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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.

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Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just answers.

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Speaker 1: Now, just before we dive into today's podcast, a quick

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Speaker 1: content warning. Today we will be talking about all things intimacy.

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Speaker 1: Well not all things, but a lot of things intimacy related.

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Speaker 1: The content of today's podcast is not for children. It's

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Speaker 1: for grown ups. So if you've got the kids in

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Speaker 1: the car or wherever you are, and you're listening, and

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Speaker 1: you usually listen to this podcast together, this is your

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Speaker 1: last chance to say, hang on, kids, this one's not

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Speaker 1: for you, because this one's just for the grown ups.

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Speaker 1: I'm a little bit nervous about this one, Kylie. Can

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Speaker 1: I tell you why? Because our son in law and

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Speaker 1: our daughter might be listening if they listen to the podcast,

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Speaker 1: and I know what we're going to be talking about today,

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Speaker 1: all right, so let's dive into it. Content warning is

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Speaker 1: taken care of. The question came through to podcasts at

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Speaker 1: Happy Families dot com dot au. We started a new segment.

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Speaker 1: It's called is it just Me? Is it just me?

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Speaker 1: And somebody sent you on is it just me?

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Speaker 3: For us?

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Speaker 1: They said, is it just me? Or am I the

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Speaker 1: only one who has zero interest? In being intimate with

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Speaker 1: my partner. Is it just me or are other people

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Speaker 1: feeling the same way.

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Speaker 2: I remember, not long after we'd had baby number three.

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Speaker 1: Just be careful with what you say here. I'm really

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Speaker 1: nervous about whether this's going to go.

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Speaker 2: Walking into the doctor's office and said, I don't think

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Speaker 2: I care if I ever have sex again.

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Speaker 1: I'm glad that changed clearly. We had three more kids,

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Speaker 1: so it did. I said, there.

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Speaker 2: Must be something wrong with me. He didn't even take

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Speaker 2: it up. We didn't even have a conversation about it.

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Speaker 1: Just move on next thing. So a quick experience that

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Speaker 1: I had. I was running a presentation in Sydney many

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Speaker 1: years ago. I was at a private girls school talking

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Speaker 1: to a group of well being stuff. We were doing

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Speaker 1: a wellbeing session and I was talking about some science

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Speaker 1: that shows that when you are mindful and thinking about

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Speaker 1: what you're doing, your happiness levels are higher. When you're

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Speaker 1: not mindful, that is, when you're thinking about something other

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Speaker 1: than what you're doing, your happiness levels, your well being

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Speaker 1: levels are lower. And there was a research paper that

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Speaker 1: was published in the highly prestigious journal Nature and the

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Speaker 1: number one thing, the number one thing on the list

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Speaker 1: highlighting what people are doing and thinking about it at

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Speaker 1: the same time, so therefore they're feeling happy. Was And

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Speaker 1: then I stopped and looked at the group of people

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Speaker 1: in front of me and said, well, what do you

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Speaker 1: think the answer is. I listened to this half a

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Speaker 1: dozen or this dozen strong group of women as they

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Speaker 1: came up with every answer they possibly could, trying to

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Speaker 1: work out what it is that you do and think

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Speaker 1: about it while you're doing the same things. Like eating,

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Speaker 1: I'm like, no, people don't think about what they're eating.

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Speaker 1: They just put food in their face. Exercising like, no,

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Speaker 1: people often think about anything except the exercise because it hurts.

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Speaker 1: They kept on coming up with somebody said sleeping. I'm like,

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Speaker 1: nobody's thinking about anything when they're sleeping.

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Speaker 3: Come on.

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Speaker 1: The one thing they wouldn't say was sex. They wouldn't

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Speaker 1: say intimacy. And when I finally told them that was

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Speaker 1: the answer that was top of the list, most of

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Speaker 1: them scoffed. They did the full on the guff or

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Speaker 1: the kind of thing like they just couldn't imagine that

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Speaker 1: that was really the number one thing.

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Speaker 3: But it was.

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Speaker 1: So we've asked the question on Facebook, is it just me?

