1 00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:07,160 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the. 2 00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:11,000 Speaker 2: Time poor parent who just wants answers. Now here's this 3 00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:14,080 Speaker 2: little girl who wants to do something for her self. 4 00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:18,000 Speaker 2: It's called Independence. And now here's the stars of our show, 5 00:00:18,480 --> 00:00:19,360 Speaker 2: my mom and dad. 6 00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:22,600 Speaker 3: Well, I'm so excited our house is getting photos taken. 7 00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:25,600 Speaker 3: And because I've got so much to do in the office, 8 00:00:25,640 --> 00:00:27,840 Speaker 3: I've had to call a special favor in missus Happy 9 00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:31,760 Speaker 3: Families has left the coast and come back to the 10 00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:33,599 Speaker 3: house to get the house looking great for the photos. 11 00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:34,480 Speaker 1: The kids are at school. 12 00:00:34,479 --> 00:00:36,280 Speaker 3: We've only got a few hours, and I said, while 13 00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:38,440 Speaker 3: you're here, can we please record a podcast or two 14 00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:40,400 Speaker 3: or three because. 15 00:00:40,159 --> 00:00:42,120 Speaker 2: You're really really pushing it. You know about, don't you. 16 00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:44,080 Speaker 3: But it's so nice to have you in the studio 17 00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:46,240 Speaker 3: with me and to have proper sound audio quality. 18 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:47,600 Speaker 1: It's just so fantastic. 19 00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:51,000 Speaker 2: And I are radio to be concerned, and. 20 00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:54,520 Speaker 3: I know, I know that you've got lots to do 21 00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:57,320 Speaker 3: and I need to come and help you. But we've 22 00:00:57,320 --> 00:00:58,840 Speaker 3: got some really cool stuff to talk about over the 23 00:00:58,880 --> 00:01:01,400 Speaker 3: next couple of days, and we're going to put it 24 00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:03,400 Speaker 3: all together in this great recording session. 25 00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:05,360 Speaker 1: And I'm so excited. For those of you who are 26 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:05,760 Speaker 1: new to the. 27 00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:08,760 Speaker 3: Podcast, I'm justin and I'm Kylie. Oh my goodness, that 28 00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:11,160 Speaker 3: was so enthusiastic. You actually caught me by surprise. 29 00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:11,360 Speaker 1: Then. 30 00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:13,520 Speaker 3: I'm the founder of Happy Families dot com dot au 31 00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:18,000 Speaker 3: and the host of Channel nine's Parental Guidance, which season 32 00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:20,240 Speaker 3: two is coming up real soon. We're still looking for 33 00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:22,720 Speaker 3: one or two more families to join in, by the way, 34 00:01:22,840 --> 00:01:25,800 Speaker 3: so go and type in Parental Guidance Channel nine and 35 00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:28,360 Speaker 3: your Google search bar and sign up. We would love 36 00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:31,600 Speaker 3: to have some more families in there, Kylie. Today we're 37 00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:36,200 Speaker 3: having a conversation about something that absolutely blew up on 38 00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:37,919 Speaker 3: Facebook and Twitter last week. 39 00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:42,120 Speaker 2: It actually never ceases to amaze me. What gets people? 40 00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:44,640 Speaker 3: Yeah, the stuff that, yeah, I know, I doubt so. 41 00:01:44,959 --> 00:01:47,000 Speaker 3: I'm going to press play on this video. It's a 42 00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:48,960 Speaker 3: video of a little girl. I'm going to guess she's 43 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:53,160 Speaker 3: probably about two maybe maybe not even too maybe twenty 44 00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:57,760 Speaker 3: twenty two months, really little girl African American kids. She's 45 00:01:57,800 --> 00:01:59,440 Speaker 3: got a hair in the pig tails. I mean, she's 46 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:00,560 Speaker 3: just the you just kid. 47 00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:00,760 Speaker 1: Ever. 48 00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:04,520 Speaker 3: She's standing on a dining chair at the dining table, 49 00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:10,680 Speaker 3: and she is pouring juice a craping. It's like a 50 00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:13,000 Speaker 3: two or three littered bottle of juice, and it was 51 00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:16,360 Speaker 3: about half full when she started. She's pouring juice into 52 00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:19,399 Speaker 3: the cup. But right now I'm watching her go oh, 53 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:20,200 Speaker 3: that didn't work. 54 00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:24,240 Speaker 2: She gives it another guy. 55 00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:25,880 Speaker 1: I don't know if you heard that. That was the 56 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,840 Speaker 1: That was the juice splashing under the floor. 