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Speaker 1: A few years ago, we made a promise and pretty

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Speaker 1: much everybody that Kylie and I know has broken that promise.

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Speaker 1: Promise to our families that hasn't quite played out the

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Speaker 1: way we thought that it would. Today we unpacked that

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Speaker 1: promise and explore why your child feels hurried.

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Speaker 2: I'm a laughing at I'm looking.

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Speaker 3: At the notes that you've passed across the dable here

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Speaker 3: and I was trying to work out why we were

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Speaker 3: talking about curried children.

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Speaker 2: Show me the notes.

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Speaker 3: Well, I've changed it now.

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Speaker 1: That doesn't look like, Oh I am a doctor.

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Speaker 2: Doctors can't. I'm not that kind of doctor.

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Speaker 1: But I'm gonna Welcome to the Happy Family's podcast, Real

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Speaker 1: Parenting Solutions every Day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast

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Speaker 1: were when You're we adjustin and Kylie Coulson and today

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Speaker 1: we are not talking about curried child syndrome. That sounds really,

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Speaker 1: really damagingly bad. That sounds cannibalistic. So they were talking

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Speaker 1: about hurried child syndrome, the broken promise.

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Speaker 2: Let's talk about that.

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Speaker 1: During COVID, everyone said, my goodness, as much as we

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Speaker 1: recognize that COVID has brought with it many hardships we

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Speaker 1: like slow life. I mean that was the overwhelming conversation

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Speaker 1: that everyone was having. It's so nice to not have

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Speaker 1: to be driving everywhere doing so much.

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Speaker 2: Life is good.

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Speaker 1: We're never going back to our overscheduled lives, said every family,

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Speaker 1: and even.

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Speaker 3: From a connection point of view, while we missed connection,

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Speaker 3: I think sometimes there is so much connection in our

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Speaker 3: lives that it was really nice to take a back

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Speaker 3: seat with all of that.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, you not have to.

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Speaker 1: Not everybody feels the same way about COVID, but most

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Speaker 1: people that we've spoken to have said it was so

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Speaker 1: so nice. Unfortunately, we have pretty much all broken the

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Speaker 1: promise we've all gone back to.

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Speaker 2: Research shows that parents.

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Speaker 1: Are more stressed, burnt out, worried, anxious than ever before.

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Speaker 1: Kids are following suit. Kids' mental health is declining. They're

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Speaker 1: not doing as well because at least in part, there

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Speaker 1: is so much going on.

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Speaker 3: So a little bit of a sidetrack. But I'm wondering

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Speaker 3: whether or not everybody felt like that about COVID, because

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Speaker 3: it's kind of like a holiday, right, you get to

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Speaker 3: have a break from your real life. But the reality

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Speaker 3: is you wouldn't actually choose to live.

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Speaker 2: Like that forever.

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Speaker 1: I don't know, we've made an intentional decision to try,

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Speaker 1: and for the last couple of years we've been homeschooling

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Speaker 1: well two kids and then and now just one child, and.

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Speaker 2: I feel like we got a lot.

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Speaker 1: Well maybe you and I haven't, because we are still

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Speaker 1: extremely busy, but our daughter is unhurried. So our homeschooling

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Speaker 1: daughter has slowed her life for right down and we've

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Speaker 1: seen commensurate with that an increase in well being, confidence, resilience,

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Speaker 1: this delightful child who was really going downhill before we

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Speaker 1: made the call to do it. Not that today's podcast

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Speaker 1: is an advertisement for homeschooling, that's not what it's about,

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Speaker 1: but rather slowing things down.

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Speaker 2: Let me tell you about hurried child syndrome.

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Speaker 1: There's a guy called Dr David Elkind, and he came

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Speaker 1: up with the concept quite a long time ago. Key

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Speaker 1: characteristics kids being pushed to behave like many adults, Accelerated

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Speaker 1: academic expectations, overscheduled activity calendars, exposure, early exposure to adult issues.

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Speaker 1: So kids are growing up way too fast, often because

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Speaker 1: parents aren't present and kids are on screens or doing

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Speaker 1: a whole lot of things that we're not around to

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Speaker 1: help them to stretch out and slow down their childhoods, and.

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Speaker 3: I guess the flow and effect of that is that

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Speaker 3: they start behaving like little adults.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, that's right, which kind of works out reasonably well

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Speaker 1: for us, because the less we have to supervise them,

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Speaker 1: the happier we are, because we've got so much going

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Speaker 1: on ourselves, because we're so hurried and flustered. But the

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Speaker 1: little bit of research that I've been able to scrounge

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Speaker 1: up around this highlights that if our children are experiencing

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Speaker 1: a hurried childhood, and it's not just about being busy,

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Speaker 1: it's about early exposure, it's about high expectations. You've got

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Speaker 1: to be a little adult because you're walking and talking

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Speaker 1: and we can communicate now. Physical and mental health impacts,

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Speaker 1: sleep deprivation or eating habits, anxiety, depression.

