Speaker 1: This episode was recorded on Cameragle Land. Hi guys, and
Speaker 1: welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut.
Speaker 2: I'm Laura, I'm Brittany, and this is Ask Guncut where
Speaker 2: we answer you're deep, you're duck, and you're burning questions.
Speaker 1: Thank you to everybody who's written in a question this week.
Speaker 3: That was nice, Laura to trying to thank you and
Speaker 3: thank you for people they're writing in the aftermaths as well.
Speaker 1: We're going to do that soon. Oh okay, So I'm
Speaker 1: actually so excited by this.
Speaker 2: We've been talking about aftermaths for as long as we've
Speaker 2: been doing Ask Gun Cut, which is a good five
Speaker 2: years now.
Speaker 1: And the problem is is that we've talked a lot
Speaker 1: a lot of talk, not a lot of action, which
Speaker 1: I would like to not on USK.
Speaker 2: That is exactly what I was going to say. That
Speaker 2: is not an US problem. That is it for everyone
Speaker 2: whose questions we've answered problem. And after all this time,
Speaker 2: I'd started to I'd started to get a bit of
Speaker 2: self doubt because you guys rarely give us the update
Speaker 2: on what has been happening after you send in the question.
Speaker 2: You just the advice and then you run off into
Speaker 2: the wilderness and we don't hear an update. But what
Speaker 2: we've started doing now is every time we answer a
Speaker 2: question on here, we have our magical fairies who work
Speaker 2: behind the scenes, who then contact you and tell you
Speaker 2: we've answered the question, and we're getting follow ups. So
Speaker 2: we're actually getting aftermaths now. So that's gonna happen next year.
Speaker 2: Spoiler watch this face. Spoiler we have aftermaths. Oh my god.
Speaker 3: Whilst I'm cackling for a second, someone reached me yesterday.
Speaker 3: Someone commented on my Instagram and said, shut the fuck up.
Speaker 3: The world doesn't need to hear that laugh. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 3: And she was a middle aged woman.
Speaker 1: It always is. What was the name, Wendy. We'll go
Speaker 1: with Wendy. Do you actually I think it was Wendy.
Speaker 2: It always is a middle aged woman. It always is.
Speaker 2: And you know, while I say this, because you guys
Speaker 2: know the whole tit out saga. We talked about it
Speaker 2: on Tuesday. I said that their name was Stephen. That
Speaker 2: was to save them, so you're gonna out them. It
Speaker 2: wasn't a Stephen. It was a Diana. Okay, it was
Speaker 2: a fucking Diana. And she was a middle aged woman too.
Speaker 1: Do you know what though?
Speaker 4: The YouTube comments which seemed to be weirdly geared towards
Speaker 4: me at the moment, in the negative ones always about appearance,
Speaker 4: always from men. So YouTube and Instagram different audiences, different
Speaker 4: karens yeap.
Speaker 3: Keisha's a bit sensitive at the moment because someone commented
Speaker 3: on her lipstick yesterday and said yuck.
Speaker 1: That one didn't hurt me as much as the one from.
Speaker 4: The week before, which I won't repeat here, but that
Speaker 4: one really did get to me.
Speaker 1: That was the one the week before. We're not going there.
Speaker 1: I was called mate, Diana, fuck off, fuck off, Wendy.
Speaker 2: Also, if your name's Diana and you love the podcast,
Speaker 2: please this is that was not aimed at you.
Speaker 1: We love you. And Wendy. Also, I knowed even you're
Speaker 1: all great. I know plenty of great Wendy. It's just
Speaker 1: another day of being a girl on the internet, isn't it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: But I don't know.
Speaker 3: It's more offensive to me because my laugh is like
Speaker 3: the core part of who I am. Like, you can
Speaker 3: change your lipstick, Keisha, I can't change my laugh. It
Speaker 3: is ingrained who I am.
Speaker 1: So be fair.
Speaker 2: I mean, we really do ask for it just by
Speaker 2: putting ourselves out there.
Speaker 1: It's our fault. Have you guys said, that's not doing
Speaker 1: victim blame? I am the victim. Here was a joke.
Speaker 4: Have you guys seen that video of Ariana grind on
Speaker 4: a podcast where she's oh, by the way, another thing
Speaker 4: the criticism.
Speaker 1: I am highly aware now that.
Speaker 4: Perhaps we should have been slightly more sensitive talking about Wicked,
Speaker 4: because I did not realize how many people were Wicked
Speaker 4: stands and how many people were going to come in
Speaker 4: and support Ariana Grande. But there is a video of
Speaker 4: her on a podcast from a couple months ago, and
Speaker 4: she's talking and it sounds as though it's.
Speaker 1: In her actual normal voice.
Speaker 4: And then midway through it switches to that kind of softer,
Speaker 4: more like baby style voice.
Speaker 1: That she has. Well, like she forgot that she wasn't
Speaker 1: in character for a moment, and people were like, hang
Speaker 1: on a second, what just it? Was there a glitch
Speaker 1: in your matrix? Like what happened there?
Speaker 2: There's been a lot of conversations online about Ariana having
Speaker 2: this different voice, and I don't.
Speaker 1: See the problem now, I do.
Speaker 2: I don't understand the outrage about it because she's clearly
Speaker 2: a character in this movie.
Speaker 1: It's called method acting, yeah.
Speaker 2: And she's allowing that character to kind of flow into
Speaker 2: her interviews and everything else.
Speaker 1: I think it's okay for me.
Speaker 2: I actually think it makes the whole production around it
Speaker 2: more special.
Speaker 1: I like that she stayed in character. I like, we
Speaker 1: don't know who you are? Is she Gwen?
Speaker 2: Is she? Because I've not seen Wicked, so Wicked people
Speaker 2: don't come back.
Speaker 1: I don't think we should talk about it. I just
Speaker 1: have one question. Is she Gwenda? Is she the good
Speaker 1: Witch Glinda? She's Glinda?
Speaker 3: Yeah, not Gwenda, not Wendy, Wendy, not Gwendall close.
Speaker 4: But the one comment that I did see that I
Speaker 4: thought was actually kind of maybe fair enough is that
Speaker 4: apparently people who are singers sometimes deliberately speaking a higher
Speaker 4: registrar because it softens the damage that they can do
Speaker 4: their vocal.
Speaker 1: Cords or something about I thought it was a bit strange.
Speaker 4: If you're going to agree to be on a podcast,
Speaker 4: to me, I think you're agreeing to talking for an hour.
Speaker 1: I disagree.
Speaker 2: I think she realized halfway through that she was damaging
Speaker 2: her vocal cords, and she thought, this is my most
Speaker 2: important assays.
Speaker 1: I think she just thought, fuck, I slipped character.
Speaker 3: If you think people have a phone voice, right, It's
Speaker 3: normal for people to change their voice depending on their surroundings.
Speaker 3: If somebody is sitting at home with their family having
Speaker 3: a yarn, having a bari, then they have to go
Speaker 3: and do a keynote present in front of a thousand people,
Speaker 3: They're going to speak differently. Like if you pick up
Speaker 3: a phone you have an important conversation. I have a
Speaker 3: phone voice, like I try to sound a little bit
Speaker 3: more important, a little bit more intelligent, a little bit better.
Speaker 3: I think people read the audience and I think that's okay.
Speaker 1: Why don't you use that voice on the podcast box?
Speaker 1: I have an a Basha.
Speaker 3: Hey, I did have an interesting message that came through
Speaker 3: on Life on cart and I wanted to ask you
Speaker 3: if you had ever experienced this, And I did put
Speaker 3: on my Instagram as well. But Laura, for some reason,
Speaker 3: I think that you're going to have a story surrounding this.
Speaker 3: So one of our life has wrote in, Hey, so
Speaker 3: I've just had this conversation. I've literally just heard this.
Speaker 1: This girl just.
Speaker 3: Found out that her partner cheated on her, and in retaliation,
Speaker 3: she took his grandmother's own She took his earn, Yes,
Speaker 3: the actual urn with the ashes in it. I cannot
Speaker 3: wrap my head around this. Surely this can't be true.
Speaker 3: I mean, who would take an earn? And if someone did,
Speaker 3: what on earth would they do with it? Added the ashes,
Speaker 3: hold it hostage, use it as a twisted.
Speaker 1: Trophy of revenge.
Speaker 3: And then the listener literally said, I for some reason,
Speaker 3: I feel like Laura and your listeners are going to
Speaker 3: have a story around this.
