WEBVTT - How To Get Over Being Ghosted 👻 0:00:00.920 --> 0:00:04.440 Flex and Frooms, Flex and Froomes. This is the Flex 0:00:04.480 --> 0:00:05.960 and Frooms catch up podcast. 0:00:09.039 --> 0:00:13.720 It's Flex and Frooms. Happy April, guys. It's Flexi's birthday month. 0:00:13.760 --> 0:00:16.759 Mine was last last month. It's really good to be 0:00:16.840 --> 0:00:22.040 here at Kaita Flexi. You're wearing little tiny cow shoes 0:00:22.560 --> 0:00:23.520 and I must say. 0:00:23.360 --> 0:00:24.000 I bring this up. 0:00:24.040 --> 0:00:26.840 Don't objectify me. I don't want to be perceived visually. 0:00:26.960 --> 0:00:29.600 We can talk about my thoughts and my experiences. 0:00:30.240 --> 0:00:33.199 You are so much more than your cow hoofs, and. 0:00:33.159 --> 0:00:35.440 Yet it's all you talk about. When's the last time 0:00:35.440 --> 0:00:38.680 you complimented my brain? It's too big. 0:00:38.720 --> 0:00:39.920 I can't comprehend it. 0:00:40.040 --> 0:00:43.560 Brookie, on the other hand, No, is desperate to be objectified. 0:00:43.640 --> 0:00:46.040 She is wiggling her little toe saying look them in 0:00:46.080 --> 0:00:50.080 for me. She has a pair of crocs on the slide, 0:00:50.080 --> 0:00:52.560 crocs with a fluffy inside and there sparkly. I really 0:00:52.600 --> 0:00:54.600 stand them, Brookie. Their their mint. 0:00:55.280 --> 0:00:56.320 She got little sockis with them. 0:00:56.320 --> 0:00:59.400 She's a comfort girl today with your cat jumpsuit on. 0:00:59.440 --> 0:01:02.000 See some people dressed to be dressed to be seen. 0:01:02.960 --> 0:01:05.360 I too dressed to be seen, just not by me. 0:01:05.840 --> 0:01:08.520 No, I think I don't like it most of the time, 0:01:08.600 --> 0:01:11.040 like when I change my hair and walked into the office, 0:01:11.080 --> 0:01:13.440 I'm like, can you please stop talking at me about 0:01:13.480 --> 0:01:16.720 what I look like? It's not a nice feeling, you 0:01:16.760 --> 0:01:19.440 know how. No, I won't bring this up, but we 0:01:19.480 --> 0:01:23.319 had a conversation a time where you know, as soon 0:01:23.360 --> 0:01:26.040 as people talk about you to your face, it validates 0:01:26.080 --> 0:01:29.600 people like are aware of what you look like. Literally, yes, yes, 0:01:29.880 --> 0:01:31.920 I don't want to feel that way that when I 0:01:32.040 --> 0:01:34.520 change or when I do wear makeup or don't wear makeup, 0:01:34.520 --> 0:01:35.680 people are taking note. 0:01:35.800 --> 0:01:38.200 Oh my god, I totally understand how you feel. Then okay, 0:01:38.280 --> 0:01:38.880 that's interesting. 0:01:39.040 --> 0:01:39.560 Yeah for me. 0:01:39.600 --> 0:01:42.480 For some reason, I assume because it's fashion, it's like 0:01:43.360 --> 0:01:46.080 not and it's something that you like, it's like not 0:01:46.360 --> 0:01:47.720 it wouldn't make you feel uncomfortable. 0:01:47.720 --> 0:01:48.720 But that's so true. 0:01:48.800 --> 0:01:50.600 I think it's also when I can't tell that people 0:01:50.760 --> 0:01:53.640 talking about me are peers, Like when someone with a 0:01:53.680 --> 0:01:56.920 similar fashion sense, similar style is talking about it, I'm like, okay, 0:01:56.920 --> 0:01:58.440 you get it. But then I think a lot of 0:01:58.440 --> 0:02:00.320 time people come from the angle of like, oh this 0:02:00.400 --> 0:02:03.120 is so quaky and I could never and you're so confident. 0:02:03.160 --> 0:02:06.320 I'm like, shut up, facts, let's stop talking. 0:02:06.080 --> 0:02:09.919 About it very interesting, FLEXI, Well, if I ever get 0:02:09.919 --> 0:02:13.040 my hands on my monkeys, they'll come back to you. 0:02:13.120 --> 0:02:15.520 I think I give everyone permission to discuss them, even 0:02:15.560 --> 0:02:16.440 if you think they're fuggly. 