WEBVTT - S06E06 - Delve deeper into... Trauma and Its Manifestation 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:03.199 A reaction that can make you feel out of body 0:00:03.320 --> 0:00:06.000 or not yourself, make you feel like a little kid, 0:00:06.600 --> 0:00:07.920 a fight or flight. 0:00:08.360 --> 0:00:12.280 It literally is instinctual, primal. I feel like you have 0:00:12.280 --> 0:00:15.360 to get to a huge level of work to realize 0:00:15.400 --> 0:00:18.079 you're having a trauma response when you're having the trauma response. 0:00:18.280 --> 0:00:20.680 Obviously Mom passed away when I was younger, so then 0:00:21.000 --> 0:00:23.639 I didn't have the softness of a mother when I 0:00:23.680 --> 0:00:24.880 had my own child. 0:00:25.000 --> 0:00:29.680 We are a traumatized nation and people, and I think 0:00:29.800 --> 0:00:32.760 just black people in general not traumatized in a lot 0:00:32.800 --> 0:00:57.240 of ways. Mom always always be careful. Hi, I'm Amanda 0:00:57.480 --> 0:00:58.320 and I'm Rumby. 0:00:59.160 --> 0:01:01.120 Welcome to Slayered podcast. 0:01:01.360 --> 0:01:04.399 We're part of the Black Past Network, part by iHeart 0:01:04.440 --> 0:01:07.600 and as you may already know, we're recording a live 0:01:07.760 --> 0:01:09.400 in studio here in Melbourne. 0:01:09.720 --> 0:01:13.479 Yeah Bittersweet Studios. Such a beautiful setup today done by 0:01:13.680 --> 0:01:17.759 Pink Lady Picnics. Is so grateful to be in this 0:01:17.959 --> 0:01:20.520 welcoming safe space. 0:01:20.720 --> 0:01:24.040 Shout out to Maggie behind the camera. Yes, it's been 0:01:24.080 --> 0:01:28.959 holding us down to so black women or black powered 0:01:29.680 --> 0:01:33.360 female owned businesses doing the thing and that's why we're 0:01:33.400 --> 0:01:33.920 so excited. 0:01:34.000 --> 0:01:36.360 Yes, so so, especially when you want to talk about 0:01:36.440 --> 0:01:42.080 something really vulnerable like tuma. I feel like the people 0:01:42.160 --> 0:01:45.160 you're around, people that surround you, the space you're in 0:01:46.240 --> 0:01:51.240 is very very important for such like vulnerable conversation. 0:01:50.840 --> 0:01:54.640 Absolutely and to feel like you you don't need to 0:01:55.440 --> 0:01:57.560 mince your words or like you know, you can just 0:01:57.600 --> 0:02:01.200 be who you are. This great. So, yeah, we're talking 0:02:01.200 --> 0:02:06.160 about trauma and its manifestation in our lives. How does 0:02:07.200 --> 0:02:11.760 personal trauma manifest in your life? Do you feel? Have 0:02:11.800 --> 0:02:14.000 you clocked it, stay triggered? 0:02:15.520 --> 0:02:18.560 You know what this is? I guess therapy speech right 0:02:18.720 --> 0:02:22.480 where you don't know what trauma. You know what trauma is, 0:02:22.760 --> 0:02:25.760 but sometimes you might even recognize you're going through it 0:02:25.800 --> 0:02:29.400 all that it's manifest in other parts of your life. 0:02:30.000 --> 0:02:34.000 You think I'm fine, Especially as Black women, we'remen to 0:02:34.040 --> 0:02:37.640 be strong and have it all together. And I think 0:02:37.840 --> 0:02:41.040 our generation is really beginning to question that if are 0:02:41.040 --> 0:02:42.680 we's from do we have it all together? 0:02:43.000 --> 0:02:43.519 Not at all? 0:02:43.639 --> 0:02:46.400 Doesn't it manifest in other ways and creep up in 0:02:46.800 --> 0:02:48.000 ways you don't expect? 