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Speaker 1: There is one day each month that can change your relationship,

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Speaker 1: change your family, change almost everything for your child. We're

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Speaker 1: going to tell you about that in just a sec.

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Speaker 1: Stay with us. Hello and welcome to The Happy Family's podcast,

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Speaker 1: Real Parenting Solutions. Every day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast,

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Speaker 1: we are Justin and Kylie Courson and every Friday we

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Speaker 1: get I was going to say down and dirty, but

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Speaker 1: that's not really what this podcast is about. We get

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Speaker 1: it into the details, the nitty gretaya. I'm so funny

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Speaker 1: that I made you snort? Was that a snort? Maybe

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Speaker 1: we get into the detail of how our family is going,

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Speaker 1: what we're doing right, what we're doing wrong, how we

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Speaker 1: can do things better, and we introspect because we want

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Speaker 1: to be intentional parents. Today. I'm going to go first

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Speaker 1: because my one is really, really, really short. Over the

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Speaker 1: course of this past week, I've been doing a lot

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Speaker 1: of staff development seminars and sessions professional development for teachers.

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Speaker 1: This last week being away, it's reminded me of how

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Speaker 1: bad hotel pillows are, no matter what hotel you're staying at,

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Speaker 1: and it's reminded me of how much I missed my

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Speaker 1: family when I travel. It's the hardest part of my job.

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Speaker 1: The best part is making a difference in people's lives,

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Speaker 1: but the hardest part, without question, is being away from

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Speaker 1: you and the kids on whatever day. It was a

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Speaker 1: couple of days ago I got back from having been

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Speaker 1: away for two nights, and when I got home, I

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Speaker 1: walked into the kitchen to find you having made a delicious, healthy,

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Speaker 1: gluten free bananaca cake, and our two teenage daughters, and

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Speaker 1: they were just delighting in one another. They were laughing,

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Speaker 1: they were telling stories, they were Do you ever remember

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Speaker 1: what they were talking about. I mean, it was just stuff, right,

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Speaker 1: just teenage girls being fun, teenage girls, two sisters having

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Speaker 1: a laugh.

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Speaker 2: Well, the fact that one of them had been away

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Speaker 2: for nearly two weeks made the reunion delightful.

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Speaker 1: Having a really great catch up. But the thing is,

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Speaker 1: I had a really big headache because I hadn't slept

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Speaker 1: because of a bad pillow in a hotel room. But

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Speaker 1: walking in and hearing these two girls catching up and

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Speaker 1: spending time together and laughing their heads off, I don't

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Speaker 1: know what's happening to me. I guess I've kind of

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Speaker 1: always done this. We do it all the way through

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Speaker 1: but at the moment, there's something happening where I feel

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Speaker 1: like these experiences are richer than they've ever been. We're

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Speaker 1: dealing with daughters four and five in their teens now

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Speaker 1: only daughter to number six is still to hit hers,

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Speaker 1: and there's something about it. I just I want to

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Speaker 1: reach out and capture the moment. I don't want the

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Speaker 1: moment to disappear. It almost brings me to tears. As

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Speaker 1: I stood in the kitchen and spread butter, probably too

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Speaker 1: much butter on my healthy, gluten free banana cake that

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Speaker 1: you had made, and listen to the girls, I thought,

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Speaker 1: I want this moment to last forever. This is heaven.

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Speaker 1: My old do better tomorrow is how can we have

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Speaker 1: number one more of those moments then number two? How

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Speaker 1: can we be in those moments and inhaled them. How

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Speaker 1: can we absorb them? How can we emblaze them on

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Speaker 1: our memories? And I think the only way that you

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Speaker 1: can do it is to be absolutely present. I wasn't

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Speaker 1: interested in checking my emails, even though I hadn't looked

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Speaker 1: at them all day. Didn't really care if I had

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Speaker 1: any social media notifications.

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Speaker 2: The fact that you had delicious banana bread in your hands,

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Speaker 2: it may have sweetened the moment it just.

