1 00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:04,600 Speaker 1: The Rising Conquer Podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of the 2 00:00:04,680 --> 00:00:08,320 Speaker 1: land which this episode is being recorded, the Yugen Bear region. 3 00:00:08,920 --> 00:00:13,320 Speaker 1: We further acknowledge country throughout Australia and their connections to land, 4 00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:16,840 Speaker 1: sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders 5 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:20,880 Speaker 1: past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal 6 00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:34,040 Speaker 1: and terrest Raid Islander peoples today. Hello and welcome back 7 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:35,800 Speaker 1: to the Rise and Conquer Podcasts. 8 00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:38,520 Speaker 2: This is the podcast for ordinary. 9 00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:47,440 Speaker 1: People who want to do extraordinary things. 10 00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:53,159 Speaker 2: Make your purpose so basic and then you'll realize that 11 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:55,840 Speaker 2: it's quite easy to feel that feeling we make it 12 00:00:55,920 --> 00:00:57,760 Speaker 2: up in our head that it's got to be this crazy, 13 00:00:57,840 --> 00:01:01,280 Speaker 2: big thing for humanity. You already are doing something big 14 00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:04,080 Speaker 2: for humanity if you're making somebody feel better about themselves. 15 00:01:08,959 --> 00:01:12,479 Speaker 3: Hello and welcome back to the Rising Conquer Podcast. As 16 00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:15,720 Speaker 3: you can probably tell, I'm not Georgie. It's a tear 17 00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:19,000 Speaker 3: by the way I've taken over today's intro as ge 18 00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:22,839 Speaker 3: has completely lost her voice, but don't worry, her voice 19 00:01:22,959 --> 00:01:23,720 Speaker 3: was okay. 20 00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:24,680 Speaker 2: When we did the interview. 21 00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:28,760 Speaker 3: So on today's EPP we are interviewing Alexis Fernandez on 22 00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:32,640 Speaker 3: all Things self love, habits and commitment. She has a 23 00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:36,080 Speaker 3: master's in neuroscience so breaks everything down in easy to 24 00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:39,880 Speaker 3: understand small chunks, which we love. She has also just 25 00:01:39,959 --> 00:01:43,360 Speaker 3: released a new book called The Neuroscience of Self Love, 26 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:45,320 Speaker 3: and we are all a bit obsessed with it here 27 00:01:45,319 --> 00:01:48,320 Speaker 3: in the office. It's filled with actionable tips and really 28 00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:51,080 Speaker 3: cool insights on how you can work on your self 29 00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:53,800 Speaker 3: love without the fluff. I know Georgie usually gives an 30 00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:56,160 Speaker 3: update on her week, but as she can't speak, we'll 31 00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:58,520 Speaker 3: get her to chat about it in Friday's EP if 32 00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:00,920 Speaker 3: her voice is back, but I thought i'd give you 33 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:04,240 Speaker 3: a short update to day anyway. On Saturday, and H 34 00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:06,760 Speaker 3: had their biggest launch of the year, hosting the Candyland 35 00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:10,320 Speaker 3: Carnival at their HQ. It was literally the best launch 36 00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:12,400 Speaker 3: ever and I'm so glad I got to go. It 37 00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:15,000 Speaker 3: was such an incredible day and so nice to meet 38 00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:19,480 Speaker 3: everyone in person. The candy collection launched at five pm yesterday, 39 00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:22,600 Speaker 3: so definitely go get some if it isn't already sold out. 40 00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:26,000 Speaker 3: All the flavors in next Level and I'm completely obsessed. 41 00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:29,280 Speaker 3: My personal favorite has to be the Sour Peach stim 42 00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:33,239 Speaker 3: free pre workout. It honestly tastes just like my childhood 43 00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:36,000 Speaker 3: and I'm an afternoon workout gal, so this is perfect 44 00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:38,240 Speaker 3: for me. We can't wait for you to hear this 45 00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:39,560 Speaker 3: awesome chat with Alexius. 46 00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:42,120 Speaker 1: So let's get into the episode. 47 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:46,480 Speaker 4: Alexis, Welcome to the Rise and Tnker Podcast. 48 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:48,919 Speaker 2: Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here. 49 00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:53,760 Speaker 4: We are so excited to have you on the show. Firstly, 50 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,679 Speaker 4: for those who don't know you, could you just tell 51 00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:59,640 Speaker 4: us who you are and a little bit about what 52 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,120 Speaker 4: you did for sure. 53 00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:05,440 Speaker 2: So I'm My name's Alexis Fernandez, and I am a 54 00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:08,200 Speaker 2: well now I'm an author and a podcaster, but my 55 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:12,400 Speaker 2: background is in neuroscience. So I did my undergrad in 56 00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:15,200 Speaker 2: cognitive neuroscience kind of in my early twenties, and I 57 00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:18,160 Speaker 2: always was obsessed with the brain and I absolutely just 58 00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:21,600 Speaker 2: loved everything about the brain. And then I kind of 59 00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:24,920 Speaker 2: took some time off studying and I got into fitness. 60 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:27,880 Speaker 2: I became a politis instructor, and then I had like 61 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:30,000 Speaker 2: this craving halfway through, and then I was traveling the world. 62 00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:32,360 Speaker 2: I was living in Paris, I was living in la 63 00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:34,640 Speaker 2: I was kind of doing everything traveling the world, and 64 00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:36,960 Speaker 2: then kind of like in my late twenties, I had 65 00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:39,040 Speaker 2: this urge to go back to studying the brain. I 66 00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:40,720 Speaker 2: was like, okay, I need to go back. I need 67 00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:42,800 Speaker 2: to I don't know, it was like just biting at me. 68 00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:46,200 Speaker 2: So yeah, in my late twenties, I then decided to 69 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:48,520 Speaker 2: go back to my masters. Had this like full on breakup, 70 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:51,120 Speaker 2: and I thought, okay, I need a change. I'm getting 71 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:54,280 Speaker 2: back into it. So went back into my masters, and 72 00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:57,160 Speaker 2: I kind of thought, Okay, I have to do something 73 00:03:57,160 --> 00:03:58,800 Speaker 2: with the brain for the rest of my life. It's 74 00:03:58,840 --> 00:04:01,440 Speaker 2: like my purpose. And I just didn't really want to 75 00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:03,440 Speaker 2: work in a clinical setting. I didn't want to work 76 00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:06,920 Speaker 2: with patients one on one because I'm so outgoing, and 77 00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:09,520 Speaker 2: that's what I loved about teaching polarates all the time. 78 00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:11,800 Speaker 2: You know, you've got your class, you've got your people there, 79 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:14,640 Speaker 2: and so I just thought, Okay, I love talking about 80 00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:17,159 Speaker 2: the brain. I love being on stage. Maybe just have 81 00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:20,200 Speaker 2: a podcast and so I can talk about it and 82 00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:23,560 Speaker 2: have people message me. And I literally just did it 83 00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:25,400 Speaker 2: as a labor of love to start with. And then 84 00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:28,240 Speaker 2: about I would say like seven months in from starting 85 00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:30,200 Speaker 2: the podcast, I ended up just quitting my full time 86 00:04:30,279 --> 00:04:32,479 Speaker 2: job and just doing the podcast while I was still 87 00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:37,200 Speaker 2: at UNI, and now now we're here. Wow' that's honestly incredible. 88 00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:39,760 Speaker 4: First of all, I didn't know that you were a 89 00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:40,880 Speaker 4: Polarates instructor. 90 00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:44,000 Speaker 2: How bloody fun. I know, I loved it. I mean 91 00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:45,239 Speaker 2: I still do it all the time. 92 00:04:45,839 --> 00:04:48,760 Speaker 4: But were you teaching fitness around the world. 