1 00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:07,040 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for. 2 00:00:07,040 --> 00:00:10,119 Speaker 2: The time poor parent who just wants answers. 3 00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:12,960 Speaker 1: Now. Hello, it's doctor Justin Coilson. I'm here with Kylie, 4 00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:15,280 Speaker 1: my wife, mum to our six kids. I'm the parenting 5 00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:18,720 Speaker 1: expert and co host on Channel Line's TV show Parental Guidance, 6 00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:22,400 Speaker 1: which was on last night from seven point thirty. We've 7 00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:24,000 Speaker 1: got a couple of nights off now, but we're going 8 00:00:24,040 --> 00:00:27,120 Speaker 1: to review what happened last night and specifically dive into 9 00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:32,400 Speaker 1: some expert commentary to help to raise happy families. Kylie, 10 00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:36,120 Speaker 1: so much happens in every single episode. I want to 11 00:00:36,159 --> 00:00:39,120 Speaker 1: take last night's episode a little differently to normal. Rather 12 00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:41,680 Speaker 1: than going through each of the challenges and talking about 13 00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:44,080 Speaker 1: each of the families, I want to talk about a 14 00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:46,440 Speaker 1: general theme, in fact, two themes that I think we 15 00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:48,879 Speaker 1: can extract that out of last night. The first one 16 00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:52,159 Speaker 1: is life skills, whether it's cooking dinner or responding to 17 00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:54,920 Speaker 1: smoke alarms. And there are a couple of other things 18 00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:56,520 Speaker 1: in there as well that we can talk about. But 19 00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:59,760 Speaker 1: life skills were on full display last night. I have 20 00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:03,639 Speaker 1: to say say in some places they were lacking. They 21 00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:06,840 Speaker 1: were really lacking significantly, And I just want to talk 22 00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:10,600 Speaker 1: about motivations, motivations for why kids do what they do 23 00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:13,480 Speaker 1: and why parents do what they do. Where do you 24 00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:14,319 Speaker 1: want to start? 25 00:01:14,319 --> 00:01:15,920 Speaker 2: The top of the list is always a good place 26 00:01:15,959 --> 00:01:16,320 Speaker 2: to start. 27 00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:19,760 Speaker 1: Okay, life skills, it is. So the first challenge involved 28 00:01:19,959 --> 00:01:22,240 Speaker 1: cooking dinner for the parents. Mum, Dad, you get the 29 00:01:22,319 --> 00:01:24,919 Speaker 1: night off, kids are going to organize dinner. And notice 30 00:01:24,959 --> 00:01:28,399 Speaker 1: it was organized dinner, it was provide dinner. Here's what 31 00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:31,560 Speaker 1: happened as teen parents, our children have roles in the family. 32 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:33,640 Speaker 3: Yeah, we put a lot of responsibility on both. 33 00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:34,920 Speaker 1: He's like the captain of the side. 34 00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:37,319 Speaker 3: So why don't we all have a group discussion about 35 00:01:37,319 --> 00:01:40,560 Speaker 3: what we want to order to be delivered to us easier. 36 00:01:40,959 --> 00:01:42,880 Speaker 3: So do we have to cook dinner tonight? 37 00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:45,000 Speaker 2: You have to provide dinner for us? 38 00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:49,440 Speaker 1: Well, let's go to maccas what dasah? 39 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:52,240 Speaker 3: What do you think You're not going to cook us anything? 40 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:57,680 Speaker 1: Then I'll cook us not if there's another option. So 41 00:01:57,720 --> 00:02:00,840 Speaker 1: we've got two families who have gone straight to the internet. 42 00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:04,360 Speaker 1: What should we buy? Then we've got the spiritual parents, 43 00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:07,360 Speaker 1: their kids dived straight into the kitchen. I'm excited that 44 00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:10,400 Speaker 1: if you don't have to cook. What are you thinking? Pasta? 45 00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:13,200 Speaker 1: As spiritual parents, real times are very important in our 46 00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:15,760 Speaker 1: It's a very cool part of our house. Or can 47 00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:21,040 Speaker 1: I cut off? Give me to pieces? Okay? 48 00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:24,680 Speaker 2: Because I was guiding midda. As spiritual parents, these are 49 00:02:24,760 --> 00:02:28,119 Speaker 2: very important kindness, carrying and looking out to your shot. 50 00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:33,480 Speaker 1: Just taste feel mean I can make the same day. Yeah, 51 00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:39,560 Speaker 1: if you enjoy making it, I'll enjoy eating it. And 52 00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:45,480 Speaker 1: the stage parents had a little bit of discomfort around milk. 53 00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:48,079 Speaker 3: Don't forget, neither of us eat carbs. 54 00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:50,680 Speaker 1: I'm cooking. 