1 00:00:04,200 --> 00:00:05,400 Speaker 1: Good day everybody, and welcome. 2 00:00:05,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 2: This is the all new Positivity Podcast, episode number six. 3 00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:09,840 Speaker 1: Hello. 4 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:12,520 Speaker 2: My name is doctor Justin Coilson, and this is the 5 00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:16,240 Speaker 2: podcast that's dedicated to making your life, your work, and 6 00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:17,640 Speaker 2: your family happier. 7 00:00:18,079 --> 00:00:18,479 Speaker 1: As you know. 8 00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:22,440 Speaker 2: This was the Happy Families podcast until the recent change. 9 00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:24,840 Speaker 2: But this week and next week I'm keeping with the 10 00:00:24,880 --> 00:00:27,480 Speaker 2: families theme because there's a few things that I really 11 00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:29,319 Speaker 2: want to share with you, things that I've talked about 12 00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:32,479 Speaker 2: in previous podcasts that I want to get out and 13 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:35,640 Speaker 2: make sure that I really explain clearly before the change 14 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:36,479 Speaker 2: becomes complete. 15 00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:38,559 Speaker 1: If you've heard in the last couple of. 16 00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:40,600 Speaker 2: Podcasts that I've shared with the exception of last ones 17 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:43,600 Speaker 2: about pocket money, the issue of praise has come up 18 00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:45,599 Speaker 2: again and again and again, and a few people have 19 00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:49,080 Speaker 2: taken me to task over it, particularly on Facebook. As 20 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:52,280 Speaker 2: you've probably noticed, I'm not a proponent or an advocate 21 00:00:52,360 --> 00:00:56,080 Speaker 2: of praise at all. In fact, I'm quite open about 22 00:00:56,120 --> 00:00:58,360 Speaker 2: suggesting that as a general rule, we are best off 23 00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:02,080 Speaker 2: not praising our children at all. I know it's a 24 00:01:02,080 --> 00:01:06,640 Speaker 2: controversial position to take, particularly when so many parenting experts 25 00:01:06,680 --> 00:01:08,560 Speaker 2: are out there saying that we should. How do they 26 00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:11,360 Speaker 2: say it catch your children doing something right and praise 27 00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:14,440 Speaker 2: them for it. Well, why would I be so anty praise? 28 00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:17,279 Speaker 2: I mean, it makes me sound like I'm a cranky 29 00:01:17,280 --> 00:01:20,120 Speaker 2: old man who doesn't love his kids. And if you 30 00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:21,760 Speaker 2: know anything about me, you'd know that nothing could be 31 00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:24,760 Speaker 2: further from the truth. It's actually because I love my 32 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:26,840 Speaker 2: kids that I don't praise them. 33 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:29,720 Speaker 1: Is that confusing enough for you? Why would I be 34 00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:30,639 Speaker 1: so anty praise? 35 00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:32,280 Speaker 2: Well, I'm going to clear it up for you in 36 00:01:32,319 --> 00:01:34,160 Speaker 2: just a minute, and I'll also give you a little 37 00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:37,720 Speaker 2: bit more detail, based on some research to help you 38 00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:40,040 Speaker 2: to know exactly what I mean and why. 39 00:01:40,319 --> 00:01:43,480 Speaker 1: I'll actually give you five scientific. 40 00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:45,840 Speaker 2: Reasons that we need to ease up on praise, and 41 00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:47,600 Speaker 2: I'll give you a handful of ideas for what to 42 00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:49,800 Speaker 2: do instead, because I'm not going to suggest that we 43 00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:52,640 Speaker 2: give our kids no feedback at all, and I'm particularly 44 00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:54,840 Speaker 2: not going to say that we're supposed to be criticizing them, 45 00:01:54,920 --> 00:01:56,400 Speaker 2: which is what a lot of people think that I'm 46 00:01:56,480 --> 00:01:56,960 Speaker 2: on about. 47 00:01:57,240 --> 00:01:57,880 Speaker 1: Not true. 48 00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:00,520 Speaker 2: Also, in today's ask doctor justin, I'm going to be 49 00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:02,880 Speaker 2: helping out a mum who is struggling with a toddler. 50 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:07,600 Speaker 2: Aren't we all who keeps on hitting and lashing out 51 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:11,320 Speaker 2: and my parenting hack this week is a surefire winner. 52 00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:13,320 Speaker 2: If you've got bored little ones anyone under about the 53 00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:15,920 Speaker 2: age of seven, this will keep them occupied for hours. 