1 00:00:03,320 --> 00:00:06,960 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the 2 00:00:07,040 --> 00:00:10,000 Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers. 3 00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:13,360 Speaker 2: Now as a mom, often I actually don't need your 4 00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:17,280 Speaker 2: physical presence to do things, but I do need a 5 00:00:17,320 --> 00:00:18,040 Speaker 2: sounding board. 6 00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:21,400 Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom 7 00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:21,920 Speaker 1: and dad. 8 00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:22,360 Speaker 2: Good. 9 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:25,639 Speaker 3: This is doctor Justin Colson, the founder of Happy Families 10 00:00:25,680 --> 00:00:28,040 Speaker 3: dot com dot au and author of six books about 11 00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:32,120 Speaker 3: how to raise our happy family. Here with my wife 12 00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:35,440 Speaker 3: and co host Kylie and missus Happy Families. I'm feeling 13 00:00:35,520 --> 00:00:38,519 Speaker 3: very manly today. I've gone and well, I was going 14 00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:41,720 Speaker 3: to say, I've rescued a dead fish, but you currently 15 00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:44,000 Speaker 3: rescue a dead fish? Can you? We have a little fish? 16 00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:46,559 Speaker 2: Did you rescue it with? I might ask, Well, you 17 00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:47,360 Speaker 2: had to bring it to me. 18 00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:49,760 Speaker 3: So we've got a little fish pond outside our house, 19 00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:52,480 Speaker 3: and we don't do a very good job of keeping 20 00:00:52,479 --> 00:00:55,160 Speaker 3: our fish alive. I don't know why, because we feed 21 00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:56,640 Speaker 3: them and there's lots of other you know, just the 22 00:00:56,720 --> 00:01:00,680 Speaker 3: dirty mossy stuff that's in there. And I noticed that 23 00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:03,200 Speaker 3: there was a fish floating, and so I tried to 24 00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:04,399 Speaker 3: get it out and I couldn't get it. So I 25 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:06,040 Speaker 3: called out to you, and you brought out a what 26 00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:07,560 Speaker 3: do you call that thing? Like a strainer, like a 27 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:08,560 Speaker 3: colander kind of thing. 28 00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:10,839 Speaker 2: Yeah, you got my kitchen strainer. 29 00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:14,080 Speaker 3: And I got it out and I buried the fish. 30 00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:16,319 Speaker 3: And I'm feeling very manly for my hair. 31 00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:20,800 Speaker 2: Buried the fish. Was there a shovel included in this burial? 32 00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:24,560 Speaker 2: Because I don't believe the flick over the shoulder is 33 00:01:24,680 --> 00:01:26,360 Speaker 2: considered a burial. 34 00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:29,640 Speaker 3: Making me sound really bad, I threw it in the garden. 35 00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:31,120 Speaker 3: It'll get buried in the garden. 36 00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:37,080 Speaker 2: I'm glad that our kids aren't that attached to these fish. 37 00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:38,440 Speaker 2: Holy smokes. 38 00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:41,880 Speaker 3: Well, anyway, that's just another day in the life of the. 39 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:45,679 Speaker 2: Causons sharing the cognitive b looa right there. 40 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:47,600 Speaker 3: Yeah, well, well that's what we're talking about today. But 41 00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:50,760 Speaker 3: before we get to it, we got another five star 42 00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:53,280 Speaker 3: review come through. In fact, they've been coming through fairly frequently. 43 00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:56,360 Speaker 3: Thank you so much. TBK. Wills, who said five stars. 44 00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:59,720 Speaker 3: I'm playing catch up from February of all your podcasts, 45 00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:01,760 Speaker 3: really feel that I cannot miss one of them. There's 46 00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:04,440 Speaker 3: too much good stuff in every episode. We love those 47 00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:06,400 Speaker 3: five star ratings and reviews so that other people can 48 00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:09,160 Speaker 3: find out about the podcast. Wherever you listen, please leave 49 00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:11,720 Speaker 3: a rating and review so that we can make other 50 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:15,000 Speaker 3: families happy. So now we've got to try to help 51 00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:17,320 Speaker 3: everybody to be happy with a request that's come through 52 00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:20,040 Speaker 3: podcasts at happy families dot com, dot you is how 53 00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:22,040 Speaker 3: you contact us? What's the question? Hunt? 54 00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:25,240 Speaker 2: The question was specifically to me and asking how do 55 00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:27,919 Speaker 2: I share the mental load as a mum with you? 56 00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:30,080 Speaker 3: So there's an assumption that question that you're carrying the 57 00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:33,120 Speaker 3: cognitive load of our family? Is that what I believe? 