0:02:17.400 --> 0:02:21.560 No, No, let's get to the podcast you're listening to. 0:02:21.639 --> 0:02:23.080 Flex and Frooms on. 0:02:23.840 --> 0:02:27.800 Ghosting is real phenomena those occurring in the current state. 0:02:28.240 --> 0:02:32.040 Ghosts have been around since time immorial. However, the option 0:02:32.160 --> 0:02:34.840 of doing it in a dating context would be relatively new. 0:02:34.840 --> 0:02:38.079 I'd new millennium exactly. I mean, I'm sure it would 0:02:38.080 --> 0:02:39.400 have happened in the eighties and the nineties. 0:02:39.720 --> 0:02:43.080 But as parents, they've done it since the beginning of time. 0:02:43.680 --> 0:02:43.880 Oh. 0:02:43.960 --> 0:02:46.920 True, people go through their families constantly, but. 0:02:46.880 --> 0:02:48.600 It just hits different when it's in dating, doesn't that, 0:02:48.639 --> 0:02:53.000 FLEXI just heats real different. I personally have never been ghosted, 0:02:53.040 --> 0:02:55.360 but I know many people that have redacted. 0:02:58.600 --> 0:03:00.000 I said that, and yes, I've definitely been going. 0:03:01.200 --> 0:03:06.359 And so I'm always looking away to recoup the emotions 0:03:06.400 --> 0:03:09.680 and the ego that are destroyed in the processing Andy. 0:03:09.560 --> 0:03:12.840 Ghosted, the lost investment it really is, and the lost future. 0:03:12.960 --> 0:03:15.079 So I've gone on to wiki how and I've googled 0:03:15.200 --> 0:03:17.120 how to get over being ghosted. This one is for 0:03:17.200 --> 0:03:19.800 my girls and my boy bosses and everyone else in 0:03:19.800 --> 0:03:24.639 between who date. Someone goes on one date is expecting 0:03:24.680 --> 0:03:26.480 the world, has a great time, and then no follow 0:03:26.560 --> 0:03:29.160 up has been done, so you need kind of pain. 0:03:29.800 --> 0:03:31.600 But it's something that we need to how do you 0:03:31.639 --> 0:03:34.920 say combat? And this is how to get over being ghosted? 0:03:35.680 --> 0:03:39.120 Number one. Let's say the communication is slow. We did 0:03:39.120 --> 0:03:42.360 have a predicament in the flexing froom's office recently where 0:03:42.960 --> 0:03:44.200 one of us. 0:03:44.200 --> 0:03:45.360 It wasn't flex. 0:03:46.680 --> 0:03:49.680 Was awaiting a follow up text that never arrived and 0:03:49.760 --> 0:03:51.880 so she had to take it into her own haze. 0:03:52.360 --> 0:03:53.760 Sorry sorry gender disperson. 0:03:54.640 --> 0:03:57.600 They had to take it into their own hands behest 0:03:58.000 --> 0:04:01.200 their emotions. So if communication is slowing down, you want 0:04:01.200 --> 0:04:04.800 to try text this, Oh, I know Wikia is coming FIRS. 0:04:05.280 --> 0:04:08.360 You just mind your own business, like yourself saying how 0:04:08.360 --> 0:04:10.960 I'm the person until they want you back? Got it 0:04:11.040 --> 0:04:11.400 all right? 0:04:11.440 --> 0:04:14.200 And I quote hi, I want to check in. I'm 0:04:14.240 --> 0:04:16.400 getting the sense that you're no longer interested. If that's 0:04:16.440 --> 0:04:19.200 the case, will you let me know? And then if. 0:04:19.400 --> 0:04:22.359 They're definitely letting you know before then they just had 0:04:22.480 --> 0:04:25.280 enough time. They were wigging out. Now it's definitely it's 0:04:25.320 --> 0:04:25.839 a jung. 0:04:25.760 --> 0:04:26.960 Zil and just a weird late. 0:04:27.760 --> 0:04:29.719 And if I don't respond, here's what you text stuff 0:04:29.720 --> 0:04:32.560 to being ghosted before you stop communicating. I wish you'd 0:04:32.600 --> 0:04:35.279 have told me how you felt. I feel mutual respect 0:04:35.279 --> 0:04:37.479 when there's two way feedback. It hurts my feelings to 0:04:37.480 --> 0:04:40.200 be ghosted. Take good care. I think that's a bit. 0:04:41.080 --> 0:04:41.320 Look. 0:04:41.320 --> 0:04:43.880 I'm in two months. I recently, as you know, listen 0:04:43.920 --> 0:04:45.520 to He's just not that into you. A two thousand 0:04:45.560 --> 0:04:50.160 and four piece of how do you say anthropological is significance? 