1
00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:02,559
Speaker 1: Every family is responsible for their own values. It doesn't

2
00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:05,920
Speaker 1: always work so well.

3
00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:10,119
Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the tame

4
00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:14,040
Speaker 2: poor parent. He just wants answers Now. Hello.

5
00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:16,720
Speaker 1: My name's doctor Justin Colson. I'm the author of six

6
00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:18,680
Speaker 1: books about raising happy kids.

7
00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:21,200
Speaker 2: And I'm here with my wife, my.

8
00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:24,040
Speaker 1: Co host, my podcast partner, and the mum of our

9
00:00:24,079 --> 00:00:28,280
Speaker 1: six children, missus Happy Families herself, Kylie Colson, who, let's

10
00:00:28,280 --> 00:00:31,240
Speaker 1: face it, every now and again, parenting is pretty stressful, right.

11
00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:32,600
Speaker 3: You're going to tell a story.

12
00:00:32,680 --> 00:00:33,519
Speaker 4: I can just feel it.

13
00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:36,680
Speaker 1: And every now and again we get so distracted with

14
00:00:36,760 --> 00:00:40,520
Speaker 1: everything that's going on that we don't really notice certain

15
00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:43,800
Speaker 1: things like our telephone and our parts when we jump

16
00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:44,360
Speaker 1: into pool.

17
00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:47,480
Speaker 4: You had to tell that so well.

18
00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:50,680
Speaker 1: So the weather is warming up and we write the

19
00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:53,280
Speaker 1: kids to school every morning. We love the opportunity to

20
00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:54,840
Speaker 1: do that. We've never done it before. But with the

21
00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:58,760
Speaker 1: children having changed schools this term, they've started writing clothes

22
00:00:58,880 --> 00:01:02,319
Speaker 1: nice and clothes riding to school. And in the last

23
00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:03,240
Speaker 1: few days.

24
00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:05,880
Speaker 3: I've started jumping in the pool when I get home

25
00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:07,440
Speaker 3: because I'm hot and sweaty.

26
00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:09,360
Speaker 1: And that was one of the conditions of moving to Queensland.

27
00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:11,760
Speaker 1: If we're moving to Queensland, we must have a pool.

28
00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:14,560
Speaker 1: And you just jumped in the pool and forgot that

29
00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:15,479
Speaker 1: your phone was in your pocket.

30
00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:15,800
Speaker 5: Yeah.

31
00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:21,240
Speaker 3: The problem is I remembered mid air, so I wasn't

32
00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:23,120
Speaker 3: getting in the pool, but I've heard you scream and

33
00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:24,480
Speaker 3: I thought, oh, the water must be cold.

34
00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:25,319
Speaker 2: And next thing, You're like.

35
00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:29,240
Speaker 1: Get the phone and handed me this sogging, wet phone,

36
00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:30,880
Speaker 1: which I went and put straight into the rice and

37
00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:32,400
Speaker 1: it's okay, everything.

38
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,440
Speaker 2: Is working well.

39
00:01:33,440 --> 00:01:35,119
Speaker 4: They say they're, you know, water resistant.

40
00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:39,279
Speaker 3: I'm hoping we'll get through that one without too much anks.

41
00:01:39,319 --> 00:01:42,000
Speaker 1: It's a recent model iPhone and I'm grateful that we

42
00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:45,440
Speaker 1: haven't had to replace it because that would have definitely hurt.

43
00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:46,000
Speaker 5: Well.

44
00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:49,200
Speaker 3: Last week we had a conversation around triggers and what

45
00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:52,800
Speaker 3: things really set parents off, and it wasn't until the

46
00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:54,360
Speaker 3: end of our discussion that's.

47
00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:57,600
Speaker 4: Hitting me and she's hitting me. Yeah, she's breathing my air.

48
00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:00,880
Speaker 3: Another one came to mine, and I thought this was

49
00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:02,560
Speaker 3: a really good one that we really needed to kind

50
00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:05,840
Speaker 3: of unpack a little bit, you know, that whole conversation

51
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:08,720
Speaker 3: around But mom, everyone else is doing it.

