1 00:00:05,800 --> 00:00:08,320 Speaker 1: Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families podcast. I've been thinking 2 00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:11,360 Speaker 1: about a question that might sound strange, but it applies 3 00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:14,000 Speaker 1: to us and it applies to our children. Do you 4 00:00:14,040 --> 00:00:16,680 Speaker 1: feel worthy? Do you feel like your life has purpose? 5 00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:20,800 Speaker 1: Please note I didn't ask are you worthy? That's a given. 6 00:00:21,920 --> 00:00:24,759 Speaker 1: You're human, you have inherent worth, so do your children. 7 00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:27,360 Speaker 1: But the question I'm asking is do you feel worthy? 8 00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:30,159 Speaker 1: Do your children go to bed at night with the 9 00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:33,480 Speaker 1: sense that you lived a life of meaning, that there's 10 00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:38,159 Speaker 1: purpose to what you're doing. Because what I'm noticing consistently 11 00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:40,280 Speaker 1: is that the feedback that I get when I run 12 00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:43,960 Speaker 1: my Raising Resilient Kids presentation, which is the most popular 13 00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:47,400 Speaker 1: presentation that I deliver by a long way, parents are 14 00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:51,600 Speaker 1: desperate for their kids to be resilient, but the kids 15 00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:55,320 Speaker 1: aren't doing the sort of stuff that makes you become resilient, 16 00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:58,200 Speaker 1: the stuff that makes you feel worthy. Again, I emphasize 17 00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:03,080 Speaker 1: the kids are worthy, they don't feel worthwhile they don't 18 00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:07,600 Speaker 1: feel like what they're doing makes them worthy of anything 19 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:09,760 Speaker 1: at all. And I'm starting to think that we've got 20 00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:14,520 Speaker 1: this whole purpose and worthiness and resilience thing backwards. So 21 00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:16,440 Speaker 1: today on the podcast, Kylie and I are going to 22 00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:18,920 Speaker 1: puzzle through a few big ideas that I've been playing 23 00:01:18,959 --> 00:01:24,720 Speaker 1: with around this, like why doing hard things, not comfortable things, 24 00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:29,679 Speaker 1: is the foundation of resilience and well being, and how 25 00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:32,319 Speaker 1: I think that we're accidentally robbing our kids of resilience 26 00:01:32,319 --> 00:01:38,360 Speaker 1: by making life too easy. Stay with us, gooday, Welcome 27 00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:40,720 Speaker 1: to the Happy Families podcast where you get real parenting 28 00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:44,039 Speaker 1: solutions every single day. This is Australia's most downloaded parenting 29 00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:46,480 Speaker 1: podcasts where Justin and Kylie Courson were the parents. Have 30 00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:49,920 Speaker 1: six kids who are surprising us with their resilience now 31 00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:52,640 Speaker 1: and then. Although I will highlight at the outset, resilience 32 00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:56,520 Speaker 1: often does not feel resilient. If you're in the middle 33 00:01:56,560 --> 00:01:59,040 Speaker 1: of it, it can often feel really hard. Kylie. The 34 00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:01,720 Speaker 1: word worthy. I love etymology, I love words. I love 35 00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:03,880 Speaker 1: understanding where they come from. The word worthy comes from 36 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:06,080 Speaker 1: the Old English word. And I'm probably going to get 37 00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:09,000 Speaker 1: this wrong, but it's we your pig. We are pick? 38 00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:09,720 Speaker 1: Does that sound right? 39 00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:13,320 Speaker 2: Well, we're a big I'm reading, yes. 40 00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,079 Speaker 1: We o. It's sort of a P. But it's a 41 00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:17,640 Speaker 1: funny p because it's Old English and I'm not sure 42 00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:20,120 Speaker 1: if it really is a peek I know, but worthy 43 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:22,359 Speaker 1: comes from it, we got a pig. Is that Old 44 00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:24,760 Speaker 1: English that sounded a bit ivish. I don't even know 45 00:02:24,760 --> 00:02:27,280 Speaker 1: if that sounded irish. I apologize to anyone who's Irish 46 00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:29,920 Speaker 1: who's listening. But what it means in the Old English 47 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:33,440 Speaker 1: is having value or deserving of honor. And quite often 48 00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:36,919 Speaker 1: when we talk about kids not doing well, what I've 49 00:02:36,919 --> 00:02:39,640 Speaker 1: been thinking is, if you're laying on your bed scrolling TikTok, 50 00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:41,240 Speaker 1: then you haven't done anything that's going to make you 51 00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:44,720 Speaker 1: feel like it has value or is deserving of honor, 52 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:47,640 Speaker 1: and therefore you will not feel worthy. You are. You 53 00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:50,600 Speaker 1: are inherently as a human you are worthy, but the 54 00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:55,360 Speaker 1: feeling of worth is different from the actual actuality of 55 00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:59,520 Speaker 1: being a human who has inherent intrinsic worth and value. 56 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,880 Speaker 2: I think at the core of it, it comes down 57 00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:05,400 Speaker 2: to each of us living a life of purpose. When 58 00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:09,280 Speaker 2: we feel like we're engaged in a worthy cause, whatever 59 00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:13,079 Speaker 2: that looks like, when we feel like we're using our 60 00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:16,919 Speaker 2: gifts and talents to make a difference in the world, 61 00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:20,600 Speaker 2: there's this sense of worthiness. 62 00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:22,680 Speaker 1: So this is why I want to have this conversation 63 00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:23,960 Speaker 1: with you, because I feel like we need to even 64 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:26,800 Speaker 1: bash that around a little bit. When you say to 65 00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:30,040 Speaker 1: an eight year old or a fifteen year old, what's 66 00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:33,440 Speaker 1: the contribution you're making to the world, or what's your 67 00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:36,800 Speaker 1: purpose as you've just highlighted, they just kind of look 68 00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:40,880 Speaker 1: at you and go, huh, sorry, way too big. Don't 69 00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:43,280 Speaker 1: have any comprehension of what you're talking about my purpose? 