Speaker 1: Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands
Speaker 1: were never seated. We pay our respects to their elders
Speaker 1: past and present.
Speaker 2: Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land. This episode was
Speaker 2: recorded on Cameragle Land.
Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life
Speaker 1: un Cut. I'm Brittany and I'm Laura.
Speaker 2: Sorry I forgot to my phone on silent now I'm good, shocked, Yeah,
Speaker 2: I'm ready, do.
Speaker 3: Not disturb me.
Speaker 1: Do you know my favorite thing about you is your
Speaker 1: someone's phone on golf And Laura's like, someone's phone's on,
Speaker 1: and everyone looks at their phone and we're all on
Speaker 1: do not disturb, and she's like, what's mine?
Speaker 3: Every time.
Speaker 1: We're all like, it's not us. She's like, I can
Speaker 1: hear it. You're like everyone to know.
Speaker 2: That I'm popular and that indeed people do try and
Speaker 2: contact me.
Speaker 3: It happens. I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, what I don't know why this memory
Speaker 1: is flashing into my head. Oh god, when you said
Speaker 1: I want everyone to think I'm popular, guys, please think
Speaker 1: I'm popular. I think I might have told this on
Speaker 1: the podcast like four years ago. Has to have been
Speaker 1: at the beginning, I had been seeing this guy that
Speaker 1: I was obsessed with, that like couldn't care less about me.
Speaker 1: To be honest, I remember, I was like, I was
Speaker 1: so frustra It was hot, obviously, that's why I was
Speaker 1: obsessed with him more. And I was so frustrated by
Speaker 1: the way he treated me because he gave me enough
Speaker 1: to keep me going and pretended he was interested.
Speaker 2: Which one was he can we give him a give
Speaker 2: me a two words that would explain to me who
Speaker 2: he is.
Speaker 1: I can, but I also don't ever want him to
Speaker 1: hear what I'm about to say.
Speaker 3: He's not listening. He doesn't care about you, Brett. He
Speaker 3: never did.
Speaker 1: No, that's the thing he did.
Speaker 3: Okay, give me two words and we'll beat them.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah yeah. Anyway, very long on and off
Speaker 1: quote unquote relationship, but it wasn't anyway.
Speaker 3: So I remember you thought it was a relations He
Speaker 3: would let me go.
Speaker 1: He'd be like it's not for me, and then I
Speaker 1: would be like cool, then I'll move on with my
Speaker 1: life and he'd reared me back in and it was
Speaker 1: like that for years. Anyway. I remember this one time
Speaker 1: it was like getting to the end of this, it
Speaker 1: was going to be like a big blop, and I
Speaker 1: was like, okay, it's now whenever. So I remember changing
Speaker 1: my friend's name in my phone to this really hot
Speaker 1: famous person, and I said, I'm going to be meeting
Speaker 1: him for coffee at this time. I'm going to put
Speaker 1: my phone in the middle of the table message me
Speaker 1: multiple times. So this person's name pomps up. So do
Speaker 1: you know what I mean? I just faked.
Speaker 3: I just faked my friend. I just changed their name.
Speaker 1: So it looked like this hot famous guy kept messaging
Speaker 1: me in front of him, and I saw him look down,
Speaker 1: and then I was such a good actor. I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry, and I turned it and turned my
Speaker 1: phone over. But I knew that he had seen that
Speaker 1: we're coming through. It worked. He was back in. He
Speaker 1: was like, give it to me, Brittany, Okay, how hard
Speaker 1: did you go?
Speaker 4: Was it?
Speaker 3: Chatting Tatum? No, it was attainable.
Speaker 1: It was believable. It was a neighbor's star. It was
Speaker 1: to Robert.
Speaker 4: Someone from us Shift, Miguel, you got me.
Speaker 1: Larry's hot.
Speaker 2: Also, every single person I've mentioned has like a wife
Speaker 2: or a lovely girlfriend, so not attainable.
Speaker 1: It's like Timothy's shallow man, bit far shoot to the stars.
Speaker 1: It was someone that like I shouldn't have even say
Speaker 1: it attainable, but it was like it could have been
Speaker 1: a long shot on any good day.
Speaker 3: I need to know now who the attainable person is.
Speaker 1: Well, I can beat it again, you go.
Speaker 3: It was.
Speaker 1: Ah sex speak, all those names.
Speaker 3: Just my whole story is just going to be like
Speaker 3: beetep beep.
Speaker 1: Oh god, oh, guys, I wanted to say so.
Speaker 2: If you listen to Tuesday's episode, we talked about the
Speaker 2: cultural and social phenomenon that is Reagan. We did a
Speaker 2: deep dive, but we almost did like a premature deep dive,
Speaker 2: because we talked about it on Monday morning, when you know,
Speaker 2: there was quite a bit of information the news about it.
Speaker 2: She was already going very very viral the time. But
Speaker 2: that episode came out on Tuesday, and since then there's
Speaker 2: been developments And maybe Reygun is a scammer.
Speaker 1: Yeah, the Turner's tape, ray Gun the break dancing scammer. Well,
Speaker 1: let's not start the rumors in case they're not true.
Speaker 1: But there's some due diligence, some further due diligence that
Speaker 1: we do need to do here and the world needs
Speaker 1: to do. But some spicy little things are starting to
Speaker 1: come roll onto the dance floor.
Speaker 2: I mean, this is wild. Also, it's got fourteen thousand
Speaker 2: signatures right now. The goal is fifteen thousand, so they're
Speaker 2: almost there. They're actually there're on fourteen eight hundred and
Speaker 2: fifty eight signatures. So people really care about this. But
Speaker 2: it says hold reygun Rachel Gunn and Anna me is
Speaker 2: accountable for unethical conduct at the Olympic selection.
Speaker 4: I feel that you guys are kind of dancing around
Speaker 4: it just in case. But I don't mind kind of
Speaker 4: throwing myself under the bus if this does end up
Speaker 4: to not be correct.
Speaker 3: We're dancing around it so we don't get sued.
Speaker 4: And also I don't have as much to lose, so
Speaker 4: hang on, you do try and sue me, but I
Speaker 4: can claim bankruptcy.
Speaker 1: We get sued, not you. No, I'm dancing around it
Speaker 1: before we say it. This is allegedly. I'm dancing around
Speaker 1: it because the worst thing you can do to someone
Speaker 1: is go and publicly throw mud on them and accuse
Speaker 1: them of something if they didn't do it. So until
Speaker 1: we one hundred percent no, that is why I dance
Speaker 1: around it.
Speaker 4: Okay, so there's speculation, there's smoke and fire saying that
Speaker 4: she set up her own governing body, her husband was
Speaker 4: involved in the selection process, there was something to do
Speaker 4: with how there was access to the competition of which
Speaker 4: she was selected to then go on and represent Australia.
Speaker 4: It's just looking a bit cheap.
Speaker 2: When you say the governing body, you mean around the
Speaker 2: Olympic qualifiers. So that's why people are calling, Okay, maybe
Speaker 2: it didn't go to someone who was the best dancer
Speaker 2: in Australia when it comes to break dancing, and there
Speaker 2: was a lot of allowances that allowed her to get
Speaker 2: there in the first place.
Speaker 3: There is people mad on the internet yet, but I'd
Speaker 3: love to actually and this is why I don't want
Speaker 3: to accuse.
Speaker 1: I'd love to wait till the facts are out, because
Speaker 1: you don't just have a panel, a husband and wife panel,
Speaker 1: with one person that goes, oh, this is the one
Speaker 1: and there's evidently far superior athletes there. So there's definitely
Speaker 1: still questions around this. For me, it still doesn't add up,
Speaker 1: so I need to see receipts.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's looking as though there were issues with people
Speaker 4: who were actually very talented in this particular field who
Speaker 4: may have wanted to represent Australia being able to get
Speaker 4: to the qualifier events. There's a cultural element to this.
Speaker 4: A lot of people are, you know, saying that there's
Speaker 4: an element.
Speaker 1: Of cultural appropriation.
Speaker 4: But I do think it's important to point out that
Speaker 4: we recorded at eight am on Monday.
Speaker 1: A lot of this information wasn't.
Speaker 4: Widespread by then, and that's kind of why I feel
Speaker 4: like we're just saying there is.
Speaker 1: More now to present.
Speaker 4: If this information had been available and when we were recorded,
Speaker 4: maybe we.
Speaker 3: Would have had different opinions.
