1
00:00:02,880 --> 00:00:07,760
Speaker 1: This is the all new Positivity Podcast, Episode ten. Hello,

2
00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:10,560
Speaker 1: my name is doctor Justin Coulson, and welcome to the

3
00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:14,880
Speaker 1: podcast that's dedicated to making your life, your work, and.

4
00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:17,800
Speaker 2: Your family happier. I think that it's fair to say.

5
00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:20,120
Speaker 1: That we all want to be happy, and maybe we

6
00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:22,040
Speaker 1: even want to be happy er.

7
00:00:23,239 --> 00:00:24,200
Speaker 2: But how do we get there?

8
00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:30,200
Speaker 1: What can we do to make ourselves lastingly happier? Is

9
00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:33,919
Speaker 1: it even possible to increase our happiness and keep it

10
00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:37,360
Speaker 1: at a new heightened level. Well, today we're going to

11
00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:41,120
Speaker 1: explore three orientations to happiness, or maybe we might call

12
00:00:41,159 --> 00:00:45,400
Speaker 1: them pathways. In addition, in my ask Doctor justin segment,

13
00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:47,040
Speaker 1: I'm going to help out a parent who's struggling with

14
00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:50,120
Speaker 1: a six year old daughter who she says is.

15
00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:51,760
Speaker 2: Out of control.

16
00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:54,760
Speaker 1: And by the way, I've had some feedback that the

17
00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:56,720
Speaker 1: podcasts are just a little bit on the long side,

18
00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:58,520
Speaker 1: so I'm going to try and remedy that by cutting

19
00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:01,760
Speaker 1: the length of the podcast in half. I'm shooting for

20
00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:05,160
Speaker 1: ten to fifteen minutes instead of twenty to thirty. Let's

21
00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:08,800
Speaker 1: see how we go up next the Positivity Podcast and

22
00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:11,280
Speaker 1: looking at different ways to be happy.

23
00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:14,520
Speaker 3: We all love our children that sometimes they can make

24
00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:17,320
Speaker 3: life challenging and we're all searching for the right answers.

25
00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:19,840
Speaker 3: In the end, all we want is happy children and

26
00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:23,399
Speaker 3: happy families. Doctor Justin Coilson is one of Australia's most

27
00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:27,600
Speaker 3: respected parenting voices. He's seminars of equipped and empowered thousands

28
00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:31,000
Speaker 3: of parents to make their families happier. But sometimes getting

29
00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:33,920
Speaker 3: to a parenting seminar can be tough. There's work and

30
00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:35,679
Speaker 3: other commitments. Then there's the.

31
00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:37,600
Speaker 2: Issue of the children and babysitters.

32
00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:40,600
Speaker 3: Now you can watch one of doctor Justin's seminars from

33
00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:43,040
Speaker 3: the comfort of your own home and at a time

34
00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:46,920
Speaker 3: that works for you. In this seminar video available online Now,

35
00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:49,600
Speaker 3: you're invited to sit in on one of doctor Justin's

36
00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:53,040
Speaker 3: parenting seminars as he takes you from confusion to clarity.

37
00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:57,640
Speaker 3: Combining parenting research with heartfelt stories, you'll discover the three

38
00:01:57,720 --> 00:02:00,480
Speaker 3: essential keys to raising a resilient child's and.

39
00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:01,680
Speaker 2: Creating a happy family.

40
00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:04,600
Speaker 3: You learn how to build a strong connection with your children,

41
00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:07,720
Speaker 3: had to really understand them, and how to get discipline

42
00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:11,079
Speaker 3: rights what your child needs from you. A seminar from

43
00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:15,240
Speaker 3: doctor Justin Kilson at Justinkilson dot com. Download this ninety

44
00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:19,840
Speaker 3: minute seminar now or purchase the DVD at Justinkilson dot com.

