Speaker 1: Hello.
Speaker 2: My name is Satasha Nabananga Bamblet. I'm a proud or
Speaker 2: the Order Kerni Whoaltbury and a waddery woman. And before
Speaker 2: we get started on She's on the Money podcast, I
Speaker 2: would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land
Speaker 2: of which this podcast is recorded on a wondery country,
Speaker 2: acknowledging the elders, the ancestors and the next generation coming through.
Speaker 2: As this podcast is about connecting, empowering, knowledge sharing and
Speaker 2: the storytelling of you to make a difference for today
Speaker 2: and lasting impact for tomorrow.
Speaker 1: Let's get into it.
Speaker 3: She's on the Money, She's on the Money.
Speaker 4: Hello, and welcome to She's on the Money, the podcast
Speaker 4: that lets you be perfy about other people's money habits
Speaker 4: for educational purposes of course. Welcome back to another one
Speaker 4: of my money diaries. And I have to give you
Speaker 4: a little quick apology for my voice today because it
Speaker 4: is a little bit raspy. But I never want to
Speaker 4: cancel on a money diarist. So we're here with bells
Speaker 4: on and a kchy voice like we are channeling Phoebe
Speaker 4: from Friends today and I am hoping that you'll stick
Speaker 4: with me. But as you guys know, Money Diaries are
Speaker 4: one of my favorite episodes of the week. I feel
Speaker 4: so internally grateful that I get to share people's money
Speaker 4: stories with our community. Before I get into reading out
Speaker 4: this week's email, I just wanted to issue a little
Speaker 4: bit of a content warning. In this episode, we are
Speaker 4: going to be talking about financial and emotional abuse, and
Speaker 4: that topic does involve threatened suicide. And this week I
Speaker 4: got an email and it went like this, Dear, she's
Speaker 4: on the money. I'm reaching out after listening to your
Speaker 4: recent podcast episode about the community member concerned she can't
Speaker 4: leave her marriage because of financial sircumstances. Having been in
Speaker 4: the same situation, I want to be able to share
Speaker 4: my story in the hopes that it might help others
Speaker 4: in the community. At twenty three, I was in tens
Speaker 4: of thousands of dollars of debt, well being the emotional
Speaker 4: and financial support for my husband. Now at twenty eight,
Speaker 4: I have a wonderful, loving partner, a slalid share portfolio,
Speaker 4: and have just bought a house. Money Diarist, I'm so
Speaker 4: excited about this, but like more excited because you reached
Speaker 4: out after hearing that someone in our community was struggling
Speaker 4: with something and you were like, oh, sit down, like,
Speaker 4: let me take the wheel. I've done this before. Let
Speaker 4: me share my story so that you can learn from.
Speaker 1: Isn't that beautiful to stop my heart?
Speaker 4: But it's true, Like that's why you reached out, is
Speaker 4: it not?
Speaker 1: Yeah, definitely, Honestly, I was striving and I was like
Speaker 1: I usually I pulled up at the shop and I
Speaker 1: was like, I have to send them a message because
Speaker 1: it just broke my heart knowing exactly how that feels,
Speaker 1: and it's not like a unique experience, unfortunately, And I
Speaker 1: was like, hopefully if I can help one, I would
Speaker 1: absolutely love to.
Speaker 4: And I'm so glad we're getting you on the show
Speaker 4: because we had so many people reply to our Instagram
Speaker 4: stories about that as well, and we're just like, oh
Speaker 4: my goodness, this was me twenty years ago, this was
Speaker 4: me five years ago, or this was me. But like
Speaker 4: the best part about it is these women were all
Speaker 4: like by the way, I'm thriving, like let them know.
Speaker 4: And I think that's my favorite part, Like when I
Speaker 4: get to go through our Instagram dms and screenshot all
Speaker 4: of your positive messages and send them to our you know,
Speaker 4: anonymous question asker and be like Hey, just so you know,
Speaker 4: like the community is not just like backing you, but
Speaker 4: like they see you and they get it, and you
Speaker 4: know you can reach out to any of these people.
Speaker 4: Were like, I'm not going to spoil the anonymous nature
Speaker 4: that's on you anyway. I just I feel so special
Speaker 4: that you were like, hey, let me share my whole story.
Speaker 4: I'll come on the pod. Like that is elite. So
Speaker 4: money dost, let's dive straight in. I want to know.
Speaker 4: I ask all of my money diris the same question
Speaker 4: at the start of every episode. If I asked you
Speaker 4: to give your money habits a grade from A through
Speaker 4: to F, what would you grade your.
Speaker 1: I'm going to give myself an A. I think I've
Speaker 1: kind of got it down.
Speaker 4: Pat, Yeah, I love this well. Can you tell me
Speaker 4: a bit more about your money story? Now?
Speaker 1: Yes, I'd say growing up, money was talked about a
Speaker 1: little bit, not too much. Both my parents worked for
Speaker 1: the government and government jobs, so not like high income earners,
Speaker 1: and I have what feels like one hundred and one siblings,
Speaker 1: so they definitely had some like financial strain at that
Speaker 1: point in time. I know they tried really hard to
Speaker 1: educate us on money as best as they could, so,
Speaker 1: you know, as soon as getting like a first job,
Speaker 1: we had to pay board, and then they would do
Speaker 1: things like a certain portion of that would go to
Speaker 1: like donations to charity, that kind of thing. And then
Speaker 1: the best, most heartwarming part I think of all of
Speaker 1: it was that my parents never ever told us that
Speaker 1: they saved it all for us, and then when we
Speaker 1: were older, they would give it back to us. They're
Speaker 1: the best, honestly, so good what honeys?
Speaker 4: So, tell me a little bit more about your money story.
Speaker 4: So obviously had a relatively positive money upbringing, but then
Speaker 4: you're becoming an adult. What does that look like?
Speaker 1: Yeah, So, unfortunately for me, I guess some of the
Speaker 1: trauma started before I was an adult, which is a
Speaker 1: bit concerning. So first of all, good things being that
Speaker 1: I started my first job when I was fourteen nine months,
Speaker 1: got in there with saving, had some good money habits
Speaker 1: already again, didn't understand the concept of tax and I
Speaker 1: had a manager or an employer who liked to pay
Speaker 1: people cash in hand, and at the time I didn't realize,
Speaker 1: you know the implications of that, not having super being
Speaker 1: paid that kind of thing. Then, when I was seventeen,
Speaker 1: I met a man who was twenty five, and he
Speaker 1: had worked in a shop near where I worked, and
Speaker 1: he was interested in me, and we ended up starting dating,
Speaker 1: which obviously very decent age gap there.
Speaker 4: You would have thought that was so fancy. At seventeen,
Speaker 4: you would have been like, this man is mature.
Speaker 1: I was talking to my partner about this last night
Speaker 1: and I said, I just remember being like, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: it's so cool, like he's so grown up. Wow, I
Speaker 1: love that.
Speaker 4: And he thinks I'm mature.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and he's got money, he's got a job, like
Speaker 1: this is so cool, which obviously like not cool now.
Speaker 1: And now I was a grown hospital and I can.
Speaker 4: Be like, oh, that feels a bit wrong.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I remember being like when I was twenty five
Speaker 1: and being like, oh my gosh, I can't believe that
Speaker 1: this man was interested in a seventeen year old.
Speaker 4: You're like, this feels like a red flag now, how strange.
Speaker 1: Oh gosh, so many red flags. It's not even funny.
Speaker 1: But look, so I started to see this guy, met him,
Speaker 1: and like it wasn't even to I only ever had
Speaker 1: like two people ever say anything about the age gap,
Speaker 1: and they were people that were in my year at school.
Speaker 1: That I went friends with, so obviously I was like, Oh,
Speaker 1: they're just jealous, or they're just whatever, or and so
Speaker 1: I didn't think like anything of it. No one ever
Speaker 1: said anything about it to me.
Speaker 4: Like not even your family or with like your parents
Speaker 4: or anyone.
Speaker 1: No. And that's the thing is, I think that maybe
Speaker 1: at one point they tried to express concern as best
Speaker 1: as they could, but it wasn't necessarily the best.
Speaker 4: Oh you're seventeen, you're not listening.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I remember once asking her saying, you know, why
Speaker 1: didn't you stop me? And this was at the point
Speaker 1: when I'd already been married, and she was like, even
Speaker 1: if I tried, like you were such a determined woman,
Speaker 1: I don't think you would have listened to me. And
Speaker 1: I think it would have made you run faster towards it.
Speaker 4: I mean, smart woman, because she knows you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, she does. She does better than anyone I
Speaker 1: would say. Yeah. So basically, at sixteen seventeen, I got
Speaker 1: my first car and I had my first thousand dollars
Speaker 1: for it that i'd saved up through work, and then
Speaker 1: my parents had loaned me the remaining I think it
Speaker 1: was four thousand. I want to say three or four
Speaker 1: thousand dollars, So I started paying that off and then
Speaker 1: I started going out with this guy, and I remember thinking,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, he's got it all together, like he
Speaker 1: knows what he's doing with his money. Blah blah blah.