Speaker 2: Also, it's wild to me how much we've spoken about
Speaker 2: break dancing for something I've never talked about in my
Speaker 2: entire life. It's now dominated my existence the past four days.
Speaker 3: This person she haunts me in my sleep.
Speaker 1: I used to do it when I was a part
Speaker 1: of a youth group. I'm not gonna lie. I used
Speaker 1: to do that, the spin on the back.
Speaker 4: Well, we used to do it on Wednesdays and Fridays,
Speaker 4: but then I ended up going into the band instead.
Speaker 4: But break dancing, it was a big part of the
Speaker 4: church culture.
Speaker 3: I always thought I could be Olympian.
Speaker 1: So fine, do you know what it would be?
Speaker 2: I always thought I that's a lie. I actually don't
Speaker 2: have any stamina for anything. I could never go to
Speaker 2: the Olympics. You know how some people they had that
Speaker 2: fighting spirit that when they feel as though they should
Speaker 2: stop in their body, their brain takes over. Like I
Speaker 2: think of people like Ned Brockman, for example. I was
Speaker 2: born without that. When things get hard, I stop. When
Speaker 2: my body says, like you're tired, now, I go. I
Speaker 2: listen to you.
Speaker 1: I'm Ned Brockman inside, like that's who I want to be.
Speaker 1: You're competitive, very competitive. I think we give up soon.
Speaker 3: I'm tired.
Speaker 4: If there was an Olympic sport right now that you
Speaker 4: think you'd be most suited to, what would it be?
Speaker 1: Oh, I need to sleep think about that. That's not
Speaker 1: a sport.
Speaker 4: I want to be the guy.
Speaker 1: Was he Turkish?
Speaker 4: Used to be military guy, just went up with the gun.
Speaker 1: Do you know what silver? I know what I would
Speaker 1: have if I could go back into another life, I'd
Speaker 1: do tennis. I'd be a tennis player. That's interesting, dated one.
Speaker 1: I don't understand why that's awkward at all, just funny.
Speaker 1: That's what you you asked the question. I answered, That's
Speaker 1: what I think I would.
Speaker 3: I love playing tennis, and I think that that's what
Speaker 3: I'd want to do.
Speaker 1: I think I'd be good at it. I think I picked
Speaker 1: you guys great couples tennis back in the day. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he just came up. He was just in the Wimbledon final. Actually, Okay,
Speaker 1: that's a segway. Keep going. We might have been a
Speaker 1: great tennis couple, but we're not a couple. I'm in love.
Speaker 1: Cut all of that.
Speaker 2: But it's like everything I've said on this podcast, so.
Speaker 1: I don't exist to control altfully.
Speaker 3: Hi, guys, welcome back to another episode with Keisha and Laura.
Speaker 2: Okay, so we are here to answer your questions. I
Speaker 2: promise we're getting into that. There's just one more thing
Speaker 2: I want to do before we do unpack all.
Speaker 3: Of your troublesome troubles.
Speaker 2: So if you listen on Tuesday's episode as well, you
Speaker 2: would know that Britt is now moving to Romania.
Speaker 1: I live in Romania.
Speaker 3: She lives in Romania.
Speaker 2: I'm Romanian and moving to Romania. Well no, but I mean, Ben,
Speaker 2: look you your beautiful fiance. He's now living in Romania,
Speaker 2: which means that you'll be spending a lot of time there,
Speaker 2: and it's a country that you seem to know absolutely
Speaker 2: nothing about.
Speaker 3: Except that's where Dracula is, except that you taught me that.
Speaker 2: Except Dracula came from Romania, from Transylvania.
Speaker 1: So actually one edition here. I know you're going somewhere
Speaker 1: with it. But my favorite part of the other day
Speaker 1: was Keisha saying, isn't Dracula a mosquito? That's what Keisha said.
Speaker 1: I feel like we need that quote taken and put somewhere. Anyway, continued,
Speaker 1: I said, he was like a mosquito.
Speaker 4: You can see where the parallels are. Vampires and mosquitos
Speaker 4: both suck blood.
Speaker 1: But he's a bat. I didn't know it was a
Speaker 1: bad He moved to Romania, which is where Dracula is from.
Speaker 2: As a fun fact, dracular Aara not real but no,
Speaker 2: but he's based on a real person.
Speaker 3: But it's the But where.
Speaker 1: He's from is real, which is Transylvania. In Romania, Dracula,
Speaker 1: I think he thrives in a colder environment, but it
Speaker 1: does get really cold in the winter there.
Speaker 3: What does he do in summer?
Speaker 1: I think he doesn't go out at night. Dracula is
Speaker 1: a night animal. Isn't that the whole point?
Speaker 4: I'm not It's kind of like a mosquito, isn't he mosquito?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: I went up about Dracula.
Speaker 3: He's about my bat. I don't know how you guys
Speaker 3: don't know about Dracula. Where the fuck did you grow up?
Speaker 2: I think it's important to know some fun facts about
Speaker 2: the place that you're going to be moving to.
Speaker 3: And we're going to miss you when you live in Romania. Britt,
Speaker 3: it's been good so far.
Speaker 1: Am I going to die in Romania?
Speaker 2: Okay, here's one that one of our beautiful life has
Speaker 2: sent us, she said. Britt needs to know what's going
Speaker 2: down in Romania. So the country is home to eight
Speaker 2: thousand brown bears, according to the Environmental Ministry, Europe's largest
Speaker 2: brown bear population outside of Russia. Bears have killed twenty
Speaker 2: six people and severely injured them two hundred and seventy
Speaker 2: four others over the past twenty years.
Speaker 3: That's a long time.
Speaker 1: There were bears in Romania.
Speaker 3: So people are dropping dead from bears in Romania?
Speaker 1: Are they where ben is? Yeah?
Speaker 3: They're everywhere. The place is infested with brown mes So
Speaker 3: what am I supposed to do? And bats?
Speaker 2: It was the first city to have electric street lamps
Speaker 2: in Europe, so they're advanced.
Speaker 1: They're super fast and it is rapid. They're fast advanced.
Speaker 4: One thing you will love is that Romania is one
Speaker 4: of the countries with the fastest internet speed. It has
Speaker 4: the sixth fastest internet speed in the world.
Speaker 1: Wow, so I can record from there, we can reach you.
Speaker 1: We'll be able to get down the line real quick.
Speaker 4: Okay, it'll just buffer on our end. It's Australian Internet.
Speaker 4: So shit.
Speaker 2: It also has and this is one of the tourist
Speaker 2: landmarks that apparently everyone needs to go and visit when
Speaker 2: they're in Romania. Romania has one of the happiest cemeteries
Speaker 2: in the world.
Speaker 1: It is called the Merry Cemetery.
Speaker 2: And all the tombstones are decorated colorfully and have poetry
Speaker 2: or they have like funny jokes to try and relate
Speaker 2: back to the person who's in them.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, but that screams Brittany as the person heads
Speaker 1: with a joke. That is cool, man, it's nice. That
Speaker 1: is the kind of cemetery I think should be everywhere
Speaker 1: around the world.
Speaker 3: Oh, it's only in Romania. Sorry. You know what's not.
Speaker 4: Only in Romania?
Speaker 3: What Little Paris Book Arrest.
Speaker 4: Its nickname is Little Paris because they built an Arcta
Speaker 4: Triumph in nineteen thirty five.
Speaker 1: I've seen it all after in real life. No Ben
Speaker 1: lives near the Arkda Triumph, the fake one.
Speaker 2: It always surprises me when countries do that, when they
Speaker 2: build like something from another country inside them.
Speaker 3: It's like you never have to leave.
Speaker 1: We have it all here, here's our little Paris version Vegas.
Speaker 3: It's so weak.
Speaker 1: He's fake countries everywhere. Yeah, anyway you feel like you're
Speaker 1: in there. There's even a fake sky.
Speaker 2: Chloe just wanted to make you feel a little bit
Speaker 2: more at home with some very interesting Romania facts.
Speaker 1: I don't know if that makes me feel at home.
Speaker 1: By being like sober, you're probably going to die by
Speaker 1: a brown bear. But if you do die, you can
Speaker 1: have a joke on your headstone about the brown bear,
Speaker 1: about the I actually have a joke about a bear.
Speaker 3: What is it?
Speaker 1: How do you coax a bear out of a tree?
Speaker 3: I don't know, with some honey, with camon bear, You
Speaker 3: and your fucking cheese jokes.
Speaker 1: I'm not even giving you a laugh.
Speaker 4: No, I'm not even giving you a giggle.
Speaker 3: What do you call a bear without any teeth?