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Speaker 1: Or am I the only one who has zero interest

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Speaker 1: in being intimate with my partner. So we asked the

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Speaker 1: question on Facebook. We have used some voice actors for

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Speaker 1: some of the responses, and some of you sent us

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Speaker 1: your voice memos via the very easy to use button

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Speaker 1: at Happy Families dot com dot au. You just go

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Speaker 1: to the podcast page, click the button and start talking.

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Speaker 2: I loved Vanessa's response, she said.

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Speaker 1: Maybe hit weeds, but I can't relate to this at all.

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Speaker 2: And a follow on from that was from Apollonios. She said,

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Speaker 2: my husband just has to look at me and I

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Speaker 2: want to jump his bones, So I can't relate five

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Speaker 2: kids aging from fifteen years to fifteen months, and we

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Speaker 2: run a business full time.

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Speaker 1: What a great response, any bone jumping going, Let's not

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Speaker 1: go there. Danil was talking about the difficulty of finding

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Speaker 1: time for intimacy when you've got teenagers. Can so relate

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Speaker 1: right like once the kids start staying up later than you,

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Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, so frustrating. She was mentioning how difficult

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Speaker 1: it was, and the Happy Families team jumped in and said,

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Speaker 1: I reckon a solid could you leave us alone? Your

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Speaker 1: father and I trying to have sex should make the

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Speaker 1: team scarce.

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Speaker 3: For a while.

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Speaker 1: Love the Happy Family's team and their sense of humor.

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Speaker 2: I have a close friend who actually tells her children

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Speaker 2: Sunday is sex day, so leave us alone.

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Speaker 1: I don't know if I've heard that story in launch.

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Speaker 1: I feel about it. I guess if it gets anyway,

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Speaker 1: let's move on. Linda from the UK said this is

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Speaker 1: a real thing and it could be for the following reasons.

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Speaker 1: Number one, we just went through a pandemic and we're

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Speaker 1: fearing World War iie, so there's just the whole there's

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Speaker 1: a bit of stuff going on. Number two, Also, there

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Speaker 1: are global economic crises which have increased inflation and created

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Speaker 1: more stressing couples. So I think that's more likely than

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Speaker 1: the first one, just the stress in couples. Number three

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Speaker 1: pornography addiction for some men, which creates contempt and resentment

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Speaker 1: from their wives for having to have them as their partner.

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Speaker 1: Received a number of private emails people just email as

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Speaker 1: podcasts at Happy Families dot com dot au, emphasizing how

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Speaker 1: big of an issue explicit content online is. Number four,

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Speaker 1: screen addiction, which creates mental overload on top of the

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Speaker 1: most overloader generation. Now, I would add to what Lindida

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Speaker 1: has said here just being on your phone, because when

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Speaker 1: you're on your phone, you're kind of sending this signal

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Speaker 1: to everybody else that the phone's more important, and therefore

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Speaker 1: you're not willing to engage with them. That is an

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Speaker 1: intimacy killer. I had it when I come into the

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Speaker 1: bedroom and you're on the phone, and I know you

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Speaker 1: feel the same way when you walk into the room

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Speaker 1: and I'm on my device. Whereas when that phone is

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Speaker 1: down and you have eye contact and you look at

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Speaker 1: each other and smile and say, how about it, There's

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Speaker 1: just something different right. Number five raising children without a village,

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Speaker 1: which is a deviation from how humans were raised in

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Speaker 1: the past. Number six, All of the can impact mental health,

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Speaker 1: and there was a whole lot more that Lindida from

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Speaker 1: the UK through and there. I think that all reasonable,

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Speaker 1: some of them much more than others. It's tough when

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Speaker 1: there's so much going on that takes up your cognitive

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Speaker 1: headspace and doesn't allow you to step into the intimate zone.

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Speaker 2: Eliza said, I feel like a lot of women need

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Speaker 2: to be wooed in order to feel in the mood

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Speaker 2: for intimacy. There are so many things on our to

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Speaker 2: do list, and we struggle to compartmentalize. If there are

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Speaker 2: things to do on the list, then I can imagine

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Speaker 2: some may struggle to start another task or to relax

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Speaker 2: to enjoy time together. If my list is done, my

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Speaker 2: mind is quiet, and it's easier to relax and enjoy intimacy.