0:04:50.320 --> 0:04:52.559 It spawned a movie. It came from Sex and the City. 0:04:53.480 --> 0:04:55.880 Totally gendered, totally two thousand. 0:04:55.560 --> 0:04:59.719 And four, but still heterosexual precisely, but still some interesting 0:05:00.640 --> 0:05:04.440 points when we're talking about heterosexual relationships. And they said 0:05:04.560 --> 0:05:07.560 that you shouldn't do the follow up pay message because 0:05:07.560 --> 0:05:09.520 the message is loud and clear. If they're not messaging you, 0:05:10.120 --> 0:05:10.880 it is what it is. 0:05:10.920 --> 0:05:11.400 Personally. 0:05:11.880 --> 0:05:13.560 I see the vision for that, but I still want 0:05:13.560 --> 0:05:15.760 to get closure, even if the closure is someone telling 0:05:15.800 --> 0:05:17.599 me that they're not interested. I'm happy to take the 0:05:17.680 --> 0:05:18.560 hurt so I can move on. 0:05:19.400 --> 0:05:19.840 I get that. 0:05:20.040 --> 0:05:22.000 But then let's say all is done and we need 0:05:22.040 --> 0:05:24.680 to get over the ghosting. What do you do? Number one, face. 0:05:24.520 --> 0:05:27.240 Reality it looks like this person isn't giving you what 0:05:27.240 --> 0:05:30.560 you need. It can help immensely to accept the fact, 0:05:30.920 --> 0:05:33.680 rather than adding to the story by ruminating, rationalizing, or 0:05:33.720 --> 0:05:38.920 excusing behavior classic anxiety techniques. Number two Allow your feelings. 0:05:39.080 --> 0:05:41.080 This is the point that I don't really understand, because 0:05:41.880 --> 0:05:44.919 a big part of like sitting with your emotions is 0:05:45.040 --> 0:05:46.800 just that, just sitting and allowing them. I don't know 0:05:46.839 --> 0:05:48.960 how that personally works. I would love to work towards it, 0:05:49.000 --> 0:05:51.960 but apparently that's what you should do. Another idea is 0:05:51.960 --> 0:05:53.080 to do a spew letter. 0:05:53.120 --> 0:05:53.800 Have you heard of this? 0:05:54.240 --> 0:05:58.520 No, It's when you write down everything, all the things 0:05:58.560 --> 0:06:01.920 you hated about them, feelings, and then you either like 0:06:02.000 --> 0:06:04.200 scrunch it up or you call a friend and recite 0:06:04.279 --> 0:06:05.359 the poem. 0:06:06.440 --> 0:06:09.039 You've so done one of them. This one felt like 0:06:09.200 --> 0:06:10.360 an addition from your brain. 0:06:11.160 --> 0:06:12.680 Well, it is here in wiki how But I did 0:06:12.720 --> 0:06:15.760 do that after my first relationship. I bought a diary 0:06:16.320 --> 0:06:19.000 and I would write down all the everything and I 0:06:19.040 --> 0:06:20.719 still have it to this day. And it was actually 0:06:20.760 --> 0:06:22.600 in my parents' house for a long time, and like 0:06:22.640 --> 0:06:24.400 the cup had been organized so I know my mum 0:06:24.440 --> 0:06:27.000 definitely read it had a little There was definitely some Yeah, 0:06:27.279 --> 0:06:27.919 we'll get into it. 0:06:27.880 --> 0:06:31.320 A DNA is on that and up yourself case you should. 0:06:31.120 --> 0:06:33.479 Have a bubble bath. Let's let's leave that one. 0:06:34.400 --> 0:06:37.400 Avoid dwelling. That's quite a lot like the rumination point, 0:06:38.120 --> 0:06:39.160 and this one says. 0:06:39.040 --> 0:06:41.760 Don't kind of counterintuitive because like feel your feelings, don't dwell. 0:06:41.760 --> 0:06:43.760 It's like, well, what are we doing? Then I'm gonna 0:06:43.760 --> 0:06:45.400 need to do both in order to do both. 0:06:45.760 --> 0:06:48.000 They're definitely very different, but I can see how they're 0:06:48.000 --> 0:06:50.400 confused when you're in a state of our danger. 