70 00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:45,440 Speaker 1: I don't know. Just give me my phone back, right, 71 00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:47,360 Speaker 1: I just want to stare at my iPad on my laptop. 72 00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:52,200 Speaker 1: And so here's this tension. You are worthy, your children 73 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:55,920 Speaker 1: are worthy, and that's a given. But worth is not 74 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:59,280 Speaker 1: just that you are worthy. The feeling of worthiness comes 75 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:02,720 Speaker 1: from what you do. It comes from living in alignment 76 00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:05,080 Speaker 1: with your values, from contributing, from doing things that matter. 77 00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:07,120 Speaker 1: And also often when we talk about this whole thing 78 00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:10,320 Speaker 1: about purpose and meaning, their eyes glaze over. They're like, 79 00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:12,600 Speaker 1: I don't know I even talk to adults about it. 80 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,600 Speaker 1: I feel like my life is so purposeful, right, I 81 00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:16,960 Speaker 1: get to go around the country and spend my days 82 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:19,600 Speaker 1: talking to people about the most important thing in their lives. 83 00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:22,440 Speaker 1: How do I make my family happier? That is so 84 00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:26,320 Speaker 1: meaningful and it gives me, It gives me so much purpose. 85 00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:28,640 Speaker 1: I feel like I'm genuinely making a contribution in the world. 86 00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:30,480 Speaker 1: But I talked to a lot of adults who go, well, 87 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:33,400 Speaker 1: I'm not because I'm selling real estate. That's what somebody 88 00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:36,640 Speaker 1: told me. Just recently, somebody else said, I don't feel 89 00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:39,279 Speaker 1: like I'm making any difference. I'm just driving a truck. 90 00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:42,800 Speaker 1: I literally spoke to someone who said, I drive from 91 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:46,159 Speaker 1: the quarry to whatever the location is and I tip 92 00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:48,919 Speaker 1: stuff out of my truck and that's it. Like, where's 93 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:51,320 Speaker 1: the purpose in that. I'm just living from paycheck to 94 00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:54,080 Speaker 1: paycheck and doing my thing. And so this conversation is 95 00:04:55,680 --> 00:05:01,320 Speaker 1: really really hard to talk about and say, well, hang on, 96 00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:03,600 Speaker 1: how do you get to feel worthy? 97 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:05,560 Speaker 2: But it doesn't come down to our job. 98 00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:09,360 Speaker 1: That's right, But too many people hear it and that's 99 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:09,920 Speaker 1: where they go. 100 00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:13,480 Speaker 2: It really is about who we are. So the conversations 101 00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:15,960 Speaker 2: we have around the dinner table with our kids, we 102 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:19,360 Speaker 2: talk a lot about gratitude, but there are oftentimes where 103 00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:21,279 Speaker 2: we tapped into who did you help today? 104 00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:23,640 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, or what did you do that showed determination 105 00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:25,600 Speaker 1: and persistence in the face of adversity. 106 00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:30,080 Speaker 2: And the thing is, we're not celebrating these massive achievements. 107 00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:34,440 Speaker 2: We're celebrating that we took something off the top shelf 108 00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:37,240 Speaker 2: for an old lady who couldn't reach the item that 109 00:05:37,279 --> 00:05:40,680 Speaker 2: she was looking for, or taking the time to help 110 00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:42,680 Speaker 2: somebody across the road because they were struggling. 111 00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:44,560 Speaker 1: Oh can I virtue signal a bit and show everyone 112 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:47,120 Speaker 1: how full of character and goodness I am and how 113 00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:49,320 Speaker 1: worthy I am. I went and bought some prawns for 114 00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:50,800 Speaker 1: dinner the other night. While I was there, I thought, 115 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:54,960 Speaker 1: I went to the proper seafood job here at the 116 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:58,160 Speaker 1: lalla above I just love and they had oysters and 117 00:05:58,200 --> 00:05:59,839 Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I'm going to grab a dozen oysters. 118 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:02,360 Speaker 1: They only charged me for the prawns. They didn't charge 119 00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:04,000 Speaker 1: me for the oysters. But I didn't realize that until 120 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:05,120 Speaker 1: I was walking to the car, and then I thought, 121 00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:07,720 Speaker 1: I buy a lot of stuff here, like, surely I 122 00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:09,320 Speaker 1: can have a dozen oysters for free. And then I 123 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:12,320 Speaker 1: was just like, is my integrity worth more than thirty dollars? 124 00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:14,599 Speaker 1: I think it is. So I went back in and 125 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:16,680 Speaker 1: I said, can you just double check? I'm pretty sure 126 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:19,440 Speaker 1: you didn't charge me unless I did two transactions without noticing. 