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Speaker 2: If hubby contributes to my to do list, it's even

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Speaker 2: easier to relax and enjoy that intimacy.

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Speaker 1: There is something about that, isn't there. I hear it

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Speaker 1: all the time. Notice the responses that we've had have

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Speaker 1: one hundred percent all been from women. There were only

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Speaker 1: two men who jumped on. Both of them, well, both

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Speaker 1: of them didn't do the best job in what they said,

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Speaker 1: and one guy in particular really created a bit of

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Speaker 1: a storm. His name was Jace Jays. Jumped in there

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Speaker 1: and said or.

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Speaker 3: Reading a lot of the comments from women that complain

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Speaker 3: about housework stress, being tired, the men not being a

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Speaker 3: mind read, etcetera, etcetera. It's all these cop outs. Start

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Speaker 3: looking for the reasons why it should be happening, not

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Speaker 3: justifying the reason it's not. Look after him, ladies, or

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Speaker 3: you'll kill your marriage, that simple ouch.

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Speaker 2: I can see why that wasn't necessarily the most popular response,

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Speaker 2: and our last one I wanted to share is actually

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Speaker 2: from Kylie. She said, oh boy, can definitely relate. Menopause

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Speaker 2: has finished off my already struggling libido.

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Speaker 1: Did you just say, Kylie? I hang, I know it's

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Speaker 1: not you because not going to say anything about menopause yet.

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Speaker 1: But you're not there yet. Go ahead.

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Speaker 2: My husband is pretty understanding, but it's something else to

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Speaker 2: feel guilty about, because physical intimacy just feels like something

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Speaker 2: else on my to do list nowadays. I miss the

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Speaker 2: old me and I hope I come back at some stage.

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Speaker 1: Oh boy, So many many comments that we haven't really

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Speaker 1: talked about. The cognitive load, the fact that women are very,

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Speaker 1: very tired doing so much around the house and often

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Speaker 1: feel like they have to be the mother not only

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Speaker 1: to their children but also to their husband. And when

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Speaker 1: they move into the bedroom, they don't want to continue

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Speaker 1: to feel like their mum. They want to feel like

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Speaker 1: something else. But quite often they're so tired that they

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Speaker 1: just their head hits the pillow and it's all over.

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Speaker 1: Lots of conversations around perimenopause, menopause and just so much

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Speaker 1: to do, sheer exhaustion getting in the way. We are

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Speaker 1: not sex therapists, but we have some ideas that we

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Speaker 1: think might be helpful. If you're worried that it is

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Speaker 1: just you and that you're not getting enough noggy, you're

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Speaker 1: not getting enough of the good stuff in the bedroom,

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Speaker 1: let's dive into it.

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Speaker 2: According to Emily Knagoski, author of Come As You Are.

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Speaker 1: One of your favorite books in history, and it's a

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Speaker 1: good book. Hey, I liked it as well. You've got

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Speaker 1: me reading it, and I mean I already knew it

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Speaker 1: all you at all.

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Speaker 2: Science taught justin that there are three essential characteristics of

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Speaker 2: couples who sustain a connection over the long term. And

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Speaker 2: none of them were the characteristics you might have guessed.

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Speaker 1: Interestingly, not really about cognitive load, certainly not about global

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Speaker 1: warming or World War three or any of that sort

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Speaker 1: of stuff. The three characteristics are number one. If you

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Speaker 1: want to sustain a strong sexual connection, you've got to

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Speaker 1: like each other. Like no, I know that sounds really obvious,

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Speaker 1: but you've you got to look at that person and

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Speaker 1: think you really mattered to me. I want to prioritize

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Speaker 1: you and trust you. I admire you. You're the kind

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Speaker 1: of person that I would like to share this intimate

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Speaker 1: experience with So.

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Speaker 2: I'm going to go a little bit further. The girls

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Speaker 2: were asking me the other day to kind of just

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Speaker 2: retell our story how we.

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Speaker 1: Met, and all the girls has in our daughters.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And as I was talking to them, I shared

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Speaker 2: with them how it felt the day we got married.

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Speaker 2: I remember waking up that morning and just being so excited.