Speaker 1: That's a character assassination. Yeah, I'm not a who wrote that?
Speaker 1: In was that Wendy again?
Speaker 3: Okay, so I added that in she just said, I
Speaker 3: think your listeners will have stories, but I have story
Speaker 3: that's wild.
Speaker 2: I would love to know if this person, whoever this
Speaker 2: person is, I would love to know if the guy realized, like,
Speaker 2: does he check in on Nana frequently enough that he
Speaker 2: noticed it was missing?
Speaker 1: Because it's only impactful if you're like, where the fucktion go?
Speaker 1: But it's a whole.
Speaker 3: She didn't just scoop it out and be like, ha ha,
Speaker 3: I'm stealing Nana. Like you would notice an entire urn gone.
Speaker 2: But you would only notice an urn gone if it's
Speaker 2: in a particularly prevalent place in the house or if
Speaker 2: it's something you check on, because they often people get
Speaker 2: an urn.
Speaker 1: I mean I should shouldn't say often. I just mean
Speaker 1: me recently.
Speaker 2: You get an urn and then you put it somewhere
Speaker 2: with the intention of scattering it. But it doesn't necessarily
Speaker 2: go on display. You might put it in a wardrobe
Speaker 2: or put it somewhere, which sounds because like Nana doesn't
Speaker 2: belong in a wardrobe.
Speaker 1: About Nana was closeted a whole life. Goddamn it. If
Speaker 1: your nan is in a wardrobe, take her ound.
Speaker 3: I always thought of maybe I've just been led down
Speaker 3: the garden path by movies. But I always thought that
Speaker 3: you get an urn and you put it on the fireplace.
Speaker 3: I don't have a fireplace, but if I did, I
Speaker 3: feel like that's where I put my urn.
Speaker 1: We've spoken to it earns a lot lately. But the reason, well,
Speaker 1: I mean, there is a good reason.
Speaker 2: For that, but it does depend on how much you
Speaker 2: spend on the urn, because there's different caliber of urns.
Speaker 2: There's the plastic one, which is just like a blue
Speaker 2: plastic box, which people are not putting on the mantelpiece.
Speaker 2: Or there's what my mum went for with poor old Nana.
Speaker 2: She just came in a giant griplock bag, So you're
Speaker 2: not putting that on the mantelpiece.
Speaker 1: That's got to go.
Speaker 3: And what the wolworst bag hasn't been hung over the
Speaker 3: fireplace with it?
Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 3: Think that maybe it was like a beautiful, expensive ceramic
Speaker 3: urn and she's selling grammar on the black market.
Speaker 2: No, no, I have absolutely no idea. But that is
Speaker 2: a pretty cooked revenge story for cheating. I understand that
Speaker 2: cheating often, when you find out that it has been
Speaker 2: done to you, you want to enact some sort of revenge.
Speaker 2: I would like to think that most of us are
Speaker 2: above it, but like often there is something.
Speaker 1: But that's a pretty low blow. I've got a bit
Speaker 1: of respect for it. Do she take it if she's
Speaker 1: gonna use it to blackmail?
Speaker 4: I mean, you've got to take something that has value,
Speaker 4: and what wouldn't you.
Speaker 1: Do to get your grandmother?
Speaker 3: But I don't think it's blackmail. I think she's just
Speaker 3: taking it to hurt him. I think it's just a
Speaker 3: you know, that's why you take something when you break up,
Speaker 3: like a cruel, Like what's so important to either you
Speaker 3: that you want to keep it or so important to
Speaker 3: that person that you want to like, I don't think
Speaker 3: she's blackmailing him, but.
Speaker 1: Why would you take it? Then?
Speaker 2: Let trying to use it as like a bargaining chip,
Speaker 2: but bargaining for what? That's my point, Go back and
Speaker 2: uncheat on me, like you cut. There's no there's nothing
Speaker 2: that you can get back with that sort of bargain.
Speaker 1: Maybe it's like, I'll give you Grandma back if I
Speaker 1: can keep the dog. She's put herself in a position.
Speaker 4: I've said she I don't even know if it was she.
Speaker 4: She's just put herself in a position of power, is
Speaker 4: all I'm saying.
Speaker 1: And I'm not saying that I would do the same,
Speaker 1: but it's a bold move. It's a power.
Speaker 2: I don't know if she's done it as a bargaining chip.
Speaker 2: The way that I kind of interpret this is that
Speaker 2: she's taken it from his house without him knowing for
Speaker 2: sure that it's her. So she's stolen it so that
Speaker 2: when he does discover that Grandma's gone, he feels upset
Speaker 2: and he'll be like, hey, what happened did you take this?
Speaker 2: And she's gonna be like, you're crazy, No, I didn't.
Speaker 2: Just so that he doesn't get to have that moment
Speaker 2: and doesn't get to like, I think she's done it
Speaker 2: to enact hurt on him, not because she wants to
Speaker 2: bargain with.
Speaker 1: Him, which I think is pretty fucking cruel.
Speaker 3: Well, I did ask some of you guys, like have
Speaker 3: you ever broken up or been broken up with them?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 1: What did you take?
Speaker 3: They're pretty funny. I took all the herbs and spices
Speaker 3: from the pantry. They take so long to accumulate, so
Speaker 3: sucked it. I took all the top of wear lids,
Speaker 3: but not the container, just so that they can't put
Speaker 3: anything in.
Speaker 1: I took my ex's lawn. What do you mean, like
Speaker 1: he's AstroTurf or like a lawn, the lawn.
Speaker 3: He cared so much about his lawn that she went
Speaker 3: and dug up the lawn with a shovel.
Speaker 1: That fuck, yes, good good.
Speaker 3: Can you just imagine I'm gonna fucking show you two
Speaker 3: weeks later, you're still digging up, but I'm gonna let
Speaker 3: me get there.
Speaker 2: No, because lawn is something that if you've got a
Speaker 2: good lawn, you were proud of that lawn. Like, I
Speaker 2: get it. I understand that ain't no matter Scott's fertilizer.
Speaker 2: That's bringing that back to life.
Speaker 3: There were a lot of like I took his birth certificate,
Speaker 3: which is like what sort of rung and bell I
Speaker 3: thought that's something you would do because you've broken into
Speaker 3: houses before and forged signatures, and.
Speaker 2: I've told you guys about how I forged my ex's signature.
Speaker 2: So because because and I know that this comes up,
Speaker 2: this comes up every time we talk about ex revenge
Speaker 2: and cheating stories training new listeners. It's a very I'll
Speaker 2: give you a quick quick overview. Found out my partner
Speaker 2: was cheating on me. We've been together for quite a while,
Speaker 2: and I had booked us flights to go to the
Speaker 2: Philippines together for my friend's wedding, so.
Speaker 1: I'd paid for it, I'd booked it. We were going
Speaker 1: Sabu Air.
Speaker 2: The reason why that's important is because Sabu Air are
Speaker 2: fucking great because most airlines don't let you change flights
Speaker 2: into other people's names.
Speaker 1: You just like you can't transfer flights anyway.
Speaker 2: Broke up with him. I wanted to take my girlfriend
Speaker 2: Kaya to the wedding with me. I contacted Sabou and
Speaker 2: they were like, well, you need to have his passport
Speaker 2: and a signature. So I contacted him and told him
Speaker 2: he couldn't come to the wedding, and he was like, well,
Speaker 2: I'm not signing that we're going to get back together.
Speaker 2: He was so adamant that we were going to get
Speaker 2: back together, even though he was the one who cheated
Speaker 2: on me, and I was filthy angry at him. So
Speaker 2: I snuck into his house, took a photo of his passport,
Speaker 2: forged his signature, and I went to the Philippines with
Speaker 2: my girlfriend.
Speaker 1: Had a great time. But Laura, imagine if you had
Speaker 1: his grandma in an urn. And I also took his
Speaker 1: nad up.
Speaker 4: But imagine if you say you will sign this document
Speaker 4: because that is the only way you're getting grandma by totally.
Speaker 2: The only other crazy thing I did, and it was
Speaker 2: to the same guy when he cheated on me.
Speaker 1: Another time was I took his phone.
Speaker 2: I threw it off the balcony and that landed several
Speaker 2: stories down at a pool.
Speaker 1: So like, get to be this viny.
Speaker 3: I always wanted to again. I watched you in new movies.
