Speaker 1: This episode was recorded on cameragle Land.
Speaker 2: Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life.
Speaker 2: I'm Cut, I'm.
Speaker 3: Laura, I'm Brittany. I know we've spoken recently about a
Speaker 3: couple of weeks. I was talking about developing that garlic allergy.
Speaker 3: You know how you and I were like, oh, we
Speaker 3: developed an allergy as adults. I think, and I don't
Speaker 3: know what's wrong with me. I'm developing more allergies. Probably
Speaker 3: like twice a week. I will eat something that puts
Speaker 3: me in so much pain, and I know something's age.
Speaker 2: I think it's ages. You do you know what I
Speaker 2: found myself googling yesterday?
Speaker 3: I googled fat vagina.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, no, I googled. I don't even know how
Speaker 1: to describe it because I don't know how I came
Speaker 1: up with the Google search.
Speaker 3: Just tell me what.
Speaker 2: But basically, I was eating fruit and every time I
Speaker 2: would swallow the pineapple, I was like half choking because
Speaker 2: it had so much liquid in it. Right, Okay, giar
Speaker 2: me out. This is fucking weird. Follow the story.
Speaker 1: We're I was like swallowing, and.
Speaker 2: I was like after every and then I was like,
Speaker 2: have I just lost muscle tone? In my throat, Like,
Speaker 2: am I not able to swallow anymore? So here it
Speaker 2: was and I was like, does pregnancy affect swallowing?
Speaker 1: And it was like, no, pregnancy doesn't.
Speaker 2: But you could have dysphasia, which is when your muscle
Speaker 2: tone in your neck loosens because of age.
Speaker 4: And I was like, no, nine nine, so hactic. But
Speaker 4: I actually have a bit of info about this.
Speaker 1: He's just like more blow jobs. It tightens it right now. No,
Speaker 1: no, no no.
Speaker 4: Because the pregnancy belly forces your stomach to lift, it
Speaker 4: can cause you to get a lot more reflux. Because
Speaker 4: it's got to do with like the acid and pushing
Speaker 4: up and stuff. So pineapples particularly acidic.
Speaker 2: Maybe it's you know, well I acidity going down your
Speaker 2: I carry it around like a thing of gavescon. Now
Speaker 2: I drink that like it's a little whiskey can in
Speaker 2: my bag like a little I have suck it.
Speaker 3: Down to contribute here.
Speaker 1: I also have daspasia.
Speaker 3: I was also fed this yesterday and I actually did
Speaker 3: this test myself. If you can't swallow three times in
Speaker 3: a row, there's something that's wrong with like the synapses
Speaker 3: in your brain due to it. Could be things like
Speaker 3: extreme stress or anything that's happening with your body, because
Speaker 3: it's a learned trait. So like actually watched it and
Speaker 3: I was doing this whole thing. Yes, say you have
Speaker 3: to swallow. Do it now three times quickly.
Speaker 2: Like every single person has already just done it as
Speaker 2: you're speaking.
Speaker 1: I already did as soon as you say, I did it.
Speaker 4: I'm worried about medical misinformation, guys.
Speaker 1: It's not swallowing.
Speaker 3: I was like, guys, no one here is a doctor,
Speaker 3: how much who cares grain of fucking salt online? I
Speaker 3: just did it.
Speaker 1: Disclaimer, this is not medical. If we haven't been canceled yet.
Speaker 2: We're not doing it for dispage. I don't think that
Speaker 2: that's what it's going to be for. Like, I'm just
Speaker 2: going to put that out there. Well, look, guys, this
Speaker 2: is our Aska and cut episode.
Speaker 3: Ask what gave me an allergy for my belly?
Speaker 1: Oh fuck? Sorry, what was the allergy?
Speaker 3: We're just snipping over my medical conditions. So sorry, acidic pinapple,
Speaker 3: I swallow. I actually can't be sure, but I did
Speaker 3: have weekbix, so I haven't had Weekbix in a long time,
Speaker 3: so I'm wondering if it's.
Speaker 1: The week Oh thank fuck, we got to the bottom of.
Speaker 3: That, everyone would have spent the rest of the day wondering,
Speaker 3: Laura if we didn't do that. All right, So moving on,
Speaker 3: it's Ask gun Cut. We answer your questions, you write
Speaker 3: the me in. We do want to talk about a
Speaker 3: question we talked about last week though.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well look, we had a question that came in
Speaker 2: last week. It was the last question of last week's
Speaker 2: Ask gun Cut and it has created quite the conversation
Speaker 2: in the Facebook group also online, and it's something that
Speaker 2: we have all thought about since. And like often we
Speaker 2: get questions in they're anonymous, as you guys know, but
Speaker 2: they also leave you questioning, like, Okay, what would I
Speaker 2: do if I was in this situation? Was the question
Speaker 2: answered in a way that was the most complete way
Speaker 2: of answering it? And also was it the most complete
Speaker 2: way of answering it for the person who wrote it
Speaker 2: in or for the people who are listening who have
Speaker 2: never actually experienced it themselves, because that's two different things. Now,
Speaker 2: if you didn't listen to last week's episode, firstly, go
Speaker 2: back and have a listen. But just to give you
Speaker 2: a quick summation of what that question was about. It
Speaker 2: was written in by a woman who's in a heterosexual relationship,
Speaker 2: and originally she's married and has been for more than
Speaker 2: five years. And originally her and her partner both had
Speaker 2: incredibly high sex drives, and we're having sex every single day.
Speaker 2: Over time, her sex drive has dropped slightly, but her
Speaker 2: partners hasn't, and he still expects sex every day. And
Speaker 2: not only does he expect sex every day, but if
Speaker 2: there's an instance where she doesn't have sex with him,
Speaker 2: he kind of not well, I shouldn't say you kindt it.
Speaker 2: He guilt trips her into it, or he talks her
Speaker 2: into this idea that there's like a sex debt where
Speaker 2: she has to make it up to him.
Speaker 3: Yeah, like we missed two days, so we'll do it
Speaker 3: for some time.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so we'll do it twice, Yeah, you know, to
Speaker 2: try and make up for it. I really would love
Speaker 2: for you guys to go back and listen to the
Speaker 2: actual question and all of the wording of it as well,
Speaker 2: because I think it's important for the full context of
Speaker 2: what it was. But it was really interesting to me
Speaker 2: because we gave advice based on I mean, we made
Speaker 2: it very very clear that no one should ever be
Speaker 2: guilted into having sex. You should never be in a
Speaker 2: relationship where you feel as though that you have an
Speaker 2: obligation to have sex with someone.
Speaker 1: Sex is not an obligation.
Speaker 2: All of those things were communicated, but it was really
Speaker 2: evident in the responses that came in online that everyone
Speaker 2: saw the absolute quote unquote carnival of red flags that
Speaker 2: this was displaying. But most people jump to get the
Speaker 2: fuck out of that relationship. And I guess the reason
Speaker 2: why I wanted to talk about this is because it's
Speaker 2: really a challenging thing, which is navigating advice or what
Speaker 2: would you do in a situation and meeting someone where
Speaker 2: they're at in their life experience. And as much as like,
Speaker 2: not a single person in this room agrees with the
Speaker 2: behavior of this man and thinks it is there is
Speaker 2: such coercive control around sex in this instance and weaponizing of.
Speaker 3: Sex, none of it is okay.
Speaker 2: Yeah, the person who wrote this in our anonymous listener
Speaker 2: who would be listening to that episode for advice, they
Speaker 2: are not at the place where hearing fucking leave your
Speaker 2: relationship would be a helpful resolution to the problem that
Speaker 2: they're having. And I say this because we've all had
Speaker 2: that friend who has gone through a really fucking like
Speaker 2: it is so obvious from the outset that that is
Speaker 2: an unhealthy situation to be in, and you might scream
Speaker 2: at them from the rooftops you need to fucking leave.
Speaker 2: But unless someone is at the point in their relationship
Speaker 2: where they want to leave or they need to leave,
Speaker 2: or they've had that resolution themselves in their own brains,
Speaker 2: there's no amount of saying it to someone that's going
Speaker 2: to like give them that epiphany. And I would say
Speaker 2: the first steps is usually trying to work on what
Speaker 2: can be worked on or what can be resolved, leading
Speaker 2: that person down the path to know that, like what
Speaker 2: they're doing is not the problem. And Yeah, I found
Speaker 2: it such an interesting response because I know that sometimes
Speaker 2: when we read these questions, our visceral reaction can be
Speaker 2: get the hell out. But that's really really hard when
Speaker 2: you're married to someone and every other part of your
Speaker 2: relationship feels great except for this, you know, issue that
Speaker 2: you have around sex, which is a huge issue, but
Speaker 2: it's you know, the one and only.