127 00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:21,320 Speaker 1: And she checked and she's like, no, I didn't. And 128 00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:23,320 Speaker 1: then she was like that was so unusual. But I 129 00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,560 Speaker 1: did something that was hard, and I did something that 130 00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:28,799 Speaker 1: required some character, and I did something that was meaningful 131 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:31,120 Speaker 1: and made a difference. And yeah, it cost me an 132 00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:32,640 Speaker 1: extra thirty bucks, but I walked out of there and 133 00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:34,680 Speaker 1: I felt a million dollars even though I just spent 134 00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:37,400 Speaker 1: an extra thirty dollars, And I just this is the thing, right, 135 00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:39,599 Speaker 1: If you never do anything worthwhile, if all you do 136 00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:41,400 Speaker 1: is lay on the living room carpet and stare at 137 00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:43,360 Speaker 1: a screen, which is what too many kids are doing. 138 00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:45,240 Speaker 1: If you never struggle, if you never contribute, if you 139 00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:48,280 Speaker 1: never pushed past your limitations, then you're not going to 140 00:06:48,279 --> 00:06:50,080 Speaker 1: feel worthy. Regardless of the fact that you are worthy 141 00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:52,880 Speaker 1: as a human, you're not going to feel worthy. And 142 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:57,760 Speaker 1: if you don't feel worthy, you're going to become an anxious, 143 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:02,000 Speaker 1: fragile person. You're going to feel like there's a little 144 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:03,360 Speaker 1: bit of an issue there. 145 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:06,480 Speaker 2: Do you have any data to support this idea? 146 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:09,479 Speaker 1: There are a couple of different places that I could 147 00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:14,360 Speaker 1: go for this. The first is the research distinguished between 148 00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:17,480 Speaker 1: two kinds of happiness. There's hedonic happiness and there's you 149 00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:23,000 Speaker 1: dimonic happiness. The idea of hedonic happiness is avoid pain. 150 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,640 Speaker 2: I think that's what most of us want right seek pleasure. 151 00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:27,520 Speaker 1: We're looking, we're. 152 00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:31,040 Speaker 2: Looking for the feel good hormones sick in and they 153 00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:32,120 Speaker 2: require nothing. 154 00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:35,680 Speaker 1: He Donic happiness is the Instagram reels. He Donic happiness 155 00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:38,720 Speaker 1: is the battle of ice cream in front of the TV. 156 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:41,960 Speaker 1: He dontic happiness is hanging around with friends and just 157 00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:45,600 Speaker 1: having a fun conversation. He Donic happiness is letting someone 158 00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:50,000 Speaker 1: else do the dishes. That's hedonic happiness. You. Domonic happiness 159 00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:57,480 Speaker 1: is meaning and purpose and growth. It's it's hard in 160 00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:01,080 Speaker 1: the moment, but it endures, whereas he donnic happiness fades fast. 161 00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:02,920 Speaker 1: I'll give you a really concrete example. One of my 162 00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:06,040 Speaker 1: one of my friends in the US who's a professor 163 00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:09,040 Speaker 1: of psychology at George Mason University's named professor Todd Kashton. 164 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:12,240 Speaker 1: He uses the example, you can make a cake and 165 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:15,640 Speaker 1: eat it. That's here donic happiness, and so you wait 166 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:17,240 Speaker 1: too much of it, of course, but let's go with 167 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:20,240 Speaker 1: that's here donic happiness, but the feeling fades fast. Or 168 00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:22,600 Speaker 1: you can bake a cake and then go and knock 169 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:25,520 Speaker 1: on the door of a friend or somebody that you'd 170 00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:28,000 Speaker 1: like to be friends with and say hey, I made 171 00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:29,800 Speaker 1: you this, and then you can go in and eat 172 00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:33,160 Speaker 1: it together. And that's you don't monic happiness. It's harder. 173 00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:36,199 Speaker 1: It requires you to do something that could be potentially uncomfortable. 174 00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:39,440 Speaker 1: It takes time and effort, it requires more of you, 175 00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:42,880 Speaker 1: but it creates meaning and purpose and that's that's the 176 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:46,200 Speaker 1: key difference. So if I was to you said, what's 177 00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:49,240 Speaker 1: the data show, I want to bring that data, that 178 00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:53,040 Speaker 1: theory back into real life for a sec. I think, 179 00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:55,040 Speaker 1: and this this is a very broad brush. I know 180 00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:57,960 Speaker 1: it doesn't apply to everybody, but I think that we're 181 00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:02,360 Speaker 1: raising our kids on a hedonic diet, and I reckon 182 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,520 Speaker 1: you could probably give me some really easy examples of 183 00:09:04,559 --> 00:09:06,640 Speaker 1: how that works without even thinking about it. 184 00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:10,040 Speaker 2: I think the biggest one that comes to me is 185 00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:14,640 Speaker 2: the kids say I'm bored. Yep, we hand them a 186 00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:16,800 Speaker 2: screen because we don't have to deal with it then. 187 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:18,679 Speaker 1: Or if we don't have them as screen, we just say, well, 188 00:09:18,679 --> 00:09:20,720 Speaker 1: i'll fix it for you, and we find them something 189 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:23,360 Speaker 1: to do. And that thing that we give them to do, 190 00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:26,839 Speaker 1: it doesn't ever require anything of them. Right. Well, every 191 00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:28,319 Speaker 1: now and again, some presis will say, well, there's a 192 00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:29,760 Speaker 1: car to be washed. There's a lot to be mote. 193 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:32,080 Speaker 1: There's some dishes in the thing, but usually it's like, well, 194 00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:34,400 Speaker 1: let me find an activity that you will find pleasurable 195 00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:38,520 Speaker 1: and delightful and will require very little of you. Can 196 00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:40,600 Speaker 1: you think of any other ways that we're raising kids 197 00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:43,719 Speaker 1: on a on a hedonic pathway. 