Speaker 3: I always wanted to be in that kind of a breakup,
Speaker 3: which is this is toxic in itself. But I thought
Speaker 3: if I ever was gonna have a breakup like you'd
Speaker 3: go hard and you do it properly. And I wanted
Speaker 3: to be on like the second story of a building
Speaker 3: and he's on the grass on the lawn and I'm
Speaker 3: throwing down his clothes over the balcony and throwing That's
Speaker 3: what I kind of break up I envisioned for myself.
Speaker 3: You know what I thought I was deserving of farm.
Speaker 1: Well never did.
Speaker 2: So not to like repeat more stories about my girlfriend Kaya,
Speaker 2: but the reason why we I mean, we've been the
Speaker 2: best of friends for like twelve years now, but one
Speaker 2: of our bonding moments was she I hope I'm telling
Speaker 2: this story right, because she'll hear this.
Speaker 1: And be like, you fuck she maybe just don't name her.
Speaker 1: She thought she got cheated on hers so long ago
Speaker 1: that now it's funny.
Speaker 2: She thought she got cheated on and so she keeped
Speaker 2: her boyfriend's car, but then found out he didn't actually cheat.
Speaker 1: And did he did she tell him he knew she
Speaker 1: like went real crazy in Keaty's car. And does she
Speaker 1: fix her? I don't know, she was young. Oh you
Speaker 1: can't tell a story like that, not to the purpose
Speaker 1: of defamation. Yes, she did fix it.
Speaker 3: She came for all of.
Speaker 1: The refairs and it was not kaya, it was Plaire.
Speaker 1: It's been more than ten years. Statutory of dec whatever,
Speaker 1: it's got.
Speaker 2: Limitations, which doesn't exists with the facts that you can
Speaker 2: do any illegal manuver you want, and the second you
Speaker 2: hit ten years you're allowed to talk about it because
Speaker 2: they can't touch you. I'm like, that's not statutory limitations
Speaker 2: except murder.
Speaker 1: Apparently that one that doesn't flyff.
Speaker 3: Nothing does if breaking into still has a limit, like,
Speaker 3: it doesn't just go away.
Speaker 1: Satutary limitations. It didn't happen. It was ten years ago.
Speaker 1: I'm a new person now.
Speaker 2: It's like when you write something really offensive on the
Speaker 2: internet from ten years ago and you go, but I'm
Speaker 2: a new person, they say, And I don't know how.
Speaker 4: Backed by science, this is that every cell in your body
Speaker 4: is replaced in a seven year cycle.
Speaker 2: So it wasn't even her who did it. It was
Speaker 2: the old her, seven year ago her.
Speaker 1: I think one person just wrote in now four of
Speaker 1: his left shoes. That's good, that's good. Yeah, oh man.
Speaker 2: We love these sending your revenge stories because I'm sure
Speaker 2: that there is more of them, great cheating revenges. It's
Speaker 2: time for vibes and unsubscribes Kita, you can go first,
Speaker 2: my friend.
Speaker 4: This is a click one for me today. It is
Speaker 4: an app and it is called sim Pull Interval Timer.
Speaker 4: So it says sit so like sit, but it's all
Speaker 4: in capitals and it is an app that is completely free.
Speaker 4: There is a paid version, but I've been using the
Speaker 4: free version for like twelve years now, and it's for
Speaker 4: anyone who whether you're at the gym or maybe you're
Speaker 4: doing like a home workout, and you know when you
Speaker 4: want to do interval training of like I want to
Speaker 4: do a minute of squats with like fifteen seconds in
Speaker 4: the middle, and then I want to do a minute
Speaker 4: of push ups and so on.
Speaker 1: To barter, it's called debatera training. Interesting, yeah, that's also
Speaker 1: it's called hit training. I think that that's Liker. They're
Speaker 1: all the stival training.
Speaker 4: Well, anyway, this app it's blue and it's got zero
Speaker 4: zero zero four on the app label. It enables you
Speaker 4: to adjust the number of sets, the action and the break.
Speaker 1: So to explain that, I'll give you the sets that
Speaker 1: I did.
Speaker 4: So I set it to have eight sets of a
Speaker 4: minute of action with fifteen seconds of break, and then
Speaker 4: you just hit down the bottom and it will come
Speaker 4: up with the total time that it will take you,
Speaker 4: which for me was nine minutes and forty five seconds,
Speaker 4: and you hit let's go. And what I real about
Speaker 4: this one not only is it free, which I think
Speaker 4: is great, but you can listen to other things at
Speaker 4: the same time. So a lot of people I like
Speaker 4: to listen to podcasts, a lot of people like to
Speaker 4: listen to music, and some apps that are kind of
Speaker 4: like this don't allow you to have other apps going
Speaker 4: at the same time, which.
Speaker 1: I assume would be really frustrating. I just simply wouldn't
Speaker 1: use it.
Speaker 4: And the little beeps just come through on top of
Speaker 4: what you're actually listening to, so it doesn't make it pause,
Speaker 4: which would annoy me as well.
Speaker 1: So yeah, it's called SIT or Simple Interval Trainer, and
Speaker 1: if you want to get into any type of interval training,
Speaker 1: I really recommend it give it a go because it's free,
Speaker 1: so it won't cost you anything.
Speaker 2: Amazing vibe for the week is it's MC beauty, and
Speaker 2: I know I vibe MC beauty a lot, but genuinely
Speaker 2: it's like the only makeup I wear at the moment,
Speaker 2: and it's so good. Now I am not a contour Galley.
Speaker 2: I don't do it well and I don't know how
Speaker 2: to do it. And brit will attest to this because
Speaker 2: once she was like, are you contouring the end of
Speaker 2: your nose?
Speaker 3: And I was like, I don't know people do that. No,
Speaker 3: you're just aggressive with it. Yeah, no, you were just aggressive.
Speaker 3: You were sort of doing it, but it was just
Speaker 3: a bit wild.
Speaker 2: Well, okay, it's the MC Beauty Instant Contor Beauty wand
Speaker 2: I use the medium to dark because I think the
Speaker 2: light to medium is probably not quite dark enough, if
Speaker 2: that gives you some sort of reference point. It's seventeen
Speaker 2: dollars forty, like, it's so well priced, and it is
Speaker 2: amazing if you are not someone who is very good
Speaker 2: at contor. It is a really nice color. It blends
Speaker 2: really really well into your foundation. And I think I
Speaker 2: like it better than just a normal bronzeer because it's
Speaker 2: it's not glittery.
Speaker 1: Can you show me what it looks like?
Speaker 2: It's this one. I think these are the Charlotte Tilbury dupes. Right, yeah, sorry,
Speaker 2: Charlotte Tilbury. Yeah sorry, I'm sure yours is very good too,
Speaker 2: but I ain't seventeen dollars forty so the only.
Speaker 1: Good that's a good stick.
Speaker 2: My only grite that I have about this is that
Speaker 2: unless you relock the tip, it leaks, and you have
Speaker 2: to be someone who's very good at like opening and
Speaker 2: unlocking every time you use it, as well as taking
Speaker 2: the cap off. So that would be my one recommendation
Speaker 2: around product development and packaging development. But the actual contents
Speaker 2: and product self is so worth checking a couple of
Speaker 2: them in your cart when you're at Big w or
Speaker 2: Coals or wherever you get stuff from.
Speaker 3: Love that and also your contouring looks great. Thanks bag
Speaker 3: from here with lit lights. That was weird was thank you,
Speaker 3: thank you so much? So cont so fresh. Okay, So
Speaker 3: my vibe this Week is a documentary on Netflix. It's
Speaker 3: currently in the top ten somewhere trending. It's called Buy
Speaker 3: Now The Shopping Conspiracy. It is brilliant. It's a very
Speaker 3: different documentary the way it's filmed. It's got some like
Speaker 3: unusual voiceovers, there's a bit of AI, a lot of CGI,
Speaker 3: and what it's about is there's a few different angles,
Speaker 3: but it's literally about the mass production of produce, whether
Speaker 3: that's food, whether that is clothing. It's a big look
Speaker 3: at fast fashion and it's lifting the curtains on the
Speaker 3: techniques and tactics that a lot of big brands and
Speaker 3: little brands, but the big brands like they focus on
Speaker 3: people like added as for example, the tactics that they
Speaker 3: use to keep you buying and what goes on behind
Speaker 3: the scenes in those companies that's fed down right from
Speaker 3: the boss, not only just to get you buying, but
Speaker 3: then it makes this different journey on the documentary. So
Speaker 3: it's like it shows you, Okay, this is why you're
Speaker 3: buying so much produce, and then it takes you on
Speaker 3: this other journey and this is why it's so bad,
Speaker 3: and it forecasts into the future and shows you just
Speaker 3: the extent of the damage that we're doing, how much
Speaker 3: we're lied to about what is actually recycled and what
Speaker 3: like yeah I think yeah, things like laptops. You know,
Speaker 3: they say, if you bring your laptop back in, we
Speaker 3: will make sure that it's destroyed properly.
