1 00:00:05,920 --> 00:00:08,959 Speaker 1: Hello and welcome to the Happy Families podcast. The research 2 00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:14,600 Speaker 1: is bleak. Approximately seventeen percent one in six Australians aged 3 00:00:14,680 --> 00:00:21,400 Speaker 1: fifteen and above reports feeling lonely. Social isolation is high. 4 00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:25,520 Speaker 1: In fact, with young people between fifteen and twenty five, 5 00:00:26,120 --> 00:00:30,560 Speaker 1: forty three percent say that they are lonely. Now, if 6 00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:34,360 Speaker 1: you compare that to historical trends, historically it was always 7 00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:37,280 Speaker 1: the older Australians that were the loneliest. But we keep 8 00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:40,239 Speaker 1: on seeing younger and younger people feeling lonely. The thing is, 9 00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:41,800 Speaker 1: it's not just young people and. 10 00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:43,160 Speaker 2: It's not just old people. 11 00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:46,920 Speaker 1: It's kind of everybody because everybody is what's the word, 12 00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:50,600 Speaker 1: Oh that's right, so busy well. Today on the Happy 13 00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:53,280 Speaker 1: Families podcasts, we share some advice, not so much for 14 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:56,760 Speaker 1: the kids, but for us as adults on how we 15 00:00:56,800 --> 00:01:01,960 Speaker 1: can strengthen relationships, build relationships and make friendships feel fantastic. 16 00:01:02,080 --> 00:01:03,040 Speaker 2: Stay with us. 17 00:01:05,319 --> 00:01:07,440 Speaker 1: Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families podcast, where you get 18 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:10,959 Speaker 1: real parenting solutions, real well beeat solutions every single day. 19 00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:13,479 Speaker 1: This is Australia's most download parenting podcast. We are Justin 20 00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:17,720 Speaker 1: and Kylie Colson. Kylie, we've experienced loneliness We've moved house 21 00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:20,800 Speaker 1: a number of times, including several interstate moves over the decades, 22 00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:23,040 Speaker 1: and we've had to start again. We've had to make 23 00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:27,080 Speaker 1: friends many, many times today on the Pod, three ideas 24 00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:30,520 Speaker 1: to help make friendships happen when you're a grown up 25 00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:33,120 Speaker 1: and reaching out can feel a little bit tricky. 26 00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:35,679 Speaker 3: In the early stages when you and I were moving 27 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:37,280 Speaker 3: fairly regularly on. 28 00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:42,399 Speaker 1: My radio career, yeah, Yupoon Rockampton, Brisbane, one of all 29 00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:44,480 Speaker 1: Newcastle back to Brisbane. 30 00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:44,760 Speaker 2: Yep. 31 00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:49,600 Speaker 3: I was super blessed with a very gregarious eighteen month 32 00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:53,400 Speaker 3: old little girl who just loved people. 33 00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:54,280 Speaker 2: Yep, yep. Yeah. 34 00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:57,720 Speaker 3: We would literally go to the park and by the 35 00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:01,280 Speaker 3: time we had finished at the park, she had dragged 36 00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:05,680 Speaker 3: me over to meet some mum and we became friends. 37 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:06,120 Speaker 2: Yeah. 38 00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:08,120 Speaker 3: We would say let's meet up at the park tomorrow. 39 00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:10,640 Speaker 3: Our kids got on really well, and then we'd meet 40 00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:12,280 Speaker 3: up at the park the next day, and then the 41 00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:13,880 Speaker 3: next day, and before you knew it. 42 00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,560 Speaker 1: I think that's unusual. I've got to say, like, I don't. 43 00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:18,120 Speaker 1: Do you think that's still happening. 44 00:02:18,440 --> 00:02:20,959 Speaker 3: I don't. I don't think it happens very often at all. 45 00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:23,560 Speaker 1: We kind of retreat to our phones, the kids are playing, 46 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:25,480 Speaker 1: we folks on the kids, then we folks on our phone. 47 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:27,400 Speaker 1: Then we get out of there before anybody puts us 48 00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:30,480 Speaker 1: in an uncomfortable position. Makes things feel a little bit awkward. 