0:02:48.480 --> 0:02:52.240 I think it's definitely. Yeah, you're coping, so you think 0:02:52.360 --> 0:02:55.080 this is not It's happened to me many times. I'm fine, 0:02:55.120 --> 0:02:58.280 I'm not affected, I'm not emotional. I'm not and then 0:02:58.560 --> 0:03:02.840 it's like, actually, it's it's affected. So it's so true 0:03:03.080 --> 0:03:05.400 and sometimes you don't realize it, and only after the 0:03:05.400 --> 0:03:06.639 fact you realize that. 0:03:07.720 --> 0:03:09.480 But when you go back to the scene of the crime, 0:03:10.440 --> 0:03:12.960 like when you return home, you will spend a lot 0:03:12.960 --> 0:03:16.240 of time with family, and then you realize, oh, have 0:03:16.360 --> 0:03:21.600 I not healed and coped? I've just avoided yes, yo, 0:03:21.680 --> 0:03:25.440 go on, So what is let's maybe define trauma because 0:03:25.480 --> 0:03:31.000 as you said, it's therapy speak, and we'll hear trauma, trauma, trauma, trigger, trigger, triggered, 0:03:31.080 --> 0:03:32.720 you know, trauma response. 0:03:33.760 --> 0:03:35.720 How would you define trauma for me? 0:03:35.920 --> 0:03:40.560 Personally? It's something that you would have gone through seeing 0:03:40.960 --> 0:03:46.840 being a part of that's not the norm, yeah, or 0:03:46.920 --> 0:03:53.600 healthy or healthy norm, and you find or are fourthd 0:03:53.600 --> 0:04:00.880 to find ways to live with it. Yes, yeah, So say, okay, 0:04:01.040 --> 0:04:05.000 you went through that, now what? Yes, you know you 0:04:05.040 --> 0:04:08.880 went through that whole huge thing, now what? And a 0:04:08.880 --> 0:04:10.760 lot of people, a lot of people just sweep it 0:04:10.800 --> 0:04:12.320 under the rug and then that's when it starts to 0:04:12.360 --> 0:04:15.360 manifest and come out and they get triggered by everything. 0:04:15.680 --> 0:04:17.960 And a lot of people are nowadays are beginning to 0:04:18.000 --> 0:04:21.080 address it and actually go back that in a child, yes, 0:04:21.200 --> 0:04:23.720 all the way back to their childhood. I mean what 0:04:23.760 --> 0:04:24.480 about for you? 0:04:24.880 --> 0:04:29.320 I think trauma is for me, painful experiences that you 0:04:29.960 --> 0:04:34.960 have in your life, whether in childhood through to yesterday today, whatever, 0:04:35.600 --> 0:04:43.240 that affect your nervous system, that instill a reaction that 0:04:43.279 --> 0:04:45.760 can make you feel out of body or not yourself, 0:04:46.360 --> 0:04:49.560 make you feel like a little kid, fight or flight, 0:04:49.880 --> 0:04:54.359 You freeze ads where you spiral and maybe start thinking 0:04:54.400 --> 0:04:58.080 worst case scenarios all over. So I really feel like 0:04:58.400 --> 0:05:02.760 trauma is that it's like it creates this reaction in 0:05:02.800 --> 0:05:07.640 you that is not where you feel uns your baseline 0:05:07.800 --> 0:05:13.479 essentially and yeah, unsafe, and you feel like violated or vulnerable. 0:05:14.040 --> 0:05:17.120 And then there are ripple effects there where you may 0:05:18.040 --> 0:05:21.440 cope as a manicet in in in different ways, whether 0:05:21.560 --> 0:05:26.080 it's being sweeping under the rug or maybe now anytime 0:05:26.200 --> 0:05:28.120 you someone speaks to you in a certain way, you're 0:05:28.160 --> 0:05:30.719 like ready to like take you back, to take you back, 0:05:30.839 --> 0:05:33.080 or if you start fighting and like, oh, don't talk 0:05:33.120 --> 0:05:34.919 to me like that, you know. So that's how I 0:05:34.960 --> 0:05:35.320 see it. 0:05:35.400 --> 0:05:38.640 Yeah, Yeah, And obviously you can manifest in different ways 0:05:39.240 --> 0:05:43.120 like the physical you can actually literally feel sick reliving 0:05:43.200 --> 0:05:48.440 the moment or you know, dealing with the consequences of 0:05:48.480 --> 0:05:51.320 that moment, the traumatic event. Yes, you know. It can 0:05:51.360 --> 0:05:55.719 be emotional where you're like literally an emotional wreck, panic attacks, 0:05:55.760 --> 0:05:59.039 all that stuff where you're like, I can't I can't 0:05:59.120 --> 0:06:00.320 get past this. 0:06:00.600 --> 0:06:05.279 Yes, yeah, for sure, And I think doctor I've said 0:06:05.279 --> 0:06:08.440 this before. I think on a TikTok around he speaks 0:06:08.440 --> 0:06:13.080 about a lot of sort of autoimmune diseases are prevalent 0:06:13.240 --> 0:06:17.920 in women because what happens when you experience trauma and 0:06:17.960 --> 0:06:21.440 you excuse me, when you don't address it and don't 0:06:21.480 --> 0:06:25.200 deal with it, it then manifests physically in the form of 0:06:25.440 --> 0:06:29.800 autoimmune diseases, and your body is almost like saying this 0:06:29.920 --> 0:06:33.159 is not okay. But sometimes when you suppress that, then 0:06:33.480 --> 0:06:36.760 you become ill and cancer and all these kinds of things. 