1 00:00:03,320 --> 00:00:06,960 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the 2 00:00:07,040 --> 00:00:10,000 Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers. 3 00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:13,560 Speaker 2: Now, it's connection and understanding. Our kids want to be understood, 4 00:00:14,040 --> 00:00:16,840 Speaker 2: but we can't understand that if we're not connecting with them. 5 00:00:17,079 --> 00:00:20,320 Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum 6 00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:20,840 Speaker 1: and dad. 7 00:00:21,079 --> 00:00:23,239 Speaker 3: Good. It's Justin Colson, the author of six books about 8 00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:25,720 Speaker 3: raising happy families, doctor of psychology, founder of Happy Families 9 00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:28,080 Speaker 3: dot com dot you all that stuff here with Kylie 10 00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:29,640 Speaker 3: mum to our six daughters. 11 00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:32,120 Speaker 2: And you know, you don't have to speak on one 12 00:00:32,120 --> 00:00:34,559 Speaker 2: point five speed. People can just push the button right. 13 00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:36,720 Speaker 3: Oh, I'm talking too fast, so she took so much. 14 00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:40,120 Speaker 3: Let me slow things down. I feel like I feel 15 00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:42,440 Speaker 3: like I'm a little tense at the moment. I feel 16 00:00:42,440 --> 00:00:45,800 Speaker 3: like there's just this energy around life with people being 17 00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:48,000 Speaker 3: in lockdown and being frustrated. I feel like there's this 18 00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:52,720 Speaker 3: low lying anxiety and frustration that's going on. And everyone 19 00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:54,960 Speaker 3: wants to get vaccinated, and we've got government leaders saying 20 00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:56,640 Speaker 3: hurry up and get vaccinated, but then you try to 21 00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:59,280 Speaker 3: get vaccinated and you can't get vaccinated, and there's just 22 00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:03,440 Speaker 3: this tension, simmering tension around what this pandemic has done. 23 00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:06,920 Speaker 3: I kind of feel like at the start it was like, okay, pandemic, 24 00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:09,800 Speaker 3: we'll get through this. But now we're eighteen months into 25 00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:13,720 Speaker 3: it and it's really starting to impact people's well being. 26 00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:17,520 Speaker 3: It's challenging. So I've slowed down just for you. 27 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:18,520 Speaker 2: Thank you. 28 00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:20,440 Speaker 3: I'm so glad that you're talking to me. We've had 29 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:23,160 Speaker 3: a rough morning, so we record the podcast the day 30 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:25,720 Speaker 3: before at lands because obviously it lands in your feet 31 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:27,600 Speaker 3: at like five in the morning. We're not getting up 32 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:29,840 Speaker 3: at four thirty so that you can get the podcast. 33 00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:34,399 Speaker 3: So it's Wednesday, the eleventh of August. We're recording for Thursday, 34 00:01:34,520 --> 00:01:37,840 Speaker 3: the twelfth of August. And Kylie, this morning, well, it's 35 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:40,319 Speaker 3: been a rough morning. Let's talk about the conversation that 36 00:01:40,319 --> 00:01:42,679 Speaker 3: happened at breakfast this morning because it's highly relevant to 37 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:43,200 Speaker 3: the pandemic. 38 00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:45,120 Speaker 2: It's amazing about this this You and I have been 39 00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:49,440 Speaker 2: planning to have this conversation for the last week and unscripted, 40 00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:51,480 Speaker 2: not no prompting whatsoever. 41 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:52,800 Speaker 3: The kids brought it up. 42 00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:56,680 Speaker 2: Our eleven year olds sitting at the breakfast table this morning, says, 43 00:01:58,120 --> 00:02:00,040 Speaker 2: yesterday at school, we were watching. 44 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:02,520 Speaker 3: Behind the news. For those of you who are not 45 00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:04,760 Speaker 3: familiar with BTN. It's an ABC program for kids to 46 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:05,840 Speaker 3: keep up on current events. 47 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:09,920 Speaker 2: And did you know that Olivia Rodrigo was found in 48 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:11,120 Speaker 2: the White House? 49 00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:13,720 Speaker 3: And was found in the White House. She's stuck in, 50 00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:15,639 Speaker 3: she was. 51 00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:17,840 Speaker 2: He didn't give me a hard time for everything that 52 00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:18,440 Speaker 2: comes out of mind. 53 00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:20,440 Speaker 3: It's been a bad morning. I shouldn't have done that 54 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:23,280 Speaker 3: to you. I'm so sorry, Please forgive me. 55 00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:26,000 Speaker 2: So she said that the news story that they were 56 00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:30,280 Speaker 2: watching was all about Olivia Rodrigo, who received her first 57 00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:34,560 Speaker 2: vaccination shot in the White House in Parliament, and it 58 00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:36,480 Speaker 2: was newsworthy. 