1 00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:08,720 Speaker 1: Gooday and welcome to the Happy Families podcast, where you 2 00:00:08,720 --> 00:00:12,200 Speaker 1: get real parenting solutions every single day. It's Australia's most 3 00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:15,480 Speaker 1: downloaded parenting podcast. And today another one of your tricky questions. 4 00:00:15,480 --> 00:00:16,640 Speaker 1: What do you do when you've got an eight year 5 00:00:16,640 --> 00:00:19,840 Speaker 1: old that keeps on having temper tantrums, who is blowing 6 00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:23,759 Speaker 1: up and even being violent? Is there a difference between 7 00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:26,320 Speaker 1: eight year old boys and eight year old girls when 8 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:28,639 Speaker 1: it comes to the way they regulate their emotions and 9 00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:31,760 Speaker 1: deal with the big fat no that they hear every 10 00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:33,959 Speaker 1: now and again when they want more TV, more screen time, 11 00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:35,360 Speaker 1: or more of the thing that they want that you're 12 00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:37,720 Speaker 1: saying they can't have. We're going to discuss that as 13 00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:40,800 Speaker 1: our tricky question next on the Happy Families podcasts. 14 00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:43,720 Speaker 2: Hello and welcome to. 15 00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:46,440 Speaker 1: The Happy Family's podcast where you get real parenting solutions 16 00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:47,200 Speaker 1: every single day. 17 00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:50,720 Speaker 2: It's Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast where Justin and Kylie Coulson. 18 00:00:51,280 --> 00:00:53,960 Speaker 1: If you have a tricky question for us, Tuesday's the 19 00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:57,400 Speaker 1: day that we answer those questions. Just jump online at 20 00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:59,360 Speaker 1: Happy Families dot com dot you scroll down to where 21 00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:03,120 Speaker 1: it says talk now or record super simple system tell us. 22 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:05,200 Speaker 2: What's on your mind and we will answer it. Alternatively. 23 00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:07,399 Speaker 1: You can send us a voice note to podcasts at 24 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:10,000 Speaker 1: Happy Families dot com dot au. 25 00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:11,600 Speaker 2: All right, Carly, here we go. This is the one 26 00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:12,440 Speaker 2: that we've got for today. 27 00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:15,760 Speaker 3: Hi, doctor Justin and Kylie. Thank you for all the 28 00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:19,039 Speaker 3: suggestions that you give in your podcast. They are really 29 00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:21,960 Speaker 3: helpful and valuable and I listen to your podcast every day. 30 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:25,360 Speaker 3: I've been having some challenges with my nearly eighty year 31 00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:29,640 Speaker 3: old son, who is exceptional at school and has very 32 00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:34,320 Speaker 3: well behaved. He often wins awards for his behavior at school, 33 00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:38,959 Speaker 3: but something changes in him when he comes home. Whenever 34 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:44,320 Speaker 3: he doesn't like something, he just overreacts and physically reacts 35 00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:47,960 Speaker 3: and tries to push us or hit us. It's more 36 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:51,160 Speaker 3: so with mom rather than dad. And I have also 37 00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:55,600 Speaker 3: noticed that somehow he loves climbing on my shoulders, which 38 00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:58,200 Speaker 3: is something that I don't appreciate, and I have spoken 39 00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:01,840 Speaker 3: to him extensively about it, but it doesn't change. I 40 00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:04,760 Speaker 3: don't know what triggers that behavior, but I have noticed 41 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:09,080 Speaker 3: that every time he watches TV, and he's allowed thirty 42 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:12,680 Speaker 3: minutes of TV every day, when it's time to switch 43 00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:16,120 Speaker 3: off the TV, he doesn't really want to switch it off, 44 00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:20,120 Speaker 3: and after he's turned it off, that behavior starts. So 45 00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:23,040 Speaker 3: I don't really know how to handle this, and I'm 46 00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:25,960 Speaker 3: not quite sure how to even identify the triggers. What 47 00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:29,320 Speaker 3: is triggering that behavior. I don't know. He gets plenty 48 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:32,520 Speaker 3: of physical exercise, he goes to two different soccer clubs. 