Speaker 1: The Rising Conquer Podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of the
Speaker 1: land which this episode is being recorded, the Yugen Bear region.
Speaker 1: We further acknowledge country throughout Australia and their connections to land,
Speaker 1: sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders
Speaker 1: past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal
Speaker 1: and terrest Raid Islander peoples today. Hello and welcome back
Speaker 1: to the Rise and Conquer Podcasts.
Speaker 2: This is the podcast for ordinary.
Speaker 1: People who want to do extraordinary things.
Speaker 2: Make your purpose so basic and then you'll realize that
Speaker 2: it's quite easy to feel that feeling we make it
Speaker 2: up in our head that it's got to be this crazy,
Speaker 2: big thing for humanity. You already are doing something big
Speaker 2: for humanity if you're making somebody feel better about themselves.
Speaker 3: Hello and welcome back to the Rising Conquer Podcast. As
Speaker 3: you can probably tell, I'm not Georgie. It's a tear
Speaker 3: by the way I've taken over today's intro as ge
Speaker 3: has completely lost her voice, but don't worry, her voice
Speaker 3: was okay.
Speaker 2: When we did the interview.
Speaker 3: So on today's EPP we are interviewing Alexis Fernandez on
Speaker 3: all Things self love, habits and commitment. She has a
Speaker 3: master's in neuroscience so breaks everything down in easy to
Speaker 3: understand small chunks, which we love. She has also just
Speaker 3: released a new book called The Neuroscience of Self Love,
Speaker 3: and we are all a bit obsessed with it here
Speaker 3: in the office. It's filled with actionable tips and really
Speaker 3: cool insights on how you can work on your self
Speaker 3: love without the fluff. I know Georgie usually gives an
Speaker 3: update on her week, but as she can't speak, we'll
Speaker 3: get her to chat about it in Friday's EP if
Speaker 3: her voice is back, but I thought i'd give you
Speaker 3: a short update to day anyway. On Saturday, and H
Speaker 3: had their biggest launch of the year, hosting the Candyland
Speaker 3: Carnival at their HQ. It was literally the best launch
Speaker 3: ever and I'm so glad I got to go. It
Speaker 3: was such an incredible day and so nice to meet
Speaker 3: everyone in person. The candy collection launched at five pm yesterday,
Speaker 3: so definitely go get some if it isn't already sold out.
Speaker 3: All the flavors in next Level and I'm completely obsessed.
Speaker 3: My personal favorite has to be the Sour Peach stim
Speaker 3: free pre workout. It honestly tastes just like my childhood
Speaker 3: and I'm an afternoon workout gal, so this is perfect
Speaker 3: for me. We can't wait for you to hear this
Speaker 3: awesome chat with Alexius.
Speaker 1: So let's get into the episode.
Speaker 4: Alexis, Welcome to the Rise and Tnker Podcast.
Speaker 2: Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here.
Speaker 4: We are so excited to have you on the show. Firstly,
Speaker 4: for those who don't know you, could you just tell
Speaker 4: us who you are and a little bit about what
Speaker 4: you did for sure.
Speaker 2: So I'm My name's Alexis Fernandez, and I am a
Speaker 2: well now I'm an author and a podcaster, but my
Speaker 2: background is in neuroscience. So I did my undergrad in
Speaker 2: cognitive neuroscience kind of in my early twenties, and I
Speaker 2: always was obsessed with the brain and I absolutely just
Speaker 2: loved everything about the brain. And then I kind of
Speaker 2: took some time off studying and I got into fitness.
Speaker 2: I became a politis instructor, and then I had like
Speaker 2: this craving halfway through, and then I was traveling the world.
Speaker 2: I was living in Paris, I was living in la
Speaker 2: I was kind of doing everything traveling the world, and
Speaker 2: then kind of like in my late twenties, I had
Speaker 2: this urge to go back to studying the brain. I
Speaker 2: was like, okay, I need to go back. I need
Speaker 2: to I don't know, it was like just biting at me.
Speaker 2: So yeah, in my late twenties, I then decided to
Speaker 2: go back to my masters. Had this like full on breakup,
Speaker 2: and I thought, okay, I need a change. I'm getting
Speaker 2: back into it. So went back into my masters, and
Speaker 2: I kind of thought, Okay, I have to do something
Speaker 2: with the brain for the rest of my life. It's
Speaker 2: like my purpose. And I just didn't really want to
Speaker 2: work in a clinical setting. I didn't want to work
Speaker 2: with patients one on one because I'm so outgoing, and
Speaker 2: that's what I loved about teaching polarates all the time.
Speaker 2: You know, you've got your class, you've got your people there,
Speaker 2: and so I just thought, Okay, I love talking about
Speaker 2: the brain. I love being on stage. Maybe just have
Speaker 2: a podcast and so I can talk about it and
Speaker 2: have people message me. And I literally just did it
Speaker 2: as a labor of love to start with. And then
Speaker 2: about I would say like seven months in from starting
Speaker 2: the podcast, I ended up just quitting my full time
Speaker 2: job and just doing the podcast while I was still
Speaker 2: at UNI, and now now we're here. Wow' that's honestly incredible.
Speaker 4: First of all, I didn't know that you were a
Speaker 4: Polarates instructor.
Speaker 2: How bloody fun. I know, I loved it. I mean
Speaker 2: I still do it all the time.
Speaker 4: But were you teaching fitness around the world.
Speaker 2: Yes. I was able to take it to Paris, I
Speaker 2: took it to la I used to live in Brisbane,
Speaker 2: that moved to Sydney, and so everywhere I've lived. In
Speaker 2: most places i've lived, I've been able to travel and
Speaker 2: teach Polarti because it's so versatile. You can do Matt
Speaker 2: Poliiti's you can do train people at home, you can.