93 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:51,039 Speaker 2: Yes. I was able to take it to Paris, I 94 00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:53,400 Speaker 2: took it to la I used to live in Brisbane, 95 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:56,719 Speaker 2: that moved to Sydney, and so everywhere I've lived. In 96 00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:59,279 Speaker 2: most places i've lived, I've been able to travel and 97 00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:02,040 Speaker 2: teach Polarti because it's so versatile. You can do Matt 98 00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:04,520 Speaker 2: Poliiti's you can do train people at home, you can. 99 00:05:04,839 --> 00:05:07,240 Speaker 2: I was mainly teaching Reformer, but when I traveled, I 100 00:05:07,279 --> 00:05:08,000 Speaker 2: was teaching Matt. 101 00:05:08,279 --> 00:05:10,680 Speaker 4: I love how you spoke about having this like a 102 00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:15,080 Speaker 4: burning desire and you're like, I need to teach people 103 00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:18,920 Speaker 4: about how the brain works and help people, and look 104 00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:19,680 Speaker 4: what has happened now. 105 00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:20,039 Speaker 2: Ps. 106 00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:22,760 Speaker 4: I'm a big fan of your podcast, so thank you, 107 00:05:23,839 --> 00:05:28,000 Speaker 4: big fan. I love when people can really bridge the 108 00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:31,800 Speaker 4: gap of like science but also explain it to me 109 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:34,080 Speaker 4: in like a way I'm gonna understand because I'm not 110 00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:35,240 Speaker 4: a science person. 111 00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:38,240 Speaker 2: Totally, totally, and that's what I was trying to do 112 00:05:38,279 --> 00:05:40,080 Speaker 2: because I thought, I feel like, if you can break 113 00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:42,919 Speaker 2: down science in a way that's really digestible for everyone, 114 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:46,680 Speaker 2: more people would love it because it's I'm just obsessed 115 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:48,760 Speaker 2: with it. But I think, you know some topics that 116 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:50,440 Speaker 2: I would learn. I thought, oh my god, it took 117 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:53,560 Speaker 2: me so long to grasp that. I wish I could 118 00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:56,520 Speaker 2: just understand all these topics, even in a nutshell, like 119 00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:58,600 Speaker 2: you don't have to go in depth with so many 120 00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:01,000 Speaker 2: topics just to get a generalunderstanding. So I thought, if 121 00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:04,479 Speaker 2: I could do that and also teach people why they're 122 00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:07,600 Speaker 2: thinking a certain way or why they feel like they're 123 00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:09,880 Speaker 2: why in a certain way, and how you can change 124 00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:11,919 Speaker 2: that and teach them kind of the science behind it. 125 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:15,240 Speaker 2: I think people are more likely to try something new 126 00:06:15,279 --> 00:06:17,880 Speaker 2: if they're like, Okay, this isn't just someone telling me, 127 00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:21,599 Speaker 2: just oh, just do this without yes, why this is happening. 128 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:25,040 Speaker 2: I think people love to understand where something's coming from 129 00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:27,080 Speaker 2: in order to kind of put it into practice, because 130 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:29,080 Speaker 2: people can be really skeptical sometimes. 131 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:31,799 Speaker 4: I think when it comes yeah, changing, but that's even 132 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:34,839 Speaker 4: I talk a lot about it my podcast almost there's 133 00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:37,120 Speaker 4: science behind like manifesting. 134 00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:39,159 Speaker 2: Yeah, because manifesting. 135 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:41,960 Speaker 4: Can be like so we were so like spiritual that 136 00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:45,719 Speaker 4: if you can kind of bring in thre's actually science 137 00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:48,680 Speaker 4: facts around it and people can get around it a 138 00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:49,080 Speaker 4: bit more. 139 00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:53,080 Speaker 2: That's right. That's right. And I think people people think, Okay, well, 140 00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:56,800 Speaker 2: you've gotten that way due to all these external circumstances 141 00:06:56,839 --> 00:06:58,680 Speaker 2: like luk and this and that. But there's actually so 142 00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:01,840 Speaker 2: much to be said for changing your mindset and how 143 00:07:01,839 --> 00:07:05,680 Speaker 2: you approach something and how that can actually completely transform 144 00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:07,760 Speaker 2: your life just in the span of a few months 145 00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:10,520 Speaker 2: or a year, you know. And when people hear that, 146 00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:12,760 Speaker 2: at first they're like, okay, yeah, right, and then you 147 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:15,640 Speaker 2: start breaking down like how a thought literally will create 148 00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:19,360 Speaker 2: your day once you get it and you imply it. 149 00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:21,520 Speaker 2: Then you look back and think, oh, no, wonder all 150 00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:23,040 Speaker 2: that shit went down the way it did, or no, 151 00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:25,880 Speaker 2: wonder this never happened for me. Before you know, you're. 152 00:07:25,680 --> 00:07:29,760 Speaker 4: Like, oh, it makes sense, well talking about science. So 153 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:34,760 Speaker 4: your new book, The Neuroscience of Self Love, I was 154 00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:36,280 Speaker 4: just telling all excess of air. 155 00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:39,000 Speaker 2: I'm obsessed here at R and C. 156 00:07:39,160 --> 00:07:42,400 Speaker 4: We're all obsessed, and I like I said, like, I 157 00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:44,880 Speaker 4: love how you really breach a bridge the gap? 158 00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:47,040 Speaker 2: Sorry, can you tell us a little bit? 159 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:51,600 Speaker 4: What was the reasoning behind and bringing out a self 160 00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:52,160 Speaker 4: love book? 161 00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:55,920 Speaker 2: So with the podcast that I do, so every episode 162 00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:59,200 Speaker 2: that I put out, I always my purpose behind every 163 00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:02,040 Speaker 2: single episode, no matter what the topic is, to help 164 00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:04,680 Speaker 2: people improve their relationship with themselves. That's kind of like 165 00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:07,200 Speaker 2: the underlying theme of everything that I do. And so 166 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:09,960 Speaker 2: I thought, okay, if this is what I want to 167 00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:12,000 Speaker 2: do for people, what I want to provide for people, 168 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:15,200 Speaker 2: I thought, okay, what is the thing that ties everything together? 169 00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:17,440 Speaker 2: And what's the thing that people ask me the most 170 00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:19,720 Speaker 2: when I put out question boxes on Instagram on the 171 00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:22,640 Speaker 2: Facebook page. And the main thing is people are always 172 00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:25,560 Speaker 2: wanting to know how to increase their self love. That 173 00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:28,120 Speaker 2: is the biggest one. And I found that if you 174 00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:31,680 Speaker 2: can have higher levels of self love, everything changes your 175 00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:35,960 Speaker 2: career and how you experience that will change your every relationship. 176 00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:39,000 Speaker 2: If you love yourself, all your relationships that are good 177 00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:41,360 Speaker 2: get better and the ones that are bad or toxic 178 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:45,200 Speaker 2: just disappear. They eliminate themselves out of your life because 179 00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:48,360 Speaker 2: you've kind of leveled up to a different version of yourself. 180 00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:51,800 Speaker 2: And so I thought, okay, well, given that self love 181 00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:54,960 Speaker 2: is the biggest topic. How can I talk about it 182 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:57,960 Speaker 2: from a scientific standpoint instead of just saying just to 183 00:08:58,000 --> 00:08:59,679 Speaker 2: do this one thing or just say something, you know, 184 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:01,840 Speaker 2: I want to give the science behind why an affirmation 185 00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:04,400 Speaker 2: is helpful and how to give yourself a positive affirmation 186 00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:08,079 Speaker 2: that works, the science behind why the way you were 187 00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:11,160 Speaker 2: brought up does impact your life now, but how you 188 00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:13,680 Speaker 2: can change that and just you know, all these things 189 00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:17,520 Speaker 2: end up impacting how you interpret or how you perceive 190 00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:19,000 Speaker 2: yourself and how you love yourself. 191 00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:22,000 Speaker 4: Well, let's talk about that, because something that you just 192 00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:26,679 Speaker 4: touched on was, you know, an affirmation. So could you 193 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:31,559 Speaker 4: kind of break down and give us an example. So personally, 194 00:09:31,679 --> 00:09:36,240 Speaker 4: I'm a huge person that I love affirmations. 