198 00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:47,000 Speaker 2: When we kind of bribe them, we call it rewards, 199 00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:49,960 Speaker 2: but in essence we're bribing them. We want them to 200 00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:52,440 Speaker 2: do something hard and they don't see any point in it, 201 00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:54,680 Speaker 2: and so we sugarcoat so we. 202 00:09:54,679 --> 00:09:58,000 Speaker 1: Could do this and you get that yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, perfect, 203 00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:01,320 Speaker 1: And then of course we wonder why they're maybe not 204 00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:04,280 Speaker 1: feeling worthy. Again, they are worthy, but they're not doing 205 00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:07,959 Speaker 1: hard things, or they're doing them for purposes and reasons 206 00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:09,480 Speaker 1: that aren't working for them. 207 00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:11,920 Speaker 2: They have struggles in their relationships and we want to 208 00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:12,560 Speaker 2: fix everything. 209 00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:14,440 Speaker 1: For what we send the email through to the school 210 00:10:14,559 --> 00:10:17,320 Speaker 1: and say, well, we need to fix this. Yeah, so 211 00:10:17,880 --> 00:10:22,079 Speaker 1: comfort again, comfort doesn't build resilient struggle does. The other 212 00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:24,080 Speaker 1: bit of data that I wanted to go to. There's 213 00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:27,920 Speaker 1: a theorist, a psychologist me hih Chick sent me high 214 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:31,120 Speaker 1: and he studied flow and peak experiences, and what he 215 00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:35,720 Speaker 1: found is that the moments when people feel most alive 216 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:40,520 Speaker 1: and most fulfilled and most engaged at the times when 217 00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:45,080 Speaker 1: they are being stretched just beyond their current ability. So 218 00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:49,040 Speaker 1: it's not too easy, it's not too hard, but it 219 00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:52,360 Speaker 1: is just hard enough to not be just right. You 220 00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:55,920 Speaker 1: know how Goldilocks is the not too hot, not too cold, 221 00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:58,440 Speaker 1: but just right. What Chick sent me high. He's not 222 00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:00,440 Speaker 1: looking for just right. He's saying, I want it to 223 00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:03,200 Speaker 1: be too hard, but not too too hard, just that 224 00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:04,560 Speaker 1: little bit beyond what. 225 00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:09,839 Speaker 2: We set a goal. And if we set something achievable, 226 00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:14,839 Speaker 2: then there isn't too much effort needed to be put 227 00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:17,400 Speaker 2: into it so that we can achieve it. But if 228 00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:19,920 Speaker 2: we then add on just that little bit more of 229 00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:22,800 Speaker 2: a stretch. So say, my goal is i want to 230 00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:24,960 Speaker 2: save one hundred dollars, and I've worked out that if 231 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:27,200 Speaker 2: I put two dollars fifty away each week for however 232 00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:29,280 Speaker 2: many weeks, and I'm going to get there. And it's 233 00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:31,160 Speaker 2: not a stretch at all for me to do it. 234 00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:34,600 Speaker 2: It's just a goal. But I decide that I actually 235 00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:37,199 Speaker 2: want to double that, and now I'm going to try 236 00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:40,079 Speaker 2: and put away five dollars a week. That is a 237 00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:42,720 Speaker 2: stretch because I actually need that extra two dollars fifty 238 00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:44,240 Speaker 2: in my everyday life. 239 00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:45,480 Speaker 1: But then how good does it feed? 240 00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:48,720 Speaker 2: But I'm choosing you two will go that extra. 241 00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:50,600 Speaker 1: Two dollars and when you achieve it, and you achieve 242 00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:52,880 Speaker 1: it in half the time, you just feel so good. 243 00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:55,559 Speaker 1: And that's where the growth happens. That's where you feel 244 00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:58,959 Speaker 1: worthy again. You are worthy, but feeling worthy comes from 245 00:11:59,000 --> 00:11:59,680 Speaker 1: our actions. 246 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:04,439 Speaker 2: Every four weeks in the gym, we change our exercise 247 00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:08,439 Speaker 2: routine up, and every time we do it, I kind 248 00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:10,880 Speaker 2: of look at you and go, there is no way, 249 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,120 Speaker 2: there is no way I can. 250 00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:15,679 Speaker 1: Do that, and then four weeks down the track smashing 251 00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:16,080 Speaker 1: it out. 252 00:12:16,559 --> 00:12:18,839 Speaker 2: Well, on day one, I can't do it. Oh, I 253 00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:20,160 Speaker 2: actually can't do it. 254 00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:22,320 Speaker 1: I've got a quote. We need to take a break. 255 00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:23,880 Speaker 1: But after the break, I want to talk about what 256 00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:25,880 Speaker 1: this means for parents, because we've got to be able 257 00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:27,560 Speaker 1: to pull this together. But you've said that, and I've 258 00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:31,720 Speaker 1: just remembered a really powerful quote that sums up exactly 259 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:33,959 Speaker 1: what's at the core of all of this. I want 260 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:37,320 Speaker 1: to share that next because it's so inspiring, and some 261 00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:40,160 Speaker 1: practical tips for what we can do to help our 262 00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:42,520 Speaker 1: kids to be more resilient and to take on struggle 263 00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:45,520 Speaker 1: when they're not that keen on doing anything hard. Stay 264 00:12:45,559 --> 00:12:55,360 Speaker 1: with us, We're back. This is The Happy Family's podcast. 