55 00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:54,200 Speaker 3: I think Zion his number one food is rice. 56 00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:57,600 Speaker 2: So there was a big chunk of rice, I. 57 00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:01,360 Speaker 3: Being the right, I mean you took it all apart 58 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:04,359 Speaker 3: because I have to save room for the main course, 59 00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:06,880 Speaker 3: steak and vegetables. 60 00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:08,480 Speaker 1: Thank you, thank you. 61 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:10,280 Speaker 2: So I know you want me to talk about the food, 62 00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:14,480 Speaker 2: but can I just it's four kitchens for the spiritual parents. 63 00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:16,000 Speaker 1: Can you imagine all the cleaning. 64 00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:18,760 Speaker 2: Four kitchens. 65 00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:21,040 Speaker 1: So we talked about the four kitchens in the studio 66 00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:23,600 Speaker 1: and they gave us a really clear explanation. And I 67 00:03:23,639 --> 00:03:26,079 Speaker 1: can't remember what it was because it happened so long ago, 68 00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:27,880 Speaker 1: but they really loved their family, and they really loved 69 00:03:27,919 --> 00:03:30,080 Speaker 1: their cooking. And that's the deal. We've got to talk 70 00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:33,680 Speaker 1: about uber life skills, people life skills. We've got adolescents, 71 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:37,360 Speaker 1: we've got grown up teenagers, sort of stuff happening, and 72 00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:41,080 Speaker 1: we're jumping online and ordering food. Life skills. 73 00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:44,000 Speaker 2: Well, I'm going to suggest that that wasn't what the 74 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:47,040 Speaker 2: team was expecting when they asked them to provide challenge. 75 00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:49,560 Speaker 2: But they also didn't use the word cook now, they 76 00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:51,720 Speaker 2: said provide, So I feel like they were being a 77 00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:55,080 Speaker 2: little bit ambiguous, yes, and giving people opportunities to think 78 00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:57,640 Speaker 2: outside the box. And I'm going to say that all 79 00:03:57,680 --> 00:04:01,840 Speaker 2: of the families actually showed significant life skills. I don't 80 00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:03,800 Speaker 2: think I know how to do uber eats. 81 00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:07,400 Speaker 1: You know what. That's because we don't do it. We've 82 00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:08,920 Speaker 1: got the life skills to cook the meal. 83 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:13,000 Speaker 2: Yes, I could drive to the shops to get takeaway, which. 84 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:13,960 Speaker 1: We do from time to time. 85 00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:17,040 Speaker 2: But I think they showed brilliance. 86 00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:19,000 Speaker 1: Okay, I'm going to say this. If you're going to 87 00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:21,560 Speaker 1: use that as life skills, you want to make sure 88 00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:24,880 Speaker 1: that you've got an abundant income, otherwise you're going to eat. 89 00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:25,920 Speaker 2: Well, they're not doing it every night. 90 00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:28,960 Speaker 1: No, of course not. But my point is, hey. 91 00:04:28,839 --> 00:04:30,280 Speaker 2: You say you're going to give me a night off, 92 00:04:30,279 --> 00:04:30,560 Speaker 2: and what. 93 00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:34,400 Speaker 1: Do you do? I have no response to that at all. 94 00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:37,159 Speaker 1: It's usually Indian on the table. 95 00:04:37,240 --> 00:04:39,600 Speaker 2: It usually is Indian, and it's delicious and I'm so 96 00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:41,719 Speaker 2: grateful for it. But let's just be clear. 97 00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:45,600 Speaker 1: I do cook. Okay, I do cook. I got Sunday roast, 98 00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:49,400 Speaker 1: Sunday roast every week. I cook the barbecues. But my 99 00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:52,760 Speaker 1: life skills and there when it comes to cook, okay, 100 00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:55,599 Speaker 1: pot calling the kettle black. I take it all back. 101 00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:58,600 Speaker 1: They did a fantastic job on that. We do need 102 00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:00,480 Speaker 1: to talk more about life skills though in relation. 103 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:03,920 Speaker 2: Can I just say having children with licenses is brilliant 104 00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:05,719 Speaker 2: and if it means that they can go and pick 105 00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:08,520 Speaker 2: dinner up for me, hands down, I'm excited. 