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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.

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Speaker 2: Now being selfless is easy, when being selfless is fun.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum

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Speaker 1: and dad.

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Speaker 2: Hello, this is doctor Justin Coilson, the founder of Happy

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Speaker 2: Families dot com dot aum Channel nine's parental guidance co host,

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Speaker 2: parenting expert. I'm here with Kylie. Well, still not quite

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Speaker 2: here with Kylie. Kylie. Hello, Hello, I just want to

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Speaker 2: make sure you're there. We are not in the same

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Speaker 2: room when I'm in the same studio. For those who

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Speaker 2: have missed the podcast lately, Kylie is away. Kylie has

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Speaker 2: moved the family to the coast. We're moving to the coast.

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Speaker 2: In our entirety is a family in a few weeks time.

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Speaker 2: Right now, Kylie is there with the kids in rodin school,

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Speaker 2: and I'm still in Brisbane packing up the house, getting

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Speaker 2: the trades to come through and make everything ready for

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Speaker 2: it to be sold, and missing you terribly. But at

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Speaker 2: least we get to record the podcast together each day.

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Speaker 3: That's the highlight of my.

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Speaker 2: She says as she lounges on the beach watching the

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Speaker 2: waves roll in. Because you've done that. I want to

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Speaker 2: share something absolutely awful with you. But it's it's got

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Speaker 2: to be. It's got to be done, whether you like

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Speaker 2: it or not. We have got to do this because

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Speaker 2: in the last week or so, baby Shark has become

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Speaker 2: the number one YouTube clip ever in the history of

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Speaker 2: the world, with more than ten billion views. How does

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Speaker 2: that happen?

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Speaker 1: Baby checked it, Baby checked it, baby shake?

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Speaker 2: And I just wanted to share that with you, Kylie,

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Speaker 2: because if you're going to be on the beach on

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Speaker 2: the sands of the coasts, wouldn't it be great to

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Speaker 2: have that buzzing through your head?

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Speaker 3: Oh? Thank you, thank you very much.

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Speaker 2: That kind of ties in with our topic today. We've

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Speaker 2: had somebody send us a message and say, my kids

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Speaker 2: are so selfish? How do I teach my kids to

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Speaker 2: not be so selfish? And we thought that we would

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Speaker 2: answer that because like this happens, right, we look at

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Speaker 2: our kids and we think, oh, my goodness, how did

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Speaker 2: I birth you? How did I raise you? Haven't I

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Speaker 2: taught you better? How's it going with the selfishness with

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Speaker 2: the kids? I mean, you're in a three bedroom, one

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Speaker 2: bathroom unit with four daughters right now. I've got one

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Speaker 2: of them down here. The other ones moved out and married.

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Speaker 2: How's the selfishness going around the bathroom? In that little

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Speaker 2: unit that you're in.

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Speaker 3: There's a rule now that you actually can't lock the door.

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Speaker 3: There's only one bathroom. You just have to deal with

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Speaker 3: the fact that you may be walked in on at

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Speaker 3: the moment.

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Speaker 2: So when I arrive on the weekend so that we

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Speaker 2: can share some time together, can we change that rule? Please?

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Speaker 3: There's no lock.

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Speaker 2: There's really there's no lock on the door, not in

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Speaker 2: the bedroom, but brought about in the bathroom.

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Speaker 3: Oh yes, in the bathroom you can lock the door.

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Speaker 2: Okay, you confuse me for a second. And next week

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Speaker 2: we're going to follow up on the you know what.

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Speaker 2: Before we get to this idea of selfishness, there's one

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Speaker 2: more thing that I've got to mention. A couple of

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Speaker 2: days ago, we had a conversation of Caught in the Act.

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Speaker 2: You remember that podcast episode?

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Speaker 3: How could I forget?

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Speaker 4: Well?

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Speaker 2: One of our employees, one of our team members I

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Speaker 2: won't mention, which shared her Court in the Act story

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Speaker 2: with me the other day. Oh oh yeah, the baby

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Speaker 2: monitor was downstairs. Oh and so were the entire family.

