1
00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:07,120
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for the

2
00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:11,159
Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers Now. Welcome to

3
00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:14,200
Speaker 1: the Happy Families Podcast. My name is doctor Justin Colson.

4
00:00:14,320 --> 00:00:16,439
Speaker 1: I'm the co host and parenting expert on Channel Lines

5
00:00:16,480 --> 00:00:18,840
Speaker 1: hit TV show Parental Guidance and the author of a

6
00:00:18,880 --> 00:00:20,840
Speaker 1: bunch of books about how to make your family happier.

7
00:00:21,040 --> 00:00:25,200
Speaker 1: Every Tuesday on the podcast, I answer your questions about

8
00:00:25,520 --> 00:00:28,200
Speaker 1: making your family happier, getting things working the way they

9
00:00:28,280 --> 00:00:31,640
Speaker 1: need to. To submit a question, please go to happy families

10
00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:34,879
Speaker 1: dot com dot au, click on the podcast link, and

11
00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:37,440
Speaker 1: then push the record button. That's all you got to do,

12
00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:40,600
Speaker 1: super simple. Here's our first question from Kirsty.

13
00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:43,479
Speaker 2: Hi, Justin and Kylie. I'm the mum of an almost

14
00:00:43,479 --> 00:00:45,720
Speaker 2: five year old boy who's in four year old kinder.

15
00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:50,280
Speaker 2: I'd really love some advice on separation anxiety with drop offs.

16
00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:54,400
Speaker 2: I've tried different approaches and nothing seems to make a difference.

17
00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:58,080
Speaker 2: He's fine about five minutes after I leave, but it's

18
00:00:58,080 --> 00:01:01,680
Speaker 2: the initial leaving that makes him really upset and crying

19
00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:04,040
Speaker 2: for mum. And Yeah, I don't know what to do.

20
00:01:04,080 --> 00:01:05,319
Speaker 3: I don't know how to stop it.

21
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:08,800
Speaker 1: Please help, Oh one of the most heartbreaking aspects of parenting.

22
00:01:08,840 --> 00:01:11,320
Speaker 1: I absolutely hate this, being through it with all of

23
00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:15,400
Speaker 1: our kids in different ways at different times, kids want

24
00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:18,200
Speaker 1: their parents with them. That's really what's going on here.

25
00:01:18,360 --> 00:01:24,240
Speaker 1: It's biologically, psychologically, spiritually, emotionally at every level, it's normal

26
00:01:24,319 --> 00:01:26,640
Speaker 1: for kids to want their parents to be there. We

27
00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:29,520
Speaker 1: are their secure base where what makes them feel safe,

28
00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:31,680
Speaker 1: and as they move into a novel environment, even if

29
00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:36,200
Speaker 1: they've been there many, many times, there's still that natural, biological,

30
00:01:36,319 --> 00:01:40,160
Speaker 1: visceral desire to be close to mum or dad, especially

31
00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:44,560
Speaker 1: especially when they're just little, totally normal, developmentally appropriate. What

32
00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:46,240
Speaker 1: we're really asking them to do when we drop them

33
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,560
Speaker 1: off at school, especially at the age of three or four,

34
00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:51,440
Speaker 1: or five or even six, we're asking them to do

35
00:01:51,520 --> 00:01:55,480
Speaker 1: something that is not part of the natural order of things,

36
00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:58,040
Speaker 1: which means, in some ways it's kind of hard to

37
00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:00,720
Speaker 1: come up with some useful answers why well, we're asking

38
00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:04,840
Speaker 1: them to go against their natural biological and psychological urges.

39
00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:07,720
Speaker 1: In spite of that, there are a handful of things

40
00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:10,280
Speaker 1: cursey that I think can be helpful and can move

41
00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:13,880
Speaker 1: us in the right direction. So let's see how we go.