59 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:37,960 Speaker 3: For those of you who are not familiar with who 60 00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:49,840 Speaker 3: Olivia Rodrigo is. Jr. Plays the song I Perfect. So 61 00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:53,000 Speaker 3: Olivia Rodrigo is probably the world's number one pop act 62 00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:56,880 Speaker 3: right now. And if you're eleven, and if you're eleven, this. 63 00:02:56,919 --> 00:02:57,720 Speaker 2: Is you know who she is? 64 00:02:57,840 --> 00:03:00,560 Speaker 3: Yeah, And then that prompted this fascinating converse. We had 65 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:03,320 Speaker 3: our whole family sitting together for breakfast, and the girls 66 00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:05,480 Speaker 3: were like, I can't believe that they're paying celebrities to 67 00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:07,799 Speaker 3: get vaccinated. And I said, what's the issue that you've got? 68 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:10,200 Speaker 3: Is it vaccination or is it paying celebrities to influence, 69 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:12,800 Speaker 3: and all the kids said, no, no, no, we're all They 70 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:15,720 Speaker 3: understand that we're pro vaccination. We believe that it's important, 71 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:17,800 Speaker 3: it's going to save lives, so let's get vaccinated. But 72 00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:22,359 Speaker 3: the idea that celebrities should be being paid to endorse 73 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:24,320 Speaker 3: a product, or. 74 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:26,880 Speaker 2: Whether they're paid or not, it was the comment that 75 00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:28,960 Speaker 2: the kids made was, I can't believe that we've had 76 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,160 Speaker 2: to go this far, We've had to stupid this low, 77 00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:35,680 Speaker 2: that we've got to get celebrities to convince us that 78 00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:37,520 Speaker 2: this is a good thing. That was their point. 79 00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:39,680 Speaker 3: So while this conversation was going on, one of our 80 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:42,080 Speaker 3: kids has got some concerns about vaccinations. 81 00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:45,640 Speaker 2: She's now considered an essential worker and has to make 82 00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:48,160 Speaker 2: a decision about whether or not she will be vaccinated. 83 00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:50,000 Speaker 2: And she's had a couple of conversations with some friends 84 00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:52,119 Speaker 2: who are very very wary about it and have very 85 00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:56,640 Speaker 2: strong opinions against vaccinations, and brought out a whole heap. 86 00:03:56,440 --> 00:03:59,400 Speaker 3: Of well, they brought out some bizarre stuff that was 87 00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:02,840 Speaker 3: clearly not factual, Like there's a lot of stuff going around. 88 00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:05,920 Speaker 3: I joke regularly that I've had my five G injection 89 00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:09,040 Speaker 3: because I've been vaccinated twice now and I've got five 90 00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:12,640 Speaker 3: g I've got excellent wireless receptivity everywhere I go. I 91 00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:15,120 Speaker 3: thought that was really funny. No one ever laughs when 92 00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:17,560 Speaker 3: I say that. But there was a news story with 93 00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:21,000 Speaker 3: Arnold Schwarzenegger and I put on my very best Arnold voice. 94 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:22,640 Speaker 2: I think that of all the things that kids are 95 00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:25,080 Speaker 2: going to remember from this morning's conversation, it's going to 96 00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:27,039 Speaker 2: be how bad you're Arnold. 97 00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:30,080 Speaker 4: I always say you should know your strengths and listen 98 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:33,200 Speaker 4: to the experts. If you want to learn about building biceps, 99 00:04:33,279 --> 00:04:35,920 Speaker 4: listen to me, because I've spent my life studying how 100 00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:38,120 Speaker 4: to get the perfect peak, and I have been called 101 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:39,880 Speaker 4: the greatest bodybuilder of all time. 102 00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:42,720 Speaker 2: I wish he had a stop there being a politician 103 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:44,479 Speaker 2: and a movie star, and we're. 104 00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:47,039 Speaker 3: Not with some of his strengths. Anyway, Arnold goes on 105 00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:49,760 Speaker 3: about how we should listen to the experts, and if 106 00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:51,640 Speaker 3: you have a heart attack, don't check your Facebook group, 107 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:53,920 Speaker 3: you call an ambulance. If nine doctors tell you have cancer, 108 00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:55,760 Speaker 3: any treatment or you'll die, and one says the cancer 109 00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:57,960 Speaker 3: will just appear, always side with the nine. And so 110 00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:00,440 Speaker 3: we had this. Really it was a great quote. It was. 111 00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:02,400 Speaker 3: It really was, and it was a really good conversation 112 00:05:02,440 --> 00:05:04,640 Speaker 3: with the kids about this. And what I love is 113 