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Speaker 1: My name's Anatasha Bamblet. I'm a proud First Nations woman

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Speaker 1: and I'm here to acknowledge country t glennyan Ganya, Niana,

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Speaker 1: kaka ya Ya bin Ahaka Nian Our gay In Nimbina,

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Speaker 1: yakarum jar Dominyama, Doma Itawakaman, damon Imlan bomber bang Gadabomba

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Speaker 1: in and now in wakah ghana on yak rum jar Watnadaa. Hello,

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Speaker 1: beautiful friends, we gather on the lands of the Aboriginal people.

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Speaker 1: We thank acknowledge and respect the Abiginal people's land that

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Speaker 1: we're gathering on today. Take pleasure in all the land

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Speaker 1: and respect all that you see. She's on the Money

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Speaker 1: podcast acknowledges culture, country, community and connections, bringing you the tools,

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Speaker 1: knowledge and resources for you to thrive.

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Speaker 2: She's on the Money. She's on the Money.

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Speaker 3: Hello and welcome to She's on the Money, the podcast

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Speaker 3: that lets you be pervy about other people's money.

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Speaker 2: Stories for educational purposes.

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Speaker 3: Of course, today's episode is something a little bit different,

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Speaker 3: and I am so flipping excited about it because one

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Speaker 3: of our most popular money diaries of all time, the

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Speaker 3: one that had all of us yelling yes, queen in

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Speaker 3: the back.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, she's back.

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Speaker 3: So you might remember a year ago we read a

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Speaker 3: letter and I'm going to read it out again. It

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Speaker 3: sounded exactly like this, Hello, she's on the money Queen's

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Speaker 3: I'm a thirty five year old mum of two with

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Speaker 3: a story that serves as a cautionary tale for all women.

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Speaker 3: Three months into relocating to a news date with my husband,

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Speaker 3: he blindsided me with the news that he was leaving.

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Speaker 3: I had absolutely no idea this was coming. And here's

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Speaker 3: the tough part. We had joint money. He earns three

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Speaker 3: times what I do, and I have spent the last

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Speaker 3: nine years out of full time work raising our children.

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Speaker 3: Now I have to pick myself back up and reassess

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Speaker 3: everything to start fresh and give my kids the life

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Speaker 3: they deserve. Now, obviously I'll link this episode in the

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Speaker 3: show notes so that you can go back and do

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Speaker 3: you know what you should go back. Don't get further

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Speaker 3: into this and spoil the excitement of seeing where somebody

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Speaker 3: is without having listened to the first episode. But to

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Speaker 3: give you a really quick recap, last Time Money Diarist,

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Speaker 3: you were on the show. You'd just been blindsided by

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Speaker 3: your husband. Literally a few months after moving into state,

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Speaker 3: and right after a meeting about buying a property together,

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Speaker 3: you told me that you didn't have any money in

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Speaker 3: your own name at that point, which was really stressful

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Speaker 3: and it made obviously everything feel even harder when he

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Speaker 3: decided to leave. Now I remember you saying that mediation

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Speaker 3: was one of the best decisions that you ever made,

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Speaker 3: and you went in prepared and then you actually walked

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Speaker 3: out with sixty percent of his souperunuation and no debts

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Speaker 3: left on the table, which was an absolute sleigh. You

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Speaker 3: also negotiated around I think it was four grand a

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Speaker 3: month in child support, which put you in a way

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Speaker 3: better position to borrow again and then start planning for

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Speaker 3: the future and look after your children and get back

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Speaker 3: on track. And you'd just gone back to work as

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Speaker 3: a communications manager on a one hundred and three thousand

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Speaker 3: dollars a year paycheck, which was honestly incredible because obviously,

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Speaker 3: hearing your story, you were like, I'm so stressed, I've

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Speaker 3: been out of work, Like am I going to be

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Speaker 3: able to get an income? And you were really focused

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Speaker 3: on rebuilding your confidence in your career, which obviously every

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Speaker 3: single person in the she's on the money community was

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Speaker 3: absolutely behind you. In that episode, you gave yourself a

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Speaker 3: D minus for your money habits. Back then you said

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Speaker 3: I'm a D minus, but by the end of the

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Speaker 3: chat you'd actually said, do you know what? You know?

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Speaker 4: What? V?

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Speaker 3: I reckon? I'm a V plus And honestly, it felt

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Speaker 3: like the perfect symbol of just how far you'd come

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Speaker 3: and what you'd achieved. But now you're back, So welcome

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Speaker 3: to the show, my friend, and thanks for reaching out

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Speaker 3: and saying, hey, guys, I've got a little juicy update.

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Speaker 4: I mean, it's so interesting listening to all that and remembering,

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Speaker 4: I guess where I was like this time of year ago. Yeah,

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Speaker 4: I was feeling. I mean, there's a few things that

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Speaker 4: have all happened, some good, some not so good, to

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Speaker 4: catch everyone up on. There's still some definitely some cautionary

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Speaker 4: tale elements to my story. But the biggest, most exciting

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Speaker 4: thing is that I remember when I was speaking to you,

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Speaker 4: and my two biggest goals were to take my kids

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Speaker 4: on holiday and to my house. And I mean, I

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Speaker 4: literally have goosebums when I say this, but I have

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Speaker 4: achieved both of those things.

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Speaker 2: Get in a bin, are you?

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Speaker 4: Bon I did both so it. We had an amazing

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Speaker 4: family holiday. I mean, I'm literally sitting in my daughter's

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Speaker 4: room right now. It's best for acoustics.

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Speaker 2: You know, I have goose bums. I don't know if

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Speaker 2: you can see them. I'm so excited for you.

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Speaker 4: And we had just the best holiday ever of my

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Speaker 4: whole life, and the kids loved it. And then yeah,

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Speaker 4: a little while after that, so, like I said, I

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Speaker 4: think in the last one, my parents have been amazing,

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Speaker 4: and they you know, all through their own very very

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Speaker 4: clever approach to money over the years, Like you know,

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Speaker 4: they keep saying, Oh, we're just in a fortunate position

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Speaker 4: where we can help you on There's nothing fortunate about it.

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Speaker 4: You guys made really really smart financial decisions, and I

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Speaker 4: just could not be more grateful. So they contributed like

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Speaker 4: my deposit and then some which meant that I was

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Speaker 4: able to buy a house. And we've been here now

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Speaker 4: since I think we moved in May, and we just

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Speaker 4: love it. Like it's just we're so happy here, the

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Speaker 4: stability that we've got. I mean, I'm literally looking out

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Speaker 4: into my backyard right now and I can see the

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Speaker 4: kids trampoline and the basketball hoop and you know, and

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Speaker 4: it's like you know, their primary school is a block

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Speaker 4: and a half away, so most days we take the

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Speaker 4: dog and we walk to school. And then their high

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Speaker 4: school is a couple of blocks from here too, and

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Speaker 4: they've got all these friends in the neighborhood and so

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Speaker 4: it's just all the things. It's all the things. You know,

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Speaker 4: It's little and it's not perfect, but it's ours and

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Speaker 4: we just we love it. So that has been fantastic.

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Speaker 3: Oh, I'm so so excited for you. If we go

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Speaker 3: back to the day that we were recording, I feel

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Speaker 3: like you were so switched on. I was like, if

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Speaker 3: this had happened to me or you know, sadly, I've

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Speaker 3: seen lots of women in our community go through this.

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Speaker 3: You just had an air of positivity about you that

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Speaker 3: I was like, I don't know if I could muster that, Like,

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Speaker 3: I just don't know if I would be as optimistic

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Speaker 3: about the future. I'm not saying that you should be

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Speaker 3: down about this, but it's very easy to waller in

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Speaker 3: your own circumstances and be like, oh, whoa is me?

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Speaker 3: And you were not like that at all. How are

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Speaker 3: you feeling now? Obviously like you've achieved these big money

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Speaker 3: goals that you'd set and said you wanted to achieve,

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Speaker 3: and I don't think you thought they were going to happen.

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Speaker 3: Within the first twelve months. You were like, you know,

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Speaker 3: but there are things I'm going to do for my kids.

