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Speaker 1: One of the most common questions that I'm asked is

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Speaker 1: how do I get my partner on the same page?

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Speaker 1: Or I feel like I'm parenting alone in a marriage?

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Speaker 1: How do I get And I hate to say it,

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Speaker 1: it's almost always mums, not completely almost, but it's almost

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Speaker 1: always mums saying how do I get my husband on

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Speaker 1: the same page? Every now and again a bloke will

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Speaker 1: say the same thing about his wife. Today, on The

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Speaker 1: Happy Family's podcast, we talk about what to do when

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Speaker 1: you're parenting alone in a marriage. Today, Welcome to The

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Speaker 1: Happy Family's podcast, Real Parenting Solutions every Day. This is

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Speaker 1: Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. We are justin and Kylie Coulson.

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Speaker 1: Kylie has a little tickle in her throat. Say hi, Kylie,

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Speaker 1: so I'm sorry, all right. A lot of people feel

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Speaker 1: like they're carrying the entire parenting burden alone. If you

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Speaker 1: feel like that, you may not be imagining it. It

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Speaker 1: might actually be legit. I'm not going to gas like

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Speaker 1: you on this one. I don't know what's happening in

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Speaker 1: your family, but if you do feel like that, I

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Speaker 1: can promise you you're not alone. This is such a

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Speaker 1: common question that I get and it feels really unfair.

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Speaker 1: Every now and again, I'll talk to like a mom

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Speaker 1: who'll just say, my husband literally sits on his phone.

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Speaker 1: That's all he does. He reads the news and he

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Speaker 1: plays games, or I expect to one mum and she said,

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Speaker 1: he literally just goes into the living room and he's

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Speaker 1: on devices, like he's literally on the like he thinks

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Speaker 1: he's a professional gamer. But we don't earn any money

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Speaker 1: from it. And he doesn't contribute around the house, and

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Speaker 1: he doesn't help with the kids, and it's doing my

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Speaker 1: head in. It really really sucks if you're married to

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Speaker 1: a man child. Today on the pod, we essentially are

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Speaker 1: going to talk about some gentle but effective ways that

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Speaker 1: you can invite your partner into fuller engagement. Let's call

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Speaker 1: it that fuller engagement, assuming that they want to be

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Speaker 1: a good parent but might not know how to start.

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Speaker 1: So that is right at the very core of what

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Speaker 1: we're talking about. We're talking about having a husband wife

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Speaker 1: partner who does actually desire to contribute and wants to

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Speaker 1: be a good husband, wife, partner parent, but they're just

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Speaker 1: I don't know, they're just struggling to get it right.

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Speaker 1: There are too many other distractions. There's too much else

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Speaker 1: going on. So I've got a couple of ideas, Kylie,

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Speaker 1: I know that you've got your favorite. We haven't even

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Speaker 1: planned this. I'm just going to shoot from the hit,

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Speaker 1: but I know that your favorite one is going to

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Speaker 1: come up. I think that I'm kind of accounting for

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Speaker 1: it in some of mine, but feel free to dive

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Speaker 1: in whenever you want. I'm going to do most of

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Speaker 1: the talking, why because you can barely to talk. Okay,

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Speaker 1: This does not mean that I dominate. It does not

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Speaker 1: mean that we're not on the same page. I'm just

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Speaker 1: going to be your voice when you can't use your

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Speaker 1: voice alone. Should I stop digging? Should we just get

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Speaker 1: on with this?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, you're enjoying this all way too much?

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Speaker 1: All right. The first thing that I want to emphasize

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Speaker 1: is when I hear people complaining about their partner's parenting.

