1 00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:07,120 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the. 2 00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:10,160 Speaker 2: Time poor parent who just wants answers. 3 00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:13,280 Speaker 1: Now, we don't want to have to lose control to 4 00:00:13,360 --> 00:00:15,800 Speaker 1: show control, because that means we don't really have any 5 00:00:15,840 --> 00:00:18,120 Speaker 1: control at all unless we pull out the big guns. 6 00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:20,320 Speaker 1: And that's terrible for so many reasons. 7 00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:23,680 Speaker 2: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum 8 00:00:23,680 --> 00:00:24,160 Speaker 2: and dad. 9 00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:26,520 Speaker 1: Hello. This is doctor Justin Colson, the founder of Happy 10 00:00:26,520 --> 00:00:28,720 Speaker 1: Families dot com dot I you and the dad to 11 00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:31,760 Speaker 1: six daughters who I share with my podcast partner and wife. 12 00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:35,040 Speaker 1: I probably should say wife and podcast partner makes more 13 00:00:35,080 --> 00:00:37,840 Speaker 1: sense if I put that first dozen on hunt. Maybe 14 00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:41,920 Speaker 1: my wife Kylie, who also runs this podcast with me. Hello, 15 00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:45,279 Speaker 1: it's so nice to be able to share this conversation 16 00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:48,800 Speaker 1: with you today about dad rage o parent rage. We 17 00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:51,880 Speaker 1: come across an article recently in The Atlantic. I love 18 00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:54,560 Speaker 1: the quality of the journalism in the Atlantic, and it 19 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:57,480 Speaker 1: was all about a guy. His name is Keith Gesson, 20 00:00:57,520 --> 00:01:00,400 Speaker 1: who has written a book raising RAFFI the first five years. 21 00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:03,240 Speaker 1: Now we haven't read the book, but the book is 22 00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:08,800 Speaker 1: really an introspection. It's a memoir, a memoir talking about 23 00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:11,160 Speaker 1: the first five years of raising this kid and Keith 24 00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:14,440 Speaker 1: Guessen highlights that he found himself getting cranky all the 25 00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:17,440 Speaker 1: time as a dad, constantly getting mad at his son 26 00:01:17,560 --> 00:01:20,600 Speaker 1: and doing and saying things that he and doing and 27 00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:23,280 Speaker 1: seeing them in a way that he just couldn't believe. 28 00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:29,240 Speaker 2: Well, the author Daniel Engberd, he just articulated so well. 29 00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:32,280 Speaker 2: In former times, you know, the definition of a man 30 00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:35,399 Speaker 2: was he went to work every day. He worked with 31 00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:38,720 Speaker 2: his muscles, you know, he used, he used his body, 32 00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:40,960 Speaker 2: and he brought home a paycheck and that was about it. 33 00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:44,200 Speaker 2: He didn't really have a huge part to play in 34 00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:47,560 Speaker 2: the role of parenting in general life unless mum said 35 00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:48,760 Speaker 2: it was disciplinarian. 36 00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:51,360 Speaker 1: Wait until dad gets home. Dad gets home, and then 37 00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:53,080 Speaker 1: dad get home, find out what the kids have done, 38 00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:57,520 Speaker 1: and then it was dad's duty almost to dish it out. Yeah, 39 00:01:57,520 --> 00:01:59,840 Speaker 1: fly into a rage or stay calm and say that's 40 00:01:59,880 --> 00:02:01,320 Speaker 1: it now. I need to let you know what's going 41 00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:02,720 Speaker 1: to happen to you because you did the wrong thing. 42 00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:04,440 Speaker 1: The world's changed, it really has. 43 00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:07,120 Speaker 2: But what it means to be a man, and particularly 44 00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:08,720 Speaker 2: what it means to be a father and what that 45 00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:13,320 Speaker 2: looks like has been shifting for a number of years now. 46 00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:16,720 Speaker 2: But there still isn't much clarity in what it looks like. 47 00:02:16,919 --> 00:02:18,600 Speaker 1: And I think that ties you with the broader conversation 48 00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:20,679 Speaker 1: that I mean. I like to ask people, how would 49 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:22,880 Speaker 1: you define masculinity? So what does it mean to be 50 00:02:22,919 --> 00:02:25,200 Speaker 1: a man? When I say be a man, what does 51 00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:29,480 Speaker 1: that mean? And I keep on getting the same stereotypic 52 00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:31,840 Speaker 1: glances that I might have gotten in the seventies, eighties, nineties, 53 00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:34,920 Speaker 1: two thousands. It's the same kind of stuff that you're 54 00:02:34,919 --> 00:02:38,760 Speaker 1: supposed to be strong, tough, stoic, brute strength kind of stuff. 