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Speaker 2: Less resilience.

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Speaker 1: The one that worries me the most that I found

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Speaker 1: was feeling unworthy when failing to meet expectations. In other words,

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Speaker 1: a hurried childhood can make children feel like they're supposed

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Speaker 1: to be perfect, and perfectionism is perhaps one of the

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Speaker 1: most damaging forms of anxiety.

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Speaker 3: You think about the comparison trap that nearly the entire

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Speaker 3: human race falls into, at some point. And if you

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Speaker 3: have children comparing their capacity, their achievements, their talents, their

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Speaker 3: strengths against adults and the adult world, there's no competition.

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Speaker 3: Of course, the adults are going to be better at

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Speaker 3: those things. It's a really really tricky place for a

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Speaker 3: child to be.

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Speaker 1: And they're not just comparing themselves upwards, they're comparing themselves

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Speaker 1: sideways as well. And I think this is part of

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Speaker 1: the reason we've returned to the rush, because when our

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Speaker 1: child's not doing so well, they feel like they're failing,

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Speaker 1: but we also feel like we're failing. And when our

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Speaker 1: child has lots of successes, we feel like we're winning,

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Speaker 1: like we're great parents because our children are doing well

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Speaker 1: as well. I want to talk about why we return

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Speaker 1: to the rush, and I reckon it's partly because there's

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Speaker 1: this competitive parenting culture that's only accelerating. I don't think

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Speaker 1: that it existed nearly the way that it does today,

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Speaker 1: even ten or fifteen years ago.

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Speaker 2: I feel as though.

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Speaker 1: There is this competitive parenting culture that I'm seeing when

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Speaker 1: I'm in and out of schools and in and out

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Speaker 1: of workplaces and giving talks. Parents really really really understandably

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Speaker 1: want their children to fulfill their potential.

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Speaker 3: And it starts as babies.

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Speaker 1: Of course it does, because the conversations are, well, my

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Speaker 1: child's doing this earlier than yours, my child's walking, my

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Speaker 1: child's making sounds with their mouths. Whatever it is, it's

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Speaker 1: not fair on parents. It's not fair on the kids.

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Speaker 1: We're really concerned about our kids falling behind academically or socially. Again,

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Speaker 1: not fair, not healthy. I'll tell you why. Because schools

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Speaker 1: are not the best environments for everybody to be learning,

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Speaker 1: and some kids just hate it. There doesn't mean that

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Speaker 1: they can't live successful lives. I fail at high school,

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Speaker 1: like I scored on the bottom fifteen percent of the state.

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Speaker 1: We've got a PhD, I've written ten books, I've got

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Speaker 1: a TV show in Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. We

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Speaker 1: know at least three people who essentially failed high school

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Speaker 1: and then went on to become medical doctors. Like they

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Speaker 1: managed to get back into UNI when they're in their

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Speaker 1: mid twenties or early thirties and now they're practicing doctors.

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Speaker 1: And it's got nothing to do with intelligence. Failing school

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Speaker 1: it's got everything to do with motivation. This is not

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Speaker 1: an ability thing. The addictive nature of business is a

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Speaker 1: status symbol. I think that we're doing all of these things,

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Speaker 1: and again not to push the homeschool barrow too hard,

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Speaker 1: but by making the choice to homeschool our kids, we

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Speaker 1: kind of stepped out of all of that. There's no

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Speaker 1: competition from a parenting point of view. There's no worry

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Speaker 1: about falling behind academically or socially because you just teach

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Speaker 1: your kids at home and they work it out, and

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Speaker 1: if they don't, you come back to the lesson again

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Speaker 1: tomorrow and you just keep doing the same less until

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Speaker 1: they've got it. It changes the game and it slows

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Speaker 1: down their childhood. After the break, we're going to share

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Speaker 1: three solutions that can help you to slow childhood down

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Speaker 1: and remove the hurried child syndrome from your child's life.

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Speaker 2: Okay, Kylie. Three things.

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Speaker 1: We've chewed up a lot of time already, so we're

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Speaker 1: going to go through these fairly quickly. Three things that

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Speaker 1: we can do to help our children feel less hurried

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Speaker 1: in their lives. Let's kick it off.