00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:08,840 Speaker 3: that as parents, we've got this opportunity to really listen 114 00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:11,640 Speaker 3: to our children. When one of the kids said, I 115 00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:14,920 Speaker 3: can't believe we've had to get celebrities to encourage people 116 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:17,279 Speaker 3: to get vaccines and go to the White House to 117 00:05:17,279 --> 00:05:20,400 Speaker 3: get vaccinated. I so badly wanted to jump in and 118 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:22,279 Speaker 3: say all the stuff that I know and all the 119 00:05:22,279 --> 00:05:24,800 Speaker 3: things that I believe, and instead I took a big, 120 00:05:24,839 --> 00:05:27,000 Speaker 3: deep breath and I said, I'm really curious about why 121 00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:29,240 Speaker 3: you feel like that. Okay, so this has been a 122 00:05:29,279 --> 00:05:31,440 Speaker 3: really fun conversation, but what it actually does raise is 123 00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:35,839 Speaker 3: a really important discussion for us to have about how 124 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:40,560 Speaker 3: we can influence our kids, not necessarily about vaccinations, not 125 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:43,080 Speaker 3: necessarily about anything political, but just how we can influence 126 00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:45,000 Speaker 3: our kids, how we can work with them, and what 127 00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:48,000 Speaker 3: it takes to make sure that our children are going 128 00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:50,680 Speaker 3: to make safe, healthy decisions, especially as they get older, 129 00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:55,320 Speaker 3: Like what age do we lose our ability to influence them. 130 00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:56,320 Speaker 3: Let's talk about that. 131 00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:56,719 Speaker 1: Next. 132 00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:58,600 Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families. 133 00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:02,680 Speaker 5: Podcast Imagine Home, where discipline got results without anyone having 134 00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:05,080 Speaker 5: to feel bad or in trouble. The Do's and don'ts 135 00:06:05,080 --> 00:06:07,719 Speaker 5: of Discipline as a webinar to help parents set limits 136 00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:11,840 Speaker 5: with love, compassion, and humanity. Find it now at happyfamilies 137 00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:14,000 Speaker 5: dot com dot a slash shop. 138 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:16,800 Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time 139 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:20,360 Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now and today we 140 00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:24,040 Speaker 2: have been exploring a really interesting conversation we had around 141 00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:27,480 Speaker 2: the breakfast table with our children around influence and our 142 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:32,480 Speaker 2: children are recognizing the power that media and pop stars 143 00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:35,240 Speaker 2: have on them and. 144 00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:37,359 Speaker 3: Also being critical about it and saying, should we be 145 00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:39,960 Speaker 3: influenced by pop stars just because they're going and doing this? 146 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:41,800 Speaker 3: Does that mean we should do it too? Yeah? 147 00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:44,680 Speaker 2: So this really cool conversation now that we get to 148 00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:49,760 Speaker 2: have about how we as parents specifically can influence our 149 00:06:49,839 --> 00:06:53,960 Speaker 2: children and how long can we sustain that influence before 150 00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:56,400 Speaker 2: they revert to their own ways. 151 00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:58,800 Speaker 3: So this got me thinking about influence generally. Let me 152 00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:00,800 Speaker 3: pose a question to you, what age do you think 153 00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:03,080 Speaker 3: we have to start working very hard to be able 154 00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:04,599 Speaker 3: to genuinely influence our kids? 155 00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:07,640 Speaker 2: Early teens? 156 00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:11,040 Speaker 3: Really, I was going to say about eighteen months. Have 157 00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:15,680 Speaker 3: you ever tried to influence a toddler. Seriously, it's hard 158 00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:17,840 Speaker 3: to influence a toddler. And I think that the same 159 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:20,800 Speaker 3: principles apply for those early teenagers as they do for toddlers. 160 00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:23,960 Speaker 3: So when you think back, now you don't know what 161 00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:26,080 Speaker 3: I've got here in my notes, But when you think 162 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:28,640 Speaker 3: back to trying to influence any of our children at 163 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:32,280 Speaker 3: any age, what is at the very heart of influence? 164 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:36,240 Speaker 3: What does it take to get them to listen to 165 00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:38,400 Speaker 3: you and be open to what you're suggesting. 