Speaker 1: Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands
Speaker 1: were never seated.
Speaker 2: We pay our respects to their elders past and present.
Speaker 3: Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land. This episode was
Speaker 3: recorded on Drug wallamut Land. Hi, guys, and welcome back
Speaker 3: to another episode of Live on Cut. I'm Laura and
Speaker 3: I'm prody.
Speaker 2: Sakisha feeling in for brit while she is in the jungle.
Speaker 3: Hasn't yet eaten a testicule. I'm very sad about it. Devastated.
Speaker 3: She's been quiet, she's been reserved. The real Britney's coming.
Speaker 3: I think she just doesn't want to come in there
Speaker 3: and just like let it all hang out. You know.
Speaker 4: That's like week two stuff.
Speaker 1: Do you feel as though we overshare too much on
Speaker 1: this podcast?
Speaker 3: I feel like that's a rhetorical question because the answer
Speaker 3: to that is so obviously yes.
Speaker 2: But I'm not mad about it. But the answer is yes.
Speaker 1: Well, the reason I ask is because last night on
Speaker 1: I'm a Celebrity, Get Me out of Here.
Speaker 2: I think it was Tristan who brought it up.
Speaker 1: Essentially, he said he was pooh Shi and he mentioned
Speaker 1: that he and his partner would never pooh in front
Speaker 1: of each other.
Speaker 4: Well, I have an admission.
Speaker 1: I know.
Speaker 3: I said I was gonna watch every single episode, but
Speaker 3: we're episode three and I didn't watch last night because
Speaker 3: very good reason.
Speaker 4: I was out for my birthday. So you have to
Speaker 4: tell me what happened.
Speaker 1: Tristan essentially ended up asking the entire crew in the
Speaker 1: jungle like this question of do you pooh in front.
Speaker 2: Of your partner? And Ellie Cole brought up that the answer.
Speaker 1: To that question just gives you so much insight into
Speaker 1: someone's relationship, and I tend to agree.
Speaker 2: I love that you're asking the deep and hard hitting
Speaker 2: questions today on ask on cars so early? Is that
Speaker 2: where we're at now?
Speaker 3: Do you or do you not? I mean, you guys
Speaker 3: all know that I don't care. We've spoken about that before.
Speaker 4: Not that I don't.
Speaker 3: I'm not gonna like physically sit there and be like, hey, honey,
Speaker 3: come in whilst I do a pooh. But like, if
Speaker 3: Matt has to come in and get something, he'll just
Speaker 3: walk in, open the door, walk straight in, get whatever
Speaker 3: he needs, and walk out.
Speaker 4: He won't even think about it.
Speaker 2: And that doesn't raise it.
Speaker 3: Like I said, I'll say, get out, get out and
Speaker 3: fagn like I'm really offended, but I don't actually care.
Speaker 3: I do the obligatory like, oh, get out, and then
Speaker 3: he does the same to me. But if I was
Speaker 3: to actually stand in there and try and have a
Speaker 3: chat to him, he'd be like, get out, okay, then
Speaker 3: he'd answer my question. He's not He's not holding onto
Speaker 3: the resentment of the fact that I'll walk in whilst
Speaker 3: he's doing a pooh and vice versa. Doesn't touch the
Speaker 3: sides of what exactly the ball of the human who knows.
Speaker 1: I just feel like hearing that story makes my small
Speaker 1: intestine kind of clench, like it's sucking it all back in. Potentially, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think I'm in this situation where my boyfriend and
Speaker 1: I don't agree on this. I am very much a
Speaker 1: no no privacy. When it's I don't mind a Wii,
Speaker 1: that's fine, But as soon as it's more than that,
Speaker 1: even if it's like possibly more than that, that's a
Speaker 1: solo experience for me. He doesn't feel the same. He's
Speaker 1: more than comfortable to have the door open. He doesn't
Speaker 1: mind telling me about it. He talks about it all
Speaker 1: the time, and frankly, it growses me up.
Speaker 3: You guys have only just moved in together, so you
Speaker 3: are on a downward spiral.
Speaker 4: If you're already there, you're fucked.
Speaker 3: That's what I'm getting from this, Like you are really
Speaker 3: heading in a few weeks time. He's going to just
Speaker 3: be doing it in the middle of the lounge room
Speaker 3: because they should, don't the lad literally making eye contact
Speaker 3: at the same time.
Speaker 2: That would send me to another planet.
Speaker 4: I've been an astral plane.
Speaker 1: Just I don't know how you reach a happy medium
Speaker 1: in this situation. I feel as though he is gradually
Speaker 1: wearing me down, like he's trying to send the layers
Speaker 1: down of me caring about this because he first moved
Speaker 1: in together, I like kicked off about it, and now
Speaker 1: I don't kick off, but I always I'm like, come.
Speaker 2: On, like, have some respects. See that's what I mean.
Speaker 2: You feign a bit of like you can stop, get out.
Speaker 2: It's not fainting. I'm just picking which battles I want
Speaker 2: to fight.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I do want to fight that battle, but
Speaker 1: I've had to fight it so many times and nothing's
Speaker 1: changed that I'm kind of like, well.
Speaker 4: Is this worth you know? How dare he disrespect you
Speaker 4: like that?
Speaker 2: Is this a fuck you? How dare he not listen
Speaker 2: to your boundaries?
Speaker 3: Okay, I mean we've spoken about I feel like it's
Speaker 3: the conversation goes roun and so. Because we've spoken about
Speaker 3: whether it's okay to fun friend your partners whatever, people
Speaker 3: are very black and white, Pulling in front of your
Speaker 3: partner is a whole other level that I think most
Speaker 3: people don't achieve. But I agree with Ellie Cole. It
Speaker 3: says a lot about your relationship. It says a lot
Speaker 3: about your how comfortable you are with someone if you
Speaker 3: can just duck into the bathroom, regardless of where they're
Speaker 3: at in their bathroom experience, and go and get something.
Speaker 3: I don't think that there's many people out there who
Speaker 3: are intentionally doing it in front of each other. But
Speaker 3: what I think is that for some people, it's not
Speaker 3: a limitation of entering a room just to quickly do something.
Speaker 2: Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 3: Like if you're gonna quickly go and get something from
Speaker 3: the bathroom, Like if I need deodorant, I'm gonna open
Speaker 3: the door and go in and.
Speaker 4: Get it, and that would be like, oh, get out,
Speaker 4: And that's pretty much the extent of it, to be honest.
Speaker 1: I think he's really funny to like think about how
Speaker 1: much our standards change.
Speaker 3: Well, I've came by that in front of him, which
Speaker 3: means that, like, you know, things have happened. That door
Speaker 3: was already opened. Okay, so you know there's no coming
Speaker 3: back from that. So whatever, it's only fair that he
Speaker 3: does it in front of me too. I do think
Speaker 3: that if these are the types of conversations that they're
Speaker 3: already having in the jungle on night three, this is
Speaker 3: an indication that people, like a group of people who
Speaker 3: have spent too much time together.
Speaker 1: Social media gets such a bad rap. Everyone's like, we
Speaker 1: spend too much time on our phone. This is what
Speaker 1: happens when you don't have a phone.
Speaker 2: Or a TV to watch it. Can you start asking
Speaker 2: each other if you shit in front of each other?
Speaker 4: That's true.
Speaker 2: They're just bored. Yeah, anyway, we've spoken about this for
Speaker 2: too long.
Speaker 3: We have, We really have. I haven't admission to make.
Speaker 3: No one's going to care about this. It's not even admission.
Speaker 3: It's just I want to clear something up. Okay, if
Speaker 3: you listen to the podcast in think it might have
Speaker 3: been January, could have even been December or so long ago,
Speaker 3: and we at some point went down a rabbit hole
Speaker 3: about this thing on my arm. All right, your fung guy,
Speaker 3: my fun guy that just comes around with me. And
Speaker 3: Britt was like, yeah, that's a fungal infection. Three months,
Speaker 3: three months, I've used fungal cream on this thing. Okay,
Speaker 3: three months the fungle cream did nothing. This is the
Speaker 3: most like defungled part of anyone's body that's ever existed.