Speaker 1: We will make sure that all the.
Speaker 3: Parts go to the right place, that the batteries, because
Speaker 3: we all know about lifting batteries and the damage to
Speaker 3: that kind of thing.
Speaker 1: They go like.
Speaker 3: Undercover and find out what really happens to them and
Speaker 3: then it's so dangerous. They are not being like the
Speaker 3: things that we think are being recycled are not being recycled.
Speaker 2: I watched this after your recommendation, Britt, and I think
Speaker 2: especially now obviously we're in the thick of Black Friday,
Speaker 2: and I found it as someone who runs retail businesses,
Speaker 2: I found it deeply fascinating. I've only seen the first
Speaker 2: half of it, but something that I think I really
Speaker 2: took away from it is when you think about your big,
Speaker 2: fast fashion moving brands like.
Speaker 3: She is the worst on the documentary, Sheen has the
Speaker 3: highest mass production.
Speaker 1: I never know how to say it.
Speaker 2: So Sheen, Zara, H and M ten years ago, when
Speaker 2: I fifteen years ago, like when I started Tony May,
Speaker 2: there used to be seasons.
Speaker 1: There used to be spring, summer, winter, fashion. That was it.
Speaker 2: So you had your your summer fashion label launch, you
Speaker 2: had your winter fashion label.
Speaker 1: Launch, three drops Mac, and that was it.
Speaker 2: Those launchers were so substantial and robust in how you
Speaker 2: campaigned them that the products themselves would sustain you throughout
Speaker 2: the whole year. Because of online shopping and because of
Speaker 2: places like Zara, h ANDM and Sheen, Sheen makes one
Speaker 2: point three million different new designs every single year, like
Speaker 2: products specifically like new tops, new pants, knew everything, new
Speaker 2: products every.
Speaker 1: Year and mass produces each product.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and the thing that's fascinating now is that every
Speaker 2: brand and it's changed how small brands function as well,
Speaker 2: are expected to continuously bring out new drops. We as
Speaker 2: a small business can't keep up with the big businesses either,
Speaker 2: But it all talks about how we are being marketed to.
Speaker 2: There is a sign around how we are a consumers
Speaker 2: society now, and it's the dopamine hits of buying. But
Speaker 2: then what happens with those products once you've purchased them,
Speaker 2: and what happens once you go, Okay, I've worn that
Speaker 2: shirt four times now I don't want it anymore, and
Speaker 2: you think you're going to give it to good will,
Speaker 2: but like, where does it actually end up? It is
Speaker 2: fucking fascinating, so so fascinating.
Speaker 3: They have whistleblowers from like added as Apple, Amazon, people
Speaker 3: that were working there for like ten fifteen years, people
Speaker 3: that were the head of the game that literally walked
Speaker 3: away and were like, I cannot consciously contribute to this.
Speaker 3: The part that really made me upset and I was
Speaker 3: so shocked about were there were a few whistleblowers that
Speaker 3: were just staffed, not CEOs, that came forward and spoke
Speaker 3: about the way that their company was run. They were
Speaker 3: always instructed to go and throw their products out once
Speaker 3: they had needed expiry date. Now these are great products.
Speaker 3: I'm talking shampoos and conditioners, like liquids. Then there was
Speaker 3: another one that was food, so bakery kind of food.
Speaker 3: And what was happening is there were hundreds of thousands
Speaker 3: of products being thrown out in the back perfectly fine.
Speaker 3: You see the products. You see the girls tip the
Speaker 3: bags out of full products. Homeless people were going to
Speaker 3: get the food to eat it because it's great food.
Speaker 3: And they were taking like the shampoos and conditioners and
Speaker 3: soaps and stuff because they're being thrown away. And the
Speaker 3: company was then instructed all of their staff, we don't
Speaker 3: want to be known as a homeless brand destroyer, so
Speaker 3: you will now tip everything out before you throw it
Speaker 3: out so that they can't use it. And they had
Speaker 3: to pour water on all of their baked goods so
Speaker 3: that they couldn't eat their food.
Speaker 2: But it's also the same for designer fashion labels like
Speaker 2: your Burberry, your Dodge and Gabana your Louis Vuitton. They
Speaker 2: slash their goods and put them into landfill because they
Speaker 2: do not want to sell them at a reduced price
Speaker 2: because then people will wait for them to go and sale.
Speaker 2: And the other part of it is they will not
Speaker 2: give their goods to charity because they don't want people
Speaker 2: from low socio economic households wearing them, because they want
Speaker 2: it to be a high end design arrange. It is
Speaker 2: a fascinating conversation. I actually think that there is way
Speaker 2: more to this which we would unpack on an interview episode.
Speaker 2: I have a really wonderful woman in mind for this.
Speaker 3: So that is by now the shopping conspiracy on Netflix.
Speaker 3: I cannot recommend it highly enough.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I reckon watch it and then we can have
Speaker 2: a bigger like everyone watch it. We can have a
Speaker 2: big conversation about it. Question at number one, my parents
Speaker 2: gave more money to my sibling than what they have
Speaker 2: given to me. A couple of years ago, my sister
Speaker 2: got married and my parents gave her a substantial monetary
Speaker 2: gift for her wedding.
Speaker 1: I got a third of the amount.
Speaker 2: For my wedding the year before, but were still so
Speaker 2: grateful for anything. Now, a few months after their wedding,
Speaker 2: they wanted to buy a house and were loaned the
Speaker 2: entire deposit from my parents to pay back. A couple
Speaker 2: of years on, they have not paid a cent back,
Speaker 2: and my parents haven't asked for it either. I have
Speaker 2: received approximately fifty thousand dollars less than them over the
Speaker 2: past three years, and now that there's been no repayments
Speaker 2: or discussion about this, I'm starting to become a bit bitter.
Speaker 2: They seem to be living a comfortable life and can
Speaker 2: certainly afford.
Speaker 1: To do more than my parents can.
Speaker 2: I'm frustrated at both my sibling and my parents, but
Speaker 2: don't want this to seem like I am only chasing money.
Speaker 2: I want there to be accountability. How would you handle
Speaker 2: this with your own family members?
Speaker 1: Dun, dun, dun No, Nona. This is a tough one.
Speaker 3: I'm probably not the best person to answer this because
Speaker 3: I have different views on this.
Speaker 2: Well.
Speaker 3: I have the view that your parents don't owe you anything.
Speaker 3: I truly believe that when you become an adult, it's
Speaker 3: not up to your parents to be giving you the
Speaker 3: house deposit and to be setting you up like I
Speaker 3: don't know, and there'll be people that completely disagree with this,
Speaker 3: But I'm going to use my family as an example.
Speaker 3: I'm one of four kids, and my parents always made
Speaker 3: sure we had all of what we needed to do
Speaker 3: whatever we needed to do in terms of education. So
Speaker 3: if we it was never pressure. But if we wanted
Speaker 3: to go to university, that was a choice. They would
Speaker 3: put us through university to get that education. They brought
Speaker 3: us all of our first cars, like because you know,
Speaker 3: you're seventeen eighteen when you get your license, so you
Speaker 3: don't really have that much money. But then when we
Speaker 3: were out in the real world and we had our
Speaker 3: degrees or we had our jobs and we were earning money,
Speaker 3: then you're an adult now with a full time income.
Speaker 3: Why is it up to your parents to be giving
Speaker 3: you anything else. I'm also in that understanding. If my
Speaker 3: parents pass away, I don't want inheritance. My parents will
Speaker 3: work so hard hope that they spend every dollar on
Speaker 3: living the best life that they have. So I'm the
Speaker 3: wrong person to ask for this because I would never
Speaker 3: ask my parents for money and I never ever have.