0:06:37.160 --> 0:06:40.839 And then of course, emotionally is like maybe you're off kilter, 0:06:41.680 --> 0:06:46.960 maybe you start being defensive, maybe you become a lot 0:06:47.400 --> 0:06:50.720 over emotional, you don't know how to regulate. All of 0:06:50.760 --> 0:06:53.560 a sudden, you're just like in tears when a second ago, 0:06:53.720 --> 0:06:54.719 so so many way. 0:06:54.680 --> 0:06:57.160 Yeah, and behavioral right, lots of people will like do 0:06:57.360 --> 0:06:59.800 actions that don't make sense, and then you realize, oh, 0:07:00.240 --> 0:07:03.240 it's for them, that's their flight or flight freeze or 0:07:03.279 --> 0:07:04.280 for my response. 0:07:04.520 --> 0:07:05.400 Yes exactly. 0:07:06.080 --> 0:07:11.400 I feel like sometimes we do it subconsciously and also 0:07:11.480 --> 0:07:14.160 sometimes I feel like we can suppress it for years 0:07:14.960 --> 0:07:16.920 and then you think and then it can just all 0:07:16.960 --> 0:07:18.480 come back back again, which is what I was saying 0:07:18.480 --> 0:07:19.920 when you go back to the scene of the crime. 0:07:20.000 --> 0:07:21.880 Because you can be away from home for like six 0:07:21.920 --> 0:07:25.760 seven years and never feel any which way triggered, and 0:07:25.800 --> 0:07:28.120 then the moment you land, something happens, or you see 0:07:28.120 --> 0:07:32.000 someone or you you know some people PTSD all that stuff. 0:07:32.120 --> 0:07:35.640 You know, it's yes, And when we think about triggers, 0:07:35.840 --> 0:07:40.680 I think we're saying it's like something happens that your 0:07:41.200 --> 0:07:44.440 reference goes back to that moment, that moment of pain 0:07:44.640 --> 0:07:47.920 or whatever you experience, and then you act out of character, yeah, 0:07:48.360 --> 0:07:52.320 or you start behaving a certain way, yeah, because it's 0:07:52.400 --> 0:07:54.200 taking you to that. So you're trying to either protect 0:07:54.240 --> 0:07:57.760 yourself from not being hurt again, yeah, or does that 0:07:57.800 --> 0:07:58.560 make sense. 0:07:58.400 --> 0:08:01.000 That or you try to even do it sometimes even differently, 0:08:01.080 --> 0:08:03.960 like had you done this, this would have been so 0:08:04.000 --> 0:08:08.160 then now you over extend that response because then you're like, 0:08:08.160 --> 0:08:09.880 oh no, no, it's not exactly you said. It's not gonna 0:08:09.880 --> 0:08:12.960 happen to me again, can't happen to me again? And 0:08:13.000 --> 0:08:16.920 then example just shut down completely. I mean as a 0:08:17.000 --> 0:08:21.320 people being Zimbabwean, people ask us about our economy and 0:08:21.600 --> 0:08:27.119 you know, being dictatorship. But those some of the stuff 0:08:27.120 --> 0:08:30.840 that happened during that time was very traumatic. 0:08:30.720 --> 0:08:36.800 Very very very traumatized nation and people, and I think 0:08:36.920 --> 0:08:39.880 just black people in general are traumatized in a lot 0:08:39.920 --> 0:08:43.920 of ways. But do you feel like traumas trivialized? 0:08:44.720 --> 0:08:48.200 Certainly because it's just that notion that oh, who doesn't 0:08:48.200 --> 0:08:51.960 have issues or who doesn't have we all got paid. Yeah, 0:08:52.080 --> 0:08:56.280 like we're not gonna all, you know, cry about it 0:08:56.400 --> 0:08:57.640 or you know what I mean like this, I feel 0:08:57.679 --> 0:09:00.679 like people just and also don't. But I don't think 0:09:00.720 --> 0:09:03.840 people want to be stuck there. So the only feeling 0:09:03.920 --> 0:09:05.599 is Okay, I don't want to sit and moan and 0:09:05.640 --> 0:09:08.560 grown up about this, so let's move on, you know. 0:09:08.720 --> 0:09:14.040 So then you know, stuff, some stuff becomes unspoken about. 