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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.

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Speaker 2: Now, the more regular you are with it, the smaller

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Speaker 2: and shorter it can be because it's an ongoing conversation

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Speaker 2: as opposed to a one.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum

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Speaker 1: and dad. We are so glad you're listening to the

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Speaker 1: Happy Families Podcast. Thank you so much for joining us.

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Speaker 1: I'm doctor Justin Coulson and I'm Kylie and today we're

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Speaker 1: going to be answering one of the most commonly asked

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Speaker 1: questions that we get about making your family happy, in fact,

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Speaker 1: about making your relationship happier.

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Speaker 2: Okay, so we need to talk about today's topic because

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Speaker 2: it's a question that we get asked time and time again.

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Speaker 2: How do you get on the same page in parenting?

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Speaker 1: There's so much what's the word discord, like in couples

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Speaker 1: where somebody's really dogmatic this is how it's got to

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Speaker 1: be done, and the other parents saying but what about

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Speaker 1: or I don't like that and the tension is horrible

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Speaker 1: right Well.

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Speaker 2: And what I hear often is, you know, you've come

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Speaker 2: from two different homes. You've come from two different, like

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Speaker 2: totally different backgrounds, and you want to do it the

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Speaker 2: way you were raised.

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Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, And we also kind of think that parenting

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Speaker 1: should just come naturally, like we just naturally open our

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Speaker 1: mouth and say stuff to the kids and that will

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Speaker 1: be what our parenting is. I usually when I'm asked this,

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Speaker 1: talk about the regular Sunday meetings that you and I have.

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Speaker 1: We call it a couple's well, call it whatever you want,

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Speaker 1: a couple's inventory, couples meeting, couples connection, a couple of

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Speaker 1: the resets, the weekly planning meeting, whatever you want to

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Speaker 1: call it. But a lot of people look at me strangely,

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Speaker 1: like you really have a meeting every week to talk

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Speaker 1: about your family? And I reckon, this is an important

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Speaker 1: thing to just bring up before we get into our

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Speaker 1: major topic for today and how to address this question.

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Speaker 1: We at work usually have to go through meetings at

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Speaker 1: least on a weekly basis to get across everything that's

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Speaker 1: supposed to be happening this week at work, and quite

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Speaker 1: often we'll have like a scheduling meeting with our husband, wife, partner,

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Speaker 1: spouse to talk about where are you going to be

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Speaker 1: on this day? I need your help with this that

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Speaker 1: and the other, and so that can all go into

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Speaker 1: the planning meeting. But here's the thing. We make plans

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Speaker 1: for our kids' educations, we make plans for our retirement,

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Speaker 1: we make plans for our holidays, we make plans for

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Speaker 1: our careers. We make plans for pretty much everything in

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Speaker 1: our lives, house plans, whatever. And Yet if I have

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Speaker 1: a conversation with somebody and say what is the most

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Speaker 1: important thing in your life, the most important top of

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Speaker 1: the list, everyone always says family. It's my family. And

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Speaker 1: when I say, what's your plan for helping your family

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Speaker 1: to thrive, what's your plan for being on the same

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Speaker 1: page as your partner, what's your plan for alignment and

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Speaker 1: working together? People look at me blankly. My what? And

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Speaker 1: I think that if you want to get on the

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Speaker 1: same page, you actually have to build a plan.

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Speaker 2: It's about setting your intentions and getting your priorities in

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Speaker 2: order as a couple. So often as I talk with

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Speaker 2: other women, what I hear time and time again is

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Speaker 2: that partners take care of everything outside the home. I

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Speaker 2: hate this way, and the mom is the one who

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Speaker 2: takes care of everything else inside.

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Speaker 1: Sorry I just sound a very judging then, but that

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Speaker 1: really gets under.

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Speaker 2: My skin, and as a result, you're each carrying your

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Speaker 2: own stresses. There's no it's not a competition to see

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Speaker 2: who's more stressed out.

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Speaker 1: But the big thing with that, though, is if I

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Speaker 1: see you struggling inside, but I've done all my outside stuff.

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Speaker 1: I've gone to work, I've earned the money, I've mowed

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Speaker 1: the lawn, I've washed the car. A see, if I'm

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Speaker 1: not going to get up and help you. But if

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Speaker 1: that's where we're drawing the barriers, drawing the lines, then

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Speaker 1: you're going to struggle and also feel guilty about asking me.

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Speaker 1: I just well, it gets my goat.