57 00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:30,840 Speaker 3: And she's got this grape big smile on her face, 58 00:02:30,919 --> 00:02:33,400 Speaker 3: like I'm doing it. The cup is filling, like she's 59 00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:35,680 Speaker 3: missing the cup mostly until she's down to the. 60 00:02:35,639 --> 00:02:37,280 Speaker 1: Last quarter of the bottle and all of a sudden 61 00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:42,560 Speaker 1: she's filling it up. She sets it all. 62 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:45,000 Speaker 3: She's so stoked about it. Then she picks it up 63 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:47,200 Speaker 3: one last time. There's only like I don't know, fifty 64 00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:49,360 Speaker 3: milli liters left, and she's like, yeah, I got this. 65 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:52,760 Speaker 1: That was the bottle. The empty bottle landing on the floor, and. 66 00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:55,560 Speaker 3: She picks up this glass of juice and starts to 67 00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:57,400 Speaker 3: sip at it. I mean, it's so full that it's 68 00:02:57,440 --> 00:03:01,239 Speaker 3: now ever flowing. There's red I think it's cranbridge. There's 69 00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:05,359 Speaker 3: red cranberry juice everywhere, all over the table. And then 70 00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:08,079 Speaker 3: at the end of it all, she kind of thrusts 71 00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:11,040 Speaker 3: her hip out of the side and punches the air 72 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:15,040 Speaker 3: like yes, Yes, I did it. This thing has had 73 00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:18,000 Speaker 3: eleven point four million views. That's been retweeted on Twitter 74 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:21,280 Speaker 3: thirty three point seven thousand times. 75 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:23,440 Speaker 1: It's had two hundred and eighty four thousand likes. 76 00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:27,040 Speaker 3: I mean, a little kid pouring juice into a class 77 00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:27,919 Speaker 3: and making a mess. 78 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:31,120 Speaker 1: Who would have thought that it could go that viral, But. 79 00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:37,520 Speaker 3: Kylie when we shared it on the Happy Family's Facebook page. Now, 80 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:42,320 Speaker 3: now let's just be clear about one thing. Social media 81 00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:45,920 Speaker 3: goes sideways no matter what you say, Like it's really 82 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:48,240 Speaker 3: really hard to get a social media post where somebody 83 00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:52,160 Speaker 3: doesn't have something to say that's negative about it. And 84 00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:55,520 Speaker 3: this thing blew up with some people being so happy 85 00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:59,040 Speaker 3: and some people being really upset about what. 86 00:03:59,080 --> 00:03:59,560 Speaker 1: Was going on. 87 00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:04,360 Speaker 2: As a young mum, the thought of having my todd 88 00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:09,960 Speaker 2: love poor two liters of juice all over the table 89 00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:16,560 Speaker 2: and floor would have probably sent me to an asylum. 90 00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:20,279 Speaker 2: I just don't think that I could have coped with that. 91 00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:23,080 Speaker 1: So let's be serious about it for a second. 92 00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:26,120 Speaker 3: Some people were really really upset that it was a 93 00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:27,840 Speaker 3: waste of juice, it was a waste of money, it 94 00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:29,680 Speaker 3: was a whole lot of mess and why would you 95 00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:31,839 Speaker 3: let your child do that with a body? Now, not 96 00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:33,440 Speaker 3: to be clear, it wasn't full. It was only about 97 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,640 Speaker 3: half full when she began. So it's not like. 98 00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:37,560 Speaker 2: But it's an adult sized bottle. 