WEBVTT - Exactly How Long Does It Take To Become A Close Friend? 📆

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<v Speaker 1>Flex and Rooms Flex and Frooms. This is the Flex

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<v Speaker 1>and Frooms catch up podcast.

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<v Speaker 2>It is Flex and Rooms on CAT. We talk a

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<v Speaker 2>lot about friendships because they matter. I have it on

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<v Speaker 2>good authority that if you want to live a good,

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<v Speaker 2>healthy life, the friendships and the relationships that you build

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<v Speaker 2>are fundamental equal to physical health according to some studies.

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<v Speaker 2>In this instance, you know, I've in particular, spoken a

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<v Speaker 2>lot about the way that I segment my friends. It's

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<v Speaker 2>not a science and it's not really a fine line.

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<v Speaker 2>But I know that I have my best best friends,

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<v Speaker 2>my close friends. And this is not a number defined

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<v Speaker 2>by time, just more like feelings, like who I'm being

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<v Speaker 2>the most intimate with, who I'm sharing a lot within it.

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<v Speaker 2>At any given time. I've got acquaintances, I've got peers

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<v Speaker 2>and colleagues, and I've got strangers. All these people I

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<v Speaker 2>can be buddy buddy with, chummy with, share a lot with,

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<v Speaker 2>But the deepness has to come with a close friend

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<v Speaker 2>and a best friend. And I was thinking to myself,

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<v Speaker 2>how many hours would it actually take for someone to

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<v Speaker 2>become a close friend if we need to really break

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<v Speaker 2>that down, Because I feel that a lot of people

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<v Speaker 2>think you know one or two parties, a few deep conversations,

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<v Speaker 2>we should be on our way, But really it could

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<v Speaker 2>take one hundred hours, two hundred hours including in your life, talking, texting, facetiming.

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<v Speaker 3>You know.

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<v Speaker 2>Anyway, there's this TikTok here from Anyway. There's TikTok he

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<v Speaker 2>from Hannah gets hired and she has some insight for us.

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<v Speaker 4>Don't have enough friends as an adult.

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<v Speaker 3>So if you feel like you don't have enough friends

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<v Speaker 3>as an adult, then you're probably just.

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<v Speaker 4>Not working hard enough.

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<v Speaker 3>At the risk of sounding like a complete asshole, let

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<v Speaker 3>me explain what I mean. There's this study that was

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<v Speaker 3>done several years ago about making friendships as an adult

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<v Speaker 3>that lives rent free in my brain.

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<v Speaker 4>You've heard of like the ten thousand hour logic.

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<v Speaker 3>Right, Like, to master a skill, you need to spend

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<v Speaker 3>ten thousand hours doing it. Friendships work in a similar way,

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<v Speaker 3>but you need actually a lot less time. This study

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<v Speaker 3>literally quantify the number of hours that it takes to

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<v Speaker 3>consider somebody a friend of varying degrees. I find this

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<v Speaker 3>so interesting because making new friends can be such a

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<v Speaker 3>painful process. It's kind of like dating, and like it's

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<v Speaker 3>really awkward.

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<v Speaker 4>You have to hang out and see if.

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<v Speaker 3>You vibe and like put the reps in in.

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<v Speaker 4>Order to find your people.

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<v Speaker 3>So this study looked at a ton of different factors,

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<v Speaker 3>like the amount of brain space you actually have to

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<v Speaker 3>maintain friends, the way you spend time with friends, whether

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<v Speaker 3>you're at work or you're like actually hanging out together,

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<v Speaker 3>and the opportunity cost of hanging out.

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<v Speaker 4>With some people over others.

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<v Speaker 3>And this study found that it only actually takes fifty

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<v Speaker 3>hours to consider somebody a friend, ninety hours to consider

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<v Speaker 3>somebody a good friend, and two hundred hours to consider

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<v Speaker 3>somebody a close friend.

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<v Speaker 4>Two hundred hours is not a lot of time. That

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<v Speaker 4>is about nine days.

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<v Speaker 3>Ever since I've learned about this, I always kind of

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<v Speaker 3>have in the back of my mind whenever I go

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<v Speaker 3>hang out with friends, especially newer ones, accumulative accumulative clock

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<v Speaker 3>of how much time we've spent together and what kind

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<v Speaker 3>of progress we've made according to.

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<v Speaker 4>This timeline in our friendship. Call me crazy right now.

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<v Speaker 3>And if you're an adult and you feel like you're

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<v Speaker 3>missing close relationships from your life, like maybe you move

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<v Speaker 3>to a new city or all your friends moved to

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<v Speaker 3>a new city, or you switch schools or whatever it is,

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<v Speaker 3>I hope that this study can give you.

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<v Speaker 4>We got the point.

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<v Speaker 2>Yes, two hundred hours to become a close friend. She

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<v Speaker 2>did say that's nine days if we're doing twenty four

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<v Speaker 2>hour hangs. I'm sure, But I want to debate this

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<v Speaker 2>a little bit on our podcast Flex and Rooms anywhere

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<v Speaker 2>you get good podcasts, four point nine stars, heaps of ratings.

