1 00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:05,560 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. 2 00:00:05,920 --> 00:00:09,119 Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just 3 00:00:09,280 --> 00:00:14,200 Speaker 2: wants answers. Now two nights of amazing parenting television. How 4 00:00:14,280 --> 00:00:18,759 Speaker 2: much fun is French guidance. It's riveting, It's riveting. So 5 00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:20,520 Speaker 2: after episode one, the is. 6 00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:22,000 Speaker 3: Riveting for the whole family. 7 00:00:22,239 --> 00:00:23,680 Speaker 1: Our kids just love it. 8 00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:27,200 Speaker 2: The our Back Parents were voted as the family the 9 00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:30,400 Speaker 2: parents that everyone in the parental Guidance room wanted to 10 00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:34,199 Speaker 2: see more of. Last night we had an unexpected surprise 11 00:00:34,360 --> 00:00:37,760 Speaker 2: Kat our honest parent spoiler alert by the way, it 12 00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:41,680 Speaker 2: was voted through to the next round, eclipsing everybody else. 13 00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:44,319 Speaker 2: But there was some stuff to talk about from last night. 14 00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:45,200 Speaker 2: Holy cow. 15 00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:48,400 Speaker 3: After the first night, Yes, the out Back Parents. 16 00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:50,199 Speaker 2: Were, they were flying, they had their moment in. 17 00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:52,800 Speaker 3: The sun, but they kind of crashed last night. 18 00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:54,840 Speaker 2: And this is what I said, I think when we 19 00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:57,280 Speaker 2: spoke yesterday. I've had so many conversations about this now, 20 00:00:57,320 --> 00:01:00,320 Speaker 2: but the show highlights the strength same week. This is 21 00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:02,320 Speaker 2: of every style and that means everyone looks good, but 22 00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:04,319 Speaker 2: everyone also has a moment where they don't look great. 23 00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:05,440 Speaker 3: But isn't that real life? 24 00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:07,440 Speaker 2: I think it is every single day we do things 25 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:10,080 Speaker 2: that look really good, and we do things that don't 26 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:11,319 Speaker 2: look so well. 27 00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:14,560 Speaker 3: It's not even about the look as much as it is. 28 00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:17,119 Speaker 3: Some days it feels great and you feel like you're 29 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:21,000 Speaker 3: on top of the mountain, you've literally nailed it, and 30 00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:23,680 Speaker 3: then the next breath, you've just completely messed it all up. 31 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:26,319 Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, So we need to talk about 32 00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:30,000 Speaker 2: the conversation. So first off, the first major challenge. It 33 00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:34,120 Speaker 2: was really great TV, the bystander effect. You've got a child, 34 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:36,560 Speaker 2: they're in a park, A couple of kids come into 35 00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:39,200 Speaker 2: the park, they're bullying each other, and then they try 36 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:40,840 Speaker 2: to rope your child into do the bullying. 37 00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:43,600 Speaker 4: Just remember that we're looking at these incidences from a 38 00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:45,360 Speaker 4: bystander point of view too. 39 00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:47,320 Speaker 2: Your kids involved. 40 00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:47,720 Speaker 1: Are being bullied. 41 00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:51,120 Speaker 2: We want to see if these children have been taught 42 00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:54,960 Speaker 2: how to intervene and not be a bystander. So this 43 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:56,840 Speaker 2: kid stolen the hat running around here, take the hat 44 00:01:56,920 --> 00:02:00,720 Speaker 2: run hey, I mean my hat back can help you cat. 45 00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:11,560 Speaker 3: I think it's why this was really heartening to watch. 46 00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:12,440 Speaker 3: These kids were. 47 00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:14,679 Speaker 2: Young, yeah, like five, six, seven years old. 48 00:02:14,639 --> 00:02:18,839 Speaker 3: Young kids, and yet each of them completely held their 49 00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:23,840 Speaker 3: own and didn't involve themselves, but also didn't leave anyone 50 00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:25,920 Speaker 3: feeling bad either. I just loved it. 51 00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:28,600 Speaker 2: You know. My favorite one was Levi from the Gentle Parents, 52 00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:31,799 Speaker 2: when the kids saying, she can't even do a cartwheel? 53 00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:36,360 Speaker 1: Neither, Isn't she a stupid baby? She does dumb thing 54 00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:38,799 Speaker 1: at school, she can't even do a cartwheel. 55 00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:41,919 Speaker 2: And then he questioned them, and yeah, I just thought 56 00:02:41,919 --> 00:02:44,920 Speaker 2: that was super strong, really really great stuff. But we 57 00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:47,960 Speaker 2: saw each of the families shine. Each of the families 58 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,200 Speaker 2: had kids who were like, yeah, bullying's not cool, I'm 59 00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:52,560 Speaker 2: not part of this. Here's the hat back. I really 60 00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:55,800 Speaker 2: loved that. But there was a comment that came from 61 00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:59,639 Speaker 2: the outback parents that set the room a light. 