WEBVTT - Coming To Terms With Your Shadow Side - Uncut with Abby Wambach 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:02.200 This episode was recorded on Cameragle Land. 0:00:12.080 --> 0:00:14.360 Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life 0:00:14.360 --> 0:00:14.760 on Cut. 0:00:14.800 --> 0:00:18.120 I'm Brittany and I'm Keisha, and today we are so lucky. 0:00:18.320 --> 0:00:20.480 This guest that is joining us has been on our 0:00:20.520 --> 0:00:23.560 bucket list for I'd sell you a couple of years. 0:00:23.600 --> 0:00:23.880 Now. 0:00:24.120 --> 0:00:25.959 Well, yeah, you guys know that I'm a bit of 0:00:26.079 --> 0:00:29.400 a football girlie. Now I'm a soccer girlie. I'm officially 0:00:29.400 --> 0:00:31.400 a wag as of the last couple of weeks. But 0:00:32.400 --> 0:00:34.920 today today's a bit of a flex for anyone in 0:00:34.920 --> 0:00:36.879 the football world. But I think even if you're not 0:00:36.920 --> 0:00:39.400 in the football soccer world, you'd be hard pressed not 0:00:39.520 --> 0:00:42.720 to know who our guest is. Abby Wambach. She's a 0:00:42.760 --> 0:00:46.599 soccer icon, speaker, podcaster, New York Times bestselling author, and 0:00:46.800 --> 0:00:50.080 activist for equality and inclusion. Abby is one of the 0:00:50.120 --> 0:00:53.800 most dominant sportswomen in the history of women's soccer, and 0:00:53.880 --> 0:00:56.680 she's a two time Olympic gold medalist and beever World 0:00:56.680 --> 0:00:58.920 Cup champion. Do you know it was actually so hard 0:00:58.920 --> 0:01:00.640 to write this intro because there was so many things 0:01:00.640 --> 0:01:02.080 that she's done and so many achievements. 0:01:02.160 --> 0:01:03.840 I was like, Wow, we're to overachieve Abby. 0:01:04.200 --> 0:01:07.000 After winning the Women's World Cup in twenty fifteen, Abby 0:01:07.040 --> 0:01:08.880 retired and has gone on to be one of the 0:01:08.880 --> 0:01:11.840 most prominent voices fighting for equality and inclusion. 0:01:12.160 --> 0:01:14.760 Abbi has recently released her latest book that she co 0:01:14.840 --> 0:01:17.280 authored with her wife, Glennon Doyle and Demanda Doyle. 0:01:17.319 --> 0:01:19.320 It is called We Can Do Hard Things. 0:01:19.720 --> 0:01:22.640 The book is broken into twenty of life's biggest questions, 0:01:22.680 --> 0:01:24.759 like why am I like this? How do I figure 0:01:24.800 --> 0:01:27.240 out what I want? Why can't I be happy? And 0:01:27.280 --> 0:01:30.360 how do I forgive? This book you get bang for 0:01:30.400 --> 0:01:33.120 your buck. It's over five hundred pages, so it'd like 0:01:33.200 --> 0:01:35.600 cost per page, very very low, and. 0:01:35.640 --> 0:01:37.200 On YouTube I'm showing you now. 0:01:37.319 --> 0:01:39.920 It includes editions from some of the world's most interesting 0:01:39.959 --> 0:01:43.360 and influential people like Jane Fonda, Elizabeth Gilbert, who we 0:01:43.400 --> 0:01:46.600 have been lucky enough to chat with, Brene brown, Estaperel 0:01:46.720 --> 0:01:49.280 Reese Witherspoon, just to name a couple. So today we 0:01:49.320 --> 0:01:51.240 wanted to chat with Abby about some of the hard 0:01:51.280 --> 0:01:53.360 things that she has faced in life and what those 0:01:53.440 --> 0:01:55.760 challenges taught her about herself and the world. 0:01:56.240 --> 0:01:57.800 Abby Welcome to the podcast. 0:01:58.120 --> 0:02:01.080 Thank you guys both for having me and I just 0:02:01.120 --> 0:02:04.240 want to say give a big shout out to my 0:02:04.440 --> 0:02:11.000 favorite azzie footballer, Sam Kerr. Yes, come on, Samkurr. I 0:02:11.040 --> 0:02:14.000 love her so much and what you all did with 0:02:14.200 --> 0:02:16.239 the World Cup was just so fun to watch last 0:02:16.280 --> 0:02:16.640 time around. 