54 00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:19,079 Speaker 3: Are you pulling your hair out because your child won't listen, 55 00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:22,120 Speaker 3: won't do what your request? Do you find yourself shouting 56 00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:24,360 Speaker 3: at the children because you just don't know what else 57 00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:26,919 Speaker 3: to do. Do you have a child who's aggressive or 58 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:30,520 Speaker 3: hurting you or his or her siblings, Or are you 59 00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:33,400 Speaker 3: dealing with a child that is back chatting or disrespectful. 60 00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:37,239 Speaker 3: Are you finding parenting more challenging than you ever thought possible? 61 00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:41,720 Speaker 3: Doctor Justin Coulson provides one on one parenting coaching via 62 00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:45,280 Speaker 3: Skype or phone and can help you with parenting coaching. 63 00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:50,320 Speaker 3: You'll receive personalized individual guidance design specifically for your family's 64 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:54,600 Speaker 3: unique circumstances. Find solutions to the parenting problems that are 65 00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:58,400 Speaker 3: driving you crazy, effective discipline strategies where you can stop 66 00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:01,960 Speaker 3: being the drill sergeant, a better relationship with your children, 67 00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:05,400 Speaker 3: and a happier home where everyone looks forward to being together. 68 00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:08,760 Speaker 3: For more details, and a coaching package that will suit you, 69 00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:12,320 Speaker 3: visit Justinculson dot com. Forward slash coaching. 70 00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:14,840 Speaker 2: Okay, I want to try an experiment on you. Imagine 71 00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:16,480 Speaker 2: that we're friends, we're having a chat, and I looked 72 00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:19,799 Speaker 2: at you and said, you're such a good person, or 73 00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:23,360 Speaker 2: perhaps I smiled and said you're awesome, you're the best, 74 00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:27,600 Speaker 2: or maybe even I just told you you're a good parent. 75 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:32,680 Speaker 2: Did you notice my tone. Maybe maybe we're driving somewhere 76 00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:35,640 Speaker 2: and I glance at you and say, oh, good driving, 77 00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:38,360 Speaker 2: or you say something to me like that and I. 78 00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:40,880 Speaker 1: Say, oh, you're clever, nice thinking. 79 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:45,360 Speaker 2: There's every chance that if we spoke to each other 80 00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:47,200 Speaker 2: like that, we'd think we were sort of having a 81 00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:48,320 Speaker 2: lend of one another. 82 00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:50,680 Speaker 1: Or you'd feel if I said that to you that 83 00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:51,920 Speaker 1: I was being really patronizing. 84 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:54,240 Speaker 2: I'm kind of putting you in your place, or maybe 85 00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:57,800 Speaker 2: you might think I'm trying to manipulate you. It's almost like, 86 00:03:58,280 --> 00:03:59,920 Speaker 2: especially in the case of the driving one, you might 87 00:03:59,920 --> 00:04:03,200 Speaker 2: be thinking, Justin didn't think that I can drive properly, 88 00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:04,640 Speaker 2: that's why he's saying good driving. 89 00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:07,960 Speaker 1: Well, these are just some of the perils of praise. 90 00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:09,840 Speaker 1: We think as. 91 00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:11,840 Speaker 2: Grown ups that when we say nice things to our kids, 92 00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:14,280 Speaker 2: when we praise them, that we're building them up, that 93 00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:17,400 Speaker 2: we're making them feel better about themselves. But the reality 94 00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:22,560 Speaker 2: is Research debunking the myth of praise as being useful 95 00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:26,480 Speaker 2: has been published since the nineteen seventies. Praise is one 96 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:28,720 Speaker 2: of those sacred parenting cows, though. It's one of those 97 00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:30,880 Speaker 2: things where if you tell them that she should stop 98 00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:35,360 Speaker 2: saying good boy, and good running and great sharing, good cleaning, 99 00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:37,960 Speaker 2: watch what happens. 