99 00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:39,720 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, for sure, for sure. 100 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:42,360 Speaker 3: So the jug is half full, that the bottle is 101 00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:44,440 Speaker 3: half full, and juice is messy and sticking. 102 00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:45,320 Speaker 1: It's also expensive. 103 00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:47,040 Speaker 3: And you and I were having a conversation about it, 104 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:49,599 Speaker 3: and you said, when you were in your past life 105 00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:53,240 Speaker 3: as a childcare worker, sometimes people get offended when you'd 106 00:04:53,279 --> 00:04:54,840 Speaker 3: send time macaroni necklaces. 107 00:04:55,279 --> 00:04:59,200 Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, there are so many different cultures and 108 00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:03,200 Speaker 2: life style choices. And for people who you know, are 109 00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:05,680 Speaker 2: struggling from wheat to weeat to food on the table. 110 00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:07,680 Speaker 3: Or who have come from have come from countries where 111 00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:09,719 Speaker 3: you just don't have enough food to turn the food 112 00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:11,440 Speaker 3: into a necklace and a plaything. 113 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:15,440 Speaker 2: Just to see their kids playing with food is really offensive. 114 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:18,480 Speaker 2: It really kind of you know, cuts to the core 115 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,560 Speaker 2: of the things that they feel important about. 116 00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:23,400 Speaker 3: So when we think about this scenario, what we're actually 117 00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:26,560 Speaker 3: talking about is a mum is videoing her little girl, 118 00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:30,000 Speaker 3: but she's teaching her a concept. She's teaching her daughter 119 00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:32,560 Speaker 3: to pour from a bottle into a glass, And you 120 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:35,719 Speaker 3: might say, well, is it developmentally appropriate to teach a 121 00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:38,880 Speaker 3: two year old to actually do this? And if you 122 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:40,240 Speaker 3: were going to do it, wouldn't you do it outside? 123 00:05:40,279 --> 00:05:41,600 Speaker 3: And when you do it with a plastic cup, and 124 00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:43,320 Speaker 3: when you do it with a whole lot less water 125 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:45,359 Speaker 3: not juice, so you're not going to have the sticky mess. 126 00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:47,000 Speaker 3: So we just want to we want to highlight at 127 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:49,480 Speaker 3: the outset. We get it, We know that's the obvious 128 00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:52,039 Speaker 3: stuff that we can talk about and for people who've 129 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:56,919 Speaker 3: found that challenging to watch, fair enough, not necessarily what 130 00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:59,119 Speaker 3: the point of it was all about, but fair enough, 131 00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:01,440 Speaker 3: we get that it's inconvenient and when you're a young mum, 132 00:06:01,839 --> 00:06:04,200 Speaker 3: who's really got time to clean up that much juice 133 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:06,560 Speaker 3: off the floor, and how hard is it because it's 134 00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:09,159 Speaker 3: so sticky? But the real purpose of us talking about 135 00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:11,599 Speaker 3: it here on the podcast and the purpose of sharing 136 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:15,960 Speaker 3: the video on Facebook is because we've got to give 137 00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:17,960 Speaker 3: our kids the opportunity to grow, the opportunity to learn, 138 00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:21,839 Speaker 3: and often it's through making those kinds of mistakes and 139 00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:23,680 Speaker 3: making the big mess that goes along with those kinds 140 00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:26,440 Speaker 3: of mistakes that really makes a difference. 141 00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:29,200 Speaker 2: Sometimes I think we just get so caught up in 142 00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:31,920 Speaker 2: the nitty gritty of things, like the real specificness of 143 00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:33,760 Speaker 2: what's happening in that video. 