WEBVTT - John Aiken's top tips for a fulfilling relationship ❤ 0:00:03.840 --> 0:00:07.760 Today's episode is going to be different. I think it's 0:00:07.800 --> 0:00:12.760 something that every single one of you will benefit from, 0:00:13.240 --> 0:00:17.120 and it's also from someone that many of you will know. 0:00:17.280 --> 0:00:22.920 We are getting on one of Australia's best relationship experts. 0:00:23.560 --> 0:00:27.120 You recognize his voice straight away from Australia's most popular 0:00:27.160 --> 0:00:31.120 TV show Maps. It's none other than John Aiken. He 0:00:31.240 --> 0:00:36.400 really is a brilliant mind, a beautiful, caring person. But 0:00:36.440 --> 0:00:40.120 he's also direct, you know, he tells you what you 0:00:40.200 --> 0:00:43.640 need to hear. And I'm a huge believer that, you know, 0:00:43.760 --> 0:00:46.440 wrapping things up in cottonwall, or wrapping people up in cottonwall, 0:00:46.479 --> 0:00:50.120 or not telling people the important truth doesn't necessarily help 0:00:50.159 --> 0:00:52.160 them in the long run. So we're going to rattle 0:00:52.240 --> 0:00:53.960 things a little bit today. We're going to shake things 0:00:54.000 --> 0:00:57.560 up a bit. You're going to hear some really important, 0:00:58.080 --> 0:01:01.000 hard truths about how you can get into a relationship 0:01:01.080 --> 0:01:03.800 or improve the relationship that you're in. I can't wait 0:01:03.840 --> 0:01:05.160 to get in that with John. And then we're going 0:01:05.240 --> 0:01:07.520 to also talk about something and I get asked about 0:01:07.600 --> 0:01:08.399 all the time. 0:01:08.680 --> 0:01:11.720 I'm pretty much at my goal weight and my food 0:01:11.920 --> 0:01:16.160 and my training is consistent, but I just can't seem 0:01:16.200 --> 0:01:19.440 to get the muscle tone and definition, particularly in my 0:01:19.560 --> 0:01:23.600 stomach that I'm after. So just wondering your thoughts and 0:01:23.640 --> 0:01:26.039 advice on this and what I need to do to 0:01:26.120 --> 0:01:27.400 sort of get across the line. 0:01:27.840 --> 0:01:31.039 This is the woodlfe on Sam Wood. It's a ripping episode. 0:01:31.240 --> 0:01:55.440 Let's get into it. 0:01:55.560 --> 0:01:57.040 John Aken, Welcome to the Woodline. 0:01:57.600 --> 0:02:00.280 It is a pleasure, Sam. I've been looking forward to this. 0:02:00.400 --> 0:02:01.960 I have too, Mate, I have to so you may 0:02:02.040 --> 0:02:06.560 recognize that voice. It is the straight shooting, very direct, 0:02:06.880 --> 0:02:12.239 highly highly insightful man from Maths married at first sight. 0:02:12.560 --> 0:02:14.960 I'm not a Maths diehard, I have to. I have 0:02:15.000 --> 0:02:17.240 to tell that I have seen bits and pieces from 0:02:17.240 --> 0:02:18.919 certain seasons. But you have to be living under a 0:02:19.000 --> 0:02:20.680 rock in this country to not know what's going on 0:02:20.720 --> 0:02:23.120 with Maths when it's when it's in full swing, because 0:02:23.120 --> 0:02:26.040 it really is such a such a huge TV show. 0:02:26.280 --> 0:02:28.959 And I mean, I want to talk to you today 0:02:29.000 --> 0:02:31.680 about relationships, and I want to talk today about a 0:02:31.720 --> 0:02:35.240 few questions that I get regarding relationships and how it 0:02:35.240 --> 0:02:38.120 impacts people's health. But before we do that, from a 0:02:38.160 --> 0:02:42.840 fitness perspective, I often hear that it's it's almost always 0:02:42.840 --> 0:02:48.119 from women, who have an unsupportive husband or partner, and 0:02:49.240 --> 0:02:56.120 they they really struggle, particularly for sustainable change when they're 0:02:56.160 --> 0:02:59.239 on this kind of transformation journey or get more health 0:02:59.360 --> 0:03:06.720 on contract journey, because they feel that they are completely unsupported. 