106 00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:12,760 Speaker 1: We've got to move on to a conversation about the 107 00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:18,120 Speaker 1: fire alarms. This was not the most riveting challenge to 108 00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:21,320 Speaker 1: watch on TV, but the lessons that it teaches and 109 00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:23,440 Speaker 1: the importance, like I hope people are watching the show 110 00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:25,160 Speaker 1: and saying, hey, kids, we need to have a conversation 111 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:25,600 Speaker 1: about this. 112 00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:29,680 Speaker 2: Yeah, I remember when the kids were younger, we actually 113 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:33,800 Speaker 2: did some practice runs we did. We helped them recognize 114 00:05:33,839 --> 00:05:37,440 Speaker 2: safe evacuation routes, things like that we did live next 115 00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:39,680 Speaker 2: to a fiery I wonder if that made any difference 116 00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:42,480 Speaker 2: to what we did back then. We hadn't done that 117 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:44,840 Speaker 2: for a very long time. And as I sat there 118 00:05:44,839 --> 00:05:48,960 Speaker 2: and I watched and saw just how slow I'm going 119 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:51,320 Speaker 2: to say the word slow the kids were to react 120 00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:56,039 Speaker 2: in every family, it really brought to the forour for 121 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:59,920 Speaker 2: me how important these conversations are because we all know 122 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:02,000 Speaker 2: that those kids were actually safe. There was there was 123 00:06:02,040 --> 00:06:04,760 Speaker 2: no fire, right, but a fire can get out of 124 00:06:04,839 --> 00:06:07,039 Speaker 2: hand so fast. 125 00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:10,359 Speaker 1: But here's the thing. Where there's smoke, there usually is fire. 126 00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:12,159 Speaker 1: You might walk into a room and not see any 127 00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:14,920 Speaker 1: fire and think, oh, there's no fire. There's something smoky 128 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,680 Speaker 1: going on, but there's behind the wall, behind the wall, 129 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:20,320 Speaker 1: underneath the floor or in the ceiling, Like just because 130 00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:22,960 Speaker 1: you can't see flame doesn't mean there's no fire. 131 00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:25,080 Speaker 2: Well, and we also noticed that one of the kids 132 00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:29,120 Speaker 2: who actually went in was coughing like crazy. 133 00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:39,040 Speaker 1: It was sigh on the stage parents, son, I. 134 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:43,440 Speaker 3: Saw where I came from that in Mom, it's not 135 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:44,640 Speaker 3: a fire good. 136 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:50,000 Speaker 2: The reality is that it may not be the actual 137 00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:51,600 Speaker 2: flaying that. 138 00:06:51,279 --> 00:06:53,119 Speaker 1: The smoke might be enough to do the harm. 139 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:53,440 Speaker 2: Yeah. 140 00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:56,520 Speaker 1: I love this, and so I mean the stage parents 141 00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:58,719 Speaker 1: understand it. We said, well that there was no fire. 142 00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:00,920 Speaker 1: He went in, he looked there was no But that's 143 00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:01,480 Speaker 1: not the point. 144 00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:05,120 Speaker 2: If there's smoke, where's the smoke coming from? What kind 145 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:07,120 Speaker 2: of smoke is it? We're toxic? 146 00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:10,080 Speaker 1: Yeah, well we made sure it was non toxic. I'm 147 00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:11,600 Speaker 1: going to say this in defense of the stage parents 148 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:14,240 Speaker 1: and their sons, Zion. They used to stage, they're used 149 00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:16,320 Speaker 1: to theatrics, they're used to all this sort of stuff. 150 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:19,000 Speaker 1: And he probably walked in and went, oh, yeah, okay, 151 00:07:19,240 --> 00:07:20,840 Speaker 1: this has been set up. So it looks like it's 152 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:23,320 Speaker 1: a self regulation because lullies are on the table, but 153 00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:26,240 Speaker 1: they're set off the smoke alarm, and it's not our 154 00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:28,040 Speaker 1: smoke alarm. It's not coming from the roof, and the 155 00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:30,800 Speaker 1: smoke is coming from one of those things. Like he's 156 00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:34,400 Speaker 1: thirteen years old, he's savvy, But that's kind of beside 157 00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:36,360 Speaker 1: the point. If we're having the conversation with our children 158 00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:39,640 Speaker 1: and we're trying to teach them life skills, the. 159 00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:42,440 Speaker 2: Reason that false sense of security they're all of us 160 00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:46,480 Speaker 2: have at different times and helping our kids to recognize 161 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:49,840 Speaker 2: that it would it's better to act and be safe 162 00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:51,200 Speaker 2: and be safe than not. 163 00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:54,520 Speaker 1: One of my favorite podcasts is called Cautionary Tales, and 164 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,200 Speaker 1: a couple of months ago there was an episode where 165 00:07:56,200 --> 00:08:00,640 Speaker 1: they were talking about fire in a theater that killed 166 00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:04,320 Speaker 1: a lot of people. And what researchers have discovered in 167 00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:08,880 Speaker 1: the decades since that happened is that when there's an emergency, 168 00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:11,800 