58 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:34,160 Speaker 2: So I believe. 59 00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:35,359 Speaker 3: So do you think that you are? 60 00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:40,000 Speaker 2: I do think that I carry a very large percentage 61 00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:41,080 Speaker 2: of the cognitive load. 62 00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:44,480 Speaker 3: Yes, so I think we should test this. But what 63 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:47,800 Speaker 3: I think is fascinating is that when researchers do studies 64 00:02:47,880 --> 00:02:51,080 Speaker 3: on this topic and they look at the way that 65 00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:53,520 Speaker 3: the way just the household division of labor. So this 66 00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:55,720 Speaker 3: is not so much cognitive load as it is who's 67 00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:58,360 Speaker 3: doing what in the home. What the data seems to 68 00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:01,560 Speaker 3: be showing is that when men are asked what percentage 69 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:04,240 Speaker 3: of the housework they do, for example, they might say 70 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:10,560 Speaker 3: I do forty, and then their partners. This is always 71 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:13,640 Speaker 3: in a heterosexual relationship, the partners will be asked how 72 00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:16,680 Speaker 3: much do you do, and they'll say ninety five percent, 73 00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:19,360 Speaker 3: And you'll notice that forty plus ninety five is more 74 00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:21,480 Speaker 3: than one hundred percent. I'm not going to do the maths. 75 00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:24,080 Speaker 3: And what the researches have found for decades now is 76 00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:28,080 Speaker 3: that somebody is exaggerating the extent to which they're participating 77 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:31,200 Speaker 3: in household labor and helping out around home and family, 78 00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:34,080 Speaker 3: and that there are some people who are suggesting that 79 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:34,800 Speaker 3: it may be the men. 80 00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:35,560 Speaker 1: Well. 81 00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:38,640 Speaker 2: I actually read an article that's been written by a 82 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:43,120 Speaker 2: Harvard PhD student in relation to this idea of the 83 00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:46,240 Speaker 2: cognitive load, and she actually talked about the fact that 84 00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:51,680 Speaker 2: there are three different areas where we carry this load. 85 00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:55,200 Speaker 2: First of all, as mums and parents in general, we've 86 00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:57,560 Speaker 2: got the emotional work we're dealing with, you know, kind 87 00:03:57,600 --> 00:04:01,560 Speaker 2: of helping our children with these big emotions that come through. Yep. 88 00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:04,240 Speaker 2: We're also doing the admin work, and I would suggest 89 00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:06,920 Speaker 2: that that's pretty much where most of our energy is spent. 90 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:10,840 Speaker 3: So that's library day and sports day and swimming lessons 91 00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:13,280 Speaker 3: and yeah, the running of the house is birthdays when 92 00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:17,280 Speaker 3: and organizing parties or taking kids places that sort of thing. 93 00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:20,160 Speaker 2: That's right and then there's project work, so on top 94 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:22,440 Speaker 2: of all of the daily admin stuff that you need 95 00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:25,679 Speaker 2: to just get through each day. Then we've got birthday 96 00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:27,520 Speaker 2: parties that we've got a plan and we've got to 97 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:34,040 Speaker 2: organized birthday presence for our extended family, or running the 98 00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:37,599 Speaker 2: Christmas family dinner party or whatever. 99 00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:43,040 Speaker 3: Making sure secret standards are out by late October, all 100 00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:43,800 Speaker 3: that kind of stuff. 101 00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:49,799 Speaker 2: So there's a huge amount of energy that's required, mental 102 00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:53,800 Speaker 2: energy to just get through a single day as a family. 103 00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:55,800 Speaker 3: So I'll confess. So there's a couple of things to 104 00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:57,279 Speaker 3: highlight here for those of you who are new to 105 00:04:57,279 --> 00:05:00,440 Speaker 3: the podcast or don't know Kylie and I, well, I 106 00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:02,520 Speaker 3: guess you say, we're pretty traditional in the way we 107 00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:05,080 Speaker 3: have our families set up. I'm the primary bread winner. 