45
00:02:19,919 --> 00:02:22,000
Speaker 1: Is there a way to be happy that feels best

46
00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:25,000
Speaker 1: for you? Do do you find that you seek happiness

47
00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:28,519
Speaker 1: in the same predictable patterns and how is that working

48
00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:29,000
Speaker 1: out for you?

49
00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:30,200
Speaker 2: As an idea.

50
00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:32,359
Speaker 1: Once upon a time, I used to love to stay

51
00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:34,320
Speaker 1: up on Friday night and watch the football, not just

52
00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:37,400
Speaker 1: one game, but both games. Come Saturday morning, all that

53
00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:39,959
Speaker 1: fun that I'd had the previous night munching on ice

54
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:42,800
Speaker 1: cream watching a good game came back to bite me.

55
00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:44,760
Speaker 2: I was tired, I was cranky, and I was not

56
00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:45,519
Speaker 2: happy at all.

57
00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:48,400
Speaker 1: I discovered that the way that I was seeking happiness

58
00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:52,040
Speaker 1: was not actually making me happy other than in the moment.

59
00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:56,880
Speaker 1: Well Over recent decades, researchers have considered the different ways

60
00:02:56,960 --> 00:03:00,000
Speaker 1: that we might be oriented to happiness, and that developed

61
00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:02,880
Speaker 1: it's a model of three orientations, or I like to

62
00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:05,240
Speaker 1: call them a three pathways to happiness, and we're going

63
00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:06,000
Speaker 1: to explore.

64
00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:06,399
Speaker 2: Them briefly here.

65
00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:10,120
Speaker 1: The first pathway is what we might call hedonic happiness,

66
00:03:10,639 --> 00:03:12,600
Speaker 1: and this is a pretty good fit for the kind

67
00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:14,480
Speaker 1: of happiness that I was pursuing. I was staying up

68
00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:16,920
Speaker 1: all night then I was sleeping in. But it's all

69
00:03:16,919 --> 00:03:21,240
Speaker 1: about doing what feels good. It's about avoiding pain. As

70
00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:24,600
Speaker 1: I discovered, there are some problems with hedonic happiness. It's

71
00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:28,320
Speaker 1: nice to have it, but eventually, ongoing hedonia, when it

72
00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:32,840
Speaker 1: is our only purpose, will eventually be our undoing. It'll

73
00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:36,560
Speaker 1: stop bringing joy, it will start bringing pain because it

74
00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:39,760
Speaker 1: leads to things like alcohol and drug abuse. It leads

75
00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:43,920
Speaker 1: to issues around intimacy. If I'm only seeking pleasure and

76
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:46,680
Speaker 1: avoiding pain, then I'll probably make some poor choices when

77
00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:49,960
Speaker 1: it comes to my relationships and even slothfulness.

78
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:52,480
Speaker 2: I mean, if you just want to do what feels good,

79
00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:53,480
Speaker 2: you're never going to tidy.

80
00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:58,520
Speaker 1: There's never going to be any any industrious work take

81
00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:01,360
Speaker 1: place because quite often the hard work of thinking or

82
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:05,520
Speaker 1: doing other challenging tasks requires a lot of work that

83
00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:09,680
Speaker 1: requires a lot of pain. Research shows that the hedonic

84
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:13,640
Speaker 1: process to happiness or pathway to happiness, or a hedonic

85
00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:17,080
Speaker 1: orientation to happiness certainly makes us feel good in here

86
00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:20,560
Speaker 1: and now, but over time it can lead to poor

87
00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:23,839
Speaker 1: outcomes if it's the only orientation.

88
00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:24,960
Speaker 2: Or pathway to happiness that we use.

89
00:04:25,839 --> 00:04:28,880
Speaker 1: Now, the second orientation to happiness is what we might

90
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:30,040
Speaker 1: call engagement.

91
00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:32,039
Speaker 2: This is when we get right into.

