Speaker 1: Hey guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut.
Speaker 1: I'm Brittany and I'm Laura, and I feel really excited
Speaker 1: to be here today because I feel a bit rejuvenated.
Speaker 1: I had a weekend away and I feel like I've
Speaker 1: come back and I haven't seen you in like a week. Well,
Speaker 1: I feel rejuvenated too.
Speaker 2: Do you know what I've hit the point in my
Speaker 2: pregnancy now where yesterday I sneezed and I pissed myself.
Speaker 1: And I'm not talking like a little week I'm talking
Speaker 1: like in public sneeze and my bladder let go. So
Speaker 1: just to clarify, how do you feel rejuvenated because of that?
Speaker 1: Is that just makes you feel fresh, like you shower yourself,
Speaker 1: No being psychastic.
Speaker 2: I've just reached that point in my life now where
Speaker 2: I don't have control over my bodily functions like I
Speaker 2: thought I would get there when I was a geriatric,
Speaker 2: but apparently not.
Speaker 1: Thirty four is the year where.
Speaker 2: Now I don't have any control over my pelvic floor muscles.
Speaker 1: Okay, And so when you we yourself in public, is
Speaker 1: it just like the tiniest little bit or you mean
Speaker 1: like it's you're proper.
Speaker 2: Satched well normally. Look, I mean I've been at the
Speaker 2: at the sneeze and weir a little bit stage for
Speaker 2: a while. But yeah, like like, oh that's uncomfortable, but
Speaker 2: that just happened. No, this was like I sneezed and
Speaker 2: I wet myself.
Speaker 1: Like it wasn't.
Speaker 2: It wasn't like those cute commercials where you see where
Speaker 2: it's like, oh, I sometimes say sneeze and a little
Speaker 2: leakage comes out.
Speaker 1: Like I fully peed myself. This kid is sitting on
Speaker 1: my bladder and jumping up and down. I was like,
Speaker 1: here it comes in accidentally unfiltered stories on the podcast.
Speaker 1: I actually love that. Not love that for you, but
Speaker 1: I love that for me.
Speaker 2: I also have these like bruises I don't know, like
Speaker 2: to all the other pregnant women out there, I had
Speaker 2: these bruises all down the sides of my legs across
Speaker 2: my stomach because I don't have spatial awareness about how
Speaker 2: big I am and this has just happened in a
Speaker 2: very short period of time. So I run into walls.
Speaker 2: I run into the baby gate at home, I run
Speaker 2: into the baby gate at work. Like I just keep
Speaker 2: running into things that normally I would fit through, and
Speaker 2: I no longer fit through them like doors.
Speaker 1: I feel like that's because you, to me, as an
Speaker 1: outlooker looking in, I feel like you were like not pregnant,
Speaker 1: not pregnant, not pregnant, not pregnant, not pregnant, pregnant, like
Speaker 1: out of nowhere. Your belly just came out of nowhere.
Speaker 1: I thought you didn't look pregnant until literally maybe three
Speaker 1: weeks ago. So I reckon, that's what's happened. You just
Speaker 1: you're not used to it, and it wasn't there. It
Speaker 1: just popped out.
Speaker 2: That's exactly what's happened, knocking things left, right and center. Anyway,
Speaker 2: it's happening. It's actually happening sooner than what I keep remembering.
Speaker 2: I keep forgetting. I mean, you do have a date, Yeah,
Speaker 2: I do, and I keep forgetting what that date is,
Speaker 2: and it is quickly approaching, which is very frightening in
Speaker 2: my pants.
Speaker 1: Do you know what I love about this? Actually, I'm
Speaker 1: just going to tell the people our private conversations and
Speaker 1: our private concerns. I'm like, Laura, I've got some concerns.
Speaker 1: I'm a bit stressed about what's happening. What's gonna happen
Speaker 1: when you have the baby? How long you're gonna need
Speaker 1: a lot of time off. I was like, because you're
Speaker 1: gonna have a two year old a newborn. You run,
Speaker 1: Tony May, We've got the podcast. What we let's put
Speaker 1: some plans into place. Baby, It's fine, it's not even
Speaker 1: it's not even gonna be hard. She's like, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: be fine. I'll take like two weeks off. And I'm like,
Speaker 1: oh no, it's gonna be it's gonna be pretty hard.
Speaker 1: I think it's like nuts. It's having two is just
Speaker 1: like having one. And I'm in my head, I'm like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, this is I know, I can see
Speaker 1: this imploding. But I love your optimism.
Speaker 2: I'm somebody who thrives in chaos. So like, the more
Speaker 2: priotic my life is, the more I actually get shit done,
Speaker 2: and like that makes people who are like a personality
Speaker 2: types and very organized, very stressed. But when things are
Speaker 2: just out of control in my life, I'm like, oh,
Speaker 2: this is my element here.
Speaker 1: I am Laura and I do get We do our
Speaker 1: best work at like two am the day that something
Speaker 1: is due, when we're stressed to the nines. But this
Speaker 1: is me trying to really be like a good businessman.
Speaker 1: Business farder and like preempt the chaos is going to happen.
Speaker 1: But I think I can't. I think we're just gonna
Speaker 1: have to roll with it. Sit what happened, but.
Speaker 2: Also think of all the funny stories that are going
Speaker 2: to come as a result of this. But anyway, enough
Speaker 2: about me and not being able to fit three walls
Speaker 2: and peeing myself. Guys, here we are another episode. I'm
Speaker 2: sure that's not how you expected this one to start.
Speaker 1: I went away for the weekend to put mcquarie back
Speaker 1: home to the Fanbam. It was my sister Sherry's thirtieth,
Speaker 1: which was the longest bloody thirtieth. I feel like I've
Speaker 1: celebrated over two weeks. My Nana came from Sydney and
Speaker 1: we had this little house party. But my Nana and
Speaker 1: my mom and dad and they got lit. My Nana
Speaker 1: was lit like she she's like, I haven't partied in
Speaker 1: twenty years. She was down in the line. She was
Speaker 1: the life of the party. They loved it. But we
Speaker 1: had such a good time and.
Speaker 2: Was just imagining Nana Hockley doing fireballs and taking her
Speaker 2: top off.
Speaker 1: She was she was like there were photos of us
Speaker 1: where she's like you know when you're at I don't
Speaker 1: know why we even did this. We were all pretty drunk.
Speaker 1: You know when you do those FoST where you lift
Speaker 1: someone up sideways. My eighty five year old Nana, I
Speaker 1: was like sideways while these drunk people were thrown around.
Speaker 1: I'm like, just roll with it, roll with it. But
Speaker 1: it was just nice to get away. Also, the beaches
Speaker 1: in Port Macquarie incredible. No one's on them. It was
Speaker 1: just like you could have kilometers of empty beaches which
Speaker 1: you just will never get here. So I feel like
Speaker 1: it was a bit of a revive and maybe that's
Speaker 1: why I'm coming this morning with so much energy. So guys,
Speaker 1: you know, we've been working for a little while now
Speaker 1: with our friends over a Bumble. And you know that
Speaker 1: I have personally been working with Bumble because I have
Speaker 1: been on Bumble for seven years. But she's also been
Speaker 1: on a bus stop as the Bumble Ambassador. I'm not
Speaker 1: shy about it anyway. But because we've been working them,
Speaker 1: we have a really great funny segment coming up today
Speaker 1: where we're going to be talking about your best, funniest,
Speaker 1: most awkward, weird, and wonderful online bumble dating stories because
Speaker 1: we know there are a lot of them. Then we're
Speaker 1: going to be jumping into the episode today, guys, which
Speaker 1: we should probably tell you what it's about. It is
Speaker 1: about jealousy, and a very specific type of jealousy called
Speaker 1: retroactive or retrospective jealousy. Now that's something I hadn't heard before.
Speaker 1: I don't think you'd heard about it much, Laura. So
Speaker 1: we were like, let's jump into that.
Speaker 2: Well, it's definitely something that we hadn't heard the label for. However,
Speaker 2: someone was talking about it in the Facebook group and
Speaker 2: it's so retroactive jealousy is like when you are jealous
Speaker 2: of your partner's ex for example. Well, we'll get into
Speaker 2: that fully in a little while. But we both saw
Speaker 2: it and it came up in the Facebook group and
Speaker 2: we were like, this is such an interesting topic because
Speaker 2: jealousy is something that we all deal with at different
Speaker 2: points in our relationships. It's an emotion that's a bit icky,
Speaker 2: but we cannot get away from it. And we thought,
Speaker 2: being a relationship podcast, how have we gotten to this
Speaker 2: point and never spoken about jealousy. But before we get
Speaker 2: into that, I know you haven't accidentally unfilled the story
Speaker 2: for me.
Speaker 1: I do and it comes from one of our own.
Speaker 1: It was in our Facebook group, and I just had
Speaker 1: the biggest chuckle. It's Laura. I don't know if you've
Speaker 1: seen it, but basically this is what she says. She's
Speaker 1: grolling Facebook and she sees the Facebook Life Uncut group post.
Speaker 1: Then she sees another post under it, and she just
Speaker 1: assumes it was the Facebook Life on Cut group. The
Speaker 1: question was if you had to name your child after
Speaker 1: the last thing you touched, what would you call it?
Speaker 3: So she writes in penis ha And then like an
Speaker 3: hour later, when some other people in her community group
Speaker 3: write to her being like you can't post that, she
Speaker 3: realizes that she didn't write that in a Life on
Speaker 3: Cut group. It was just like a community suburb group
Speaker 3: and it was just like general questions between the moms
Speaker 3: like what would you call your kid if it was
Speaker 3: the last thing you touched? And she was like, Dirk,
Speaker 3: but she thought she was writing it to our group,
Speaker 3: and she was like, I'm fucking mortified, but I just
Speaker 3: thought that was a cutettle thing.
Speaker 2: Ever, are you guys go rogue in the life on
Speaker 2: cart group.
Speaker 1: We love it, We're here for it. If you want
Speaker 1: to call your kid penis look nah maybe actually no,
Speaker 1: let's be yeah, probably not okay, but also kind of funny.
Speaker 1: I imagine it like it's like the Bondi local group,
Speaker 1: you know, like the bi swap sell and stuff. I
Speaker 1: think she just put in a local suburb group.
Speaker 2: I think it's hilarious, although it really does open that
Speaker 2: up to interpretation. Name your kid, the last thing you touched.
Speaker 2: What would yours be? Porridge table, microphone?
Speaker 1: Mine would be spirrillina ha hah. That has made a
Speaker 1: green smoothie Go health anyway, guys, So, like.
Speaker 2: Britt said, we do have this very special segment today
Speaker 2: where we put a call out on our instagrams for
Speaker 2: your funniest Bumble online dating stories and wholely shit nickers.
Speaker 2: We have received some of the most hilarious stories, and
Speaker 2: like obviously we know that there are so many online
Speaker 2: dating success stories that come out of Bumble and come
Speaker 2: out of all of the different online platforms. However, they're
Speaker 2: not necessarily the funniest ones. A lot of the funny
Speaker 2: stories we've come out of this dating fails. Even with
Speaker 2: dating fails, there's often been times where they've turned into
Speaker 2: long term relationships. However, I do have a question for
Speaker 2: you britt And it's all about like what is the etiquette?
Speaker 2: So we had so many funny stories coming in, and
Speaker 2: one of the stories that came in really made me
Speaker 2: think about this. If you have match with someone on
Speaker 2: online dating, you've exchanged a few words with them, but
Speaker 2: you've not organized a date, it hasn't really gone any further.