108 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:08,960 Speaker 3: You look after the house and kids, And I'm listening 109 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:10,960 Speaker 3: to what you're saying, and I'm like, okay, well, I reckon. 110 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:14,400 Speaker 3: Most dads that I know certainly carry a fair bit 111 00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:17,480 Speaker 3: of that emotional load, the cognitive load. If the kids 112 00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:20,920 Speaker 3: are upset, sometimes mum's frazzled and they say, go talk 113 00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:23,839 Speaker 3: to your father, and dad sorts it out. You're looking 114 00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:27,160 Speaker 3: at me like as if no, no, seriously, okay. And 115 00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:28,680 Speaker 3: when it comes to the admin, I would say that 116 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:31,080 Speaker 3: in a traditional setup, and even maybe in a less 117 00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:33,160 Speaker 3: traditional setup, it's still going to be the mum who's 118 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:35,080 Speaker 3: going to take care of most of that admin stuff. 119 00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:37,040 Speaker 3: I'm not quite sure how I would do if you 120 00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:37,359 Speaker 3: were to. 121 00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:39,279 Speaker 2: I've got a few questions for you. 122 00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:41,560 Speaker 3: Put you to the test, all right, we'll check that 123 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:43,320 Speaker 3: out in a sec. And when it comes to the 124 00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:46,120 Speaker 3: project work, I reckon, dads are not there, but dad's 125 00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:48,800 Speaker 3: are building stuff in their shed. I'm being again very stereotypical. 126 00:05:48,839 --> 00:05:50,240 Speaker 3: Or they're mowing the lawn and they're doing all the 127 00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:52,479 Speaker 3: outside work, all the big projects, and there's just a 128 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:54,680 Speaker 3: lot to do in a family, and you have to 129 00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:57,600 Speaker 3: split it somehow. I guess the question that you've been 130 00:05:57,640 --> 00:06:01,560 Speaker 3: asked via this podcast listener is how do we do it? 131 00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:03,800 Speaker 3: Or how can it be done? Did you say you're 132 00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:06,719 Speaker 3: going to test me? Yeah, let's find out how I go. 133 00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:08,800 Speaker 3: I reckon, I'm going to go great. I'm confident. I 134 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:10,360 Speaker 3: think that I carry a lot of the cognitive load 135 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:12,440 Speaker 3: in this family, at least at least eighty percent. 136 00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:15,800 Speaker 2: Okay, here we go, maybe not. What days do the 137 00:06:15,839 --> 00:06:16,560 Speaker 2: kids do swimming? 138 00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:22,080 Speaker 3: Lessons that depends. We've got definitely I was going to 139 00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:24,040 Speaker 3: say Friday, but it's not Friday anymore. It's just changed. 140 00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,360 Speaker 3: We've changed swimming lesson days so many times. This is 141 00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:31,440 Speaker 3: not fair, The whole term not fair. Okay, I've got 142 00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:35,240 Speaker 3: to answer it. They do it on it's music lessons 143 00:06:35,279 --> 00:06:37,919 Speaker 3: on Tuesday, so somebody's got a somebody's got a swimming 144 00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:41,360 Speaker 3: lesson on a Wednesday, and then there's definitely sorry on Monday, 145 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:44,120 Speaker 3: and then there's a Wednesday. There's definitely two on Wednesday, 146 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:45,840 Speaker 3: and then there's two on Friday as well. 147 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,120 Speaker 2: Well, you might have got the days right, but I'm 148 00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:49,920 Speaker 2: a little bit nervous about who's going to show up 149 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:52,080 Speaker 2: to swimming lessons by Hey. 150 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:54,039 Speaker 3: Can I just say you sent me to swimming lessons 151 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:56,279 Speaker 3: with children a couple of weeks ago, and I was 152 00:06:56,440 --> 00:06:59,760 Speaker 3: there on time. In fact, I was there two hours early. 153 00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:02,159 Speaker 3: That's how one time I was because you've got a 154 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:05,560 Speaker 3: time wrong. So I just I'm just putting it out 155 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:07,000 Speaker 3: there that I'm doing. 156 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:11,840 Speaker 2: Okay, what great is maybe number five and she's in 157 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:14,280 Speaker 2: grade six and what's her teacher's name? 158 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:18,640 Speaker 3: I have no idea. 159 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:21,920 Speaker 2: How are we celebrating miss six's birthday this year. 160 00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:28,440 Speaker 3: Next question, who cleans the toilet? That's a shared responsibility. 