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Speaker 1: What I want to do, and this is something that

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Speaker 1: I haven't figured out how to say tenderly and gently

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Speaker 1: enough to actually say it yet, is that we get

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Speaker 1: in life what we focus on. So I do this

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Speaker 1: experiment when I'm on stage. Sometimes depending on what the topic,

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Speaker 1: what the conversation is, where I get a volunteer to

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Speaker 1: come out of the audience, and I give them like

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Speaker 1: a broom handle. It doesn't have the broomer fix right,

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Speaker 1: just the broom handle the stick, or a one meter ruler,

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Speaker 1: or even you can do it with something even short,

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Speaker 1: like a thirty centimeter ruler if you want. And I

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Speaker 1: ask them to balance that stick on their fingertips and

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Speaker 1: look at their fingertips while they're doing it. It's really hard.

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Speaker 1: Nobody can really do it, not effectively, and if they can,

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Speaker 1: it's tricky and it only will lasts for a couple

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Speaker 1: of seconds. And then I asked them to try again,

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Speaker 1: but this time, instead of looking at their fingertips while

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Speaker 1: they balance this stick in their hand, I want them

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Speaker 1: instead to look at the top of the stick, whether

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Speaker 1: it's thirty centimeters or a meter or its entire broomstick,

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Speaker 1: look at the top, not the bottom. And while it's

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Speaker 1: still tricky, I want to emphasize it is still tricky,

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Speaker 1: they always experience far greater success looking at the top

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Speaker 1: rather than at the bottom. The point that I'm making

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Speaker 1: here is you get what you're focus on. What you

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Speaker 1: focus on in life makes a huge difference. And so

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Speaker 1: when people are complaining to me that their husband, wife, partner,

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Speaker 1: spouse is a lousy parent, doesn't pull their weight. Something

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Speaker 1: that I really want to encourage is I'm going to

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Speaker 1: call it an appreciation inventory, an appreciation inventory gratitude. The

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Speaker 1: reality is this, they're probably doing more than we realize.

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Speaker 1: The other thing that I will focus on is that

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Speaker 1: a lot of disengaged parents and partners have withdrawn because

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Speaker 1: they feel like we're not grateful, because they feel like

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Speaker 1: they're unrecognized, because they feel like we're criticizing them or

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Speaker 1: calling them in competent, and we know how important competence

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Speaker 1: is in terms of basic psychological needs.

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Speaker 2: I'm going to push back on that though, Oh no,

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Speaker 2: because regardless of whether that's the case or not, if

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Speaker 2: you're in a partnership, then number one, you have a

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Speaker 2: voice and you have an opportunity to express that. But

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Speaker 2: number two, that doesn't excuse you from checking out like

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Speaker 2: it doesn't.

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Speaker 1: So communication critical around here. Unfortunately, whether it excuses it

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Speaker 1: or not, it happens.

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Speaker 2: I actually think a lot of what goes on is

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Speaker 2: that each partner feels that the weight of the load

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Speaker 2: that they carry out weighs the weight of the other persons.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to talk about that in a minute. That

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Speaker 1: one's coming up, I promise. Okay, Okay, So here's the

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Speaker 1: practical element to the appreciation inventory. This is something that

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Speaker 1: you can genuinely do, starting right now, and it's incredible

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Speaker 1: how quickly it works and how easily it works. Instead

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Speaker 1: of sitting down and saying we need to talk about

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Speaker 1: our relationship, well we need to talk about your parenting.

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Speaker 1: You're not on the same page as me. Spend a

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Speaker 1: week just noticing and acknowledging what they are doing. So

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Speaker 1: you might say something like I love seeing you and

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Speaker 1: our daughter Emma laugh together during breakfast, or thank you

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Speaker 1: so much for reading that extra bedtime story to the

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Speaker 1: kids last night. Well, you're smirking at me. What are

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Speaker 1: you laughing at?

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Speaker 2: I'm laughing because when we first got married, you're really

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Speaker 2: really good at noticing all of the things I was doing.

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Speaker 2: This was before I was even a parent. Yeah, you

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Speaker 2: also tacked on, but next time I could you tast.

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Speaker 1: Okay, So that's not part of the appreciation inventory. Okay,

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Speaker 1: Oh gosh.