Speaker 1: when there's a fire, they don't only talked about one 169 00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:13,880 Speaker 1: in the theater. They talked about one in a subway 170 00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:19,120 Speaker 1: in London. There was smoke, there were flames, and people 171 00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:21,440 Speaker 1: just kind of go about their business. We expect that 172 00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:23,240 Speaker 1: there's going to be a stampede, a rush, everyone's going 173 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:26,280 Speaker 1: to panic, and therefore people try to keep the noise 174 00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:28,360 Speaker 1: hush hush. They try to say no, no, no, there's nothing 175 00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:30,880 Speaker 1: to worry about. Just go about your business. When there's 176 00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:34,200 Speaker 1: an emergency, more often not people just followed the crowd, 177 00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:36,760 Speaker 1: and if the crowd isn't reacting and panicking, they don't 178 00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:40,280 Speaker 1: react and panic, and so so many people have died 179 00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:43,560 Speaker 1: as a result of a lack of panic. Everyone thinks, oh, oh, 180 00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:47,320 Speaker 1: it's fine, and stairs have collapsed or things have broken 181 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:50,680 Speaker 1: down and it's led to tragedy. When I was working 182 00:08:50,679 --> 00:08:53,560 Speaker 1: recently with the Queensland Fire and Emergency Services doing a 183 00:08:53,559 --> 00:08:57,120 Speaker 1: big publicity blitz with them, the QFS have a simple 184 00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:59,920 Speaker 1: three step process, and I think that it's worth highlight 185 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:02,800 Speaker 1: it is that you check your smoke alarms with the 186 00:09:02,880 --> 00:09:05,520 Speaker 1: kids so that they know what the smoke alarms sounds 187 00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:08,160 Speaker 1: like that piercing shriek. They know what it is and 188 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:10,280 Speaker 1: they know what it means. If the smoke alarm's going off, 189 00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:12,680 Speaker 1: it means there's a good chance that either false alarm 190 00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:16,880 Speaker 1: or fire. We get up and we check. Then we 191 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:18,880 Speaker 1: plan what are we going to do if there is 192 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:21,800 Speaker 1: an emergency? And we practice which way do you get 193 00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:24,560 Speaker 1: out of the house if the fires here? Which way 194 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:25,920 Speaker 1: do you get out of the house if the fire 195 00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:28,719 Speaker 1: is there? Check, plan, and practice three simple steps to 196 00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:31,880 Speaker 1: keep your family safe. Talking about life skills, I reckon 197 00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:34,360 Speaker 1: it matters and it's been a really great wake up 198 00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:36,360 Speaker 1: call for me, for you and I to sit down 199 00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:38,520 Speaker 1: with the kids and just do a quick checkplan practice 200 00:09:38,559 --> 00:09:38,880 Speaker 1: for them. 201 00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:41,160 Speaker 2: The thing that actually stood out to me the most 202 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:44,360 Speaker 2: in this challenge was in all of the cases the 203 00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:45,280 Speaker 2: kids were home alone. 204 00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:49,080 Speaker 1: Yes, and we set it up that way, obviously the influences. 205 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:53,120 Speaker 2: Yes, youngest daughter was home on her own, and while 206 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:56,960 Speaker 2: I was blowing away at how slowly she reacted, she 207 00:09:57,080 --> 00:10:00,240 Speaker 2: got out of there, and she knew that the next 208 00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:02,480 Speaker 2: point of call was to go to her neighbors. 209 00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:10,720 Speaker 3: For you can, I come in the face, You certainly can. 210 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:12,280 Speaker 1: What's the problem. 211 00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:17,040 Speaker 3: My parents went home and there's smoke and fire. 212 00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:17,080 Speaker 4: Alarm went off. 213 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:19,880 Speaker 2: She went to her neighbors, told her neighbors what was 214 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:22,600 Speaker 2: going on. How many of our kids actually know our 215 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:23,840 Speaker 2: neighbors and would. 216 00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:24,560 Speaker 1: Go and sang on the door. 217 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:29,240 Speaker 2: Yeah. I looked at their spiritual parents' daughter. She knew 218 00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:33,800 Speaker 2: that she needed help, but she had no idea who 219 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:34,200 Speaker 2: to go. 220 00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:41,439 Speaker 1: To smoke smoke amer per square. 