161 00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:32,080 Speaker 3: I definitely do it sometimes, and we have other children 162 00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:34,760 Speaker 3: who also have a responsibility to do it, And I'm 163 00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:36,200 Speaker 3: going to guess that you do it more than anyone. 164 00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:39,240 Speaker 2: Where are the cleaning products kept? 165 00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:42,640 Speaker 3: We keep some cleaning products in various bathrooms. We also 166 00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:44,120 Speaker 3: have some under the kitchen sink, and we have some 167 00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:44,840 Speaker 3: in the laundry. 168 00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:48,400 Speaker 2: How often do the bed sheets get change weekly? Oh, look, 169 00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:50,880 Speaker 2: you're making up for it. Now, what day do the 170 00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:52,160 Speaker 2: bins go out to dr. 171 00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:55,840 Speaker 3: I know this because anybody who's listening to the podcast 172 00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:57,440 Speaker 3: over of the last month knows that I've chased the 173 00:07:57,440 --> 00:08:01,720 Speaker 3: bin truck down the street Thursday more twice this month, 174 00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:04,400 Speaker 3: running down the street with the bins behind me. 175 00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:05,960 Speaker 2: What's for dinner tonight? 176 00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:13,920 Speaker 3: Tonight? Thursday night? It's throwbacks Thursday, and we have a 177 00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:16,840 Speaker 3: we have a meal roster, and I'm sure that if 178 00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:18,720 Speaker 3: I was to look at the roster, I'd find out 179 00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:20,400 Speaker 3: what you'll be cooking for us tonight. 180 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:22,400 Speaker 2: So I guess you also know whether or not we 181 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:24,960 Speaker 2: have the ingredients for dinner tonight. 182 00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:27,280 Speaker 3: No, because I'm in the office and I'm working, but 183 00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:29,200 Speaker 3: have you made your point. 184 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:31,080 Speaker 2: I've made my point. I think I've done a very 185 00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:31,520 Speaker 2: good job. 186 00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:33,880 Speaker 3: But it works because we're in a partnership, right, We've 187 00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:36,000 Speaker 3: got a happy family. Everything's okay. 188 00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:38,640 Speaker 2: Yes, we're all good. 189 00:08:38,679 --> 00:08:39,439 Speaker 3: Okay, We're all good. 190 00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:39,680 Speaker 2: Honey. 191 00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:41,240 Speaker 3: What was the name of the person who asked this question? 192 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:43,040 Speaker 2: Deban asked this question? 193 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:46,360 Speaker 3: Deban, I'm never talking to you again, but. 194 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:49,199 Speaker 2: We have numerous people that have responded as a result 195 00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:51,760 Speaker 2: of her question who all want to know the same thing. 196 00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:53,080 Speaker 3: All right, So what we're going to do is going 197 00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:54,559 Speaker 3: to take a quick break and when we come back, 198 00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:56,920 Speaker 3: let's talk about how we can manage the load and 199 00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:57,880 Speaker 3: how we can share it. 200 00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:00,000 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Famili's. 201 00:08:59,559 --> 00:09:04,120 Speaker 4: Cook Are Screens Creating Tension at Home, Tweens, teens and 202 00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:07,720 Speaker 4: Screens is a webinar to guide families to healthy, safe 203 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:11,920 Speaker 4: superscreen solutions. Bye today at Happy families dot com, dot 204 00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:13,440 Speaker 4: au slash shop. 205 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,600 Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for a time 206 00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:19,520 Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now and today. We 207 00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:20,599 Speaker 2: are having lots. 208 00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:23,880 Speaker 3: Of fun with because you're having fun making me look bad. 209 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:27,400 Speaker 2: With this idea of how to share the cognitive load. 210 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:29,600 Speaker 3: Should I ask you some questions about how I run 211 00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:31,960 Speaker 3: my office, how I look after the staff, what it 212 00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:34,360 Speaker 3: costs to run the business. 