42
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:17,440
Speaker 1: Number one one of our basic psychological needs is the

43
00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:20,960
Speaker 1: need for relatedness, strong relationships, a feeling of connection, connections,

44
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:23,200
Speaker 1: feeling seen, hurt and value, a feeling of belonging like

45
00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:28,560
Speaker 1: I matter. And when I think about this relatedness need

46
00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:31,360
Speaker 1: in relation to your context, you're always going to be

47
00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:34,680
Speaker 1: the top of the heap. Okay, the hierarchy has mum

48
00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:39,600
Speaker 1: followed by dad, usually followed by grandma. Like that's the hierarchy,

49
00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:42,560
Speaker 1: and there literally is a hierarchy. Kids have got strong

50
00:02:42,639 --> 00:02:44,680
Speaker 1: preferences in terms of who they're going to be related

51
00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:47,919
Speaker 1: to or want to connect with. But if we work

52
00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:52,000
Speaker 1: well with the school on this, we can also create

53
00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:54,960
Speaker 1: really strong relationships at school. So there might be a

54
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:59,560
Speaker 1: strong relationship with friend. Friends are oxygen to our children

55
00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:02,960
Speaker 1: inhale their friends and say, oh yeah, this feels good,

56
00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:05,519
Speaker 1: especially as they get older. But it starts from around

57
00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:09,400
Speaker 1: about that age of five or six and builds from there.

58
00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:13,760
Speaker 1: Maybe a teacher, maybe their classroom teacher, is the person

59
00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:15,679
Speaker 1: that they can really connect with and bond with. Maybe

60
00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:17,960
Speaker 1: they've got a really compassionate, loving teacher who's there with

61
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:20,880
Speaker 1: open arms saying I'm so glad you're here today. Let's

62
00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:23,240
Speaker 1: have some fun. It could be that there's an animal

63
00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:25,160
Speaker 1: in the classroom that the child feels like they bond with.

64
00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:27,680
Speaker 1: I know a lot of schools have therapy dogs. Some

65
00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:31,680
Speaker 1: classrooms have frogs or fish or lizards or other animals

66
00:03:31,720 --> 00:03:33,760
Speaker 1: that the kids can really be excited about. And while

67
00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:35,720
Speaker 1: that's not going to be the same level of relationship,

68
00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:38,360
Speaker 1: there's that thing that gets them there because they get

69
00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:41,840
Speaker 1: to have some kind of a connection. Second idea ties

70
00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:43,920
Speaker 1: into the second basic psychological need that I talk about

71
00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:45,600
Speaker 1: all the time, and that's the need for competence, a

72
00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:48,520
Speaker 1: need for a sense of master real like I can

73
00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:51,120
Speaker 1: get this. See, when a child's not doing well emotionally,

74
00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:53,000
Speaker 1: when they get dropped off at school, they already feel

75
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:57,200
Speaker 1: a little bit incompetent. By helping them to feel competent

76
00:03:57,320 --> 00:04:01,360
Speaker 1: at school, they're much more likely to be motivated to

77
00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:04,160
Speaker 1: be there. So if school is a safe place, we've

78
00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:07,760
Speaker 1: got that ticked relationships sorted. And that's so important. The

79
00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:09,520
Speaker 1: second thing is is there a job that I can

80
00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:11,040
Speaker 1: do when I get to school? Is there somebody that

81
00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:12,760
Speaker 1: I can help? Is there some reading that I can do?

82
00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:16,960
Speaker 1: Is there some classroom setup or craft organization or something

83
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:19,040
Speaker 1: that I can do that is supportive. Maybe I can

84
00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:22,560
Speaker 1: play with somebody who needs a play mate. These kinds

85
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:26,120
Speaker 1: of things. Having a job to do, an autonomously chosen job,

86
00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:28,480
Speaker 1: a job where there's been some interaction with the teacher,

87
00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:30,160
Speaker 1: and this feels good to me to do it, and

88
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:32,400
Speaker 1: that's why I'm going to opt in. That's the second

89
00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,600
Speaker 1: thing that could be a really strong way to reduce

90
00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:37,760
Speaker 1: the anxiety around departure of parents from the school drop off.

91
00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:40,839
Speaker 1: But let's go back a step or two, back into

92
00:04:40,839 --> 00:04:43,279
Speaker 1: the house for a sec. I think there's value in

93
00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:46,440
Speaker 1: just pausing and considering what your mornings feel like. If

94
00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:50,240
Speaker 1: your mourning is a tornado, that is not going to

95
00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:54,080
Speaker 1: lead to a nice, calm start for the drive and

96
00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:58,880
Speaker 1: for the drop off, that chaos, that craziness, that carnage

97
00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:03,800
Speaker 1: at home can really contribute to anything but a calm

98
00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:06,880
Speaker 1: transition into the school. So I'd been wanting to make