49 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:35,680 Speaker 3: He goes for piano, and he goes for cricket, And 50 00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:38,480 Speaker 3: I don't really know what else to give him. Is 51 00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:42,960 Speaker 3: that overstimulation from TV or perhaps it's lack of exercise 52 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:46,280 Speaker 3: with either of them. I don't think is a valid reason, 53 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:50,679 Speaker 3: but I just wanted your help to identify what triggers 54 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:53,320 Speaker 3: that behavior in him. Thank you so much for your time. 55 00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:54,680 Speaker 3: I really appreciate it. 56 00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:57,120 Speaker 2: Thanks all right, Carl, I have so much to say 57 00:02:57,120 --> 00:02:58,160 Speaker 2: about this, So. 58 00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:01,639 Speaker 4: Like Spain said, no to let's just okay. No. 59 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:04,160 Speaker 1: Like when somebody says to me that I need to 60 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:06,480 Speaker 1: turn off the computer, stop answering emails, come and be 61 00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:07,399 Speaker 1: with the family. 62 00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:09,080 Speaker 2: Put the book down, the book down, whatever it is. 63 00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:11,480 Speaker 1: It's like really, and it's the same when you two, 64 00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:13,119 Speaker 1: when you're told to get off the swing, or when 65 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:16,239 Speaker 1: you're twelve and you're told to get off TikTok, because 66 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:18,440 Speaker 1: you shouldn't be on it anyway, or sixteen, and even 67 00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:20,440 Speaker 1: when you're a grown up, this stuff is hard, Okay. 68 00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:23,680 Speaker 1: So this tricky question is really a conversation about emotion 69 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:26,720 Speaker 1: regulation and how to help an eight year old to 70 00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:32,280 Speaker 1: deal with the boundaries that are quite reasonably being set 71 00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:34,440 Speaker 1: by parents who love him and care for him. 72 00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:39,800 Speaker 4: So I remember when our youngest who's now twelve, was 73 00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:45,800 Speaker 4: around about eight or nine, and again, at school, she 74 00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:48,880 Speaker 4: was actually doing really really well, but she would come 75 00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:53,680 Speaker 4: home and we would have these massive outbursts, and it 76 00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:56,760 Speaker 4: wasn't for some time until we realized just how much 77 00:03:56,880 --> 00:04:00,280 Speaker 4: effort was going into that good behavior at school, the 78 00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:06,520 Speaker 4: conformity of positive peer pressure, let's say, and then that 79 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,840 Speaker 4: need to just kind of unleashould let go. 80 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:10,360 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a really popular narrative. 81 00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:12,160 Speaker 1: The other one that's really popular is just the idea 82 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:14,520 Speaker 1: that when your children feel safe, they can be whoever 83 00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:16,480 Speaker 1: they need to be in the moment, let and just 84 00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:18,520 Speaker 1: be their authentic selves, be their true selves, just let 85 00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:20,480 Speaker 1: their emotions fly, and if they feel like saying no, 86 00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:23,480 Speaker 1: they feel safe enough with you that they can do that. 87 00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:27,800 Speaker 1: Both of those narratives do hold some water, and yet 88 00:04:27,839 --> 00:04:30,160 Speaker 1: I resist both of them, especially when I listen to this. 89 00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:33,000 Speaker 1: So I'm not saying that they're wrong. I'm saying that 90 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:35,160 Speaker 1: there are other explanations that I find more compelling. 91 00:04:35,279 --> 00:04:36,720 Speaker 4: Well, I'm just going to put it out there that 92 00:04:36,839 --> 00:04:40,479 Speaker 4: when we pulled her out of school, the majority of 93 00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:41,920 Speaker 4: that behavior disappeared. 94 00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:46,440 Speaker 1: Yeah, except when we said no, right, I mean, because 95 00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:50,120 Speaker 1: this is we want what we want. So I've made 96 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:53,120 Speaker 1: some notes as I've listened very very carefully to this wonderful, 97 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:55,800 Speaker 1: wonderful mom who's doing her very best to navigate life 98 00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:58,080 Speaker 1: with an eight year old son. And I'm just gonna 99 00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:00,640 Speaker 1: whizz through some things. Feel free to cut me off, interrupt, 100 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:02,800 Speaker 1: or even push back if you need to. The first 101 00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:05,000 Speaker 1: thing I want to talk about is the extra curricular activities. 