0:03:07.040 --> 0:03:11.560 You know jokes, you eat the rabbit food in inverted commas. 0:03:11.600 --> 0:03:14.640 I'll have a real meal, you know. Oh, if you 0:03:14.720 --> 0:03:17.959 go again for your stupid workout, you know, just always 0:03:18.080 --> 0:03:22.240 always talking it down. Another one of these exercise things 0:03:22.280 --> 0:03:24.280 that will last five minutes. You know, you'll be back 0:03:24.320 --> 0:03:26.400 on the couching, the tim tamsy me before we know it. 0:03:26.400 --> 0:03:31.040 All this kind of crap that they undermining. Yeah, and 0:03:31.200 --> 0:03:34.440 it really hurts them. I sort of know what the 0:03:34.440 --> 0:03:38.360 advice probably needs to be to the husband, But what 0:03:38.560 --> 0:03:42.600 is your advice to the the person who's not receiving 0:03:42.600 --> 0:03:43.720 that supportive advice. 0:03:44.000 --> 0:03:45.880 Well, the bottom line is they're going to get to 0:03:45.960 --> 0:03:49.920 that goal much faster if they're working as a team 0:03:50.280 --> 0:03:52.400 than if they're working on their own and being undermined 0:03:52.400 --> 0:03:57.040 by their partner. So they do need if they can 0:03:57.120 --> 0:03:59.000 to get their partner on board. Now, the way that 0:03:59.080 --> 0:04:03.880 they do it is by creating empathy. People don't change 0:04:04.800 --> 0:04:08.560 if you just say, hey, do it different, but they'll 0:04:08.560 --> 0:04:12.200 start to change if you say, you know what, when 0:04:12.320 --> 0:04:14.840 you have a go at me like that, when you 0:04:14.880 --> 0:04:17.800 call me fad or when you say you know, why 0:04:17.839 --> 0:04:21.560 don't you take into the Tim tams, It undermines me. 0:04:21.760 --> 0:04:28.760 I feel unsupported. I feel sort of small and not 0:04:28.800 --> 0:04:31.080 important to you, and I would love it. 0:04:31.080 --> 0:04:32.320 If you could be my cheerleader. 0:04:33.400 --> 0:04:36.600 If you say that to somebody, it's very hard for 0:04:36.640 --> 0:04:41.280 them to sit there and not have an impact on them, 0:04:41.680 --> 0:04:47.160 because feelings is what essentially gets people on board. And 0:04:47.200 --> 0:04:50.839 too often when I see a couple, they'll say, I've 0:04:50.880 --> 0:04:54.040 told him to help more with the kids. I tell 0:04:54.080 --> 0:04:56.279 him every day, I yell at him. It just doesn't 0:04:56.320 --> 0:05:00.720 do it. I say, well, how bringing that up as 0:05:00.760 --> 0:05:03.960 the issue, and you need to hit him with feelings 0:05:04.160 --> 0:05:06.839 rather than just pointing out what he's doing wrong. And 0:05:06.920 --> 0:05:09.520 once you do that, you then get the person empathize. 0:05:09.520 --> 0:05:12.240 They start getting on board. So, you know, because you 0:05:12.240 --> 0:05:15.320 don't want to be a partner and hearing that you 0:05:15.440 --> 0:05:21.479 make your loved one feel small, undermined, unsupported, you want 0:05:21.480 --> 0:05:24.040 to be their cheerleader. When you hear that, you'll start 0:05:24.080 --> 0:05:26.799 getting on board. And so those people in that situation. 0:05:26.920 --> 0:05:28.800 You got to you got to hit him with feelings 0:05:28.880 --> 0:05:32.280 rather than where they're going wrong. Love that advice, and 0:05:32.320 --> 0:05:36.520 that's that's the key. And often, unfortunately on Maths, what 0:05:36.560 --> 0:05:40.320 you'll see is a lot of blame, a lot of defensiveness, 0:05:40.360 --> 0:05:43.560 a lot of criticism, personal attacks. But what you don't 0:05:43.560 --> 0:05:48.159 hear is vulnerable feelings and that's where you get your action. 0:05:49.880 --> 0:05:53.920 Love that so powerful and there will be thousands of 0:05:54.080 --> 0:05:57.520 wood Life lesseners who will benefit from that. And it's interesting. 