WEBVTT - How To Spot A Liar & Handle Difficult People. Uncut with Jefferson Fisher 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:02.200 This episode was recorded on cameragle Land. 0:00:12.119 --> 0:00:14.200 Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life. 0:00:14.240 --> 0:00:15.920 I'm Cant, I'm Laura, and I'm Keisha. 0:00:16.239 --> 0:00:16.560 Now. 0:00:16.600 --> 0:00:19.239 Over the last couple of months, we have had lots 0:00:19.239 --> 0:00:23.240 of conversations around communication. We did an episode on super 0:00:23.239 --> 0:00:27.560 communication recently, and I would say our response to ninety 0:00:27.640 --> 0:00:30.080 nine point nine percent of your ask guncut questions that 0:00:30.120 --> 0:00:33.440 come in is that you have to communicate, which can 0:00:33.479 --> 0:00:35.120 sound really arbitrary if you don't. 0:00:35.000 --> 0:00:35.880 Know how to do it well. 0:00:35.920 --> 0:00:38.239 And I think the unfortunate thing is is that so 0:00:38.360 --> 0:00:40.840 many of us think that we're very good at communicating 0:00:40.880 --> 0:00:43.280 and it's always the other person's fault or maybe that's 0:00:43.320 --> 0:00:46.480 just me in my relationshipships, but no, honestly, I think 0:00:46.520 --> 0:00:49.240 it's something that we are often told we need to 0:00:49.280 --> 0:00:51.960 be skilled at, but are not necessarily given the skills 0:00:52.000 --> 0:00:54.840 to improve it. And what does make someone an excellent 0:00:54.840 --> 0:00:58.880 communicator versus someone who really struggles with either getting a 0:00:58.920 --> 0:01:04.040 story across, saying sorry, being defensive? And these are things 0:01:04.040 --> 0:01:06.840 that you can apply to everyday aspects of your life, 0:01:06.840 --> 0:01:09.039 whether it be work, but it's also something that really 0:01:09.040 --> 0:01:11.640 shows up obviously in relationships and can become a real 0:01:11.640 --> 0:01:13.959 pinch point with the people who you love the most. 0:01:14.480 --> 0:01:17.640 So today's conversation. Now bear with me because this might 0:01:17.800 --> 0:01:21.000 sound a little bit left of field. We're speaking to 0:01:21.080 --> 0:01:23.920 Jefferson Fisher. He's a trial lawyer who you might know 0:01:24.040 --> 0:01:26.000 is the guy who records videos from his car all 0:01:26.000 --> 0:01:30.360 about how to communicate during life's everyday, very awkward situations 0:01:30.360 --> 0:01:34.039 and arguments. Now, Jefferson's amassed a huge following. It's five 0:01:34.080 --> 0:01:36.839 point eight million followers online. He's got a book out 0:01:36.880 --> 0:01:40.080 titled The Next Conversation, and it's his tried and true 0:01:40.080 --> 0:01:43.679 strategies to deal with difficult people and tough situations. This 0:01:43.840 --> 0:01:46.120 is also something which I think so many of us 0:01:46.160 --> 0:01:48.560 can put into practice in terms around how to feel 0:01:48.800 --> 0:01:52.200 and sound more confident when we are communicating, but also 0:01:52.840 --> 0:01:55.720 other strategies like how to use silence as a tool, 0:01:55.960 --> 0:01:58.240 and also how to respond to someone when you are 0:01:58.240 --> 0:02:00.880 in a situation where what they have said has been 0:02:00.920 --> 0:02:04.200 incredibly hurtful or you are in the midst of conflict, 0:02:04.240 --> 0:02:07.120 but how to deal with it better. Jefferson, welcome to 0:02:07.200 --> 0:02:07.720 the podcast. 0:02:07.840 --> 0:02:10.240 Thank you so much for having me. This is awesome. 0:02:10.440 --> 0:02:11.960 We just kind of put you on the spot and 0:02:12.000 --> 0:02:14.280 asked you what your actually unfiltered story was, and you 0:02:14.320 --> 0:02:16.280 looked kind of scared and blank for a second. 0:02:16.360 --> 0:02:18.280 Yeah, but we. 0:02:18.200 --> 0:02:20.639 Do start every episode the same way, and that is 0:02:20.680 --> 0:02:23.959 with your most embarrassing story and something happened to you 0:02:24.040 --> 0:02:24.680 when you're a kid. 0:02:24.760 --> 0:02:25.880 Just still dealing with the trauma. 