1 00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:09,239 Speaker 1: Tricky questions are some of my favorites. Hello, welcome to 2 00:00:09,280 --> 00:00:11,720 Speaker 1: the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast where we give 3 00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:15,840 Speaker 1: your real parenting solutions. Every day on Australia's most downloaded 4 00:00:15,840 --> 00:00:18,400 Speaker 1: parenting podcasts. We adjustin and Kylie course and every Tuesday 5 00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:20,360 Speaker 1: on the pod we answer your tricky questions. You can 6 00:00:20,480 --> 00:00:23,720 Speaker 1: jump onto our website and scroll down to the podcast bit, 7 00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:26,520 Speaker 1: click the record button and tell us what it is 8 00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:29,520 Speaker 1: that you're struggling with. We love your tricky questions about 9 00:00:29,560 --> 00:00:35,199 Speaker 1: family stuff, relationship, parenting, children's screens, well being. Whatever it 10 00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:36,839 Speaker 1: is that you want to ask us, we'll answer it. 11 00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:39,800 Speaker 1: We do that every Tuesday. If you'd like to submit 12 00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:42,480 Speaker 1: a tricky question another way, we will accept them via 13 00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:46,320 Speaker 1: podcasts at Happy families dot com dot au. That's what 14 00:00:46,360 --> 00:00:49,239 Speaker 1: we've got today, Kylie, missus Happy Families. This one comes 15 00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:52,279 Speaker 1: from Kim. Do you have any tips on raising young 16 00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:57,040 Speaker 1: adult males maintaining connections and communication, especially when you don't 17 00:00:57,240 --> 00:01:01,120 Speaker 1: always agree on choices and actions. 18 00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:03,440 Speaker 2: She must have got winged of a book that might 19 00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:04,000 Speaker 2: be coming out. 20 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:06,280 Speaker 1: I see this was not a setup. I just want 21 00:01:06,319 --> 00:01:08,280 Speaker 1: to be really clear. I'm not trying the book still 22 00:01:08,319 --> 00:01:10,440 Speaker 1: A while away like, we're not trying to. You can 23 00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:12,080 Speaker 1: pre order now at happy families dot com. 24 00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:12,440 Speaker 2: Do you. 25 00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:14,520 Speaker 1: I'm just letting you know. But so you can't even 26 00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:16,720 Speaker 1: pre order, you can register your interests. But no, this 27 00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:19,120 Speaker 1: was not a plant. This was a legit email that 28 00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:19,600 Speaker 1: came through. 29 00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:22,679 Speaker 2: So I guess I'm just going to let you take 30 00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:25,720 Speaker 2: the lead on this. I'm interested to hear what your 31 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:29,600 Speaker 2: insights are. Considering we are parents of six girls. 32 00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:31,560 Speaker 1: Okay, let's dive into it. I have a couple of 33 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:33,280 Speaker 1: ideas that I think are going to be really useful. 34 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:35,840 Speaker 1: Don't have any idea how old this young adult male is, 35 00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:38,840 Speaker 1: but the word adult makes me think eighteen plus. I'm 36 00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:41,919 Speaker 1: going to pull the age down to sixteen plus because 37 00:01:41,959 --> 00:01:43,920 Speaker 1: many people who are listening to this pod have got 38 00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:49,000 Speaker 1: teenage boys and they are They're frothing for independence. They're 39 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:51,160 Speaker 1: starting to say, I want to be my own man, 40 00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:54,400 Speaker 1: I want to step into my I want to make 41 00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:56,520 Speaker 1: my own decisions. So the first thing that I want 42 00:01:56,560 --> 00:02:00,400 Speaker 1: to really really have a home is that this is 43 00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:04,560 Speaker 1: what's supposed to happen. Our children, in order to differentiate 44 00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:09,600 Speaker 1: from us, will work really hard to make decisions on 45 00:02:09,680 --> 00:02:12,799 Speaker 1: their own and the easiest way to say I'm an individual, 46 00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:16,920 Speaker 1: I'm not like you, I'm making my own choices is 47 00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:21,680 Speaker 1: literally to do things that their parents might always agree about, 48 00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:24,440 Speaker 1: so that the comment from Kim, especially when you don't 49 00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:28,280 Speaker 1: always agree on choices and actions, this is in many cases, 50 00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:30,600 Speaker 1: this is a sort of a way that a teenage 51 00:02:30,639 --> 00:02:34,120 Speaker 1: boy will plant his flag and say, my life making 52 00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:34,840 Speaker 1: my choices. 