Speaker 1: Life on Cut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose
Speaker 1: lands were never seated.
Speaker 2: We pay our respects to their elders past and present.
Speaker 3: Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land. This episode was
Speaker 3: recorded on gadigal Land. Hi, guys, and welcome back to
Speaker 3: another episode.
Speaker 2: Of Life Uncut. I'm Laura, I'm Kisha, and you are
Speaker 2: particularly chirpy right now for someone who's not very medical.
Speaker 2: We've been away very caffeinated medicaid. I'm not medicated at all,
Speaker 2: but I am.
Speaker 3: I am caffeinated, and I am going to go into
Speaker 3: my second coffee and I'm okay with that. It's because
Speaker 3: we've been up since like five fucking thirty in the morning.
Speaker 3: We've had one interview before this, and now we've back
Speaker 3: to back in today.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I don't want to bread crumb everyone, but
Speaker 1: that might be one of my favorite interviews ever.
Speaker 2: That is a bread crumb was Johan Hari. He's great,
Speaker 2: We love him.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's all about diet drugs, so drugs like his zmpig.
Speaker 1: It's coming out very soon.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: We've been wanting to do an episode on ozebic for
Speaker 3: a very long time. It's been the top of my list,
Speaker 3: but finding someone to talk about it who's not promoting it,
Speaker 3: and also doing it in a way that is sensitive
Speaker 3: to everything that we've spoken about in the past in
Speaker 3: terms of fat shaming and the body positivity movement. It's
Speaker 3: like almost like, how do you have those two conversations
Speaker 3: at the same time, which is why we found your
Speaker 3: hunt because he is amazing and he can do everything,
Speaker 3: and that is coming up very soon. But today is
Speaker 3: ask gun cut where we answer, oh, you're deep, you're dark,
Speaker 3: and you're burning questions and Keisha, I have a question
Speaker 3: for you.
Speaker 2: Now.
Speaker 3: I know you're not a mum, but I would like
Speaker 3: to know how you would respond in this situation. So
Speaker 3: yesterday I was getting Malee ready to get in the
Speaker 3: bath and she goes, hey, I know what the F
Speaker 3: word is.
Speaker 2: Now, for anyone who doesn't know, Maley is four.
Speaker 3: She's four years old and she goes to preschool. She goes,
Speaker 3: I know what the F word is? And I was like, oh,
Speaker 3: do you and she's like yeah, and the H word
Speaker 3: and I was like, what's the hate. I'm still I'm
Speaker 3: not sure about that. Anyway, I was like, what's the
Speaker 3: F word? And she goes, fucking and I was like,
Speaker 3: I'm sorry, what and she goes, it's fucking and I
Speaker 3: was like, I mean you could have just said fuck,
Speaker 3: but sure it is.
Speaker 2: It is also fucking. And I was like, how did
Speaker 2: you know this? And she goes and it's also fuck
Speaker 2: and I was like.
Speaker 3: Okay, please stop saying. Her sister was in the bath
Speaker 3: next to her, like the two year old, and I
Speaker 3: don't give a fuck. Yeah, she had it all. She
Speaker 3: was like, here's the plural, here's all of the ways
Speaker 3: in which you can say the word fuck.
Speaker 2: I'm kind of impressed by that. No I'm not.
Speaker 3: I am absolutely not. And I was like Marley, and
Speaker 3: she goes, yeah, so you're not allowed to say it,
Speaker 3: but this is it. She kept saying it and saying
Speaker 3: it and saying it, and I was like, Maley, you
Speaker 3: need to stop saying that word now. It is very
Speaker 3: very naughty. Come with me, we're going to go out
Speaker 3: of the room. And she just kept saying it in front.
Speaker 2: Of Lawla and Lala was like, what's that word anyway?
Speaker 3: So I take her out of the bathroom and I
Speaker 3: sit her down and I was like, you're not in trouble,
Speaker 3: but it is a very very naughty word. I'm glad
Speaker 3: that you told me that you know how to say it.
Speaker 3: I was like, but could you talk to me about why,
Speaker 3: you know, because we don't. We don't swear around her
Speaker 3: as much as I swear so much. You guys probably
Speaker 3: like what, we really try not to swear around her
Speaker 3: at all?
Speaker 2: Because it was such upstanding parents.
Speaker 3: Who taught you this word, so that I can crucify it,
Speaker 3: I was like, is it anakeisha? Probably she is a
Speaker 3: smutty talker, so anyway, I asked her and she was like, oh,
Speaker 3: this boy at school and she said his name who?
Speaker 3: She has said anytime the teachers aren't watching or listening,
Speaker 3: he will say swear words, but also says it to
Speaker 3: other kids and more. Is just like trying to exercise
Speaker 3: his right to use a word that he's obviously being told.
Speaker 2: He can't use.
Speaker 1: Sorry, I want to tell that little kid that he
Speaker 1: can go get fucked. He's not telling Maley the fuck off.
Speaker 1: He's not telling her that he doesn't fucking like her.
Speaker 2: Who is he? I'm coming to daycare.
Speaker 3: I'll give you the name when we're not on record.
Speaker 3: This sounds stupid now that I'm saying it out loud.
Speaker 3: I'm like, Okay, it's so obvious. But I was like,
Speaker 3: do I call the daycare and dob on this four
Speaker 3: year old?
Speaker 2: Do I do it? Is that what we do?
Speaker 3: Like?
Speaker 2: Do I tell the daycare that this four year old
Speaker 2: is doing this? Is it like?
Speaker 3: Or am I being an over Am I being a
Speaker 3: helicopter parent? Or is that a situation where you're like, look,
Speaker 3: the teacher should know.
Speaker 1: I grew up in a really quite a conservative environment,
Speaker 1: and I think there's a lot to making something a
Speaker 1: forbidden fruit human nature. Is it just makes you want
Speaker 1: it more, Like you're making a big deal out of it,
Speaker 1: and so they're just gonna do it more.
Speaker 2: That's my thing.
Speaker 3: I was like, is it making it a bigger problem
Speaker 3: by singling him out and being like he is so naughty?
Speaker 3: I mean his four he's just got bigger brothers. He
Speaker 3: doesn't know how naughty it is.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I mean I can't speak from any lived experience whatsoever,
Speaker 1: because I'm not responsible for young children, But through my
Speaker 1: own experience, I think if I was in this situation,
Speaker 1: I would eer on the side of like trying not
Speaker 1: to even speak about it and make it something that's
Speaker 1: super forbidden because like it's gonna happen at some point anyway.
Speaker 2: I mean, they're just gonna go to school.
Speaker 1: Soon, like it's going to be spoken about. People are
Speaker 1: gonna say it. And I think that in my experience
Speaker 1: because there was such an emphasis on swearing and you know,
Speaker 1: using the law's name in Vain and all these different things,
Speaker 1: all these different rules in my household.
Speaker 3: Swearing and also using the lord's and again we're all together,
Speaker 3: all in compass. I've got Marley like fuck it, and
Speaker 3: you're like, blasphemy, stop stop it.
Speaker 2: I wasn't allowed to say, Oh my gosh, okay, but
Speaker 2: did it?
Speaker 1: This is what I mean it was, So I've made
Speaker 1: It's something that I am now kind of thinking maybe
Speaker 1: if it wasn't something that was so forbidden, I wouldn't
Speaker 1: have been so inclined to like think about it in
Speaker 1: a cheeky way. So I don't know, Okay, it's hard
Speaker 1: to say, because I guess every kid's different.
Speaker 3: I'm really on the fence with this. Hopefully by the
Speaker 3: time you guys listen to this, slide into my DMS,
Speaker 3: tell me what you think. I kind of want to
Speaker 3: call the daycare and be like, hey, just keep an
Speaker 3: ear to the ground. I kind of want to say
Speaker 3: something only because I'm like, well, if she has come
Speaker 3: to me and she's told me this information as a parent,
Speaker 3: am I supposed to do something with it? So she
Speaker 3: feels like she's listened to And I don't know, There's
Speaker 3: so many ways you can mess your kids up. I'm
Speaker 3: just like, I'm trying to do with the least amount
Speaker 3: of damage as possible.
Speaker 2: Therapy is going to be very expensive. One day, I
Speaker 2: think it could be a bit of a carot by calling.
Speaker 1: There could be a secret option ce and it could
Speaker 1: be that when you pick her up from dayk you
Speaker 1: could maybe mention it to one of your favorite teachers
Speaker 1: and just be like, look, I just want to let
Speaker 1: you know that this happened.
Speaker 2: I don't necessarily want you to do anything about it.