49 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:33,320 Speaker 3: We watched that happen literally in the lift the other day. 50 00:02:33,639 --> 00:02:35,400 Speaker 3: We got in the lift and somebody else got in, 51 00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:37,160 Speaker 3: and as soon as they realized there was somebody else 52 00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:39,520 Speaker 3: in the lift, they pulled their phone out so they 53 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:41,640 Speaker 3: didn't have to make eye contact or small. 54 00:02:41,639 --> 00:02:43,720 Speaker 1: They almost got back out of the lift, except the 55 00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:45,360 Speaker 1: door was closing and they were a little bit too 56 00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:47,640 Speaker 1: late for that. There's going to be a guest on 57 00:02:47,639 --> 00:02:50,519 Speaker 1: the Heavy Families podcast soon who talks about how human 58 00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:53,919 Speaker 1: socialization works. I'm going to be interviewing him just in 59 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,040 Speaker 1: the next few days. The interview will show up shortly. 60 00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:59,680 Speaker 1: But he had this fascinating study where he stopped people 61 00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:03,799 Speaker 1: as I were getting on the train in Pennsylvania heading 62 00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:07,680 Speaker 1: into New York City for work. And you've been on 63 00:03:07,919 --> 00:03:10,440 Speaker 1: the train in New York City, nobody talks. Everybody sits there. 64 00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:12,680 Speaker 1: It's kind of scary, except for the people who were 65 00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:14,359 Speaker 1: dancing or singing or going a litt bit crazy. 66 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:16,280 Speaker 3: But except for the night we sat on the train 67 00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:18,600 Speaker 3: and this guy literally fell asleep. 68 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:18,960 Speaker 2: When you were shot. 69 00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:21,480 Speaker 1: Well, there was that as well. Yeah, and then there 70 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:24,360 Speaker 1: are the times where we've started conversations with people because 71 00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:26,280 Speaker 1: we've been a bit lost, a little bit uncertain about 72 00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:28,240 Speaker 1: what's going on. But generally speaking, people don't talk to 73 00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:32,280 Speaker 1: random strangers on public transport. And this researcher, he would 74 00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:35,120 Speaker 1: say to people, I want to do a quick well 75 00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:36,600 Speaker 1: being test. Can you fill in this or can you 76 00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:38,400 Speaker 1: tell me? Can you answer these three questions about your 77 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:41,040 Speaker 1: well being? And then he would literally say, when you 78 00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:43,040 Speaker 1: get on the train, I'd like you to talk to somebody, 79 00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:45,160 Speaker 1: talk to a stranger, have a chat, have a random 80 00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:48,400 Speaker 1: conversation with somebody. How do you feel about that? And 81 00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:51,320 Speaker 1: people were just consistently saying, no way, this is nuts. 82 00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:53,240 Speaker 2: I don't feel comfortable. This does not feel nice. 83 00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:55,120 Speaker 1: And you're like, well, do it and give me a number, 84 00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:56,839 Speaker 1: and I want to follow up and see how it went. 85 00:03:57,280 --> 00:03:59,600 Speaker 1: And what he found was invariably people who did it 86 00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:02,520 Speaker 1: reported higher levels of well being. Like we just we 87 00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:04,360 Speaker 1: crave connection. We love it when we go down to 88 00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:06,400 Speaker 1: the local cafe and they know our name and they 89 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:08,720 Speaker 1: call out our name and they've got our order right, 90 00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:10,880 Speaker 1: or when they see us and they smile in their 91 00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:12,480 Speaker 1: eyes light up because they know who we are and 92 00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:13,280 Speaker 1: that we're a regular. 93 00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:15,240 Speaker 2: Whatever it is, we crave. 