265 00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:57,480 Speaker 1: We really hope that you're enjoying the conversation about helping 266 00:12:57,520 --> 00:13:01,160 Speaker 1: to raise resilient kids. Before the break, I'm quote. It 267 00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:03,800 Speaker 1: comes from the poet rain a realk Reoky. I don't 268 00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:07,000 Speaker 1: know if it's a realk or a Realkie Rilk who 269 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:10,760 Speaker 1: said this, we grow by being defeated by greater and 270 00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:14,040 Speaker 1: greater things, not by winning, not by succeeding, but by 271 00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:18,400 Speaker 1: being defeated. We grow by being defeated. And when I 272 00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:21,880 Speaker 1: read that quote just a few weeks ago, my brain exploded. 273 00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:24,439 Speaker 1: It's a completely different framing to how we normally look 274 00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:27,760 Speaker 1: at the challenges that we face in life. But your 275 00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:32,120 Speaker 1: gym experience, our gym experience is precisely that. I was 276 00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:34,000 Speaker 1: watching a video of me the other day because the 277 00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:36,120 Speaker 1: trainer took a video of me doing push ups. And 278 00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:38,840 Speaker 1: this was back the very first day we were in 279 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:42,280 Speaker 1: the gym. Trainer said, let's get some baseline measurements and 280 00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:44,720 Speaker 1: just see where you're up to, and he just wanted 281 00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:47,080 Speaker 1: me to do push ups until I was exhausted, until 282 00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:49,520 Speaker 1: I couldn't do anymore until I collapsed. And I won't 283 00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:51,280 Speaker 1: say how many I did, but it wasn't very many. 284 00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:54,600 Speaker 1: And after I watched it, I jumped straight down onto 285 00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:58,559 Speaker 1: the floor and I pumped out more than like probably 286 00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:01,439 Speaker 1: about triple the push up without even trying, without even 287 00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:03,200 Speaker 1: breaking a sweat, and I just thought, oh, my goodness, 288 00:14:03,559 --> 00:14:05,920 Speaker 1: I was defeated by that many push ups eight or 289 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:09,080 Speaker 1: ten weeks ago. But over the last eight or ten weeks, 290 00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:11,840 Speaker 1: I've been defeated and defeated and defeated again, and each 291 00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:14,800 Speaker 1: time I've learned how to defeat what defeated me. So 292 00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:17,960 Speaker 1: therefore I've taken on the next challenge. And that's what 293 00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:21,160 Speaker 1: you're highlighting with your gym experience. But we also experience 294 00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:23,080 Speaker 1: it with the kids, and we want our kids to 295 00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:25,400 Speaker 1: have those same experiences, because that's where the growth is, 296 00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:26,600 Speaker 1: the meaning is the purposes. 297 00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:28,840 Speaker 2: And I think sometimes we get caught up in the 298 00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:33,040 Speaker 2: fact that we think resilience means that we never fall, 299 00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:39,440 Speaker 2: Resilient means that we're strong, we're capable, But resilience is 300 00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:45,400 Speaker 2: actually the act of falling down and picking ourselves up again. 301 00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:47,840 Speaker 1: You can't be right and time again. You can't be 302 00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:52,040 Speaker 1: resilient if you don't fall like there's no indication that 303 00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:54,680 Speaker 1: you are resilient if you don't have those failures, if 304 00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:55,720 Speaker 1: you don't have those collapses. 305 00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:59,520 Speaker 2: You have to experience it in order to be able 306 00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:02,800 Speaker 2: to push pass the challenge. You've got to actually push 307 00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:03,320 Speaker 2: past it. 308 00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:07,080 Speaker 1: You need dragons to slay. You need dragons to slay. 309 00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:10,360 Speaker 1: Our kids need dragons to slay. I love this, And 310 00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:11,880 Speaker 1: to go back to what you said before, I don't 311 00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:13,320 Speaker 1: want to rehash it too much because we've still got 312 00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:15,000 Speaker 1: a couple of things that definitely need to be touched on. 313 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:18,080 Speaker 1: But as parents, we keep on seeing these dragons come 314 00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:19,480 Speaker 1: up in our kids' lives and we think it's our 315 00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:21,640 Speaker 1: job to slay the dragon. And so, like I said, 316 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:23,920 Speaker 1: we send the email to the school because they're dealing 317 00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:25,520 Speaker 1: with some social conflict and we feel like we've got 318 00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:28,160 Speaker 1: to step in and solve it. Or they're failing, and 319 00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:31,400 Speaker 1: so we blame the teacher, or they're bored, and we 320 00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:35,320 Speaker 1: entertain them, like you said, and we keep on stealing 321 00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:39,040 Speaker 1: their dragons, and when we do that, we rob them 322 00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:42,920 Speaker 1: of the very struggles that make them strong. We grow 323 00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:47,440 Speaker 1: by being defeated by greater and greater things. 324 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:52,200 Speaker 2: You've got a book on yourself called The Road to 325 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:53,240 Speaker 2: Building Character. 326 00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:55,360 Speaker 1: The Road to Character David Brooks. 327 00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:57,520 Speaker 2: By David Brooks. That's right, yea, And I found a 328 00:15:57,600 --> 00:16:00,800 Speaker 2: quote in there that says, the central drama of life 329 00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:04,520 Speaker 2: is the struggle against your own weakness. 