Speaker 1: I'm just making you aware and you guys can make
Speaker 1: your own decision on where you stand on it. But
Speaker 1: this kind of feels to me right now like Britt
Speaker 1: rousing on us because.
Speaker 2: One time, one time, it was our first ever.
Speaker 3: If you guys have watched the YouTube, the very first
Speaker 3: time Kisha and I ever did an episode together was
Speaker 3: Britt was away because she I think she was doing
Speaker 3: fertility stuff at the time, and she made Scotland. Okay,
Speaker 3: she was in Scotland. We had issues with the Cross
Speaker 3: Continent record. For everyone who's always like, why doesn't Bridges
Speaker 3: move to Scotland and you guys can record from there.
Speaker 2: We've tried. It really doesn't work, that's the problem.
Speaker 3: Anyway, we couldn't do this record one day the internet
Speaker 3: wasn't working. Keisha had to step in. There was a
Speaker 3: lot of swearing at the start of the episode. It
Speaker 3: was very funny though it.
Speaker 1: Was a bit unhinged, but also it was one of
Speaker 1: those things where we kind of thought it was going
Speaker 1: to be where we stopped down and like reset and
Speaker 1: start the We were like, fine, this is actually really funny,
Speaker 1: and so we just left it and I thought it
Speaker 1: was fine.
Speaker 2: I was like, yes, there's a lot of swearing. One
Speaker 2: particular weather that came out of my mouth. Probably it
Speaker 2: wasn't the effort.
Speaker 1: And I thought it was. I thought the juice was
Speaker 1: worth the squeeze. And Britt reviewed that YouTube and she
Speaker 1: was like, guys, this was crash as anything.
Speaker 3: We're like sorry, maule I was like, fuck off.
Speaker 2: Fine. She did call us to tell us it was
Speaker 2: kind of like calling the daycare anyway. Now, you know,
Speaker 2: we got roused on by my boss.
Speaker 1: But you're equal, and so now you have to make
Speaker 1: the decision as to whether you're going to be the
Speaker 1: brit in this situation or whether you're going to be
Speaker 1: the US.
Speaker 3: Maybe I'll make Matt be the brit that seems like
Speaker 3: a better solution. Better solution, I will make Matt call
Speaker 3: daycare and that I can pretend like I'm above this anyway.
Speaker 3: I'd love to know what you guys, if there's any
Speaker 3: parents out there who have had to deal with this
Speaker 3: type of thing. We are all just kind of making
Speaker 3: our way through. I don't know what I'm doing as
Speaker 3: a parent. I'm trying really hard, and I'm maybe doing
Speaker 3: okay ninety percent of the time and the other ten percent.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think you're doing way better than ninety percent
Speaker 1: of the time. You have beautiful little girls who are
Speaker 1: really polite and they've got gorgeous mind.
Speaker 2: I actually love your.
Speaker 1: Children, and I'm not like that with everyone's I'm like
Speaker 1: that with my own nephews and your kids, and.
Speaker 2: That's pretty much it. That's a real compliment.
Speaker 1: We did have a bit of a go at me
Speaker 1: last night, A go is a bit harsh, But you
Speaker 1: mentioned to me while I was on the phone that I.
Speaker 2: Was on loudspeaker and I was swearing to him.
Speaker 3: Yeah, so I'm pretty sure it's this kid at daycare
Speaker 3: and also Ani Keisha, that are the real culpras for
Speaker 3: my children's potty mouth. Anyway, we have some actually, we
Speaker 3: have such a good breadth of questions today. One of
Speaker 3: them actually featured on the Facebook page and it got
Speaker 3: you guys so riled up, and so we really wanted
Speaker 3: to do a deep dive on that on the episode
Speaker 3: that's coming up. But first it's time for vibes and unsubscribes. Keisha,
Speaker 3: what is your vibe or unsubscribe for the week.
Speaker 1: I mean, I already posted about my unsubscrib We spoke
Speaker 1: about it on Tuesday.
Speaker 2: I'm not gonna mention it.
Speaker 3: You can't speak about the unsubscribed because it's also my vibe,
Speaker 3: So stop shitting on her.
Speaker 2: Okay, Okay, we'll get into that.
Speaker 1: I have an actual vibe this week, and I'm back
Speaker 1: into the luxuries of sleep.
Speaker 2: No, I want to make this really clear before I
Speaker 2: talk about it.
Speaker 1: I love Lynn and have been a sponsor of the
Speaker 1: podcast before, but they weren't at all involved in this,
Speaker 1: like what as a normal customer. So I initially saw
Speaker 1: this recommended on Kelly Finlayson, who I've had on the
Speaker 1: podcast before, on her Instagram account. So it's a mattress topper.
Speaker 1: This one is called Hotel Cloud Collection. It is the softest,
Speaker 1: most comfortable. It feels like a hug from within mattress topper.
Speaker 2: It is delightful.
Speaker 1: I thought it was made of feathers, and to be honest,
Speaker 1: I didn't look what it was made of before I
Speaker 1: purchased it. I just went that looks really comfort. It
Speaker 1: was recommended on her Instagram. Apparently heaps people wrote in
Speaker 1: to her about it.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna get one. It looks great.
Speaker 1: I purchased while it was on sale, so I got
Speaker 1: it for two fifty nine, which is currently what the
Speaker 1: price is if you go onto the website. And I
Speaker 1: just assumed, oh my gosh, these feathers are so cozy.
Speaker 1: Turns out no, it's actually vegan. It's some microfiber filling
Speaker 1: that feels like feathers and silk.
Speaker 2: And I actually can guarantee you no ducks were killed
Speaker 2: for this, No chickens were plucked.
Speaker 1: It is so comfortable. It has been the greatest joy
Speaker 1: of my last week. And I vibe the heck out
Speaker 1: of it.
Speaker 2: What is the what's the brand? Evan? I love linen.
Speaker 2: I love linen. And it's a mattress topper. Yeah, so
Speaker 2: you know the things that you put like a if
Speaker 2: you have a not a mattress topper.
Speaker 3: Is you're gonna go into the detail of explaining it.
Speaker 3: That thing that you top on a mattress, it goes under.
Speaker 1: Your fit sheet, has a strap goes on, So it's
Speaker 1: kind of a It's a couple inches thick, and it
Speaker 1: seems to be in these little squares of what I
Speaker 1: assumed to a feathers turns out not feathers, but that's
Speaker 1: what it feels like. And so as you lay into it,
Speaker 1: it just feels as though it's giving you this like
Speaker 1: little cloud cuddle.
Speaker 3: And it's so I am enjoying that we're back in
Speaker 3: the sleep hygiene era.
Speaker 2: I've had really bad sleep lately.
Speaker 3: It's a very sleep Hygiene's like a real twenty twenty thing,
Speaker 3: isn't it if the elixir of life? Laura, It's like
Speaker 3: I spars and sleep hygiene and I don't know what
Speaker 3: are the rest of it used to be infrared saunas
Speaker 3: like these are it.
Speaker 2: Firstly, it's free micro dosing, like it's all the same.
Speaker 1: Oh God, we're not gonna get to get into micro
Speaker 1: dosing anyway.
Speaker 2: It is my vibe for the week. I love it.
Speaker 2: If you're in the market for a mattress topper, highly recommend. Okay,
Speaker 2: I have two recommendations this week.
Speaker 3: One of them is something that I've actually had for
Speaker 3: a while, but I discovered a feature about it which
Speaker 3: has made me love it so much more. So. I
Speaker 3: have two Koala couches, you know, Cooala mattresses, so coal mattresses.
Speaker 3: I've never had one, but every influencer under the sun
Speaker 3: talks about Coala mattresses. I'm sure they're great, and I'm
Speaker 3: sure they're also getting paid to say so. I am
Speaker 3: not getting paid to say that their couches are great,
Speaker 3: just putting that out there. So I have their fold
Speaker 3: out couch, which is like like.
Speaker 2: A sofa bed fold out that goes in our spare room.
Speaker 3: But then I also have like their couch couch, but
Speaker 3: like a three and a half seater big couch in
Speaker 3: our lound room. The fold out one is super practical.
Speaker 3: It's really really convenient. It's a bit too hard, needs
Speaker 3: a good topper, so that's great. You could get it
Speaker 3: too far. That's my review on that. But the actual
Speaker 3: big couch that we have in our lound room is
Speaker 3: fucking fantastic. And the reason why I'm recommending it is
Speaker 3: because only this weekend I discovered because it doesn't you know, normally,
Speaker 3: when you can remove the covers of a couch, it
Speaker 3: looks like a couch that you can remove the covers of.