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Speaker 2: Did you listen to the episode?

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Speaker 4: Like was that I did?

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Speaker 3: Women familiar to you? How do you feel about it now?

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Speaker 4: I mean, I have lots of feelings about it, to

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Speaker 4: be honest, I think you would be able to show

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Speaker 4: up in that way because I think as mothers really

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Speaker 4: don't realize how strong we are until we have to

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Speaker 4: be for our kids. And I think, as I you know,

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Speaker 4: it's like people say like, oh my god, I could

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Speaker 4: never have twins, Well like, of course you could, Like

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Speaker 4: of course you could, because you'd have to figure out

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Speaker 4: a way, like and you're a mum, and so you do.

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Speaker 4: And that was very much my approach is like I

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Speaker 4: have to show.

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Speaker 3: Up for my kids, and I have to. There's actually

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Speaker 3: no choice here. I wasn't like, oh, would you like

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Speaker 3: to do this and you're like, oh, no, thank you, no.

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Speaker 4: Thank you. I choose misery. I just didn't have that.

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Speaker 4: And I mean, you know, I've gotten very like woo

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Speaker 4: woo over the last year and a bit. I do

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Speaker 4: my gratitude like meditating and manifesting every day. I really

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Speaker 4: believe in it. I just really believe a positive mindset

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Speaker 4: is such an important thing to have. I actually listened

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Speaker 4: to you had an episode with Georgia from.

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Speaker 3: Oh Georgie Stevenson from Rise and Conker.

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Speaker 4: Yes, I listened to that, and that, you know, I

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Speaker 4: was already doing a lot of it already then, but

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Speaker 4: then I've also then since gotten into all of her

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Speaker 4: stuff as well, which is great. So on the one hand, yeah,

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Speaker 4: I look at it and I'm like, yeah, I'm proud

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Speaker 4: that I was able to do that, and for the

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Speaker 4: most part, I am still the same. But also it's

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Speaker 4: been a really, really tough year since then. Things have

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Speaker 4: gotten very ugly with my ex husband. Again. This is

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Speaker 4: where I guess the cautionary tale part of it comes

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Speaker 4: in in that I had definitely counted my chickens before

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Speaker 4: they had hatched, and things got very ugly, and you know,

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Speaker 4: did all the things, did the hiding of the assets,

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Speaker 4: did the squirreling away money, did the I can't afford

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Speaker 4: to pay you this.

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Speaker 3: Not you somebody else did?

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Speaker 4: Yes? Yes? And did the backing out on a whole

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Speaker 4: bunch of promises. He's also I don't want to go

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Speaker 4: into too much detail, but you know, put the kids

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Speaker 4: into some not so safe situations which I'm really not

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Speaker 4: very happy about.

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Speaker 3: Excuse me, Like, squirrel the money away from me, Fine,

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Speaker 3: do not come near my children.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, And the thing is, it's not about squirreling the

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Speaker 4: money from me. It's about your children. Like I still

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Speaker 4: do have majority custody. And this is the thing that

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Speaker 4: people often say. He's like, how can he do that?

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Speaker 4: Doesn't he understand it's hurting the kids. And this is

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Speaker 4: the thing that people to understand about when you're dealing

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Speaker 4: with a true narcissist, that they don't care, like they

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Speaker 4: do not have capacity to care about other people. And

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Speaker 4: so he can't see that. He still genuinely believes he's

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Speaker 4: the victim in this situation. So yeah, so I think

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Speaker 4: that's kind of where the cautionary tale, but a bit

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Speaker 4: of it comes in, you know. I long story short,

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Speaker 4: he's ended up basically paying the minimum government child support amount.

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Speaker 4: He hit assets, so that any amount of settlement I

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Speaker 4: was entitled to I couldn't get. And this is where

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Speaker 4: our legal system is just and even my lawyer conceded

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Speaker 4: that she's like, yeah, it sucks because it's like we

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Speaker 4: could go after him, we could do like forensic accounting

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Speaker 4: and all that kind of stuff, but it's more time

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Speaker 4: and it's more money, and ultimately, if the money spent,

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Speaker 4: the money spent. So that's where I just think again,

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Speaker 4: I just I can't stress enough how much you just

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Speaker 4: need to have of your own money and your own

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Speaker 4: independence because you.

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Speaker 3: Just don't know who you married. You just don't know,

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Speaker 3: you don't and.

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Speaker 4: It's actually really scary. And that's been a really hard

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Speaker 4: part of this is unraveling how much of it was

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Speaker 4: me being willfully ignorant, how much of it was me

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Speaker 4: just not knowing how you know, Like, and I'll never

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Speaker 4: have the full answers to all of that, but that's

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Speaker 4: you know, we've just as women, we have to protect

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Speaker 4: ourselves because if it wasn't for my family behind me,

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Speaker 4: I would be an entirely different statistic. And so that's

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Speaker 4: incredibly scary, you know, like I will never let my

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Speaker 4: daughter have all joyed money with a partner, or my

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Speaker 4: son for that matter. Yeah, and I just say, yeah,

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Speaker 4: So the honest answer to that is, at this point,

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Speaker 4: I feel truly exhausted. I think probably last time I

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Speaker 4: spoke to you, I was still like really running on adrenaline.

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Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Speaker 3: You could tell in a good but also like self

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Speaker 3: preservation where you were like, I'm just going to get

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Speaker 3: shit done. I'm going through this and I'm growing through

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Speaker 3: this and I'm going to get it done. And like

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Speaker 3: how many any women have I heard the same story from.

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Speaker 3: There are agreements, and then there's squirreling money away, and

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Speaker 3: there's hiding assets and transferring it into other names, and

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Speaker 3: we're not talking. And I know that your situation there

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Speaker 3: was like more than enough finances to support both of you,

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Speaker 3: but I'm even seeing it in like lower income families,

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Speaker 3: like the emergency fund is being transferred to a mate

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Speaker 3: and saying, oh sorry, I spent it on a pool

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Speaker 3: table that never eventuated, Like it just all of this

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Speaker 3: stuff drives me up the absolute wall, because you're right,

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Speaker 3: our legal system can't do anything about it. And at

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Speaker 3: the end of the day, even if you owed you

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Speaker 3: that amount and then he went and spent it, and

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Speaker 3: I say, in ingest on a pool table, because that's

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Speaker 3: what I was last talking about with a client or

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Speaker 3: an ex client. He said, Oh, yeah, I spent six

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Speaker 3: grand on a pool table. No you didn't.

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Speaker 2: Oh I bought it off a mate, So I don't

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Speaker 2: have receipt. Of course you don't.

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Speaker 3: It's very convenient, isn't it, that the legal system doesn't

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Speaker 3: support anything like that.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, and I've had the same experience in that, like

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Speaker 4: the number of people who once they find out, you know,

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Speaker 4: my situation or what I'm going through, the number of

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Speaker 4: people who were like, ah, yeah, I had one of those.

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Speaker 4: Ah yeah, my ex did the same thing, or my friends,

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Speaker 4: And it's just it's a really, really.

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Speaker 2: Shitty club to be a part of. Yeah, it is.

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Speaker 4: But at the same time, you know, it does offer

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Speaker 4: you support and it offers me, especially some hope that

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Speaker 4: you know, obviously things do get better. We did. You know,

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Speaker 4: it took we had to go back to mediation again,

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Speaker 4: this time with lawyers present, so you know, the amount

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Speaker 4: of money that this has cost is just like ridiculous.

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Speaker 4: But we finally got things signed and I'll be divorced

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Speaker 4: by Christmas on Marry Christmas, baby marby Christmas. I was

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Speaker 4: hoping it'd be by my birthday, but that's like this weekend,

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Speaker 4: so it's not going to be quite then.

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Speaker 3: But then that's okay, that's all right, Like we're happy

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Speaker 3: to wait as long as it's by Christmas, and like

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Speaker 3: it will be the merriest of Christmases.

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Speaker 4: It will, it will. Yeah, we're hoping to have Christmas

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Speaker 4: with the family here at our new house this year.

