1 00:00:02,279 --> 00:00:04,640 Speaker 1: It's their Happy Families podcast. 2 00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:08,480 Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just 3 00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:09,479 Speaker 2: wants answers. 4 00:00:09,560 --> 00:00:15,159 Speaker 1: Mew, Hello and welcome to the Happy Families podcast, the 5 00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:17,840 Speaker 1: podcast for the time poor parent who just wants answers. Now, 6 00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:20,360 Speaker 1: I'm Justin Doctor Justin Colson, the author of a bunch 7 00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:22,759 Speaker 1: of books about how to make your family happier, and 8 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:26,600 Speaker 1: the dad to six daughters, three in their twenties now, 9 00:00:26,680 --> 00:00:29,840 Speaker 1: two in their teens, and a ten year old. Today, 10 00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:33,720 Speaker 1: like every Tuesday, answering your questions on the podcast about 11 00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:36,680 Speaker 1: how you can make your family happier. If you would 12 00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:39,680 Speaker 1: like to submit a question, we love those voice memos. 13 00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:42,520 Speaker 1: Just go to happy families dot com dot. You click 14 00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:46,080 Speaker 1: on the podcasts link and push the record button. It's 15 00:00:46,159 --> 00:00:48,720 Speaker 1: super easy to use happy families dot com dot. You 16 00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:51,240 Speaker 1: click on the podcast link and press the record button. 17 00:00:51,680 --> 00:00:55,920 Speaker 1: That's simple. Here's our first question today. It comes from Emma, Hi, Justin, 18 00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:56,600 Speaker 1: and Kylie. 19 00:00:56,920 --> 00:00:59,160 Speaker 3: I'm wanting some suggestions to help our ten year old 20 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:02,720 Speaker 3: boy struggling with going to school and being at school. 21 00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:05,559 Speaker 3: He feels unliked and that a lot of the correction 22 00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:08,399 Speaker 3: in the classroom is unfairly directed at him. I have 23 00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:10,600 Speaker 3: talked to his teacher, and I can see the teacher's 24 00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:12,600 Speaker 3: point of view as well as his point of view 25 00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:15,959 Speaker 3: that he can be distracting and unfocused at times, but 26 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:17,640 Speaker 3: I also feel for him in the way that it 27 00:01:17,680 --> 00:01:20,440 Speaker 3: is handled. He does have a lot of age appropriate 28 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:23,440 Speaker 3: autonomy at home, which is different to the school classroom. 29 00:01:23,480 --> 00:01:25,040 Speaker 3: And I'm a bit worried we are setting him up 30 00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:27,480 Speaker 3: badly or we're missing something perhaps in the way that 31 00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:30,640 Speaker 3: we're doing it. Just wondering if you have any suggestions 32 00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:33,360 Speaker 3: in helping him follow the rules when he doesn't understand 33 00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:36,520 Speaker 3: why at school or what your way forward would be here. 34 00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:38,360 Speaker 3: Thanks heeps, guys. 35 00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:41,760 Speaker 1: Bye, tricky one. Tricky one and Emma also includes some 36 00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:45,520 Speaker 1: additional information in her email to me well. She identified 37 00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:48,000 Speaker 1: that he is withdrawing from friends on the street that 38 00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:51,600 Speaker 1: he usually plays with, no longer enjoying playing clubs, soccer, 39 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:56,480 Speaker 1: emotional sad, easily angered, although that isn't really new, and 40 00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:58,400 Speaker 1: it seems like there's just a whole lot of clashes 41 00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:01,680 Speaker 1: going on, things get him down all over the place. 42 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:05,000 Speaker 1: Emma's email also says that he doesn't want to go 43 00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:07,640 Speaker 1: to school. He's getting there every day, but it's hard 44 00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:09,760 Speaker 1: and I'm back walking him in with a long goodbye 45 00:02:09,760 --> 00:02:12,200 Speaker 1: before he goes to his bag rack. She says, we're 46 00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:14,680 Speaker 1: doing all the things suggested by you and others to 47 00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:18,720 Speaker 1: help with school and sleep, but are not seeing improvement. 48 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:22,200 Speaker 1: And she also made a suggestion that the school can't 49 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:25,320 Speaker 1: community doesn't seem to be working out for her either. 