92
00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:35,600
Speaker 1: Life and we get really absorbed in the tasks that

93
00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:40,839
Speaker 1: we're engaging in. Me High Chick cent Mahig, I'm not

94
00:04:40,839 --> 00:04:43,000
Speaker 1: sure if I've pronounced his name correctly, even though I've

95
00:04:43,279 --> 00:04:46,279
Speaker 1: read it a million times is probably one of the

96
00:04:46,279 --> 00:04:50,320
Speaker 1: world's leading researchers on the concept of flow. You know,

97
00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:52,279
Speaker 1: when you're doing something and you lose track of time,

98
00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:54,800
Speaker 1: you get completely into it. You forget that you need

99
00:04:54,839 --> 00:04:56,919
Speaker 1: to eat, You forget that you're supposed to be somewhere

100
00:04:56,960 --> 00:05:00,600
Speaker 1: doing something else because what you're doing is so engaging

101
00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:04,040
Speaker 1: and you are so absorbed in it. Well, Chick sent

102
00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:08,640
Speaker 1: Mahai calls that flow. Todd Cashton one of my favorite researchers.

103
00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:11,120
Speaker 1: I mentioned him regularly on the podcast, and Jeffrey Frow.

104
00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:15,400
Speaker 1: They look at engaged living and call it task absorption.

105
00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:19,839
Speaker 1: This is something that can can really be a powerful

106
00:05:19,839 --> 00:05:22,320
Speaker 1: way to be happy in our lives, because the more

107
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:24,320
Speaker 1: engaged we are with something, the more we switched on

108
00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:27,000
Speaker 1: to it, the better we feel about life. Now, there

109
00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:29,240
Speaker 1: are positives and negatives to flow, just like there are

110
00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:33,960
Speaker 1: positives and negatives to hedonic happiness. For example, we might

111
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:38,599
Speaker 1: get into the flow of gaming or gambling. Neither of

112
00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:41,920
Speaker 1: those things are going to lead to positive outcomes over

113
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:47,839
Speaker 1: time because of the potentially destructive mechanisms that operate within them.

114
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:50,680
Speaker 2: We can also get into flow with work, which may

115
00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:51,360
Speaker 2: be good, but then.

116
00:05:51,279 --> 00:05:53,000
Speaker 1: Again it might also be bad because of the way

117
00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:55,000
Speaker 1: it impacts on relationships and time with others.

118
00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:56,480
Speaker 2: Some people get it cooking.

119
00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:59,799
Speaker 1: I get it speaking to audiences about wellbeing and parenting,

120
00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:02,960
Speaker 1: coaching parents on how to make their families happier. But

121
00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:07,560
Speaker 1: engagement can be a powerful pathway or orientation to happiness

122
00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:11,039
Speaker 1: and the third way that we can make ourselves happy.

123
00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:14,520
Speaker 1: The third orientation to happiness is what we would call

124
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:18,920
Speaker 1: you daemonia. That's what Aristotle called it. We might simply

125
00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:22,080
Speaker 1: call it in our modern day parlance doing good things

126
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:25,960
Speaker 1: and living a virtuous life. Last podcast or sorry the

127
00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:30,360
Speaker 1: podcast before I talked about the bizarre secret to happiness,

128
00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:34,400
Speaker 1: which was doing kind deeds, helping other people out out

129
00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:39,800
Speaker 1: and this concept of living a virtuous life. Participating in

130
00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:45,000
Speaker 1: meaningful pursuits versus hedonic pursuits is a really powerful way

131
00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:47,760
Speaker 1: to be happy. It's all about virtues, it's all about

132
00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:51,120
Speaker 1: building character. There can be the drawback of not being

133
00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:53,760
Speaker 1: able to do what feels great right here and right now,

134
00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:56,479
Speaker 1: and that's no fun sometimes because we really want to

135
00:06:56,480 --> 00:07:00,840
Speaker 1: do what feels good. But with that decision comes to

136
00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:05,000
Speaker 1: confirmation within that character is being developed and we actually