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<v Speaker 2>Do we actually feel that this is true? And for

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<v Speaker 2>the most part, do we feel like it's worth the investment.

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<v Speaker 2>I think two hundred hours for a close friend feels

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<v Speaker 2>like a fair investment. Yeah, However, the fifty or ninety

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<v Speaker 2>or one hundred hours it takes you to invest in

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<v Speaker 2>someone before you even know if there will be a

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<v Speaker 2>close friend a different story. I find it hard to

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<v Speaker 2>articulate to a lot of people that I like building relationships.

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<v Speaker 2>I don't want a lot of friends. Yes, you're my

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<v Speaker 2>newest friend, major, major, you know, and like that's this

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<v Speaker 2>is we're pushing two years or something, and this is

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<v Speaker 2>two years of a lot of talking, not just here

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<v Speaker 2>on air. We're facetiming, we're texting constantly, We're sharing into

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<v Speaker 2>personal stories. We're adding layers, we're giving each other advice,

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<v Speaker 2>we're feeding in, we're introducing each other, to our other friends.

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<v Speaker 2>We're creating networks. A lot of time has been put in.

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<v Speaker 2>It's worth it. I'm not looking for new friends like that.

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<v Speaker 2>But I love chit chatting and hanging it out and

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<v Speaker 2>so and so and so, and I think it comes

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<v Speaker 2>across to a lot of people as quite noncommittal or

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<v Speaker 2>a little bit demeaning, right when I try to explain that, like,

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<v Speaker 2>I want to be social with other people, I don't

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<v Speaker 2>want new friends. I know the responsibility of being a

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<v Speaker 2>good friend. I don't have the time to do that.

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<v Speaker 2>I don't want to do that. Yes, so with the

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<v Speaker 2>friends I have already struggling, you know, Okay, okay, we've

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<v Speaker 2>merged these groups. Now we can hang out all together.

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<v Speaker 2>And that's sort of. But I live here and you

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<v Speaker 2>live here. Now you're getting engaged and so on and

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<v Speaker 2>so forth, and I don't trust a lot of you, bitches.

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<v Speaker 2>It's the point blank. Too many of you aren't interesting enough.

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<v Speaker 2>I like the people I have on my sight, but

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<v Speaker 2>also I think a lot of people do their best

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<v Speaker 2>work in acquaintanceships when you just go. You meet for

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<v Speaker 2>that moment, you meet for that birthday party, you meet

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<v Speaker 2>for that coffee and you.

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<v Speaker 1>Let it go, Keven.

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<v Speaker 2>As soon as there's an expectation of what this requires,

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<v Speaker 2>it gets difficult. That's why a lot of people love

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<v Speaker 2>casually dating, because it's nice to dip in, get that intimacy,

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<v Speaker 2>and go because what's required. The responsibility gets too difficult,

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<v Speaker 2>and it's trickier to respect in a romantic situation because

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<v Speaker 2>the stakes feel kind of high for me. If with

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<v Speaker 2>friendships the stakes feel higher, true, I don't need new

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<v Speaker 2>friends like that, because it really does change your life.

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<v Speaker 2>You absorb so much at ly as I do, I

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<v Speaker 2>become quite immeshed with my friends. We're like sharing lives.

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<v Speaker 2>At a point, I've gotta be careful. It's treacherous waters.

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<v Speaker 1>Can't get any little parasites in there. I think you

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<v Speaker 1>make a really good point, because I'm someone who would

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<v Speaker 1>say the opposite of you, being like, no, I always

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<v Speaker 1>want to make new friends. So when I get it

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<v Speaker 1>when people are like, wait, what do you? What do you?

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<v Speaker 1>What does FLEX mean by like she already has enough friends?

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<v Speaker 1>Like that sounds almost antisocial? Dare I say? But when

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<v Speaker 1>you you have like a very considered understanding of what

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<v Speaker 1>friendship is. When I think I always want new friends,

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<v Speaker 1>I just think like I want another person to hang.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't actually think of a friendship as what it is,

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<v Speaker 1>which is a give and take and you actually only

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<v Speaker 1>do have a finite amount of resources to give and

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<v Speaker 1>to take. So you're just being intentional about it. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>So it makes sense when it's when when you like

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<v Speaker 1>position friendship as something that is like quantifiable as this

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<v Speaker 1>woman has, as a give and a take and a

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<v Speaker 1>kind of time thing, then it makes like I don't

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<v Speaker 1>want you friends to be you know.

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<v Speaker 2>It, another job. Yes, I already have one heaps heaps

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<v Speaker 2>the time in this current job. I don't need another job.

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<v Speaker 2>So but with that in mind, like I said before,

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<v Speaker 2>I like this idea of I think that close friends

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<v Speaker 2>are really worth the investment. But I also respect the

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<v Speaker 2>time it takes to build close friends. And I'm not

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<v Speaker 2>a patient person at all in any area of my

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<v Speaker 2>life really, but friendship is an area where I'm like,

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<v Speaker 2>I'll see how.