Speaker 3: I do think when I read this question from what
Speaker 3: you've said, I'd be probably more upset at my sister
Speaker 3: because it sounds like you've said your sister's doing better
Speaker 3: than your parents, she's in a better position, so I'd
Speaker 3: be more upset that she's has gone to your parents
Speaker 3: to say, hey, give me money, when like, why should
Speaker 3: I don't know, why should they have to do that,
Speaker 3: especially if your sister's better off. I'd be having a
Speaker 3: conversation with my sister before my parents. But I do
Speaker 3: understand why you're feeling bitter, because at the end of
Speaker 3: the day, even if you wouldn't have been in that
Speaker 3: position and you wouldn't have gone and asked for that money,
Speaker 3: I understand where you're like, Wow, one sibling is getting
Speaker 3: a real leg up in life like that would have
Speaker 3: been nice if I also had that, But it just
Speaker 3: sounds like you've probably got a bit more tacked.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I do as I agree, And I also think
Speaker 2: sometimes we can equate money to love, especially when it
Speaker 2: comes from our parents. You know, if my parents did
Speaker 2: this for one sibling and haven't done it for me,
Speaker 2: then it must mean.
Speaker 1: That they love them more than they love me.
Speaker 2: Things are not always fifty to fifty in life like,
Speaker 2: things are not always equitable in that way, and your
Speaker 2: parents may not have even really thought it through in
Speaker 2: terms of like that you might be feeling as though
Speaker 2: you were left out or feeling as though that there
Speaker 2: was an inequality there.
Speaker 1: Because I think it's great in the money, right.
Speaker 2: I think for you it feels as though it's a
Speaker 2: symbol of how much they maybe care about you verse
Speaker 2: how much they care about your sister, and how much
Speaker 2: they're investing in you versu investing in your sister. I
Speaker 2: think if it's something that's really really upsetting you and
Speaker 2: you are becoming bitter by it and you are becoming resentful,
Speaker 2: then a conversation with your parents and I know you,
Speaker 2: brit you said it's more anger towards the sister, but well, the.
Speaker 3: Parents wouldn't be giving it if the sister wasn't asking
Speaker 3: for it.
Speaker 1: Totally, absolutely, the parents wouldn't be giving it.
Speaker 2: But also the parents maybe are just hoping and waiting
Speaker 2: for the sister to pay back, you know, like hoping
Speaker 2: that she might come to that or make that offer
Speaker 2: of her own volition rather than getting to a point
Speaker 2: where the parents have to ask for it back. And
Speaker 2: I think that it could be a really honest conversation
Speaker 2: with your parents to be like, hey, I'm not saying
Speaker 2: this to you because I want money from you.
Speaker 1: I do not want any more money from you at all.
Speaker 2: And I know that there is a bit of a
Speaker 2: discrepancy between what you've given to Sarah and what you've
Speaker 2: given to me, but I just think that there should
Speaker 2: be some responsibility from Sarah to pay it back. And
Speaker 2: I know that you are being so kind and so accommodating,
Speaker 2: but I feel frustrated because I feel like she's taking
Speaker 2: advantage of you. I don't know whether you feel the same.
Speaker 2: And then have that conversation with your parents and allow
Speaker 2: them to process it and to decide whether or not
Speaker 2: they want to do anything about it. Because the big
Speaker 2: thing is is unless you really do actually want that
Speaker 2: fifty thousand dollars, and then that's a whole different conversation.
Speaker 2: It's not for you to worry about. It's not for
Speaker 2: you to fight for your parents to get this equality.
Speaker 2: If your parents are okay, they're financially stable, even if
Speaker 2: they're not doing as well as your sister, they are
Speaker 2: grown adults who have made that decision to help out
Speaker 2: your sister in a way. And I don't think that
Speaker 2: we are necessarily entitled to our parents income or to
Speaker 2: our parent's money yeah, we're definitely not.
Speaker 3: And the other thing was in relation to the wedding
Speaker 3: you said, like when you got married aye or two before,
Speaker 3: you got a third of the amount that she then
Speaker 3: got a couple of years later.
Speaker 1: There's also the chance that your parents have gone.
Speaker 3: Through different highs and lows in their finances as well.
Speaker 3: And we all know that when we're in a high,
Speaker 3: you are more generous, you have more money to give,
Speaker 3: you have more money, disposable money to do things with,
Speaker 3: and then you'll hit your low and of course you
Speaker 3: don't have as much money to give. So I mean,
Speaker 3: we've all been every single individual, all of us go
Speaker 3: through that, the cost of living. There's different jobs. You
Speaker 3: might have got the sack, you might have a high
Speaker 3: paying job. There are so many different reasons. But there's
Speaker 3: a big chance that that could be it too. Like
Speaker 3: Laura said at the start, because you got less for
Speaker 3: your wedding doesn't mean they love you less.
Speaker 2: I think about my own family, for example, and I
Speaker 2: hope I don't overstep, and I hope no one for
Speaker 2: my family hears this and cares that I'm saying it.
Speaker 2: But like my mum has given more money to my
Speaker 2: brother over the years. That is just because we have
Speaker 2: as children, we were in financially different positions. He is
Speaker 2: a lot younger than I was. I grew up quicker,
Speaker 2: I moved out of home quicker, I got jobs, and
Speaker 2: I moved into like my professions faster than he did.
Speaker 3: Times were tougher when you were the child.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And also like I think he asked for it
Speaker 2: as well, and so when you ask, you often get.
Speaker 2: And maybe you're not the child or the sibling in
Speaker 2: that environment that asks for things, and so because you're
Speaker 2: not asking for it, you're not getting it. I don't
Speaker 2: think that it means that they love you any different.
Speaker 2: I just think that it means that they are financially
Speaker 2: potentially being like, Okay, well this person's asking for XYZ,
Speaker 2: so we're gonna give it to them because they've made
Speaker 2: it known that they need it, whereas like you haven't,
Speaker 2: and therefore if you don't ask, you don't get kind
Speaker 2: of situation. Obviously that might not be the case. Your
Speaker 2: mum might love your sister more like. That is also
Speaker 2: a possibility. It does happen. It's fucked if that's a reality.
Speaker 2: What are you going to gain from bringing that up?
Speaker 2: What are you going to gain from sitting down with
Speaker 2: your parents and being like, hey, Mum, you love my
Speaker 2: sister fifty thousand dollars more than you love me. Like
Speaker 2: that's an awkward conversation to have it as an adult.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't think it's necessary.
Speaker 3: You literally say, how would you handle this with your
Speaker 3: family members? I think it's really important that you have
Speaker 3: this conversation with one of them in some capacity, because
Speaker 3: you've said, I'm getting bitter and money builds so much resentment.
Speaker 3: Money is the core of so many issues. Unfortunately, I
Speaker 3: wish it wasn't, but you hear it all the time.
Speaker 1: I would be going to talk to.
Speaker 3: Your sister first, and it doesn't have to be aggressive,
Speaker 3: but it could just be like, question, do you plan
Speaker 3: on paying mom and dad back any money? I'm just
Speaker 3: worried about them, Like maybe it's like I just want
Speaker 3: to make sure they're all set up for their retirement,
Speaker 3: and I know they're never going to ask you for
Speaker 3: it back, so you know, should you set up a plan.
Speaker 3: I would put it in that sense, like, hey, let's
Speaker 3: try and look after mom and dad as they move
Speaker 3: towards retirement. Let's try and get that money back in
Speaker 3: so that they can be earning their interest. I'd have
Speaker 3: a conversation that way, and then it's another conversation if
Speaker 3: she's like, I'm not fucking paying that back like that,
Speaker 3: that's when you have to make a decision if you
Speaker 3: want to go and speak to your parents or not,
Speaker 3: like how much is actually affecting you. But then you
Speaker 3: have to weigh up is the level of bitterness that
Speaker 3: you feel now, is that going to become ten times
Speaker 3: worse only situation and the resentment if you have that
Speaker 3: conversation with your parents, is that going to blow up
Speaker 3: astronomically within your family dynamic. So that's what you've got
Speaker 3: to weigh up. You know, benefit exceeds risk. I have
Speaker 3: a bit of a different take on this.
Speaker 4: I actually think it's likely that you may have felt
Speaker 4: like you weren't the favorite child for your whole life,
Speaker 4: and this is maybe one of the first things that
Speaker 4: you can actually measure as a discrepancy. Yeah, you know,
Speaker 4: it's really hard to measure love. It's not hard to
Speaker 4: measure money. And so if you have these things that
Speaker 4: you know, if you've grown up kind of being like, oh,
Speaker 4: you know, I always feel as though my sibling got
Speaker 4: more attention, more.
Speaker 1: Love, They got more opportunities.
Speaker 4: To do things like I just always felt as though
Speaker 4: they were preferred.