0:02:26.040 --> 0:02:28.000 Yeah, still dealing with the trauma of it. So when 0:02:28.000 --> 0:02:30.680 I was in third grade, so I was maybe seven eight, 0:02:31.480 --> 0:02:34.440 I was on the top of the bleachers at my 0:02:34.919 --> 0:02:37.880 little elementary's Christmas program, and I was one of the 0:02:37.880 --> 0:02:41.120 tallest kids, and I had big, huge glasses, like big, 0:02:41.560 --> 0:02:45.359 big classes. Even one of my nosepads had broken off, 0:02:45.360 --> 0:02:47.480 so I had to get like a piece of tape. 0:02:48.200 --> 0:02:51.040 Like it was kind of Harry Potter esque of me 0:02:51.200 --> 0:02:55.200 just having holding these things together. And we might have 0:02:55.320 --> 0:02:57.720 been in the song, probably a way in the Manger 0:02:57.880 --> 0:03:02.680 or something worth as like some with Reindeer, and I 0:03:02.680 --> 0:03:04.960 had locked my knees. I didn't know that you shouldn't 0:03:04.960 --> 0:03:08.079 lock your knees, And all of a sudden, I'm standing 0:03:08.160 --> 0:03:11.920 up here singing and my breath got real heavy, and 0:03:12.360 --> 0:03:14.400 I could tell something was wrong. All of a sudden, 0:03:14.440 --> 0:03:18.440 I felt really sad. I felt was not gone right, 0:03:19.320 --> 0:03:21.880 and I was looking around, like is anybody else heeling 0:03:21.919 --> 0:03:25.920 this way? And before I knew it, everything went black 0:03:26.040 --> 0:03:28.800 and I fell forward and in the middle of this 0:03:28.919 --> 0:03:33.080 Christmas program, I just knocked down all the kids. Like 0:03:33.200 --> 0:03:37.480 it was just a yeah, yeah, like if you've seen 0:03:37.600 --> 0:03:41.960 like Home Alone, where somebody falls and they're on at 0:03:41.960 --> 0:03:44.040 a program and we just every all the kids just 0:03:44.080 --> 0:03:48.960 went in a line, and so they had to stop 0:03:49.080 --> 0:03:53.000 the program of course, and like carry me off. 0:03:53.280 --> 0:03:54.960 I don't think you're the first person who's had a 0:03:55.000 --> 0:03:58.000 similar story to this. I'm like having vague recollections now 0:03:58.040 --> 0:04:01.520 of a very like old accill filtered of someone who 0:04:01.600 --> 0:04:02.960 may passed out during choir. 0:04:03.160 --> 0:04:05.520 Yeah, I think that this is common. I think this happens. 0:04:05.600 --> 0:04:08.320 Maybe it's to do with like being up at a 0:04:08.400 --> 0:04:11.320 height and having to sing horrible hymns and the anxiety 0:04:11.360 --> 0:04:11.560 of it. 0:04:11.680 --> 0:04:13.800 Yeah, no, it was. No, you're not supposed to lock 0:04:13.840 --> 0:04:16.640 your knees, Like when you lock your knees you keep 0:04:16.800 --> 0:04:21.160 a blood from flowing, and really yeah, yeah, yeah, so 0:04:21.240 --> 0:04:23.080 that's that's what it was. At least that's what I 0:04:23.160 --> 0:04:25.960 was told my whole life, and I just have at 0:04:26.080 --> 0:04:29.039 least that that it wasn't my anxiety. It was me 0:04:29.160 --> 0:04:31.920 locking my knees. I'm telling myself that that's what we're 0:04:31.920 --> 0:04:32.320 going with. 0:04:32.600 --> 0:04:34.080 Well, I mean, you're the experts, so we're here to 0:04:34.080 --> 0:04:36.120 believe everything you say. Any Okay, Like you could tell 0:04:36.160 --> 0:04:38.640 me anything right now and I'll say yes, perfect, because. 0:04:38.400 --> 0:04:40.400 You're really told the pressure is different up there. 0:04:40.320 --> 0:04:42.000 That's true. Yeah, different altitude. 0:04:42.080 --> 0:04:42.560 Jefferson. 