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Speaker 1: A few months ago on Parental Guidance channel nines hit

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Speaker 1: TV show, I made a comment that seems to have

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Speaker 1: captured a lot of people's imagination, and really, I don't know.

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Speaker 1: It feels really good when as a parent you feel

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Speaker 1: like you can connect with and even share important things

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Speaker 1: with your kids. So I shared on Parental Guidance that

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Speaker 1: every Sunday or most Sundays in our family, listen down

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Speaker 1: with the kids for fifteen minutes or thereabouts and have

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Speaker 1: tricky talks. We talk about tough conversations, the things that

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Speaker 1: really really things that kids might struggle with, so that

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Speaker 1: we can help them to have a dry run. They

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Speaker 1: can have a bit of a practice as they work

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Speaker 1: out how to navigate life today. Our tricky question from

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Speaker 1: one of our Happy Families podcast listeners is about how

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Speaker 1: to have these conversations with your kids, especially when the

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Speaker 1: kids are little. That's coming up. Stay with us. Hello,

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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Happy Families podcast, Real Parenting Solution, Every

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Speaker 1: single day on Australia's most downloaded parenty podcast. We are

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Speaker 1: Justin and Kylie Colson. Every Tuesday on the pod, we

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Speaker 1: give you a chance to ask your tricky questions whatever

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Speaker 1: it is that you would like to know about Happy

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Speaker 1: Families dot com dot A. You scroll down to submit

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Speaker 1: your tricky question about discipline, or screens, or family life, generally, relationships,

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Speaker 1: whatever it is. Ask us literally anything and we'll talk.

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Speaker 1: We love to talk about stuff. Happy families dot com

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Speaker 1: dot You just scrolled down to where it says podcasts

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Speaker 1: super simple system. You literally press the record button and

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Speaker 1: start talking. Or you can email us podcasts at happy

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Speaker 1: families dot com dot you podcasts with an s at

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Speaker 1: happy families dot com dot you send us a voice

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Speaker 1: note and we'll answer your question there. Kylie. Today we've

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Speaker 1: got a question from Alana and this is what she

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Speaker 1: wanted to know.

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Speaker 2: My name Zalada from the Gold Coast. Just wondering if

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Speaker 2: you could help us out with some suggestions for your

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Speaker 2: tough questions to ask with our children. Want to incorporate

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Speaker 2: what you've talked about by talking about tough questions, but

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Speaker 2: just wondering where to start and some examples of those questions.

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Speaker 2: We've got two girls age five and seven, daks.

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Speaker 1: Okay, Alanna, we really appreciate that you want to have

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Speaker 1: these discussions with your kids, Kylie. We were not having

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Speaker 1: these conversations with our five and seven year olds because

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Speaker 1: we just weren't onto it that way. I mean, I

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Speaker 1: guess in a kind of a way we were, but

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Speaker 1: not the way that we talk about it here on

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Speaker 1: the podcasting, in my books and things.

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Speaker 3: Well, the reality is with family life, everything morphs with time,

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Speaker 3: with age, with experience. And so while we weren't having

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Speaker 3: tricky conversations, we've always had a framework around how we

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Speaker 3: spend time with our children in intentional instruction.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, So the background of that is we've always been

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Speaker 1: open about this. We have a church background, and we

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Speaker 1: got a church most Sundays, and our religion, our religious organization,

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Speaker 1: about one hundred and something years ago now instituted this

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Speaker 1: thing that they called Family Home Evening. And the idea

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Speaker 1: of family Home Evening was parents the primary socializer of

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Speaker 1: their kids. Parents are responsible for moral instruction and training

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Speaker 1: for their kids. And so they said, one night a week,

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Speaker 1: we want parents, whether you're on your own or whether

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Speaker 1: you've got mum and dad both available, we want parents

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Speaker 1: to sit down with their kids, have some activities, have

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Speaker 1: some fun, have some laughter, have a treat, and do

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Speaker 1: some I mean we would have called it gospel instruction, right,

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Speaker 1: do some conversation around questions that have moral or faith implications,

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Speaker 1: and teach the kids the stuff that you really think

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Speaker 1: that they need to know. And we've just allowed that

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Speaker 1: to morph over time. We still do the religious instruction,

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Speaker 1: but we don't talk about that on the podcast so much. Instead,

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Speaker 1: these tough talks, while sometimes they have a religious foundation,

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Speaker 1: quite often the stuff that our kids are dealing with,

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Speaker 1: it's just it's stuff that kids are dealing with.

