Speaker 1: Have you ever been for a run and midway through
Speaker 1: the run, thought I'm going to do a shit right now.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's something about running that compresses.
Speaker 1: It, doesn't it right? And you start. I always I'm
Speaker 1: a bit gassy on my runs. And then and then
Speaker 1: I went for a run the other day and I
Speaker 1: don't know if it's the fact that I've transitioned from
Speaker 1: Fiji food to Aussie food, but I was like four
Speaker 1: k's in and I was thinking, Fuck, I don't know
Speaker 1: if I'm going to make it home or not. And
Speaker 1: I was thinking, what am I going to do here?
Speaker 1: Like what's my bush poo? What is my call of action?
Speaker 1: I luckily you know when your body it knows there's
Speaker 1: a toilet coming. And I saw.
Speaker 2: Around It's like when you get to the front door, Like.
Speaker 1: I saw a toilet in the park and I was like, okay,
Speaker 1: we're on here. And I was like I was squeezing
Speaker 1: the butt cheeks as much as I could, and there
Speaker 1: was this old man was making his way also into
Speaker 1: the toilet, and I was like running, sprinting.
Speaker 2: Get the fuck out of the way.
Speaker 1: I cut in and I beat him and there's one
Speaker 1: cubicle and I don't normally do this, but I just
Speaker 1: I had to just relax and let gravity take control, because.
Speaker 2: Usually what you do is you wait for either the
Speaker 2: people in there to leave because you know it's going
Speaker 2: to be noisy, or them to hit their hand drug and.
Speaker 1: You're like, oh, it came out afterwards, and he was
Speaker 1: standing there waiting and I was just like, it's yours. Sorry,
Speaker 1: it didn't flash either, restarted the garment and quite a
Speaker 1: good pace.
Speaker 3: Home, really unloaded the carver.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to Two Day Dads, Iron Mattie Jay and
Speaker 1: this is a podcast that happens to be all about parenting.
Speaker 2: The good, the bad, and the relatable.
Speaker 1: And as always, there is no advice being given, a
Speaker 1: real advice sometimes advice accidental. Nine percent of the time
Speaker 1: no advice. There may be like one rand nugget that
Speaker 1: will pop up that not even ash and I knew.
Speaker 2: It was advice.
Speaker 1: Ashton.
Speaker 2: Yes, Matthew, something a little bit different.
Speaker 1: This morning. We are going to crack a better beer.
Speaker 1: But we're doing it for a very special reason. They
Speaker 1: call it, well, it's the ultimate treasure hunt this month.
Speaker 1: And you know you love a treasure hunt, ash more
Speaker 1: than anybody love it. And you know you're not doing
Speaker 1: dry July. You also are currently still unemployed, is that right?
Speaker 2: So this is my job now, my job, this is
Speaker 2: right up your alley.
Speaker 4: Exactly right.
Speaker 2: And they've hidden two bitcoins in especially Mark cases from
Speaker 2: Dan Murphy's and BWS of the zero Carb original better Beard.
Speaker 1: Now, I just I hate the fact that I've gone,
Speaker 1: I'm still doing dry July. So I've got I've got
Speaker 1: the zero out, which is that's not in the running.
Speaker 1: It's just just.
Speaker 2: The original, right which you've got zero carb yep, yep. Yeah,
Speaker 2: So especially Mark pact, they've hidden two bitcoins. Okay, I
Speaker 2: don't know how they've hidden them in there. I mean bitcoin,
Speaker 2: it's not a physical currency.
Speaker 1: We asked for details and they wouldn't tell us. I
Speaker 1: think partly because they thought that we were going to
Speaker 1: try and it's not.
Speaker 2: Going to be like one of those silly worm cans
Speaker 2: where you crack it and like the They're like, I'm
Speaker 2: not sure, but they're worth about forty five thousand dollars
Speaker 2: each at the moment.
Speaker 1: And they say that when you open it, they said,
Speaker 1: you will know that's obvious.
Speaker 2: You will know best to also check the t's and c's. Now,
Speaker 2: Unfortunately the Nanny States aren't involved. That's South Australia Act
Speaker 2: and the Northern Territory.
Speaker 5: Sorry about that, guys sucked in.
Speaker 2: Now I have a original here from especially Mark case.
Speaker 1: Okay, so we got to Can I just confirm if
Speaker 1: you crack that and you have a bitcoin in it?
Speaker 1: Are we going fifty to fifty? Your house is going
Speaker 1: to work?
Speaker 2: Tell no, because if I go fifteen to fifty threers,
Speaker 2: I'm going to get home.
Speaker 4: I've got to go fifty to fifty with my wife
Speaker 4: with what's left.
Speaker 1: Don't tell her.
Speaker 2: She's gonna hear that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we're just okay, fuck all right, you met April.
Speaker 1: We're going thirds.
Speaker 2: Laura doesn't need the money.
Speaker 1: Here we go, is it? Okay?
Speaker 2: Man? Technically I'm still winning because it's ten am on
Speaker 2: a Monday morning.
Speaker 1: Hope open another one. We're not leaving here. We're not
Speaker 1: leaving here until you finish the whole case.
Speaker 2: Okay, beautiful.
Speaker 1: I do have to say only for the month of July. Yes,
Speaker 1: those playing at home July, and.
Speaker 2: Yes, drink responsibly. Of course.
Speaker 4: You can check out the website better bee dot.
Speaker 2: Com dot are you get the full teas and c's
Speaker 2: find the bottle shop near you, BWS d is. Let's
Speaker 2: get into the episode, let's get stuck in passion.
Speaker 1: Is good to see you, mate. I know I missed you.
Speaker 2: I know you've been on holda I've been on your
Speaker 2: honeymoon with your kids.
Speaker 1: Did you you miss me?
Speaker 2: Sure?
Speaker 1: Well, you fucking messaged me enough.
Speaker 2: I messaged you and rang you enough, and well, look,
Speaker 2: always in the marketplace, things never stop. Just because you're
Speaker 2: on holidays doesn't mean the rest of the world is.
Speaker 2: But I did want to bring something up. Now, you
Speaker 2: were on your honeymoon, but also on your honeymoon, you
Speaker 2: had your birthday, and I missed the opportunity to have
Speaker 2: a bee with you on your birth I have a
Speaker 2: bee with you now, yours is a zero HOURC And
Speaker 2: I thought, what am I going to get? What do
Speaker 2: I get the man who has everything for his birthday?