0:05:57.560 --> 0:06:01.760 I mean, I obviously it's quite interesting for me talking 0:06:01.760 --> 0:06:04.200 to you because I met my incredible wife the way 0:06:04.240 --> 0:06:08.080 I did, and Maths is kind of like The Bachelor 0:06:08.200 --> 0:06:09.080 on steroids. 0:06:09.200 --> 0:06:10.400 Yes, very much. 0:06:10.600 --> 0:06:15.160 It's the real extreme version. But I mean, never in 0:06:15.200 --> 0:06:17.320 my wildest dreams did I think I would meet someone 0:06:17.320 --> 0:06:20.560 in that way. And obviously you are an integral part 0:06:20.600 --> 0:06:23.920 of some wonderful stories that have come out of that show. 0:06:24.440 --> 0:06:26.080 But then I was thinking, as I was driving to 0:06:26.120 --> 0:06:29.279 meet you today, you know, what a unique opportunity to 0:06:29.320 --> 0:06:33.200 talk to you about the power of those relationships. And 0:06:33.640 --> 0:06:36.760 I'd love I'd love you to give your top tips 0:06:36.760 --> 0:06:39.720 to our listeners based on what you see over and 0:06:39.760 --> 0:06:42.400 over again. You know, maybe one of the biggest mistakes 0:06:42.400 --> 0:06:44.600 people make for their relationships. I'm sure you don't have 0:06:44.640 --> 0:06:46.360 your top five up your sleeve or anything, but what 0:06:46.760 --> 0:06:50.359 are the biggest mistakes people make when it comes to 0:06:50.920 --> 0:06:52.560 sabotaging relationships. 0:06:54.000 --> 0:06:57.239 Well, if you're at home listening to this and you're 0:06:57.720 --> 0:07:01.200 thinking about your relationship, that's good because you want it 0:07:01.240 --> 0:07:04.200 to be front and center of your mind. But ultimately, 0:07:04.520 --> 0:07:07.799 the things that you can do that you want to avoid. 0:07:07.880 --> 0:07:11.920 One would be spending way too much time on your phone, technology, 0:07:12.000 --> 0:07:14.280 getting in the road if you're connecting. You see it 0:07:14.320 --> 0:07:17.760 in the cafe Sam a couple sitting there, someone's trying 0:07:17.760 --> 0:07:19.920 to have a conversation, the other person's head down on 0:07:19.960 --> 0:07:24.200 the phone, So that is a sign that things are 0:07:24.200 --> 0:07:27.440 not working well. I would also say that you don't 0:07:27.440 --> 0:07:31.040 have time for each other during the day to make 0:07:31.080 --> 0:07:32.040 little connections. 0:07:32.360 --> 0:07:34.000 You know, when you and Snares you wake up. 0:07:33.920 --> 0:07:36.240 In the morning and you might have a little coffee 0:07:36.640 --> 0:07:38.960 together just map out the day. Or when you come 0:07:39.000 --> 0:07:42.520 home at night, you kiss, you greet each other, you 0:07:42.560 --> 0:07:44.960 have a glass of wine before you go to bed. 0:07:45.320 --> 0:07:48.640 Those little moments of connecting are very important. But couples 0:07:48.680 --> 0:07:51.000 when they get into trouble. They let go of those. 0:07:51.880 --> 0:07:55.440 Another issue would be the way you bring up things 0:07:55.480 --> 0:07:58.080 that are on your mind, gripes, if you like you 0:07:58.120 --> 0:08:00.000 see it on maps a lot, they bring it up 0:08:00.080 --> 0:08:05.560 the sledgehammer you always, you never, instead of bringing it 0:08:05.640 --> 0:08:10.720 up softly. And what you need to realize is good 0:08:10.760 --> 0:08:15.040 listening comes from good speaking. So if you're really bad 0:08:15.080 --> 0:08:18.040 at bringing things up and you go hard and loud 0:08:18.280 --> 0:08:20.760 and you got contempt in your voice, it's going to 0:08:20.800 --> 0:08:23.720 go badly. So that's another key issue. 0:08:23.840 --> 0:08:24.080 I think. 0:08:24.120 --> 0:08:26.800 Another one as well, I would say is that you 0:08:26.840 --> 0:08:30.320 don't have shared goals or dreams together. You know, you're 0:08:30.400 --> 0:08:34.160 just kind of complacent. You're going along, but you haven't 0:08:34.200 --> 0:08:36.560 thought about, you know, the way in which you want 0:08:36.600 --> 0:08:40.400 to grow your finances or raise the kids over the 0:08:40.440 --> 0:08:44.839 next five years, the living arrangements, even holidays where you're going. 