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Speaker 3: And I just yeah, all right, let's go to a

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Speaker 3: really quick break, so guys don't go anywhere. All right,

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Speaker 3: money drives. We are back. So tell me a bit

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Speaker 3: more about these money goals. You set goal to buy

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Speaker 3: a house, goal to go on a holiday. How have

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Speaker 3: your money goals now twelve months down the track changed?

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Speaker 2: What are they?

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Speaker 4: Well? Given the significant change to what I've got coming

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Speaker 4: in from child support, it's made a big difference. And

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Speaker 4: that's again that's where I'm kind of trying to see

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Speaker 4: the positive in these situations. That I wouldn't have been

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Speaker 4: able to get the mortgaged for this house had it

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Speaker 4: been like what the current situation is with like my

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Speaker 4: income and then child support. But I did manage to

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Speaker 4: get this house, and like it means that yep, things

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Speaker 4: are a lot tighter. But we've got the house and

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Speaker 4: it's great, and you know, I'm very hopeful that for me,

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Speaker 4: my career will continue to grow. So for me at

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Speaker 4: the moment, and like I do qualify for some other

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Speaker 4: government assistance, which is good. It's not huge, but that's beneficial.

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Speaker 4: So at the moment, it's really just about keeping the

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Speaker 4: lights on. I'm you know, managing to get little bits

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Speaker 4: of money into my emergency fund each month. But a

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Speaker 4: lot of things are cropping up, like oh, your health insurance,

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Speaker 4: so your life insurance is due, or your car service

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Speaker 4: is nine hundred dollars or whatever. But I've got that there,

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Speaker 4: which is good.

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Speaker 3: That's iconic, honestly, the fact that you're still managing money.

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Speaker 3: When I see lots of people and we all deal

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Speaker 3: with things in our own ways, but they go, you know,

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Speaker 3: until this tumultuousness goes away. I'm just burying my head

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Speaker 3: in the sand and I'll deal with it later. Like

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Speaker 3: that's icon behavior.

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Speaker 4: I've done a bit of that. To be completely transparent,

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Speaker 4: I've done a bit of that because you know, I'm

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Speaker 4: also a neurospicy type.

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Speaker 2: We're just girls, you know, We're just like we can't

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Speaker 2: be everything.

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Speaker 4: We are everything all at once. That's the whole, that's

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Speaker 4: the ADHD, the balance, all the things, all at once

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Speaker 4: all the tabs open. Yeah, So my money goals for

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Speaker 4: now are I'm currently trying to say, because I would

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Speaker 4: like to take the kids on another holiday at some point,

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Speaker 4: probably in the next couple of years, and I think

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Speaker 4: my main goal at the moment is to just keep

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Speaker 4: plugging away at work and hopefully, you know, get a

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Speaker 4: promotion and a bit more money and then we can

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Speaker 4: start to kind of write the ship in terms of

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Speaker 4: putting more into my investing and stuff like that. I've

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Speaker 4: got about three and a half grand now in my shares.

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Speaker 4: Eas like I'm not contributing to that super often or

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Speaker 4: super large amounts, but that's okay, we'll get back.

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Speaker 3: No, I feel like we're on the right track, so

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Speaker 3: we're saving for another holiday. I want to be really

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Speaker 3: pervy because your kids are old enough, I think to

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Speaker 3: understand kind of what's happening. Maybe not on a super

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Speaker 3: pragmatic level where you know they're late teens and can

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Speaker 3: really understand, but I want to ask because I think

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Speaker 3: so many women are worried about this, how your relationship

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Speaker 3: with your children has changed over the last twelve months,

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Speaker 3: and you were really worried, like how my kid's going

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Speaker 3: to deal with this.

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Speaker 4: Yeah. Look, to be honest, you know, with the kids,

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Speaker 4: it's up and down. I think it's a form of grief,

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Speaker 4: and grief isn't linear, and you know, it's always changing

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Speaker 4: as well for them, you know, like their dad recently

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Speaker 4: moved house as well, and so that's another thing that

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Speaker 4: they have to get used to. So my relationship with them,

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Speaker 4: to be honest, I think has probably never been better.

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Speaker 4: I think, you know, we're so afraid and I remember,

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Speaker 4: you know, I was just so afraid that their lives

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Speaker 4: were going to be ruined and everything was going to

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Speaker 4: be broken. And it was one of my best friends

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Speaker 4: who was amazing and like I spoke to her like

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Speaker 4: every day in the midst of it all being happening whatever,

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Speaker 4: And she said to me after about two months, she's like,

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Speaker 4: you know what I haven't heard you say is that

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Speaker 4: your heart broken for you or that this was the

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Speaker 4: love of your life. Like all you've said is but

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Speaker 4: my family and the kids, and this isn't what it

349
00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:55,520
Speaker 4: was supposed to be. And that was a real eye

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Speaker 4: opener for me. And I think that was accurate. But

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Speaker 4: I think it has proven to me that you know,

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Speaker 4: the bond that you have with your kids. It doesn't

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Speaker 4: depend on whether you're in a nuclear family or not.

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Speaker 4: In fact, I think our bond is stronger than ever.

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Speaker 4: You know, they are with me most of the time,

356
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Speaker 4: and sometimes I say, like, oh god, I feel like

357
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Speaker 4: I'm just always being like cranky mom and not fun

358
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Speaker 4: mom because you know, I'm having to make the rules

359
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Speaker 4: and do all that kind of stuff. But at the

360
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Speaker 4: same time, you know, we have like handball tournaments in

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Speaker 4: our living room after dinner, and we have like you know,

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Speaker 4: dance offs, and we wrestle before bed each night because

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Speaker 4: that's just what my son needs to do to get

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Speaker 4: his energy out. And so I think, and it's actually

365
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Speaker 4: been really nice. I can make my own rules, like

366
00:17:38,119 --> 00:17:40,240
Speaker 4: I make them dinner, but then I just make myself

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Speaker 4: the most girl dinner of all time. And you know,

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Speaker 4: if I forget to do the walking for a week,

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Speaker 4: well I'm the only one who has to deal with that.

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Speaker 4: And I actually think it's brought us closer together. I

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Speaker 4: think one of the achievements I would say is like

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00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:58,920
Speaker 4: a non financial or a non quantifiable achievement. But I

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Speaker 4: really struggled in the beginning about the guilt that I

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Speaker 4: had because they go to their dads every second weekend.

375
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Speaker 4: I would have guilt about feeling a bit of relief

376
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Speaker 4: to have some time to decomprex.

377
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Speaker 3: Oh, don't feel guilty about that. No, that's your downtime.

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Speaker 1: I know.

379
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Speaker 4: But it was hard because I was like, I should

380
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:19,399
Speaker 4: want them all the time. I shouldn't be feeling this.

381
00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:22,520
Speaker 4: I shouldn't be feeling that. And I've really worked through

382
00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:26,320
Speaker 4: that and now I actually have given myself permission to

383
00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:28,560
Speaker 4: enjoy my time that I do have when I'm not

384
00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:30,480
Speaker 4: with them, because then I do come back a better

385
00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:32,359
Speaker 4: mum for them, and I can show up in a

386
00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:35,880
Speaker 4: much better, happier way. And you know, it's like, Okay,

387
00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:38,480
Speaker 4: well let's make hay while the sunshine. Let's find the

388
00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:41,280
Speaker 4: silver lining in the cloud. Like, you know, I've started

389
00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:44,280
Speaker 4: going to like festivals and like boat parties and stuff again.

390
00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:46,160
Speaker 4: I'm like, oh, life is fun.

391
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Speaker 2: Who are you? Yeah, life can be good.

392
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Speaker 4: I know, Like I hadn't done that kind of stuff

393
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Speaker 4: for like ten years, and so then to have the

394
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,120
Speaker 4: opportunity to do that kind of stuff again, it's like, oh,

395
00:18:56,520 --> 00:18:57,480
Speaker 4: this is super fun.

396
00:18:57,640 --> 00:19:00,440
Speaker 2: So so yeah, I think the kids are up and down.

397
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Speaker 4: My son, he's younger, he's always been much more emotional.