Speaker 1: We went out on our first date and I remembering like,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I can order anything on the menu,
Speaker 1: Like this is so crazy. And I think the bill
Speaker 1: came to something like one hundred and fifty dollars.
Speaker 4: But that feels crazy.
Speaker 1: Yeah, honestly, it felt like so much money and he
Speaker 1: just you know, he just paid the bill and it
Speaker 1: was no problem. I was like, amazing. And then later
Speaker 1: I actually found out at that exact point in time,
Speaker 1: it was like the last one hundred and fifty dollars
Speaker 1: in his bank account, and he was thinking he wasn't
Speaker 1: actually going to be able to afford the bill. So
Speaker 1: he one hundred percent love bombed me, Like now I
Speaker 1: can see that for sure. Within two weeks of like,
Speaker 1: you know, going out, it was like I love you,
Speaker 1: like genuinely, and under two weeks said that he loved me,
Speaker 1: and then by like the third or fourth week, he
Speaker 1: had this mental snap and he just went from being
Speaker 1: you know, seemingly like functionally had his life together to
Speaker 1: very mentally unwell, you know, not coping with life, very
Speaker 1: like depressed and down anxious, which now I can see
Speaker 1: and say like he was always like that, and how
Speaker 1: much of that was calculated, I wouldn't be able to
Speaker 1: say for sure. So then throughout that year, I was
Speaker 1: in year twelve, I was dating him throughout that year,
Speaker 1: and I think that was the first thing kind of
Speaker 1: put my money off a bit. And I can't obviously
Speaker 1: I can't blame all of that on him, but I
Speaker 1: think that I was trying to keep up with him
Speaker 1: at what he was doing, So I was spending a
Speaker 1: lot of money. I keep in mind, I think at
Speaker 1: that point in time, earning something like fifteen dollars an
Speaker 1: hour at the cafe, Like it's not big money.
Speaker 4: Yeah, but that's everything that you have, and keeping up
Speaker 4: with a full time adult lifestyle when you're a child
Speaker 4: who's just earning essentially pocket money is a big ask.
Speaker 1: Yeah, ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous. Then fast forward after that, I
Speaker 1: guess I went through high school, I started university, and
Speaker 1: I at this point so just before starting UNI actually,
Speaker 1: so I guess the end of that year. I was eighteen,
Speaker 1: and it was a month after my eighteenth birthday and
Speaker 1: I was going to get a credit card. It was
Speaker 1: a one thousand dollars credit card and it was just
Speaker 1: for fun spending, like nothing important at all, and I
Speaker 1: very very quickly maxed it out. That's what I learned about,
Speaker 1: like you know how you can I was got overdraft. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I remember going into calls and it was like
Speaker 1: two dollars over and it went through and I was like,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I can do this. I was like,
Speaker 1: I can take more money. And then I remember trying
Speaker 1: again and then it being rejected and I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: and I don't have any money left in my bank account.
Speaker 1: So there was that he had a car loan and
Speaker 1: when I was eighteen, so very soon after that we decided,
Speaker 1: I see that it was a really good idea to consolidate.
Speaker 4: Oh perfect, Yeah, so great thinkin know what from his perspective,
Speaker 4: that's genius. What a man.
Speaker 1: I honestly, again, talking to my partner last night, we
Speaker 1: were talking about how dangerous the manipulation was and it
Speaker 1: was so much like it was all the time, and
Speaker 1: I wonder, like I think for a memory that was
Speaker 1: my idea to go, well, how about you know, we
Speaker 1: do this, we join it, I'll help. You're stressed about that,
Speaker 1: But it's like, how much of that was premeditated or
Speaker 1: was it you know, he knew he knew what he
Speaker 1: was doing when he said yes, he absolute knew what
Speaker 1: he was doing, But whether or not he was planned
Speaker 1: out beforehand, Like it's just crazy.
Speaker 4: But even if it wasn't planned out beforehand, Like let's
Speaker 4: say that you're just like the nicest person in the
Speaker 4: entire world and he hadn't dropped any bombs and you
Speaker 4: could literally just see that he was strung. And I
Speaker 4: feel like in a lot of relationships, like you just
Speaker 4: want the best for your partner at the time, right
Speaker 4: because like I'm sure you were head over heels in love.
Speaker 4: You're like, oh my goodness, this is stressing you. Let
Speaker 4: me help. At that point, he's meant to be the
Speaker 4: mature one that says, nah, like this is my thing
Speaker 4: to deal with. You're a child that has just come
Speaker 4: out of you know, school, don't worry about that. Like,
Speaker 4: you know, maybe if we were married or something, we
Speaker 4: could have these conversations, because it's like way down the line,
Speaker 4: but like, why are you essentially taking on your boyfriend's debt.
Speaker 4: One it could have been kindness, but like he took
Speaker 4: your kindness for weakness and took advantage of it. And
Speaker 4: like it doesn't matter whose idea it was, he took
Speaker 4: it and ran with it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know, and it's so terrible when honestly, when
Speaker 1: reflecting on all of his stuff this week, I couldn't.
Speaker 1: It was so hard to track down all the different
Speaker 1: things and to try and properly timeline it because it
Speaker 1: has been quite a while. But it's crazy just to
Speaker 1: reflect on all the things that happened. Yes, so took
Speaker 1: on his debt, and then shortly after decided it was
Speaker 1: a great idea to join finances, which worked out really
Speaker 1: really well.
Speaker 4: Were you living together at this point or were you
Speaker 4: joining finances and you're not even living together?
Speaker 1: No, we didn't live together at this point.
Speaker 4: But you had joint finances, yes, wild but okay, I know,
Speaker 4: I mean, each to their own, but like, there does
Speaker 4: not seem to be any benefit for both people in
Speaker 4: this relationship right now.
Speaker 1: No, not at all, not at all. So yeah, that
Speaker 1: was a bit of fun. Took on our debt joint finances,
Speaker 1: and then I started UNI. So with UNI, I was
Speaker 1: doing like full time hours of work while doing full
Speaker 1: time study. And then throughout this time, like his mental
Speaker 1: health was constantly fluctuating, as it did throughout our whole relationship,
Speaker 1: and we ended up getting engaged so within at the
Speaker 1: end of my first year of UNI. To do that,
Speaker 1: we took on more debt. So I can't actually remember
Speaker 1: one hundred percent how much we took on at this
Speaker 1: point in time, but we consolidated what was already there.
Speaker 1: We then took on and at least the seven thousand
Speaker 1: dollars that paid for my engagement ring, and then there
Speaker 1: was like a few other little bits of money. I
Speaker 1: can't remember what it was for, but there was a
Speaker 1: little bit. So at that point it was at least
Speaker 1: seventeen grand I think it was closer to nineteen at
Speaker 1: that point. Then I ended up starting at a different university.
Speaker 1: I've changed degrees, and there was lots of commuting, there
Speaker 1: was car problems, and then living together again. Can hardly
Speaker 1: afford anything, really, because I'm a unique student. I changed
Speaker 1: degrees and it gets to the end of my first
Speaker 1: year of my new degree and I didn't have enough
Speaker 1: money to afford to renew my regio. So I sold
Speaker 1: my car, ended up using combination of my money and
Speaker 1: I think some of the loan to then buy two
Speaker 1: new cars, because you know, he couldn't afford to keep
Speaker 1: his car, so we sold his as well. Got two
Speaker 1: new cars that had constant issues, were absolute trash and
Speaker 1: required so much more money to go into them to
Speaker 1: kind of repair and keep them going. After that, we
Speaker 1: ended up getting married, So the following year we got married.
Speaker 1: Now after the wedding, I think I was so fatigued
Speaker 1: from all of that planning, so I basically said to him, Hey,
Speaker 1: can you take over doing some of this money management
Speaker 1: stuff because I can't do it. I'm so tired. I
Speaker 1: got too much with UNI, and he said yeah, sure,
Speaker 1: And then it kind of turned out that he wasn't
Speaker 1: actually managing our money. He was just kind of like
Speaker 1: watching it leave our bank account. But I remember I
Speaker 1: became a parent when I was at UNI that our
Speaker 1: finances were really, really bad, and I'd always said no
Speaker 1: Toice Center Link and I finally was like, no, I'm
Speaker 1: going to do it. And it was just my own bias
Speaker 1: that had helped me back in the first place about it,
Speaker 1: But that then meant that I got student startup loans
Speaker 1: at the start. I believe it's the start of the
Speaker 1: semester when you get them, not the start of the year.