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Speaker 3: The first one is my favorite. It's play. This is

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Speaker 3: really tricky for lots of parents because we grew up

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Speaker 3: with parents who did not play with us and Therefore,

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Speaker 3: it feels foreign for parents specifically to get involved with

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Speaker 3: their child's play, facilitating opportunities for our children to have

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Speaker 3: free play, no structure, no outcomes, just be able to

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Speaker 3: be kids.

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Speaker 1: So this is you talk about hurried child. Now I'm

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Speaker 1: going to step into hurried adult. No one's got time,

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Speaker 1: especially if you're working in a family where either you're

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Speaker 1: a single parent so you're doing it all, or you're

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Speaker 1: in a double income family where both parents are working

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Speaker 1: full time. Because to really play in an unstructured way

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Speaker 1: requires the one thing that nobody has time time. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: you've got to be able to go down to the

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Speaker 1: park and sit at the bench or sit on a

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Speaker 1: rug and let the kids play with their friends. That

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Speaker 1: means other families also need to have the time to

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Speaker 1: show up at the park with you and let the

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Speaker 1: kids go for it. And I'm talking kids from the

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Speaker 1: age of eighteen months up to eighteen years. And if

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Speaker 1: it's not the park, maybe it's the beach, or maybe

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Speaker 1: it's the wherever you're just going and doing things where

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Speaker 1: you sit and the children explore they play. Three benefits

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Speaker 1: to play that need to be hammered home, like really

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Speaker 1: really clearly ham at home.

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Speaker 2: Number one the cognitive development.

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Speaker 1: When children play in an open ended, unstructured way, they

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Speaker 1: have to solve problems.

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Speaker 2: They have to be creative.

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Speaker 1: They come up with stuff and then they start to

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Speaker 1: solve problems. They also have to get involved in really

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Speaker 1: important socially.

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Speaker 2: What's the word I'm looking for.

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Speaker 3: It's negotiation, it's communication, it's collaboration. Like there is so

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Speaker 3: much going on from a social point of view when

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Speaker 3: our kids come together, and sometimes we shy away from

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Speaker 3: it because it's like I don't want to have to

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Speaker 3: deal with the drama. But we we actually don't have

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Speaker 3: to deal with the drama. We have to allow the kids'

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Speaker 3: space to work through this.

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Speaker 1: And the third one is emotional development. This is where

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Speaker 1: they learn to express their feelings in safe ways. They

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Speaker 1: learn to understand other people's feelings, They learn to take perspectives,

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Speaker 1: they understand empathy, They develop coping mechanisms because things don't

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Speaker 1: always go their way that they would like them to.

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Speaker 2: Go play play play play, play play play.

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Speaker 1: The number one way to unhurry childhood is to literally

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Speaker 1: slow it down so the kids can be playing a

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Speaker 1: specially with other kids, especially in unstructured activities.

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Speaker 3: Number two is about keeping our feet on the ground.

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Speaker 3: It's really great to have goals, aspirations and desires for

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Speaker 3: our children, but when it comes to the goals that

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Speaker 3: we would set for our children specifically and the future

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Speaker 3: that they might live, I think the key to this

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Speaker 3: is it's not our goal, it's our kid's goal, and

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Speaker 3: so working with them and helping them to tap into

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Speaker 3: what's important to them, what are their strengths, what are

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Speaker 3: the things that light them up, and moving forward in

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Speaker 3: a positive trajectory in that way will make such a difference.

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Speaker 3: Too many children are left feeling like I really want

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Speaker 3: to be an artist, but my mum and dad want

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Speaker 3: me to be a lawyer and I can't disappoint them.

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Speaker 1: One of my favorite interviews ever on the Happy Families

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Speaker 1: podcast was with Emma McKean, Australia's most decorated Olympic medal.

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Speaker 1: Her father was a Commonwealth swimmer, a common Wealth Games medallist.

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Speaker 1: Her parents owned a swim school, her mum was also

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Speaker 1: a swimmer, so she's grown up in and her brother

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Speaker 1: was also a swimmer, so she's grown up in this

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Speaker 1: environment where swimming, swimming and swimming. And when I talked

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Speaker 1: to her, I said like, how did that go for you?

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Speaker 1: And she said, my parents let me set my own goals.

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Speaker 1: And the other thing she said is I quit swimming

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Speaker 1: several times, but I kept on going back because I

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Speaker 1: liked the people and because I enjoyed.

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Speaker 2: Being in the pool.