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Speaker 2: Luck you were twenty seven years on. You've learned to.

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Speaker 1: Lie both learnt. I don't say that anymore, do I? No,

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Speaker 1: you don't I just walk in and say I love

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Speaker 1: it when I walk into a clean living room. I

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Speaker 1: don't say anything about the bedroom, in the kitchen, the

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Speaker 1: dining room, at the kids rooms. I don't say anything

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Speaker 1: about the front veranda that I had to climb over

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Speaker 1: seventy four things. Well, I just say, oh, it just

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Speaker 1: gol so good to walk into a clean living room.

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Speaker 2: Like when the bed's made.

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Speaker 1: In terms of having a conversation around this, I've been

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Speaker 1: thinking about how we can both feel more connected as parents,

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Speaker 1: and I noticed that you are just really involved and

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Speaker 1: really connected and really on it when it comes to

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Speaker 1: Saturday sports, and I'd love to build on that. Is

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Speaker 1: there anything else that you're really enjoying as a parent,

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Speaker 1: because I'd like to load it onto you as well.

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Speaker 1: Obviously I'm making light of the situation, but actually why

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Speaker 1: this works. It's called the heliotropic effect. People move towards

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Speaker 1: positive energy, people move towards gratitude. People really love appreciation.

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Speaker 1: They tend to be repelled by criticism. So if someone

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Speaker 1: feels seen for their strengths, they're much more likely to

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Speaker 1: engage with you instead of defending or withdrawing. Yes, my

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Speaker 1: scripting might be a little bit contrived, but the appreciation

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Speaker 1: inventory will make a difference if you're not on the

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Speaker 1: same page just pointing out how things are going right.

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Speaker 1: The second idea is that we want to collaborate. We

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Speaker 1: want to invite rather than a sign. Nobody likes being

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Speaker 1: told what to do, but they're usually open to collaboration.

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Speaker 1: If you give somebody a to do list and just

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Speaker 1: say you're not pulling you, awight I need you to do

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Speaker 1: these things, it's not going to work, but they will

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Speaker 1: engage when they feel like they're a valued partner in

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Speaker 1: problem solving.

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Speaker 2: It's not helpful when we treat our partner like they're

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Speaker 2: the problem. And one of the best things we can

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Speaker 2: do to help with this is family meetings or couple inventories.

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Speaker 2: This is such a great place to sit down and

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Speaker 2: get on the same page. Knowledge the things that are

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Speaker 2: working really well, acknowledge and give gratitude for the part

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Speaker 2: that they're playing in the areas that they're doing really

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Speaker 2: well in.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's about collaboration, it's about problem solving.

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Speaker 1: It's not about turning one another into adversaries. That's exactly right, yep.

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Speaker 1: So that means that we want to frame problems as

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Speaker 1: us problems that we're going to solve together. So you

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Speaker 1: don't say you need to help more with bed time.

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Speaker 1: You're just not pulling your weight. It's way way better

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Speaker 1: if you can say.

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Speaker 2: It might be even good instead of saying anything, it's

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Speaker 2: actually asking a question. What are you noticing about bedtime?

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Speaker 1: How are you feeling about evenings at the moment. I've

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Speaker 1: noticed that you've been pretty irritable at night and so

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Speaker 1: have I.

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Speaker 2: What are you seeing well the kids are really stressed

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Speaker 2: or we're not getting compliance? And what can we do together?

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Speaker 1: So there's your explore and your explaining and then what

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Speaker 1: can we do together? As you're empower right, what can

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Speaker 1: we do together? It's a problem solving conversation. It's a

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Speaker 1: collaborative conversation. It just it just works. Assignment feels diminishing,

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Speaker 1: collaboration feels empowering. When people help to create the solution

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Speaker 1: as well, they've got more buy in, so it works better.