0:02:16.720 --> 0:02:18.840 It's actually been so incredible. And I mean Sam, here 0:02:19.040 --> 0:02:21.960 is like royalty. I don't know what it was and 0:02:22.080 --> 0:02:23.720 I'm trying to put my finger on it, but it 0:02:23.880 --> 0:02:26.320 just exploded in the football world here, Like the World 0:02:26.400 --> 0:02:29.519 Cup just changed everything for women's sport, not just in Australia, 0:02:29.560 --> 0:02:32.160 but I think around the world. But in Australia, I 0:02:32.160 --> 0:02:35.760 think football was always of interest, Soccer was always of interest, 0:02:35.800 --> 0:02:38.480 but it wasn't like the number one sport. And after 0:02:38.560 --> 0:02:41.440 that World Cup, it's all anyone talks about. It outsells 0:02:41.480 --> 0:02:44.399 the men's sports. It's actually so incredible to watch. 0:02:44.160 --> 0:02:47.520 And there were also such high percentage increases in girls 0:02:47.560 --> 0:02:50.360 that were being signed up to join like local league 0:02:50.440 --> 0:02:52.000 soccer teams and that kind of thing. It was just 0:02:52.040 --> 0:02:54.880 amazing and I think it was the most viewed thing 0:02:54.919 --> 0:02:57.720 in Australian TV history. Yeah, she's really really I will 0:02:57.720 --> 0:03:02.079 fact check that before this guy and the birth name 0:03:02.120 --> 0:03:05.400 for females of Matilda, Yes, went up like I'm making 0:03:05.400 --> 0:03:05.720 this up. 0:03:05.720 --> 0:03:07.600 Fifty I made up. 0:03:09.000 --> 0:03:12.720 We start every episode with an accidentally unfiltered your most 0:03:12.760 --> 0:03:16.720 embarrassing story. I can only assume for some reason you're 0:03:16.720 --> 0:03:17.760 giving the energy of that. 0:03:17.919 --> 0:03:18.920 You've got many. 0:03:19.680 --> 0:03:24.239 I've got a lot. And for the listener who has 0:03:24.360 --> 0:03:29.360 no clue who I am, just stay with me, stay 0:03:29.360 --> 0:03:32.640 with her here. I am hard. It is hard to 0:03:32.720 --> 0:03:36.200 embarrass me because I'm the youngest of seven children. Yeah, 0:03:36.440 --> 0:03:40.880 I've basically been abused and teased and battered my whole 0:03:40.920 --> 0:03:44.640 life around just being the youngest of seven children. And 0:03:45.520 --> 0:03:48.440 so it is very difficult to embarrass me. And by 0:03:48.440 --> 0:03:50.800 the way, like this is going to sound pretty serious 0:03:50.840 --> 0:03:53.440 when I say what I'm going to say, But don't worry, 0:03:53.480 --> 0:03:56.320 there's a lot of healing that has taken place. Here's 0:03:56.360 --> 0:03:59.920 what happened. I won the World Cup in twenty fifteen, 0:04:00.680 --> 0:04:04.240 was deciding on whether I was going to retire or 0:04:04.440 --> 0:04:07.200 continue on to play in the Olympics in twenty sixteen. 0:04:07.360 --> 0:04:10.040 I was living in Portland, Oregon, in the Pacific northwest 0:04:10.080 --> 0:04:14.040 of the United States at the time, and I made 0:04:14.120 --> 0:04:18.280 the very stupid decision to go golfing with some buddies 0:04:18.360 --> 0:04:22.520 of mine and I was drinking a lot of alcohol 0:04:22.680 --> 0:04:26.800 that day, and we went to a barbecue after the 0:04:26.880 --> 0:04:30.039 round of golf, and I thought that I was fine 0:04:30.080 --> 0:04:32.520 to drive home. I got in a car and I 0:04:32.560 --> 0:04:35.800 got a DUI, got pulled over and I get a dui. 0:04:35.880 --> 0:04:38.640 And I'm sure I think that most places other than 0:04:38.680 --> 0:04:41.880 the United States, like that is abhorrent behavior, Like I 0:04:41.920 --> 0:04:44.839 know in the UK, like if you get a dui, 0:04:44.920 --> 0:04:48.159 like you're like people, people are like, what the fuck 0:04:48.240 --> 0:04:51.040 is wrong with you? So I went to jail and 0:04:52.040 --> 0:04:55.560 I woke up and my face was on the ESPN, 0:04:55.720 --> 0:04:59.120 which is like the most famous sports television show here. 0:05:00.080 --> 0:05:05.480 Mugshot was on the ticker the bottom