62 00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:03,880 Speaker 5: As our back parents, we've always told them, if it 63 00:03:03,919 --> 00:03:06,679 Speaker 5: comes to it and they're putting their hands on you 64 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:11,239 Speaker 5: and the teachers aren't doing anything, then you're allowed to retaliate. 65 00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:14,120 Speaker 5: Good smack in the face is going to pull them 66 00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:14,840 Speaker 5: up pretty quick. 67 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:17,079 Speaker 2: I also found it really interesting the way the outback 68 00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:21,160 Speaker 2: dad defended this position. There's also a lot of young 69 00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:23,320 Speaker 2: boys that die from being king hit in the face. 70 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:25,240 Speaker 6: If you run away, good chance you're going to get 71 00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:28,560 Speaker 6: king hit. If you stand up and face it, and 72 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:30,560 Speaker 6: you stand up to that problem and you punch them 73 00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:32,440 Speaker 6: back in the face. While you're getting hit, You've got 74 00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:34,440 Speaker 6: a lot less chance of being hurt than what you 75 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:36,480 Speaker 6: do sitting there cobbing it, getting kicked in the ribs 76 00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:38,680 Speaker 6: and stomping on the ground. If they're getting smacked in 77 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:39,920 Speaker 6: the face, smack them back. 78 00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:42,600 Speaker 2: You see. To me, if you're running away, you're less 79 00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:45,200 Speaker 2: likely to get king hit. It's when you're either not 80 00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:47,800 Speaker 2: expecting it or you're facing up to somebody. 81 00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:52,720 Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm not entirely sure I get that either, because 82 00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:55,480 Speaker 3: you plenty of times you turn your back and that's 83 00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:57,560 Speaker 3: when somebody kind of slogs you from behind. 84 00:03:57,640 --> 00:04:00,680 Speaker 2: We'll run fast. But I think the main thing that 85 00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:01,880 Speaker 2: we need to talk about here. 86 00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:02,640 Speaker 3: Is is it okay? 87 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:05,720 Speaker 2: Yeah? Like this really divided the room. Getting your kids 88 00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:08,240 Speaker 2: to stick up for themselves. I mean, this is the 89 00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:10,040 Speaker 2: sort of thing that blows the Internet up. It blows 90 00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:13,400 Speaker 2: Facebook cup. This is that question if your child is 91 00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:18,280 Speaker 2: being bullied, there's physical altercations occurring, or it's just incessant 92 00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:21,799 Speaker 2: and nothing's working, does their cup point where it's okay 93 00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:23,720 Speaker 2: to say, hey, kiddo, you need to stick up for 94 00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:26,520 Speaker 2: yourself here. And sometimes the only way you can reason 95 00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:27,880 Speaker 2: with somebody is with your fists. 96 00:04:28,279 --> 00:04:30,560 Speaker 3: I got the impression, and clearly we'll never know, but 97 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:32,560 Speaker 3: I got the impression that there were people in that 98 00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:37,360 Speaker 3: room who had experienced a level of bullying or been 99 00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:38,760 Speaker 3: on the other side of it. 100 00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:39,560 Speaker 1: And. 101 00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:47,119 Speaker 3: Just to listen to each person's perspective. And I don't 102 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:50,120 Speaker 3: think it's a clean cut answer. I think that it's 103 00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:53,039 Speaker 3: very easy when you're sitting in your comfy chair in 104 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:58,359 Speaker 3: your laund room and life is easy to think that 105 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:03,800 Speaker 3: you have a black white answer. But I think that unfortunately, 106 00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:07,160 Speaker 3: this is not one of those challenges that necessarily has 107 00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:08,160 Speaker 3: a black and white answer. 108 00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:12,640 Speaker 2: So I'm firmly on the you don't hit so. 109 00:05:12,839 --> 00:05:14,400 Speaker 3: Much, I think one hundred percent. 110 00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:17,360 Speaker 2: But for I think context is really important and I'm 111 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:20,520 Speaker 2: disinclined to say you never hit. 112 00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:23,760 Speaker 3: And I think that that's the difference that too many 113 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:27,440 Speaker 3: times kids have been taught not to defend themselves and 114 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:30,800 Speaker 3: end up stuck on the ground being beaten in the 115 00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:31,960 Speaker 3: billios out of. 116 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:33,800 Speaker 2: But at the same time, you don't want your first 117 00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:34,760 Speaker 2: thing to be good. 118 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:36,680 Speaker 5: Smack in the face is going to pull them up 119 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:37,520 Speaker 5: pretty quick. 