Speaker 1: I had a look at the balance yesterday and that
Speaker 1: ended up being twenty two hundred and seventy three dollars
Speaker 1: for that debt. And I got audited and they were like, okay,
Speaker 1: so you should have been reporting your partner's income. And
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, but I reached out to you
Speaker 1: and I had said that the website wasn't letting me
Speaker 1: track his income, and they were like, oh, yeah, no, no,
Speaker 1: that was a web error on our part. You should
Speaker 1: have been tracking his income. And they were like, you've
Speaker 1: got to pay back everything that we have given you
Speaker 1: because you don't qualify because we were married. So they
Speaker 1: looked at our income as combined, and they ended up
Speaker 1: letting me do forty dollars a fortnight was what I
Speaker 1: ended up paying, and that was like scraping the bottom
Speaker 1: of the barrel. So yeah, there was paying all of
Speaker 1: that back. I remember first wanting to leave him three
Speaker 1: months after our wedding. It was the first time I
Speaker 1: was like, holy shit, I have made a terrible mistake,
Speaker 1: and I think It just got to this point after
Speaker 1: our wedding, when I was hanging out with two male
Speaker 1: friends of mine. One was gay, one's not, and he
Speaker 1: got really really jealous and really insecure about the friend
Speaker 1: who was straight, and was just like, this man is
Speaker 1: a threat to me. And he did like a whole
Speaker 1: lot of horrible things, the manipulation and telling my family
Speaker 1: lies about me and saying I was cheating on him
Speaker 1: and that kind of thing, and really trying to isolate
Speaker 1: me from my family, trying to get them on his
Speaker 1: side and not be on my side because I, you know,
Speaker 1: I was a terrible person who did the bad thing.
Speaker 1: It was at that point that I was like I
Speaker 1: can't do this anymore. And I remember reaching out to
Speaker 1: my parents and being like, I can't do this. I
Speaker 1: need to come and stay with you. And I think
Speaker 1: this is the one thing that I know that they
Speaker 1: would have felt terrible about. It now is something I've
Speaker 1: touched on with my mum since then, but at the
Speaker 1: time they had said like, no, this is something that
Speaker 1: you two need to sort out between yourselves. I tried
Speaker 1: reaching out for help and I was like, I can't
Speaker 1: do this, and it wasn't there, and I had no
Speaker 1: one else to turn to, and I remember looking at
Speaker 1: my finances going, I am in so much debt and
Speaker 1: I have no way to pay it off, and I
Speaker 1: can't afford to do this on my own. So after
Speaker 1: that point, it was like setting constant goals. So it
Speaker 1: was like, you know, I'll wait till the end of
Speaker 1: the lease, or I'll wait till the end of semester,
Speaker 1: and I was setting these constant goals for myself to
Speaker 1: be like I will break up with him at this point.
Speaker 1: But at that point in time, I think that was
Speaker 1: the first time I realized I have no money and
Speaker 1: I'm stuck here and I can't get out of this
Speaker 1: without him.
Speaker 4: That's so stressful, and like it makes my heart break
Speaker 4: that you're like trying to set goals into the future
Speaker 4: to be like, Okay, I can leave here, and like
Speaker 4: I'm sure there are people listening going, oh my god,
Speaker 4: that's me right now, or that was me, and like
Speaker 4: it sucks so much because you knew what you wanted,
Speaker 4: but knew you couldn't have it yet because like your
Speaker 4: safety was compromised, or you know, you weren't sure how
Speaker 4: you'd be financially stable, and I just I just never
Speaker 4: want women to be in that position, Like I want
Speaker 4: everyone to be in a position where money dised. If
Speaker 4: you were like, I'm out, I would have been like, yes, queen,
Speaker 4: you're like, well, I already packed my bags and I'm gone.
Speaker 4: Like I just want people to have the ability to
Speaker 4: leave any situation they don't want to be in. And
Speaker 4: I just know that that's it's not the reality, is it.
Speaker 1: No, it's not at all. And I think I agree
Speaker 1: with you so much, Like I don't ever want anybody
Speaker 1: to be stuck in a situation like that ever, because
Speaker 1: it was horrible. It was a terrible situation that he
Speaker 1: was really not a nice man, right, he was so
Speaker 1: good that I remember my sister being like to me,
Speaker 1: you know, like it's okay, you just need to like
Speaker 1: apologize for what you've done and you know, just acknowledge it.
Speaker 1: You guys can like can move on from there. Blah
Speaker 1: blah blah.
Speaker 4: Absolutely not.
Speaker 1: And it actually wasn't until I'm going to say a
Speaker 1: year after that that one of my sisters reached out
Speaker 1: to me and was like, I am so sorry. I've
Speaker 1: had people talking about my personal life and interfering with
Speaker 1: my life. And I realized that maybe what you were
Speaker 1: saying to me was true. And I'm so sorry I
Speaker 1: didn't believe you, but I think to yeah, just to
Speaker 1: have a bit of support and have someone in your
Speaker 1: corner to go actually, I see you.
Speaker 4: So did this man know that you wanted to leave?
Speaker 4: Like were you having these arguments that were like I
Speaker 4: want to leave or whatever, or was it just like
Speaker 4: you're in the background quietly building a plan to get
Speaker 4: out of this situation, but you just didn't share that
Speaker 4: with him.
Speaker 1: Yet with the first big blow up, So I had
Speaker 1: suggested at one point I said, Okay, well, look, if
Speaker 1: you're basically going to control all of the affection, would
Speaker 1: you consider an open relationship And he had said flat
Speaker 1: out no, I don't when you're doing that, blah blah
Speaker 1: blah blah blah. So I think that was one conversation
Speaker 1: I tried to have because I was like, I want
Speaker 1: to be with you, but you know, there's this whole
Speaker 1: part of our relationship that's lacking. To be honest with you,
Speaker 1: I don't think he knew that I wanted to leave
Speaker 1: until with that big fight, and like with a lot
Speaker 1: of those big fights, with that whole situation, a few weeks.
Speaker 1: At that point was the first time I packed a bag.
Speaker 1: He got really really aggressive. He had one of his
Speaker 1: more aggressive outbursts, and he'd you know, smashed up a
Speaker 1: whole part of our house, throwing a whole bunch of
Speaker 1: my stuff out. Was really really threatening. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I think it was that time was the first time
Speaker 1: I'd ever physically felt really unsafe with him, And I
Speaker 1: think that was kind of what triggered me to say,
Speaker 1: come done. And I packed a bag and I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm going, and I think I wasn't home, I'm going
Speaker 1: to say for two nights until he had been like
Speaker 1: just come home, just come home, blah blah blah blah blah,
Speaker 1: and then I'd end up going back. So I think
Speaker 1: that's the only time he knew quite typical that after that,
Speaker 1: any time that I was, you know, wanted to leave
Speaker 1: or had conversations about it, it was instantly threatening suicide
Speaker 1: and self harm and then talking about, look what you've
Speaker 1: done to my mental health, which was the constant cycle
Speaker 1: of our entire relationship.
Speaker 4: And that's heavy, like that is not fair and for
Speaker 4: anyone listening, that is not your responsibility. And I know
Speaker 4: that that sounds dramatic, and it feels like it is
Speaker 4: your responsibility in that moment. If somebody threatens suicide in
Speaker 4: your relationship, take them seriously and call an ambulance, like seriously,
Speaker 4: if anyone is going to threaten that, be like, okay, cool,
Speaker 4: thank you for sharing that with me. I am going
Speaker 4: to do everything I can to support you, because in
Speaker 4: these situations, people can sometimes use it, as they did
Speaker 4: for you money Dirist, as a manipulation tactic, because I
Speaker 4: can almost guarantee that that was never their intention, because
Speaker 4: they thought that would scare you, not force you into action.
Speaker 4: When he was doing things like threatening suicide. Were you
Speaker 4: taking that seriously or did you kind of think, oh,
Speaker 4: this is him being manipulative, or like how were you
Speaker 4: seeing it in that moment, especially being so young.
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, I believed him. One of the first times
Speaker 1: that it really happened, you know, took him up to hospital,
Speaker 1: went and got him like a mental health assessment, and
Speaker 1: then you know, tried to get some things in place,
Speaker 1: and then as it went on, he was unwell. And
Speaker 1: I do think there are times that he was a
Speaker 1: genuine threat to himself. But again I say that, and
Speaker 1: it's also that was always timed very well. When I
Speaker 1: was doing something well, something in my life was going well,
Speaker 1: and that was often when this would happen. So whether
Speaker 1: or not that was pure manipulation, or if it was,
Speaker 1: you know, he genuinely was like that and you know,
Speaker 1: very jealous or couldn't cope with somebody else having any
Speaker 1: kind of life success, like, I don't know. Towards the
Speaker 1: end it was much more I guess, clinical, whereas earlier
Speaker 1: on it was just absolute fear that the person I
Speaker 1: loved was going to die.