398
00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:07,639
Speaker 4: My daughter kind of masks a lot of her emotions.

399
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:11,240
Speaker 4: But yeah, it's up and down. And I often think

400
00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:13,159
Speaker 4: when they come back from their dad's place, you know,

401
00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:15,000
Speaker 4: because it's the whole thing about the mum being the

402
00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:18,879
Speaker 4: emotional safe place. When they come back, there's always some

403
00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:22,920
Speaker 4: kind of emotional release. And the difficulty with that is

404
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:26,640
Speaker 4: it looks different every time. Sometimes they just need heaps

405
00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:30,840
Speaker 4: of cuddle, Sometimes they're really angry, sometimes they're really emotional sometimes,

406
00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:33,560
Speaker 4: you know. And so it's about being able to read

407
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:35,800
Speaker 4: them when they get back and make sure that I've

408
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:37,840
Speaker 4: got everything I need done around the house and whatever,

409
00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:39,560
Speaker 4: so that I can just be fully present with them

410
00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:43,560
Speaker 4: and meet those needs. Because if it presented the same

411
00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:45,159
Speaker 4: way every time, you could prepare for it, but it

412
00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:46,840
Speaker 4: does it's always slightly different.

413
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Speaker 3: I'm really glad you have that level of understanding, because

414
00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:52,640
Speaker 3: I think a lot of women don't have that understanding

415
00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:56,360
Speaker 3: just of how kids' brains are wired. And I think

416
00:19:56,440 --> 00:19:59,320
Speaker 3: that that is a really good thing. I understand that

417
00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:01,280
Speaker 3: when my kids come home from their dads that is

418
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,879
Speaker 3: going to be some type of who knows what, emotional release.

419
00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:07,959
Speaker 3: But you can get yourself at peace before that that comes,

420
00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:10,239
Speaker 3: because if you don't see the way of coming, then

421
00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:12,840
Speaker 3: you're also overstimulated. And if you're telling me you have

422
00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:15,560
Speaker 3: ADHD just like me, that can tip you over the

423
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:17,480
Speaker 3: edge and ruin an entire week.

424
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Speaker 4: It just seems like you have so much insight, Yeah,

425
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:23,680
Speaker 4: and not taking it personally as well, you know, like

426
00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:26,880
Speaker 4: when they do like sometimes they lash out because again

427
00:20:27,040 --> 00:20:29,200
Speaker 4: like their kids, and sometimes the way that they lash

428
00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:32,760
Speaker 4: out can be hurtful if you don't have that kind

429
00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:37,000
Speaker 4: of mentality of I guess understanding it. And I think,

430
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:38,720
Speaker 4: you know, I think it's really hard for them because

431
00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:41,399
Speaker 4: you know their dad and I, I mean, we certainly

432
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:45,119
Speaker 4: don't hang out. We make an effort to always be like,

433
00:20:45,359 --> 00:20:47,399
Speaker 4: you know, polite in front of the kids. And I

434
00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:49,520
Speaker 4: will never I think I said this last time, but

435
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:52,119
Speaker 4: I will never speak badly about him in front of

436
00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:54,879
Speaker 4: my kids, because like it or not, they're half me

437
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:58,000
Speaker 4: and half him, So any criticism of him they are

438
00:20:58,040 --> 00:21:00,760
Speaker 4: going to take on as criticism of themselves and it

439
00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:02,080
Speaker 4: just doesn't benefit anyone.

440
00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:04,920
Speaker 3: But sometimes it's hard, or maybe it would be so

441
00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:07,280
Speaker 3: hard because you're like in the background, you're thinking your

442
00:21:07,359 --> 00:21:10,080
Speaker 3: dad is being a complete twit but I cannot vent.

443
00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:13,600
Speaker 3: And I think that that is honestly so strong of you,

444
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:16,480
Speaker 3: but also for the best, because as they grow and

445
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:19,639
Speaker 3: as they develop, kids are smart. They're going to be

446
00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:21,520
Speaker 3: able to breed between the lines. They're going to be

447
00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:23,000
Speaker 3: able to see those things. And you want to be

448
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:23,600
Speaker 3: that mum.

449
00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:26,160
Speaker 2: Where in retrospect kids look back and go far out.

450
00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:28,520
Speaker 3: My mum was so good. My mom was so supportive.

451
00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:32,000
Speaker 3: She never spoke ill of dad. And we can almost guarantee,

452
00:21:32,359 --> 00:21:35,680
Speaker 3: because we do know that you were married to a narcissist,

453
00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:38,239
Speaker 3: that that story on the flip side is not going

454
00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:40,800
Speaker 3: to be the same. Are you finding that to be

455
00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:43,560
Speaker 3: a really challenging part of going through.

456
00:21:43,440 --> 00:21:46,560
Speaker 4: This, to be completely honest, No, And I think part

457
00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:49,560
Speaker 4: of that is just because I have just so completely

458
00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:52,880
Speaker 4: taken on the belief that all I can control is myself.

459
00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:55,399
Speaker 4: All I can control is myself and the way that

460
00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:57,280
Speaker 4: I show up for my kids and the way that

461
00:21:57,480 --> 00:22:00,520
Speaker 4: I yeah, the way that I speak about them or

462
00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:03,840
Speaker 4: myself or their dad or anything like that. It's like

463
00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:06,280
Speaker 4: the let them theory, right, if he wants to say

464
00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:09,720
Speaker 4: bad things about me, let him let him, you know,

465
00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:12,800
Speaker 4: Like I can't control that. And also in the same

466
00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:16,080
Speaker 4: way that like, you know, the drunk guy stumbling out

467
00:22:16,119 --> 00:22:17,919
Speaker 4: of the bar, if he says something mean to me, well,

468
00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:20,679
Speaker 4: I don't respect his opinion. I don't respect my ex's opinion.

469
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:24,600
Speaker 4: So if he's got something to say to me, cool, whatever.

470
00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:27,600
Speaker 3: That's very nice. Thank you, sir for that opinion. I'm

471
00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:31,000
Speaker 3: going to put literally nowhere, so talk to me about

472
00:22:31,119 --> 00:22:33,880
Speaker 3: I remember you were completely blindsided, right, and I don't

473
00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:36,000
Speaker 3: think that you ever will have been the catalyst of

474
00:22:36,119 --> 00:22:40,080
Speaker 3: change here, even if you didn't feel entirely happy, just

475
00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:43,080
Speaker 3: from re listening to the episode and like understanding your

476
00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:43,880
Speaker 3: story enough.

477
00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:45,560
Speaker 2: Was this for the best?

478
00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:50,159
Speaker 3: Oh my god? Because like there are women in these

479
00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:52,760
Speaker 3: situations who, like, you know, maybe the husband hasn't pulled

480
00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:55,600
Speaker 3: the trigger, but like they go, no, this is as

481
00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:57,240
Speaker 3: good as it gets there.

482
00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:02,120
Speaker 4: I just I don't even have words to explain how

483
00:23:02,359 --> 00:23:04,600
Speaker 4: much it was for the best. Like even like my

484
00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:08,480
Speaker 4: family and my friends have been like we didn't realize

485
00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:11,359
Speaker 4: how much you had become a shell of yourself because

486
00:23:11,359 --> 00:23:13,320
Speaker 4: it happened slowly. Right, It's the same as being with

487
00:23:13,359 --> 00:23:15,560
Speaker 4: a narcissist. It's death by a thousand carps. It's not

488
00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:19,800
Speaker 4: one insult it's not one moment. It's a slowly chipping

489
00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:23,160
Speaker 4: away at you and your self esteem and your self worth.

490
00:23:23,840 --> 00:23:26,560
Speaker 4: And I had become And it was only after it

491
00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:29,880
Speaker 4: ended that people were like, oh my god, she's back,

492
00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:30,439
Speaker 4: and I.

493
00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:31,720
Speaker 2: Was like, oh my god, I'm back.

494
00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:35,080
Speaker 4: I didn't know I was gone, but hi, I Hey,

495
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:40,120
Speaker 4: I'm like a fully formed person with opinions and jokes.