100 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:38,240 Speaker 1: If you try that. 101 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:40,040 Speaker 2: It's like you've just said that she should never eat 102 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:44,479 Speaker 2: chocolate again, which is a terribly dangerous move. Well, I 103 00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:45,680 Speaker 2: don't know if I should have said that. I hope 104 00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:47,320 Speaker 2: I don't get in trouble for saying that one. For 105 00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:50,719 Speaker 2: the past forty of fifty years at least, the mantra 106 00:04:50,839 --> 00:04:54,680 Speaker 2: from many, many experts has been that we should catch 107 00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:58,120 Speaker 2: our kids doing something right and praise them for it. Well, 108 00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:00,080 Speaker 2: let me give you a quick reality check. Can and 109 00:05:00,279 --> 00:05:02,560 Speaker 2: we can do a lot worse to our kids than 110 00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:05,960 Speaker 2: praise them. Praise is not as bad as a lot 111 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:09,520 Speaker 2: of other things which are terribly harmful. However, there are 112 00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:12,680 Speaker 2: some really concerning outcomes that our children might experience when 113 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:14,719 Speaker 2: we do praise. And that's what I want to talk 114 00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:17,159 Speaker 2: to you about today. And that's why I don't praise 115 00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:20,360 Speaker 2: my kids. So, first off, here are the five big 116 00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:22,760 Speaker 2: problems with praise that I've identified as I've done my 117 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,520 Speaker 2: own empirical research, and I might add I've actually done 118 00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:28,240 Speaker 2: my own study on this with about one hundred people 119 00:05:28,279 --> 00:05:31,880 Speaker 2: at the University of Queensland some years ago. First off, 120 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:37,000 Speaker 2: praise undermines empathy. Let's get clear on what empathy is. First, 121 00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:39,159 Speaker 2: empathy is when we feel what other people are feeling, 122 00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:41,880 Speaker 2: when we feel in our heart what's going on in 123 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:44,800 Speaker 2: other people's life and experience. It's about being able to 124 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:47,599 Speaker 2: see that someone's feeling distressed and having your heart go 125 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:50,560 Speaker 2: out to them so that you actually you more or 126 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:54,360 Speaker 2: less feel distressed for them and with them, although hopefully 127 00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:56,520 Speaker 2: you're feeling it in a helpful and a problem solving way. 128 00:05:57,080 --> 00:05:59,120 Speaker 2: So how does praise make our. 129 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:03,479 Speaker 1: Kids less en pathic? Well, researchers have found that children 130 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:06,440 Speaker 1: who are praised excessively and I will add this is 131 00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:11,320 Speaker 1: excessive praise may often be more likely to be bullies. 132 00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:12,640 Speaker 1: It seems like. 133 00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:15,640 Speaker 2: The praise might do two things. First Off, it overinflates 134 00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:17,599 Speaker 2: their sense of self. They simply feel like they're better 135 00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:19,640 Speaker 2: than all the other kids because mum keeps telling me 136 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:21,920 Speaker 2: how good I am, and therefore they feel like they 137 00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:24,360 Speaker 2: can push other kids around. My mum says I'm the 138 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:26,640 Speaker 2: best speller or the best footy player and you're not, 139 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:27,479 Speaker 2: and I'm better than you. 140 00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:28,840 Speaker 1: It's that kind of thing. 