Speaker 4: Yeah, absolutely, and like that unfortunately was the intention. Oh yeah,
Speaker 4: that's exactly what he was trying to do to keep
Speaker 4: you around. And it's so sad, and I don't want
Speaker 4: people thinking that. You know, Victoria doesn't take that seriously,
Speaker 4: I absolutely do. But I've also deeply studied narcissists, and
Speaker 4: that's what they do. Like they want you in a
Speaker 4: position where you don't feel like you can leave because
Speaker 4: they're suddenly feeling like you're losing control or they're losing
Speaker 4: control of the circumstance. And to gain back control, they
Speaker 4: need to gain back power over you, and to gain
Speaker 4: that power, they threaten their lives and it's so messed
Speaker 4: up because mental health is something that we need to
Speaker 4: take so seriously. But I think that a lot of
Speaker 4: the time they don't think you're going to take this seriously.
Speaker 4: They think you're going to be scared and not do
Speaker 4: anything and go, oh my god, please don't do that.
Speaker 4: I love you, It's all good, don't worry. But the
Speaker 4: reality is the way we need to be responding to
Speaker 4: that in an ideal world is doing exactly what you
Speaker 4: were doing towards the end. Right, get in the car,
Speaker 4: We're going to hospital.
Speaker 1: And I think too, like the one big thing as well,
Speaker 1: is like, it's not your fault their mental health and
Speaker 1: their behavior, especially like in cases like this, it's not
Speaker 1: actually on you, like it's on them. It's their behavior
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, Like it wasn't my
Speaker 1: fault for doing well in UNI or in life, you know,
Speaker 1: to make him feel that way, it's not on me.
Speaker 1: And I think that took a long time to actually accept.
Speaker 4: So talk to me, you God, through all of this,
Speaker 4: you still hadn't left. How did you ultimately end up leaving?
Speaker 1: So I finished my degree, I moved to the city,
Speaker 1: and he didn't get a job. So I applied for
Speaker 1: every job I remember coming home one day after training
Speaker 1: for my job and I sat down and I applied
Speaker 1: for him for every single job on every job platform
Speaker 1: that you can think of, and sat there with him.
Speaker 1: I literally helped redo his resume, got everything up to date,
Speaker 1: and basically sat there and was like, is this something
Speaker 1: you're interested is this something you're interested in? And went
Speaker 1: through and applied for absolutely everything. He said maybe too.
Speaker 1: After that he got a job and then started his training,
Speaker 1: and I think at this point in time, so this
Speaker 1: was we have been married for two and a bit years.
Speaker 1: At this point in time, it kind of got to
Speaker 1: this point where I started to know is obviously I'm
Speaker 1: earning post degree money, so it's a bit more money,
Speaker 1: and I was just seeing how much of it was
Speaker 1: kind of going to him. At this point in time,
Speaker 1: I found like another financial planner, Australian financial planner, who's
Speaker 1: you know, used to really this still I'm pretty sure
Speaker 1: all over like YouTube and stuff at the time.
Speaker 4: Is that Canna, Yes, yeah, yeah, I love Canna, Yeah yeah.
Speaker 4: I was like YouTube YouTube that time, Canna yeah yeah.
Speaker 1: And honestly I learned so much from her about the
Speaker 1: importance of, you know, having an emergency fund and you know,
Speaker 1: having this extra money and getting yourself out of debt,
Speaker 1: it really set a good foundation for me. And that
Speaker 1: kind of opened my eyes toir what my financial situation was,
Speaker 1: because keep in mind, at this point in time, I
Speaker 1: think quit well over thirty thousand dollars in debt. At
Speaker 1: that point in.
Speaker 4: Time, Yeah, you would have felt so stuck, like so stuck.
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, it was terrible. It was so bad.
Speaker 1: And I remember him being so angry at me because
Speaker 1: I said, look, this is how much money we can
Speaker 1: work with to have fun money each and I remember
Speaker 1: him being so angry and being like, what do you
Speaker 1: mean that's no money to spend it on? Blah blah blah.
Speaker 1: This is that's all the stuff I want to do,
Speaker 1: but that's no money. And I remember being like, we
Speaker 1: don't have any more money, Like this is stretching it
Speaker 1: as thin as we can.
Speaker 4: Yeah, exactly where is that coming from?
Speaker 1: We're in debt, Yeah, so much debt. And look, so
Speaker 1: I was in my first year of working, like I
Speaker 1: was doing well, I'd started my first full time job,
Speaker 1: and I think he really really struggled with that. He
Speaker 1: just couldn't accept it. And I started to see more
Speaker 1: and more like fights were even more constant. That manipulation
Speaker 1: and lack of affection again was still so apparent. It
Speaker 1: was every day. I remember riding in my calendar an
Speaker 1: ex for every day that we didn't have an argument. No,
Speaker 1: there were some months with like no days, and I
Speaker 1: was like being like, oh, well, if it gets better,
Speaker 1: then we'll try and work on it, or if it
Speaker 1: stays like this, then I'll leave. So again, constant goal setting.
Speaker 1: It got to this point where I was like I
Speaker 1: was taking on a lot of that financial responsibility, and
Speaker 1: I was like, I actually want some of this money
Speaker 1: that I have earned for myself.
Speaker 4: Yeah, of course, and like you deserve that, but you
Speaker 4: probably were being talked out of the fact that you did,
Speaker 4: because remember, we should be sharing money.
Speaker 1: Did start a business. I was a pet and I
Speaker 1: remember saying something about what I now know is a
Speaker 1: binding financial agreement. So what I now know is a BFA.
Speaker 1: I had literally been like, oh, if my business starts
Speaker 1: to kind of take off, I want to kind of
Speaker 1: put this into place. And I remember him blowing up
Speaker 1: at me because we're married and I should you know,
Speaker 1: be in toime to that, Rara, And it's not like,
Speaker 1: you know, we're going to break up, and it was
Speaker 1: so over the top.
Speaker 4: Oh, no, we are. We are absolutely going to break up.
Speaker 1: Oh honey.
Speaker 4: The reason you're being defensive is you're so worried I'm
Speaker 4: going to break up with you because I'm now successful
Speaker 4: and you're not going to be able to get a
Speaker 4: part of that. Because anyone with their right mind on
Speaker 4: that genuinely doesn't relieve they're going to break up. They're like, yeah,
Speaker 4: i'll sign your dumb BFA. We don't need it, but
Speaker 4: sure like no one else cares.
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly. If I said that to my partner right now,
Speaker 1: he'd be like, cool, let's get it done.
Speaker 4: That's literally what my husband did. When I was like, hey, cool,
Speaker 4: so we're going to move in together and I have
Speaker 4: a business. He was like, yeah, right, whatever, where do
Speaker 4: you want me to sign? And I remember being like
Speaker 4: green flag, Yeah, it is a right. I was like,
Speaker 4: this is actually very sexy. So you're saying you don't
Speaker 4: even care that much about the binding financial agreement because
Speaker 4: you just don't think we're going to need it. That
Speaker 4: is very hot, It is, right, Yeah, like the things
Speaker 4: we find sexy. Now we're a little bit older, we're like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 4: so you unloaded the dish without being asked. Wild, Yeah,
Speaker 4: it is.
Speaker 1: It's crazy, isn't it. I'd never got the BFA into place.
Speaker 1: But then we did eventually like split finances, and as
Speaker 1: soon as we split finances, I was able to save
Speaker 1: and I started putting aside more and more money, and
Speaker 1: I started to build up my emergency fund, which was great.
Speaker 1: And also at this point in time, we decided to
Speaker 1: consolidate our debt because there was a lot of it.
Speaker 4: And I mean, that's not a terrible idea in the
Speaker 4: grand scheme of things, like because you probably were dropping
Speaker 4: your interest right and like just getting everything in order right.
Speaker 1: Yes, And honestly, if I hadn't been listening to Canna,
Speaker 1: I wouldn't have ever known how high my interest rate was.
Speaker 1: It was ridiculous. I wouldn't be able to tell you
Speaker 1: what it is now, because keep in mind we'd already consolidated.
Speaker 1: I think it was once or twice at this point
Speaker 1: in time, so we had two loans. I want to say,
Speaker 1: because then I remember looking at it going, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: we can get it. It was something like a nine percent
Speaker 1: interest rate with ing or an eight percent with ing,
Speaker 1: but they only did at the time single person loan.
Speaker 4: Yeah, so I had to go into one person's name
Speaker 4: and it was yours, wasn't it. Yeah, sure, tell me
Speaker 4: what happened once it was all in your.
Speaker 1: Name, so all in my name signed to pay things off.