166 00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:41,920 Speaker 2: Well, it's connection and understanding. Yeah, our kids want to 167 00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:44,920 Speaker 2: be understood, but we can't understand them if we're not 168 00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:45,960 Speaker 2: connecting with them. 169 00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:48,600 Speaker 3: So at the very heart of influence. So we can 170 00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:51,960 Speaker 3: actually influence in two ways. The police can have a 171 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:54,760 Speaker 3: tremendous influence on us, and they do it by virtue 172 00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:57,520 Speaker 3: of power. Right, They've got the authority to stop us, 173 00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:00,400 Speaker 3: to find us, to hurt us, to make us price 174 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,840 Speaker 3: if we do something that they don't like. So, and 175 00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:05,160 Speaker 3: I'm not saying that if any any police are listening, 176 00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:08,080 Speaker 3: I'm not suggesting that there's any kind of bad actors 177 00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:10,600 Speaker 3: going on with this. It's just it's a power play, 178 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:12,320 Speaker 3: and a lot of parents raise their kids with power 179 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:14,360 Speaker 3: as well, and politicians they use power all the time 180 00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:14,760 Speaker 3: as well. 181 00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:17,800 Speaker 2: So is that not what this conversation we've had with 182 00:08:17,840 --> 00:08:21,120 Speaker 2: our kids this morning is about. It's power, Yeah, it's influence, 183 00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:21,880 Speaker 2: yeah yeah, yes. 184 00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:23,320 Speaker 3: So it's got government. 185 00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:25,320 Speaker 2: And pop stars coming together. 186 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:28,680 Speaker 3: But what they can do. So what happens when they 187 00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:30,600 Speaker 3: bring the pop star in is they say, we don't 188 00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:33,280 Speaker 3: want to use harsh power. We don't want to say. 189 00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:35,240 Speaker 3: If you don't do it, here's what's going to happen 190 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:37,280 Speaker 3: to you, and it's going to hurt. They're taking a 191 00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:40,880 Speaker 3: different tach. They're saying, let's focus on relationship everybody. They 192 00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:44,880 Speaker 3: don't just like Olivia Rodrigo, they love her. It's not 193 00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:50,720 Speaker 3: just about liking. It's about trust, yes, trust. So let's 194 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:53,480 Speaker 3: really cut to the core of what this is about. 195 00:08:53,559 --> 00:08:56,679 Speaker 3: If we want to influence our kids, we've got to 196 00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:59,920 Speaker 3: have a connection with them. And that favorite definition of 197 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:02,400 Speaker 3: connection that we use from Brene Brown that is just 198 00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:03,719 Speaker 3: so powerful. 199 00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:07,000 Speaker 2: Seen, heard, and value. They want to feel seen, heard 200 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:07,520 Speaker 2: and valued. 201 00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:10,320 Speaker 3: So if you want to influence your toddler, make sure 202 00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:13,959 Speaker 3: that your toddler feels seen, heard and valued. And what 203 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:17,120 Speaker 3: that does is that it gets the relationship to a 204 00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:19,760 Speaker 3: point where your toddler looks at you and says, since 205 00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:22,440 Speaker 3: you can see me and hear me and value me, 206 00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:26,600 Speaker 3: and I'm feeling that that means that I can trust you. 207 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:30,560 Speaker 2: But okay, so then how does that equate to a 208 00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:33,800 Speaker 2: pop star because I don't know me, they can't see me, 209 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,439 Speaker 2: they can't hear me, they can't value me. 210 00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:38,520 Speaker 3: No, but there's a sense of shared humanity. There's a 211 00:09:38,559 --> 00:09:41,280 Speaker 3: sense of I look to this person as a role model, 212 00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:46,200 Speaker 3: and because of their position in society, they occupy a 213 00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:48,760 Speaker 3: position of trust. You always hear sports people and pop 214 00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:51,440 Speaker 3: stars and people who have those positions say I'm not 215 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:53,320 Speaker 3: a role model. I'm just living my life. People should 216 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:57,680 Speaker 3: live theirs. But that's an abdication of responsibility. You can't 217 00:09:57,679 --> 00:10:00,840 Speaker 3: be in that position and not influence others. It's simply 218 00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:05,760 Speaker 3: not possible. And so Olivia Rodrigo, by virtue of her status, 219 00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:09,560 Speaker 3: has influenced why because people feel connected to her through 220 00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:12,720 Speaker 3: her music and through her videos, through her social media channels. 