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Speaker 3: And the conversations get trickier as they get older.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, they do.

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Speaker 3: And the reason they're tricky is because they're the conversations

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Speaker 3: that usually make us squirm a little bit. It's hard

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Speaker 3: enough having a conversation about sex with another adult, but

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Speaker 3: then you're having it with your twelve year old daughter

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Speaker 3: or your fourteen year old son. Those kinds of conversations

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Speaker 3: leave us feeling a little bit, i don't know.

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Speaker 1: Squirmish sometimes. Yeah. Yeah, And so let's get into this

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Speaker 1: a little bit more. The first thing that I would say,

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Speaker 1: especially if you've got younger kids, let's say five, six, seven,

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Speaker 1: eight years of age something like that, I don't think

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Speaker 1: that you well, I was going to say, you don't

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Speaker 1: need to have them that often, but I recognize I'm

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Speaker 1: changing my mind. You do you want to have them

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Speaker 1: every week to establish the pattern that's exactly right and

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Speaker 1: let the kids know that there is no topic that's

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Speaker 1: out of bounds. There's no topic that you can't bring up.

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Speaker 1: We're really happy to talk about anything at all.

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Speaker 3: And if this is something that's new and you have

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Speaker 3: young children, then I'd have crazy conversations with them. I'd have,

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Speaker 3: you know, like, would you rather conversations where you're kind

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Speaker 3: of just stretching their thought process, their curiosity and kind

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Speaker 3: of helping them to recognize that nothing's off limit, that

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Speaker 3: we can have these conversations and have fun with them.

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Speaker 3: They don't have to be scared or it doesn't actually

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Speaker 3: have to feel like a tricky question because they're so

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Speaker 3: used to having kind of curly, wirly questions talked about

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Speaker 3: at the dinner table.

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Speaker 1: In my book, Relationship Rules, and yes, this is a

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Speaker 1: blatant plug for the book, because part two of the

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Speaker 1: book is what are some things that you can talk about?

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Speaker 1: And I just want to run through a couple of

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Speaker 1: these because I think they're really really instructive that highlights

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Speaker 1: that it doesn't always have to be a tough or

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Speaker 1: a tricky conversation or talk. It can be just a

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Speaker 1: conversation that's relationship building. So listen to what they're looking

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Speaker 1: forward to. You might listen to what they're grateful for.

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Speaker 1: You could listen to what made them happy today. You

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Speaker 1: could learn about the kind of business they'd love to start.

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Speaker 1: You could listen to answers to hypotheticals that you invent.

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Speaker 1: And here are three that I've thrown into the book

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Speaker 1: just for fun. You find a book and begin to read,

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Speaker 1: only to discover that it is your life. You get

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Speaker 1: to the point that you are at now do you

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Speaker 1: turn the page knowing that you will not be able

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Speaker 1: to change the events to second one? Would you rather

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Speaker 1: get uglier or dumber? I thought that was funny. You're

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Speaker 1: not laughing, or you could reverse it. Would you rather

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Speaker 1: get more attractive or smarter? You're thinking about your answer

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Speaker 1: right now?

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Speaker 3: No, I'm thinking about the question. Emily actually just asked

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Speaker 3: me the other day. Emily's eleven, and she asked me

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Speaker 3: if I would rather have all my teeth pulled or

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Speaker 3: all my fingernails pulled?

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Speaker 1: Okay, what's your answer, my aunt? What did you say?

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Speaker 2: Oh?

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Speaker 3: My fingernails?

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Speaker 1: I'd rather lose my fingernails. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure,

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Speaker 1: for sure. What would you do if you discovered you

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Speaker 1: only had twenty four hours to live?

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Speaker 3: And let's face it, Elana, we're probably making this a

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Speaker 3: little bit harder on ourselves than we need to. We're

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Speaker 3: having conversations with our kids all the time, and I'm

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Speaker 3: sure that your kids are no different to any other kids.