Speaker 2: I was mainly teaching Reformer, but when I traveled, I
Speaker 2: was teaching Matt.
Speaker 4: I love how you spoke about having this like a
Speaker 4: burning desire and you're like, I need to teach people
Speaker 4: about how the brain works and help people, and look
Speaker 4: what has happened now.
Speaker 2: Ps.
Speaker 4: I'm a big fan of your podcast, so thank you,
Speaker 4: big fan. I love when people can really bridge the
Speaker 4: gap of like science but also explain it to me
Speaker 4: in like a way I'm gonna understand because I'm not
Speaker 4: a science person.
Speaker 2: Totally, totally, and that's what I was trying to do
Speaker 2: because I thought, I feel like, if you can break
Speaker 2: down science in a way that's really digestible for everyone,
Speaker 2: more people would love it because it's I'm just obsessed
Speaker 2: with it. But I think, you know some topics that
Speaker 2: I would learn. I thought, oh my god, it took
Speaker 2: me so long to grasp that. I wish I could
Speaker 2: just understand all these topics, even in a nutshell, like
Speaker 2: you don't have to go in depth with so many
Speaker 2: topics just to get a generalunderstanding. So I thought, if
Speaker 2: I could do that and also teach people why they're
Speaker 2: thinking a certain way or why they feel like they're
Speaker 2: why in a certain way, and how you can change
Speaker 2: that and teach them kind of the science behind it.
Speaker 2: I think people are more likely to try something new
Speaker 2: if they're like, Okay, this isn't just someone telling me,
Speaker 2: just oh, just do this without yes, why this is happening.
Speaker 2: I think people love to understand where something's coming from
Speaker 2: in order to kind of put it into practice, because
Speaker 2: people can be really skeptical sometimes.
Speaker 4: I think when it comes yeah, changing, but that's even
Speaker 4: I talk a lot about it my podcast almost there's
Speaker 4: science behind like manifesting.
Speaker 2: Yeah, because manifesting.
Speaker 4: Can be like so we were so like spiritual that
Speaker 4: if you can kind of bring in thre's actually science
Speaker 4: facts around it and people can get around it a
Speaker 4: bit more.
Speaker 2: That's right. That's right. And I think people people think, Okay, well,
Speaker 2: you've gotten that way due to all these external circumstances
Speaker 2: like luk and this and that. But there's actually so
Speaker 2: much to be said for changing your mindset and how
Speaker 2: you approach something and how that can actually completely transform
Speaker 2: your life just in the span of a few months
Speaker 2: or a year, you know. And when people hear that,
Speaker 2: at first they're like, okay, yeah, right, and then you
Speaker 2: start breaking down like how a thought literally will create
Speaker 2: your day once you get it and you imply it.
Speaker 2: Then you look back and think, oh, no, wonder all
Speaker 2: that shit went down the way it did, or no,
Speaker 2: wonder this never happened for me. Before you know, you're.
Speaker 4: Like, oh, it makes sense, well talking about science. So
Speaker 4: your new book, The Neuroscience of Self Love, I was
Speaker 4: just telling all excess of air.
Speaker 2: I'm obsessed here at R and C.
Speaker 4: We're all obsessed, and I like I said, like, I
Speaker 4: love how you really breach a bridge the gap?
Speaker 2: Sorry, can you tell us a little bit?
Speaker 4: What was the reasoning behind and bringing out a self
Speaker 4: love book?
Speaker 2: So with the podcast that I do, so every episode
Speaker 2: that I put out, I always my purpose behind every
Speaker 2: single episode, no matter what the topic is, to help
Speaker 2: people improve their relationship with themselves. That's kind of like
Speaker 2: the underlying theme of everything that I do. And so
Speaker 2: I thought, okay, if this is what I want to
Speaker 2: do for people, what I want to provide for people,
Speaker 2: I thought, okay, what is the thing that ties everything together?
Speaker 2: And what's the thing that people ask me the most
Speaker 2: when I put out question boxes on Instagram on the
Speaker 2: Facebook page. And the main thing is people are always
Speaker 2: wanting to know how to increase their self love. That
Speaker 2: is the biggest one. And I found that if you
Speaker 2: can have higher levels of self love, everything changes your
Speaker 2: career and how you experience that will change your every relationship.
Speaker 2: If you love yourself, all your relationships that are good
Speaker 2: get better and the ones that are bad or toxic
Speaker 2: just disappear. They eliminate themselves out of your life because
Speaker 2: you've kind of leveled up to a different version of yourself.
Speaker 2: And so I thought, okay, well, given that self love
Speaker 2: is the biggest topic. How can I talk about it
Speaker 2: from a scientific standpoint instead of just saying just to
Speaker 2: do this one thing or just say something, you know,
Speaker 2: I want to give the science behind why an affirmation
Speaker 2: is helpful and how to give yourself a positive affirmation
Speaker 2: that works, the science behind why the way you were
Speaker 2: brought up does impact your life now, but how you
Speaker 2: can change that and just you know, all these things
Speaker 2: end up impacting how you interpret or how you perceive
Speaker 2: yourself and how you love yourself.
Speaker 4: Well, let's talk about that, because something that you just
Speaker 4: touched on was, you know, an affirmation. So could you
Speaker 4: kind of break down and give us an example. So personally,
Speaker 4: I'm a huge person that I love affirmations.
Speaker 2: I really like.
Speaker 4: Of course they've got to mean a lot to me,
Speaker 4: but I really can like get in the zone and
Speaker 4: I have I actually have three affirmations I focus on
Speaker 4: and they change according to like my goals and how
Speaker 4: I'm feeling. But for example, can you break down why
Speaker 4: affirmations are great and how I guess they scientifically work
Speaker 4: because I don't actually know.