55 00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:41,640 Speaker 1: It's all about power and capacity. And I know that 56 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:43,359 Speaker 1: there are some enlightened people who will come up with 57 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:45,480 Speaker 1: some other ideas. But the more I think about what 58 00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:49,240 Speaker 1: masculinity is, the more I think that people are confused 59 00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:52,679 Speaker 1: by it. It's difficult. And that's why defining fatherhood, as 60 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:55,880 Speaker 1: it has gone through its significant transition over the last 61 00:02:55,919 --> 00:02:59,800 Speaker 1: couple of decades, it confuses people. What's a dad's supposed 62 00:02:59,800 --> 00:02:59,960 Speaker 1: to do? 63 00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:05,480 Speaker 2: In the Pew Research Center survey, they actually asked parents 64 00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:09,520 Speaker 2: to describe whether or not being a parent was extremely 65 00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:13,840 Speaker 2: important to them, And what was interesting in it was 66 00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:18,040 Speaker 2: that fifty eight percent of women said that it was so. 67 00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:21,480 Speaker 2: Did fifty seven percent of men. There actually wasn't really 68 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:25,160 Speaker 2: a difference between men and women in that role of 69 00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:29,880 Speaker 2: parental responsibility. Men still don't have clarity around it, and 70 00:03:29,919 --> 00:03:33,400 Speaker 2: it really has an impact on their capacity to, I guess, 71 00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:34,920 Speaker 2: work through the challenges as they come. 72 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:36,680 Speaker 1: So a couple of things stood out to me as 73 00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:37,760 Speaker 1: we were having a look at this, and this is 74 00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:40,960 Speaker 1: the main reason that I want to discuss this, guess. 75 00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:44,200 Speaker 1: The author of Raising Rafi and the author of the 76 00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:46,920 Speaker 1: overall Atlantic article are both making the same point, and 77 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:48,720 Speaker 1: that is that parenting is self discovery. 78 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:49,920 Speaker 2: I love that. 79 00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:53,080 Speaker 1: I actually love that which and I've been saying something similar, 80 00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:55,440 Speaker 1: not quite so succinctly, for years, and I've been saying 81 00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:58,400 Speaker 1: that parenting isn't about your children's about you. You learn 82 00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:01,320 Speaker 1: about who you are when you're a p But they 83 00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:04,120 Speaker 1: said this, They said, you don't know anything about yourself 84 00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:09,320 Speaker 1: until your baby gets older. And that's what happened with me. 85 00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:12,280 Speaker 1: I know I've shared this story a lot, so I've 86 00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:14,200 Speaker 1: shared the short version. But you went out one afternoon. 87 00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:16,039 Speaker 1: I was exhausted. I was looking after the baby and 88 00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:18,039 Speaker 1: our three year old. The three year old wouldn't have 89 00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:20,320 Speaker 1: her nap. I lost the plot. It was that incident 90 00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:22,200 Speaker 1: that literally led to you and I having a sit 91 00:04:22,279 --> 00:04:24,800 Speaker 1: down conversation where you highlighted that I was not a 92 00:04:24,839 --> 00:04:27,280 Speaker 1: particularly good dad or husband for that matter, and I 93 00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:29,719 Speaker 1: chose to leave my radio career go back to school forever, 94 00:04:30,279 --> 00:04:32,120 Speaker 1: like eight and a half years of full time study 95 00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:34,719 Speaker 1: while we tried to keep our family growing and pay 96 00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:38,080 Speaker 1: off a mortgage, and I got my degrees plural so 97 00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:39,799 Speaker 1: that I could learn how to be a better dad. 98 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:44,480 Speaker 1: But it was all about my inability to be who 99 00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:47,480 Speaker 1: I knew that I was supposed to be. And what 100 00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:50,760 Speaker 1: I discovered through that is that self discovery hurts. As 101 00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:53,880 Speaker 1: I watched who I was becoming as a parent, I 102 00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:56,919 Speaker 1: didn't like it. It was awful, it was hard. I 103 00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:59,200 Speaker 1: was getting it so wrong. And those low points, with 104 00:04:59,279 --> 00:05:03,800 Speaker 1: the frustration and the exhaustion and the innate desire that 105 00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:06,800 Speaker 1: I had and still have to use my power to 106 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:09,919 Speaker 1: get what I want when the kids aren't playing nice, 107 00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:14,520 Speaker 1: it's horrible. It's just horrible. And so I wanted to 108 00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:17,719 Speaker 1: share in this podcast a whole lot of things around 109 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:20,440 Speaker 1: anger management from both mums and dads, because dad rage 110 00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:23,480 Speaker 1: and parent rage it's a real thing. We get exhausted. 