Speaker 1: And you know you didn't have to get me anything.
Speaker 2: I've been doing some digging, did some digging. I found
Speaker 2: out from your lovely wife that your favorite actress is
Speaker 2: Nicole Kidman.
Speaker 1: It's not true. Did you say that?
Speaker 2: Yes? But I thought, what do I get the man
Speaker 2: who has everything? And I thought I'd love to get
Speaker 2: a personalized message from Nicole Kidman. Matthew. Now, Nicle Kidmen's
Speaker 2: a very busy lady, a lot, she's got a lot.
Speaker 4: On, so she's outsourced it.
Speaker 2: She's outsourced my request and I've managed to get you
Speaker 2: what I think he is a very very good birthday present.
Speaker 4: So if you'd like to press play on that one, Matthew.
Speaker 1: The.
Speaker 6: Happy Bethday mag G love from your favorite actress, Nicole Kidman.
Speaker 4: Happy Birthday mate.
Speaker 1: Wow.
Speaker 2: I told you she's a busy lady, So for her
Speaker 2: to actually book that in and get that personalized for you.
Speaker 1: I'm speechless. You have really outdone yourself here. How much
Speaker 1: should that cost?
Speaker 2: Priceless priceless memories?
Speaker 1: What is it like fifty bucks?
Speaker 2: What do you find that something like that?
Speaker 1: That's what I'm touched.
Speaker 2: I didn't know you were such a big fan of
Speaker 2: Nicle Kidman. I hate her.
Speaker 1: Every movie that has Nicole Kidman is just Nicole Kidman
Speaker 1: playing a character.
Speaker 2: She's never the character. But if Nicole, she's an Australian sweetheart,
Speaker 2: and you hate an Australian sweetheart. And I said to Laura,
Speaker 2: I said.
Speaker 4: Who does he hate?
Speaker 2: And she has to go to someone, so uber famous
Speaker 2: that it's never going to happen and ruin my plan?
Speaker 1: Did you message it?
Speaker 2: No? I just messaged the African dancers and they were like,
Speaker 2: we'll do it.
Speaker 1: What's that on? How do you even booked them?
Speaker 2: It's top secret. They're close friends of mine.
Speaker 1: Very good, all topless, all topless?
Speaker 4: Also is the photo of you?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Do you reckon? They were like, what the fuck
Speaker 1: is this?
Speaker 2: Probably when they saw Nicole Kimmen they were like, probably
Speaker 2: put it in their like.
Speaker 4: Portfolio of famous p people who have booked them.
Speaker 2: So I've done a few people favors here.
Speaker 1: Do you request them to include the photo or is
Speaker 1: that part of the package.
Speaker 2: That's part of the package. Love that and thank you
Speaker 2: Keish for the photo.
Speaker 1: What month is your birthday?
Speaker 2: I'm not telling I fucking tell us because I did
Speaker 2: the research on you. I even chat GPT and it
Speaker 2: gave me the wrong date. Remember it's had me April.
Speaker 4: My definitely wasn't you am?
Speaker 1: I are? We am? I close? I've got three four months.
Speaker 2: Where you're very clause.
Speaker 1: Give me all yours is coming up? Okay? Who is
Speaker 1: your favorite actor?
Speaker 2: Oh got to be Steve Carrell.
Speaker 1: Leave it.
Speaker 2: We got a lot of work to do my friend
Speaker 2: believe it anyway, happy birthday.
Speaker 4: I was going to get them to say happy fortieth birthday.
Speaker 2: I thought that might be a bit of a dig, a.
Speaker 1: Little prank start. Why why didn't you do that? What
Speaker 1: made you stop?
Speaker 2: I was drunk and I forgot?
Speaker 1: Well, thank you.
Speaker 2: It's classic move from me. Though.
Speaker 1: It's good to be back. It's good to be back.
Speaker 2: I think it was nice to have you back.
Speaker 1: I think we had to the first two days of
Speaker 1: the trip, we didn't really speak, and then I think
Speaker 1: we spoke pretty much every couple of hours after that.
Speaker 4: What's happening?
Speaker 1: Laura would always be like, I'd have like a little
Speaker 1: like sneaker to myself as I was looking at my phone,
Speaker 1: and then Laura's like, is that Ash, who are you messaging? Yeah?
Speaker 2: Yep, but it's it was good, a good trip, trip,
Speaker 2: good look, I mean, I mean, Fiji's beautiful.
Speaker 1: Fiji is lovely, Ash.
Speaker 2: It really is not too far away.
Speaker 1: For our flight, which is just the absolute dream. Before
Speaker 1: before we went on the trip, Laura was, you know,
Speaker 1: she was very excited. It's a honeymoon, okay, And like
Speaker 1: all good honeymoons, you want to have a bit of
Speaker 1: sexy time, oh yeah. And both Laura and myself extremely
Speaker 1: busy in a couple of weeks leading up to the
Speaker 1: date that we left. So you know, for us pre trip.
Speaker 2: No sexy time, just dancing with the stars.
Speaker 1: We couldn't get dancing with the stars was the priority,
Speaker 1: and so me and Laura were like, Hey, when we
Speaker 1: get to Fiji, we're gonna.
Speaker 2: Lock the kids in a cupboard somewhere.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we're gonna get it on.
Speaker 2: We'll only been there for a couple of minutes, so it's.
Speaker 1: Maybe six seven at the absolute most. But Laura and
Speaker 1: I were thinking, we're going to have like daytime sex.
Speaker 1: We're gonna have sex, you know, like in the bedroom,
Speaker 1: we're gonna have We're going to check in and at
Speaker 1: reception pretty much have sex there. Like we're just going
Speaker 1: to the whole time. We're like, yeah, oh my gosh.
Speaker 1: And we've got we've got this great little infinity pool
Speaker 1: and you know, maybe maybe we'll have a little frisker
Speaker 1: session in there, who knows, who knows, But we're gonna
Speaker 1: we're gonna make sure that we like work our way
Speaker 1: around the island in the apartment, out outside the apartment,
Speaker 1: and that was the plan. And we get on the
Speaker 1: plane leaving Sydney and then Laura looks at me with
Speaker 1: a really concerned expression on her face, and I was thinking, funk,
Speaker 1: what have we forgotten? You know, what are we you
Speaker 1: know what's going on? And she goes, I've got my period.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, period.