Speaker 3: I'm talking twice a day fungal cream, right, Just to
Speaker 3: give a bit of a pitch, because you know, this
Speaker 3: is an.
Speaker 5: It is everybody unless you're joining us on YouTube, which
Speaker 5: right there, it kind of looks like a little bit
Speaker 5: of discoloration just in patches, like just a couple patches.
Speaker 1: There's a few shades darker, which is different to most
Speaker 1: of the fungal infections because usually they go white, don't
Speaker 1: they They usually go lighter.
Speaker 2: Well, I mean some people it grows darker as well,
Speaker 2: I think.
Speaker 3: But like basically, there's a there's a fungal infection that
Speaker 3: people get on their skin, which if you spend a
Speaker 3: lot of time in the sun or in the ocean
Speaker 3: or in chloring pools, it's more prevalent and it's called
Speaker 3: tinya versicola. So anyway, Brittany, being the medical person that
Speaker 3: she is, she was like, that's a fungal thing, Laura,
Speaker 3: go and get some fungal crepit. Anyway, three fucking months
Speaker 3: and me waiting to get into a dermatologist because the
Speaker 3: lines for a dermatologist are unreasonably long. Unreasonably long, don't
Speaker 3: even get me sounded about psychiatrists. So I wild, well,
Speaker 3: I went yesterday and I sat down. I was like, guys,
Speaker 3: like this fungus is just getting bigger and it's been
Speaker 3: here for so long now.
Speaker 4: And she just looked at me and she was like, sweet,
Speaker 4: it's not fungus. What is it?
Speaker 2: It's just pigmentation because I'm getting old. So you've been
Speaker 2: trying to treat it.
Speaker 1: You've been trying to treat something for three months and
Speaker 1: it wasn't even what no wonder that it wasn't working.
Speaker 4: Well, it's not even that.
Speaker 3: It's just like, I just want to set the record straight.
Speaker 3: Not that there's anything wrong with having a fungus, but
Speaker 3: I don't have one. And I've been telling everyone that
Speaker 3: I did and that I'm trying to get rid of it,
Speaker 3: and nothing was working. And now I make it worse.
Speaker 3: Well potentially because it is has been getting progressively worse,
Speaker 3: but actually, no, it's not that anyone cares talking about oversharing.
Speaker 4: It's a dermatitis thing.
Speaker 3: And then once it heals, the hyperpigmentation of it from
Speaker 3: where it's healed, so it's like kind of tiny little
Speaker 3: abrasions in the skin. And then once that has healed,
Speaker 3: it makes the skin darker because it's like a reaction
Speaker 3: to being traumatized, which is what I am.
Speaker 2: So thanks, Brittany. Thanks for nothing is what I had
Speaker 2: to say.
Speaker 1: When the internal stress ends up coming out like external
Speaker 1: in your bodytally starts breeding all over your arms.
Speaker 2: Well, I'm glad you're getting that sortied.
Speaker 4: Thank you. How was your experience of the dermatoegist fine.
Speaker 3: I also walked in and it was the most beautiful
Speaker 3: medical office.
Speaker 4: It had a view of the entire city.
Speaker 3: The Harbor Bridge, all of BONDI like, I'm talking like
Speaker 3: a three sixty view in this dermatologists office, and I
Speaker 3: was like, oh, it makes sense now.
Speaker 4: I was like, it makes sense. We're all in the
Speaker 4: wrong job.
Speaker 3: Three months to get in here, and this is what
Speaker 3: you guys like living in a palace.
Speaker 1: No wonder dermatologists have a little bit of a reputation
Speaker 1: of being a little bit batty, do they.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm so sorry to all the dermatologists listening to this.
Speaker 3: You also deserve to have that view. You study very hard.
Speaker 1: It's kind of there are certain personality traits that different
Speaker 1: specialties of doctors seem to have. Like it's a stereotype,
Speaker 1: but stereotypes exist for a reason. A lot of the time,
Speaker 1: my dermatologist absolutely love.
Speaker 4: Her a little bit crazy.
Speaker 3: But also this is like cardiothoracic surgeons narcissists.
Speaker 1: Yes, surgery in particular a little bit of a god
Speaker 1: complex narcissism kind of element to it.
Speaker 3: Sorry to unprofile you all, and to all of the
Speaker 3: dermatologists and cardiothracic surgeons who listened to this podcast. Also
Speaker 3: they're not listening to Life on caut We're two bass anyway,
Speaker 3: all right, guys, we're here to answer all you're deep,
Speaker 3: you're dark, and you're burning questions today. But before we
Speaker 3: do that, I wanted to remind you guys, if you
Speaker 3: haven't seen it yet, yesterday we released an episode with
Speaker 3: tones and I and I know I often say like
Speaker 3: this is one of my favorite episodes. But I genuinely
Speaker 3: think that this episode that we released yesterday is one
Speaker 3: of the best ones that we have done this year.
Speaker 3: It is possibly one of the best ones we have
Speaker 3: ever done. And the reason for that is because so
Speaker 3: tones and I has never she has never ever, ever.
Speaker 4: Done a long form interview before.
Speaker 3: She's only ever done like short sporading interviews with radio
Speaker 3: and with media where you get like little bite side
Speaker 3: sound grabs talking about her music. This is the first
Speaker 3: time she's ever opened up around what she experienced in
Speaker 3: her coming to fame, how the media treated her, the
Speaker 3: reasons why she has turned her back on doing any
Speaker 3: sort of long form interviews and talking about herself.
Speaker 4: But she also talks so openly.
Speaker 3: About her childhood, why she got into music, her relationships.
Speaker 3: And it was an incredible interview, Like she had everybody
Speaker 3: in the room in tears at one point. And I
Speaker 3: just think for someone who has been so incredibly successful,
Speaker 3: I mean, dance Monkey is one of the most downloaded songs, Like,
Speaker 3: I mean, how many billion streams.
Speaker 1: She was the first female artist to reach three billion
Speaker 1: streams on Spotify and it's been streamed over ten billion
Speaker 1: times now.
Speaker 3: And this is the thing she says, She's like, Okay,
Speaker 3: so that you understand the magnitude of what Tones and
Speaker 3: I achieved with Dance Monkey, And she says it in
Speaker 3: the interview, nobody has ever done that. And I'm talking like,
Speaker 3: you're Taylor Swifts, You're Beyonces, your Ariana Grande is like
Speaker 3: some of the biggest celebrities, musical celebrities have not achieved
Speaker 3: what she achieved with that song. And she talks about
Speaker 3: like how that's impacted her, how that's like changed the
Speaker 3: trajectory of her career, but also so much about her
Speaker 3: vulnerability came from her talking about not looking the way
Speaker 3: in which society perceives a pop star to look or
Speaker 3: to be, and how she has been so deeply ridiculed
Speaker 3: for that throughout her career.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Laurie, you're not alone in saying that.
Speaker 1: We've got so many comments in the Facebook group on Instagram,
Speaker 1: We're getting a lot of messages people just saying, oh
Speaker 1: my god, I just loved this chat.
Speaker 2: She just embodies authenticity. I think she's awesome. I really
Speaker 2: like this new version of her that we're getting to see.
Speaker 3: Also, when she's sort of like, I never really wanted
Speaker 3: to tell my story before and then she just comes
Speaker 3: out of the gates telling her entire story.
Speaker 4: We were so blown away.
Speaker 3: But that came off the back of she came to
Speaker 3: the live shows in Melbourne, and it was so serendipitous
Speaker 3: how that all happened, Like if you guys came to
Speaker 3: the live show, you would know. But for anyone who
Speaker 3: wasn't there in Melbourne that night, we were supposed to
Speaker 3: have Flex Mummy come and be part of the show,
Speaker 3: and very last minute she canceled due to her own
Speaker 3: personal reasons because she had things going on, and we
Speaker 3: were like panic stations at that point in time. Britta
Speaker 3: and I were like, fuck, fuck, we've had it, Like
Speaker 3: how are we going to feel this space?
Speaker 4: What are we gonna do now?