221 00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:16,040 Speaker 3: They feel connected to her, which means that since they 222 00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:18,600 Speaker 3: feel that connection, they feel like she gets them, like 223 00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:21,600 Speaker 3: if you're a seventeen year old kid, And let's acknowledge 224 00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:24,400 Speaker 3: as well. In the United States, vaccines have been approved 225 00:10:24,440 --> 00:10:27,440 Speaker 3: for all kids twelve and up now, so they really 226 00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:30,800 Speaker 3: want to push the vaccines into the younger demographic see 227 00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:33,120 Speaker 3: gott I did they push the vaccines in? Yep? 228 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:33,839 Speaker 1: All right. 229 00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:37,880 Speaker 3: So what happens is Olivia Rodrigo, they young kids, they 230 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,199 Speaker 3: look to her, they feel connected to her, therefore they 231 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:43,880 Speaker 3: trust her. Therefore they'll be influenced by her. And the 232 00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:46,640 Speaker 3: same principles apply here in our family. If you want 233 00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:50,120 Speaker 3: to influence your children, get the connection right, make sure 234 00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:52,000 Speaker 3: the kids feel seen, hurt and valued. 235 00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:55,440 Speaker 2: So our first take home is that connection is everything. 236 00:10:55,559 --> 00:10:58,120 Speaker 3: Every time, every time I think that it will solve 237 00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:00,880 Speaker 3: probably about eighty to ninety percent of all challenges that 238 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:03,360 Speaker 3: we face with our kids. The second thing is, when 239 00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:06,720 Speaker 3: you get the connection right, you create trust. And my 240 00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:10,680 Speaker 3: definition of trust is that we believe that the other 241 00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:13,840 Speaker 3: person will act in our best interests Now, that makes sense, right, 242 00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:16,240 Speaker 3: because if you're connected with someone and you feel seen, 243 00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:18,280 Speaker 3: hurt and valued, of course you're going to believe that 244 00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:20,280 Speaker 3: they're going to act in your best interest. Why because 245 00:11:20,559 --> 00:11:22,960 Speaker 3: you feel seen, hurd and valued, so you can trust them. 246 00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:25,680 Speaker 3: And when you trust them, you become open to their influence. 247 00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:30,240 Speaker 2: Often parents will come and say, my relationship with my 248 00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:34,280 Speaker 2: teenager is strained. We don't have any connection, there isn't 249 00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:35,359 Speaker 2: any trust. 250 00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:37,200 Speaker 3: And there's the zero influence as a result. 251 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:41,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, So how do we get our teenagers to believe 252 00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:43,280 Speaker 2: that we have their best interests at heart? 253 00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:45,880 Speaker 3: That's the critical question and that goes back to well, 254 00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:48,280 Speaker 3: that's the definition of trust, right, best interest at heart. 255 00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:50,440 Speaker 3: And the way you do that is, you know the 256 00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:52,800 Speaker 3: three e's of effective discipline that I talk about. 257 00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:55,000 Speaker 2: Explore, explain, and empower. 258 00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:58,679 Speaker 3: Yeah, so you explore their world. You literally put your 259 00:11:58,679 --> 00:12:00,240 Speaker 3: agender asside and say, hey, tell me how it is 260 00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:02,800 Speaker 3: for you. What's going on for you? Why I think 261 00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:05,440 Speaker 3: so hard? Case in point eleven year old this morning 262 00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:09,440 Speaker 3: upset missing our dog, and I just sat with her 263 00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:12,240 Speaker 3: on the bed and said, what's really going on? Tell me, 264 00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:14,640 Speaker 3: help me to understand. And as I did that, as 265 00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:16,680 Speaker 3: I really explored, what it did was that we restored 266 00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:21,040 Speaker 3: the connection that was missing this morning. She felt seen 267 00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:23,960 Speaker 3: and heard and valued. And as I explored that with 268 00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:26,080 Speaker 3: her and she opened up and told me, I was 269 00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:28,600 Speaker 3: able to huger and say, all right, I get it. Now, 270 00:12:28,679 --> 00:12:30,520 Speaker 3: let's explain what we've got to get through this morning, 271 00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:34,080 Speaker 3: and then I empowered her. I said, so what do 272 00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:36,520 Speaker 3: you think we should do? Now? How do we get 273 00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:40,080 Speaker 3: things going? That's a really simple example. Sometimes it takes 274 00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:42,680 Speaker 3: longer than that, but I think that's kind of where 275 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,800 Speaker 3: we need to land. If you want to build trust, 276 00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:48,360 Speaker 3: you've got to explore their world. Let me use one 277 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:50,560 Speaker 3: other metaphor, and then we'll have to wrap up. I 278 00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:55,120 Speaker 3: often look at our relationship as a bucket, and the 279 00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:57,839 Speaker 3: quality of our connection is the water that goes in 280 00:12:57,880 --> 00:13:00,559 Speaker 3: the bucket. So a bucket can hold two things. That 281 00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:02,960 Speaker 3: can hold water and it can hold air. The water 282 00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:07,760 Speaker 3: is the connection feeling seen, heard and valued. And the air, well, 283 00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:12,560 Speaker 3: that's correction and direction. When there's correction and direction, there's 284 00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:14,800 Speaker 3: no trust because people don't feel seen, heard and valued. 