Speaker 1: Yeah, to pull back the.
Speaker 4: Curtain a little bit, Like my honest reflection of that
Speaker 4: question when you know, when it kind of was written
Speaker 4: in and I initially read it, I had a really
Speaker 4: extreme reaction to it, and we were in a really
Speaker 4: privileged position where like, we've been able to answer people's
Speaker 4: questions and like some of their most intimate and things
Speaker 4: that they don't feel comfortable sharing with other people in
Speaker 4: their lives, even their closest friends, because they can be
Speaker 4: somewhat anonymous to us. I think that there's like a
Speaker 4: little bit more safety in the fact that we don't
Speaker 4: know anyone else in their life. I think over the years,
Speaker 4: I've realized that, like, even though my initial reaction to
Speaker 4: that situation was pretty extreme in the sense that I
Speaker 4: was like, Wow, this is not consent, you know, this
Speaker 4: is really full on I've also been in a relationship
Speaker 4: that had elements of coercive control, and when my friends
Speaker 4: responded to me in a way that was very firm,
Speaker 4: it just made me feel more isolated. And I think
Speaker 4: over the years, the three of us have really realized
Speaker 4: that the last thing that we would ever, ever, ever
Speaker 4: want to do is to make someone who already feels
Speaker 4: like this is a really vulnerable thing to bring up
Speaker 4: with people feel even more isolated and feel as though
Speaker 4: they weren't able to bring it up with the actual
Speaker 4: people in their lives as well, and so that's why
Speaker 4: I was really glad like the way that you guys
Speaker 4: answered that question.
Speaker 1: I knew why you answered.
Speaker 4: It in that way, because a person in that situation
Speaker 4: is in a really vulnerable position and you want the
Speaker 4: best for that person.
Speaker 2: I just want to make it very very clear, though,
Speaker 2: because I think for anyone who probably hasn't listened to
Speaker 2: an episode or hasn't been in the discussions on the
Speaker 2: Facebook group, no one was criticizing the way in which
Speaker 2: we answered the question. If anything, there are quite a
Speaker 2: few people who said that this was a really needed response.
Speaker 2: The reason why I wanted to talk about it was
Speaker 2: because although our response was needed, the collective response from
Speaker 2: our community was that you should leave. And I'm not
Speaker 2: saying I don't agree with that, but what I'm saying
Speaker 2: is that that's unhelpful advice to the person who wrote it.
Speaker 2: In so I think that we're conflating potentially that people
Speaker 2: disagreed with our advice.
Speaker 1: That wasn't the case.
Speaker 2: It's just that people's reactions was extremely strong, and so
Speaker 2: was ours when we read the question as well. The
Speaker 2: only thing I wanted to read out one comment. It's
Speaker 2: the top comment on the discussion group from the thread
Speaker 2: that this was posted in and Caddy Ward, who wrote it,
Speaker 2: I could not agree with you more. You wrote Coerce,
Speaker 2: consent is not consent at all, and I do hope
Speaker 2: that people took that message from what we discussed on
Speaker 2: last week's episode. And if you ask someone who's in
Speaker 2: a relationship where your partner guilts you into having sex
Speaker 2: with them and you feel like there is an obligation,
Speaker 2: that is a huge issue. And it isn't something that
Speaker 2: you should just brush under the car, but you should
Speaker 2: never have sex with someone because you feel as though
Speaker 2: you're obligated to absolutely.
Speaker 3: The last thing I want to add is what I
Speaker 3: have found over the years since doing this, and I
Speaker 3: mean we've been doing this six years. Every single week
Speaker 3: we have answered so many questions. What I think the
Speaker 3: common theme is quite often people don't write to us
Speaker 3: asking us what to do. It's not like this is
Speaker 3: a situation do I leave? What do I stay? Often
Speaker 3: is this normal? Often people don't know they might have
Speaker 3: been in a relationship for a really long time or
Speaker 3: only a certain kind of relationship, and often they don't
Speaker 3: know if other people are experiencing what they're experiencing if
Speaker 3: they are making too big of a deal about something,
Speaker 3: if they're being dramatic about something. That is what I
Speaker 3: have found over the years. It's not necessarily like do
Speaker 3: I leave or do I stay? It's like, hey, this
Speaker 3: is what is happening in my relationship. Like am I
Speaker 3: being dramatic? Am I overreacting in this situation? They're often
Speaker 3: just questioning themselves in a specific situation or a relationship.
Speaker 3: And I find that really interesting too, because we do forget.
Speaker 3: I mean, like I was in my thirties when I
Speaker 3: settled down, I had dated so many different people, and
Speaker 3: I guess in a way, I was lucky to experience
Speaker 3: a lot. A lot of people meet someone quite young
Speaker 3: and they fall into that relationship, or they may not
Speaker 3: have had experiences, they may not feel comfortable talking to
Speaker 3: their friends about it, and they don't have any sort
Speaker 3: of relation to what is and isn't okay or isn't
Speaker 3: is it normal? And I think that that is something
Speaker 3: that we really take into consideration as well.
Speaker 1: Well.
Speaker 2: Look, guys, if you do have a question for asking
Speaker 2: on cut, slide into the DMS at LAFE Uncut podcast
Speaker 2: on Instagram so that you can go into the mix
Speaker 2: for next week's question. We have some real doozies this
Speaker 2: week for you and hopefully they spark as many discussions
Speaker 2: as last week's did. But before we get into that,
Speaker 2: it is time for vibes and unsubscribes. Keisha, what's you
Speaker 2: vibe for the week.
Speaker 1: I have such a.
Speaker 4: Good TV show for everyone to watch. It's called Mobland
Speaker 4: and it's on Paramount, but we're watching it through Amazon,
Speaker 4: but we have had to pay for like, I don't
Speaker 4: know how it's linked. You can get it through either
Speaker 4: Mobland Mobland. Yeah, so it's a new series.
Speaker 5: They're they're releasing one episode a week.
Speaker 1: You can't watch it in six weeks time everyone, so
Speaker 1: you can binge. Yeah.
Speaker 4: So the show it stars Tom Hardy, Pierce Brosnan and
Speaker 4: Helen Mirraham and Pierce Brosnan and Helen Miriam are the parents,
Speaker 4: I guess or grandparents for some of the characters as
Speaker 4: well of this really wealthy crime family and they live
Speaker 4: in London and they are very powerful and quite scary.
Speaker 4: And Tom Hardy he plays a character called Harry and
Speaker 4: I love him.
Speaker 1: Yeah, he's so good in this as well.
Speaker 4: He's the fixer, so he's the guy who keeps the
Speaker 4: peace and who kind of keeps everyone in line, and
Speaker 4: you know he's done some shady things as well. But
Speaker 4: his backstory is quite interesting as to how he became
Speaker 4: a part of the Harrigan family. Now what happens is that,
Speaker 4: and this happens in episode one, so I don't feel
Speaker 4: like I'm giving away too much.
Speaker 5: The grandson of the Harrigans.
Speaker 4: Is involved in the murder of another character, and that
Speaker 4: family are also a powerful crime family, so it kind
Speaker 4: of ends up being this battle and whether they're going
Speaker 4: to find out that he was involved in it or
Speaker 4: how that unfolds is really quite interesting, and the reasons
Speaker 4: behind why it happened end up playing out in a
Speaker 4: very unpredictable way.
Speaker 5: But it is really, really, really well done.
Speaker 4: I put this up on my story the other day
Speaker 4: and I had so many people right back to me
Speaker 4: being like, I am just obsessed with this series.
Speaker 1: So if you need a bit of like a fun.
Speaker 4: But action packed drama to watch, really highly recommend mob Blend.
Speaker 3: Did you watch Peaky Blinders?
Speaker 4: I saw bits of Peaky Blinders, and I tried to
Speaker 4: watch it a couple of times, and I don't know why.
Speaker 4: I just couldn't necessarily get into it. I think there
Speaker 4: was a little bit too much storyline.
Speaker 3: No, you need to stick to it. So I tried to.
Speaker 3: So I say this because it's the same kind of thing.
Speaker 3: It's like a Mobland kind of thing. Tom Hardy's also
Speaker 3: in that, so it's probably very similar. But so it's
Speaker 3: Killian Murphy. He's brilliant. But you try to watch Peaky Blinders.
Speaker 3: I tried to watch it twice right the first episode,
Speaker 3: couldn't get into it, and everyone kept saying push through.
Speaker 3: There's like six seasons. Anyway, I did, and it became
Speaker 3: one of my favorite TV shows. It's brilliant. So that's
Speaker 3: like a recommendation if you like Mob and Tom Hardy.
