1 00:00:05,920 --> 00:00:08,239 Speaker 1: Today and welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. Screens are 2 00:00:08,240 --> 00:00:10,239 Speaker 1: at the center of pretty much every parenting dilemma we're 3 00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:13,760 Speaker 1: facing today. It's so common for us to be grappling 4 00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:17,160 Speaker 1: with how our children interact with screens, how screens interact 5 00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:20,840 Speaker 1: with how children interact with them. He is, screens are 6 00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:24,319 Speaker 1: at the core of every major parenting dilemma, or at 7 00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:27,600 Speaker 1: least the vast majority of them. And today, answering your 8 00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:31,240 Speaker 1: tricky questions, I'm flying solo, Misshappy Families can't be with 9 00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:33,400 Speaker 1: me today, But right after the break, we're going to 10 00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:38,480 Speaker 1: dip into a tricky question about helping kids to be connected. 11 00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:40,800 Speaker 1: When all the friends are on screens and you're trying 12 00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:44,400 Speaker 1: so hard to not have your kids on screens, what 13 00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:45,800 Speaker 1: are we supposed to do that? 14 00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:48,040 Speaker 2: Next? Stay with us. 15 00:00:50,479 --> 00:00:53,720 Speaker 1: Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. Real parenting Solutions 16 00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:56,920 Speaker 1: every single day. It's Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. My 17 00:00:57,000 --> 00:01:00,360 Speaker 1: name stops Justin Colson, dad to six, daughter's husband to 18 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:03,400 Speaker 1: one wife, author of nine books. Of the tenth book 19 00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:06,200 Speaker 1: is about to hit the bookshelves only a couple of 20 00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:09,280 Speaker 1: months ago. Now about raising boys, But today one of 21 00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:11,800 Speaker 1: your tricky questions if you've got a question like you'd 22 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:14,400 Speaker 1: like to ask, just jump online to happy families dot 23 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:16,360 Speaker 1: com dot a you. We have a super simple system 24 00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:18,800 Speaker 1: there where you can click a button start talking about 25 00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:20,720 Speaker 1: anything that's on your mind, anything that you're struggling with. 26 00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:23,399 Speaker 1: I'd love to know about it. Happy families dot com 27 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:25,120 Speaker 1: dot you, or you can send a voice memo to 28 00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:30,160 Speaker 1: podcasts at happy families dot com dot AU. Here we 29 00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:33,280 Speaker 1: go with today's tricky question. This one is from Carolyn 30 00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:34,560 Speaker 1: in Melbourne. 31 00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:38,440 Speaker 3: Hi, my name's Carolyn. I'm calling from Greensboro. I'm looking 32 00:01:38,440 --> 00:01:42,800 Speaker 3: for some guidance around peer groups and the pressure that 33 00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:45,800 Speaker 3: they put on on children. I have an eleven year 34 00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:49,400 Speaker 3: old daughter who is really looking to spend some more 35 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:52,280 Speaker 3: time with her peers and get a mobile phone and 36 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:56,160 Speaker 3: follow the crowd. We have some pretty strict boundaries at home, 37 00:01:56,240 --> 00:02:00,640 Speaker 3: and I'm concerned that in sticking to those is actually 38 00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:03,760 Speaker 3: going to push her away. Can you please give me 39 00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:06,440 Speaker 3: some advice around the best way to manage this? 40 00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:09,839 Speaker 1: Thank you, okay, Carolyn. Not an uncommon question and something 41 00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:11,760 Speaker 1: that so many parents are struggling with. Kids want to 42 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:14,200 Speaker 1: connect with their peers, peers are on phones. Child now 43 00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:16,320 Speaker 1: ons a phone you've got a strategy around keeping your 44 00:02:16,360 --> 00:02:18,200 Speaker 1: children off phones for as long as time we'll allow it. 45 00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:20,880 Speaker 1: How do we navigate this? I think the first thing 46 00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:22,960 Speaker 1: is that we've got to start with the validation of 47 00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:25,600 Speaker 1: the need. We've got an loven year old daughter here 48 00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:28,200 Speaker 1: who is asking for something that is both healthy and 49 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:33,919 Speaker 1: age appropriate, more connection with her peers around about eleven 50 00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:39,600 Speaker 1: ish friendships become central to identity development, they're central to 51 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:42,240 Speaker 1: well being. This is a good thing. We don't want 52 00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:44,720 Speaker 1: to fight this need. We want to support it. It's 53 00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:48,680 Speaker 1: just that the method of supporting it needs a little 54 