0:08:45.280 --> 0:08:48.200 So if you don't see eye to eye on those things, yeah, 0:08:49.120 --> 0:08:50.199 is that a deal breaker. 0:08:50.679 --> 0:08:51.840 It's not a deal breaker. 0:08:51.880 --> 0:08:53.520 But what you want to do is you want to 0:08:53.559 --> 0:08:56.560 get into each other's shoes and find out why it's 0:08:56.559 --> 0:08:58.960 so important that Sam wants to sit on the beach, 0:08:59.080 --> 0:09:03.360 you know, in Abo, while Snares wants to go, you know, 0:09:03.480 --> 0:09:07.040 to Aspen and go on a ski holiday. You want 0:09:07.080 --> 0:09:09.840 to make sure that you get a greater understanding of 0:09:09.840 --> 0:09:14.079 where each other are at. But if you're communicating poorly, 0:09:14.240 --> 0:09:17.600 you're not connecting your heads in the phone and technology, 0:09:18.360 --> 0:09:21.760 and you don't have dreams. I would say those areas 0:09:21.800 --> 0:09:26.000 there are signs to me that you've got problems. 0:09:26.080 --> 0:09:28.320 Yeah, I love that, I think I think. I mean 0:09:28.600 --> 0:09:31.800 even I'm not. I would never sit here to proclaim 0:09:31.840 --> 0:09:34.239 that says and I have a perfect relationship. I absolutely 0:09:34.280 --> 0:09:37.360 am guilty of some of those things. And was nodding, 0:09:37.520 --> 0:09:41.240 and I will listen back to this episode and make 0:09:41.280 --> 0:09:42.319 sure I address some of them. 0:09:42.360 --> 0:09:45.000 And it's funny, isn't it, Because you know we've attacked 0:09:45.040 --> 0:09:46.800 it by rather than saying what are the things that 0:09:46.880 --> 0:09:49.640 you should do, we have said, you know, these are 0:09:49.679 --> 0:09:50.760 the things that you want to avoid. 0:09:50.960 --> 0:09:52.880 Yeah. But I think that's I think that's better. It's 0:09:52.880 --> 0:09:53.480 more helpful. 0:09:53.760 --> 0:09:56.080 And interestingly, I think we've married at first sight. People 0:09:56.120 --> 0:09:59.679 watch it and go we're learning what not to do 0:10:00.480 --> 0:10:04.600 through certain behaviors, certain ways in which people don't get along, 0:10:04.920 --> 0:10:07.480 and that can be just as powerful as someone sitting 0:10:07.520 --> 0:10:11.360 there saying here's your top five secrets to happily ever After. 0:10:12.120 --> 0:10:14.400 And you know what's interesting. While I was listening, and 0:10:14.440 --> 0:10:16.240 I bet this is the case for many of our 0:10:16.280 --> 0:10:20.880 listeners too, I justify a lot of those things that 0:10:20.920 --> 0:10:25.800 I'm doing wrong because of kids. Yeah, it's just, you know, 0:10:26.200 --> 0:10:28.800 I would be more connected, I would be more present, 0:10:28.840 --> 0:10:32.160 I would have more time for you if I wasn't 0:10:32.200 --> 0:10:37.440 just so all consumed and exhausted by running around after 0:10:37.480 --> 0:10:40.560 four kids. And by the time all of that happens, 0:10:41.920 --> 0:10:45.160 I'm kind you know, my battery is zero, you know. 0:10:45.360 --> 0:10:48.280 And it's not a justification, because if all those things 0:10:48.320 --> 0:10:50.560 don't happen, I can absolutely see how they can be 0:10:50.640 --> 0:10:54.040 the beginning of relationships starting to fray at the edges. 0:10:54.080 --> 0:10:57.840 But what do you have different advice for parents? I mean, 0:10:58.000 --> 0:11:00.800 Sas and I both do this, you know, you know, yeah, 0:11:00.840 --> 0:11:04.480 but we don't have help here. You know, Snays's family's 0:11:04.480 --> 0:11:08.560 in Perth and my family's in Tazzy and being Macedonian, 0:11:08.679 --> 0:11:14.000 she's not that comfortable giving the responsibility of our children 0:11:14.040 --> 0:11:16.160 being looked after, the babysitters and that kind of thing. 