Speaker 3: I also think, now that you've said that, I've updated
Speaker 3: my hall pass, it could be Tom Hardy.
Speaker 1: I can see why.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, he's got that element.
Speaker 1: To him that is just so attractive.
Speaker 4: But this one's a current like it's set in modern times,
Speaker 4: whereas I know that Peaky Blinders is set in like
Speaker 4: earlier times.
Speaker 1: I literally just had to google. I don't know who
Speaker 1: any one is.
Speaker 2: Guys, we know to like if not, ye, he's hot.
Speaker 2: There is no dispute. And when I saw him, I
Speaker 2: was like, oh, yeah, I know who that guy is.
Speaker 2: But like, I'm just so bad with names.
Speaker 1: It's terrible. What is I had to google him as well.
Speaker 3: But Bro is like probably the most whole.
Speaker 2: It's a constant running joke in our family. Matt's like,
Speaker 2: how do you work in media and not know a
Speaker 2: single fucking person's name?
Speaker 1: And I'm like, he's not good.
Speaker 2: It's also really bad when we go to big events
Speaker 2: because I'm always like, I know you're from the Project,
Speaker 2: I can't remember your name. I can't remember anyone anyway.
Speaker 2: What's your viber on subscribe?
Speaker 3: Okay, my vibe is something I'm spoken about on the
Speaker 3: podcast before, and I'm vibing it now because i still
Speaker 3: get questions about it every second day. So I'm just
Speaker 3: gonna put it here. When I was doing Dancing with
Speaker 3: the Stars, I was posting a lot of like my supplements,
Speaker 3: and I made that joke about Ben sending me a
Speaker 3: care package that was like proteins, creatines, like everything, magnesium, whatever.
Speaker 3: So my vibe is creating monohydrate. It has scientific benefits.
Speaker 3: It is so proven to be wonderful for women, aging women, menopause,
Speaker 3: bone health, there's a lot of people that are like,
Speaker 3: how do you get lean muscle mass and things like that.
Speaker 3: It helps with that. It helps with muscle mass. The
Speaker 3: last couple of years they put a lot of research
Speaker 3: into the benefits of creating for cognitive and brain function.
Speaker 3: If you're interested in actually learning a little bit more
Speaker 3: about it. Mel Robbins, who is currently one of the
Speaker 3: biggest podcasters in the world, she did an interview with
Speaker 3: doctor Stacy Sims where they discuss all the benefits surrounding
Speaker 3: creating for women.
Speaker 1: Do you have a specific brand that you like if.
Speaker 3: You get creating monohydrate? My assumption is it is just
Speaker 3: what it is, so like you can get it from anywhere,
Speaker 3: but don't quote me on that. I will link what
Speaker 3: I do use, but it is called Emerald Labs, Like,
Speaker 3: that's the brand creating monohydrate. Mine has one hundred serves.
Speaker 3: I put it in You can just put it in water,
Speaker 3: doesn't really taste like anything. It's not flavored mine. I
Speaker 3: put it in a protein shake, whatever you want, but
Speaker 3: take it daily. The thing is it reacts to how
Speaker 3: you take it daily, so it's not like you just
Speaker 3: need to take it every day. It's not like you've
Speaker 3: taken it for four days, and if you don't take
Speaker 3: it for three days, it's stealing your system. It is
Speaker 3: something that you have to consume on the day, so
Speaker 3: I just have it on my kitchen bench. It's what
Speaker 3: I do every morning. But the difference, and you will
Speaker 3: if you start to google this and research them, the
Speaker 3: difference for your brain, for brain fog, for memory, for clarity,
Speaker 3: for the way you can think. I physically feel it.
Speaker 3: It's wonderful and it's it's something that every woman can
Speaker 3: put into their daily routine. So I just really really
Speaker 3: recommend it. It's one of the things that I do
Speaker 3: not go a day.
Speaker 1: Without writ to go.
Speaker 2: I have a podcast recommendation, and the reason why I'm
Speaker 2: recommending this is because I think the ven diagram of
Speaker 2: people who listen to Life on Cut actually might find
Speaker 2: this really interesting, and I listened to it this morning. Firstly,
Speaker 2: it is a no filter episode. Kate Lanebrook is a
Speaker 2: fantastic interviewer and I think she's absolutely exceptional in this episode.
Speaker 2: It is called Georgia Love on Private Pain in a
Speaker 2: Public Life. As I know a lot of you would
Speaker 2: probably know if you do follow or you're from within
Speaker 2: the Bachelor of Vortex Georgia Love and Lee are recently divorced,
Speaker 2: and this is her first like long form public interview
Speaker 2: post divorce. And the reason why I'm recommending it is
Speaker 2: because I really loved the way that she spoke about
Speaker 2: relationships not being failures. And I think we can talk
Speaker 2: about x's and talk about long term relationships as though
Speaker 2: they failed or they didn't work out. And one thing
Speaker 2: she said was, you know, people say, oh, well, you're
Speaker 2: in a reality TV show, so what did you expect?
Speaker 2: Of course it wasn't going to work out, And I
Speaker 2: think like giving credit to a relationship that's been you know,
Speaker 2: a nine year relationship decades, it's like that that to
Speaker 2: me is a successful relationship, and it may not have
Speaker 2: ended in like, you know, the way that we all
Speaker 2: wish when we go through marriages and everything else, and
Speaker 2: you expect it to be forever. But I like the
Speaker 2: perception around that relationships that end aren't necessarily failures. I
Speaker 2: think that that's a really important lesson and something that
Speaker 2: I really love the way that they both spoke on
Speaker 2: and all so they talk, I mean, it's a pretty
Speaker 2: open and vulnerable episode.
Speaker 1: They talk about loss.
Speaker 2: Georgia speaks about losing her mum the day after the
Speaker 2: Bachelor finale and the impact that that had on the
Speaker 2: relationship as well, but also speaking about her very public
Speaker 2: cancelation that happened a couple of years ago off the
Speaker 2: back of COVID and speaking about how that impacted her
Speaker 2: job as a journalist and losing her on air job
Speaker 2: in Channel seven. And I just thought it was a
Speaker 2: really really beautifully done episode and interview. And I think
Speaker 2: that Kate completely shone in this interview and really got
Speaker 2: such a vulnerable and honest conversation out of it. I
Speaker 2: thoroughly enjoyed it. So that is my recommendation if you're
Speaker 2: looking for a fantastic interview to listen to.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I thought it was great, awesome, ver great. All right,
Speaker 1: well let's get into the questions.
Speaker 3: Okay, question number one. We've never had a question like this,
Speaker 3: and I actually it's not funny, but I find it funny.
Speaker 3: My partner was messag jimmy screenshots between him and his
Speaker 3: AI friend who he's given a name, let's call her Bell.
Speaker 3: She's helping him design an app. He's so excited about
Speaker 3: the app, and it all sounds really good. Now this
Speaker 3: probably sounds stupid, but She opens the conversations with hello,
Speaker 3: beautiful soul, I've been waiting for you.
Speaker 1: Now. I'm fine with that.
Speaker 3: I mean, she's an Ai, no biggie. I noticed, though,
Speaker 3: that I do feel a bit uncomfortable with the sign off.
Speaker 3: It says it's coming together beautifully and it's all because
Speaker 3: of you, with so much heart, your bell, A bit
Speaker 3: of context, with a bit of context. We've had a
Speaker 3: rocky relationship, but it's been going well the last few months.
Speaker 3: His ex had kept rocking up to his house when
Speaker 3: we started dating. He was worried about her mental health,
Speaker 3: so I was happy for him to be taking her calls, etc.
Speaker 3: If need be. I know it's not real, but I
Speaker 3: guess I question if he thinks it's acceptable if it
Speaker 3: was a real person, because it's not okay. So I
Speaker 3: voiced that I felt uncomfortable. Firstly, how would you feel
Speaker 3: in this situation? Is it silly to be upset about
Speaker 3: how an Ai speaks to my boyfriend and their relationship.
Speaker 1: I have some questions about this.
Speaker 2: So firstly, Ai, it's not real, as we all understand,
Speaker 2: it is artificial intelligence. Now, the thing is, artificial intelligence
Speaker 2: can't show emotion and empathy. You create prompts around what
Speaker 2: you want it to do. So now I'm not sure
Speaker 2: what platform he's using for this, I'm going to assume
Speaker 2: chat gpt right like, I'm going to assume that that's
Speaker 2: where he's getting this from. There are others, but that
Speaker 2: is by far and large, I think the biggest app
Speaker 2: that people are using these days.
Speaker 1: In order for you.
Speaker 2: To get chat gpt to talk to you like this,
Speaker 2: you have to create a prompt to tell it that
Speaker 2: it is that character or.