Speaker 1: You now have a way to literally put a number
Speaker 1: to that. Yeah, and that's very true.
Speaker 4: That's where the bitterness is likely coming from. It probably
Speaker 4: actually doesn't have much to do with the money, because
Speaker 4: it sounds as though you're fine financially as well, Like
Speaker 4: I don't know, it doesn't sound as though you're kind
Speaker 4: of counting your pennies. I kind of see this more
Speaker 4: as a it's a very key indicator that you have
Speaker 4: felt as though you were always second place.
Speaker 2: But in that and if that is the case, then
Speaker 2: that's a very different conversation because sitting down and having
Speaker 2: a chat with your family about, hey, you know, Sarah
Speaker 2: owes this much money and she needs to start paying
Speaker 2: it back because I feel as though there's a discrepancy here.
Speaker 2: I don't know whether or not having that conversation solely
Speaker 2: about money is going to resolve these feelings. I think
Speaker 2: these feelings will stay regardless of whether she starts paying
Speaker 2: it back or not.
Speaker 1: But I think we're also looking a bit deep into this.
Speaker 3: I don't think it all has to go back to
Speaker 3: you being felt like you weren't as loved as a child.
Speaker 3: There is also a chance that maybe your parents look
Speaker 3: at you, and this is a question you ask yourself.
Speaker 3: Maybe you're more independent, or maybe you're more financially stable
Speaker 3: than your sibling. Maybe your parents feel like you need
Speaker 3: less help. So that is a huge, huge thing to
Speaker 3: ask yourself.
Speaker 1: We can't answer that.
Speaker 2: I mean, look, the only thing that I want to
Speaker 2: add on this because I think we've kind of split
Speaker 2: it as many ways as we can. The reason why
Speaker 2: I think and I do come back to this idea
Speaker 2: of like, it's not really your place. You shouldn't have
Speaker 2: the entitlement to be asking these questions because it's not
Speaker 2: your money, is that it's very clear that your parents
Speaker 2: have been incredibly generous to both of you.
Speaker 1: You said that they.
Speaker 2: Gave you money for your wedding and that they also
Speaker 2: paid for her entire home loan deposit, but that the
Speaker 2: discrepancy between the money that they've given you is fifty k.
Speaker 2: If that's fifty thousand discrepancy plus they also paid for
Speaker 2: your sister's home loan, and the discrepancy is still only
Speaker 2: fifty k, Like, that's a lot of a lot of money.
Speaker 2: And I mean not everybody gets that from their parents
Speaker 2: at all, you know, any money to help for a
Speaker 2: home loan, or any money that comes for a wedding gift.
Speaker 2: So I think maybe have a think about what your parents'
Speaker 2: generosity has been and whether it's a case of this
Speaker 2: resentment going more towards your sister and her asking if
Speaker 2: you haven't been the asker in your family dynamic. I
Speaker 2: think you have to be very careful with how you
Speaker 2: handle this, because having relationship dynamics be so affected by
Speaker 2: money is a really sad place to get.
Speaker 3: To Question two. I'm in a relationship of almost nine years.
Speaker 3: We're engaged. He's the most amazing person ever, ticks all
Speaker 3: the boxes, but the sexual attraction and lust has just
Speaker 3: gone for me. I'm starting to have feelings for someone else,
Speaker 3: which is controlling a lot of my emotions at the
Speaker 3: moment and is clouding my judgment. My fiance and I
Speaker 3: have just bought a house and we have an eleven
Speaker 3: month old puppy. His parents have gone guarantees for our
Speaker 3: place as well. I feel like I'm stuck in between
Speaker 3: a rock and a hard place with which way I
Speaker 3: go about it. Do I stay with my current fiance
Speaker 3: because he's the sweetest guy who would do anything for me.
Speaker 1: Or do I.
Speaker 3: Follow my head and my heart and take a chance
Speaker 3: on this other person, or maybe do I just try
Speaker 3: and be single for a while, I mean my late
Speaker 3: I mean my late twenties, and just scared I might
Speaker 3: be stuck in a mentality that I have a lot
Speaker 3: to lose, but also might not be in love anymore.
Speaker 2: Go to a psychic, don't do what we did, Look
Speaker 2: at us thriving.
Speaker 1: Oh la la, la la la.
Speaker 2: My very first thought is you should not be getting
Speaker 2: married to someone where you have so many doubts, Like
Speaker 2: when the doubts are that prevalent. If you feel as
Speaker 2: though you're not in love with him anymore, then I think,
Speaker 2: whatever you do, you need to take some time to
Speaker 2: figure this out before you go ahead with a marriage,
Speaker 2: because that's a really bad place to start a marriage,
Speaker 2: from feeling as though you're not in love with the
Speaker 2: person that you're getting married to.
Speaker 1: Could it be cold feet? Maybe? Could you have a
Speaker 1: case of the grass is greener? Maybe? Could it be
Speaker 1: that you need to be single for a bit?
Speaker 2: Maybe like a lot of Maybe it's but like it's
Speaker 2: almost impossible to know what the answer to this is.
Speaker 2: But the one answer to this is, don't marry someone
Speaker 2: unless you feel absolutely certain that you're making a decision
Speaker 2: that is a decision that you're going into with excitement
Speaker 2: and love and the idea of building a future together.
Speaker 2: Don't marry someone because you're worried about what you know,
Speaker 2: the time that you've wasted, or like the investment in them,
Speaker 2: or what else there might be. Like, that's a really
Speaker 2: really bad place to go into a marriage with. I
Speaker 2: think a really bad mindset.
Speaker 3: Also, you can break up with someone when you have
Speaker 3: a house and a puppy, Like, that's not what should
Speaker 3: be tying you to someone. I've broken up with someone
Speaker 3: when I've had a house with him. I've broken up
Speaker 3: with someone when I had I mean, Jordan and I
Speaker 3: broke up when Delilah was we.
Speaker 1: Got her together.
Speaker 3: Delilah was like a baby too, literally two months old
Speaker 3: or something.
Speaker 2: But let me, I do want to validate this. Sometimes
Speaker 2: it's not about breaking up with the person right. Sometimes
Speaker 2: it's about breaking up with the life that you've created
Speaker 2: and the identity that you've created together. You might know
Speaker 2: that you're not in love with that person anymore, but
Speaker 2: you might love your life. You might love the comfort,
Speaker 2: the friendships, the way that your life. You know the
Speaker 2: routine of your life, and that is a really fucking
Speaker 2: hard thing to break up with.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I agree, but I don't think that's where she
Speaker 3: is personally. She literally I think it's more about her
Speaker 3: feeling stuck.
Speaker 1: She's like, I feel stuck. We have his puppy, his.
Speaker 3: Parents have gone garantur in our house. You go on
Speaker 3: to say you have no sexual attraction, the lust is gone,
Speaker 3: you have feelings for someone else. And the key part
Speaker 3: here is I'm just going to read it again. Do
Speaker 3: I stay with my current fiance because he's the sweetest guy,
Speaker 3: he would do anything for me, or follow my head
Speaker 3: and heart and take a chance on this other person.
Speaker 3: Your head and your heart is elsewhere, so it's not one.
Speaker 3: It's not like your head is telling you to stay
Speaker 3: and your heart's telling you to go, or vice versa.
Speaker 3: You said your head and your heart is elsewhere. I
Speaker 3: would be thinking long and hard about getting married. What
Speaker 3: I will say is, do not leave this relationship for
Speaker 3: this person that you're lusting over, because that will end
Speaker 3: in a ship fire. You have to leave because your
Speaker 3: relationship isn't right. Not because you think there could be
Speaker 3: someone else that you could have a fling with. You've
Speaker 3: never been with this person, you have a crush on him,
Speaker 3: you have feelings for him because maybe you don't have
Speaker 3: those feelings at home, but like it will end fucking
Speaker 3: badly if you leave your relationship for this crush.
Speaker 1: I don't think I've ever agreed with you more strongly. Yes,
Speaker 1: thank you. To continue on?
Speaker 3: He's really right, I'll disagree, but no, I yes, but
Speaker 3: to continue on. You're in your late twenties and you
Speaker 3: feel like you're stuck in this mentality where you have.
Speaker 1: A lot to lose.
Speaker 3: We really get stuck on age, I think you know.
Speaker 3: Sometimes we're like I don't I think I'll find anyone else,
Speaker 3: and I spend all this time sunk cost, fallacy, all
Speaker 3: that stuff, Like you know, I'm nearly thirty. Do I
Speaker 3: really want to start again? This guy treats me so well.