213 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:37,079 Speaker 2: I did have a question that I thought you might 214 00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:38,040 Speaker 2: enjoy answering. 215 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:39,760 Speaker 3: Did I cut you off before the end of all 216 00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:41,280 Speaker 3: the questions? No, what was it? 217 00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:43,000 Speaker 2: I was just going to ask if there's enough fuel 218 00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:43,480 Speaker 2: in the car? 219 00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:47,920 Speaker 3: Oh? Yeah, So when was the last time you actually looked? 220 00:09:48,080 --> 00:09:50,480 Speaker 3: I don't know, seriously, the anomther of times that I 221 00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:52,720 Speaker 3: get in the car and look at the fuel gauge 222 00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:55,640 Speaker 3: and it's flashing, I'm like, how many cas have you 223 00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:58,920 Speaker 3: done on flash? And I don't know, I've just been driving. 224 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,400 Speaker 3: Just is the only one that fills up the car 225 00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:04,560 Speaker 3: carrying the I'm carrying the cognitive load of the fuel. 226 00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:06,760 Speaker 3: How do we how do we manage the load? The 227 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:10,240 Speaker 3: question that you were specifically asked by Deban, who I'm 228 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:11,200 Speaker 3: still not talking to. 229 00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:14,120 Speaker 2: Was how do we share it? How does it work 230 00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:14,480 Speaker 2: for us? 231 00:10:14,559 --> 00:10:17,560 Speaker 3: Okay, so what would you what would you say? Is 232 00:10:18,679 --> 00:10:20,160 Speaker 3: something that we do that really works well? 233 00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:22,800 Speaker 2: So I've got a couple of things. You had your 234 00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:25,520 Speaker 2: webinar on Monday night talking about parenting on the same page, 235 00:10:25,559 --> 00:10:27,760 Speaker 2: and I think that that is paramount to us being 236 00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:29,000 Speaker 2: able to share the cognitive lolobe. 237 00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:33,640 Speaker 3: Yeah, whether there's conflict or not. Just parenting requires us 238 00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:35,760 Speaker 3: and running a family requires us to be aligned and 239 00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:39,120 Speaker 3: to be unified and what's the word to correlate and 240 00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:40,000 Speaker 3: coordinate things? 241 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:43,679 Speaker 2: Yeah, and as a mum often I actually don't need 242 00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:47,560 Speaker 2: your physical presence to do things, but I do need 243 00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:50,480 Speaker 2: a sounding board. I do need someone who's invested in 244 00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:53,680 Speaker 2: what's going on in my world or our families world 245 00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:57,600 Speaker 2: to be able to kind of talk through the process. 246 00:10:58,120 --> 00:11:00,840 Speaker 2: You know, if I'm trying to kind of navigate a 247 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:03,640 Speaker 2: Thursday afternoon and I've got four different things that I'm 248 00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:07,199 Speaker 2: supposed to be doing, sometimes it's just great to have 249 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,559 Speaker 2: an extra person in the mix to go. You know what, 250 00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:12,800 Speaker 2: if you do X, Y and Z, it'll actually kind 251 00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:14,120 Speaker 2: of streamline things a lot better. 252 00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:16,680 Speaker 3: But yet I can see how busy you're going to be. 253 00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:18,800 Speaker 3: What about if I try to be flexible on that 254 00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:21,560 Speaker 3: afternoon so that the pressure is off you, which. 255 00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:23,640 Speaker 2: Is great for people who have that flexibility and not 256 00:11:23,679 --> 00:11:27,439 Speaker 2: so great for others. Not everybody can you, but yes, definitely, 257 00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:31,480 Speaker 2: And I think understanding and recognizing that each one of 258 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:36,160 Speaker 2: you carries your own load. Yeah, and it can be 259 00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:39,760 Speaker 2: weighty and heavy for totally different reasons. 260 00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:42,520 Speaker 3: I'm just laughing because I'm thinking, we really do. I 261 00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:45,200 Speaker 3: struggle to answer some of those questions, but that's because 262 00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:48,320 Speaker 3: I'm carrying my own load. In our case, it's not 263 00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:50,240 Speaker 3: that the man isn't carrying any load at all and 264 00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:53,720 Speaker 3: mum's doing it all. I've got my own load and 265 00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:55,959 Speaker 3: stuff to deal with. And that's why we divide the 266 00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:59,040 Speaker 3: labor up, because we just can't carry it all. How 267 00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:01,520 Speaker 3: parents do it as a single pace parents? Honestly, I 268 00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:04,320 Speaker 3: think that it must be the hardest job in the 269 00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:08,480 Speaker 3: world to carry the emotional load, the administrative load, the 270 00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:12,240 Speaker 3: project load. It's just extraordinary. But in our cup of relationship. 