0:09:14.320 --> 0:09:16.920 You know, oh, we already dealt with that. Now we're 0:09:16.960 --> 0:09:19.200 onto the next thing. You know, have we really but 0:09:19.240 --> 0:09:22.240 we haven't. More often than we have not because sometimes 0:09:22.280 --> 0:09:25.400 when you you fight with your African parents and they 0:09:25.400 --> 0:09:27.000 bring up something they used to do as a kid, 0:09:27.040 --> 0:09:33.520 they're like, whoa talk about your inner child lug? You know. 0:09:33.800 --> 0:09:40.640 And I think our story as black people, people of color, Africans, Zimbabweans, 0:09:40.679 --> 0:09:43.959 we can go on women. I think there's a lot 0:09:44.000 --> 0:09:46.440 of things we've had to fight if you think about 0:09:46.480 --> 0:09:50.400 women in general, like the right to vote, the right 0:09:50.600 --> 0:09:54.000 to you know, our own bodies, the right Then you 0:09:54.080 --> 0:09:58.320 go like slavery, then you go colonization, then you go 0:09:59.080 --> 0:10:03.400 like for or economic empowerment, so many things you constantly 0:10:03.440 --> 0:10:06.080 have to fight for. So, as you rightly said, we've 0:10:06.240 --> 0:10:09.120 all suffered. So it's like, so what now we have 0:10:09.200 --> 0:10:12.000 to go? That's how I think we've survived. Yeah, it's 0:10:12.240 --> 0:10:16.240 just you keep survival mode. Yeah, literally, otherwise we do. 0:10:16.480 --> 0:10:18.160 You don't have time, like even when you think about 0:10:18.160 --> 0:10:20.480 it now bringing it into our context now people who 0:10:20.480 --> 0:10:23.760 are living in war tone areas, or you don't have 0:10:23.800 --> 0:10:26.160 time to be like, ah, what did happen last week? 0:10:26.480 --> 0:10:29.800 Living for today for the now service. So I feel 0:10:29.840 --> 0:10:34.000 like sometimes we as a people, we are stuck there 0:10:34.040 --> 0:10:37.480 and we're still living in such a way and I 0:10:37.520 --> 0:10:39.839 know this season where like about soft life and leaning 0:10:39.840 --> 0:10:44.200 into a feminine, but definitely our masculine is right up 0:10:44.240 --> 0:10:47.880 there because we've had to dig deep and do things 0:10:47.920 --> 0:10:50.840 that are you know, to make things work, and for 0:10:50.920 --> 0:10:52.560 so long. And when you do that for so long 0:10:52.559 --> 0:10:57.120 and that's all you know to unpack that, it's a lot. 0:10:57.240 --> 0:10:57.840 It's a lot. 0:10:58.000 --> 0:11:00.520 And sometimes I find for me it manners first. And 0:11:01.080 --> 0:11:03.640 even when I don't need to be the fighter yeah 0:11:03.720 --> 0:11:06.560 or strong's I'm already in that, and it's like you 0:11:06.720 --> 0:11:10.240 have to take note that no someone wants to help me, 0:11:10.480 --> 0:11:10.800 or I. 0:11:10.920 --> 0:11:13.000 Don't have to trusting someone else. 0:11:13.000 --> 0:11:15.760 Trusting someone else, So then it's like you're constantly having 0:11:15.800 --> 0:11:19.600 to check yourself that Okay, you don't need to fight this. Yeah. 0:11:19.600 --> 0:11:23.400 Why do you think Zimbabwans especially have unresolved trauma? 0:11:24.679 --> 0:11:27.559 I think, as I alluded to, like when you've been 0:11:27.600 --> 0:11:29.760 colonized and then you have to go through a war 0:11:29.920 --> 0:11:33.320 to like liberate yourself as a country. So you've seen 0:11:33.360 --> 0:11:36.600 a lot, right, So there's that aspect. Then the world 0:11:36.640 --> 0:11:39.120 opens up to you and you're like, okay, now we 0:11:39.200 --> 0:11:43.319 have our freedom. But I don't think talking about trauma 0:11:43.440 --> 0:11:45.800 or mental health was a thing back in the eighties 0:11:45.840 --> 0:11:48.280 when we were liberated. So then ow it was like 0:11:48.360 --> 0:11:51.640 get on with this economic freedom, so to speak. And 0:11:51.679 --> 0:11:56.559 then obviously we know what happened, you know with farm 0:11:56.760 --> 0:12:00.960 invasions and so on and so forth, and theymy spiraling 0:12:01.000 --> 0:12:05.280 as a result, and political issues and all these things. 