144 00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:36,640 Speaker 3: Can I be really specificness right now? It's not a word, 145 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:39,760 Speaker 3: not even a word, but I know what you mean. 146 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:43,960 Speaker 3: Sometimes on Facebook or social media generally, people will be 147 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,599 Speaker 3: like that. I've got a problem with that. Without stepping 148 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:47,640 Speaker 3: back a little bit. 149 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:50,480 Speaker 2: It's a bigger picture here, right here's this little girl 150 00:06:50,839 --> 00:06:54,120 Speaker 2: who wants to do something for her self. It's called independence. 151 00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:56,480 Speaker 2: And she's only not even two. 152 00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:59,880 Speaker 3: Yeah, I think though, I mean, do you hand it 153 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,120 Speaker 3: two year old? Let's just get caught up on this 154 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:03,880 Speaker 3: like everyone else for a second. Do you hand a 155 00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:07,440 Speaker 3: two year old half a bottle of juice adult size 156 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:09,560 Speaker 3: and expected to be able to pour it and get 157 00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:09,920 Speaker 3: it right? 158 00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:12,600 Speaker 2: No, you don't. But her mum didn't expect her to 159 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:12,920 Speaker 2: pour it. 160 00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:15,480 Speaker 3: Let's change the context. Let's say you're going to teach 161 00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:17,160 Speaker 3: the kids to drive. I mean, do you just hand 162 00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:19,040 Speaker 3: them the keys and say, hop in the driver's seat, 163 00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:20,000 Speaker 3: let's see what you've got. 164 00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:22,200 Speaker 2: That's exactly what you do. Actually, now, do you mention 165 00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:25,800 Speaker 2: it that's exactly what you do. You literally put them 166 00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:29,760 Speaker 2: in outside of your house, probably the most expensive. 167 00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:32,160 Speaker 1: Commodity that you own, yep, with. 168 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:34,720 Speaker 2: A set of keys, with you sitting that. They literally 169 00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:36,040 Speaker 2: are in charge of your life. 170 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:37,600 Speaker 1: They've got complete control, haven't they. 171 00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:39,000 Speaker 2: That's exactly what you do. 172 00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:40,920 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, they do. 173 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:43,800 Speaker 3: But then there's probably a little bit more instruction. I mean, 174 00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:46,240 Speaker 3: as you heard from that clip, the mum didn't give 175 00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:47,000 Speaker 3: any instructions. 176 00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:49,000 Speaker 2: But you don't know whether it was the first time 177 00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:51,240 Speaker 2: or the third. Of course, you don't know what happened. 178 00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:53,600 Speaker 2: And that's it. You're looking at like one little snippet, 179 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,000 Speaker 2: did she clean it up at the other and we 180 00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:56,360 Speaker 2: don't know it stopped? 181 00:07:56,480 --> 00:07:59,200 Speaker 3: Yeah, and I've got I've got four kids that I've 182 00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:02,200 Speaker 3: taught to drive now and I literally now, I mean, 183 00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:04,800 Speaker 3: I was using this against you, but now I'm completely 184 00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:07,680 Speaker 3: in agreement with you. I've handed them the keys, I've 185 00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:10,200 Speaker 3: driven them to a quiet street. I've put them somewhere safe, 186 00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:12,200 Speaker 3: which is what that mum did. And I've known that 187 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:14,680 Speaker 3: they're probably gonna make a lot of mistakes, but I've 188 00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:16,920 Speaker 3: given them the keys, shown them how the clutch works, 189 00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:19,760 Speaker 3: and then I've said, let's do this all we. 190 00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:21,680 Speaker 2: Know she'd put tows down before she even gave me. 191 00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:24,000 Speaker 3: It didn't sound like towers are on that floor based 192 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:25,680 Speaker 3: on this flash. Oh, come on, go with me, all right, 193 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:27,960 Speaker 3: after the break, we're going to talk about the psychology 194 00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:30,920 Speaker 3: of how we help our kids to develop competence, why 195 00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,680 Speaker 3: it matters, and why we both actually think that this 196 00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:38,480 Speaker 3: mum did something awesome. It's their Happy Families podcast. 