 Speaker 1: share it with your friends, jump on a Apple Podcasts 352 00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:40,280 Speaker 1: and leave a rating and reviews so that other people 353 00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:42,960 Speaker 1: can find out about it. Our numbers growing, by the way, 354 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,560 Speaker 1: they've more than doubled since last year. And we were 355 00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:48,200 Speaker 1: already excited last year where well and truly in the 356 00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:51,360 Speaker 1: top one hundred Australian produced podcasts, and when starting to 357 00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:53,720 Speaker 1: knock on the door of the top one hundred podcasts 358 00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:56,200 Speaker 1: overall in this country, just thought i'd throw that out 359 00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:59,040 Speaker 1: there and I think it's because of you, Mishappy Families. 360 00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:03,840 Speaker 1: So our executive producer Craig Bruce, our producer Justin Ruland 361 00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:05,639 Speaker 1: from Bridge Media, we appreciate all the work that they 362 00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:08,120 Speaker 1: put into the podcast making it sound great. If you'd 363 00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:10,080 Speaker 1: like more information about all the stuff we've talked about, 364 00:17:10,119 --> 00:17:12,400 Speaker 1: you can get it at Happyfamilies dot com dot au.