Speaker 2: I just know they work for me. Yeah, yeah, no, definitely,
Speaker 2: And look, they I think a lot of people think
Speaker 2: that affirmations, if they've tried them, they don't work. And
Speaker 2: the reason why maybe some people feel that way to
Speaker 2: start with is because sometimes somebody who's grown up with
Speaker 2: a very set way of thinking of you know, I'm
Speaker 2: worth this, I deserve this. My relationships are bad because
Speaker 2: of X. Like, if you have these constant thoughts, it
Speaker 2: becomes really difficult to think of a thought that's very
Speaker 2: far from that. And so because sometimes it feels so
Speaker 2: far fetched, you end up quickly canceling it out in
Speaker 2: your own mind, saying that's a lie, that's a lie,
Speaker 2: that's a lie. So what I always say to people
Speaker 2: is you have to learn how to get an affirmation
Speaker 2: to really work for you. And the first thing you
Speaker 2: can do is to neutralize the thought as much as possible.
Speaker 2: So if you're saying to yourself, oh, I'm a failure,
Speaker 2: I'm a failure, I'm a failure, that's very very negative.
Speaker 2: And then if I were to say to yourself start
Speaker 2: telling yourself that you're successful, that person's going to say, well, no,
Speaker 2: I'm not, And I feel like an idiot, and I
Speaker 2: feel like I'm lying to myself. That's ridiculous. So then
Speaker 2: they don't even try. So then what I would say
Speaker 2: is neutralize that thought. Just think I failed at and
Speaker 2: name a specific thing that you failed at. So that way,
Speaker 2: instead of beings so universal, you bring it down to
Speaker 2: the specifics. Then expand on that and say I failed
Speaker 2: at this. However, I'm capable of passing if I did this,
Speaker 2: you know, so you start to make statements that start
Speaker 2: to become believable. Once a statement like that doesn't seem
Speaker 2: so far fetched, you then get that person to say
Speaker 2: I'm capable of passing things. Get rid of the word failure,
Speaker 2: and then from capable, and you start to expand, expand, expand,
Speaker 2: And once that person starts to have a more positive
Speaker 2: opinion of themselves and they can say positive statements, you
Speaker 2: start to increase it and increase it and increase it.
Speaker 2: Everyone obviously starts at a different level when it comes
Speaker 2: to affirmation. Some people straight off the bat can start
Speaker 2: saying things that feel exciting to them from the beginning.
Speaker 2: But what you have to think is is this believable
Speaker 2: for me? It doesn't have to be believable right now
Speaker 2: in my reality, but is it believable? The moment something
Speaker 2: becomes believable, you can just subcontract that to your subconscious mind,
Speaker 2: and then your subconscious mind will start repeating and repeating
Speaker 2: and repeating when you don't even have to put in
Speaker 2: the effort of thinking that thought and something. Sorry, I
Speaker 2: just want to peeedback off that there.
Speaker 4: So you're saying, what the why the affirmations work of
Speaker 4: seeing to believe at first? But is it because it
Speaker 4: is then in your subconscious.
Speaker 2: Yes, So then once something is in your subconscious, then
Speaker 2: you start to behave in a way that reflects that
Speaker 2: internal belief. It's called an internal working model, and it's
Speaker 2: our beliefs around ourselves, our capabilities, and how the world
Speaker 2: is going to treat us. So everyone's gone. And I
Speaker 2: talk a little bit about it in the book about
Speaker 2: your internal working model. But once you can do enough
Speaker 2: training on yourself and how you perceive people in the world,
Speaker 2: then that internal working model starts to change. And so
Speaker 2: then if you've got an idea of let's take study,
Speaker 2: for example, if you have ingrained in yourself that you're
Speaker 2: capable of passing when you sit down to do something,
Speaker 2: you have primed yourself to know that you can do it,
Speaker 2: even if you have even started studying the subject yet
Speaker 2: you haven't started even learning, but you know you're capable.
Speaker 2: So the way you start learning, you're a lot more relaxed,
Speaker 2: you're a lot more receptive to things that you're going
Speaker 2: to learn. You're willing to do something that is difficult
Speaker 2: or that appears to be difficult, versus if you're saying
Speaker 2: I'm a failure, I'm a failure, and a failure, you'll
Speaker 2: sit down, you be so stressed, you'll psych yourself out,
Speaker 2: and you will fail. It becomes this kind of this
Speaker 2: self fulfilling prophecy.
Speaker 4: Almost another concept in the book that I really want
Speaker 4: you to expand on me because I haven't.
Speaker 2: Really I don't know.
Speaker 4: I've heard a couple of people talk about it. But
Speaker 4: then the way you said it in the book, I
Speaker 4: had this like massive light bulb moment, which I love
Speaker 4: because there's so many concepts in your book like that.
Speaker 4: So you were kind of saying in the book your
Speaker 4: future self and how we have these rose colored glasses
Speaker 4: for a future self, like thinking, we're going to have
Speaker 4: so much, you know, motivation, and we're going to do
Speaker 4: their things, and I'll be that person once I become
Speaker 4: that person, And then you're kind of like your future
Speaker 4: self is your current self, So like.
Speaker 2: What do you mean? And I loved it. My mind
Speaker 2: was like, oh my, I think so yeah, so so
Speaker 2: simple and so good, so simple, let's talk about this. Yeah,
Speaker 2: when you come to the realization. So basically, if you
Speaker 2: think about who you are today is based on all
Speaker 2: the things you've thought and done in the past up
Speaker 2: until this very moment, then you think, Okay, if that's
Speaker 2: the case, then who I am next week or in
Speaker 2: a year. It's not what I'm doing in the future,
Speaker 2: it's what I'm doing right now is going to determine
Speaker 2: my future self because right now I'm who you are
Speaker 2: right now, who I am right now. We are a
Speaker 2: representation of our past, of our past week, year, decade,
Speaker 2: you know, everything we do, our routines, our life, what
Speaker 2: we've achieved, that's just a representation of the past. What
Speaker 2: we're doing right now is then going to determine our future.