52
00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:11,120
Speaker 1: Yeh, Yeah, I'm the only one that's not allowed. I'm

53
00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:13,160
Speaker 1: the only one that doesn't have a phone.

54
00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:14,240
Speaker 4: Yeah, totally.

55
00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:17,640
Speaker 3: And as a parent kind of puts you in two places.

56
00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:21,880
Speaker 3: You can either feel absolute pressure because you're the only

57
00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:26,400
Speaker 3: parent who's not letting your child do this, or you're

58
00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:27,520
Speaker 3: in that position where.

59
00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:28,920
Speaker 4: Your children hate you.

60
00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:33,600
Speaker 3: Okay, they hate you because even though all of your

61
00:02:33,639 --> 00:02:36,000
Speaker 3: reasons are good reasons, it still leaves them feeling like

62
00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:37,600
Speaker 3: they're the only one who doesn't.

63
00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:39,320
Speaker 1: And they feel like they're on the out of they're ostracizes.

64
00:02:39,440 --> 00:02:41,320
Speaker 1: As you were saying that, I was thinking of the

65
00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:44,600
Speaker 1: Princess Bride when the dread pirate Roberts is coming into

66
00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:48,240
Speaker 1: the castle and it's Andre, the giant with the cloak

67
00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:52,120
Speaker 1: that's burning, and you've got that the guard outside the

68
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:53,119
Speaker 1: castle saying.

69
00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:55,400
Speaker 6: Stand your ground, men, stand your ground, And I'm thinking,

70
00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:58,239
Speaker 6: as parents, we want to stand our ground, but we're

71
00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:01,840
Speaker 6: looking around petrified because this is this giant, burning ball

72
00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:03,840
Speaker 6: of fire coming towards and we're like, oh no, do

73
00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:05,960
Speaker 6: I stare my ground or do I run and just

74
00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:07,240
Speaker 6: give them the castle?

75
00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:08,359
Speaker 4: Well, and I.

76
00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:11,040
Speaker 3: Think you know too, as a parent, You've got it.

77
00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:13,960
Speaker 4: That's a really good imagery. That's really good imagery. But

78
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:14,320
Speaker 4: as a.

79
00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:18,720
Speaker 3: Parent, I think that sometimes we've got to be able

80
00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:23,919
Speaker 3: to see things with clear vision and perspective. And are

81
00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:27,440
Speaker 3: we actually stopping our children from doing things that you

82
00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:28,440
Speaker 3: know are actually.

83
00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:29,760
Speaker 4: Age appropriate and they should be able to do it.

84
00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:31,160
Speaker 3: Are we being a bit of a stick in the mud,

85
00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:34,360
Speaker 3: or are we actually doing something that's actually beneficial for

86
00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:36,000
Speaker 3: our children keeping them safe.

87
00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:38,400
Speaker 1: Yeah, well we need to do an episode on when

88
00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:39,920
Speaker 1: is the right age fore you kids to get a phone,

89
00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:40,760
Speaker 1: But that's not for today.

90
00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:41,720
Speaker 2: While you were saying that, that.

91
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:45,800
Speaker 1: Reminded me of I was doing a presentation at a

92
00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:49,760
Speaker 1: really fancy school in one of Melbourne's more affluent suburbs.

93
00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:53,360
Speaker 1: The hall was packed, there must have been four four

94
00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:56,400
Speaker 1: hundred and fifty five hundred parents in the room and

95
00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:59,560
Speaker 1: we were talking about boys and gaming. We were talking

96
00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:02,720
Speaker 1: about this screen issue for boys. It was a boy's school,

97
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:07,040
Speaker 1: hence the topic, and I had a lady towards the

98
00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:08,640
Speaker 1: end of my talk put up her hand. She was

99
00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:09,400
Speaker 1: towards the front.

100
00:04:09,520 --> 00:04:11,160
Speaker 2: I called on her. I said, what's your question?

101
00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:13,839
Speaker 1: And she said, how do I not buy that game

102
00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:16,760
Speaker 1: for my son? And basically what she was saying is

103
00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:19,120
Speaker 1: he's telling me all the other kids are doing it.