102 00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:09,840 Speaker 1: Two different soccer clubs, cricket and piano. And he's still 103 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:11,320 Speaker 1: not quite eight, about to turn eight. 104 00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:12,320 Speaker 2: That's a lot. 105 00:05:12,839 --> 00:05:18,400 Speaker 4: And they're all really structured, very controlled environments. 106 00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:19,920 Speaker 2: They're really controlled environments. 107 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:23,479 Speaker 1: And what I know is that increasingly we are putting 108 00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:27,520 Speaker 1: children under pressure to be in these structured, controlled environments 109 00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:31,440 Speaker 1: where adults are guiding them and they're being developed. Kids 110 00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:33,680 Speaker 1: are being developed there are projects. 111 00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:35,120 Speaker 2: It's all about, and. 112 00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:36,760 Speaker 4: There's kind of only one way to do it right. 113 00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:38,880 Speaker 4: To do it right, there's one way. 114 00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:44,880 Speaker 1: Yeah, So I tend to push back against getting your 115 00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:49,159 Speaker 1: children involved in structured activities before the age of nine 116 00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:55,000 Speaker 1: or ten, and specifically competition competitive pursuits where your identity 117 00:05:55,520 --> 00:06:00,440 Speaker 1: starts to become tied up with your results. And if 118 00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:02,039 Speaker 1: you're playing soccer and you're not doing very well, that 119 00:06:02,040 --> 00:06:03,280 Speaker 1: means you must be any good at soccer and you 120 00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:06,920 Speaker 1: must be a loser. The competitive aspects aren't necessarily good 121 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:09,320 Speaker 1: for young kids' resilience because their brain hasn't caught up 122 00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:12,080 Speaker 1: with exactly how competition works and what it's for now. 123 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:14,680 Speaker 1: I'm not saying that we should have this mum pull 124 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:16,880 Speaker 1: her kids out of these things. They are good things, 125 00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:21,960 Speaker 1: and I would rather him be in structured, adult led 126 00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:26,760 Speaker 1: activities than sitting at home playing roadblocks, for example, or 127 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:28,800 Speaker 1: stirring at a screen or whatever. It sounds like that 128 00:06:28,839 --> 00:06:31,039 Speaker 1: probably isn't going to be an issue in this particular home, 129 00:06:31,279 --> 00:06:33,520 Speaker 1: but it is an issue in many many homes. What 130 00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:36,200 Speaker 1: I would say, though, is this, have him involved in 131 00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:38,400 Speaker 1: activities where one he's got some choice in it. So 132 00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:40,240 Speaker 1: if he's hating piano, getting to play the drums, or 133 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:41,880 Speaker 1: get Hi to play the trumpe or the trombone or 134 00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:46,120 Speaker 1: the the obo, the obo. 135 00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:47,560 Speaker 2: Let's do that. 136 00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:49,800 Speaker 1: He'll probably get a scholarship at a fancy school because 137 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:52,400 Speaker 1: they can't get enough obo players for the orchestra. Get 138 00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:56,040 Speaker 1: him doing things where his friends are, and get him 139 00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:59,200 Speaker 1: doing things where it's not about competition. It's just about 140 00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:03,560 Speaker 1: enjoying and developing the confidence as he goes well. 141 00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:05,799 Speaker 4: I would go further and say that instead of having 142 00:07:05,839 --> 00:07:11,640 Speaker 4: structured activities, maybe organizing a playdate where there is no structure, 143 00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:12,920 Speaker 4: there's no expectations. 144 00:07:12,920 --> 00:07:14,760 Speaker 2: It's just having fun. 145 00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:16,920 Speaker 4: They're climbing trees, they're playing ball. 146 00:07:17,160 --> 00:07:20,000 Speaker 1: What happened riding a bikeross skateboard, maybe falling over and 147 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:20,760 Speaker 1: spraining a wrist. 148 00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:21,720 Speaker 2: It's okay. 149 00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:23,840 Speaker 1: Kids should do one thing every week that could land 150 00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:25,600 Speaker 1: them in hospital if it goes wrong. I don't have 151 00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:27,800 Speaker 1: a problem with them taking risks. You shake your head 152 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:29,960 Speaker 1: every time I say that. You really chape when I 153 00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:31,920 Speaker 1: say that, I don't want them to go to hospital. 