Speaker 2: But then just say you're at the beach, or you're
Speaker 2: at a bar, or you're somewhere and you see them
Speaker 2: in real life. What is the etiquette there? Can you
Speaker 2: go up and talk to them? Can you go up
Speaker 2: and be like would you go up and say like, hey,
Speaker 2: we matched on bumble, like, let's date.
Speaker 1: Okay, I've spoken to them, but I've never met them
Speaker 1: in real life. I would probably not because I'd be like,
Speaker 1: there's no way they recognize who I am in real life.
Speaker 1: That's what I would think. I would be like, there's
Speaker 1: not another fucking who I am, Like my my online
Speaker 1: dating profile is pretty mint, Like I've got a bet.
Speaker 1: This is why I.
Speaker 2: Always say to you, like, you cannot putka and they
Speaker 2: think that this is a rule for online dating. You
Speaker 2: cannot put your absolute best photos where you look so
Speaker 2: much hotter than you normally look in day to day
Speaker 2: life for the fear of running into a match and
Speaker 2: then being like that girl looks vaguely like someone I
Speaker 2: matched on Bumble except less hot.
Speaker 1: I did that for so long, obviously, like you as
Speaker 1: like a CEV, so you put your best foot forward,
Speaker 1: until I realized this and I did change. I've got
Speaker 1: like a few really good photos, and then I've got
Speaker 1: a few like really normal photos, literally normal day to
Speaker 1: day I mean they're not my they're not my worst photos.
Speaker 1: I've tried to keep it semi normal and semi like,
Speaker 1: this is what I'm liking the date, but this is
Speaker 1: my potential at night, I can go from a seven
Speaker 1: to a ten reel clip now. So no, I think
Speaker 1: you're totally entitled to if you go. If you have
Speaker 1: seen someone and you're like, I think we've met on
Speaker 1: Bumble before, someone has said that to me. Actually, we're
Speaker 1: at the Royal in Bondai, which is our local. He
Speaker 1: came up to me and he's like, he's like, hey,
Speaker 1: we mushed on Bumble, but you didn't reply, and I
Speaker 1: was like, ah, did we There's the reason why we
Speaker 1: didn't apply. But no, I think definitely, I think you
Speaker 1: can one hundred percent cop and strike up the conversation
Speaker 1: because what is the difference? I agree, I.
Speaker 2: Guess the difference is like not having that anonymity, and
Speaker 2: like the fear of being rejected in real life is
Speaker 2: much greater than the fear of being rejected online. You've matched? Yeah, totally, Well, Okay.
Speaker 2: The reason why I thought I would ask this was
Speaker 2: because one of the funny story that came in and
Speaker 2: this is like, this is a success story, So this
Speaker 2: one isn't that funny. The rest of them are much
Speaker 2: much funnier. Usually the funny stories come when she's gone
Speaker 2: completely wrong. One of our listeners had been at the
Speaker 2: Opera bar and she was waiting to meet this guy
Speaker 2: who she'd matched. She was waiting for him, and this
Speaker 2: other guy came up to her and was like, Hey,
Speaker 2: we've matched on Bumble before, Like how you're going, And
Speaker 2: she was kind of like, this is really awkward because
Speaker 2: I'm here meeting someone else, but was trying to wrap
Speaker 2: the conversation up pretty quickly that at the same time
Speaker 2: was like, Oh, I'm really vibing this guy, Like he
Speaker 2: is hot, he is great. They had obvious real chemistry. Anyway,
Speaker 2: she went on her date. The date was a bit
Speaker 2: of a flog, and then at the end of the
Speaker 2: day the guy from the original matchually the guy who
Speaker 2: came up at the start, came up and was like,
Speaker 2: I'd love to be able to take you out sometime.
Speaker 1: And they're still together. Yes, there you go, it actually happens. Well,
Speaker 1: there's your answer everyone. If you see someone in the
Speaker 1: wild that you have matched online, approach them with caution,
Speaker 1: but approach them. Oh.
Speaker 2: I don't know if I had the guys, but anyway,
Speaker 2: let's get in some of these actual funny stories.
Speaker 1: I'm going to kick start. So I was meant to
Speaker 1: be meeting this beautiful, beautiful, tall, six foot three blonde
Speaker 1: man with freckles. He seemed super fit and had really
Speaker 1: good chat. I got to the place that we were
Speaker 1: supposed to meet, which was Manly wharf bar. I stood
Speaker 1: in the line with the COVID sign keep your distance
Speaker 1: weight here. Suddenly this random guy in the line with
Speaker 1: fiery red hair strikes up a conversation with me. I
Speaker 1: look at him, well, I looked down at him because
Speaker 1: he's shorter than me. I'm five ten and I was
Speaker 1: wearing my heels because why not. My hot date was
Speaker 1: six foot three. I say hi, and I try to
Speaker 1: be polite. I mean, I was looking pretty damn good,
Speaker 1: so I don't blame him. This guy starts asking me
Speaker 1: questions and I feel really awkward, and I look down
Speaker 1: at my phone trying to get away, and I see
Speaker 1: that there is a message from my hot date saying
Speaker 1: I'm in the line. I look around and I type
Speaker 1: I can't see you. Suddenly, this little guy with a
Speaker 1: fiery red hair checks his phone and it's the message
Speaker 1: that I had just sent. I wanted to die. He
Speaker 1: looked up at me and said, oh, your message just
Speaker 1: came through. The reception must be bad in here. I
Speaker 1: sat with my date the whole time, feeling like an awkward, big,
Speaker 1: friendly giant. He catfished her. That's so wrong, but also
Speaker 1: how funny that she's message in him saying I can't
Speaker 1: see you, and he's there and he's like, I'm just
Speaker 1: here receptions bat but also like he must.
Speaker 2: He's obviously had completely faith profile photos up.
Speaker 1: Do these people think is going to happen? You would
Speaker 1: be surprised.
Speaker 2: This was not the first one I received another one
Speaker 2: where the girl had gone to the bar and she
Speaker 2: was meeting this really hot African American guy, you know,
Speaker 2: six foot five, and then rocked up and it was
Speaker 2: a tiny, little redhead guy, and he was like, Hey,
Speaker 2: I'm sorry I catfish you, but I know you wouldn't
Speaker 2: have swiped right on me. But I'm hoping my personality
Speaker 2: might shine.
Speaker 1: Through what is wrong with people? No, okay, if this
Speaker 1: is my thing too, if you're gonna catfish, I'm not
Speaker 1: condoning it, but I'm just trying to get on this wavelength.
Speaker 1: I'll break it down, Brittany, if you are going to catfish,
Speaker 1: wouldn't you try to catfish with someone that was just
Speaker 1: like a remotely better version of you? Like, keep it
Speaker 1: on the same wavelength. If you're a short redhead, why
Speaker 1: would you put a six foot five black guy. If
Speaker 1: you're a short white man with red hair, why put
Speaker 1: a six foot five black man as your catfish? Like,
Speaker 1: you couldn't be more polar opposite at.
Speaker 2: Least, maybe keep it within the same ethnicity and also
Speaker 2: within the same hair coloring one hundred percent.
Speaker 1: Maybe just change the height a little bit.
Speaker 2: When I got that story through from this listener, I
Speaker 2: was like, why didn't you just get up and leave?
Speaker 2: Like I'm sorry, but no, good relationship has come from
Speaker 2: a basis of lying, Like, I don't think that that's
Speaker 2: a really great foundation to start from.
Speaker 1: Can I just ask you something on that if you
Speaker 1: went there to a date, because this hasn't actually happened
Speaker 1: to me, but if you went there and it was
Speaker 1: a blatant catfish and he's like, but please, I'm really nice,
Speaker 1: would you leave one hundred percent? Yeah, I would do.
Speaker 2: I think it's it's too uncomfortable. It's also like very suspicious,
Speaker 2: and like I would question how much of the rest
Speaker 2: of the conversation we've had was untrue. So I don't care, Like,
Speaker 2: I'm not basing this on what you look like. I'm
Speaker 2: not saying that this is because I find you unattractive.
Speaker 2: But if you have lied to me about that so casually,
Speaker 2: then I would think that you are very casual about
Speaker 2: lying about other aspects of your life. So I would
Speaker 2: be sitting there going I don't know what's real and
Speaker 2: not real anymore. This is not the foundation of what
Speaker 2: I want from a relationship. See you later. How Like,
Speaker 2: I'm not that invested in someone I.
Speaker 1: Don't know, all right, give me another one.
Speaker 2: Okay, So I met this guy on bumble and we
Speaker 2: had such good chemistry, heaps of banter. We went on
Speaker 2: a date and he picked me up and we went
Speaker 2: for far Is it far off?
Speaker 1: Fau? Oh, it's actually fuh fu.
Speaker 2: Okay, this is very controversial guys, if you say faux
Speaker 2: or if you say far.
Speaker 1: Now, I'm pretty sure it's far, but ninety percent people
Speaker 1: say faux.
Speaker 2: And I still say fau. But I'm only saying far
Speaker 2: because I don't want people to correct me.
Speaker 1: I just say, can I get them? Before?
Speaker 2: So they went to have some really spicy Asian soup.
Speaker 2: Now I'm one of those people who love spicy food.
Speaker 2: I mean the spicier the better. So here I am
Speaker 2: dishing a ton of chili onto my soup. The guy
Speaker 2: that I'm there with pretends that he also likes the
Speaker 2: heat too, so he's having at least double the amount
Speaker 2: that I'm having. I think he's trying to impress me
Speaker 2: by how much he likes chili. Beads of sweat all
Speaker 2: over his face, and after dinner he suggests that we
Speaker 2: go for a walk just around the river.
Speaker 1: It's a lovely view.
Speaker 2: All of a sudden, he is desperate for the toilet
Speaker 2: and he disappears.
Speaker 1: In chili shits, He disappears into a restaurant for a
Speaker 1: whole hour.
Speaker 2: When he gets back, he told me he actually shit
Speaker 2: his pants and.
Speaker 1: Wanted to and couldn't proceed on the walk.
Speaker 2: Obviously, I suggested that we go home. He was driving,
Speaker 2: so I had to sit in the car. His window
Speaker 2: was broken. It didn't go down on the passenger side.
Speaker 1: I can still remember the smell to this day, and
Speaker 1: it was over a year ago. Not my heart is
Speaker 1: actually breaking for him.
Speaker 2: Would you give him another chance? Do you know why
Speaker 2: you would?
Speaker 1: I would not, do you know what, because only because
Speaker 1: I have been in that position before where you could
Speaker 1: giving me a million dollars not to pooh, and I
Speaker 1: couldn't have done it. Like sometimes in life there's gonna
Speaker 1: be a moment where you need to pooh and it
Speaker 1: doesn't change who you are as a person.
Speaker 2: It just maybe changes you diet in the future. No
Speaker 2: more chili for you, man, Why is this a thing?
Speaker 2: Like I've seen this with other people. My mom and
Speaker 2: my stepdad do it as well. So they they love chili,
Speaker 2: both of them, but they have like chili almost like
Speaker 2: they had this like unspoken chili competition as to who
Speaker 2: can eat the hottest foods, and they're like, well, I
Speaker 2: like chili more than you like chili, and they buy
Speaker 2: some like ridiculous fifty dollars most expensive, most hottest chili
Speaker 2: in the world's sauce to put on all their food.
Speaker 2: They'll put it on fucking pancakes, and you're like, what
Speaker 2: are you? Who are you trying to prove this too?
Speaker 2: It doesn't taste good. It's like a dick competition.