0:11:16.200 --> 0:11:19.400 She prefers to do it herself. And I understand that. 0:11:19.480 --> 0:11:21.160 And there's a lot about that that I love. But 0:11:21.280 --> 0:11:24.320 then at the same time, we are always tired and 0:11:24.320 --> 0:11:25.720 we don't have a lot of time for each other, 0:11:25.760 --> 0:11:29.440 and we recently we have made Wednesday night date night. 0:11:30.040 --> 0:11:33.040 It's amazing how much that's you know, it's four hours 0:11:33.040 --> 0:11:34.760 out of one hundred and sixty eight for the week. 0:11:34.840 --> 0:11:37.880 But God's been it's been a game changer for us. 0:11:38.320 --> 0:11:40.559 Look, I think what you're talking about there is very 0:11:40.559 --> 0:11:43.720 real for everyone that's had kids, you know, your relationship 0:11:43.800 --> 0:11:48.640 really there's there's two relationships pre kids, where Sam and 0:11:48.679 --> 0:11:51.319 Snaars you know, go out anywhere they like, they holiday, 0:11:51.480 --> 0:11:55.000 they stay out late, they sleep in, they eat anything 0:11:55.080 --> 0:11:55.400 they like. 0:11:55.720 --> 0:11:58.600 And so we never had that. When Snaars and I met, 0:11:59.040 --> 0:12:03.880 Evie was nine ten, and so we see a lot 0:12:03.880 --> 0:12:08.360 of our friends who are couples three kids. This is 0:12:08.400 --> 0:12:11.840 our last Europe trip, this is our you know, it's 0:12:11.880 --> 0:12:14.480 the last hurrah this, you know, says And I haven't 0:12:14.520 --> 0:12:17.640 ever had a honeymoon, you know, And look, I'm not 0:12:17.679 --> 0:12:21.119 here with my violin, but I just it's just interesting 0:12:21.160 --> 0:12:24.880 that because we we obviously met through ridiculous circumstances. Move 0:12:24.920 --> 0:12:26.320 when I say, oh, you've had plenty of dates yeah, 0:12:26.360 --> 0:12:29.920 not quite the dates that I would have imagined. Cameras 0:12:30.120 --> 0:12:33.000 pointed our face, but it was kind of that to 0:12:33.080 --> 0:12:37.319 being flung into the public spotlight to you know, then 0:12:37.600 --> 0:12:40.160 snares an ivy coming over from Perth to Melbourne to 0:12:40.200 --> 0:12:44.040 live and seven years has gone by incredibly quickly and 0:12:44.080 --> 0:12:47.000 I feel like I would love nothing more than just 0:12:47.080 --> 0:12:50.920 to spend ten days on a holiday with Smiths. You know, 0:12:51.160 --> 0:12:53.839 it's it is an interesting one where you say that 0:12:53.960 --> 0:12:55.600 before and the after because we never had the. 0:12:55.640 --> 0:12:58.360 Before, and you're absolutely right. 0:12:58.400 --> 0:13:01.920 So you've essentially created your relationship where you've already got 0:13:01.960 --> 0:13:05.560 one child and then you've had more since then. And ultimately, 0:13:05.600 --> 0:13:08.960 what you've got to do is you've got to in 0:13:09.000 --> 0:13:13.439 a way which makes them feel special even though you're 0:13:13.440 --> 0:13:15.760 not getting a lot of time with them. So it's 0:13:15.800 --> 0:13:19.079 got to be doing little things daily and often, rather 0:13:19.120 --> 0:13:22.440 than flowers once a week. So what that means is 0:13:22.960 --> 0:13:26.520 texts through the day between you and your partner when 0:13:26.559 --> 0:13:28.559 you've got kids is very important and you get back 0:13:28.559 --> 0:13:31.800 to them. You don't ignore the texts. It's the little 0:13:31.800 --> 0:13:34.719 coffee in the morning before the kids get up, or 0:13:34.760 --> 0:13:36.520 the glass of wine at the end of the day. 0:13:37.440 --> 0:13:40.560 Or you know, binge watching an episode on Netflix in bed, 0:13:40.720 --> 0:13:43.080 just the two of you when you do go to bed, 0:13:43.120 --> 0:13:45.640 go to bed together. So these little moments of connecting 0:13:45.679 --> 0:13:49.840 is very important. Also, it's very vital when you've had 0:13:49.920 --> 0:13:54.920 kids that you two know what's going on within each 0:13:54.960 --> 0:13:58.280 other's days, and that means asking questions all the time, 0:13:58.400 --> 0:14:00.920 so you want to know, you know what it is 0:14:00.960 --> 0:14:04.680 that with the challenges with the kids today? What was 0:14:04.720 --> 0:14:07.160 their sleep time? You know, where did you go for 0:14:07.240 --> 0:14:09.440 coffee today with your friends? You had a meeting with 0:14:09.520 --> 0:14:10.240 a mother's group. 