Speaker 1: It was going well. I was able to put a
Speaker 1: side more money, I was getting a lot more educated,
Speaker 1: which was great. And that was when I was like,
Speaker 1: I can't do this shit anymore. And I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm done. And so I ended up having the conversation.
Speaker 1: I said, cool, let's end this. It was a process
Speaker 1: and it ended up being one that we double backed on.
Speaker 1: I said, okay, fine, let's try it again. That happened
Speaker 1: twice within this a three month period, and it got
Speaker 1: to this one point I said no, okay. I was like,
Speaker 1: we're done. This isn't good for either of us, and
Speaker 1: then we broke up. So we lived together for a
Speaker 1: few weeks before finding our own places. It was uncomfortable,
Speaker 1: it was awkward, of course, it was oh yeah, it's
Speaker 1: so rough, like it was just it's not nice. And
Speaker 1: I think at this point this is when it was
Speaker 1: really easy that when he you know, again, threatened self
Speaker 1: harm and I remember just like being like cool, I'd
Speaker 1: finished work for the day and I was like great,
Speaker 1: just got home and I said, cool, get in the car.
Speaker 1: We're going straight to the hospital, and again took him
Speaker 1: straight up to the hospital, went there, sat and then
Speaker 1: waited him to be seeing SESS, got a plan in place,
Speaker 1: and then back home for it all the whole cycle
Speaker 1: to play out again. But that was all right. I
Speaker 1: think it was just that, you know, getting it done
Speaker 1: and just being like I'm not tolerating anymore, like this
Speaker 1: just needs to happen, because I think that point, I
Speaker 1: finally had this money and I could finally see that
Speaker 1: there was an end goal and I could get out
Speaker 1: of this. There was a light, Yeah, there was there
Speaker 1: was any Look, it shouldn't have taken so long, but
Speaker 1: I was like twenty three and I was like, I
Speaker 1: can get out of.
Speaker 4: This eye one hundred percent. And this is what frustrates
Speaker 4: me so much, and like, I'm glad that your situation wasn't,
Speaker 4: you know, as dire as some women's, but like people
Speaker 4: who say, why didn't you leave earlier? Like get in
Speaker 4: the actual bin? How how was I meant to leave earlier?
Speaker 4: And even if I could have left earlier. It's like,
Speaker 4: you know how you said before, you know, we tried
Speaker 4: it a few times before we did it, Like we
Speaker 4: didn't get married with the intention of getting a divorce.
Speaker 4: Like there's always that like small little thread of hope
Speaker 4: that maybe we could fix this, Like I did fall
Speaker 4: in love with this person for a reason. I do
Speaker 4: genuinely in in my heart of hearts, I wanted this
Speaker 4: to work out. And I think that you have that
Speaker 4: little glimmer of optimism, especially when you're not a narcissist.
Speaker 4: You're like, oh, like, you know, I believe in the
Speaker 4: best in people, and I really think that they could
Speaker 4: get through this. But on the flip side, they're like,
Speaker 4: I reckon, I could manipulator again, Like it's just the
Speaker 4: most cooked situation.
Speaker 1: Literally, and they're very well versed at it. And I think, yeah,
Speaker 1: you are. When people say, you know, why don't they
Speaker 1: leave sooner? Or you know, he did that once, so
Speaker 1: you know surely he's going to do it again, Like
Speaker 1: you don't know that at the time, and you've always
Speaker 1: got this constant hope that you know, oh, he's going
Speaker 1: to get better. It's just his mental health, like he's
Speaker 1: going to be okay, We're going to be okay, and no,
Speaker 1: like like I'm going to be okay. Now, I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm going to be okay. But at the time I
Speaker 1: was in his trap, and I think that's what happens
Speaker 1: to so many people, and unfortunately like women in particular.
Speaker 4: Yeah, exactly, all right, let's go to a really quick break.
Speaker 4: All right, we are back and you're doing this, you're
Speaker 4: living together. It's not very comfortable. What happens next.
Speaker 1: So moving out and he doesn't have any money, so
Speaker 1: I lent him. I think it was like a thousand
Speaker 1: dollars something like that, fifteen hundred something like that. So
Speaker 1: he's got that money, and then you know, I help
Speaker 1: him move whatever, and then my life starts going on
Speaker 1: a really nice, good, positive trajectory.
Speaker 4: As it should, Yes, as it should.
Speaker 1: I didn't know how bad it all was. Still at
Speaker 1: this point in time, I hadn't really seen all the light,
Speaker 1: and so we were still talking, still friendly. I finished
Speaker 1: a qualified for work, and I moved out regional and
Speaker 1: at one point he came back to visit, and I
Speaker 1: remember when he did this trip. He was also doing
Speaker 1: like a big trip around the state, and he asked
Speaker 1: to borrow more money, and I lent him again. I'm
Speaker 1: going to say it was about a grand again, So
Speaker 1: I lent him money that time. But this is kind
Speaker 1: of I guess where for me my financial story starts
Speaker 1: to go on out, which is when I moved to
Speaker 1: the country. I've obviously got this one loan and I
Speaker 1: had said to him, look, I'm gonna keep paying it.
Speaker 1: You keep paying me the money, I'll keep paying the loan.
Speaker 1: So he did, so that was okay, and it got
Speaker 1: to a point where I was earning really good money
Speaker 1: because in my job, I was getting like really good
Speaker 1: penalty rates and I was on call. So within three
Speaker 1: months of being regional, and at this point that was
Speaker 1: I'm going to say six months after I left him,
Speaker 1: I had paid off the debt. So at this point
Speaker 1: it had been able to be narrowed down. That had
Speaker 1: been seventeen or something seventeen or eighteen thousand when we
Speaker 1: first got the loan, and then at this point there
Speaker 1: was ten left. And literally I saved up the ten
Speaker 1: grand and I was like, I'm just chucking it on
Speaker 1: the loan. I was like, I don't want this loan anymore.
Speaker 1: And I saved up the ten grand and I chucked
Speaker 1: it on the loan and then it was gone. And
Speaker 1: I said to him, look, if you want to just
Speaker 1: keep paying me, I'm going to pay off the loan,
Speaker 1: or you happy that He said, yeap, cool, that's fine.
Speaker 1: I said, there's no need to pay interest, just keep
Speaker 1: paying me what you owe me. At this point, I
Speaker 1: still owed my parents' money. So after I paid off
Speaker 1: that loan, I paid off the Center Link loan, so
Speaker 1: I had again all the repayments I had to pay back,
Speaker 1: and then the startup loan because I had paid the
Speaker 1: repayments initially, and I left the startup loan for a
Speaker 1: few months, and then I was like, why do I
Speaker 1: have this? Like, I was like, I don't need this.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I've got to get rid of it. It doesn't
Speaker 4: feel good.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it does it at all. And I got rid
Speaker 1: of it, and then I paid my mom and dad
Speaker 1: back and it was the last thing I had to
Speaker 1: pay back, was my mum and dad.
Speaker 4: That would have felt so good.
Speaker 1: Oh, the weight off my shoulders. I felt like I
Speaker 1: could breathe again. And again he still owed me that money,
Speaker 1: but he was paying it regularly, which was good. Fast forward,
Speaker 1: I come back to the city I'm working in the
Speaker 1: city perhaps cop Sydney vntal prices, which is just heartbreaking
Speaker 1: to anyone. And he was still paying me money, which
Speaker 1: was good. And then go to about two years ago
Speaker 1: and because again he still owed me a bit more
Speaker 1: money and.
Speaker 4: I still at that point still.
Speaker 1: Still still yeah yeah. Years later and he was just
Speaker 1: paying like a small amount every week when he got paid.
Speaker 1: And I actually remember at one point calling him, and
Speaker 1: it was during COVID and I was calling him to
Speaker 1: be like I was going to say, hey, like, do
Speaker 1: you think we can increase how much of paying me?
Speaker 1: And he actually was like, hey, I wanted to talk.
Speaker 1: She as well, I'm glad we're talking. I was actually
Speaker 1: going to ask you if we could decrease how much
Speaker 1: I'm paying you. Blah blah blah. So I ended up
Speaker 1: saying yes.
Speaker 4: Oh, you are just a very kind human.
Speaker 1: But look yeah, so no, I ended up saying yeah
Speaker 1: or whatever. Anyways, a few months later, he calls me says, hey,
Speaker 1: I can go back to paying you the amount that
Speaker 1: I was before. I was like great, but I remember saying, look,
Speaker 1: actually my partner and I are looking at buying a house.
Speaker 1: And he goes, oh, it must be nice, right, I
Speaker 1: just c winish at me. I was like, so, I
Speaker 1: am working in healthcare and COVID you take a seat,
Speaker 1: all right, you take a damn seat. I was like,
Speaker 1: not having it.
Speaker 4: Sit down, just you know what, sit in the back right.