53 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:38,720 Speaker 2: As I'm listening to all I can think about is 54 00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:42,280 Speaker 2: in this situation when we think about our children, is 55 00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:44,160 Speaker 2: it better to be right or is it better to 56 00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:48,440 Speaker 2: maintain a relationship with your child? Too often we come 57 00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:52,239 Speaker 2: in where gung ho, we're frustrated, we're angry, we read 58 00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:54,079 Speaker 2: them the Riot Act, we tell them all the reasons 59 00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:58,280 Speaker 2: why what they're doing is wrong, and it severs our 60 00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:03,200 Speaker 2: relationship with them. But if we recognize that in this instance, 61 00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:06,160 Speaker 2: we're talking about a young adult, we're talking about someone 62 00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:08,440 Speaker 2: who's actually at a point where they can start making 63 00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:11,040 Speaker 2: decisions for themselves, and they're going to make keeps that 64 00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:15,880 Speaker 2: go against what you would hope for them. But the 65 00:03:15,919 --> 00:03:18,200 Speaker 2: reality is it's not a defining moment. 66 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:21,120 Speaker 1: You can come back from pretty much anything. I mean, 67 00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:25,079 Speaker 1: not totally completely everything, but pretty much anything, you can 68 00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:28,000 Speaker 1: come back from it. When I think about what I 69 00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:29,440 Speaker 1: was like as a young man, when I think about 70 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:31,640 Speaker 1: the young men that I've spoken to for my book 71 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:35,280 Speaker 1: that is coming out soon about raising boys and young men, 72 00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:39,200 Speaker 1: the central thing that I see here is that as parents, 73 00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:43,640 Speaker 1: we want to control. And if our relationship is a bucket, 74 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:46,040 Speaker 1: I've used this metaphor so many times. If our relationships 75 00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:48,680 Speaker 1: a bucket, and the water in the bucket is connection, 76 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,760 Speaker 1: the air is the control, right, it's the correction and direction. 77 00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:56,440 Speaker 1: And anyone who walks around with an empty bucket that 78 00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:58,080 Speaker 1: is a bucket full of air, a bucket full of 79 00:03:58,080 --> 00:04:00,320 Speaker 1: correction and direction. Pretty soon they just put the bucket down. 80 00:04:01,280 --> 00:04:04,160 Speaker 1: They walk away from the relationship. Right, no point carrying 81 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:06,040 Speaker 1: an empty bucket. You only want a bucket if it's 82 00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:08,040 Speaker 1: full of water. You want the good stuff, so you 83 00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:09,640 Speaker 1: can use that water for the things that you need 84 00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:13,520 Speaker 1: in life. So when I hear Kim's question, what I 85 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:17,280 Speaker 1: really want to focus on is connection, connection, connection, And 86 00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:20,880 Speaker 1: that's really the I guess the central part of what 87 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,800 Speaker 1: her question is, how do I maintain connection and communication? 88 00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:28,320 Speaker 1: You maintain connection and communication by stepping away from control, 89 00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:33,120 Speaker 1: by stepping away from agendas exactly the correction and direction. 90 00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:35,080 Speaker 1: What are you living your life like that? For if 91 00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:38,480 Speaker 1: every time, let's say he's moved out, or maybe he's 92 00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:41,320 Speaker 1: living downstairs in the spare room and he's got his 93 00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:43,040 Speaker 1: own n swite and the rumpus room areas kind of 94 00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:46,040 Speaker 1: become his or whatever it is, every time he comes 95 00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:47,800 Speaker 1: home and sits at the dinner table and sees you, 96 00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:50,240 Speaker 1: if the conversation is what are you doing with your 97 00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:53,359 Speaker 1: life and why are you doing that? And you know 98 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:54,880 Speaker 1: you've got that bill and if you don't pay it, 99 00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:56,880 Speaker 1: this is going to happen. If all we're doing is 100 00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:59,960 Speaker 1: having those conversations with our kids, pretty soon they stopped 101 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:03,919 Speaker 1: talking to us. The second point that I want to 102 00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:10,240 Speaker 1: make really sort of leverages or sits on top of that. Recently, 103 00:05:10,279 --> 00:05:11,600 Speaker 1: I had a chat with my mom. I haven't even 104 00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:14,400 Speaker 1: shared this with you, So my mom has recently had 105 00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:18,120 Speaker 1: a birthday. I was chatting with her about her newfound 106 00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:21,160 Speaker 1: additional year of life and how it feels to be 107 00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:26,800 Speaker 1: getting older, and I commented that I really enjoy talking 108 00:05:26,839 --> 00:05:29,640 Speaker 1: with her, and sometimes she drives me crazy like all parents, 109 00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:32,480 Speaker 1: and sometimes I probably drive her crazy like all children. 