Speaker 3: The covers never quite fit well on it. It looks
Speaker 3: as though it's a bit ill fitting. All the covers
Speaker 3: are always a little bit too big for the couch itself.
Speaker 3: So I never ever realized that you could remove the
Speaker 3: couch covers of this Koala couch and chuck them straight
Speaker 3: in the washing machine until I dropped an entire glass
Speaker 3: of red wine on it on Sunday night, and then
Speaker 3: I was like, well, that's the that's the couch gone. Anyway,
Speaker 3: Matt was like, I wonder if you can take these
Speaker 3: off lo and behold the couch covers come off. They
Speaker 3: went in the machine and the couch looks brand new.
Speaker 2: So if you've been considering a.
Speaker 3: Koala Couch high highly highly highly recommend and then my
Speaker 3: last and very quick recommendation, which I know we spoke
Speaker 3: about it at the very end of yesterday's episode, sorry,
Speaker 3: Tuesday's episode, but that is Baby Reindeer. I have watched
Speaker 3: the whole thing now and I think it is brilliant.
Speaker 3: I think it is brilliantly shot. It's on Netflix if
Speaker 3: you haven't seen it. It's been widely talked about, widely recommended.
Speaker 3: It is a really incredible, well documented story and the
Speaker 3: main actor in it is also the writer of it.
Speaker 3: It is a true story or true from his experience,
Speaker 3: and it's all around stalking, and it features around a
Speaker 3: female stalker, which I don't think you see as often.
Speaker 3: But it is very, very, very brilliantly done.
Speaker 2: I have my own opinions on it, but I.
Speaker 1: Have actually seen a lot of publication in the last
Speaker 1: twenty four hours about how he is quite actively asking
Speaker 1: people to stop looking into who the real Matha is.
Speaker 1: To me, this just seems like such a full circle conversation.
Speaker 1: Because she stalked him, He's now created this huge sensational
Speaker 1: TV show about it, and now people are stalking her
Speaker 1: and he's kind of toying with the idea that he's
Speaker 1: made this so insanely public that she's going to suffer
Speaker 1: at the bottom of the pylon, and I think he's
Speaker 1: having some complex feelings about it.
Speaker 3: It's a very I mean, if you guys haven't seen
Speaker 3: Baby reind yet, I don't want to spoil anything for you,
Speaker 3: but yeah, it does feature around Martha. She is the
Speaker 3: person who's stalking You've discovered that in the first episode.
Speaker 2: I think it even comes up in the bio. Yeah.
Speaker 3: I guess for me, I have some complex feelings around
Speaker 3: and this is probably an unfair thing to say, but
Speaker 3: it's almost around the like what did you expect? Because
Speaker 3: I think if you go so hard with the this
Speaker 3: is a true story, but you only tell the parts
Speaker 3: of it that.
Speaker 2: You know, you give people so much.
Speaker 3: Of course, people are gonna want answers, and that's just
Speaker 3: the result of being invested in the series. I'm not
Speaker 3: saying that that is okay. I think it is deeply
Speaker 3: fundamentally wrong. I mean, this woman's she's already paid the
Speaker 3: price for what she has done. There is another person
Speaker 3: who is in the movie, who I think or in
Speaker 3: the show, who I think should be getting more airtime.
Speaker 3: It is somebody who has not yet paid the price
Speaker 3: for the crimes in which they committed, and it's around
Speaker 3: sexual assault, it's around grooming, and I think that that
Speaker 3: person should really be where the audience is focusing their
Speaker 3: attention and focusing their interest. But I mean, I'm talking
Speaker 3: about the show purely from like an entertainment perspective, purely
Speaker 3: from viewing it and thinking it was really quite a
Speaker 3: fascinating and I wouldn't say it's enjoyable, but it makes
Speaker 3: you feel something to watch it. But I do question
Speaker 3: when something is a true story, it's a true story
Speaker 3: from one person's perspective, from one person's lived experience, and
Speaker 3: so it is very one dimensional in that case, and
Speaker 3: I think it's unfair when as an audience we try
Speaker 3: and get more information or try and fit the pieces
Speaker 3: of puzzle together, because there's real people at the end
Speaker 3: of the day who are affected by this.
Speaker 1: I actually find this whole conversation really really fascinating because,
Speaker 1: on one hand, any time you speak in a public space,
Speaker 1: and this could be done on your own Instagram count,
Speaker 1: you know that is somewhat of.
Speaker 2: A public broadcast.
Speaker 1: There is that deliberation between what is my story and
Speaker 1: my lived experience and how much sensitivity do I need
Speaker 1: to provide and privacy do I need to provide for
Speaker 1: the other people in my life who have been a
Speaker 1: part of my life. And it's something that I remember
Speaker 1: back in my very early days of radio, I crossed
Speaker 1: that line a little bit, like occasionally, not hugely, but
Speaker 1: every now and then I would have someone in my life,
Speaker 1: like my mum was one of them, and she was like, Hey,
Speaker 1: I heard this thing that you said on the radio.
Speaker 1: Could you just like not talk about that publicly because
Speaker 1: I just I'm just I don't want that to be
Speaker 1: a story. And I just find that concept very interesting
Speaker 1: because I don't know where you can draw the line
Speaker 1: because for every person it will be different. But also,
Speaker 1: how are we going to have any progression of you know,
Speaker 1: real lessons. I guess if we're not telling the stories
Speaker 1: of people. So it's this kind of complex gray area
Speaker 1: that I don't even know where you can land.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And I guess the thing if you if you
Speaker 3: haven't watched Baby Reindeer yet, what I took from it
Speaker 3: is that he is not a perfect victim in this
Speaker 3: and that there was also an element of the stalking
Speaker 3: that he enjoyed. He enjoyed being part of the center
Speaker 3: of attention, not center of attention, but he enjoyed how
Speaker 3: it made him feel because he was so deeply depressed
Speaker 3: and hated himself and having someone show interest in him.
Speaker 3: But then it gives me more empathy for the person
Speaker 3: who's the stalker because they're obviously mentally unwell and they
Speaker 3: have been almost like led down the path and being
Speaker 3: given breadcrumbs of affirmation that what they're doing isn't wrong.
Speaker 3: So it's it's very very complex. It'll make you feel something.
Speaker 3: I'm not saying that those feelings are going to be
Speaker 3: good feelings. Big recommendation. It's on Netflix. Let's get into
Speaker 3: answering the questions, Laura.
Speaker 1: This question was initially written in the Facebook group by Megan,
Speaker 1: who is a wonderful woman who posts on behalf of
Speaker 1: other people anonymously in the group Huge shout out to
Speaker 1: you you don't get enough reconditional love you and Hannah
Speaker 1: Lauren is the other I would just love to get
Speaker 1: your take on it. The question reads, please let me
Speaker 1: know if I'm being unreasonable or not. My partner Mail
Speaker 1: thirty seven is a big drinker and also has an
Speaker 1: overactive bladder, which leads him to wedding the bed basically
Speaker 1: every weekend when he drinks. I've expressed my discontent with
Speaker 1: this numerous times throughout our three year relationship, and I've
Speaker 1: tried to help by buying nappies, setting alarms during the night,
Speaker 1: and trying to trick him into sleeping in other rooms.
Speaker 1: I've also pushed him to see a urologist, where he
Speaker 1: now takes medication to urinate less throughout the day. However,
Speaker 1: as the bed wedding is primarily a problem from alcohol,
Speaker 1: He's frequently still wedding the bed. This impact has extended
Speaker 1: to when we go away with friends for weddings, on holidays, etc.
Speaker 1: And he makes no effort to drink less, and I'm
Speaker 1: left to monitor him throughout the night to make sure
Speaker 1: he gets up to pete and doesn't wet the bed,
Speaker 1: as we will then have nowhere else to sleep. I'm
Speaker 1: at my wits end, and I have gone to see
Speaker 1: a relationship counselor who basically said, long story short, that
Speaker 1: if I try to change the unchangeable and I'm going
Speaker 1: to drive myself crazy and I basically need to learn
Speaker 1: to live with it. My partner has an enormous victim
Speaker 1: mentality about this, and his only emotional response is that
Speaker 1: it's not fair that his mates can drink as much
Speaker 1: as they want without this problem, And why me it's
Speaker 1: not fair? Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to
Speaker 1: drink less to stop this problem? If he was in
Speaker 1: his early twenties, i'd give him time to grow out
Speaker 1: of it. But at nearly forty, I'm heavily considering leaving
Speaker 1: the relationship because it's so sad and unattractive and I
Speaker 1: don't want this for my future. Please tell me if
Speaker 1: I'm being too hard on him like he says I am.