Speaker 3: I can tell you you could be with the most
Speaker 3: perfect person that ticks every single box and they treat
Speaker 3: you amazingly and you will have a wonderful life. They
Speaker 3: will never cheat on you. But that doesn't mean they're
Speaker 3: the right person, and it doesn't necessarily mean that you're
Speaker 3: penguin and that you're head over heels in love. Like
Speaker 3: you can have two people on paper that are wonderful.
Speaker 3: That doesn't mean you have to stay with that person,
Speaker 3: and it doesn't mean you're not going to find it again.
Speaker 3: I just worry for him as well in a way,
Speaker 3: for both of you. But if you're not in love
Speaker 3: with him in that way and you're thinking you shouldn't
Speaker 3: be getting married and you're having feelings for someone else,
Speaker 3: I think it would be really selfish to continue in
Speaker 3: that marriage because it doesn't sound like it's going to
Speaker 3: end well.
Speaker 1: But you need to do some.
Speaker 3: Very deep introspective thinking. Is this just a moment, Has
Speaker 3: this feeling been there? Is it fleeting?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 3: Has it been there for like two months since you
Speaker 3: met him? Or have you been feeling this way for
Speaker 3: three years of your nine year relationships?
Speaker 2: I think that that's a really clear decater, right. I
Speaker 2: think it's so important to be honest with yourself. Did
Speaker 2: you only lose the last and lose the excitement in
Speaker 2: your relationship when something shiny came along, like when you
Speaker 2: started to feel those feelings for someone else, because you
Speaker 2: know you've been together for nine years.
Speaker 1: It is kind of normal in.
Speaker 2: Some ways to have a change in your relationship where
Speaker 2: you don't have as much sexual desire, you don't have
Speaker 2: as much loss you'd like. Those things are going to
Speaker 2: weigh throughout a long term relationship, and the difference is
Speaker 2: whether you have the mentality or the drive to work
Speaker 2: on getting it back right. Like, you can get those
Speaker 2: things back in a relationship. They don't have to be
Speaker 2: dead gone left your body. I'd never want to fuck
Speaker 2: my husband again. Like, you can work on it, and
Speaker 2: you can regain that intimacy, sexual attraction, all of those
Speaker 2: things for your partner. But the thing is is really
Speaker 2: being honest with yourself as to whether that has been
Speaker 2: impacted by the fantasy of what you have with someone else,
Speaker 2: by the idea and the thoughts and everything else that
Speaker 2: you have created around what could be with someone else.
Speaker 2: I want to be careful because we the last thing
Speaker 2: we ever want to say is like break up when
Speaker 2: you've been in a relationship for nine years, because the
Speaker 2: grass is not always greener.
Speaker 3: Sometimes it is, but it's not always.
Speaker 2: Sometimes it is, but sometimes you can take for granted
Speaker 2: an incredible person who treats you so well, who gives
Speaker 2: you all of the stability and the comfort because you've
Speaker 2: stopped putting work on your relationship. You stop working on it,
Speaker 2: you stop caring about their feelings, their needs, your needs,
Speaker 2: like all of that, and you've prioritized other things, and
Speaker 2: so your life has just even though you cohabitate, you've
Speaker 2: kind of just drifted into different forks in the road.
Speaker 2: I really want you to and if I was in
Speaker 2: this position, the thing that I think I would do
Speaker 2: for myself, and I think about my relationship with Matt,
Speaker 2: if something like this ever happened, I would stop all
Speaker 2: contact with the other person for a while, because for
Speaker 2: as long as you're entertaining that and you're seeing them
Speaker 2: and there is this flirty thing going on, it's impossible
Speaker 2: for you to actually gain clarity around whether you want
Speaker 2: to be in your relationship or not, because you've got
Speaker 2: this very current and clear temptation that's screaming at you
Speaker 2: that something better could exist. So I would go, okay,
Speaker 2: park that figure out whether or not I can fix
Speaker 2: things with my nine year relationship with someone who potentially
Speaker 2: is going to be a fucking great long term partner.
Speaker 2: And if in a couple of months time or week's
Speaker 2: time or whatever it is. You're like, actually, no, you
Speaker 2: know what, I can't do this anymore.
Speaker 1: Then you leave.
Speaker 2: But right now, the way that you've written this and
Speaker 2: the way I'm reading it, you're leaving this for the
Speaker 2: excitement of something.
Speaker 3: Else, and you've just got to figure out I might
Speaker 3: not be in love anymore. You've got to figure that out.
Speaker 3: No one can tell you that. No one can tell
Speaker 3: you if you're falling out of love and at what level.
Speaker 1: But I agree with Laura. Cut the external.
Speaker 3: Sources and the external temptations and really think about your relationship.
Speaker 3: Even you don't necessarily have to end your relationship, but
Speaker 3: you shouldn't be getting married while you feel like that.
Speaker 1: So maybe you can put the wedding off.
Speaker 3: I don't know how far into the planning you are,
Speaker 3: but you need some time to work it out. We
Speaker 3: don't expect you, and you shouldn't expect yourself to wake
Speaker 3: up and be like, that's it, dusty my hands, I'm done,
Speaker 3: or I'm getting married.
Speaker 2: But she said it, She said to herself, I'm starting
Speaker 2: to have feelings for someone else, which is controlling a
Speaker 2: lot of my emotions at the moment, and it's.
Speaker 1: Clouding my judgment. Yeah, fucking cut it, like, cut that
Speaker 1: out right now.
Speaker 2: That is to me is like you are you are
Speaker 2: absolutely flirting with fire.
Speaker 1: I just don't marry him, That's what I'm saying.
Speaker 3: No, I'm just saying, like, if you're the like, don't
Speaker 3: marry him, put it off, don't break up with him necessarily,
Speaker 3: But don't go and sign those papers and put yourself
Speaker 3: and him and everyone through it. If you literally don't
Speaker 3: know if you want to marry him, like you need
Speaker 3: to be certain. It is such a huge commitment.
Speaker 1: Question three.
Speaker 2: I am a first time mum and my baby is
Speaker 2: now ten months old. I have been really struggling with
Speaker 2: connecting to my husband in the last six months or so.
Speaker 2: He is a great dad and I love seeing him
Speaker 2: with our son, but it feels like we've just completely
Speaker 2: lost the spark. I don't feel special or wanted anymore.
Speaker 2: It doesn't help that he injured himself pretty badly in
Speaker 2: July and hasn't been able to carry his weight around
Speaker 2: the house. This has left me doing all the cooking
Speaker 2: or the cleaning, or the barth, the bed with.
Speaker 1: The baby, etc.
Speaker 2: We live in a small rural town away from family,
Speaker 2: so I don't have any help around the house as well,
Speaker 2: which adds another layer of stress. Months ago, Laura mentioned
Speaker 2: something about just getting through those early years when you
Speaker 2: have a baby in terms of staying with your partner.
Speaker 2: She said, it gets a lot better once babies grow
Speaker 2: up a bit. I would love to hear more about this,
Speaker 2: and I suppose my question is how can I try
Speaker 2: to reconnect with my partner?
Speaker 3: I mean, straight out of the gate. I don't think
Speaker 3: your problem is that you have a little one. I
Speaker 3: think your problem is that your partner is not pulling
Speaker 3: his weight.
Speaker 1: But it's multiple parts of it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but of course, yes, one hundred percent. I don't
Speaker 3: have kids.
Speaker 1: We know that.
Speaker 3: But of course the pressure of having a child is
Speaker 3: huge on a relationship, on you as an individual.
Speaker 1: We know that you can get the baby blues. We
Speaker 1: know post natal.
Speaker 3: Depression is a thing. We know that relationships suffer in
Speaker 3: some capacity because there's someone else that needs your attention
Speaker 3: and your love and your time. But those things are
Speaker 3: made far more easy if you have a partner that
Speaker 3: is also helping to can tribute. There are two parents,
Speaker 3: the mother doesn't have to be the person that does
Speaker 3: everything that in fact, it should be the opposite. You
Speaker 3: are literally growing a human, Your hormones are changing, you
Speaker 3: were fatigued. Your partner should be pulling his weight in
Speaker 3: some capacity, but it feels like he's gone the other direction.
Speaker 3: Unless your husband's injury is like a broken back and
Speaker 3: he cannot move, there is always something that he can
Speaker 3: do to help, Like I don't believe he cannot get
Speaker 3: up and put some formula in the microwave. I don't
Speaker 3: believe he cannot order you some dinner, or cook you
Speaker 3: a dinner, or pick his clothes up, or do a
Speaker 3: load of washing, Like you have to be completely bedridden
Speaker 3: to not be able to contribute in any capacity.