0:14:10.320 --> 0:14:11.080 What was that like? 0:14:11.360 --> 0:14:13.160 Get today to the names of them, So you're really 0:14:13.200 --> 0:14:16.400 deep diving on their world. Because the more you know 0:14:16.440 --> 0:14:19.400 about each other's in a world, then the stronger the 0:14:19.400 --> 0:14:22.440 bond is. And it's absolutely particularly when you had kids. 0:14:22.960 --> 0:14:25.080 It's very easy just to drift and not know what's 0:14:25.120 --> 0:14:27.840 gone on during the day. Another one I would say, 0:14:27.840 --> 0:14:30.400 which is very important. I'd say this is the biggest 0:14:30.920 --> 0:14:34.720 relationship skill I think you can have as a couple 0:14:34.760 --> 0:14:37.720 that's going to put you in good stead is at 0:14:37.720 --> 0:14:40.120 the end of every day, you've got to have a 0:14:40.200 --> 0:14:43.120 debrief where you say to your partner, tell me about 0:14:43.120 --> 0:14:45.520 the things that have been stressing you out today, and 0:14:45.560 --> 0:14:49.360 when they tell you what they are, you listen and 0:14:49.400 --> 0:14:55.680 you don't fix, no solutions, no advice, know how to. 0:14:56.840 --> 0:15:00.360 That is the biggest, single conversation that you you can 0:15:00.400 --> 0:15:04.840 have with your partner that every day. And then when 0:15:04.880 --> 0:15:07.560 you've had that, you flip it. And so your partner says, 0:15:07.560 --> 0:15:09.760 now you've heard from me, tell me about you what's 0:15:09.800 --> 0:15:13.520 stressing you out, and that that person listens and under 0:15:13.560 --> 0:15:16.560 no circumstances do they give out advice. So what you're 0:15:16.600 --> 0:15:19.400 doing there is you're saying, I've got your back, I 0:15:19.440 --> 0:15:23.080 empathize with you, I'm siding with you, but I'm not 0:15:23.120 --> 0:15:25.280 going to fix it. And what happens is it just 0:15:25.480 --> 0:15:29.200 absolutely just gives you this wonderful sense of Wow, it 0:15:29.200 --> 0:15:31.920 doesn't matter how bad things get, my partner has got 0:15:31.960 --> 0:15:34.400 my back. And if you can do that every day, 0:15:34.560 --> 0:15:38.040 I would say that is the single biggest relationship intervention 0:15:38.440 --> 0:15:39.840 I can give any couple. 0:15:40.560 --> 0:15:42.000 It's transformative. 0:15:42.160 --> 0:15:44.120 Yeah, that is such brilliant advice. 0:15:43.880 --> 0:15:45.520 Because we typically like to fix and we want to 0:15:45.520 --> 0:15:48.040 get our partner out of this stress, but they don't 0:15:48.080 --> 0:15:48.360 need that. 0:15:49.040 --> 0:15:52.400 So I not only try to fix. When Snares asked 0:15:52.400 --> 0:15:55.040 me I'm not vulnerable enough, and I pretend nothing's wrong. 0:15:56.440 --> 0:15:58.560 Yeah. We getting places here, so I'm good. 0:15:58.560 --> 0:16:00.520 I'm good. Yeah, I should have in here. 0:16:00.560 --> 0:16:01.040 We could have a. 0:16:02.640 --> 0:16:03.640 I didn't realize. 0:16:04.240 --> 0:16:06.080 Well, I mean, this is the thing though, you don't 0:16:06.160 --> 0:16:11.160 realize until someone tells you in a very practical way. Well, 0:16:11.360 --> 0:16:13.040 all we'd have to do is have a fifteen minute 0:16:13.040 --> 0:16:15.000 conversation at the end of the day with a glass 0:16:15.000 --> 0:16:18.400 of wine. We listen, We side with our partner, We 0:16:18.400 --> 0:16:21.480 don't fix. That's not too hard to do, but it 0:16:21.600 --> 0:16:23.400 absolutely overhauls your relationship. 