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Speaker 1: After the break, the gradual invitation plus an unexpected role

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Speaker 1: modeling opportunity. Okay, so we've talked about the appreciation inventory,

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Speaker 1: we've talked about being collaborative. Here's the third approach, the

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Speaker 1: build success slowly approach. If you jump from minimal engagement

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Speaker 1: to full co parenting, it's going to be too much

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Speaker 1: and it's going to fizzle out and die if you

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Speaker 1: go too hard and too fast.

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Speaker 2: It's kind of like starting a fitness routine.

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Speaker 1: Great example, great example, but one.

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Speaker 2: Of the biggest things it's a sense of frustration that

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Speaker 2: we have in that moment. If we understand that frustration

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Speaker 2: is a feeling of being stuck between effort and outcome,

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Speaker 2: it's a sign that something isn't working. So we either

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Speaker 2: have to shift our approach or our expectations. When we're

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Speaker 2: able to recognize that, our expectation can't be that we're

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Speaker 2: going to go from zero to a hunt exactly.

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Speaker 1: Like if you have not been to the gym or

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Speaker 1: done workouts or any kind of thing. For I don't

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Speaker 1: know if.

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Speaker 2: I'm not going to lose ten kilos overnight and you

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Speaker 2: start going to gym build muscles overnight.

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Speaker 1: But if you start going to the gym and you

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Speaker 1: go five days in a row, at the end of

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Speaker 1: the first week, you're going to be a wreck. You'll

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Speaker 1: be in pieces, your body's going to be screaming at

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Speaker 1: You're just gonna be like this was the worst idea ever.

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Speaker 1: I'm just going to sit on the couch. I'm never

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Speaker 1: doing this again. So we want to start slowly. I

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Speaker 1: just think practically, you want to identify one area where

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Speaker 1: they're showing some natural ability or some interest they actually

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Speaker 1: like being with the kids and just in deeper engagement there.

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Speaker 1: So one really fun example could be if they enjoy

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Speaker 1: making pancakes on Sunday morning with the kids, maybe they

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Speaker 1: could own the whole Sunday morning routine. Maybe you could

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Speaker 1: say you do Sunday morning so well, I want to

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Speaker 1: build on that, Like, what else could we do to

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Speaker 1: make Sundays beautiful and get them to take ownership of it.

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Speaker 1: I know some parents who are like, you do Sunday

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Speaker 1: so well, You've got Sunday, I'm going out with my friends.

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Speaker 1: But that's not what we're suggesting here, because it's really

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Speaker 1: about building stronger family relationships. The reason for this builds

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Speaker 1: success Slowly idea is because success breeds success, and when

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Speaker 1: someone starts to feel competent make progress in one area

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Speaker 1: of life, they're more likely to try expanding their involvement

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Speaker 1: and building that up elsewhere. It just comes down to competence.

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Speaker 1: So the last idea, we've got to do this really

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Speaker 1: quickly because we're out of time. Is I'm a big

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Speaker 1: on role modeling, and this one's a little bit trickier.

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Speaker 1: It requires a little bit of planning and forethought, or

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Speaker 1: it requires being really obvious and being quite transparent. One

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Speaker 1: of the two. I prefer the transparent model, but some

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Speaker 1: people do prefer being a little sneaky. Let another dad

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Speaker 1: show the way. So sometimes, and this is unfair and inappropriate,

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Speaker 1: but it goes like this anyway, whether it's right or not.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes partners need to see what engaged parenting looks like

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Speaker 1: from someone who is in their spouse, and men particularly

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Speaker 1: seem to be really responsive to seeing other men model

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Speaker 1: hands on pairing with out realizing that they're being taught.

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Speaker 2: The idea that we can become the average of the

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Speaker 2: five people we spend the most time with.

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Speaker 1: Well we're not only that we can become, we do

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Speaker 1: become the average of the five people you spend the

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Speaker 1: most time with is.

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Speaker 2: Pretty powerful, right. Yeah, So if your husband hangs out

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Speaker 2: with people who are just like him, and they come

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Speaker 2: home and they are on their screens or they're gaming,

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Speaker 2: or they've.