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Speaker 1: Said to me. It did certainly keep me really present

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Speaker 1: and right there, but it was just this, I mean intention, mindfulness.

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Speaker 1: I want to do a quick experiment with you. You

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Speaker 1: might have done this with me before, and if you have,

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Speaker 1: then try not to try not to ruin it. I

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Speaker 1: want to do some quick maths with you. What's a

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Speaker 1: thousand plus forty.

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Speaker 2: One thousand and forty plus one thousand, two thousand and

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Speaker 2: forty plus thirty two thousand and seventy plus one thousand,

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Speaker 2: three thousand and seventy plus twenty three thousand and nineteen

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Speaker 2: plus one thousand, four thousand and ninety plus ten four

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Speaker 2: thousand and one hundred.

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Speaker 1: I think I've done this with you before. You were

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Speaker 1: paying too much attention. You knew what was coming. But

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Speaker 1: I'm going to know.

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Speaker 2: I'm not good at math so I needed to make

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Speaker 2: sure I wasn't going to make a fool of myself.

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Speaker 2: You've got the record, but none.

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Speaker 1: Well, I guess there's two things here. First, first thing,

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Speaker 1: you're saying you're not good at maths, so therefore you

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Speaker 1: had to pay attention on the same day that I

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Speaker 1: had this beautiful interaction with our daughters. I ran that

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Speaker 1: puzzle by a room of educators, probably one hundred school

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Speaker 1: teachers are sitting in the room, and the opening exercise,

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Speaker 1: the opening conversation piece for my keynote presentation for them

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Speaker 1: was let's do some simple maths and wake up your brain.

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Speaker 1: And when you get to four thousand and nine and

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Speaker 1: I say plus ten, the whole room and I've done

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Speaker 1: this with hundreds, No, I've done this with thousands of

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Speaker 1: people over the years. The whole room and maybe whoever's

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Speaker 1: listening to the podcast felt the same way. Everyone just

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Speaker 1: says five thousand. They go their mind lessly because you're

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Speaker 1: not good at maths. You are trying really hard to

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Speaker 1: be in the moment. Quite often they're in the room

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Speaker 1: and they're not so much in the moment, they're just

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Speaker 1: sort of on autopilot. And really, my take home messages

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Speaker 1: when it comes to our kids, we can't be on autopilot,

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Speaker 1: or maybe a better term for it would be we

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Speaker 1: can't be on auto parent. We need to be there

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Speaker 1: in the moment with them, paying attention. When we do it,

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Speaker 1: the moments are just so much richer. That's my I'll

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Speaker 1: do better tomorrow, be in the moment soak it up

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Speaker 1: because one day they're not going to be three, or seven,

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Speaker 1: or eleven or fourteen and seventeen. Again, Kylie, what's your

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Speaker 1: I'll do better tomorrow? We've teased it at the top

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Speaker 1: of the podcast. There's one day each month that will

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Speaker 1: make a bigger difference in your family's life and your

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Speaker 1: kid's life than just about anything else.

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Speaker 2: And beautifully from your message in that you have to

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Speaker 2: be intentional. I would love to attribute this to.

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Speaker 1: Our genius and prowess and brilliance as parents.

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Speaker 2: But this actually has to go to one of our listeners,

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Speaker 2: and I wish that I had taken note of their

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Speaker 2: name when I read their comment because it has stuck

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Speaker 2: with me. But they suggested that one of the things

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Speaker 2: they do in their home is they have a date

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Speaker 2: night with each of their children on the birth date

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Speaker 2: of each of them.

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Speaker 1: Right, So basically, if your child is born on the

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Speaker 1: second of May, every month January through December, on the second,

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Speaker 1: you have a date night or an outing of some kind.

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Speaker 1: Maybe it's a brecky, but you go and do something

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Speaker 1: to celebrate their birth day each month.