195 00:09:36,559 --> 00:09:38,760 Speaker 2: I really like. 196 00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:40,760 Speaker 4: Of course they've got to mean a lot to me, 197 00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:43,480 Speaker 4: but I really can like get in the zone and 198 00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:46,400 Speaker 4: I have I actually have three affirmations I focus on 199 00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:48,600 Speaker 4: and they change according to like my goals and how 200 00:09:48,679 --> 00:09:52,400 Speaker 4: I'm feeling. But for example, can you break down why 201 00:09:52,559 --> 00:09:56,559 Speaker 4: affirmations are great and how I guess they scientifically work 202 00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:57,760 Speaker 4: because I don't actually know. 203 00:09:57,840 --> 00:10:00,960 Speaker 2: I just know they work for me. Yeah, yeah, no, definitely, 204 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:04,120 Speaker 2: And look, they I think a lot of people think 205 00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:07,120 Speaker 2: that affirmations, if they've tried them, they don't work. And 206 00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:10,200 Speaker 2: the reason why maybe some people feel that way to 207 00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:13,400 Speaker 2: start with is because sometimes somebody who's grown up with 208 00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:17,640 Speaker 2: a very set way of thinking of you know, I'm 209 00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:21,280 Speaker 2: worth this, I deserve this. My relationships are bad because 210 00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:24,200 Speaker 2: of X. Like, if you have these constant thoughts, it 211 00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:27,120 Speaker 2: becomes really difficult to think of a thought that's very 212 00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:30,560 Speaker 2: far from that. And so because sometimes it feels so 213 00:10:30,679 --> 00:10:33,320 Speaker 2: far fetched, you end up quickly canceling it out in 214 00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:35,400 Speaker 2: your own mind, saying that's a lie, that's a lie, 215 00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:37,680 Speaker 2: that's a lie. So what I always say to people 216 00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:40,320 Speaker 2: is you have to learn how to get an affirmation 217 00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:42,200 Speaker 2: to really work for you. And the first thing you 218 00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:45,160 Speaker 2: can do is to neutralize the thought as much as possible. 219 00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:48,040 Speaker 2: So if you're saying to yourself, oh, I'm a failure, 220 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:50,840 Speaker 2: I'm a failure, I'm a failure, that's very very negative. 221 00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:52,880 Speaker 2: And then if I were to say to yourself start 222 00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:56,360 Speaker 2: telling yourself that you're successful, that person's going to say, well, no, 223 00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:58,200 Speaker 2: I'm not, And I feel like an idiot, and I 224 00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:00,679 Speaker 2: feel like I'm lying to myself. That's ridiculous. So then 225 00:11:00,679 --> 00:11:02,640 Speaker 2: they don't even try. So then what I would say 226 00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:06,160 Speaker 2: is neutralize that thought. Just think I failed at and 227 00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:08,319 Speaker 2: name a specific thing that you failed at. So that way, 228 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:10,840 Speaker 2: instead of beings so universal, you bring it down to 229 00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:13,840 Speaker 2: the specifics. Then expand on that and say I failed 230 00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:17,880 Speaker 2: at this. However, I'm capable of passing if I did this, 231 00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:21,439 Speaker 2: you know, so you start to make statements that start 232 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:24,480 Speaker 2: to become believable. Once a statement like that doesn't seem 233 00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:26,760 Speaker 2: so far fetched, you then get that person to say 234 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:30,040 Speaker 2: I'm capable of passing things. Get rid of the word failure, 235 00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:32,800 Speaker 2: and then from capable, and you start to expand, expand, expand, 236 00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:34,720 Speaker 2: And once that person starts to have a more positive 237 00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:37,880 Speaker 2: opinion of themselves and they can say positive statements, you 238 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:40,040 Speaker 2: start to increase it and increase it and increase it. 239 00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:42,439 Speaker 2: Everyone obviously starts at a different level when it comes 240 00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:45,120 Speaker 2: to affirmation. Some people straight off the bat can start 241 00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:48,120 Speaker 2: saying things that feel exciting to them from the beginning. 242 00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:50,760 Speaker 2: But what you have to think is is this believable 243 00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:53,079 Speaker 2: for me? It doesn't have to be believable right now 244 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:56,079 Speaker 2: in my reality, but is it believable? The moment something 245 00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:59,840 Speaker 2: becomes believable, you can just subcontract that to your subconscious mind, 246 00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:02,360 Speaker 2: and then your subconscious mind will start repeating and repeating 247 00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:04,520 Speaker 2: and repeating when you don't even have to put in 248 00:12:04,559 --> 00:12:08,080 Speaker 2: the effort of thinking that thought and something. Sorry, I 249 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:09,920 Speaker 2: just want to peeedback off that there. 250 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:14,839 Speaker 4: So you're saying, what the why the affirmations work of 251 00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:17,600 Speaker 4: seeing to believe at first? But is it because it 252 00:12:17,679 --> 00:12:20,080 Speaker 4: is then in your subconscious. 253 00:12:19,679 --> 00:12:22,720 Speaker 2: Yes, So then once something is in your subconscious, then 254 00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:25,800 Speaker 2: you start to behave in a way that reflects that 255 00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:28,760 Speaker 2: internal belief. It's called an internal working model, and it's 256 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:32,360 Speaker 2: our beliefs around ourselves, our capabilities, and how the world 257 00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:34,680 Speaker 2: is going to treat us. So everyone's gone. And I 258 00:12:34,679 --> 00:12:36,240 Speaker 2: talk a little bit about it in the book about 259 00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:39,120 Speaker 2: your internal working model. But once you can do enough 260 00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:42,120 Speaker 2: training on yourself and how you perceive people in the world, 261 00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:45,920 Speaker 2: then that internal working model starts to change. And so 262 00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:48,920 Speaker 2: then if you've got an idea of let's take study, 263 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:51,719 Speaker 2: for example, if you have ingrained in yourself that you're 264 00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:55,000 Speaker 2: capable of passing when you sit down to do something, 265 00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:59,200 Speaker 2: you have primed yourself to know that you can do it, 266 00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:01,560 Speaker 2: even if you have even started studying the subject yet 267 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,360 Speaker 2: you haven't started even learning, but you know you're capable. 268 00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:07,319 Speaker 2: So the way you start learning, you're a lot more relaxed, 269 00:13:07,679 --> 00:13:09,800 Speaker 2: you're a lot more receptive to things that you're going 270 00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:12,720 Speaker 2: to learn. You're willing to do something that is difficult 271 00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:15,680 Speaker 2: or that appears to be difficult, versus if you're saying 272 00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:17,680 Speaker 2: I'm a failure, I'm a failure, and a failure, you'll 273 00:13:17,679 --> 00:13:21,040 Speaker 2: sit down, you be so stressed, you'll psych yourself out, 274 00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:23,679 Speaker 2: and you will fail. It becomes this kind of this 275 00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:25,200 Speaker 2: self fulfilling prophecy. 276 00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:28,760 Speaker 4: Almost another concept in the book that I really want 277 00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:30,479 Speaker 4: you to expand on me because I haven't. 278 00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:31,360 Speaker 2: Really I don't know. 279 00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:34,160 Speaker 4: I've heard a couple of people talk about it. But 280 00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:35,920 Speaker 4: then the way you said it in the book, I 281 00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:38,839 Speaker 4: had this like massive light bulb moment, which I love 282 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:40,760 Speaker 4: because there's so many concepts in your book like that. 283 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:43,600 Speaker 4: So you were kind of saying in the book your 284 00:13:43,679 --> 00:13:47,000 Speaker 4: future self and how we have these rose colored glasses 285 00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:49,600 Speaker 4: for a future self, like thinking, we're going to have 286 00:13:49,679 --> 00:13:51,880 Speaker 4: so much, you know, motivation, and we're going to do 287 00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:56,360 Speaker 4: their things, and I'll be that person once I become 288 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:59,760 Speaker 4: that person, And then you're kind of like your future 289 00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:02,280 Speaker 4: self is your current self, So like. 290 00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:05,120 Speaker 2: What do you mean? And I loved it. My mind 291 00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:09,280 Speaker 2: was like, oh my, I think so yeah, so so 292 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:12,559 Speaker 2: simple and so good, so simple, let's talk about this. Yeah, 293 00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:14,760 Speaker 2: when you come to the realization. So basically, if you 294 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:18,040 Speaker 2: think about who you are today is based on all 295 00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:21,000 Speaker 2: the things you've thought and done in the past up 296 00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:23,640 Speaker 2: until this very moment, then you think, Okay, if that's 297 00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:26,240 Speaker 2: the case, then who I am next week or in 298 00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:28,240 Speaker 2: a year. It's not what I'm doing in the future, 299 00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:30,600 Speaker 2: it's what I'm doing right now is going to determine 300 00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:33,080 Speaker 2: my future self because right now I'm who you are 301 00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:34,800 Speaker 2: right now, who I am right now. We are a 302 00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:38,200 Speaker 2: representation of our past, of our past week, year, decade, 303 00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:41,920 Speaker 2: you know, everything we do, our routines, our life, what 304 00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:44,200 Speaker 2: we've achieved, that's just a representation of the past. What 305 00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:47,080 Speaker 2: we're doing right now is then going to determine our future. 