Speaker 2: And often when we will get all excited with that,
Speaker 2: motivated and we say I'm gonna do this, I'm going
Speaker 2: to do that, I'm gonna I'm gonna stop it in
Speaker 2: cake every single night, I'm gonna you know, study, I'll
Speaker 2: start on Monday, and we instantly. You know, motivation's great
Speaker 2: when you're sitting on the couch doing the thing that
Speaker 2: you say you're going to stop doing. It's so easy
Speaker 2: to talk about how you're going to eat clean while
Speaker 2: you're eating you know, a food that you say you're
Speaker 2: not going to eat, or it's so easy to talk
Speaker 2: about how you're going to be really determined with your
Speaker 2: study when you're kind of lying on the beach, being like,
Speaker 2: on Monday, I'm going to study so hard. It's easy
Speaker 2: to do that because you are You're giving all the
Speaker 2: work that you're supposed to be doing to your future self.
Speaker 2: You know you're making you're taking the work from yourself
Speaker 2: and saying, oh, someone else can do it, but that
Speaker 2: someone else is my future self. But will fall for
Speaker 2: this lie every single time, will always fall for the
Speaker 2: lie that our future self will want to do it,
Speaker 2: even though we've proved to ourself time and time again
Speaker 2: that our future self when we get to that point,
Speaker 2: does not want to do it. So if you're not
Speaker 2: willing to do something now, be aware that your future
Speaker 2: self also won't be willing to do it. Don't expect
Speaker 2: to do something when you want to do it, because
Speaker 2: if you don't want to do it now, You're not
Speaker 2: going to want to do it later, So you're going
Speaker 2: to need something more than just want to get something done,
Speaker 2: you know. And that's when I always say, even if
Speaker 2: you do, you know, like ten percent of it or
Speaker 2: five percent of it, you always say, what am I
Speaker 2: telling my future self if I don't do this thing
Speaker 2: right now? You know, I have to give do a
Speaker 2: favor for my future self instead of giving more work
Speaker 2: to the leief tomorrow than me of next week. Something
Speaker 2: I'd love.
Speaker 4: For you to touch on, because that's such a great
Speaker 4: point of Sometimes I feel like self love can almost
Speaker 4: get this label that you know, self love is taking
Speaker 4: a bath and it's not doing the thing and just
Speaker 4: being kind to yourself, and of course all those things
Speaker 4: can be self love. But I loved what you said
Speaker 4: then of self love actually sometimes is like getting up
Speaker 4: and doing the thing when you don't want to, because that's, yeah,
Speaker 4: that's what your future self, you know, would do.
Speaker 2: How you kind of know that line.
Speaker 4: And you know when to push through and like when
Speaker 4: to step back, and yeah, how do we get there?
Speaker 2: I think there's a big difference in understanding the like
Speaker 2: first that you've got to understand, you know, balance in
Speaker 2: your own life. So there's a difference between not being
Speaker 2: in the mood versus being burnt out and you know,
Speaker 2: really needing to take the time for yourself versus thinking,
Speaker 2: I'm not in the mood, but I really could be
Speaker 2: doing this thing. And then there's also a difference with
Speaker 2: a lot of people are constantly doing something for people
Speaker 2: around them, or their work or their job, or things
Speaker 2: that they absolutely have to do because there's a deadline
Speaker 2: or they have to do it or they're not going
Speaker 2: to get paid, versus doing the things that they're passionate about.
Speaker 2: And we'll always put the things that we're passionate about
Speaker 2: on the back burner because that's what gets that's what
Speaker 2: we get to last, and those are the things that
Speaker 2: we end up regretting not doing in the future. We
Speaker 2: look back in five ten years time, and the things
Speaker 2: that we're most bummed about about ourselves is I wish
Speaker 2: I had just picked up the guitar five years ago.
Speaker 2: What that's I've always wanted to do it, and why
Speaker 2: didn't I do it? Just little things, whether it's just
Speaker 2: a hobby or whether it's a big passion to change
Speaker 2: the world, that's the thing that gets to us the
Speaker 2: most when we didn't dedicate time to what we were
Speaker 2: passionate about, you know. And so with self love, when
Speaker 2: we talk about self love, a lot of the time
Speaker 2: you have to start. It's just like an itch. All
Speaker 2: you have to do is start to scratch, and then
Speaker 2: you'll just keep going and going and going. You know,
Speaker 2: when you put a bit of time for your future
Speaker 2: self every single day, you get to a point where
Speaker 2: not doing it feels so weird.
Speaker 4: And well, let's chat about I want to kind of
Speaker 4: switch gears and chat about happiness because I found it
Speaker 4: so interesting. Of in the book you discuss like we
Speaker 4: have three pillars of happiness being connection, growth, purpose, which
Speaker 4: it's so funny because I don't know if you ever
Speaker 4: do this with books, but like I'm reading it and
Speaker 4: I'm like, of course that makes so much sense. But
Speaker 4: before you said these are the three pillars of happiness,
Speaker 4: I always do this thing where I like, I try
Speaker 4: and guess.
Speaker 2: It wasn't correct, and then you said them, and I
Speaker 2: was like, oh, of course, I love that.
Speaker 4: It's just like a silly side note. Can you tell
Speaker 4: us some ways, just maybe some quick examples of how
Speaker 4: how we can strengthen these three pillars, and I guess
Speaker 4: like bring them as priorities because they are so simple.
Speaker 4: But I feel like a lot of us are not
Speaker 4: really prioritizing these.
Speaker 2: Yeah, totally, So you've got it, so we'll break them down. Connection.