496
00:23:40,760 --> 00:23:43,239
Speaker 4: So and now, I mean, like I said, I'm all

497
00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:47,200
Speaker 4: very woooed. I do my gratitude like meditation and stuff

498
00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:49,480
Speaker 4: like that, and I mean, it's just so wild to

499
00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:51,399
Speaker 4: think about, like a year and a half ago, how

500
00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:54,160
Speaker 4: desperately I wanted it all to go back together. Now

501
00:23:54,240 --> 00:23:57,320
Speaker 4: I'm like, i'd literally give gratitude to the universe for

502
00:23:57,440 --> 00:24:00,359
Speaker 4: removing me from that situation that I'd never have been

503
00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:03,119
Speaker 4: brave enough to leave myself, because I wouldn't, you know.

504
00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:07,280
Speaker 4: I think looking back, I probably knew deep down the

505
00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:12,000
Speaker 4: relationship itself wasn't great and wasn't what I needed or

506
00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:13,720
Speaker 4: what I wanted, But I was willing to stay in

507
00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:15,440
Speaker 4: that forever for the sake of my kids and the

508
00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:17,520
Speaker 4: sake of my family. I would never have walked away.

509
00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:20,000
Speaker 4: So in a weird way, I'm grateful that he did it.

510
00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:22,360
Speaker 4: I think the way he did it was pretty brutal,

511
00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:26,320
Speaker 4: but you know, it is what it is. And I

512
00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:29,560
Speaker 4: just as much as this has been so so so

513
00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:32,160
Speaker 4: hard and I'm still just coming out of the thick

514
00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:34,480
Speaker 4: of it, I think like, once I've finally got those

515
00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:38,679
Speaker 4: consent orders finalized and the divorce finalized and we can

516
00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:42,080
Speaker 4: start to move on, I feel like there'll be such

517
00:24:42,119 --> 00:24:45,520
Speaker 4: a weight off my shoulders and already, like life is,

518
00:24:46,480 --> 00:24:48,000
Speaker 4: it's just better.

519
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:50,920
Speaker 3: Your tone of voice has changed, Like your tone of voice,

520
00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:53,560
Speaker 3: the way obviously everyone can't see you, but the way

521
00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:56,359
Speaker 3: you're presenting, like you are smiling the whole way through this,

522
00:24:56,880 --> 00:24:58,680
Speaker 3: like there is a green on your face when you

523
00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:00,520
Speaker 3: talk about your woo woof stuff, like I'm a bit

524
00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:01,359
Speaker 3: woo weoy, and I'm.

525
00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:02,120
Speaker 2: Like, it's not woo woo.

526
00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:06,600
Speaker 3: I've been doing a lot of research recently on into gratitude, right,

527
00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:09,560
Speaker 3: and it is one of the only emotions that is

528
00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:12,080
Speaker 3: a learned emotion. It is not an emotion that we

529
00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:14,119
Speaker 3: are born with. We are not born grateful. We are

530
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:17,520
Speaker 3: not born with the ability to be grateful. We have

531
00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:19,560
Speaker 3: to learn that. And I think that once you start

532
00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:22,639
Speaker 3: learning that and really deeply understand that you're teaching yourself

533
00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:26,080
Speaker 3: an emotion and you start reflecting on it, like you

534
00:25:26,359 --> 00:25:30,159
Speaker 3: just become so happy about the little things, like you

535
00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:32,359
Speaker 3: know that we look at people and go, oh my god,

536
00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:34,320
Speaker 3: like how is she having such a good day? And

537
00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:36,560
Speaker 3: then you ask them and they go babes because the

538
00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:38,680
Speaker 3: sun's out, like what a good day? And you just go,

539
00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:41,560
Speaker 3: how do I be more like you? The answer is gratitude.

540
00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:44,240
Speaker 3: It is you know, doing all of the woo woo stuff.

541
00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:47,600
Speaker 3: It is journaling, It is writing things down and going, wow,

542
00:25:47,760 --> 00:25:51,639
Speaker 3: I'm teaching myself a whole lass new emotion and coming

543
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:54,840
Speaker 3: to that conclusion and realizing, wow, nobody is born with

544
00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:57,760
Speaker 3: this because people are born needing. People are born needing

545
00:25:57,920 --> 00:26:00,359
Speaker 3: to be looked after and wanting to be looked d after.

546
00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:03,880
Speaker 3: And it's not until you actually start to be grateful.

547
00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:07,560
Speaker 3: And that is it's in exclusively human emotion, right, Like

548
00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:11,200
Speaker 3: animals aren't grateful, like they don't care, Like your dog

549
00:26:11,359 --> 00:26:13,560
Speaker 3: might look grateful, but I promise you they're there for

550
00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:16,360
Speaker 3: the treat. But being able to teach yourself that over

551
00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:19,879
Speaker 3: the last twelve months would have been life changing. But

552
00:26:20,119 --> 00:26:22,680
Speaker 3: like your entire mindset has shifted, and I can just

553
00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:24,639
Speaker 3: see it on your face. I can see the glow,

554
00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:26,480
Speaker 3: and I'm just so excited for you.

555
00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:28,960
Speaker 4: It's the choosing right You've got to Like you said,

556
00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:31,680
Speaker 4: it is the only emotion that you have to learn,

557
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:34,480
Speaker 4: but you have to choose to learn it. And definitely

558
00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:37,440
Speaker 4: in the beginning, you have to make that active choice

559
00:26:37,520 --> 00:26:40,040
Speaker 4: every day and it's one of those things that gets easier.

560
00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:41,960
Speaker 4: But yeah, it's like it's like a muscle. You have

561
00:26:42,119 --> 00:26:43,760
Speaker 4: to keep doing it and that you know, There've been

562
00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:49,920
Speaker 4: periods where I have gotten lazy with it or whatever,

563
00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:52,600
Speaker 4: and I just noticed such a difference, and like it's

564
00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:55,360
Speaker 4: just such a it's such an interesting concept, and I'm

565
00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:59,320
Speaker 4: just I'm so fascinated by, like the neuroplasticity of the

566
00:26:59,359 --> 00:27:02,600
Speaker 4: brain and the ability that we have to change things. Think,

567
00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:06,120
Speaker 4: our brains are not made of concrete. They're so malleable

568
00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:08,920
Speaker 4: and we can just make these choices every day as

569
00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:11,600
Speaker 4: to how we see things and what we're grateful for. It's,

570
00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:13,600
Speaker 4: you know, the same thing you tell I tell my kids, like,

571
00:27:14,240 --> 00:27:16,360
Speaker 4: whether you think you can or you can't, you're probably right.

572
00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:19,720
Speaker 4: So let's just tell ourselves.

573
00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:19,760
Speaker 2: That we can.

574
00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:22,359
Speaker 3: My mom used to tell me that I should listen

575
00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:25,720
Speaker 3: more often. Tell me a bit more about your money

576
00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:27,920
Speaker 3: habits and how they might have changed in the last

577
00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:30,760
Speaker 3: twelve months. Like with all of this, like I guess

578
00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:34,320
Speaker 3: reintroduction of gratitude and trying to really work on yourself

579
00:27:34,359 --> 00:27:36,440
Speaker 3: and your mindset and going through everything that you're going through,

580
00:27:37,040 --> 00:27:40,640
Speaker 3: has the way you have been spending and allocating money changed.

581
00:27:40,960 --> 00:27:44,160
Speaker 4: Yeah, definitely, And partly out of the gratitude and partly

582
00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:48,440
Speaker 4: just out of necessity. I'm much more mindful now than

583
00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:51,680
Speaker 4: you know, because there's no one else's income coming in

584
00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:55,600
Speaker 4: that's going to like create a buffer or whatever. So yeah,

585
00:27:55,640 --> 00:27:57,879
Speaker 4: I'm much more mindful. And I mean I did have

586
00:27:57,960 --> 00:27:59,760
Speaker 4: a bit of a period where things were all just

587
00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:02,600
Speaker 4: so in the air that I did get kind of

588
00:28:02,920 --> 00:28:06,040
Speaker 4: lazy in terms of my money behaviors and things like that.