0:04:42.640 --> 0:04:44.679 When I went through the first part of your book, 0:04:44.839 --> 0:04:47.760 I got the impression you felt as though your destiny 0:04:47.839 --> 0:04:50.000 was kind of written for you by the people in 0:04:50.040 --> 0:04:52.400 your family and the fact that they had all kind 0:04:52.440 --> 0:04:55.599 of followed in this same same path. And I was 0:04:55.640 --> 0:04:58.360 curious about whether it was a passion that was kind 0:04:58.360 --> 0:05:01.039 of bred into you to become Iyer or whether it 0:05:01.080 --> 0:05:02.839 was something that you kind of you just thought, well, 0:05:02.880 --> 0:05:04.800 I've got to follow in the family footsteps. 0:05:04.960 --> 0:05:08.440 Yeah. I never felt like it was a requirement. I 0:05:08.480 --> 0:05:12.839 never felt like it was an obligation. It was something 0:05:12.920 --> 0:05:16.960 I was excited about. Now, I will tell you of 0:05:17.000 --> 0:05:20.440 my like line in my family, of my generation, I'm 0:05:20.480 --> 0:05:23.920 the only attorney, and there's not another attorney beneath me either. 0:05:24.520 --> 0:05:28.239 I just had a really unique experience where I got 0:05:28.279 --> 0:05:31.800 to see a lot of that, and it felt as 0:05:31.800 --> 0:05:33.680 if like, no, this is what I'm supposed to do, 0:05:34.040 --> 0:05:36.599 and that felt like a calling. That certainly felt like 0:05:36.600 --> 0:05:38.880 there's my purpose. But I mean I had the freedom 0:05:38.920 --> 0:05:41.320 to go do whatever I wanted to do. I went 0:05:41.360 --> 0:05:44.279 to business school at the University of Texas here and 0:05:44.320 --> 0:05:46.559 then when I got to law school, law school felt 0:05:46.600 --> 0:05:50.440 way easier than college for me. It's just naturally, maybe 0:05:50.480 --> 0:05:53.800 through osmosis, I just I absorbed a lot more of 0:05:53.800 --> 0:05:56.479 that information. It just felt natural to me. 0:05:56.800 --> 0:05:59.360 I mean, something else that's obviously seems to be something 0:05:59.360 --> 0:06:01.719 that's come natural to you, is this idea in the 0:06:01.839 --> 0:06:02.760 art of communication. 0:06:02.960 --> 0:06:04.520 It's the art of storytelling. 0:06:05.040 --> 0:06:07.599 Can you talk to me about how you found that 0:06:08.040 --> 0:06:10.880 being a very good storyteller has linked into what you're 0:06:10.880 --> 0:06:14.480 doing for an occupation, and how you finessed that skill 0:06:14.680 --> 0:06:15.360 over the years. 0:06:15.800 --> 0:06:18.360 Well, one, I grew up hearing a lot of wonderful 0:06:18.360 --> 0:06:24.800 communicators and storytellers. Any trial attorney, they're storytellers. And to 0:06:24.839 --> 0:06:27.039 be able to advocate for your client, you have to 0:06:27.200 --> 0:06:31.719 tell and weave a story for the jury or the judge, 0:06:32.160 --> 0:06:34.040 and so you have to be able to present facts 0:06:34.040 --> 0:06:36.680 in a way that are persuasive, that are captivating, that 0:06:36.720 --> 0:06:38.800 are not boring, And most of all, you have to 0:06:38.800 --> 0:06:41.440 find a way to take a lot of information and 0:06:41.520 --> 0:06:44.279 synthesize it down. So you might have boxes and boxes 0:06:44.279 --> 0:06:46.800 and boxes of information, but you can't just show a 0:06:46.880 --> 0:06:49.320 jury to say, hey, read every page of this. You 0:06:49.400 --> 0:06:52.160 have to find captivating ways to describe it, tell them 0:06:52.200 --> 0:06:54.680 why it's important. So a lot of my job is 0:06:54.839 --> 0:06:56.560 because I take like a book and I have to 0:06:56.560 --> 0:06:59.440 turn it into two sentences. So I have to find 0:06:59.480 --> 0:07:03.680 ways to synthesize and shorten information that it's very memorable, 0:07:03.920 --> 0:07:06.599 that it's bite size, and it feels like, Okay, I 0:07:06.640 --> 0:07:09.560 got this. I grew up watching storytellers the way that 0:07:09.600 --> 0:07:13.680 they can begin a sentence through everything in between your 0:07:13.920 --> 0:07:18.000 absolutely captivated, biting. You get taken on this journey. And 0:07:18.000 --> 0:07:21.400 we love stories as humans, we love a good story. 