0:12:05.520 --> 0:12:07.400 So things have just started coming at us from all 0:12:07.440 --> 0:12:11.040 angles and losing you know, wealth overnight or you know, 0:12:11.480 --> 0:12:14.920 investments overnight, and then just trying to make ends meet. 0:12:15.200 --> 0:12:17.640 Then you're trying to just make sure your children are educated, 0:12:18.400 --> 0:12:22.360 You're trying to start air life somewhere. You all these things, 0:12:22.360 --> 0:12:26.200 so literally it just survive. You need to survive, go go. 0:12:26.679 --> 0:12:29.960 There's no time because if you sit in it, you'll 0:12:30.000 --> 0:12:34.680 never get out of it, right. And then there's other 0:12:34.760 --> 0:12:38.640 aspects socially, right, like domestic violence we've spoken about before. 0:12:39.000 --> 0:12:41.640 There's the patriarchy side of things where what I say 0:12:41.720 --> 0:12:44.120 goes no matter how you feel, how you're suffering in 0:12:44.120 --> 0:12:50.880 this context, abuse, emotional, financial abuses, rife because of the economy, 0:12:51.280 --> 0:12:54.800 So there's all these things that are just like blowing up. 0:12:54.880 --> 0:12:57.640 And then on a global scale, like I've about war 0:12:58.200 --> 0:13:02.679 and you know it, then a phobia and tensions between 0:13:02.880 --> 0:13:06.839 nations and it's a lot. So when you're just trying 0:13:06.840 --> 0:13:09.160 to navigate that, I think sometimes people are like, why 0:13:09.200 --> 0:13:11.280 do I need to suddenly figure out my emotions here? 0:13:11.559 --> 0:13:12.400 We keep it moving. 0:13:12.520 --> 0:13:14.760 Yeah, yeah, and you don't want to kick us kicking 0:13:14.800 --> 0:13:18.800 up dust. Right, stuff is settled or seemingly settled, and 0:13:18.840 --> 0:13:21.760 you don't want to be the one who's like, people are, 0:13:21.760 --> 0:13:23.439 come on, man, now in twenty twenty five, why I 0:13:23.520 --> 0:13:26.760 bring up things from like twenty years ago. But I 0:13:26.800 --> 0:13:29.080 think that's the only way it can be resolved, like 0:13:29.200 --> 0:13:32.480 going back and actually, and also I think for Zimbabweans 0:13:32.520 --> 0:13:37.199 in particular, it's like like for us, we both said, 0:13:37.520 --> 0:13:39.320 you know, we left zim and then now we're trying 0:13:39.320 --> 0:13:41.959 to deal with childhood trauma or whatever, but we also 0:13:41.960 --> 0:13:45.320 have a soft landing place after because all these things 0:13:45.360 --> 0:13:47.160 are brought up to the surface and then it's like 0:13:47.200 --> 0:13:49.440 you need to start dealing with them, right, and then 0:13:49.480 --> 0:13:52.760 the space you're now in needs to support that past 0:13:52.840 --> 0:13:55.360 trauma for you to be able to deal. So I 0:13:55.400 --> 0:13:58.679 feel like Zimbabwans don't still feel safe yet at all, 0:13:58.880 --> 0:14:01.000 so then it's like, well, as long as they're unsafe, 0:14:01.040 --> 0:14:03.719 then they have to say survive a mode because they 0:14:03.720 --> 0:14:07.040 can't be soft and and furl and open and let 0:14:07.120 --> 0:14:10.760 you in, because then that leaves them vulnerable, right because 0:14:10.760 --> 0:14:14.000 the space they're still in is still doesn't support them 0:14:14.040 --> 0:14:14.840 being said. 0:14:15.040 --> 0:14:18.199 You know, it begs the question I'm going to ask you. 0:14:18.559 --> 0:14:21.720 As the season we've been about the soft girl era 0:14:22.000 --> 0:14:29.960 and like celebrating our soft side? Are we lucky and 0:14:30.040 --> 0:14:32.640 privilege that we even tend to have that for sure? 