Speaker 3: When I read this question and for so many people
Speaker 3: who message in the Facebook group, I was like, oh wow, Wow, Okay,
Speaker 3: I'm gonna start. Everyone accepts different things in their relationship.
Speaker 3: Everybody has a different benchmark for what they will accept
Speaker 3: from their partner when it comes to behavior, when it
Speaker 3: comes to things that they can and they can't control,
Speaker 3: Everyone's level is different. Yours is very different to where
Speaker 3: mine is because I already wouldn't be in this relationship
Speaker 3: because of this. But I do understand what the therapist
Speaker 3: has said, even if I don't agree with it. What
Speaker 3: they're saying to you is that if you want to
Speaker 3: be in a relationship with this person and they are
Speaker 3: absolutely not going to change this behavior, then there has
Speaker 3: to come a point where you accept that this behavior
Speaker 3: is not going to change, and that's something where your
Speaker 3: standards drop because you want to be with them. Specifically,
Speaker 3: I would like to approach it from the other perspective,
Speaker 3: which is I wouldn't want to be in a relationship
Speaker 3: with someone who requires me to drop my standards so
Speaker 3: much because they prefer to drink then to stop pissing
Speaker 3: the bed. Like for me, I read this and I
Speaker 3: would say, your partner has a problem with alcohol. If
Speaker 3: they're drinking to a point where they wet the bed
Speaker 3: every weekend or every time you go away or to
Speaker 3: an event, that is a drinking problem. That is an
Speaker 3: issue with alcohol. And when he says, oh, it's so
Speaker 3: unfair that my friends can do X y Z but
Speaker 3: I can't.
Speaker 2: That is welcome to the real world. It's so deeply immature.
Speaker 3: Like to me, I listened to that, and I'm like,
Speaker 3: what if your friends stick their head and the oven
Speaker 3: are you going to like that mentality? I would say
Speaker 3: that to a four year old and the fact that
Speaker 3: you have to say that to a forty year old
Speaker 3: would give And I don't want to be like it
Speaker 3: gives me the ick, but it so deeply gives me theck.
Speaker 3: It is so childish to me that you were left
Speaker 3: in a situation where you were the one who is
Speaker 3: having to try and fix this problem, and when you're
Speaker 3: saying it leaves us with nowhere to sleep, or you're
Speaker 3: having to go and buy nappies, or you're having to
Speaker 3: clean up. He is a grown fucking adult and you
Speaker 3: are not his mom. You are not responsible for his incontinence.
Speaker 3: And it would be very different if he was incontinent
Speaker 3: because he'd had prostate cancer, or incontinent because he had
Speaker 3: some sort of urology issue. But the fact is that
Speaker 3: it comes from alcohol. And so to me, I'm like,
Speaker 3: your problem here is that your partner has an issue
Speaker 3: with alcohol.
Speaker 2: I said exactly.
Speaker 1: I mean very much along these lines in the Facebook
Speaker 1: group when I initially commented on this, and I said
Speaker 1: that I would have a much deeper sympathy if this
Speaker 1: was purely a medical issue, but it's not because he
Speaker 1: is able to not.
Speaker 2: Wet the bed every other day of the week.
Speaker 1: Yeah, the thing I really pointed out is that for him,
Speaker 1: it seems as though there aren't consequences to his behavior,
Speaker 1: and that's where I think things have progressively gotten worse.
Speaker 1: I question why. Firstly, I find it very strange that
Speaker 1: he doesn't have shame about this. Why is he not
Speaker 1: the one having to fix these situations? Why is he
Speaker 1: not the one to have to tell your friends while
Speaker 1: you're away, Hey, sorry, we need to get some fresh
Speaker 1: linen because I've wet the bed again. Yeah, it just
Speaker 1: seems as though there's no consequence for him because you
Speaker 1: care about him so much and you're so worried about
Speaker 1: him feeling shame that you do it all for him.
Speaker 1: There was actually a comment by Tanil in the Facebook
Speaker 1: group that I thought was it just summarized absolutely everything,
Speaker 1: and she said it better than I did. She said,
Speaker 1: would I leave a good relationship because someone had an overactive.
Speaker 2: Blooder and wet the bed?
Speaker 1: No? Would I leave a relationship because my partner treated
Speaker 1: me like his parent, didn't listen to my clear communication,
Speaker 1: didn't take into account my feelings and the effects his
Speaker 1: life had on me, was having an issue based on
Speaker 1: his own actions and choices, and still chose not to
Speaker 1: do anything about it, someone who decided he was the
Speaker 1: victim and I just have to live with the consequences
Speaker 1: of it, And someone who is clearly self absorbed and
Speaker 1: didn't respect me. Yes, I absolutely would drop Mike. Yeah,
Speaker 1: this summarized that it comes down to a respect ish
Speaker 1: and like, I just I actually feel so frustrated for
Speaker 1: you because the audacity of this person to treat you
Speaker 1: like you are worthy of being pissed on in the
Speaker 1: middle of the night. You know, Like, how is drinking
Speaker 1: with his friends to the extent that he does because
Speaker 1: he thinks it's fair that if old mate has a beer,
Speaker 1: he gets to have one too. How is that more
Speaker 1: important to you than urinating on your partner?
Speaker 2: It's just fucking wild to me.
Speaker 3: But also, like I mean, I don't know, have you
Speaker 3: ever been in a situation where a partner's drunk so
Speaker 3: much they've pissed the bad because I have.
Speaker 2: I haven't.
Speaker 3: Actually I have, And I've also been in a situation
Speaker 3: where I've had people stay at my house and their
Speaker 3: boyfriend got so drunk that they pissed in my bed.
Speaker 2: So I've been on both sides. At this point.
Speaker 3: I came home one day and my mattress was out
Speaker 3: on my balcony drying out because their boyfriend had wet
Speaker 3: my bed. And to be fair, she was furious, and
Speaker 3: he was embarrassed, and he had to come to me
Speaker 3: and apologize and he tried to clean it. But like,
Speaker 3: I appreciate at least the embarrassment, and I appreciate at
Speaker 3: least the acknowledgment of it, but also that relationship. One
Speaker 3: of the biggest reasons why their relationship broke up and
Speaker 3: they were married is because he had a drinking problem,
Speaker 3: and because when he would drink, he would piss the bed.
Speaker 3: And so this was repeated behavior that he took absolutely
Speaker 3: no accountability for. And so I think that there comes
Speaker 3: a point where you're like, do I want to live
Speaker 3: like this? You're not twenty, and you've said it. If
Speaker 3: you're twenty, you would have given him allowances. I mean,
Speaker 3: the reference I have is when I was in my twenties,
Speaker 3: I dated a guy who when he drank too much,
Speaker 3: he would wet the bed.
Speaker 2: He did twice, he never did it again. He was humiliated.
Speaker 3: It was like he needed to do it once to
Speaker 3: be humiliated in the first place, and then he needed
Speaker 3: to do it twice to know what his limit was,
Speaker 3: and he was like, oh, I got there again. That's
Speaker 3: what that limit was, right, and he never ever did
Speaker 3: it again, but he It's exactly what you said, Cash.
Speaker 3: It's the lack of embarrassment around it. And I'm not
Speaker 3: saying that like if you're and I'm going to be clear,
Speaker 3: I think we already have. If you are someone who
Speaker 3: has incontinence issues that you can't control, I don't want
Speaker 3: you to feel that there's this deep shame around it.
Speaker 3: But if it's something that you can control but you
Speaker 3: are not because you were preferencing alcohol, that I think
Speaker 3: is something that is pretty shameful and it's something that
Speaker 3: I think you should be at least trying to get
Speaker 3: to the reason as to why why are you needing
Speaker 3: to drink on a weekend to a point where you
Speaker 3: don't have the ability to wake up to control your bladder,
Speaker 3: Like that is past the point of normal drinking.
Speaker 2: I fully agree with that everything you've said. My last
Speaker 2: point is that I.
Speaker 1: Think if you are determined on staying in this relationship,
Speaker 1: which it actually doesn't sound like you are. You said
Speaker 1: you're at your wits end, You're kind of at the
Speaker 1: point where you're about to break and I think that
Speaker 1: that is so reasonable.
Speaker 3: No. Also, the thing you've said here is please tell
Speaker 3: me if I'm being too hard on him, like he
Speaker 3: says that I am.
Speaker 2: No, he's gas lighting you.
Speaker 3: You were being gas lit into believing that you haven't
Speaker 3: been tolerant or understanding or accepting enough.