137
00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:08,120
Speaker 1: feel good because we're saying not toe something less important

138
00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:12,120
Speaker 1: in order to do something more important. They're the three

139
00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:15,560
Speaker 1: pathways to happiness, or the three orientations to happiness. There's

140
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:21,240
Speaker 1: hedonia or chasing the pleasure, there's engagement or flow task absorption,

141
00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:25,040
Speaker 1: and there's doing good or you'd ammonia. So my question

142
00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:28,360
Speaker 1: for you today is this what makes you happy? It's

143
00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:30,800
Speaker 1: that simple. Perhaps something that makes you happy is something

144
00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:32,800
Speaker 1: that someone else who's listening has never.

145
00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:33,880
Speaker 2: Thought of trying before.

146
00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:37,160
Speaker 1: Leave your answer at Justin Coulson dot com, slash podcast

147
00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:42,120
Speaker 1: slash ten. That's the number ten Justinculson dot com, slash

148
00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:45,760
Speaker 1: podcast slash ten and add up. Next, I'll help out

149
00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:47,800
Speaker 1: a parent who's struggling with a six year old who

150
00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:50,480
Speaker 1: is lashing out and being terribly difficult.

151
00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:53,440
Speaker 4: Most children are born curious and confident. They love to

152
00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:56,119
Speaker 4: explore the world, mean new friends, and try new things.

153
00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:59,280
Speaker 4: But between the ages of two and twelve, confidence often

154
00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:02,000
Speaker 4: drops off. Why is this and how can we rebuild it?

155
00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:06,200
Speaker 4: Creating Confident Kids Scientific Strategies for Building Self Belief in

156
00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:09,160
Speaker 4: Children is an easy to read ebook for busy parents.

157
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:12,560
Speaker 4: In this ebook, Doctor Justin Coulson shares simple strategies to

158
00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:15,960
Speaker 4: create confidence in kids, using his skill at simplifying the

159
00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:18,640
Speaker 4: science and a lot of straight from the hard stories,

160
00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:22,200
Speaker 4: you discover the five biggest confidence crushes, the five best

161
00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:26,320
Speaker 4: confidence boosters, and twenty questions to clearly identify your child's

162
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:29,600
Speaker 4: view of their family identity. Plus a bonus chapter to

163
00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:33,480
Speaker 4: share surprising confidence boosters for people of all ages. Creating

164
00:08:33,559 --> 00:08:37,640
Speaker 4: Confident Kids at major online booksellers now or at Justinculson

165
00:08:37,679 --> 00:08:38,199
Speaker 4: dot com.

166
00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:41,199
Speaker 1: I received this doctor Justin request via email during the

167
00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:43,240
Speaker 1: week high Doctor Justin, just wondering if you can help

168
00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:46,480
Speaker 1: with behavioral issues we're having with our six year old daughter.

169
00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:49,400
Speaker 1: She's always been difficult, but lately she seems out of

170
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:51,520
Speaker 1: control and we don't.

171
00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:52,000
Speaker 2: Know what to do.

172
00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:54,920
Speaker 1: She yells, she refuses to do anything we say, She

173
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:57,040
Speaker 1: cries or screams when she doesn't get her own way.

174
00:08:57,920 --> 00:08:59,719
Speaker 1: She speaks to me like I'm here to serve her

175
00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:02,400
Speaker 1: man's things of me with no manners in a very

176
00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:05,440
Speaker 1: rude tone. She tells me she hates me, calls me

177
00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:09,280
Speaker 1: offensive names, says that I'm selfish. This is a six

178
00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:11,400
Speaker 1: year old girl we're talking about here. She consistently hurts

179
00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:14,400
Speaker 1: her brothers and sister and uses a horrible tone and

180
00:09:14,559 --> 00:09:17,400
Speaker 1: orders them around. That all aside, she can be a lovely,

181
00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:18,120
Speaker 1: sweet girl at.