where they like. 0:05:05.560 --> 0:05:09.760 It was just like the most embarrassing thing that has 0:05:09.880 --> 0:05:13.160 ever happened to me, the most shameful, because it really 0:05:13.200 --> 0:05:17.120 pointed out a bigger problem that I was having with alcohol, 0:05:17.160 --> 0:05:19.440 that I was hiding and I was keeping secret from 0:05:19.440 --> 0:05:21.760 the rest of the world. A lot of my people 0:05:21.839 --> 0:05:24.039 knew that I had this problem, and I was kind 0:05:24.040 --> 0:05:26.080 of suffering and struggling with alcohol at the time. But 0:05:26.880 --> 0:05:32.479 you know, worst decision ever, Yeah, best outcome because I 0:05:32.480 --> 0:05:36.279 have not had a drink since that night. You know, 0:05:36.320 --> 0:05:39.200 almost ten years sober, which is the part of the 0:05:39.200 --> 0:05:43.680 story that gets better. Folks, congratulats. Most embarrassing thing that 0:05:43.800 --> 0:05:44.400 ever happened to me. 0:05:44.480 --> 0:05:45.599 I mean, I'm not gonna lot. 0:05:46.600 --> 0:05:49.440 This is the most serious, accidentally unfiltered we've ever had. 0:05:49.960 --> 0:05:54.279 But I understand it because before we started this conversation, guys, 0:05:54.720 --> 0:05:56.000 we you know, said to Abby, do you. 0:05:55.920 --> 0:05:56.800 Have this accidental filter? 0:05:56.880 --> 0:05:58.760 She's like, yeah, does it have to be funny? And 0:05:58.800 --> 0:06:00.240 I said, no, it doesn't have to be. And in 0:06:00.279 --> 0:06:02.920 my head, I thought, what could it be that could 0:06:02.960 --> 0:06:08.280 be that embarrassing because every story almost ends in laughter, 0:06:08.640 --> 0:06:11.839 and that one doesn't like that, that that actually you're like, 0:06:12.000 --> 0:06:13.800 then I went to prison and then the whole nation 0:06:14.080 --> 0:06:17.960 that I M. Yeah, I guess I see that roundabout 0:06:17.960 --> 0:06:20.239 way because it ended well for you. Now, I guess 0:06:20.240 --> 0:06:23.120 you can look back and I mean probably be grateful 0:06:23.120 --> 0:06:24.600 and I have a laugh at that moment. 0:06:25.200 --> 0:06:27.240 Yeah, you know, I think that. You know, I'm sure 0:06:27.279 --> 0:06:29.920 that there's a lot of people in the world that 0:06:30.480 --> 0:06:35.039 struggle with alcohol. I know Ozzie's love to party. Honestly, 0:06:35.360 --> 0:06:38.279 in the Olympic village, Ozzie House was like the one 0:06:38.320 --> 0:06:40.280 that was always going off like. 0:06:40.839 --> 0:06:43.600 Ohsie aussy ossy OI. 0:06:43.040 --> 0:06:47.839 Like it's so wild, they're like the biggest partiers. But 0:06:47.920 --> 0:06:50.960 I do think that, like, embarrassment comes in all forms, 0:06:51.040 --> 0:06:53.279 and if you knew what it was like to be 0:06:53.480 --> 0:06:56.919 me at the end of my retirement. When you're a 0:06:56.960 --> 0:07:00.760 professional athlete, there's this weird relationship you have the public 0:07:01.480 --> 0:07:06.240 where it matters to you more because so much of 0:07:06.279 --> 0:07:09.600 your livelihood is dependent on whether people like you or not, 0:07:09.720 --> 0:07:13.000 which is terrible, but it's just true, especially at the 0:07:13.000 --> 0:07:15.960 time for a woman footballer. I was making most of 0:07:16.000 --> 0:07:18.360 my money and endorsements off the field, and that has 0:07:18.440 --> 0:07:21.120 everything to do with if people like me and if 0:07:21.160 --> 0:07:25.480 people think I'm a good footballer, right, and so that 0:07:25.720 --> 0:07:29.440 is the biggest, for sure embarrassment of my life. I mean, look, 0:07:29.480 --> 0:07:33.040 I perioded on my pants during a couple of soccer games, 0:07:33.080 --> 0:07:36.680 like white shorts. I think now Nike and the national 0:07:36.720 --> 0:07:39.480 team doesn't allow their women to wear white shorts for 0:07:39.520 --> 0:07:42.840 this purpose, So you're welcome. I took one for the team. 0:07:46.400 --> 0:07:49.440 They just bleed on their pants exactly exactly. 