Speaker 2: That's what this is.
Speaker 3: You've been manipulated to feel guilty about the fact that
Speaker 3: you have adverse reactions to this.
Speaker 1: I think the only way you will be able to
Speaker 1: progress in this relationship is if you get to the
Speaker 1: heart of why he's feeling the need to drink. Often,
Speaker 1: with any type of substance abuse alcoholism.
Speaker 2: There is a reason.
Speaker 1: There is a deep reason why people feel that they
Speaker 1: need to drink to the extent that they do.
Speaker 2: Is it to forget something? Is it to not have
Speaker 2: social anxiety?
Speaker 1: And I know I'm giving so much leniency here, and
Speaker 1: it's not my natural reaction.
Speaker 2: I'm just trying to think of this a little bit
Speaker 2: more wholeheartedly.
Speaker 1: I think if you're able to understand the reason why
Speaker 1: he feels the need to drink to that extent, it
Speaker 1: might give you a little bit more context and it
Speaker 1: may lead you to a potential solution.
Speaker 2: The only other solution to me is that you break up.
Speaker 1: And that's why I'm kind of trying to give this
Speaker 1: other alternative because that's the only thing. This person, to me,
Speaker 1: seems like he has a real issue with taking responsibility
Speaker 1: and accountability, and I doubt this is the only time
Speaker 1: that it shows up in your relationship.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And it's really hard because like when you say,
Speaker 3: like you've been to see a counselor about it, you've
Speaker 3: been to speak to a therapist. I find it so
Speaker 3: interesting that often the person who isn't the issue will
Speaker 3: go and seek the therapy, right the person who is asking,
Speaker 3: literally begging their partner to change, is the one that
Speaker 3: goes to the therapist. But nothing's going to change in
Speaker 3: your relationship unless the person who has the issue also
Speaker 3: wants to go and speak to a counselor also is
Speaker 3: showing up to the relationship with the same wants and
Speaker 3: desires for it to be better as what you do.
Speaker 3: So I kind of I feel really sorry for you
Speaker 3: that the feedback or that the advice that you've received
Speaker 3: is that you just have to accept it. I don't
Speaker 3: want you to interpret that as though you're not being
Speaker 3: understanding enough. What they're trying to say to you in
Speaker 3: that moment is that if this is a relationship that
Speaker 3: you want, you can't change this on your own. So
Speaker 3: the only way of changing it is to change your
Speaker 3: mindset around it. But I don't think changing your mindset
Speaker 3: is the solution here. I think he needs to fucking
Speaker 3: step up. And sometimes you have to realize what it
Speaker 3: is that you've lost the consequences of your actions in
Speaker 3: order to actually change. And that's what it feels like,
Speaker 3: is the situation here, all right? Question number two? This
Speaker 3: is funny, I think, and I wonder if you have
Speaker 3: strong feelings about this or how everyone feels. I randomly
Speaker 3: asked my husband when he had his last wank, to
Speaker 3: which he replied, oh, no, probably last week. Me, being
Speaker 3: a stay at home mum who is home all the time,
Speaker 3: then asked, was I home, and he so casually responded,
Speaker 3: oh no, nine times out of ten, I just have
Speaker 3: a wank at work now I'm not here to yuck
Speaker 3: someone's yum. However, this is not the first partner I've
Speaker 3: had do this. My husband is a trade A guy
Speaker 3: I dated was in real state, and then another one
Speaker 3: worked in medical My.
Speaker 2: Question is is this normal? Why not do it at home?
Speaker 3: Is it a risk kink thing or is this just
Speaker 3: something that guys do. I don't masturbate at work. Logistically,
Speaker 3: it's not my thing. I don't want to sit in
Speaker 3: a cubicle and finger myself finger blast myself on a
Speaker 3: public toilet.
Speaker 1: That I'm grateful Laura for that, as we have more
Speaker 1: than one toilet in our bathrooms here at Wall.
Speaker 3: To be fair, if I'm glad, I don't hear a
Speaker 3: buzz buzz, even if I wanted to kisha every single
Speaker 3: time I say I'm going to the toilet, you follow
Speaker 3: me in.
Speaker 2: I am a reappeal a lot of time. I've never
Speaker 2: weed in bed with you. Okay, you should be grateful
Speaker 2: for that, that's true.
Speaker 1: My initial reaction to this was legitimately, what the actual
Speaker 1: fuck are you talking about? No, this isn't normal, and
Speaker 1: I decided to do a read of the room. I
Speaker 1: asked my boyfriend. He said he's never done it, and
Speaker 1: he's done overnight shifts. I had six girls over at
Speaker 1: my house last night for book club, and I was like, guys,
Speaker 1: tomorrow on the podcast, I think this is something we're
Speaker 1: going to talk about can I get a reader the room?
Speaker 1: What's your go and what do your partners think? Much
Speaker 1: more common than I anticipated. How many out of the
Speaker 1: six ah, I think it was nearly fifty to fifty.
Speaker 1: And the fifty percent who were like no, were like,
Speaker 1: I don't know.
Speaker 2: It's never something that I've asked them. I've never thought
Speaker 2: I needed to.
Speaker 3: So were they saying yes to themselves or yes for
Speaker 3: their partners? Like for their partners?
Speaker 1: Yeah, well I actually didn't get to ourselves, but I
Speaker 1: asked about partners first, and they responded with things like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I think he's done it, like in the showers at work,
Speaker 1: you know, if they either go for a run or
Speaker 1: something equal.
Speaker 2: It was the gym.
Speaker 1: Apparently it's something that people sometimes do in the shower
Speaker 1: at the gym.
Speaker 2: That seems really unnecessary. This person has written in saying
Speaker 2: that their husband is a trade. My brother's a trade.
Speaker 2: He's a builder.
Speaker 1: He doesn't even let the people who work on his
Speaker 1: job sites use the bathrooms of the people whose homes
Speaker 1: they're creating.
Speaker 2: So he's masturbating in a portaloo. It's like, that's what
Speaker 2: that I need some ambience? Men?
Speaker 3: Really, they don't need a lot, do they a lot
Speaker 3: of them, like far out.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a process for me. I don't know.
Speaker 3: Wow, I do think men and women we're speaking mostly
Speaker 3: like from like heterosexual position, but like I would say,
Speaker 3: guys are more likely to do it than what women are.
Speaker 3: But I'm not ruling out women masturbating at work. I
Speaker 3: think that they're also there's many more reasons loaded into it,
Speaker 3: Like female pleasure has been something that's like been very shrouded.
Speaker 3: It's been very stigmatized for so long. I'm okay with
Speaker 3: the stigma of wanking at work. I'm not that progressive.
Speaker 1: I'm actually okay with being like, now, that's a bit strange.
Speaker 3: Do you imagine if that was the next movement, women
Speaker 3: who wank at work?
Speaker 2: WW? We want equal rights. Sorry, I'm gonna get canceled.
Speaker 1: To me, there just seems like there's logistical complications here.
Speaker 2: How do you clean yourself up? How you are you cyber?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: If you get it else, silent work just ww.
Speaker 1: Sorry, I'm not sure we should be normalizing it. If
Speaker 1: I was going to put my energy into normalizing something
Speaker 1: that has stigma, this isn't it.
Speaker 2: But I do think maybe maybe it could be.
Speaker 1: Related to how you respond to whether your partner masturbates
Speaker 1: at home? Bear with me, he said nine times out
Speaker 1: of ten, he'll do it at work, because she was like,
Speaker 1: but I'm home all the time. So are you the
Speaker 1: person who's not okay with your partner masturbating while you're
Speaker 1: at home? Or is it more just a case that,
Speaker 1: like you're physically at home, and like often you'll walk
Speaker 1: into the bathroom when he's in the shower and vice versa. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I always wonder when Matt does it, because I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm home a lot when he's home, although he does
Speaker 1: work from home, so I'm guessing probably that complexes the
Speaker 1: question of do you wankn work, because like for him,
Speaker 1: it's a one in one in all, Yeah, do you
Speaker 1: wank in the same spot that you do your work? Though?
Speaker 3: Like do you wank at the table or is it
Speaker 3: always in the shower or the bedroom? Do you remember
Speaker 3: how earlier you said like you share other people's stories,
Speaker 3: and sometimes you think that maybe you share things that
Speaker 3: are not yours to share. I think I'm walking into
Speaker 3: that territory right now. Hey, honey, where do you wank in?
Speaker 3: What part of their house? Just so I know, do
Speaker 3: you use the towels or the toilet. People like, what's
Speaker 3: it like? Should we get that detailed? I don't think so.