104
00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:20,719
Speaker 2: I'm the only one that hasn't got it. And have

105
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:22,240
Speaker 2: you noticed they're always the only one.

106
00:04:23,279 --> 00:04:25,240
Speaker 1: They're all allowed to do it. I'm the only one

107
00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:27,240
Speaker 1: that's not allowed to do it. And by the way,

108
00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:28,640
Speaker 1: if you don't, I'm just going to go to my

109
00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:30,680
Speaker 1: friend's house and do it anyway. Like he's not saying that,

110
00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:33,560
Speaker 1: but that's the underlying. We know that that's what they'll do.

111
00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:37,320
Speaker 1: And whether it's phones or games or whatever it is.

112
00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:39,800
Speaker 1: I heard this pleading in this mum's voice. You know,

113
00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:42,040
Speaker 1: it might be sleepover the sleepover party, or it might

114
00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:44,480
Speaker 1: be drinking coca cola, or it might be whatever it

115
00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:47,200
Speaker 1: is that you've got a personal value around that you say,

116
00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:49,120
Speaker 1: we don't do that, and everyone else is doing it.

117
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:50,480
Speaker 2: I heard this.

118
00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:56,159
Speaker 1: Mum say how do I not buy the game? And

119
00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:57,640
Speaker 1: I kind of called her on or I said, well,

120
00:04:58,040 --> 00:04:59,560
Speaker 1: are you saying, how do you not hand over your

121
00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:01,760
Speaker 1: credit card and swipe it or tap it so that he.

122
00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:03,720
Speaker 2: Can have And she said, no, no, no, that's not really

123
00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:04,240
Speaker 2: what it is.

124
00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:07,080
Speaker 1: I don't want him to play these violent games, but

125
00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:10,680
Speaker 1: he can get access to them regardless, and he's too

126
00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:13,240
Speaker 1: young and they're not for kids that age. And I

127
00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:15,680
Speaker 1: pause her right there, and I spoke to all of

128
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:17,200
Speaker 1: the parents in the room. I said, can you hit

129
00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:21,039
Speaker 1: this mum? What she's really saying is you've got a

130
00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:23,160
Speaker 1: twelve or thirty and a fourteen year old kid who

131
00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:25,320
Speaker 1: wants to play an r rat at eighteen plus game,

132
00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:28,920
Speaker 1: and this mum doesn't want her son to play the game.

133
00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:31,000
Speaker 1: And my guess is that most of you in the

134
00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:33,800
Speaker 1: room feel the same way. And yet what happens is

135
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:36,719
Speaker 1: everyone's looking around, going but everyone else is doing it?

136
00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:37,719
Speaker 1: So what's the point?

137
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:39,600
Speaker 4: But is everyone else doing it?

138
00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:40,320
Speaker 2: I don't think they are.

139
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:41,840
Speaker 1: And in fact, when I got them to raise their hands,

140
00:05:41,839 --> 00:05:43,359
Speaker 1: most of them would, and most of them were on

141
00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:44,600
Speaker 1: her side, and they were like, no, we don't want

142
00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:45,520
Speaker 1: them to be doing it either.

143
00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:49,680
Speaker 2: So there is that whole standard ground thing that's real.

144
00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:51,960
Speaker 1: But we've also got to work out well. I think

145
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:54,080
Speaker 1: we need to come up with a couple of useful

146
00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:58,400
Speaker 1: take home strategies to help when the kids say, but

147
00:05:58,440 --> 00:05:59,400
Speaker 1: everyone else is doing it?

148
00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:00,480
Speaker 4: Do next.

149
00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:03,200
Speaker 2: It's their Happy Family's podcast.

150
00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:07,000
Speaker 5: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having

151
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:09,360
Speaker 5: to feel bad or in trouble. The do's and don'ts

152
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:12,000
Speaker 5: of discipline as a webinar to help parents set limits

153
00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:15,679
Speaker 5: with love, compassion and humanity. Find it now at Happy

154
00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:18,320
Speaker 5: families dot com dot au slash shop.

155
00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:21,560
Speaker 2: It's The Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Coulson.