589
00:28:07,040 --> 00:28:10,240
Speaker 4: And it was funny, like I found myself starting to

590
00:28:10,320 --> 00:28:13,560
Speaker 4: repeat some old patterns of like, oh, okay, so I'll

591
00:28:13,600 --> 00:28:15,920
Speaker 4: go and do some online shopping, like buying this new

592
00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:18,200
Speaker 4: dress or buying this new shirt. We'll fix this and like,

593
00:28:19,119 --> 00:28:21,199
Speaker 4: you know, newsflash.

594
00:28:20,720 --> 00:28:21,119
Speaker 1: It doesn't.

595
00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:23,840
Speaker 4: That's never the thing in fact, that makes you feel worse.

596
00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:28,640
Speaker 4: So yeah, and I think for me, it's about recognizing

597
00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:31,320
Speaker 4: those patterns of behavior and being like, no, you don't.

598
00:28:31,880 --> 00:28:34,240
Speaker 4: That's not going to fix it, you know, Like you say,

599
00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:36,399
Speaker 4: like you should put like twenty four hours between a purchase.

600
00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:39,920
Speaker 4: So it's about doing that. But then it's also about yeah,

601
00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:42,920
Speaker 4: like recognizing those patterns of behaviors and finding other things

602
00:28:43,080 --> 00:28:46,400
Speaker 4: to insert their instead. So you know, instead of doing that,

603
00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:50,520
Speaker 4: I'm gonna like paint my nails a different color. Maybe

604
00:28:50,560 --> 00:28:52,960
Speaker 4: that'll give me the boost that I feel like I need,

605
00:28:53,920 --> 00:28:55,440
Speaker 4: you know, like, and obviously you know, I do my

606
00:28:55,560 --> 00:28:57,280
Speaker 4: nails at home because who the hell can afford to

607
00:28:57,320 --> 00:28:58,720
Speaker 4: go out and pay for that these days.

608
00:28:58,880 --> 00:29:00,800
Speaker 2: I was talking to the oh that did a blood

609
00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:02,880
Speaker 2: test for me about that today. She's like, your nails

610
00:29:02,920 --> 00:29:03,720
Speaker 2: look lovely. Where do you go?

611
00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:05,880
Speaker 3: And I was like, god, friends, I am not going anywhere.

612
00:29:05,960 --> 00:29:07,800
Speaker 3: I'm not like please, don't get me wrong. If you're

613
00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:10,280
Speaker 3: a nail tech, you are worth the money, but I

614
00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:13,320
Speaker 3: cannot justify spending it on my fingers right now.

615
00:29:13,560 --> 00:29:15,320
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's me. And so I think one of the

616
00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:18,280
Speaker 4: things that's been more difficult with the money habits is

617
00:29:19,560 --> 00:29:24,080
Speaker 4: trying to not like, not actively and not in a

618
00:29:24,160 --> 00:29:27,000
Speaker 4: way that's going to upset them. But educating the kids

619
00:29:27,040 --> 00:29:29,600
Speaker 4: a bit more about money, because when it was two

620
00:29:29,680 --> 00:29:31,800
Speaker 4: of us, and my husband earned a lot of money

621
00:29:32,080 --> 00:29:35,920
Speaker 4: and I was earning as well, we didn't really have

622
00:29:36,080 --> 00:29:40,120
Speaker 4: any like real barriers, and so if we said no

623
00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:42,400
Speaker 4: to the kids, it was because we made a choice

624
00:29:42,400 --> 00:29:43,960
Speaker 4: to say no. It wasn't that we couldn't afford it,

625
00:29:44,480 --> 00:29:46,960
Speaker 4: Whereas now there are times where it's like, no, I

626
00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:48,960
Speaker 4: can't afford that. But I try to be really mindful

627
00:29:48,960 --> 00:29:50,880
Speaker 4: and how I communicate that with the kids of like, oh,

628
00:29:50,920 --> 00:29:53,600
Speaker 4: we haven't put money aside in the budget for this

629
00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:56,120
Speaker 4: week or this month for that, so we're going to

630
00:29:56,200 --> 00:29:58,360
Speaker 4: have to think about how we do that and where

631
00:29:58,440 --> 00:30:01,080
Speaker 4: we might get that money from. And I think that's

632
00:30:01,160 --> 00:30:03,160
Speaker 4: for me is more of it is like because I

633
00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:05,680
Speaker 4: was married so young and in that relationship, there wasn't

634
00:30:05,720 --> 00:30:08,720
Speaker 4: that like, oh my god, we literally can't afford things

635
00:30:08,840 --> 00:30:11,440
Speaker 4: very often, which I know is like crazy privilege one

636
00:30:11,520 --> 00:30:14,840
Speaker 4: hundred percent. I acknowledge that, but now it's like, oh, no,

637
00:30:15,160 --> 00:30:17,440
Speaker 4: like we have to be really mindful about where our

638
00:30:17,480 --> 00:30:19,600
Speaker 4: money is going and things like that, and trying to

639
00:30:19,720 --> 00:30:21,880
Speaker 4: educate the kids about that, like no, you can't just

640
00:30:21,960 --> 00:30:23,560
Speaker 4: have that thing that you want that's going to be

641
00:30:23,600 --> 00:30:25,760
Speaker 4: a birthday thing or a Christmas thing, that's not just

642
00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:28,560
Speaker 4: we just get that because we get that, and I hope,

643
00:30:28,840 --> 00:30:32,400
Speaker 4: you know, that will make them grateful. Like even this morning,

644
00:30:32,480 --> 00:30:35,560
Speaker 4: they have like a fundraiser on at school. They needed

645
00:30:35,560 --> 00:30:36,320
Speaker 4: a two dollar coin.

646
00:30:36,480 --> 00:30:39,680
Speaker 2: No one has coins, I know, I know exactly.

647
00:30:39,920 --> 00:30:40,960
Speaker 4: So I was like, well, I have to go past

648
00:30:40,960 --> 00:30:43,040
Speaker 4: the servo because I'll have to get some change from

649
00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:43,719
Speaker 4: a note that I had.

650
00:30:44,280 --> 00:30:45,720
Speaker 2: And then they were like, oh, well, we can just

651
00:30:45,920 --> 00:30:46,480
Speaker 2: use our own No.

652
00:30:46,560 --> 00:30:49,600
Speaker 4: They whispered to each other what's going on where it's

653
00:30:49,640 --> 00:30:51,480
Speaker 4: going to use our own money? And I was like, no, guys,

654
00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:55,080
Speaker 4: that's fine, it's fine. And so it's like, I hope

655
00:30:55,160 --> 00:30:58,920
Speaker 4: I'm not creating this fear for them around money of like,

656
00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:01,640
Speaker 4: you know, Mum can't afford things and so therefore we've

657
00:31:01,680 --> 00:31:04,240
Speaker 4: got to pay for that. But yeah, I don't know

658
00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:06,360
Speaker 4: the right way to do it. I'm trying just not

659
00:31:06,480 --> 00:31:08,760
Speaker 4: to make it stressful, but trying to make them understand

660
00:31:08,800 --> 00:31:14,480
Speaker 4: that money is not infinite and we have to plan

661
00:31:14,760 --> 00:31:15,680
Speaker 4: and budget.

662
00:31:15,560 --> 00:31:15,720
Speaker 5: You know.