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Speaker 2: There was no anxiety, there was no concern about whether

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Speaker 2: I was making the right choice or not. I was

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Speaker 2: just so excited that today I was going to be

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Speaker 2: making a commitment to spend the rest of my life

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Speaker 2: with my very best friend. And over the years, we've

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Speaker 2: both shared that we had that exact same feeling.

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Speaker 1: I had that conversation with my best man as we

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Speaker 1: were driving to the wedding venue.

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Speaker 2: And I think for anyone who chooses to spend a

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Speaker 2: lifetime with someone, we've had those experiences. We've had that

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Speaker 2: feeling of wanting to spend a lifetime together, but the

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Speaker 2: next step is actually choosing them every single day.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, And just on that, I can't tell you how

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Speaker 1: many people that I've spoken to who just have this

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Speaker 1: sort of simmering underbelly of resentment towards their spouse or partner.

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Speaker 1: They feel like they're taken for granted, they feel like

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Speaker 1: they do the line's share of the work, they carry

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Speaker 1: the majority of the load. They do this, they do that,

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Speaker 1: and the other person never does this or never does that.

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Speaker 1: There's sort of like this white anting of the relationship.

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Speaker 1: You have to love each other, like really really want

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Speaker 1: to be with each other. That friendship, the quality of

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Speaker 1: the relationship, the trust, the admiration, the feelings of we're

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Speaker 1: better when we're together, those kinds of feelings have got

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Speaker 1: to come first. You're not going to prioritize any kind

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Speaker 1: of intimacy if you don't feel that way about each other.

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Speaker 1: So if you're listening to this podcast and you don't

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Speaker 1: feel like that, it's time to do some work on

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Speaker 1: the relationship. It's time to rebuild the connection. Connection means

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Speaker 1: feeling seen, hurt and valued. So find ways that you

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Speaker 1: can see and hear and value each other again and

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Speaker 1: get that get that going, because oh my goodness, it's

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Speaker 1: so good when you do.

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Speaker 2: It's not one person's job. It's not your husband's job,

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Speaker 2: it's not your partner's job. We both have to take

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Speaker 2: responsibility for that connection.

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Speaker 1: Okay, here's the second thing. In addition to liking each

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Speaker 1: other and being friends. The couples who sustain strong sexual

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Speaker 1: connections prioritize sex like they actually decide that it matters

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Speaker 1: for their relationship, and they find opportunities to have that

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Speaker 1: physical intimacy together. It might not always be inter course,

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Speaker 1: it might be any number of other forms of physical

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Speaker 1: closeness and intimacy, but they absolutely prioritize it. They make

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Speaker 1: sure that they make time to get it on.

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Speaker 2: I think about the enormity of the task of being

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Speaker 2: a parent, you're going.

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Speaker 1: To say, and the normaty is something else for a second.

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Speaker 2: And how much effort we go to to be the

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Speaker 2: very best we can for our children. And yet in

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Speaker 2: a handful of years, your children are going to leave

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Speaker 2: the nest and you're going to be stuck with the

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Speaker 2: other person that's left in the house.

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Speaker 1: I remember Huey Lewis used to sing, I'm happy to

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Speaker 1: be stuck with you, and I mean, I just I

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Speaker 1: can't think of anything better than being stuck with you.

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Speaker 1: That would be my dream, that's my ultimate fantess. Anyway,

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Speaker 1: carry on. But it's the prioritization, right, the prioritization of

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Speaker 1: the intimacy in the relationship.

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Speaker 2: Well, and I think when you kind of do an

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Speaker 2: inventory of your life and your relationships, where are you

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Speaker 2: putting most of the energy. Is it into your children

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Speaker 2: and building those relationships to the detriment of your marriage

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Speaker 2: or relationship, or are you finding avenues to actually give

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Speaker 2: priority to your partner.

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Speaker 1: Okay, here's the third one. Instead of accepting other people's

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Speaker 1: opinions about how they're supposed to do sex in their partnership,

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Speaker 1: the people who have genuinely strong sexual connection prioritize what's

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Speaker 1: genuinely true for them and what works in their unique relationship.

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Speaker 1: So they're not looking at the articles on news dot

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Speaker 1: com dot are you that tell you how many times

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Speaker 1: the average person does this or does that, or it's

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Speaker 1: just not relevant. What you focused on is what works

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Speaker 1: in your relationship.