0:07:21.560 --> 0:07:23.880 It wasn't until I started sharing a lot of them 0:07:23.920 --> 0:07:27.720 and teaching my clients after I became an attorney, where 0:07:27.880 --> 0:07:30.600 I would see how they were responding into situations, and 0:07:30.640 --> 0:07:32.280 so I take a break and go, hey, the next 0:07:32.320 --> 0:07:35.200 time they say that, say this, And then they would 0:07:35.440 --> 0:07:37.880 and it turned out way different. Or I'd say, hey, 0:07:37.960 --> 0:07:41.239 the next time this happens, don't respond, Just wait about 0:07:41.240 --> 0:07:43.680 ten seconds and all of a sudden it will work 0:07:43.680 --> 0:07:47.960 and have a totally different outcome. And I began to go, Okay, 0:07:48.640 --> 0:07:51.000 there's something to this of me helping my clients, and 0:07:51.000 --> 0:07:53.480 that's what helped a lot of my business and as 0:07:53.520 --> 0:07:55.000 a trial attorney grow really well. 0:07:55.320 --> 0:07:57.520 Have you ever in practice, whether it be for your 0:07:57.520 --> 0:07:59.680 own client or maybe you've just heard a story of 0:07:59.720 --> 0:08:03.240 someone else is in court where you've thought that if 0:08:03.240 --> 0:08:06.400 they were better at storytelling, the outcome or the verdict 0:08:06.480 --> 0:08:09.440 I suppose could have been very, very different, you know, 0:08:09.520 --> 0:08:13.080 like where the facts were potentially actually quite solid, but 0:08:13.160 --> 0:08:15.800 it was their storytelling that ended up letting them down. 0:08:16.560 --> 0:08:19.960 Yes, the truth will only come out as much as 0:08:20.000 --> 0:08:23.320 you advocate for it. So I could have all the 0:08:23.400 --> 0:08:26.560 right facts in a case that if I can't persuasively 0:08:27.000 --> 0:08:30.080 tell you those facts, it won't matter. So you might 0:08:30.120 --> 0:08:33.800 have an attorney who is not a good communicator, who's 0:08:33.880 --> 0:08:36.840 not good at telling stories to the jury because you're 0:08:36.880 --> 0:08:41.040 almost compelled to. They have something called opening argument, where 0:08:41.080 --> 0:08:43.400 you're going to tell the jury what this case is about, 0:08:43.480 --> 0:08:45.760 and what all your evidence is going to show, and 0:08:45.840 --> 0:08:48.920 why you should find for their client. If you can't 0:08:48.960 --> 0:08:53.000 do that persuasively, you're going to lose because they don't 0:08:53.080 --> 0:08:55.720 know where you're going. They don't know why your facts matter. 0:08:56.120 --> 0:08:59.000 They don't know why your evidence matters. So you have 0:08:59.080 --> 0:09:01.959 to present it in a way that's going to be effective. 0:09:02.000 --> 0:09:05.760 I've absolutely seen it where my facts were not nearly 0:09:05.800 --> 0:09:09.240 as good as the other attorney and we still had 0:09:09.280 --> 0:09:12.920 a wonderful result for the client because we just communicated 0:09:12.960 --> 0:09:16.200 what we needed better than the other person. Some people 0:09:16.400 --> 0:09:18.720 on the other side, their whole purpose is to beat 0:09:18.760 --> 0:09:22.240 you up. That's not the purpose because they have it wrong. 0:09:22.520 --> 0:09:25.240 The jury doesn't care about that. The jury is your audience, 0:09:25.520 --> 0:09:27.560 so it's always the question of who's your audience, who's 0:09:27.559 --> 0:09:29.600 the decision maker, that's who you need to talk to. 0:09:30.120 --> 0:09:33.560 I find it very interesting, like the association between what 0:09:33.600 --> 0:09:35.320 you do for work, but also like this is what 0:09:35.360 --> 0:09:37.720 we do in relationships when we're having an argument, Like 0:09:37.720 --> 0:09:39.520 we're trying to win an argument, we're trying to get 0:09:39.520 --> 0:09:42.840 our point across, but sometimes we're not really listening to 0:09:42.880 --> 0:09:44.280 what's being said back to us. 0:09:44.640 --> 0:09:45.240 I'm in the. 0:09:45.160 --> 0:09:46.960 Depths of it with my partner right now, So this 0:09:47.000 --> 0:09:51.040 feels very close to home. But when it comes to communicating, 0:09:51.280 --> 0:09:54.960 when there is conflict or there is a disagreement around something, 0:09:55.440 --> 0:09:57.959 how do you know the difference between when you're arguing 0:09:58.040 --> 0:10:01.120 to win or when you're having a conversation to win 0:10:01.240 --> 0:10:04.000 something versus having a conversation to come to resolution. 