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Speaker 1: Got that entitlement, where's my dinner, why's the house and

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Speaker 1: mess kind of thing.

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Speaker 2: Then there is going to be no there's going to

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Speaker 2: be no shift.

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Speaker 1: And if they're the jokes that they're making at work

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Speaker 1: the next day, that's that's a problem. Right. So finding

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Speaker 1: finding really good role models who can model the kind

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Speaker 1: of fatherhood that that that's just that's a game changer.

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Speaker 2: So it's almost it's that concept of building a village.

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Speaker 2: We're building a village around our family with people who

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Speaker 2: we essentially aspire to be.

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Speaker 1: Like, do you know, I want to share something quite

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Speaker 1: personal and a little bit hard for me to share.

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Speaker 1: I work so hard. I work, I'm writing books, I'm

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Speaker 1: recording podcasts, I'm traveling. My time is so limited, and

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Speaker 1: I work really hard to make sure that kids get

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Speaker 1: plenty of me. But I've got a mate who runs

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Speaker 1: a big business. He builds semi trailer trailers, Like he

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Speaker 1: builds the trailers for big trucks, tip of trucks, all

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Speaker 1: that kind of thing. It's a multimillion dollar business. The

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Speaker 1: guy is at work first thing in the morning. He's

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Speaker 1: working with a big crew of guys. Like he works

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Speaker 1: hard as well. But when I talk to him about

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Speaker 1: what he's been up to he's been camping with the kids.

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Speaker 1: They're into go karting and so they're up and down

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Speaker 1: the Queensland coast in it in New South Wales regularly

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Speaker 1: for all their go karting competitions. They're out in the

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Speaker 1: shed building go karts together. He's teaching the kids how

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Speaker 1: to do the mechanics and change the tires and do

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Speaker 1: all that sort of stuff. Every time I talk to Chris.

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Speaker 1: Every time I talk to Chris, he inspires me to

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Speaker 1: be a better parent. He inspires me to book something

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Speaker 1: in with the children and spend time with them do

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Speaker 1: things that are valuable.

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Speaker 2: You forgot to add that he's about twenty years younger

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Speaker 2: than you as an he.

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Speaker 1: No, he's only about this is the his kids are

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Speaker 1: younger than ours. But yeah, he's only a few years younger.

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Speaker 1: He's just he's such a great model of what it

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Speaker 1: is to be a connected, engaged father.

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Speaker 2: So you can't use old age as no.

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Speaker 1: No, I can't. But this is the point. This is

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Speaker 1: why I added it. I actually wanted to make a

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Speaker 1: special mention to Chris. I'll have to mention that he's

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Speaker 1: in the pod today because I love hearing about what

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Speaker 1: Chris does and what he and the kids get up to.

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Speaker 1: And when dads can be involved with other dads who

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Speaker 1: are talking about those kinds of things, it just changes

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Speaker 1: the nature of their relationships. They get more involved. Once again, though,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to come back to appreciation, he is probably

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Speaker 1: doing stuff. I hope he's doing stuff. Let's acknowledge the

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Speaker 1: stuff that he is doing and try and build on it.

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Speaker 1: Go with slow success. The reality is, I actually think

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Speaker 1: most parents really do want to be good parents. Sometimes

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Speaker 1: they just need an invitation, They need some appreciation, or

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Speaker 1: they need a pathway that doesn't feel overwhelming. They don't

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Speaker 1: need judgment, criticism, need modeling, and they need collaboration. And

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Speaker 1: hopefully these ideas, these gentle approaches can create much bigger

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Speaker 1: transformations than the confrontational you need to pull up your

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Speaker 1: socks buddy approach. The Happy Famili's podcast is produced by

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Speaker 1: Justin ruland from Bridge Media. Mimhammonds provides all of our

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Speaker 1: admin and other support. If you'd like more information about

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Speaker 1: making your family happier, you'll find info on resources at

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Speaker 1: happy families dot com dot you