94 00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:17,839 Speaker 1: Connection, and yet we seem to push away from it. 95 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:21,080 Speaker 1: So three things, Three things that can make a really 96 00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:24,479 Speaker 1: big difference in building relationships. I want to start with 97 00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:30,160 Speaker 1: the magic number fifty hours. So there's a researcher at 98 00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:33,760 Speaker 1: the University of Kansas, professor Jeff Hall, found that it 99 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:35,800 Speaker 1: takes roughly fifty hours of time to move from mere 100 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:38,800 Speaker 1: acquaintance to casual friend, ninety hours to go from that 101 00:04:38,880 --> 00:04:42,240 Speaker 1: stage to friend status, and more than two hundred hours 102 00:04:42,279 --> 00:04:45,520 Speaker 1: before you can consider someone you's close friend. That's what 103 00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:48,279 Speaker 1: we're up against. You have to put in the time. 104 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:52,000 Speaker 3: So what I love about this is the tension we 105 00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:58,680 Speaker 3: have around getting comfortable with being uncomfortable when we're starting 106 00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:02,160 Speaker 3: a relationship. No matter what it is, a romantic relationship, 107 00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:06,560 Speaker 3: a friendship, an acquaintance, a work colleague, whatever, there is 108 00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:12,640 Speaker 3: always a level of uncomfortability that comes with the new connection. 109 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:14,880 Speaker 1: Well, because that means that you're starting to expose yourself 110 00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:17,360 Speaker 1: a little bit vulnerability sharing things about your life. Am 111 00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:19,640 Speaker 1: I going to be rejected. How fragile are they? How 112 00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:21,840 Speaker 1: fragile am I? Are they going to say something weird? 113 00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:24,160 Speaker 1: There's all of these things that you're constantly thinking about. 114 00:05:24,279 --> 00:05:26,679 Speaker 1: What happens if they like somebody politically that I don't 115 00:05:26,839 --> 00:05:27,080 Speaker 1: like what? 116 00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:30,839 Speaker 3: Or you just have an awkward silence and you don't 117 00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:33,920 Speaker 3: know how to fill it, or you run out of questions, 118 00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:38,320 Speaker 3: or the other person doesn't seem interested. Yeah, you know, 119 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:40,880 Speaker 3: like there's all of these things that are quite benign 120 00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:44,320 Speaker 3: in and of themselves. We overinterpret them, but we do 121 00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:48,200 Speaker 3: overinterpret them, and we don't like the feeling of being 122 00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:53,040 Speaker 3: uncomfortable or not feeling in control of the situation. And 123 00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:57,120 Speaker 3: we also take rejection in the moment as something personal 124 00:05:57,240 --> 00:06:00,599 Speaker 3: as opposed to the realization that it might just be 125 00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:03,240 Speaker 3: poor timing, there might be other things going on in 126 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:06,200 Speaker 3: their life at the moment. But we make it much 127 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:06,960 Speaker 3: bigger than it is. 128 00:06:07,279 --> 00:06:09,680 Speaker 1: So if everyone's so busy, it's really hard to find 129 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:11,760 Speaker 1: fifty hours to spend with somebody. 130 00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:15,120 Speaker 3: And it's fifty intentional hours, right, You don't go and 131 00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:18,280 Speaker 3: watch fifty hours of TV together, No, it's not going 132 00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:19,440 Speaker 3: to build a relationship. 133 00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:19,919 Speaker 2: Correct. 134 00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:22,920 Speaker 1: Let me give an example of this though, the homeschool group. 135 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:24,960 Speaker 1: First few times you shout up to the homeschool group, 136 00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:28,120 Speaker 1: nobody was really chatting with you. You weren't sure how 137 00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:31,200 Speaker 1: you could break your way into the mums that were 138 00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:33,919 Speaker 1: all chatting. But of time, as you built up that 139 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:36,360 Speaker 1: fifty hours, you became. 140 00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:39,560 Speaker 3: My life lying like literally my life. 141 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:40,640 Speaker 2: Have become that now. Yeah. 142 00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:42,720 Speaker 1: Absolutely, And it's the same whether you're in a church 143 00:06:42,720 --> 00:06:46,000 Speaker 1: group or in a workspace or at the local sports club, 144 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:46,960 Speaker 1: surf club, whatever. 145 00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:47,559 Speaker 2: It is that you're doing. 146 00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:51,239 Speaker 1: When you put the hours in, that's when the relationship develops. 