111 00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:30,960 Speaker 2: A key line in the Atlantics article says, parenthood unhinges people, 112 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:38,040 Speaker 2: and it's not gender related. It unhinges both mums and 113 00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:40,880 Speaker 2: dads in this process, and that, like you said, that 114 00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:45,400 Speaker 2: sense of self discovery becomes quite unsettling for all of us. 115 00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:47,359 Speaker 1: But only if you're willing to do the self discovery. 116 00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,919 Speaker 1: I mean, some parents won't do that at all. They'll 117 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:52,160 Speaker 1: just say, my kids need to learn to listen, my 118 00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:54,920 Speaker 1: kids need to do as they're told. I'm the unilateral arbiter, 119 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:57,520 Speaker 1: I'm the one who knows everything here, and this is 120 00:05:57,600 --> 00:06:01,080 Speaker 1: just this is just kids being ridiculous and frustrating and pathetic. 121 00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:06,400 Speaker 1: But Kylie, I just think we discover so much about 122 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:10,200 Speaker 1: ourselves if we're willing to be introspective. We discover our impatience, 123 00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:16,320 Speaker 1: We discover our finitude, the inability that we have to 124 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:20,080 Speaker 1: actually navigate some of these challenging situations. They all show up. 125 00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:21,400 Speaker 1: I've got to share this. I mean, this was such 126 00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:22,719 Speaker 1: a good article. We will link to it in the 127 00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:26,279 Speaker 1: show notes. But yelling, it turns out, is a pretty 128 00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:30,080 Speaker 1: gendered issue. According to an article in Favely's Official Guide 129 00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:33,400 Speaker 1: to Anger Management, if testosterone can help you to throw 130 00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:37,000 Speaker 1: a baseball harder. A child psychiatrist says, then it can 131 00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:40,320 Speaker 1: also make you hurl your voice with greater volume and velocity, 132 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:43,080 Speaker 1: which is extra scary for a kid. It's not that 133 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:46,279 Speaker 1: mums don't yell, it's that fathers yell with more force. 134 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:48,960 Speaker 1: And I read that and it really, I mean, it 135 00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:51,440 Speaker 1: socked me between the eyes, because I'll often hear parents 136 00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:53,479 Speaker 1: say the kids will always listen to their dad, but 137 00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:55,719 Speaker 1: they won't listen to me. Mums say that all the time, 138 00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:57,880 Speaker 1: and I've always kind of wondered, what is it about that? 139 00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:01,559 Speaker 1: But there's something about the power that a dad has 140 00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:05,720 Speaker 1: that a mum doesn't. And again, there are some moms 141 00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:08,400 Speaker 1: who clearly do and who have a whole lot of 142 00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:10,960 Speaker 1: it there. But it's the way that a father can 143 00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:15,640 Speaker 1: hurl that voice. The adrenaline, the cortisol, the testosterone that 144 00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:18,760 Speaker 1: are making the man so much stronger in the way 145 00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:22,960 Speaker 1: that he shows up in frustration and anger at his kids. 146 00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:25,560 Speaker 2: But do you think part of that comes from that 147 00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:29,240 Speaker 2: need to fit into the stereotype of what it is 148 00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:34,800 Speaker 2: to be masculine firstly, and secondly, that need that generally speaking, 149 00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:37,720 Speaker 2: males have to fix things. 