Speaker 1: Of day one of the trip.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I was like, Okay, it's such a buzz kill.
Speaker 1: It's a bit of a buzz kill.
Speaker 2: It sucks more for them. I should just add that
Speaker 2: in there. But look, yeah, buzz kill.
Speaker 1: But I was like, look, it's a small little bumper here. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we're not going to let this ruin the true.
Speaker 4: Jerk me out. It's fine.
Speaker 1: But then but then we get to Fiji and we've
Speaker 1: been watching the weather at the whole time. You know,
Speaker 1: you're like, what's it going to be like weather? Yeah,
Speaker 1: every second of the day. And it was beautiful, sunny
Speaker 1: every single day. Well there tops of twenty nine ah
Speaker 1: coming out of winter. Perfect day one. Because we land
Speaker 1: in Fiji pretty late, like we get in just on sunset.
Speaker 1: So next morning we wake up it's howling wind toweling,
Speaker 1: it's fucking like twenty two degrees, which is not a disaster,
Speaker 1: but it's just not you can't comfortably sit by the pool.
Speaker 2: Too much wind.
Speaker 1: Too much wind. You don't want wind on a honeymoon.
Speaker 2: No period and win women hate wind.
Speaker 1: Mate, myself included, Yeah, oh you got hair? Yeah mate,
Speaker 1: this this thing. I want to be looking good. So
Speaker 1: we're like, hey, this is fine, this is fine. I
Speaker 1: drop the kids in kids club and we're like, we
Speaker 1: can we can go for a sing by the pool.
Speaker 1: No one is by the pool because it's just it's
Speaker 1: not pool weather.
Speaker 2: It's cyclone and the cyclone season.
Speaker 1: And then we pick up Marley that afternoon from kids club.
Speaker 1: She's got conjunctive itists.
Speaker 2: Oh fuck, say yeah from kids club you reckon?
Speaker 1: Yeah, well you know it's daycare. I don't know she's
Speaker 1: she's this thing, had just been lurking there. And then
Speaker 1: it's like, and why does it come out as soon
Speaker 1: as we go overseas nightmare? Nightmare, next day, ash next day.
Speaker 1: I should mention also the fact that Lola really allergic
Speaker 1: to mosquito bites. They just they flare up.
Speaker 2: Is that what that wants?
Speaker 1: Did you see that photo?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 4: I was like, but young for acne.
Speaker 1: The first night she woke up in the morning and
Speaker 1: she'd just been like six or seven mosquito bites all
Speaker 1: over her face. They were fine in the morning, but
Speaker 1: as the day progress they start to flare up. So
Speaker 1: I'm thinking to myself, this is a holiday that we've
Speaker 1: been excited for for fucking months, and I'm like, this
Speaker 1: is going to be a disaster. Is this going to
Speaker 1: be I'm like, we're trying to stay positive, like this.
Speaker 2: Is your day too, and already a few things have
Speaker 2: gone wrong.
Speaker 1: This is going to be good. It got better. It
Speaker 1: got better. The weather clear period. We worked through that
Speaker 1: issue and we're going to.
Speaker 2: Details, Please don't. I do not need to know, but but.
Speaker 1: Yeah, rocky start. But then it came good the weather.
Speaker 1: The weather was beautiful, and it was just we had
Speaker 1: an epic nanny as well that you can We booked
Speaker 1: through the villa and kids Club. I wasn't sure if
Speaker 1: the kids would hate it or be into it, but
Speaker 1: too bad. They loved it.
Speaker 2: Because what Lola is too in a bit, so we.
Speaker 4: You just to she's as big as a four year old.
Speaker 1: She yeah, She's like, like, how old is she?
Speaker 2: She's seven, she's fifteen?
Speaker 1: Send her in. But we went with Laura's sister, so
Speaker 1: she has Laura's sister has two kids. With our two kids,
Speaker 1: they all kind of went as a team, plus the
Speaker 1: nanny as well, so they were fine. You know, I
Speaker 1: feel like you have to adjust to living on the island,
Speaker 1: you know, the island time.
Speaker 4: Yeah, they definitely operate on their own clock.
Speaker 1: They're very chilled. They're very chilled. And I remember we
Speaker 1: dropped them off at kids club. Said to the nanny, Hey,
Speaker 1: just so you know, Lola and Tazzy that's Laura's sister's kid,
Speaker 1: the similar age. They come back at midday for a nap.
Speaker 1: They'll have like an hour and a half nap. Is
Speaker 1: that all right? And she's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's
Speaker 1: totally fine, not a problem. So you know when you
Speaker 1: come back, come back at midday, nap time, all sorted,
Speaker 1: thumbs up, we're locked in.
Speaker 2: Good for the afternoon.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And then we're chilling in the villa. It's like
Speaker 1: twelve fifteen and we think, oh shit, they're not they're
Speaker 1: not back yet. It's not massive, but to get around
Speaker 1: you have to call a buggy from reception. And I
Speaker 1: messaged the nanny because we were on WhatsApp with them
Speaker 1: and I say, hey, you're good to come back. It's
Speaker 1: twelve fifteen. Now the kids need a nap, and she's like, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm currently organizing the kids. I'll be back in a second.
Speaker 1: Like goog great. It's like twelve thirty still no kids.
Speaker 1: And you know if anyone who doesn't have kids, they
Speaker 1: are they run on a strict routine.
Speaker 2: You know, it gets there, you've stuffed the routine up,
Speaker 2: your stuff, your whole afternoon up, and they get cranky.
Speaker 1: Right, and it's like, you know, kids are fine until
Speaker 1: eleven fifty eleven fifty five, they're like, I'm gonna go
Speaker 1: to fucking sleep.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm tired now.
Speaker 1: Anyway, I'm calling it now on what's happen, being like, hey,
Speaker 1: just seeing where you are, and she's like, I'm just
Speaker 1: waiting on a buggy. I'll be there in a second.
Speaker 1: So by the time the kids come back, it's like
Speaker 1: one o'clock. And then after the kids go to bed,
Speaker 1: I pull the babysitter aside and I'm like, hey.