154 00:07:31,920 --> 00:07:34,000 Speaker 2: It's about it's about learning to find the edges. 155 00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:36,080 Speaker 1: Though I'm pushing boundaries, and that's so healthy. For them, 156 00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:39,960 Speaker 1: So I wanted to say that about the extracurricular activities first. Generally, 157 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,640 Speaker 1: though in spite of my reservations, I would still say 158 00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:47,080 Speaker 1: in twenty twenty six, this sounds like a mum and 159 00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:50,440 Speaker 1: a dad who are doing great, and I wouldn't be 160 00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:53,280 Speaker 1: pushing for big changes here. The things that we've talked 161 00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:55,600 Speaker 1: about are going to be useful. Second thing, I've got 162 00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:59,720 Speaker 1: to talk about the TV situation, because this is the 163 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:03,240 Speaker 1: reality of every family that you talk to. 164 00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:05,360 Speaker 2: TV and screens. 165 00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:09,200 Speaker 1: I think half an hour a day's fine at this age, 166 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:12,360 Speaker 1: maybe even up to an hour. Honestly, when we were 167 00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:15,120 Speaker 1: listening to it, you whispered to me and said, is 168 00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:17,520 Speaker 1: he finishing the episode in half an hour? Or maybe 169 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:19,480 Speaker 1: a lot of episodes on to goo for twenty two minutes, 170 00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:21,360 Speaker 1: and so it's like, oh, well, I got to watch 171 00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:23,440 Speaker 1: one and a third, but I want to know what's 172 00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:26,520 Speaker 1: going to happen. So I think timing matters. I tend 173 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,600 Speaker 1: to think that we don't have to be really hardcore 174 00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:30,320 Speaker 1: rigid on this. We can be a little bit flexible 175 00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:30,920 Speaker 1: around it. 176 00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:32,880 Speaker 2: TV is vastly superior. 177 00:08:32,559 --> 00:08:34,280 Speaker 1: To being on any other kind of screen because there 178 00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:36,640 Speaker 1: is no algorithm reaching into their brain, nor is there 179 00:08:36,679 --> 00:08:41,120 Speaker 1: any persuasive design demanding that they stay attached. But TV 180 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:43,160 Speaker 1: does keep on going, right, Like if you don't turn 181 00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:45,280 Speaker 1: it off, it will keep going. Whereas when you're reading 182 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:47,240 Speaker 1: a book, eventually you're kind of like, I'm at the 183 00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:48,960 Speaker 1: end of the chapter and it is time for me 184 00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:50,000 Speaker 1: to touch grass. 185 00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:50,599 Speaker 2: It is time for it. 186 00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:54,160 Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm done, I've read enough for now. TV it 187 00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:56,640 Speaker 1: softens the brain, It makes the brain a bit squishy, 188 00:08:56,840 --> 00:09:00,520 Speaker 1: and it really does take away will power screens worse 189 00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:01,760 Speaker 1: other screens. 190 00:09:01,679 --> 00:09:04,680 Speaker 2: The interactive style. But TV a bit of an issue. 191 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:07,160 Speaker 1: I don't think that TV's the problem here, and I 192 00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:10,040 Speaker 1: don't think the extra curricular activities are the problem here either. 193 00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:12,960 Speaker 1: So after the break, we're going to talk about emotion 194 00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:16,840 Speaker 1: regulation and four strategies that could help with an eight 195 00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:19,120 Speaker 1: year old who's blowing up when he hears no. 196 00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:29,280 Speaker 2: Stay with We're back. It's the Happy Famili's podcast. 197 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:30,880 Speaker 1: If you're enjoying the pod, please share it with your 198 00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:33,599 Speaker 1: friend's family, anyone that you know that has kids that 199 00:09:33,679 --> 00:09:37,079 Speaker 1: might want their family to be happier and you think, hmm, Justin. 200 00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:39,320 Speaker 2: And Kylie talking about useful stuff. Share the pod please, 201 00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:41,240 Speaker 2: it helps get the word out, and that's how we 202 00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:43,000 Speaker 2: get to help more families. 