120 00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:42,400 Speaker 3: That's right. And the challenge we have is where trying 121 00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:48,839 Speaker 3: to teach this too, and immature inexperienced child. It's hard 122 00:05:48,920 --> 00:05:52,560 Speaker 3: enough for adults to know how to act in certain situations, 123 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,719 Speaker 3: and yet we're expecting that our kids are going to 124 00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:57,880 Speaker 3: understand the nuance behind when it's appropriate and when it's not. 125 00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:00,400 Speaker 2: So I think we need some parental guidance to this 126 00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:03,320 Speaker 2: first half of our conversation because there's more to talk 127 00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:04,400 Speaker 2: about from the episode. 128 00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:08,480 Speaker 3: Well, from your perspective, is it okay? 129 00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:16,279 Speaker 2: No, except in the most extreme circumstances. No, like except yes? 130 00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:18,520 Speaker 2: And so if I was talking to a child about this, 131 00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:21,000 Speaker 2: and the likelihood that our children, I mean, we have 132 00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:24,479 Speaker 2: six daughters, this is not a typical thing. I know 133 00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:27,120 Speaker 2: that girls are being violent more now than they ever have, 134 00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:29,839 Speaker 2: but it's still really unusual, especially when you compare it 135 00:06:29,839 --> 00:06:32,440 Speaker 2: to the amount of times that boys will be violent 136 00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:34,920 Speaker 2: with one another. The position that I'm going to take 137 00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:37,320 Speaker 2: really clearly is we teach our kids that we look 138 00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:42,640 Speaker 2: for non violent responses in every case, but if there 139 00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:45,800 Speaker 2: is ever a real threat, option one is always to 140 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:48,919 Speaker 2: get away. Option one is always to get away. But 141 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:52,040 Speaker 2: if the threat remains real, or if the threat continues 142 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:55,240 Speaker 2: day in and day out and we can't find any 143 00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:59,960 Speaker 2: kind of help. Then I'm chafing. I don't even want 144 00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:03,719 Speaker 2: to say it now, you know what interesting? No, No, I'm back. 145 00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:05,800 Speaker 2: I'm literally I want to wrestle with this and keep 146 00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:09,520 Speaker 2: the podcast going without any edits. I'm wrestling with it 147 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:11,720 Speaker 2: because as soon as I was about to say, if 148 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:14,240 Speaker 2: you have to punch them back, do it, I can't 149 00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:17,480 Speaker 2: say that because you know what happens the next day 150 00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:20,640 Speaker 2: the kid shows up with three friends, or you do 151 00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:22,440 Speaker 2: punch them back, but the kid is bigger and you 152 00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:26,160 Speaker 2: lose three teeth, or somebody gets king hit and they 153 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:28,080 Speaker 2: get knocked out, or they hit their head on the concrete, 154 00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:30,480 Speaker 2: and I just have to come back to know. No, 155 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:32,400 Speaker 2: I don't care if you live in the country. I 156 00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:34,120 Speaker 2: don't care if you live in the city. I don't 157 00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:36,680 Speaker 2: care what your context is or what your circumstances are. 158 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:39,560 Speaker 2: There has to be a non violent way out of 159 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,640 Speaker 2: this every time, and once you're out of the situation, 160 00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:44,240 Speaker 2: that's when you get the help that you need so 161 00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:47,880 Speaker 2: that it doesn't become an ongoing problem. We just have 162 00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:50,240 Speaker 2: to teach our kids that violence isn't the answer, because 163 00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:53,680 Speaker 2: if they do some real damage, they will be charged, 164 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:55,800 Speaker 2: they will be in trouble for it. But if they 165 00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:57,440 Speaker 2: don't do a real damage, they may be the one 166 00:07:57,440 --> 00:07:59,600 Speaker 2: that gets damaged. And I'll tell you what if I 167 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:01,240 Speaker 2: said to my one of my kids, if there's a 168 00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:02,960 Speaker 2: bully that's giving you a hard time, you just punch 169 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:06,760 Speaker 2: them in the face. And my child did, and they 170 00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:09,560 Speaker 2: didn't do it hard enough to actually end the bullying. 