50 00:02:25,840 --> 00:02:28,280 Speaker 1: All right, really frustrating one. So many challenges. By the way, 51 00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:30,400 Speaker 1: I brought missus Happy Families in for today's episode as well. 52 00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:33,239 Speaker 1: Hi Kylie, Hi, So I want to go over a 53 00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:37,440 Speaker 1: handful of things here because it's just frustrating. And the 54 00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:39,000 Speaker 1: other thing is a lot of mental health work. As 55 00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:41,560 Speaker 1: psychologists school counselors, they're going to come up with a 56 00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:43,440 Speaker 1: whole lot of solutions that aren't going to feel like 57 00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:46,600 Speaker 1: they're working. This is what drives people crazy when kids 58 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:48,560 Speaker 1: are starting to say don't want to go to school. 59 00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:51,320 Speaker 1: Let's go through the usual stuff. First off, we've got 60 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:54,639 Speaker 1: to talk about basic psychological needs being supported or thwarted. 61 00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:58,680 Speaker 1: We're talking about confidence relatedness and autonomy. So if your 62 00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:02,080 Speaker 1: child does not feel confident at school, whether it's academically 63 00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:04,239 Speaker 1: or socially or in any other way, there's going to 64 00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:08,280 Speaker 1: be resistance to going. Clearly, based on the interactions between 65 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:11,040 Speaker 1: your son and the teacher, there are competence issues, confidence 66 00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:16,240 Speaker 1: with behavior, confidence with managing and regulating himself in the 67 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:20,239 Speaker 1: class versus what the teacher requires. Sometimes those teacher requirements 68 00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:23,640 Speaker 1: are developmentally appropriate, sometimes they're not. But feeling competent school 69 00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:24,880 Speaker 1: is going to be a really big deal. 70 00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:27,120 Speaker 2: But if it's having that much of an impact on 71 00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:30,639 Speaker 2: your child, then you can be guaranteed that, regardless of 72 00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:36,720 Speaker 2: how competent the teacher is, her technique is actually harming 73 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:37,160 Speaker 2: your child. 74 00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:39,560 Speaker 1: Okay, Which brings us to relationships. Relationships have got to 75 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:42,120 Speaker 1: be strong. That need needs to be supported. In this case, 76 00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:45,520 Speaker 1: it's clearly not being supported. There is a need frustration 77 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:48,120 Speaker 1: around relationships. This is a really big one. I mean, 78 00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:49,640 Speaker 1: you and I were talking the other day. We just 79 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:52,000 Speaker 1: were having a chat with a friend who has I 80 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:54,400 Speaker 1: think it was a grade one kid who was literally 81 00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:58,200 Speaker 1: locked in the cupboard at school by the teacher because 82 00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:00,920 Speaker 1: the teacher couldn't control the kid's behavior. I mean, this 83 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,760 Speaker 1: is twenty twenty four people, it's still happening now. This 84 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:04,360 Speaker 1: is not to bag out all teachers. Most teachers are 85 00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:06,400 Speaker 1: doing a great job, and that teacher probably most of 86 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:08,480 Speaker 1: the time does too. But this is unacceptable. And when 87 00:04:08,520 --> 00:04:10,640 Speaker 1: you've got a teacher who I mean in the email, 88 00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:13,560 Speaker 1: Emma said, she yells at him a lot, and he 89 00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:16,000 Speaker 1: misses out on class stamps and rewards, but doesn't always 90 00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:20,200 Speaker 1: understand why. Fundamentally, we're dealing with some massive issues in 91 00:04:20,279 --> 00:04:22,600 Speaker 1: terms of the way that teachers deal with students. And 92 00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:25,120 Speaker 1: I don't want to bag teachers out here. This is 93 00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:28,039 Speaker 1: the reality of working with thirty or forty kids and 94 00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:30,560 Speaker 1: not having the level of training that's necessary to be 95 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:32,640 Speaker 1: able to manage these situations effectively. 