110 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:35,359 Speaker 1: But I just said Mom. I love catching up with you. 111 00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:37,279 Speaker 1: I love calling you. I love that I can pick 112 00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:38,760 Speaker 1: up the phone and ring you. I'm so glad that 113 00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:40,760 Speaker 1: you're still here and we get to have these conversations 114 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:45,160 Speaker 1: like it's really it's really delightful that you're in my 115 00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:46,880 Speaker 1: life and that you're in my life the way that 116 00:05:46,920 --> 00:05:47,240 Speaker 1: you are. 117 00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:49,600 Speaker 2: But you haven't always felt like that. 118 00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:53,120 Speaker 1: No, I haven't. It's been a decades long process to 119 00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:53,960 Speaker 1: get to that point. 120 00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:57,880 Speaker 2: But the one thing that your mom has always done 121 00:05:58,279 --> 00:06:01,640 Speaker 2: is she's accepted those bits of however small they've been, 122 00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:07,040 Speaker 2: and she has continued to strive for connection even when 123 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:07,960 Speaker 2: it's been tricky. 124 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:10,680 Speaker 1: That's almost almost exactly what I was going to say. 125 00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:13,360 Speaker 1: As I was talking to her, I made this comment. 126 00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:16,080 Speaker 1: I said, it's just occurred to me. I really like 127 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:17,920 Speaker 1: spending time with you. In fact, I love spending time 128 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:21,599 Speaker 1: with you and Dad because you love spending time with us. 129 00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:24,960 Speaker 1: You make the effort, You make it so that there 130 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:27,599 Speaker 1: is no judgment. I'm living my life the way I 131 00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:29,520 Speaker 1: want to live it. I really like my life, and 132 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:31,400 Speaker 1: I know that you're pretty generally happy with how I'm 133 00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:33,160 Speaker 1: living my life. But I still do things that annoy you. 134 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:35,359 Speaker 1: But you don't let that get in the way of 135 00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:37,839 Speaker 1: our relationship. Your love for me and your desire for 136 00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:41,560 Speaker 1: this relationship to flourish is far greater than any of 137 00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:44,480 Speaker 1: those ruffling of feathers that can happen from time to 138 00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:46,840 Speaker 1: time when I do something that you don't like, or 139 00:06:46,839 --> 00:06:49,440 Speaker 1: say something that you don't like, or I decided to 140 00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:51,480 Speaker 1: spend money on something that you don't think I should 141 00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:53,160 Speaker 1: be spending money on. I mean, that still happens. I'm 142 00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:55,680 Speaker 1: turning fifty this year and she still gets franky about 143 00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:58,320 Speaker 1: that stuff. And I think what I really want to 144 00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:01,200 Speaker 1: emphasize for Kim and any pair who's raising kids in 145 00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:04,800 Speaker 1: their teens and in their young adult years, is that 146 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:08,039 Speaker 1: if you can demonstrate to your kids that you love 147 00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:11,360 Speaker 1: spending time with them, then they will love spending time 148 00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:15,760 Speaker 1: with you. That's not a very sciencey answer, but if 149 00:07:15,760 --> 00:07:18,800 Speaker 1: you want to keep that connection and that communication open, 150 00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:20,960 Speaker 1: I mean, that's what connection. 151 00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:21,000 Speaker 2: Is, right. 152 00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:24,640 Speaker 1: Connection is feeling seen and heard and valued. And the 153 00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:28,800 Speaker 1: one thing that my parents have consistently done exceptionally well 154 00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:31,200 Speaker 1: for all of their many faults, and they have them, 155 00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:34,680 Speaker 1: is that when we're with them, we feel like we matter. 156 00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:39,040 Speaker 1: They make the effort to demonstrate to prove consistently you 157 00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:41,600 Speaker 1: guys matter, and we're willing to travel into state, or 158 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:43,920 Speaker 1: we're willing to do this or this or this will 159 00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:46,440 Speaker 1: cancel our plans, will do these things to make sure 160 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:48,720 Speaker 1: you know that you matter in our lives. You're a 161 00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:52,320 Speaker 1: priority to us. There's always water going into that relationship bucket. 