Speaker 3: Especially because we've been pre promoting what the chats we're
Speaker 3: gonna be. And then because of a relationship that Mitch
Speaker 3: Chure has with Tones and I, he sends his text
Speaker 3: message this one day and this is like the day
Speaker 3: before and he was like, I think I might have
Speaker 3: Tones she might want to come and do a chat
Speaker 3: on stage, And we were so unsure whether it was
Speaker 3: actually going to come into fruition, Like we had no
Speaker 3: idea whether she was going to even come and be
Speaker 3: there backstage, and then lo and behold the night of
Speaker 3: we get there and then in the green room she's
Speaker 3: just sitting there with all of her people, pop and champagne,
Speaker 3: and we were like, Okay, this is happening. It was
Speaker 3: the surrealest thing, and you know, in terms, she just
Speaker 3: did it purely because of a friendship with Mitch. And
Speaker 3: then we have been so lucky to build a friendship
Speaker 3: with her as well and be having these kind of
Speaker 3: ongoing conversations and it was just like sitting down for
Speaker 3: a chat with a good friend.
Speaker 1: I think the most special thing about that, and the
Speaker 1: reason that she has a friendship with Mitch.
Speaker 2: Is because of how badly she was treated.
Speaker 1: By the media, and you know, people just made up
Speaker 1: stories about her because she didn't want to rebut them.
Speaker 1: She didn't want to involve herself because she had some
Speaker 1: self esteem issues and I wouldn't even.
Speaker 2: Say issues like they were kind of.
Speaker 4: Forced upon her.
Speaker 1: And I think it's really beautiful she came to that
Speaker 1: live show because she met Mitch through radio, loved Tim,
Speaker 1: trusts him, and then trusted you guys. And I could
Speaker 1: tell from listening to that interviewers in the room. There
Speaker 1: was such an element that she felt with you and
Speaker 1: Britt was a safe space to share and with our
Speaker 1: audience as well. Like she received so much feedback from
Speaker 1: the live show in Melbourne that she was like, oh, these.
Speaker 2: People get it.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, she said, you're all a cult and I'm
Speaker 3: here for it, a little life uncut cult. But anyway,
Speaker 3: go and listen to that. It's out now, it's yeah,
Speaker 3: it was yesterday's episode and it's fucking amazing. Yeah subscribed, Yes, okay,
Speaker 3: I have a vibe full transparency. It is a brand
Speaker 3: that I'm currently working with. So I'm currently working with
Speaker 3: Target and we are across the podcast. But even more transparency.
Speaker 3: When they came on board as a sponsor, it had
Speaker 3: been a long time since I had walked through and
Speaker 3: I will get home works from Target, I will get
Speaker 3: bits and pieces from there, but neba ebba, had I walked.
Speaker 2: Through the clothing sect of Target, I'll get things for
Speaker 2: the kids.
Speaker 4: I would never have looked for myself.
Speaker 3: But in this instance, there was like the recommendation that
Speaker 3: I should just go and have a look online and
Speaker 3: see what I could find myself.
Speaker 4: Let me tell you, okay, I'm wearing it. Right now.
Speaker 3: If you're watching YouTube, you'll see it. But if you're not,
Speaker 3: then you won't care. But they had this like Skims
Speaker 3: ripoff range. They have a body like a crop top,
Speaker 3: I don't know what you call it, a boot chewed top,
Speaker 3: which I'm wearing today. They also have a body suit
Speaker 3: and it's this like very soft buttery material. They're so
Speaker 3: cheap and I now have them in every color that
Speaker 3: they come in and every style that they come in,
Speaker 3: the boot tube and also the full body, and they
Speaker 3: are amazing. They are my recommendations. They are like the
Speaker 3: little gold dust that I found at.
Speaker 4: The bottom of the pans.
Speaker 3: So that's my recommendation if you are into or wanting
Speaker 3: like a very good body suit that looks great under
Speaker 3: jeans that you can style it casually.
Speaker 4: Amazing.
Speaker 1: I can second this recommendation because I actually have the
Speaker 1: dress version and it's very soft and it's very nice,
Speaker 1: and I saw it trending on TikTok as like a
Speaker 1: genuine replica of the Skims one, except it was I
Speaker 1: think it was less than a third of the price.
Speaker 1: So with you on those my recommendation for the week,
Speaker 1: I'm back on my Woo Woo bullshit.
Speaker 4: Okay, we I'm here for it.
Speaker 2: I'm really enjoying it.
Speaker 1: I got this recommendation from the Facebook group, the Life
Speaker 1: on Cut discussion group is where I get every recommendation from.
Speaker 2: It's called a shak Ti mat. Okay, oh, not here
Speaker 2: for it. They say it's based off of.
Speaker 1: The ancient wisdoms from India and it's all to do
Speaker 1: with acupressure. Do you remember seeing like pictures of nail beds,
Speaker 1: like the wooden planks with native stick up right and people.
Speaker 1: It's kind of like the og accupuncture before they knew
Speaker 1: how to make it specific. These shacked ti mats are
Speaker 1: like a I guess they're like a plastic spiked mat
Speaker 1: and the idea is that you lay on it and
Speaker 1: you're supposed to lay on it for like ten minutes.
Speaker 4: It sounds like literal torture. Well this is the thing, okay.
Speaker 1: So they say it like increases circulation, it can improve
Speaker 1: your sleep, which I'm obsessed with obviously.
Speaker 2: So I was like, okay, I'm gonna give this a go.
Speaker 1: And years and years and years ago, I was diagnosed
Speaker 1: with anxiety. Last October I was diagnosed with ADHD. I'm
Speaker 1: now medicated for both of those things, and I'm also
Speaker 1: trying to work on things that are just not medicinal,
Speaker 1: Like I'm really trying to do this from a multi
Speaker 1: pronged approach. Right, So, I've been talking about my ice
Speaker 1: baths and shacked imats to me kind of fall into
Speaker 1: the same category where I'm trying to train my brain
Speaker 1: that when I'm in uncomfortable situations.
Speaker 2: I can handle it.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to kind of increase my mental resilience in
Speaker 1: an effort to reduce my anxiety or how I like
Speaker 1: react when I feel anxious in a normal environment.
Speaker 5: Right.
Speaker 1: You know, the idea is that if I'm in a
Speaker 1: situation that's uncomfortable, I can sit in that discomfort and
Speaker 1: I can kind of like work my way through it.
Speaker 2: So this is me getting a little away. The shaked
Speaker 2: timat is my next edition.
Speaker 4: Of this scause.
Speaker 3: I'm not a difference though, between like mental discomfort and
Speaker 3: physical discomfort, because I feel like a lot of people
Speaker 3: can internalize physical discomfort, but mental discomfort is a completely
Speaker 3: different kettle of fish.
Speaker 1: I think that I'm trying to I'm trying to merge
Speaker 1: the two because when you have something like anxiety, it
Speaker 1: feels physical, like it really feels like it's something that
Speaker 1: you're like, my body is reacting disproportionately to my environment.
Speaker 1: So anyway, it's something that I'm like, I'm working on
Speaker 1: and I feel as though.
Speaker 2: I'm really making progress. And I don't know whether it's
Speaker 2: the medication. I don't know whether it's.
Speaker 1: The more like alternative practices. I don't know if it's
Speaker 1: a combination of all of them. But I've been laying
Speaker 1: on my Shrukti Matt. I will admit it's pretty fucking
Speaker 1: uncomfortable to begin with. They do have beginner's versions, but
Speaker 1: they're relatively expensive. I know you can get cheaper versions
Speaker 1: from like Ali and all these other places, but I
Speaker 1: just went for the real branded one. It hurts like
Speaker 1: you lay on it, and it really takes that mental resilience,
Speaker 1: I guess. And I'm trying to do ten minutes every night,
Speaker 1: and I'm getting to the point where like I'm achieving it.
Speaker 2: I'm not finding it as difficult as what I previously was.
Speaker 4: So that's how I feel about pilates.
Speaker 1: You.
Speaker 3: Every time I'm on a pilate's reform machine, I'm like,
Speaker 3: why am I doing this?
Speaker 2: And I'm wishing every minute away.