Speaker 2: Also, he injured himself pretty badly in July. Your baby's
Speaker 2: ten months old and it's now November, so there has
Speaker 2: been a lot of time in between. Obviously there's grace
Speaker 2: for an injury. It's not as though your heartless bitch here.
Speaker 1: Like get up and get of course, ships him.
Speaker 2: I honestly, it was the most surprising to me how
Speaker 2: much having kids changes your relationship. And I know people
Speaker 2: to about it, and I think we were like a
Speaker 2: small case of it, Like we were the lucky version.
Speaker 2: Because Matt is someone who is he takes feedback really well,
Speaker 2: and he tries really really hard, like he's a he's
Speaker 2: a really great dad, and he's a really good partner.
Speaker 2: And you know, as much as I take the piss
Speaker 2: out of him on here, sometimes like I'm so deeply
Speaker 2: grateful for the type of husband that he is, because
Speaker 2: he's a fucking wonder man.
Speaker 3: I really wanted it. He really wanted to be a dad.
Speaker 2: He desperately, and he's always said like he wants to
Speaker 2: be the dad that he didn't have, you know, and
Speaker 2: he matches up and stands up to that plate every
Speaker 2: single day, Which is why I really like when I
Speaker 2: answer this question, I'm like, I have so much empathy
Speaker 2: for it, because even though I had that version of
Speaker 2: a partner, there was still a period where it was
Speaker 2: so fucking hard. And I remember, especially when like Marley
Speaker 2: was really little and I had her strap to me,
Speaker 2: and then Lola was little, and he was off doing
Speaker 2: dancing with stars and everything else, and I had these
Speaker 2: two little babies and I was doing everything and we
Speaker 2: had the biggest fight that we've ever had was when
Speaker 2: Lola was little and I came home and she just
Speaker 2: screamed all day, right like it was a fucking nightmare,
Speaker 2: she screamed all day. I hadn't slept and I was
Speaker 2: running them around and I was still working as well,
Speaker 2: and he very patronizingly, was like, I know this is hard,
Speaker 2: and I was like, you have no fucking idea how dancing.
Speaker 2: I was like, you don't know how hard it is
Speaker 2: because you're not here. You don't get it, you're not
Speaker 2: doing it. And I think it's the for me. It
Speaker 2: was the you can't possibly understand how hard this is
Speaker 2: for me because.
Speaker 1: You are not doing it.
Speaker 2: You are not walking in these shoes to actually fathom
Speaker 2: how life changing this is for me. And that lasts
Speaker 2: for a really long time, and it's really hard to
Speaker 2: go from like having only your partner to think about
Speaker 2: like yourself, your work, your partner. You give them so
Speaker 2: much attention, like you're so connected. You're like you're having
Speaker 2: sex all the time, like you're so in love, and
Speaker 2: then all of a sudden, you've got these other children
Speaker 2: and all these responsibilities and everything else that touches you out.
Speaker 2: And actually, interestingly, you also get a lot of love
Speaker 2: from your kids, So there's parts of that emotional connection
Speaker 2: that you don't need from your partner as much anymore
Speaker 2: because all of the buckets are topped up and you're
Speaker 2: overstimulated all the time. All I want to say to
Speaker 2: you off the back of that is, it is absolutely
Speaker 2: no surprise to me that you don't have desire or
Speaker 2: lust for your partner right now, And it is absolutely
Speaker 2: no surprise to me that you're struggling with connecting with him.
Speaker 2: And this is not your job to fix. You can't
Speaker 2: fix this on your own. He has to fix it too.
Speaker 2: The only place that you can start is some really
Speaker 2: honest conversations around why you feel the way that you feel,
Speaker 2: and how you've given as much grace that you can.
Speaker 2: Ten months is a really long time to be the
Speaker 2: sole person to do all those things, and that if
Speaker 2: he wants the connection, if he wants to be you know,
Speaker 2: wants a wife who has sex with him and wants
Speaker 2: all of that stuff, he needs to make you feel desired,
Speaker 2: and he needs to step up to the plate and
Speaker 2: do the things that seem like they're not connected to
Speaker 2: sex whatsoever. But trust me, if you see your husband cooking, cleaning,
Speaker 2: and taking care of the kids, you'll want to have
Speaker 2: sex with him again because you're carrying the full mental load.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and we say it all the time off the
Speaker 3: back of our interview with Esther Perell where she said
Speaker 3: that full play starts, you know, the second sex ends,
Speaker 3: and full play is not just physical. Full play is
Speaker 3: the way someone speaks to you, the things that they
Speaker 3: do around the house, the little extra bits of tidbits
Speaker 3: of love and affection that they give you in different ways.
Speaker 3: So whether that is just like hey, baby, did the
Speaker 3: washing for you, filled up petrol in your car, they
Speaker 3: are all things that contribute to full play because it changes,
Speaker 3: it can change your chemistry. I'm like, yeah, pump my
Speaker 3: fucking tires, pop the times you can pump me like
Speaker 3: it's called chore play, choor play. Yeah, sounds like you've
Speaker 3: been giving him a lot of grace and you've.
Speaker 1: Done a lot on your own. So I think you
Speaker 1: can have that conversation. Not you can. You fucking have
Speaker 1: to have that conversation.
Speaker 3: Relationship won't survive if you don't like you're going to
Speaker 3: build so much resentment is disdain towards your partner and
Speaker 3: the life that you will feel like he is making
Speaker 3: you live that it will be detrimental to your relationship
Speaker 3: and you should feel like you can have that conversation
Speaker 3: if unless there's a reason in your relationship that you
Speaker 3: don't feel like you can go to him and be
Speaker 3: so open. But I would just say I need help. Yeah,
Speaker 3: I need help. That's the sentence complete.
Speaker 2: The only thing though, is, and I know I've spoken
Speaker 2: about this before, and I've said, like, obviously, when you
Speaker 2: have little kids, it is the hardest it's ever going
Speaker 2: to be, right, and then it gets easier as they
Speaker 2: get older and as you kind of can reconnect back
Speaker 2: to your partner, like everything gets easier. But it only
Speaker 2: gets easier if you have a partner that shows up
Speaker 2: and actually does some of the work as well. If
Speaker 2: he continues like this, like if you're in a relationship
Speaker 2: that there's just not any equality around it, and you're
Speaker 2: doing all the kid all the housework, you're working all
Speaker 2: the time, like you never get time off. That doesn't
Speaker 2: change when they get older, and so the same issues continue.
Speaker 2: The only reason why it gets easier as they age
Speaker 2: is if you have a partner who steps up to
Speaker 2: the plate and starts to take some of those responsibilities
Speaker 2: off you. And so I really think that like this
Speaker 2: is the time for that. But don't check out of
Speaker 2: a relationship when you have a really little baby. Obviously
Speaker 2: you're not now, but big, big conversations need to be had.
Speaker 2: And maybe not to relate it back to my relationship
Speaker 2: with Matt, but it was a real turning point for
Speaker 2: us when we sat down after the massive blow up
Speaker 2: that we had.
Speaker 1: And I explained him.
Speaker 2: I was like, I come home from work and I
Speaker 2: have the kids, and when I don't have the kids,
Speaker 2: I'm asleep. I was like, I'm either working or I
Speaker 2: have the children, or I'm doing something for this household,
Speaker 2: or I'm asleep. I was like, when you don't have
Speaker 2: the kids, that's your time to go to the gym.
Speaker 2: You get time to go. You went and had a
Speaker 2: beer with the boys this afternoon. Like, when you don't
Speaker 2: have the children, you get free time. And when I
Speaker 2: don't have the children, there is no such thing as
Speaker 2: me time. And that was like such a massive shift
Speaker 2: and it was a real learning curve for both of us.
Speaker 2: And you know, it depends on how your partner responds
Speaker 2: to feedback and responds to supporting you as to how
Speaker 2: you're going to be able to reconnect. Right if you
Speaker 2: feel hurt, you'll feel more connected. If he's putting an effort,
Speaker 2: you'll feel as though you have a partner who you've
Speaker 2: got a team player with, but right now you're just
Speaker 2: doing everything on your own. It's no wonder why you
Speaker 2: feel so fucking resentful.
Speaker 3: Well, guys, that is it from us. Thank you for
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