0:16:23.440 --> 0:16:24.280 It transforms it. 0:16:24.800 --> 0:16:27.840 Yeah, I love that. So we've spoken about couples. Yes, 0:16:27.960 --> 0:16:32.400 what about all our legendary single listeners that are out there? 0:16:32.720 --> 0:16:37.280 What is your advice to them to you know, if 0:16:37.280 --> 0:16:39.720 they want to Some people are very comfortable, but if 0:16:39.760 --> 0:16:42.520 they want to be in a relationship, do you have 0:16:42.560 --> 0:16:45.480 any go to advice for them that you have seen 0:16:45.520 --> 0:16:46.600 has had success. 0:16:47.000 --> 0:16:48.400 Well, I'm going to go down the path that we 0:16:48.480 --> 0:16:51.800 went down last time, which is what not to do. 0:16:52.920 --> 0:16:57.920 So you know, when you're meeting a love interest for 0:16:57.960 --> 0:17:02.200 the first time, you want to stay away from people 0:17:03.000 --> 0:17:04.159 that have red flags. 0:17:04.840 --> 0:17:05.840 You're not going to change him. 0:17:05.880 --> 0:17:07.880 I wonder how long it be to you said flag. 0:17:10.040 --> 0:17:12.320 Let me make it clear, you're not special enough to 0:17:12.480 --> 0:17:17.400 change people. And the red flags that you're seeing. If 0:17:17.400 --> 0:17:21.960 that guy's forty five minutes late, if that guy is 0:17:22.560 --> 0:17:25.920 really rude to the waiter at the restaurant, if that 0:17:26.040 --> 0:17:31.880 guy is ringing you at midnight to come around, if 0:17:31.920 --> 0:17:35.399 that guy says, hey, I got a lot on my 0:17:35.480 --> 0:17:39.560 plate right now, I'm not looking for anything serious. These 0:17:39.600 --> 0:17:43.680 are red flags. You're not special enough to change him, 0:17:44.119 --> 0:17:46.800 so move on. So I think red flags is a 0:17:46.800 --> 0:17:51.000 big thing. You've got to stop going after people with 0:17:51.119 --> 0:17:54.359 those red flags and dating down. That's what I would say. 0:17:54.440 --> 0:17:56.960 Dating down is going out with someone who's bad for you. 0:17:57.600 --> 0:18:01.479 I remember someone saying to me or hearing you know, 0:18:01.520 --> 0:18:04.359 you date at your level of self esteem. So if 0:18:04.400 --> 0:18:06.800 you keep going out with the wrong types, it's because 0:18:06.800 --> 0:18:10.680 you don't like yourself. So the other thing I'd say 0:18:10.800 --> 0:18:13.879 with regards to dating is you better have good self esteem. 0:18:13.920 --> 0:18:15.040 Otherwise you're just going to. 0:18:15.040 --> 0:18:18.399 Keep attracting very bad people that will treat you badly. 0:18:18.720 --> 0:18:19.920 So look after yourself. 0:18:20.240 --> 0:18:23.240 And yeah, you're in a space sam where physical health 0:18:23.720 --> 0:18:26.560 well being, you know, eating well, sleeping well, all of 0:18:26.600 --> 0:18:29.520 these things are so important for how you're treating yourself, 0:18:30.080 --> 0:18:33.200 and if you're not looking after you, you are going 0:18:33.240 --> 0:18:36.840 to keep dating down. Closely associated with that is you 0:18:37.200 --> 0:18:39.840 don't want to keep repeating patterns. So when you get 0:18:39.880 --> 0:18:44.520 out of a relationship, grab a friend and say, all right, 0:18:44.640 --> 0:18:48.760 hit me between the eyes, what was wrong with this guy? 0:18:49.040 --> 0:18:51.679 You know, why was he so bad for me? Also, 0:18:52.359 --> 0:18:55.160 how did I contribute to this? What have I got 0:18:55.160 --> 0:18:58.399 to do differently moving forward? And what do I need 0:18:58.400 --> 0:18:59.920 different out of my next partner? 0:19:00.200 --> 0:19:01.520 Very few people would do that better. 0:19:01.720 --> 0:19:04.200 Very few people do it. And you see it with marriages. 