221 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:46,280 Speaker 2: The PLA. And I loved how as the spiritual parents, 222 00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:50,040 Speaker 2: they actually acknowledged that they've taught the king open the windows, 223 00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:51,760 Speaker 2: taught the kids open the windows, and. 224 00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:55,640 Speaker 4: Quick, quick, don't open the windows, and don't fan the smoke, 225 00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:59,199 Speaker 4: and fan the smoke, don't you. And that's exactly what 226 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:02,199 Speaker 4: they did. They did exactly what they were taught. Yes, 227 00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:04,840 Speaker 4: and so I think. 228 00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:06,520 Speaker 2: You know, if you're dealing with a little bit of 229 00:11:06,559 --> 00:11:11,160 Speaker 2: smoke in the kitchen because you burnt something in some oil. 230 00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:12,880 Speaker 2: Then yes, you want to found the smoke. 231 00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:13,920 Speaker 1: Away, turn on the exhaust fan. 232 00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:17,679 Speaker 2: But when there's flames involved, that's the worst thing you 233 00:11:17,679 --> 00:11:18,960 Speaker 2: could have done. 234 00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:23,480 Speaker 1: Okay. So we've talked about life skills as they applied 235 00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:27,120 Speaker 1: to cooking dinner for the family or providing dinner via 236 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:27,679 Speaker 1: Uber eats. 237 00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:28,840 Speaker 2: Hey, that's the word they use. 238 00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:31,400 Speaker 1: I know, I know, and we've talked about it in 239 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:35,440 Speaker 1: relation to smoke alarms. So, Kylie, there's one really important 240 00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:38,840 Speaker 1: thing for us to talk about. It didn't really come 241 00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:40,960 Speaker 1: booming out of the episode last night, but it applies 242 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,960 Speaker 1: to every single family, and that is our dreams for 243 00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:43,520 Speaker 1: our kids. 244 00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:45,680 Speaker 2: I think there was a bit of tension over that. 245 00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:48,360 Speaker 1: There really was, Yeah, yeah, yeah, And to me, I'd 246 00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:50,880 Speaker 1: like to unpack that some more. Is it okay to 247 00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:53,240 Speaker 1: have goals for your kids? Is it okay when your 248 00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:54,920 Speaker 1: kids have goals to say, I'm here to support you 249 00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:56,560 Speaker 1: one hundred percent and get behind them and start your 250 00:11:56,559 --> 00:11:59,120 Speaker 1: own business to help them to achieve those goals. 251 00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:05,800 Speaker 3: If our children end up famous Hollywood actors, they need 252 00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:08,640 Speaker 3: to buy us a house a ranger over with white 253 00:12:08,679 --> 00:12:11,600 Speaker 3: leather interior. They can keep the rest of it, but 254 00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:19,120 Speaker 3: as long as they remember that we started them. 255 00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:22,840 Speaker 2: Oh, I found this part of the show quite compelling. 256 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:23,520 Speaker 1: Yeah. 257 00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:25,600 Speaker 2: Like I said, there was a bit of tension in 258 00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:31,440 Speaker 2: the room over it, because from the Outwood appearance, it 259 00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:34,320 Speaker 2: would be very, very easy to make a judgment call 260 00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:36,680 Speaker 2: that these kids are just going along with mom and 261 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:37,320 Speaker 2: dad's goals. 262 00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:39,160 Speaker 1: I don't think they are though. I don't think they 263 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:41,800 Speaker 1: are at all. They I mean the stage an opportunity 264 00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:45,640 Speaker 1: to perform, get all that validation from people. Kids love 265 00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:47,840 Speaker 1: this stuff. What if they wanted to become a nurse 266 00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:49,480 Speaker 1: or a teacher. 267 00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:52,080 Speaker 2: Do you feel like you put that same passion into that? 268 00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:52,520 Speaker 4: Though? 269 00:12:52,679 --> 00:12:54,760 Speaker 2: Then you would because these are your interests. 270 00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:57,240 Speaker 3: I don't care what they do as long as they're happy. 271 00:12:58,280 --> 00:13:00,760 Speaker 3: We're not the type of stage parents that want our 272 00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:03,160 Speaker 3: kids to be famous or push them in that directly 273 00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:05,920 Speaker 3: at all. They love it, that's what they want to do. 274 00:13:06,559 --> 00:13:08,360 Speaker 1: They love it, and being an actor is one of 275 00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:11,360 Speaker 1: the most highly sought after regarded every Everyone wants to 276 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:13,480 Speaker 1: be a YouTuber or a superstar in one way or 277 00:13:13,520 --> 00:13:16,520 Speaker 1: another when they're kids. You just have to look around. 278 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:18,520 Speaker 1: Kids actually want to be famous. 