147 00:06:51,279 --> 00:06:53,159 Speaker 1: If you don't put the hours in, you never create 148 00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:55,719 Speaker 1: the depth that's required. Again, I just find this fascinating 149 00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:58,080 Speaker 1: fifty hours to go from oh, yeah I know this 150 00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:02,520 Speaker 1: person to yeah, we're friends or we're casual friends, like 151 00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:05,000 Speaker 1: we can catch up. But it's somewhere closer to one 152 00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:07,360 Speaker 1: hundred hours before you're like, hey, I want to send 153 00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:09,240 Speaker 1: you a text and share this thing with. 154 00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:10,720 Speaker 2: You that I saw because I know that you'd really 155 00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:11,679 Speaker 2: like and that's really funny. 156 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:14,160 Speaker 1: Or two hundred hours where you're saying, hey, let's get 157 00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:17,280 Speaker 1: our families together and catch up and really hang out. 158 00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:19,040 Speaker 3: And you know what, I've just had a really really 159 00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:21,000 Speaker 3: bad day and I just need a debrief with someone. 160 00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:25,000 Speaker 1: Yep, yep, exactly two hundred hours, So time you've got 161 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:27,160 Speaker 1: to put the time in, otherwise the relationship doesn't work 162 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:28,720 Speaker 1: after the break. I want to share what I think 163 00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:30,920 Speaker 1: is the most important way for us as adults and 164 00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:35,080 Speaker 1: probably frankly for our children as well, to build meaningful friendships, 165 00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:36,560 Speaker 1: especially if we're feeling lonely. 166 00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:45,679 Speaker 2: Stay with Hello. 167 00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:48,200 Speaker 1: We're back with a Happy Families podcast. If you're enjoying 168 00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:49,960 Speaker 1: the podcast, please share it with the friend Please like it, 169 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:50,520 Speaker 1: Please share it? 170 00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:52,400 Speaker 2: Please? What is it? 171 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:54,920 Speaker 1: Five star ratings and reviews? We really love those ones. 172 00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:57,600 Speaker 1: They make a difference for people finding the pod. Kylie, 173 00:07:57,600 --> 00:07:59,840 Speaker 1: here's my second idea. This is the big one for me. 174 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:03,400 Speaker 1: I call it aggressive friendship. Aggressive friendship. 175 00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:06,680 Speaker 3: Yeah, I push back on that, because can. 176 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:08,680 Speaker 2: I just get another very aggressive on you to push back? 177 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:10,120 Speaker 3: Yeah? All right, carry on. 178 00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:12,400 Speaker 1: Let me tell you what I mean by that. Maybe 179 00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:15,360 Speaker 1: a friendly a phrase would be don't wait initiate. 180 00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:17,240 Speaker 2: What I'm sort of saying. 181 00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:19,640 Speaker 3: Is I think that everybody's been in a situation where 182 00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:22,920 Speaker 3: there's been somebody who hasn't taken no for an answer. 183 00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:25,560 Speaker 3: That to me is aggressive friendship. It's someone who is 184 00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:28,640 Speaker 3: desperate to be in your circle, and there is They're 185 00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:30,600 Speaker 3: just it doesn't feel good. 186 00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:32,480 Speaker 2: When you say that. I feel like the close talker 187 00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:35,079 Speaker 2: who's getting in your y. Yeah. Ye, yes, what I mean. 188 00:08:35,559 --> 00:08:36,760 Speaker 3: So that's why I'm pushing that. 189 00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:39,720 Speaker 1: Okay, Yeah, so don't wait initiate being a being a 190 00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:40,760 Speaker 1: gentle nag. 191 00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:42,640 Speaker 2: Is what I mean. 192 00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:45,600 Speaker 3: So I hear you say that, I'm going. 193 00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:46,160 Speaker 2: Are you coming? 