171 00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:12,000 Speaker 2: If that bully then got stuck in my child and 172 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:15,200 Speaker 2: broken arm or broken nose or chipped teeth, I couldn't 173 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:17,400 Speaker 2: live with myself because my child would look at me 174 00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:19,600 Speaker 2: and say, I did what you said, Dad. I couldn't 175 00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:20,000 Speaker 2: take that. 176 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:20,760 Speaker 1: No. 177 00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:23,840 Speaker 3: Why What interests me is how strong they are in 178 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:26,480 Speaker 3: their stance and yet you I mean, obviously their boys 179 00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:27,360 Speaker 3: are quite young. 180 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:30,600 Speaker 2: And the God they're such a good family. 181 00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:34,840 Speaker 3: And jellic kids, like there isn't a rough and tumble 182 00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:36,920 Speaker 3: bone in their body from what we've seen so far. 183 00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:39,360 Speaker 2: And to be really clear, David and Tensei are fantastic. 184 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:41,839 Speaker 2: I love them. Every family on that show is really 185 00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:46,360 Speaker 2: really top notch. But this attitude divides people, so Kylie. 186 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:49,320 Speaker 2: From a professional perspective, I'm going to say the outback 187 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:52,440 Speaker 2: parents on this one are wrong and we have to 188 00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:56,760 Speaker 2: teach our children non violent responses, whether that means getting help, 189 00:08:56,800 --> 00:09:00,120 Speaker 2: whether that means calling mum, regardless. I mean, I have 190 00:09:00,160 --> 00:09:02,440 Speaker 2: a friend who had a thirteen to fourteen year old 191 00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:04,760 Speaker 2: son who was literally being bullied at school and then 192 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:07,760 Speaker 2: chased home from school, and at one point the bullies 193 00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:11,040 Speaker 2: hung out out the front of the house. They weren't trespassing, 194 00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:13,240 Speaker 2: they were just hanging out on the footpath in front 195 00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:16,680 Speaker 2: of the house and taunting this kid and his family, 196 00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:19,520 Speaker 2: And so the family called the police, and in the end, 197 00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:22,160 Speaker 2: the boys were expelled from the school. Like it got nasty, 198 00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:26,520 Speaker 2: But the boy wisely chose not to retaliate with violence. 199 00:09:26,559 --> 00:09:30,199 Speaker 2: Had he retaliated to the bullies with his fists, I'm 200 00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:33,600 Speaker 2: sure he would have been hospitalized or worse. It's just 201 00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:35,679 Speaker 2: not the right way. 202 00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:40,360 Speaker 3: So to paint. I guess a different picture though. If 203 00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:43,520 Speaker 3: I'm in a situation as a woman and I'm attacked, 204 00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:46,560 Speaker 3: I'm not going to walk away. I'm going to do 205 00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:49,240 Speaker 3: everything I can to protect myself in spite of the 206 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:49,800 Speaker 3: fact that i. 207 00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:51,920 Speaker 2: Am going to lose. So this is a different scenario. 208 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:53,000 Speaker 3: Oh keep it, That's what I'm saying. 209 00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:57,760 Speaker 2: There's a difference between bullying and being attacked. So if 210 00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:01,920 Speaker 2: physical altercations begin, you can longer run away, You defend yourself, 211 00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:03,679 Speaker 2: You do what you have to. That's a totally different 212 00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:07,080 Speaker 2: class of scenario. I'm talking about the pushing, the shoving, 213 00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:10,960 Speaker 2: the cajoling, the name calling, the bullying, the hassling, the shoving, 214 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:13,719 Speaker 2: the pushing up against the wall. Whilever you've got the 215 00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:16,080 Speaker 2: option to get away, you get away, of course. But 216 00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:17,959 Speaker 2: if it turns into a wrestle, if it turns into 217 00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:21,160 Speaker 2: hands on and you can't get away, you defend yourself. 218 00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:24,760 Speaker 2: And because at that point you're you're about to get 219 00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:27,120 Speaker 2: hurt anyway, so you do whatever you can to inflict 220 00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:27,920 Speaker 2: the image and get away. 221 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,360 Speaker 3: And I guess that's where I'm coming from, and I 222 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:31,559 Speaker 3: just want to make that really clip. I'm one hundred 223 00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:34,040 Speaker 3: percent behind you, and I have always been nonviolent. 224 00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:35,400 Speaker 2: So have I confused the issue now? 225 00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:39,960 Speaker 3: Maybe I'm just saying it's it's not black and white, 226 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:43,040 Speaker 3: and I think that we need I don't know what 227 00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:45,960 Speaker 3: the answer is, but I'm not going to tell my 228 00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:49,000 Speaker 3: kid to stay on the ground and just continue to 229 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:49,840 Speaker 3: be kicked in the head. 230 00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:53,920 Speaker 2: Of course, never of course, So my response nonviolent and 231 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:56,800 Speaker 2: get away. But if it turns into a physical confrontation. 