279 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,000 Speaker 2: And that was my next point. But the kids are 280 00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:23,240 Speaker 2: young enough that at this point it is just fun. 281 00:13:23,679 --> 00:13:24,720 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, so much fun. 282 00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:25,959 Speaker 2: They're the center of attention. 283 00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:28,080 Speaker 1: They love it, and you can tell that they do. 284 00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:31,720 Speaker 2: The only one I'm not sure why, but their seventeen 285 00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:34,839 Speaker 2: year old daughter. She almost seems like a silent member 286 00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:35,480 Speaker 2: in the family. 287 00:13:35,679 --> 00:13:37,560 Speaker 1: Yeah, there's a reason for that. She pretty much said 288 00:13:37,559 --> 00:13:39,520 Speaker 1: to the producers, I'm not sure that I really want 289 00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:44,000 Speaker 1: to be actively involved in this, and so they intentionally 290 00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:49,200 Speaker 1: gave her a quieter role. She didn't participate heavily. I 291 00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:52,360 Speaker 1: think once it was all over she might have regretted 292 00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:55,720 Speaker 1: that decision. I don't know, but certainly when I spoke 293 00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:57,760 Speaker 1: with Sarah and Shane, they said, yeah, our eldest daughterough 294 00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:01,360 Speaker 1: was she just wanted to have a a back seat 295 00:14:01,559 --> 00:14:04,439 Speaker 1: role on her participating, And good on her for being 296 00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:07,960 Speaker 1: willing to say, yeah, I'm in, but I'm not fully in. Like, 297 00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:10,040 Speaker 1: I think that they did a great job in supporting 298 00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:10,480 Speaker 1: her in that. 299 00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:11,640 Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that's great. 300 00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:14,480 Speaker 1: Yeah. So that we've got this situation though, where Sarah 301 00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:16,000 Speaker 1: and Chane has said, we've got kids who really want 302 00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:19,120 Speaker 1: to be doing media and acting and stage and let's 303 00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:22,680 Speaker 1: create a theater company and dad's a drama teacher at school. 304 00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:25,600 Speaker 1: So I love the way they've said if we're in, 305 00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:30,160 Speaker 1: we're all in to me. That's really exciting. But my 306 00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:32,600 Speaker 1: big challenge, and this isn't so much about them now, 307 00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:35,480 Speaker 1: because they're a great family, they've got great kids, they're 308 00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:38,880 Speaker 1: doing a stellar job. My question is what happens when 309 00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:43,200 Speaker 1: we as parents generally here our kids say this is 310 00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:46,400 Speaker 1: what I want to do, and they feel validated because 311 00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:49,440 Speaker 1: we're supporting them in it, not necessarily starting businesses to 312 00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:51,800 Speaker 1: support it, but they want to learn the piano or 313 00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:53,680 Speaker 1: the violin of the clarinet, or they want to start 314 00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:55,440 Speaker 1: a sport, and so we go and buy all the 315 00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:58,000 Speaker 1: gear and we get them going, and then they're not 316 00:14:58,160 --> 00:15:01,240 Speaker 1: so keen anymore that motivation where off. How do we 317 00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:05,040 Speaker 1: respond then? And we've been through this, I've actually spoken 318 00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:06,480 Speaker 1: about it a couple of times. We went through this 319 00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:08,800 Speaker 1: with our eldest daughter, when I've. 320 00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:10,080 Speaker 2: Been through this one hundred times. 321 00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:13,440 Speaker 1: We have because we've got six kids. But the easiest 322 00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:15,120 Speaker 1: story to tell is the one about our oldest daughter 323 00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:17,440 Speaker 1: who wanted to start cycling on the velodrome with me 324 00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:20,000 Speaker 1: because I was competing and riding my bike on a 325 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:22,720 Speaker 1: Friday night with all my friends and all their families 326 00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:26,760 Speaker 1: around the Uniondera Velodrome in Woollongong. And so we went out, 327 00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:29,440 Speaker 1: and I was a poor UNI student, We had no 328 00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:31,840 Speaker 1: money for this, but we went and bought a secondhand bike, 329 00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:34,320 Speaker 1: and we bought the lycra off some people, and the 330 00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:36,720 Speaker 1: special shoes that you've got to wear, and the helmet. 