150 00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:40,480 Speaker 1: It could be Something that really struck me as I 151 00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:43,160 Speaker 1: was working through this article was that we're exerting our 152 00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:45,560 Speaker 1: control as we're losing it. And it's something that I 153 00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:47,200 Speaker 1: talk to parents about all the time. Is the more 154 00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:49,040 Speaker 1: you have to show your kids that you're in control of, 155 00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:50,640 Speaker 1: the less in control you actually house. 156 00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:51,040 Speaker 2: You've lost it. 157 00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:53,840 Speaker 1: Yeah, and it seems that as parents we just get 158 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:57,600 Speaker 1: so caught up in control and we all get angry 159 00:07:57,720 --> 00:08:02,400 Speaker 1: mums and dads. But there seems to be something particularly 160 00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:05,960 Speaker 1: I'm going to use the word violent, something particularly extra 161 00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:09,240 Speaker 1: strong about a dad's rage compared to a mum's rage 162 00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:12,400 Speaker 1: that I think is concerning and scary. And we don't 163 00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:16,040 Speaker 1: want to have to lose control to show control, because 164 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:17,600 Speaker 1: that means we don't really have any control at all 165 00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:20,440 Speaker 1: unless we pull out the big guns, and that's terrible 166 00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:23,480 Speaker 1: for so many reasons. Yelling backfires at rupture's relationships, that 167 00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:27,040 Speaker 1: undermines resilience, It increases anxiety and shame in our kids, 168 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:30,400 Speaker 1: and so many other things. So was there anything else 169 00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:32,120 Speaker 1: from the article that you really wanted to highlight? Because 170 00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:33,840 Speaker 1: I think because this is the podcast or the type 171 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:35,640 Speaker 1: of parent who wants answers, I think we need to 172 00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:37,959 Speaker 1: talk about how we can find solutions to the rage 173 00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:39,520 Speaker 1: that sometimes boils up inside us. 174 00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:41,120 Speaker 2: No, I think solutions are good. 175 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:48,040 Speaker 1: Let's do that after break. If you've got a team, 176 00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:51,640 Speaker 1: you're likely already worried about alcohol and drug use. As 177 00:08:51,679 --> 00:08:53,760 Speaker 1: a parent, you want to know how do we protect them, 178 00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:56,040 Speaker 1: how do we teach them? How do we know if 179 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:59,760 Speaker 1: they're up to something? Pot Pills and parenting will equip 180 00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:02,559 Speaker 1: an empower you to help your twins and teens navigate 181 00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:05,920 Speaker 1: one of the most challenging adolescent issues today. Available on 182 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:07,160 Speaker 1: the Happy Famili's webshop. 183 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:10,680 Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for a time 184 00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:14,120 Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now and I would 185 00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:17,720 Speaker 2: love some solutions. How do we help whip this raid? 186 00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:20,960 Speaker 1: The tame anger I'm going to share let me see 187 00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:23,240 Speaker 1: seven of them, six of them. I'll share six tips 188 00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:26,560 Speaker 1: to tame anger. Number one the mantra. Do you know 189 00:09:26,640 --> 00:09:28,600 Speaker 1: the mantra that I've been saying to myself now for 190 00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:31,120 Speaker 1: nearly twenty years, every time I start to get angry, 191 00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:34,440 Speaker 1: those words that I repeat over and over and over again, You. 192 00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:35,480 Speaker 2: Can't make me angry. 193 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:38,680 Speaker 1: No, that's not the one, but it is something that 194 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:41,160 Speaker 1: I teach the kids all the time. Now, I remind 195 00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:45,160 Speaker 1: myself to be calm and kind, but I don't say 196 00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:46,960 Speaker 1: it out loud, which is why you didn't know the answer. 