232 00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:58,840 Speaker 2: Defend yourself at all costs. 233 00:10:59,240 --> 00:10:59,600 Speaker 3: Thank you. 234 00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:05,760 Speaker 2: Let's talk about the second big issue. Now, there were 235 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:07,559 Speaker 2: a lot of things that came out of this one, 236 00:11:07,559 --> 00:11:09,760 Speaker 2: but let's talk about the second big issue from episode 237 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:10,960 Speaker 2: two of Parental Guidance. 238 00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:13,600 Speaker 3: Well, I've got lots and lots to say about lots 239 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:16,040 Speaker 3: and lots of things, but I think we might actually 240 00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:18,200 Speaker 3: end up having to do an episode on Thursday to 241 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:20,080 Speaker 3: talk about some of the things that just kind of 242 00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:22,719 Speaker 3: came out of the show as opposed to necessarily specifically 243 00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:23,600 Speaker 3: out of the challenges. 244 00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:25,760 Speaker 2: So let's do this one fairly briefly because our time 245 00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:26,600 Speaker 2: is getting away already. 246 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:27,959 Speaker 3: Tomorrow, will do briefly. 247 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:30,400 Speaker 2: Do you know what? I had so much to say 248 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:32,160 Speaker 2: in the show, But I think I talked too much 249 00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:34,559 Speaker 2: because some of my great points just didn't make it 250 00:11:34,559 --> 00:11:36,040 Speaker 2: because I think I take too long to make them. 251 00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:37,520 Speaker 2: I need to be better for season three. 252 00:11:38,559 --> 00:11:41,360 Speaker 3: Well, we obviously they did the lost Child challenge. 253 00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:43,040 Speaker 2: Let's talk about that tomorrow. I want to talk about 254 00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:43,720 Speaker 2: facing fears. 255 00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:45,600 Speaker 3: But the thing that really stood out of this one, 256 00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:49,079 Speaker 3: outside of the bullying, was that challenge where they had 257 00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:52,600 Speaker 3: to have one kid face their fears and climb up 258 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:53,439 Speaker 3: a pole. 259 00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:55,240 Speaker 6: How high is this? 260 00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:56,319 Speaker 2: This is twenty one meters. 261 00:11:56,480 --> 00:11:58,199 Speaker 1: If you food down there, would you die? 262 00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:02,080 Speaker 3: I don't know if you noticed. But different kids, because 263 00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:05,440 Speaker 3: they were obviously in different places, they were climbing up 264 00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:07,920 Speaker 3: different things. So one of the kids was only jumping 265 00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:10,840 Speaker 3: off ten meters, there was another kid jumping off twenty 266 00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:13,800 Speaker 3: five meters. And then you had a kid who was 267 00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:17,360 Speaker 3: not on a platform. He climbed up a telegraph pole. Yes, 268 00:12:17,679 --> 00:12:21,760 Speaker 3: now I've done that, and that scared the living daylights 269 00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:25,920 Speaker 3: out of me. So these kids, really they did something hard. 270 00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:28,360 Speaker 2: I want to play some audio. This is from the 271 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:33,600 Speaker 2: gentle parents with little LEVI so scared to do this? 272 00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:34,679 Speaker 5: Do I have to? 273 00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:36,040 Speaker 1: I reckon, you can do it. 274 00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:38,920 Speaker 3: What do you think as a gentle parent, I'm not 275 00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:40,880 Speaker 3: going to force him and say you have to do this. 276 00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:45,240 Speaker 2: What do you think you have to help him feel safe? 277 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:49,080 Speaker 5: I think you're probably going to have a harness and 278 00:12:49,080 --> 00:12:50,760 Speaker 5: be buckled in excited to. 279 00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:55,600 Speaker 4: Do the jump to day. Yes, maybe we're going to 280 00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:57,920 Speaker 4: put you in a harness. I'll go around your legs, 281 00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:59,880 Speaker 4: around your arm. You need to take one big step off, 282 00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:01,040 Speaker 4: fly all the way to the ground. 283 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:04,559 Speaker 1: You could fly. Who else to fly? 284 00:13:05,240 --> 00:13:08,839 Speaker 2: Superman only? I'll fly. 285 00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:10,880 Speaker 1: That is pretty special. I've never flown like this before. 286 00:13:11,559 --> 00:13:11,880 Speaker 1: You're ready? 287 00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:12,319 Speaker 2: Should we go? 288 00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:12,800 Speaker 1: Get your arms? 289 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:14,840 Speaker 2: Yeah? 290 00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:18,480 Speaker 3: So I'm not gonna lie. He literally had me in tears. 291 00:13:18,559 --> 00:13:20,040 Speaker 2: I didn't think he was going to do it, and 292 00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:21,560 Speaker 2: I was so excited when he did. 293 00:13:21,679 --> 00:13:23,559 Speaker 3: And it seemed effortless. 