0:14:32.880 --> 0:14:36.200 And the guilt associated that, Okay, we get to have this. 0:14:36.560 --> 0:14:38.960 And this is another thing where social media gets very 0:14:38.960 --> 0:14:41.960 tricky is that you know, you see other people living 0:14:42.040 --> 0:14:45.200 the soft you know, jet setting, what what, and there's 0:14:45.240 --> 0:14:49.360 other people who have a completely different experience of it, 0:14:50.320 --> 0:14:53.240 and it's saying it's possible and we also want that. 0:14:53.440 --> 0:14:55.200 I don't think people are sitting there suffering saying I 0:14:55.240 --> 0:14:58.120 don't want a good life or a soft life, but 0:14:58.160 --> 0:15:01.720 their privilege of well, it is it's definitely very privileged. 0:15:01.800 --> 0:15:03.920 I mean, even having this conversation right now in this 0:15:04.000 --> 0:15:07.080 beautiful setting, it's a privileged space, a safe space, but 0:15:07.160 --> 0:15:10.640 it is it only does come with access and privilege. Yes, 0:15:10.960 --> 0:15:13.040 you know, I'm sure girls in Zimbabwe would love to 0:15:13.040 --> 0:15:15.600 swop with us right now in a rearly second, right, 0:15:15.720 --> 0:15:16.160 But then. 0:15:16.040 --> 0:15:17.480 It's like that's not reality. 0:15:19.720 --> 0:15:21.720 And I think sometimes you have to keep checking yourself 0:15:21.760 --> 0:15:25.440 and say, like, yes, life is harder because you know, 0:15:25.640 --> 0:15:28.040 even when you're living away from home, you have to 0:15:28.080 --> 0:15:31.800 work twice three times as hard to get half as much. 0:15:32.440 --> 0:15:36.560 But sometimes taking stock and saying, oh, at least I've 0:15:36.600 --> 0:15:38.880 gotten to do this, and I've gotten and the space 0:15:38.960 --> 0:15:45.680 is safe. Exactly exactly how does trauma affect our relationships 0:15:46.480 --> 0:15:51.400 and self like relationship with self and with others as 0:15:51.400 --> 0:15:52.240 a result. 0:15:52.000 --> 0:15:57.320 Like it per me, it's in you, everything doesn't like I. 0:15:57.320 --> 0:16:00.200 I mean, we just talked about having kids on not 0:16:00.240 --> 0:16:03.120 having kids and a lot of people's birth stories of 0:16:03.160 --> 0:16:05.960 how they bring these kids into the world. I filled 0:16:05.960 --> 0:16:10.720 with trauma and for my own personal journey, I obviously 0:16:10.720 --> 0:16:12.800 my mom passed away when I was younger, so then 0:16:13.080 --> 0:16:16.640 I didn't have the softness of a mother when I 0:16:16.680 --> 0:16:19.880 had my own child. You know, I love seeing those 0:16:19.920 --> 0:16:23.480 tiktoks when like they're like, oh, you know, my my 0:16:23.560 --> 0:16:25.480 mom was excited about the kid, but she also has 0:16:25.480 --> 0:16:27.600 her own baby who just had a baby. You know, 0:16:27.720 --> 0:16:29.440 you see the mom rushing in and like trying to 0:16:29.480 --> 0:16:33.480 like touch the daughter and the grandchild is another thought, 0:16:33.840 --> 0:16:35.960 which is beautiful for me to see, right, But then 0:16:35.960 --> 0:16:39.760 I obviously didn't get to experience that where it's like, okay, 0:16:39.760 --> 0:16:43.680 from birth, I'm already still just solo, and obviously you 0:16:43.680 --> 0:16:45.560 try to find your own ways. My cousin came over 0:16:45.640 --> 0:16:49.400 to help me, but it's not the same and she 0:16:49.480 --> 0:16:51.360 wasn't trying to take up that role, which is fine, 0:16:51.400 --> 0:16:54.440 but like it just makes you think, oh my gosh, 0:16:54.440 --> 0:16:58.760 it's gone through such a traumatic event and further trauma 0:16:58.840 --> 0:17:01.680 of not having the right person or the person I 0:17:01.720 --> 0:17:05.119 think is right to support me through. So I feel 0:17:05.160 --> 0:17:08.639 like it's just one of those things where it's it 0:17:08.840 --> 0:17:10.679 keeps coming up, right, the fact that I lost my 0:17:10.720 --> 0:17:11.960 mom young. I