96 00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:35,360 Speaker 2: We've had a couple of kids that have had really 97 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:38,360 Speaker 2: significant challenges in the classroom. We've seen the best and 98 00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:43,719 Speaker 2: the worst of teaching strategies in and knowing how to 99 00:04:43,839 --> 00:04:49,039 Speaker 2: handle those challenges within the classroom setting. And I remember 100 00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:52,960 Speaker 2: when one of our children finally got into a class 101 00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:55,000 Speaker 2: and I literally looked at the teacher and I said, 102 00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:59,440 Speaker 2: you're like the Mary Poppins of teachers like she not 103 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:05,480 Speaker 2: only did she absolutely love our child, she recognized her strengths, 104 00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:11,960 Speaker 2: worked with those, and she found ways to manage the 105 00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:17,560 Speaker 2: challenges that existed in such a beautiful way. She taught 106 00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:20,960 Speaker 2: me things that I hadn't even worked out how to do. 107 00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:22,440 Speaker 1: Yeah, I know this is not going to be a 108 00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:24,479 Speaker 1: popular thing to say, although I'd imagine most teachers would 109 00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:27,000 Speaker 1: agree with me. Some teachers suck. The majority of them, 110 00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:29,640 Speaker 1: the overwhelming majority, are brilliant. But every now and again, 111 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:32,159 Speaker 1: you just get a teacher that does not do the 112 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:35,880 Speaker 1: job required. Or sometimes it's not even that. Sometimes they 113 00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:38,760 Speaker 1: just don't click with your child. There's a personality clash, 114 00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:41,000 Speaker 1: there's something going on and you just can't get there. 115 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:42,920 Speaker 1: And so maybe the teacher doesn't suck, but perhaps they 116 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:46,280 Speaker 1: suck for your child. And in this case, I'm listening 117 00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:47,960 Speaker 1: to what Emma saying, and I'm thinking maybe. I mean, 118 00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:49,880 Speaker 1: we're more than halfway through the year now, we're well 119 00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:53,840 Speaker 1: into term three. Tough it out. Teach your son that 120 00:05:53,839 --> 00:05:56,800 Speaker 1: there is this thing called tolerable discomfort and work through it. 121 00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:59,560 Speaker 1: Deal with what we call frustration tolerance. This is a 122 00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:01,680 Speaker 1: growing thing. We're talking about a ten year old boy. 123 00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:03,800 Speaker 1: Now he's big enough to be able to put on 124 00:06:03,839 --> 00:06:07,200 Speaker 1: his big boy pants and work through this day by day, 125 00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:08,680 Speaker 1: week by week until we get to the end of 126 00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:10,839 Speaker 1: term four and we get a new teacher who is 127 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:13,760 Speaker 1: back on it and doing things right for next year. 128 00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:16,520 Speaker 2: So it doesn't say in the email how long they've 129 00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:17,960 Speaker 2: been working through this challenge. 130 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:19,120 Speaker 1: It's only been this year. 131 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:23,520 Speaker 2: But the reality is so often when we're bombarded with 132 00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:26,400 Speaker 2: challenges in our lives, especially when it comes to parenting 133 00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:28,760 Speaker 2: and the way we're trying to help our children work 134 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:32,440 Speaker 2: through their different challenges, it feels like we're not getting anywhere, 135 00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:35,159 Speaker 2: and we will constantly say I'm doing all the things, 136 00:06:36,279 --> 00:06:41,800 Speaker 2: But what happens over time is that those things, the 137 00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:47,240 Speaker 2: consistency with which we attack or work with the challenges, 138 00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:50,239 Speaker 2: we actually do see change. But we want change right now, 139 00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:52,880 Speaker 2: and it's a process because we hate seeing our kids 140 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:56,640 Speaker 2: hurting right we hate being uncomfortable. But if we will 141 00:06:56,680 --> 00:07:00,560 Speaker 2: just be consistent, often all of us sudden, it will 142 00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:02,200 Speaker 2: feel like you're like in a blink of an eye, 143 00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:03,800 Speaker 2: all of a sudden, things are different. 