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Speaker 2: But I think that often in lots of cases, it's

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Speaker 2: not actually a matter of somebody sitting on the couch

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Speaker 2: just happily enjoying themselves. The reality is that often in

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Speaker 2: our home we're both actually juggling things. We're not we're

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Speaker 2: not watching the struggle. But the challenge is sometimes in

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Speaker 2: order to make things run smoothly, we have to kind

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Speaker 2: of look at where the priority is in that moment.

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Speaker 1: So every Sunday you and I have a conversation, and

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Speaker 1: the conversation takes about fifteen minutes, twenty minutes. What's gone well,

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Speaker 1: this past week, what hasn't as a couple, what's gone

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Speaker 1: well as a couple? What hasn't gone well as a couple?

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Speaker 1: And what one thing, and only one thing are we

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Speaker 1: going to prioritize to improve how things go in our

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Speaker 1: couple relationship this week? And that one conversation that we've

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Speaker 1: had for the last how many years has changed the

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Speaker 1: way we approach each week. It's improved the intention that

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Speaker 1: we bring to how we interact together and with the kids.

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Speaker 2: And I will just point out that only it takes

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Speaker 2: fifteen minutes because we do it regularly.

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Speaker 1: Yes, when we have.

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Speaker 2: Long gaps, that fifteen minute meeting.

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Speaker 1: Ours. Yeah. True.

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Speaker 2: True. The more regular you are with that, the smaller

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Speaker 2: and shorter it can be because it's an ongoing conversation

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Speaker 2: as opposed to a one off.

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Speaker 1: Okay, so this past weekend we have just done something

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Speaker 1: that makes all the difference in our family. We used

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Speaker 1: to do it all the time. It's gotten harder as

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Speaker 1: our parents have aged and as we've lived not so

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Speaker 1: close to them. But once every quarter. So in a business,

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Speaker 1: you have a quarterly planning session, right, you get the

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Speaker 1: team together and you say here our quarterly goals here's

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Speaker 1: our quarterly focus. This is what we need to achieve

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Speaker 1: over the next three months. Most businesses run on an

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Speaker 1: annual goal basis, a quarterly goal basis, then a monthly

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Speaker 1: goal basis. And we've been doing this in my happy

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Speaker 1: family's business for years, and several years ago I thought,

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Speaker 1: hang on, if I'm doing this for my business, I

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Speaker 1: need to do it for my family. This weekend, we've

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Speaker 1: just done a quarterly get together. You and I spent

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Speaker 1: a couple of nights in Adelaide. I was there for

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Speaker 1: a conference anyway, so you came with me and we

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Speaker 1: had a couple of days, a couple of nights to

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Speaker 1: talk seriously about what's going well, what's not going so well,

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Speaker 1: and what do we want to work on for the

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Speaker 1: next twelve weeks. And we are going to let you

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Speaker 1: behind the curtain. We're going to tell you exactly what

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Speaker 1: we talked about the parenting expert for his family in

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Speaker 1: terms of how we can be on the same page

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Speaker 1: and what we want to do to make things go

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Speaker 1: better over the next three months.

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Speaker 2: So I think the first thing that's really important to

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Speaker 2: acknowledge is that we actually ask the same three questions.

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Speaker 1: Yes, that's right, every sum.

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Speaker 2: Only difference, the only difference with the couples get away

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Speaker 2: is that the things that we talk about we talk

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Speaker 2: about more for starters, there's more topics to talk about

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Speaker 2: because we go deep.

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Speaker 1: And that's the real thing is. I mean, we might

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Speaker 1: spend an hour on one topic and knowing that we've

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Speaker 1: still got eight other topics to talk about.

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Speaker 2: And this is the time where we actually we actually

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Speaker 2: create the space in our lives, which is really challenging,

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Speaker 2: but we actually create the space in our lives so

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Speaker 2: that we can talk about all of the facets of

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Speaker 2: family life instead of just dealing with the here and now.

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Speaker 1: So let's go behind the curtain. Let's unpack it and

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Speaker 1: talk about what we discuss. Where do you want to start, Well.

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Speaker 2: Let's start with daily habits, because we've talked about James

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Speaker 2: Clear and his Atomic Habits book a lot on the podcast,

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Speaker 2: and this acknowledgment that those incremental, almost seemingly insignificant things

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Speaker 2: we do on a day to day basis are actually

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Speaker 2: what create the success of our lives.