194 00:08:46,679 --> 00:08:49,680 Speaker 3: I can think of a handful of people that I 195 00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:53,160 Speaker 3: actually really love spending time with. Every time we bump 196 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:56,200 Speaker 3: into each other accidentally at the shops, we haven't we 197 00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:58,400 Speaker 3: haven't planned it. We just we happen to bump into 198 00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:01,720 Speaker 3: each other. Yeah, both light up. We're so excited to 199 00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:04,040 Speaker 3: see each other. And we stand around for fifteen twenty 200 00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:06,280 Speaker 3: minutes and we have a quick chat and catch up 201 00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:09,439 Speaker 3: and then we and then we literally leave the conversation 202 00:09:09,559 --> 00:09:11,800 Speaker 3: with we have to catch up. Let's do it. 203 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:13,959 Speaker 1: We have a neighbor literally across the road, and every 204 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,400 Speaker 1: time I see them, I'm like, oh, Nick, Caroline, we've 205 00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:18,920 Speaker 1: got to spend time together. Every time we see them 206 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:20,280 Speaker 1: out on the road, we end up having like a 207 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:22,840 Speaker 1: thirty minute chat in the driveway or in the middle 208 00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:24,679 Speaker 1: of the road as the cars are going past, and 209 00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:27,800 Speaker 1: they're like, yeah, we need to, but we've never actually 210 00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:30,360 Speaker 1: initiated it. It's always the spontaneous, random chat. 211 00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:34,760 Speaker 3: And that's the challenge. If we don't actually initiate a 212 00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:39,680 Speaker 3: plan of action, then these friendships that could actually be 213 00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:44,480 Speaker 3: the bee's knees and light up our world continue to 214 00:09:44,559 --> 00:09:46,920 Speaker 3: be accidental catch ups, all. 215 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,040 Speaker 1: Right, So don't wait to initiate is better than aggressive friendship. 216 00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:50,960 Speaker 1: Let me share an example of this, though, because it 217 00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:53,560 Speaker 1: doesn't work, and this goes back to your being willing 218 00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:58,480 Speaker 1: to be uncomfortable. We have planned a surf trip for 219 00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:01,840 Speaker 1: next April. Right, we're a year in advance because we're 220 00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:04,120 Speaker 1: having our quarterly getaways and we're discussing when we're going 221 00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:05,199 Speaker 1: and where we're going on that sort of thing. And 222 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:06,600 Speaker 1: you're going to come with me on this surf trip. 223 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:09,800 Speaker 1: It's to one of a place in Indonesia. And I 224 00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:13,360 Speaker 1: sent out an invitation to twenty of my friends who surf. 225 00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:16,079 Speaker 1: That's a lot of invitations. And I said, Kylie and 226 00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:18,400 Speaker 1: I are going in April to this place. Here are 227 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:21,240 Speaker 1: the details, here are the dates. There's no expectation we 228 00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:23,160 Speaker 1: understand that you've got other things to spend your money on, 229 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:26,240 Speaker 1: and this is maybe maybe it is, maybe it isn't 230 00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:28,040 Speaker 1: your kind of thing, but we would love to spend 231 00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:29,839 Speaker 1: some time with you, if you'd like to join us. 232 00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:33,440 Speaker 1: The surf retreat can only handle I think about eight couples. 233 00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:37,800 Speaker 1: It's a fairly small retreat. But all twenty of them 234 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:40,440 Speaker 1: came back to me. Actually several of them didn't come 235 00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:42,080 Speaker 1: back to me at all, but pretty much all twenty 236 00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:44,080 Speaker 1: of them came back and said, I can't make it. 237 00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:47,199 Speaker 1: Got something else planned, doesn't fit within the budget. My 238 00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:49,120 Speaker 1: surf trip next year is to blah blah. Right, So 239 00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:51,840 Speaker 1: I got rejected by twenty people, but I didn't wait. 240 00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:52,520 Speaker 2: I initiated. 