0:10:04.400 --> 0:10:06.760 Who you're saying it for. Are you saying it for 0:10:06.800 --> 0:10:09.240 yourself so you can hear it and then to go, oh, 0:10:09.280 --> 0:10:11.920 that sounded good. Are you saying it for the other 0:10:11.960 --> 0:10:14.839 person to help them understand a little bit more. What 0:10:14.880 --> 0:10:18.960 we mostly do in arguments is we try to us intelligent, 0:10:19.280 --> 0:10:22.439 smart people, quick witted. We want to come up with 0:10:22.559 --> 0:10:25.520 the zinger, like we want to have the gotcha moment 0:10:25.520 --> 0:10:29.720 where we pull together this poetic response that's just going 0:10:29.760 --> 0:10:32.520 to bury them once and for all in conversation, and 0:10:32.559 --> 0:10:35.560 that never happens. Like you say, the hard thing that 0:10:35.640 --> 0:10:39.960 you think is going to win. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry, 0:10:40.000 --> 0:10:40.760 this is it's all me. 0:10:40.880 --> 0:10:42.600 This is no, it's true. I mean this is a 0:10:42.600 --> 0:10:44.120 hard truth. I'm swallowing. 0:10:45.760 --> 0:10:48.840 Ye. Yeah. You you go into it wanting to win. 0:10:49.640 --> 0:10:52.360 And what I teach is you need to have something 0:10:52.360 --> 0:10:55.640 to learn, not something to prove. And when you try 0:10:55.679 --> 0:10:59.040 to always win the argument. All you're doing is like 0:10:59.120 --> 0:11:01.679 what we talked about as the bad trial attorney. You're 0:11:01.679 --> 0:11:04.240 just beating up the other side. You're not trying to 0:11:04.280 --> 0:11:07.800 convince and persuade and give your point clearly so that 0:11:07.880 --> 0:11:11.080 others can understand it. It's easy to get stuck in 0:11:11.120 --> 0:11:14.559 this echo chamber where you're just saying it. To say it, 0:11:14.800 --> 0:11:17.440 like you've heard probably in friends, they go, I just 0:11:17.480 --> 0:11:21.160 have to say, like, Nay, don't, No, you really don't. 0:11:21.240 --> 0:11:24.160 You're just saying it so that everybody goes, you are 0:11:24.200 --> 0:11:26.760 so smart, like that is. That's why you're saying it. 0:11:26.760 --> 0:11:28.760 You're not saying it for the aid the conversation. You're 0:11:28.760 --> 0:11:33.800 saying for yourself gratification. You're listening to respond. And it 0:11:33.920 --> 0:11:37.439 is an easy way to just slowly lose the relationship. 0:11:37.480 --> 0:11:40.280 If you only see arguments as something to win, you 0:11:40.320 --> 0:11:44.440 will lose the relationship every time. That's why I write 0:11:44.480 --> 0:11:47.160 my book never win an argument. It's only going to 0:11:47.679 --> 0:11:51.600 hurt you and hurt your credibility and most importantly, hurt 0:11:51.600 --> 0:11:53.160 the connection with the other person. 0:11:53.360 --> 0:11:55.400 What does winning an argument look like to you? 0:11:55.920 --> 0:11:58.600 Winning means I said that one thing that went too far. 0:11:59.240 --> 0:12:02.760 That's what typically happens. You and I are in an argument, 0:12:02.840 --> 0:12:06.079 let's say, and we're getting escalated. I am going to 0:12:06.120 --> 0:12:08.760 get frustrated that you're not receiving my point. You're gonna 0:12:08.760 --> 0:12:11.560 get frustrated that I'm not receiving your point, And eventually 0:12:11.559 --> 0:12:15.480 somebody will say something that's hurtful, crosses the line that's 0:12:15.520 --> 0:12:18.600 below the belt, that puts the other person down to 0:12:18.679 --> 