Speaker 1: I think with guys also too, it's like who can
Speaker 1: eat the most chili like you're a man. But also,
Speaker 1: I think where this man went wrong, Surprisingly, it wasn't
Speaker 1: pooing his pants. Where he went wrong was not just
Speaker 1: ordering her an uber and paying for an uber. It
Speaker 1: was making her sit in his car when his window
Speaker 1: didn't work with the shit in there, pay for the
Speaker 1: girls uber.
Speaker 2: Think that where he went wrong was just not being
Speaker 2: all she can saying I don't like chili. I think
Speaker 2: that that could have all been sold right there at
Speaker 2: the very bit.
Speaker 1: You have given him another chance. Oh yeah, okay, this
Speaker 1: girl's name is Nadia. He's opening line on bumble, Hey Nya,
Speaker 1: don't worry about the d you'll get that later. She
Speaker 1: goes ah, thanks by no things.
Speaker 2: One guy asked me if I wanted to go to
Speaker 2: the beach and play shark attack. I asked, wait, what's
Speaker 2: shark attack? And he said, you scream while I eat
Speaker 2: you out. My name is Amanda.
Speaker 1: The first line in the message what's better than eating
Speaker 1: Amanda in eating Amanda out? Oh he's awful. But you
Speaker 1: know what, surely these people don't actually think these lines
Speaker 1: are gonna work. I think these guys are not invested,
Speaker 1: and I think they think it's it's funny to just
Speaker 1: do a throwaway and like, if it works great, If
Speaker 1: it doesn't mean and they're getting their own entertainment out
Speaker 1: of it, I totally agree.
Speaker 2: Okay, I have one more story to throw into the mix.
Speaker 2: And this guy I matched on Bumble kept talking about
Speaker 2: his two cats all night long. We had a pretty
Speaker 2: great date, however. He told me stories about all the
Speaker 2: funny things his cats did and how they always sit
Speaker 2: next to his bed at nighttime when he woke up,
Speaker 2: et cetera. He talked about his cats a lot. Towards
Speaker 2: the end of the date. He then asked me if
Speaker 2: I wanted to see pictures of his cats. I was like,
Speaker 2: all right, pal, I mean I like cats, but he
Speaker 2: was really into them. He took some printed pictures out
Speaker 2: of his bag and it turns out the cats were
Speaker 2: dead and they were taxidermy.
Speaker 1: So in my lock, oh my actual cos So in
Speaker 1: my mind, I went over all the things he'd been
Speaker 1: telling me in the last two hours about his cats,
Speaker 1: and it all got very, very fucking creepy. Did you
Speaker 1: machine his house? We were that girl rush. They were
Speaker 1: at a restaurant like that.
Speaker 2: This is the funny thing is is this wasn't the
Speaker 2: only story that I received from people who had either
Speaker 2: had a cat that passed away and was pretending that
Speaker 2: the cat was still alive because they thought that chicks
Speaker 2: like guys with cats.
Speaker 1: It's weird. Just buy a new cat. Yeah, get a cat,
Speaker 1: Get a cat. Leave the photos at home. Okay. I
Speaker 1: know that we was supposed to wrap it up, but
Speaker 1: I have another one. I could go on for ages.
Speaker 1: This girl, I'm not I'm just telling this story. This
Speaker 1: girl invited this not This girl went over to this
Speaker 1: guy's house for dinner. First date. He's like, come grab
Speaker 1: some pizza. Brilliant. She comes over, they start to eat
Speaker 1: their pizza. She's like, within an hour, you know what
Speaker 1: wasn't vibing it. Knew it wasn't going anywhere. So she
Speaker 1: wrapped up and she was like, I'm going to head home.
Speaker 1: Headed home. Got a message from him as soon as
Speaker 1: she got in the door that said, hey, charging you
Speaker 1: two dollars per piece of pizza. This is my bank details,
Speaker 1: please transfer.
Speaker 2: No, She's like, I had three pieces for real?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I reckon now she had three pieces of pizza
Speaker 1: and he asked for six dollars to be transferred into
Speaker 1: his account. Did she do it?
Speaker 3: Fuck?
Speaker 1: No? Has here?
Speaker 2: Okay, I've got one more and then we're gonna call
Speaker 2: it at this all right? So I recently downloaded Bumble
Speaker 2: and thought I'm gonna try dating multiple guys so I
Speaker 2: don't get overly attached. I had a first date lined
Speaker 2: up with a guy on a Friday night and it
Speaker 2: was drinks, drinks and tappers. And then I had another
Speaker 2: date lined up with another guy on the Saturday night,
Speaker 2: a chill, sunset picnic. The Friday date went way better
Speaker 2: than I ever expected, and I ended up back at
Speaker 2: his place. We spent the night there and we had
Speaker 2: mind blowing marathon sex. I left his place the next morning,
Speaker 2: went into work for a bit and then got ready
Speaker 2: for my second date, admittedly not really feeling like going
Speaker 2: on a second date with the new guy because I
Speaker 2: couldn't stop thinking about the first guy. Anyway, the picnic
Speaker 2: was lovely, the guy was fine. We ended up packing
Speaker 2: up and heading to a bar for a drink afterwards,
Speaker 2: where we were there for a couple of hours chatting
Speaker 2: when his friends rocked up. What do you think happened, Britt?
Speaker 3: What?
Speaker 1: What? What would happen to me? I would turn up
Speaker 1: and my date, I reckon her date from the Friday
Speaker 1: Night was like his roommate or his best friend or
Speaker 1: someone there in that group. So a group of his
Speaker 1: friends rocked up and it was the guy from the
Speaker 1: Friday Night It was Marathon Sex guy turned up to
Speaker 1: her date.
Speaker 2: However, this actual story has a very very happy ending,
Speaker 2: so obviously she wasn't vibing with Saturday Night guy. She
Speaker 2: was really transparent and said explain what had happened and
Speaker 2: then had her have like an awkward conversation with them both.
Speaker 2: But she's still now dating Friday Night guy.
Speaker 1: Yes, she is queen Marathon Sex. So look that's a
Speaker 1: win all around. Well, other thing with that is to
Speaker 1: no one that's a very unfortunate situation, but no one's
Speaker 1: actually in the wrong. It's just like, it's just unfortunate
Speaker 1: that she went on two dates in a weekend that
Speaker 1: happened to be with best friends. And I think the
Speaker 1: most people who are online dating can rationalize the fact
Speaker 1: that most people that they've gone on one date with
Speaker 1: are still open to meeting other people. They're still dating.
Speaker 2: You know, nobody locks down a date or locks down
Speaker 2: like a commitment after one date. I think that very
Speaker 2: few people would kind of go down that path.
Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely, get a girl, Well get it. Well, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna call it. This has been one of my favorite
Speaker 1: segments that we've done, and we have so many more
Speaker 1: coming in. We literally had hundreds that I reckon. We
Speaker 1: just whax them up on the Facebook group.
Speaker 2: We will put some of the more hilarious and inappropriate
Speaker 2: ones up on the Facebook group which is Life Uncut
Speaker 2: Podcast if you're not already following. But also we just
Speaker 2: want to say thank you again to Bumble for having
Speaker 2: a wicked sense of humor and allowing us to share
Speaker 2: some of the funniest online dating stories that you guys
Speaker 2: share with us. There has been so many that have
Speaker 2: come through. But the one thing that I think is
Speaker 2: so amazing from a lot of these stories is that
Speaker 2: no matter how ridiculous some of these stories may seem,
Speaker 2: so many of them have actually ended up in legitimate relationships. So, guys,
Speaker 2: for today's episode, we really wanted to have a conversation
Speaker 2: around jealousy.
Speaker 1: And you know, when we started.
Speaker 2: Talking about this, I was so surprised that we have
Speaker 2: managed to get through a year and a half of
Speaker 2: recordings and never done a full episode on jealousy and
Speaker 2: jealousy in relationships, jealousy in friendship groups, the whole spectrum
Speaker 2: of what jealousy is, because quite seriously, it's probably one
Speaker 2: of the most common negative emotions that we feel in relationships.
Speaker 2: And you know, even if you don't think that you're
Speaker 2: a jealous person at all, I'm sure that there has
Speaker 2: been times in your relationships or times in your friendships
Speaker 2: where that, you know, green demon has raised its head
Speaker 2: a little bit, and it's something we all deal with.
Speaker 2: It's a very very common feeling. But for some people,
Speaker 2: jealousy can be something that becomes overwhelming and obsessive in
Speaker 2: their relationships and it can really damage and break down
Speaker 2: our self confidence, our self worth and become a wedge
Speaker 2: in our relationships as well, so we wanted to talk
Speaker 2: about this. It's also something that's come up quite a
Speaker 2: lot recently in the Facebook group and we've had a
Speaker 2: few questions surrounding it, and we're going to break down
Speaker 2: the different types of what jealousy is and how people
Speaker 2: can experience it and what triggers it. Then we're also
Speaker 2: going to talk about some coping mechanisms, and we then
Speaker 2: want to dive into a very specific type of jealousy,
Speaker 2: which is called retroactive or retrospectivejealousy, and retroactive jealousy is
Speaker 2: basically when you are in a relationship with your partner
Speaker 2: now and you feel jealousy about their ex and become
Speaker 2: obsessive or jealous about the relationships that they've had in
Speaker 2: the past. So we're going to fully unpack that because
Speaker 2: I think that that's a very interesting and specific kind
Speaker 2: of jealousy that I know I have personally felt before.
Speaker 2: And I will tell you all my deep, dark secrets, guys,
Speaker 2: but before we get into it, I just want to
Speaker 2: quickly give you a bit of a definition around what
Speaker 2: jealousy is. And that's because I mean, obviously we all
Speaker 2: know what it is, we've all felt it. But I
Speaker 2: think that there is also often a misconception that jealousy
Speaker 2: and envy are the same things. So envy is something
Speaker 2: very different to jealousy. Envy is when you are envious
Speaker 2: of something that somebody else has. Maybe they have a
Speaker 2: amazing relationship, or that you perceive them to have an
Speaker 2: amazing relationship, and you're envious that you don't have that.
Speaker 2: Maybe they seem really successful to you and you're envious
Speaker 2: that you're not as successful as them. That is not
Speaker 2: the same as jealousy. Jealousy is actually a really preemptive emotion,
Speaker 2: and jealousy is something that you feel when you already
Speaker 2: have something, So it's a protective emotion. So if you're
Speaker 2: already in that relationship but you feel threatened by an
Speaker 2: external source, ie you think that girl is trying to
Speaker 2: take your man, that is when you can feel jealousy.
Speaker 2: So you have to already have something in your life
Speaker 2: to feel jealous about losing. And they say it's a
Speaker 2: preemptive emotion because it's us trying to protect ourselves from
Speaker 2: the loss, from feeling hurt, from feeling pain, from feeling trauma.
Speaker 2: If our partner was to do something to abandon us.
Speaker 2: That's where jealousy comes from.
Speaker 1: Yeah, envy is often associated more with monetary things and
Speaker 1: superficial values, like you're envious of someone's car or someone's house.
Speaker 1: It's not usually tied into romance as such. That is,
Speaker 1: like Laura said, that is when you become jealous because
Speaker 1: you're scared of actually losing that. You're not scared of
Speaker 1: losing your car. You know, you're not scared of losing
Speaker 1: these monetary things. That is why say, jealousy and being
Speaker 1: envious of something you are very different and you need
Speaker 1: to work out the difference. And I think jealousy is
Speaker 1: something that no one wants to ever admit that they are.