Speaker 2: You've got to look at connection and is real connection.
Speaker 2: So I think a lot of people wearing a you know,
Speaker 2: it sounds a bit counterintuitive when you're talking about yourself
Speaker 2: to then talk about connection with other people than others,
Speaker 2: but you've got to look at it as true connection.
Speaker 2: Often we're so quote unquote connected with emails, phones, you know,
Speaker 2: social media, all of that, but that's not a really
Speaker 2: real authentic connection. A true connection is like how often
Speaker 2: do you actually sit down and talk to somebody and
Speaker 2: not even have your phone on the table and just
Speaker 2: have it put away? And the same goes for the
Speaker 2: other person when you're just talking, just the two of you,
Speaker 2: really just talking about and your phone's on silent. Not
Speaker 2: very often. That doesn't happen that often. And if you're
Speaker 2: someone who's not social connected to nature, how often you
Speaker 2: outside with no music, nothing playing in your ears, like
Speaker 2: nothing and just being outside and feeling connected or the
Speaker 2: same goes with an animal. So if you don't have
Speaker 2: to have connection with people to work on your connection.
Speaker 2: But it's this idea of how often am I actually
Speaker 2: present in the moment with the intention to feel connected
Speaker 2: either to the earth, an animal, my relatives, my best friends.
Speaker 2: So that's one thing to focus on. When you start
Speaker 2: doing that every single day, you start to feel really
Speaker 2: grounded and calm, because one of the biggest the worst
Speaker 2: things you can do to someone is solitary confinement. You know,
Speaker 2: remove them from any chance connection, and that's just the
Speaker 2: worst torture. So give yourself that and be the person
Speaker 2: at the table who while everyone's on the phone, you're
Speaker 2: not on your phone, and you don't even have to
Speaker 2: make a comment. You can just look around. I sometimes
Speaker 2: do that on purpose, if everyone's on the phone, I'll
Speaker 2: purposely put my phone away and I'll be like, let's
Speaker 2: just observe, let's be present and look around, And then
Speaker 2: people are like, oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, And you don't
Speaker 2: have to say a thing. You know, sometimes it's really
Speaker 2: good to do that, and you realize, I don't know,
Speaker 2: I feel like you just end up feeling more connected.
Speaker 2: You're not even annoyed that people on your phone because
Speaker 2: you're just that present. So that's connection. Then there's growth.
Speaker 2: Growth is I always look at you always look at
Speaker 2: your life like everything's moving all the time. People are
Speaker 2: always changing your life, situations changing, people are growing up,
Speaker 2: you're becoming more mature. So if you're not constantly focusing
Speaker 2: on your own growth, you're going to feel like you're
Speaker 2: falling behind and that the world is passing you by.
Speaker 2: And that's one of the worst feelings to feel because
Speaker 2: you feel like maybe you haven't fulfilled your potential and
Speaker 2: you don't want to get to your end off your
Speaker 2: life feeling that way. So when you think about growth,
Speaker 2: you want to look at your what you do, and
Speaker 2: it doesn't have to be in every area. It can
Speaker 2: just be one area at a time. But feel that
Speaker 2: by the end of the day, I want to have
Speaker 2: experienced or learned something that I haven't already done in
Speaker 2: my life, you know. So I always say to people,
Speaker 2: if you're lost for ideas, start a really random thing
Speaker 2: to get good at, like a Rubik's cube or like
Speaker 2: something so basic, or you know, start learning a language
Speaker 2: on one of those apps or whatever. It's something where
Speaker 2: you're like, wow, I've actually given myself something that I
Speaker 2: never had. And the beauty about growth is it's earned.
Speaker 2: You can't buy it, you can't borrow it. It earned
Speaker 2: and when you earn something, it feels good to earn something,
Speaker 2: you know, So I always say, try and earn as
Speaker 2: much as you can, try and earn a good relationship
Speaker 2: with somebody, earn a great connection, earn knowledge, and it
Speaker 2: feels very fulfilling to do that. And then the last one,
Speaker 2: which is purpose, is try and do something every day
Speaker 2: that makes you feel that you could do that. The
Speaker 2: more you do it, the better you feel. You know.
Speaker 2: Sometimes we do things that are really good and we
Speaker 2: feel a really great outside ourselves, but they're draining, and
Speaker 2: purpose shouldn't feel draining. And I think a lot of
Speaker 2: people get tied up on the idea of purpose because
Speaker 2: they think they have to be changing the world or
Speaker 2: they have to be influencing so many people in order
Speaker 2: for it to be a purpose. And my main go to,
Speaker 2: I think I haven't said it in the book, but
Speaker 2: my main go to for someone who has no idea
Speaker 2: what their purpose is is to make three strangers smile
Speaker 2: a day. Make that your purpose for the next week.
Speaker 2: And you feel so good when you make three strangers smile.
Speaker 2: It could even be just by looking at them and smiling.
Speaker 2: It could be by going up to a total random
Speaker 2: and say, I love your perfume. Amazing, you know anything,
Speaker 2: but it's this little thing. And then you feel so good.
Speaker 2: You feel better in yourself than the person you just
Speaker 2: complimented with, the person you just smiled at. It's such
Speaker 2: an amazing feeling, and you think, wow, something so simple.
Speaker 2: It's so easy to positively influence someone's day, or to
Speaker 2: do something little. I'll grub up that piece of rubbish
Speaker 2: and put it in the bin whatever. But make your
Speaker 2: purpose so basic, and then you realize that it's quite
Speaker 2: easy to feel that feeling. We make it up in
Speaker 2: our head that it's got to be this crazy, big
Speaker 2: thing for humanity, but you already are doing something big
Speaker 2: for humanity. If you're making somebody feel better about themselves.