Speaker 1: Bare mouth?
Speaker 3: A gummy bear?
Speaker 1: I'm not laughing back at a principle. I'm not giving
Speaker 1: you a laugh.
Speaker 3: Okay, let's get into vibes onswer.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna kick it off today because I have a
Speaker 2: vibe that I want everyone to get behind.
Speaker 1: Great.
Speaker 2: It's very insular vibe. It has come from within my
Speaker 2: home and I'm extremely proud of my husband, So Matt
Speaker 2: and his podcast partner Ash Wicks, who have the podcast
Speaker 2: Two Doting Dads. You guys might have heard of it.
Speaker 2: It's fabulous, especially for any parents out there who just
Speaker 2: want to listen to, you know, the normal trials and
Speaker 2: tribulations of parenting, the relatable shit. They have written a
Speaker 2: kid's book and it's called Two Doting Dads The Quest
Speaker 2: for Free Time.
Speaker 3: It came out yesterday.
Speaker 2: It is available in all Good bookstores and all Terrible bookstores.
Speaker 1: They will sell it anywhere that you can buy a
Speaker 1: book from.
Speaker 3: What's it about it?
Speaker 1: So like two dads that don't want to be there.
Speaker 2: There are two dads who are in the park with
Speaker 2: their children and they're reminiscing about life before they had kids,
Speaker 2: how it was so easy for them to do things
Speaker 2: together as friends. And then they devise a plan. So
Speaker 2: that they can go and spend time together just the
Speaker 2: two of them. But then all of the tribulations of
Speaker 2: being a parent get in the way, like one of
Speaker 2: the men's up in hospital because they've stepped on legook
Speaker 2: too much detail ends up having a puna.
Speaker 1: The book now just tell us what it's mostly, don't
Speaker 1: ruin the plot.
Speaker 2: No, But the reason why it's really sweet is because
Speaker 2: at the end of the book, the two dads end
Speaker 2: up being able to spend time together without the kids,
Speaker 2: and then they have the realization that the only place
Speaker 2: they want to be is together but with their children.
Speaker 2: Stop it you'd be really sweet. And yeah, I think
Speaker 2: they've done such a great job. It's such a funny, humorous,
Speaker 2: beautiful kids book. And also it's one where I think
Speaker 2: so many kids books suck because they're great for kids,
Speaker 2: but actually the parents are really find them really boring.
Speaker 2: It's one where as a parent you will enjoy reading it.
Speaker 2: So go and get it. Two darning dads a quest
Speaker 2: for free time, and I'm so proud of Matt go
Speaker 2: tell wonderfully.
Speaker 4: Is my vibe for this week? Is the movie that
Speaker 4: every single person is talking about. I went and saw
Speaker 4: it last Thursday. It is the movie it ends with us,
Speaker 4: starring Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni. It was initially a
Speaker 4: book by Colin Hoover.
Speaker 1: It was read by half.
Speaker 4: Of the world, like it was so popular, and I
Speaker 4: haven't read the book, but Beck, my friend who I
Speaker 4: went with to the movies to go and see it,
Speaker 4: she had initially before this was turned into a movie.
Speaker 4: When they were filming the scenes, there was a lot
Speaker 4: of criticism of the fact that the original storyline involves
Speaker 4: a twenty three year old girl, and so what plays
Speaker 4: out it's not a rom com, even though when you
Speaker 4: kind of look at the imagery and the stuff that's
Speaker 4: being used to promote the book, I thought it was
Speaker 4: going to be more of a rom com than it was.
Speaker 4: But I was aware of the theme of the movie
Speaker 4: before I went in, and I actually think that for
Speaker 4: anyone who is going to see it, you probably need
Speaker 4: to be because it wasn't what I expected romantic drama.
Speaker 4: The theme of the book and of the movie is
Speaker 4: domestic violence, and it shows kind of the complexities about
Speaker 4: these relationships, of abusive relationships, of how they can seem
Speaker 4: to be one thing and then they can turn into another.
Speaker 4: I really really liked the movie and not liked as
Speaker 4: in like I thought it was such a good time
Speaker 4: to watch. I think for anyone who has experienced any
Speaker 4: forms of violence or abuse, the word triggering I think
Speaker 4: gets thrown around a little bit too much. But I
Speaker 4: actually do think you need to be warned that there
Speaker 4: will be scenes in the movie that are confronting, because
Speaker 4: I think if you're someone who has experienced that, you
Speaker 4: know what comes next. I think they walked the line
Speaker 4: really well for an audience who were much more likely
Speaker 4: to be victims rather than perpetrators. I thought the acting
Speaker 4: was really good. I put up a story last Thursday
Speaker 4: after I saw the movie, and I got so many
Speaker 4: messages from life on cut listeners being like, oh my gosh,
Speaker 4: what did you think? There are criticisms. One of the
Speaker 4: main criticisms is that the power dynamic doesn't fit as
Speaker 4: well in the movie as what it did in the book,
Speaker 4: because Blake Lively is obviously not twenty three, so that
Speaker 4: was an additional part. I actually think that they kind
Speaker 4: of adapted really well in that way, so that that
Speaker 4: wasn't something that played out so much in the movie.
Speaker 4: There's a lot of press at the moment about Justin
Speaker 4: Baldoni not getting on with the cast and different reasons
Speaker 4: that they might be feuding. There's criticism over the fact
Speaker 4: that Blake Lively has launched a hair care line and
Speaker 4: she's saying things like where your florals, get your girlfriends
Speaker 4: together and go and see the movie when it's about
Speaker 4: domestic violence. Yeah, I don't really know where I land
Speaker 4: on that. I thought it was a really good movie
Speaker 4: to help people understand that domestic violence relationships, there are moments,
Speaker 4: and there are reasons that people stay, and there are
Speaker 4: reasons that people still love perpetrators, and I thought that
Speaker 4: the movie actually showed that in a really, really good way.
Speaker 3: Oh it's so good.
Speaker 2: I've seen so much press around it, but genuinely haven't.
Speaker 2: I mean, I haven't seen it yet, obviously, And I
Speaker 2: knew a little bit about the book because I started
Speaker 2: it then didn't finish it. But I know at the
Speaker 2: time it was a real TikTok sensation of a book.
Speaker 2: So it's always interesting to see how films adapt something
Speaker 2: that is so well loved and so well read. It's
Speaker 2: good to know that, not that you can have the comparison,
Speaker 2: but it's good to know that as someone who's coming
Speaker 2: to it just as a movie.
Speaker 4: You enjoyed it, Yeah, And I think that whenever there
Speaker 4: are books that are that popular turned into movies, people
Speaker 4: are automatically going to be critical because they've painted an
Speaker 4: idea of what they think a character is going to be,
Speaker 4: and then they see it on a screen they go,
Speaker 4: that's not what I pitch it totally. So there are
Speaker 4: a lot of criticisms about the adaptation. My friend beck
Speaker 4: she thought it was a good adaptation.
Speaker 2: It's the same with I know everyone got really obsessed
Speaker 2: with One Day because One Day is a very very
Speaker 2: famous book, and I would say the characters weren't the
Speaker 2: way in which I envisaged them in the series. If
Speaker 2: you guys watched it everyone was talking about a few
Speaker 2: months ago, but they were different. But I absolutely loved
Speaker 2: the adaptation, even though they weren't the way that I
Speaker 2: pictured them to be.
Speaker 1: My Vibe this Week is probably one of my favorite
Speaker 1: podcast episodes I have ever listened to ever. It is
Speaker 1: from Stephen Bartlett's diar over CEO, who you guys might
Speaker 1: have listened to the episode we had Stephen Barlin on
Speaker 1: our podcast. It is with a man named Francis Enganal.
Speaker 1: He is a man from Cameroon in Central Africa. He
Speaker 1: was the UFC heavyweight champion. He was a boxer and
Speaker 1: a UFC fighter, both of them mixed martial arts. He
Speaker 1: did it all, but his story is probably the most
Speaker 1: inspirational and powerful story that I have ever heard. He
Speaker 1: grew up in Central Africa so poor, with an abusive father,
Speaker 1: and he decided at like ten years old that he
Speaker 1: wanted to fight. He's like, I wanted to be a fighter,
Speaker 1: but there was no gym, no training facility, nothing anywhere.
Speaker 1: He was so determined that he he's like, I need
Speaker 1: to get out of here. So he started working at
Speaker 1: like twelve years old in a mine, Save Safe, Saved.