271 00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:15,040 Speaker 3: The other thing that really strikes me is every Sunday 272 00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:17,760 Speaker 3: you and I have a meeting. We send the kids 273 00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:19,640 Speaker 3: off to their rooms. They can read, they can draw, 274 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:21,520 Speaker 3: they can color, and they can do whatever it is 275 00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:23,719 Speaker 3: they want to do, and we have about probably an 276 00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:27,800 Speaker 3: hour long coordination meeting and we answer three questions. Number one, 277 00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:29,320 Speaker 3: let's have a look at the week just gone, what 278 00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:32,199 Speaker 3: went well? Number two what didn't go so well? And 279 00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:35,959 Speaker 3: number three, what do you want to focus on this week, 280 00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:40,320 Speaker 3: and just doing that helps us to get alignment, and 281 00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:43,000 Speaker 3: it means that we're carrying the load together because we're 282 00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:45,400 Speaker 3: looking at how things are working out, what needs to 283 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:47,440 Speaker 3: be improved, and what we can do together to fix that. 284 00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:49,680 Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think as we go through that process, 285 00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:53,640 Speaker 2: there's a recognition that, Okay, this is an area that 286 00:12:53,679 --> 00:12:55,800 Speaker 2: I can step up in, or this is an area 287 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:59,559 Speaker 2: where I can step in, and it just makes such 288 00:12:59,559 --> 00:13:02,600 Speaker 2: a difference. And so from there being able to kind 289 00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:05,000 Speaker 2: of go through the week and actually calendar each thing. 290 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:09,000 Speaker 2: So even though you may not physically be a part 291 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:11,880 Speaker 2: of my week, you're aware of what I'm trying to 292 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:14,400 Speaker 2: juggle and what I'm trying to do. And we go 293 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:16,760 Speaker 2: through your week, so even though I'm not in the office, 294 00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:19,480 Speaker 2: I'm aware of what your time restraints are and so 295 00:13:19,559 --> 00:13:22,719 Speaker 2: I have a realistic expectation of what you're capable of 296 00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:24,960 Speaker 2: jumping in and helping me with and what you're not. 297 00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:29,400 Speaker 2: And through that process, there's an ability for us to 298 00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:33,240 Speaker 2: take one another's perspectives and recognize that we're each carrying 299 00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:37,079 Speaker 2: these loads and what we need to do to be 300 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:39,840 Speaker 2: compassionate and helpful with each other. 301 00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:44,760 Speaker 3: Yeah, So the central thing that I think works best 302 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:47,040 Speaker 3: in this process is that as we go through that calendar, 303 00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:48,560 Speaker 3: as we talk about what's going well, as we talk 304 00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:50,480 Speaker 3: about what's not, and then we focus on what we're 305 00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:53,720 Speaker 3: going to do better next week. There's a question that 306 00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:57,520 Speaker 3: we really try to enunciate as often as possible, and 307 00:13:57,520 --> 00:13:59,440 Speaker 3: that is, Okay, it looks busy for you on Thursday, 308 00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:01,640 Speaker 3: how can I have help? It looks like Saturday is 309 00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:03,640 Speaker 3: going to be really tough. How can I help? And 310 00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:06,680 Speaker 3: when we ask that question of one another, when I 311 00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,520 Speaker 3: say to you, how can I help, you're still carrying 312 00:14:08,559 --> 00:14:11,719 Speaker 3: the load because that's in your domain in terms of 313 00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:14,360 Speaker 3: the way we've divided labor, that's in your domain. But 314 00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:17,199 Speaker 3: when I say how can I help, I'm reducing the load. 315 00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:19,200 Speaker 3: It's kind of like the person in the gym. They're 316 00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:21,280 Speaker 3: doing the bench press, they're carrying the load, but