Speaker 3: I think it's one of the pilates, is one of
Speaker 3: those taboo things that you're not allowed to say that
Speaker 3: you hate, Like, I don't enjoy it, but I do
Speaker 3: it because I know it's good for me.
Speaker 4: That sounds like a shocked he mat it kind of.
Speaker 1: I mean, the idea is that you're meant to be
Speaker 1: a little bit uncomfortable and then you're meant to push
Speaker 1: through the discomfort. So not for everyone, absolutely get that,
Speaker 1: But if you would like to, I don't know, torture
Speaker 1: say I reckon it helps with sleep.
Speaker 2: I don't know if it does or not.
Speaker 1: So if that's the type of thing that you want
Speaker 1: to challenge yourself with at the moment, I recommend the
Speaker 1: shocked he mat.
Speaker 3: Let's get into answering your questions, all right. Question number one.
Speaker 3: My boyfriend he's thirty one and I'm twenty eight years old,
Speaker 3: and we started dating in June last year. We made
Speaker 3: it official at the end of July. Since the very beginning,
Speaker 3: we've been really happy. We both are super committed to
Speaker 3: our relationship and each other. We communicate really well, and
Speaker 3: he shows me every day how much he loves me.
Speaker 3: I truly thought I had found my penguam just so
Speaker 3: you guys don't have to do the maths.
Speaker 4: They've been together now for nine months.
Speaker 3: However, I have just found out he cheated on me
Speaker 3: two times, just when our relationships started. He cheated on
Speaker 3: me with a girl he met back in June. She
Speaker 3: was away in Europe for a bit, so when we
Speaker 3: started our relationship she wasn't around, but they were still texting.
Speaker 3: When she was back, they met up two times and
Speaker 3: had sex. This was one week and two months after
Speaker 3: we made it official. So actually, when I read this,
Speaker 3: I'm actually going to backtrack a bit. So they started
Speaker 3: dating in June, which was when she left, so she
Speaker 3: must have been away for a while, so this has
Speaker 3: obviously happened sort of around like I mean, I would
Speaker 3: say they've been together for maybe six months since he cheated, right,
Speaker 3: if we're going to do the maths working backwards.
Speaker 4: Month math, Yeah, it's been about six.
Speaker 3: Months since the cheating happened, but they've known each other
Speaker 3: for nine months total. All of this came out because
Speaker 3: the girl reached out to me to tell me everything.
Speaker 3: I confronted him and he felt really guilty and owned
Speaker 3: his mistakes. He said it absolutely didn't mean anything to him.
Speaker 3: He was lost and scared, and he said he could
Speaker 3: never do that to me. Now, because we're in such
Speaker 3: a different stage of our relationship, I can see how
Speaker 3: our relationship has changed in the past four months. He
Speaker 3: says he has changed and did the inner work after cheating.
Speaker 3: My question is how bad are the red flags? I
Speaker 3: know you can recover from cheating, but can you when
Speaker 3: you started the relationship and fell in love when the
Speaker 3: person was cheating on you. I think I really want
Speaker 3: to make this work and give him another chance.
Speaker 4: That's a lot.
Speaker 2: There is a lot time back here.
Speaker 4: Okay.
Speaker 3: The first thing I want to say is when you
Speaker 3: say he's changed a lot in four months, four months
Speaker 3: is not a long.
Speaker 4: Period of time. None of this has happened over a
Speaker 4: long period of time.
Speaker 1: Firstly, yeah, I mean, there's the obvious things to point
Speaker 1: out of the fact that he cheated on you and
Speaker 1: he thought he'd get away with it, and so him,
Speaker 1: you know, changing in the past four months. You weren't
Speaker 1: really aware of why he changed. You weren't aware of
Speaker 1: why he became more committed to you. But it's obviously
Speaker 1: because he was living with a bit of guilt about
Speaker 1: what had happened. I actually do question this a lot
Speaker 1: of the time in this scenarios like would you rather
Speaker 1: know or would you rather have never found this information out?
Speaker 1: Because this has fundamentally changed your relationship.
Speaker 2: Now like moving forward from here, you can't go back.
Speaker 1: You have said that you want to make this work
Speaker 1: and give him another chance, And I think that's why
Speaker 1: when I was initially listening to you read this question,
Speaker 1: I was like, oh man, this guy's like you know,
Speaker 1: he's done you dirty, and you've built a relationship off
Speaker 1: of a foundation that doesn't actually exist.
Speaker 2: It's not real.
Speaker 1: Your reality is are different because he's done this thing
Speaker 1: that's broken the trust down.
Speaker 2: But you are right, people can move on from cheating.
Speaker 1: And if you want to really make this work and
Speaker 1: give him another chance, I have to respect your decision
Speaker 1: to do that. I think you need to make a decision.
Speaker 1: You need to kind of work out whether you are
Speaker 1: going to be able to get over this. There will
Speaker 1: very obviously be things that you need to address in
Speaker 1: the relationship because the trust has been broken retroactively.
Speaker 2: But if this is the type of thing that you
Speaker 2: think you are not.
Speaker 1: Going to be able to completely get over and it
Speaker 1: is going to plant such a seed of doubt in
Speaker 1: every single thing that he does from now on, and
Speaker 1: you're going to feel the need to go through his phone,
Speaker 1: You're going to feel the need to be with him
Speaker 1: when he's out, rather than him being able to go
Speaker 1: out and do his own thing and be independent.
Speaker 2: If you're not.
Speaker 1: Going to be able to get over those things, I
Speaker 1: don't think that you're going to be able to move
Speaker 1: forward in the relationship. Yeah.
Speaker 3: I mean it's a really tricky one answering this. Firstly,
Speaker 3: I think do people cheat in the early stages of relationships,
Speaker 3: and can the relationship then evolve and you be in
Speaker 3: a completely different place. Yes, that's a possibility, right. It
Speaker 3: is a possibility that he kind of made a commitment
Speaker 3: to you. You guys have had the conversation. He was like, yep,
Speaker 3: I'm all locked in. This girl came back. It was like,
Speaker 3: you know, you guys have only been dating for a
Speaker 3: couple of months, and he was like, well, I'm not
Speaker 3: actually as committed as maybe I verbally said I was,
Speaker 3: and he cheated on you, and now he actually does
Speaker 3: feel more in love with you and more committed in
Speaker 3: the relationship. Those things are possibilities. My question, though, is
Speaker 3: you say how much of a red flag is this?
Speaker 3: I would still say it's a very big red flag.
Speaker 3: I personally wouldn't want to be in a relationship with
Speaker 3: somebody who had made a commitment to me and yet
Speaker 3: that entire time was still texting another girl who was overseas,
Speaker 3: and then when she came back, decided he wanted to
Speaker 3: try it out and fuck her, Like that's what happened here.
Speaker 3: He was texting her the whole time, he stayed in
Speaker 3: contact with her. He committed to you because you were
Speaker 3: the best thing that was available here, and then when
Speaker 3: she came back, he still tested the waters there and
Speaker 3: then passing it off as being I was scared and
Speaker 3: confused and unsure what where was he in the dark,
Speaker 3: Like what was he scared about? Like I think sometimes
Speaker 3: we can try and explain and reason away and justified
Speaker 3: cheating when really it was just a very and like
Speaker 3: I know that this kind of contradicts some of the
Speaker 3: things that when we've had the psychologists on board and
Speaker 3: they've said that there's always a root cause of cheating.
Speaker 3: I think there is always a root cause of cheating
Speaker 3: in long term relationships, but in new relationships there's not
Speaker 3: a root cause. That is a condition of the relationship.
Speaker 3: It's usually a condition of selfishness. It's a condition of
Speaker 3: lack of investment or lack of commitment. But I think
Speaker 3: if you've verbally made that commitment, then you owe it
Speaker 3: to the person to treat them in the way that
Speaker 3: you would in a committed relationship. Doesn't matter if you're
Speaker 3: at the one month mark, the six month mark, or
Speaker 3: the one year mark. You've made that commitment to put
Speaker 3: your energy and effort into the person that you're dating
Speaker 3: and that you're exclusive with. Otherwise, what the fuck was
Speaker 3: the point of having that conversation around exclusivity if he
Speaker 3: was still in that time messaging a girl who was overseas.