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Speaker 2: While she and her husband were in the bedroom and

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Speaker 2: everyone heard everything. No, isn't that terrible? Anyway, We're all

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Speaker 2: over the place with this podcast. You're on the coast,

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Speaker 2: I'm in Brisbane. Baby Shark has had more than ten

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Speaker 2: billion views and is the most watched YouTube clip in

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Speaker 2: the history of ever. And we've had somebody who was

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Speaker 2: caught in the act in a way that you would

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Speaker 2: never want to be caught in the act. Let's talk

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Speaker 2: about the topic for today, Kylie, teaching our kids to

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Speaker 2: be less selfish. So the kids are fighting over the bathroom,

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Speaker 2: and there is that temptation, isn't there Like when you've

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Speaker 2: got lollies and no one else has got it. It's

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Speaker 2: kind of fun, isn't it to just go? Oh? Like

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Speaker 2: when you were a kid, did you used to eat

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Speaker 2: your ice cream slower than your sisters so that yours

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Speaker 2: would last longer, And then they would look at you

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Speaker 2: longingly as you continued to lick that ice cream right

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Speaker 2: in front of their faces.

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Speaker 3: Never, Oh, I hated.

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Speaker 2: And what about bags of chips? You'd buy a bag

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Speaker 2: of chips and eat your chips really slowly, one creaking No, I.

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Speaker 5: Don't know how to do anything slowly, but my sister.

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Speaker 5: She did that all the time. She used to literally

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Speaker 5: we'd get Mars bars as kids.

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Speaker 3: That was a really big treat for us.

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Speaker 5: And she would eat all of the casing of chocolate

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Speaker 5: on the outside first, and then she'd eat the newga

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Speaker 5: layer and then she eat the caramel layer until she

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Speaker 5: ate the last player. What a mess, but what it

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Speaker 5: was the most painful thing to watch because I'd finished

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Speaker 5: mine like half an hour ago.

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Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah, so I mean. And I used to

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Speaker 2: do that to my sisters and my brother all the time.

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Speaker 2: I just tease them and I would literally as they'd

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Speaker 2: finish theirs, I'd still have half a packet of whatever

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Speaker 2: it was left, and I'd go, m this is so

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Speaker 2: good as I ate it in their face, in their face,

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Speaker 2: so selfish. So we've got this parent who's saying, how

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Speaker 2: do we help the kids to not be so selfish?

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Speaker 2: And you know what, my first.

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Speaker 3: Tip is, tell me tell me now.

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Speaker 2: First tip. This is so weird doing a podcast with

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Speaker 2: you and having you not in the room. My first

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Speaker 2: tip is, remember what you were like as a kid,

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Speaker 2: because my guess is that you probably weren't the angel

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Speaker 2: you think you were, and there's probably maybe I'm revealing

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Speaker 2: too much about myself, but there's probably some history there.

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Speaker 2: There's probably a whole lot of things that you did

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Speaker 2: when you were a kid that were selfish, that were entitled.

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Speaker 2: Parents are always saying, oh, my kids are so entitled.

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Speaker 2: But do you remember, Kylie, were you entitled as a child?

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Speaker 3: If you ask my mum, I was the perfect child.

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Speaker 2: Right, Actually, your mum does speak very highly of how

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Speaker 2: good you were. But I think that's a.

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Speaker 5: Really important concept here, is that more times than not,

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Speaker 5: our children won't display selfishness one hundred percent of the time,

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Speaker 5: and if we are constantly focused on the times that

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Speaker 5: they do, we actually miss the times that they're not.

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Speaker 5: Before we actually started, according you when I spoke about

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Speaker 5: our children and the different characteristics that they demonstrate, and

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Speaker 5: we've got a few kids who from time to time

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Speaker 5: can be really really selfish.

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Speaker 3: But then you highlighted a bit.