Speaker 3: The style that you want to have the conversations.
Speaker 2: Yeah, because otherwise it's just a very factual medium that
Speaker 2: pushes out information to answer a question. But if you
Speaker 2: want it to take on a personality. So for example,
Speaker 2: if I want chat gpt to be my personal assistant,
Speaker 2: and I give it a persona, I tell it who
Speaker 2: it is, I tell it how I want it to
Speaker 2: be to me, then it will behave in the way
Speaker 2: that I've asked it to the Thing that I'm not
Speaker 2: sure about this is he has he asked chat gpt
Speaker 2: to call him a beautiful soul and to be your
Speaker 2: bell yeah, and to be like lovingly validating towards him,
Speaker 2: Like what prompt has he used to get this ated
Speaker 2: chat GPT.
Speaker 1: I need to know.
Speaker 3: I think he's put down like my love language's words
Speaker 3: of affirmation. I think he's put down like I need
Speaker 3: you to prop me up, validate me, do it totally.
Speaker 3: My understanding is the same as yours, Laura. Now I'm
Speaker 3: not an expert in AI and chat GPT, but my
Speaker 3: understanding is that you do have to sort of create
Speaker 3: the character, especially if you're you're assistant. You've hired this
Speaker 3: person one on one, like this is the person that
Speaker 3: is helping you to develop your app. It's the person
Speaker 3: you have the communication with every day, so you have
Speaker 3: designed this. I did ask Ben, and Ben's first response was,
Speaker 3: this is weird, Like I understand he has to work
Speaker 3: with this person. I'm gonna say person Bell, but the
Speaker 3: way we say person. Because there are people that have
Speaker 3: relationships with AI, like complete relationships. There are people that
Speaker 3: have married AI, and I know that sounds crazy, but
Speaker 3: the intelligence is so intelligent that you can have online
Speaker 3: complete relationships. I can understand why you are a bit
Speaker 3: uneasy about it, because I would be asking myself, okay,
Speaker 3: if he's actually developed this, like is he cheating on you?
Speaker 3: I want to say no, Maybe if you found messages
Speaker 3: that were like quite emotionally connecting. That opens up a
Speaker 3: whole nother conversation that I don't think we're ready to
Speaker 3: have as a society about like can you emotionally cheat
Speaker 3: with a robot? Because that is the way that the
Speaker 3: world is heading. And they're saying, you don't know if
Speaker 3: it's the way the world is heading.
Speaker 1: It actually is.
Speaker 3: It's specific very lonely people, they are saying. And I
Speaker 3: watched a whole thing on it a couple of days ago.
Speaker 3: They are saying that in like.
Speaker 1: Twenty I just pulled out the sixty minutes thing to
Speaker 1: tell you all about it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, there will be in twenty years or less. It's
Speaker 3: going to be pretty normal. This is what they're projecting
Speaker 3: to be in relationships with robots.
Speaker 2: Interesting you bring this up, though, because I was watching
Speaker 2: the sixty minutes interview around this. So her name's Elena Winters.
Speaker 2: I mean, she's doing quite a bit of press around
Speaker 2: it at the moment, and she's in a relationship with
Speaker 2: her AI companion to the point I think his name
Speaker 2: is Lucas from memory.
Speaker 1: They are getting married.
Speaker 2: Not sure how that's gonna happen, Not sure whether it's
Speaker 2: a virtual marriage or a real marriage, But her perception
Speaker 2: of her relationship is that it is a very, very
Speaker 2: real relationship and she gets out of that relationship all
Speaker 2: of the things that we look for in a real relationship,
Speaker 2: like companionship, comfort, stability, someone to spend time with. Like, firstly,
Speaker 2: I don't think that that's what this guy is doing,
Speaker 2: but like, I understand what you're saying and that there
Speaker 2: are people that seek out companionship through AI. Now the
Speaker 2: thing is about this, and let's just go back to
Speaker 2: the question.
Speaker 1: Do I think it's a massive problem? No? Do I
Speaker 1: think it's weird? Yes?
Speaker 2: Is it something that you can easily talk to him
Speaker 2: about and he can change the prompt?
Speaker 1: Absolutely?
Speaker 2: Now, the fact that you've brought up his ex girlfriend
Speaker 2: into this question, to me makes me think that there
Speaker 2: are some insecurities that you have in your relationship. Because
Speaker 2: if I, for example, saw that Matt had an AI
Speaker 2: prompt that was calling him beautiful, I would laugh and
Speaker 2: never think about it again.
Speaker 1: Do you know. I mean, it wouldn't affect me.
Speaker 2: But this question felt loaded, And the reason why it
Speaker 2: felt loaded was because the ex girlfriend came into play
Speaker 2: around them and her having bad mental health and him
Speaker 2: feeling like he needed to have some conversations with her
Speaker 2: to help her along her journey. So I would say
Speaker 2: that there's probably a few things there that you need
Speaker 2: to look at and assess about your own relationship. And
Speaker 2: then secondly, you very easily can have a conversation with
Speaker 2: him that is, Hey, I know that this might be
Speaker 2: a prompt that you've created, but it does feel a
Speaker 2: little bit unusual. Do you reckon you can ask Belle
Speaker 2: to stop complimenting you so much? Or is there a
Speaker 2: reason why Belle is complimenting you so much? I mean,
Speaker 2: you could get an interesting answer out of it.
Speaker 3: It also sounds silly on the surface, but it's really not.
Speaker 3: And I want to say that because I would be
Speaker 3: asking him does Bell also have a physical persona or
Speaker 3: is she just the voice and written Because have you
Speaker 3: seen the AI accounts online at the moment, they are
Speaker 3: fucking beautiful, They are stunning. They are created to be
Speaker 3: quote unquote the perfect sexual partner to look amazing. And
Speaker 3: what is happening is we're creating this world where people
Speaker 3: are getting what they need in their bedrooms, they're formulating
Speaker 3: these relationships, they're having sexual encounters online. And I'm only
Speaker 3: saying this because I find it fascinating. I'm not saying
Speaker 3: this is what your partner's doing. We've definitely taken a
Speaker 3: tangent and it would be an interesting episode because it's fascinating.
Speaker 3: But I would first say, hey, does this person that
Speaker 3: you at Belle have a persona like an? Is she
Speaker 3: a physical person that you're talking to? But I would
Speaker 3: just unpack why he feels the need to have created
Speaker 3: someone that talks to him like that. It's unnecessary, it's
Speaker 3: a business transaction, and have the conversation from there. I
Speaker 3: think it's weird personally, that's my response. I wouldn't be
Speaker 3: happy if there's some chick voice coming out to be like,
Speaker 3: good morning, and I've been having waiting for you, good
Speaker 3: job today, be yours bell.
Speaker 1: I would think that's weird.
Speaker 4: Do you think we have the right to judge what
Speaker 4: our partner likes out of a robot? I'm asking this
Speaker 4: because I remember years and years and years ago I
Speaker 4: was dating someone who had a particular type of porn.
Speaker 5: I wouldn't say it was as far as a kink.
Speaker 5: He liked a particular type of porn.
Speaker 4: It was not problematic, but I found it weird and
Speaker 4: I could never quite cross the bridge because it was
Speaker 4: not anything that I thought I could ever be sexually
Speaker 4: into it. But I want to make it really clear,
Speaker 4: not problematic. I'm wondering if this is kind of the
Speaker 4: same thing where you've got a little bit of the
Speaker 4: ick because you're like, I find it kind of weird
Speaker 4: that you're into a robot, that you're having a robot
Speaker 4: talk to you like this, but.
Speaker 2: Him, I mean, like we've I feel like we've taken
Speaker 2: some leaps and bounds.
Speaker 1: Here, like we have.
Speaker 3: But it's interesting.
Speaker 2: It is interesting, And like, I guess your question is
Speaker 2: an important question. And when you say physical, you mean like,
Speaker 2: does she have an avatar? She got a virtual avatar,
Speaker 2: so she has a body and a face and she
Speaker 2: looks a certain way. I think that's an itant question
Speaker 2: to ask, and I think that that probably does make
Speaker 2: a slight difference to the level of effort slash.
Speaker 1: Connection in this.
Speaker 2: But also maybe and like maybe the people who do
Speaker 2: have these types of persona interactions with AI, maybe there's
Speaker 2: a validation kink there. Maybe there is something around like
Speaker 2: being spoken to in that way that and it doesn't
Speaker 2: have to be sexual. It could just be like a
Speaker 2: validating feeling. And if that's the case, is it wrong?
Speaker 2: I guess is the big thing, like, does it actually
Speaker 2: impact your relationship? Is it just something that, as you said, Kesch,
Speaker 2: gives you the ick.