241 00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:54,400 Speaker 1: And then while I was having a random conversation with 242 00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:57,960 Speaker 1: an acquaintance, somebody that I definitely have not spent fifty 243 00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:01,079 Speaker 1: hours with, but somebody that i'd love to spend more 244 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:04,439 Speaker 1: time with, I said to him, Hey, Aunt, you really 245 00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:05,400 Speaker 1: like surfing, don't you. 246 00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:06,559 Speaker 2: He lives in Victoria. 247 00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:08,319 Speaker 1: He's not even close to us, and we barely see 248 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:10,760 Speaker 1: each other, and in fact, I don't think i've seen 249 00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:13,640 Speaker 1: him for three or four years. And I said, Kylie, 250 00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:15,240 Speaker 1: and I are going to go away to this place. 251 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:17,000 Speaker 1: We're going to go on this trip. And he said, 252 00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:19,719 Speaker 1: I've got a mate who's been there, he raves about it. 253 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,440 Speaker 1: I said, well, here are our dates. If you're keen, 254 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:24,800 Speaker 1: we'd love to have you come along. So he's now 255 00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:27,520 Speaker 1: having a legitimate conversation with his wife about whether or 256 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,560 Speaker 1: not that would work because he wants to come along. 257 00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:33,480 Speaker 1: And all of a sudden, this relationship that I've always 258 00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:37,720 Speaker 1: hoped to see germinate and really build into something. 259 00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:38,400 Speaker 2: Maybe it will. 260 00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:40,560 Speaker 1: Because if you spend a week on a SURFA treat 261 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:42,520 Speaker 1: with another person, you're going to get your fifty hours, 262 00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:45,480 Speaker 1: probably one hundred hours maybe more, and then you build 263 00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:48,200 Speaker 1: a relationship, then you're that person who you catch up 264 00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:50,960 Speaker 1: more regularly, you have those conversations more frequently, and it 265 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:52,280 Speaker 1: just feels so good. 266 00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:56,559 Speaker 3: It's all about shared experiences, it's about building that folio 267 00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:59,439 Speaker 3: of time together, right, And the thing that stands out 268 00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:03,600 Speaker 3: to me is the importance of face to face connection. 269 00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:08,199 Speaker 3: We can have all of the likes and comments on 270 00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:10,240 Speaker 3: our Insta page. 271 00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:12,120 Speaker 2: And sending the meme to somebody. 272 00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:15,439 Speaker 3: Yeah, they are not going to have the impact on 273 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:20,359 Speaker 3: long term, strong relationships that a face to face conversation 274 00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:22,560 Speaker 3: will have and you can have that face to face 275 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:26,760 Speaker 3: conversation once you're in a really good relationship once every year. 276 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,640 Speaker 3: It's not like you have to be in each other's 277 00:12:28,679 --> 00:12:33,120 Speaker 3: pocket every day to have strong connections, but face to 278 00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:38,280 Speaker 3: face will outrun any other form of communication every day 279 00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:38,800 Speaker 3: of the week. 280 00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:40,280 Speaker 2: So they're my two big ideas. 281 00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:44,640 Speaker 1: Number one, we want to not wait initiate, and number two, 282 00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:46,600 Speaker 1: you've got to find a way to spend the hours. 283 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:48,560 Speaker 1: You've got to find a time to get side by 284 00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:52,160 Speaker 1: side or face to face consistently, not all at once, 285 00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:54,200 Speaker 1: but over a period of days and weeks and months, 286 00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:57,280 Speaker 1: so that the relationship will build. It doesn't happen online. 287 00:12:57,360 --> 00:13:00,560 Speaker 1: It doesn't happen if you're so busy that you can't 288 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:03,680 Speaker 1: make it happen. And if you're sitting at tennis and 289 00:13:03,679 --> 00:13:05,880 Speaker 1: the kids are whacking balls across the net at each other, 290 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:08,080 Speaker 1: and there's another parent who is three meters away from 291 00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:10,400 Speaker 1: you at the next bench or the next table, and 292 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:13,360 Speaker 1: you're both staring at your phone, put the phone in. 293 00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:14,880 Speaker 2: And say, hey, it looks like our kids are doing 294 00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:17,160 Speaker 2: really well with the tennis. Get the conversation going. 