Speaker 1: We also we almost deem it as a negative characteristic
Speaker 1: that we have, like I'm not a jealous person. No way,
Speaker 1: I'm not being jealous. I don't care when it doesn't
Speaker 1: always have to be. And that's something we're going to
Speaker 1: get into as well. Sometimes it can be a positive
Speaker 1: in a relationship, but I can guarantee you if you
Speaker 1: start to think about your past relationships, all of us
Speaker 1: have had a moment of jealousy, especially in romantic relationships.
Speaker 1: Obviously there's jealousy that rears it suddenly head in the
Speaker 1: workplace and in friendship groups and in every other aspect
Speaker 1: of your life. But almost everyone has experienced some type
Speaker 1: of jealousy in a relationship, and Laura, no one more
Speaker 1: so than you.
Speaker 2: So you know what, though, like, Okay, I will straight
Speaker 2: up put my hand up and say that I have
Speaker 2: definitely been really jealous in past relationships. And I now
Speaker 2: realize now that I'm in a really healthy, secure relationship
Speaker 2: where I don't feel jealous. I understand what triggers that
Speaker 2: in me, and I think that that's something like to
Speaker 2: be really cognizant of.
Speaker 1: And I listened to loads of.
Speaker 2: Podcasts and I read loads of articles before we did
Speaker 2: this recording. And the reason why was because I wanted
Speaker 2: to really get my head around, like, you know, why
Speaker 2: it is that we feel this way, and why is
Speaker 2: it that I felt jealous in one relationship but not
Speaker 2: in another. Some of the other articles and podcasts they
Speaker 2: listened to, they really kind of drove the point home
Speaker 2: that being jealous is your shit and it's something that
Speaker 2: you need to work through, like it's your problem, it's
Speaker 2: not your partner's problem. I don't necessarily believe that. Okay,
Speaker 2: I think that you can be in relationships that insanely
Speaker 2: inflame your jealousy and their relationships that aren't built on trust,
Speaker 2: their relationships that are very toxic, or they're fragile, or
Speaker 2: they're volatile, And I mean, for me, I'll just talk
Speaker 2: about my own personal experience for a little bit if
Speaker 2: you give me the microphone.
Speaker 1: That's actually that was the question that I asked you,
Speaker 1: and then you just went on. I was like, Wow,
Speaker 1: is she gonna tell me her jealousy story or so?
Speaker 1: I have a few.
Speaker 2: But I mean, like you guys know, and I've spoken
Speaker 2: about it really openly that I've definitely been in a
Speaker 2: few toxic relationships that were kind of back to back
Speaker 2: there for a little while. One of them, which was
Speaker 2: the worst, and I've spoken about it quite a few times.
Speaker 2: There was a lot of gas lighting in the relationship.
Speaker 2: There was a lot of him. He would physically and
Speaker 2: visibly flirt with other girls in front of me. He
Speaker 2: never really made our relationship public. He never spoke about
Speaker 2: our relationship on social media. He never really made it
Speaker 2: known to other people that we were together, even though
Speaker 2: we were together for about two years, and that in
Speaker 2: itself made me really insecure, and it made me really
Speaker 2: question my worth in the relationship. Every time he had
Speaker 2: contact or he became friends with a girl, or somebody
Speaker 2: started following him who I didn't know, who was outside
Speaker 2: of our you know, Like I was like, who the
Speaker 2: fuck is this new girl following you on social media?
Speaker 2: And it made me really insane. But the reason why
Speaker 2: I felt insane in that relationship was because bottom line,
Speaker 2: I didn't trust him. Bottom line, I shouldn't have trusted
Speaker 2: trusted him because he was cheating on me and was
Speaker 2: doing the wrong thing, And so the jealousy that I
Speaker 2: felt was completely warranted. However, the way I expressed my
Speaker 2: jealousy was completely incorrectly. So I would get jealous, and
Speaker 2: then I would be angry at the girl, I would
Speaker 2: be angry at whoever it was that he was showing
Speaker 2: affection too. Instead of realizing that actually these actions and
Speaker 2: these behaviors were him and he was the problem, and
Speaker 2: having enough self confidence and respect for myself to actually
Speaker 2: leave the relationship, I kept on trying to fix it,
Speaker 2: or fix him, or fix our problems, when really I
Speaker 2: was jealous. There was a reason that my body was
Speaker 2: telling me to feel that way, and I really should
Speaker 2: have just had more respect for myself and left fair.
Speaker 1: I was trying to think back to like my past
Speaker 1: relationships when I was thinking, have I been jealous? What
Speaker 1: my situations? And I've got like one main one that's serious,
Speaker 1: and I've got one that's fucking funny. I was in
Speaker 1: my first relationship, as you guys know, for eight years,
Speaker 1: no jealousy, never experienced it never because I never felt insecure.
Speaker 1: I never felt like he was gonna leave me for
Speaker 1: someone else. I never felt like I wasn't good enough
Speaker 1: for him. It was just a healthy, secure relationship. So
Speaker 1: I didn't know what jealousy was because I had I
Speaker 1: had been with him since I was sixteen. My next
Speaker 1: relationship was with the sociopath, who I was trying to
Speaker 1: pinpoint if it was jealousy that I was feeling, but
Speaker 1: I actually don't think it was because I didn't have
Speaker 1: any outlet in that relationship to feel jealous. For example,
Speaker 1: I felt two years of insecurity and not feeling good
Speaker 1: enough and wondering where he was and trust issues, but
Speaker 1: there wasn't a chance to be jealous because I didn't
Speaker 1: know anyone in his life he didn't have social media, Facebook, Instagram, nothing.
Speaker 1: I wasn't ever around him, and his friends weren't. We
Speaker 1: barely went in public together. We're always just on like
Speaker 1: little week ends away or like I just want you
Speaker 1: to myself, like let's go to this hotel and all
Speaker 1: this stuff. So when I'm thinking back, I'm like, wow,
Speaker 1: I actually wasn't jealous because there was no one or
Speaker 1: nothing to be jealous of. The only thing I'd be
Speaker 1: jealous of was that maybe he was spending too much
Speaker 1: time at work with his friends. And I was jealous
Speaker 1: of his colleagues because they were spending more time with
Speaker 1: him than me. But that's it, So like I didn't
Speaker 1: get it. Then then I met this guy and I
Speaker 1: just loved him. It was like love at first sight.
Speaker 1: Spent just one weekend with him. I've spoken to you
Speaker 1: guys about it before. I just I met him online
Speaker 1: and he moved back overseas, and we are to this day.
Speaker 1: Probably it's been like six years and we're still really
Speaker 1: really close friends. But in the early days we still
Speaker 1: started to talk every day and he went back. We
Speaker 1: were never gonna be together. He leaves overseas in America,
Speaker 1: but we're still talking every day, and then he was
Speaker 1: telling me, you know, I'm seeing this new girl, and
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm really happy for you, like, because I
Speaker 1: can't have you, I want you to be happy great,
Speaker 1: But of course I was like, who the fuck is she?
Speaker 2: You're like, I'm going to find her on social media
Speaker 2: and stillk the shit out of her.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm like who is this girl? And like why
Speaker 1: who is she? Is she good enough for you?
Speaker 3: Like?
Speaker 1: What is it about her that you know? Why I
Speaker 1: want you move back to Australia for me? Like in
Speaker 1: all these crazy things. So I found her on Facebook
Speaker 1: and I was just talking a page and I was
Speaker 1: just trying to go through whatever. I love crazy, Brittany.
Speaker 1: This is the only time I've done it, and it's
Speaker 1: doing crazy. Like I wasn't ever gonna do anything. I
Speaker 1: just wanted to see what she looked like. And then
Speaker 1: that was it. Got out of a page. Then I
Speaker 1: get a message a couple of hours later, why have
Speaker 1: you befriended bray On on Facebook? And I was like
Speaker 1: I feel sick? And I was like what They're like,
Speaker 1: have you been looking up my relationship? And I was like,
Speaker 1: what are you talking about? No? I was like I
Speaker 1: don't even know what her name is she's and he
Speaker 1: sent me a screenshow He's like, you've literally there's a
Speaker 1: friend request from you. This is why you don't talk
Speaker 1: because you're so bad at it. I'm so bad to
Speaker 1: leave betrayal. Anyway, I just owned it, and I was like, okay, look,
Speaker 1: I was interested in what she looks like. I was like,
Speaker 1: obviously my fat finger was pressed friend requests. I was like,
Speaker 1: I wasn't doing anything wrong. He laughed, but he's like,
Speaker 1: he's like, now it's caused the problem because she's like
Speaker 1: who's this girl? Because we're the only mutual friend and
Speaker 1: now I've had to tell her you And I'm like,
Speaker 1: well sorry, like obviously like low key meant to. But
Speaker 1: I was like sorry, anyway, That's the only time I've
Speaker 1: experienced jealousy, and I can't experience it anymore because it
Speaker 1: just doesn't work out for me.
Speaker 2: I guess when I look back on my relationship with
Speaker 2: the man who will never be named Voldemort, literally the
Speaker 2: human equivalent of Voldemort. I remember this one time as
Speaker 2: well where we were out at a nightclub and we
Speaker 2: were at Casa Blanca's.
Speaker 1: Guys with the good old days, and there was.
Speaker 2: This girl who was very, very very flirty with him,
Speaker 2: and he was like a tall, very attractive man, and
Speaker 2: she was very flirty with him, and he knew that
Speaker 2: she was there, like it was very obvious that she
Speaker 2: was trying to, you know, show that she was president,
Speaker 2: that she was interested in him, and he was doing
Speaker 2: his best to appear to be single like he was not.
Speaker 2: He didn't put his arm around me, he didn't reassure me,
Speaker 2: he didn't do any of those things.
Speaker 1: A lot of peacocking going around. Oh my god, his
Speaker 1: dick was fucking flailing in the wind normal Double Bay
Speaker 1: on a Saturday night.
Speaker 2: So I said to him, I was like, look, I'm
Speaker 2: feeling a little bit insecure, Like I feel like you're
Speaker 2: very obviously flirting with this girl and and like I
Speaker 2: would like you to stop, like maybe make me feel
Speaker 2: maybe make me feel like we're the ones who are
Speaker 2: here together for because we are. I turn around and
Speaker 2: two seconds later he's dancing with her like she's dry
Speaker 2: humping his leg in front of me, and I was like,
Speaker 2: what are you actually doing? Like what the fuck is
Speaker 2: going on here? I'm just thinking, what are you actually doing?
Speaker 2: And he yeah, I know why didn't I leave right crazy?
Speaker 2: And then he turned that around to me and was like,
Speaker 2: you're crazy, you know you're you're you're so insecure, you're
Speaker 2: the one that has problems. And like going back to this, like, yes,
Speaker 2: I was insecure and I did have problems in that
Speaker 2: relationship one hundred percent, but those problems were founded because
Speaker 2: of his behavior and unlike we've talked about narcissistic personality disorder,
Speaker 2: we've talked about gas ladding on this podcast before. I
Speaker 2: really think that like, if you're behaving in a way
Speaker 2: that's not the way that you normally behave in relationships, Like,
Speaker 2: if you're in a relationship that's making you feel crazy, crazy,
Speaker 2: jealous to the point where you're blinded by it, you
Speaker 2: really need to break down and look at the source
Speaker 2: of where it's coming from. Because it may not be
Speaker 2: that you are crazy. It may be that your relationship
Speaker 2: is really insecure and it's really toxic, and you need
Speaker 2: to have some confidence and make some changes to your life.