663
00:31:16,040 --> 00:31:18,120
Speaker 3: Yeah, And I think that you're approaching it in exactly

664
00:31:18,200 --> 00:31:21,200
Speaker 3: the right way, Like whenever I've had these conversations with

665
00:31:21,320 --> 00:31:25,800
Speaker 3: other women going through these circumstances, I do say, try

666
00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:28,320
Speaker 3: as much as you can to avoid language like we

667
00:31:28,440 --> 00:31:31,960
Speaker 3: can't afford it. Not because that's a bad thing, because

668
00:31:31,960 --> 00:31:35,080
Speaker 3: in certain circumstances we can't afford things, but more often

669
00:31:35,120 --> 00:31:37,880
Speaker 3: than not, when you're communicating with children, we're not talking

670
00:31:37,920 --> 00:31:40,240
Speaker 3: about not being able to afford the gas or electricity

671
00:31:40,320 --> 00:31:44,360
Speaker 3: this month. We're talking about wants versus needs, And usually

672
00:31:44,440 --> 00:31:46,440
Speaker 3: it's a want, And at that point we can go

673
00:31:46,560 --> 00:31:48,959
Speaker 3: back to, oh, honey, we don't have that in the budget,

674
00:31:49,040 --> 00:31:51,360
Speaker 3: or that's actually not on the grocery list this week,

675
00:31:51,680 --> 00:31:54,360
Speaker 3: like let's try and add it next week, or let's

676
00:31:54,480 --> 00:31:57,680
Speaker 3: talk about where we can pull that cash from. Because

677
00:31:57,920 --> 00:32:01,200
Speaker 3: they're crafting their own little money story as time goes

678
00:32:01,240 --> 00:32:03,760
Speaker 3: on and learning that oh my god, like you know,

679
00:32:04,360 --> 00:32:06,280
Speaker 3: it could be a really good thing for them to

680
00:32:06,360 --> 00:32:09,440
Speaker 3: be able to contribute to the fundraiser themselves and be like, wow,

681
00:32:09,480 --> 00:32:12,480
Speaker 3: that actually really helps mum out, not because of the finance,

682
00:32:12,560 --> 00:32:15,200
Speaker 3: but because it's a whole other task to go to

683
00:32:15,280 --> 00:32:18,200
Speaker 3: the servo and if you've got two dollars there, that's great,

684
00:32:18,760 --> 00:32:21,080
Speaker 3: we can do that and that's you know, really really

685
00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:24,000
Speaker 3: generous of you. You're a very generous person. And I

686
00:32:24,080 --> 00:32:26,160
Speaker 3: think that it's those stories that you share and the

687
00:32:26,280 --> 00:32:29,240
Speaker 3: narrative around that because a lot of the time now

688
00:32:29,840 --> 00:32:31,920
Speaker 3: reflecting on the career that I've had and the beautiful

689
00:32:31,920 --> 00:32:35,840
Speaker 3: people that I've got to experience throughout that career, it's

690
00:32:35,920 --> 00:32:38,880
Speaker 3: not how much money they had. It never was. It

691
00:32:39,040 --> 00:32:41,320
Speaker 3: was how they were approaching that amount of money. And

692
00:32:41,400 --> 00:32:45,600
Speaker 3: some of the most financially literate people I know grew

693
00:32:45,720 --> 00:32:48,920
Speaker 3: up next to poverty because like overlaid over all of that.

694
00:32:49,480 --> 00:32:50,960
Speaker 3: When your mum you just want your kids to have

695
00:32:51,080 --> 00:32:53,880
Speaker 3: everything too, How does that play into it for you?

696
00:32:53,960 --> 00:32:56,120
Speaker 3: Because like I want to give you all this stuff.

697
00:32:56,040 --> 00:32:58,320
Speaker 4: And I think money for this generation is such an

698
00:32:58,360 --> 00:33:01,960
Speaker 4: obscure concept. They don't see much money, so they don't

699
00:33:02,120 --> 00:33:06,680
Speaker 4: really understand the value of things. And I think that's

700
00:33:06,760 --> 00:33:09,400
Speaker 4: a really difficult one as well. Like sometimes you know,

701
00:33:09,520 --> 00:33:11,320
Speaker 4: like if I'll say like saying, oh, you know, it's

702
00:33:11,320 --> 00:33:12,560
Speaker 4: not in the budget this month, you know, have to

703
00:33:12,600 --> 00:33:15,040
Speaker 4: figure that. And sometimes you know, my kids are say, Mum,

704
00:33:15,080 --> 00:33:17,880
Speaker 4: how much money do you have? And I'm like that's

705
00:33:17,920 --> 00:33:20,640
Speaker 4: a tricky question, Like you know, how do you answer

706
00:33:20,720 --> 00:33:22,760
Speaker 4: that to a six year old and a nine year old,

707
00:33:22,800 --> 00:33:26,600
Speaker 4: because yeah, if you told them how much money I have,

708
00:33:27,440 --> 00:33:29,720
Speaker 4: that might sound like I have a lot to them

709
00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:32,120
Speaker 4: because they're little kids. But then if you also told

710
00:33:32,120 --> 00:33:34,840
Speaker 4: them how much debt I'm in with the mortgage, that

711
00:33:34,960 --> 00:33:36,480
Speaker 4: might be tear like. So you I just don't want

712
00:33:36,480 --> 00:33:39,239
Speaker 4: to make them afraid that like I don't have enough.

713
00:33:39,280 --> 00:33:40,880
Speaker 4: But then you also don't like because you know, then

714
00:33:40,960 --> 00:33:42,680
Speaker 4: kids go to school and people come home and go,

715
00:33:43,200 --> 00:33:46,680
Speaker 4: my friend's dad's house costs two million dollars.

716
00:33:46,520 --> 00:33:50,240
Speaker 3: And you're like, okay, oh my god. Yeah, and you're like, well,

717
00:33:50,320 --> 00:33:53,480
Speaker 3: your friend's dad's in six million dollars worth of debt

718
00:33:53,520 --> 00:33:59,400
Speaker 3: and is kind of a drop kick. So yeah, kids

719
00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:01,320
Speaker 3: don't get it, and I think that that's where, you know,

720
00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:04,400
Speaker 3: obviously not trying to give advice, but just like, clarifying

721
00:34:04,480 --> 00:34:07,760
Speaker 3: questions are really helpful in those circumstances because like, often

722
00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:10,600
Speaker 3: kids come with questions and we as adults put this

723
00:34:10,800 --> 00:34:13,160
Speaker 3: overlay of what we think they mean onto.

724
00:34:12,920 --> 00:34:14,719
Speaker 2: That how much money do you have, mum?

725
00:34:15,160 --> 00:34:17,640
Speaker 3: And you might go, oh my god, what an overwhelming question.

726
00:34:17,760 --> 00:34:19,960
Speaker 3: I now have to divulge my one hundred plus thousand

727
00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:22,960
Speaker 3: dollars a year salary if you just said for what

728
00:34:23,160 --> 00:34:26,360
Speaker 3: they go for food? Like and you go, ah, you

729
00:34:26,480 --> 00:34:28,360
Speaker 3: want to just talk about the grocery budget? Like do

730
00:34:28,400 --> 00:34:28,960
Speaker 3: you know what I mean?

731
00:34:29,080 --> 00:34:31,279
Speaker 4: Like it's so true. It's like my daughter the other

732
00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:33,839
Speaker 4: day because they're doing some stuff at school, I think,

733
00:34:33,920 --> 00:34:36,000
Speaker 4: do they still watch like behind the news at school?

734
00:34:36,200 --> 00:34:36,359
Speaker 5: Oh?

735
00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:37,360
Speaker 3: Triggered?

736
00:34:37,600 --> 00:34:39,640
Speaker 4: And so my daughter has been asking me about Trump

737
00:34:39,800 --> 00:34:42,320
Speaker 4: and like whether Trump is going to impact Australia And

738
00:34:42,400 --> 00:34:45,319
Speaker 4: I was like, well, anyway, and then I went into

739
00:34:45,400 --> 00:34:47,520
Speaker 4: like a whole big, like ten minute ten talk about

740
00:34:47,719 --> 00:34:51,360
Speaker 4: how how Trump may or may not impact Australian economy

741
00:34:51,400 --> 00:34:53,680
Speaker 4: and we're okay because we've got other trade partners and

742
00:34:53,760 --> 00:34:56,600
Speaker 4: we have free trade agreements now them. She was just like, Mama,

743
00:34:56,600 --> 00:34:57,960
Speaker 4: I don't understand what you're talking about.

744
00:34:58,000 --> 00:34:59,000
Speaker 2: And I was like, yep, yeah.

745
00:34:59,000 --> 00:35:00,759
Speaker 3: And if you've been like what do you mean, like

746
00:35:00,840 --> 00:35:03,960
Speaker 3: what do you think Trump, you know, is going to impact?