144 00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:07,160 Speaker 1: And Emma has also highlighted that there's appropriate autonomy age 145 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:10,000 Speaker 1: appropriate autonomy. I really love that in the home, but 146 00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:12,480 Speaker 1: this is clearly not happening in the classroom. So we've 147 00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:16,160 Speaker 1: got these basic psychological needs essentially not being supported effectively 148 00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:18,200 Speaker 1: at school. Having another conversation with the teacher, I don't 149 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:20,640 Speaker 1: think it's going to work. Clearly, this conversation has not 150 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:23,360 Speaker 1: gone in a helpful and positive direction, so this is 151 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,120 Speaker 1: about toughing it out. I guess there's a couple of 152 00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:26,920 Speaker 1: other things that I would check based on the additional 153 00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:29,280 Speaker 1: information that's in the email. I'd want to just have 154 00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:31,000 Speaker 1: a medical check up. I want to make sure that 155 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:33,440 Speaker 1: there's nothing going on medically. We've talked about the psychological needs, 156 00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:36,280 Speaker 1: so let's double check the medical stuff. I think it's 157 00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:40,840 Speaker 1: also worth highlighting this though. Attention amplifies discomfort, and the 158 00:07:40,840 --> 00:07:43,000 Speaker 1: more we put attention on the discomfort, the more we 159 00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:46,360 Speaker 1: talk about the problems, the bigger the problems become. Sometimes 160 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:48,760 Speaker 1: it's better to simply say yeah, I know it's hard, 161 00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:51,920 Speaker 1: We'll get through it and move on. It kind of flinches. 162 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:53,559 Speaker 1: I say this because I don't want to turn into 163 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:57,080 Speaker 1: Captain Tough Love here. That's not the objective. But rather, 164 00:07:57,480 --> 00:08:00,200 Speaker 1: sometimes our children need to know and understand that life 165 00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:02,720 Speaker 1: can be tricky, life can be awkward, life can be uncomfortable, 166 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,000 Speaker 1: and we can still get through those things, even if 167 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:06,760 Speaker 1: it means it's going to be a while. We have 168 00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:11,360 Speaker 1: a daughter who is currently in Canada doing volunteer missionary work, 169 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:14,920 Speaker 1: and she's been assigned to work with somebody and it's 170 00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:18,440 Speaker 1: just not working out. But it's only six weeks and 171 00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:20,560 Speaker 1: she'll get through it. It's been a really, really hard 172 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:23,320 Speaker 1: experience for her, and we've just sat there and said, 173 00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:25,560 Speaker 1: we get it. It's really hard. You'll get through it. 174 00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:25,720 Speaker 2: Now. 175 00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:27,640 Speaker 1: Obviously she's twelve years older than this kid, or ten 176 00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:30,800 Speaker 1: years older than Emma's boy, but it's still something where 177 00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:33,319 Speaker 1: sometimes life is hard and you just have to get through. 178 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:37,120 Speaker 1: And I think that there's something in that. I mean, 179 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:38,959 Speaker 1: the last option is that your school swap, and I 180 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:39,840 Speaker 1: don't think that's a great idea. 181 00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:42,360 Speaker 2: I think that you've kind of jumped the gun there 182 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:45,040 Speaker 2: a little bit. I think that sometimes a change of 183 00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:49,040 Speaker 2: classroom and teacher can be all that needs to take place. 184 00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:51,839 Speaker 2: Their child's still in the same environment, but has the 185 00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:55,640 Speaker 2: opportunity to build a relationship with another teacher that might 186 00:08:55,679 --> 00:08:59,080 Speaker 2: be better. Because this is I would suggest, this is 187 00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:02,520 Speaker 2: more a personality thing. There's a clash between teacher and 188 00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:06,640 Speaker 2: child personality, and that's the difference. 