Speaker 1: And then it's his story of walking, driving across Africa,
Speaker 1: across the Sahara Desert, getting in the ocean and trying
Speaker 1: to swim, trying across the ocean by a dinghy six times.
Speaker 1: Eventually he makes it to Europe with like zero money.
Speaker 1: He has nothing and no one, and he finds a
Speaker 1: gym and goes in nothing and says, I want to fight.
Speaker 1: What can I do? They told him, and he's like,
Speaker 1: I can't afford that. They're like, let me speak to
Speaker 1: a coach and they let him train for free. This
Speaker 1: man that didn't owe him anything, put him up in
Speaker 1: an apartment and they trained him and trained him and
Speaker 1: trained him and trained him, and he ended up becoming
Speaker 1: the heavyweight champion of the world.
Speaker 3: That's amazing, what a story.
Speaker 1: It gets even more incredible. The way he looks and
Speaker 1: his personality are two polar opposite things. The things that
Speaker 1: he has been through that is surface level. The things
Speaker 1: that this man has been through is something that you
Speaker 1: just wouldn't want to wish upon anyone. And then recently
Speaker 1: he lost his fifteen month old son. But his story
Speaker 1: and the way he speaks is the most powerful thing
Speaker 1: I've ever heard. And I left that thinking, my God,
Speaker 1: like he's the definition of if you want something and
Speaker 1: dream and work hard enough and don't give up, that
Speaker 1: you can get it. Like That's how I felt when
Speaker 1: I left.
Speaker 4: I think it's also interesting when you hear stories like
Speaker 4: that and you think about the people who didn't have
Speaker 4: to help, but did.
Speaker 1: That's what I meant. I left thinking one person being
Speaker 1: kind for no reason changed his entire existence. Yeah, he
Speaker 1: didn't have to do anything. It was just a random
Speaker 1: off the street that had nothing. It was like, please
Speaker 1: let me train for free? Like who would have said
Speaker 1: yes to that? So anyway, that's my recommendation. It came
Speaker 1: out last week on the eighth. It's Diary of CEO
Speaker 1: with Stephen Bartlett and the episode is Francis Engernell Wonderful.
Speaker 4: You want to get into the question, Yeah.
Speaker 3: Question number one. I've been with my boyfriend for five
Speaker 3: years now.
Speaker 2: I have kids, he doesn't, and I've always felt like
Speaker 2: he's my best mate, not necessarily my penguin. But at
Speaker 2: the same time, it's been five years, we've put in
Speaker 2: the work, and my kids now adore him. His best
Speaker 2: friend moved in with us over a year ago. I
Speaker 2: obviously noticed that this man was attractive, and I've known
Speaker 2: him for a long time, but I was happy and
Speaker 2: content with my partner and thought, you know, it's just
Speaker 2: normal to appreciate someone else's good looks. Until he messaged
Speaker 2: me one night I was at work and he had
Speaker 2: been drinking. It said, hey, please don't repeat when I'm
Speaker 2: about to tell you.
Speaker 1: All that never starts well, does it.
Speaker 2: He goes on to tell me that he finds me
Speaker 2: here is this and the reason he chose to take
Speaker 2: a five fo three days on one day off was
Speaker 2: because he struggles to be alone with me. He said
Speaker 2: he thinks about me NonStop. I would be lying if
Speaker 2: I said I didn't feel the lost. I went home,
Speaker 2: I slept it off, and I felt so guilty that
Speaker 2: I did show my boyfriend the messages.
Speaker 1: He kind of just said, oh wow, he.
Speaker 2: Was thinking with the wrong body part, isn't he and
Speaker 2: has since pretended like it never happened. Now I'm in
Speaker 2: a tailspin. I dream about this man. He creeps into
Speaker 2: my mind constantly. He comes home in a week, and
Speaker 2: I've tried gently suggesting to my boyfriend that he really
Speaker 2: needs to move out. Obviously, I haven't told him that
Speaker 2: I'm attracted to his best friend, but I just said.
Speaker 1: That it's just a bit awkward for me.
Speaker 2: Now, my partner has replied that the extra income is
Speaker 2: helpful and he probably won't try anything.
Speaker 3: Fuck This guy sounds like an idiot.
Speaker 2: But what he doesn't know is that his friend has
Speaker 2: also messaged me since telling me that he's sorry.
Speaker 3: However, I am just so beautiful and kind.
Speaker 2: How I'm the sweetest person that he knows, and he
Speaker 2: can't help but think about me. I truly think that
Speaker 2: I'm feeling this way because after five years of being
Speaker 2: a full time working mom, I feel invisible to my family,
Speaker 2: So having a man call me irresistible is truly just
Speaker 2: a thrill. I do not want to go against my
Speaker 2: morals and destroy someone's trust, but I'm really not sure
Speaker 2: how to navigate this. Should I be looking at this
Speaker 2: as a sign that I'm unfulfilled in my relationship and
Speaker 2: maybe it's time to move on, or is this a
Speaker 2: normal reaction to having an attractive man show me attention.
Speaker 1: There is nothing normal about this situation, and I want
Speaker 1: to say that by putting a full stop after every word,
Speaker 1: like there is nothing more that is. Boyfriend is the
Speaker 1: most complacent man I've ever heard in my life.
Speaker 3: This okay he needs to or I just can't believe it.
Speaker 1: If my partner if I was like, yo, like, you're
Speaker 1: bestie and the guy that sleeps in the other room
Speaker 1: he wants to have sex with me, he said, I'm irresistible. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and he can't not resist me. He can't resist me,
Speaker 1: he can't stop thinking about me. He wants me, And
Speaker 1: my partner was like, oh, he's probably not want to
Speaker 1: try it.
Speaker 3: It's cool.
Speaker 2: I don't think anyone's described me as irresistible in a
Speaker 2: long time.
Speaker 3: It's been a long time.
Speaker 1: Okay. The short answer of this is, if you want
Speaker 1: your relationship to survive, he needs to go immediately, needs
Speaker 1: to go, and you don't have to make it a
Speaker 1: big blow up. But like, he cannot stay in the
Speaker 1: same house. He cannot stay, he cannot stay. And when
Speaker 1: you said, actually, there's a part of the question where
Speaker 1: you were like, he creeps into my at night, he
Speaker 1: said he creeps into my mind at night, and I
Speaker 1: thought the sentence was going to go he crips into
Speaker 1: my bed at night, and I was like, well, there's
Speaker 1: nothing normal about this. Like, the only thing that is
Speaker 1: normal is that you feel good knowing that someone's attracted
Speaker 1: to you. That is a really normal thing, especially when
Speaker 1: you feel unseen and underappreciated in your relationship. If you
Speaker 1: haven't felt like you've got a few kids, two kids,
Speaker 1: and you've been together a long time, if you haven't
Speaker 1: felt that spice and desire in your own relationship, which
Speaker 1: chances are you're not because your partner couldn't care less.
Speaker 1: If someone else wants to fuck you, then totally, then
Speaker 1: I think that it's so normal, like everyone, it's human
Speaker 1: nature to feel wanted and appreciated and if anything, to
Speaker 1: feel seen. And it sounds like this guy sees you,
Speaker 1: and I wonder if that is tricking you into thinking
Speaker 1: you want something with him, like a chemistry trick, because
Speaker 1: chemistry can be pretty tricky. Say tricky again, Britt, chemistry.
Speaker 3: Can be pretty tricky.
Speaker 2: I look, I don't want to I don't want to
Speaker 2: come into hot in terms of like criticizing your partner,
Speaker 2: because I think some people would look at this situation
Speaker 2: and go, would your partner has so much trust in
Speaker 2: you that that's something that's admirable, Like he trusts that
Speaker 2: you are never going to do anything that goes against
Speaker 2: the foundation of the relationship that you've built together. And
Speaker 2: he also just kind of trusts his friend in a way,
Speaker 2: I guess, and he's like.
Speaker 1: Well, that's the problem.
Speaker 2: But totally there's a sense of naivity, there's a sense
Speaker 2: of complacency in there. But also I do agree with you,
Speaker 2: Britt in saying that it's no wonder to me that
Speaker 2: there is no desire. And it's not because I expect
Speaker 2: my partner to have jealousy, but I would expect my
Speaker 2: partner to care if their friend was showing interest in me,
Speaker 2: sexual interest, I would expect them to have some sort
Speaker 2: of response to that, some sort of sense of protection,
Speaker 2: some sort of sense of like, you know, no, I'm
Speaker 2: going to prioritize our relationship and our intimacy over my
Speaker 2: friend who's literally trying to have sex with my girlfriend,
Speaker 2: or is you know, behaving inappropriately and creating a situation
Speaker 2: that's uncomfortable in our own house. The complacency pisces me
Speaker 2: off right, and I think, yeah, be careful about looking
Speaker 2: at it as though, oh my god, we trust each
Speaker 2: other so much. I don't think that that is kind
Speaker 2: of that.