Speaker 1: Well, I think it's because he was scared of losing
Speaker 1: the person who's written the question in this is such
Speaker 1: a clear case. If he wanted to have his cake
Speaker 1: and eat it too, and he did have his cake
Speaker 1: and eat it.
Speaker 3: Too, and he got away with it, But the only
Speaker 3: reason why he didn't get away with it was because
Speaker 3: this person who obviously felt cheated as well, She obviously
Speaker 3: felt hard done by, She obviously felt like she had
Speaker 3: been lied to, was overseas traveling, was in contact with
Speaker 3: this guy this whole time, came back, reignited something, and
Speaker 3: then realized that he was living these two alternate lives
Speaker 3: that suited him while there was a girl that was
Speaker 3: overseas and he could get away with it. For me,
Speaker 3: the bigger thing here is that I think that this
Speaker 3: is an indication of a character.
Speaker 4: It's an indication of the type.
Speaker 3: Of person that he is that he could so easily
Speaker 3: switch between the two. Does that mean that he's not
Speaker 3: going to move forward in a relationship and ever be
Speaker 3: monogamous or committed. No, of course it doesn't. He very much.
Speaker 3: Could you know now that he's made his decision and
Speaker 3: now that you guys are nine months into your relationship,
Speaker 3: it may be different. And I think the bigger question
Speaker 3: it's what you posed keish, but coming back to it
Speaker 3: is can you get over it?
Speaker 4: Because they're two very different things. Right.
Speaker 3: If you can get over the lying and the lack
Speaker 3: of commitment and all those sorts of things and the mismatch,
Speaker 3: then yeah, sure, you guys can forge forward in this relationship.
Speaker 3: But if it's going to be something that is going
Speaker 3: to rear its head constantly, that's going to make you
Speaker 3: feel as though you can't trust him, then unfortunately that's
Speaker 3: going to do a lot of damage here. But the
Speaker 3: two questions that you've posed is is this a red flag?
Speaker 3: And for me, absolutely, I'm not saying that you need
Speaker 3: to throw your relationship away, and you've made it really,
Speaker 3: really clear, you know, I think I really want to
Speaker 3: make this work and give him another chance. So I
Speaker 3: don't want to sit here and say, well you should
Speaker 3: break up, like you know, this guy's a flog. I
Speaker 3: think you treated you badly, And I think you can
Speaker 3: have someone say to you that they're very sorry, they've
Speaker 3: done the work and that you know they were scared
Speaker 3: and it was a hard time. Whatever the fucking bullshit
Speaker 3: they want to say. You can listen to that and
Speaker 3: you can have empathy for them because you're a good
Speaker 3: person and you want to believe the things that are
Speaker 3: being said to you, and I understand why. But I
Speaker 3: also think don't lack critical thinking around the way that
Speaker 3: you were treated.
Speaker 1: I think that actually brings up another question of whether
Speaker 1: you believe people can fundamentally change, and that's a really
Speaker 1: personal thing.
Speaker 5: You know.
Speaker 2: There's a saying once a.
Speaker 1: Cheater, always a cheater, and a lot of people do
Speaker 1: feel that way, Yeah, but I don't.
Speaker 3: I do.
Speaker 4: I don't know if I agree with that.
Speaker 3: I mean, I've cheated in past relationships, and I never
Speaker 3: ever ever would cheat on Matt, Like never, in my
Speaker 3: wildest dreams. It wouldn't matter what happened in our life
Speaker 3: or in our scenario, I would never ever cheat on him.
Speaker 1: If it's there though, this girl is in the same relationship. Yeah,
Speaker 1: So like, is it once a cheater in that relationship,
Speaker 1: lays a cheater in that relationship, or is it a
Speaker 1: character trait that spreads across all relationships totally? Is it
Speaker 1: only that you cheated in a previous relationship and you
Speaker 1: wouldn't cheat in another relationship because you have more respect
Speaker 1: for the person, or you have a deeper level of
Speaker 1: commitment to the person totally?
Speaker 3: Or I justified the reasons why it was okay for
Speaker 3: me to do so, which obviously, looking back, I don't
Speaker 3: agree with it, But in that moment, at that age,
Speaker 3: at that level of like lack of understanding about relationships, yeah,
Speaker 3: I absolutely justified it.
Speaker 4: Away.
Speaker 3: When I think of this, I mean, you're twenty eight,
Speaker 3: he's thirty one, and I don't want to like relate
Speaker 3: your situation back to me, because I'm going to that
Speaker 3: might be frustrating for you, but this is more so
Speaker 3: because of the way in which I struggled to get
Speaker 3: over cheating. So I was in a long term relationship
Speaker 3: and he was brilliant. We had a great relationship. He
Speaker 3: was a really, really, really great guy. Been together for
Speaker 3: a year and a half, we lived together. All things
Speaker 3: were stacking up for us to have you be together
Speaker 3: long term. And I found out maybe a year into
Speaker 3: our relationship that at the start of it, he was
Speaker 3: still sleeping with his ex girlfriend and that he was
Speaker 3: still on and off with her, and things were I
Speaker 3: thought that things were completely over. They were obviously way
Speaker 3: messier than he ever let on for me, and that
Speaker 3: that had continued for a couple of months. And I
Speaker 3: wanted to stay because we lived together, we own stuff together,
Speaker 3: and I was like, we're a year deep now in
Speaker 3: this relationship, and I was like, I don't want what
Speaker 3: happened three months in to define where we are now.
Speaker 3: The issue I had is that the resentment was so great.
Speaker 3: I had so much resentment for the lying and also
Speaker 3: because I was so insecure about this ex girlfriend, Like
Speaker 3: I had so much retroactive jealousy for her, and it
Speaker 3: was because I knew, I knew in my core I
Speaker 3: was being lied to. So I had so much resentment
Speaker 3: for him that this had happened, and that the lying
Speaker 3: had continued for the year of our life relationship that
Speaker 3: I was never able to get over it. But it
Speaker 3: eroded something in me that I wasn't able to get over.
Speaker 3: And I think that that's really such a defining thing
Speaker 3: when cheating happens, if you're able to mentally move past
Speaker 3: it and genuinely move past it as a team. But
Speaker 3: if you say you're going to move past it, but
Speaker 3: you hold on to all that like hatred and resentment
Speaker 3: and all of those feelings, it makes it like an
Speaker 3: impossible thing to move forward with.
Speaker 1: Do you know what? I also think it can do though,
Speaker 1: it containt your memories, So you can be in a
Speaker 1: situation where, you know, let's say you went on a
Speaker 1: holiday together three months into your relationship for this girl,
Speaker 1: So this is two weeks after the rounds of cheating happened,
Speaker 1: and you thought you had this amazing time.
Speaker 4: You thought you were, you know.
Speaker 1: Newly in love and like connecting so well, it makes
Speaker 1: you question, like was that a reality for both of us.
Speaker 1: Or were you just like, were you just pretending because
Speaker 1: you felt so guilty about something you'd done a week ago,
Speaker 1: like you'd slept.
Speaker 3: With this other person, or were you on that holiday
Speaker 3: texting another girl the whole time?
Speaker 2: On hundred percent?
Speaker 1: And I think it can really taint your memories, and
Speaker 1: that has the ability to kind of gaslight you over
Speaker 1: your own reality. So the only advice that I think
Speaker 1: I would have for you, like if you were my
Speaker 1: friend coming to me and saying this, I would say,
Speaker 1: let's keep talking about this, because so often in these situations, I.
Speaker 2: Think we can feel a little bit embarrassed.
Speaker 1: You know that this person has deceived us for so
Speaker 1: long and that we had no idea that this was
Speaker 1: going on, and we can be tempted to not want
Speaker 1: to talk about it with our friends because we think
Speaker 1: it makes us lose a little bit of dignity. I
Speaker 1: really hope you don't feel that way. I hope that
Speaker 1: you have a friend that you can talk to about this,
Speaker 1: because he actually needs to be accountable to someone outside
Speaker 1: of you as well. You are the one with the
Speaker 1: rose colored glasses, because you have the emotions and the
Speaker 1: feelings for him. I feel as though in these situations
Speaker 1: our friends can be really good because they're a little
Speaker 1: bit more impartial to have your back, and so if
Speaker 1: this type of thing starts to eat away at you,
Speaker 1: they will be able.