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Speaker 1: Over the weekend, we really just talked about systems. Right,

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Speaker 1: what's our system going to be in the morning, what's

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Speaker 1: our system going to be? In the evenings. What's our

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Speaker 1: system going to be on the weekends. Because when you

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Speaker 1: get your system right, everything flows out of that. So

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Speaker 1: this is where it gets tricky, right, because I want

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Speaker 1: to do my exercise in the morning, but I also

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Speaker 1: want to do a little bit of reading and some

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Speaker 1: personal growth. I have some spiritual practice that I want

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Speaker 1: to follow, but you do too. And if I'm out

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Speaker 1: on a long bike ride and you want to be

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Speaker 1: down at the beach sitting on your rock and meditating

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Speaker 1: or having that prayer time, and we've got children who

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Speaker 1: are waking up but they don't direction, that doesn't work.

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Speaker 1: So we have to work out how we can not

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Speaker 1: only get what we want, but also support one another

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Speaker 1: in getting me supporting you to get what you want,

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Speaker 1: and vice versa. It requires a whole lot of planning

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Speaker 1: and a whole lot of thinking to get the priorities

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Speaker 1: in order to get the routine right, to create the system.

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Speaker 2: And the great thing about this is if you're doing

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Speaker 2: it regularly, it's not like you're having to start from scratch.

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Speaker 1: You're asking, although it felt like we started from stratch

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Speaker 1: this week.

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Speaker 2: You're asking what's going well within your daily routine? Yeah,

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Speaker 2: what's not going well, and where do we need to

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Speaker 2: tweak things? So we know the big rocks, we know

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Speaker 2: the things that we want to put in there. But

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Speaker 2: as family life changes, and as.

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Speaker 1: You would know, changes, every term.

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Speaker 2: Changes all the time, and what worked last term doesn't

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Speaker 2: necessarily work this term, and vice versa, and so trying

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Speaker 2: to kind of navigate that space can be really really challenging.

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Speaker 2: But that's why it's so good to be able to

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Speaker 2: come together and have that conversation, because otherwise what ends

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Speaker 2: up happening is me. I'm usually the one who just

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Speaker 2: kind of goes, you know what, it's all too hard.

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Speaker 2: I'm just going to let go of my things, and

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Speaker 2: then I start resenting you because you're going out and

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Speaker 2: doing what you want to do, but I feel like

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Speaker 2: I can't.

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Speaker 1: And this is about advocating for you. It's making sure

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Speaker 1: that your needs are mad. So let's get back to

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Speaker 1: the agenda. We talked about our personal goals and habits

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Speaker 1: and the systems that we needed to set up individually

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Speaker 1: but also as a couple, like our regular date nights

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Speaker 1: and our family time and our family routine. When we're

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Speaker 1: spending high quality time with the kids like super Saturday, we.

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Speaker 2: Actually chunked out the calendar and worked out when our

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Speaker 2: next getaway was going to be, so that that's that's

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Speaker 2: already in there, we know that nothing else can interrupt

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Speaker 2: that time.

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Speaker 1: The kids' activities was next on the list, and we're

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Speaker 1: dealing in a lot of the moment with kids who

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Speaker 1: were having some struggles, needing some support, and don't feel

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Speaker 1: like they're really pulling it together, like they're they're not

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Speaker 1: feeling competent in the activities that they've chosen to do.

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Speaker 1: So we've had to do a whole lot of work

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Speaker 1: around how we can get the kids involved in activities,

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Speaker 1: but also what our children's needs are. And that I

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Speaker 1: mean that took like a whole day to talk about

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Speaker 1: the kids' six, so.

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Speaker 2: Many of them, And what I love about that is

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Speaker 2: the opportunity we actually have with space to pull it

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Speaker 2: together and actually really spend time on each of the

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Speaker 2: kids talking about their strengths, talk about their weaknesses, talk

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Speaker 2: about the struggles that they're having, but most importantly, how

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Speaker 2: can we as their parents support them better.

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Speaker 1: So there's a half of other things that we talked about.

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Speaker 1: We won't dive deep on them, but just briefly because

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Speaker 1: we have a faith background. We talked about our religious

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Speaker 1: practice and making sure that we're scheduling time in the

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Speaker 1: calendar to do the things that matter for us. There

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Speaker 1: we talked about our finances, because for goodness sakes, right now,

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Speaker 1: everyone needs to talk about their finances, what is going

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Speaker 1: on in the world in terms of what it costs

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Speaker 1: to live and so on.