0:07:50.000 --> 0:07:51.640 I mean, I don't want to jump ahead too much 0:07:51.680 --> 0:07:54.080 because you know, we had planned on talking to you 0:07:54.120 --> 0:07:57.160 about alcohol and your decision to go sober and that 0:07:57.240 --> 0:07:59.640 kind of thing, but I can't remember the name. There 0:07:59.680 --> 0:08:03.240 is a like psychological term for this, and essentially it's 0:08:03.360 --> 0:08:06.920 around the concept of if things are medium bad, you 0:08:07.000 --> 0:08:09.240 don't tend to make change in your life, but things 0:08:09.240 --> 0:08:12.400 sometimes have to get so bad that you are forced 0:08:12.600 --> 0:08:15.080 to make a big change. Was that moment of getting 0:08:15.120 --> 0:08:18.040 a DUI having your face on every news program and 0:08:18.280 --> 0:08:21.240 you probably internationally for it, Like, if not nationally, it 0:08:21.280 --> 0:08:25.160 was likely in international news. I'm curious about how bad 0:08:25.200 --> 0:08:27.280 it had to get for you to be like, holy shit, 0:08:27.360 --> 0:08:29.760 I need to change everything about this and my relationship 0:08:29.760 --> 0:08:32.280 with alcohol is not a good one, and this is 0:08:32.360 --> 0:08:33.720 like the impetus for change. 0:08:34.240 --> 0:08:35.920 That was the only thing that was going to wake 0:08:35.960 --> 0:08:39.760 me up, right, you know. I tried a couple of 0:08:39.800 --> 0:08:42.880 times before to go, and as an athlete, like, look, 0:08:43.280 --> 0:08:45.640 I trained really hard, and when I was with the team, 0:08:45.840 --> 0:08:48.520 I never drank right, But then when I'd get home, 0:08:48.679 --> 0:08:52.480 I'd party really hard. And so my ability to have 0:08:52.559 --> 0:08:56.600 like a high functioning alcoholism was really difficult to even 0:08:56.920 --> 0:08:58.800 admit that I had a problem because I was winning 0:08:58.880 --> 0:09:01.840 like gold medals and shit, you know, like it's very 0:09:01.880 --> 0:09:04.640 difficult and it makes a lot of sense. I do 0:09:04.760 --> 0:09:08.600 understand why so many of us pro athletes struggle with addiction, 0:09:08.800 --> 0:09:13.880 because we're so accustomed to having our brains and the 0:09:13.880 --> 0:09:17.920 dopamine and the pleasures parts of our brains utilized a lot, 0:09:18.000 --> 0:09:20.000 Like when we're out in the field and you're being 0:09:20.080 --> 0:09:24.760 screamed for by fifty thousand people, and then you go 0:09:24.880 --> 0:09:27.640 back to your hotel room, you're like, well, this sucks, 0:09:28.240 --> 0:09:31.680 and so that's like an easy fix for it. So yeah, 0:09:31.760 --> 0:09:36.160 that moment needed to happen because it had to be 0:09:36.640 --> 0:09:40.360 so horrific and so shameful and so embarrassing. By the 0:09:40.400 --> 0:09:43.160 way I've processed through it, I don't feel that way 0:09:43.240 --> 0:09:46.560 about myself anymore because I was just like hurting, and 0:09:46.600 --> 0:09:49.480 I was suffering so much, and I was having a 0:09:49.520 --> 0:09:51.920 lot of mental health stuff I was coming up into. 0:09:52.040 --> 0:09:54.640 I was going into a retirement that I didn't plan for. 0:09:55.200 --> 0:09:56.720 I didn't know what the hell I was going to do. 0:09:56.840 --> 0:09:59.640 I didn't know what to call myself. I didn't know 0:09:59.640 --> 0:10:02.040 what to f feel identity wise. I was just having 0:10:02.400 --> 0:10:06.000 a total existential crisis. In fact, when I got this DUI, 0:10:06.520 --> 0:10:11.680 I actually ended up changing and completely reorganizing my entire 0:10:11.720 --> 0:10:15.160 life I got. I moved. I moved to Florida. I 0:10:15.200 --> 0:10:17.720 moved totally out of state. I don't talk to a 0:10:17.760 --> 0:10:19.520 lot of the friends that I had at the time 0:10:19.960 --> 0:10:24.000 for various reasons, but mostly it's due to geographical proximity. 