Speaker 4: To keep you in check.
Speaker 3: You don't know someone at the six month mark of
Speaker 3: a relationship. You don't even know someone completely necessarily at
Speaker 3: the nine month mark, because you've not gone through all
Speaker 3: the big stages of a relationship that shows you how
Speaker 3: someone is and who they're going to be. And he
Speaker 3: may be amazing, and this might have been a big mistake.
Speaker 3: He might be super narcissistic and someone who has no
Speaker 3: issue with lying and being able to bend the truth
Speaker 3: in ways. You won't know this until more of his
Speaker 3: personality and more of who he is comes to light.
Speaker 3: But I would say, if you are committed and you
Speaker 3: really desperately want to give this another chance, I'm not
Speaker 3: gonna sit here and tell you not to. But those
Speaker 3: rose colored glasses are off now, all right? Question number two.
Speaker 2: I've been seeing a guy for a month. So far,
Speaker 2: so good.
Speaker 1: Convo's good hobbies, a line values a line, and watching
Speaker 1: him work out was a beautiful sight. But he's going
Speaker 1: away in two weeks for a two month trip with
Speaker 1: a mate, Usually it would be way too soon to
Speaker 1: define the relationship. But with him going away, my question
Speaker 1: is do I ask are we not sleeping with other
Speaker 1: people during this time? I feel like it's usually too
Speaker 1: soon to ask, But I also think that if he
Speaker 1: likes me, he shouldn't want to. He has also told
Speaker 1: me that he's deleted all the apps, which is how
Speaker 1: we met.
Speaker 2: Do I have the conversation where is he going on
Speaker 2: his two week trip?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 2: Is he going to Mexico? Is he going to Cancun?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 4: Is he going to Vegas?
Speaker 2: Going to Vatican?
Speaker 4: Is he going to the Vatican?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 4: It's very I think that that's an.
Speaker 3: Important part of what might make you be like what
Speaker 3: is happening here? Like?
Speaker 4: What type of trip is he going on?
Speaker 2: I don't know. You can hook out with people on any.
Speaker 3: That's true, not in a Mormon community, though maybe he's
Speaker 3: going to do like you know, he could be going
Speaker 3: on a Bible trip.
Speaker 1: I don't know, Keisha, Have I ever told you that
Speaker 1: the first time I saw the coliseum was like on a.
Speaker 2: Walk of shame?
Speaker 4: You saw the Colisseum on a walk of shame?
Speaker 5: Yeah?
Speaker 3: Were you like, this is a beautiful moment in life
Speaker 3: that I will one day talk about on a podcast.
Speaker 2: I absolutely was not. I was like, Wow, that's not
Speaker 2: how I thought this would go.
Speaker 3: This is beautiful at seven am in the morning, I mean, brilliant.
Speaker 3: Look I when it comes to anything like this, And yes,
Speaker 3: I know you're like, Okay, it might be too soon.
Speaker 4: You've only been dating for a month.
Speaker 3: He obviously had this tripped planned way before you met,
Speaker 3: So it's just unfortunate the timing, I would say, ask
Speaker 3: the question. I guess my worry for you is is like,
Speaker 3: what would be the outcome? What's the worst case scenario here?
Speaker 3: The worst case scenario is he says, look, I'm not
Speaker 3: ready to be exclusive yet, in which case he's telling
Speaker 3: you I'm going overseas and I'm going to you know,
Speaker 3: get it on with other people.
Speaker 4: I'm open to the opportunity.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm gonna potentially get down to hanky pankytown. Which
Speaker 3: you have to decide that at this point of four
Speaker 3: weeks of dating, are you okay with that? Like, will
Speaker 3: you I mean, going back to what we just said,
Speaker 3: will you hold onto resentment for that? If he hooks
Speaker 3: up with ten chicks while he's away. Are you gonna
Speaker 3: be like successive.
Speaker 4: In two weeks?
Speaker 3: I mean it is, but it could happen. Are you
Speaker 3: going to hate him for that? Will he come back
Speaker 3: from this trip and you're gonna have massive ick because
Speaker 3: that's a very big possibility. I think the worst alternate
Speaker 3: is not asking him and hoping that he doesn't and
Speaker 3: then finding out that he does and being really really
Speaker 3: hurt because you were sitting around waiting for him. I
Speaker 3: think it's so easy to just ask a question of like,
Speaker 3: I know that this seems premature, but I just want
Speaker 3: to kind of know where we're at before you go
Speaker 3: on this trip. It might be obvious to you, but
Speaker 3: just so I'm not in the dark on this. Are
Speaker 3: you hooking up with other people while you're away or
Speaker 3: do you have the intention of, you know, keeping your
Speaker 3: options open while you're away.
Speaker 1: Firstly, I think the better question to ask is are
Speaker 1: we hooking up with other people? Because you've always got
Speaker 1: to plant the fail? Yeah I might exadly be doing
Speaker 1: it too. Yeah that may change their answer. But I
Speaker 1: think also you need to have a think about how
Speaker 1: you view sex, because for some people it can be
Speaker 1: something that really makes you feel emotionally connected to someone,
Speaker 1: and for other people it can just simply be a
Speaker 1: physical act that is euphoric, particularly when you're traveling, Like
Speaker 1: you know, it's just kind of a part of the
Speaker 1: fun is that you wild people.
Speaker 2: In my own experiences, both of those things have occurred.
Speaker 1: So I've hooked up with people while I've been traveling
Speaker 1: where it was just a one and done like that
Speaker 1: was so much fun. Really enjoyed the experience, but didn't
Speaker 1: think that it changed anything emotionally for me, and didn't
Speaker 1: change anything for me at home.
Speaker 2: It's kind of like this weird experience that is out of.
Speaker 4: Bottom means nothing.
Speaker 1: It did mean something to me, It meant fun, and
Speaker 1: it meant a really good experience, but it means nothing
Speaker 1: from an emotional connection.
Speaker 3: And that's and people can one hundred percent dis associate
Speaker 3: themselves in terms of like sex and feelings. Absolutely like
Speaker 3: it feels good and it's fun, like that was the
Speaker 3: extent of it. I don't have any connection or like
Speaker 3: even want to see that person again. But regardless of that,
Speaker 3: it doesn't change the fact that it still hurts. It
Speaker 3: still hurts if someone you really like goes and just
Speaker 3: has fun with someone else and sticks their dick inside
Speaker 3: them like that still hurts, still makes you not feel
Speaker 3: still makes you feel really unfun when you're on the
Speaker 3: other side of it, I mean really no, because.
Speaker 1: It makes you think like, oh, they're off having these
Speaker 1: euphoric experiences and here I am at home. I'm just
Speaker 1: the normal one at home whose life isn't changing for
Speaker 1: two weeks, which is why I think it's important you say, ah,
Speaker 1: we even if you're not going to be hooking up
Speaker 1: with other people, I think you just need to evaluate
Speaker 1: how you're going to feel.
Speaker 2: If he was to say, look.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I probably am going to hook up with people,
Speaker 1: and you need to decide whether that is going to
Speaker 1: fundamentally change things.
Speaker 2: For you or whether you don't really care.
Speaker 1: Because if you don't really care, I don't know how
Speaker 1: much knowing that information is actually going to help you.
Speaker 3: I think she cares. I don't think she would be
Speaker 3: asking the question if she didn't care. I think if
Speaker 3: she didn't care, she would be like, whatever, let's just
Speaker 3: you go, acknowledging the fact that it's probably highly likely
Speaker 3: and not wanting clarity on it. I think the very
Speaker 3: reason that she's asking it would indicate that.
Speaker 1: She cares, Yeah, But do you care from an ego perspective,
Speaker 1: like do you care only because you're like, well, you're
Speaker 1: going off having these fun times and I'm at home
Speaker 1: not doing that, or do you care because you think
Speaker 1: it shifts the relationship.