182
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:21,120
Speaker 2: Times, mainly when she's alone. She does well at school.

183
00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:24,160
Speaker 1: She's very intelligent, She isn't spoilt, she does get to

184
00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:26,720
Speaker 1: go out and do things, and isn't going without anything.

185
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:30,160
Speaker 1: I've lost control of the situation, says this mum, and

186
00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:33,920
Speaker 1: feel like I'm consistently yelling and telling her off. I

187
00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:35,600
Speaker 1: don't know what to do with her anymore. Would love

188
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:38,960
Speaker 1: some advice on what to do now. Well, here's my response.

189
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:42,840
Speaker 1: When our children are disrespectful, when our children are hurting others,

190
00:09:43,559 --> 00:09:47,680
Speaker 1: or when they're just generally being horrid, it's normal that

191
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:52,040
Speaker 1: we want to punish them so that they will learn

192
00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:57,560
Speaker 1: their lesson. Unfortunately, this rarely improves the situation. It usually

193
00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:59,760
Speaker 1: makes things worse. It seems kind of odd, in fact,

194
00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:01,480
Speaker 1: that you think that will improve them by making them

195
00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:03,839
Speaker 1: feel worse about themselves. If you think about the last

196
00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:05,960
Speaker 1: time that you were made to feel lousy by someone.

197
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:09,800
Speaker 1: Chances are it probably didn't inspire you to be your best.

198
00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:12,400
Speaker 1: So in this situation, I'd recommend a handful of things.

199
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:15,680
Speaker 1: Number One, when you start feeling angry and you want

200
00:10:15,679 --> 00:10:19,679
Speaker 1: to yell, do the opposite. I know it's completely natural

201
00:10:19,679 --> 00:10:22,040
Speaker 1: and normal and typical to want to yell or lecture

202
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:26,280
Speaker 1: or punish, but it's not really effective for anything other

203
00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:29,720
Speaker 1: than a quick fix. It hurts the relationship. It encourages

204
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:33,880
Speaker 1: selfishness on the part of our children. So instead, recognize

205
00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:37,000
Speaker 1: your anger, calm yourself down, and speak softly and clearly.

206
00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:40,360
Speaker 1: But you can still be firm, but you just don't

207
00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:43,040
Speaker 1: need to shout and yell and make yourself into a great,

208
00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:43,800
Speaker 1: big pufferfish.

209
00:10:44,679 --> 00:10:45,200
Speaker 2: Number two.

210
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:49,600
Speaker 1: Second step, understand how it is for her. Often our

211
00:10:49,679 --> 00:10:53,199
Speaker 1: kids act in angry ways because they don't know how

212
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:56,880
Speaker 1: else to communicate their difficulties. Often they don't even know

213
00:10:56,920 --> 00:11:01,880
Speaker 1: what their difficulties are. Maybe she's stressed or confused or neglected.

214
00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:04,920
Speaker 1: Maybe she's just copying what she sees you do when

215
00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:09,240
Speaker 1: you're stressed or confused or feeling neglected. Perhaps she's struggling

216
00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:11,560
Speaker 1: with a school teacher or friends at school, or there's

217
00:11:11,559 --> 00:11:15,319
Speaker 1: something else in her life that is undermining her well

218
00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:18,880
Speaker 1: being and her relationships. Maybe she's just tired or hungry

219
00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:22,120
Speaker 1: at those times where she's lashing out. By understanding how

220
00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:24,559
Speaker 1: it is for her, you can start to be a

221
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:27,400
Speaker 1: lot more intentional about the way that you manage yourself

222
00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:30,360
Speaker 1: and the way that you respond to her needs. The

223
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:33,720
Speaker 1: third thing I'd suggest is there's set boundaries proactively ahead

224
00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:36,040
Speaker 1: of time, but also do it in a collaborative way.