Speaker 2: I feel like it's fine to leave that as a
Speaker 2: question mark.
Speaker 3: Okay, rhetorical. He doesn't need to answer, and Mattie J
Speaker 3: Will not be joining us.
Speaker 1: But what I mean by this is like, if you're
Speaker 1: the type of person who doesn't like your partner masturbating
Speaker 1: at home, especially when you're home, because the question could
Speaker 1: be like, well, why don't you want to have sex
Speaker 1: with me? I don't have a problem with that because
Speaker 1: to me, masturbation and having sex are very different things.
Speaker 1: The intimacy is very different. One's more of a physical need,
Speaker 1: one's more of an emotional thing.
Speaker 3: As so long as your sex life is not affected,
Speaker 3: I don't think we should be telling people when they
Speaker 3: can and can't masturbate.
Speaker 1: Well, some people actually really don't like it. They don't
Speaker 1: like the idea of their partner getting off while they
Speaker 1: are at home.
Speaker 2: That's problematic.
Speaker 1: It's personal preference to some degree. I think I think
Speaker 1: it depends. It's one of those gray areas for me,
Speaker 1: But that would be my next question to you. Is
Speaker 1: he doing it nine times out of ten at work?
Speaker 1: Because he doesn't feel comfortable doing it at home, maybe
Speaker 1: he'll be doing it.
Speaker 2: In the portalloo less if you tell him that you're
Speaker 2: fine with it.
Speaker 3: I find that so I'm still hung up on what
Speaker 3: you just said. I find it so interesting that you
Speaker 3: think it is a gray area to not be okay
Speaker 3: with your partner masturbating so long as it doesn't affect
Speaker 3: your relationship. I think if they're doing it so frequently
Speaker 3: that it affects your sex life, I would have an
Speaker 3: issue with it.
Speaker 2: I think it depends on where they do it.
Speaker 3: But if totally okay, if they're doing it whilst you're
Speaker 3: asleep next to you, like problem, that's what I mean
Speaker 3: by gray area. If they are just in their free
Speaker 3: time on a Tuesday at eleven because they work from home,
Speaker 3: wanting to go upstairs, have a shower and have a wank.
Speaker 3: Like I don't think that we have the autonomy over
Speaker 3: another person's body to say whether they should or can't,
Speaker 3: or could or can masturbate, Like that's it, that's your
Speaker 3: personal preference. You do you, that's your body do or
Speaker 3: whatever you want with it. I don't think we should
Speaker 3: have license over people's bo like that.
Speaker 2: I completely agree.
Speaker 1: For me, the gray area comes down to whether it
Speaker 1: is impacting you having sex, Like if they're masturbating so
Speaker 1: much that you're not having sex, that could be a problem.
Speaker 1: It might not be, but it could be totally if
Speaker 1: they're doing it in places like if they're in the
Speaker 1: shower and you're in the bathroom, you might not like that,
Speaker 1: do you know what I mean? Like the area that
Speaker 1: they do it and the privacy that they do it
Speaker 1: from is where it becomes a gray area.
Speaker 2: Okay, I under so, yeah, yeah, that's.
Speaker 1: What And I completely agree that we can't be telling
Speaker 1: people if it's not problematic where they can and can't
Speaker 1: get off, unless maybe it's at work.
Speaker 3: Will definitely put a pole up for this. I would
Speaker 3: love to know we're going to do two. Ask your
Speaker 3: partners if you're in a relationship, I want to know
Speaker 3: if your partners have masturbated at work. That's one pole.
Speaker 3: But then I also want to know if you have
Speaker 3: done it. And I think that these things will be
Speaker 3: more skewed. So I have never that I can remember,
Speaker 3: no whereas like maybe you have zero judgment, all right,
Speaker 3: Question number three, My husband has gone to Darwin for
Speaker 3: a week for a friend's fortieth.
Speaker 2: We live in New South Wales, which's fine.
Speaker 3: I encouraged him to go. I am home with our
Speaker 3: two children at age two and four months.
Speaker 2: Oh poor thing. I'm feeling a little.
Speaker 3: Bit let down how often he is checking in with
Speaker 3: me while he is away. I feel like I have
Speaker 3: been initiating all contact with him, sending messages with updates
Speaker 3: of the kids, etc.
Speaker 2: And he takes.
Speaker 3: Hours to respond, if at all. He doesn't bother to
Speaker 3: send good morning or good night messages or calls. And
Speaker 3: I can see that he has been active online. He's
Speaker 3: staying at his brother's house, and I know for a
Speaker 3: fact they have just been sitting around drinking for the
Speaker 3: last few days. Am I being unreasonable thinking he should
Speaker 3: be checking in on us more? I have pulled back
Speaker 3: on how many times I initiate contact to see whether
Speaker 3: he would pick it up on his end, but he hasn't.
Speaker 3: Should I bring it up with him or just let
Speaker 3: it go? Yeah?
Speaker 2: That sucks? That actually really sucks.
Speaker 1: And it sucks for two reasons, not just for you,
Speaker 1: but also because it seems as though he's not really
Speaker 1: checking in with.
Speaker 2: How the kid's own children are going.
Speaker 1: Ah, look, no you are not being too sensitive of whatsoever.
Speaker 1: Do I think you should bring it up with him, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I do, but I think you should wait until he
Speaker 1: gets home until you bring it up with him.
Speaker 2: We've been in situations where we've been away for.
Speaker 1: Work, and like truly, it can be very, very very busy.
Speaker 1: But I think that kind of the bare minimum is
Speaker 1: the book end of the day. It's the good morning
Speaker 1: and the good night, especially if you have children. It's
Speaker 1: quite strange to me that he wouldn't actually be not
Speaker 1: only wondering how the kids are going, but wondering how
Speaker 1: you're going with.
Speaker 2: Them on your own.
Speaker 1: I think if you are wanting to get the best
Speaker 1: out of this scenario, it will be best if you
Speaker 1: wait until he comes home and you just say I
Speaker 1: was really looking forward to you going away and having
Speaker 1: a really good time with your brother. I think he's
Speaker 1: gone away with some friends, and I even encourage you
Speaker 1: to go.
Speaker 2: And as a part of that, I had to.
Speaker 1: Take on extra responsibility of looking after our children on
Speaker 1: my own, and I expected that you would have a
Speaker 1: bit more kindness, compassion and respect for me and want
Speaker 1: to know how I was going in that situation, because
Speaker 1: it was extra load for me and I was disappointed
Speaker 1: by the fact that it seems as though you didn't care.
Speaker 3: I agree that you should have the conversation, but I
Speaker 3: disagree with timing, and I think you should have it now,
Speaker 3: which is probably annoying because by the time we actually
Speaker 3: answer this question, who'll probably be home realistically, But and
Speaker 3: I just say this from my personal experience, because I
Speaker 3: have had this experience with Matt, and Matt has had
Speaker 3: this experience with me. When you are the person who
Speaker 3: leaves and you are away from your kids and from
Speaker 3: your family, especially if you're normally so so so so
Speaker 3: plugged in, there's two types of people. There's people who
Speaker 3: are super proactive because they're so concerned and they miss
Speaker 3: their children and miss their family and miss everything so
Speaker 3: much that they are.
Speaker 2: Very, very constantly in contact.
Speaker 3: Then there are also people, and I think it's very
Speaker 3: easy to jump down the throat of being like he
Speaker 3: doesn't care. I also think it's a massive testament to
Speaker 3: you that he's like, you've got this. The kids are
Speaker 3: well taken care of, you know, I'm not worried about them,
Speaker 3: But it does show a lack of interest in this moment,
Speaker 3: and I would just I'm just playing devil's advocate. I
Speaker 3: know there'll be other mums out there who will like,
Speaker 3: shut up, Laura, but it's probably not that often that
Speaker 3: he gets to plug into his friends and into the
Speaker 3: pre kid life, you know, into like the lack of responsibility,
Speaker 3: and I think the window of him going away on
Speaker 3: this holiday is very small. So I would say if
Speaker 3: this was me and I was in a situation, so
Speaker 3: to not make it a massive, massive deal, to not
Speaker 3: make it this big accusatory thing, to not harbor and
Speaker 3: hold onto the resentment that you're going to feel when
Speaker 3: he comes home, and then you bring it up when
Speaker 3: he's home, when he can't do anything about it. The
Speaker 3: situation's then passed and all he can do is be like, oh,
Speaker 3: I'm so sorry, or he'll get defensive and say but
Speaker 3: I did X y Z. I would just say the
Speaker 3: next time I'm talking to him, like, hey, honey, i'm
Speaker 3: feeling pretty lonely and I'm feeling like you're not making
Speaker 3: much of an effort to contact me. Can you try
Speaker 3: a bit harder? And then that gives him the opportunity
Speaker 3: to try. And it's not accusatree, it's not you starting
Speaker 3: a fight with him or making out that he's a
Speaker 3: bad dad, or that he doesn't care about your family,
Speaker 3: because if this is the only time that you've experienced this,
Speaker 3: it's probably a very rare thing that he goes away,
Speaker 3: and if he is normally an incredible husband, an incredible dad,
Speaker 3: he probably is just caught up in being able to
Speaker 3: spend time with his friends. I felt like this when
Speaker 3: Matt went to Vegas recently, because he was so busy,
Speaker 3: he was working. He was also in Vegas, and I
Speaker 3: was at home being like.