0:06:51.320 --> 0:06:53.480 Don't contact them, I must agree with this one. 0:06:53.720 --> 0:06:56.880 Don't give them the excitement of knowing that they let 0:06:56.920 --> 0:06:59.960 a hotty down. Okay, talk with someone. If you strugg 0:07:00.120 --> 0:07:03.000 into cope, find a new bay. Just joking, reach out 0:07:03.000 --> 0:07:05.560 to a mental health professional. I think people don't take 0:07:05.560 --> 0:07:07.440 this stuff seriously. Like you could be going on four 0:07:07.520 --> 0:07:10.760 dates with somebody they vanish, and then you feel really 0:07:10.800 --> 0:07:12.120 upset and you think, ohd but we weren't even in 0:07:12.160 --> 0:07:17.040 a relationship. Allow yourself to be disappointed. You are mourning 0:07:17.080 --> 0:07:19.720 what could have been, which is often way cooler than 0:07:19.760 --> 0:07:23.080 a proper relationship. Let's be honest, if they've never showed 0:07:23.120 --> 0:07:24.960 in front of you, like were. 0:07:24.800 --> 0:07:25.840 They even really the one? 0:07:26.160 --> 0:07:28.240 Yeah, and like you don't know what they actually like 0:07:28.320 --> 0:07:30.360 until like they've done a poo in the toilet and 0:07:30.400 --> 0:07:32.520 then you've walked past and gotten a waft to think 0:07:32.520 --> 0:07:35.239 about it that way, that's real intimacy. And finally, before 0:07:35.280 --> 0:07:38.960 we go, don't isolate yourself. Don't let it deter you 0:07:39.040 --> 0:07:42.200 from dating again. It's better to have loved and lost 0:07:42.200 --> 0:07:43.200 than to have never loved it all. 0:07:43.280 --> 0:07:44.080 And that's on that. 0:07:44.120 --> 0:07:50.800 Froo meno through me boo mummy like smile you're listening 0:07:50.840 --> 0:07:54.120 to flex and rooms on cater coming through with a 0:07:54.120 --> 0:07:58.600 controversial concept that I have toyed with. No, I haven't, 0:07:58.600 --> 0:08:00.800 but I've talked about it quite a bit in my time. 0:08:02.200 --> 0:08:07.760 But no, because I think everything can be discussed and 0:08:08.440 --> 0:08:11.840 judged around and improved. And one of those things, or 0:08:11.840 --> 0:08:13.480 one of the things that I feel like, as a 0:08:13.520 --> 0:08:17.960 society we haven't really nailed as relationships, all of them, 0:08:18.040 --> 0:08:24.160 any of them, familial, friendship, professional, romantic. We just don't 0:08:24.200 --> 0:08:27.400 do relationships well. And I was thinking about, what are 0:08:27.440 --> 0:08:30.160 some of the core issues or the core points of 0:08:30.280 --> 0:08:33.480 tension in an early relationship, and it's the fact that 0:08:33.880 --> 0:08:36.200 I do it myself. When I'm making new friends, I 0:08:36.200 --> 0:08:38.800 get really insecure about how friendly or how familiar to 0:08:38.840 --> 0:08:40.960 be because I don't know how much of a friend 0:08:41.000 --> 0:08:42.640 we're going to be, you know, I don't want to 0:08:42.640 --> 0:08:44.760 give the impression that I'm going to be a lifelong 0:08:44.840 --> 0:08:47.520 friend if I'm not feeling it, And I put a 0:08:47.559 --> 0:08:49.760 lot of pressure on myself to not you know, don't 0:08:49.800 --> 0:08:52.559 be too comfortable, like, don't overcommit because you might not 0:08:52.600 --> 0:08:54.120 even like them. You get to know them, and it's 0:08:54.160 --> 0:08:56.400 like base, we haven't even gotten there yet with not 0:08:56.440 --> 0:08:58.360 even you don't even know them. Yeah, but just in case, 0:08:58.480 --> 0:09:01.000 you know what, if they think really getting along, I'm 0:09:01.040 --> 0:09:06.600 still assessing. And then similarly, in relationships, I've done two 0:09:07.200 --> 0:09:11.440 contrasting things. One thing where I'll say, well, because of 0:09:11.480 --> 0:09:13.319 these certain traits, I think it's not gonna work out 0:09:13.320 --> 0:09:16.240 for long, or because of these certain traits this person 0:09:16.280 --> 0:09:19.640 is the one. All of it is rooted in fantasy. 