294 00:13:23,679 --> 00:13:24,959 Speaker 4: Oh yeah, you're ready for one. 295 00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:30,720 Speaker 2: You've got your flag. Very big step, big step, big step, 296 00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:35,160 Speaker 2: big step. Yeah, he lava. 297 00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:36,040 Speaker 1: You did it. 298 00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:41,520 Speaker 3: Once he set his mind to do it, it was 299 00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:42,439 Speaker 3: just done. 300 00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:44,760 Speaker 2: But that's their point, and it kind of lines up 301 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:46,680 Speaker 2: really nicely with a lot of the principles that I teach. 302 00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:50,280 Speaker 2: When you give your kids autonomy, they'll make their own decisions, 303 00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:53,960 Speaker 2: and they make decisions and carry them out like that. 304 00:13:54,080 --> 00:14:00,720 Speaker 2: Autonomy support is so powerful. I also really enjoyed the 305 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:04,160 Speaker 2: honest parent cat and the way that her little guy 306 00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:10,079 Speaker 2: Jesse neurodivergent, terrified, and then boom, I don't. 307 00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:12,600 Speaker 1: Want to do this. I don't want to do this, Jessie. 308 00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:16,840 Speaker 1: I'm so proud of you. You got this man both 309 00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:17,719 Speaker 1: hands on the blue YEP. 310 00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:17,959 Speaker 5: There. 311 00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:39,680 Speaker 2: That was awesome. So we need to talk about You've 312 00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:43,000 Speaker 2: already mentioned that the Lighthouse parents had that super scary approach, 313 00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:46,760 Speaker 2: and their autonomy support was first class. This I think 314 00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:49,720 Speaker 2: was the ultimate example of autonomy support that I've seen 315 00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:52,800 Speaker 2: in the entire show. Every step you take, these men 316 00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:55,440 Speaker 2: are watching you and ready to catch all. 317 00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:59,640 Speaker 3: Right, So what are you going to be today? 318 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:00,920 Speaker 5: Good child? 319 00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:13,120 Speaker 1: She's amazing, feeling brave, Yeah, feeling strong. Yeah, you can 320 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:13,480 Speaker 1: do this. 321 00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:15,080 Speaker 2: I know you can. 322 00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:19,920 Speaker 3: I love what mom did. Yeah, but holy smokes, Pepper, 323 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:23,520 Speaker 3: she's knocked it out of the park. And the fact 324 00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:27,160 Speaker 3: that she was able to support her sibling in such 325 00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:30,640 Speaker 3: a beautiful and powerful way, it was just so heartening. 326 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:33,720 Speaker 2: So let's talk about the Outback parents. I know that 327 00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:35,640 Speaker 2: I feel like we've given her a pretty hard time 328 00:15:35,640 --> 00:15:38,080 Speaker 2: in this podcast. Like I said, they're great people. I 329 00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:40,200 Speaker 2: really enjoyed getting a no David intense and they've got 330 00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:42,760 Speaker 2: gorgeous kids, and I think they're going to be just fine. 331 00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:45,520 Speaker 2: But we have to talk about what happened here. 332 00:15:46,400 --> 00:16:00,360 Speaker 1: Do you do it now? No more, I'm not going 333 00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:00,920 Speaker 1: to get hurt. 334 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:09,120 Speaker 3: I could feel a bit of tension in the room. 335 00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:11,320 Speaker 2: You were sitting next to me, and you could feel 336 00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:13,920 Speaker 2: the tension of me. And I've already seen it. I 337 00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:15,640 Speaker 2: can feel the tension again now. 338 00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:20,840 Speaker 3: And you know, incomplete and utter honesty, I have been 339 00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:27,040 Speaker 3: that parent. I have been that parent. No shaping about 340 00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:34,800 Speaker 3: shaming them. But what a beautiful representation and contrast that 341 00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:39,160 Speaker 3: we saw in what worked out to be beautifully supportive 342 00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:39,840 Speaker 3: and what wasn't. 343 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:41,920 Speaker 2: What I loved as well, though, was when they watched 344 00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:43,520 Speaker 2: it back, they said. 345 00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:45,480 Speaker 1: I think we've probably pushed a little bit too much. 346 00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:48,800 Speaker 2: It was hard to watch like they saw it, they 347 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:51,640 Speaker 2: could feel it, they knew, And that's that's a. 348 00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:55,680 Speaker 3: Powerful and that's that's exactly right. While we're watching people's 349 00:16:55,680 --> 00:17:00,000 Speaker 3: pobles and their weaknesses come out so brave, it's it's 350 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:03,960 Speaker 3: helping others, yes through the process because even though you 351 00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:06,720 Speaker 3: might not do that, you actually now see why you 352 00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:10,360 Speaker 3: wouldn't do that. You actually understand why you're doing things 353 00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:13,359 Speaker 3: in a totally different way. And if you are that 354 00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:17,280 Speaker 3: parent and you are in that space, then seeing it 355 00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:21,119 Speaker 3: played back to you is just powerful. 