162 00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:56,120 Speaker 1: All right after the break. Two more complicated ideas for 163 00:07:56,160 --> 00:08:06,280 Speaker 1: when things get tricky. Okay, so you're raising a young 164 00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:08,960 Speaker 1: adult boy. I mean, the same principles apply for a 165 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:12,640 Speaker 1: young adult girl as well. Rituals and rights of passage. 166 00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:15,240 Speaker 1: They just don't exist today like they did decades and 167 00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:19,760 Speaker 1: centuries ago. And this is a real challenge because every boy, 168 00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:24,160 Speaker 1: every boy has to prove that he's a man. Masculinity 169 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:28,120 Speaker 1: is something that is both learned and earned, and this 170 00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:30,240 Speaker 1: is something that I really focus on in my upcoming book. 171 00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:34,160 Speaker 1: You can watch others and learn about masculinity, but you 172 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:36,600 Speaker 1: actually then have to go out and earn it. That's 173 00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:39,839 Speaker 1: something that's quite different to womanhood. So girls grow up 174 00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:43,960 Speaker 1: and they are accepted as women once they are mature, 175 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:46,440 Speaker 1: once they reach a certain age, once they start to 176 00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:51,480 Speaker 1: live their lives as young adult females. But for men, 177 00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:54,120 Speaker 1: there's this thing where your masculinity has to be earned, 178 00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:56,360 Speaker 1: it has to be proven. It's precarious, it can be 179 00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:59,240 Speaker 1: taken away. So quite often what you do is you 180 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:03,440 Speaker 1: find yourself heads with a young man because he's constantly 181 00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:07,000 Speaker 1: in prove it mode and he's not going out and 182 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:09,160 Speaker 1: slaying a lion or sticking his hand into a mitten 183 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:12,120 Speaker 1: full of fire ants or being circumcised. He's not going 184 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:15,280 Speaker 1: through those things as a young adult to prove his masculinity. 185 00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:18,520 Speaker 1: What he's doing instead is he's driving his car too fast, 186 00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:24,080 Speaker 1: or he's going on too many dates and maybe causing 187 00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:28,760 Speaker 1: some emotional distress for the people in his orbit, or 188 00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:31,120 Speaker 1: he's doing whatever else. It is drinking too much, doing 189 00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:33,040 Speaker 1: all these things that as a parent, you're looking at 190 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:35,480 Speaker 1: him going, hey, buddy, this is not smart. You're not 191 00:09:35,559 --> 00:09:38,080 Speaker 1: making safe, healthy decisions. What's going on? 192 00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:40,280 Speaker 2: This is really curious to me. And we're going to 193 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:44,040 Speaker 2: go on a little tangent here, But just listening to 194 00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:49,120 Speaker 2: you talking about this need to prove your masculinity and 195 00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:54,840 Speaker 2: the fact that as a woman, I'm accepted as a 196 00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:58,640 Speaker 2: woman in society just because I purely grow up right, 197 00:09:59,559 --> 00:10:02,800 Speaker 2: But I don't ever have to prove my femininity. 198 00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:05,000 Speaker 1: Never like, no, how is this? 199 00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:08,320 Speaker 2: It just doesn't make sense to me? And how has 200 00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:12,040 Speaker 2: this become about masculinity as opposed to just maturing. 201 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:14,560 Speaker 1: Well, I think it's a combination of two. But to 202 00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:17,000 Speaker 1: mature into a healthy form of masculinity, you need to 203 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,360 Speaker 1: be comfortable and confident with who you are. And when 204 00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:21,679 Speaker 1: somebody's constantly telling you to not be who you are 205 00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:23,760 Speaker 1: right now, you feel like you have to push against them, 206 00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:26,960 Speaker 1: and it creates a whole lot of frustration. It creates 207 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,880 Speaker 1: a whole lot of anger, It creates a whole lot 208 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:31,400 Speaker 1: of discord in relationships. 