Speaker 2: And I think that you know when you break it down,
Speaker 2: when you're feeling jealous in a relationship, like so much
Speaker 2: of that comes from a lack of self confidence and
Speaker 2: a lack of feeling worthy and being scared that maybe
Speaker 2: your partner is going to find someone better, or find
Speaker 2: someone funnier, or find someone who they click with more
Speaker 2: than they click with you, And it's that fear that
Speaker 2: maybe they might leave you, which is what really sparks
Speaker 2: that feeling of like, oh, who are you texting?
Speaker 1: What are you doing?
Speaker 2: There are cases, and like we all know that there
Speaker 2: are cases where where both women and men can fabricate
Speaker 2: and manifest things that aren't actually there as well. So obviously,
Speaker 2: when I speak about my experience, it's an isolated case
Speaker 2: where the jealousy was warranted.
Speaker 1: However, there are cases where.
Speaker 2: You know, maybe your new boyfriend is friends with girls, right,
Speaker 2: maybe he's got several girlfriends who he's quite close with
Speaker 2: and he chats to, and that in and of itself
Speaker 2: makes you feel jealous and insecure. Those feelings aren't necessarily warranted,
Speaker 2: like if he's not doing anything wrong, then then that's
Speaker 2: when you have to really think about the fact that
Speaker 2: maybe this feeling of jealousy is coming from you, and
Speaker 2: that you're the one who's creating this and you're the
Speaker 2: one that's manifesting this. One of the ways to try
Speaker 2: and bridge that divide and kind of break down what
Speaker 2: seems like this mystery relationship that him and his friend
Speaker 2: has is you need to get to know the friend.
Speaker 2: You need to be included in all aspects of their life,
Speaker 2: you know. And if your boyfriend is really great friends
Speaker 2: with some hot chicks, like if he's trying to include
Speaker 2: you in that friendship and bring you out, you know,
Speaker 2: when they all go hang out and like introduce you
Speaker 2: and you are able to create a bond and create
Speaker 2: a friendship with them as well, then by just like
Speaker 2: bridging that divide a little bit, that's what's going to
Speaker 2: help you break down those feelings of jealousy and realize, like, oh,
Speaker 2: what you have perceived in your mind to be this great,
Speaker 2: big threat actually a normal person who they are legitimately
Speaker 2: friends with.
Speaker 1: Yeah, the number one thing to do is just to
Speaker 1: figure out what you're jealous about, Why you're jealous. Where
Speaker 1: does this jealousy stem from? Is it warranted or not?
Speaker 1: Is this coming because he's making you feel jealous? Is
Speaker 1: this coming because you had a really bad, horrific relationship
Speaker 1: in the past. Is it coming because you don't trust him?
Speaker 1: Is it coming because you don't trust yourself? Where is
Speaker 1: it stemming from, because you need to be hyper aware
Speaker 1: that if it's not warranted, you need to do something
Speaker 1: about that, and you need to take full responsibility for that.
Speaker 1: Because if there's nothing that your partner is doing to
Speaker 1: actually make you jealous and you're still jealous, that is
Speaker 1: something you need to deal with straight away, or it
Speaker 1: is your relationship will end because your partner's going to
Speaker 1: come to a point where they're saying, you've got to
Speaker 1: let me live my life. I love you and I
Speaker 1: have done nothing wrong, and you constantly make me feel bad.
Speaker 1: Having said that, if your partner is doing the wrong
Speaker 1: thing and you are feeling like you can't trust him,
Speaker 1: then you're feeling like you can't trust him for a reason,
Speaker 1: usually where there's smoke the fire, and that is something
Speaker 1: that you also need to deal with. You need to
Speaker 1: feel you're okay. No, I actually don't feel secure in
Speaker 1: this relationship, and I don't like that you're talking to
Speaker 1: this girl without me. There, I don't like that you're
Speaker 1: meeting up with your female work colleague without me. And
Speaker 1: then you have an open conversation with your partner and
Speaker 1: you deal with it. If he doesn't want to meet
Speaker 1: you halfway and he doesn't want to accept that you're
Speaker 1: feeling this way and you're feeling vulnerable, then that's a
Speaker 1: whole nother ballgame, and that's something you're going to have
Speaker 1: to address together, and you're going to have to decide
Speaker 1: if you actually want to stay in a relationship where
Speaker 1: you feel isn't nurturing what you need and there's no
Speaker 1: futual respect. So there's so many aspects to it, but
Speaker 1: the first step is figuring out where you're jealousy is
Speaker 1: coming from and why you're feeling it.
Speaker 2: If you're in a normal, secure and happy relationship and
Speaker 2: you were to express your feelings to your partner and say, look,
Speaker 2: you know, I'm feeling really jealous because of your relationship
Speaker 2: that you have with X person, or because of the
Speaker 2: way your coworker messages you at ten o'clock at night,
Speaker 2: whatever it is. If you express to your partner why
Speaker 2: you're feeling jealous, like somebody who loves you and somebody
Speaker 2: who supports you and somebody who's not doing anything wrong
Speaker 2: will want to reassure you, and they will also like
Speaker 2: try and understand why you feel the way you feel,
Speaker 2: and they will make steps or try and do things
Speaker 2: to kind of ease that anxiety that you have around it,
Speaker 2: and they will respect that conversation.
Speaker 1: I really genuinely think that.
Speaker 2: But if somebody is doing the wrong, or they are defensive,
Speaker 2: or they try and gas at you and say like, well,
Speaker 2: you're crazy, you're making this up, there's not really any
Speaker 2: room for conversation there. There's not really any room for
Speaker 2: your feelings to be validated, even if your feelings are wrong,
Speaker 2: even if they haven't done anything wrong at all. Like,
Speaker 2: one of my best friends is a guy. So if
Speaker 2: Matt came to me and said, Haila, I'm feeling a
Speaker 2: little bit insecure about your relationship with Todd. Can we
Speaker 2: have a chat about it? I would be like, holy shit,
Speaker 2: I'm so sorry that you feel like that. Like, obviously,
Speaker 2: Todd and I have been friends for ten years. Nothing
Speaker 2: is going on there, Nothing would ever go on there.
Speaker 2: I would hope that you would know that. But why
Speaker 2: don't we all go for dinner? Why don't we go
Speaker 2: and have drinks? Like, I'm not going to cut him
Speaker 2: out of my life, I'm not going to stop talking
Speaker 2: to him, but I would make sure that Matt fe
Speaker 2: secure enough and understood that that friendship as much as
Speaker 2: it's so important to me, I'm not going to jeopardize
Speaker 2: my relationship because of my friendship.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you just but what you're doing is compromise and
Speaker 1: meeting Matt halfway totally. That's what you need to do. Now,
Speaker 1: have a question for you or you about to say something? Ye, well,
Speaker 1: I was gonna say.
Speaker 2: It's actually like when you when you have a person
Speaker 2: of the opposite sex is a best friend, it always
Speaker 2: triggers some conversation like I have, like, you know, this
Speaker 2: guy and I we've been friends for a really long time.
Speaker 2: Nothing sexual has ever happened. We are only and have
Speaker 2: always been friends. But every single guy I've dated in
Speaker 2: that last ten years has made the comment of like, oh, well,
Speaker 2: I'm sure that if you tried it on, he would
Speaker 2: go for it. You know, I'm sure that if you
Speaker 2: were open to it would be accepting of it. And
Speaker 2: I'm like, no, Actually, we have a legitimate friendship where
Speaker 2: we have traveled overseas together, we have gotten drunk together,
Speaker 2: We've stayed in the same hotel together. Nothing has ever happened,
Speaker 2: nothing would ever happen because we are so like brother
Speaker 2: and sister and platonic in that way. So I do
Speaker 2: think that they're is that little element of jealousy where
Speaker 2: you know, even for a partner to say, oh, well,
Speaker 2: i'm sure, if I'm sure, if the circumstances were different,
Speaker 2: something would come out of it. So there is that
Speaker 2: little tiny questioning and doubt. But as the person as
Speaker 2: me who has that relationship, it's my responsibility to make
Speaker 2: sure that my partner doesn't feel jealous of that friendship.
Speaker 2: That's really important to me.
Speaker 1: Absolutely and most of my friends. I have so many
Speaker 1: male friends. I always have. Since I was a kid,
Speaker 1: I always had more male friends than female friends. I
Speaker 1: was such a tomboy. I did all the boy sports,
Speaker 1: and I just feel like I get along with them better,
Speaker 1: they get me better, and I know that that will
Speaker 1: one day become an issue even with some people I've dated.
Speaker 1: I have a photo of me my best friend in
Speaker 1: my room that he gave me. It's us at the
Speaker 1: beach together. Look, I'm like, sure, we probably always look
Speaker 1: like a couple, but it's because we've been best friends
Speaker 1: for so long, nothing has ever happened. And he was
Speaker 1: a bit like, oh, like, what's what's the photo for?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 1: And he was feeling insecure, and I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: it's my best friend literally best friends. For ages explained
Speaker 1: it tried to make him feel okay about it, but
Speaker 1: I could see within him he was a bit like, sure,
Speaker 1: nothing's happened. Yeah, but that was just early days, and
Speaker 1: it's going to be an issue for me one day,
Speaker 1: for sure. I feel like people are gonna question it.
Speaker 1: But I will never ever stop a friendship with someone
Speaker 1: that I have been long term friends with because my
Speaker 1: partner is jealous. What I will do is, like you said,
Speaker 1: and just try and bridge the gap, make them friends,
Speaker 1: make us all friends, make it realize that there's no threat.
Speaker 1: My question to you is what would bother you more
Speaker 1: or what do you feel like you would be more
Speaker 1: jealous of physical intimacy, like your partner cheating on you,
Speaker 1: or your partner cheating with like emotional intimacy. So I'm
Speaker 1: mad cheating or physic I know, and I'm putting it
Speaker 1: only because I have read a study on it and
Speaker 1: I found it interesting. So I want to know what
Speaker 1: your thoughts are.
Speaker 2: I think that they both fucking suck. I think as
Speaker 2: someone who's been cheated on in my past relationships, I
Speaker 2: find it really really hard to overcome. And I think
Speaker 2: that the physical cheating for me unfolds the emotional cheating,
Speaker 2: so it's like they go hand in hand, so I
Speaker 2: can't say one of them is worse than the other.
Speaker 2: I think emotional cheating is horrendous because it really starts
Speaker 2: to degrade and disintegrate your relationship because you think, well,
Speaker 2: we have this special connection, but now you have a
Speaker 2: special connection with someone else. However, physical cheating for me,
Speaker 2: I start to second guess everything. I then question where
Speaker 2: they are when they say they're somewhere, I then feel.
Speaker 1: So for me, I can't pick one. They're both fucking suck.
Speaker 1: So for me, mine is what I think is worse
Speaker 1: is emotional cheating. And I know, like a lot of
Speaker 1: people gonna disagree with me. That's also fine. Like it
Speaker 1: seems from your explanation, Laura, that like the physical thing
Speaker 1: is what stabs you in the heart more, the emotional
Speaker 1: thing for me is what stabs me in the heart more.
Speaker 2: Yeah, like the physical thing, I know, the thing is.
Speaker 2: The emotional thing gets me like and absolutely destroying. But
Speaker 2: like the physical thing, for me, it erodes the relationship.
Speaker 1: Like I think I can get over it, but I
Speaker 1: don't think I.
Speaker 2: Ever actually fully forgive or fully rebuild trust. So every
Speaker 2: time I have been cheated on in a relationship, I've
Speaker 2: always tried to make it work, but in the end,
Speaker 2: I feel like, you know, months down the track or
Speaker 2: yearsed down the track, I've never fully gotten over it,
Speaker 2: and I always hold some resentment. And I think if
Speaker 2: you've if you've gone through cheating in your relationship and
Speaker 2: you're trying to work through it, you have to get
Speaker 2: to a point eventually where you don't hold animosity to
Speaker 2: it and you don't hold resentment because it just erodes
Speaker 2: your relationship.