0:12:20.959 the other person wants out of it. They want to leave, 0:12:21.000 --> 0:12:22.439 they want to hang up the phone, they want to 0:12:22.480 --> 0:12:24.880 leave the room. It's just the fight or flight in 0:12:24.960 --> 0:12:28.000 real time and micromoments there in that conversation, you're either 0:12:28.000 --> 0:12:30.040 wanting to say a hurtful word, say a cutting word, 0:12:30.080 --> 0:12:34.600 or you're wanting to leave the conversation. Eventually that happens, 0:12:35.000 --> 0:12:38.000 and whoever is left there standing most of the time 0:12:38.080 --> 0:12:40.440 is self proclaimed the winner. Oh you left, Oh, I 0:12:40.440 --> 0:12:42.360 guess you don't want to be in this conversation, But 0:12:42.440 --> 0:12:43.880 you're the one that said the hurtful thing that maybe 0:12:43.920 --> 0:12:46.400 want to leave in the first place. That is most 0:12:46.400 --> 0:12:49.240 of the time what we see as a win, because 0:12:49.960 --> 0:12:52.640 if it's truly I want to understand your point and 0:12:52.679 --> 0:12:56.320 I want to understand my point, there's no sense of win. 0:12:56.679 --> 0:13:01.360 It's a sense of understanding and connection and acknowledgement. You're 0:13:01.400 --> 0:13:04.600 not trying to get that hit of going oh, yes, 0:13:04.720 --> 0:13:06.800 I got it. That was such a good zinger. That 0:13:06.880 --> 0:13:10.000 felt so good. I really told them off. That moment 0:13:10.120 --> 0:13:10.800 doesn't last. 0:13:10.760 --> 0:13:13.439 Very long when we're in these conflicts, Like as much 0:13:13.480 --> 0:13:15.079 of the research that we have done, as many of 0:13:15.160 --> 0:13:18.080 these kind of conversations that I have, and I'm able 0:13:18.120 --> 0:13:20.800 to objectively say, Okay, this is what I should do 0:13:20.800 --> 0:13:22.600 in an argument, this is the better way for me 0:13:22.640 --> 0:13:25.080 to converse with my partner if we're having conflict and 0:13:25.080 --> 0:13:25.680 that kind of thing. 0:13:26.040 --> 0:13:26.880 When you're in. 0:13:26.760 --> 0:13:30.880 It, it can feel so hard to park your emotions. 0:13:30.920 --> 0:13:32.640 And I think a little bit of it is ego 0:13:32.679 --> 0:13:37.040 as well, parking your ego, parking the emotions, because you 0:13:37.160 --> 0:13:39.320 can just be so enraged with the fact that you 0:13:39.320 --> 0:13:41.920 know what you have to say in your perspective is 0:13:41.920 --> 0:13:44.080 the right perspective, and you just want them to listen 0:13:44.080 --> 0:13:46.280 to you. Yeah, what are some of your tips on 0:13:46.520 --> 0:13:48.880 toning down that emotion, or like, what are some of 0:13:48.920 --> 0:13:51.640 the practical things that we can do in that moment 0:13:52.160 --> 0:13:54.800 to change the trajectory of the conflict. 0:13:55.200 --> 0:13:58.240 Number one is your breath. Let your breath be the 0:13:58.240 --> 0:14:03.240 first word that you say. If you just all you're 0:14:03.280 --> 0:14:05.400 thinking of what is what you're going to say next, 0:14:05.679 --> 0:14:08.040 that means you weren't listening to them. You weren't listening 0:14:08.080 --> 0:14:12.600 to understand. You were simply listening for your time at 0:14:12.640 --> 0:14:14.640 bat for you to get to swing at them and 0:14:14.679 --> 0:14:16.839 say that a hurtful thing or something that's going to 0:14:16.920 --> 0:14:19.520 be cutting to them. But when you use your breath, 0:14:20.560 --> 0:14:23.640 it allows you to keep that logical side, that analytical 0:14:23.720 --> 0:14:27.800 side in and you don't get emotionally flooded, because that's 0:14:27.840 --> 0:14:30.320 what really happens. You say something we find have that 0:14:30.360 --> 0:14:33.600 difficult miscommunication, and all of a sudden I need to 0:14:33.600 --> 0:14:37.080 beat you down. All you're doing is just pushing them 0:14:37.120 --> 0:14:39.360 away because that's what you want to do, really without 0:14:39.360 --> 0:14:42.280 you thinking of it. Two aside from your breath, it's 0:14:42.320 --> 0:14:45.280 slowing your words down. If I speed up my words 0:14:45.320 --> 0:14:48.640 really fast, it's going to create more anxiety and it's 0:14:48.640 --> 0:14:50.880 gonna be hard to hear. Like if you were to 0:14:50.880 --> 0:14:53.520 play this podcast on three times to speed, it's gonna 0:14:53.520 --> 0:14:55.560 be hard to catch things. It's gonna get kind of 0:14:55.560 --> 0:14:57.800 anxious of like wait, what EDA miss? What I do versus. 