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Speaker 2: We set some goals around the kinds of holidays and

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Speaker 2: like family time we want to spend together.

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Speaker 1: In fact, we did more than that. We made a

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Speaker 1: couple of bookings. So this is not just a time

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Speaker 1: for us to talk about stuff. We take action. So

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Speaker 1: we actually pulled the calendar out, worked out when the

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Speaker 1: kids were on school holidays, and made some decisions, called

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Speaker 1: the holiday places and made the bookings. So we know

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Speaker 1: where we're going to be at Eastern next year. We

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Speaker 1: know where we're going to be in winter next year.

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Speaker 1: We know where we're going to be in the September

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Speaker 1: October holidays, the spring holidays next year. That's why we

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Speaker 1: have these meetings so that we can lock this stuff in.

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Speaker 1: Even if it's just camping. It doesn't have to be expensive,

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Speaker 1: but it's about getting the dates confirmed, getting in the

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Speaker 1: diary and locking it in.

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Speaker 2: And the last thing we talked about was our social life.

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Speaker 2: We love spending time with people. We really enjoy it,

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Speaker 2: our kids enjoy it, We enjoy it, and we love

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Speaker 2: having people in our home. So we sat down, we

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Speaker 2: looked at the calendar and worked out the weekends that

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Speaker 2: you're around.

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Speaker 1: Who do we need to catch up with, and.

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Speaker 2: Who are the important people in our lives that we

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Speaker 2: want to make sure that we connect with, share our

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Speaker 2: love with, and enjoy time together.

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Speaker 1: And again, it's about action, So text messages percent please

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Speaker 1: come to our house on this date for dinner. We're

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Speaker 1: really looking forward to catching up with you. And it

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Speaker 1: feels so good to just lock it in the diary

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Speaker 1: and though, okay, the next three months our social life

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Speaker 1: is now, there's still room in it, but we've got

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Speaker 1: the really important stuff bettered down. We also talked about

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Speaker 1: business and work, because that's part of our lives and

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Speaker 1: we've got to make sure that we're doing all that

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Speaker 1: now once the diary comes out and we've written this

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Speaker 1: stuff down. We also make sure we allocate some time

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Speaker 1: for fun, and we did have some fun while we

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Speaker 1: were in Adelaide.

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Speaker 2: What are you looking at me like that?

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Speaker 1: For I'm just saying we had some fun because it

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Speaker 1: can't all be business. Okay, there needs to be some fun.

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Speaker 1: That's how we get on the same page. Does it

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Speaker 1: sound like it's a bit extra, maybe, but I'll tell you,

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Speaker 1: and it doesn't always work out perfectly. I mean, we're

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Speaker 1: going to get two weeks into the next twelve weeks

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Speaker 1: and something's going to go wrong, the bottom will fall out.

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Speaker 2: But the great thing is we have a plan. We

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Speaker 2: have a plan, and when things start to fall apart,

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Speaker 2: we can go back to the plan.

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Speaker 1: Yes, what are we missing and we get more accomplished

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Speaker 1: and we stay more aligned because of that. It sets

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Speaker 1: the intention and helps us to implement the stuff we've

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Speaker 1: said we'll do.

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Speaker 2: And so when we come back together on a weekly basis,

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Speaker 2: we've got the plan, We've got the quarterly plan. It's there.

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Speaker 2: It's our blueprint for what we are hoping to achieve

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Speaker 2: in any given twelve week period.

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Speaker 1: We really hope that this helps you to create some

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Speaker 1: alignment in your couple relationship. Hopefully there's some ideas here.

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Speaker 1: The kickstart where you're too regardless of whether you're going

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Speaker 1: to get away for a quarterly weekend or just start

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Speaker 1: having the conversations to get alignment. It makes such a difference.

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Speaker 1: Thanks for listening. The Happy Family's podcast is produced by

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Speaker 1: Justin Ruwland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer.

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Speaker 1: If you would like more information about making your family happy,

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Speaker 1: please check out my brand new book, The Parenting Revolution.

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Speaker 1: And a quick reminder, Tomorrow is our last day for

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Speaker 1: the Smells Like Teen Spirit Summit. Early bird price prices

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Speaker 1: go up on Thursday, so dive in. We would love

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Speaker 1: to have you there for the best summit we have

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Speaker 1: ever done and probably the last summit will ever do.

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Speaker 1: The Smells Like Teen Spirit Summit so you can have

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Speaker 1: more nirvana, less dramat