Speaker 1: Well, So, there was a study published in the Evolutionary
Speaker 1: Psychology in a two thousand and four journal that when
Speaker 1: asked about sexual versus emotional infidelity, respondents of both sexes
Speaker 1: reported they were more jealous about their partner's emotional infidelity. Now,
Speaker 1: this for me, I was like one hundred percent. So
Speaker 1: my sociopath X literally fucked like hundreds of girls, like
Speaker 1: it was like always having And I found that out later.
Speaker 1: But he was always having these sexual relationships with people
Speaker 1: were that meant nothing to him, but he was just
Speaker 1: doing it because he needed it. Then I found out
Speaker 1: he had this other relationship with someone for six years.
Speaker 1: That was emotional, and I've read the messages of him
Speaker 1: saying I love you so much, I'm starting his life
Speaker 1: with you. And the bit that bothered me was reading
Speaker 1: his emotional connection to her not pow. I couldn't even.
Speaker 1: I didn't even it didn't even register on my radar
Speaker 1: that he'd had sex with all these people, because I
Speaker 1: was like, oh, my god, you were so in love
Speaker 1: and obsessed and had this emotional connection with someone else,
Speaker 1: and that's that's one hundred percent what I was more
Speaker 1: jealous of than a physical thing. And I found that
Speaker 1: really weird because I was like, why aren't you caring
Speaker 1: about all the people if my sisters, why an't you
Speaker 1: caring about the people he slept with? And I'm like,
Speaker 1: I care about them, for sure, But in my mind,
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, you had sex with someone. You never
Speaker 1: thought her again about it again, it was a physical thing.
Speaker 1: You wouldn't even pick her out of a lineup, but
Speaker 1: you were invested in this person and like you were
Speaker 1: planning a life with them, and you know, you literally
Speaker 1: loved them. So I think personally in a relationship, and
Speaker 1: obviously this study agrees that that is more powerful, and
Speaker 1: I think That's where things really do start to unwind,
Speaker 1: is when you've seen that someone else their heart is
Speaker 1: with someone else as well. I think that's where it
Speaker 1: really drives home.
Speaker 2: This kind of leads us into this conversation about retrospective jealousy.
Speaker 1: So I mentioned what it is.
Speaker 2: It's when and like I have felt this, guys, it's
Speaker 2: when you're jealous. You're in a happy relationship, you're in
Speaker 2: a healthy relationship, but you're jealous of your partner's X,
Speaker 2: and like you can become obsessed with your partner's ex.
Speaker 2: This idea comes from like the fantasy that maybe they
Speaker 2: love they love them more, or maybe there was something
Speaker 2: there that's unfinished, or maybe you know, they talked about
Speaker 2: how you know, that was the person who the only
Speaker 2: other person that they've loved in their life and they
Speaker 2: thought they were going to get married, but for whatever reason,
Speaker 2: it didn't work out, and so you become obsessed with
Speaker 2: this thought that like, well, maybe I'm not as good
Speaker 2: as them, Maybe if circumstances were different, he would still
Speaker 2: be with them, And so, like, you can really go
Speaker 2: down a pretty bad rabbit hole with retrospective jealousy. Have
Speaker 2: you ever experienced this, Like, have you ever like had
Speaker 2: a boyfriend and been like feelings or like wanting to
Speaker 2: check up his ex or look at his ex on
Speaker 2: social media and then being like, fuck, she's really pretty
Speaker 2: and then being like, well maybe I'm not as pretty
Speaker 2: as her, and then going down that rabbit hole like
Speaker 2: have you ever done this? I feel like this is
Speaker 2: so common. I mean, I'm hoping this is so cool.
Speaker 1: No, I think it's actually completely I don't think this
Speaker 1: comes into a jealousy thing. This category for like normal relationships.
Speaker 1: I think it's super normal when you meet someone dating
Speaker 1: someone early stages to have an interest in like, Okay,
Speaker 1: who were you in love with before? Like who was
Speaker 1: it that took your fancy for all those years? What
Speaker 1: did she look like? Why? What's so good about her?
Speaker 1: I think it's normal to just like want to see
Speaker 1: what she looks like and check her out. But I
Speaker 1: don't do it anymore because I did it once. I've
Speaker 1: seeing this guy I really liked in London. He was incredible.
Speaker 1: I looked up I didn't and I mean I thought
Speaker 1: he was wonderful. I didn't know a lot about him.
Speaker 1: Was three months, we were just chilling. I looked up
Speaker 1: his after three months I looked up his ex and
Speaker 1: she was like, I'm not kidding. She was from Malibu.
Speaker 1: She was like a supermodel, legitimate. She was actually quite failing.
Speaker 1: Carless is not helping my insecurities. Now, she's actually quite famous.
Speaker 1: And then as soon as I looked at her the
Speaker 1: relationship was fine. I was like, well, fuck, well, he's
Speaker 1: never gonna like me, when really he did like me
Speaker 1: because we were seeing each other. But then I got
Speaker 1: in my own head. I got insecure because she was
Speaker 1: beautiful and stunning and they were together for three years,
Speaker 1: and I ruined the relationship. So I actually pro am
Speaker 1: proactive about trying not to look at people's past anymore.
Speaker 2: It's really funny, isn't it, Because it's one of those
Speaker 2: things that's like a total catch twenty two Because when
Speaker 2: you start dating someone, you want to feel like you
Speaker 2: know them and you're connected to them, and like that
Speaker 2: you know every single thing about them, so you ask
Speaker 2: lots of questions. I mean, I know I do, like
Speaker 2: I ask looks of questions about their ex'es. I ask
Speaker 2: lots of questions about their relationships because I want to
Speaker 2: I want to understand what has made them the person
Speaker 2: that they are but then when I find out that
Speaker 2: they have had these like strong connections or relationships or
Speaker 2: like you know, these feelings in the past, then there's
Speaker 2: a little part of me that's like, oh, is mine
Speaker 2: as good? Is what we have as good? Is there
Speaker 2: a reason why you're not with her anymore? Like did
Speaker 2: she break up with you and then leave you heartbroken?
Speaker 2: And are you over it? Or there's just this little
Speaker 2: bit of nigglingness that happens. And for me, like I
Speaker 2: I know now that that's that's an insecurity of mine,
Speaker 2: Like you know, and we always say like comparison is
Speaker 2: the thief of joy. There is like me comparing myself
Speaker 2: and thinking maybe I'm not good enough, or maybe they're
Speaker 2: they're dating down now that they're dating me. So when
Speaker 2: Matt and I started dating, I was bad to say,
Speaker 2: did you look up Matt xes?
Speaker 1: So? Well?
Speaker 2: I think like the really important thing is keeping in
Speaker 2: perspective this whole idea of bridging the divide that I
Speaker 2: kind of mentioned earlier. When you don't know someone and
Speaker 2: you like you can fantasize that they're much better and
Speaker 2: much more interesting and much more beautiful or amazing than
Speaker 2: what they necessarily are, and not that they not, that
Speaker 2: they're not like I take that back. Sorry, you fantasize
Speaker 2: that they're almost unhuman because you don't you haven't met them,
Speaker 2: Like right, you haven't seen them in real life. You
Speaker 2: haven't had a human conversation with a normal person. So
Speaker 2: when we were going through the show, and like the
Speaker 2: show was on TV and everything, and like, obviously Matt
Speaker 2: and I were together, but like no one knew.
Speaker 1: We were together.
Speaker 2: There was always articles that were coming out about who
Speaker 2: Matt had dated in the past, and like these are
Speaker 2: mas x'es, and so I know that Matt has had
Speaker 2: two significant relationships and he's been very much in love
Speaker 2: in one relationship and it didn't work out obviously. Yeah,
Speaker 2: Its cause I saw these photos in a Daily Mail
Speaker 2: article where it was like here in Matt's two ex'es
Speaker 2: and they're both beautiful and they're both like I looked
Speaker 2: at them and I was like, holy wow, Okay, they
Speaker 2: are really really hot and why is he dating me?
Speaker 2: And also because you know, people would then comment and
Speaker 2: I guess my relationship being so public, there was a
Speaker 2: lot of external conversation around like oh, well, you know,
Speaker 2: as if he's going to be dating Laura now like
Speaker 2: I would read comments like that, and that really cemented
Speaker 2: my insecurity. So anyway, fast forward to when the show's over,
Speaker 2: we're actually together. So weirdly, I have now met both
Speaker 2: of Matt's exes, Like one of them I met at
Speaker 2: a party because he's really great friends with her brother,
Speaker 2: and the other one I actually went to her wedding
Speaker 2: and was invited to her wedding, And neither of them.
Speaker 2: Now do I feel insecure about for any reason or anything.
Speaker 2: But for a little while there, I really felt jealous
Speaker 2: that maybe what he had before our relationship was better
Speaker 2: than what he had now, and I really like second
Speaker 2: guess myself and felt like I would compare and I
Speaker 2: would kind of like look at Instagram and I would like,
Speaker 2: you know, look at social media and stuff. And also
Speaker 2: because like one of them has a very big public profile,
Speaker 2: I just felt like I wasn't good enough. That's where
Speaker 2: it came from. And I know that this is my
Speaker 2: total insecurity. It was nothing that Matt ever did. Matt
Speaker 2: never ever, I mean they're not in contact. Matt never
Speaker 2: really kind of played into it. He would tell me
Speaker 2: things because I would ask questions, but then it was
Speaker 2: like me shooting myself in the foot because I'd ask
Speaker 2: a question and then it would make me upset the answer,
Speaker 2: so then that would kind of put me down the
Speaker 2: rabbit hole a little bit more. But there was definitely
Speaker 2: a time there where I was like a bit jealous
Speaker 2: of his exes, which is weird. It's a weird thing,
Speaker 2: but I think that so many women go through this
Speaker 2: and it's this comparison and it's a lack of self confidence,
Speaker 2: and I think a lot of jealousy stems from a
Speaker 2: lack of self confidence.
Speaker 1: I mean, look, just not gonna help the fact, but
Speaker 1: I have seen Matt's xs they how beautiful, cannot but
Speaker 1: I've also seen you, and you are beautiful. And this
Speaker 1: is what it comes down to. Right, you are sitting
Speaker 1: next to Matt, you own a relationship with Matt, You're
Speaker 1: with your partner, and you're jealous of someone that he
Speaker 1: used to be with that didn't work out for whatever reason,
Speaker 1: they didn't choose each other. And this is what I
Speaker 1: think people need to realize. If you're experience this, if
Speaker 1: you are experiencing this, and you are experiencing these like
Speaker 1: awful jealous feelings of your partner's ex you have to
Speaker 1: stop and think about who is sitting next to him
Speaker 1: right now, who he has chosen, and why he has
Speaker 1: chosen you. Obviously, it doesn't matter how beautiful they are.
Speaker 1: And I could have told myself this years ago, just
Speaker 1: because their X is a supermodel that's rich and beautiful.
Speaker 2: Sports Illustrated magazine.
Speaker 1: But like, exactly, I've ruined that relationship because I couldn't
Speaker 1: accept that he chose me. I was like, well, he's
Speaker 1: not gonna choose me, Like, no, he did. He chose
Speaker 1: and I ruined the whole thing. So I think you
Speaker 1: guys have to really think, well, I'm the person here
Speaker 1: like Matt chose you, So I hope now, oh my god,
Speaker 1: you don't interfer any Yeah, because they're fucking hot. No
Speaker 1: I don't.