Speaker 2: Discipline there, and I didn't want to be that strict.
Speaker 2: She obviously doesn't understand that, like it's so vitally important
Speaker 2: for something maybe with Island kids, it's not so important,
Speaker 2: but I don't know.
Speaker 1: But yeah, So I was like, I just want to
Speaker 1: explain to her. I was like, you know, it's now
Speaker 1: one o'clock, it's an now past their bedtime. We just
Speaker 1: really need to make sure that we get them in
Speaker 1: bed by midday. And she's like, nah, no, it's okay.
Speaker 4: She's gone rogue.
Speaker 1: And I was like, oh no. The thing is like,
Speaker 1: it's not okay because they really have to be in
Speaker 1: bed by a certain time. And I was like, trying
Speaker 1: to be really polite to her. She looks at me
Speaker 1: and she goes, nah, no.
Speaker 2: It's all good, and you politely sucked her on the spot.
Speaker 1: I was like, how can I how can I be
Speaker 1: more more than you? She was like, shut up, You're
Speaker 1: on an island.
Speaker 4: She's probably raised about fifteen kids.
Speaker 2: Who's this white bolly trying to tell me how to
Speaker 2: look after these kids?
Speaker 1: Literally, I was like, well, I guess hey, we're all good.
Speaker 2: And the thing is with the with with like the
Speaker 2: Fijian they're always lovely lady.
Speaker 1: She's like beautiful. Kids loved her. Yeah.
Speaker 2: It was funny because one of the teachers that kind
Speaker 2: us is a Fijian Calisia Feli something like that. Lovely amazing,
Speaker 2: And when we went to feed you with the kids,
Speaker 2: Oscar was like just calling all of them Calise obviously
Speaker 2: so young doesn't understand, but like yeah, they probably just
Speaker 2: like we don't work on no your schedules, bro.
Speaker 1: Even there was a few nights where so we would
Speaker 1: normally have her until like five o'clock and then a
Speaker 1: few nights we wanted to have a nice parent evening
Speaker 1: kids away at home, and so we would book her,
Speaker 1: but the last she would go back to the mainland.
Speaker 1: So the last boat was at nine thirty, Okay, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: and so we kind of what time do you need
Speaker 1: to be down at the jettie bi to get that
Speaker 1: boat and she's like, ah, She's like, if you're back
Speaker 1: by like nine thirty, that's fine. And we were like, oh,
Speaker 1: but isn't the last boat at nine thirty And she's
Speaker 1: like yeah, and we're like, so, but if we're back
Speaker 1: at nine thirty, you have to get down to the
Speaker 1: jetty and she's like, yeah, nine thirty five, nine forty,
Speaker 1: like whatever, Like.
Speaker 2: We knows them that she probably knows that that way,
Speaker 2: they probably know she's there totally. They're probably thinking no
Speaker 2: nanny left by right.
Speaker 1: I think the first two or three days, I think
Speaker 1: everyone's just saying they come in and they're like, you know,
Speaker 1: fucking Sydney people so high stretch.
Speaker 2: It's probably used to dealing with you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, where are my kids?
Speaker 2: Fifteen?
Speaker 1: She's like, shut up. But it was good. Kids loved
Speaker 1: her weather. It was amazing. Laura and I on the
Speaker 1: day of my birthday, she organized the snorkel trip. So
Speaker 1: we had like three and three and a half hours
Speaker 1: just just Laura and me on a boat and it
Speaker 1: was fucking beautiful.
Speaker 4: Did you hit the carver?
Speaker 1: We didn't know there was a carver?
Speaker 2: Did I just see some video of you like dancing
Speaker 2: around like you buddy, you're possessed?
Speaker 1: No, that was I was on the rosees Rose Carver.
Speaker 1: It's yeah, traditional Fiji and Rose got me good.
Speaker 2: Twenty three dollars a glass.
Speaker 1: I was like, do we get the drinks package? But
Speaker 1: it was great, it was great. I am you know,
Speaker 1: I love I love Snorkel. You do it? I love.
Speaker 4: I can't do it.
Speaker 2: What do you mean I can't do it?
Speaker 1: I can't swim or I can swim?
Speaker 2: Fine, thank you. It's the snorkeling for me, which part
Speaker 2: just the whole thing, I don't know. I can't I
Speaker 2: find that I can't breathe in it. So a few
Speaker 2: years ago before kids, April and I did like a
Speaker 2: big trip through Southeast Asia, like four months through Southeast Asia,
Speaker 2: and we went to Cambodia, and the south coast to
Speaker 2: Cambodia is beautiful anyway you can go out really cheap
Speaker 2: to island hopping and snorkeling.
Speaker 4: We hired like a boat for like it was like
Speaker 4: a hundred.
Speaker 2: Bucks for like the whole day beautiful fishing, like swimming beautiful,
Speaker 2: and one it was snorkeling.
Speaker 1: But at this point you'd snorkeled before, right, It wasn't
Speaker 1: as if you were I'd snorkeled before.
Speaker 2: But same thing. I just find I can't breathe through
Speaker 2: the tube. Gotcha, there's not enough oxygen for me. I like,
Speaker 2: this is how you.
Speaker 4: Do it anyway?
Speaker 1: How long can you last?
Speaker 2: About ten seconds? Like give me.
Speaker 4: Whenever I go snork and I usually chuck and.
Speaker 2: Gogles on, hold my breath and just go down and
Speaker 2: do what I need to do. But I just don't
Speaker 2: like it, do not like it. And on this particular occasion,
Speaker 2: after I had tried it a few times or whatever,
Speaker 2: because I was in my twenties.
Speaker 1: Does April like it?
Speaker 2: I think she she doesn't really care.
Speaker 1: Not snorks.
Speaker 4: She doesn't give a shit out.
Speaker 2: Yeah anyway, And in Southeast Asia, as you do as
Speaker 2: a young backpackage, if you drink a lot, you drink
Speaker 2: a lot of beers. So obviously I'm probably on the
Speaker 2: back of a three month.
Speaker 1: Times have changed. Ash, what's not a backpack anymore? What's
Speaker 1: your excuse.