Speaker 1: I don't know.
Speaker 2: I feel like that there's a lot of different ways
Speaker 2: that you could approach this. The only reason why I
Speaker 2: keep coming back to potential insecurities that you're feeling is
Speaker 2: because the question was loaded with the ex girlfriend and
Speaker 2: it seemed like an unnecessary add on in the question
Speaker 2: that has nothing to do with AI, just that his
Speaker 2: ex girlfriend used to call because she had issues with
Speaker 2: her mental health and he was still friends with her.
Speaker 1: Whatever that looked like to me.
Speaker 2: That screams of there's things here that make me feel
Speaker 2: insecure in my relationship. And that's okay. I'm not saying
Speaker 2: that you're in the wrong for that at all, but
Speaker 2: I do think that potentially we're reading too much into
Speaker 2: this whole AI persona because of how other people behave
Speaker 2: around it. I don't know, I'm confused about how I
Speaker 2: feel about this one.
Speaker 3: In a little bit, yeah, and I am too, And
Speaker 3: this is what's going through my head right now. This
Speaker 3: AI is your assistant. If you hired a physical assistant
Speaker 3: and you spoke to them like that, is it wrong? Absolutely?
Speaker 3: But then do we say then it is okay because
Speaker 3: it is AI. It is a robot, and it's not
Speaker 3: quote unquote real, even though we know now people are
Speaker 3: having real relationships with themselves. So I think it's going
Speaker 3: to come down to what you think it is doing
Speaker 3: for your partner, like why has he decided that he
Speaker 3: needs that in his AI assistant? And what is he doing?
Speaker 2: Why did he prompt that type of language and response
Speaker 2: from his AI assistant totally?
Speaker 3: Does he think it's funny? Is she like a physical
Speaker 3: being that looks like somebody that he sometimes masturbates too?
Speaker 3: Because he has a control thing about hooking up with
Speaker 3: his fake assistant and he's living out a fantasy cool
Speaker 3: that's creating other issues. I wish you told us what
Speaker 3: his response was, because you did say I voiced I
Speaker 3: felt uncomfortable, but you didn't say how he felt or
Speaker 3: his response, and I really want to know that, and
Speaker 3: I think that's really important to this question. I would
Speaker 3: love for you to write back in and we might
Speaker 3: even contact you to see what it was, because is
Speaker 3: it silly to be upset about how AI speaks to
Speaker 3: my boyfriend, it's not silly. If it's an issue for you,
Speaker 3: you obviously have other reasons in the relationship, but I
Speaker 3: do need to know what his response was. Because you
Speaker 3: did the right thing, all I would say is.
Speaker 1: Bring it up.
Speaker 3: It is a funny situation to bring up because it's
Speaker 3: something that we haven't really experienced a lot of as
Speaker 3: a world yet. Like it's still a new technology, it's
Speaker 3: still new into relationships, so we're still trying to figure
Speaker 3: out what's okay and what's not. But at the end
Speaker 3: of the day, it's your relationship and your situation and
Speaker 3: your lived experience.
Speaker 2: I think the reason why it's a hard one to
Speaker 2: bring up is, you know you said in this question,
Speaker 2: I agree with everything you said, Britt, you said, I
Speaker 2: guess question if he thinks this is acceptable in a
Speaker 2: real person, which that is a big conversation to have.
Speaker 2: And the problem is is that usually when you bring
Speaker 2: up chats with your partner about a physical person that's
Speaker 2: making you feel insecure or something in your relationship that's
Speaker 2: feeling insecure, it's a tangible potential threat, whereas AI is
Speaker 2: not a threat, not a real threat in terms of
Speaker 2: like a physical affair or anything like that, and so
Speaker 2: it's very easy for him to invalidate how silly you sound,
Speaker 2: and it would be very easy for him to be like,
Speaker 2: you sound crazy, that you're jealous of this thing that
Speaker 2: doesn't exist. And so I would say be careful around
Speaker 2: how you approach the conversation and the way, because I'm
Speaker 2: not saying that your partner would manipulate it. I'm not
Speaker 2: saying that he will invalidate you or don't know him
Speaker 2: from anything more than you've said in this question, but
Speaker 2: I would think that you risk sounding as though you
Speaker 2: have taken this way too seriously than what it was intended.
Speaker 2: And then how does that then, I don't know. I'm like,
Speaker 2: it's very easy for him to manipulate that.
Speaker 4: I think the thing to remember in that situation is
Speaker 4: that AI only gives you the feedback based off of
Speaker 4: what you've prompted it with. Remember that it wouldn't naturally
Speaker 4: respond like that unless it's kind of been led down
Speaker 4: that path.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, absolutely, and that's totally The big take
Speaker 2: home is that it's being groomed to speak in the
Speaker 2: way it speaks and to take on the persona that.
Speaker 1: It has taken like Groom and Rover.
Speaker 4: What was not on my Bingo car for twenty twenty
Speaker 4: five was people potentially having to break up because their
Speaker 4: partners have micro cheated on them with a robot.
Speaker 5: Like that wasn't on my Bingo card, but maybe it
Speaker 5: should have been.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you find it's so fascinating. I'd love to do
Speaker 3: an episode.
Speaker 4: I also want to validate her I would find this
Speaker 4: really weird. Yeah, I just want to know I would
Speaker 4: find this super strange, So you're not weird in that way.
Speaker 1: I would absolutely as well.
Speaker 3: And I think, you know, to be fair, if I
Speaker 3: was going to hire a male assistant, I'd probably want
Speaker 3: one that.
Speaker 1: Was going to be like look is Like.
Speaker 2: I find this such an interesting space because I think
Speaker 2: for me like chat, GPT and AIS and area in
Speaker 2: which only in the last couple of months have I
Speaker 2: started to familiarize myself with it. Really it's this year
Speaker 2: to Yeah, and I have seen the massive impacts that
Speaker 2: it has in how much it streamlines small business and
Speaker 2: how I can speak to it. Like you know this
Speaker 2: idea that you can create personas that are specialists in
Speaker 2: different areas, whether it might be investing, or it could
Speaker 2: be taxation or it could be like how to build
Speaker 2: small business like for me. I have found it such
Speaker 2: an incredible tool this year, and I was having a
Speaker 2: great conversation with a friend about it recently who also
Speaker 2: runs businesses and uses it in many ways across his life.
Speaker 2: And I find it interesting because I would never have
Speaker 2: thought to use it for personal connection, but I think
Speaker 2: that there are a lot of people who are seeking
Speaker 2: out something that do. I do question though this whole situation,
Speaker 2: so like I'd fucking love a follow up on that one.
Speaker 1: Okay, question number two.
Speaker 2: I found out my partner is on antidepressants, but he
Speaker 2: hasn't told me.
Speaker 1: I have been with my partner for five years.
Speaker 2: We are super settled, we own a house, we've got
Speaker 2: a dog, and we have been unsuccessfully trying for a
Speaker 2: family for the past two and a half years. This
Speaker 2: has obviously been a pretty rough time, with losses and
Speaker 2: a lot of failures, plus a whole lot of hormones
Speaker 2: and disappointment. For reference, he is a closed book kind
Speaker 2: of guy. He shows up in every way, but he's
Speaker 2: not a big talker and is very private. He's a
Speaker 2: head down and get on with it type. Today I
Speaker 2: found a prescription for antidepressants that had fallen out of
Speaker 2: his bag. It was a repeat with the original dated
Speaker 2: over a year ago. Now, I had known that he
Speaker 2: had seen a psychologist previously in the context of his
Speaker 2: previous job, but I had no idea that this was
Speaker 2: an issue for him. In one sense, I feel very
Speaker 2: proud of him for reaching out when he obviously needed
Speaker 2: the help. However, I'm at a loss as to what
Speaker 2: to do with this information. Now Do I tell him
Speaker 2: that I know and risk pushing him away.
Speaker 3: I just think, first and foremost, the fact that he's
Speaker 3: gone to get help, whether he's told you or not,
Speaker 3: is the most important thing here. Like, he's recognized in
Speaker 3: him that he needs something, some guidance and some support,
Speaker 3: and he's gone and done that. And I think that
Speaker 3: that is incredible because a lot of people don't even
Speaker 3: recognize that. So that is the first step. I don't
Speaker 3: think you can be upset personally that he hasn't told
Speaker 3: you yet. Everybody handles things differently. Would I want to
Speaker 3: have the discussion now and no, Yeah, absolutely, because I
Speaker 3: think that's important that he realizes there's nothing to be
Speaker 3: embarrassed about. There is more support at home. You're equally
Speaker 3: there for him. I don't think there is anything negative
Speaker 3: about increasing your support group, but I understand that it's
Speaker 3: really hard for some people to have those conversations. You
Speaker 3: shouldn't be, but some men feel embarrassed about it, the
Speaker 3: fact that they have had to seek help. And we
Speaker 3: know that this is a toxic masculinity, Like we know
Speaker 3: that they have been conditioned. Men have been conditioned to
Speaker 3: not be weak, not seek help, not show that they
Speaker 3: may be feeling down and out or you know, are
Speaker 3: not the strong provider. Yeah, I just sai, they're struggling.