99
00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:10,279
Speaker 1: sure that the setting at home feels good, it feels comfortable,

100
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:13,400
Speaker 1: it feels safe, And we've got a child who feels

101
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:15,400
Speaker 1: good as they're getting up, but they're still on purpose,

102
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:19,039
Speaker 1: they're on track, they're moving towards a reasonable entry into

103
00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:21,280
Speaker 1: the school day. The next thing I'd say about being

104
00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:23,640
Speaker 1: at home is if you've got a child who is struggling,

105
00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:26,720
Speaker 1: giving them the cold shoulder, giving them a short shrift,

106
00:05:26,839 --> 00:05:28,599
Speaker 1: just saying, hey, you know what, kid, I suck it up,

107
00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:31,520
Speaker 1: drink some concrete, harden up, build a bridge, get over it.

108
00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:34,599
Speaker 1: Tough enough, princess. That approach does not build resilience. It

109
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:36,760
Speaker 1: makes kids feel more incompetent, and the connection that they

110
00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:39,520
Speaker 1: have with you now gets battered as well. It just ruptures.

111
00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:42,479
Speaker 1: So this is not a helpful approach. Instead, I would

112
00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:46,600
Speaker 1: say empathy. Now, Please note I said empathy, not apathy,

113
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:50,279
Speaker 1: and not therapy. Empathy is what kids are going to

114
00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:53,960
Speaker 1: do best with when it comes to parents who are

115
00:05:54,000 --> 00:06:00,240
Speaker 1: saying goodbye under challenging circumstances. Empathy looks like this, I

116
00:06:00,279 --> 00:06:02,760
Speaker 1: know it's hard. I get it, it's really hard. Give

117
00:06:02,839 --> 00:06:04,880
Speaker 1: us a hug. All right, we're going to be brave.

118
00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:06,880
Speaker 1: Let's go and get in there, because this is what

119
00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:09,560
Speaker 1: we need to do. Empathy is saying what you can see,

120
00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:14,200
Speaker 1: validating the emotion, and then moving towards positive action, adaptive,

121
00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:18,239
Speaker 1: healthy action that gets a strong outcome. Now, quick pause

122
00:06:18,279 --> 00:06:20,440
Speaker 1: on this one as well. If you're dealing with a

123
00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:23,000
Speaker 1: child who is not just sort of struggling a bit

124
00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:26,440
Speaker 1: as you are, Kirsty. But then after five minutes, I say,

125
00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:28,120
Speaker 1: your child is fine. If you're dealing with a child

126
00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:30,240
Speaker 1: who is needing to be restrained, if you're dealing with

127
00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:32,039
Speaker 1: a child that you're literally dragging out the door. In

128
00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:34,919
Speaker 1: other words, a child who has emotion based school avoidance,

129
00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:37,599
Speaker 1: a child who is absolutely doing everything they can to

130
00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:42,920
Speaker 1: not be at school. These ideas are still going to

131
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:45,200
Speaker 1: be helpful, but we're going to have to be a

132
00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:47,680
Speaker 1: bit more sensitive and probably work a lot more closely

133
00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:50,640
Speaker 1: with the school or even with a therapist. I'd love

134
00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:53,680
Speaker 1: to talk more about this idea of emotion based school avoidance,

135
00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:56,760
Speaker 1: but we just don't have enough research for me to

136
00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:59,320
Speaker 1: give you a really strong guidance on that right now.

137
00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:00,960
Speaker 1: So we're going to stay with this situation where we've

138
00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:02,920
Speaker 1: got a kid who's happy enough to be there once

139
00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:05,360
Speaker 1: they're there, but the first five minutes and the actual

140
00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:08,919
Speaker 1: separation are tough. So I've got empathy, not apathy, and

141
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:11,800
Speaker 1: not therapy, saying what we see and then moving towards

142
00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:14,560
Speaker 1: adaptive outcomes. And the last thing that I'll say that

143
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:19,520
Speaker 1: can really help to minimize reduce anxiety in a child

144
00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:22,600
Speaker 1: and support them as they make that transition into the

145
00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:26,720
Speaker 1: school context is for them to either a get there

146
00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:28,480
Speaker 1: with enough time to settle in. I mean, if you're

147
00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:30,760
Speaker 1: dropping them off and it's rushed and they're racing into

148
00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:35,120
Speaker 1: school and everything's happened in an absolute fluster, that's not

149
00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:37,240
Speaker 1: going to feel good. But secondly, if they can have

150
00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:39,200
Speaker 1: a chat with the teacher and get an idea of

151
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:42,280
Speaker 1: the road map for the day. Kids are literally flying

152
00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:45,120
Speaker 1: blind and some of them want a sense of certainty.