Speaker 5: I've got kids, two of them, so you get and
Speaker 5: a beer sponsor, so you're backpacking backpacking. Had a big
Speaker 5: night and like, look, we've been drinking on this boat too,
Speaker 5: and we're with some people from Melbourn and that we
Speaker 5: met like it was a cool, little private, little dinghy boat.
Speaker 2: Beautiful, don't get me wrong. And we stopped to do
Speaker 2: some snorkeling and everyone's like, yay, snorkeling.
Speaker 1: And I can't fucking wait.
Speaker 2: I'm still a little bit seedy from the day before.
Speaker 2: I'm like, coming good, put the snorkel on, hopping the water,
Speaker 2: Oh okay. The first or second time, I like kind
Speaker 2: of dip my head down, and I think the second
Speaker 2: or third time I've spewed up into the tube. Oh shit,
Speaker 2: but it's gone up. April said, she just saw this
Speaker 2: thing bubble out of the tube and then what didn't
Speaker 2: bubble out has just sucked back into my throat and
Speaker 2: I've swallowed it back down. Sorry about that.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I'm fucking dry.
Speaker 2: Reaching gross. Eh look for me at the time, very
Speaker 2: gross because it just started a really bad cycle of
Speaker 2: me vomiting dis continue it for that small and then
Speaker 2: it was in the water, and then the fish was great. Anyway,
Speaker 2: we got out of there real quick. But yeah, I
Speaker 2: can't do the snorkeling thing. I can't.
Speaker 4: And like I've noticed with you and.
Speaker 2: Your holidays holidays, you always find somewhere to snorggle. It'd
Speaker 2: be like you could be in the out back Australia
Speaker 2: and be like, look, he's a really good little pond.
Speaker 2: We can snorkeling. I love it.
Speaker 1: I love it. Nothing Nothing makes me happier than being
Speaker 1: fully submerged in a body of water.
Speaker 2: Oh new we.
Speaker 1: Literally, that's that's that's my jam. I always thought you
Speaker 1: were this, I guess up until now, a perfect man.
Speaker 1: But I've just found your achilles heel.
Speaker 2: That's one thing I just don't I just don't like.
Speaker 1: Which is so weird because you're, like your sirf a
Speaker 1: water child. Yeah yeah, yeah, maybe something happened in a previous.
Speaker 2: Try and make it complicated. I just get claustrophobic with
Speaker 2: the tiny little not everyone can breathe through a tiny
Speaker 2: tube something I'm very good at.
Speaker 4: You seem to be, do.
Speaker 1: You you scuba dives? Oh?
Speaker 4: No way, would I ever know chance, I'd be up
Speaker 4: on the news. I'd be to be like well.
Speaker 2: Some say he vomited so much in his in his
Speaker 2: suit that he took it in within every orifice of
Speaker 2: his body, and he died thoughts and prayers he drowned
Speaker 2: in his own vomit in the bottom of the ocean.
Speaker 2: Some say good riddance.
Speaker 1: I'm actually I am shocked right now. I'm shocked right now.
Speaker 1: I feel like I want to take you snorkeling so
Speaker 1: I can clear you of this like fear of the
Speaker 1: small tube. Come with me on a holidays.
Speaker 2: Done, let's go, let's go. Now what else? What else
Speaker 2: have you missed since you've been away? I don't know
Speaker 2: if you saw Matthew, but forell Oscar's birthday, I bought
Speaker 2: him a kite.
Speaker 1: Oh you did that little cheeky video of actually there's
Speaker 1: a video with no Oscar, just you running laps up
Speaker 1: and down the park with the kite. Is that the
Speaker 1: kite you're talking about?
Speaker 2: Yeah, So no one told me that kiting is hard.
Speaker 4: I was not expecting it. So we bought this kite.
Speaker 2: And there's the thing when with kids and you buy
Speaker 2: them something, they want to use it immediately, but kite
Speaker 2: not the case. Wasn't windy for like two weeks, and
Speaker 2: Oscar didn't quite understand that. So for every day for
Speaker 2: two weeks he was like, can we fly the kite?
Speaker 2: Not windy? It's not windy enough?
Speaker 1: Was it actually not windy enough? Or were you just
Speaker 1: making up excuses.
Speaker 4: A bit of both?
Speaker 2: Yeah, great, yeah, fifty to fifty Yeah, two weeks. I
Speaker 2: had to endure this.
Speaker 4: And look, I'm never buying him a.
Speaker 2: Toy again that he can't use immediately. I think there's
Speaker 2: you know, we said, there's no advice. Here's some advice,
Speaker 2: a toy they can use instantly.
Speaker 1: Because kids have zero patients, they don't understand it. It doesn't
Speaker 1: it's not something that they have within their like little
Speaker 1: tiny kid.
Speaker 2: Mine Eventually we get a nice windy days a Friday.
Speaker 2: Everyone was at home.
Speaker 4: It wasn't weekend sports.
Speaker 2: So there's a soccer field just up from us.
Speaker 1: Great, a big sun. Sun was out. Was it blowing
Speaker 1: like twenty four knots. I don't know what that is.
Speaker 2: It was blowing in a direction and it was constant
Speaker 2: enough to hold a kite up.
Speaker 1: Potentially, I'm imagining right now, you've got this like wind
Speaker 1: sock set up at the backyard of your house and
Speaker 1: every morning, quick get in the car.
Speaker 2: Yeah, he's just running an airport in the backyard. And
Speaker 2: I was like, okay, let's go down. And I was
Speaker 2: in the car with April and I turned around. I said,
Speaker 2: do you know what fly kit.
Speaker 1: Kite licensed?
Speaker 4: And she was like, no, do you I was like,
Speaker 4: quick google it.
Speaker 1: I fly kights like I snorffled as I google it,
Speaker 1: hungover and vomiting.
Speaker 4: Just Google like a just google, like a quick tutory.
Speaker 1: But it's like you just put you to release it.
Speaker 2: Right. You're just like you think that there's a couple
Speaker 2: of things you shouldn't mix.
Speaker 1: Please enlighten me.
Speaker 2: You shouldn't mix string and toddling. Yeah, that's number one.
Speaker 1: It's like tangle heaven.
Speaker 4: We get there.
Speaker 2: I'm like, looking at this kite going.
Speaker 1: Many other kite flyers at the park, You're the only
Speaker 1: one which is also quiet. I get anxiety just thinking
Speaker 1: about the fact that other parents are there, going, Oh,
Speaker 1: the fucking dad with a kite, right, let's let's see
Speaker 1: what he's got.