225
00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:37,959
Speaker 1: What I mean by that is, instead of reacting to

226
00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:41,120
Speaker 1: challenges as they come along, take some time, maybe on

227
00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:43,320
Speaker 1: a quiet Sunday morning, and go.

228
00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:45,120
Speaker 2: For a walk to the park or to the beach

229
00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:47,520
Speaker 2: with your daughter, and or maybe just.

230
00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:49,199
Speaker 1: Go down to the local cafe and buy a smoothie

231
00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:51,000
Speaker 1: and sit down and chat about your issues and ask

232
00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:53,360
Speaker 1: what she thinks can be done about it.

233
00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:55,840
Speaker 2: Don't lecture her, ask what she thinks.

234
00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:58,880
Speaker 1: Can be done about it. Set limits on behavior ahead

235
00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:02,200
Speaker 1: of time. It's really important that you let your children

236
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:04,040
Speaker 1: know what you expect before you go into the shops

237
00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:05,920
Speaker 1: or before you leave the house for ten minutes to

238
00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:08,560
Speaker 1: do something and leave them on their own. Set those

239
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:13,360
Speaker 1: limits ahead of time, be proactive and talk together about

240
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:17,000
Speaker 1: what's okay and what's not. Now, this is also really

241
00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:19,560
Speaker 1: important to mention. I don't want you to think that

242
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:21,840
Speaker 1: this conversation should be about saying if you do this,

243
00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:26,200
Speaker 1: I'll do that. It's not about determining consequences to bad behavior.

244
00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:30,559
Speaker 1: It's about discussing how everyone feels when your daughter screams

245
00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:32,840
Speaker 1: or refuses to help, or hits or lashes out or

246
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:36,000
Speaker 1: does whatever she's doing. It's about talking together about the

247
00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:40,600
Speaker 1: preferred ways of behaving and focusing on how that feels instead.

248
00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:45,280
Speaker 1: Two more tips. The fourth one is this, use simple,

249
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:49,120
Speaker 1: gentle reminders. So when she makes mistakes and she will,

250
00:12:49,679 --> 00:12:52,720
Speaker 1: rather than rousing on her, just offer a gentle, supportive,

251
00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:55,760
Speaker 1: encouraging a reminder. Just say something like, look, we speak kindly.

252
00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:58,600
Speaker 1: Remember we speak kindly. Or you might say, I hear

253
00:12:58,600 --> 00:12:59,679
Speaker 1: that you want something, but we.

254
00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:02,200
Speaker 2: Spoke just the other day about how to ask and

255
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,400
Speaker 2: how to use our manners. Would you try that again, please.

256
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:08,079
Speaker 1: The good thing about this approach is it re establishes

257
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:11,000
Speaker 1: the limits that you've set. It puts the boundaries in place,

258
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:13,720
Speaker 1: but it does it in a really respectful way that

259
00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:16,679
Speaker 1: actually models precisely the kind of behavior that you want

260
00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:19,720
Speaker 1: to see in your daughter. And the last tip is

261
00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:22,880
Speaker 1: they spend time because maybe more than anything, your daughter's

262
00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:27,160
Speaker 1: behavior is a terribly poorly aimed plea for more help

263
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:27,760
Speaker 1: than guidance.

264
00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:28,640
Speaker 2: She wants your attention.

265
00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:32,120
Speaker 1: She's probably been asking for it in civil ways but

266
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:34,840
Speaker 1: had no response, so now she's seeking your attention in

267
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:38,360
Speaker 1: uncivil ways. When our kids feel loved when they have

268
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:40,640
Speaker 1: our attention and focus, and you said this in your email,

269
00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:43,439
Speaker 1: she's great when she's on her own, they tend to

270
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:48,000
Speaker 1: respond really well. It's not possible in a family your

271
00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:50,080
Speaker 1: size for her to receive all of your focus and

272
00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:53,520
Speaker 1: all of your attention, but spending time in the relationship

273
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:56,480
Speaker 1: together will almost certainly improve the way things go in

274
00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:56,960
Speaker 1: the family.