Speaker 2: That you've started.
Speaker 3: I think at this point, you know, at the four
Speaker 3: week mark of dating someone, especially when it's the four
Speaker 3: week mark of dating someone knowing full well that they're
Speaker 3: going on a two week boys trip. From the start,
Speaker 3: It's not like he just dropped this on you if
Speaker 3: you've known this since the beginning of your dating and
Speaker 3: he hasn't brought up exclusivity, and he hasn't said, look,
Speaker 3: I'm going on this trip, but I'm not going to
Speaker 3: be seeing anyone else. Even though he said I've deleted
Speaker 3: the apps, I would make the assumption that he's not
Speaker 3: ready to make a commitment pre trip.
Speaker 4: Very good chance he's going to come home from.
Speaker 3: This trip, especially because he's already seated enough of it
Speaker 3: of like, you know, I've deleted the apps, but I'm
Speaker 3: going to download them when I'm in you know, whatever,
Speaker 3: the Vatican. But I would say that he probably will
Speaker 3: keep his options open whilst he's overseas to not limit
Speaker 3: his fun and experiences and all of those things. And
Speaker 3: maybe if I was you, especially with it only being
Speaker 3: at the four week mark, if you really like the guy,
Speaker 3: I would be putting a mental pause on things, and
Speaker 3: like especially right now, trying not to get too invested
Speaker 3: knowing that there is this like handbrake that's being pulled
Speaker 3: for two weeks and just kind of you keep seeing
Speaker 3: other people, you keep doing other things. Because I don't
Speaker 3: like the idea of him saying I've deleted all the
Speaker 3: apps implying exclusivity if it doesn't exist, because that's where
Speaker 3: you're gonna get yourself into a situation where you feel
Speaker 3: as though you were hard done by it, or you
Speaker 3: were tricked, or you know, he implied commitment and then
Speaker 3: you found out actually he did X y Z while
Speaker 3: he was traveling. I don't think it is too soon
Speaker 3: to ask the question at all. And I really really
Speaker 3: love the way that you phrased it, Keisha, because I
Speaker 3: was only coming to it from a are you going
Speaker 3: to be doing this while you're away?
Speaker 4: But I think by asking are we going to be
Speaker 4: doing this while.
Speaker 3: You're away, you no longer come across as clinging you
Speaker 3: no longer come across as.
Speaker 2: Like, oh, don't go and have sex with other people.
Speaker 3: You're like, I'm clarifying this for myself because I don't
Speaker 3: want to hurt you either.
Speaker 4: So let's just check.
Speaker 3: Because I'm probably are fucking live but at works because
Speaker 3: I have such a long list of men who are
Speaker 3: waiting to fuck me whilst you're gone.
Speaker 4: So as soon as you.
Speaker 2: Leave Harry, he's at it. Here got two week window
Speaker 2: of having fun times, you know what I mean?
Speaker 3: Like, I think making it such an open thing and
Speaker 3: making it about the both of you and about how
Speaker 3: you're both going to engage in things while he's away,
Speaker 3: it really shifts the almost like accusation of it, or
Speaker 3: it shifts the intensity of it and from it being
Speaker 3: about like what he's doing while he's on holidays.
Speaker 1: The only other thing I do want to say is
Speaker 1: that I think if you do end up deciding not
Speaker 1: to have the conversation, I don't think you should ask
Speaker 1: him when he gets Absolutely not, because I think you
Speaker 1: know a lot of us. Curiosity killed the cat, and
Speaker 1: curiosity could kill your relationship if you decide to not
Speaker 1: ask him what their kind of boundaries are before he
Speaker 1: goes away, but then you ask him after the fact
Speaker 1: and you find out that things did hook up with
Speaker 1: someone else, like, yeah, things you don't like. I don't
Speaker 1: think it's fair to kind of apply that exclusivity even
Speaker 1: though you didn't have the chat.
Speaker 4: Yeah, but that's so hard.
Speaker 3: The thing that's so hard about that is when you've
Speaker 3: had four weeks of dating someone and four weeks of
Speaker 3: being intimate with them, it's a very short period of time.
Speaker 3: But I understand that, like a lot of intensity can
Speaker 3: be achieved, especially if you're someone who's like all in
Speaker 3: on a relationship. You're in that like, ah, oh my god,
Speaker 3: this guy's amazing phase and you don't want to say
Speaker 3: or do anything that's going to screw it up, right,
Speaker 3: But then they go away for two weeks and then
Speaker 3: they come back. You don't know if they've had sex
Speaker 3: with other people, and then it's the feeling of like, oh, well,
Speaker 3: had they had an STI check, like did they go
Speaker 3: and get a sexual So I'm going to ask to
Speaker 3: protect myself, right, I'm going to be like, so, did
Speaker 3: you sleep with anyone else?
Speaker 4: Why you're overseas?
Speaker 3: Because I want to know from uh am I going
Speaker 3: to be safe, which is such an interesting mindset because
Speaker 3: I know that that's where some people will go to.
Speaker 3: But do you get into a new relationship every single
Speaker 3: time you first date someone and have sex with them? Go,
Speaker 3: when was the last time you had your sexual health check?
Speaker 3: Have you slept with anyone since your last sexual health check?
Speaker 1: Do you know? I mean?
Speaker 2: Am I only out of here? Because I definitely have
Speaker 2: asked that question many times?
Speaker 4: Do you ask them as soon as you start dating?
Speaker 2: I think you should before we have any type of
Speaker 2: unprotected set.
Speaker 4: Good.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but you know what I have done.
Speaker 1: I've asked the question in the past under the premise
Speaker 1: of it being for my safety, when really I was
Speaker 1: just trying to find out whether they had slept with
Speaker 1: someone else or not.
Speaker 2: Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: Like it definitely it was something that was absolutely on
Speaker 1: my mind.
Speaker 2: But I've asked it for more.
Speaker 4: Than one reason.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think the happy medium of this is, like
Speaker 1: you want to have a conversation, like you said, Laura,
Speaker 1: she does care, just pose it as what are we doing?
Speaker 1: You know, like I'm just I'm just surveying the landscape,
Speaker 1: rather than it kind of being.
Speaker 2: A little bit of a like are you gonna be hooking?
Speaker 2: Up with other people like.
Speaker 1: It's less accusatory, you know, and I think it will
Speaker 1: give you a better progression in your potential relationship.
Speaker 2: So good luck.
Speaker 3: This one is very spicy and I have very strong
Speaker 3: feelings about it.
Speaker 4: Blow job etiquette.
Speaker 3: I was in a seventeen year relationship, married with two kids.
Speaker 3: It was a tough time when we separated, and I
Speaker 3: gave myself a year before I started dating again. I
Speaker 3: hadn't dated a lot before I got married, and I
Speaker 3: have just dating a bit now and it has been
Speaker 3: fun and hard and an emotional rollercoaster.
Speaker 4: No pun intended.
Speaker 3: But my question is what is the etiquette when giving
Speaker 3: a blowjob? Should he ask you or tell you before
Speaker 3: he comes in your mouth? I went out with a
Speaker 3: guy on a few dates, and the first time we
Speaker 3: were intimate together, I was quite surprised when I went
Speaker 3: down on him, and a short time later he just
Speaker 3: came in my mouth without saying anything. Until after he
Speaker 3: came he said, good girl. I felt degraded and a
Speaker 3: bit used. To be honest, I usually don't mind this happening,
Speaker 3: but previous guys have always asked or warned me, so
Speaker 3: I can make a choice. What do you think I
Speaker 3: hate this man bought a flog?
Speaker 2: Good girl? Did he pat you on the head and
Speaker 2: give you a treat? You're not a dog.
Speaker 3: I actually it makes me feel like I've wanted to vomit.
Speaker 4: I feel physically sick.