197 00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:51,080 Speaker 1: But calm and kind. Practice a mantra that emphasizes what 198 00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:54,720 Speaker 1: you want to be, and repeat it when your fuse 199 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:57,440 Speaker 1: is burning. It helps you to get your motives right 200 00:09:58,160 --> 00:10:00,000 Speaker 1: and that way you get to focus more on connect 201 00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:05,280 Speaker 1: than correction. So that's my first one. Just rebalance yourself, 202 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:08,560 Speaker 1: reset to yourself. I guess. As an alternative, if you 203 00:10:08,559 --> 00:10:10,880 Speaker 1: don't want to have a mantra, you might just breathe, 204 00:10:11,559 --> 00:10:17,120 Speaker 1: pause inhale, or walk out or yeah, yeah, you know what, 205 00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:19,959 Speaker 1: walk out, get some nature into you, take some fresh 206 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:22,120 Speaker 1: air in look at the sky, look at the trees, 207 00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:25,560 Speaker 1: look at the grass, look at the moon, anything you're 208 00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:28,040 Speaker 1: not looking at your child in anger. It's the same 209 00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:30,439 Speaker 1: kind of idea. Calm and kind or taking a beat, 210 00:10:30,559 --> 00:10:33,600 Speaker 1: taking a moment, breathing. That's tip number one. 211 00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:34,920 Speaker 2: What's number two? 212 00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:38,079 Speaker 1: Speak softly because when we're getting angry, what happens is 213 00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:40,559 Speaker 1: our thought process speeds up and the volume of our 214 00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:45,720 Speaker 1: voice increases. Something remarkable happens. If we can soften our voice, 215 00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:49,160 Speaker 1: our children are more likely to hear us rather than 216 00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:52,040 Speaker 1: less likely, like they switch off. They get too scared 217 00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:55,120 Speaker 1: when we're yelling and screaming. But if we speak softly, 218 00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:57,960 Speaker 1: they listen more closely, and they do it without panicking 219 00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:00,439 Speaker 1: because they're not in fear for their backside. They're not 220 00:11:00,679 --> 00:11:03,560 Speaker 1: fear for their Nintendo or for their iPad or whatever 221 00:11:03,559 --> 00:11:05,319 Speaker 1: they think might get taken off them. Not that any 222 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:07,160 Speaker 1: parent who listens to this podcast would do that, but 223 00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:10,360 Speaker 1: you know what I mean. Number three, this is my 224 00:11:10,559 --> 00:11:13,280 Speaker 1: favorite one. This is the psychological distancing tool that I 225 00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:15,040 Speaker 1: talk about in some of my webinars, and I think 226 00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:18,000 Speaker 1: I've done a podcast or too on these ideas. You 227 00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:20,280 Speaker 1: might do this in a couple of ways. Number One, 228 00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:24,720 Speaker 1: speak to your angry self in the third person. So 229 00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:26,440 Speaker 1: I might say to myself. 230 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:28,960 Speaker 2: Kylie, I'm getting angry. Kylie, you're getting angry. 231 00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:30,600 Speaker 1: Kyly, you're starting to lose them. Yeah, but you would 232 00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:32,320 Speaker 1: say that. I wouldn't say that to you, because. 233 00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:34,920 Speaker 2: I'd say to me, Kylie, I can tell you're really 234 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:35,880 Speaker 2: starting to get worked up. 235 00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:38,600 Speaker 1: Yeah, Kylie, you're starting to get really really mad. Or Kylie, 236 00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:41,079 Speaker 1: you know better than this. That's what I would say. 237 00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:43,240 Speaker 1: It's like somebody outside of you who is actually talking 238 00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:45,760 Speaker 1: to you, and it kind of or another way of 239 00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:47,920 Speaker 1: doing it is saying, Kylie, I'm beginning to notice that 240 00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:50,080 Speaker 1: you're getting angry, and then you can laugh at yourself 241 00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:52,960 Speaker 1: about how silly you seem. But you're stepping out. It's 242 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,600 Speaker 1: like you're an outside observer looking in on yourself and 243 00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:58,880 Speaker 1: passing gentle judgment, not to shame yourself, but just to 244 00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:00,760 Speaker 1: remind yourself that you're not living up to where you 245 00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:01,160 Speaker 1: want to be. 246 00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:03,200 Speaker 2: Or you just do the fake smile in the mirror. 247 00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:06,080 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, that could work as well. Sometimes. Good luck 248 00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:07,880 Speaker 1: with that though, especially when you're getting really mad. 249 00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:09,040 Speaker 2: Number four. 250 00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:15,280 Speaker 1: I love doing this. Adopt a mental mentor. So maybe 251 00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:18,000 Speaker 1: you can picture a dad or a mum who absolutely 252 00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:23,720 Speaker 1: nails their parenting every time. They're patient, they're compassionate, they're 253 00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:29,120 Speaker 1: immortal maybe, but you can use that to channel them 254 00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:32,480 Speaker 1: like you can you can channel your inner mental mentor 255 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:35,120 Speaker 1: or pretend that they're there, that they're present, watching you 256 00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:37,679 Speaker 1: in your imagination, because you don't behave the same way 257 00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:38,680 Speaker 1: when you've got an audience. 