306 00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:49,720 Speaker 2: And often when we will get all excited with that, 307 00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:51,920 Speaker 2: motivated and we say I'm gonna do this, I'm going 308 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:53,640 Speaker 2: to do that, I'm gonna I'm gonna stop it in 309 00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:55,960 Speaker 2: cake every single night, I'm gonna you know, study, I'll 310 00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:59,920 Speaker 2: start on Monday, and we instantly. You know, motivation's great 311 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:02,200 Speaker 2: when you're sitting on the couch doing the thing that 312 00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:04,480 Speaker 2: you say you're going to stop doing. It's so easy 313 00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:06,680 Speaker 2: to talk about how you're going to eat clean while 314 00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:08,960 Speaker 2: you're eating you know, a food that you say you're 315 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:10,920 Speaker 2: not going to eat, or it's so easy to talk 316 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:13,160 Speaker 2: about how you're going to be really determined with your 317 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:15,760 Speaker 2: study when you're kind of lying on the beach, being like, 318 00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:18,080 Speaker 2: on Monday, I'm going to study so hard. It's easy 319 00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:20,960 Speaker 2: to do that because you are You're giving all the 320 00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,400 Speaker 2: work that you're supposed to be doing to your future self. 321 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:26,200 Speaker 2: You know you're making you're taking the work from yourself 322 00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:27,880 Speaker 2: and saying, oh, someone else can do it, but that 323 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:31,120 Speaker 2: someone else is my future self. But will fall for 324 00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:34,240 Speaker 2: this lie every single time, will always fall for the 325 00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:35,920 Speaker 2: lie that our future self will want to do it, 326 00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:38,240 Speaker 2: even though we've proved to ourself time and time again 327 00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:40,080 Speaker 2: that our future self when we get to that point, 328 00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:42,360 Speaker 2: does not want to do it. So if you're not 329 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:46,240 Speaker 2: willing to do something now, be aware that your future 330 00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:48,960 Speaker 2: self also won't be willing to do it. Don't expect 331 00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:51,480 Speaker 2: to do something when you want to do it, because 332 00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:53,480 Speaker 2: if you don't want to do it now, You're not 333 00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:55,160 Speaker 2: going to want to do it later, So you're going 334 00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:58,160 Speaker 2: to need something more than just want to get something done, 335 00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:00,800 Speaker 2: you know. And that's when I always say, even if 336 00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:02,360 Speaker 2: you do, you know, like ten percent of it or 337 00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:04,120 Speaker 2: five percent of it, you always say, what am I 338 00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:06,000 Speaker 2: telling my future self if I don't do this thing 339 00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:08,960 Speaker 2: right now? You know, I have to give do a 340 00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:11,800 Speaker 2: favor for my future self instead of giving more work 341 00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:14,840 Speaker 2: to the leief tomorrow than me of next week. Something 342 00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:15,400 Speaker 2: I'd love. 343 00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:17,320 Speaker 4: For you to touch on, because that's such a great 344 00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:22,920 Speaker 4: point of Sometimes I feel like self love can almost 345 00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:27,880 Speaker 4: get this label that you know, self love is taking 346 00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:32,120 Speaker 4: a bath and it's not doing the thing and just 347 00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:35,600 Speaker 4: being kind to yourself, and of course all those things 348 00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:38,400 Speaker 4: can be self love. But I loved what you said 349 00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:42,320 Speaker 4: then of self love actually sometimes is like getting up 350 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:46,400 Speaker 4: and doing the thing when you don't want to, because that's, yeah, 351 00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:48,640 Speaker 4: that's what your future self, you know, would do. 352 00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:51,720 Speaker 2: How you kind of know that line. 353 00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:54,360 Speaker 4: And you know when to push through and like when 354 00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:57,880 Speaker 4: to step back, and yeah, how do we get there? 355 00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:01,080 Speaker 2: I think there's a big difference in understanding the like 356 00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:03,880 Speaker 2: first that you've got to understand, you know, balance in 357 00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:06,400 Speaker 2: your own life. So there's a difference between not being 358 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:08,840 Speaker 2: in the mood versus being burnt out and you know, 359 00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:11,719 Speaker 2: really needing to take the time for yourself versus thinking, 360 00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:13,679 Speaker 2: I'm not in the mood, but I really could be 361 00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:15,760 Speaker 2: doing this thing. And then there's also a difference with 362 00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:18,840 Speaker 2: a lot of people are constantly doing something for people 363 00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:21,880 Speaker 2: around them, or their work or their job, or things 364 00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:24,160 Speaker 2: that they absolutely have to do because there's a deadline 365 00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:25,520 Speaker 2: or they have to do it or they're not going 366 00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:28,040 Speaker 2: to get paid, versus doing the things that they're passionate about. 367 00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:30,520 Speaker 2: And we'll always put the things that we're passionate about 368 00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:32,879 Speaker 2: on the back burner because that's what gets that's what 369 00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:35,480 Speaker 2: we get to last, and those are the things that 370 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,119 Speaker 2: we end up regretting not doing in the future. We 371 00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:40,200 Speaker 2: look back in five ten years time, and the things 372 00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:43,600 Speaker 2: that we're most bummed about about ourselves is I wish 373 00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:46,120 Speaker 2: I had just picked up the guitar five years ago. 374 00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:47,760 Speaker 2: What that's I've always wanted to do it, and why 375 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,680 Speaker 2: didn't I do it? Just little things, whether it's just 376 00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:53,040 Speaker 2: a hobby or whether it's a big passion to change 377 00:17:53,119 --> 00:17:55,159 Speaker 2: the world, that's the thing that gets to us the 378 00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:58,320 Speaker 2: most when we didn't dedicate time to what we were 379 00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:01,159 Speaker 2: passionate about, you know. And so with self love, when 380 00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:02,959 Speaker 2: we talk about self love, a lot of the time 381 00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,359 Speaker 2: you have to start. It's just like an itch. All 382 00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:07,080 Speaker 2: you have to do is start to scratch, and then 383 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:08,800 Speaker 2: you'll just keep going and going and going. You know, 384 00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:11,520 Speaker 2: when you put a bit of time for your future 385 00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:13,880 Speaker 2: self every single day, you get to a point where 386 00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:15,640 Speaker 2: not doing it feels so weird. 