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Speaker 3: They're asking you tricky questions all the time.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, they bring stuff up. And so, I mean the

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Speaker 1: one that I always talk about in my presentations and

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Speaker 1: things is the day that our fourteen year old daughter said, Dad,

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Speaker 1: what's an STI? And I said, hey, let's talk about

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Speaker 1: that on Sunday, because we've got two minutes in the

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Speaker 1: car where I can give you a short and generally

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Speaker 1: unhelped lanzer. Or we've got fifteen minutes on Sunday where

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Speaker 1: we all come together and we discuss it. Now, obviously

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Speaker 1: you're not going to have that conversation with you five

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Speaker 1: to seven year old, but your five to seven year

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Speaker 1: old is unlikely to say, hey, Mum, what's an STI?

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Speaker 3: So she'll ask you something else.

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Speaker 1: There'll be something that will come up. Yeah, So after

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Speaker 1: the break, what I want to do is just highlight

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Speaker 1: a bunch of topics that you could discuss and that

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Speaker 1: will lead to a whole bunch more. And the more

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Speaker 1: you do it, the more you start noticing topics that's next,

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Speaker 1: the topics to talk to your five to seven, five

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Speaker 1: to ten year olds about when it comes to tough

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Speaker 1: talks and tricky conversations. On The Happy Famili's podcast today,

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Speaker 1: we're talking about how to have tough talks and tricky

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Speaker 1: conversations with younger kids. What discussions are up for conversation?

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Speaker 1: Which things do you want to leave alone? Kylie, here's

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Speaker 1: my list. I'm going to work through it and you

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Speaker 1: tell me if there's anything that you would add. I thought,

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Speaker 1: first off, friendship stuff. I mean, kids come home every

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Speaker 1: day talking about something that happened to friendship. Isn't good?

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Speaker 1: Is it bad? What would you do differently in fact,

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Speaker 1: relationships generally?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I was just thinking about that as you were

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Speaker 3: talking about relationships and the idea that our kids often

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Speaker 3: come home and tell us about things that they saw

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Speaker 3: on the playground that aren't even related to their friends. Right,

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Speaker 3: They've seen something happen, They've seen a kid be bullied,

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Speaker 3: or they've seen you know, someone being mistreated and they're

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Speaker 3: trying to understand the world.

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Speaker 1: How should we live? How do we respond to this?

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Speaker 1: What's the right thing to do here? What's the wrong

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Speaker 1: thing to do here? What are you seeing happening? What

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Speaker 1: are other people saying? Like these conversations really do take

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Speaker 1: on and explore, explain in power format, where you say and.

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Speaker 3: What would you do if it was you? Yeah, what

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Speaker 3: would you do if you were in the same group.

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Speaker 1: Or you just want to know what their perspective is

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Speaker 1: all the way through, whether you were adding a little

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Speaker 1: bit of guidance or asking permission. Hey, I've got an idea,

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Speaker 1: mind if I share that with you? What do you

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Speaker 1: think about this? That's kind of where we're going. So

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Speaker 1: first on my list is friendships, bullying, all sorts of

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Speaker 1: relationships stuff. You might even bring in siblings or grandparents,

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Speaker 1: anything that has to do with relationships. You're going to

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Speaker 1: get a fifteen minute conversation without trying.

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Speaker 3: I can't count how many times we might have had

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Speaker 3: conversations around kindness, right and right, unconditional love, and so again.

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Speaker 1: My relationship rules books, there are eighty five relationship rules.

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Speaker 1: You could literally just do a different rule every week

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Speaker 1: and that would I mean, that would give your kids

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Speaker 1: a PhD and how to have healthy relationships. It would

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Speaker 1: be great as a family discussion. We should do that ourselves,

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Speaker 1: calling that that I think about it. The next one screens.

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Speaker 1: What's happening on screens? What's everyone doing on screens? You

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Speaker 1: can talk about gaming, you can talk about social media.

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Speaker 1: I mean, hopefully not with five to seven year olds,

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Speaker 1: but kids are on screens. They're seeing stuff, whether it's

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Speaker 1: on YouTube, whether it's on a social media platform. I

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Speaker 1: don't want to we call it social media anymore. Do

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Speaker 1: you know Facebook recently had to front up to court

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Speaker 1: because of well they're always in court, and they're arguing

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Speaker 1: now that they're not a social media company because more

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Speaker 1: than eighty percent, in fact, as much as ninety percent

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Speaker 1: of content that occurs on Facebook is people who don't

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Speaker 1: know each other viewing or sharing content with other people

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Speaker 1: that they don't know. So less than ten to fifteen

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Speaker 1: percent of what happens on Facebook now on meta platforms

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Speaker 1: is actually people who know each other talking to one another.