209 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:34,559 Speaker 2: Our twenty two year old went through a rite of 210 00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:38,520 Speaker 2: passage the other day. She brought a self a car 211 00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:42,000 Speaker 2: when she got home after being away, and she had 212 00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:45,719 Speaker 2: to take it for its first service, and she got 213 00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:47,320 Speaker 2: a quote. They told her how much it was going 214 00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:49,600 Speaker 2: to be, and she dropped it off, and about two 215 00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:53,040 Speaker 2: hours later she got a phone call, well, we've done 216 00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:55,400 Speaker 2: the service, but we've realized that there's X, Y and 217 00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:57,520 Speaker 2: Z that needs to be done, so it's actually going 218 00:10:57,559 --> 00:10:59,800 Speaker 2: to cost you an extra you know, two hundred bucks. 219 00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:03,080 Speaker 2: She said, okay, and then she got a phone call 220 00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:06,400 Speaker 2: about another forty five minutes later, they checked the tires 221 00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:10,240 Speaker 2: and they found that not only had she got a 222 00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:12,880 Speaker 2: tax stuck in it, but it actually needed replacing as 223 00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:14,960 Speaker 2: a result. So it was another two hundred dollars on 224 00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:17,280 Speaker 2: top of what she was expecting. And she walked in 225 00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:18,800 Speaker 2: to me and she said, I think I've just had 226 00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:19,880 Speaker 2: the worst half of my life. 227 00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:20,640 Speaker 1: Yeah. 228 00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:24,679 Speaker 2: And I looked at her and I thought, welcome to adutod. 229 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:28,040 Speaker 1: This is what it means to go to car. So 230 00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:31,800 Speaker 1: moving on from that, this idea of earning your masculinity, 231 00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:35,160 Speaker 1: I actually this is really hard for mums to hear, especially, 232 00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:37,640 Speaker 1: but I think there's really great value in boys moving 233 00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:40,079 Speaker 1: away from home, like once the young adults, I think 234 00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:41,920 Speaker 1: that we should encourage them to create a little bit 235 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:43,680 Speaker 1: of distance to go out and experience. 236 00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:45,600 Speaker 2: I didn't think it matters with they're boys or girls. 237 00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:48,760 Speaker 2: I actually think that it's really important for our kids 238 00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:54,520 Speaker 2: to actually move on. Progression is literally why we're here. 239 00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:57,720 Speaker 2: We're here to progress. And while ever we stay under 240 00:11:57,760 --> 00:11:59,760 Speaker 2: mum and dad's roof, Mom and Dad are still doing 241 00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:02,920 Speaker 2: the world and they're cooking your food, and we just 242 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:06,000 Speaker 2: kind of sit in this space of I'm going to 243 00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:09,959 Speaker 2: say nothingness. We're not going anywhere, We're we're not working 244 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:14,000 Speaker 2: towards anything more times than not. And I just I 245 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,920 Speaker 2: don't think it's a male thing or a female thing. 246 00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:18,200 Speaker 2: I think across the board, our kids need to move on. 247 00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:23,000 Speaker 1: So fundamentally, when we are progressing, we feel good about life. 248 00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,000 Speaker 2: And we've got purpose, we've got direction. 249 00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:29,280 Speaker 1: And by moving out, it kind of forces progress that 250 00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:31,080 Speaker 1: doesn't happen when you're living at home and you're still 251 00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:32,959 Speaker 1: having your washing done for you and your meals cooked 252 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:35,240 Speaker 1: for you, and you're borrowing mom and Dad's car or 253 00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:37,640 Speaker 1: whatever those things are that are happening. So I'm not 254 00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:40,600 Speaker 1: encouraging everyone to say, well, boys, if you go like 255 00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:41,920 Speaker 1: get out of the house. I know that there's a 256 00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:43,680 Speaker 1: whole lot of other factors that come into it. There's 257 00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:48,040 Speaker 1: financial factors, and there's schooling factors and work factors and 258 00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:50,240 Speaker 1: all those kinds of things. I get all of that, 259 00:12:50,679 --> 00:12:53,400 Speaker 1: but I just want to highlight creating some distance is 260 00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:56,040 Speaker 1: sometimes the best thing that you can do for your relationship, 261 00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:58,360 Speaker 1: and that might be helpful. There's one last thing that 262 00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:00,080 Speaker 1: I'm going to mention. We are out of time, so 263 00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:02,400 Speaker 1: I'm going to mention it really, really briefly, and that 264 00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:04,800 Speaker 1: is that when there is some conflict, when there's