387 00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:18,919 Speaker 4: And well, let's chat about I want to kind of 388 00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:22,480 Speaker 4: switch gears and chat about happiness because I found it 389 00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:25,800 Speaker 4: so interesting. Of in the book you discuss like we 390 00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:31,800 Speaker 4: have three pillars of happiness being connection, growth, purpose, which 391 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:34,359 Speaker 4: it's so funny because I don't know if you ever 392 00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:36,639 Speaker 4: do this with books, but like I'm reading it and 393 00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:39,280 Speaker 4: I'm like, of course that makes so much sense. But 394 00:18:39,359 --> 00:18:42,080 Speaker 4: before you said these are the three pillars of happiness, 395 00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:43,960 Speaker 4: I always do this thing where I like, I try 396 00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:44,800 Speaker 4: and guess. 397 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,720 Speaker 2: It wasn't correct, and then you said them, and I 398 00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:53,040 Speaker 2: was like, oh, of course, I love that. 399 00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:56,360 Speaker 4: It's just like a silly side note. Can you tell 400 00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:59,920 Speaker 4: us some ways, just maybe some quick examples of how 401 00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:03,680 Speaker 4: how we can strengthen these three pillars, and I guess 402 00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:07,919 Speaker 4: like bring them as priorities because they are so simple. 403 00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:09,800 Speaker 4: But I feel like a lot of us are not 404 00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:11,240 Speaker 4: really prioritizing these. 405 00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:14,760 Speaker 2: Yeah, totally, So you've got it, so we'll break them down. Connection. 406 00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:19,000 Speaker 2: You've got to look at connection and is real connection. 407 00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:22,760 Speaker 2: So I think a lot of people wearing a you know, 408 00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:25,200 Speaker 2: it sounds a bit counterintuitive when you're talking about yourself 409 00:19:25,240 --> 00:19:27,520 Speaker 2: to then talk about connection with other people than others, 410 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:31,560 Speaker 2: but you've got to look at it as true connection. 411 00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:35,919 Speaker 2: Often we're so quote unquote connected with emails, phones, you know, 412 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:38,520 Speaker 2: social media, all of that, but that's not a really 413 00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:42,359 Speaker 2: real authentic connection. A true connection is like how often 414 00:19:42,359 --> 00:19:44,600 Speaker 2: do you actually sit down and talk to somebody and 415 00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:47,159 Speaker 2: not even have your phone on the table and just 416 00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:49,280 Speaker 2: have it put away? And the same goes for the 417 00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:52,639 Speaker 2: other person when you're just talking, just the two of you, 418 00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:54,800 Speaker 2: really just talking about and your phone's on silent. Not 419 00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:57,280 Speaker 2: very often. That doesn't happen that often. And if you're 420 00:19:57,280 --> 00:20:00,040 Speaker 2: someone who's not social connected to nature, how often you 421 00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:02,720 Speaker 2: outside with no music, nothing playing in your ears, like 422 00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:07,040 Speaker 2: nothing and just being outside and feeling connected or the 423 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:09,240 Speaker 2: same goes with an animal. So if you don't have 424 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:11,680 Speaker 2: to have connection with people to work on your connection. 425 00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:14,320 Speaker 2: But it's this idea of how often am I actually 426 00:20:14,359 --> 00:20:18,320 Speaker 2: present in the moment with the intention to feel connected 427 00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:22,080 Speaker 2: either to the earth, an animal, my relatives, my best friends. 428 00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:24,160 Speaker 2: So that's one thing to focus on. When you start 429 00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:26,600 Speaker 2: doing that every single day, you start to feel really 430 00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:30,120 Speaker 2: grounded and calm, because one of the biggest the worst 431 00:20:30,119 --> 00:20:33,040 Speaker 2: things you can do to someone is solitary confinement. You know, 432 00:20:33,119 --> 00:20:36,680 Speaker 2: remove them from any chance connection, and that's just the 433 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:40,639 Speaker 2: worst torture. So give yourself that and be the person 434 00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:42,680 Speaker 2: at the table who while everyone's on the phone, you're 435 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:44,440 Speaker 2: not on your phone, and you don't even have to 436 00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:47,040 Speaker 2: make a comment. You can just look around. I sometimes 437 00:20:47,119 --> 00:20:48,800 Speaker 2: do that on purpose, if everyone's on the phone, I'll 438 00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:51,879 Speaker 2: purposely put my phone away and I'll be like, let's 439 00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:54,080 Speaker 2: just observe, let's be present and look around, And then 440 00:20:54,119 --> 00:20:56,080 Speaker 2: people are like, oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, And you don't 441 00:20:56,119 --> 00:20:57,800 Speaker 2: have to say a thing. You know, sometimes it's really 442 00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,800 Speaker 2: good to do that, and you realize, I don't know, 443 00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:01,760 Speaker 2: I feel like you just end up feeling more connected. 444 00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:03,480 Speaker 2: You're not even annoyed that people on your phone because 445 00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:07,080 Speaker 2: you're just that present. So that's connection. Then there's growth. 446 00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:09,840 Speaker 2: Growth is I always look at you always look at 447 00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:12,679 Speaker 2: your life like everything's moving all the time. People are 448 00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:15,520 Speaker 2: always changing your life, situations changing, people are growing up, 449 00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:19,240 Speaker 2: you're becoming more mature. So if you're not constantly focusing 450 00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:22,080 Speaker 2: on your own growth, you're going to feel like you're 451 00:21:22,119 --> 00:21:24,560 Speaker 2: falling behind and that the world is passing you by. 452 00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:26,920 Speaker 2: And that's one of the worst feelings to feel because 453 00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:29,560 Speaker 2: you feel like maybe you haven't fulfilled your potential and 454 00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:30,880 Speaker 2: you don't want to get to your end off your 455 00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:33,680 Speaker 2: life feeling that way. So when you think about growth, 456 00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:36,679 Speaker 2: you want to look at your what you do, and 457 00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:38,439 Speaker 2: it doesn't have to be in every area. It can 458 00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:41,040 Speaker 2: just be one area at a time. But feel that 459 00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:43,199 Speaker 2: by the end of the day, I want to have 460 00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:46,679 Speaker 2: experienced or learned something that I haven't already done in 461 00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:49,000 Speaker 2: my life, you know. So I always say to people, 462 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:52,440 Speaker 2: if you're lost for ideas, start a really random thing 463 00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:55,879 Speaker 2: to get good at, like a Rubik's cube or like 464 00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:59,199 Speaker 2: something so basic, or you know, start learning a language 465 00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:01,120 Speaker 2: on one of those apps or whatever. It's something where 466 00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:04,159 Speaker 2: you're like, wow, I've actually given myself something that I 467 00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:06,879 Speaker 2: never had. And the beauty about growth is it's earned. 468 00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:10,160 Speaker 2: You can't buy it, you can't borrow it. It earned 469 00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:14,320 Speaker 2: and when you earn something, it feels good to earn something, 470 00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:17,000 Speaker 2: you know, So I always say, try and earn as 471 00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:19,040 Speaker 2: much as you can, try and earn a good relationship 472 00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:22,720 Speaker 2: with somebody, earn a great connection, earn knowledge, and it 473 00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:26,600 Speaker 2: feels very fulfilling to do that. And then the last one, 474 00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:30,560 Speaker 2: which is purpose, is try and do something every day 475 00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:33,520 Speaker 2: that makes you feel that you could do that. The 476 00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:35,679 Speaker 2: more you do it, the better you feel. You know. 477 00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:38,000 Speaker 2: Sometimes we do things that are really good and we 478 00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:40,960 Speaker 2: feel a really great outside ourselves, but they're draining, and 479 00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:43,240 Speaker 2: purpose shouldn't feel draining. And I think a lot of 480 00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:45,280 Speaker 2: people get tied up on the idea of purpose because 481 00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:47,280 Speaker 2: they think they have to be changing the world or 482 00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:50,000 Speaker 2: they have to be influencing so many people in order 483 00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:52,600 Speaker 2: for it to be a purpose. And my main go to, 484 00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:54,399 Speaker 2: I think I haven't said it in the book, but 485 00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:56,560 Speaker 2: my main go to for someone who has no idea 486 00:22:56,600 --> 00:22:59,960 Speaker 2: what their purpose is is to make three strangers smile 487 00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:02,920 Speaker 2: a day. Make that your purpose for the next week. 488 00:23:03,119 --> 00:23:06,639 Speaker 2: And you feel so good when you make three strangers smile. 