295 00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:19,520 Speaker 3: Can I share a quick experience before we close up. 296 00:13:19,559 --> 00:13:20,280 Speaker 2: Yeah, let's do it. 297 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,280 Speaker 3: So a handful of years ago, I was in a really, 298 00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:27,320 Speaker 3: really dark place. I had probably spent a year in 299 00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:32,120 Speaker 3: emotional agony, I'm going to use those words, and I 300 00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:35,400 Speaker 3: hadn't spent any time connecting with anyone. And I woke 301 00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:38,280 Speaker 3: up one morning and just realized it that I didn't 302 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:41,840 Speaker 3: want to be that person anymore. But I felt so 303 00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:48,400 Speaker 3: lost in having any kind of connection with people because 304 00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:51,440 Speaker 3: of my circumstances for that twelve months. And so I 305 00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:54,880 Speaker 3: looked around my community and there were a handful of 306 00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:57,920 Speaker 3: women that I had admired from a distance that I 307 00:13:58,160 --> 00:14:02,240 Speaker 3: just thought were absolutely stellar people and I would love 308 00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:04,800 Speaker 3: to have them in my circle of friendship. But up 309 00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:06,719 Speaker 3: until that point, I hadn't been in a position to 310 00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:12,520 Speaker 3: reach out. So I made this grand gesture and I said, Hey, 311 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:15,200 Speaker 3: I've had a really crappy year and I would love 312 00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:16,880 Speaker 3: to go out and spend some time with good women. 313 00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:19,160 Speaker 3: I'm wondering if you'd like to come and spend some 314 00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:23,720 Speaker 3: time with me. All of those women said yes, as. 315 00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:25,200 Speaker 2: They probably all said, and I've had a pretty rough 316 00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:25,760 Speaker 2: year too. 317 00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:28,320 Speaker 3: And they did, Yeah, really they did. And we went 318 00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:32,480 Speaker 3: out that first night, and I remember just feeling like 319 00:14:32,560 --> 00:14:35,040 Speaker 3: the weight of the world had been lifted because there 320 00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:39,080 Speaker 3: were other women who, for their own reasons, had had 321 00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:42,240 Speaker 3: a really crappy year and were actually really excited that 322 00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:44,920 Speaker 3: somebody had reached out and said, hey, let's just get together. 323 00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:49,200 Speaker 3: And those friendships carried me through some really really challenging 324 00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:54,600 Speaker 3: times and just were so important in that stage of 325 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:57,920 Speaker 3: my life. And I'm so grateful for that. But it 326 00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:01,360 Speaker 3: took me reaching out because none of those women would 327 00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:02,560 Speaker 3: have initiated either. 328 00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:06,840 Speaker 1: All Right, we hope that these ideas will spontaneously create 329 00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:08,920 Speaker 1: a whole lot less loneliness and a whole lot more 330 00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:13,520 Speaker 1: life meaning and relationship for you in your day to day. 331 00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:16,960 Speaker 1: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from 332 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:19,360 Speaker 1: Bridge Media, with additional assistance from Mim Hammonds. 333 00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:20,280 Speaker 2: If you'd like more. 334 00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,680 Speaker 1: Info to make your family happier, or to get info 335 00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:25,560 Speaker 1: about how to raise brilliant boys from the inside out, 336 00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:27,920 Speaker 1: strong young men from the inside out, pre order my 337 00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:31,720 Speaker 1: book Boys online now at Booktopia, or join the waitlist 338 00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:33,320 Speaker 1: at Happy Families dot com dot au.