Speaker 1: So he's still paying back. Still, that manipulation didn't stop
Speaker 1: even when I'm in a new relationship. It was text
Speaker 1: messages threatening suicide, contacting my family. At one point sent
Speaker 1: a suicide note to my family jeez as if like
Speaker 1: I had blocked his details, so he sent it to
Speaker 1: one as so can consider it. My dad with PTSD,
Speaker 1: sent it to him and then sent it to my sister,
Speaker 1: who had like, you know, a young child a lot
Speaker 1: on her play.
Speaker 4: Absolutely not, how dare you? Did you call an ambulance
Speaker 4: because that's exactly what I would have done.
Speaker 1: My dad did. So I was asleep, I finished night shift,
Speaker 1: and I woke up to this message and I called
Speaker 1: him and he ended up saying, look, I'm okay, I've
Speaker 1: called an ambulance and I've gone to hospital. And it
Speaker 1: wasn't until a few days later when I spoke to
Speaker 1: my family and it turned out that he had messaged
Speaker 1: my dad he'd message my sister and they were together
Speaker 1: at the time. My parents were visiting her.
Speaker 4: Oh I'm glad that they were, though, because that could
Speaker 4: have been incredibly isolating.
Speaker 1: Oh so horrible. My dad ended up calling police and said,
Speaker 1: I needed to go to a welfare check on this address.
Speaker 4: One hundred percent that's exactly what you should have done.
Speaker 1: So again, lying again, it wasn't him who called an ambulance.
Speaker 1: It was my dad that he didn't tell me he
Speaker 1: had sent a message to as well. It didn't end there.
Speaker 1: It still, you know, kept happening, and he's still an
Speaker 1: eternal victim. Post of a year after that situation, I
Speaker 1: just opened my bank account one day, and this point
Speaker 1: there's like two grand left on the ig loan that
Speaker 1: he owed me, and there was the say, two two
Speaker 1: and a half thousand that I had lent him just afterwards,
Speaker 1: and it was just in my account. So I called
Speaker 1: him and I was like, hey, what's the guy. I
Speaker 1: was like, thank you so much. It's just you know,
Speaker 1: like thanks for moving that money over. And he's yeah,
Speaker 1: you're welcome, and I was like, oh, so are you,
Speaker 1: And he goes, what do you mean, and I said, well,
Speaker 1: I would say thank you if I lent someone money
Speaker 1: and you know I've been paying it back, and he goes,
Speaker 1: you didn't let me money, Rah rah rah, And I
Speaker 1: remember him screaming at the phone, sorry what I know
Speaker 1: he lost it, and I just remember said it and
Speaker 1: I was like, I don't need to hear this. And
Speaker 1: I just remember sitting there with the phone like held
Speaker 1: away from my face, hearing him scream, and I was like,
Speaker 1: this isn't my life anymore, and I'm so grateful. And
Speaker 1: I just sat there and I was like, okay, all right,
Speaker 1: well all the best. I'm going to go. I heart
Speaker 1: the phone and I sent a message to all my
Speaker 1: sisters and I said, hey, if he contacts you or
Speaker 1: if he wants to spend time with you, don't tell
Speaker 1: me about it. I don't want to know. He's not
Speaker 1: a nice man. He is not a good person, and
Speaker 1: I suggest you don't spend time with him. I'm not
Speaker 1: going to tell you not to, but I don't think
Speaker 1: he's someone that should be around your families or your children.
Speaker 4: You're a better person than me. I would have been like,
Speaker 4: do not talk to this person like I would have
Speaker 4: cut them. No, Nope, you're a better human than I'll ever.
Speaker 1: Be no, don't so that not at all. I didn't
Speaker 1: ever want to put anyone in a position where they
Speaker 1: felt controlled or felt like they were obliged to do something.
Speaker 1: But I was like, I don't want this man in
Speaker 1: my life. I said, don't tell me. If he contacts you,
Speaker 1: don't tell him anything about me. And I blocked him
Speaker 1: on everything except for his phone number. So that was that.
Speaker 1: After that, at that point, one of my best friends
Speaker 1: was like, oh my gosh, you need to get that
Speaker 1: money back, blah blah blah. And then other one was like, girl,
Speaker 1: I think you're seeing it, and I was like, I
Speaker 1: don't care. At that point, it's like two.
Speaker 4: And a half grand, yep, just wipe that off.
Speaker 1: I'm done. I don't want that. And again, now I
Speaker 1: can look at it. I'm never getting that money back
Speaker 1: from him, but I don't really care, Like the peace
Speaker 1: of mind I have now is so much more important.
Speaker 4: Yeah, one hundred percent.
Speaker 1: So look, that was the big foundational trauma side of
Speaker 1: my money story.
Speaker 4: That is heavy and hard, and I'm so grateful that
Speaker 4: you took the time to share it. But what on earth?
Speaker 4: But now you're out the other side, right, like you've
Speaker 4: come out the other side. You mentioned a few times,
Speaker 4: like you're working in healthcare. Tell me what do you
Speaker 4: wear and what is your job?
Speaker 2: Now?
Speaker 1: Yes, okay, so I am a paramedic and paramedic manager me.
Speaker 4: The whole time. Call a paramedic, col a paramedic and
Speaker 4: you're like, yeah, that's me.
Speaker 1: Babe, s me hey, hi queen as we No. Literally
Speaker 1: I remember one of those days when I finished work
Speaker 1: and I had taken a patient to that hospital. At
Speaker 1: the end of the day, I went home and I
Speaker 1: took him straight back to the nurse that I had
Speaker 1: handed over my patient too, and she was like, ah,
Speaker 1: and it's just that, like you know, even in the city,
Speaker 1: even in the city, it happens. You know, like you
Speaker 1: see those same people in your personal life that you
Speaker 1: see in your work life, and it's just you know,
Speaker 1: not just a small town thing.
Speaker 4: Yeah, one hundred percent. That would have been jarring for
Speaker 4: both of you.
Speaker 1: I think, yeah, I think the good thing at that point,
Speaker 1: like we were done at that point, so it was
Speaker 1: kind of I could be a little bit separate and
Speaker 1: be like this is my friend, not this is my husband,
Speaker 1: which was good.
Speaker 4: No, that is so good.
Speaker 1: So my base rate is one hundred and fifteen thousand.
Speaker 1: I rely heavily on penalties.
Speaker 4: I was about to say, please tell me you get
Speaker 4: a lot of penalties, because like one hundred and fifteen
Speaker 4: thousand like good salary, but not enough for what you do.
Speaker 1: No, it's a big win. It's gone up in the
Speaker 1: last couple of years, but I think it doesn't equate
Speaker 1: to what we do. But that's okay. I'm not ungrateful.
Speaker 1: I am really happy. And a massive benefit being that
Speaker 1: we get lots of really good penalties with that. So
Speaker 1: unfortunately it's very rare that we actually get our breaks,
Speaker 1: but we do get paid a penalty for every break
Speaker 1: that we miss.
Speaker 4: Yeah. Good.
Speaker 1: We also get paid overtime, so the second that you
Speaker 1: go into overtime, like you're one minute in, you get
Speaker 1: paid overtime. So last year with penalties, I earned one
Speaker 1: hundred and thirty one thousand. At the moment, I am
Speaker 1: on track to earn one hundred and fifty nine thousand.
Speaker 4: Oh my god. That means you're doing so much extra work.
Speaker 1: Yes i am. I also have stepped into a new
Speaker 1: role in the last year, which does pay a lot
Speaker 1: more the base rate for that one Off the top
Speaker 1: of my head is one hundred and twenty three thousand,
Speaker 1: so I am earning more at the moment than what
Speaker 1: I normally do. Again, with that as well, we still
Speaker 1: earn the same penalty. So if you miss a meal,
Speaker 1: if you finish late, if you you know, get a
Speaker 1: call out, that kind of thing, you do get penalties
Speaker 1: as well.
Speaker 4: I think this is so important. But how are you
Speaker 4: as a paramedic look after yourself in these situations? Because, like,
Speaker 4: as you said, you worked through COVID and now we're
Speaker 4: learning you're a paramedic, Like that would have been a lot.
Speaker 4: But then also you're not just dealing with you know,
Speaker 4: Johnny fell off the trampoline every single time, you're dealing
Speaker 4: with so much mental health, you're dealing with, you know,
Speaker 4: arguably so much trauma. How are you looking after yourself?
Speaker 4: So this is a sustainable career.