489 00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:08,920 Speaker 2: It could even be just by looking at them and smiling. 490 00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:10,840 Speaker 2: It could be by going up to a total random 491 00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:14,600 Speaker 2: and say, I love your perfume. Amazing, you know anything, 492 00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:17,720 Speaker 2: but it's this little thing. And then you feel so good. 493 00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:19,840 Speaker 2: You feel better in yourself than the person you just 494 00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:22,240 Speaker 2: complimented with, the person you just smiled at. It's such 495 00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:25,240 Speaker 2: an amazing feeling, and you think, wow, something so simple. 496 00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:29,600 Speaker 2: It's so easy to positively influence someone's day, or to 497 00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:32,800 Speaker 2: do something little. I'll grub up that piece of rubbish 498 00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:35,239 Speaker 2: and put it in the bin whatever. But make your 499 00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:38,080 Speaker 2: purpose so basic, and then you realize that it's quite 500 00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:40,560 Speaker 2: easy to feel that feeling. We make it up in 501 00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:42,560 Speaker 2: our head that it's got to be this crazy, big 502 00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:45,720 Speaker 2: thing for humanity, but you already are doing something big 503 00:23:45,720 --> 00:23:48,440 Speaker 2: for humanity. If you're making somebody feel better about themselves. 504 00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:51,639 Speaker 4: You know, it's almost like you could have those almost 505 00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:53,640 Speaker 4: like three columns and you kind of just like tick 506 00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:55,840 Speaker 4: off something every single day exactly. 507 00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:57,200 Speaker 2: That's beautiful. 508 00:23:57,400 --> 00:24:01,840 Speaker 4: All right, let's again switch gears and this part of 509 00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:07,359 Speaker 4: your book, the chapters called validation, self worth, and confidence. Yes, 510 00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:13,960 Speaker 4: this chapter hit hard for me because I've definitely aware 511 00:24:14,440 --> 00:24:20,040 Speaker 4: of this for you know, years now, But my early twenties, 512 00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:24,320 Speaker 4: validation really controlled me. Started off with my parents, and 513 00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:30,920 Speaker 4: you know, I really made decisions of rather than leaning into, 514 00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:34,560 Speaker 4: you know, what felt authentically me or what I really 515 00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:36,479 Speaker 4: wanted to what was going to make me happy, it 516 00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:39,199 Speaker 4: was always about validation and then you know, that was 517 00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:42,040 Speaker 4: my self worth and that would then control my confidence. 518 00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:44,000 Speaker 2: So I loved this chapter. 519 00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:46,000 Speaker 4: Something that I'd love for you to kind of like 520 00:24:46,119 --> 00:24:49,040 Speaker 4: touch on a bit more is like when validation is 521 00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:52,399 Speaker 4: positive first negative? Because I love that you did touch 522 00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:54,480 Speaker 4: on that you know it can be positive. 523 00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:58,320 Speaker 2: Yeah, I think people it's natural to want to be 524 00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:01,560 Speaker 2: validated to an extent. Like said earlier, when I when 525 00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:04,160 Speaker 2: we talk about connection, how I said, connection is vital. 526 00:25:04,359 --> 00:25:06,520 Speaker 2: You know, it's a human need and if we don't 527 00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:08,840 Speaker 2: have it, we suffer so much. So given that, it 528 00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:14,440 Speaker 2: makes sense that needing to fit into your community, family, tribe, 529 00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:17,080 Speaker 2: whatever you want to call it, is also a human need. 530 00:25:17,119 --> 00:25:20,240 Speaker 2: We have to to an extent fit in in the 531 00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:22,760 Speaker 2: sense of we don't want to be outed, okay, or 532 00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:25,800 Speaker 2: we don't want to be rejected or abandoned. So understanding 533 00:25:25,840 --> 00:25:29,000 Speaker 2: that that's a human need you feel less bad about 534 00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:32,880 Speaker 2: the fact that you might value validation from external sources 535 00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:35,639 Speaker 2: so much. But you have to kind of break it 536 00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:38,480 Speaker 2: up into different categories, like what is validation that I 537 00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:42,080 Speaker 2: shouldn't feel bad about wanting? And what's validation that I 538 00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:44,680 Speaker 2: should care less about? And I think that the validation 539 00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:47,440 Speaker 2: that's truly important is you got to ask yourself, does 540 00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:50,480 Speaker 2: this person who I'm seeking validation from have my best 541 00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:53,320 Speaker 2: interest at heart? Like do they really care for me? 542 00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:55,560 Speaker 2: And even if they do, it doesn't matter if you 543 00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:57,320 Speaker 2: don't agree with them, and if they turn around and say, 544 00:25:57,359 --> 00:25:59,359 Speaker 2: I actually don't like what you're doing, whatever, it doesn't matter. 545 00:25:59,359 --> 00:26:02,159 Speaker 2: But sometimes it's comforting to know that they understand you 546 00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:04,840 Speaker 2: and care about you. Another thing to think about is 547 00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:07,399 Speaker 2: if this person's a mentor. Do I look up to 548 00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:09,919 Speaker 2: this person because I respect the work they've done, because 549 00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:13,240 Speaker 2: I'm learning from them, because they're a protector or whatever 550 00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:15,720 Speaker 2: it is. If you see this person as a mentor 551 00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:18,680 Speaker 2: who can help you in your journey, that's a great 552 00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:21,919 Speaker 2: person to seek validation from in not in every aspect 553 00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:24,240 Speaker 2: of your life, but in maybe your work for example, 554 00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:28,119 Speaker 2: and also you know, colleagues, co workers, whatever. Sometimes it 555 00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:30,440 Speaker 2: is healthy to seek validation as far as your work 556 00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:32,600 Speaker 2: is concerned or whatever. You're working on your craft, but 557 00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:35,760 Speaker 2: every other form of validation you have to really be 558 00:26:36,119 --> 00:26:39,960 Speaker 2: ruthless and say is their opinion worth like is it 559 00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:43,320 Speaker 2: does it directly impact my life? Directly? Does what I 560 00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:48,120 Speaker 2: do directly impact their life? So often the main one 561 00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:50,399 Speaker 2: that people feel is towards their parents. Like you mentioned, 562 00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:53,160 Speaker 2: it's a huge one. Parents have this idea of how 563 00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:54,920 Speaker 2: they want their child to live their life, and they're 564 00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:57,080 Speaker 2: not doing it. Most of the time. Parents are doing 565 00:26:57,080 --> 00:27:00,560 Speaker 2: it because they love They love you, They want this, 566 00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:04,040 Speaker 2: so their idea for great life, they've imprinted that on you, 567 00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:06,639 Speaker 2: and they presume that you have the same idea of 568 00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:08,639 Speaker 2: what a great life is. So they want it for 569 00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:10,080 Speaker 2: you and they think that you should want it to 570 00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:12,920 Speaker 2: And that's very normal. And they're not doing it because 571 00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:15,240 Speaker 2: they're trying to make your life difficult. They're doing it 572 00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:17,360 Speaker 2: because they're trying to help you and they really want 573 00:27:17,359 --> 00:27:19,680 Speaker 2: the best for you. But you've got to ask yourself. 