00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:52,280 Speaker 1: bit of finessing. And there's some conversations that need to 55 00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:54,840 Speaker 1: be had with your daughter. I should also add some 56 00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:56,840 Speaker 1: of these conversations are just not going to go very well, 57 00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:59,919 Speaker 1: no matter how carefully you follow in instructions that would 58 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:03,600 Speaker 1: discussing this podcast. So let's talk about this idea of 59 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:06,160 Speaker 1: strict boundaries, because it's very clear from what you've said, Caroen, 60 00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:09,320 Speaker 1: that you're worried that by having boundaries in place, that 61 00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:12,320 Speaker 1: you're going to push your daughter away. And it's true 62 00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:15,600 Speaker 1: that sometimes boundaries can do that. Rules without relationships lead 63 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:20,360 Speaker 1: to rebellion, but research also shows that kids do not 64 00:03:20,639 --> 00:03:25,040 Speaker 1: pull away from parents who hold firm on important values 65 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:28,760 Speaker 1: and boundaries. They pull away though, from parents who are 66 00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:34,320 Speaker 1: dismissive or controlling, or who are unwilling to listen. That is, 67 00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:37,880 Speaker 1: there are a range of autonomy supportive and need supportive 68 00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:42,000 Speaker 1: behaviors that you can engage in that facilitate the development 69 00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:46,680 Speaker 1: and the internalization a willingness to follow boundaries. So there 70 00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:48,760 Speaker 1: are five or six different ways that we can look 71 00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:51,600 Speaker 1: at how your child's going to regulate herself. The first 72 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:55,560 Speaker 1: one is external regulators. That's basically you threatening or promising 73 00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:58,160 Speaker 1: goodies when the kids do the right thing completely, an effective, 74 00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:01,720 Speaker 1: lowest form of education. The next kind is this thing 75 00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:04,240 Speaker 1: that's called interjective. That's when I'm doing it because I 76 00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:07,440 Speaker 1: have to. No one's making it, but I'm doing it 77 00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:10,400 Speaker 1: because I'm supposed to. I should, I have to, I must. 78 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:12,360 Speaker 1: The third kind is the one that we're trying to 79 00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:14,560 Speaker 1: get to here when it comes to your child being 80 00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:17,599 Speaker 1: on board with the boundaries and going, Okay, they're strict, 81 00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:20,120 Speaker 1: but I get it. And this is where the word 82 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:24,359 Speaker 1: values really sort of this is the lynch pin the 83 00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:29,800 Speaker 1: hinge point. Values are things that I get like, I 84 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:32,760 Speaker 1: value it. I see the benefit of it. I buy 85 00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:37,360 Speaker 1: the why. I understand the rationale. So when I say 86 00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:40,040 Speaker 1: that you're worried that having these boundaries are going to 87 00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:43,320 Speaker 1: push her away, they'll only push her away if she 88 00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:46,760 Speaker 1: perceives that the boundaries are unfairly controlling, or that you're 89 00:04:46,839 --> 00:04:49,200 Speaker 1: dismissive of her needs and you're not willing to listen 90 00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:54,159 Speaker 1: to what's going on. You can create boundaries where she goes, 91 00:04:54,279 --> 00:04:57,240 Speaker 1: Oh okay, So you're getting where I'm coming from. But 92 00:04:57,520 --> 00:05:01,920 Speaker 1: I understand your rationale, understand your why. I understand the 93 00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:04,119 Speaker 1: reason that you're saying that these boundaries are in place. 94 00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:07,400 Speaker 1: Your child might not like the boundaries, but they'll be like, yeah, 95 00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:09,640 Speaker 1: this kind of makes sense. Don't like it, but it 96 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:14,200 Speaker 1: makes sense. Therefore, I'm identifying my regulation around this, my 97 00:05:14,279 --> 00:05:18,520 Speaker 1: motivation around this is what psychologists would call identified regulation, 98 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:21,280 Speaker 1: and this is what we're trying to get to. This 99 00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:24,440 Speaker 1: means that you can develop boundaries with her and stay 100 00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:27,000 Speaker 1: close with her because of it's not what you say, 101 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:28,680 Speaker 1: it's how you say it. It's not what you do, 102 00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:32,120 Speaker 1: it's how you do it. So all we're really trying 103 00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:37,359 Speaker 1: to do is separate the phone from her connection with 104 00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:39,680 Speaker 1: her peers. You can tell her that the phone is 105 00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:43,400 