the 317 00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:23,560 Speaker 3: person who spots them, when they can see that it's 318 00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:25,560 Speaker 3: hard for them, they say, would you like some help? 319 00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:26,960 Speaker 3: And they put a couple of fingers on that bar 320 00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:29,760 Speaker 3: under the bar and they just lift gently and they're 321 00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:32,920 Speaker 3: taking a little bit of the load, which makes it 322 00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:35,240 Speaker 3: doable for the person who's trying to do the bench press, 323 00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:36,640 Speaker 3: and I think that's what we really want to do 324 00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:41,840 Speaker 3: in our families. Now, there was somebody who asked another question. 325 00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:44,920 Speaker 3: She said, I'm totally on board with this conversation. I 326 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:47,600 Speaker 3: need to be part of it about what happens when 327 00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:51,120 Speaker 3: dad comes home and he's happy to help out with dinner, bath, bed, 328 00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:54,400 Speaker 3: with the children, but not willing to carry any of 329 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:57,200 Speaker 3: the decision making load, not willing to carry any of 330 00:14:57,240 --> 00:15:00,960 Speaker 3: the administrative or project based load, not really even that 331 00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:04,600 Speaker 3: involved with the emotion load. What's the advice there? 332 00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:07,400 Speaker 2: I think this all comes down to perspective taking. If 333 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:10,760 Speaker 2: your husband has an intense workload, where you know he's 334 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:14,200 Speaker 2: got his own cognitive load, then you can understand why 335 00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:17,080 Speaker 2: when he comes home he just wants to chill out. 336 00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:20,400 Speaker 2: That doesn't mean that he actually gets permission. 337 00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:23,800 Speaker 3: I've got a heavy load at work. I do anything. 338 00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:24,560 Speaker 3: It's not how it works. 339 00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:27,880 Speaker 2: But I think that as partners, if we can recognize 340 00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:32,120 Speaker 2: that and actually empathize and sometimes sympathize with them in 341 00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:35,240 Speaker 2: relation to how they're feeling, that we actually have a 342 00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:37,080 Speaker 2: better chance of getting them on the same page. 343 00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:38,960 Speaker 3: Yeah, and then you can have your Sunday meeting and 344 00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:41,920 Speaker 3: say what went well, you were really helpful. What didn't 345 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:43,520 Speaker 3: I need you to help me with some of the 346 00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:45,720 Speaker 3: decisions or some of the admin load, or some of 347 00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:47,720 Speaker 3: this or that, and then what can we do this week? 348 00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:50,600 Speaker 2: Which is why Sundays actually works beautifully because for most 349 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:53,480 Speaker 2: of us we're not pressures off having you know, so 350 00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:56,840 Speaker 2: much pressure around what we're doing, and so it's a 351 00:15:56,920 --> 00:15:59,680 Speaker 2: day where we kind of we can just chill a 352 00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:01,520 Speaker 2: little as we make these decisions. 353 00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:03,800 Speaker 3: Well, there's been a great conversation. I hope, deband that 354 00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:05,920 Speaker 3: that has been helpful for you. Thanks so much for 355 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:08,880 Speaker 3: being in touch. Podcasts at happy families dot com dot you. 356 00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:12,080 Speaker 3: That's podcasts with an s Podcasts at happy families dot 357 00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:13,840 Speaker 3: com dot you. If you've got any questions for us 358 00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:16,000 Speaker 3: to bounce around and try to be helpful with. We 359 00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:17,880 Speaker 3: really hope that you've enjoyed what we've had to share, 360 00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:20,040 Speaker 3: and if you have, we always ask for those ratings 361 00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:21,720 Speaker 3: and reviews to help other people to find out about 362 00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:24,760 Speaker 3: the podcast. Justin Rulan from Bridge Media is our producer 363 00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:27,200 Speaker 3: and Craig Bruce is the executive producer of the Happy 364 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:30,160 Speaker 3: Families podcast. If you'd like more information about how to 365 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:32,200 Speaker 3: make your family happier. You can get it all at 366 00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:33,920 Speaker 3: happy families dot com dot au.