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Speaker 1: This is the Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Colson.

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Speaker 1: We are Luke and Susie and this is the podcast

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Speaker 1: for time poor parents who just want answers Now today

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Speaker 1: tween ages.

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Speaker 2: Just before we talk about the tween ages, I'm a

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Speaker 2: little bit concerned. I shared this with Susie earlier, but

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Speaker 2: I wasn't able to share it with Luke. Did you

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Speaker 2: hear about the shoe factory that burnt down just over

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Speaker 2: the weekend? No, it was really sad. About ten thousand

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Speaker 2: souls were lost.

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Speaker 1: Can we restart this segment?

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Speaker 2: You know, I tell Dad jokes sometimes he laughs.

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Speaker 3: That's what I'm not. You're not a comedian. All right,

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Speaker 3: let's take a look at this question.

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Speaker 4: I'm going to move you on. We need to be serious.

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Speaker 3: Okay, we are suffering tween friend dramas, says one mum.

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Speaker 3: She says, my daughter comes home upset because she feels

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Speaker 3: left out by her friends. I want to wait in

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Speaker 3: there for her, getting her advited to play dates, et cetera,

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Speaker 3: talking to other girls mums?

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Speaker 1: Should I right? Well?

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Speaker 2: One of my favorite authors in this sort of tween

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Speaker 2: teen girl area is Rebecca Sparrow. And if you've got

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Speaker 2: a teenage girl, and you're not following beck on social media.

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Speaker 2: You've just got to get onto that. She's just wonderful.

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Speaker 2: Her advice is so good. It's funny as well, because

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Speaker 2: with that question, when I it seems like lately we're

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Speaker 2: talking a lot about my new book that's coming out

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Speaker 2: in January, I'm not actually doing it intentionally, I promise you.

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Speaker 4: Brought up a question. No I'm not.

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Speaker 2: But I've got a new book coming out about teenage girls. Oh,

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Speaker 2: we've got a title and we've got to cover. The

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Speaker 2: book is called Misconnection. Why your teenage daughter hates you,

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Speaker 2: expects the world and needs to talk?

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Speaker 4: I know?

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Speaker 3: But what makes me wish I had girls instead of boys?

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Speaker 2: I'll write a boys book one one time. I'm sure

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Speaker 2: one of the things that came out in the survey.

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Speaker 2: I surveyed about four hundred of them and interviewed them

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Speaker 2: and talked to their mums. And the number one thing

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Speaker 2: that brings them joy?

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Speaker 3: What was it?

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Speaker 4: Guess what do you think the number one thing that

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Speaker 4: brings teenage girls joy is?

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Speaker 1: I have zero? And that's right, no reference point. I

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Speaker 1: never saw my sisters happy.

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Speaker 3: Look, I want to go against my instant. I'm going

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Speaker 3: to say something to do with social media, winning in

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Speaker 3: social media, or on something on the phone.

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Speaker 4: Okay, well it's kind of related to that.

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Speaker 2: The answer was friends, the thing that brings them more

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Speaker 2: joyous friends. When I ask them what made life hardest

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Speaker 2: for them?

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Speaker 3: Friends?

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Speaker 4: Friends, Yeah, yeah.

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Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, So friends are oxygen to our tween and

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Speaker 2: teen girls. I mean, friends are important for us as

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Speaker 2: humans we're in ultrasocial species. But for our teen and

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Speaker 2: tween girls, my goodness, they matter. And when things are

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Speaker 2: not going well for them. As parents, because we love

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Speaker 2: our kids so much, we want to dive in. We

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Speaker 2: want to say to them, well, let me fix this

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Speaker 2: for you, let me help you. I don't know that

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Speaker 2: that's always the wrong thing to do, but I'm not

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Speaker 2: sure that it's always the best thing to do.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: Oh, well that's not answering the question yet. Okay, we're

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Speaker 3: going to need more on this as we look at

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Speaker 3: do we or do we not rescue our children when

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Speaker 3: things are not going right with their friends. I personally

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Speaker 3: am so far unsatisfied with the specialist sensors. So let's

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Speaker 3: get more out of Earringstone.

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Speaker 4: I gave you a chance to wrap it early.

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Speaker 3: Come on, well, it's like offense to me doctor justin

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Speaker 3: all right.

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Speaker 2: Okay, So when we wade in we often complicate things,

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Speaker 2: but we can assist from the side. We can do

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Speaker 2: practical and instrumental things, and you can find those kinds

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Speaker 2: of ideas on the internet everywhere.

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Speaker 4: I just don't think that.

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Speaker 2: Most of the time, in most cases, that's helpful. The

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Speaker 2: kids start to feel pressured, they start to worry that

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Speaker 2: they're not good enough, they feel like their parents are

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Speaker 2: judging them. When we say to the kids, well, you

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Speaker 2: just need to go and talk to somebody. Why don't

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Speaker 2: you get somebody's phone number and we'll organize a playdate. Luke,

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Speaker 2: we'll organize a playdate on the weekend. We'll get you together.

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Speaker 2: And the kids go to school feeling press should they

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Speaker 2: feel anxious, anxiety levels go up. It makes things really challenging.

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Speaker 2: I'm not saying we shouldn't do that. I'm saying I'm

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Speaker 2: not convinced that in most cases it's the best thing.

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Speaker 3: So if our child is feeling left out, what is

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Speaker 3: the core need that we as parents can address with them?