330 00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:09,080 Speaker 1: I feel like we're really going into some awesome territory today. 331 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:09,960 Speaker 1: I love this quote. 332 00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:13,479 Speaker 2: It's not struggle against other people, it's not a competition 333 00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:16,800 Speaker 2: for a status or achievement. It's actually the struggle against 334 00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:18,640 Speaker 2: our own limitations. 335 00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:21,200 Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, and that's the resulance we're trying to build 336 00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:21,720 Speaker 1: our kids. 337 00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:26,200 Speaker 2: Yeah. Can you do the hard thing when the easy 338 00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:29,440 Speaker 2: thing is right there? Can you choose to do hard? Yeah? 339 00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:31,320 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah yeah. So can you go and do the 340 00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:33,520 Speaker 1: chores when you've got your screen in your hand? 341 00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:36,960 Speaker 2: Well yeah, But if we go back to the gym, 342 00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:38,840 Speaker 2: a new exercise is presented. 343 00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:40,520 Speaker 1: I feel like we need a gym podcast. 344 00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:47,080 Speaker 2: A new exercise is presented, and without even thinking about it, 345 00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:49,880 Speaker 2: my body and I assume lots of other bodies do 346 00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:53,760 Speaker 2: the same thing, finds the easiest way to achieve it, 347 00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:58,000 Speaker 2: not necessarily the right way. Yeah, it finds the easiest 348 00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:00,000 Speaker 2: pathway to get to the end of result. 349 00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:01,800 Speaker 1: So we've got to rewire our brain to do the 350 00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:04,200 Speaker 1: exercise with the right technique because that's where the growth comes. 351 00:17:04,359 --> 00:17:08,399 Speaker 1: Yeah yeah. Otherwise, where what's the word we're pulling? 352 00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:10,760 Speaker 2: We're compensating, We're over compensating. 353 00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:13,840 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love that. This is a bit personal. 354 00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:15,199 Speaker 1: I don't know if you're okay with this or not, 355 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:19,280 Speaker 1: but there's something that you we have a religious background. 356 00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:23,360 Speaker 1: There's something that you say in your prayer each day 357 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:25,359 Speaker 1: that I'd love for you to share because I feel 358 00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:27,880 Speaker 1: like it really sits neatly with what we're talking about here. 359 00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:31,080 Speaker 2: It's been a big year of change for me and 360 00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:38,760 Speaker 2: in mindset and struggling with keeping commitments to myself has 361 00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:41,200 Speaker 2: been a really big thing. And I end up kind 362 00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:44,239 Speaker 2: of falling off the bandwagon so many times because I 363 00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:47,520 Speaker 2: feel like I'm just a failure. And so this year 364 00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:51,680 Speaker 2: I want things to be different. And the one prayer 365 00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:55,640 Speaker 2: that I have offered more times this year than ever 366 00:17:55,680 --> 00:18:02,440 Speaker 2: before is give me greater capacity to honor the commitments 367 00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:03,400 Speaker 2: I've made to myself. 368 00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:04,399 Speaker 1: Yeah, So that's character. 369 00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:08,360 Speaker 2: This is not about anybody else. It's literally about honoring 370 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:12,760 Speaker 2: those commitments that I am desirous to achieve in my 371 00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:17,240 Speaker 2: own life, but often fall away because it's hard. Yeah, 372 00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:18,920 Speaker 2: what I'm doing is hard. 373 00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:22,600 Speaker 1: Speaking of commitments that we've made, I've made a commitment 374 00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:27,399 Speaker 1: to keep this podcast short. How you going not well today? 375 00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:29,800 Speaker 1: I just feel like this is such an important conversation. 376 00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:32,320 Speaker 1: But let's get really practical and wrap it up and 377 00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:35,600 Speaker 1: give some ideas to help parents guide their kids to 378 00:18:36,119 --> 00:18:38,600 Speaker 1: make commitments that they fully endorse and value and then 379 00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:40,840 Speaker 1: be keep those commitments. And we need to do it 380 00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:43,400 Speaker 1: ourselves as well. Right, this is something that is This 381 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:45,560 Speaker 1: is not just about helping the kids to be resilient 382 00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:47,440 Speaker 1: as adults. We're all trying to do this as well. 383 00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:49,840 Speaker 1: We're all fighting these same battles. I'd love to run 384 00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:51,159 Speaker 1: through a couple of things that we can do to 385 00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:54,680 Speaker 1: help our kids do it. The first thing I think 386 00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:58,360 Speaker 1: is that we need to let them choose hard things, 387 00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:01,199 Speaker 1: like have a conversation about what are you doing that 388 00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:03,280 Speaker 1: makes you feel worthy? You are worthy, We love you 389 00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:05,080 Speaker 1: no matter what. You could lay on your bed for 390 00:19:05,119 --> 00:19:07,040 Speaker 1: the rest of your life and scroll TikTok and Instagram 391 00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:08,600 Speaker 1: and we would still love you. You could play Red Blocks 392 00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:10,879 Speaker 1: and Fortnite Forever. Well, still love you, but you're not 393 00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:13,080 Speaker 1: going to feel good about yourself because you're not doing 394 00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:15,640 Speaker 1: anything meaningful or purposeful, and you're not doing anything hard. 395 00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:18,800 Speaker 1: You're not struggling, you're not growing, and life feels better 396 00:19:18,840 --> 00:19:21,119 Speaker 1: when you do those things, and we want to support 397 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:25,400 Speaker 1: you there. So what matters to you and whether it's 398 00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:28,880 Speaker 1: going to the gym, riding your bike with friends, learning 399 00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:30,720 Speaker 1: how to surf, learning how to skate and drop into 400 00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:34,680 Speaker 1: a bowl, learning how to whatever. Your kids might look 401 00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:36,560 Speaker 1: at your blanklet and say, I don't know at which 402 00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:38,399 Speaker 1: point you say, well, let's try some stuff. 