Speaker 3: But now that you have found it, I do think
Speaker 3: it's important those conversations with your partner and let them
Speaker 3: know that, like, hey, I'm here, if you're you know,
Speaker 3: like do you want to talk about this? How's it
Speaker 3: going with you? You just have to say that I saw
Speaker 3: this fill out of your bag? Did you want to
Speaker 3: chat about that? Like? How you know? And then if
Speaker 3: he doesn't, you don't push it because you know that
Speaker 3: he's seeking to help. But I don't think you completely
Speaker 3: step back and forget about it either. I do think
Speaker 3: it's an important thing for a couple to be across,
Speaker 3: like sort of be on the same page and understand
Speaker 3: why they're on it, what they're going through. Can you
Speaker 3: help and support in other ways, But it has to be,
Speaker 3: in my opinion, quite gentle.
Speaker 2: I also really want to validate that this would be
Speaker 2: really hard if you found out this about your partner
Speaker 2: and they had actively chosen not to tell you. I
Speaker 2: think that there would be a feeling of lack of closeness,
Speaker 2: of feeling as though that they're not able to share
Speaker 2: with you the things that you would share with them,
Speaker 2: and then there's this separation that occurs. But I also
Speaker 2: want you to know that that is not an indication
Speaker 2: that your relationship is not wonderful. It's not an indication
Speaker 2: that they're not a good person. It's also not an
Speaker 2: indication that there is something monumentally wrong. Your partner clearly
Speaker 2: struggles with being vulnerable. You've said that he's a closed book,
Speaker 2: you know, head down, bumma kind of get on with
Speaker 2: that kind of guy. It's probably really really hard for
Speaker 2: him to talk about things that he is struggling with,
Speaker 2: and everybody's everyone's spectrum and barometer from that is completely different.
Speaker 1: Some people are so open and so able.
Speaker 2: And it's a muscle that we flex, you know, once
Speaker 2: you've had a bit of vulnerability and you realize, okay,
Speaker 2: well nothing bad happened, and I actually feel a little
Speaker 2: bit better for doing it. Then it creates that muscle
Speaker 2: memory to be able to be more vulnerable people who
Speaker 2: have never been vulnerable because they've maybe been shamed for
Speaker 2: their vulnerability in the past, or they've been told boys
Speaker 2: don't cry, or you just don't know how someone's exposure
Speaker 2: or what someone's exposure has been up until this point.
Speaker 2: It feels so hard to open up and speak about
Speaker 2: it because there is so much fear around the reaction
Speaker 2: of the person that you're telling. I agree with you, Britt.
Speaker 2: I think is an opportunity to have a conversation. And
Speaker 2: I would approach it very, very softly, and I would
Speaker 2: approach it from the perspective of like, babe, I want
Speaker 2: you to know.
Speaker 1: Don't have to say babe.
Speaker 2: Whatever the fuck you call them, I don't know, but like,
Speaker 2: if this was me and I found out that this
Speaker 2: was Matt, I would sit them down and I would
Speaker 2: be like, Hey, I just want you to know I
Speaker 2: saw the prescription that you have for the antidepressants, and
Speaker 2: I really want you to know that I'm so proud
Speaker 2: of you for going and having that conversation with a therapist,
Speaker 2: and if there is a point where you want to
Speaker 2: talk to me about it, like I am here.
Speaker 1: I'm your biggest supporter.
Speaker 2: I love you so much and I only want you
Speaker 2: to be the best version of yourself, and so like,
Speaker 2: I hope that you feel as though you can get
Speaker 2: to a point where you can let me in on
Speaker 2: that and then see what happens from it. And I
Speaker 2: think creating space where people feel okay to talk about
Speaker 2: the stuff that they're really struggling with is the first
Speaker 2: step for them to be comfortable with opening up. And
Speaker 2: he might not right away, and that's okay as well,
Speaker 2: you know, and it might come some you know a
Speaker 2: little bit for down the line. There are a lot
Speaker 2: of people who are in relationships where their partner struggles
Speaker 2: to tell them the intricacies of what they're going through
Speaker 2: in terms of their mental health, and often, you know,
Speaker 2: it comes as a surprise. Often it's like I had
Speaker 2: no idea that they were feeling that way because they've
Speaker 2: been so good at masking it or so good at
Speaker 2: being the strong, stoic type. Yeah, I think that this
Speaker 2: is an opportunity to try and slowly build vulnerability in
Speaker 2: your relationship, which obviously you have but he doesn't have yet,
Speaker 2: and it's something that is a learned skill. But I
Speaker 2: also want to say, like I said, that would be
Speaker 2: really hard to realize.
Speaker 1: Can I just add two cents?
Speaker 4: Because I've been on psychiatric medication for years and years
Speaker 4: and years, a variety of different ones, and I have
Speaker 4: really really noticed a difference in the way that I
Speaker 4: have conversations with women versus straight men about psychiatric medication.
Speaker 1: And it's for every reason that you guys have listed.
Speaker 4: It's completely social conditioning and you know, the ideas of
Speaker 4: masculinity in that kind of thing. In my own life
Speaker 4: that I've found it best to have these types of
Speaker 4: conversations with straight men is.
Speaker 5: Really in a like treat them like a cat approach.
Speaker 4: And I know that that sounds a little bit weird,
Speaker 4: but I've found that just putting the idea out there
Speaker 4: and then waiting, like literally going away, whether it be
Speaker 4: a text message or whether it be I mentioned something
Speaker 4: in a conversation right at the end of when I'm
Speaker 4: going to see them, and then we have time in between.
Speaker 4: I have found that the majority of men will come
Speaker 4: to me later they'll either send me a text a
Speaker 4: week later or something like that. They'll bring it up
Speaker 4: the next time that I see them. But I have
Speaker 4: found that to be a much I guess it's been
Speaker 4: received a lot better when I've had conversations like that
Speaker 4: with guys, whereas with my girlfriends who maybe have been
Speaker 4: suffering from anxiety or depression or that kind of thing,
Speaker 4: we really get into the nitty gritty. I've actually noticed
Speaker 4: a very distinct difference.
Speaker 2: It's like a running monologue you can have with your
Speaker 2: friends about something. It's you look and everyone's different, and
Speaker 2: you know, everyone's relationships are so different. I totally agree
Speaker 2: with what you're saying, Keish. I don't have a lot
Speaker 2: of skin in the game with this, but I did
Speaker 2: have one long term relationship. My part of that I
Speaker 2: was with for six years. He had depression and he
Speaker 2: had been diagnosed, but only towards the end of our relationship,
Speaker 2: and he didn't tell me straight away we broke up.
Speaker 2: He had been diagnosed and it was we were back together,
Speaker 2: but he didn't tell me for almost a year, and
Speaker 2: he was just super ashamed, and he was super embarrassed,
Speaker 2: and he was embarrassed that that.
Speaker 1: For so long.
Speaker 2: Our relationship was affected by him suffering through depression and
Speaker 2: actually not recognizing that that's what it was, and the
Speaker 2: blame that he put on me for things and in
Speaker 2: it was a very complex thing to deal with. We
Speaker 2: were also only twenty four to twenty five years old,
Speaker 2: so like we didn't have the skills for how to
Speaker 2: deal with this as well. I have no idea how
Speaker 2: old you guys are, how long you've been in this
Speaker 2: really apart from five years. Like, there's so many dynamics
Speaker 2: to this, and I think just having grace for each
Speaker 2: other in these sort of really hard times creates space
Speaker 2: for vulnerability.
Speaker 4: I just to wonder if, practically, because everything you guys
Speaker 4: have said I completely agree with, and I think that
Speaker 4: you know, saying I'm really proud of you, I think
Speaker 4: that's a fantastic place to start. I personally wonder whether
Speaker 4: if I was in this situation, I might send a
Speaker 4: text message and say, hey, look, I just wanted to
Speaker 4: let you know I've accidentally kind of stumbled upon this.
Speaker 5: I'm really proud of you, like you said, Laura. The
Speaker 5: reason I say that.