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<v Speaker 4>We go with this one. I'll let it build. I'll

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<v Speaker 4>see how we go.

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<v Speaker 2>Because you know, I don't think a lot of us

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<v Speaker 2>are mindful that proximity gives us the illusion of a

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<v Speaker 2>closer friendship than we have. And so when the proximity

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<v Speaker 2>is not long a convenient. We're not living in the

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<v Speaker 2>same suburb, we're not going to the same place, you

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<v Speaker 2>don't work in the same place, you don't go to.

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<v Speaker 1>The same school.

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<v Speaker 2>It gets difficult to build on the friendship. It's still there,

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<v Speaker 2>but you also know, like it's easier because we have

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<v Speaker 2>the same friends, our boyfriends are best friends, whatever it

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<v Speaker 2>might be, and so like you let things take their

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<v Speaker 2>natural course. But I've had a few situations where people

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<v Speaker 2>haven't seen the friendship like I've seen it. They haven't

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<v Speaker 2>seen it be this proximity things, and it's kind like, well, wait,

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<v Speaker 2>what happened. I'm like, oh, you were just dating a

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<v Speaker 2>friend of mine and that's why we were friends. They're

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<v Speaker 2>not dating anymore. Or you were close friends with someone

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<v Speaker 2>I'm not close friends with any more, and that was

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<v Speaker 2>the conduit. Like I only ever hung out with you

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<v Speaker 2>in the context of being invited by them.

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<v Speaker 1>I love how literally you are with it, like, but

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<v Speaker 1>to me, it.

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<v Speaker 4>Kind of is literal.

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<v Speaker 2>I just think that before and this is definitely a

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<v Speaker 2>coping mechanism of some sort, because before I used to

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<v Speaker 2>be far more free with it, and it caused way

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<v Speaker 2>more problems than added joy into my life. I think

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<v Speaker 2>that it's really hard to be to be picky. It's

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<v Speaker 2>really hard to be super intentional in some part to

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<v Speaker 2>your air. Sorry, it's really hard to be very intentional

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<v Speaker 2>in some areas of your life and willing nearly with

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<v Speaker 2>the others because they contradict in a way that confuses

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<v Speaker 2>your behavior and makes you confusing to other people. I

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<v Speaker 2>like people knowing where they stand with me. It's really

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<v Speaker 2>important that my friends know like, I've chosen you, I'm

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<v Speaker 2>dedicated to your responsible, I'm responsible for you and everybody

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<v Speaker 2>else enjoy the gray area of us just being people

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<v Speaker 2>who get to interact. No, but it's it's not that

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<v Speaker 2>I don't hate people, but I'm also like, let's say

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<v Speaker 2>there are people that I've probably clocked in a total

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<v Speaker 2>of one hour of interactions with through like cute high

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<v Speaker 2>buys and conversations at parties.

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<v Speaker 4>We haven't got there yet.

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<v Speaker 2>And it's interesting though, because I think I've had a

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<v Speaker 2>lot of I remember I was a fashion week last

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<v Speaker 2>year and this girl comes up to me and she

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<v Speaker 2>was like, I'm gonna crack you. We're gonna be friends,

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<v Speaker 2>can you imagine? And I was like, I get what

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<v Speaker 2>you're saying, and this feels enthusiastic, but like the commodity

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<v Speaker 2>of the way that you're approaching this relationship is like

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<v Speaker 2>what is it? The commodity of how they are approaching

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<v Speaker 2>the relationship is what I think people think I'm doing

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<v Speaker 2>where I'm like tallying up how many times we've got

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<v Speaker 2>to see each other before we become friends. I want that.

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<v Speaker 2>I want to give it time to build. I want

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<v Speaker 2>you to know what you're really getting into. Like Free

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<v Speaker 2>me knows I'm a moody bitch. You don't know that.

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<v Speaker 2>You don't feel it, but Free knows I'm generous. You

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<v Speaker 2>won't know that, and you're not gonna know until you've

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<v Speaker 2>clocked in another two hundred hours back.

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<v Speaker 1>When you get in the airporter abury, Yeah, yeah, thank

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<v Speaker 1>you very much.

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<v Speaker 2>When you're on each other's feeding schedules, then you'll know.

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<v Speaker 2>And I feel like I'm making I want to make

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<v Speaker 2>friends for life. I'm thinking the people who am like

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<v Speaker 2>in ten years time, like, my kids know your kids,

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<v Speaker 2>and my kid might have pulled your kids hair, but

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<v Speaker 2>it's all love.

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<v Speaker 1>Our kids will end up dating, so it's all chill.

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<v Speaker 4>Oh, I can't wait your flexing Frooms. You've been listening

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<v Speaker 4>to the Flex and Frooms Daily podcast.

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<v Speaker 1>For more, tune in de cater on DAB or stream

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<v Speaker 1>it on iHeartRadio.