356 00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:24,080 Speaker 2: So some professional tips for how to know whether or 357 00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:26,159 Speaker 2: not to get your kids to face their fears and 358 00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:28,199 Speaker 2: place them under pressure. 359 00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:34,119 Speaker 3: My question is, how do we be discerning about how 360 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:36,400 Speaker 3: far is too far to push our kids? 361 00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:39,359 Speaker 2: We've wrestled with this with six children now with all 362 00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:41,720 Speaker 2: kinds of activities. In fact, we're literally wrestling with it 363 00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:43,840 Speaker 2: right now with one of our children who wants to 364 00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:47,880 Speaker 2: stop swimming lessons. She's too young to stop. We've made 365 00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:49,240 Speaker 2: a commitment to all of our kids that we're going 366 00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:52,359 Speaker 2: to make sure that they can swim competently. Because we've had. 367 00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:54,320 Speaker 3: This discussion with fifteen year olds we're having with a 368 00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:55,280 Speaker 3: nine year olds. 369 00:17:55,359 --> 00:17:58,920 Speaker 2: Gosh, and we're like, no, no, no, not yet. And 370 00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:01,320 Speaker 2: so this is the pre suit. How hard do you push? 371 00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:03,240 Speaker 2: Why do you push? How do you explain your ration? 372 00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:05,640 Speaker 3: But this is a totally different conversation. These kids were 373 00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:07,920 Speaker 3: facing a fear as opposed. 374 00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:09,639 Speaker 2: To I supposed all lack of motivation. That's right, all right, 375 00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:11,800 Speaker 2: So when it comes to facing fears, do you know 376 00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:16,760 Speaker 2: what that line from Pepper? I think that that's a 377 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:18,600 Speaker 2: powerful line for every parent to remember. 378 00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:19,920 Speaker 3: I wonder. 379 00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:25,000 Speaker 2: It's hard, isn't it. Well, I so I'm watching you 380 00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:26,960 Speaker 2: grapple with it, and I'm not sure what to say. 381 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:29,919 Speaker 3: One of the things that I have tried really hard 382 00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:34,679 Speaker 3: to do is to show my kids that I'm willing 383 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:36,680 Speaker 3: to try things even when I'm scared. 384 00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:38,080 Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. 385 00:18:38,119 --> 00:18:40,560 Speaker 3: And to most people, the things that I'm scared of 386 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:44,919 Speaker 3: are very silly scary. You recog so you know, jumping 387 00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:47,159 Speaker 3: from a five meter platform into the water is not 388 00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:48,919 Speaker 3: a big deal to a lot of people. But my 389 00:18:49,119 --> 00:18:53,600 Speaker 3: body literally freezes. And the kids know that, and they're 390 00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:55,880 Speaker 3: in the water and they're screaming at me to give 391 00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:58,119 Speaker 3: it a go. And it takes me a long time 392 00:18:58,280 --> 00:19:00,320 Speaker 3: to actually get to a point where I can let 393 00:19:00,359 --> 00:19:02,960 Speaker 3: go and actually do it. And no matter how many 394 00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:06,200 Speaker 3: times I do it, it's the same fear every single time. 395 00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:09,239 Speaker 3: The exposure therapy is not working for me, and I 396 00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:16,200 Speaker 3: will scream the bios out of it, and everybody says, 397 00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:19,600 Speaker 3: why do you have to scream? It scares me, but 398 00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:22,560 Speaker 3: I'm willing to do it because I want them to 399 00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:26,600 Speaker 3: see that I'm I'm not going to miss out just 400 00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:30,280 Speaker 3: because I'm scared. And I enjoy the process once I've 401 00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:32,159 Speaker 3: done it, but it's still I'm still scared. 402 00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:35,680 Speaker 2: Here's here's my take on it. We give the kids 403 00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:38,840 Speaker 2: the opportunity, We say, here, we are, this is what 404 00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:41,080 Speaker 2: we're doing. You don't have to join it if you want, 405 00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:42,960 Speaker 2: but I'm doing it, and we'd love for you to 406 00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:45,080 Speaker 2: be part of it. That's the approach we've taken with 407 00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:47,639 Speaker 2: most scary things, whether it's a roller coaster ride at 408 00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:49,840 Speaker 2: a theme park, whether it's jumping off some rocks at 409 00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:51,679 Speaker 2: a lagoon or a We have a. 410 00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:54,000 Speaker 3: Couple of really good rollers coaster photos. 