403 00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:41,960 Speaker 2: So could you change the word from worthy to what 404 00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:42,800 Speaker 2: lights you up? 405 00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:46,600 Speaker 1: Of course? Yeah? Where can we have productive struggle? Where 406 00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:51,239 Speaker 1: can we do hard fun those two concepts? Where can 407 00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:56,360 Speaker 1: we experience distress and frustration? But because we value the activity, 408 00:19:56,440 --> 00:19:58,200 Speaker 1: or we value the people with so much that we're 409 00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:01,480 Speaker 1: willing to sit through through and tolerate the distress and 410 00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:03,320 Speaker 1: frustration because that's going to help us to grow and 411 00:20:03,359 --> 00:20:05,600 Speaker 1: learn and become more confident. It might be a musical instrument, 412 00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:07,560 Speaker 1: it could be a sport, could be art or drama. 413 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:11,080 Speaker 1: It might be academic work. Doesn't really matter what it is, 414 00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:13,479 Speaker 1: what can you do that's going to turn itself into 415 00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:16,359 Speaker 1: productive struggle. The more voice your kids have in that 416 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:18,320 Speaker 1: the better. If they look at your struggle their shoulders 417 00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:22,119 Speaker 1: and say MnOH, then the great task is to say, well, 418 00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:27,119 Speaker 1: let's start experimenting, which brings me my second suggestion, and 419 00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:30,000 Speaker 1: that is that we've got to remember, and we've been 420 00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:32,840 Speaker 1: really hammering this on the podcast for the last couple 421 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:37,240 Speaker 1: of months. Resilience is relational. You just you do more, 422 00:20:38,119 --> 00:20:41,880 Speaker 1: you struggle harder, you push through tougher things when you've 423 00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:44,600 Speaker 1: got somebody by your side who is a supporting you 424 00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:47,480 Speaker 1: or be doing it with you. So if the kids 425 00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:49,159 Speaker 1: want to play a sport, or want to play an instrument, 426 00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:51,600 Speaker 1: or want whatever it is, let's say they're playing instrument, 427 00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:54,040 Speaker 1: get them into a band, Get them to team up 428 00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:55,640 Speaker 1: with a couple of people and start writing their own 429 00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:59,600 Speaker 1: music or start playing music together. Because once they start 430 00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:01,920 Speaker 1: doing it together, they form that commitment and they will 431 00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:04,879 Speaker 1: figure out that eight bars that they just couldn't work 432 00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:06,000 Speaker 1: out because they're going to have to play it in 433 00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:11,280 Speaker 1: front of somebody. The productive struggle is there. Resilience is relational. 434 00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:13,240 Speaker 2: What's number three? 435 00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:16,000 Speaker 1: I don't actually have a checklist. I'm not sure, but 436 00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:17,960 Speaker 1: if I was going to say a third thing, I'm 437 00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:21,760 Speaker 1: just free willing here, but we need The third thing 438 00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:25,040 Speaker 1: that I would say is let them struggle, like when 439 00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:27,560 Speaker 1: they're having a hard time. Don't say while I'm here 440 00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:30,119 Speaker 1: to slay this dragon for you. I would even use 441 00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:31,639 Speaker 1: the word. We've never done this in our family, but 442 00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:33,200 Speaker 1: I'm thinking about it right now. I think we should 443 00:21:33,320 --> 00:21:35,000 Speaker 1: use the word. We always talk about how you've got 444 00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:36,760 Speaker 1: to love the hills. The hills make it strong. But 445 00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:38,560 Speaker 1: I'm wondering if we should start talking about how there 446 00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:41,920 Speaker 1: are dragons and we could slay them for them by 447 00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:44,000 Speaker 1: doing the job, or we can give the kids the 448 00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:48,360 Speaker 1: tools and the supports is relational to slay their own dragons. 449 00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:51,160 Speaker 2: At the moment, our fifteen year old is waking up 450 00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:56,320 Speaker 2: at three point fifteen three so that she can start 451 00:21:56,359 --> 00:21:59,560 Speaker 2: at work at four o'clock. The other morning, she sent 452 00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:01,840 Speaker 2: me a tech and I could tell she was pretty emotional, 453 00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:04,600 Speaker 2: and she said, Mum, can you please bring me some towels, 454 00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:09,800 Speaker 2: some dry clothes, and some emotional support and a hug. 455 00:22:10,119 --> 00:22:14,119 Speaker 2: I need some emotional support. And I just Number one, 456 00:22:14,119 --> 00:22:16,919 Speaker 2: I loved that she was able to articulate that, and 457 00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:19,879 Speaker 2: she came home and she just held me. She didn't 458 00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:22,320 Speaker 2: say I hate this, I can't do it anymore, it's 459 00:22:22,359 --> 00:22:24,760 Speaker 2: all too hard. She just needed a hug, She needed 460 00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:27,040 Speaker 2: to have a cry. She went out of sleep, and 461 00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:28,359 Speaker 2: she got up and she was ready to do it 462 00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:29,520 Speaker 2: again the next day, and she. 463 00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:31,320 Speaker 1: Has done for the last couple of weeks. Yeah. Yeah, 464 00:22:31,359 --> 00:22:34,199 Speaker 1: resilience is relational. Let them choose the hard things that 465 00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:36,040 Speaker 1: are important to them and let them have that productive 466 00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:38,480 Speaker 1: struggle and don't rescue them. Okay, we need to wrap 467 00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:40,639 Speaker 1: this up. Let me do a quick summary. Here's the 468 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:41,000 Speaker 1: thing I. 469 00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:42,360 Speaker 2: Think you've missed the most important. Oh. 470 00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:44,399 Speaker 1: I know, well, we're out of time, but tell me anyway. 