258 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:40,920 Speaker 2: You know, no one is perfect all the time. 259 00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:43,439 Speaker 1: No, I know, but you don't know when they're not perfect. 260 00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:44,600 Speaker 1: You've only seen them when they're perfect. 261 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:46,520 Speaker 2: Because you say, that's what I'm saying. You just need 262 00:12:46,559 --> 00:12:48,280 Speaker 2: to be aware no one's perfect. 263 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:53,080 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, that's exactly right. Number five, do the opposite. So, 264 00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:56,080 Speaker 1: if you know that you're really angry and that you 265 00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:58,079 Speaker 1: tend to do things that you're going to regret when 266 00:12:58,080 --> 00:13:00,560 Speaker 1: you're angry, think about what the exact opposite of what 267 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:02,720 Speaker 1: you want to do is, and do that. I want 268 00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:05,400 Speaker 1: to yell them, Okay, I should speak softly. I want 269 00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:07,439 Speaker 1: to smack them. Okay, I should hug them or bring 270 00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:07,800 Speaker 1: them close. 271 00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:11,400 Speaker 2: Okay. So who in their right mind is going to 272 00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:14,760 Speaker 2: think that when they want to scream, it's because they're 273 00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:16,920 Speaker 2: not in their right mind. That's the point, right, you're 274 00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:18,520 Speaker 2: not in your right mind. So how do you get 275 00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:19,800 Speaker 2: to a point where you actually think. 276 00:13:19,679 --> 00:13:22,640 Speaker 1: That it's about practice and it's about practicing it when 277 00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:25,040 Speaker 1: you're not furious, when you're not losing it. But maybe 278 00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:27,200 Speaker 1: you can start to feel the agitation, and so you 279 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:29,400 Speaker 1: get in earlier think Okay, I'm starting to feel agitated. 280 00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:31,320 Speaker 1: What I'm inclined to do is this, But I know 281 00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:33,920 Speaker 1: I'm going to be better off if I do this. 282 00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:36,920 Speaker 1: I need to do the opposite. And I mean I've 283 00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:39,440 Speaker 1: told myself to do this hundreds of times over the years, 284 00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:41,280 Speaker 1: and it's powerful the way it works. 285 00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:45,200 Speaker 2: I haven't used that specific tool, but for me often 286 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:49,400 Speaker 2: it is just a remembrance of what I felt as 287 00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:53,600 Speaker 2: a child in that situation and what I wished had 288 00:13:53,679 --> 00:13:54,280 Speaker 2: have happened. 289 00:13:55,840 --> 00:13:57,280 Speaker 1: Yeah, beautiful, that's great idea. 290 00:13:57,360 --> 00:14:02,360 Speaker 2: Yes, so my parents, so obviously they'd get angry, But 291 00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:04,240 Speaker 2: what I really wanted them to do was tell me 292 00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:06,080 Speaker 2: that it was okay, that it was just a mistake, 293 00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:07,319 Speaker 2: and they understood that it wasn't. 294 00:14:07,679 --> 00:14:09,520 Speaker 1: That they loved you no matter what. And if you'd 295 00:14:09,559 --> 00:14:10,920 Speaker 1: gotten that, what would you have done? 296 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:13,280 Speaker 2: Just that feeling of safety and security. 297 00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:14,199 Speaker 1: Yeah. 298 00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:16,080 Speaker 2: And the reality is, when you think about the things 299 00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:19,280 Speaker 2: that drive us crazy about our children is they're never 300 00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:21,920 Speaker 2: trying to make us angry. 301 00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:25,000 Speaker 1: Not usually every now and again they are, but not usually. 302 00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:29,960 Speaker 2: You know, they're excitable, they're inquisitive. There, you know, they 303 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:32,800 Speaker 2: don't have the foresight that we have as adults or 304 00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:33,680 Speaker 2: the experience. 305 00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:38,160 Speaker 1: They're tired and exhausted and overwhelmed and don't know how 306 00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:38,880 Speaker 1: to deal with things. 