574 00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:22,720 Speaker 2: You know yourself more than anyone else knows you, and 575 00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:26,080 Speaker 2: you have to ask yourself. By me not doing that degree, 576 00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:28,560 Speaker 2: or by me not having this lifestyle or by me 577 00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:30,840 Speaker 2: not dating that person and dating this person that I 578 00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:35,760 Speaker 2: want to date. Is it directly impacting my parents' life? 579 00:27:35,760 --> 00:27:38,000 Speaker 2: And what I've bean by directly is are they involved 580 00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:40,600 Speaker 2: in that decision making process and should they be? And 581 00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:43,760 Speaker 2: most cases the answer is no. It only indirectly affects 582 00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:45,199 Speaker 2: them in the sense that they're like, oh, but I 583 00:27:45,240 --> 00:27:47,000 Speaker 2: have an idea for you and you and now I'm 584 00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:48,840 Speaker 2: sad because now I have to erase that idea and 585 00:27:48,880 --> 00:27:50,520 Speaker 2: have a new idea. And that's a lot of effort 586 00:27:50,520 --> 00:27:52,639 Speaker 2: for a lot of people. And so you always have 587 00:27:52,680 --> 00:27:55,280 Speaker 2: to think is this a direct impact or indirect? And 588 00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:58,080 Speaker 2: if the answer is indirect, then keep going as you are, 589 00:27:58,680 --> 00:28:02,240 Speaker 2: keep doing what you're doing. If it's directly impacting someone, 590 00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:04,760 Speaker 2: that's when you consult with them. That's when you think, okay, listen, 591 00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:07,359 Speaker 2: let's talk about it. Like if you're thinking I'm going 592 00:28:07,440 --> 00:28:09,920 Speaker 2: to move to another city but you're married with children, 593 00:28:10,119 --> 00:28:14,479 Speaker 2: that directly impacts your partner, you absolutely have to discuss that, 594 00:28:14,520 --> 00:28:16,440 Speaker 2: do you know what I mean? So there's not many 595 00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:19,240 Speaker 2: times that it does directly impact and that's when you 596 00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:22,040 Speaker 2: seek validation from the other person, validation from your ideas 597 00:28:22,040 --> 00:28:24,680 Speaker 2: and whatever. That's when you work together. But if it's 598 00:28:24,720 --> 00:28:27,560 Speaker 2: an indirect thing, you think, I'm sorry that you have 599 00:28:27,600 --> 00:28:30,000 Speaker 2: to You have to be ruthless and keep that separation. 600 00:28:30,480 --> 00:28:33,280 Speaker 4: So important and also just so important to have those 601 00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:37,040 Speaker 4: boundaries in place massively, massively. 602 00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:38,400 Speaker 2: And a lot of the time, you know, we give 603 00:28:38,440 --> 00:28:41,320 Speaker 2: too much away. Sometimes we ask for we ask for 604 00:28:41,360 --> 00:28:44,200 Speaker 2: approval when we know someone's not going to approve. Stop 605 00:28:44,280 --> 00:28:48,360 Speaker 2: asking for approval if you're not prepared for whatever, for 606 00:28:48,480 --> 00:28:50,400 Speaker 2: any answer. A lot of the time people ask for 607 00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:53,880 Speaker 2: approval hoping to get an answer. Don't hope when it 608 00:28:53,920 --> 00:28:56,040 Speaker 2: comes to when you ask for approval. If you're asking 609 00:28:56,080 --> 00:28:58,440 Speaker 2: for something, be prepared for anything. Otherwise, don't ask and 610 00:28:58,560 --> 00:28:59,280 Speaker 2: just do it. You know. 611 00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:04,760 Speaker 4: Also, what's your kind of take on Well, maybe I 612 00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:07,280 Speaker 4: won't ask that because that's such an open end aggression. 613 00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:11,600 Speaker 4: But if we're talking about self worth, obviously, you know 614 00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:15,160 Speaker 4: the whole book is you give so many tips on 615 00:29:15,440 --> 00:29:18,040 Speaker 4: because you know your self worth is very much attached 616 00:29:18,080 --> 00:29:19,160 Speaker 4: to your self love. 617 00:29:19,400 --> 00:29:21,320 Speaker 2: But like with self worth. 618 00:29:21,440 --> 00:29:24,719 Speaker 4: What is something that we can do to strengthen our 619 00:29:24,800 --> 00:29:25,440 Speaker 4: self worth? 620 00:29:25,560 --> 00:29:28,520 Speaker 2: Yes, so when you look at self worth, I think 621 00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:31,160 Speaker 2: one of the best things you can do is obviously 622 00:29:31,200 --> 00:29:34,120 Speaker 2: focusing on those three pillars before about growth and all 623 00:29:34,160 --> 00:29:36,480 Speaker 2: of that, but you also have to One thing that 624 00:29:36,520 --> 00:29:39,280 Speaker 2: I love to do is I love to remind myself 625 00:29:39,320 --> 00:29:41,720 Speaker 2: of a time where I wished that I was living 626 00:29:41,720 --> 00:29:44,080 Speaker 2: the life that I'm living now, Because it's really easy 627 00:29:44,120 --> 00:29:48,080 Speaker 2: to feel down on yourself because you've got pressures, external pressures, 628 00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:51,360 Speaker 2: there's expectations you yourself, have deadlines that you have to 629 00:29:51,480 --> 00:29:54,040 Speaker 2: fulfill that you've set up for yourself. But then sometimes 630 00:29:54,080 --> 00:29:55,440 Speaker 2: and you feel really down and you think I'm not 631 00:29:55,480 --> 00:29:57,040 Speaker 2: doing enough. I'm not this, I'm not that. It just 632 00:29:57,080 --> 00:29:59,360 Speaker 2: feels like you're not enough sometimes, and then I like 633 00:29:59,400 --> 00:30:03,320 Speaker 2: to remind myself the time where I really felt like, wow, 634 00:30:03,400 --> 00:30:05,600 Speaker 2: I wish I could work for myself. That's one thing 635 00:30:05,600 --> 00:30:08,440 Speaker 2: that I used to really so badly want And now 636 00:30:08,840 --> 00:30:10,520 Speaker 2: you know, I look back and when I'm feeling really 637 00:30:10,560 --> 00:30:12,800 Speaker 2: bummed and down and I've got so much on my plate, 638 00:30:12,840 --> 00:30:15,840 Speaker 2: I think, well, okay, take a step back. You can 639 00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:18,520 Speaker 2: try and like ease the load, but also think about 640 00:30:18,560 --> 00:30:20,680 Speaker 2: a time where you would have killed for this life, 641 00:30:20,680 --> 00:30:22,920 Speaker 2: like this is amazing, and you've achieved that yourself, Like 642 00:30:22,920 --> 00:30:25,880 Speaker 2: you've done that for yourself, So try and remind yourself 643 00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:29,120 Speaker 2: of these things often, because you know, ten twenty years 644 00:30:29,120 --> 00:30:30,920 Speaker 2: can pass and you might have never turned around and 645 00:30:30,920 --> 00:30:32,960 Speaker 2: thought about where you are now, and the fact that 646 00:30:33,080 --> 00:30:35,480 Speaker 2: you did that, you know, and that can help you 647 00:30:35,520 --> 00:30:37,760 Speaker 2: feel worthy because you want to be worthy in your 648 00:30:37,760 --> 00:30:40,719 Speaker 2: own eyes. It's easy to be worthy in someone else's 649 00:30:40,720 --> 00:30:42,760 Speaker 2: eyes here and there. You know, you keep changing the 650 00:30:42,800 --> 00:30:44,600 Speaker 2: person that you're worthy, and you know that's fine, but 651 00:30:44,880 --> 00:30:47,720 Speaker 2: it's not that easy to feel worthy in your eyes consistently. 652 00:30:48,200 --> 00:30:49,960 Speaker 2: So it's something that you always have to be reminding 653 00:30:49,960 --> 00:30:52,280 Speaker 2: yourself of the things that you've done for you and 654 00:30:52,320 --> 00:30:54,720 Speaker 2: it helps you feel worthy. That that is so powerful. 655 00:30:55,120 --> 00:30:56,640 Speaker 2: And I was like just thinking, I was like, I 656 00:30:56,720 --> 00:31:00,880 Speaker 2: need to do this more. You do? You do? And you, 657 00:31:01,080 --> 00:31:03,520 Speaker 2: I mean like you've done so much with your life, 658 00:31:03,560 --> 00:31:05,600 Speaker 2: and it's it's easy to just keep going and going 659 00:31:05,600 --> 00:31:07,600 Speaker 2: and going and going, because you, you know, keeps adding 660 00:31:07,640 --> 00:31:09,160 Speaker 2: up and adding up and there's more and more work 661 00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:11,680 Speaker 2: to do. But then it's also so important to just 662 00:31:11,720 --> 00:31:13,280 Speaker 2: pause and be like, where was that a year ago? 663 00:31:13,320 --> 00:31:15,280 Speaker 2: And what did I want? And I'm probably pasted that 664 00:31:15,320 --> 00:31:17,440 Speaker 2: I've probably done more than that and I haven't even stopped. 665 00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:18,240 Speaker 2: As in other Roses. 666 00:31:18,320 --> 00:31:21,480 Speaker 4: That's so true. I actually did something like that recently 667 00:31:21,520 --> 00:31:24,160 Speaker 4: where I didn't hit a certain like, you know, work 668 00:31:24,200 --> 00:31:26,640 Speaker 4: goal that I had set for myself, and I was 669 00:31:26,720 --> 00:31:29,040 Speaker 4: just feeling a bit down and a bit deflated, and 670 00:31:29,680 --> 00:31:33,600 Speaker 4: I had to remind myself of being like, yeah, do 671 00:31:33,640 --> 00:31:35,480 Speaker 4: you literally remember when you used to work in. 672 00:31:35,520 --> 00:31:36,160 Speaker 2: Nine to five? 673 00:31:38,640 --> 00:31:41,840 Speaker 4: All you wanted was like something for yourself and to 674 00:31:42,760 --> 00:31:46,560 Speaker 4: you know, even the fact that my all my businesses 675 00:31:46,560 --> 00:31:49,680 Speaker 4: are based on empowering women. And if like I could 676 00:31:49,720 --> 00:31:51,880 Speaker 4: go back and you know, tell my old self that, 677 00:31:52,040 --> 00:31:54,120 Speaker 4: she would be like, are you kidding me? 678 00:31:54,600 --> 00:31:58,320 Speaker 2: So imagine exactly. Yeah, I had to have that remind us. 679 00:31:58,400 --> 00:31:59,680 Speaker 2: So that's so good. 680 00:32:00,800 --> 00:32:03,600 Speaker 4: The last thing that I want to tattoo about alexis 681 00:32:03,680 --> 00:32:07,000 Speaker 4: and I loved reading this in the book because this 682 00:32:07,120 --> 00:32:10,959 Speaker 4: podcast something I'm just so huge about. You know, one 683 00:32:11,000 --> 00:32:14,840 Speaker 4: of our tag lines is like to be your authentic self. 684 00:32:14,840 --> 00:32:17,479 Speaker 4: When you're your authentic self and you're in alignment, like 685 00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:20,959 Speaker 4: you're you're unstoppable, that is where your power lies. And 686 00:32:21,680 --> 00:32:24,720 Speaker 4: that comes from a very personal place of Again, in 687 00:32:24,840 --> 00:32:27,320 Speaker 4: my early twenties, I very much was trying to be 688 00:32:27,480 --> 00:32:31,880 Speaker 4: everyone but myself. Could you kind of unpack that I remember. 