197 00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:42,040 Speaker 2: For a happier family, Try a Happy Families membership, because 198 00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:45,800 Speaker 2: a happy family doesn't just happen. Details at happy families 199 00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:49,480 Speaker 2: dot com dot au. It's the Happy Families podcast, the 200 00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:51,760 Speaker 2: podcast for the time poor parent who just wants answers 201 00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:53,600 Speaker 2: now And as long as I'm not cleaning. 202 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:55,280 Speaker 1: Up juice, it's a great video to watch. 203 00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:57,440 Speaker 2: It's an awesome videot to watch. 204 00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:00,240 Speaker 3: All right, So I'm going to step into doctor justin 205 00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:02,440 Speaker 3: call some lecture mode for a couple of minutes here, Okay, 206 00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:05,440 Speaker 3: but feel free to don't let me dominate. I don't 207 00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:07,360 Speaker 3: want a man's plain here. I want to be helpful. 208 00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:11,360 Speaker 3: So we have a basic psychological need for competence, and 209 00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:13,800 Speaker 3: we are born with it from the minute our children 210 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,560 Speaker 3: well maybe not from the very minute, but their brains 211 00:09:16,559 --> 00:09:19,840 Speaker 3: are working and work trying to decipher and understand the environment, 212 00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:22,800 Speaker 3: and as soon as they start to develop, they want 213 00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:26,760 Speaker 3: to be in control. They want to increase in their capacity. 214 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,160 Speaker 3: This is why they keep on trying to learn to 215 00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:31,600 Speaker 3: walk or to crawl, or to maneuver, or to lift 216 00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:34,280 Speaker 3: or to grasp or whatever. They're developing competence. 217 00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:37,760 Speaker 2: And I think that video shows that so beautifully. Yeah, 218 00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:40,400 Speaker 2: especially there's a desire. 219 00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:41,560 Speaker 3: She wants to do it, and the fizz pump at 220 00:09:41,559 --> 00:09:44,120 Speaker 3: the end when she's done it, She's like, yes, I'm competent. 221 00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:46,800 Speaker 2: Who doesn't want to feel competent? Like who does not 222 00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:49,120 Speaker 2: want to have that rush of going I did that? 223 00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:51,800 Speaker 3: And the research shows that when we stifle our kids' 224 00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:54,079 Speaker 3: opportunities to develop competence and we say, hang on, I'll 225 00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:56,000 Speaker 3: do that when we helicopter, when we have, and when 226 00:09:56,000 --> 00:10:00,000 Speaker 3: we stop, when we control, we undermine their sense of competence, 227 00:10:00,559 --> 00:10:03,560 Speaker 3: which is bad for their a motivation and be their 228 00:10:03,559 --> 00:10:04,600 Speaker 3: resilience and well being. 229 00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:07,960 Speaker 2: If I just kind of walked into that room halfway 230 00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:10,120 Speaker 2: through because she was making a mess and freaking out, 231 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:12,440 Speaker 2: and I had have done what most of us would 232 00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:15,160 Speaker 2: do in any moment of that video, so. 233 00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:18,720 Speaker 1: Stop what are you doing? Or put that down or gone. 234 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:21,000 Speaker 2: And used my hands to help her. What would have 235 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,880 Speaker 2: happened in about nine times out of ten. 236 00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:26,000 Speaker 3: What would have happened is you wouldn't have had any mess, 237 00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:27,679 Speaker 3: but you wouldn't have had a child who was developing 238 00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:28,319 Speaker 3: the competence. 239 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:30,200 Speaker 2: That's not the answer I want to doctor Justin Coleson, 240 00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:31,520 Speaker 2: what are you looking for? I would have had a 241 00:10:31,559 --> 00:10:34,640 Speaker 2: tantruming two year old who was screaming at me saying 242 00:10:34,679 --> 00:10:36,040 Speaker 2: I want to do it myself. 243 00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:37,240 Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. 