Speaker 1: To me is weird. It's not the trust thing. Trust
Speaker 1: doesn't come into this for me. It's not, Yeah, you're
Speaker 1: not caring that your friend.
Speaker 3: Has gone behind your back in your house.
Speaker 1: A house that he has given you. He's gone behind
Speaker 1: your back to message your wife and say I want
Speaker 1: to be with you. I can't stop thinking about you,
Speaker 1: but please don't tell anyone totally. And that's why I'm like,
Speaker 1: it's complacency. So if he is that complacent around that situation,
Speaker 1: how complacent is he in the relationship in total?
Speaker 3: I mean, from all the.
Speaker 2: Conversations we've had on this podcast before, Esther Perella is
Speaker 2: the first person who comes to mind, because she's someone
Speaker 2: who speaks so well on the concept of desire. You've
Speaker 2: literally said, after five years, I feel invisible to my family.
Speaker 1: There is no desire in your relationship.
Speaker 2: If you feel invisible, if you feel unseen, your needs
Speaker 2: are not being met. So it is no surprise to
Speaker 2: me that when someone is showing you a level of
Speaker 2: attraction of intimacy, telling you that you're beautiful, that you're irresistible,
Speaker 2: that you are fantasizing about them, course of course you are.
Speaker 2: In no way do I blame you for having those thoughts,
Speaker 2: And I think that you have navigated this in the
Speaker 2: best way so far because you haven't cheated on your husband,
Speaker 2: you haven't done anything wrong. But there does have to
Speaker 2: be some boundaries that put in place, and there has
Speaker 2: to be some conversations that I had, like honest, honest conversations,
Speaker 2: because otherwise nothing's going to change. And then this whole
Speaker 2: situation is just put on you to resist temptation rather
Speaker 2: than it being something that you can work through together
Speaker 2: with your partner. So I would say, first thing, he
Speaker 2: has to go. If you're like, Okay, this is just temptation.
Speaker 2: You cannot stay living in the same house as him,
Speaker 2: because there's no way that you're going to be able
Speaker 2: to repair your relationship with your current partner if he's
Speaker 2: still living there. But also it does require a sense
Speaker 2: of honesty and a sense of communication which will be
Speaker 2: hurtful to your current partner around.
Speaker 3: This is the situation.
Speaker 2: This is how I feel, and I know I'm not
Speaker 2: attracted to him, but I feel as though the attention
Speaker 2: makes me feel something.
Speaker 3: And I think it's because I'm not getting that attention
Speaker 3: from you.
Speaker 1: But also, it's your house too. You don't have to
Speaker 1: subtly suggest that maybe the person that's sneaking around behind
Speaker 1: your partner's back and hitting on you in your own
Speaker 1: house should go. Like that doesn't have to be subtle.
Speaker 1: You are uncomfortable in your house, but it doesn't matter why.
Speaker 1: You don't have to tiptoe around with your partner. You
Speaker 1: just say to him, I'm uncomfortable now. We are fine
Speaker 1: without the extra money, or we can find someone else,
Speaker 1: but I don't feel comfortable in my house knowing that
Speaker 1: he is there.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: The other thing I think is put yourself in this situation.
Speaker 1: If that was your friend, a female friend that you
Speaker 1: were renting the room to, and she had message to
Speaker 1: your husband and said, hey, whenever Sally's gone, like, I
Speaker 1: just can't something about you. I want to be with you.
Speaker 1: I know what's wrong, Please don't tell her. If you
Speaker 1: had found out your friend had done that under your
Speaker 1: roof to your husband, I can guarantee you your response
Speaker 1: would be different, and your response is probably the response
Speaker 1: it should be. Like if I gave Keisha a room
Speaker 1: and then found out she was trying to bang Ben
Speaker 1: can imagine there's not bring me into this, no, but.
Speaker 3: It's an example like if your friend, if your good friend.
Speaker 1: If I had to give you a room Keisha, and
Speaker 1: no part of me thinks you'll Ben on record. If
Speaker 1: I gave you a room because you were stuck and
Speaker 1: then I found out you'd been messaging my husband or
Speaker 1: fiance saying that like when I'm out, you want to
Speaker 1: bang him? Imagine like, no normal person, unless they're aiming
Speaker 1: for a threesome, it's going to be okay with.
Speaker 2: That, or unless they don't care, unless that he's going
Speaker 2: exactly this is the thing, and this is why you
Speaker 2: feel undesired because that response from your partner indicates that
Speaker 2: he has partly checked out, he doesn't care. That's why
Speaker 2: you feel disappointed because the response is so unreasonable. The
Speaker 2: response is so lacking a normal sense of setting boundaries
Speaker 2: within a relationship that it is not surprising.
Speaker 3: To me that there is no desire in your relationship.
Speaker 2: So that's why I think there has to be some
Speaker 2: hard conversations that have had And I know you say
Speaker 2: you haven't. You've told him parts you showed in the messages.
Speaker 2: I'm glad you showed in the messages to start with.
Speaker 2: But this now is at a point where either you're
Speaker 2: going to be living in your house in such a
Speaker 2: high stress environment because anytime your housemate comes in, you're
Speaker 2: going to have that like or like the elephant in
Speaker 2: the room anxiety, which is an awful way to live.
Speaker 2: Your house should be a place of like harmony, peace
Speaker 2: and comfort. It shouldn't be a place where you're walking
Speaker 2: on eggshells or you're you're frantically feeling anything inside around
Speaker 2: like being around someone. So the conversation has to be
Speaker 2: your friend has to move out, like this is where
Speaker 2: we're at. This does not sit well with me. I
Speaker 2: don't feel comfortable anymore for X y Z reasons. You
Speaker 2: can go into as much or as little as you
Speaker 2: want to, but then there has to be a conversation
Speaker 2: with your partner around this feeling of invisibility, and if
Speaker 2: that hasn't changed, or that doesn't change, then you can't
Speaker 2: stay in this relationship because it is not normal to
Speaker 2: get to the five year mark and have kids and
Speaker 2: feel invisible. And I know a lot of women do,
Speaker 2: and I know a lot of mums especially feel invisible
Speaker 2: in their families. That's not normal, and just because it
Speaker 2: happens shouldn't mean that it's accepted and shouldn't mean that
Speaker 2: we go all well, it happens to other people, so therefore,
Speaker 2: you know, maybe I should just be okay with the
Speaker 2: fact that we've been together so long now, and you know,
Speaker 2: my husband doesn't really make me feel as though he
Speaker 2: cares about me or is thrilled about me. It's like
Speaker 2: you're accepting the behavior and that's why it's continuing.
Speaker 1: I don't want to say that you will do this,
Speaker 1: but I do want to say you are far more
Speaker 1: likely to end up cheating. Yeah, you will if he
Speaker 1: stays in your house, because if he's not there, and
Speaker 1: he texts you do with that what you will? BITDP
Speaker 1: is in the lounge room and you're in the kitchen
Speaker 1: and your husband's not there, and he's been flirting with
Speaker 1: you NonStop, little brushes, little touches. You feel neglected in
Speaker 1: your relationship, you are far more likely to accept those advances.
Speaker 2: One hundred and because you know that this wasn't a
Speaker 2: drunken attempt. You know that this wasn't just him thinking
Speaker 2: with his willy as your partner brushed it off like
Speaker 2: we're so stupid. You know that this is something that
Speaker 2: runs deeper for him, and it's how he feels about you,
Speaker 2: and you're now because of that attention, you're building.
Speaker 3: Feelings based off chemistry.
Speaker 2: Even though those feelings aren't necessarily real, they will become
Speaker 2: very real, very very quickly, and that will be so
Speaker 2: hard for you to navigate when you get to a
Speaker 2: place where you're like, oh fuck, I'm in love with
Speaker 2: my housemate who's my partner's best friend.
Speaker 1: That's where you're headache. That's what will happen. Yeah, and also,
Speaker 1: don't feel like you have to work it out with
Speaker 1: your partner either if it's not there as well, and
Speaker 1: that's a decision you make. That's also okay, But like
Speaker 1: you're not going to just walk out and be with
Speaker 1: the friend. But it's a discussion. I have a spiciest banner.