0:09:20.360 --> 0:09:24.240 But I thought the antidote for all of this is 0:09:24.280 --> 0:09:26.880 a concept I like to call a relationship expiry date. 0:09:27.880 --> 0:09:32.479 If we when deciding to start relationships with people, friendships 0:09:32.720 --> 0:09:36.120 professional careers. We do do that relationships. If we just 0:09:36.320 --> 0:09:40.400 agreed for short periods of time to be in the relationship. 0:09:40.800 --> 0:09:43.479 For me and I on a three month friendship contract 0:09:43.720 --> 0:09:46.200 for the next three months, let's do friendship and at 0:09:46.240 --> 0:09:48.640 the end of the three month period, let's just assume 0:09:48.720 --> 0:09:51.000 we're not friends. What did I say, at the end 0:09:51.040 --> 0:09:53.280 of the three month period, Let's just assume that we're 0:09:53.280 --> 0:09:54.920 not friends. We try unless we renew. 0:09:55.200 --> 0:09:56.120 Yes, yes, yes, And. 0:09:56.080 --> 0:09:59.240 When we renew, we should discuss a few terms of 0:09:59.280 --> 0:10:02.360 the friendships. So I might say, Oh, I noticed we 0:10:02.440 --> 0:10:04.920 don't really do things together, Like we talk a lot, 0:10:04.920 --> 0:10:07.800 but we haven't really gone out together as friends. Can 0:10:07.800 --> 0:10:10.760 we integrate that for the next you know term? I 0:10:10.800 --> 0:10:11.720 love this, right? 0:10:11.760 --> 0:10:13.079 Would you consider actually doing this? 0:10:13.160 --> 0:10:14.200 I think it sounds fun. 0:10:14.280 --> 0:10:16.440 Well, I guess we are technically you and I on 0:10:16.600 --> 0:10:20.440 a contract, but this is so separate to the other part. 0:10:21.559 --> 0:10:22.239 Huh. 0:10:22.280 --> 0:10:26.080 Well, we're in a professional contract, yes, but it overlaps. 0:10:26.440 --> 0:10:29.360 It only overlaps our friendship. I think by technicality, we 0:10:29.400 --> 0:10:32.280 wouldn't talk this much if we didn't work together. But 0:10:32.320 --> 0:10:34.400 the friendship we're building is very separate to work. 0:10:35.040 --> 0:10:39.800 That's nice for you to say, I disagree. However, I 0:10:39.840 --> 0:10:40.720 really like this idea. 0:10:40.760 --> 0:10:43.880 I think it's hard to like I'm someone who I 0:10:43.880 --> 0:10:46.280 would say, I guess I'm like, Oh, I'm a little 0:10:46.320 --> 0:10:50.240 bit insecure in friendships. Like I've definitely gotten a lot 0:10:50.320 --> 0:10:52.080 better as I age, but when I was younger, I 0:10:52.120 --> 0:10:53.400 kind of had to be like am I still your 0:10:53.400 --> 0:10:55.440 best friend? Am I still your best friend? And like 0:10:55.480 --> 0:10:57.240 when I felt like I'm not a really strong part 0:10:57.280 --> 0:11:00.640 of a group, like it sends me really like eats 0:11:00.679 --> 0:11:04.160 me up. So I like this idea, but it definitely 0:11:04.160 --> 0:11:06.760 would I think I'd be worried. It's like when me 0:11:06.800 --> 0:11:08.640 and a friend of fighting or not really talking much. 0:11:08.720 --> 0:11:10.199 I get obsessed with it. 0:11:10.360 --> 0:11:13.199 Oh really, I get obsessed. 0:11:12.400 --> 0:11:13.400 With it, and I worry. 0:11:13.400 --> 0:11:15.400 I think they're thinking about all these terrible things that 0:11:15.400 --> 0:11:19.640 I've done, Like am I bad person? Like did I 0:11:19.640 --> 0:11:22.080 really hurt their feelings? It's often about like have I 0:11:22.160 --> 0:11:25.520 like really hurt their feelings, like in a way that 0:11:25.520 --> 0:11:27.440 I didn't intend to, like not. 0:11:27.360 --> 0:11:28.600 Realizing that I'm doing things. 