244 00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:41,520 Speaker 3: Because competence, like and autonomy, these two basic psychological needs. 245 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:44,400 Speaker 3: So if we want to help our kids to develop competence, 246 00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:45,839 Speaker 3: we have to expect that they're going to make a 247 00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:47,880 Speaker 3: mess all over the floor, and we've got to be 248 00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:48,440 Speaker 3: okay with that. 249 00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:50,800 Speaker 1: Now, there are things that we can do to the car, 250 00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,080 Speaker 1: or there are. 251 00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:54,800 Speaker 3: Things that we can do to minimize the likelihood of 252 00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:58,160 Speaker 3: this happening, or at least minimize the significance of the 253 00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:02,080 Speaker 3: consequences of the mistakes. So, for example, you could use water, 254 00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:03,600 Speaker 3: and you could use a plastic cup, and you could 255 00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:05,079 Speaker 3: do it outside or. 256 00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:05,520 Speaker 2: In the bath. 257 00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:09,760 Speaker 3: Sure, sure, and so that minimizes but we still want 258 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,920 Speaker 3: them to have the failure experiences because they're going to 259 00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:14,080 Speaker 3: learn more from having the failure experience. And I love 260 00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:16,040 Speaker 3: I mean, the mum's given a half a bottle of juice, 261 00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:17,920 Speaker 3: not a full bottle. Can you imagine if we've got 262 00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:19,240 Speaker 3: a two year old trying to pour out a two 263 00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:22,679 Speaker 3: lead a bottle of juice. Two big, too heavy, impossible, 264 00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:25,120 Speaker 3: but half a bottle, It's doable. Second thing that I 265 00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:29,760 Speaker 3: want to highlight is what Vaygotsky called the zone of 266 00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:34,880 Speaker 3: proximal development. And what that is is basically, there's something 267 00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:37,120 Speaker 3: that a child is capable of and they can do 268 00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:39,640 Speaker 3: it without any support at all. And then there's something 269 00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:42,320 Speaker 3: that a child is only capable of if they have 270 00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:45,600 Speaker 3: a little bit of assistance, a little bit of additional support, 271 00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:49,240 Speaker 3: what psychologists will often call scaffolding. And when we get 272 00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:53,520 Speaker 3: our kids working in the zone of proximal development, what 273 00:11:53,559 --> 00:11:56,720 Speaker 3: that means is that we're giving them the room to 274 00:11:56,920 --> 00:12:00,199 Speaker 3: stretch to do something that they couldn't do, but we're 275 00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:01,880 Speaker 3: setting them up in a way that they've got that 276 00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:04,959 Speaker 3: little bit of supervision. And my favorite way of describing 277 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,360 Speaker 3: it is when I use the balance beam analogy, which 278 00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:10,960 Speaker 3: is Basically, when if we can use this as a metaphor, 279 00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:13,360 Speaker 3: our children are walking across a balance beam that we 280 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:16,800 Speaker 3: call the balance beam of life. And what a lot 281 00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:19,200 Speaker 3: of parents do is when their kids start to fall 282 00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:22,520 Speaker 3: off the balance beam, they jump up onto that balance 283 00:12:22,520 --> 00:12:23,880 Speaker 3: beam and they pick them up and they say, don't worry, 284 00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:25,600 Speaker 3: I've got you. You're safe, and they carry them across 285 00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:28,520 Speaker 3: the balance beam. But we can't carry our kids across 286 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:31,839 Speaker 3: the balance beam of life. They actually have to take 287 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:34,839 Speaker 3: those steps themselves. It's through taking the steps that they 288 00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:37,920 Speaker 3: develop and grow and build competence. Some parents have an 289 00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:41,520 Speaker 3: opposite response, completely other end of the spectrum, and they say, oh, 290 00:12:41,559 --> 00:12:43,120 Speaker 3: it looks like they're going to fall. Oh a bit, 291 00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:45,280 Speaker 3: that hurt, and they let them make all the mistakes 292 00:12:45,280 --> 00:12:47,800 Speaker 3: in the world. And sometimes that's really bad because the 293 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:51,080 Speaker 3: fall from the balance beam can be really, really harmful. 