Speaker 4: You know, it's almost like you could have those almost
Speaker 4: like three columns and you kind of just like tick
Speaker 4: off something every single day exactly.
Speaker 2: That's beautiful.
Speaker 4: All right, let's again switch gears and this part of
Speaker 4: your book, the chapters called validation, self worth, and confidence. Yes,
Speaker 4: this chapter hit hard for me because I've definitely aware
Speaker 4: of this for you know, years now, But my early twenties,
Speaker 4: validation really controlled me. Started off with my parents, and
Speaker 4: you know, I really made decisions of rather than leaning into,
Speaker 4: you know, what felt authentically me or what I really
Speaker 4: wanted to what was going to make me happy, it
Speaker 4: was always about validation and then you know, that was
Speaker 4: my self worth and that would then control my confidence.
Speaker 2: So I loved this chapter.
Speaker 4: Something that I'd love for you to kind of like
Speaker 4: touch on a bit more is like when validation is
Speaker 4: positive first negative? Because I love that you did touch
Speaker 4: on that you know it can be positive.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think people it's natural to want to be
Speaker 2: validated to an extent. Like said earlier, when I when
Speaker 2: we talk about connection, how I said, connection is vital.
Speaker 2: You know, it's a human need and if we don't
Speaker 2: have it, we suffer so much. So given that, it
Speaker 2: makes sense that needing to fit into your community, family, tribe,
Speaker 2: whatever you want to call it, is also a human need.
Speaker 2: We have to to an extent fit in in the
Speaker 2: sense of we don't want to be outed, okay, or
Speaker 2: we don't want to be rejected or abandoned. So understanding
Speaker 2: that that's a human need you feel less bad about
Speaker 2: the fact that you might value validation from external sources
Speaker 2: so much. But you have to kind of break it
Speaker 2: up into different categories, like what is validation that I
Speaker 2: shouldn't feel bad about wanting? And what's validation that I
Speaker 2: should care less about? And I think that the validation
Speaker 2: that's truly important is you got to ask yourself, does
Speaker 2: this person who I'm seeking validation from have my best
Speaker 2: interest at heart? Like do they really care for me?
Speaker 2: And even if they do, it doesn't matter if you
Speaker 2: don't agree with them, and if they turn around and say,
Speaker 2: I actually don't like what you're doing, whatever, it doesn't matter.
Speaker 2: But sometimes it's comforting to know that they understand you
Speaker 2: and care about you. Another thing to think about is
Speaker 2: if this person's a mentor. Do I look up to
Speaker 2: this person because I respect the work they've done, because
Speaker 2: I'm learning from them, because they're a protector or whatever
Speaker 2: it is. If you see this person as a mentor
Speaker 2: who can help you in your journey, that's a great
Speaker 2: person to seek validation from in not in every aspect
Speaker 2: of your life, but in maybe your work for example,
Speaker 2: and also you know, colleagues, co workers, whatever. Sometimes it
Speaker 2: is healthy to seek validation as far as your work
Speaker 2: is concerned or whatever. You're working on your craft, but
Speaker 2: every other form of validation you have to really be
Speaker 2: ruthless and say is their opinion worth like is it
Speaker 2: does it directly impact my life? Directly? Does what I
Speaker 2: do directly impact their life? So often the main one
Speaker 2: that people feel is towards their parents. Like you mentioned,
Speaker 2: it's a huge one. Parents have this idea of how
Speaker 2: they want their child to live their life, and they're
Speaker 2: not doing it. Most of the time. Parents are doing
Speaker 2: it because they love They love you, They want this,
Speaker 2: so their idea for great life, they've imprinted that on you,
Speaker 2: and they presume that you have the same idea of
Speaker 2: what a great life is. So they want it for
Speaker 2: you and they think that you should want it to
Speaker 2: And that's very normal. And they're not doing it because
Speaker 2: they're trying to make your life difficult. They're doing it
Speaker 2: because they're trying to help you and they really want
Speaker 2: the best for you. But you've got to ask yourself.
Speaker 2: You know yourself more than anyone else knows you, and
Speaker 2: you have to ask yourself. By me not doing that degree,
Speaker 2: or by me not having this lifestyle or by me
Speaker 2: not dating that person and dating this person that I
Speaker 2: want to date. Is it directly impacting my parents' life?
Speaker 2: And what I've bean by directly is are they involved
Speaker 2: in that decision making process and should they be? And
Speaker 2: most cases the answer is no. It only indirectly affects
Speaker 2: them in the sense that they're like, oh, but I
Speaker 2: have an idea for you and you and now I'm
Speaker 2: sad because now I have to erase that idea and
Speaker 2: have a new idea. And that's a lot of effort
Speaker 2: for a lot of people. And so you always have
Speaker 2: to think is this a direct impact or indirect? And
Speaker 2: if the answer is indirect, then keep going as you are,
Speaker 2: keep doing what you're doing. If it's directly impacting someone,
Speaker 2: that's when you consult with them. That's when you think, okay, listen,
Speaker 2: let's talk about it. Like if you're thinking I'm going
Speaker 2: to move to another city but you're married with children,
Speaker 2: that directly impacts your partner, you absolutely have to discuss that,
Speaker 2: do you know what I mean? So there's not many
Speaker 2: times that it does directly impact and that's when you
Speaker 2: seek validation from the other person, validation from your ideas
Speaker 2: and whatever. That's when you work together. But if it's
Speaker 2: an indirect thing, you think, I'm sorry that you have
Speaker 2: to You have to be ruthless and keep that separation.
Speaker 4: So important and also just so important to have those
Speaker 4: boundaries in place massively, massively.