156
00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:25,279
Speaker 1: And my wife Kylie, And we ask people on the

157
00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:28,920
Speaker 1: street what it is that their kids always say, oh,

158
00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:31,280
Speaker 1: but mum, but dad, everyone else gets to do it.

159
00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:33,680
Speaker 7: I say, oh, everyone else is doing it, are they

160
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:37,040
Speaker 7: or who? And they say, well, you know Sophie's allowed

161
00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:38,720
Speaker 7: to do it, or Lucy's allowed to do it. And

162
00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:40,920
Speaker 7: I'll say, oh, good, go and live at their house then,

163
00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:41,919
Speaker 7: and then you'll be able.

164
00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:42,320
Speaker 4: To do it.

165
00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:46,239
Speaker 5: My four year old daughter says, if you don't buy

166
00:06:46,279 --> 00:06:49,640
Speaker 5: that toy that my friend has, I will not call

167
00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:50,920
Speaker 5: you a nice daddy.

168
00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:53,680
Speaker 2: My friends have mobile phones and narrowly in grade four

169
00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:54,600
Speaker 2: and I'm in grade.

170
00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:59,040
Speaker 7: Six playing Minecraft and having a phone always always.

171
00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:00,919
Speaker 3: So what do you think actually supposed to do in

172
00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:01,560
Speaker 3: this situation?

173
00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:06,800
Speaker 1: Well, in our house, I mean, speaking personally, we've got

174
00:07:06,839 --> 00:07:09,800
Speaker 1: a fairly standard response, and I guess it's almost a

175
00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:11,800
Speaker 1: bit of a tough love response. We try to catch

176
00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:14,480
Speaker 1: it in empathy and kindness, but essentially we say, every

177
00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:15,280
Speaker 1: family has their.

178
00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:17,280
Speaker 2: Own rules, and in our home these are our rules.

179
00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:20,120
Speaker 1: We do it gently, we explain the reason for it,

180
00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:24,160
Speaker 1: we explore how they're feeling, and then we let them

181
00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:26,200
Speaker 1: know that they're the rules. But I don't know if

182
00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:27,880
Speaker 1: that's going to be I mean, I think that's.

183
00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:29,240
Speaker 2: The best way to do it.

184
00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:32,440
Speaker 1: Every house is, every family is responsible for their own values.

185
00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:34,080
Speaker 1: But it doesn't always work so well.

186
00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:36,440
Speaker 3: No, And I think that, like we said in the beginning,

187
00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:38,640
Speaker 3: you know, this feeling of pressure of being the only

188
00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:41,200
Speaker 3: one on both sides, as a parent, being the only

189
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:43,000
Speaker 3: one stopping your children from doing these things, and then

190
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:45,640
Speaker 3: as a child feeling like the only one who isn't involved.

191
00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:49,120
Speaker 3: And so I think one of the things that's you know,

192
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:51,800
Speaker 3: I keep going back to this thought process, if it

193
00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:53,880
Speaker 3: takes a village to grow a child. It's one of

194
00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:56,240
Speaker 3: my favorite catchphrases. And yeah it's been used a lot,

195
00:07:56,320 --> 00:08:00,240
Speaker 3: but I think about the fact that, you know, as

196
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:03,400
Speaker 3: we build a community around our children, we talk to

197
00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:06,000
Speaker 3: other parents and we start to get a sense of,

198
00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:08,160
Speaker 3: you know, where they are at and what things they're doing.

199
00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:11,600
Speaker 3: And in our case, multiple times when our children have

200
00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:13,240
Speaker 3: come to us and said, you know, what mumy, we're

201
00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:16,280
Speaker 3: the only ones not doing this, And I've had conversations

202
00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:19,640
Speaker 3: with multiple parents have found out that.

203
00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:21,360
Speaker 4: Nobody's doing it. That's exactly right.

204
00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:25,520
Speaker 3: And so I've found strength in numbers as a parent,

205
00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:29,360
Speaker 3: having other parents who are supporting me and my decisions

206
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:31,000
Speaker 3: to keep my children safe, because at the end of

207
00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:33,120
Speaker 3: the day, we're all in the same boat. We all

208
00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:34,840
Speaker 3: want to keep our children safe.