0:14:57.840 --> 0:15:02.160 When you slow things down, you get to become intentional 0:15:02.840 --> 0:15:06.160 and you get to become methodical. I'm showing you that 0:15:06.560 --> 0:15:09.880 I'm not being pushed around in any conversation. I'm taking 0:15:10.120 --> 0:15:14.000 my time. I'm the one, not you, that controls the 0:15:14.040 --> 0:15:17.760 pace of this conversation. So just because you said something 0:15:18.760 --> 0:15:21.520 does not mean I have to respond. I'm in complete 0:15:21.560 --> 0:15:24.280 control of whether I say anything or I just let 0:15:24.360 --> 0:15:26.720 what you said and go by and I don't have 0:15:26.760 --> 0:15:30.960 to say anything to it. Three, it's adding distance between 0:15:30.960 --> 0:15:33.800 what they said and how you respond. So anytime when 0:15:33.840 --> 0:15:36.280 somebody sent you that rapid text or a text that 0:15:36.320 --> 0:15:39.640 you don't like, problems happen when you just reply immediately. 0:15:39.680 --> 0:15:41.840 You're not thinking about it. Your motions are right there 0:15:41.880 --> 0:15:43.920 at the forefront. You're not giving your breath enough time 0:15:43.960 --> 0:15:46.400 to calm you down and calm your nervous system down 0:15:46.520 --> 0:15:48.960 and get out of that ignition mode. Like anytime you 0:15:49.080 --> 0:15:51.560 respond to something the next day, you really don't care 0:15:51.560 --> 0:15:53.400 about it as much as you did the day before 0:15:53.880 --> 0:15:55.920 or maybe the week after. You're like, this wasn't even 0:15:55.960 --> 0:15:58.120 that big of a deal, but yet at that moment, 0:15:58.240 --> 0:16:01.720 it really was. So when you add distance and even 0:16:01.720 --> 0:16:03.480 if it says, hey, you and I are in a 0:16:03.520 --> 0:16:06.320 hard conversation. If I say, I can tell I'm getting 0:16:06.360 --> 0:16:08.960 really upset right now, I like to continue this conversation 0:16:09.080 --> 0:16:13.840 and this afternoon. That right there is emotionally intelligent, that 0:16:13.960 --> 0:16:15.480 right there says I'm going to make sure I stay 0:16:15.480 --> 0:16:16.760 in control the whole time. 0:16:18.120 --> 0:16:20.200 I find this very very interesting, cause I think the 0:16:20.200 --> 0:16:23.920 problem is is like when you come into conflict, usually 0:16:24.000 --> 0:16:26.960 it's both people are not showing up at one hundred percent, Like, 0:16:27.080 --> 0:16:30.680 no one person is completely at fault. Often it's both 0:16:30.720 --> 0:16:33.760 people are mutually not communicating in a way that's conducive 0:16:33.800 --> 0:16:37.400 to a healthy relationship. But sometimes there are instances where 0:16:37.520 --> 0:16:40.160 you might be getting gas lit, you might be being lied to, 0:16:40.400 --> 0:16:44.320 Like there are times where one person technically is at fault, 0:16:44.360 --> 0:16:47.280 and that's where the conflict has arisen from. What are 0:16:47.320 --> 0:16:50.080 your tips when you are in a situation where you 0:16:50.240 --> 0:16:52.560 know the person you're speaking to is lying to you, 0:16:52.760 --> 0:16:54.680 or you know that the person you're speaking to is 0:16:54.680 --> 0:16:57.200 trying to manipulate what you're saying or what you're doing. 