307 00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:41,600 Speaker 2: They just need to feel safe and secure. 308 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,360 Speaker 1: Yeah, and your reaction, even if you share what you 309 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:47,600 Speaker 1: wish your parents had done, highlights just why this conversation 310 00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:51,120 Speaker 1: matters so much, because the shame and the anxiety, and 311 00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:54,240 Speaker 1: the ruptured relationships that are caused by our anger, they're 312 00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:57,440 Speaker 1: long lasting. You're in your forties and you still feel 313 00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:02,640 Speaker 1: that level of pain little Kylie when she was, when 314 00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:05,960 Speaker 1: she was just a kid and not getting it. You 315 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,320 Speaker 1: could spin it around as well, Kylie and look in 316 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:12,640 Speaker 1: the other direction. When I'm in my seventies and I've 317 00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:15,280 Speaker 1: got my thirty or forty year old son or daughters 318 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:17,640 Speaker 1: sitting at the table with me, what do I want 319 00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:21,120 Speaker 1: their reflections to be of those times where I could 320 00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:23,400 Speaker 1: have lost it but I didn't, or maybe those times 321 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:26,800 Speaker 1: where I did lose it. Like that mental time travel thing, 322 00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:29,160 Speaker 1: you've gone backwards, I'm going forwards, but it's the same thing. 323 00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:31,320 Speaker 1: It taps into those values and helps you to recognize 324 00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:33,360 Speaker 1: what you need to do rather than get angry. 325 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:34,720 Speaker 2: I love it. 326 00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:37,520 Speaker 1: And number six, So this one's a really important one 327 00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:40,400 Speaker 1: and I've saved it for last, and it's this. You 328 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:45,040 Speaker 1: need to look after yourself and seek professional help when 329 00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:47,480 Speaker 1: you need it. So spend time looking after your own 330 00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:50,000 Speaker 1: mental health. For your sake and for your kids. But 331 00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:53,720 Speaker 1: if there is rage in your system, then there is 332 00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:59,000 Speaker 1: work to do. Anger is a secondary emotion, It comes 333 00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:03,800 Speaker 1: from somewhere else. It's usually masking something, often fear, often sadness, 334 00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:06,840 Speaker 1: often stress. It's all of this stuff that we don't 335 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:09,000 Speaker 1: know what to do with properly. And we've got to 336 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:11,760 Speaker 1: do the inner work and know how to become emotionally 337 00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:14,560 Speaker 1: literate and manage and regulate our own emotions in healthy 338 00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:18,040 Speaker 1: and functional ways so that we don't start raging. If 339 00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:20,160 Speaker 1: we can get it together ourselves, then we look on 340 00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:22,720 Speaker 1: our children with compassion and kindness, and we respond to 341 00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:25,520 Speaker 1: their difficulty in such powerful ways. So those are my 342 00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:31,600 Speaker 1: six tips for helping to tame our parental anger and rage. 343 00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:33,680 Speaker 1: I hope there's been a helpful podcast. I hope that 344 00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:36,120 Speaker 1: it's answered some questions for you and giving you some 345 00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:41,240 Speaker 1: useful ideas to think through. The Happy Famili's podcast is 346 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:43,720 Speaker 1: produced by Justin Ruland for Bridge Media, with Craig Bruce 347 00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:47,280 Speaker 1: as our executive producer. If you'd like more information about 348 00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:50,440 Speaker 1: making your family happier, please visit us at Happyfamilies dot 349 00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:54,360 Speaker 1: com dot au. Tomorrow, an interview with Amantha Imber from 350 00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:57,160 Speaker 1: How I Work all about her brand new book, and 351 00:16:57,240 --> 00:17:00,520 Speaker 1: on Thursday, a podcast that we cannot wait for. It's 352 00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:02,880 Speaker 1: book Club Again, where Kylie and I share with you 353 00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:05,560 Speaker 1: the favorite books that we've read in the last month 354 00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:09,959 Speaker 1: or thereabouts and what we've learned to make our families happier.