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Speaker 2: What I think that we want to do is respond

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Speaker 2: to them with empathy, respond to them with validation, respond

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Speaker 2: to them with understanding and then let them work out

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Speaker 2: the best way forward themselves. So when a child's having

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Speaker 2: a really hard time, what we do as we sit

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Speaker 2: down with them and we hug them and we.

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Speaker 4: Say, it's really hard when you feel like you're alone.

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Speaker 2: Feeling isolated is one of the hardest things that you

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Speaker 2: can go through. We let them know that we get it.

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Speaker 2: There's a phrase that I often use. If you can

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Speaker 2: name it, you can tame it. In other words, when

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Speaker 2: we let our children know that we understand the emotional

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Speaker 2: experience that they're living through, it helps their emotions to settle.

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Speaker 2: As their emotions settled, we then get to have sensible

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Speaker 2: conversations with them, like how can I help? What do

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Speaker 2: you think would be the best thing to do here?

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Speaker 2: Would you like me to be involved, would you like

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Speaker 2: to brainstorm ideas together?

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Speaker 4: Or have you got this and you're just having a

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Speaker 4: bad day.

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Speaker 2: We get to play with ideas with them once they've

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Speaker 2: calmed down. But more than anything, they just want to

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Speaker 2: know my mom or my.

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Speaker 4: Dad gets it.

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Speaker 2: They love me, They understand this is a safe place

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Speaker 2: for me to be at home.

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Speaker 1: When I'm at work and I'm talking to people professionally

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Speaker 1: who are seeking my advice on how to advance their

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Speaker 1: careers and get further in media or whatever it might be,

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Speaker 1: I sit down in The advice I give as a

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Speaker 1: blanket for everybody is when you're in your workplace, sit

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Speaker 1: down and approach everybody with a how can I help,

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Speaker 1: especially to your bo how can I help? How can

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Speaker 1: I does that philosophy work to your child in this situation?

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Speaker 1: So rather than stepping in in the midst of empathizing

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Speaker 1: with them to go, well, how can I help? And

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Speaker 1: if they say you can't, but let's just sit here

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Speaker 1: and huddle or whatever, or if they say, well, actually,

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Speaker 1: can you can you help me to meet some people

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Speaker 1: like if they are ask it's a different scenario, right,

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Speaker 1: Is that an approach that works in a scenario like this.

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Speaker 4: It's one of the things that I recommend all the time.

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Speaker 2: One of the best ways to tell whether somebody is

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Speaker 2: really reading the situation right as a paralleld is whether

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Speaker 2: they step in or step out. However, you can almost

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Speaker 2: never go wrong by stepping in with a how can

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Speaker 2: I help? Because you're not stepping in to dominate, you're

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Speaker 2: not stepping into takeover, you're not stepping into punish or discipline.

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Speaker 2: You're stepping in to say I can see that this

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Speaker 2: is hard for you right now, and I'm here for you.

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Speaker 2: How can I help. It's such a non intrusive way

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Speaker 2: to intrude. It's such a wonderful way to step in

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Speaker 2: without actually taking over. That may be one of the

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Speaker 2: most powerful questions that we can ask our children when

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Speaker 2: they're in crisis. I can see that you're having a

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Speaker 2: hard time. Would you like a hug? What can I

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Speaker 2: do to help?

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Speaker 3: This is one of those times where we finish get

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Speaker 3: towards the end of chatting about something where I feel

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Speaker 3: like as a parent, I can take that I can

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Speaker 3: do like I want to stick it on my wall

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Speaker 3: as the reminder how can I help? Because that seems

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Speaker 3: to that would address so many things in my children's.

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Speaker 4: It goes across context.

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Speaker 2: So we're talking here about a tween girl who's struggling,

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Speaker 2: and what might often happen is if she's emotional and

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Speaker 2: she's struggled, shoulders and saying I don't know, I don't think.

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Speaker 2: So he said, well, I'm here to help. I've got

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Speaker 2: some ideas. Would you like them or would you just

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Speaker 2: like a hug? And you don't have to fix the problem.

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Speaker 2: But eventually she might come to you and say I

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Speaker 2: really need help, at which point you're then invited to

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Speaker 2: step in. But that could be sibling dramas you know,

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Speaker 2: the kids are fighting. Guys, you seem to be having

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Speaker 2: a hard time. How can I help?

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Speaker 4: It could be a.

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Speaker 2: Child doesn't want to wait dinner, where you seem to

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Speaker 2: not really be enjoying this dinner tonight.

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Speaker 4: How can I help?

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Speaker 2: By asking the question how can I help, we open

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Speaker 2: up opportunities for meaningful conversations where we're invited into their

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Speaker 2: world and we can actually do the guiding and the

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Speaker 2: teaching and the instructing that's needed with them asking us

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Speaker 2: to please do it, rather than us jumping in and

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Speaker 2: saying I'm the parent and listen to me.

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Speaker 3: So good, Doctor Justin Coilson. At the end of the

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Speaker 3: first part of this chat, I thought you were to

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Speaker 3: give us nothing, but.

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Speaker 1: That I never doubted you for a second.

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Speaker 3: Thank you so.

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Speaker 4: Much at your service. Yes, no problem at all.

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Speaker 3: For more details on Justin's books, programs, and podcasts, you

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Speaker 3: can jump online to Happy Families dot com. Do Are

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Speaker 3: you and to find out how to have Justin come

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Speaker 3: and speak at your school organization or event. You can

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Speaker 3: find more details at Justin Coulson dot com