689 00:32:31,920 --> 00:32:34,480 Speaker 4: The sentence says, you know, being your authentic self is 690 00:32:34,520 --> 00:32:38,440 Speaker 4: one of the greatest forms of self love, and I 691 00:32:38,520 --> 00:32:39,280 Speaker 4: loved reading that. 692 00:32:39,320 --> 00:32:42,040 Speaker 2: Can you umpact that and talk to us about that? Yeah, 693 00:32:42,080 --> 00:32:44,360 Speaker 2: for sure. So look at it from reverse. When you're 694 00:32:44,440 --> 00:32:47,720 Speaker 2: not being your authentic self, you know, when you interact 695 00:32:47,760 --> 00:32:51,000 Speaker 2: with people, when you're you know, working, when you're trying 696 00:32:51,040 --> 00:32:53,440 Speaker 2: to get your crush to notice you. When you're not 697 00:32:53,520 --> 00:32:56,600 Speaker 2: being who you are, you're basically telling yourself who I 698 00:32:56,680 --> 00:32:58,760 Speaker 2: actually am and what I have to offer is not enough, 699 00:32:59,040 --> 00:33:01,360 Speaker 2: So I now have to and to be this in 700 00:33:01,480 --> 00:33:05,000 Speaker 2: order to be enough. So instantly you are self consciously 701 00:33:05,040 --> 00:33:07,200 Speaker 2: telling yourself, oh, not good enough, not good enough. We 702 00:33:07,200 --> 00:33:08,880 Speaker 2: need to pretend. We need to grab this, We need 703 00:33:08,920 --> 00:33:10,880 Speaker 2: to you know, grab all this stuff to fluff up 704 00:33:10,880 --> 00:33:13,000 Speaker 2: who we are, and then I might just be good 705 00:33:13,080 --> 00:33:14,760 Speaker 2: enough for that crush to talk to me, for that 706 00:33:14,800 --> 00:33:17,440 Speaker 2: person to whatever. And the reason that we don't act 707 00:33:17,480 --> 00:33:19,440 Speaker 2: as our authentic or not act, the reason we don't 708 00:33:19,480 --> 00:33:21,920 Speaker 2: just be our authentic self in a lot of moments, 709 00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:25,520 Speaker 2: is because we see it as vulnerability. We think, if 710 00:33:25,560 --> 00:33:28,959 Speaker 2: I get rejected when I'm really my authentic self, then 711 00:33:29,040 --> 00:33:32,000 Speaker 2: I can't fathom the pain, like that's just too much 712 00:33:32,040 --> 00:33:35,040 Speaker 2: to handle. So when not vulnerable, we don't put ourselves 713 00:33:35,080 --> 00:33:37,240 Speaker 2: out there completely vulnerably. We have the wall up. We 714 00:33:37,320 --> 00:33:40,040 Speaker 2: have these you know, we add to who you are, 715 00:33:40,080 --> 00:33:42,760 Speaker 2: and you're not completely the true you. You pretend or 716 00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:44,880 Speaker 2: you behave in a certain way that's going to please someone, 717 00:33:45,240 --> 00:33:48,000 Speaker 2: and then you still get or it might get rejected 718 00:33:48,120 --> 00:33:50,600 Speaker 2: and then you think, oh god, you know, I was 719 00:33:50,600 --> 00:33:52,600 Speaker 2: trying so hard and even then they didn't like me. 720 00:33:53,080 --> 00:33:55,560 Speaker 2: What you need to understand is that being vulnerable and 721 00:33:55,600 --> 00:33:58,680 Speaker 2: being who you are and then still getting rejected is 722 00:33:59,040 --> 00:34:02,480 Speaker 2: not more painful than being rejected when you're not vulnerable. 723 00:34:02,480 --> 00:34:04,840 Speaker 2: I think we think that vulnerability is the worst pain 724 00:34:04,880 --> 00:34:07,800 Speaker 2: in the world, but it's not. It's the best time 725 00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:10,759 Speaker 2: saver you could ever engage in in your life being 726 00:34:10,840 --> 00:34:14,520 Speaker 2: vulnerable because you eliminate so many people that are not 727 00:34:14,640 --> 00:34:17,200 Speaker 2: really they're interested in who you are. You eliminate so 728 00:34:17,239 --> 00:34:19,879 Speaker 2: many connections that are just not right for you. By 729 00:34:19,920 --> 00:34:23,600 Speaker 2: being your authentic self, you do yourself a huge favor. Yeah, 730 00:34:23,640 --> 00:34:26,120 Speaker 2: I think that if you were to turn around and say, 731 00:34:26,200 --> 00:34:28,040 Speaker 2: you know what, I'm going to approach the situation just 732 00:34:28,080 --> 00:34:30,680 Speaker 2: being me, still being polite and respectful, but being me. 733 00:34:31,560 --> 00:34:33,560 Speaker 2: And if I don't like something, I don't have to 734 00:34:33,560 --> 00:34:35,600 Speaker 2: pretend I like it. If I don't agree with someone, 735 00:34:35,640 --> 00:34:37,920 Speaker 2: I don't have to pretend I agree with them. I 736 00:34:37,960 --> 00:34:41,600 Speaker 2: can still be super respectful and you know, all of 737 00:34:41,640 --> 00:34:44,279 Speaker 2: the above, but just be me. When you do that, 738 00:34:44,840 --> 00:34:47,560 Speaker 2: you start to feel a lot calmer, You start to 739 00:34:47,680 --> 00:34:50,319 Speaker 2: stop needing people to like you, and you become a 740 00:34:50,360 --> 00:34:53,319 Speaker 2: lot more okay with the fact that the people that 741 00:34:53,400 --> 00:34:55,680 Speaker 2: like you probably really like you because it's the real 742 00:34:55,760 --> 00:34:58,200 Speaker 2: you and the people that don't. It's not even a 743 00:34:58,200 --> 00:35:00,759 Speaker 2: personal stab. It's just like I don't like everyone, and 744 00:35:00,800 --> 00:35:02,759 Speaker 2: I don't hate the people that I don't like. I'm 745 00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:04,640 Speaker 2: just not that interested in hanging around them, do you 746 00:35:04,680 --> 00:35:07,680 Speaker 2: know what I mean? It's just understanding that when you 747 00:35:07,760 --> 00:35:11,080 Speaker 2: are your true self, your authentic self, you have so 748 00:35:11,239 --> 00:35:14,880 Speaker 2: much less pressure on yourself, You put less pressure on situations, 749 00:35:15,200 --> 00:35:18,719 Speaker 2: and when someone likes you, it's so carefree because they're 750 00:35:18,760 --> 00:35:19,720 Speaker 2: liking you for you. 751 00:35:19,320 --> 00:35:23,959 Speaker 4: You know, that is just such incredible advice. Alexis, thank 752 00:35:24,000 --> 00:35:27,720 Speaker 4: you so much for joining us on the party today 753 00:35:27,840 --> 00:35:30,120 Speaker 4: and sharing so much wisdom with us. 754 00:35:30,760 --> 00:35:31,200 Speaker 2: Guys. 755 00:35:31,320 --> 00:35:35,799 Speaker 4: Obviously, if you want to dig it deeper into the 756 00:35:36,040 --> 00:35:39,959 Speaker 4: neuroscience of self love. You have to pick up Alexis book. 757 00:35:40,000 --> 00:35:42,280 Speaker 4: Can we find it in all good book places? 758 00:35:42,320 --> 00:35:46,440 Speaker 2: Yea, there should be in all major bookstores like Dimmix, Kmart, 759 00:35:46,600 --> 00:35:49,400 Speaker 2: bigw all of those, and then online. I think the 760 00:35:49,440 --> 00:35:51,520 Speaker 2: main one online would be booked Topia. That would probably 761 00:35:51,520 --> 00:35:53,359 Speaker 2: be the easiest one. Yeah. 762 00:35:53,640 --> 00:35:58,240 Speaker 4: Love, And just to end the episode, Alexis, if someone 763 00:35:58,320 --> 00:36:03,400 Speaker 4: can do one thing today for themselves to you know, 764 00:36:03,560 --> 00:36:06,080 Speaker 4: increase their self love and work on it, what could 765 00:36:06,080 --> 00:36:06,399 Speaker 4: they do? 766 00:36:06,520 --> 00:36:08,360 Speaker 2: God, that's a good question. You only pick one and 767 00:36:08,400 --> 00:36:10,760 Speaker 2: then they've got to find the rest of the book. Okay, 768 00:36:10,840 --> 00:36:13,640 Speaker 2: to pick one thing to increase their self love, I 769 00:36:13,719 --> 00:36:16,239 Speaker 2: would say, because this is my favorite thing to do. 770 00:36:17,120 --> 00:36:20,560 Speaker 2: Dedicate alone time, not just today, but every single day, 771 00:36:20,640 --> 00:36:23,759 Speaker 2: a pocket of alone time. That to me is like 772 00:36:23,800 --> 00:36:26,239 Speaker 2: the biggest form of self love, being alone, even if 773 00:36:26,280 --> 00:36:28,960 Speaker 2: just for thirty minutes, ten minutes, it is the best 774 00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:30,000 Speaker 2: thing you can do for yourself. 775 00:36:30,120 --> 00:36:32,800 Speaker 4: I love that so much. I love alone time. I 776 00:36:33,600 --> 00:36:37,120 Speaker 4: am like my own best friend because I just need 777 00:36:37,160 --> 00:36:40,560 Speaker 4: it to I'm very introverted, but I love that so much. 778 00:36:40,600 --> 00:36:42,160 Speaker 2: I feel like I'm right on the cusp of the 779 00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:45,759 Speaker 2: two and when I've realized that, I felt like such 780 00:36:45,760 --> 00:36:47,440 Speaker 2: a relief. I'm like, Okay, I don't have to just 781 00:36:47,840 --> 00:36:50,520 Speaker 2: identify with one because I'm so social. But then I 782 00:36:50,560 --> 00:36:52,200 Speaker 2: get to the point where I'm like, if I'm not 783 00:36:52,400 --> 00:36:56,040 Speaker 2: I'm gonna explode. 784 00:36:57,040 --> 00:36:59,719 Speaker 4: I'm the exact same, and I think people find it's 785 00:36:59,719 --> 00:37:02,560 Speaker 4: so interesting when I tell them I'm quite introverted, So like, 786 00:37:03,120 --> 00:37:04,719 Speaker 4: what do you mean all you do is like talk 787 00:37:04,760 --> 00:37:07,440 Speaker 4: to people and show up to like hundreds of thousands 788 00:37:07,480 --> 00:37:10,239 Speaker 4: of people online, and I'm like, I know, but one 789 00:37:10,320 --> 00:37:12,960 Speaker 4: hundred percent I would be similar to you on the cast, 790 00:37:13,000 --> 00:37:16,120 Speaker 4: where I love to be social and I love connection, 791 00:37:16,719 --> 00:37:19,600 Speaker 4: but I really need my alone time to recharge. 792 00:37:19,680 --> 00:37:24,840 Speaker 2: And yeah, best for sure, Grimmar. Well, thank you so much, Alexis. 793 00:37:24,880 --> 00:37:27,439 Speaker 4: Could you let the audience know obviously we know where 794 00:37:27,440 --> 00:37:29,279 Speaker 4: to get your book, but where to find you and 795 00:37:29,320 --> 00:37:30,120 Speaker 4: your podcasts? 796 00:37:30,200 --> 00:37:32,760 Speaker 2: Yep, So the podcast is called do You Fucking Mind? 797 00:37:33,040 --> 00:37:35,520 Speaker 2: And that's just wherever you listen to your podcast, and 798 00:37:35,880 --> 00:37:40,360 Speaker 2: it's spelt like do you f asterisk asterix asterix, I 799 00:37:40,680 --> 00:37:44,680 Speaker 2: g mind, And then on Instagram it's I've got the 800 00:37:45,920 --> 00:37:48,239 Speaker 2: probably my personal one. I post more than the podcast one, 801 00:37:48,239 --> 00:37:52,319 Speaker 2: but the podcast one is DYFM podcast long, I'm trying 802 00:37:52,320 --> 00:37:55,279 Speaker 2: even know that, And then my own one is is 803 00:37:55,400 --> 00:37:58,680 Speaker 2: Alexis pread as like pire d is it amazing? 804 00:37:58,719 --> 00:38:00,640 Speaker 4: And I'll make sure I link those in the show notes, 805 00:38:00,680 --> 00:38:01,880 Speaker 4: so don't worry to. 806 00:38:01,600 --> 00:38:06,759 Speaker 2: Start it out amazing. Thank you, Thank you so much, Alexis, 807 00:38:07,080 --> 00:38:08,120 Speaker 2: Thank you for having me. 808 00:38:12,239 --> 00:38:15,759 Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening to another episode of 809 00:38:15,800 --> 00:38:18,960 Speaker 1: the Rise and Concer podcast. If you enjoyed it and 810 00:38:19,040 --> 00:38:23,360 Speaker 1: want more, come connect with us on Instagram at Riseinconquer 811 00:38:23,600 --> 00:38:27,520 Speaker 1: dot podcast and join our Facebook discussion group, a Rise 812 00:38:27,560 --> 00:38:31,640 Speaker 1: and Concer podcast community. We're an independent podcast and we 813 00:38:31,719 --> 00:38:34,439 Speaker 1: have a small team, so we do appreciate your time 814 00:38:34,520 --> 00:38:37,280 Speaker 1: and support. If you have a spare moment, a follow 815 00:38:37,440 --> 00:38:41,359 Speaker 1: or subscribe on whatever platform you listen to would be 816 00:38:41,800 --> 00:38:45,480 Speaker 1: so amazing, And look, if you're feeling extra kind, a 817 00:38:45,600 --> 00:38:48,320 Speaker 1: review on Apple Podcasts would be great.