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Speaker 2: And that means being able to have open dialogue and

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Speaker 2: communication with each other.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Yes, that's where the healthy conversation comes in. Now, we

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Speaker 1: also need to acknowledge sometimes you're not interested and it's

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Speaker 1: got nothing to do with you or or your partner.

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Speaker 1: This could be a medical issue, or it could be

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Speaker 1: a psychological issue, so it's important that you go and

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Speaker 1: get help. If that's the case we're out of time.

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Speaker 1: So there are two other things that I've learned from

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Speaker 1: that book comes you up by Emily and de Gooski.

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Speaker 1: I want to share them and any men who are listening,

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Speaker 1: this is especially for you. Number one, you need to

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Speaker 1: understand the difference between responsive desire and spontaneous desire. Most

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Speaker 1: men tend to be spontaneously desirous. That they see something

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Speaker 1: that they like and they become desirous of that thing.

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Speaker 2: And as a society we have been, i want to say,

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Speaker 2: brainwashed to think that spontaneous desire is the only way

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Speaker 2: to have a fulfilling, loving relationship, right.

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Speaker 1: Because that's the whole Hollywood trope, and it's also completely

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Speaker 1: what pornography is about as well. There's something else though,

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Speaker 1: that's called responsive desire, and that's the desire that builds

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Speaker 1: over time when you feel seen, hurt and valued, when

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Speaker 1: you feel like somebody cares about you, they're trying to

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Speaker 1: build trust with you. That responsive desire is the thing

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Speaker 1: where maybe right now I'm not feeling like it, but

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Speaker 1: in ten or fifteen or twenty minutes or thirty minutes

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Speaker 1: of cuddling and talking and feeling loved, I might start

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Speaker 1: to feel like it my body or my psyche starts

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Speaker 1: to respond. Difference between responsiveness and spontaneity when it comes

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Speaker 1: to desire is huge. The other thing that I think

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Speaker 1: is critically important here is men are ready to go

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Speaker 1: in I don't know, anywhere between ten seconds and two minutes,

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Speaker 1: whereas for women, there's some pretty strong evidence that indicates

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Speaker 1: a good forty minutes minimum to get things warmed up

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Speaker 1: and humming so that we can have a high level

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Speaker 1: of a highly pleasurable experience. So men, don't rush it,

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Speaker 1: don't rush it at all. The second point that I

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Speaker 1: want to make is that you've got to emphasize female pleasure.

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Speaker 1: It's not about you. And if you emphasize female pleasure,

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Speaker 1: you are going to have a good time guaranteed. Like

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Speaker 1: you're going to have a good time anyway, but if

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Speaker 1: you emphasize female pleasure, then you're your wife is going

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Speaker 1: to have a great time, which means that you're guaranteed

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Speaker 1: to have a good time because you'll be glad that

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Speaker 1: she had a good time, which makes your time even better.

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Speaker 1: Is what I'm trying to say. So I don't want

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Speaker 1: to have share, but I'm just going to say this.

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Speaker 1: I have two rules when it comes to our relationship

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Speaker 1: and the opportunity that we have to be together when

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Speaker 1: the kids aren't banging on the door or whatever it is.

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Speaker 1: Rule number one, slow things down. And rule number two

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Speaker 1: it's not about me. And I've found that those two

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Speaker 1: rules have served I was going to say me served us. Well,

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Speaker 1: you're just looking at me and blushing right now. Should

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Speaker 1: I have not shared.

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Speaker 2: That I only have one rule, right let's be in

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Speaker 2: the moment.

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Speaker 3: What a great rule, What a great rule.

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Speaker 1: We hope that this has been a compelling podcast for you.

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Speaker 1: We hope that it's given you a few ideas to

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Speaker 1: reinvigorate your love life and hopefully make your family happier.

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Speaker 1: Thank you so much, Justin Roland from Bridge Media, who

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Speaker 1: is our podcast producer. Also a big thanks to Craig Bruce,

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Speaker 1: our executive producer. For more information about making your family happier,

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Speaker 1: visit happy families dot com dot e