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Speaker 1: But it was always self determined and as a result

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Speaker 1: of that, she was able to achieve things that were

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Speaker 1: important to her. Her parents were not saying this is

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Speaker 1: important to us. It's just it's all on you, and

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Speaker 1: she was able to self reflect, especially in the downtimes

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Speaker 1: when she wasn't in the pool, to realize, hang on,

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Speaker 1: this is something that I really like. And now I'm

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Speaker 1: not sharing that so that we can all raise Olympians.

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Speaker 1: I'm sharing it to highlight that we've got all these

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Speaker 1: goals for our kids. The number of times I've spoken

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Speaker 1: to parents who want their kids to be doctors or

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Speaker 1: loyals or engineers or identists or whatever.

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Speaker 3: But it's because it's money driven. Want our children to

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Speaker 3: have financial success and therefore financial freedom.

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Speaker 2: It just pushes the kids way too hard. Let them

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Speaker 2: figure it out.

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Speaker 1: Like I said, we know doctors who never planned to

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Speaker 1: be doctors and even failed high school.

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Speaker 3: Well, you never planned to do a university andw you are.

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Speaker 1: Now that I would have a PhD was laughable.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, And I just think that if we can recognize

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Speaker 3: and understand that all learning is good learning, and our

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Speaker 3: children are going to figure it out. And yes, it

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Speaker 3: means that some of them are going to take the

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Speaker 3: long way to get there, but the learning that takes

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Speaker 3: place on that long journey, you can't. You can't buy that.

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Speaker 1: So the first one, make sure that the kid's playing,

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Speaker 1: playing a lot, unstructured play, playing with other kids.

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Speaker 2: The second one.

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Speaker 1: Goals and aspirations, like, don't worry about what your goals

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Speaker 1: and aspirations are for your children, because it's not your life,

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Speaker 1: it's theirs. Just support them and talk to them about

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Speaker 1: what it is that they value and what it is

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Speaker 1: that they're working towards.

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Speaker 2: Third one, final one.

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Speaker 3: This is when we all struggle with the most a

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Speaker 3: balance schedule. When you think about hurried child syndrome, the

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Speaker 3: one thing that most of us are lacking is a

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Speaker 3: balance schedule. We're not getting enough sleep, we're not getting

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Speaker 3: enough downtime, we're not getting enough connection, like real honest

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Speaker 3: connection with people that matter in our lives. Those are

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Speaker 3: the big rocks that literally transform a hurried life into

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Speaker 3: one that feels balanced, real, and connective.

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Speaker 1: In Season one of Parental Guidance, there was one family

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Speaker 1: whose parenting style I won't mention, but they pushed their

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Speaker 1: kids hard. They ate at least five meals per week

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Speaker 1: in the car, firing the children from one activity to another. Now,

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Speaker 1: it's great if your children want to be involved in

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Speaker 1: lots of experts, not only.

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Speaker 3: Where they in the car. They it wasn't the whole

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Speaker 3: family's in the car, it's mums in one car and

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Speaker 3: dad's in another car.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, so I mean limit this is controversial, but limit

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Speaker 1: extracurricular activities because unstructured is better. Of course, if the

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Speaker 1: kids are saying I want this, I'm thriving with this,

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Speaker 1: I'm oriented towards it, and it's their choice, and you've

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Speaker 1: got the time and resources, then I'm I'm not going

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Speaker 1: to push too hard against it.

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Speaker 3: But I also think our kids are caught up in

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Speaker 3: a trap of comparison and competition as well. They see

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Speaker 3: all of their friends doing these things and they want

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Speaker 3: to be like everybody else. I look at Emily. We've

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Speaker 3: been away now for eighteen months out of school.

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Speaker 2: That's more.

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Speaker 3: And we wanted her to have extracurricular activities so that

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Speaker 3: she was getting a rich, full education because she wasn't

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Speaker 3: at school, and one by one she has literally taken

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Speaker 3: them off her list. She loves the fact that her

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Speaker 3: life is now.

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Speaker 2: Slow, slow, unstructured.

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Speaker 3: And every time I take her to another extracurricular activity,

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Speaker 3: she feels hurried and harried.

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Speaker 1: So we wanted not just un hurry our lives, We

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Speaker 1: want to unharry our lives. If you know any harries,

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Speaker 1: we clearly need to get ridden. Unstructured play goals that

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Speaker 1: are directed and determined by your children, and a balanced schedule.

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Speaker 2: Good luck.

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Speaker 1: We know that this can help you to unhurry childhood.

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Speaker 1: We know that it's good for their kids' mental health.

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Speaker 1: We hope that this has been a helpful conversation. The

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Speaker 1: Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruhlon from Bridge Media.

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Speaker 1: More information and resources to make your family happier are

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Speaker 1: available on happy families dot com dot au