285 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:18,079 Speaker 3: There's no connection. They don't feel when you're constantly correcting 286 00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:19,640 Speaker 3: and directing, people don't feel like you're going to act 287 00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:22,679 Speaker 3: in their best interests. And so our job as parents 288 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,959 Speaker 3: is to put as much water in that relationship bucket 289 00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,400 Speaker 3: as we can put as much connection in there. As 290 00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:29,320 Speaker 3: we put that connection in, the kids feel seen, heard 291 00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:32,560 Speaker 3: and valued. That builds trust, a belief that my parents 292 00:13:32,559 --> 00:13:35,280 Speaker 3: are going to act in my best interests, which opens 293 00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:39,000 Speaker 3: them up to our influence. And that is why what 294 00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:41,520 Speaker 3: Olivia Rodrigo did in the White House, getting he vaccination 295 00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:46,160 Speaker 3: and being on global news broadcasts, that's why it's influential 296 00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:49,880 Speaker 3: because people trust Olivia Rodrigo, the kids, the people that 297 00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:52,600 Speaker 3: they're aiming for, they trust her and they'll follow her. 298 00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:55,800 Speaker 2: So if we were to break this down quickly for everybody, yep, 299 00:13:56,240 --> 00:14:00,360 Speaker 2: we're talking about building and maintaining strong connections with our children, 300 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:03,760 Speaker 2: and in our efforts to do that, what we do 301 00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:07,880 Speaker 2: is build relationships of trust right and as we do that, 302 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:12,840 Speaker 2: we're then able to allow our children the autonomy that 303 00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:16,439 Speaker 2: they seek and want in their lives to make better 304 00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:19,840 Speaker 2: decisions because they will allow us to be influential without 305 00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:21,640 Speaker 2: us having to force our influence on them. 306 00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:24,160 Speaker 3: Spot on, we don't need to control them. We get 307 00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:26,120 Speaker 3: to empower them and say, hey, what do you think 308 00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:27,840 Speaker 3: you should do now? Or where do we go from here? 309 00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:29,800 Speaker 3: Or how do we make this work? And if they 310 00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:32,760 Speaker 3: give us allows the option because they're open to our influence, 311 00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:35,960 Speaker 3: because we've given our power away, they actually give us 312 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,920 Speaker 3: that power back and say, well, what do you think 313 00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:40,960 Speaker 3: That's how we maintain influence not just with two year olds, 314 00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:43,200 Speaker 3: but even with twenty two and maybe even with forty 315 00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:44,040 Speaker 3: two year olds. 316 00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:48,080 Speaker 2: Well, I've loved having this conversation, just that reminder that 317 00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:53,320 Speaker 2: even when our kids are being challenging, that those bids 318 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:57,240 Speaker 2: for connection are actually where our real influence comes from. 319 00:14:57,560 --> 00:15:00,640 Speaker 3: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Roland Bridge Media. 320 00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:03,120 Speaker 3: Craig Bruce is our executive producer. This has been a 321 00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:05,360 Speaker 3: kind of a heavier topic than what we would normally 322 00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:08,400 Speaker 3: dive into, but we hope that it's been helpful. I 323 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:11,160 Speaker 3: feel like we've shared a handful of real gems in 324 00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:13,880 Speaker 3: the things that we've shared today. If you've found the 325 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:17,360 Speaker 3: podcast helpful, please do what something like five hundred other 326 00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:20,400 Speaker 3: people have done now and jump onto Apple Podcasts, leave 327 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:23,480 Speaker 3: us a rating and review, because it's those ratings and 328 00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:26,080 Speaker 3: reviews that help others to find the podcast and make 329 00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:29,800 Speaker 3: their families happier. 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