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Speaker 1: I thought that was an astonishing thing. Anyway, screens, I

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Speaker 1: reckon body safety would be something that you could talk about.

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Speaker 1: Staying safe.

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Speaker 3: I was just thinking about your screen's conversation, and I

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Speaker 3: think it would actually be really curious to ask you

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Speaker 3: five and seven year old what they notice when they're

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Speaker 3: in a room with people.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, including you. Yeah yeah, little self assessment. Like I said,

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Speaker 1: body safety. There's so many things that you can talk

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Speaker 1: about in terms of staying safe in different situations and

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Speaker 1: how do you navigate that and what to do when

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Speaker 1: you're at the park or are their trick adults who

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Speaker 1: ask for kids' help? What's the deal there. I've also

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Speaker 1: made some notes. You can have conversations about honesty, you

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Speaker 1: can have conversations about integrity, you can have conversations about

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Speaker 1: what big kids do. You can have conversations about I mean,

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Speaker 1: even in grade five there's boyfriend and girlfriend's stuff. If

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Speaker 1: they're older, you start to have long, more detailed conversation.

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Speaker 1: If they're younger, you have shorter discussions, and you're just

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Speaker 1: exploring their perspective, explaining a couple of things, and then

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Speaker 1: getting them to come up with their own ideas. We

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Speaker 1: need to wrap it up. That's kind of everything that

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Speaker 1: I had on my list to get you started. Alana, Kylie,

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Speaker 1: you're looking at me longingly like you want to add

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Speaker 1: one more thing.

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Speaker 3: I remember one of the most trickius conversations we ever

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Speaker 3: had with our children. Yeah, was not long after you

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Speaker 3: published your first book, What Your Child Needs from You Ah,

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Speaker 3: And you had a set of questions in there, or

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Speaker 3: statements that you could answer kind of mentally on your own,

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Speaker 3: but from your child's perspective. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, would my child say yes or no to this question?

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Speaker 3: And I read it and I was like, I don't

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Speaker 3: want to guess what they'd say. I want to know

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Speaker 3: what they'd say.

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Speaker 1: So we had a very first parent performance appraisal where

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Speaker 1: the kids literally told us what's really going on.

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Speaker 3: They were some of the trickiest conversations I've ever had

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Speaker 3: with them. Three year olds telling me the things that

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Speaker 3: I wasn't quite getting right, but in such a loving

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Speaker 3: way and with so much forgiveness and unconditional love. But

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Speaker 3: you want to start a conversation that's going to stretch everybody.

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Speaker 3: Ask your kids if they feel like you love them,

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Speaker 3: and how do they know that you love them? Ask

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Speaker 3: them if we remember things that are important to them,

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Speaker 3: and can they tell you of a time where you've

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Speaker 3: done that. Things about whether or not they feel like

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Speaker 3: we're interested in them and the things that they're doing.

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Speaker 1: What page number is it on on page eight? Okay, well,

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Speaker 1: while I'm shamelessly plugging relationship rules, let's also shamelessly plug

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Speaker 1: what your child needs from you. They're both available at

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Speaker 1: Happy famlies dot com dot you, and they will create really,

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Speaker 1: really meaningful and important conversations with the kids.

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Speaker 3: It was the first time we'd had a pretty big

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Speaker 3: uppercut from our kids. They really beautifully told and worded,

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Speaker 3: but just showed us where we were lacking.

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Speaker 1: Alana, We really really hope that this has been a

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Speaker 1: helpful conversation to get those tricky talks going with you

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Speaker 1: and your kids. Thanks so much for submitting your question.

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Speaker 1: If you would like to submit a tricky question, just

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Speaker 1: go to Happy Families dot com dot you, click the button,

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Speaker 1: start talking and we will get your voice message. Otherwise,

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Speaker 1: send us a voice note to podcasts at happy families

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Speaker 1: dot com dot au. The Happy Families podcast is produced

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Speaker 1: by Justin Rowland from Bridge Mediamhammond's provides research and other

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Speaker 1: support and if you think your family could be happier

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Speaker 1: from this conversation, please share the chat with them, but

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Speaker 1: also with other people that you think might benefit from

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Speaker 1: it when you share the pod, when more people get

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Speaker 1: to hear it, and we get to help more families,

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Speaker 1: which is what our currency is. If you would like

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Speaker 1: more information and resources to help your family be happier,

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Speaker 1: visitors at happy families dot com dot au