Speaker 3: What if? Have we started hypotheticals here? Yeah, this is
Speaker 3: a hypothetical.
Speaker 1: What if?
Speaker 3: What if she does? What if she goes? Okay?
Speaker 2: I'm not getting this what I need from my partner,
Speaker 2: and I'm ready to blow my fucking life up into
Speaker 2: a million pieces. Maybe she likes the drama, maybe she
Speaker 2: likes the red flags. What happens if she goes okay,
Speaker 2: I'm done. I feel this strongly about my housemate. I'm
Speaker 2: gonna see what happens. How do you navigate that?
Speaker 1: It sounds like the husband wouldn't care anyway, to be honest, No,
Speaker 1: honestly we joke.
Speaker 3: Don't do that, but good luck. No, don't do that.
Speaker 3: Don't fuck that house making.
Speaker 1: No, unless there's a lot of time in between and
Speaker 1: you've left your partner and you think that he's the one,
Speaker 1: it can't just be sex. It has to because you
Speaker 1: think there's something to it, all right. Question number two,
Speaker 1: how do I tell the bride and groom of a
Speaker 1: wedding that I'm attending later this year that the bridal
Speaker 1: party outfit they have chosen for me is awful and
Speaker 1: I do not want to wear it in no capacity.
Speaker 1: Keep in mind, they also ask me to pay for it,
Speaker 1: so now that's about of pocket for a dress that
Speaker 1: I hate. I live in a different state to them,
Speaker 1: so I had to order online without trying the outfit
Speaker 1: on before I bought it. It is unflattering, does not
Speaker 1: suit my shape, and I feel very uncomfortable in it.
Speaker 1: I did not want to.
Speaker 3: Wear this in public. Shit really is doubling down.
Speaker 1: I don't want to wear it in public, let alone
Speaker 1: in front of a crowd of people that I know
Speaker 1: at a wedding. I had suggested early on that if
Speaker 1: I'm paying for it, could I please buy a nice
Speaker 1: dress in the color that they would like, one that
Speaker 1: I would be likely to wear again. They insisted, however,
Speaker 1: that they want everyone to be uniform. Do I have
Speaker 1: to just suck it up as a day is not
Speaker 1: about me? Also, this is a destination wedding, so I'm
Speaker 1: already spending thousands on travel and accommodation to attend.
Speaker 2: That to me is shit behavior from your friend when
Speaker 2: you get married, And I know that this is going
Speaker 2: to trigger some people. I'm very, very sorry if this
Speaker 2: was how you navigated your wedding. But the most important
Speaker 2: thing to me is that my friends feel comfortable. And
Speaker 2: no one is the same body shape, no one is
Speaker 2: the same size. I would never want someone to be
Speaker 2: standing next to me feeling uncomfortable, exposed as though they
Speaker 2: didn't you know, they weren't wearing something that even remotely
Speaker 2: complimented them, and I made them pay for it simply
Speaker 2: because my desire for uniformity outweighed their desire for confidence
Speaker 2: and peace of mind. I think, firstly that for shitty
Speaker 2: mentality that your friend had, so like, that's how I
Speaker 2: feel about that.
Speaker 3: How do you navigate it now?
Speaker 2: I would be honest, I would say, like, I receive
Speaker 2: the dress online, it really doesn't fit me properly, and
Speaker 2: I don't think I can wear this. And I know
Speaker 2: that you have an idea around what you want, but
Speaker 2: is there any chance that you would be okay with
Speaker 2: me getting something goal or maybe there's a different fit
Speaker 2: from the same designer, Because like a lot of people
Speaker 2: these days, when you get a bridesmaid's dress, they will
Speaker 2: get it from the one place they shown a Joy
Speaker 2: for example, it's the perfect example of like a place
Speaker 2: to get a bridesmaid's dress from because they'll have the
Speaker 2: same color, but then they'll have so many different shapes
Speaker 2: and cuts so that anyone can choose a dress that
Speaker 2: will fit their body shape rather than it just fitting
Speaker 2: the theme of the wedding.
Speaker 3: Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: I completely agree. I think when I think, oh, of
Speaker 1: my wedding, the first thing that I would think of
Speaker 1: is that they can pick what they want.
Speaker 3: Like even with my sister, I've already said to her,
Speaker 3: what color do you.
Speaker 1: Want to wear? Because she's my maid of honor totally,
Speaker 1: what dress length? How do you envision it? And she's like, well,
Speaker 1: why don't you give me a guide of the color
Speaker 1: thing you want? And I was like, I almost don't care.
Speaker 1: I'm almost like, as long as you're happy.
Speaker 2: Well, usually, I mean, maybe I'm wrong, but I usually
Speaker 2: think that the bride's made conversation around what everyone's wearing.
Speaker 2: It usually happens as a group. It's usually not just
Speaker 2: something that the bride dictates down and says, this is
Speaker 2: what everyone is wearing. But usually you have a WhatsApp
Speaker 2: group and everyone's kind of like in there and having
Speaker 2: a chat, like, what do you think of this option?
Speaker 3: What do you think of this option? No, I think
Speaker 3: it's I think there's two sort of parties here.
Speaker 1: I think one's that where there's the more lax bride
Speaker 1: that's working for her bridesmaids, and then there's the bride
Speaker 1: that's like, knows what her wedding is to a tea,
Speaker 1: she's probably had those dresses picked out for eternity. But
Speaker 1: my question is I also agree. I think you're right back,
Speaker 1: and you say I've never been more uncomfortable in my life. Like,
Speaker 1: say what you say to us, but a bit more diplomatically,
Speaker 1: Just say like, I am thoroughly uncomfortable. There is no
Speaker 1: part of me that wants to wear this. Like, what
Speaker 1: are the options here? Do you think we could try?
Speaker 1: Just ask her? My question, law is what happens then
Speaker 1: if the bride says no, can you pull out of
Speaker 1: the bridle party?
Speaker 2: Well, look, I have one other feeling before I get
Speaker 2: to that part, because I think you can pull out
Speaker 2: of the bridal party, but I do think it'll cause
Speaker 2: a rift, and I think it would be upsetting for everyone.
Speaker 2: I guess the other part of this is the expectation
Speaker 2: that some brides have for their bridesmaids to self purchase
Speaker 2: a dress that they're never gonna wear again. I think
Speaker 2: that that's an unreasonable request and we need to stop
Speaker 2: doing that.
Speaker 1: That's super standard, though you do you think, no, I
Speaker 1: know it is. That is how it is, and I
Speaker 1: don't necessarily agree with it at all, But that's historically
Speaker 1: that's what happens. The bride's maids get center dress. Sometimes
Speaker 1: it's like half is compensated by the bride, but usually
Speaker 1: it's like, hey, this will be the dress. If you
Speaker 1: could purchase it, that would be amazing.
Speaker 3: Okay, That to me is absolutely insane.
Speaker 2: I think it is crazy to expect someone to pay
Speaker 2: for a dress that you have picked out for them,
Speaker 2: that they're never ever ever going to wear again, and
Speaker 2: they don't have any saying it whatsoever. I think if
Speaker 2: that's the way it's going to be, then the expectations
Speaker 2: should be on the bride to pay for the dress.
Speaker 1: I agree.
Speaker 2: I think if you give them the option, if you're like, hey,
Speaker 2: here is a few different kinds of dresses, choose the
Speaker 2: one you like, then that's okay to kind of impart
Speaker 2: some of the payment or the whole payment. But if
Speaker 2: you're saying to someone you have to wear this uniform
Speaker 2: to my wedding and you hate it, but I don't care.
Speaker 3: I don't think that that's a very nice way for
Speaker 3: friends to treat each other.
Speaker 4: I might be in a brisemeat a couple of times,
Speaker 4: and every time I've paid for my dress and shoes,
Speaker 4: and some of them, I've paid for my makeup and
Speaker 4: my hair and jewelry and transport and accommodation. And it
Speaker 4: can be really fucking expensive. And there was a time
Speaker 4: in my life where this was genuinely a really big pressure.
Speaker 1: The makeup and hair is weird like that for me,
Speaker 1: like come and behind my party, get ready with me,
Speaker 1: but get your own hair and makeup. I think the
Speaker 1: bride and the groom unless there's a really strong reason
Speaker 1: you can't but should be paying for dresses, Like if
Speaker 1: you've asked somebody to come and they should be paying
Speaker 1: for hair and makeup. Like if you've asked someone to
Speaker 1: be part of your day and you've put these specifications on,
Speaker 1: you can't then lump that someone someone.