153
00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:47,800
Speaker 1: They want some form of cognitive closure. What am I

154
00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:50,680
Speaker 1: doing today? How can I feel safe and secure? Where

155
00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:52,880
Speaker 1: are we headed? If I've got a sense of direction,

156
00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:57,440
Speaker 1: I'm going to feel so much better about being at school. Ultimately,

157
00:07:57,440 --> 00:08:00,960
Speaker 1: we're talking about nurture at home and at school. We're

158
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:04,440
Speaker 1: also talking about flexibility at home and at school. And

159
00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:07,360
Speaker 1: I've really got to emphasize a strong relationship with a

160
00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:12,600
Speaker 1: really beautiful alliance in terms of communication between home and school. Kursey,

161
00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:16,000
Speaker 1: hope that makes a difference and helps your little guy

162
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:19,680
Speaker 1: to settle into school with that little bit more comfortably.

163
00:08:23,080 --> 00:08:26,960
Speaker 3: Question number two, Hi Justin, Hi Kylie. My name is

164
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:30,480
Speaker 3: Michaelaar and I a mum of three young kids, twin

165
00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:34,600
Speaker 3: boys eight years old and a little girl who is

166
00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:39,360
Speaker 3: six years old. What I'm wondering is, can you change

167
00:08:39,559 --> 00:08:44,400
Speaker 3: sibling dynamics? Our little guys have three very different personalities.

168
00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:48,240
Speaker 3: The boys are best friends, one is very ruler binding,

169
00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:52,920
Speaker 3: the other one loves to push boundaries. And my daughter

170
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:57,600
Speaker 3: is quite independent and strong, but also quite sensitive. The

171
00:08:57,640 --> 00:09:01,559
Speaker 3: outgoing boy will DeFi to picking on her if he's

172
00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:06,480
Speaker 3: tired or hungry, which is basically all school term. He

173
00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:11,680
Speaker 3: can pick on her that's too much, honey, or she

174
00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:15,000
Speaker 3: can give him a side look and here reacts hugely,

175
00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:19,640
Speaker 3: either verbally or sometimes physically. I've tried a lot of

176
00:09:19,679 --> 00:09:23,920
Speaker 3: different avenues, but my main concern is it will affect

177
00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:27,520
Speaker 3: my daughter's overall confidence as she is continually picked on.

178
00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:31,040
Speaker 3: Hope he can help shed some light. Thank you?

179
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:35,839
Speaker 1: Okay, Mikayla. Two boys twins age eight, a six year

180
00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:39,240
Speaker 1: old girl and can you change sibling dynamics? Well, the

181
00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:42,560
Speaker 1: short answer is yes, you can do something about sibling dynamics.

182
00:09:42,679 --> 00:09:47,040
Speaker 1: In terms of personalities, maybe not so much. Siblings are funny,

183
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:49,040
Speaker 1: right like, if you don't want to have sibling rivalry,

184
00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:51,480
Speaker 1: there's only one solution. That's to not have siblings. Clearly

185
00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:53,480
Speaker 1: with three kids, too late for you to get away

186
00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:57,000
Speaker 1: with that one. And it's so curious as well, because

187
00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:59,480
Speaker 1: parents will always say, oh, they're so different, and yet

188
00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:01,920
Speaker 1: when we look at who we are compared to our

189
00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:06,320
Speaker 1: own siblings, we're usually so different. So it's also a

190
00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:08,360
Speaker 1: reality that there's going to be conflict and strife in

191
00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:10,640
Speaker 1: every relationship. You're just not going to stamp it out.