Speaker 2: And a lot of the time, you know, we give
Speaker 2: too much away. Sometimes we ask for we ask for
Speaker 2: approval when we know someone's not going to approve. Stop
Speaker 2: asking for approval if you're not prepared for whatever, for
Speaker 2: any answer. A lot of the time people ask for
Speaker 2: approval hoping to get an answer. Don't hope when it
Speaker 2: comes to when you ask for approval. If you're asking
Speaker 2: for something, be prepared for anything. Otherwise, don't ask and
Speaker 2: just do it. You know.
Speaker 4: Also, what's your kind of take on Well, maybe I
Speaker 4: won't ask that because that's such an open end aggression.
Speaker 4: But if we're talking about self worth, obviously, you know
Speaker 4: the whole book is you give so many tips on
Speaker 4: because you know your self worth is very much attached
Speaker 4: to your self love.
Speaker 2: But like with self worth.
Speaker 4: What is something that we can do to strengthen our
Speaker 4: self worth?
Speaker 2: Yes, so when you look at self worth, I think
Speaker 2: one of the best things you can do is obviously
Speaker 2: focusing on those three pillars before about growth and all
Speaker 2: of that, but you also have to One thing that
Speaker 2: I love to do is I love to remind myself
Speaker 2: of a time where I wished that I was living
Speaker 2: the life that I'm living now, Because it's really easy
Speaker 2: to feel down on yourself because you've got pressures, external pressures,
Speaker 2: there's expectations you yourself, have deadlines that you have to
Speaker 2: fulfill that you've set up for yourself. But then sometimes
Speaker 2: and you feel really down and you think I'm not
Speaker 2: doing enough. I'm not this, I'm not that. It just
Speaker 2: feels like you're not enough sometimes, and then I like
Speaker 2: to remind myself the time where I really felt like, wow,
Speaker 2: I wish I could work for myself. That's one thing
Speaker 2: that I used to really so badly want And now
Speaker 2: you know, I look back and when I'm feeling really
Speaker 2: bummed and down and I've got so much on my plate,
Speaker 2: I think, well, okay, take a step back. You can
Speaker 2: try and like ease the load, but also think about
Speaker 2: a time where you would have killed for this life,
Speaker 2: like this is amazing, and you've achieved that yourself, Like
Speaker 2: you've done that for yourself, So try and remind yourself
Speaker 2: of these things often, because you know, ten twenty years
Speaker 2: can pass and you might have never turned around and
Speaker 2: thought about where you are now, and the fact that
Speaker 2: you did that, you know, and that can help you
Speaker 2: feel worthy because you want to be worthy in your
Speaker 2: own eyes. It's easy to be worthy in someone else's
Speaker 2: eyes here and there. You know, you keep changing the
Speaker 2: person that you're worthy, and you know that's fine, but
Speaker 2: it's not that easy to feel worthy in your eyes consistently.
Speaker 2: So it's something that you always have to be reminding
Speaker 2: yourself of the things that you've done for you and
Speaker 2: it helps you feel worthy. That that is so powerful.
Speaker 2: And I was like just thinking, I was like, I
Speaker 2: need to do this more. You do? You do? And you,
Speaker 2: I mean like you've done so much with your life,
Speaker 2: and it's it's easy to just keep going and going
Speaker 2: and going and going, because you, you know, keeps adding
Speaker 2: up and adding up and there's more and more work
Speaker 2: to do. But then it's also so important to just
Speaker 2: pause and be like, where was that a year ago?
Speaker 2: And what did I want? And I'm probably pasted that
Speaker 2: I've probably done more than that and I haven't even stopped.
Speaker 2: As in other Roses.
Speaker 4: That's so true. I actually did something like that recently
Speaker 4: where I didn't hit a certain like, you know, work
Speaker 4: goal that I had set for myself, and I was
Speaker 4: just feeling a bit down and a bit deflated, and
Speaker 4: I had to remind myself of being like, yeah, do
Speaker 4: you literally remember when you used to work in.
Speaker 2: Nine to five?
Speaker 4: All you wanted was like something for yourself and to
Speaker 4: you know, even the fact that my all my businesses
Speaker 4: are based on empowering women. And if like I could
Speaker 4: go back and you know, tell my old self that,
Speaker 4: she would be like, are you kidding me?
Speaker 2: So imagine exactly. Yeah, I had to have that remind us.
Speaker 2: So that's so good.
Speaker 4: The last thing that I want to tattoo about alexis
Speaker 4: and I loved reading this in the book because this
Speaker 4: podcast something I'm just so huge about. You know, one
Speaker 4: of our tag lines is like to be your authentic self.
Speaker 4: When you're your authentic self and you're in alignment, like
Speaker 4: you're you're unstoppable, that is where your power lies. And
Speaker 4: that comes from a very personal place of Again, in
Speaker 4: my early twenties, I very much was trying to be
Speaker 4: everyone but myself. Could you kind of unpack that I remember.
Speaker 4: The sentence says, you know, being your authentic self is
Speaker 4: one of the greatest forms of self love, and I
Speaker 4: loved reading that.
Speaker 2: Can you umpact that and talk to us about that? Yeah,
Speaker 2: for sure. So look at it from reverse. When you're
Speaker 2: not being your authentic self, you know, when you interact
Speaker 2: with people, when you're you know, working, when you're trying
Speaker 2: to get your crush to notice you. When you're not
Speaker 2: being who you are, you're basically telling yourself who I
Speaker 2: actually am and what I have to offer is not enough,
Speaker 2: So I now have to and to be this in
Speaker 2: order to be enough. So instantly you are self consciously
Speaker 2: telling yourself, oh, not good enough, not good enough. We
Speaker 2: need to pretend. We need to grab this, We need
Speaker 2: to you know, grab all this stuff to fluff up
Speaker 2: who we are, and then I might just be good
Speaker 2: enough for that crush to talk to me, for that
Speaker 2: person to whatever. And the reason that we don't act
Speaker 2: as our authentic or not act, the reason we don't
Speaker 2: just be our authentic self in a lot of moments,
Speaker 2: is because we see it as vulnerability. We think, if
Speaker 2: I get rejected when I'm really my authentic self, then
Speaker 2: I can't fathom the pain, like that's just too much
Speaker 2: to handle. So when not vulnerable, we don't put ourselves
Speaker 2: out there completely vulnerably. We have the wall up. We
Speaker 2: have these you know, we add to who you are,
Speaker 2: and you're not completely the true you. You pretend or
Speaker 2: you behave in a certain way that's going to please someone,
Speaker 2: and then you still get or it might get rejected
Speaker 2: and then you think, oh god, you know, I was
Speaker 2: trying so hard and even then they didn't like me.