Speaker 1: a tool, but it's not the only tool for meeting 106 00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:46,200 Speaker 1: her need for peer connection. What we're trying to do 107 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:48,200 Speaker 1: is find ways to say yes to more friend time 108 00:05:48,279 --> 00:05:50,640 Speaker 1: while saying not yet to the phone. And in our home, 109 00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:53,039 Speaker 1: we've done a lot of this around having a landline, 110 00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:57,440 Speaker 1: minimizing our children's access to devices, and finding other ways 111 00:05:57,480 --> 00:05:59,479 Speaker 1: for them to communicate or if they do need to 112 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:02,679 Speaker 1: do it, being on a very strictly monitored chat group 113 00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:04,839 Speaker 1: that the parents know what's going on, they can be 114 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:09,080 Speaker 1: involved in any time because it's on a parent phone. Okay, 115 00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:11,120 Speaker 1: so we're going to talk about how we do all 116 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:14,479 Speaker 1: of that right after the break, including a framework or model, 117 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:17,960 Speaker 1: plus some scripts that you can use that will make 118 00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:29,200 Speaker 1: these conversations work. Stay with us, we're back. This is 119 00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:32,080 Speaker 1: the Happy Family's podcast, answering your tricky questions. If you 120 00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:34,560 Speaker 1: find these answers helpful, if you think the podcast is 121 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:37,480 Speaker 1: making difference in your family, please share it with your friends. 122 00:06:37,640 --> 00:06:40,240 Speaker 1: Just click the shared button and pass along to somebody 123 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:43,960 Speaker 1: that you think might benefit from the conversation we're having. Okay, 124 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:45,760 Speaker 1: so you've heard me. If you've listened to the podcast 125 00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:48,560 Speaker 1: for any long time talk about the three's of effective discipline. 126 00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:50,120 Speaker 1: I want to step into that with a little bit 127 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:52,600 Speaker 1: of nuance and a little bit of a little bit 128 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:56,960 Speaker 1: of scripting around this. Let's talk about explore, explain, empower. 129 00:06:57,400 --> 00:06:59,280 Speaker 1: Got a child wants to use the phone, wants to 130 00:06:59,279 --> 00:07:01,800 Speaker 1: be connected with a friends, and we're saying. 131 00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:03,560 Speaker 2: We don't love this. 132 00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:05,919 Speaker 1: So let's start with explore, Because where you're gathering that 133 00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:08,440 Speaker 1: information and showing that you care about her perspective, this 134 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:12,720 Speaker 1: is an autonomy supportive behavior. You say things like tell 135 00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:15,160 Speaker 1: me more about what you're hoping that a phone will 136 00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:18,480 Speaker 1: give you, or what do your friends do on the 137 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:22,160 Speaker 1: phone when you're together, or how does it feel being 138 00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:24,760 Speaker 1: the only one that doesn't have a phone. So as 139 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:27,920 Speaker 1: you get this information and you're genuinely trying to see 140 00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:29,720 Speaker 1: her perspective, you're not doing it because it's a tactic. 141 00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:31,520 Speaker 1: You're doing it because you actually care about what's going 142 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:34,360 Speaker 1: on in her world. She hopefully opens up, she shares, 143 00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:35,440 Speaker 1: she talks to you about it. 144 00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:36,520 Speaker 2: She's not trying to sell you. 145 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:39,800 Speaker 1: She's just answering questions about what's going on with the phone, 146 00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:44,280 Speaker 1: why it's so important, and why using the device is 147 00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:48,920 Speaker 1: such an integral part of making these connections work. Once 148 00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:50,560 Speaker 1: you've done that, and you've done it really effectively to 149 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:51,960 Speaker 1: the point that you can say, all right, so here's 150 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:54,000 Speaker 1: what you're saying. You're saying X, Y, and Z, and 151 00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:57,040 Speaker 1: your child says, oh, that's exactly what I'm saying, and 152 00:07:57,040 --> 00:07:59,040 Speaker 1: there's no disagreement, and you've said is there anything else 153 00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:01,360 Speaker 1: and they've said no, that's every thing. Then you move 154 00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:03,840 Speaker 1: to explain here's what I would say, based on a 155 00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:05,560 Speaker 1: Doctor's Desk episode that we did just a couple of 156 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:08,760 Speaker 1: weeks ago on the pod. Let's go to some stats 157 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:11,440 Speaker 1: from a study that was published in the Pediatrics Journal 158 00:08:12,160 --> 00:08:14,320 Speaker 1: a little while ago, and I talked about this at 159 00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:16,520 Speaker 1: length on the pod. I'd say to my child, I 160 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:18,880 Speaker 1: get you on the smartphone, but I want to talk 161 00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:21,640 Speaker 1: to you about what some researchers have discovered about kids 162 00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:23,840 Speaker 1: being on smartphones at your age. 163 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:25,560 Speaker 2: The younger you are. 164 00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:28,200 Speaker 1: The more likely it is that you'll have depression, the 165 00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:30,680 Speaker 1: more likely it is that you struggle with sleep, and 166 00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:32,679 Speaker 1: the greater the likely to believe it or not that 167 00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:35,719 Speaker 1: you're ever going to struggle with weight issues. Twelve year 168 00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:38,920 Speaker 1: olds with phones had a thirty one percent chance of 169 00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:43,040 Speaker 1: high depression, a forty percent chance of obesity, and a 170 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:46,640 Speaker 1: sixty two percent likelihood of worse sleep compared to twelve 171 00:08:46,720 --> 00:08:49,680 Speaker 1: year olds without phones. And that's when you use the 172 00:08:49,679 --> 00:08:54,280 Speaker 1: following line or script. My job as your mum is 173 00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:57,920 Speaker 1: to protect your developing brain, even when that feels unfair. 174 00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:02,679 Speaker 1: It's not about not you, it's about what these devices 175 00:09:02,679 --> 00:09:03,880 Speaker 1: have been designed to do. 176 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:06,960 Speaker 2: They're built to be addictive. And I don't want you 177 00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:08,800 Speaker 2: to be depressed. I don't want you to have bad sleep. 178 00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:10,880 Speaker 1: I don't want you to have any body image issues 179 00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:13,640 Speaker 1: or be worried about your weight. So my job is 180 00:09:13,679 --> 00:09:17,520 Speaker 1: to educate you on this and help you to be healthy. 181 00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:21,679 Speaker 1: So let's explore and explain. Now we move to empower, 182 00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:24,160 Speaker 1: So that's when you basically say something along the lines 183 00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:27,600 Speaker 1: of it. And again here's a really gentle and easy script 184 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:30,280 Speaker 1: for you. Let's figure out together how we can help 185 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:33,000 Speaker 1: you stay connected to your friends in a way that 186 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:36,640 Speaker 1: doesn't require to be on a smartphone. And maybe you 187 00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:39,000 Speaker 1: start coming up with ideas like setting up more hangouts 188 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:42,880 Speaker 1: or get togethers using the family phone so that you 189 00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:44,880 Speaker 1: can text friends when you're at home, or using the 190 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:48,640 Speaker 1: landline so that you can have conversations and then you 191 00:09:48,679 --> 00:09:51,319 Speaker 1: might say when you're I'm going to say sixteen, you 192 00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:53,120 Speaker 1: might say Ford, I mean, every family's got to work 193 00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:53,960 Speaker 1: this out for themselves. 194 00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:55,079 Speaker 2: We'll talk about a smartphone. 195 00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:58,720 Speaker 1: When you've got enough money to provide for your own phone, 196 00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:01,560 Speaker 1: then we can talk about that. But for now, what 197 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:04,440 Speaker 1: would make this easier. The whole idea of empowerment is 198 00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:06,120 Speaker 1: not to say to your child, you can do what 199 00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:07,480 Speaker 1: if you want. I'm going to empower you a now 200 00:10:07,559 --> 00:10:10,600 Speaker 1: to explain some stuff. It's about saying, let's collaborate on this, 201 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:12,480 Speaker 1: and it's obviously moving away from. 202 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:14,000 Speaker 2: Dictating to your child. 203 00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:16,800 Speaker 1: The only other thing that I can really think of 204 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:18,280 Speaker 1: to share here, Carolyn, that I think is going to 205 00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:21,160 Speaker 1: be useful is this. You asked if sticking to your 206 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:25,679 Speaker 1: boundaries is going to push her away. But boundaries don't 207 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:29,400 Speaker 1: push kids away when they feel heard and loved. 