192
00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:13,040
Speaker 1: Kylie and I have what I would consider to be

193
00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:16,640
Speaker 1: an absolutely first class marriage. We are just crazy about

194
00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:19,280
Speaker 1: each other. We are two people who have literally chosen

195
00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:22,240
Speaker 1: one another to live with, to be together, to do

196
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:25,640
Speaker 1: life together, and we still have conflict. And so I

197
00:10:25,679 --> 00:10:27,920
Speaker 1: think the central thing that I want to emphasize here

198
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:31,360
Speaker 1: is you're probably not going to change the personalities. You

199
00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:34,160
Speaker 1: may be able to shift the dynamics, but that comes

200
00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:37,400
Speaker 1: through character education. It comes through a process of helping

201
00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:40,120
Speaker 1: your children to know who they are and to tap

202
00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:42,920
Speaker 1: into what they value. And this is the sort of

203
00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:45,840
Speaker 1: process that does not happen as quickly as teaching a

204
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:48,439
Speaker 1: kid how to type up their shoelaces that takes long

205
00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:50,240
Speaker 1: enough as it is, or write their name. We're talking

206
00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:53,480
Speaker 1: about something that takes a lot longer. One of my

207
00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:57,640
Speaker 1: great regrets, one of my absolutely most painful regrets of

208
00:10:57,679 --> 00:11:01,520
Speaker 1: my upbringing, is how awfully I treat my younger siblings,

209
00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:05,160
Speaker 1: specifically my sisters. They're four years younger than me, they're twins,

210
00:11:05,559 --> 00:11:08,200
Speaker 1: and I was absolutely awful to them. There's nothing redemptive

211
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:10,240
Speaker 1: about the way that I treated them. I picked on them,

212
00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:13,559
Speaker 1: called them names, I used to hit them like that

213
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,880
Speaker 1: was just what I did, and Mum and Dad were

214
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:19,320
Speaker 1: desperate to get me to stop. And at some level

215
00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:22,240
Speaker 1: I knew that it wasn't helpful, and yet I had

216
00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:24,600
Speaker 1: to really grow up before I sort of grew out

217
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:27,280
Speaker 1: of it. It was just awful. There was no kindness, there

218
00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:31,080
Speaker 1: was no consideration. And what's really curious to me is

219
00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:33,400
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know if there are any

220
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:38,520
Speaker 1: residual effects in terms of they've grown up to live

221
00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:41,640
Speaker 1: lives that. I don't know that the impact of my

222
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:46,360
Speaker 1: horrible big brother behavior toward them has had any effect

223
00:11:46,559 --> 00:11:49,240
Speaker 1: on who they've become as people. I just I don't

224
00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:52,400
Speaker 1: know that. But what I do know is that we

225
00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:54,760
Speaker 1: don't have the closeness that I wish we had, and

226
00:11:55,040 --> 00:11:58,080
Speaker 1: it's a source of ongoing probably lifelong pain for me,

227
00:11:58,679 --> 00:12:00,920
Speaker 1: You're with your siblings longer than anyone else. Like your

228
00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:04,040
Speaker 1: parents die maybe twenty or thirty years before the end

229
00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:07,240
Speaker 1: of your life. You don't meet your husband or wife

230
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:09,560
Speaker 1: or partner until your twenty or thirty years into your life.

231
00:12:09,559 --> 00:12:11,840
Speaker 1: But your siblings they come along when you're little, and

232
00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:14,160
Speaker 1: they usually live for about as long as you've got

233
00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:17,160
Speaker 1: them for life. And not that this is all about me,

234
00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:20,600
Speaker 1: I've met this into a personal therapy session. I'm so sorry,

235
00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:24,040
Speaker 1: but one of my great regrets is the residual effect

236
00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:27,520
Speaker 1: I think of my awful behavior towards my sisters specifically,

237
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:30,439
Speaker 1: is that we don't have tremendous closeness even as adults,

238
00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:32,280
Speaker 1: even though I've apologized and try to make things right

239
00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:34,240
Speaker 1: and so on. Anyway, enough about me, let's get back

240
00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:37,840
Speaker 1: to you. Ultimately, what I think we need to do

241
00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:41,560
Speaker 1: is have a couple of conversations ongoingly with the boys.

242
00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:45,839
Speaker 1: Conversation Number one. A real man helps the people around

243
00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:49,720
Speaker 1: him feel safer and stronger. If you are engaging in

244
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,959
Speaker 1: behavior towards your little sister that does not leave her

245
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:56,720
Speaker 1: feeling safer and stronger, then that is not manly behavior.