141 00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:30,840 Speaker 2: And I know it might sound far fetched to us 142 00:06:30,839 --> 00:06:33,480 Speaker 2: as grown ups, but kids can really genuinely take things 143 00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:36,360 Speaker 2: quite literally, and the data tells us that there is 144 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:40,520 Speaker 2: a strong link. In fact, it's been shown experimentally. Here's 145 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:43,240 Speaker 2: the second reason that it can undermine empathy. Some kids 146 00:06:43,279 --> 00:06:46,600 Speaker 2: actually get caught up in defending the fact that they're special, 147 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:50,640 Speaker 2: or that they're smart, or that they're super and in 148 00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:53,520 Speaker 2: so doing, they might actually bully other kids just to 149 00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:54,640 Speaker 2: prove how great they are. 150 00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:57,000 Speaker 1: They forget that other people are people as well. 151 00:06:57,760 --> 00:07:01,200 Speaker 2: Second problem with praise is this praise can actually undermine 152 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:06,560 Speaker 2: intrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation is when we are genuinely motivated 153 00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:08,200 Speaker 2: to do things just for the sake of doing them, 154 00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:09,520 Speaker 2: because we just like doing them. 155 00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:11,680 Speaker 1: So let me quickly go back to that first point. 156 00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:14,040 Speaker 2: Well, I personally don't think that there's a whole lot 157 00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:16,840 Speaker 2: of bullying or empathy being lost because of praise. 158 00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:18,000 Speaker 1: It does happen. 159 00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:21,160 Speaker 2: But I think that this second problem is really quite 160 00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:24,440 Speaker 2: a serious one, because the data convincingly tell us that 161 00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:27,280 Speaker 2: by praising our kids, they actually lose interest in what 162 00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:28,720 Speaker 2: we're asking them to do. 163 00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:29,520 Speaker 1: They think, gee, if. 164 00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:32,440 Speaker 2: They have to verbally reward me for doing this, it 165 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:37,600 Speaker 2: mustn't be worth doing. We can actually create praise junkies, 166 00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:40,720 Speaker 2: and they think that if we have to keep on saying, oh, 167 00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:43,440 Speaker 2: you're such a good boy for doing that, well, gee, 168 00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:45,680 Speaker 2: it mustn't be a very good thing for me to 169 00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:47,720 Speaker 2: have to do on my own. It's just as well 170 00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:50,040 Speaker 2: they're praising me for it, otherwise I would never do it. 171 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:53,600 Speaker 2: We can, actually, like I said, create these praise junkies 172 00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:58,280 Speaker 2: because they actually start doing things just to be told 173 00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:01,400 Speaker 2: that they're good kids, rather than for the sake of 174 00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:03,640 Speaker 2: doing the thing. And there's dozens of studies that support 175 00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:06,440 Speaker 2: this idea that intrinsic motivation to do something can be 176 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:10,440 Speaker 2: undone by praise. I will endeavor to put a list 177 00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:12,480 Speaker 2: of some of these studies in the show notes on 178 00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:13,760 Speaker 2: the web page for some people. 179 00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:14,920 Speaker 1: Who are interested, because I know that this is one 180 00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:17,760 Speaker 1: of those very contentious things. The really interesting thing about 181 00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:18,120 Speaker 1: some of. 182 00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:21,400 Speaker 2: These studies though, is the praise can actually get the 183 00:08:21,480 --> 00:08:24,720 Speaker 2: kids really excited in the moment, But after the praise stops, 184 00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:29,960 Speaker 2: this is where it gets quite quite quite quirky, quite clever. 185 00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:32,080 Speaker 2: Kids are happy to keep doing whatever it is that 186 00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:34,080 Speaker 2: they're being praised for in the moment. But once we 187 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:37,000 Speaker 2: stop praising, that's the point that they lose the interest, 188 00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:38,000 Speaker 2: and they lose it fast. 189 00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:38,880 Speaker 1: It's almost as though. 190 00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:41,400 Speaker 2: The praise was controlling their interest and once the praise 191 00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:44,000 Speaker 2: was gone, well, not interested anymore. 