209
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:36,560
Speaker 1: That kind of goes back to the conversation that I

210
00:08:36,559 --> 00:08:39,400
Speaker 1: had with the mum in the hall at that school

211
00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:42,360
Speaker 1: that night. She's basically saying, can I please recruit every

212
00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:43,960
Speaker 1: parent in this room to help me to keep my

213
00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:45,000
Speaker 1: son safe?

214
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,400
Speaker 2: And whether it's whether it's the poor party.

215
00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:48,960
Speaker 1: Whether it's the slumber party, or whether it's the video

216
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:50,839
Speaker 1: games or the telephone or whatever it is, that everyone

217
00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:52,160
Speaker 1: else is allowed to do it, and why can't I?

218
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:55,600
Speaker 2: The point here is a bit but you know, one

219
00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:58,720
Speaker 2: of the challenges with that is that the community the

220
00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:00,880
Speaker 2: village isn't.

221
00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:02,920
Speaker 1: What it used to be, or at least it's not.

222
00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:05,080
Speaker 1: My perception is that it's not what it used to be.

223
00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:07,760
Speaker 1: I don't know that the connections that the relationships are

224
00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:09,840
Speaker 1: as strong I reckon there'd be so many parents listening

225
00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:12,000
Speaker 1: to this saying I don't really know who the parents

226
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:14,080
Speaker 1: are at my school. I dropped the kids off in

227
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:16,120
Speaker 1: the car park, I picked them up in the car park.

228
00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:18,199
Speaker 1: But I just it's the drive through. That's what a

229
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:19,800
Speaker 1: lot of schools do. You drive in, you get your

230
00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:21,679
Speaker 1: child in the car, and you keep on driving. We

231
00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:25,520
Speaker 1: don't have the same quality of village that we perhaps

232
00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:26,240
Speaker 1: might have.

233
00:09:26,840 --> 00:09:29,440
Speaker 3: And I agree totally, and I think that's why it's

234
00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:32,480
Speaker 3: so important that we're intentional. We're intentional about the time

235
00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:35,320
Speaker 3: that our children spend with their friends, and you know,

236
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:39,240
Speaker 3: taking time to actually initiate conversations with those parents.

237
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:41,040
Speaker 1: When you drop the kids off, go knock on the door,

238
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,520
Speaker 1: say hi to the mom and dad, have a ten

239
00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:44,520
Speaker 1: minute conversation. I hope you don't mind me intruding. I

240
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:45,920
Speaker 1: just thought i'd say gooday, and get to know you.

241
00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:48,360
Speaker 1: Our children seem to like spending time together. I thought

242
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:49,640
Speaker 1: we should get to know each other.

243
00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:50,000
Speaker 7: Yeah.

244
00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:52,719
Speaker 3: Yeah, because it's only through the process that you can

245
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:56,200
Speaker 3: kind of start to support one another in this whole

246
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:56,800
Speaker 3: parenting game.

247
00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:57,360
Speaker 4: Is huge.

248
00:09:57,440 --> 00:10:00,959
Speaker 1: Okay, here's my last idea. I think to go back

249
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:05,760
Speaker 1: to something that you mentioned way earlier developmentally, our children

250
00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:07,280
Speaker 1: may actually be ready for some of the things that

251
00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:08,640
Speaker 1: all the other kids are doing well.

252
00:10:08,679 --> 00:10:10,400
Speaker 3: I was going to tell you about an experience I

253
00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:14,319
Speaker 3: had in relation to that. When I was twelve, everyone

254
00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:17,560
Speaker 3: else had shaved their legs, but my mum would not

255
00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:18,199
Speaker 3: let me.

256
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:18,760
Speaker 4: Do it at all.

257
00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:22,800
Speaker 3: It was just absolutely taboob conversation. We weren't even going there.

258
00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:24,600
Speaker 3: I was not allowed to shake my legs. I was

259
00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:26,199
Speaker 3: the only girl in my grade.

260
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,280
Speaker 2: You literally were the only my world.

261
00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:30,559
Speaker 4: Literally was the only girl in my grade.