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Speaker 5: Hang on a sec, you know, think about this time

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Speaker 5: and this time and this time, and all of a sudden,

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Speaker 5: it's like, well, actually, you're exactly right.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, when you change the way you see your child,

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Speaker 2: you actually kind of change your child. You actually change

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Speaker 2: who they are, You change the way they exist. You

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Speaker 2: get a different child. It's kind of like when you're

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Speaker 2: looking for all of the problems, you'll find them, but

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Speaker 2: if you only look for the good stuff, you'll see

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Speaker 2: that as well. And that's really what we're talking about

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Speaker 2: with these kids. I mean, sometimes I look at them

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Speaker 2: and think no, just no. And other times I think

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Speaker 2: you are such an angel. You are so sweet, you're

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Speaker 2: so unselfish. That was so kind, and so I think

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Speaker 2: we've got to just remember that. Oh and you know

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Speaker 2: what else, Kylie, let's just look at us for a moment.

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Speaker 2: As parents like you and I and any parent who's

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Speaker 2: listening to this, we get cranky.

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Speaker 3: You can never ever share a wisp bar.

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Speaker 2: You get cranky. Well, we get cranky at the kids.

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Speaker 2: I won't share my wheel bars full stop in story,

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Speaker 2: Like my wheeze bars are not negotiable.

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Speaker 3: You don't even share them with me.

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Speaker 2: Their dad's special treat, but every parent has. Maybe it's

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Speaker 2: maybe it's not about sharing treats or something like that,

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Speaker 2: But every now and again, as parents, we like, I

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Speaker 2: just want some time for me. I just I want

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Speaker 2: to be selfish for half an hour. I want I

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Speaker 2: want to go to the toilet in peace, for goodness, sakes,

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Speaker 2: and I think that as parents we.

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Speaker 3: Have that being selfish.

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Speaker 2: Well, no, and I'm not saying that that's selfish. I

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Speaker 2: think that it's a basic human right to be allowed

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Speaker 2: to toilet.

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Speaker 5: I think about our girls, and I think about the times.

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Speaker 5: You know, a context matters. If you've got a child

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Speaker 5: who's been working a part time job and she saved

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Speaker 5: up some money and she's brought herself a beautiful new

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Speaker 5: dress and her sister walks in twenty four hours after

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Speaker 5: she brought it and asks if she can wear it to,

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Speaker 5: you know, her friend's birthday party, and she says no.

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Speaker 3: Is she being selfish?

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Speaker 2: Yeah? What a great question. And that's something that every

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Speaker 2: family is going to navigate as they as they deal

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Speaker 2: with kids who have just received that Christmas present or

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Speaker 2: that Birthday present? Do you have to share your birthday

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Speaker 2: present an hour after you unwrapped it and pulled it

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Speaker 2: out of the box. We sometimes and I think this

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Speaker 2: kind of ties in with the second thing that I

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Speaker 2: want to highlight, and that is the developmental realities. Sometimes,

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Speaker 2: our expectations, sometimes our children's capacity to do things comes

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Speaker 2: down to the context. It's everything, And I'm glad you

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Speaker 2: raised it after the break. Three more ideas to help

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Speaker 2: your kids to be less selfish. It's the Happy Families podcast.

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Speaker 4: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having

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Speaker 4: to feel bad or in trouble. The do's and don'ts

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Speaker 4: of Disciplined as a webinar to help parents set limits

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Speaker 4: with love, compassion and humanity. Find it now at happy

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Speaker 4: families dot com dot au slash shop.

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Speaker 5: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time

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Speaker 5: poor parent who just wants answers now, and today we're

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Speaker 5: talking about how we can teach our children to not

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Speaker 5: be so selfish.