189 00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:08,280 Speaker 1: There are other challenges with that though, as well, Like 190 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:12,080 Speaker 1: you swap classrooms and the teachers kind of compare notes 191 00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:15,920 Speaker 1: and talk things through and sometimes the stigma from the 192 00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:18,280 Speaker 1: class swap the kids talk about in the playground, it 193 00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:21,800 Speaker 1: can make things really uncomfortable. Maybe it's an option. I 194 00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:23,199 Speaker 1: think toughing it out to the end of the year 195 00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:25,040 Speaker 1: is the better option. I know that there are no 196 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:26,960 Speaker 1: easy answers. I know that people in the school can't 197 00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:29,200 Speaker 1: community are going to absolutely hate what I'm saying here, 198 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:32,040 Speaker 1: But I just think persistence is the best way to go. 199 00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:35,800 Speaker 1: Avoidance reinforces anxiety. It may be that a classroom swap 200 00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:40,040 Speaker 1: is appropriate, but the child goes wherever the child has 201 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:42,760 Speaker 1: to go, right like when you move house, so when 202 00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:45,000 Speaker 1: you move neighborhood, when you move school, you go with you, 203 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:48,160 Speaker 1: which means that those challenges may persist wherever you are. 204 00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:50,680 Speaker 1: I guess I need to just put in one big caveat, 205 00:09:50,679 --> 00:09:52,199 Speaker 1: and that is that sometimes the advice that I've just 206 00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:57,040 Speaker 1: given is the worst advice ever, But generally, in most circumstances, 207 00:09:57,040 --> 00:09:58,640 Speaker 1: it will work for most kids most of the time. 208 00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:01,760 Speaker 1: And this is a great challenge with this kind of thing. Emma, 209 00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:04,839 Speaker 1: tough question. I hope there's something helpful there for you. 210 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:13,120 Speaker 1: Let's move on to question number two. Question number two, 211 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:15,080 Speaker 1: Hello Justin. 212 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:19,320 Speaker 4: And Kylie, My name is Carrie and I'm a homeschooling 213 00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:22,920 Speaker 4: mum of three little boys. I started homeschooling at the 214 00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:27,080 Speaker 4: same time as Kylie and would be really interested in 215 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:32,080 Speaker 4: knowing a little bit more about how Kylie is going 216 00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:37,959 Speaker 4: with homeschooling, what curriculum she's using, what has and hasn't worked. 217 00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:41,080 Speaker 4: That would be fabulous. Thank you. 218 00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:44,160 Speaker 1: Find it really interesting that Carrie from Wa doesn't say, 219 00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:48,760 Speaker 1: justin how are you finding homeschooling? It is this the 220 00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:50,600 Speaker 1: Kylie show? All of a sudden, Am I not doing 221 00:10:50,640 --> 00:10:51,480 Speaker 1: any homeschooling? 222 00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:52,559 Speaker 2: No? 223 00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:56,120 Speaker 1: Not really? Okay, Well I can say this, we're using 224 00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:59,600 Speaker 1: Yuka as a curriculum. I know that much. This is 225 00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:02,240 Speaker 1: not to post and I don't know if it's great 226 00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:04,400 Speaker 1: or not because I'm not involved in it, but I 227 00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:06,600 Speaker 1: know that Colie, how did you answer carry? 228 00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:09,560 Speaker 2: Well, the first thing is yes, we are using Yuka. 229 00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:12,120 Speaker 2: Did I do a huge amount of research and to 230 00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:13,920 Speaker 2: whether or not this was a good way. 231 00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:14,880 Speaker 1: To go time for reach? 232 00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:17,520 Speaker 2: I did it because we needed to start, and I 233 00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:21,720 Speaker 2: also just decided that it was important to be gentle 234 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:24,800 Speaker 2: on myself and not try to know it all in one, 235 00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:29,000 Speaker 2: you know, one sitting and so Yuka provided a structure 236 00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:32,040 Speaker 2: and a reporting system all in one. 237 00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:34,160 Speaker 1: And it follows this train curriculum pretty well, doesn't it. 238 00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:36,640 Speaker 2: Yeah, And it just allowed me to ease my way 239 00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:38,920 Speaker 2: into it. Whether or not it's what we use moving forward, 240 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:43,520 Speaker 2: I don't know. But at this point it is pretty 241 00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:45,760 Speaker 2: much doing all of the hard yards for me, so 242 00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:48,960 Speaker 2: I don't have to do too much like heavy lifting myself. 