275
00:13:57,360 --> 00:13:58,520
Speaker 2: So they are my five tips.

276
00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:00,520
Speaker 1: The times that our children act in ways that make

277
00:14:00,559 --> 00:14:02,800
Speaker 1: us feel that they don't deserve our loved attention are the.

278
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:04,520
Speaker 2: Times when they need it the most.

279
00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:07,240
Speaker 1: But the way that we show that love and the

280
00:14:07,320 --> 00:14:10,760
Speaker 1: kind of attention we give are really really important. So

281
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:13,440
Speaker 1: the focus should be on less correction and direction and

282
00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:17,160
Speaker 1: more on strengthening the relationship by spending time together understanding

283
00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:21,240
Speaker 1: how things are for her, focusing on gentle disciplinary techniques

284
00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:24,200
Speaker 1: that are more about teaching and less about punishment, and

285
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:26,240
Speaker 1: I think that that's where the improvements will come and

286
00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:29,040
Speaker 1: the family will be happier. So that's my answer for

287
00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:30,640
Speaker 1: this week. I hope that it's helpful. If you have

288
00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:34,040
Speaker 1: any parenting questions that you'd like help with, visit justinculson

289
00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:37,560
Speaker 1: dot com slash questions, leave me a voice message, or

290
00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:39,880
Speaker 1: just type out your question and you can email it

291
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:41,280
Speaker 1: to me as well. I'd love to hear from you.

292
00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:44,760
Speaker 1: That's Justinculson dot com slash questions.

293
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:48,080
Speaker 5: Toilet training. It's a milestone that parents.

294
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:48,320
Speaker 2: Look forward to.

295
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:52,320
Speaker 5: What is the best way to toilet train our children successfully?

296
00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:56,200
Speaker 5: Doctor Justin Coulson has written a no Mess, No Fast

297
00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:59,960
Speaker 5: ebook to help call toilet training easy as one two weeks.

298
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:03,480
Speaker 5: Written for busy parents, you'll whiz through a clear overview

299
00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:06,880
Speaker 5: of toilet training without getting bogged in too much detail.

300
00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:10,760
Speaker 5: At just over twenty pages, the ebook can be digested

301
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:14,880
Speaker 5: in under thirty minutes. You'll find straight shooting answers about

302
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:19,400
Speaker 5: toilet training based on scientific research, like how to know

303
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:22,160
Speaker 5: when your child is ready to toilet train? Myths and

304
00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:26,600
Speaker 5: conspiracy theories about toilet training and the most popular toilet

305
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:30,360
Speaker 5: training approaches and what science says about them. Some toilet

306
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:32,600
Speaker 5: training guides take longer to read than it should take

307
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:36,280
Speaker 5: to toilet trainer child. This is the fast flowing alternative

308
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,680
Speaker 5: to get your kids going at the right time, in

309
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:42,400
Speaker 5: the right way, and the right way toilet training easy

310
00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:46,560
Speaker 5: as one two. We available at major online booksellers now

311
00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:49,000
Speaker 5: or at justin Coulson dot com.

312
00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:52,200
Speaker 1: Well, I hope you've enjoyed today's shortened podcast. Before I go,

313
00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:54,760
Speaker 1: a couple of quick announcements. The first is I have

314
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:58,000
Speaker 1: just released a brand new ebook called The Five Surprising

315
00:15:58,080 --> 00:16:03,240
Speaker 1: Secrets to Creating a More successful and Happier You starting now.

316
00:16:03,560 --> 00:16:05,920
Speaker 1: Check it out at Justin Coulson dot com slash shop.