0:10:24.559 --> 0:10:26.959 Here's the thing, Like, what does Oprah say? She said, 0:10:27.000 --> 0:10:29.960 life will send you whispers and if you're not listening, 0:10:30.559 --> 0:10:33.160 then life eventually will send you a big brick in 0:10:33.200 --> 0:10:36.800 the face. And that's what you go. That's what I got. 0:10:36.840 --> 0:10:39.520 Did you know that you had a problem with alcohol? 0:10:39.880 --> 0:10:40.280 Like? Was it? 0:10:40.320 --> 0:10:41.880 Were you every time you drunk? Were you, like, I 0:10:41.920 --> 0:10:43.760 know this isn't right. I know I'm drinking to excess. 0:10:43.800 --> 0:10:45.360 I know I need to change it. Or was it 0:10:45.440 --> 0:10:47.199 just a really normal part of your life because you've 0:10:47.240 --> 0:10:48.160 been doing it for so long? 0:10:48.480 --> 0:10:51.719 I had no idea. Yeah, for a long time. It 0:10:51.760 --> 0:10:56.920 wasn't until my first wife started to ask me questions 0:10:56.960 --> 0:11:00.880 about it, Like, and here's the thing, Like, I think 0:11:00.920 --> 0:11:04.000 that that alcoholism and addiction is a symptom to what 0:11:04.440 --> 0:11:07.280 something else that was going on inside of me. And 0:11:07.360 --> 0:11:10.760 I was suffering because I was struggling in this first marriage, 0:11:10.840 --> 0:11:12.240 and I didn't know how to fix it, and I 0:11:12.240 --> 0:11:14.440 didn't know what to do about it. I was struggling 0:11:14.520 --> 0:11:17.320 because I was coming upon this retirement. I did not 0:11:17.600 --> 0:11:20.120 know what to do. And that was the only thing 0:11:20.280 --> 0:11:23.360 that I had ever learned throughout my life that was 0:11:23.400 --> 0:11:27.760 able to soothe me quickly, was to soothe this desperation, 0:11:28.120 --> 0:11:35.280 this horror, this fear, and without guardrails of soccer, because 0:11:35.320 --> 0:11:39.520 soccer really did protect me from going into like a 0:11:39.679 --> 0:11:42.640 real full fledged addiction, because I had to go into 0:11:42.640 --> 0:11:45.120 camp every few weeks, I had to keep playing soccer 0:11:45.559 --> 0:11:48.400 for most of the year, so it in some ways 0:11:48.440 --> 0:11:52.400 saved me and also some ways kind of covered and 0:11:52.480 --> 0:11:55.800 like camouflaged the addiction for all the years. Because if 0:11:55.800 --> 0:11:58.160 I were to be really honest, I've been a problem 0:11:58.240 --> 0:12:01.120 drinker since the very first time I ever drink alcohol. 0:12:02.280 --> 0:12:05.080 I was I was drinking to get drunk as soon 0:12:05.080 --> 0:12:08.000 as it hit my lips. I didn't have like an 0:12:08.080 --> 0:12:11.000 off button like I watched, you know, being the youngest 0:12:11.040 --> 0:12:13.760 of seven kids. My dad is a drinker, and my 0:12:13.840 --> 0:12:17.200 brothers and sisters were all drinkers, and watching them do 0:12:17.320 --> 0:12:20.560 it kind of gave me this like aspiration for it 0:12:20.600 --> 0:12:23.160 in a way, And there's parts of me that still 0:12:23.200 --> 0:12:25.680 like think like, at least in the memory of the 0:12:25.720 --> 0:12:28.080 person I wanted to become, Like, there were parts of 0:12:28.080 --> 0:12:30.440 me growing up that wanted to be like my dad 0:12:30.840 --> 0:12:33.000 where he got to like go to the golf course 0:12:33.000 --> 0:12:35.520 and drink with his buddies during the day in his retirement. 0:12:35.720 --> 0:12:39.000 Like that was like the dream. And now I'm like, 0:12:39.480 --> 0:12:41.439 that is kind of an absurd dream. 