243 00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:53,560 Speaker 2: What's working and what's not. Yeah, So in my mind 244 00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:58,880 Speaker 2: I had this beautiful picture of you know, structure. School 245 00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:01,160 Speaker 2: goes from nine to eleven every morning, and we sit 246 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:03,319 Speaker 2: down and she knows that we start with Mass and 247 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:05,040 Speaker 2: then we do English, and then we're doing it, you know, 248 00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:08,120 Speaker 2: an extra And I thought that this was going to 249 00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:08,600 Speaker 2: be amazing. 250 00:12:08,679 --> 00:12:10,960 Speaker 1: You're talking about a year fourteen year old daughter. Yes, 251 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,200 Speaker 1: it's worth just jumping in and letting you know that 252 00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:16,760 Speaker 1: our year nine daughter, fourteen years old, she's pretty much 253 00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:19,280 Speaker 1: doing it herself, and she's doing a well, we think 254 00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:21,880 Speaker 1: she's doing a great job. We'll find that in due course, 255 00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:23,720 Speaker 1: but we think she's doing a great job, and she 256 00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:26,080 Speaker 1: seems to be pretty motivated to just get it done. 257 00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:28,480 Speaker 2: But our younger one, but that all went out the 258 00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:32,840 Speaker 2: window once we started and I realized that the rigid 259 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,440 Speaker 2: structure that I had in mind that was going to 260 00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:38,840 Speaker 2: work in with my routine was not going to work 261 00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:42,720 Speaker 2: for Miss ten. So what I have learned from my 262 00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:46,040 Speaker 2: experience is that the more flexible and fluid I can 263 00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:52,640 Speaker 2: be in my day, the more compliant and enjoyable Emily 264 00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:56,839 Speaker 2: is to be around and to be involved. That she 265 00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:59,160 Speaker 2: feeds off my emotions. We talk about this all the time, 266 00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:02,960 Speaker 2: emotions a catch. If I feel stressed and we need 267 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:05,000 Speaker 2: to just hurry up and get this done because I've 268 00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:07,920 Speaker 2: got other things on, Emily feeds off that stress, and 269 00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:11,360 Speaker 2: therefore it's almost like everything shuts down. She can't work, 270 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:14,400 Speaker 2: she can't think, she just gets overwhelmed in that moment. 271 00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:17,120 Speaker 2: And then what should only take us an hour ends 272 00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:21,160 Speaker 2: up being a really big emotional process and three or 273 00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:23,239 Speaker 2: four hours and we're still kind of aut a standstill, 274 00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:26,040 Speaker 2: not able to kind of work through it. And then 275 00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:30,559 Speaker 2: the other thing is providing an autonomy, supportive structure that 276 00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:34,680 Speaker 2: literally lets her lead. So we sit down and like 277 00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:36,640 Speaker 2: I said, I had in my mind we'd start with mass, 278 00:13:36,679 --> 00:13:40,040 Speaker 2: we'd go to English. And so now what happens is 279 00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:42,079 Speaker 2: we sit down and Emily says, I want to do geography, 280 00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:45,440 Speaker 2: and I say, okay, let's do that. She feels like 281 00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:48,000 Speaker 2: she's in control. She gets really excited about it, she 282 00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:50,560 Speaker 2: gets involved in it, and she's really really happy to 283 00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:53,679 Speaker 2: do our schoolwork. So I guess they're my biggest learnings. 284 00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:56,080 Speaker 2: And what I would consider my biggest wins out of 285 00:13:56,120 --> 00:14:03,880 Speaker 2: it is her emotional regulation has just soared. 286 00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:07,240 Speaker 1: Yeah, what we're seeing different different kid to who she 287 00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:09,360 Speaker 1: was when she was at Schood and even our your 288 00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:13,200 Speaker 1: nine daughter. I mean, overwhelmingly the kids are the kids 289 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:15,480 Speaker 1: are so much happier. The kids are so much happier 290 00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:16,520 Speaker 1: with homeschool. 