0:16:57.680 --> 0:17:01.000 The biggest key anytimes, some my lyned here trying to 0:17:01.000 --> 0:17:05.159 manipulate you is to begin going with what they're saying 0:17:06.400 --> 0:17:09.359 and starting to confront it every single step of the 0:17:09.359 --> 0:17:13.240 way instead of letting them kind of manipulate them. Omseelves 0:17:13.760 --> 0:17:17.160 in their own circle. So we kind of become the cat, 0:17:17.359 --> 0:17:20.520 and they have the laser pointer where they bring up 0:17:20.560 --> 0:17:23.240 a story. Let's say you and I are fighting over 0:17:23.320 --> 0:17:27.040 what happened last night at dinner and you go, that's 0:17:27.080 --> 0:17:28.520 not what happened. I go, yes, yes it did, and 0:17:28.560 --> 0:17:30.439 I have to construct the whole narrative again to make 0:17:30.480 --> 0:17:32.240 it sound like it's me. Like you've been with those 0:17:32.240 --> 0:17:34.280 people that are like, don't you remember you said this 0:17:34.359 --> 0:17:36.280 and then I said this, and they're trying to twist 0:17:36.320 --> 0:17:39.720 it every single step of the way. One thing to 0:17:39.760 --> 0:17:42.120 do when somebody is lying to you is a lot 0:17:42.160 --> 0:17:45.720 of silence. There's the reason why Number one, Like we said, 0:17:45.720 --> 0:17:48.360 it controls your nervous system. You stay with your mind 0:17:48.400 --> 0:17:51.280 at the forefront. More importantly, it makes the liar nervous 0:17:51.560 --> 0:17:54.439 because they see you're not going with them, you're not 0:17:54.520 --> 0:17:56.679 the cat, and they have the laser pointer. You're not 0:17:57.040 --> 0:17:59.240 leaving and trying to say that's not what happened, No, 0:17:59.400 --> 0:18:01.800 that's not what happen and trying to correct every single 0:18:01.840 --> 0:18:04.600 lie that they are intentionally trying to manipulate and put 0:18:04.640 --> 0:18:08.399 in your way. Instead, you're just giving that silence. What 0:18:08.520 --> 0:18:10.440 a lot of times liars do. I see this a 0:18:10.480 --> 0:18:12.680 lot in my own experience as a trial attorney, because 0:18:12.680 --> 0:18:14.840 there's a lot of people who lie on the oath 0:18:14.960 --> 0:18:19.200 or in a deposition. Is when you stay quiet, they 0:18:19.240 --> 0:18:21.879 start to talk to themselves in their own head and 0:18:21.920 --> 0:18:24.200 it starts to driving crazy, and so they they will 0:18:24.240 --> 0:18:26.480 start to talk out loud of like I mean, I 0:18:26.520 --> 0:18:28.720 wouldn't do that. Why would I do that? I mean, 0:18:28.720 --> 0:18:30.879 that's that's crazy. Why would I? And they start to 0:18:31.240 --> 0:18:34.879 kind of convince themselves out loud or they kind of 0:18:34.920 --> 0:18:37.000 start walking back a little bit. So if I were 0:18:37.040 --> 0:18:39.239 to ask a witness, you know, did you see the 0:18:39.240 --> 0:18:41.440 red car and they say no, no, I never saw 0:18:41.480 --> 0:18:44.400 the red car, and I just let that slide, They're 0:18:44.400 --> 0:18:47.679 gonna get nervous because they're in a lie. They might say, well, 0:18:47.720 --> 0:18:49.560 I mean I might have saw it. I don't know. 0:18:50.040 --> 0:18:51.840 And then if I give them an out to say 0:18:51.880 --> 0:18:54.119 it's I mean, it's okay if you did see the 0:18:54.160 --> 0:18:56.640 right car, then they're like, I mean, yeah, I think 0:18:56.680 --> 0:18:58.359 I did. I did see it I do. Like with 0:18:58.400 --> 0:19:00.480 my son, my son, I like, brush his teeth. 0:19:00.880 --> 0:19:01.760 How old is your son? 0:19:02.119 --> 0:19:04.440 Seven? I have a five year old and a seven 0:19:04.520 --> 0:19:06.840 year old, a seven year old son, five year old daughter. 0:19:07.200 --> 0:19:08.920 I'll be like, did you brush your teeth? He'll be 0:19:08.960 --> 0:19:11.000 like yeah, oh yeah, and I'll look at them and go, 0:19:13.119 --> 0:19:16.920 you brush your teeth? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, brush my teeth. 0:19:17.680 --> 0:19:19.800 And then I'll just give it some silence and I'll go, 0:19:20.840 --> 0:19:22.359