0:19:04.400 --> 0:19:06.200 You know, people get married once and then they get 0:19:06.240 --> 0:19:08.800 married again and then again, and they're basically married the 0:19:08.840 --> 0:19:11.480 same person. They're just in a different body, but you 0:19:11.480 --> 0:19:14.760 know they keep the kid getting the same outcome. So 0:19:14.840 --> 0:19:17.760 I think you don't want to keep repeating those patterns, 0:19:17.800 --> 0:19:20.840 and a close friend who will tell you the truth 0:19:21.600 --> 0:19:24.280 is a great way of really getting a wake up call. 0:19:25.359 --> 0:19:27.400 Now we play that role and married at first sight, 0:19:27.560 --> 0:19:30.640 we're holding a mirror up to these people who probably 0:19:30.680 --> 0:19:33.840 have never had that happen and saying, you know, that 0:19:33.920 --> 0:19:36.800 pattern there is going to keep you single, So you 0:19:36.960 --> 0:19:40.960 change it or you're not going to last. You can 0:19:40.960 --> 0:19:44.000 play that role as a friend to someone who's single, 0:19:44.040 --> 0:19:46.200 who's dating but dating badly. 0:19:46.600 --> 0:19:49.080 So as the friend, do you need to be asked 0:19:49.200 --> 0:19:52.119 to give that advice or you just think we're as friends. 0:19:52.119 --> 0:19:53.760 We need to be a little bit bolder and we 0:19:53.800 --> 0:19:56.200 need to give it because they can be brickly. 0:19:56.400 --> 0:19:59.160 I mean, I do think I remember hearing the saying 0:19:59.160 --> 0:20:02.280 when the student is the lesson will be learned. So 0:20:02.440 --> 0:20:05.560 often it will take that person coming to you saying, look, 0:20:05.640 --> 0:20:07.680 you know what, I'm sick of being single. When they 0:20:07.720 --> 0:20:10.080 come to you and they say, my dating life is 0:20:10.080 --> 0:20:10.720 a disaster. 0:20:10.840 --> 0:20:13.680 I don't know what I'm doing. Have you got any thoughts? 0:20:14.000 --> 0:20:15.880 That's when you can line them up and say, all right, 0:20:15.920 --> 0:20:18.480 this is how you've got to do it different. And 0:20:19.320 --> 0:20:22.840 then it becomes intentional. We're almost in the same profession here, Sam, 0:20:22.880 --> 0:20:25.760 because I will get clients ringing me saying, you know, 0:20:26.720 --> 0:20:29.920 I keep going out with the same guy. I use 0:20:30.000 --> 0:20:33.240 this site or this app, and for the last six 0:20:33.280 --> 0:20:36.240 months all they want is sex. I say, well, have 0:20:36.280 --> 0:20:39.119 we thought about getting off that app? 0:20:40.080 --> 0:20:40.439 Really? 0:20:41.160 --> 0:20:42.119 What a wacky idea. 0:20:42.240 --> 0:20:43.440 And it's the same with fitness. 0:20:43.520 --> 0:20:46.119 You know, doing something over and over again but not 0:20:46.119 --> 0:20:50.760 getting any outcome, and then someone external saying all right, 0:20:50.760 --> 0:20:52.359 well let's shake it up. If you want different, you've 0:20:52.359 --> 0:20:55.159 got to do different. And a lot of the time 0:20:55.280 --> 0:20:58.960 in relationships, as in fitness, you know, it is you 0:20:59.080 --> 0:21:01.479 being responsible and saying I'm going to shake this up 0:21:01.520 --> 0:21:03.440 and do it in a way that's going to get 0:21:03.440 --> 0:21:07.080 me a different outcome, and that I think as single people, 0:21:07.119 --> 0:21:10.760 you really want to take on board the responsibility. It's 0:21:10.800 --> 0:21:14.920 your mindset. Ultimately, if you're dating, you're single, you've got 0:21:14.960 --> 0:21:18.520 to have a mindset of dating up. I'm looking to 0:21:18.600 --> 0:21:22.160 date someone who is top tier, who's going to treat 0:21:22.200 --> 0:21:25.600 me well, and who's going to meet my needs and 0:21:25.640 --> 0:21:28.280 anything else less than that, I'm not going there, but 0:21:28.320 --> 0:21:30.920 there's plenty of guys out there like that. If you're 0:21:31.000 --> 0:21:33.640