Speaker 2: Uh, well, fuck a bit, you're having a good time.
Speaker 3: You know. I was getting like very short answers from him,
Speaker 3: And when I was getting answers, it was like a
Speaker 3: few hours had passed, and I just said to him,
Speaker 3: I was like, can you put in a bit more
Speaker 3: effort with contacting me? And Matt did, and he was amazing.
Speaker 3: And I think sometimes we just need to be made
Speaker 3: aware of what we're doing and how it's affecting the
Speaker 3: person on the other end. And I don't think that
Speaker 3: everything needs to end in a fight, and he'll just
Speaker 3: try a little bit harder, or it gives him the
Speaker 3: opportunity to try a little bit harder.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they're really.
Speaker 1: Good points and I think you probably have more skin
Speaker 1: in like, you have more actual lived experience in this
Speaker 1: than would I do. So I feel a bit of
Speaker 1: a phony trying to give advice because it doesn't.
Speaker 2: Need to have kids in the equation.
Speaker 3: It could just be your partner's away on holidays and
Speaker 3: they're not contacting you as much.
Speaker 2: Well.
Speaker 1: The reason that I naturally would wait until someone got
Speaker 1: home is in case of defensiveness, because I think for
Speaker 1: most people it's so easy to naturally want to defend
Speaker 1: yourself and want to defend your behavior. And when you
Speaker 1: have that happening via text or whether you have it
Speaker 1: happening via a quick call with his mates in the
Speaker 1: next room, unless your partner is the type of person
Speaker 1: who takes on feedback really well, I feel like it
Speaker 1: could make the situation worse. Do you know? So that's
Speaker 1: I guess you're gonna have to see. So that based
Speaker 1: off of your own actual relationship.
Speaker 3: But your partner's reaction is defensive, it shows like a
Speaker 3: real lack of immaturity. I think like a lack of maturity. Sorry,
Speaker 3: And it depends on the way in which you're you're
Speaker 3: saying this. I'm saying, don't come at it from an
Speaker 3: accusatory way. Don't come at it saying like you're not
Speaker 3: texting me. It's a like, hey, honey, I'm feeling a
Speaker 3: little bit lonely at the moment. It's been a lot
Speaker 3: with the kids. Could you text me a bit more?
Speaker 3: Or can you just try and respond to me when
Speaker 3: I know you're busy and I know you're having a
Speaker 3: great time, but I would really love it if you
Speaker 3: could try and get back to me, or you know,
Speaker 3: message in the mornings or stuff like it makes me
Speaker 3: feel like you're thinking about me. I do sometimes think
Speaker 3: it's the way in which we word things that can
Speaker 3: make something feel accusatory, and then that puts someone instantly
Speaker 3: on the defense rather than it being like, Okay, we
Speaker 3: both want the same thing. You know he loves you,
Speaker 3: you know he wants to be with you, unless fundamentally
Speaker 3: you're questioning those parts of your relationships.
Speaker 1: I think, I mean, I want to like examine myself
Speaker 1: in this situation. I have naturally been the person who
Speaker 1: takes criticism on really really badly, And I'm just thinking
Speaker 1: about how even if you don't word it in an
Speaker 1: accusatory way, someone still has the ability to take it
Speaker 1: on as criticism, you know, And again I think the
Speaker 1: way you have worded at Laura is going to be
Speaker 1: the most likely to have a positive impact.
Speaker 2: But underlying you are disappointed and you are a bit
Speaker 2: pissed off.
Speaker 1: So I think it's going to be hard to kind
Speaker 1: of convey that message without any accusation at all of
Speaker 1: being like, you haven't been living up to what I've
Speaker 1: expected of you. And also I don't think you're expecting
Speaker 1: too much. So he kind of is coming in it
Speaker 1: to this situation with you being like, hey, you haven't
Speaker 1: really reached out to me very much.
Speaker 2: It's true.
Speaker 1: It's not like he can turn around and be like,
Speaker 1: but yes I have. He's immediately going to be like, fuck,
Speaker 1: I haven't, you know.
Speaker 3: But when we talk about this idea of being defensive,
Speaker 3: I think avoiding a conversation because you're worried about the
Speaker 3: other person becoming defensive and gas Lardi. I guess my
Speaker 3: question to you, Keish would be, well, then what is
Speaker 3: the benefit of bringing it up after the fact, Because one,
Speaker 3: they can't do any reparation, They can't do anything to
Speaker 3: change it because it's already happened. And now it's like, Okay,
Speaker 3: well you're angry at me about something that all I
Speaker 3: can do is say sorry for I can't even I
Speaker 3: wasn't aware of it. I didn't know, and now you're
Speaker 3: annoyed and you haven't you didn't say anything. Yeah, yours
Speaker 3: is much better conflict resolution.
Speaker 2: Well, it just to me it might not be.
Speaker 1: And I mean, for me, it would be a next time.
Speaker 1: But who knows when the next time is going to be?
Speaker 1: You know, like, and I very much see your point.
Speaker 1: You're not giving him the opportunity to change the behavior
Speaker 1: in the moment.
Speaker 2: You're only assuming that he will become defensive.
Speaker 3: My worry is is like if that was me and
Speaker 3: that when I came home said hey, the whole time
Speaker 3: that you were away, you did this and it upset me,
Speaker 3: I'd be like, why didn't you tell me I was
Speaker 3: away for a week And I had no intention of
Speaker 3: upsetting you. I did not know that I was hurting
Speaker 3: your feelings. I would never want to hurt your feelings.
Speaker 3: I would have tried harder. And now I hate that
Speaker 3: you spent that whole week thinking I didn't care about you.
Speaker 3: You know, advice has changed my mind. Listen to Laura,
Speaker 3: I am.
Speaker 2: Not a therapist.
Speaker 1: Your advice actually is a lot better in this situation,
Speaker 1: and you are giving the ability to alter the behavior.
Speaker 2: Listen to Laura. Only take on what I've said. If
Speaker 2: your partner is super defensive normally.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but also maybe that's something that you'll need to
Speaker 1: address in other areas. This feels way more I'm exposing
Speaker 1: what goes on in my brain.
Speaker 2: Maybe you have anxiety too, who knows. Let's get into
Speaker 2: the last question. Okay, question before.
Speaker 1: What I've loved about the questions in the last five
Speaker 1: weeks that I've been able to fill in on asking
Speaker 1: cut with you is that we have gone from such deep,
Speaker 1: meaningful conversation to the silliest of silly things.
Speaker 3: And I think this is going to say that there's
Speaker 3: no dumb questions, and I know I've said it before,
Speaker 3: but like recently, there have been some, and that's okay,
Speaker 3: we love it.
Speaker 1: Here's what I consider to be one wearing a brata work,
Speaker 1: I haven't a couple of times I have small titties
Speaker 1: and where normal neckline tops. Thought I could absolutely get
Speaker 1: away with it, but I did just notice one of
Speaker 1: my male coworkers looking down and it made me feel
Speaker 1: a bit weird. I have a desk job, and am
Speaker 1: worried it might not be very professional.
Speaker 2: We'd love your thoughts.
Speaker 3: This is a bit off tangent, but as soon as
Speaker 3: I read this, it reminded me of something that happened
Speaker 3: to me when I worked in marketing a fucking million
Speaker 3: years ago. So I used to work for this company.