747
00:35:04,040 --> 00:35:08,280
Speaker 3: And she might go food like they could be so basic.

748
00:35:09,600 --> 00:35:12,840
Speaker 4: Children and my labrador the same food food food.

749
00:35:12,840 --> 00:35:16,719
Speaker 3: Yeah, one hundred percent. So tell me what's next? Like

750
00:35:16,800 --> 00:35:18,800
Speaker 3: I know I'm running out of time with you very quickly.

751
00:35:19,440 --> 00:35:19,960
Speaker 3: What's next?

752
00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:20,120
Speaker 4: To you.

753
00:35:20,200 --> 00:35:23,239
Speaker 3: I know you mentioned obviously another holiday, you would love

754
00:35:23,280 --> 00:35:25,440
Speaker 3: to get a promotion and move up career wise, but

755
00:35:25,520 --> 00:35:28,080
Speaker 3: are there any other goals that you're currently working towards.

756
00:35:28,400 --> 00:35:31,040
Speaker 4: No. Right now, I'm just wanting to sit in my

757
00:35:31,160 --> 00:35:34,839
Speaker 4: gratitude for what I have achieved. I'm actually really really

758
00:35:34,960 --> 00:35:36,880
Speaker 4: looking forward to a day that I hope is in

759
00:35:36,920 --> 00:35:39,600
Speaker 4: the near future where someone says to me, what's near, babe,

760
00:35:39,760 --> 00:35:44,720
Speaker 4: and I go nothing, Everything's just ticking along. Everything's just happy,

761
00:35:45,239 --> 00:35:48,719
Speaker 4: and I'm just living life and just happy. So to

762
00:35:48,840 --> 00:35:52,440
Speaker 4: be honest, like, besides trying to save and take the

763
00:35:52,520 --> 00:35:55,279
Speaker 4: kids on some holidays, like, I just really feel like

764
00:35:55,360 --> 00:35:58,520
Speaker 4: I've achieved so much of what I wanted to achieve

765
00:35:58,640 --> 00:36:02,560
Speaker 4: with getting this like home for them. Yeah, to be honest,

766
00:36:02,960 --> 00:36:05,360
Speaker 4: I mean I want to get back into like investing

767
00:36:05,360 --> 00:36:07,920
Speaker 4: a bit more and stuff like that. I think, you know,

768
00:36:08,120 --> 00:36:11,120
Speaker 4: knowing that obviously I've got the super split that I

769
00:36:11,200 --> 00:36:13,560
Speaker 4: will be getting is great, like and that's a really

770
00:36:13,600 --> 00:36:16,640
Speaker 4: good peace of mind thing for me, but obviously that

771
00:36:16,719 --> 00:36:19,960
Speaker 4: doesn't help things day to day. Like now, that's great

772
00:36:20,080 --> 00:36:23,040
Speaker 4: for future me to know about. But yeah, to be honest,

773
00:36:23,120 --> 00:36:25,120
Speaker 4: for right now, I would just like a period of

774
00:36:25,719 --> 00:36:29,480
Speaker 4: no big, huge life changes or life goals.

775
00:36:30,040 --> 00:36:32,560
Speaker 3: You know what, I think that's perfect. Sometimes we just

776
00:36:32,680 --> 00:36:36,680
Speaker 3: want monotony, Like I just want tomorrow to be really predictable,

777
00:36:36,920 --> 00:36:39,840
Speaker 3: And I think that's a really great place, Money Dirist,

778
00:36:39,920 --> 00:36:41,880
Speaker 3: it has been a pleasure catching up with you and

779
00:36:42,000 --> 00:36:44,680
Speaker 3: I just we still haven't gotten to cross paths in person,

780
00:36:44,760 --> 00:36:46,239
Speaker 3: but I just know that we're going to get along

781
00:36:46,400 --> 00:36:48,560
Speaker 3: so well when we do.

782
00:36:48,920 --> 00:36:50,240
Speaker 2: But it's been a pleasure.

783
00:36:50,320 --> 00:36:51,560
Speaker 4: We need some spicy margs.

784
00:36:51,600 --> 00:36:54,200
Speaker 3: I think, oh, we need so many spicy marugs and

785
00:36:54,600 --> 00:36:56,560
Speaker 3: like then we can talk about all the juicy stuff

786
00:36:56,600 --> 00:36:58,200
Speaker 3: that we might not want to put on a podcast,

787
00:36:58,640 --> 00:37:01,719
Speaker 3: But Money Dirist, it's it's been an absolute pleasure. And

788
00:37:01,800 --> 00:37:04,680
Speaker 3: I'm sure hopefully we can check in in another twelve

789
00:37:04,719 --> 00:37:06,440
Speaker 3: months and be like, how's this gone.

790
00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:09,640
Speaker 2: What's the update you're officially divorced, Like, let's have a party.

791
00:37:10,080 --> 00:37:13,880
Speaker 3: Because content like this while juicy, so spicy, right, like

792
00:37:14,120 --> 00:37:17,000
Speaker 3: so fun sometimes to be a listener. It is a

793
00:37:17,160 --> 00:37:21,120
Speaker 3: beautiful story of coming through things that we didn't think

794
00:37:21,160 --> 00:37:24,000
Speaker 3: we could ever anticipate. It is a story of you know,

795
00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:28,440
Speaker 3: rebuilding after literally being smacked completely down and blindsided. And

796
00:37:28,560 --> 00:37:32,080
Speaker 3: I just I hope that through this content that we

797
00:37:32,200 --> 00:37:34,439
Speaker 3: put out in these conversations that we have in jest

798
00:37:34,520 --> 00:37:37,640
Speaker 3: about kids wanting food, you realize that you two could

799
00:37:37,640 --> 00:37:39,879
Speaker 3: do that if you're put in that situation, and you too,

800
00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:42,200
Speaker 3: can rebuild your life and it be even better. And

801
00:37:42,360 --> 00:37:45,799
Speaker 3: you're thanking the universe twelve months ago for going through

802
00:37:45,880 --> 00:37:48,640
Speaker 3: what arguably was something you did not ever, ever, ever

803
00:37:48,760 --> 00:37:51,440
Speaker 3: want to happen. So I just thank you for sharing

804
00:37:51,480 --> 00:37:53,440
Speaker 3: your journey with the community, because I just know that

805
00:37:53,560 --> 00:37:55,400
Speaker 3: there are going to be some of our community members

806
00:37:55,440 --> 00:37:58,319
Speaker 3: listening to this, being like I needed that so much

807
00:37:58,360 --> 00:37:59,279
Speaker 3: more than I thought I did.

808
00:38:01,480 --> 00:38:04,879
Speaker 4: Yes, well, yeah, it definitely you can do it all.

809
00:38:05,080 --> 00:38:09,120
Speaker 4: You're stronger than you ever ever ever know, but also

810
00:38:10,080 --> 00:38:11,040
Speaker 4: have your own damn money.

811
00:38:12,160 --> 00:38:13,279
Speaker 2: Great place to leave it.

812
00:38:19,760 --> 00:38:22,280
Speaker 5: The advice shared on She's on the Money is general

813
00:38:22,360 --> 00:38:26,200
Speaker 5: in nature and does not consider your individual circumstances. She's

814
00:38:26,239 --> 00:38:29,640
Speaker 5: on the Money exists purely for educational purposes and should

815
00:38:29,719 --> 00:38:32,880
Speaker 5: not be relied upon to make an investment or financial decision.

816
00:38:33,280 --> 00:38:35,719
Speaker 5: If you do choose to buy a financial product, read

817
00:38:35,760 --> 00:38:39,880
Speaker 5: the PDS TMD and obtain appropriate financial advice tailored towards

818
00:38:39,920 --> 00:38:43,200
Speaker 5: your needs. Victoria Divine and she's on the money. Are

819
00:38:43,280 --> 00:38:48,239
Speaker 5: authorized representatives of money sheper pty Ltd ABN three two

820
00:38:48,320 --> 00:38:51,279
Speaker 5: one is six four nine two seven seven zero eight

821
00:38:51,640 --> 00:38:54,160
Speaker 5: AFSL four five one two eight nine