some 265 00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:07,880 Speaker 1: disagreement about what's going on, if your child is now 266 00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:11,400 Speaker 1: in their young adult years, as a parent, it's your 267 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:16,160 Speaker 1: obligation to not tell them what to do. It's now 268 00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:18,839 Speaker 1: their life, and I know that comes with a whole 269 00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:21,400 Speaker 1: lot of frustration. But if you really really really have 270 00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:24,160 Speaker 1: to tell them, let me go through a quick process, 271 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:27,880 Speaker 1: a quick framework that's helpful. When your children a little 272 00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:31,040 Speaker 1: it's appropriate to cocoon them, to hide them away from 273 00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:34,440 Speaker 1: danger and risk and problems and concerns. But as they 274 00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:37,040 Speaker 1: get a bit bigger, you start to step into what's 275 00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:43,000 Speaker 1: called reasoned cocooning. That is, you explain them why you're 276 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:45,120 Speaker 1: cocooning them, or you talk to them about why you 277 00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:47,640 Speaker 1: think you should cocoon them, and ask them how they'd 278 00:13:47,679 --> 00:13:50,000 Speaker 1: like to work with you around that cocooning, because maybe 279 00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:52,280 Speaker 1: they are big enough to start to make their own decisions. 280 00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:56,920 Speaker 1: So that cocooning and reason cocooning is appropriate for young children. 281 00:13:57,640 --> 00:13:59,960 Speaker 1: But as they get older, they start to want to 282 00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:02,520 Speaker 1: explore the world, and that's when we have to step 283 00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:05,960 Speaker 1: into something called pre arming. We pre arm our children 284 00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:09,400 Speaker 1: by saying pretty soon, you're going to encounter these kinds 285 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:12,680 Speaker 1: of situations. How will you navigate them? And that's what 286 00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:14,240 Speaker 1: we do is our children are sort of between the 287 00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:17,920 Speaker 1: ages of eight and I'm going to say fourteen. When 288 00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:21,320 Speaker 1: they're a bit bigger and they're in those early teen years, 289 00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:25,600 Speaker 1: we move to something that's called deference. That's when we 290 00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:28,680 Speaker 1: defer to them. Now, if you defer to a thirteen 291 00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:30,520 Speaker 1: year old, you're going to find yourself in trouble. So 292 00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:33,040 Speaker 1: I mentioned the word reasoned. When it comes to cocooning, 293 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:36,240 Speaker 1: we actually step into reasoned deference. So we say, okay, 294 00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:39,120 Speaker 1: here's the situation. You're thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, you want to 295 00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:41,720 Speaker 1: do that thing, Let's talk it through. Here are all 296 00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:43,680 Speaker 1: of the options. Now I'm going to reason with you, 297 00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:45,600 Speaker 1: and then I'm going to defer to you and see 298 00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:49,080 Speaker 1: if you've got the executive control and the brain power 299 00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:51,640 Speaker 1: to work out the right way forward. And if they can't, 300 00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:53,480 Speaker 1: we still do step in from time to time and 301 00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:55,720 Speaker 1: cocuon them or spend some more time pre arming them. 302 00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:58,520 Speaker 1: But finally, by the time they get to sixteen, seventeen, 303 00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:02,239 Speaker 1: eighteen and step into younger dulthood, we moved to deference 304 00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:05,840 Speaker 1: where we say, well, you're a young man, now you're 305 00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:09,440 Speaker 1: a young woman. This really is your choice. If you 306 00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:12,240 Speaker 1: really feel like you need to have some input, you 307 00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:17,120 Speaker 1: don't start lecturing. You simply and gently say I have 308 00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:20,120 Speaker 1: a couple of ideas around this. Are you open to 309 00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:20,680 Speaker 1: hearing them? 310 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:27,160 Speaker 2: So I love this question because in their answering, we 311 00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:30,600 Speaker 2: get clarity on where we are in our relationship. When 312 00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:34,920 Speaker 2: they say yeah, I'm open, then you have influence. If 313 00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:36,200 Speaker 2: they say no, they're not. 314 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:37,800 Speaker 1: Yeah, no, leave me alone, I've got this. 315 00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:41,280 Speaker 2: Yeah, then you actually know that there's some work to 316 00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:45,600 Speaker 2: be done on your relationship because the connection isn't strong 317 00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:47,680 Speaker 2: enough right now for them to accept. 