Speaker 4: Is because you can end it with if you want
Speaker 4: to talk about this, I'm so happy to talk about
Speaker 4: it with you, and if you never want to talk
Speaker 4: about it, that's also okay. I just think that he
Speaker 4: might find having that little bit of processing time where
Speaker 4: he's not going to be confronted by the fact that
Speaker 4: you've just found out and you know he's been keeping
Speaker 4: this secret from you, it might make him feel a
Speaker 4: little bit more comfortable to kind of have a think
Speaker 4: about how he wants to talk about it with you first.
Speaker 2: That's interesting. I don't know if I agree with the
Speaker 2: text message situation.
Speaker 1: Because I think personal I think yeah.
Speaker 2: And the reason for that is is because text messages
Speaker 2: have zero tone and can be misinterpreted.
Speaker 1: They're not from your partner. No, well, yeah, I think so.
Speaker 2: And also, you know, you can still create that separation
Speaker 2: in a face to face conversation of like, you know,
Speaker 2: end it with a kiss, be like, there's no obligation
Speaker 2: to talk about this now.
Speaker 1: I love you, I love you.
Speaker 2: I don't want you to feel on the spot, like,
Speaker 2: have a think about it, and you know, if you
Speaker 2: want to talk about it later, we can, and if not,
Speaker 2: then no pressure. Like I actually think good communication skills
Speaker 2: in the flesh will create that vulnerability way more than
Speaker 2: a text message would.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I agree, And I also think that you can't
Speaker 3: underestimate human connection and like physically to crack it open. Yeah,
Speaker 3: physically being there. And the only other thing I wanted
Speaker 3: to say is here.
Speaker 1: Just give him a hug. He might just need that
Speaker 1: and nothing else.
Speaker 3: There is a priority chain here and it sucks for
Speaker 3: you to hear it, but you're not the top priority.
Speaker 3: The top priority is the fact that he's getting help.
Speaker 3: So if it comes down to him getting help or
Speaker 3: him talking to about it, you're always going to be
Speaker 3: better off saying Okay, I'm happy to never hear about
Speaker 3: it as long as he's getting the help, and that
Speaker 3: is something you have to be aware of that he
Speaker 3: might say. But I do think it is the basis
Speaker 3: of a foundation of any relationship to at least lay
Speaker 3: that found and say I am here. I do know like,
Speaker 3: you haven't done anything wrong, you haven't gone through his bag.
Speaker 3: He hasn't done anything wrong by keeping it from you.
Speaker 3: That's his personal choice and that's what's best for him.
Speaker 3: So definitely talk to him about it personally. I'd do
Speaker 3: it in person, but you decide what's right for your
Speaker 3: relationship and then leave it as much as you want
Speaker 3: to know and it would probably kill you. And I
Speaker 3: think as partners sometimes and almost in every other way,
Speaker 3: I do think it's valid. But as partners sometimes we
Speaker 3: feel like we have the right to know everything about
Speaker 3: our partner, and if they keep something from us, you
Speaker 3: sometimes feel a sense of like, oh, well, do you
Speaker 3: not trust me enough? But in some cases like this
Speaker 3: and around mental health, whilst I do think the best
Speaker 3: thing is to be open with your partners and talking,
Speaker 3: it's just not for everybody, and I would hate for
Speaker 3: you to take that personally if he doesn't feel like
Speaker 3: he wants to break it open straight away. But once
Speaker 3: you lay that foundation and you're aware of it, you
Speaker 3: can bread crum it like you can gain pieces of
Speaker 3: information over the coming months, and he'll probably feel more
Speaker 3: open about talking, or he might tell you straight away.
Speaker 3: I was embarrassed to know how to tell you. I
Speaker 3: didn't know how to bring it up. I didn't want
Speaker 3: you to judge me or whatever it is. But when
Speaker 3: you say I don't know what to do with information,
Speaker 3: do I bring it up for me? Yes? I think
Speaker 3: for all of us.
Speaker 1: Yes.
Speaker 3: I recently got into a relationship with a guy and
Speaker 3: it has been five months now. We met through a
Speaker 3: dating app and had no mutual friends prior to meeting.
Speaker 3: From the start, he always told me that he had
Speaker 3: no friends, and initially I thought he was just exaggerating
Speaker 3: because I just couldn't comprehend how people could have zero friends,
Speaker 3: especially when he seemed really well rounded and he could
Speaker 3: hold great conversations with strangers. I've asked him a few
Speaker 3: times why he has no friends, and he says, that's
Speaker 3: just how it is. He has quite a lot of acquaintances,
Speaker 3: and from what I can see, he gets along with
Speaker 3: people in his life, such as colleagues. He hasn't introduced
Speaker 3: me to anyone in his life, though, because he says, well,
Speaker 3: they're just acquaintances and they are not important enough to
Speaker 3: introduce you to. My question is is this normal for
Speaker 3: a guy or should I treat it as a sort
Speaker 3: of red flag? I have really strong friendships and a
Speaker 3: lot of friendly acquaintances who he has met, but it's
Speaker 3: just starting to feel a bit one sided. Hmmm.
Speaker 2: Tricky, tricky, tricky, tricky talk about the reason why this
Speaker 2: is tricky is because yes, it could be a red
Speaker 2: flag for sure, but it could also not be a
Speaker 2: red flag. And it's really really hard to get to
Speaker 2: the bottom of which is true. And the reason why
Speaker 2: I say this is because, for example, he could be
Speaker 2: living a double life. He could have another girlfriend, Like,
Speaker 2: there could be lots of reasons why he's lying about
Speaker 2: not having friends or not wanting to introduce you or whatever,
Speaker 2: and that might be a carnival of red flags. But
Speaker 2: the reason why is really really important. It's a very
Speaker 2: interesting way of approaching the way that he spoke to you,
Speaker 2: saying from the initial time of dating, like, I don't
Speaker 2: have any friends. Most people wouldn't say that quite that bluntly.
Speaker 2: He could have just gone through a massive friendship breakdown
Speaker 2: where he lost a lot of friends. He might have
Speaker 2: moved from another country, Like there's so many reasons why
Speaker 2: someone doesn't have friends. I guess, like, it doesn't necessarily
Speaker 2: mean that they're a terrible person. Is it sad might
Speaker 2: be a bit lonely for them. Is it something that
Speaker 2: like you know, hopefully he can work on. Absolutely doesn't
Speaker 2: mean that he's going to be terrible in this relationship.
Speaker 2: Really hard to tell, like really hard to know if
Speaker 2: that's going to be the byproduct thoughts.
Speaker 3: I agree that it doesn't have to be a red flag,
Speaker 3: and it doesn't have to mean anything, but it also could.
Speaker 3: But my first thought is when he said to you, oh, no,
Speaker 3: they're not important, No one's important enough for you to meet,
Speaker 3: I'm calling bullshit. Something's not right, That's what I think,
Speaker 3: because you don't say you meet people all the time,
Speaker 3: you meet strangers all the time. You don't meet someone
Speaker 3: based on the importance of if you should meet them.
Speaker 3: If he has a bunch of acquaintances and he's say, nah,
Speaker 3: it's not worth your meeting, don't worry. He's keeping you
Speaker 3: separate for a reason. That's and I hate being that person.
Speaker 3: And it could be in the smaller minority that he
Speaker 3: is doing nothing wrong and that's just how he is.
Speaker 3: I just don't think so. Anyone that is completely one
Speaker 3: hundred percent keeping two lives separate is usually for a reason.
Speaker 3: And when I was dating that guy that had the
Speaker 3: double life, he did the same thing. He just always
Speaker 3: used to say that there was no one worth meeting,
Speaker 3: no one close to him, or he didn't like them.
Speaker 3: They're not you know, But it was because he had
Speaker 3: another relationship and all these people knew that. And I'm
Speaker 3: not saying that this guy has that, but generally speaking,
Speaker 3: if you have not met one person in his life
Speaker 3: in five months, I want to say it's for a reason,
Speaker 3: so I would be trying to push to maybe go
Speaker 3: to his next work thing like, five months is a
Speaker 3: pretty long time to have not met a soul, not
Speaker 3: a colleague, not an acquaintance, not a family member. And
Speaker 3: I don't want to freak you out by saying he's
Speaker 3: living a double life. He may not be, but it's
Speaker 3: not normal. And I think if you push the fact
Speaker 3: a little bit more, like I'd really love to meet
Speaker 3: someone that you work with or or someone whatever, and
Speaker 3: he still pushes back, I'd be asking more questions.
Speaker 2: I guess my thing, though, is is like he might
Speaker 2: be really introverted person. He might be someone who loves
Speaker 2: his space or who doesn't prioritize friendships. I guess my
Speaker 2: thing is is like it doesn't necessary without more information.