0:12:41.640 --> 0:12:43.920 Yeah, well, I mean I think that's a really good 0:12:43.960 --> 0:12:47.280 place for us to go. Now is back to your childhood, Abby, 0:12:47.440 --> 0:12:49.880 But you do say you're one of the youngest of 0:12:49.960 --> 0:12:52.640 seven kids, which I imagine is a bit manic. What 0:12:53.000 --> 0:12:55.000 was it at that time that led you to get 0:12:55.040 --> 0:12:56.960 into football? And I know you speak about it pretty 0:12:56.960 --> 0:12:59.120 beautifully in the book, but for those playing at home, 0:13:00.360 --> 0:13:02.280 was it something that the rest of your siblings did? 0:13:02.640 --> 0:13:04.600 Was it, you know, you just something that your parents 0:13:04.640 --> 0:13:06.520 really put you into? Was it something that you found 0:13:06.520 --> 0:13:07.000 on your own? 0:13:07.320 --> 0:13:07.640 Yeah. 0:13:07.880 --> 0:13:10.679 I came from a family of athletes. The way that 0:13:10.720 --> 0:13:14.000 the brothers and sisters are oriented. There's two older sisters 0:13:14.000 --> 0:13:16.360 that are like ten years older and eleven years older, 0:13:16.800 --> 0:13:20.280 and then there are four boys and then me and 0:13:20.360 --> 0:13:23.680 so because all of them, my sisters included, were very 0:13:23.760 --> 0:13:28.360 into sports, soccer, basketball primarily those are the big sports. 0:13:28.480 --> 0:13:32.240 My brothers also played ice hockey. Interestingly enough, my sister 0:13:32.320 --> 0:13:35.600 Beth actually her friends were playing basketball when she was 0:13:35.640 --> 0:13:38.040 like really young, and she said to my mom, I 0:13:38.559 --> 0:13:40.400 want to learn how to play soccer. And my mom said, 0:13:40.440 --> 0:13:41.599 I don't know how to do that. Let's go to 0:13:41.640 --> 0:13:44.360 the library. So they like checked out a book on 0:13:44.600 --> 0:13:47.600 like how to play soccer for my sister Beth to learn, 0:13:47.720 --> 0:13:51.680 which is I think so important as to like how 0:13:51.720 --> 0:13:56.079 then I became the soccer player. I became like literally 0:13:56.120 --> 0:13:57.200 anything as possible for us. 0:13:57.400 --> 0:14:00.880 Is Beth pissed? Like yeah, she was a little bit. 0:14:01.760 --> 0:14:04.000 Yeah, I mean she's fine. She went to Harvard and 0:14:04.000 --> 0:14:05.920 played basketball and became a doctor. 0:14:06.040 --> 0:14:09.400 Like she's fine, She's like, fuck you, I did the research, 0:14:10.080 --> 0:14:10.800 real achieve is. 0:14:12.640 --> 0:14:12.960 Okay. 0:14:13.920 --> 0:14:15.720 Well, here's the thing. I saw what she did and 0:14:15.760 --> 0:14:17.320 I was like, I'm not going to go that route. 0:14:17.360 --> 0:14:20.360 I'm just gonna play She played basketball, I played soccer, Yeah, 0:14:20.400 --> 0:14:22.600 and I definitely don't. I went to the University of Florida, 0:14:22.680 --> 0:14:26.320 did not go to Harvard. But anyways, to answer your question, yeah, 0:14:26.320 --> 0:14:30.720 I think that being in a big family of athletes, 0:14:31.560 --> 0:14:33.920 it put me in an environment where I was like 0:14:34.000 --> 0:14:38.600 always on a team, and I think that it kind 0:14:38.640 --> 0:14:42.560 of gave me the ability to watch people and to 0:14:42.920 --> 0:14:46.800 learn a lot from watching. Even now and I'm forty 0:14:46.800 --> 0:14:50.640 five and I just started to play beach volleyball. And 0:14:51.440 --> 0:14:54.480 somebody can tell me how to do something one million 0:14:54.600 --> 0:14:57.640 times and I don't understand what they're saying, but if 0:14:57.680 --> 0:15:01.000 they literally visually show me how to do it, I 0:15:01.000 --> 0:15:03.840 can do that. And so I spent my whole like 0:15:04.120 --> 0:15:07.680 literal childhood before I could walk, and then I was 0:15:07.720 --> 0:15:10.160 like jumping off the diving board in eighteen months or 0:15:10.200 --> 0:15:14.120 two years. And then as time goes on, you know, 0:15:14.200 --> 0:15:17.840 I start to develop like actual interest interests in soccer. 