Speaker 2: Yeah, there was a guy like doing the lines of
Speaker 2: the soccer field. He was looking at me. He's looking
Speaker 2: at me intimidated. Yeah, and I set this thing up.
Speaker 2: First of all, it was back. I was trying to
Speaker 2: catch wind in the wrong part.
Speaker 4: I didn't go up.
Speaker 2: But then I didn't realize how aggressive it could be
Speaker 2: once I've got it up. So I'm like, but the
Speaker 2: thing is as well. Oscar's like, can I have a town?
Speaker 2: I'm like, I can't even get it going. Some of
Speaker 2: that video where I was just like, fuck it, I'm
Speaker 2: just gonna run really fast with it, and April was
Speaker 2: just laughing at it off at this fucking fully grown
Speaker 2: there trying to fly card.
Speaker 1: It's like wrestling a while the animal.
Speaker 4: It's like I couldn't get it off.
Speaker 2: I couldn't. Eventually, when I did get it up in
Speaker 2: the air, I was like, lo, this bad, and Oscar
Speaker 2: was like, it's scary, and I was like, because it's
Speaker 2: like a dragon shape, it's not just your run of
Speaker 2: the mill triangle, diamond whatever.
Speaker 1: You've gone all out, you've got the animal.
Speaker 2: Well I went to get the cheap one and they're
Speaker 2: sold out. Yeah, the expensive one didn't I because he
Speaker 2: wanted a kite so bad anyway, So eventually I.
Speaker 4: Figured it out.
Speaker 2: I'm like, okay, I just you know, tinkered with it
Speaker 2: a little bit, like so that it was the right
Speaker 2: angle at.
Speaker 1: This point, are you how many minutes? In twenty minutes?
Speaker 2: Now, shit cower in and I think the whole time
Speaker 2: Oscar has been like you want to turn, I'm scared. Meanwhile,
Speaker 2: Macy's legging it away from this scary dragon. But the
Speaker 2: thing is, it was so windy that when it got
Speaker 2: in the air, it was like fucking flailing about and
Speaker 2: then it would hit the decks so hard. And then
Speaker 2: eventually the string got tangled, and then Oscar comes over
Speaker 2: to help me with the string, and then Oscar got
Speaker 2: fucking tangled.
Speaker 4: Then Oscar goes to run away.
Speaker 2: And because his tangle is tripped over and he's fallen
Speaker 2: over and there's tears Anyway, long story short, we have
Speaker 2: thrown the kite out. Yeah, get rid of it, and
Speaker 2: more advice from me, don't buy a kite n It's honestly,
Speaker 2: it's harder than parenting.
Speaker 1: It's like Plato. I fucking hate Plato so things.
Speaker 2: It feels weird on your hands.
Speaker 1: It leaves awful residue on your fingers, and you have
Speaker 1: to watch the Michael Hawk the moment you stop watching
Speaker 1: your kids with Plato, it ends up on the carpet,
Speaker 1: it ends up in the hair on their shirts. And
Speaker 1: Lola absolutely anything like I look over and she's like
Speaker 1: half a tub down.
Speaker 2: Just.
Speaker 1: At it stopping.
Speaker 2: And then I really like this red one.
Speaker 5: Tell me loud, tell me.
Speaker 1: Did you see the review that someone left?
Speaker 2: I don't. I don't see. I don't go through this.
Speaker 1: It was good, it was good. They said, we want
Speaker 1: more of that song.
Speaker 2: At least sing a single. It's funny that maybe.
Speaker 1: At some point, either on the anniversary of our first episode,
Speaker 1: we can do like an extended release on Spotify. The
Speaker 1: music video cover just an idea, throwing it out there.
Speaker 2: Love it. Anyone that knows how to produce a music
Speaker 2: video please hit us up right now, because that is
Speaker 2: something I want to do.
Speaker 1: How hard could it be that hard?
Speaker 4: If the talent is the hardest part, You've already got that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I've got this comedic voice that it's honestly nazily singing.
Speaker 1: Tell me, la shut the fuck up, stop it right now.
Speaker 1: Have you told any lies recently?
Speaker 2: I feel like I'm consistently lying all the fucking time
Speaker 2: to my kids.
Speaker 1: April never would never lie. I don't think I actually
Speaker 1: I've just been bribing my kids when I was away
Speaker 1: over in fig But I have had some very good
Speaker 1: lies submitted by the listeners, as she fucking quickly read
Speaker 1: you one if I may.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I've got one that someone sent too. I've
Speaker 2: sent someone someone that sent me a meme though. That's
Speaker 2: a really great lie that people would have heard of before.
Speaker 2: It's quite lengthy, So you do yours first, Ash, shut up.
Speaker 1: I thought you saw this message.
Speaker 2: No no, no, no no no, because I don't read
Speaker 2: the dance.
Speaker 1: It's very, very very similar to your kite story. But
Speaker 1: I'll read this. This is from Lauren Laurence's lovely to
Speaker 1: get your message. She says, Hey, two doting dads. I
Speaker 1: love the podcast except for Ash's voice.
Speaker 2: That's made up.
Speaker 1: That was very clever. I'm a step mum of three
Speaker 1: and find your content relatable and hilarious. I didn't have
Speaker 1: to read this.
Speaker 2: Front part, but I just give us a bloody little pash.
Speaker 1: Of the ego. I do have to confess, though, I
Speaker 1: tell my eight year old step son a lie regularly.
Speaker 1: My parents bought him a kite for his sixth birthday,
Speaker 1: so that's two years ago, and I've been telling this
Speaker 1: boy for the last two years. It's not the right
Speaker 1: weather to fly a kite. Light breeze, na, sorry, mate,
Speaker 1: Howling winds ooh nah, mate, just blowing in the wrong direction,
Speaker 1: gale force winds. No way you get blown away with
Speaker 1: the kite. Why. I don't really know. I couldn't think
Speaker 1: of anything worse than standing outside, picking up the same
Speaker 1: kite that hasn't taken off for the fiftieth time and
Speaker 1: launching it back up into the sky. It's not for me.
Speaker 1: It's just not windy enough.
Speaker 2: That's great, is this? I didn't even see that mess?