331 00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:38,920 Speaker 1: We bought all the gear and we put her on 332 00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:42,240 Speaker 1: the track. And the enthusiasm lasted for I don't know 333 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:44,360 Speaker 1: five weeks, and. 334 00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:45,200 Speaker 2: She was going to say sick. 335 00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:49,080 Speaker 1: But she was not very good at it compared to 336 00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:50,600 Speaker 1: all the other kids her age who had been doing 337 00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:55,680 Speaker 1: it for several years, and she completely lost motivation, didn't 338 00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:58,000 Speaker 1: want to do it. I pushed and pushed for another 339 00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:00,440 Speaker 1: four six weeks or something like that, until like, this 340 00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:03,000 Speaker 1: is nuts. Why my having a fight every Friday night 341 00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:05,880 Speaker 1: about going and riding bikes? What are we doing here? 342 00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:11,640 Speaker 1: It didn't work because her goal became my goal for her. 343 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:15,320 Speaker 2: There's also another angle to kind of come from with this. 344 00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:20,040 Speaker 2: If our children want to be involved in the things 345 00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:22,560 Speaker 2: that we want to be involved in, is it actually 346 00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:26,200 Speaker 2: the thing that they want or is their desire to 347 00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:30,120 Speaker 2: be involved because they actually just want our attention, because 348 00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:33,000 Speaker 2: they actually want to be with us. And this is 349 00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:36,080 Speaker 2: not the stage. Parents have just given us a catalyst 350 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:36,640 Speaker 2: for a commisi. 351 00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:37,960 Speaker 1: This is not about them now. 352 00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:43,800 Speaker 2: But is our child's motivation to be involved in that 353 00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:46,720 Speaker 2: thing because that's the only way they feel like they 354 00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:48,440 Speaker 2: can be seen and validated? 355 00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:50,680 Speaker 1: Yeah, that's how they feel like that we connect with 356 00:16:50,720 --> 00:16:51,720 Speaker 1: them over this, Yeah? 357 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:55,360 Speaker 2: Or is it actually an intrinsic motivation to be involved 358 00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:58,000 Speaker 2: with this and the byproduct of that as I get 359 00:16:58,040 --> 00:16:59,160 Speaker 2: to spend time with dad as well. 360 00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:02,560 Speaker 1: Mistake. If your children are involved in an activity because 361 00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:04,080 Speaker 1: it means that they get to connect with you, that's 362 00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:07,439 Speaker 1: not a bad thing. However, if that's the only reason, 363 00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:11,360 Speaker 1: and over time their motivation wanes and we're the ones 364 00:17:11,359 --> 00:17:13,840 Speaker 1: that are pestering them to do it, they're no longer 365 00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:16,440 Speaker 1: getting any connection. They're not being seen, hurt and valued 366 00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:18,800 Speaker 1: by us through that, it's all changed. 367 00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:20,400 Speaker 2: Yes, So I would kind of say that a little 368 00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:22,320 Speaker 2: bit differently. I would say that if the only reason 369 00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:25,280 Speaker 2: our kids are being involved in something is because they 370 00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:26,439 Speaker 2: want to spend time with us. 371 00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:28,480 Speaker 1: Do something else, No. 372 00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:32,320 Speaker 2: That's brilliant. And if you're willing to include them in that. 373 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,960 Speaker 2: Maybe along the way they do learn to love that 374 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:40,120 Speaker 2: particular thing. But as soon as it becomes a battle 375 00:17:40,359 --> 00:17:44,560 Speaker 2: right and you're pushing, it's no longer a positive experience. 376 00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:46,520 Speaker 1: That's what I was trying to say. So with Chanelle 377 00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:49,239 Speaker 1: and the bike riding, it was an opportunity for us 378 00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:52,480 Speaker 1: to do something together. She felt validated, She really enjoyed 379 00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:54,960 Speaker 1: it until suddenly she didn't. And when you think about 380 00:17:55,119 --> 00:17:57,080 Speaker 1: so my book The Pairing Revolution, I talk about those 381 00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,639 Speaker 1: three basic psychological needs that come up on this podcast 382 00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:02,119 Speaker 1: all the time, and need for relationship and need for 383 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:05,119 Speaker 1: competence and a sense of control and autonomy. She was 384 00:18:05,119 --> 00:18:09,600 Speaker 1: getting the relationship, but the relationship started to wane. The 385 00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:12,399 Speaker 1: quality of the relationship started to wane as I started 386 00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:14,040 Speaker 1: to pester her more and more. Hey, what are you doing? 