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Speaker 2: Three other ideas that I think can really help to

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Speaker 2: reduce selfishness with our kids. The first one that I'm

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Speaker 2: going to recommend Kylie, is basic manners. Like there's some

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Speaker 2: people we'll say kids don't need manners. I'm not going

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Speaker 2: to teach my kids manners. They can use their man

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Speaker 2: as if they want to, but I'm not going to

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Speaker 2: enforce it. I'm not going to demand it. And I

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Speaker 2: reject that idea for the fundamental reason that when you

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Speaker 2: teach children manners, you're teaching them to be considerate of others,

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Speaker 2: You're teaching them to take perspective to have some empathy,

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Speaker 2: to express a level of gratitude, even if it's a

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Speaker 2: basic level of gratitude. I think that if we want

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Speaker 2: to have kids who are not selfish, we need to

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Speaker 2: teach them to say please and thank you. We need

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Speaker 2: to offer them that guidance. My fourth idea, Kylie, for

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Speaker 2: helping us to raise children to be less selfish is

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Speaker 2: to actually make helping fun.

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Speaker 5: We've talked about there's lots on the podcast over the

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Speaker 5: years of different things that we do to kind of

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Speaker 5: encourage our children's participation.

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Speaker 3: Around the house.

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Speaker 5: Our hands down most successful, I want to say tactic

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Speaker 5: would be our ten minute tidy. Yeah, put on some

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Speaker 5: fun music and you know, it can be as loud

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Speaker 5: as the neighbors can take or not, and everybody just

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Speaker 5: gets in and gets stuff done.

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Speaker 2: There's kind of this expectation in our kids' head, isn't there,

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Speaker 2: that if I'm going to do something selfless, it's going

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Speaker 2: to be hard and horrible and I'm going to miss out.

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Speaker 2: Whereas when I'm selfish it kind of feels good because

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Speaker 2: I get what I want. And by reframing it by

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Speaker 2: making helping fun, not only we considering the perspective another

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Speaker 2: person we've got some empathy and recognize that there's a

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Speaker 2: contribution that everyone needs to make. But being selfless is easy.

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Speaker 2: When being selfless is fun, When the kids can, like

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Speaker 2: you said, crank up the music, when they can have

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Speaker 2: time together with us, it makes it much easier to

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Speaker 2: be selfless rather than selfish.

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Speaker 5: I'm hoping that we've got some polarity out of all

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Speaker 5: of the things we've shared.

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Speaker 3: So can we just do a recap?

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Speaker 2: Yeah? Yeah, let's do a quick summary. So, first of all,

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Speaker 2: your kids are kids, and you're probably selfish when you

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Speaker 2: were a kid. They're probably selfish when they're kids, and

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Speaker 2: that's normal, it's developmentally appropriate. And they're not always selfish.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes there are anything, But sometimes they're so giving and

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Speaker 2: so selfless. So let's focus on that stuff rather than

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Speaker 2: the rough stuff and just accept that the rough stuff

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Speaker 2: is going to exist.

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Speaker 3: We talked about basic manners.

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Speaker 5: Teaching our kids to say please and thank you and

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Speaker 5: having a sense of gratitude and being able to articulate

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Speaker 5: the things that they're grateful for would really help.

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Speaker 2: And the last couple of things we talked about was

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Speaker 2: make helping fun because it's really easy to be selfless

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Speaker 2: when you're enjoying yourself and encourage psychological flexibility. We really

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Speaker 2: hope that you've enjoyed the Happy Families podcasts, even if

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Speaker 2: it's coming to you in a kind of a strange way.

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Speaker 2: Can't wait to see it, Kylie. The Happy Families podcast

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Speaker 2: is produced by Justin Rulan from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce

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Speaker 2: is our executive producer. And if you like more and

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Speaker 2: ful about making your family happier, especially how you can

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Speaker 2: be better together as a couple, We've got a brand

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Speaker 2: new webinar coming up for Happy Families members. It's included

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Speaker 2: in your membership. If you're not a Happy Family's member,

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Speaker 2: this is one that you won't want to miss. All

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Speaker 2: of my best relationship hacks and tips, all of their

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Speaker 2: science and evidence to help your relationship thrive of even

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Speaker 2: with the kids around. For more and visit happy families

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Speaker 2: dot com today you

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Speaker 3: M