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Speaker 2: So it's not about celebrating their birthday, it's actually about

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Speaker 2: being intentional about making time.

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Speaker 1: Together break clariticase.

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Speaker 2: So I attempted to do it last year with moderate success.

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Speaker 2: It's a little bit tricky. There's six of them, and

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Speaker 2: our lives were very, very busy last year.

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Speaker 1: That is a lot of date nights or date days,

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Speaker 1: or mornings out or whatever. It's a lot.

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Speaker 2: But at the beginning of the year I recommitted that

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Speaker 2: this was something I really wanted to try. I sat

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Speaker 2: down and looked at my calendar. I actually marked out

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Speaker 2: the days that I would be required, and then I

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Speaker 2: worked out exactly what would make a meaningful experience for

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Speaker 2: each of our children. If we leave it to chance,

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Speaker 2: if we leave it to the last minute, we're going

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Speaker 2: to have a substandard experience. But if we are actually

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Speaker 2: really intentional, do you know what, this is something that

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Speaker 2: either my child's been dying to do forever and we

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Speaker 2: just have never got around to it, or this is

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Speaker 2: something that's going to light my child up. You are

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Speaker 2: going to build memories with your children in ways that

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Speaker 2: you won't otherwise do so because you are willing to

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Speaker 2: be so in the moment with them.

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Speaker 1: There's a podcast that I really like listening to who

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Speaker 1: says something along the lines of the definition of love

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Speaker 1: is bearing witness to one another's lives, and I love

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Speaker 1: that idea. It's about to get this, you have to

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Speaker 1: be together. You have to be considered and affectionate towards

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Speaker 1: one another and watch and participate and spend time in

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Speaker 1: one another's lives. That's how you show that you love them.

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Speaker 2: So the other day I took one of our girls

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Speaker 2: out for an early morning walk. She doesn't love getting

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Speaker 2: up too early, so this was a little.

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Speaker 1: Bit of a stretch for the statement of the month.

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Speaker 2: But I did sweeten the deal with an Assaiah bowl.

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Speaker 2: I don't know whoever came up with the idea or concept,

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Speaker 2: but to me, it is sunshine in a cup and

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Speaker 2: it is the best way to start a day.

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Speaker 1: I love that. I can't stand this stuff. I don't

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Speaker 1: know how you eat it. You've you've tried to force

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Speaker 1: feed it to me, and every time it's just like wow.

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Speaker 1: That is so especially.

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Speaker 2: When you put some payin nuts in there and you've

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Speaker 2: got the crunch and the sweet. Oh, it's just a

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Speaker 2: awesome I love it, but so does she, so she

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Speaker 2: doesn't want to pay for it though. So going on

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Speaker 2: a little date, have.

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Speaker 1: You noticed that none of our kids want to pay

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Speaker 1: for anything. It's always on us all the time. I

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Speaker 1: wonder if we were like that with our parents. Think so.

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Speaker 2: But part of the sunshine in a cup is being

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Speaker 2: able to sit down on the water's edge and to

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Speaker 2: just soak in the sun's rays and just that beautiful

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Speaker 2: positive energy from the ocean and lap it up. And

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Speaker 2: what's beautiful about that is sitting side by side and

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Speaker 2: being in that beautiful setting. Conversations that would not happen

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Speaker 2: any other way start to flow. And as I listened

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Speaker 2: to her share the things that she was really excited about,

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Speaker 2: I was blowing away how much growth has taken place,

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Speaker 2: even in the last six months.

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Speaker 1: Tangent on this, and it's a really important tangent for

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Speaker 1: any parent who has got a child who says, this

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Speaker 1: is what I want to do or this is the

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Speaker 1: path that I want to take. Some research that came

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Speaker 1: out some years ago from a researcher named Laura King.