203 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:46,760 Speaker 1: Kylie, as I listened to the challenges that this one's 204 00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:49,480 Speaker 1: having with her eight year old, I just thought, we've 205 00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:50,760 Speaker 1: got to talk about emotional regulation. 206 00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:51,560 Speaker 2: This is a critical thing. 207 00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:54,640 Speaker 1: So kids regulate their emotions when they're able to turn 208 00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:56,679 Speaker 1: them up or down appropriately for the context, in a 209 00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:59,920 Speaker 1: harmony with their long term goals. The reason that psych 210 00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:04,040 Speaker 1: cologists say that emotions aren't really the kids don't get 211 00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:05,959 Speaker 1: good at regulating emotions most of the time in most 212 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:09,959 Speaker 1: circumstances until they're at least nine or ten, is because 213 00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:12,839 Speaker 1: until then they're not really thinking long term. 214 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,560 Speaker 4: No, it's entirely in the moment. But they're also not 215 00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:18,800 Speaker 4: thinking about the other people either care it's fool about them, 216 00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:21,640 Speaker 4: egocentric and so now you get a few years where 217 00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:22,680 Speaker 4: they start thinking about other people. 218 00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:28,160 Speaker 1: And this is the frustration, because when we're talking about 219 00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:31,040 Speaker 1: boys particularly, they develop their emotion regulation a little slower 220 00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:31,640 Speaker 1: than girls. 221 00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:32,800 Speaker 2: That's the first thing. 222 00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:36,440 Speaker 1: They also develop empathy, that is the ability to see 223 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:38,880 Speaker 1: how other people are feeling, understand how they're feeling, even 224 00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:41,839 Speaker 1: feel how other people are feeling, way slower than girls. 225 00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:43,600 Speaker 1: And they actually experience a little bit of a drop 226 00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:45,480 Speaker 1: in their tween and teen years compared to girls who 227 00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:48,560 Speaker 1: continually get better at it. So when it comes to 228 00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:50,319 Speaker 1: boys and emotions, we're kind of fighting a bit of 229 00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:52,240 Speaker 1: an uphill battle. I've written a couple of chapters about 230 00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:57,239 Speaker 1: that in my upcoming book about boys, and it's absolutely compelling. 231 00:10:57,480 --> 00:11:01,200 Speaker 1: Developmentally as well. Boys are going through this being related 232 00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:04,760 Speaker 1: to their emotions called adrena key. So you've heard of 233 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:07,440 Speaker 1: meniche menichy is that time during puberty where a girl 234 00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:08,720 Speaker 1: has her first period. 235 00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:10,240 Speaker 2: A drena key. 236 00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:13,920 Speaker 1: This this is the adrenal gland. And with boys around 237 00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:18,040 Speaker 1: seven to eight, they experience a surge in the hormonal 238 00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:20,439 Speaker 1: precursors that they need for puberty, and that's called a 239 00:11:20,559 --> 00:11:24,440 Speaker 1: drena key, like adrenaline, but chg on the end adrena key, 240 00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:30,240 Speaker 1: and that leads to dramatic and rapidly changing moods and 241 00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:33,839 Speaker 1: increased sensitivity and often a whole lot of defiance. Why 242 00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:37,160 Speaker 1: because these hormones are going all through their brain and 243 00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:38,800 Speaker 1: body and we're saying no, and there's like, but I 244 00:11:38,800 --> 00:11:41,280 Speaker 1: don't like it. Plus they're becoming bigger and stronger. They 245 00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:43,360 Speaker 1: know they're becoming more mature. They feel like they can 246 00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:46,599 Speaker 1: take everything on now, even at the young. 247 00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:48,480 Speaker 2: Tender action, I feel like they're big people seven or eight. Yeah, 248 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:49,120 Speaker 2: that's right. 249 00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:52,080 Speaker 1: They're not like the little kids anymore. They understand what's 250 00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:56,439 Speaker 1: going on, and so that makes emotion regulation even harder. 