471 00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:46,840 Speaker 2: Our kids need to see us doing hard things. 472 00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:47,760 Speaker 1: Yeah. 473 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,679 Speaker 2: Yes, we can't tell them that they've got to go 474 00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:52,639 Speaker 2: out and slay these dragons and do hard things if 475 00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:54,800 Speaker 2: we're not willing to do it. Yeah, and if we 476 00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:59,320 Speaker 2: find the easy way around everything, then why would they 477 00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:00,440 Speaker 2: not do the same. 478 00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:02,560 Speaker 1: Oh, we're starting the week with a banger. 479 00:23:05,520 --> 00:23:08,280 Speaker 2: I'm watching what's happening for me in the gym, and 480 00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:12,000 Speaker 2: how our kids one by one without us saying you 481 00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:13,680 Speaker 2: need to get off your bottom. You need to move 482 00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:18,040 Speaker 2: your bodies one by one. They are making decisions that 483 00:23:18,119 --> 00:23:21,679 Speaker 2: are pushing and stretching them, not because we've dragged them along, 484 00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:24,600 Speaker 2: but because they're seeing the change that it's having in 485 00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:27,639 Speaker 2: me and they want to do something that feels good. 486 00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:29,399 Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, And if I go back to that New 487 00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:31,320 Speaker 1: Zealand holiday that we had last year when we did 488 00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:34,359 Speaker 1: that Central Rail trail through our targo, one hundred and 489 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:37,920 Speaker 1: fifty k's four days, headwinds, rain hill. 490 00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:40,080 Speaker 2: Panic attacks, anxiety. 491 00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:43,800 Speaker 1: I'm not right, the bike, he knows is the whole thing, 492 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:45,520 Speaker 1: and then at the end of it, they said, can 493 00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:47,359 Speaker 1: we do this again? We've realized that we can do 494 00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:52,080 Speaker 1: hard things, and doing hard things makes life worthwhile. Damn Okay, 495 00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:54,639 Speaker 1: let's call it there, because this could turn into a 496 00:23:54,640 --> 00:23:56,600 Speaker 1: one hour podcast if we're not careful, and our time 497 00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:58,560 Speaker 1: is well and truly done, and we want to keep 498 00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:01,400 Speaker 1: our commitment to you because you to spend time listening 499 00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:03,880 Speaker 1: to what we're talking about. So we really appreciate that. 500 00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:06,359 Speaker 1: We hope that this has been a really valuable discussion. 501 00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:10,280 Speaker 1: I want to underscore the key points I think they matter. 502 00:24:10,440 --> 00:24:15,760 Speaker 1: Number One, your child is worthy inherently unconditionally by virtue 503 00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:18,040 Speaker 1: of them being a human in your home. They are 504 00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:21,840 Speaker 1: worthy and they need to feel that. However, if they 505 00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:25,239 Speaker 1: want to feel worthy, if they're going to grow up 506 00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:29,359 Speaker 1: with a deep sense of purpose and meaning and resilience 507 00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:32,800 Speaker 1: and well being, they need to do hard things. Not 508 00:24:32,880 --> 00:24:35,040 Speaker 1: because their worth depends on it. They need to do 509 00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:38,720 Speaker 1: hard things because the feeling of worth comes from living 510 00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:45,200 Speaker 1: a life that's aligned with values and contribution, contributing to 511 00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:47,680 Speaker 1: something mean, if it was something bigger than self. David 512 00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:50,560 Speaker 1: Brooks love this quote, Kylie. I'm so glad you pulled 513 00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:52,359 Speaker 1: this one out. The central drama of life is a 514 00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:56,720 Speaker 1: struggle against your own weakness. Real key, we grow by 515 00:24:56,960 --> 00:25:02,320 Speaker 1: being defeated by greater and greater things. Kylie, I love 516 00:25:02,359 --> 00:25:04,639 Speaker 1: what you said. Give me the capacity to one of 517 00:25:04,680 --> 00:25:07,719 Speaker 1: the commitments I've made to myself. This is resilience. I'm 518 00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:10,760 Speaker 1: feeling inspired. I'm ready for a big week. So this 519 00:25:10,880 --> 00:25:13,479 Speaker 1: week our challenge for you, find one place where you've 520 00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:15,840 Speaker 1: been rescuing your child from struggle and step back, not 521 00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:20,320 Speaker 1: because it's easy for you and not because it's easy 522 00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:23,960 Speaker 1: for them, But let them face the dragon, not because 523 00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:26,960 Speaker 1: you don't love them, but because you do. The Happy 524 00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:29,800 Speaker 1: Family's podcasts is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. 525 00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:33,320 Speaker 1: Mim Hammond's provides admin and additional support, and if you'd 526 00:25:33,359 --> 00:25:36,560 Speaker 1: like more about making your child more resilient, especially your 527 00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:40,560 Speaker 1: ADHD child, check out our Parenting ADHD course available now 528 00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:48,120 Speaker 1: at Happy families dot com dot We'll see it tomorrow