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Speaker 1: She looked at this concept known as the best Possible

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Speaker 1: Future Self. Essentially, what it is is it's a projecting

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Speaker 1: yourself into the future and imagining in five or ten

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Speaker 1: years all the things that you want to have happened

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Speaker 1: having happened, so that you can see not just the

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Speaker 1: kind of life you're living, but the kind of person

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Speaker 1: you've become. It's really much more about character than career

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Speaker 1: and finances and aspiration. But what's fascinating about her research

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Speaker 1: is I can't remember it was her or some career researchers.

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Speaker 1: They took on this idea and said, well, that's great

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Speaker 1: if you've got a clear idea of what you want

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Speaker 1: to do, but there's potentially a whole lot of different

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Speaker 1: best possible future selves. What they found was when they

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Speaker 1: got people to do this experiment where they would imagine

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Speaker 1: themselves doing the thing that they dreamed of, but also

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Speaker 1: doing one or two other things that they hadn't really

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Speaker 1: dreamed of, but they might really like to do or

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Speaker 1: really like to try, things that are completely different to

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Speaker 1: their dream career or dream goal. They found that people

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Speaker 1: were much more balanced and much more relaxed about the future,

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Speaker 1: and their well being was higher, and their life satisfaction

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Speaker 1: was higher because they weren't so boldly completely wedded to

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Speaker 1: this one true path. What they started to understand was,

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Speaker 1: I can take the pressure off a bit because there

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Speaker 1: are a multitude of different things that I could do

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Speaker 1: that could still help me to be who I wanted

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Speaker 1: to be, develop how I wanted to develop, and make

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Speaker 1: a difference in the way that I'd like to do it.

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Speaker 1: So when I hear you tell that story, that sparks

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Speaker 1: joy and satisfaction and optimism for me because it makes

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Speaker 1: me think our daughter was initially rigidly fixed to a

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Speaker 1: specific career path, and now she's going there's any number

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Speaker 1: of options that might be suitable for me.

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Speaker 2: We were also able to talk about the things that

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Speaker 2: she was anxious about, the things that were worrying her

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Speaker 2: at the moment, the things that she was fearful of,

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Speaker 2: and just being able to sit there in again, without

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Speaker 2: the agenda, without the stress of everybody else in the

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Speaker 2: house moving and getting on with things. That intentional time

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Speaker 2: that's taken away from everything else meant that we could

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Speaker 2: sit there and I could actually listen here, offer support

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Speaker 2: and we could work through those challenges. You know, the

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Speaker 2: best thing to say to you kid when they're struggling

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Speaker 2: like that, what's the worst thing that could happen if

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Speaker 2: that happens. What's going to happen if you fail that class?

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Speaker 2: What's the worst thing is someone going to die? Is

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Speaker 2: it going to you know, like, is the world going

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Speaker 2: to erupt? No, You're going to have to do another class.

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Speaker 2: It's not the end of the world. Your teacher might

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Speaker 2: be able to give you an extension assignment, or you know,

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Speaker 2: like there's so many other possibilities, but they always we

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Speaker 2: human nature, we go to the worst possible case scenario.

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Speaker 2: So it's just it was just a really lovely, lovely

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Speaker 2: opportunity to have that moment, and I want more of them.

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Speaker 1: So to take our message for your old do better tomorrow.

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Speaker 2: Be intentional about finding moments that you can spend with

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Speaker 2: your child. It might be the structure that we've been

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Speaker 2: shared by one of our wonderful listeners if you're out there,

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Speaker 2: but it might be another way. You might do it

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Speaker 2: each weekend, or it might be a Sunday thing, whatever,

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Speaker 2: whatever works for your family. It is about making time

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Speaker 2: for each of your.

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Speaker 1: Children, one on one love A spelled T. I M

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Speaker 1: to our kids. We really hope that there's some helpful

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Speaker 1: take my message and inspiration from our older better tomorrow,

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Speaker 1: have a great weekend. The Happy Families podcast is produced

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Speaker 1: by Justin Roland. For more information and resources that will

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Speaker 1: make your family happier. We'd love for you to visit

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Speaker 1: us at happy families dot com dot au