Speaker 4: I think my situation is the more common one, though
Speaker 4: it is.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, and I know that this comes from a
Speaker 2: place of more financial privilege, Like I know that I'm
Speaker 2: able to afford to pay for the dresses for my bridesmaids,
Speaker 2: and I paid for them. But I guess my thing
Speaker 2: is is if you can't afford to pay for them,
Speaker 2: or you haven't budgeted for it within your wedding, but
Speaker 2: yet you have really strict and stringent ideas around what
Speaker 2: that person has to wear, that to me seems unfair.
Speaker 2: I think if you don't have the budget to help
Speaker 2: accommodate your bridesmaids in any way, you can't have the
Speaker 2: same level of expectations on them.
Speaker 3: Well, don't have ten bridesmaids, Oh yeah.
Speaker 2: Or it's an open conversation so that you're making sure
Speaker 2: that you're not putting your needs and wants as a
Speaker 2: bride over the financial capabilities of your friends, because that's
Speaker 2: just not being a good friend at the end of
Speaker 2: the day.
Speaker 1: But not even over the financial capabilities over their comfort.
Speaker 1: Like you are so uncomfortable that you are losing sleep
Speaker 1: over this, Like you do not want to go and
Speaker 1: stand there in front of people, and I can't imagine
Speaker 1: what that feels like.
Speaker 2: I think we need to normalize having conversations around weddings
Speaker 2: in a way that doesn't like stigmatize bridesmaids or groomsmen
Speaker 2: as being bad friends if they're not able to bend
Speaker 2: over backwards and cartwheel and spend the thousands of dollars
Speaker 2: that brides and groomsmen expect. I also think that maybe
Speaker 2: as people who are having our weddings, as the person
Speaker 2: who's you know, organizing the day, I understand that there's
Speaker 2: so much pressure, but really thinking about what are the
Speaker 2: financial implications that your wedding is having on the people
Speaker 2: that you love most and deciding or speaking to them,
Speaker 2: being open with them, to make sure that your friends
Speaker 2: are okay, because most people don't want to disappoint their
Speaker 2: best friends.
Speaker 3: They want to be included.
Speaker 2: But not everyone can afford the things and the expectations
Speaker 2: that are expecting of them. But I know we've gotten
Speaker 2: into I know we've gotten into the money side of things,
Speaker 2: but when it comes to like not just money, like
Speaker 2: also around their comfort. How do you feel do you
Speaker 2: do you feel good wearing that? Do you like wearing that?
Speaker 2: There has to be a limit to it. It may
Speaker 2: not be the dress that's their favorite dress that they've
Speaker 2: ever bought. Being your bridesmaid's dress, but there has to
Speaker 2: be some sort of conversation around it.
Speaker 3: I don't know if we would just feel differently about it.
Speaker 1: Well, you can also loan dresses too, Guys like you
Speaker 1: can go to dress higher places and loan a dress
Speaker 1: and then give it back as well. That's like food
Speaker 1: for thought.
Speaker 4: Do you know what is one of the most common
Speaker 4: questions that we have in the Life un Cut discussion group.
Speaker 4: It's from people who are bridesmaids who are like, I
Speaker 4: have been instructed to wear this dress. I have a
Speaker 4: really big bust and I need something that's going to
Speaker 4: like cover it or support my boobs or basically it's
Speaker 4: saying that the rest of the bridal party don't.
Speaker 1: Have big boobs. Yeah I do.
Speaker 4: This dress is not it's backless or you know that
Speaker 4: kind of thing. It gets posted at least once a week.
Speaker 2: That's so crazy to me. Honestly, I would love to know.
Speaker 2: Maybe we should do a poll. Have you ever been
Speaker 2: a bridesmaid and were you made to wear something that
Speaker 2: you hate it? I would love to know how common
Speaker 2: this issue is. But yeah, I think look, if I
Speaker 2: was you, I would be having a conversation. I wouldn't
Speaker 2: be accusatory. I wouldn't go in as hard maybe as
Speaker 2: what you said, Britt, but I would definitely be saying
Speaker 2: like I would.
Speaker 3: I feel it's not hard.
Speaker 1: I think you can go and say I'm really uncomfortable,
Speaker 1: I don't want to wear this. There is nothing wrong
Speaker 1: with saying to your friend. If you are good enough
Speaker 1: friends to be in the bridal party, but you don't
Speaker 1: feel like you can tell her how uncomfortable you are,
Speaker 1: then that's not congruent. Yeah, it always.
Speaker 2: Surprises me that this is something that people have to navigate,
Speaker 2: and I just think as the person who is getting
Speaker 2: married is the bride and groom, it's something that people
Speaker 2: should be and need to be way more sensitive about.
Speaker 1: I think we do and we will do like an
Speaker 1: entire wedding kind of episode, whether that's a bonus or
Speaker 1: something in the future, because I'm already getting so many
Speaker 1: dms from people like this, like questions because maybe they
Speaker 1: know I'm planning the wedding. I don't know, but I'm
Speaker 1: I'm going through so many different wedding planning things as
Speaker 1: well already. So I think we'll definitely like collate a
Speaker 1: bunch of stuff and maybe we'll do just like a wedding.
Speaker 2: Edition one hundred percent. I mean especially now, because that's
Speaker 2: like you were in the wedding orbit.
Speaker 3: Bring You're sucked in hard deep, it's happening.
Speaker 1: Next question, my husband and I had a disagreement and
Speaker 1: both genuinely could not work out who was in the wrong.
Speaker 1: So reverting to the brains trust, Oh cute, that's us.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: My husband works shift work so often has midweek days
Speaker 1: off or finishes really early on week days that I'm working.
Speaker 1: So sometimes, let's just say once a week, he likes
Speaker 1: to go to the local pup by himself and have
Speaker 1: a few beers until I finish work, so he's killing time.
Speaker 1: He usually comes home a little bit tipsy on these occasions.
Speaker 1: I feel uncomfortable about him drinking by himself and coming
Speaker 1: home tipsy after doing so. I don't have any issue
Speaker 1: with him drinking with friends or if we have a
Speaker 1: few drinks together. It's just the by himself aspect that
Speaker 1: I don't like now. I think this stems from growing
Speaker 1: up with parents who had issues with alcohol. He gets
Speaker 1: upset by this and feels like I'm trying to control
Speaker 1: him and how he spends his free time. He doesn't
Speaker 1: think it's unreasonable to be doing this once a week.
Speaker 1: I don't have an issue with him doing any activity
Speaker 1: by himself that doesn't involve out, so I don't feel
Speaker 1: like I'm being controlling. Who is in the wrong? Am
Speaker 1: I being unreasonable? We both have had multiple convos about this,
Speaker 1: and both are not sure if each of us is
Speaker 1: in the wrong. For context, we are in our early thirties,
Speaker 1: we have no kids, just living at home. The two
Speaker 1: of us otherwise have an amazing relationship.
Speaker 2: Genuinely, in answering this question, I feel like I'm in
Speaker 2: two minds about it because my first thought is that
Speaker 2: no one is actually in the wrong here, and drinking
Speaker 2: isn't a problem until it's a problem, right, Like I mean,
Speaker 2: it's really hard to identify when alcohol is a problem
Speaker 2: in someone's life. However, I understand why this is very
Speaker 2: triggering for you, especially if you came from having parents
Speaker 2: who are alcoholics. I can understand why that's something that's like, very,
Speaker 2: very very upsetting. The frequency of it going and having
Speaker 2: a few drinks after work once a week, for some
Speaker 2: people that's going to be a really high frequency, and
Speaker 2: for other people they're going to think, oh, it's only
Speaker 2: once a week, it's not a big deal. My question
Speaker 2: to you is how much is he also drinking throughout
Speaker 2: the week when he he is with friends? So does
Speaker 2: he do one day solo by himself of an afternoon
Speaker 2: of drinking, and then is he also drinking, you know,
Speaker 2: most nights a week with you when you guys catch
Speaker 2: up together, and then also with his friends. That is
Speaker 2: when I would say, okay, look at it as a
Speaker 2: frequency thing over time, rather than it being as an
Speaker 2: isolated event. If the only time he drinks is when
Speaker 2: he goes and has a few beers by himself after work,
Speaker 2: that might be his way of unwinding, his way of decompressing.
Speaker 3: I'm sure there's healthier ways to do it that.