251 00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:59,600 Speaker 1: They struggle with control issues and autonomy because they feel 252 00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:01,240 Speaker 1: like they're mature, they want to be able to do 253 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:05,240 Speaker 1: their own thing, their emotions become trickier. I've already mentioned empathy. 254 00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:09,439 Speaker 1: So let's talk about strategies because they're the developmental realities 255 00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:10,080 Speaker 1: that we're facing. 256 00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:12,600 Speaker 4: I'm feeling really sorry for this, mummy. Haven't painted a 257 00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:15,000 Speaker 4: really good picture right now. This feels like it's a 258 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:15,920 Speaker 4: losing battle. 259 00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:19,760 Speaker 2: Well it kind of is. I mean that was pessimistic. Sorry, 260 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:23,080 Speaker 2: let me rewind that, jay I help me out. Well, 261 00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:24,400 Speaker 2: it's not a losing battle. Missus. 262 00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:26,679 Speaker 1: Happy families, but as parents we need to be on 263 00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:28,720 Speaker 1: our toes and this can be a tricky time for 264 00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:29,200 Speaker 1: some of us. 265 00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:30,640 Speaker 2: Is that better? Did I say that? 266 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:31,120 Speaker 4: All right? 267 00:12:31,160 --> 00:12:31,520 Speaker 3: All right? 268 00:12:31,679 --> 00:12:32,720 Speaker 2: A little bit of a silver. 269 00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:35,559 Speaker 1: Arne put a positive sheene on a very very difficult 270 00:12:35,559 --> 00:12:38,440 Speaker 1: situation for strategy. Well, I'm adding a fifth one because 271 00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:41,320 Speaker 1: one post in my head just now. So we've got 272 00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:43,320 Speaker 1: a little boy who's turning into a big boy, who's 273 00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:45,200 Speaker 1: going to become a man. I don't think that it's 274 00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:48,720 Speaker 1: ever too early to start talking to our boys about 275 00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:51,480 Speaker 1: what it is to be a man. And when a 276 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:54,480 Speaker 1: young boy, or even a middle boy, or even a 277 00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:57,400 Speaker 1: teen boy starts to lose control of their emotion, daddy 278 00:12:57,440 --> 00:13:01,080 Speaker 1: boy or a daddy boy, it's important to say not 279 00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:03,920 Speaker 1: in the moment, but later on, when you got really emotional, 280 00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:09,600 Speaker 1: before that shut loss of control, A strong, healthy man 281 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:13,400 Speaker 1: doesn't use his strength to dominate and control and intimidate 282 00:13:13,520 --> 00:13:18,040 Speaker 1: and coerce. A strong, healthy man uses his strength to 283 00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:20,280 Speaker 1: be sensitive to others, to be considerate, to help others 284 00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:23,160 Speaker 1: feel safer and stronger. And in that moment, I didn't 285 00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:25,240 Speaker 1: actually feel safe or strong. I felt like you were 286 00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:27,679 Speaker 1: trying to weaken me. What kind of boy do you 287 00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:29,000 Speaker 1: want to be? What kind of man do you want 288 00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:32,920 Speaker 1: to be? And just repeating that idea that a healthy man, 289 00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:36,079 Speaker 1: healthy masculinity is helping the people around you feel safer 290 00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:38,800 Speaker 1: and stronger. You say that one hundred and fifty times 291 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:41,320 Speaker 1: a year, and it starts like Chinese water till it's 292 00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:43,320 Speaker 1: Eventually it gets into their head and when they do 293 00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:45,200 Speaker 1: things that do not help the people around them feel 294 00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,640 Speaker 1: safer and stronger, they kind of know that, I hang on, 295 00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:50,320 Speaker 1: I'm not quite living up to the expectation of what 296 00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:55,360 Speaker 1: a good, healthy, safe man does. So that's my first thing. 