Speaker 1: Like it's a lot, it really is. And COVID was
Speaker 1: a lot, and it was horrible, and I saw a
Speaker 1: lot of wonderful paramedics burn out so fast. And I
Speaker 1: have friends of mine that have been in the job,
Speaker 1: like they left after less than two years because it
Speaker 1: broke them. So I've always been very passionate about taking
Speaker 1: care of my mental health. My dad was a firefighter
Speaker 1: and he had PTSD and so he was a really
Speaker 1: really good role model for me. So I luckily my
Speaker 1: workplace pays for psychology, which is great. They supply psychologists,
Speaker 1: but I do also I have a private psychologist, so
Speaker 1: I see her regularly. She's lovely, She's a gem. And
Speaker 1: that's just for that matindents and I honestly anyone who's
Speaker 1: ever like there's so much stigma still, which just breaks
Speaker 1: my heart. But like, just go talk to someone. It's
Speaker 1: the best thing. Like they can give you such a
Speaker 1: good perspective, they can help you through so much. So psychology,
Speaker 1: I exercise regularly. I try to eat as best as
Speaker 1: I can, and just you know, catch it with friends
Speaker 1: and actually taking that time to debrief and take care
Speaker 1: of myself and doing those recharging things, you know, spend
Speaker 1: time with people I love, do things that I enjoy.
Speaker 4: No, I love that. I love that. And it sounds
Speaker 4: like you're in a new relationship from the way that
Speaker 4: you're talking. Talk to me about what life looks like
Speaker 4: right now, and do you have any big money goals
Speaker 4: that you're working towards.
Speaker 1: Oh, yes, life's good.
Speaker 4: Hey, like life is so cross it sounds it now.
Speaker 1: Yeah, honestly, so, I have been with my lovely partner
Speaker 1: and I have been together. We got together when I
Speaker 1: was separated. So in Australia, obviously you have to be
Speaker 1: twelve months separated to then get divorced. I'm going to
Speaker 1: say it was eight months. Eight months after separating was
Speaker 1: when my partner and I got together, and we have
Speaker 1: now been together for almost five years now. He's the
Speaker 1: best person, genuinely the best person. He's so great and yeah,
Speaker 1: so it tours a big money goal. So he and
Speaker 1: I just bought our first apartment together.
Speaker 4: Oh, congratulate, I'm exciting.
Speaker 1: Thank you through Zella Money.
Speaker 4: Actually, are you actually one of my clients?
Speaker 1: Yeah, genuinely. Yeah. Oh I love this and.
Speaker 4: I'm so disappointed I didn't know that earlier.
Speaker 1: Well, look, you can't really keep track of every single client,
Speaker 1: Like I feel like that's a lot for one gal.
Speaker 4: I feel like it feels so nasty, like people are
Speaker 4: going to listen and go, how did Victoria not know
Speaker 4: that you were a client? Like that's so bad? Like, thankfully,
Speaker 4: a lot of things don't reach me unless there's an issue,
Speaker 4: and if there's an issue I know, but like, I
Speaker 4: have six full time mortgage brokers with like literally over
Speaker 4: the year, thousands of clients. I wish I knew them
Speaker 4: all personally, but I just I don't get that privilege.
Speaker 4: So I'm hoping that the team has looked after you
Speaker 4: in the best possible way that I've taught them. And
Speaker 4: that's a positive ZEALA money story.
Speaker 1: Oh it is so lovely.
Speaker 4: I'm so proud of them. And the idea that you
Speaker 4: got to settle on your first home that is so exciting.
Speaker 1: Oh it's And honestly, we had this guy that a
Speaker 1: few years ago, my partner and I were looking at buying.
Speaker 1: We saw this guy. He was great whatever it came
Speaker 1: to this time round, and we were like asking him
Speaker 1: questions to seems and he was very much at start,
Speaker 1: it was like, great, let's get you into this home
Speaker 1: because it's been a very long journey to get to
Speaker 1: hear he was then like it got to this point
Speaker 1: where we were asked he was trying to figure out
Speaker 1: we both owned good money, we both had deposits. Do
Speaker 1: we buy a property separately each, do we both buy investments?
Speaker 1: Do we buy one live in? Do we buy one
Speaker 1: investment do we do them together? What do we do?
Speaker 1: When I was asking him questions and I asked about Terran,
Speaker 1: this was the last straw. I said, Look, what would
Speaker 1: our interest rate be looking like if we did one
Speaker 1: on occupied one investment property together? And he goes, depends
Speaker 1: on how many times you change your mind this week?
Speaker 4: Excuse me.
Speaker 1: I was ropeable.
Speaker 4: I would have just been like, okay, cool, no worries
Speaker 4: by Hey, you know what, I'm not gonna lie. I'm
Speaker 4: really glad that happened because I wouldn't have got you
Speaker 4: as a client if he had maintained his relationship properly.
Speaker 1: I know, I literally, I'm like, he is not going
Speaker 1: to get this ongoing commission for thirty years. He is
Speaker 1: not going to get this, you know, first payment. I
Speaker 1: was account and because she said him, I said, look,
Speaker 1: we would like to work with you, but we want
Speaker 1: someone who is aligned to our goals and can support us.
Speaker 1: I understand you do this every day for us. This
Speaker 1: is the first time purchasing property. If you don't think
Speaker 1: you can help us with this, then please tell me.
Speaker 1: And then he just sent through what he thought the
Speaker 1: interest rate would be, didn't acknowledge anything I said, and
Speaker 1: I was like, nah.
Speaker 4: Goodbye, absolutely not. You should never feel like that with
Speaker 4: a financial broker at all. Like at the end of
Speaker 4: the day, Like I know one thing for sure, and
Speaker 4: that's my girls will go above and beyond for our clients.
Speaker 4: Like you change your mind every single day, Like that's fine,
Speaker 4: that's fine, We'll map it out. Like we want you
Speaker 4: to be so secure with the financial decision you're making.
Speaker 4: You've literally never taken on more debt in your life,
Speaker 4: Like this is one of the biggest, if not the
Speaker 4: biggest financial decision you'll ever make, and it is a
Speaker 4: privilege that we get to hold your hand through that process.
Speaker 4: You're allowed to change your mind a million times over.
Speaker 4: Like you want me to map out you want to
Speaker 4: know what's seven fifty eight hundred eight twenty five, six hundred.
Speaker 4: I don't care what it looks like. I will give
Speaker 4: you a scenario and map it out so that you
Speaker 4: go I feel so confident, I'm so ready, Like that's
Speaker 4: what we want to hear.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And honestly I said to her when we had
Speaker 1: a first appointment, said, look, we've just had a really
Speaker 1: bad experience. As I just want to clarify this is
Speaker 1: our goal. This is what we're thinking. We've talked it
Speaker 1: through with the accountant. This is where we're at. Is
Speaker 1: this thing you can help us with? And she was like, yes, absolutely,
Speaker 1: and I was okay. I was like, we kind of
Speaker 1: want to, you know, we're working towards investments blah blahlah,
Speaker 1: because our goal is ultimately we want a house. Obviously
Speaker 1: Sydney's not very attainable for a house, which is why
Speaker 1: we're starting with an affordable mortgage for us, and we're
Speaker 1: going to buy an investment property and so talking about
Speaker 1: that and I was like, okay, what can we do?
Speaker 1: And she was like, cool, we could do regular valuations.
Speaker 1: How about I do six monthly check ins. We'll do
Speaker 1: this this This set up a punch. She was so
Speaker 1: lovely and I just felt so instantly at ease and
Speaker 1: just so good. Honestly, she's so so kind.
Speaker 4: I am glad, I am very proud of my team.
Speaker 4: So talk to me. Now, you've got a mortgage. How
Speaker 4: much is that?
Speaker 1: Yes? Alrighty, So our mortgage is five hundred and twenty
Speaker 1: six thousand and seven, one hundred and seventy four dollars
Speaker 1: at the moment.
Speaker 4: Exciting, and how much did you purchase for six sixty. Oh,
Speaker 4: how good's that? So you had a pretty good deposit.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so a deposit, pretty sizable. We've done quite well.
Speaker 1: So we both had our deposits, we'd saved up. And
Speaker 1: then my partner's parents, when his grandparents all unfortunately passed away,
Speaker 1: his family came into quite a bit of money, and
Speaker 1: so his mum and dad made the decision that each
Speaker 1: of the children would get one hundred thousand dollars to
Speaker 1: go towards their first home.
Speaker 4: Isn't that so nice? Like that they got to be
Speaker 4: a part of like your like and I know that
Speaker 4: people you know often are like, oh, inheritance, but like,
Speaker 4: how nice that that got to go towards you creating
Speaker 4: a home. They would be so proud.
Speaker 1: They're such lovely people. And it was like I used
Speaker 1: to be like that. I used to be so jaded
Speaker 1: about it, and because I, you know, I had a
Speaker 1: hext and I worked for things, and so I was
Speaker 1: raised that you had to work for low things. And
Speaker 1: I used to be really jaded about it if anybody
Speaker 1: got money, and then I was like, no, I guess
Speaker 1: that's what parents can do. Like, if you're lucky enough,
Speaker 1: fortunate enough, to work hard and to be able to
Speaker 1: do that for your kids, like, that's such a wonderful
Speaker 1: gift you can give them, and his mum and dad
Speaker 1: are such great people, so honestly, it's so amazing. So
Speaker 1: we both had a decent deposit, had that then combination
Speaker 1: from his parents, and now we also now have So
Speaker 1: there's one hundred and thirty four thousand of our deposit
Speaker 1: is still there. We actually had enough for the ten
Speaker 1: percent on two properties.