318 00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:49,760 Speaker 1: Normally Yeah, and normally. So I think about the couple 319 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:51,280 Speaker 1: of decades where I did not want to hear from 320 00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:53,440 Speaker 1: my parents when it came to advice. It was because 321 00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:55,840 Speaker 1: I didn't trust them, or more that I felt that 322 00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:56,720 Speaker 1: they didn't trust me. 323 00:15:58,320 --> 00:15:59,680 Speaker 2: I'm going to push back. I don't think it was 324 00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:01,760 Speaker 2: that so much at all. I think it was the 325 00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:03,920 Speaker 2: fact that your mom never gave you the opportunity to 326 00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:05,200 Speaker 2: accept it. 327 00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:08,120 Speaker 1: Well, I guess that's a trust issue though, It's like 328 00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:10,640 Speaker 1: you don't trust me and so I don't trust what 329 00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:13,520 Speaker 1: you're saying because you're not trusting in my ability to 330 00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:13,840 Speaker 1: do it. 331 00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:15,800 Speaker 2: She never asked if you were open to her opinion. 332 00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:19,880 Speaker 1: She just always has here it comes. 333 00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:24,680 Speaker 2: But the beautiful thing about that is over the years, 334 00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:27,920 Speaker 2: you've matured as a person number one, so you're more 335 00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:31,960 Speaker 2: I don't know, but you're more confident in your own decisions, 336 00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:36,680 Speaker 2: Whereas when you're younger, you're not. You're not confident, and 337 00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:38,960 Speaker 2: so when your mom comes in, she's busting to tell 338 00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:39,760 Speaker 2: you how. 339 00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:42,440 Speaker 1: To do it, how to live my life, because she's 340 00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:44,200 Speaker 1: got the experience, having lived hers already. 341 00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:46,560 Speaker 2: You've got to prove her wrong, right, correct, You've got 342 00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:48,840 Speaker 2: to prove it wrong. So you're not open to hearing it. 343 00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:50,720 Speaker 2: But when you get to a point in your life 344 00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:54,680 Speaker 2: where you're you've matured enough, you're comfortable, you're confident in it, 345 00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:56,600 Speaker 2: you can hear what she has to say because you 346 00:16:56,760 --> 00:17:01,080 Speaker 2: know that you don't actually have to accept correct can 347 00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:02,960 Speaker 2: listen to it. But it doesn't have to destroy your 348 00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:04,960 Speaker 2: relationship asking consent. 349 00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:07,520 Speaker 1: It just opens your kids up to it if they're willing, 350 00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:09,840 Speaker 1: And I think that's the real crux of it. But 351 00:17:10,119 --> 00:17:12,399 Speaker 1: I love where this has gone Kim. Hopefully there's been 352 00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:14,879 Speaker 1: some useful ideas for you in this conversation. That's the 353 00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:18,040 Speaker 1: idea of asking those tricky questions. If you have a 354 00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:20,600 Speaker 1: tricky question, you can jump online to Happy families dot 355 00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:23,919 Speaker 1: com DOTU, go to podcasts on our website, click the 356 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:27,720 Speaker 1: record button and start talking. It's literally that simple, super 357 00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:31,240 Speaker 1: simple system. We will also take your voice notes podcasts 358 00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:35,040 Speaker 1: at happy families dot com dot au. Got a voice 359 00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:37,280 Speaker 1: note lined up for next week from Anna can't wait 360 00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:40,879 Speaker 1: to talk about that one. Where do babies come from? 361 00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:44,120 Speaker 1: That's our conversation tomorrow on the podcast, we've gone from 362 00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:45,080 Speaker 1: big people. 363 00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:47,000 Speaker 2: I thought tricky questions were today to. 364 00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:50,440 Speaker 1: Little people's tomorrow. Join us then, thank you so much 365 00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:52,800 Speaker 1: for listening. The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin 366 00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:55,720 Speaker 1: Roulant from Bridge Media. For more information and more resources 367 00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:57,800 Speaker 1: to make your family happier, you'll find them at happy 368 00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:04,119 Speaker 1: families dot com dot au.