297 00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:59,520 Speaker 1: Just let's start this conversation about what healthy masculinity is early. Incidentally, 298 00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:01,200 Speaker 1: I think it's good to teach how girls that as well, 299 00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:02,839 Speaker 1: so they know that when they're around a young man 300 00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:04,720 Speaker 1: who does not help them to feel safe and strong, 301 00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:06,880 Speaker 1: they know that that's not the kind of young man 302 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:08,560 Speaker 1: that they want to spend time with. They can find 303 00:14:08,559 --> 00:14:10,480 Speaker 1: the ones that help them feel safe and strong. Okay, 304 00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:14,120 Speaker 1: my second solution with the TV. Come up with a 305 00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:19,160 Speaker 1: solution there where he knows before the TV goes off 306 00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:22,640 Speaker 1: and the fighter ups, he knows what's happening. So you 307 00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:25,080 Speaker 1: hand him the remote control and say you've got thirty minutes, kiddo, 308 00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:27,840 Speaker 1: or you've got two episodes, and you get a pinky promise, 309 00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:29,920 Speaker 1: and you say, what are we going to do afterwards? 310 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:31,400 Speaker 1: And this is the critical thing, what are we going 311 00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:34,520 Speaker 1: to do after the TV goes off? That you can 312 00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:38,360 Speaker 1: transition to happily because if he knows where he's going next, 313 00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:40,120 Speaker 1: and it's something he's looking forward to doing or he 314 00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:43,560 Speaker 1: feels good about doing. He's going to be much more 315 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:45,400 Speaker 1: willing to surrender the TV remote. 316 00:14:45,440 --> 00:14:48,800 Speaker 4: And you're not suggesting we reward him for handing the remote, well, 317 00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:52,560 Speaker 4: suggesting that we come up with next steps. So whatever 318 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,120 Speaker 4: the next step is in the routine, and. 319 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:56,560 Speaker 1: It could be as simple as, hey, you know what, 320 00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:58,920 Speaker 1: the TV episode's going to be finished and we're going 321 00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:01,400 Speaker 1: to be having dinner a twenty minut later. So after 322 00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:03,760 Speaker 1: the TV, it's straight into the bath or the shower 323 00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:06,920 Speaker 1: and then it's dinner time. Or after the TV, we've 324 00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:09,000 Speaker 1: still got that project that we were working on, and 325 00:15:09,040 --> 00:15:10,800 Speaker 1: I'm going to come and spend fifteen or twenty minutes 326 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:13,040 Speaker 1: on that with you as soon as TV's done. So 327 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:15,840 Speaker 1: this isn't a reward, This is a let's just map out, 328 00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:20,880 Speaker 1: as you said, next steps. Another thing that has been 329 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:23,280 Speaker 1: useful with some parents that I've spoken to is there's 330 00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:25,920 Speaker 1: a signal. The lights flash on and off five times, 331 00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:28,240 Speaker 1: and that's the you've got a minute to go, and 332 00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:30,720 Speaker 1: then the TV goes off, and that means that you 333 00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:32,320 Speaker 1: don't have to say any words. You don't have to 334 00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:35,680 Speaker 1: overload their brain with emotion, your own emotion and anticipation 335 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:37,320 Speaker 1: that I know this fight coming and we're going to 336 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:40,400 Speaker 1: have this antagonism. The light switch goes on and off 337 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:43,000 Speaker 1: five times, and your son just has to give you 338 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:43,640 Speaker 1: a thumbs up. 339 00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:45,000 Speaker 2: And now he's got a minute. 340 00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:47,120 Speaker 1: Or two to process that Okay, it's time to turn 341 00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:48,880 Speaker 1: the TV off, and then he just does it because 342 00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:52,360 Speaker 1: he's had that nonverbal, non human signal. 343 00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:56,840 Speaker 4: Lots of TVs have like timeless time on them, and 344 00:15:57,480 --> 00:16:01,280 Speaker 4: that way, again, you're not being the enforcer. The TV 345 00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:02,440 Speaker 4: itself does it for you. 346 00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:07,200 Speaker 1: We've found that to be useful in our home until 347 00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:09,480 Speaker 1: our children worked out how to get around it. But 348 00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:13,320 Speaker 1: it is useful when your children are younger. The last 349 00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:16,560 Speaker 1: couple of things explore Explain in power. Explore explain in power. 