Speaker 2: Yeah, thanks for brand. I don't at all, and not
Speaker 2: even an inkling of it now. But what I'm trying
Speaker 2: to get at is like, it is a common feeling,
Speaker 2: and this comparison that we can draw at the beginning
Speaker 2: of a relationship is something that I think a lot
Speaker 2: of women and men do you know, when you start
Speaker 2: dating someone new, you look up their exes, and then
Speaker 2: it can be easy to think and to kind of
Speaker 2: like immortalize their ex to being something that's greater than
Speaker 2: what it really is, or immortalize that relationship. And I
Speaker 2: genuinely think, and this is like my biggest kind of
Speaker 2: point to take from this whole thing, is like, if
Speaker 2: you have self confidence in yourself, if you believe in
Speaker 2: what you bring to a relationship, if you like show
Speaker 2: up to that relationship and you're like, no, I am
Speaker 2: worthy of this, like I love you, you love me.
Speaker 2: I am a great catch, and we are equals, then
Speaker 2: that feeling of jealousy will subside. I think it's when
Speaker 2: there is a imbalance in your brain and when you're
Speaker 2: thinking that somebody is better than you and you're saying like, oh,
Speaker 2: I'm not good enough of this, and it's this feeling
Speaker 2: of insecurity and this feeling of not being good enough,
Speaker 2: which is where that jealousy comes from. Everybody is entitled
Speaker 2: to have a past. Every single person has a history.
Speaker 2: And you know what, we're thirty four. Of course, we're
Speaker 2: both we have both been in love before, We've both
Speaker 2: had significant relationships. We have both had times in our
Speaker 2: life where we thought, fuck, maybe I'm going to marry
Speaker 2: this person and then we didn't. And now we're together.
Speaker 2: Everybody is entitled to have their past, and if you
Speaker 2: hold that against your partner, if you punish them or
Speaker 2: you make yourself crazy about it, then the only person
Speaker 2: who's going to suffer in this relationship is you, and
Speaker 2: the only thing that's going to suffer is your relationship.
Speaker 1: So let's run through some signs of retroactive jealousy.
Speaker 2: If you're talking their Instagram fifty four times a day,
Speaker 2: I'm pretty sure you've got retroactive jealousy.
Speaker 1: Yeah, got it. No, If you ask your partner a
Speaker 1: lot of questions about their past constantly, not just when
Speaker 1: you get together, but throughout your relationship. One year in
Speaker 1: two years and you're constantly wanting to know about people
Speaker 1: in their past, that's a sign replaying the same jealous
Speaker 1: thoughts as almost like a mental movie going through your head,
Speaker 1: so it's all of a sudden all you think about
Speaker 1: is all consuming. That's also a sign. Find yourself trawling Yep,
Speaker 1: we know. Don't stalk someone. If you're stalking them constantly,
Speaker 1: you're jealous.
Speaker 2: Also, make sure that you don't hit friend request. Don't
Speaker 2: hit the friend.
Speaker 1: Request guys, if you've gotta store them, be careful put
Speaker 1: your fat fingers away. All right, so you figured out
Speaker 1: you're a jealous little fucker. What do you do now?
Speaker 1: There are a few steps. First, literally accept and validate
Speaker 1: your feelings. Jealous is normal. It's a normal feeling. But
Speaker 1: you just need to figure out is it you? Is
Speaker 1: it because you don't feel good enough? Is it them?
Speaker 1: Where are these feelings coming from? Once you literally accept
Speaker 1: that the feeling's there, you've broken down what you have
Speaker 1: the tools to start to go down the path of
Speaker 1: fixing it.
Speaker 2: And I think like the next thing as well, is
Speaker 2: like having really open channels of communication with your partner,
Speaker 2: explaining that you feel the way that you feel, even
Speaker 2: if even if the way that you feel isn't rational,
Speaker 2: Having a conversation with your partner and saying I know
Speaker 2: that you've done nothing wrong, I know that this is
Speaker 2: completely unwarranted, but I feel like this.
Speaker 1: At least, then.
Speaker 2: You're kind of offloading that a little bit, and you're
Speaker 2: allowing your partner to understand why maybe you've been acting
Speaker 2: in a way or lashing out at him, or doing
Speaker 2: things that is not how you would normally behave and
Speaker 2: hopefully if they are respectful and loving towards you, they
Speaker 2: will try and like, ease your insecurities. They will try
Speaker 2: and help you as much as this is on you
Speaker 2: to figure out yourself, like, they will do what they
Speaker 2: can to help you get to a place where you
Speaker 2: feel less jealous.
Speaker 1: Resist the urge to dig and pry into your partner's past.
Speaker 1: So normal just to want to have a look at
Speaker 1: what they look like, that's fine, but don't start going
Speaker 1: into that person's life. What do they do on the weekends.
Speaker 1: Don't start reading their messages, don't start looking at tagged
Speaker 1: photos of them. Nothing good can come of that. Nothing
Speaker 1: good is going to come from living in a past,
Speaker 1: well the past in general, but a past that's not
Speaker 1: even yours. He's like, why would you live in that situation?
Speaker 1: So you need to resist the urge to go and
Speaker 1: do that, really try to be present in your relationship
Speaker 1: in that moment and deal with the here and the now.
Speaker 1: So that's a huge, huge one. Don't go trawling because
Speaker 1: it's a bloody deep dark web and you will end
Speaker 1: up in like nineteen seventy three on their grandma's page,
Speaker 1: and you can't do that.
Speaker 2: But also you will end up finding things that maybe
Speaker 2: you think they're suspicious, and they may have a completely
Speaker 2: innocent answer to them, but because you're already of the
Speaker 2: mindset that they're doing something wrong or that you're feeling jealous,
Speaker 2: it'll spiral those thoughts even more so, Like, just don't
Speaker 2: put yourself into a situation where you are fueling that
Speaker 2: energy and you're fueling the flame that you know and
Speaker 2: you're making up stories that aren't necessarily even true.
Speaker 1: Now, the communication is a big one, and I am
Speaker 1: going to tell you something like a way that's a psychologist,
Speaker 1: a relationship psychologist. She gave an example on how you
Speaker 1: can approach the situation because there's one thing to say,
Speaker 1: be open and communicate, which is important, but there are
Speaker 1: also so many levels of communication. You can't go in
Speaker 1: one hundred miles an hour crazy accusing your partner of
Speaker 1: all these things and asking all these things, putting stress
Speaker 1: and pressure on them, or it will implode. But she
Speaker 1: gives an example of saying, approach it respectfully by using
Speaker 1: statements that have I in them, so focusing on your
Speaker 1: feelings instead of things that they have done. For example,
Speaker 1: you could say, sometimes I feel worried that you'll move
Speaker 1: on from me, because I believe you could date anyone
Speaker 1: you wanted, instead of saying you make me feel like
Speaker 1: this because you don't give me enough attention that if
Speaker 1: you wered it that way by putting it them and
Speaker 1: using the words you, you, you, you, they're going to
Speaker 1: feel attacked and they're going to get on the defensive.
Speaker 1: But so you don't I feel like this because I
Speaker 1: feel like you could do anything you want. I feel
Speaker 1: like you're so amazing that I worry someone else will
Speaker 1: scoop you up.
Speaker 2: Yes, I'm all for being honest, having open channels of communication,
Speaker 2: but I kind of think I don't want my partner
Speaker 2: to talk to me in a way where they're like,
Speaker 2: you're so great and I'm insecure because I don't feel
Speaker 2: good enough. Not as much as like, yes, I want
Speaker 2: to reassure them, but I would get pretty fucking tired
Speaker 2: of that narrative eventually, because I want to partner who
Speaker 2: knows that they're my equal, who feels like they're my equal.
Speaker 2: So I think that that's like almost a dang drus
Speaker 2: place to stay in. If you're constantly saying you're so
Speaker 2: great and I'm not good enough for you, your partner's
Speaker 2: going to end up believing it at some point. So
Speaker 2: I think, be careful with that conversation. It's okay to
Speaker 2: have that conversation once or twice. Explain why you're feeling insecure,
Speaker 2: but you are good enough. That's why you're in the relationship.
Speaker 2: Like you need to believe that, and you instead of
Speaker 2: constantly verbalizing that you don't feel good enough, you need
Speaker 2: to start internalizing that you are fucking good enough.
Speaker 1: And that's really important. The idea of this conversation is
Speaker 1: it is once this is your conversation at the start, well,
Speaker 1: you're like, yeah, you have it at the start, but
Speaker 1: the idea is you approach it with sensitivity and you
Speaker 1: say instead of attacking them by saying you, you just
Speaker 1: say I just I feel like this because of this,
Speaker 1: and they give you their explanation, and then the idea
Speaker 1: is you move on. It's just supposed to be. So
Speaker 1: it's a sensitive way to approach your partner without making
Speaker 1: them feel like you're putting everything on them, because ultimately,
Speaker 1: in retrospective jealousy, you physically cannot go and attack them
Speaker 1: because they have done nothing wrong. They've done this before
Speaker 1: you physically knew them.
Speaker 2: It becomes exhausting constantly trying to make someone feel better
Speaker 2: when the way they feel is not rational, So like,
Speaker 2: be very careful. If you have realized and you have
Speaker 2: reduced it down and you know that you're the one
Speaker 2: that has the issue and it's not necessarily your partner's behavior,
Speaker 2: then you're the one that needs to make changes and
Speaker 2: you're the one that needs to really go about some
Speaker 2: self development and some self discovery. Go and speak to
Speaker 2: a therapist, go and speak to a counselor really hash
Speaker 2: out where this insecurity comes from. Maybe it has to
Speaker 2: do with your attachment styles, which is a whole other
Speaker 2: episode that we did a few weeks back, which is
Speaker 2: so interesting and it talks about like the different ways
Speaker 2: that you connect and attached to your partner. But maybe
Speaker 2: there's other reasons in your childhood, in your upbringing, in
Speaker 2: your past relationships that's created trauma that is what fills
Speaker 2: you with this insecurity and this jealousy.
Speaker 1: The other thing to really remember is that every single
Speaker 1: relationship is going to come with its ups and downs,
Speaker 1: and every relationship is scary and comes with its own risk.
Speaker 1: It might be successful and it might be forever, but
Speaker 1: also it might not and it might end. One thing
Speaker 1: you can guarantee is by constantly bringing up past issues,
Speaker 1: you're pushing it down the going to end path. So
Speaker 1: you've got this fifty to fifty risk. Right, I could
Speaker 1: make this thrive live now, put all my energy into
Speaker 1: making it positive and growing. Or I could sit here
Speaker 1: and dwell on a pass that I was not a
Speaker 1: part of, dwell on a past that was before my time,
Speaker 1: and just bring negative energy into the relationship. And I
Speaker 1: can assure you you're gonna go down the path of
Speaker 1: breaking up, so you may as well thrive on the situation.
Speaker 1: Put all that energy and channel into focusing on your
Speaker 1: hearing now and growing into a really healthy, positive direction.