lost my mom, and it is a 0:17:12.000 --> 0:17:15.639 traumatic thing and it's not something you can just be like, 0:17:15.640 --> 0:17:17.720 oh yeah, I've done with it now. It will always 0:17:17.840 --> 0:17:20.720 but not always be moments. But I think now the 0:17:20.800 --> 0:17:23.679 key is how do you deal with it? You know, 0:17:23.720 --> 0:17:26.280 you can sit there and wallow, of course, and some 0:17:26.400 --> 0:17:29.000 days you need it, you need to have that ca 0:17:29.080 --> 0:17:31.840 tactic feeling of crying it all out. But some days 0:17:31.840 --> 0:17:33.840 you just realize you know what, at least I could 0:17:33.880 --> 0:17:36.439 still have been my cousin here. At least a roomby 0:17:36.480 --> 0:17:38.640 could come over, you know, at least you know too, 0:17:38.720 --> 0:17:42.760 could come over and help me. I have a supportive partner, like, so, 0:17:42.800 --> 0:17:46.160 it's one of those things where you you let yourself 0:17:46.200 --> 0:17:49.159 go there, but then you also let yourself be kind 0:17:49.280 --> 0:17:52.720 to yourself. Well it does. It does permeate into everything, 0:17:52.840 --> 0:17:55.040 you know, and that's why therapy also comes in clurks, 0:17:56.000 --> 0:17:57.480 but also therapy, as you said, is. 0:17:57.480 --> 0:18:03.159 A privileged face privilege. I think trauma shows up in 0:18:04.280 --> 0:18:09.679 how you relate in relationships like partnership, friendship. Like for me, 0:18:09.760 --> 0:18:14.480 sometimes I'm like, if I'm going through a challenging especially 0:18:14.480 --> 0:18:16.439 with friends, I'm like, well I can move on, Like 0:18:16.480 --> 0:18:19.560 I don't. I'm quick to just like shut off. And 0:18:19.600 --> 0:18:21.680 I think that is a trauma response. 0:18:21.280 --> 0:18:25.080 Right, yeah, I won't be hurt, so I'll just shut 0:18:25.359 --> 0:18:25.920 I'll be fine. 0:18:25.920 --> 0:18:28.880 I don't mean anybody anyway, you know. So you see 0:18:28.880 --> 0:18:31.640 that and you have to actively work on like, Okay, 0:18:31.800 --> 0:18:35.760 let's how do we move through this in this relationship. 0:18:36.320 --> 0:18:39.400 I think it shows up in sometimes not letting your 0:18:39.400 --> 0:18:42.600 guard down. I think for a long time, I don't 0:18:42.600 --> 0:18:45.879 trust men. Yeah, And I mean men don't make it 0:18:45.960 --> 0:18:48.359 easy for us to trust them. I'm just like, not 0:18:48.400 --> 0:18:50.320 all men, you know, I think they're the oposite. I 0:18:50.320 --> 0:18:55.199 think there's some sort of you know, but aside from that, 0:18:55.440 --> 0:18:59.240 like learning to allow yourself to be loved, for someone 0:18:59.280 --> 0:19:02.680 to be gentle with you, and not expect the worst always, 0:19:02.720 --> 0:19:04.400 Like I think you start thinking all the way, oh 0:19:04.520 --> 0:19:07.680 you're gon' turn now, Okay, this is gonna switch up now, 0:19:08.320 --> 0:19:11.280 which is very sad. Yeah, but it is a trauma 0:19:11.320 --> 0:19:15.360 response because I think how many aunts and relatives, mothers, 0:19:15.600 --> 0:19:19.400 cousins did we see growing up going through some really 0:19:19.440 --> 0:19:23.320 traumatic relationships where you're like, why do people get married? 0:19:23.520 --> 0:19:26.760 Why do people try and have partners or children together? 0:19:28.560 --> 0:19:32.440 So a lot of and learning has to be done 0:19:32.680 --> 0:19:36.240 and consuming different content, Like I think sometimes the negative 0:19:36.320 --> 0:19:39.119 is always so prevalent, and then the good is not 0:19:39.320 --> 0:19:44.520 always to the surface, and we don't shine a light 0:19:44.560 --> 0:19:49.040 on it enough. But you know, there's I really thinking, 0:19:49.200 --> 0:19:52.400 there's a scale all the time. There's negative and there's positive, 0:19:52.600 --> 0:19:54.920 and you really have to seek out the positive to help. 0:19:55.080 --> 0:19:58.240 