294 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:54,000 Speaker 3: That's the tough en uugh princess kind of approach to 295 00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:57,920 Speaker 3: resilience and to life. But in a perfect world, what 296 00:12:57,920 --> 00:12:59,920 Speaker 3: we would do instead is we would walk beside our 297 00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:03,240 Speaker 3: children as they walk along that balance beam, and as 298 00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:06,120 Speaker 3: they start to tip or stumble, we might reach out 299 00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:09,160 Speaker 3: and just let them lean against our hand. For support 300 00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:15,000 Speaker 3: so they don't fall without actually lifting them and without 301 00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:18,520 Speaker 3: letting them fall. In other words, they make the mistake, 302 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:21,480 Speaker 3: they stumble, but instead of hitting the ground, they get 303 00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:24,960 Speaker 3: to lean against our hand, recover, have a look at 304 00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,400 Speaker 3: what they've done wrong. Then we take our hand away 305 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,480 Speaker 3: so they can take the next step on their own. 306 00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:32,839 Speaker 2: I think so often as parents, and I am as 307 00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:36,560 Speaker 2: guilty as the next person to do this, we limit 308 00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:42,000 Speaker 2: our kids' capacity because we're scared that they're going to fail. Yeah, 309 00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:45,480 Speaker 2: we're scared, Yes, we're scared they're going to fail. Or 310 00:13:45,640 --> 00:13:48,880 Speaker 2: we're scared that they're going to make a mess of things. 311 00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:53,600 Speaker 2: And if you hadn't asked everybody at the beginning of 312 00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,920 Speaker 2: that video, before they'd seen it, whether they thought she 313 00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:59,199 Speaker 2: was capable of pouring glass of juice, I reckon most 314 00:13:59,240 --> 00:13:59,880 Speaker 2: people would have said. 315 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:03,280 Speaker 3: And even if they said yes, would people give her 316 00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:05,880 Speaker 3: the bottle and say, okay, let's see. So it's one 317 00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:08,000 Speaker 3: thing to say yes, capable, it's another thing to say 318 00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:09,120 Speaker 3: and I'm going to let you try. 319 00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:11,280 Speaker 1: And that's the thing. 320 00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:14,360 Speaker 3: How many of our lives, I mean, we are who 321 00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:17,280 Speaker 3: we are to such a large extent because of the 322 00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:21,880 Speaker 3: mistakes we've made because of the errors, the fumbles, the missteps, 323 00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:25,400 Speaker 3: And I just love this video because it highlights that 324 00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:28,440 Speaker 3: if we let our kids make the mistakes, they'll figure 325 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:32,480 Speaker 3: it out. And the crowning moment is the bit where 326 00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:35,200 Speaker 3: they do figure it out and they raise their hand 327 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:38,040 Speaker 3: in the air and pump the air like, yeah, baby, 328 00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:38,880 Speaker 3: I'm the champion. 329 00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:41,040 Speaker 1: I got this. I feel competent. 330 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:43,200 Speaker 2: It's my victory. 331 00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:44,600 Speaker 1: We hope you enjoy this podcast. 332 00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:46,760 Speaker 3: We will link to the clip in case you missed 333 00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:49,320 Speaker 3: it in our show notes. The Happy Family's podcast is 334 00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:52,120 Speaker 3: produced by Justin Ruhland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is 335 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:55,160 Speaker 3: our executive producer and if you like Laura in fact 336 00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:57,880 Speaker 3: about making your family happier, please visit us at Happy 337 00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:03,200 Speaker 3: families dot com dot au, people bet