0:11:29.320 --> 0:11:32.760 So like, I think the contract is a really nice 0:11:33.600 --> 0:11:36.280 thing in theory, but you probably have to be coming 0:11:36.520 --> 0:11:41.960 to it from like a similar level of power. Like 0:11:42.000 --> 0:11:44.360 I think if there's like an insecure power dynamic, which 0:11:44.360 --> 0:11:47.400 is which often happens in certain friendships, like someone wears 0:11:47.400 --> 0:11:48.400 the pants in a relationship. 0:11:48.440 --> 0:11:49.360 I really believe in that. 0:11:50.679 --> 0:11:52.120 Then it makes this kind of thing a little bit 0:11:52.160 --> 0:11:55.240 harder to do in person. But I do like the 0:11:55.280 --> 0:11:59.920 idea of doing like four four times a year at checking. 0:12:00.120 --> 0:12:01.920 We haven't done this in a little while, because I 0:12:01.920 --> 0:12:03.800 think you do need to sit down and actually consider it. 0:12:03.880 --> 0:12:06.240 If you have any thoughts on whether this would work 0:12:06.320 --> 0:12:09.120 or you've done it a relationship with expiry date, please 0:12:09.280 --> 0:12:12.240 dms on at flex and firms on Instagram. I'm really 0:12:12.240 --> 0:12:14.240 intrigued because I know it feels like one of those 0:12:14.960 --> 0:12:18.760 super progressive Internet theories that have no basis in real life. 0:12:18.760 --> 0:12:21.280 But I think we can pull out elements to be 0:12:21.320 --> 0:12:26.800 more intentional friends, partners, children, cult like coworkers or whatever. 0:12:27.120 --> 0:12:29.160 This reminds you of my Rules for Life rule, which 0:12:29.200 --> 0:12:32.560 was about neutralizing trauma dumps with funny things all ways 0:12:32.640 --> 0:12:37.480 you connect. This is so important, and I think the 0:12:37.480 --> 0:12:41.000 idea of like penciling in an analogue time to go 0:12:41.080 --> 0:12:42.600 through and say, oh, I really like it when we 0:12:42.640 --> 0:12:42.880 do this. 0:12:42.920 --> 0:12:43.480 Can we do this? 0:12:43.520 --> 0:12:48.079 Because you totally see an increase in your relationship health 0:12:48.120 --> 0:12:49.640 when you do stuff like this. It's like when you 0:12:50.040 --> 0:12:51.720 live with a housemate and you say I'm going to 0:12:51.720 --> 0:12:53.600 cook dinner this time, try and do it once a 0:12:53.600 --> 0:12:56.480 week or like with family. My family don't have that 0:12:56.520 --> 0:12:58.760 many traditions. We just have a tradition where we'd every 0:12:58.800 --> 0:13:02.320 Christmas and on the stairs of my house, like outside 0:13:02.360 --> 0:13:05.880 on the porch and all to a family photo. It's cute. 0:13:06.200 --> 0:13:09.680 Nowadays, I do a gingerbread house every Christmas. That's my. 0:13:11.520 --> 0:13:15.280 That's my contribution. And I really like the idea of 0:13:15.320 --> 0:13:17.600 doing rituals. So I think like a really big part 0:13:17.640 --> 0:13:23.320 of maintaining relationships is doing your rituals. But also like 0:13:23.520 --> 0:13:25.719 I don't think you should push yourself to try new 0:13:25.720 --> 0:13:27.400 things because you think it'll make a better. 