350 00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:18,320 Speaker 1: I've written about it in all of my books. You 351 00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:20,920 Speaker 1: can find it in podcast episodes where that's all we 352 00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:23,520 Speaker 1: talk about. I've got blog articles about it, so I'm 353 00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:26,400 Speaker 1: not going to elaborate on it now. But my three 354 00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:29,520 Speaker 1: ease of Effective Discipline explore explaining power everywhere. 355 00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:31,720 Speaker 4: So she's talked a lot about you know, the conversation 356 00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:34,880 Speaker 4: she's been having with her child. I wonder if there's 357 00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:37,760 Speaker 4: any questioning going on, if she's actually asking him to 358 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:41,840 Speaker 4: take perspective and helping her understand where he's coming from 359 00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:44,720 Speaker 4: as well. When our kids feel like we're working with them, 360 00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:47,640 Speaker 4: we're going to get much better compliance than when they 361 00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:50,200 Speaker 4: feel like they're being acted. 362 00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:53,680 Speaker 1: Upon, exactly because that compliance is self reinforcing. It's not 363 00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:55,760 Speaker 1: us making them do it, it's them saying this makes sense, 364 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:57,960 Speaker 1: and I value where we're going here. 365 00:16:58,000 --> 00:16:59,720 Speaker 2: That's what explore explaining power is all about. 366 00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:02,240 Speaker 4: Yea, So a conversation, I'm noticing that every time I 367 00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:05,200 Speaker 4: ask you to turn the TV off, we're having really 368 00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:07,359 Speaker 4: big upsets. I'm wondering if you can tell me how 369 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:09,639 Speaker 4: you're feeling about it and what we can do so 370 00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:12,040 Speaker 4: that this doesn't happen, because I love that you get 371 00:17:12,119 --> 00:17:14,840 Speaker 4: to have some downtime, but I don't love what happens 372 00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:16,320 Speaker 4: when it's time to chat it off. 373 00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:17,600 Speaker 2: Perfect Two more things. 374 00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:20,880 Speaker 1: Number One, I would say, if your child is doing 375 00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:22,720 Speaker 1: absolutely the wrong thing and he's been told and told 376 00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:24,680 Speaker 1: and told again, just make it really clear. 377 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:25,800 Speaker 2: You don't have to be polite about this. 378 00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:28,359 Speaker 1: You can just say I've asked you, you've just crossed 379 00:17:28,359 --> 00:17:28,760 Speaker 1: the line. 380 00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:29,520 Speaker 2: Stop it. 381 00:17:30,119 --> 00:17:31,760 Speaker 1: Like, I don't have a problem with parents being really 382 00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:33,840 Speaker 1: clear and really firm and really direct and sometimes even 383 00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:37,080 Speaker 1: a little bit blunt with their children, because sometimes kids 384 00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:39,680 Speaker 1: need to hear it really, really bluntly. There are some 385 00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:42,560 Speaker 1: things that don't sink in unless you make it abundantly clear. 386 00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:44,520 Speaker 1: And the last thing that I'd say is, none of 387 00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:47,199 Speaker 1: this stuff is one and done. Like you will have 388 00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:50,439 Speaker 1: these conversations in an enduring way, because it takes a 389 00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:53,200 Speaker 1: long time for children to learn how to regulate their emotions. 390 00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:53,959 Speaker 2: And figure it out. 391 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,120 Speaker 1: We really hope that this has been a helpful conversation 392 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,520 Speaker 1: for anyone whose kids are struggling with their emotion regulation 393 00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:00,919 Speaker 1: and having those big ups and downs. If you have 394 00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:03,520 Speaker 1: a tricky question, let us know via happy families dot 395 00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:06,080 Speaker 1: com dot au in our super simple system, or send 396 00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:09,159 Speaker 1: us a voice note to podcasts at happy families dot 397 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:12,920 Speaker 1: com dot Au. The Happy Families podcast, produced by Justin 398 00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:16,760 Speaker 1: Rouland from Bridge Media Mim Hammons, gives us all the admin, 399 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:19,119 Speaker 1: research and other support we need, and if you'd like 400 00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:21,159 Speaker 1: more in photo make your Family Happier, you'll find it 401 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:22,960 Speaker 1: at happy families dot com dot Au.