291 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,600 Speaker 2: And over the winter break we went away and we 292 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:22,160 Speaker 2: actually left her for a period of time. That was 293 00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:24,920 Speaker 2: my biggest concern was how she would cope because in 294 00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:27,760 Speaker 2: the past it has been really really hard. 295 00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:29,920 Speaker 1: On leaving terrors. Leaving a ten year old defend for 296 00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:32,360 Speaker 1: herself all by herself at home for a couple of 297 00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:34,520 Speaker 1: weeks is hardcore. But she cooked the nails, she fed 298 00:14:34,560 --> 00:14:36,400 Speaker 1: the dogs, she maintained the house, put the bins out. 299 00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:36,920 Speaker 1: She was great. 300 00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:39,520 Speaker 2: She she she was amazing. 301 00:14:40,360 --> 00:14:43,800 Speaker 1: Just in case anyone's freaking out, there were appropriate care 302 00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:46,640 Speaker 1: people involved, grandparents, every. 303 00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:48,880 Speaker 2: Family member who took care of her, loved it, loved 304 00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:52,920 Speaker 2: the experience, and just talked about how amazing she was. 305 00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,840 Speaker 2: And that flowed on to when we got home. She 306 00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:57,720 Speaker 2: got up, she did her jobs in the morning, and 307 00:14:57,760 --> 00:14:59,760 Speaker 2: then she came to me and I knew she wanted 308 00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:03,160 Speaker 2: to ask to watch the TV. And in a split second, 309 00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:04,920 Speaker 2: she looked at me and she said, Mum, I've done this, this, 310 00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:08,120 Speaker 2: and this. Is there anything else you want me to do? 311 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:11,040 Speaker 1: Yeah? 312 00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:14,040 Speaker 2: I'm chalking that up as a massive win. But when 313 00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:15,720 Speaker 2: I look back at the last six months and I 314 00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:18,600 Speaker 2: think about all of the experiences we've had to be 315 00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:21,240 Speaker 2: in a place where I have a child who feels 316 00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:24,560 Speaker 2: in control of her emotions more times than not, who 317 00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:27,440 Speaker 2: has the capacity to do life without me for an 318 00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:31,760 Speaker 2: extended period of time, and who in general is a 319 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:38,440 Speaker 2: much more calmer, peaceful child. I honestly, I'm so glad 320 00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:40,400 Speaker 2: that we made the decision we did, even. 321 00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:42,080 Speaker 1: Though it's hard ask me what I think? 322 00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:42,920 Speaker 2: What do you think? 323 00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:45,440 Speaker 1: I think that it's the best decision we've made for 324 00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:49,200 Speaker 1: our two kids in their schooling, But it's also the dumbest, hardest, 325 00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:52,040 Speaker 1: most frustrating thing that we could have possibly done. We've 326 00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:54,880 Speaker 1: lost so much of our lives, but what we've gained 327 00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:57,760 Speaker 1: in terms of seeing the benefit to the kids, it's 328 00:15:57,760 --> 00:16:00,000 Speaker 1: the ultimate reward. It's been absolutely brilliant. You've done it. 329 00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:03,680 Speaker 1: Phenomenal job. But it is taxing, and it is not 330 00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:06,080 Speaker 1: it's so much harder than we thought it would be. 331 00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:08,960 Speaker 1: But Carrie from WA, thanks for the question. We hope 332 00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:10,600 Speaker 1: that that's helpful, and good. 333 00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:13,080 Speaker 2: Luck three the three little boys. 334 00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:14,520 Speaker 1: The good thing about our fourteen year old is she's 335 00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:18,960 Speaker 1: mostly doing it herself. We think, we hope. The Happy 336 00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:21,560 Speaker 1: Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. 337 00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:23,720 Speaker 1: If you'd like more information about making your family happier, 338 00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:25,120 Speaker 1: we would love for you to stay in touch with 339 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:27,160 Speaker 1: us at Happy families dot com dot you, where you 340 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:29,600 Speaker 1: can check out the brand new Happy Families membership. Oh 341 00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:32,120 Speaker 1: my goodness, it's better than ever. It'll blow your mind. 342 00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:34,600 Speaker 1: Check it out happy families dot com dot AU.