Speaker 3: It was a dental sleep apnear company.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 3: We used to make snee We used to make dental
Speaker 3: devices for people who i'd sleep APNA, and I worked
Speaker 3: in their marketing team and my marketing boss and I
Speaker 3: back in the day, in my twenties, before kids sucked
Speaker 3: the life out of my titties, I had reasonably good boobs,
Speaker 3: reasonably good, not great, not terrible, reasonably good. Anyway, I
Speaker 3: wore normal tops with normal bras to work. Like nothing
Speaker 3: that you would think is revealing, Like I was an
Speaker 3: office job, but I have like a it's called pectus
Speaker 3: escavadam I think or something like that is that medical
Speaker 3: medical people are going to think that I said that
Speaker 3: wrong or I butchered it. But it's basically like I
Speaker 3: have a hole in my chest, like my chest goes in.
Speaker 2: I have this like really deep Hello.
Speaker 3: Everybody on YouTube, I have a really deep, like con cave.
Speaker 3: It's called pigeon chest for people who want like the
Speaker 3: layman's terms in my chest anyway, which makes me look
Speaker 3: like I have bigger boobs than I do.
Speaker 2: And I would be sitting at my desk shadow cleavage. Yeah,
Speaker 2: it's fake, it's fake. Yes, I see fake cleavage. See
Speaker 2: it really goes in. I'm sure they really appreciate your welcome.
Speaker 3: So I would sit on my desk and my marketing
Speaker 3: manager would always come and talk to me from above me,
Speaker 3: so he was always over me, so he would get
Speaker 3: a bird's eye view of cleavage if.
Speaker 2: He wanted it. Pigeon.
Speaker 3: Do you know what he said to me this one day?
Speaker 3: He said this is I'm not mincing his words. He said,
Speaker 3: why do you like getting your tits out at work?
Speaker 2: Yeah? And I was.
Speaker 3: Mortified, absolutely fucking mortified because in my mind I was
Speaker 3: just wearing a button up shirt with a braro on,
Speaker 3: like I wasn't getting my tits out at work anyway.
Speaker 3: Needless to say, like it was a different culture back then.
Speaker 3: I think everybody has stories from you know, fifteen years ago,
Speaker 3: almost twenty it was eighteen years ago as to how
Speaker 3: working in offices was way more fucking problematic, and we
Speaker 3: didn't have HR at the time, and anyway, it was
Speaker 3: a ship place to work. But when I read this question,
Speaker 3: I thought of that, and I thought of like the
Speaker 3: what is appropriate and what isn't appropriate? And I think
Speaker 3: it's a true one because where my brain goes to
Speaker 3: instantly is fuck it if men can go to shirt
Speaker 3: with their nipples obvious through their button up shirts, like
Speaker 3: you should be able to too, you know, like you
Speaker 3: shouldn't be told what you can and can't wear to work.
Speaker 3: But then the more conservative side of me says, for
Speaker 3: your own sense of like not being sexualized at work
Speaker 3: and being able to one be seen as professional and
Speaker 3: not to be in a situation where some absolute fucking
Speaker 3: flog of a human is going to look down your
Speaker 3: shirt or say anything that's overtly sexual to you, I
Speaker 3: would wear a bra, And I know that that is
Speaker 3: very much of like why did you wear a short
Speaker 3: skirt mentality, which is not how I mean this to sound.
Speaker 3: And I very very very much want like preface this
Speaker 3: that that is absolutely not how I feel about this.
Speaker 3: But I also think that from a work environment, there
Speaker 3: are things that are deemed acceptable and not acceptable professional
Speaker 3: and not professional, whether that's right or wrong. And I
Speaker 3: would just say you don't have to not wear something
Speaker 3: that's revealing. You can have your cleavage art, but I
Speaker 3: would say wear a bra if it means it's less
Speaker 3: easy for someone to be able to look down your top.
Speaker 2: Does that make sense.
Speaker 3: Without it being like and I don't want this to
Speaker 3: be something that people interpret as though I'm shaming you
Speaker 3: for what you do or don't wear. You can wear
Speaker 3: whatever the fuck you want to. There's no dress code
Speaker 3: that says women have to wear bras to work. I
Speaker 3: just more mean that if it's obvious for someone to
Speaker 3: see down your top, in the same way that if
Speaker 3: a guy was bending over and I could see all
Speaker 3: of his nipples out at work, I'd be like, why
Speaker 3: are you wearing a singlet to work? It's not an
Speaker 3: appropriate attire. I feel the same about what a woman wears.
Speaker 3: And I say this from like, you know, guys normally
Speaker 3: wear button up shirts.
Speaker 2: They are not revealing.
Speaker 3: What we can wear to work can be more revealing
Speaker 3: because female clothing, professional clothing is far more varied and
Speaker 3: there's far more of a spectrum of what we wear.
Speaker 2: Rather than just being a button up shirt.
Speaker 1: I think this comment, like, yes, the progressive part of
Speaker 1: me wants to be like, burn the fucking bras wear whatever.
Speaker 1: You have come so far with these conversations, But the
Speaker 1: reality is that's not life. And the reality is that
Speaker 1: in society right now, we deem some things appropriate, we
Speaker 1: dem some things inappropriate, and if you're in a workplace environment,
Speaker 1: those to me, I'm just like, I don't know if
Speaker 1: this is the hill I would be willing to die
Speaker 1: on because we have made such progression with gender equality,
Speaker 1: particularly in the workplace. I'm like, is not wearing a
Speaker 1: bra where you want to like focus the energy of
Speaker 1: the progression of wherever you work?
Speaker 2: I don't know. My other question is where do you work?
Speaker 3: I mean, it's so dependent and when I'm saying, like
Speaker 3: when I was talking about opposite center office job, are
Speaker 3: you working at a desk job for a lawyers? Like,
Speaker 3: there's different levels I think of professionalism of dress attire
Speaker 3: for work. So I do think that that has to
Speaker 3: be taken into consideration.
Speaker 1: Interestingly, and not to talk about myself, but I do
Speaker 1: have lived experience from the opposite end of the spectrum.
Speaker 2: I'm naturally a ten.
Speaker 1: F people with big boobs have had to control the uncontrollable.
Speaker 1: There have been times where I have been wearing perfectly
Speaker 1: normal T shirts, normal T shirt, normal fittedness, whatever you'd
Speaker 1: call it, Like, and when you have a big bust,
Speaker 1: you are overtly sexualized regardless of what you're wearing.
Speaker 2: So to me, I kind of just go like, Oh.
Speaker 1: It would be a really nice debate for me to
Speaker 1: be like, is it too one professional for me to
Speaker 1: not wear a bra because my whole life it has been.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: And you also can't wear ninety percent of the tops
Speaker 1: even if you wear a button up top. Is it
Speaker 1: so tight between your boobs that the point where the
Speaker 1: buttons are that you end up with a gape? You
Speaker 1: end up with this big gaping hole exactly looking at
Speaker 1: where your bra is. I've felt really like conflicted about
Speaker 1: wearing something that fits me everywhere else, and so then
Speaker 1: your whole wardrobe has to change to these big moo
Speaker 1: moo like things because you're trying to be appropriate. And
Speaker 1: it's just a little bit like I hate the fact
Speaker 1: that this is still something that we have to control
Speaker 1: our behavior because of the way that other people respond
Speaker 1: to it. That sucks in society, but it is the
Speaker 1: reality of how life is, and to me, I kind
Speaker 1: of just go.
Speaker 2: If you think it's unprofessional, just wear bra.
Speaker 1: Like everyone with a big busters had to, They've had
Speaker 1: to make more sacrifice.
Speaker 3: I agree with you, I totally agree, and I think
Speaker 3: that this is I feel very differently about it because
Speaker 3: we're talking about it from a work perspective. Yeah, and
Speaker 3: for any other place that might be considered like a
Speaker 3: professional space.
Speaker 2: If you're questioning it, as Keisha said, just wear a bra.
Speaker 2: I'd rather focus my energy on the gender pay gap.
Speaker 2: So that's it from us today. Britt will be back
Speaker 2: next week.
Speaker 3: So Brute is coming back on the weekend, and then
Speaker 3: we're going to be doing like a big deep dive
Speaker 3: in all of the ins and out questions of I'm
Speaker 3: a celebrity, which I'm still fascinated by how the whole
Speaker 3: thing works. I think she's had a bit of R
Speaker 3: and R, a bit of time to like recoup and yeah.
Speaker 2: And to eat some normal food.
Speaker 1: If you have got a question, you can either post
Speaker 1: it in the Facebook group there is a threat in there.
Speaker 1: You can send it to our Instagram page at Life
Speaker 1: on Cut.
Speaker 2: Podcast, join us on YouTube. We're having a lot of
Speaker 2: fun on there.
Speaker 3: At the moment we don't ever have many subscribers, but
Speaker 3: we are doing all the work.
Speaker 2: You can be in OG.
Speaker 1: You can be a cult member from the start of
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