208 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:30,600 Speaker 2: The thing that. 209 00:10:30,559 --> 00:10:33,600 Speaker 1: Damages relationships is when kids feel dismissed or when they 210 00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:36,920 Speaker 1: feel controlled, especially when there's no explanations. So if we 211 00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:39,080 Speaker 1: stay warm, and we stay connected, and if we hold 212 00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:41,120 Speaker 1: these boundaries but with lots of empathy and lots of 213 00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:45,440 Speaker 1: conversation and lots of exploration and explanation and empowerment. The 214 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:48,800 Speaker 1: data points to children doing better. It doesn't guarantee that 215 00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:51,160 Speaker 1: there won't be any fights. It doesn't stop the pleading 216 00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:52,679 Speaker 1: and that, but I can, I can, I, and I'm 217 00:10:52,679 --> 00:10:54,000 Speaker 1: going to ask every second day until I. 218 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:54,480 Speaker 2: Get a yes. 219 00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:57,520 Speaker 1: What it does do, though, is, as a general rule, 220 00:10:57,559 --> 00:11:00,320 Speaker 1: it shows that children are going to respect you, They're 221 00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:01,280 Speaker 1: going to respect. 222 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:02,800 Speaker 2: The rule, and they're much more likely to go along 223 00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:03,080 Speaker 2: with it. 224 00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:06,440 Speaker 1: There's no iron clad way, there's no one hundred percent guaranteed 225 00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:10,840 Speaker 1: solution here, but this is, from my read of the research, 226 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:12,800 Speaker 1: one of the most proven and one of the most 227 00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:15,840 Speaker 1: powerful ways that we can move the needle in a 228 00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:18,200 Speaker 1: positive direction in these tricky conversations. 229 00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:21,640 Speaker 2: So where do we land with this right now? The 230 00:11:21,679 --> 00:11:22,160 Speaker 2: answer is no. 231 00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:25,240 Speaker 1: But when you're old enough to buy your own phone, 232 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:28,520 Speaker 1: or when you're fourteen, or when you're able to demonstrate 233 00:11:28,559 --> 00:11:31,560 Speaker 1: this level of responsibility, we're happy to revisit this with you, 234 00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:34,520 Speaker 1: and that will give her something to work towards and 235 00:11:34,559 --> 00:11:39,520 Speaker 1: show that you're not being unilaterally or arbitrarily rigid endlessly 236 00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:43,880 Speaker 1: and forever. Our youngest really, really, really wants an iPad. 237 00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:46,240 Speaker 1: She wants to be able to use the phone and 238 00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:49,520 Speaker 1: the iPad all the time, and we keep on having 239 00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:53,120 Speaker 1: this same conversation with her, and right now she understands 240 00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:55,920 Speaker 1: that the answer is no, because she still hasn't been 241 00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:59,600 Speaker 1: able to demonstrate a reasonable amount of responsibility in the 242 00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:03,280 Speaker 1: way that she uses screens when she's given that privilege anyway, 243 00:12:03,559 --> 00:12:06,199 Speaker 1: So for now she's too young, and as a parent, 244 00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:09,000 Speaker 1: you're allowed to say no. How you say it matters, though, 245 00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:11,560 Speaker 1: and hopefully this has helped you with the right way 246 00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:14,800 Speaker 1: to say it. So let's wrap this up, Carolyn. The 247 00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:17,720 Speaker 1: challenge that you're facing is definitely not about the phone. 248 00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:19,280 Speaker 1: It's about a lot more than the phone. It's about 249 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:21,360 Speaker 1: teaching your daughter that you're going to hold boundaries because 250 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:23,400 Speaker 1: you love her. But it's also teaching her that you 251 00:12:23,559 --> 00:12:26,320 Speaker 1: listen to her and work with her to meet needs 252 00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:31,400 Speaker 1: that she presents you. And that's the foundation of relationships 253 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:35,120 Speaker 1: that last in positive ways throughout adolescence, which is so 254 00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:37,960 Speaker 1: trying and obviously beyond that. Really hope that it's a 255 00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:40,760 Speaker 1: healthful response. And thanks so much for the question. We 256 00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:42,960 Speaker 1: love getting your questions. If you have a question for us, 257 00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:45,880 Speaker 1: a tricky question, they're the best ones you can get 258 00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:48,160 Speaker 1: in touch with us via a voice note podcasts at 259 00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:51,280 Speaker 1: happy families dot com dot A you or jump online 260 00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:53,120 Speaker 1: the Happy Families dot com dot A You scroll down 261 00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:55,000 Speaker 1: to a bit where it says send us a voice 262 00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:57,959 Speaker 1: note and start talking. It's a super simple system and 263 00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:00,679 Speaker 1: we love hearing it from you. The Happy Family's podcast 264 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:04,360 Speaker 1: is produced by Justin Roulon from Bridge Media. Mimhammond's provide 265 00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:07,400 Speaker 1: additional support and for more and about making your family happier, 266 00:13:07,679 --> 00:13:11,480 Speaker 1: visit us at happy families dot com dot au.