317
00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:08,920
Speaker 1: I think that you'll really enjoy it, and it's already

318
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:10,760
Speaker 1: been selling quite well and a lot of people are

319
00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:13,520
Speaker 1: very interested in what it says, quite a few counterintuitive

320
00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:17,240
Speaker 1: ideas about what makes us happy and what doesn't. If

321
00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:19,360
Speaker 1: you have any ideas for what you'd like to hear

322
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:22,560
Speaker 1: in this podcast, I would welcome your comments. You can

323
00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:28,520
Speaker 1: email me info at Justinculson dot com. Before I leave today,

324
00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:29,920
Speaker 1: I want to leave you with something that I hope

325
00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:31,480
Speaker 1: will stick in your mind for a while. It's something

326
00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:34,360
Speaker 1: fantastic about happiness. And this is a quote that comes

327
00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:37,160
Speaker 1: from Mahatma Gandhi. It ties in beautifully with the idea

328
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:39,960
Speaker 1: of the eudaemonic pathway to happiness.

329
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:43,760
Speaker 2: He said this happiness is when.

330
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:47,160
Speaker 1: What you think, what you say, and what you do

331
00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:50,720
Speaker 1: are in harmony. I think what he's saying is when

332
00:16:50,720 --> 00:16:52,840
Speaker 1: we live with integrity, we are happy.

333
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:56,520
Speaker 2: Well, that's it for this week's podcast. Thank you for listening.

334
00:16:56,920 --> 00:16:58,840
Speaker 1: If you've enjoyed the episode, you'll find the outline and

335
00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:01,400
Speaker 1: the resource links in the show at justin coulson dot

336
00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:05,040
Speaker 1: com slash podcast slash ten. As in the number ten,

337
00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:06,879
Speaker 1: as well as that I'd love to hear from you

338
00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:08,840
Speaker 1: what makes you happy? Visit the site let me know.

339
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:11,600
Speaker 1: Are you a hedonist, do you go for flow or

340
00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:15,760
Speaker 1: are you a character and virtue oriented individual? Tell me

341
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:18,359
Speaker 1: what makes you happy at justin Coulson dot com, slash

342
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:20,160
Speaker 1: podcast slash ten.

343
00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:22,720
Speaker 2: I think that the reality is by the way that

344
00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:23,520
Speaker 2: we're all a little bit of.

345
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:26,000
Speaker 1: Each and that lots of the things that we do

346
00:17:26,119 --> 00:17:29,399
Speaker 1: overlap across those three areas and make us quite happy.

347
00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:30,480
Speaker 2: Across the board.

348
00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:32,959
Speaker 1: Can I also encourage you to share the podcast if

349
00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:34,680
Speaker 1: it's made an impact on you, or if it's helped

350
00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:37,040
Speaker 1: you in your professional life or your parenting. I'd really

351
00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:39,880
Speaker 1: appreciate it if you would visit justin Coulson dot com

352
00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:43,440
Speaker 1: slash podcast slash ten. You'll find a prepopulated Twitter or

353
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:45,359
Speaker 1: Facebook post that you can share with your friends and

354
00:17:45,359 --> 00:17:47,760
Speaker 1: followers to get the word out about the podcast. And

355
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:50,600
Speaker 1: as always, I'd be really grateful if you'd rate the

356
00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:53,920
Speaker 1: podcast on iTunes because it's your ratings that determine how

357
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:56,680
Speaker 1: likely it is that people will actually discover the podcast.

358
00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:59,280
Speaker 1: It's the ratings that boost the visibility and help other

359
00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:01,479
Speaker 1: people to find out how I can help them to

360
00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:04,920
Speaker 1: have a more positive life and family. And of course

361
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:07,680
Speaker 1: you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes as well.

362
00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:11,000
Speaker 1: That is it for this week. I'll have another podcast

363
00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:13,000
Speaker 1: ready to go possibly next week.

364
00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:14,919
Speaker 2: Stay tuned. I will let you know about it.

365
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:19,400
Speaker 1: And remember, the greatest weapon against stress is our ability

366
00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:21,760
Speaker 1: to choose one thought over another.