246
00:12:56,760 --> 00:13:00,200
Speaker 1: That is not powerful behavior that is not strong, that

247
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,360
Speaker 1: is weak. If you, as a boy who is three

248
00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:05,720
Speaker 1: years older than your little sister, feel a need to

249
00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:08,079
Speaker 1: belittle her and to denigrate her, to pick on her,

250
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:11,160
Speaker 1: and to make her feel less than so that you

251
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:14,360
Speaker 1: can feel strong and powerful, you're doing it wrong. That's

252
00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:15,960
Speaker 1: not how it's supposed to be. You're not making her

253
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:18,960
Speaker 1: feel safer and stronger. So to me, that is probably

254
00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:23,880
Speaker 1: our first conversation, kindness, consideration safer and stronger. The second

255
00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:27,600
Speaker 1: conversation is that all relationships are tricky. Even when you

256
00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:30,360
Speaker 1: live a thousand kilometers away from your siblings, sometimes it's

257
00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:34,439
Speaker 1: still drincky, and regardless of the context of the relationship,

258
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:39,280
Speaker 1: you're going to fall into mistakes consistently. Therefore, if there

259
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:41,440
Speaker 1: is a rupture, we need to know how to repair,

260
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:44,320
Speaker 1: how to repair effectively, how to repair with empathy, how

261
00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:47,040
Speaker 1: to repair with kindness, how to repair in a way

262
00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:49,240
Speaker 1: that shows that we are all human and we don't

263
00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:51,280
Speaker 1: mean to make mistakes, and when we do, we're willing

264
00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:54,080
Speaker 1: to own those mistakes, be responsible for them, and work

265
00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:56,960
Speaker 1: again towards helping those around us feel safer and stronger. Now,

266
00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:58,840
Speaker 1: to me, if you can work on those two conversations

267
00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:00,559
Speaker 1: with your boys. You're going to go a long way

268
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:04,880
Speaker 1: to raising really really great men, men of character, men

269
00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:08,000
Speaker 1: who get it now. They're not going to get it

270
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:10,640
Speaker 1: straight away. They're eight. You're going to have this conversation

271
00:14:10,679 --> 00:14:13,760
Speaker 1: a lot of times of these conversations, many many, many

272
00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:15,840
Speaker 1: times that they don't care about what it's going to

273
00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:17,280
Speaker 1: be like when they're older. They don't get what it's

274
00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:19,160
Speaker 1: going to be like when they're older, which means this

275
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:21,280
Speaker 1: conversation has to kind of be on repeat. This is

276
00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:24,400
Speaker 1: exhausting for parents, But I don't know any other methodology

277
00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:26,800
Speaker 1: that's going to get you there. It's just not fully

278
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:28,800
Speaker 1: going to go away for a long time. But this

279
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:32,080
Speaker 1: messaging around being stronger and safe when I'm in your presence,

280
00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:35,800
Speaker 1: that's it. And conversations like well, how did you feel

281
00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:37,960
Speaker 1: when you said that to her? How did she feel

282
00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:41,480
Speaker 1: when you said that to her? How did our family feel?

283
00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:45,520
Speaker 1: We're teaching empathy here, we're teaching character, we're teaching consideration

284
00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:49,360
Speaker 1: of others. Anyway, Mikayla, I hope that's helpful. Fingers crossed.

285
00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:52,440
Speaker 1: It makes your family happier and the conversations going a

286
00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:55,400
Speaker 1: productive direction. Thanks so much for your questions. If you

287
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:58,000
Speaker 1: would like to submit a question to the Happy Families Podcast,

288
00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:00,920
Speaker 1: I answer them every Tuesday. Just go happy families dot

289
00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:03,760
Speaker 1: com dot you, click on the podcast link and press

290
00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:06,200
Speaker 1: the record button. Leave us a voice memo. Voice memos

291
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,840
Speaker 1: get answered way faster, and we love to hear from

292
00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:10,960
Speaker 1: your Happy families dot com dot you click on the

293
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:14,320
Speaker 1: link for podcasts and then push the button to record

294
00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:16,720
Speaker 1: the voice memo. Let me know what's on your mind.

295
00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:19,320
Speaker 1: I'm glad to help to make your family happier. Thank

296
00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:21,080
Speaker 1: you so much for listening to. The Happy Families podcast

297
00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:23,680
Speaker 1: is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce

298
00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:26,880
Speaker 1: is our executive producer, and if you'd like more information

299
00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:29,360
Speaker 1: about making your family happier, check out our range of

300
00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:38,560
Speaker 1: books at happy families dot com dot A you