0:13:27.200 --> 0:13:30.880 Like no, no, I think the relationship expiry day. It's not. 0:13:32.080 --> 0:13:33.760 And this is someone who can be avoidance. It's very 0:13:33.760 --> 0:13:35.200 easy for me to be like, what about we just 0:13:35.440 --> 0:13:38.920 end things? But no, it's more so a permission to 0:13:40.000 --> 0:13:45.280 assess the relationship because it works on both spectrums. If 0:13:45.320 --> 0:13:47.720 you feel like you won't even engage in a relationship 0:13:47.720 --> 0:13:49.920 because of the fear that it's going to go on 0:13:50.000 --> 0:13:52.800 longer than you're comfortable with it, or you don't feel 0:13:52.800 --> 0:13:56.600 like you know how to behave to really express what 0:13:56.640 --> 0:13:58.520 you want in a dynamic, Well, then it's tricky. But 0:13:58.559 --> 0:14:01.240 then on the flip side, it gives you permission to 0:14:01.360 --> 0:14:06.280 let someone know provoked how you're feeling, because oftentimes when 0:14:06.280 --> 0:14:08.360 you tell some how you're feeling and they're not expecting it, 0:14:08.360 --> 0:14:10.720 it feels like a critique, it feels like an attack. 0:14:10.880 --> 0:14:12.800 It doesn't come across well. So if I would have 0:14:12.840 --> 0:14:14.240 come to you on a random day and say it 0:14:14.280 --> 0:14:16.000 for me, I think it's I don't know. I just 0:14:16.000 --> 0:14:18.439 think it's odd that we don't really spend a lot 0:14:18.440 --> 0:14:21.560 of time in person anymore. And we did lights lights 0:14:21.680 --> 0:14:24.080 off likra that one time. We didn't do anything after 0:14:24.080 --> 0:14:24.960 You'd be like, damn. 0:14:24.720 --> 0:14:27.720 Like we did do lots to go like araund did 0:14:27.760 --> 0:14:29.480 we We didn't? Oh my god? And there was that 0:14:29.520 --> 0:14:31.560 really scary man, Yeah, what the hell? 0:14:31.720 --> 0:14:33.200 But imagine if I was like, yeah, you know, we 0:14:33.240 --> 0:14:35.160 did that one time. We didn't do anything after? You like, 0:14:35.480 --> 0:14:37.000 is anything else you want to bring up? 0:14:37.080 --> 0:14:37.160 Like? 0:14:37.200 --> 0:14:38.120 Am I a mad friend? 0:14:38.160 --> 0:14:38.920 You get your back up? 0:14:39.000 --> 0:14:41.600 You get your back up, of course, So and that's 0:14:41.760 --> 0:14:44.440 that's a chill thing. Imagine if I was like, you 0:14:44.480 --> 0:14:47.320 know what, I just feel like you were spending a 0:14:47.360 --> 0:14:49.400 little bit too much time together and I just need 0:14:49.400 --> 0:14:51.720 to hit that would hit different. So I think it 0:14:51.720 --> 0:14:53.640 gives you permission to say this is where I'm at. 0:14:54.200 --> 0:14:57.040 For me, right, I'm one of those friends where you know, 0:14:57.960 --> 0:15:00.040 if we didn't go to dinner for six months, I 0:15:00.040 --> 0:15:02.080 wouldn't think anything of it. I'd be like, oh, you 0:15:02.160 --> 0:15:04.640 just live in life, right, But you're saying you're the 0:15:04.680 --> 0:15:07.680 complete opposite. So when we do a check in, you'd 0:15:07.720 --> 0:15:09.840 be like, how are you like, babes, it's been hectic, 0:15:10.040 --> 0:15:12.840 Like I've had a really rough time. I'm really enjoying 0:15:12.960 --> 0:15:15.320 just not talking to anyone, not seeing anyone. You'd be like, 0:15:15.320 --> 0:15:17.600 oh fu it not even personal, literally, because it's just 0:15:17.600 --> 0:15:18.120 going through it. 0:15:18.240 --> 0:15:21.160 That's why I'm very very good at bringing things up, 0:15:22.880 --> 0:15:25.280 like very good. If you say you're a little bit off, 0:15:25.320 --> 0:15:27.960 I will easily bring it up, just because I know 0:15:28.000 --> 0:15:29.840 what it's like to not yeah, And I prefer to 0:15:29.840 --> 0:15:32.000 bring things to the surface because they're always pretty much 0:15:32.000 --> 0:15:32.960 worse than I imagined. 0:15:33.400 --> 0:15:35.560 And I think it's a quality much worse new imagine 0:15:35.640 --> 0:15:36.520 or not worse than you imagine. 0:15:36.520 --> 0:15:37.760 They're never as bad as I imagined. 