387 00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:16,119 Speaker 1: Come on, what's going on? Are you writing or not? 388 00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:18,840 Speaker 1: It's Friday night? What are you giving me this rubbish for? So? 389 00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:20,879 Speaker 1: I was getting annoyed because we spent all the money 390 00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:23,440 Speaker 1: and we're supposed to be here and now you're dragging 391 00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:24,840 Speaker 1: your feet and you're saying you don't want to do it, 392 00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:26,359 Speaker 1: But you said you wanted to do it, and we've 393 00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:29,399 Speaker 1: sacrificed so that you can, and so the relationship started 394 00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,920 Speaker 1: to suffer. But she didn't want to do it because 395 00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:34,959 Speaker 1: that second basic psychological need of competence wasn't being satisfied 396 00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:38,720 Speaker 1: and supported. She felt like she couldn't do it well 397 00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:41,880 Speaker 1: enough to justify her participation in it, and that made 398 00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:44,960 Speaker 1: her motivation plummet, absolutely plummet. 399 00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:47,600 Speaker 2: I had a conversation with our nine year old just recently. 400 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:51,760 Speaker 2: I have started doing art classes, yeah, and she has 401 00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:57,080 Speaker 2: a brilliant she loves to draw drawing ability already, and 402 00:18:57,119 --> 00:18:58,639 Speaker 2: I said to her, hey, would you like to do 403 00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:01,200 Speaker 2: art classes? And she looked at me and she said, 404 00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:05,520 Speaker 2: I can't draw like you. And I said no, no, you 405 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:07,200 Speaker 2: wouldn't be in my class. You'd be going to a 406 00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:09,119 Speaker 2: class with other kids your age. And she said, but 407 00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:12,280 Speaker 2: I want to do it with you. And I said 408 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:13,720 Speaker 2: to her, I said, well that's okay. I said, we 409 00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:16,080 Speaker 2: can keep drawing at home. So we've been doing that 410 00:19:16,119 --> 00:19:18,840 Speaker 2: on a weekly basis and I love doing it with her. 411 00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:22,520 Speaker 2: But when we got to art school, I took her 412 00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:26,120 Speaker 2: to a little open gallery and she started seeing all 413 00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:29,600 Speaker 2: of this art on display and she said, Mum, I 414 00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:32,320 Speaker 2: think I want to do art classes, and so they 415 00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:34,480 Speaker 2: were able to introduce us to the art teacher who 416 00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:36,560 Speaker 2: deals with the kids, and he was able to tell 417 00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:37,720 Speaker 2: her all the things that we did, and by the 418 00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:39,480 Speaker 2: end of it, she was like, I want to sign up. 419 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,760 Speaker 2: And number one, she already has an interest in it, 420 00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:45,399 Speaker 2: but the fact that she's seeing me doing it is 421 00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:50,159 Speaker 2: giving her added motivation to do it. It's about finding 422 00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:51,879 Speaker 2: a way to do that for her to have a 423 00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:55,960 Speaker 2: level of competence and feel like she is actually in control. Yes, 424 00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:58,120 Speaker 2: that is the winner. 425 00:19:58,000 --> 00:19:59,320 Speaker 1: And then you get to connect over that. 426 00:19:59,600 --> 00:19:59,879 Speaker 2: Yes. 427 00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:02,520 Speaker 1: Yeah, So there's those three basic psychological needs. I think 428 00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:05,560 Speaker 1: the stage parents really exemplify that quite well, frankly, in 429 00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:07,520 Speaker 1: terms of the way their kids are involved in their acting. 430 00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:09,439 Speaker 1: There are a couple of things that came out that 431 00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:12,760 Speaker 1: we'll probably have to discuss tomorrow because we're completely out 432 00:20:12,840 --> 00:20:15,160 Speaker 1: of time. Thanks so much for listening, Jr. You've done 433 00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:16,919 Speaker 1: an incredible job in pulling all of this together. We 434 00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,159 Speaker 1: really appreciate Justin Roll and our producer for making the 435 00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:22,000 Speaker 1: podcast sound great, and Craig Bruce, our executive producer, for 436 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:25,679 Speaker 1: the conversations, the idea starters, and the direction so that 437 00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:28,560 Speaker 1: we can pull it all together. The Happy Family's podcast 438 00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:32,119 Speaker 1: returns tomorrow as we dive into more parental guidance and 439 00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:33,399 Speaker 1: talk about all the stuff that we haven't had a 440 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:35,280 Speaker 1: chance to talk about because there's so much to talk about. 441 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:36,800 Speaker 1: Thanks for listening, we'll see you tomorrow.