Speaker 1: Did you write that in this?
Speaker 2: It's not for me?
Speaker 5: Are you?
Speaker 1: Are you pretending to be Lauren there?
Speaker 2: No, it's amazing coincidence. It's kit it's kite season.
Speaker 1: I would love to know how many if there is
Speaker 1: any parent out there who genuinely has had a successful
Speaker 1: day flying a kite with a toddler, do you exist?
Speaker 2: The fuck thing is this is legitimately true. Is yesterday
Speaker 2: we went up to this skate park that's like a
Speaker 2: big park as well, but it's pretty quiet, and a
Speaker 2: family comes along with their kite flies it perfectly like
Speaker 2: I'm looking up at this thing.
Speaker 1: Where they dress in suits, hair perfect? Are these people real?
Speaker 2: Sweatbands was like a sport for them. Fantasting The kids
Speaker 2: were like anyway, so maneuver that. I'm like, show off.
Speaker 1: This is very heavy on the kite content. You know
Speaker 1: when Bali they have those kites that fly above the
Speaker 1: rice fields and they just sit there perfectly like no
Speaker 1: one's even manning the kite.
Speaker 2: It's scarecrows holding onto that thing like it's perfect.
Speaker 4: Whenever that's what it was like.
Speaker 1: Whenever I see that, that really entices me of like
Speaker 1: my internally.
Speaker 4: Is that your aviation.
Speaker 1: Taps into that. My mouth starts watering and I'm like,
Speaker 1: maybe I should get a kite. And then I speak
Speaker 1: to you, you tie.
Speaker 2: Your toddler up with the string and then throw it out.
Speaker 2: I've hidden it at least anyway, that's a that's coincidence.
Speaker 1: Yeah, talk about coincidence.
Speaker 2: Definitely wasn't me. I do want to go through uh
Speaker 2: someone saying this is only like yesterday or today.
Speaker 1: But someone says, can I just say please, just really quickly.
Speaker 1: I do read the m and I reply to people
Speaker 1: and I enjoy it, and a lot of people say
Speaker 1: when I reply, they go, I didn't think anyone would
Speaker 1: reply to it, because.
Speaker 2: See what I'm doing. I'm setting a standard and you're
Speaker 2: do we.
Speaker 1: Want to we want to hear from people message in
Speaker 1: I'm there, and you won't hear from ash, You'll hear
Speaker 1: from me, and I welcome them.
Speaker 2: With open eye sign off that it's as I've seen.
Speaker 1: Your fucking replies. You're like cool, story, thanks, whereas I'm like, ah,
Speaker 1: tell me more, Susan, what's you lie? Tell me?
Speaker 2: Okay?
Speaker 4: So this is the this is you would know this.
Speaker 2: It's a meme as well. Sometimes I put movies on
Speaker 2: that are in Spanish, and when my kids get really
Speaker 2: confused and ask why they can't understand it, I tell
Speaker 2: them that they're just tie it and should probably take
Speaker 2: a nap, right fucking brilliant, brilliant. But then when they
Speaker 2: wake up from the nap, I put the same movie
Speaker 2: on in English and they think they're better.
Speaker 4: Well played, Bravo.
Speaker 2: That's great. I think like, look, I'm going to give
Speaker 2: it a go.
Speaker 1: That's very manipulative. Yeah, you're a psychopathic and in an
Speaker 1: impressive way. I'm not judging. I'm saying well done.
Speaker 2: It's great. Yeah, I think that's outstanding parenting.
Speaker 1: You have tried it, or you will try it.
Speaker 4: I'm going to give a go.
Speaker 2: Yeah, see what the outcome is.
Speaker 1: I feel like Macy will be like, ash, you've just
Speaker 1: put it on. Clearly it's in Portuguese, whereas Oskoo will
Speaker 1: be like, oh my god.
Speaker 2: They both come out speaking fluid.
Speaker 4: Portuguese.
Speaker 2: Will show you we can watch anything.
Speaker 1: Alright, As before we go, we do have time, I
Speaker 1: think very quickly. For some listener questions, love them. This
Speaker 1: is what I would say. Oh my favorite part of
Speaker 1: the podcast.
Speaker 2: Yeah, mine's just getting to look at your face.
Speaker 1: Ah, you uninterrupted, such a beautiful man. That's a lie. Okay.
Speaker 1: Question number one is potty training? How the hell do
Speaker 1: you do it.
Speaker 2: On a women? A prayer? Look I've only potty trained
Speaker 2: Oscar in the last three months before returning for let's
Speaker 2: just say in the last six months. I'm still gonna wipe. Yeah,
Speaker 2: last night I said to him, I might look next pooh,
Speaker 2: you do give it a crack?
Speaker 1: No, mate, you can't do that. It's it's because this
Speaker 1: morning Marley was like, I'm gonna do a WII and
Speaker 1: she's pretty good now, and we is like, yeah, fine,
Speaker 1: I don't care like whether you wipe or you don't
Speaker 1: wipe dry Yeah, yeah, fine. We went to daycare. I
Speaker 1: came back and she'd gone through like two fucking toilet
Speaker 1: rolls on the floor Like it was.
Speaker 2: No, I'm going to ration the toilet. I'm gonna give
Speaker 2: him a square. Ye make it work so that you have.
Speaker 1: To you have to give them a limited supply. Marley
Speaker 1: got into the She was just like going nuts.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Macy does that, but she's just does it because
Speaker 2: it's fun.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I get it.
Speaker 1: So what was can I ask Ash? What was what
Speaker 1: was the kind of bribery signal? What was this signal?
Speaker 1: Were you guys man, okay coolars ready for potty training?
Speaker 2: Probably when I he pooped in an appy, right, I
Speaker 2: opened it up, my finger slipped into it, and I
Speaker 2: thought to myself, We're done. I'm not fucking doing this anymore.
Speaker 2: You can get out of my house. No, I was like,
Speaker 2: this is fucked. I was like, I'm essentially cleaning a
Speaker 2: grown humans asshole.
Speaker 4: I'm not a nurse anyway, and then I.
Speaker 2: Just said, look, Originally he was petrified of the toilet,
Speaker 2: like I'm talking, sitting there going crying, and I had
Speaker 2: to either bribe him or threaten him that I'm going
Speaker 2: to flush him down if he doesn't do it.