0:15:37.840 --> 0:15:41.000 Yeah, and now I've like cultivated a lot of friendships 0:15:41.040 --> 0:15:43.600 where we are very honest with each other and if 0:15:43.640 --> 0:15:45.560 we're mad at each other, like we'd be like I 0:15:45.600 --> 0:15:48.720 need time, and we just know that we'll come back 0:15:48.720 --> 0:15:50.680 together or sometimes we won't come back together and be 0:15:50.720 --> 0:15:53.920 as close and like because we've been so honest with 0:15:53.960 --> 0:15:57.240 each other, there's like every stone has been unturned. 0:15:57.920 --> 0:16:00.560 You need to do that. I love and I hate 0:16:00.560 --> 0:16:03.000 this phrase because I always get it nipping it in. 0:16:02.960 --> 0:16:05.920 The bud, nit it in the bud bud. 0:16:05.560 --> 0:16:10.360 Anyway, but I really like addressing things straight away, even 0:16:10.400 --> 0:16:12.160 when it's a little bit. And I remember both took. 0:16:12.200 --> 0:16:14.600 I was having this conversation with a friend and she 0:16:14.680 --> 0:16:16.560 kept nagging me, and I was like, this is a 0:16:16.600 --> 0:16:19.000 strange habit you've picked up, babe. I don't like it. 0:16:19.360 --> 0:16:21.400 I don't like when you talk about yourself that way, 0:16:21.480 --> 0:16:23.480 but me leave me out of it. I'm not being 0:16:23.480 --> 0:16:25.160 the butt of your joke because you're feeling some kind 0:16:25.200 --> 0:16:27.960 of way. And of course, and because it was happening 0:16:28.000 --> 0:16:30.240 in company, so I was like, even worse, let's not 0:16:30.280 --> 0:16:32.480 stet a standard that this is how you talk to 0:16:32.800 --> 0:16:36.040 me generally. But it caught her off guard because she 0:16:36.120 --> 0:16:37.400 was like, Okay, well why would you say. I'm like, well, 0:16:37.400 --> 0:16:39.720 why would you do that? You know? And I had 0:16:39.760 --> 0:16:42.840 to kind of neutralize it and say, like, it's nothing serious. 0:16:42.960 --> 0:16:46.120 But I'm not your punching bag, and I'm not going 0:16:46.200 --> 0:16:48.000 to be the strong friend that's going to deal with 0:16:48.000 --> 0:16:50.560 your tanty because you won't say how you feel and 0:16:50.600 --> 0:16:54.040 I'm not gonna Also, were you with six friends share 0:16:54.040 --> 0:16:54.360 the burden? 0:16:54.440 --> 0:16:54.680 Babe? 0:16:54.720 --> 0:16:56.800 You're feeling extra comfory with me today. I don't need 0:16:56.840 --> 0:16:59.640 the comfort if it's gonna feel like this, and I'm like, 0:16:59.640 --> 0:17:01.600 it's gonna it's annoying now, but you're gonna thank me 0:17:01.600 --> 0:17:03.120 in a week's time when we're not beefing. 0:17:04.000 --> 0:17:04.960 Well, you and I good at that. 0:17:05.000 --> 0:17:07.679 I think yeah the other week when I am in 0:17:07.720 --> 0:17:09.680 a batterly common on your outfits all the time, just 0:17:09.680 --> 0:17:12.480 because I'm like, my brain's real smooth at times, I 0:17:12.520 --> 0:17:15.480 don't know what else to say. Yeah, And you're good 0:17:15.480 --> 0:17:17.119 at like it's you. I think you're good at, like 0:17:17.200 --> 0:17:19.840 explaining why you don't like certain things. It's often like 0:17:19.880 --> 0:17:22.600 I haven't thought about it in that way, and oh yeah, fuck, 0:17:22.680 --> 0:17:24.879 that's so fair enough. And I find I have to 0:17:24.920 --> 0:17:27.840 be really kind to myself. That sounds silly, but. 0:17:27.880 --> 0:17:29.960 Like, no, it's good because you don't take it. I 0:17:30.000 --> 0:17:31.560 get what you're saying. The idea, it's like, you're not 0:17:31.600 --> 0:17:33.320 going to beat yourself up about it because it's nothing 0:17:33.400 --> 0:17:36.320 to be beefing about. But people find that hard to 0:17:36.359 --> 0:17:38.720 deal with, you know, the idea if it's a problem, 0:17:38.760 --> 0:17:40.560 I would tell you. Some people wouldn't tell you, so 0:17:40.640 --> 0:17:43.000 I get why you're freaking out. But if it's a problem, 0:17:43.000 --> 0:17:43.479