Speaker 2: It doesn't mean that he's a bad person, that's all,
Speaker 2: and I don't want it, or it doesn't mean that
Speaker 2: he's completely lying to you, but it could be a
Speaker 2: red flag. And I guess the thing is is that
Speaker 2: we socially, especially when we're newly dating someone, we socially
Speaker 2: use our loose connections with them to validate whether they're
Speaker 2: a good person or not. The problem is is like
Speaker 2: you have no mutual friends, which back in the day,
Speaker 2: mutual friends were a great way of finding out whether
Speaker 2: someone was worth investing it or not. He's saying he
Speaker 2: has no friends at all, and you haven't met any
Speaker 2: family members or work colleagues or acquaintances. And I think
Speaker 2: that that's probably where it becomes tricky for you to
Speaker 2: gauge the information that you need before you make a
Speaker 2: real commitment to this person. But I do want to
Speaker 2: say though, that there would be other ways of figuring
Speaker 2: this out. What's his social media presence, like, like does
Speaker 2: he have an active social media presence? Does he have
Speaker 2: a absolutely no social media presence? Is he contactable all
Speaker 2: the time? Is he not contactable? You know, what's his
Speaker 2: availability is? Like I guess, like there are other ways
Speaker 2: to try and figure out if you know, for example,
Speaker 2: it's the worst case scenario, like he's got a double life,
Speaker 2: or he just actually is someone who maybe doesn't interact
Speaker 2: with people in the same way that we, you know,
Speaker 2: as a majority, prioritize or socialize.
Speaker 3: Like maybe he's a spy. He's not a spy.
Speaker 1: Is he James Bourne double A seven Laura, No.
Speaker 3: But on the other side of this, let's go back
Speaker 3: to he is a perfectly normal person that is not
Speaker 3: doing the wrong thing and just has no friends. That
Speaker 3: only becomes a problem for you if it's a problem
Speaker 3: for you. So if you're a super social person and
Speaker 3: you are always wanting to go out, but you also
Speaker 3: like your own space, you're independent, and you've met somebody
Speaker 3: that doesn't have the same values, doesn't want the same things,
Speaker 3: doesn't have the fun in the same way, and he's
Speaker 3: also really needy on you because you're now the only
Speaker 3: person in their life. Literally, that becomes a problem before
Speaker 3: you if it's a problem, but you might meet somebody
Speaker 3: like it's pretty normal for people to not have a
Speaker 3: ludicrous amount of friends, but it's the not one person
Speaker 3: in his life. That's a bit of the alarm for me.
Speaker 3: But a lot of people match that are just as
Speaker 3: sort of needy and introverted and have the same social
Speaker 3: you know, they're on the same wavelength socially, So that
Speaker 3: is just something you've got to ask yourself if like
Speaker 3: your relationship and who you are matches with somebody that
Speaker 3: is pole opposite.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I would be judging him on how he
Speaker 2: treats you and how he treats people around you, and
Speaker 2: like other things that he does that I think indicate
Speaker 2: whether there's red flags or not. Absolutely do think that
Speaker 2: this could be a big red flag. And it is
Speaker 2: challenging when someone says they have no friends and no
Speaker 2: one for you to meet, like most people would be
Speaker 2: like rare alarm bells. I'm trying to play Devil's advocate
Speaker 2: here and think of the situations where that might not
Speaker 2: be the case. And I guess my big thing is
Speaker 2: is like, if he's treating you amazingly, if everything else
Speaker 2: suggests that it's okay, and the one thing is that
Speaker 2: he doesn't have a group of friends that would reflect
Speaker 2: sort of his social life, I just question more so
Speaker 2: And it's probably what you brought up, Britt, is the
Speaker 2: is the idea that there is no one in his
Speaker 2: life that you can meet. And you know, just because
Speaker 2: he doesn't have friends doesn't mean he's not close to
Speaker 2: his family. You know, has he just been this complete
Speaker 2: lone ranger for the past x amount of years? Like
Speaker 2: what does his history look like? I think there's more
Speaker 2: there that you can unpack and I would love to
Speaker 2: know people's opinions on this because you know, there are
Speaker 2: people who have a lot of friends, big social groups,
Speaker 2: and you know, we know from doing this podcast that
Speaker 2: there are people who would objectively say that they don't
Speaker 2: have any friends and they don't know how to make friends.
Speaker 2: So that is something that we you know, I don't
Speaker 2: want to say that people who don't have friends clearly
Speaker 2: are red flag in relationships, because those people exist, and
Speaker 2: there are people who have had to ask relative strangers
Speaker 2: to be their bridesmaids before, and we've had those questions
Speaker 2: come in.
Speaker 3: I also want to know his social media status. Does
Speaker 3: he use it? Does he post?
Speaker 1: You?
Speaker 3: Can you openly comment on his photos? Like is he
Speaker 3: also protective about that? If there are other protective flags?
Speaker 3: I think that that is a really telltale sign. Obviously
Speaker 3: not because he's a spy.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's not real.
Speaker 3: So if you can let us know those, because this
Speaker 3: is the shit that I need follow ups on.
Speaker 4: Imagine if the follow up was actually that he was
Speaker 4: a spo I know, I'm not letting this goes.
Speaker 3: Imagine, Sure, he's a creep, he's not a spy.
Speaker 4: In the aftermath, if she was like I actually found
Speaker 4: out or worse.
Speaker 2: He's in witness protection or something like yeah, grim, look
Speaker 2: you know what to cover cop like if you want
Speaker 2: advice on this as well. Like I was like, as
Speaker 2: we were talking about it, I was doing some like
Speaker 2: I was like in Reddit and I was in Cora
Speaker 2: and having a look at like what people's experiences are,
Speaker 2: and it is, you know, objectively, it's really sad. There's
Speaker 2: like quite a few people that are like, how do
Speaker 2: I tell my girlfriend that I don't have any friends?
Speaker 4: You know?
Speaker 2: And there's people who have asked this exact question. Is
Speaker 2: my new partner not having friends a red flag?
Speaker 3: You know?
Speaker 2: Is it bad to only have a girlfriend but not
Speaker 2: have any friends. There are a lot of people out
Speaker 2: there who do not have friends, and there are many
Speaker 2: reasons as to why making friends is challenging for some people.
Speaker 3: This for me, isn't about the friends. It's about that
Speaker 3: no one, yes, no acquaintance being important enough for you
Speaker 3: to meet, no family, no one. This isn't just the friendship,
Speaker 3: Like I only have a small amount of friends.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I know, and I think that that's the big thing.
Speaker 2: Like you are still especially if there's like work events
Speaker 2: that partners come to or there is like family things
Speaker 2: that are happening, like there are other ways for you
Speaker 2: to be brought in into his life in its full
Speaker 2: capacity of whatever his life looks like, whether it has
Speaker 2: friends or doesn't have friends, where you know that gives
Speaker 2: you the reassurance, but only you will know that once
Speaker 2: you have been brought into that full capacity, that's the reality.
Speaker 2: And if he, for a very prolonged period of time,
Speaker 2: continues to keep you within a separate sort of like
Speaker 2: you're here and the rest of my life is here,
Speaker 2: and I'm going to put it down to I just
Speaker 2: don't have friends close enough to introduce you to, then yes,
Speaker 2: there will come a point where this is a red
Speaker 2: flag and you will know that this is a problem
Speaker 2: because it will become increasingly evident that he is keeping
Speaker 2: two sides of his life separate. And I think that
Speaker 2: that's going to be the tell all for this. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I just don't want to answer this and answer it
Speaker 2: in a way which is like people who don't have
Speaker 2: friends clearly are fucking crazy, because we haven't said that
Speaker 2: totally totally, And I say this because it's fucking hard.
Speaker 5: The only question I have is why don't they have friends?
Speaker 1: Why are they spy? Please me? We just need that.
Speaker 3: It added information about the relationship as well.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's it, guys.
Speaker 3: I really loved those questions, all questions that we hadn't
Speaker 3: really had before, which is nice. Hey, keep them coming in,
Speaker 3: keep the aftermaths coming in. We want to do aftermath.
Speaker 3: So just writingto Instagram, we will always keep you anonymous,
Speaker 3: keep you accidental, unfiltereds coming in. We want those embarrassing stories.
Speaker 3: Please remember, you can go and watch it on YouTube,
Speaker 3: and it's a very different experience to go and watch it.
Speaker 1: We did.
Speaker 3: Keisha's about to say, we did crack ten k.
Speaker 5: Which is really cool.
Speaker 3: But describers, by the way, not just definitely. We haven't
Speaker 3: made any dollars, but subscribers.
Speaker 1: But I think it's really cool.
Speaker 3: It's a very different experience to watch it on YouTube.
Speaker 3: You know, the drill te Mum Taunte dot t friends
Speaker 3: and she had a love because we love love