411 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:58,720 Speaker 2: Yeah, yep, over the years, we do. I'm thinking of 412 00:19:58,760 --> 00:20:02,679 Speaker 2: the time where we were at Poon up near Rockhampton 413 00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:05,960 Speaker 2: and we swam out to an island called Creek Rock 414 00:20:06,359 --> 00:20:09,199 Speaker 2: that was about ak and a half offshore and there 415 00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:11,520 Speaker 2: were stingrays and who knows what else in the water, 416 00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:15,800 Speaker 2: and it was terrifying, and we just said, kids, we're 417 00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:17,399 Speaker 2: going to do this. You don't have to do it. 418 00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:19,960 Speaker 2: And well, let's be fair, we didn't know what was 419 00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:24,240 Speaker 2: in the water until everybody told us. But the thing 420 00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:26,400 Speaker 2: is the kids came with us until they'd had enough, 421 00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:29,439 Speaker 2: and then some of them went back, and that was 422 00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:31,159 Speaker 2: just fine. There was no shame. It's like, Okay, well 423 00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:33,280 Speaker 2: we're giving a go, and I feel like that's the 424 00:20:33,359 --> 00:20:36,000 Speaker 2: right balance. We're doing it, we're excited to do it. 425 00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,280 Speaker 2: We'd love for you to join us. I guess the 426 00:20:38,359 --> 00:20:42,000 Speaker 2: only time that's an issue is when it's all of 427 00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:44,240 Speaker 2: us or none of us. That's the only time it 428 00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:45,879 Speaker 2: gets really tricky. And then I think you have to 429 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:49,440 Speaker 2: let the person who was terrified actually make the determination. 430 00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:51,960 Speaker 2: It's not okay to traumatize somebody just because you want 431 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:52,720 Speaker 2: to have a cheap thrill. 432 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:56,919 Speaker 3: So what about the comments that were made that they 433 00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:59,280 Speaker 3: would regret this for the rest of our lives. 434 00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:02,200 Speaker 2: I don't know that anybody's going to regret not jumping 435 00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:04,320 Speaker 2: off a telegraph pole for the rest of their life. However, 436 00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:06,880 Speaker 2: what doing it does is it gives you a sense 437 00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:11,640 Speaker 2: of competence, that is that basic psychological need. It satisfies that, 438 00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:16,920 Speaker 2: it reinforces competence, and it builds confidence. And I really think, 439 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:19,120 Speaker 2: I mean, we talk all the time about these three 440 00:21:19,119 --> 00:21:21,560 Speaker 2: basic psychological needs from my book The Pairing Revolution. 441 00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:22,880 Speaker 3: When am I going to feel competent? 442 00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:27,960 Speaker 2: We talk all the time about feeling competent. We need 443 00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:29,840 Speaker 2: to teach our kids about this, and we need to say, 444 00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:32,639 Speaker 2: if you do this, you're going to feel strong because 445 00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:35,320 Speaker 2: it's a hard thing. We've got that saying in our 446 00:21:35,359 --> 00:21:36,720 Speaker 2: family we do hard things. 447 00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:38,080 Speaker 3: Am I going to feel it when I jump off 448 00:21:38,119 --> 00:21:40,280 Speaker 3: ten meters instead of five? Is that when I'm supposed 449 00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:40,719 Speaker 3: to feel it? 450 00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:42,800 Speaker 2: Hey, we've gone way over time. We need to wrap 451 00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:45,680 Speaker 2: this up. I hope that's a helpful review. I hope 452 00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:48,040 Speaker 2: there's also a handful of useful parenting tips in there, 453 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,080 Speaker 2: because this is the podcast for the time poor parent 454 00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:53,480 Speaker 2: who just wants answers now. Hopefully, while Parental Guidance is on, 455 00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:56,400 Speaker 2: you're not feeling quite so time poor because our episodes 456 00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:58,800 Speaker 2: are going to go over time every time. There's so 457 00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:02,359 Speaker 2: much to talk about. Tomorrow it's a big review episode 458 00:22:02,359 --> 00:22:03,639 Speaker 2: where we kind of talk about all the stuff that 459 00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:05,919 Speaker 2: we haven't had a chance to talk about because we 460 00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:09,320 Speaker 2: get a breather until next week. More episodes on the Telly. 461 00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:11,520 Speaker 2: Next week. Tomorrow we review all the stuff we haven't 462 00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:14,639 Speaker 2: talked about, because gosh, there's some heavy stuff on the 463 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:16,959 Speaker 2: Happy Family podcast, which is produced by Justin Ruland from 464 00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:20,000 Speaker 2: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. For more 465 00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:22,160 Speaker 2: information about French Guidance, well, you find it all over 466 00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:25,200 Speaker 2: the web or on our Facebook page, or just visit 467 00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:36,640 Speaker 2: Happy families dot com dot au to make your family happy.