Speaker 2: And I think that this goes for everything, right, Like
Speaker 2: if you are realizing that you're in a relationship where
Speaker 2: you can't get past something, and maybe it is your issue,
Speaker 2: but you can't get past the fact that maybe your
Speaker 2: partner cheated in past relationships, or you can't get past
Speaker 2: the fact that your partner is super close to someone
Speaker 2: and they're not doing anything to try and appease or
Speaker 2: ease your insecurity around that. If you physically can't get
Speaker 2: past it, then it's on you to potentially leave that
Speaker 2: relationship and find a relationship where you do feel more
Speaker 2: secure in You can't change your partner. You can't tell
Speaker 2: him or her that they cannot speak to someone. You
Speaker 2: can't control their behavior because as soon as you go
Speaker 2: down that path, I mean like I've tried. I definitely,
Speaker 2: in my really toxic past relationship, tried to control his behavior,
Speaker 2: you know, I was. We had rules around like what
Speaker 2: was like acceptable and not acceptable because of him cheating
Speaker 2: and me trying to control that outcome and stop it
Speaker 2: from happening again. And all I can say is like
Speaker 2: you can lay all the rules down, you can try
Speaker 2: as hard as you can to try and make somebody
Speaker 2: behave the way you want them to behave. Unless they
Speaker 2: fucking want to do that, they're never going to. So
Speaker 2: just be really conscious that if there's something happening in
Speaker 2: your relationship that you cannot get past and you know
Speaker 2: it's not going to get better for your own mental health,
Speaker 2: then maybe that's the point where you have to go, Okay,
Speaker 2: this isn't the relationship for me, because I don't want
Speaker 2: to live my life like this.
Speaker 1: And the last sort of thing I want to touch
Speaker 1: on is we've basically spoken this whole time about if
Speaker 1: you're feeling these feelings, if you're in a relationship now
Speaker 1: listening to this, and you know that your partner is
Speaker 1: experiencing this, And this is your partner that's constantly questioning
Speaker 1: you and worried about your past, and he can't sleep
Speaker 1: with you because he's disgusted by the fact that you
Speaker 1: ever had a sexual partner. Which that might sound crazy
Speaker 1: to you, but that happens a lot. Literally, you need
Speaker 1: to first know that A it's not your fault, it's
Speaker 1: nothing you've done. B. All you can do in this
Speaker 1: situation is offer him or her love, compassion, support, reassurance,
Speaker 1: make them feel like it's okay and that you love them,
Speaker 1: and that they have to seek help with speaking to somebody,
Speaker 1: because if this is a real serious problem for them,
Speaker 1: they will never get past Nothing you can ever do
Speaker 1: is going to help them get past it, because you
Speaker 1: can only tell them so many times that yes, I
Speaker 1: had a relationship before, but I don't think about them
Speaker 1: and I love you. There's only so many times before
Speaker 1: it's gonna rea relationship down. They have to seek help.
Speaker 1: There's not really another option. They need to go and
Speaker 1: speak to a professional.
Speaker 2: And like we've just been talking specifically about relationships as
Speaker 2: in antique relationships. But like you guys know, and like
Speaker 2: we know, like jealousy can rear its head in so
Speaker 2: many different ways. Like I mean, I'm sure that most
Speaker 2: girls out there have been I'm sure that there are
Speaker 2: plenty of girls out there who've experienced this where maybe
Speaker 2: you have a best friend and then either you've become
Speaker 2: close to someone else or they've become close to someone
Speaker 2: else and you feel jealous of their new friendship. Like
Speaker 2: that's another form of jealousy that's super common. But I
Speaker 2: think at the end of the day, the one thing
Speaker 2: that we have to keep note of and be really
Speaker 2: really cognizant of is like you cannot control other people
Speaker 2: and the way that they want to live their lives.
Speaker 2: And you can't control the people who they come in
Speaker 2: contact with, the people that they're speaking with. Everybody is
Speaker 2: free to act and behave and live their life in
Speaker 2: whatever way they want to. The only thing you can
Speaker 2: control is your reaction to someone. If that reaction is
Speaker 2: to feel really jealous, and that reaction is a really
Speaker 2: negative one, then that's for you to work on, and
Speaker 2: that's for you to try and sort through that jump,
Speaker 2: because it's going to end up disintegrating.
Speaker 1: That relationship even more.
Speaker 2: All Right, guys, you know that we never finish an
Speaker 2: episode with about our suck and our sweet, and that
Speaker 2: is our highlight and our low light of each and
Speaker 2: every week. Pretty what fucking sucked about your life this week?
Speaker 2: So my second sweet is actually super easy this week.
Speaker 2: And I know every week I get here and I'm like, oh,
Speaker 2: I don't know what it is.
Speaker 1: My suck is that I went to Port mcruary on
Speaker 1: the weekend, which is also gonna be my sweet. But
Speaker 1: I went to Port McQuary and I came back and
Speaker 1: I got back. I drove back late last night, and
Speaker 1: I had a lot of work to do for the
Speaker 1: podcast over and overnight, and I woke up this morning,
Speaker 1: went to come here, and my laptop's on like minimal charge,
Speaker 1: which I never let happen. I'm like, cool, throw it
Speaker 1: on the charger. I left my charge at Port McQuary,
Speaker 1: and which is disaster because this whole podcast is done
Speaker 1: from the computer, and well, like my whole life in
Speaker 1: general is done, and my whole life is on his computer.
Speaker 1: And now I'm two percent from dying and I don't
Speaker 1: know what I'm to do. I mean, I know what
Speaker 1: I can do. I can go buy one, but it's
Speaker 1: not the point.
Speaker 2: Girlfriend, you're in the red. But also like, okay, Britta
Speaker 2: knows about me. I'm someone who lives with all of
Speaker 2: my my phone, my laptop, everything is always in the red.
Speaker 2: So I never go and pick up my charger or
Speaker 2: to put my laptop on charge until I'm like on
Speaker 2: four percent battery, like I really like to push it to.
Speaker 1: The end of the nth goal.
Speaker 2: And there has been so many times where it's been
Speaker 2: like eleven o'clock at night and I've been editing for
Speaker 2: like the episode to come out. The next day, I
Speaker 2: go to plug my laptop in and I'm like, my
Speaker 2: fucking charge is at work, and the then I have
Speaker 2: to drive into Paddington, which is like, look, it's not far,
Speaker 2: but at eleven o'clock at night, the last thing you
Speaker 2: want to do is run around trying to find a charger.
Speaker 1: She should just be in your handbag. She also feels
Speaker 1: the need and no matter what time it is, to
Speaker 1: tell me that that's what she's doing. So I has
Speaker 1: like eleven thirty nine, She's like fucking going back in
Speaker 1: to work together. Anyway, I have actually never met anyone
Speaker 1: in my life. Every time I see Laura every time.
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter if it's eight am, it doesn't matter
Speaker 1: if it's midday or if it's eight pm at night.
Speaker 1: Her phone is perpetually what's it on now? Percent? Perpetually?
Speaker 1: I'm like, do you ever charge your phone? I have
Speaker 1: never seen it a more five percent? I'm like, how
Speaker 1: do you live like this? It's probably the thing that
Speaker 1: makes me the most anxious about you.
Speaker 2: I yeah, I constantly have a phone that's run out
Speaker 2: about you. Nobody understands it. I also have I also
Speaker 2: have two thousand, sorry, not two thousand. I also have
Speaker 2: twenty seven nine hundred unready fail.
Speaker 1: Oh, I get that. I have about ten thousand. But
Speaker 1: like that's fine. I just put those to the side.
Speaker 1: But you're constant. I'm about to run out of bat
Speaker 1: trae thing? Does my heading? All? Right?
Speaker 2: What was your sweet? Well, we know you're sweet? Was
Speaker 2: Port Macquors sweet?
Speaker 1: It went to Port. The weather was absolutely incredible, The
Speaker 1: beaches were incredible. No one was there. My whole family
Speaker 1: was there. We partied, we drunk. No one was there.
Speaker 1: My whole family was there. Like the beaches, you can
Speaker 1: go to the beach there and you cannot see someone
Speaker 1: for a kilometer because there's so many long stretches of
Speaker 1: beaches there. It's beautiful. I loved it. I'm regenerated and
Speaker 1: I'm back. How was your nana's hangover? She was great.
Speaker 1: I saw her in the morning for Brecky. She's like,
Speaker 1: I had the best time last night.
Speaker 2: And I was like, oh Na, not so loud. Maybe
Speaker 2: it's like the same thing when you get old. It's
Speaker 2: like when you're like eighteen, hangovers don't affect you, and
Speaker 2: then when you're like eighty eight, hangovers don't affect you.
Speaker 1: Your old has already packed up and got She was
Speaker 1: down in the whites too, and White's the biggest hangover drink.
Speaker 1: All right, watch your suck.
Speaker 2: My suck is very trivial. My suck is the fact
Speaker 2: that I cannot and I have completely relinquished this. Now
Speaker 2: I've given up. I cannot keep a clean house. I
Speaker 2: spent all day last Thursday cleaning my house from top
Speaker 2: to bottom. It was incredible. It could have been from
Speaker 2: a really shitty, ugly Vogue magazine shoot that someone would
Speaker 2: be very disappointed to shoot.
Speaker 1: But still it was clean. The house was fucking clean.
Speaker 2: And now, honestly, I just don't know what happens, like
Speaker 2: I do not I know, I know what happens.
Speaker 1: I have a one year old, but it's just two
Speaker 1: one year olds. Let's be real.
Speaker 2: I have one year old and then I have a
Speaker 2: one year old that's in the form of a thirty
Speaker 2: three year old.
Speaker 1: Man.
Speaker 2: I just can't keep a clean house and it gets
Speaker 2: me really down sometimes, and today it got me down.
Speaker 1: Ah, I don't know what to tell you. That sucks.
Speaker 2: Well, I just see all these people on Instagram who
Speaker 2: have children and their house is immaculate and everything is
Speaker 2: styled nicely, and their kids are dressed nicely and everything
Speaker 2: looks perfect, and I know it's not real.
Speaker 1: It's not real. You know that behind that camera, you
Speaker 1: know that what you're seeing is immaculate, behind that camera
Speaker 1: is like three menu pile of rubbish. They've just pushed
Speaker 1: it out of the frame.
Speaker 2: I know, and I know I know this, like I
Speaker 2: live this life, like I know the Instagram is not real.
Speaker 2: But still it doesn't mean that I don't see it
Speaker 2: sometimes and go like, oh fuck, I wish I had
Speaker 2: my shit together a little bit more. But speaking of
Speaker 2: having my shit together, my suite for this week is
Speaker 2: that I really feel like We've been kicking some massive
Speaker 2: goals for Tony May, and I was having this wild
Speaker 2: anxiety around how I was going to be a full
Speaker 2: time work like, how was I going to run a
Speaker 2: company and also be a mum to two kids? And
Speaker 2: I was like, this is going to be a very
Speaker 2: interesting part of life. But I'm starting to feel really
Speaker 2: good about it. I'm like, I think, oh, I'm glad.
Speaker 1: I'm glad.
Speaker 2: I'm glad you feel about this is my anxiety. I
Speaker 2: think I think we're going to be fine. I'm like
Speaker 2: really really proud of how things are going with work,
Speaker 2: and like we've been kicking some big goals and it
Speaker 2: makes me feel a lot more settled about the fact
Speaker 2: that my life is going to be thrown into utter
Speaker 2: chaos in a few months time.
Speaker 1: I'm happy for you. Thank you continue to take that
Speaker 1: feeling into the future. Thank you.
Speaker 2: All Right, guys, Well, that is it for us and
Speaker 2: for another episode. Thank you so much for listening to
Speaker 2: another ep of Life on Cut. If you have a
Speaker 2: question for Asking Cart, or you have a hilarious accidentally
Speaker 2: unfiltered story, please send them on into either our Facebook
Speaker 2: group or to our Instagram page, which is Life Uncut podcast. Also,
Speaker 2: if you haven't followed the Facebook group and you are
Speaker 2: watching Bachelorette, then jump on there because we always have
Speaker 2: a thread running each week and each episode, so you
Speaker 2: can get down and dirty in the comments
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