0:15:18.080 --> 0:15:21.200 And I'm good because I've been playing against ten year 0:15:21.200 --> 0:15:24.800 olds and I'm five. I've been playing against my bigger 0:15:24.840 --> 0:15:27.880 brothers and sisters, ten, fifteen, twenty year you know, and 0:15:28.160 --> 0:15:32.160 as I'm getting older, they're getting older. So I'm always 0:15:32.200 --> 0:15:35.840 competing against somebody that's far stronger, taller, faster than me, 0:15:36.800 --> 0:15:40.720 which I think was really inevitably something that absolutely shaped 0:15:40.720 --> 0:15:41.920 me as a pro athlete. 0:15:42.000 --> 0:15:44.360 It also just sounds like you're probably a natural athletes 0:15:44.360 --> 0:15:45.840 as well, like some people can when you say you 0:15:45.840 --> 0:15:47.120 can just look at something and pick it up like 0:15:47.160 --> 0:15:49.800 some people just have that. But you write in your book, 0:15:50.120 --> 0:15:53.200 I really liked this, and I'm really interested. I became 0:15:53.240 --> 0:15:56.120 an athlete to get my mother's love. All I really 0:15:56.160 --> 0:15:59.120 wanted was love, full acceptance, and attention from my mom. 0:15:59.200 --> 0:16:01.640 But because I had these deep knowing about my gainess, 0:16:01.680 --> 0:16:04.000 I felt like my mom would never accept this part 0:16:04.040 --> 0:16:07.000 of me. So I developed an athlete persona to make 0:16:07.120 --> 0:16:09.840 up for my gainess and it worked. I was celebrated, 0:16:09.880 --> 0:16:11.960 but that kind of affirmation was something I could never 0:16:12.000 --> 0:16:14.240 really latch onto. I came home from soccer and my 0:16:14.280 --> 0:16:16.680 family would be so amazed at all of my goals, 0:16:16.920 --> 0:16:20.040 but I always felt like, what if I stopped scoring goals, 0:16:20.240 --> 0:16:21.240 will they be able. 0:16:21.040 --> 0:16:22.000 To love what's left? 0:16:23.360 --> 0:16:26.200 That is beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time to 0:16:26.280 --> 0:16:29.040 think that that is how you found yourself in sport, 0:16:29.160 --> 0:16:31.600 But then it sounds like you just felt like you 0:16:31.680 --> 0:16:34.920 needed so much validation and you were only getting that 0:16:35.120 --> 0:16:35.880 from football. 0:16:35.920 --> 0:16:39.520 Talk us through that. Yeah, some people ask me a lot, 0:16:39.840 --> 0:16:44.360 like why I played soccer and how I achieved the 0:16:44.440 --> 0:16:47.640 level of success that I did, And I think like, 0:16:47.800 --> 0:16:51.000 if I got to the bottom of it. It's basically 0:16:51.080 --> 0:16:54.320 like a bigger version of like, Mom, watch this, yeah, 0:16:54.480 --> 0:17:00.160 you know at the Olympics though exactly, like seriously, and 0:17:00.240 --> 0:17:03.320 I know that that, Like that's funny, but it's true. 0:17:03.560 --> 0:17:08.800 Like a lot of what motivated me deeply is just 0:17:08.920 --> 0:17:12.880 childhood stuff and being in a family that a lot 0:17:12.920 --> 0:17:16.119 of us, I would say, all seven of us were 0:17:16.840 --> 0:17:21.440 always wanting more attention than we were getting because God forbid, 0:17:21.480 --> 0:17:24.560 like my mom didn't have enough time to be able 0:17:24.560 --> 0:17:26.919 to give all of us the attention that we needed. 0:17:27.720 --> 0:17:31.040 She tried her best, but it's just impossible. There's seven 0:17:31.240 --> 0:17:35.840 fucking people that are looking to you for something, you know, 0:17:36.320 --> 0:17:39.520 and so yeah, it's like it's hard to say at 0:17:39.520 --> 0:17:42.199 this point. I've done a lot of healing around this 0:17:42.720 --> 0:17:46.400 because I love the family that I grew up in 0:17:46.480 --> 0:17:48.760 and I wouldn't change any of it because it's made 0:17:48.840 --> 0:17:51.679 me who I am. But I like wonder if I 0:17:51.680 --> 0:17:55.120 would have been as good of a soccer player had 0:17:55.160 --> 0:17:59.520 I not had that kind of motivation, Like