262
00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:33,760
Speaker 3: And it took another woman, another mum, to sit down

263
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:36,320
Speaker 3: with my mum and say, you know, what's what's so

264
00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:38,640
Speaker 3: big about this? You know, why have you got a

265
00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:41,600
Speaker 3: you know, a hang up, a hang up over.

266
00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:44,120
Speaker 4: This and she's too young? She well, actually no she's not.

267
00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:48,480
Speaker 3: She's almost a teenager and this is age appropriate. And

268
00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:51,000
Speaker 3: so it was because of that mum standing up to

269
00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:53,160
Speaker 3: my mom that I was actually able to do it.

270
00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:57,880
Speaker 3: And it was such a momentous occasion for me because

271
00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:00,000
Speaker 3: I had waited for so long. Most of my friend

272
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:01,280
Speaker 3: it's been doing it from the time they were nine

273
00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:04,240
Speaker 3: or ten, but I had listened to my mum tried

274
00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:05,760
Speaker 3: to be obedient, but it was getting to the point

275
00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:07,240
Speaker 3: where it was just like starting.

276
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,000
Speaker 2: To affect your self esteem.

277
00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:08,720
Speaker 4: It really was.

278
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:09,320
Speaker 2: Yeah.

279
00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:11,520
Speaker 1: So I think if we were to summarize the take

280
00:11:11,559 --> 00:11:14,800
Speaker 1: home message number one, we can and should stand our

281
00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:18,160
Speaker 1: ground when it's completely reasonable to do so, but we

282
00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:21,040
Speaker 1: want to do it in a spirit of understanding.

283
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:22,920
Speaker 2: So this is the second take home message.

284
00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:25,320
Speaker 1: We want to make sure that we really get what's

285
00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:27,840
Speaker 1: going on for our children and we know that it's

286
00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:29,720
Speaker 1: a reasonable thing that we're asking. Now, when it comes

287
00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:33,880
Speaker 1: to genuinely deeply held values, it's probably worth standing your ground,

288
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:37,720
Speaker 1: but it's worth also creating those conversations and having the

289
00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:42,480
Speaker 1: interaction with your children and with others to ask the questions,

290
00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:44,120
Speaker 1: be a bit vulnerable and get that feedback.

291
00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:46,400
Speaker 3: One of the things I think has been really important

292
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:49,440
Speaker 3: for us is we've discussed these kinds of conversations with

293
00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:51,880
Speaker 3: our children, as it's allowing them to feel like they're

294
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:52,840
Speaker 3: part of the process.

295
00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:56,840
Speaker 4: They're not happy with our decision.

296
00:11:56,440 --> 00:12:00,840
Speaker 3: But as we include them in dialogue around and why

297
00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:05,400
Speaker 3: we feel so strongly about our standing point, it allows

298
00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:08,400
Speaker 3: mutual understanding to happen, and as a result of that,

299
00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:11,480
Speaker 3: our relationship stays intact and while they still might not

300
00:12:11,559 --> 00:12:13,559
Speaker 3: necessarily agree with it, they understand it.

301
00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:15,240
Speaker 2: That's what the best research shows.

302
00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:17,720
Speaker 1: They've got to understand the rationale and they've got to

303
00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:20,760
Speaker 1: have a sense of a sense of ownership, a sense

304
00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:21,959
Speaker 1: of autonomy in there.

305
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:23,720
Speaker 2: Really appreciate you listening to the podcast.

306
00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:26,439
Speaker 1: If you do enjoy the podcast, please visit Apple Podcasts

307
00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:28,800
Speaker 1: and leave a rating and review. Those ratings and reviews

308
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:32,040
Speaker 1: help other people to discover the podcast and have happier families.

309
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:35,400
Speaker 1: The Happier Families podcast is produced by Justin Rulan and

310
00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:38,280
Speaker 1: our executive producer is Craig Bruce. If you'd like more

311
00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:40,559
Speaker 1: information about how we can make your family happy, we've

312
00:12:40,559 --> 00:12:43,120
Speaker 1: got these memberships. They're available at happy families dot com

313
00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:45,600
Speaker 1: dot au, or you can follow us for free on

314
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:49,280
Speaker 1: Instagram or on Facebook at doctor Justin Coulson's Happy Families