Speaker 2: If it's a once a week thing, you know, that's
Speaker 2: not a to me like a big startling trigger. But
Speaker 2: if he's doing that plus also all the rest of
Speaker 2: the drinking throughout the week, and as a total actually
Speaker 2: drinking is a pretty prolific thing that he does, then
Speaker 2: I would say, yeah, that is part of a parcel
Speaker 2: of a greater issue here, because it means that what
Speaker 2: he's actually doing is constantly drinking as a way of
Speaker 2: winding down.
Speaker 3: Whether it's with friends or by himself.
Speaker 1: I also don't believe that anyone is in the wrong here.
Speaker 1: I don't think he's in the wrong by having a
Speaker 1: few drinks on his own. And I am going to
Speaker 1: tell you are not in the wrong because you have
Speaker 1: feelings of being uncomfortable about that, Like, you can't be
Speaker 1: wrong for having that feeling.
Speaker 3: It doesn't sound like he drinks that much outside of it,
Speaker 3: because you've said he's amazing, there's no other problems. It's
Speaker 3: not drinking in general. It's just this one time he
Speaker 3: goes by himself. That you have the problem drinking alone
Speaker 3: in this capacity. I don't believe is because you have
Speaker 3: a drinking problem. It truly sounds like any of course
Speaker 3: it could be.
Speaker 1: But she's said he doesn't really drink other like they
Speaker 1: don't have any issue otherwise, which is what is clear. Obviously,
Speaker 1: if there is a drinking problem outside of that, that's
Speaker 1: a whole nother story. But that's not what she's letting
Speaker 1: us believe. She's actually just said it's those few hours
Speaker 1: once a week that he's waiting for me to finish work.
Speaker 1: My understanding, my take of this is that he's literally
Speaker 1: just feeling some time and I picture it in my
Speaker 1: head like he's sitting at a bar having a beer
Speaker 1: while he watches the footy on the screen or something
Speaker 1: like that. Like I don't think he's going to sit
Speaker 1: in a dark corner and skull a bottle of vodka
Speaker 1: making assumptions here. That's the way some people unwind, and
Speaker 1: and for some people that could lead into a drinking problem,
Speaker 1: and for other people it's literally what it is. It's
Speaker 1: just having a beer because you enjoy a beer. It's
Speaker 1: how you unwind after work, and you might enjoy watching
Speaker 1: the sport or whatever it is. So for me, I
Speaker 1: think that that part isn't overly concerning, But that's because
Speaker 1: I don't know anything else in this context. If he's
Speaker 1: drinking outside of that and there are other issues, then
Speaker 1: it is different. But if he's not like a sporty
Speaker 1: guy or doesn't have hobbies, he doesn't like the gym,
Speaker 1: if this is just his thing, this is his way
Speaker 1: of unwinding, some people go for a run, right.
Speaker 2: I know, But that's the problem, right because I guess
Speaker 2: the thing is when it is someone's only way of
Speaker 2: an outlet, when things get harder, when you've got kids,
Speaker 2: when all of those other extra pressures, and that's like
Speaker 2: your way to unwind is to have a few drinks
Speaker 2: on your own without the other things in place.
Speaker 1: It can be the thing that helps.
Speaker 2: To create I mean, like statistically, I've just pulled up
Speaker 2: some starts, and this is what the health organization says
Speaker 2: about it. While drinking alone at home is not always
Speaker 2: a problem, it can lead to alcoholism. Drinking alone clinically
Speaker 2: described as alcohol used to sell. You should worry about
Speaker 2: alcoholism developing if you find yourself over indulging, choosing to
Speaker 2: drink over social events or obligations, or drinking to deal
Speaker 2: with problems.
Speaker 1: Obviously, Yeah, but I think about myself, I would have
Speaker 1: a drink by myself. I live alone, Like that's not
Speaker 1: a strange thing. And if he doesn't have a problem
Speaker 1: and he's not coming home wasted, which is not you've
Speaker 1: said that for me from the information I've been giving,
Speaker 1: I think what you have done is the right thing.
Speaker 1: Like you have expressed to him the way it makes
Speaker 1: you feel, which is very valid from your history. But
Speaker 1: I think you have to try and listen to whatever
Speaker 1: he's saying and have an understanding and then make your decision.
Speaker 3: I maybe feel a little bit differently to Brit.
Speaker 2: I do think that it can definitely be the start
Speaker 2: of a coping mechanism, or it can be something that
Speaker 2: turns into something more problematic. Does it sound like it's
Speaker 2: problematic right now? No, it doesn't sound like it's problematic
Speaker 2: right now. But I do also think that you're looking
Speaker 2: at this from like probably a more zoomed at lens
Speaker 2: and a big picture. There are a lot of questions
Speaker 2: to ask yourself. One is how much much is he
Speaker 2: drinking during the week. That's a really really important question.
Speaker 2: Why is it that he enjoys to go and drink
Speaker 2: by himself? How much is he drinking by himself? Without
Speaker 2: the answers to those questions, it's really hard to know
Speaker 2: whether or not this is something that actually is a problem.
Speaker 1: And I eat a drinking problem also, not that this matters,
Speaker 1: but I'm just curious. And maybe this is the reason
Speaker 1: I think it is normal because I grew up with
Speaker 1: a lot of my friends, a lot of family members
Speaker 1: in the construction industry, like tradesman, and it's so normal
Speaker 1: for a trade to knock off and have a beer
Speaker 1: after work like that is and I'm not My dad
Speaker 1: was never one of those. He never ever went to
Speaker 1: the pub. He doesn't even really drink much. But I
Speaker 1: just see it very differently. I think that lots of
Speaker 1: people drink, and somebody enjoying a drink on their own
Speaker 1: after work while they're waiting for you, when you've said
Speaker 1: it's an amazing relationship, there is nothing else wrong with it.
Speaker 1: Your only issue here is because you had an issue
Speaker 1: with your parents. That's where I think this issue is
Speaker 1: and why I don't think this is being over the top.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but I do think that that is an issue
Speaker 2: in that. I think if I said to Matt, for example,
Speaker 2: if my parents are alcoholics, and I said to Matt,
Speaker 2: this behavior is something that is triggering for me and
Speaker 2: it worries me, and they said it's fine, there's nothing
Speaker 2: wrong here, I would feel as though they weren't listening
Speaker 2: to the reasons as to why something was upsetting to me.
Speaker 1: Oh see, I disagree.
Speaker 2: And I think if he's coming home and his behavior
Speaker 2: is affected, like how much does it require him to
Speaker 2: drink to come home quote unquote tipsy, And then when
Speaker 2: he gets home tipsy, does he continue to drink or
Speaker 2: does he stop there?
Speaker 1: And then you guys go on to have a lovely night.
Speaker 2: There are more questions here that need to be asked
Speaker 2: as to how much it's affecting your relationship. But I
Speaker 2: don't want to disqualify the fat that you find being
Speaker 2: around drinking or solo drinking or whatever it is triggering
Speaker 2: because of your upbringing. I would too if I was
Speaker 2: in that situation, and it would make me far more
Speaker 2: hyper alert and hyper aware to the behaviors of my
Speaker 2: partner that might indicate alcoholism.
Speaker 1: Well, that is it from us, guys. If you have questions,
Speaker 1: please send him in to Life on Cut podcast just
Speaker 1: the DMS. Funnily enough, I feel like we've said that
Speaker 1: on every single episode for like three hundred and fifty
Speaker 1: episodes of Ask Guncut, But I received them all the
Speaker 1: time to our website email address where people are like, Hi,
Speaker 1: I didn't know where to write this in and I
Speaker 1: was like, that's.
Speaker 3: Okay, you can send it to our website.
Speaker 1: You can, No, you can, But I thought we were
Speaker 1: always hammering home the message. But maybe people check out
Speaker 1: before we sign off. Don't check out, guys, don't wait
Speaker 1: right to be and you need to hear the call
Speaker 1: cry of Life on Cut.
Speaker 3: You can send them into the website or email if
Speaker 3: you like.
Speaker 1: I understand some of the people might want to be anonymous,
Speaker 1: like not even show their profile and that's why they email,
Speaker 1: which is also totally fine.
Speaker 3: And also your accenting unfiltered, its everything else that comes
Speaker 3: along with it.
Speaker 1: Don't forget. We have a YouTube now so you can
Speaker 1: go and watch all of our big Meata episodes in
Speaker 1: our interviews and then we put some ask guncut questions
Speaker 1: up as well, and it's a lot of fun.
Speaker 3: And that is it from USK.
Speaker 2: Guys.
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