Speaker 1: And then eventually we got that.
Speaker 4: We got there.
Speaker 2: Now he's like I always. He was like, I need
Speaker 2: to do a pool.
Speaker 4: I'm like oh.
Speaker 2: Then and then it goes like two minutes later, it's
Speaker 2: like I'm done.
Speaker 4: I'm like, oh, I just fell out of you.
Speaker 2: He likes that.
Speaker 1: Little dad joke for it. I've still got a But
Speaker 1: it's also the hardest part initially when they start, because
Speaker 1: the first week, the first two weeks, it sucks. It's awful.
Speaker 1: It's the pits because you just every twenty minutes you
Speaker 1: have to take them to the toilet and go time
Speaker 1: for a week and just like you'll sit there your wait.
Speaker 1: You might get away. You might not next twenty minutes
Speaker 1: go again, and you obviously forget it'll be like an
Speaker 1: hour and you go shit and then you look at
Speaker 1: it as a puddle on the floor. Yeah, you have
Speaker 1: to prepare yourself for the fact that you have to
Speaker 1: go everywhere with like three pairs of undies and pants.
Speaker 1: And it also it sucks if you think you're going
Speaker 1: to do a really quick car trip.
Speaker 2: And then all of a sudden they're piss in the
Speaker 2: seat and.
Speaker 1: Then you're like, I've got been in the car for
Speaker 1: like half an hour and you're like you look over
Speaker 1: and you're like, oh, you've got to piss. Please, don't shit,
Speaker 1: don't do it. Don't It's very stressful. It's a very
Speaker 1: stressful period.
Speaker 2: To shame them enough, they're not going to just do it.
Speaker 2: So let's go with that.
Speaker 1: And on that note, we'll go to the next question.
Speaker 2: Matthew, is man flu a real thing or is it
Speaker 2: an excuse to get out of your responsibilities.
Speaker 1: Look, it's a very good question, and I will be
Speaker 1: honest here. I'm going to let you in on some
Speaker 1: medical knowledge.
Speaker 4: That doctor Matthew J.
Speaker 2: Johnson.
Speaker 1: I can't remember where I read this, but it is
Speaker 1: it's fact that man flu is a real thing. It's
Speaker 1: I think on average diagnosed, medically diagnosed man flu is
Speaker 1: three point five times more severe than a normal female flu.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, it's there's not enough awareness. I would say I
Speaker 2: liken it to childbirth. I would say it's on par
Speaker 2: on par yeah, and we're gonna get canceled for that.
Speaker 1: It's really pretty bad. I wish when I got the flu,
Speaker 1: I don't want to lay in bed all day and
Speaker 1: be on TikTok and Instagram. I want to be there
Speaker 1: with Laura amazing.
Speaker 2: In the trenches. Want to be in the trenches.
Speaker 1: I want to be there as well, flying kites with
Speaker 1: the kids in the park. I want that ash. I wish.
Speaker 1: I wish I wasn't so ill that I cannot parent.
Speaker 2: And look, I am very guilty of if I'm like
Speaker 2: April's very like. April's like, oh, I'm not feeling well,
Speaker 2: might go for a run, do a full days work,
Speaker 2: go to the gym. I'm like, I'm not feeling well.
Speaker 2: I'm not going to leave the bed today.
Speaker 1: I think Laura is it like and at the drop
Speaker 1: of a hat she will be absolutely fine, and then
Speaker 1: she'll go, oh my god, I'm so queasy. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I think I'm gonna throw up. And I'm like, well
Speaker 1: from what, like, what is it? We're like literally walking
Speaker 1: on the pavement and she's like, oh my god, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna throw up. Next thing. She's like, oh fine, fuck
Speaker 1: did that rogue illness just come from?
Speaker 2: And then she's brand new. It's like, you know what,
Speaker 2: my immune system is even stronger.
Speaker 1: Now there it is. Whereas I don't do that. When
Speaker 1: I get sick, it happens, it's via, it's intense, and
Speaker 1: it's over in a couple of days, Whereas Laura, I
Speaker 1: also have to say that Laura is going to edit
Speaker 1: this podcast. So I'll just take the opportunity, Laura to
Speaker 1: tell you that I love you. You're amazing, You're beautiful, but
Speaker 1: you're always sick and I'm fed up of it. But
Speaker 1: I love you more than anything.
Speaker 2: Okay, I would say, man, flu is one hundred percent real,
Speaker 2: and it's an epidemic, and you need to give us
Speaker 2: and every other man out.
Speaker 1: There as much sympathy as possible.
Speaker 2: As much sympathy is possible, should we.
Speaker 1: Take a moment for all the men who may be
Speaker 1: suffering suffer joke me off. What's the cue of the
Speaker 1: bad flu?
Speaker 4: Yeah, getting jerked off, Get jerked off, jerk it out
Speaker 4: of me.
Speaker 2: And on that, Matthew. That's all we get out of
Speaker 2: it today.
Speaker 1: There's only one thing that'll kill this man. We need
Speaker 1: to jerk it out of him.
Speaker 2: There on the hour, every hour, there's nothing coming out.
Speaker 2: You've done your job.
Speaker 1: Come back.
Speaker 2: I'm sick again.
Speaker 1: I really took a turn, didn't it.
Speaker 2: Sure did. Anyway, that's all we have time for, and again,
Speaker 2: thank you for joining us.
Speaker 1: Leave a review, follow, subscribe if you have. If you'll
Speaker 1: say I've said it before, I'll say it again. If
Speaker 1: you give us a nice compliment on dms on Instagram,
Speaker 1: they're pointless. It's not a good deed because I'm reading it.
Speaker 1: No one else is. I need any love and affection
Speaker 1: to be public. Okay, I'm very needy. I want to
Speaker 1: know that you like us, So if you do want
Speaker 1: to say something nice, there's only one place for it.
Speaker 2: Even if you don't want to say anything nice, I
Speaker 2: couldn't give two shits.
Speaker 1: You know, it's karma. If you want good karma coming
Speaker 1: your way, write a review on Apple Podcasts and.
Speaker 2: Gon do a competition for the best review.
Speaker 1: Genius marketing, Genius right.
Speaker 2: I will jerk you off.
Speaker 1: That you make sailer Kay