I wonder 0:17:59.600 --> 0:18:01.760 like if I I had like Glennon has asked me 0:18:01.880 --> 0:18:04.600 a few times, like what if you had the kind 0:18:04.640 --> 0:18:09.000 of attention and love that your person needed that you needed, 0:18:09.480 --> 0:18:12.879 do you think you would have been striving so hard? 0:18:13.119 --> 0:18:15.600 And I'm like, I don't know, Like I kind of 0:18:15.640 --> 0:18:18.879 think that a lot of us pro athletes, we're out 0:18:18.920 --> 0:18:23.640 there to prove something, there's something, and yeah, I think 0:18:23.680 --> 0:18:27.399 greatness and being the best is one faction of it. 0:18:27.880 --> 0:18:30.119 But I also think that there's a deeper part of 0:18:30.160 --> 0:18:35.280 it that is truly heartbreaking. Like what we're actually doing, 0:18:35.359 --> 0:18:38.879 it's like watch me mom, or show up for me Dad, 0:18:39.040 --> 0:18:41.920 or whatever it might be. It's like there is some 0:18:41.960 --> 0:18:46.000 sort of unmet need from our younger years that we 0:18:46.119 --> 0:18:50.440 are trying to create in this avenue of professional sports. 0:18:50.640 --> 0:18:53.080 In fact, I think it's like I think it's probably 0:18:53.119 --> 0:18:56.160 pretty pervasive if you were to get I mean, it's 0:18:56.200 --> 0:18:59.040 hard to get athletes to be as honest as this, 0:19:00.160 --> 0:19:03.720 as open about their families and their childhood, especially ones 0:19:03.760 --> 0:19:06.720 that were famous blah blah blah. But it is a 0:19:06.720 --> 0:19:13.600 little heartbreaking to wonder if had I not had soccer, 0:19:15.680 --> 0:19:18.679 would I Because it's about self love at the end 0:19:18.760 --> 0:19:21.240 of it, right, Like I was always looking for external 0:19:21.320 --> 0:19:25.919 validation and in the end, I've had to really do 0:19:26.000 --> 0:19:29.800 a lot of work for myself around actually loving who 0:19:29.840 --> 0:19:33.040 I am because I get to take myself everywhere I go, 0:19:33.080 --> 0:19:36.000 and then I don't need I do need people, but 0:19:36.080 --> 0:19:38.439 I'm not like at the mercy of them. It is 0:19:38.520 --> 0:19:40.920 not going to kill me if they decide they want 0:19:40.960 --> 0:19:45.320 to leave, because guess what parents leave, right, they end 0:19:45.480 --> 0:19:50.119 up dying and what then? Like I need to be 0:19:50.160 --> 0:19:54.400 able to hold myself and hold my little kid heart too, 0:19:54.560 --> 0:19:57.920 that just wanted to have the attention she won't she deserved. Aby. 0:19:57.920 --> 0:20:01.200 I think it's so incredibly relatable, even though very few 0:20:01.200 --> 0:20:03.000 of us will take it to the extent of being 0:20:03.040 --> 0:20:05.760 professional athletes, but that question of like am I good enough? 0:20:06.160 --> 0:20:08.159 Am I doing enough for you? You know, like are 0:20:08.160 --> 0:20:09.240 you proud of me? Yeah? 0:20:09.280 --> 0:20:11.680 And I think it really impacts a lot of us 0:20:11.680 --> 0:20:14.040 in the sense that it's something that we tend. 0:20:13.840 --> 0:20:14.879 To carry throughout life. 0:20:14.880 --> 0:20:18.040 It can create anxious attachment styles, it can create kind 0:20:18.040 --> 0:20:20.239 of an insatiable need for validation. I know that this 0:20:20.280 --> 0:20:23.919 is something I very much experienced in my romantic relationships before. 0:20:24.840 --> 0:20:26.960 Like you said, you kind of do the work, you 0:20:27.080 --> 0:20:30.239 unpack where that's coming from. And yeah, I think that 0:20:30.240 --> 0:20:32.720 that's one of the most relatable things that a lot 0:20:32.720 --> 0:20:35.159 of us experience when it's just that question of like 0:20:35.680 --> 0:20:39.480 am I good enough? And with professional athletes, something that 0:20:39.520 --> 0:20:42.080 I know you experienced was a lot of change in 0:20:42.119 --> 0:20:45.320