Yeah, And I feel like trauma is mainly sometimes the 0:19:58.240 --> 0:20:03.280 trauma response rather reflection because in the moment, you just 0:20:03.320 --> 0:20:07.439 like it literally is instinctual, primal. I feel like you 0:20:07.440 --> 0:20:09.760 have to get to a huge level of work to 0:20:10.160 --> 0:20:12.560 realize you're having a trauma response. When you're having the 0:20:12.600 --> 0:20:15.159 trauma response, usually a lot of times that's when you 0:20:15.240 --> 0:20:18.480 have to get comfortable with apologizing. So the apologies to 0:20:18.520 --> 0:20:21.959 your friends when you're like, do something like out of character, 0:20:22.400 --> 0:20:24.840 then you're like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. You 0:20:24.880 --> 0:20:27.159 know this space I'm in or this reminded me of 0:20:27.200 --> 0:20:29.320 this and that. So I feel like it's also having 0:20:29.840 --> 0:20:32.800 safe people around you that you know, you don't have 0:20:32.840 --> 0:20:35.240 to explain yourself to every single person you meet. But 0:20:35.320 --> 0:20:37.960 sometimes when you do something that's really especially when it's 0:20:37.960 --> 0:20:42.280 in the negative and like shouting at people, raising your voice, 0:20:42.320 --> 0:20:44.760 all these kinds of things which might also end up 0:20:44.800 --> 0:20:49.320 triggering someone else, we have to always reflect and bring 0:20:49.320 --> 0:20:54.200 ourselves back and find explanation and then also find ways 0:20:54.200 --> 0:20:59.159 of coping. Yes, because you don't exist healthy. Yeah, you 0:20:59.200 --> 0:21:00.760 can't just shout it every and sorry. 0:21:02.520 --> 0:21:03.920 And you know, we talk about this often. 0:21:04.040 --> 0:21:04.560 There's a lot of. 0:21:04.600 --> 0:21:07.680 Therapy speak where people try and use therapy to use 0:21:08.119 --> 0:21:12.560 their behavior. Jonah Hill and you know, being douchebags, and 0:21:13.040 --> 0:21:15.480 you know I didn't. I don't like you because talking 0:21:15.480 --> 0:21:17.720 to other men, because it's a traumat and I think 0:21:17.720 --> 0:21:20.040 it triggers are going to fix yourself? 0:21:20.240 --> 0:21:23.280 Yeah, yeah, type of be able to talk to you exactly. 0:21:23.640 --> 0:21:26.280 And I think for me, something I've I heard not 0:21:26.359 --> 0:21:30.320 too long ago was that emotions last for a couple 0:21:30.320 --> 0:21:34.960 of seconds, if you know, like, and so it's about 0:21:34.960 --> 0:21:38.040 how long we allow ourselves in that. So I think 0:21:38.080 --> 0:21:41.480 similarly with trauma responses. I think it's normal to feel 0:21:41.480 --> 0:21:43.880 on emotion, and as you work through it, maybe it 0:21:43.920 --> 0:21:48.639 becomes less extreme, maybe less where it comes. Yes, it 0:21:48.680 --> 0:21:51.240 doesn't last as long. And I think it's normal to 0:21:51.440 --> 0:21:55.600 feel certain things, but it's how we then address it. 0:21:55.640 --> 0:21:58.680 So it's like this hurts me. You could sit in there, 0:21:59.000 --> 0:22:01.840 I'm so hurt on me, I'm the victim, and you 0:22:01.880 --> 0:22:05.200 can wallow for life or you know, weeks on it. 0:22:05.440 --> 0:22:07.840 But it's like this hurt me? Why did it hurt me? 0:22:08.560 --> 0:22:11.639 And why does it bring up these feelings? And what 0:22:11.760 --> 0:22:14.280 could be done differently? Is it something I could have done? 0:22:14.359 --> 0:22:16.480 Is it something that could have been done by someone else? 0:22:16.800 --> 0:22:20.639 And how do I go from allowing ourselves to feel 0:22:20.800 --> 0:22:24.800 but also saying Okay, clearly I still feel triggered by this. 0:22:25.200 --> 0:22:27.960 I need to work on yeah, because yeah, I'm being 0:22:28.000 --> 0:22:31.920 a douchebag. Does not or feeling a trauma responses being 0:22:32.160 --> 0:22:34.760 like still still a douche, your douche and you see it. 0:22:35.960 --> 0:22:40.920