Speaker 4: Is it in your offset?
Speaker 1: Yes? Of course.
Speaker 4: Yeah. I was about to say, Jack would have set
Speaker 4: you up properly so that all of this is working
Speaker 4: very nicely.
Speaker 1: Yes, she did. So, Look we've got that. The rest
Speaker 1: of our deposit is sitting in an offset account. We
Speaker 1: are pre approved for our investment loan, and it's just
Speaker 1: at the moment, to be honest, we're doing renos and
Speaker 1: it is so stressful. So it's a matter of just
Speaker 1: like whence we've kind of got this done, then we're
Speaker 1: going to get the investment property sorted. But at the
Speaker 1: moment it's sitting there offsetting up personal mortgage, which is great.
Speaker 4: How exciting. I feel like you've got all your financial
Speaker 4: stuff sorted. Tell me, are you investing in any other
Speaker 4: way or are you like, Nope, we've saved all this money.
Speaker 4: We're going to go all in on property. At the moment,
Speaker 4: absolutely so.
Speaker 1: I have got just over fifty two thousand in shares
Speaker 1: at the moment.
Speaker 4: What, Like, you are so set up. I'm obsessed.
Speaker 1: Thank you. Tell me about your super In terms of
Speaker 1: super I have ninety seven thousand at the moment.
Speaker 4: Oh nice. I feel like you are very well set up,
Speaker 4: like you were on the right path.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we're getting there. It's been good making progress.
Speaker 4: I want to go back to like seventeen year old
Speaker 4: you and be like, okay, cool, So do you know
Speaker 4: how it ends up? Like and this isn't even going
Speaker 4: to be the end, Like this is going to be
Speaker 4: lit and you'll just be Oh, how cool would that
Speaker 4: have been?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Honestly, I seventeen year old me would one think
Speaker 1: I'm so cool and two would be so proud of me.
Speaker 4: She would be I was very.
Speaker 1: Fortunate in the last couple of years. So I mentioned
Speaker 1: you before, like we were going to buy previously. It
Speaker 1: was just before COVID, and I'm so glad we didn't.
Speaker 1: We were in NOC. We were so close to having
Speaker 1: this massive max out mortgage just before cod which is
Speaker 1: during COVID. So glad we didn't do it, because in
Speaker 1: that time, with that money, I off my hex set completely,
Speaker 1: which was from a one year of one degree a
Speaker 1: whole degree and at that point in time half of
Speaker 1: a master's hat off that I then bought myself a
Speaker 1: car and a deal a demo. Of course I was responsible.
Speaker 1: Saved a fair bit of money by doing that, and
Speaker 1: just yeah, saved so much money. And if we hadn't
Speaker 1: had gone through what we did with our property journey previously,
Speaker 1: there is no way we have been on one to
Speaker 1: two international holidays every year since kind of COVID lockdown's lifted,
Speaker 1: as well as small holidays as well. I no longer
Speaker 1: have a hextet. I, you know, have excellent savings. I
Speaker 1: now have this great share portfolio.
Speaker 4: I'm obsessed. And you know what, at the time when
Speaker 4: you lost at that auction, I'm sure you were heartbroken
Speaker 4: because that's all you ever thought you wanted.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I actually drove past that address this morning
Speaker 1: on my way home from work, and I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm so glad we didn't get that. I'm so glad
Speaker 1: we didn't.
Speaker 4: I feel like it's such a good lesson in that
Speaker 4: like sometimes when you don't get things, it's because they
Speaker 4: were meant to pass you by. I like, and I
Speaker 4: think that that's such a nice way of like being
Speaker 4: able to reflect and be like Nope, Like if it's
Speaker 4: not working for me right now, that's because it's not
Speaker 4: meant to Like this maybe a lesson or maybe there's
Speaker 4: something better coming. And I think that so many times,
Speaker 4: especially like with the story that you've shared, Like there
Speaker 4: were times where you're like I'm never getting out of this,
Speaker 4: or like I don't even know how to leave, but
Speaker 4: like you did it now, like the sun is not
Speaker 4: just shining, but the grass is greener where you're standing,
Speaker 4: Like isn't that like the best thing ever?
Speaker 1: Yeah, honestly, it is so good. I'm so happy and
Speaker 1: secure and it feels really really good.
Speaker 4: I adore it. All Right, I've got two more questions
Speaker 4: because I know we quickly running out of time. Let
Speaker 4: me know, what do you think your best money habit is.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say automation love Honestly, set up everything really early,
Speaker 1: so everything is planned for so each pay I allocate
Speaker 1: for the year. So whether it's bills, either their monthly
Speaker 1: or annual, my groceries, my spending money, my saving money,
Speaker 1: my holiday money. Everything is allocated as a fortnightly automation.
Speaker 4: Love and then what do you think your worst money happen?
Speaker 4: Although I don't know someone who rates themselves an a
Speaker 4: has any.
Speaker 1: At the moment, I have been tracking a little bit
Speaker 1: less than I normally would, just because we've been renovating.
Speaker 1: It's been a bit hectic. So ordinarily a girlfriend and
Speaker 1: I we catch up at the start of every month
Speaker 1: and we go over how we've done the four weeks before.
Speaker 4: That is so wholesome. I'm obsessed. Where can I find
Speaker 4: a friend like that?
Speaker 3: For me?
Speaker 1: It's so and also so I note so proud of her.
Speaker 1: She also signed contract on her first place yesterday as well.
Speaker 4: I'm obsessed.
Speaker 1: Eighteen months ago. I tried getting her to listen to
Speaker 1: your podcast eighteen months ago and she was like, I
Speaker 1: don't want to hear it. I don't want to look
Speaker 1: at money. It's too stressful, blah blah blah. And now now.
Speaker 4: She's getting her in house, I'm obsessed. How good is it?
Speaker 4: And you know what I get that money can be overwhelming.
Speaker 4: The amount of times people say oh, like, I know
Speaker 4: all your podcast, but I'm just I'm not ready, Like girl,
Speaker 4: you know it when you're ready. But like, it's so
Speaker 4: relatable to just feel overwhelmed when it comes to money.
Speaker 4: And I'm pretty sure if I went back to money
Speaker 4: diarist as in you back when you were like twenty
Speaker 4: two twenty three, you were in tens of that of
Speaker 4: dollars of debt, you were emotionally and financially supporting your
Speaker 4: husband who was not a nice human being. Like I
Speaker 4: can't imagine you would have been like, yeah, great money podcast,
Speaker 4: That's exactly what I need. Like you would have been
Speaker 4: telling me to get in the bin. And I totally
Speaker 4: get that. But I think it's so powerful and sometimes
Speaker 4: you can only see those things in hindsight.
Speaker 1: Yeah, definitely, I'm glad now that I can see it,
Speaker 1: But at the time I couldn't. I literally could see
Speaker 1: none of it. So it really is like hindsight of course.
Speaker 4: All right, money Diristy. It has been so beautiful. Thank
Speaker 4: you so much for sharing your story with us. I
Speaker 4: am literally obsessed. But last question, you said that you
Speaker 4: were in a what's it going to take to get
Speaker 4: you to an A plus?
Speaker 1: Look, I want more money through dividends. I think I
Speaker 1: think that's kind of a current goal. And once my
Speaker 1: partner and I can kind of get an investment property sorted,
Speaker 1: I'm really keen to get that underway so that we
Speaker 1: can kind of work towards.
Speaker 4: The big family home.
Speaker 1: Yeah, getting out like you know, our big house, which
Speaker 1: would be good.
Speaker 4: I'm so obsessed that I get to be on that
Speaker 4: journey with you, Like that is literally so special, because
Speaker 4: like my favorite clients are the ones where you know,
Speaker 4: you come back and we're working out what equity you
Speaker 4: have and what we can do and how we can invest,
Speaker 4: but then also how we can take you to the
Speaker 4: next level. Like I feel like the great Australian dream
Speaker 4: of like buying your first home as your family home,
Speaker 4: it just doesn't exist, but like there's still a pathway,
Speaker 4: and like it's just so exciting when we get to
Speaker 4: be on that journey with you.
Speaker 5: Did buy shared on She's on the Money is general
Speaker 5: in nature and does not consider your individual circumstances. She's
Speaker 5: on the Money exists purely for educational purposes and should
Speaker 5: not be relied upon to make an investment or financial decision.
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