Speaker 3: That whah, Okay, My feelings, my strong feelings around this
Speaker 3: are having some one, a guy come in your mouth
Speaker 3: is an opt in situation, and if they don't ask
Speaker 3: you that, if you're okay with that, they are doing
Speaker 3: something that is without your consent. You can give a
Speaker 3: blowjob up to the point of them coming, but if
Speaker 3: they have not explicitly gotten permission to do so, they
Speaker 3: have absolutely crossed the line. And that is how I
Speaker 3: feel about this, because it is there is such a
Speaker 3: big difference between giving a blowjob and having someone actually
Speaker 3: come in your mouth. They are two completely different things.
Speaker 2: I couldn't lame with you more so, I'm not going
Speaker 2: to read it ate.
Speaker 3: And it makes me feel angry that he thinks that
Speaker 3: this is okay, and that then in such a like
Speaker 3: a oh, it's like so infantizing, like good girl, That's actually.
Speaker 1: Where the bigger problem for me happened. Let's say hypothetically
Speaker 1: he came without much warning and for some reason, he
Speaker 1: didn't have enough time to indicate to you, this is
Speaker 1: about to happen.
Speaker 2: I need you.
Speaker 4: You don't believe I still don't believe it.
Speaker 1: It's not common, but let's just say it for this
Speaker 1: the sake of argument that that is what occurred.
Speaker 4: He would say sorry.
Speaker 1: He should apologize and say sorry that I didn't check
Speaker 1: with you. Whether that was okay or not. His reaction
Speaker 1: is the most concerning part for me. Yes, I firstly,
Speaker 1: I think it absolutely should be and agreed upon situation
Speaker 1: as to what is happening with that product.
Speaker 2: If it's not, I can't stop shivering because I feel
Speaker 2: viscerally sick.
Speaker 3: And I have no issue with doing it. It's just
Speaker 3: like I have an issue with it being some random
Speaker 3: guy that didn't ask.
Speaker 4: If I was okay with it, because it is.
Speaker 1: It is so invasive, the good girl bullshit, like sorry,
Speaker 1: so premeditated. I don't think anything in that situation could
Speaker 1: make me feel more sick. I don't think anything would
Speaker 1: make me like want to get out. And also, just
Speaker 1: so you know, that's not normal.
Speaker 4: I'm not a virgin.
Speaker 2: Mary.
Speaker 1: There has never been a circumstance where someone has done
Speaker 1: that without asking me and the and said good girl
Speaker 1: to me and patted me on the head, like the minority.
Speaker 3: I'm not saying, Okay, if you're into like being caught
Speaker 3: a good little girl like that could be a king
Speaker 3: for you, that's fine. But for me, it's the not
Speaker 3: knowing that you're okay with that, right, that's a different thing.
Speaker 3: It's if you're okay with being told that you're a
Speaker 3: good little girl and getting spanked, like that's fine, but
Speaker 3: that's something that you have to he has to know
Speaker 3: that you enjoy. Otherwise it is degrading. Otherwise it is
Speaker 3: an assumption that he is belittling you. It is infantizing,
Speaker 3: like it is the way that you felt, I think
Speaker 3: is overarchingly a normal reaction that most women would feel.
Speaker 3: And he absolutely went beyond blowjob etiquette, like he does
Speaker 3: not either he doesn't know what isn't isn't okay or
Speaker 3: he's purposely done this, and both of those things are
Speaker 3: not all right, right, Like it's not okay to not
Speaker 3: know and not to be conscious enough around like what
Speaker 3: constitute consent when it comes to sex, Like we're old
Speaker 3: enough and silly enough now that and there's been there's
Speaker 3: enough educational material out there that there is no excuse
Speaker 3: to not know. And secondly, if he's doing it on purpose,
Speaker 3: he's an absolute effing flog because he's prioritizing his sexual
Speaker 3: gratification over your comfort and where your boundaries lie. Usually
Speaker 3: there is some indication, whether they've asked you whether it's
Speaker 3: okay or not okay, there's some indication that they're about
Speaker 3: to do it. They'll say I'm about to come, They'll
Speaker 3: say something that allows you to make up your mind
Speaker 3: as to whether you want that to be in your
Speaker 3: mouth or not. There is, But if he like purposely
Speaker 3: made no indication of that, it's almost more like he
Speaker 3: was trying to kind of get one past the goalkeeper
Speaker 3: to say, I'm just trying to think of a time
Speaker 3: where i haven't known that someone was gonna come, and
Speaker 3: it's like I've always known, because there's always been some indication,
Speaker 3: which makes me think for him to be able to
Speaker 3: just do it without you realizing, he would have had
Speaker 3: to have suppressed all of the telltale signs that it
Speaker 3: was about to happen in order to get away with
Speaker 3: doing it, so that he could get it past you
Speaker 3: without giving you the choice. It's there's many levels of
Speaker 3: gross here.
Speaker 1: I so unanimously agree with you, like, I don't think
Speaker 1: there's ever been a question where we have felt this
Speaker 1: opinionated but been on the same side of the fence,
Speaker 1: I think, and I'm giving way too much benefit of
Speaker 1: the doubt when I said, like, you know, maybe it
Speaker 1: happened by accident, but it is possible. And for the
Speaker 1: chance of possibility. For me, it's the reaction to this
Speaker 1: that is the bigger issue. It's the fact that there
Speaker 1: wasn't an apology. There was.
Speaker 2: He didn't.
Speaker 4: It was an expectation, good guests, Yes he didn't.
Speaker 1: He actually has not at all checked the consent box
Speaker 1: here with you, because he just did something and assumed
Speaker 1: that it was absolutely fine to do. And I think
Speaker 1: if I were in that situation, I would probably be
Speaker 1: just as shocked as you know.
Speaker 3: So I don't think it's even worse. It's not that
Speaker 3: he thought it was absolutely fine to do. He didn't
Speaker 3: care whether it was fine or not. That's the thing.
Speaker 3: It goes beyond him thinking it's okay. He didn't care
Speaker 3: if it was okay, And that's the thing I have
Speaker 3: a problem with.
Speaker 1: Yeah, chuck this guy in the bin. Please don't go
Speaker 1: out with him again, like, don't even reply to him.
Speaker 1: This is it's really gross behavior. And it's all so
Speaker 1: indicative of what a relationship with him may be like.
Speaker 1: Because if he's not checking for consent on something like that,
Speaker 1: what else is he not gonna check with you on?
Speaker 2: You know, like to me, that is it is. It
Speaker 2: is one of the biggest red flags.
Speaker 3: I would say, you can have a conversation about it,
Speaker 3: because like he he may have in that instance gotten
Speaker 3: signs from you that you were okay with it, and
Speaker 3: he may have so deeply, like I'm giving the benefit
Speaker 3: of the dabt at the very end, yet he may
Speaker 3: have so deeply misinterpreted that situation, which says a lot
Speaker 3: and he shouldn't have. But if you say to him, hey,
Speaker 3: actually that kind of made me feel gross and I
Speaker 3: didn't like that, and you know, in future, can you
Speaker 3: please like, you know, at least I ask if I'm
Speaker 3: okay with it, or give me some sort of warning
Speaker 3: signs so that I have the opportunity to choose. It's
Speaker 3: his reaction to that conversation which is really going to
Speaker 3: be the nail in the coffin for me. If he's like,
Speaker 3: oh my god, I'm so sorry I thought that fucking hell,
Speaker 3: I misread that so deeply. That is a whole different
Speaker 3: action then, Like, what do you mean you know we're
Speaker 3: all enjoying ourselves.
Speaker 1: Yeah, to me, it just like it is on the
Speaker 1: side of being too like forgiving of something that should
Speaker 1: be such a fundamental understanding of research for someone that
Speaker 1: I'm kind.
Speaker 2: Of a bit like, is that diminishing?
Speaker 1: But if he turns around you do that conversation and says,
Speaker 1: bad girl, get a fuck out of there, like, oh,
Speaker 1: bad little girl.
Speaker 3: If you have a question for asking on cut, you
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Speaker 3: You can watch it and listen to it wherever you
Speaker 3: want to. Also a reminder of the Tones and I
Speaker 3: episode because it's just so amazing and we really, really
Speaker 3: really would love you to go and listen to that,
Speaker 3: you know.
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Speaker 2: Bakamada Bagama and batam Kagataya