Speaker 2: What you need to understand is that being vulnerable and
Speaker 2: being who you are and then still getting rejected is
Speaker 2: not more painful than being rejected when you're not vulnerable.
Speaker 2: I think we think that vulnerability is the worst pain
Speaker 2: in the world, but it's not. It's the best time
Speaker 2: saver you could ever engage in in your life being
Speaker 2: vulnerable because you eliminate so many people that are not
Speaker 2: really they're interested in who you are. You eliminate so
Speaker 2: many connections that are just not right for you. By
Speaker 2: being your authentic self, you do yourself a huge favor. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I think that if you were to turn around and say,
Speaker 2: you know what, I'm going to approach the situation just
Speaker 2: being me, still being polite and respectful, but being me.
Speaker 2: And if I don't like something, I don't have to
Speaker 2: pretend I like it. If I don't agree with someone,
Speaker 2: I don't have to pretend I agree with them. I
Speaker 2: can still be super respectful and you know, all of
Speaker 2: the above, but just be me. When you do that,
Speaker 2: you start to feel a lot calmer, You start to
Speaker 2: stop needing people to like you, and you become a
Speaker 2: lot more okay with the fact that the people that
Speaker 2: like you probably really like you because it's the real
Speaker 2: you and the people that don't. It's not even a
Speaker 2: personal stab. It's just like I don't like everyone, and
Speaker 2: I don't hate the people that I don't like. I'm
Speaker 2: just not that interested in hanging around them, do you
Speaker 2: know what I mean? It's just understanding that when you
Speaker 2: are your true self, your authentic self, you have so
Speaker 2: much less pressure on yourself, You put less pressure on situations,
Speaker 2: and when someone likes you, it's so carefree because they're
Speaker 2: liking you for you.
Speaker 4: You know, that is just such incredible advice. Alexis, thank
Speaker 4: you so much for joining us on the party today
Speaker 4: and sharing so much wisdom with us.
Speaker 2: Guys.
Speaker 4: Obviously, if you want to dig it deeper into the
Speaker 4: neuroscience of self love. You have to pick up Alexis book.
Speaker 4: Can we find it in all good book places?
Speaker 2: Yea, there should be in all major bookstores like Dimmix, Kmart,
Speaker 2: bigw all of those, and then online. I think the
Speaker 2: main one online would be booked Topia. That would probably
Speaker 2: be the easiest one. Yeah.
Speaker 4: Love, And just to end the episode, Alexis, if someone
Speaker 4: can do one thing today for themselves to you know,
Speaker 4: increase their self love and work on it, what could
Speaker 4: they do?
Speaker 2: God, that's a good question. You only pick one and
Speaker 2: then they've got to find the rest of the book. Okay,
Speaker 2: to pick one thing to increase their self love, I
Speaker 2: would say, because this is my favorite thing to do.
Speaker 2: Dedicate alone time, not just today, but every single day,
Speaker 2: a pocket of alone time. That to me is like
Speaker 2: the biggest form of self love, being alone, even if
Speaker 2: just for thirty minutes, ten minutes, it is the best
Speaker 2: thing you can do for yourself.
Speaker 4: I love that so much. I love alone time. I
Speaker 4: am like my own best friend because I just need
Speaker 4: it to I'm very introverted, but I love that so much.
Speaker 2: I feel like I'm right on the cusp of the
Speaker 2: two and when I've realized that, I felt like such
Speaker 2: a relief. I'm like, Okay, I don't have to just
Speaker 2: identify with one because I'm so social. But then I
Speaker 2: get to the point where I'm like, if I'm not
Speaker 2: I'm gonna explode.
Speaker 4: I'm the exact same, and I think people find it's
Speaker 4: so interesting when I tell them I'm quite introverted, So like,
Speaker 4: what do you mean all you do is like talk
Speaker 4: to people and show up to like hundreds of thousands
Speaker 4: of people online, and I'm like, I know, but one
Speaker 4: hundred percent I would be similar to you on the cast,
Speaker 4: where I love to be social and I love connection,
Speaker 4: but I really need my alone time to recharge.
Speaker 2: And yeah, best for sure, Grimmar. Well, thank you so much, Alexis.
Speaker 4: Could you let the audience know obviously we know where
Speaker 4: to get your book, but where to find you and
Speaker 4: your podcasts?
Speaker 2: Yep, So the podcast is called do You Fucking Mind?
Speaker 2: And that's just wherever you listen to your podcast, and
Speaker 2: it's spelt like do you f asterisk asterix asterix, I
Speaker 2: g mind, And then on Instagram it's I've got the
Speaker 2: probably my personal one. I post more than the podcast one,
Speaker 2: but the podcast one is DYFM podcast long, I'm trying
Speaker 2: even know that, And then my own one is is
Speaker 2: Alexis pread as like pire d is it amazing?
Speaker 4: And I'll make sure I link those in the show notes,
Speaker 4: so don't worry to.
Speaker 2: Start it out amazing. Thank you, Thank you so much, Alexis,
Speaker 2: Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening to another episode of
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