192 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:46,640 Speaker 1: I can go and focus on something else. Okay. 193 00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:49,160 Speaker 2: The third reason praise diminishes performance. There's a bunch of 194 00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:51,160 Speaker 2: studies that have demonstrated that when we praise people, tell 195 00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:53,120 Speaker 2: them how smart they are, how good they are, how 196 00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:57,600 Speaker 2: clever they are, it leads to poorer performance. It seems 197 00:08:57,640 --> 00:09:01,479 Speaker 2: that when our children sense that they're going to be evaluated, 198 00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:06,120 Speaker 2: they actually do worse on tasks, and evaluation is what 199 00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:09,280 Speaker 2: praise actually is. You're so smart, you're such a great sister, 200 00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:13,360 Speaker 2: you're such a great sharer. They're really evaluative statements, and 201 00:09:13,559 --> 00:09:17,560 Speaker 2: some researchers have suggested that praise actually increases pressure to 202 00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:20,160 Speaker 2: live up to previous expectations, and so kids. 203 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:22,720 Speaker 1: Actually underperform because they're feeling so pressured. What will I 204 00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:24,440 Speaker 1: be able to do? Will mums still love me if 205 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:27,000 Speaker 1: I can't do it as well this time as last time? Well, 206 00:09:27,080 --> 00:09:30,319 Speaker 1: Dad still think that I'm a good girl. There's one 207 00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:31,360 Speaker 1: really cool example of this. 208 00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:35,520 Speaker 2: Social psychologist Roy Bourmaster conducted a study. It was only 209 00:09:35,559 --> 00:09:38,800 Speaker 2: a small study, there were only forty two students that 210 00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:41,240 Speaker 2: were involved in this, but the participants were praised for 211 00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:43,960 Speaker 2: doing well in a video game, which is a skilled task. 212 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,439 Speaker 2: They've got to learn how to do it. They spent 213 00:09:45,559 --> 00:09:49,640 Speaker 2: thirty minutes practicing how to play the game then, and 214 00:09:49,679 --> 00:09:52,760 Speaker 2: while they were practicing, their scores were recorded during that 215 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:56,200 Speaker 2: practice phase, and they were told that they were going 216 00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:59,920 Speaker 2: to participate in fifteen performance trials and they were give 217 00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:03,960 Speaker 2: goal to work towards. Now, the goal was a round 218 00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:07,600 Speaker 2: about their third highest score achieved in practice, so certainly 219 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:09,920 Speaker 2: not impossible to achieve, and they've been practicing for thirty minutes, 220 00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:10,160 Speaker 2: so they. 221 00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:12,320 Speaker 1: Should be able to get there. And when the goal 222 00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:13,880 Speaker 1: was achieved, the. 223 00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:16,959 Speaker 2: Experimental would just say something like, ah, good job or 224 00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:21,000 Speaker 2: very good. In other words, they'd praise them, and the 225 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:25,760 Speaker 2: praise led to the person trying harder which you would 226 00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:29,480 Speaker 2: probably think would be a good outcome, But as they 227 00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:36,240 Speaker 2: tried harder, they actually recorded significantly reduced subsequent performance on 228 00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:41,320 Speaker 2: each trial, and so Bollmaster and his research colleagues argued 229 00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:45,480 Speaker 2: that participants were becoming more self conscious because of the praise, 230 00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:48,760 Speaker 2: and that undermined their ability to do well at the 231 00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:51,080 Speaker 2: task even though they were trying harder. 232 00:10:51,559 --> 00:10:52,040 Speaker 1: And there were some. 233 00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,040 Speaker 2: People who said that the praise was followed by poorer 234 00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:57,880 Speaker 2: performance because that's because the scoring was. 235 00:10:57,880 --> 00:10:58,920 Speaker 1: Scoring that high was. 236 00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:04,480 Speaker 2: Unusual and really hard, but the research doesn't really point 237 00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:07,520 Speaker 2: to that as being a justifiable excuse for what happened. 238 00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:12,120 Speaker 2: It seems that the praise led to poorer performance. Praise 239 00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:14,520 Speaker 2: has also been shown to reduce creativity, and experiments have 240 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,720 Speaker 2: been shown to reduce problem solving ability and interest in 241 00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:23,520 Speaker 2: taking on difficult tasks. Praise simply doesn't do good things 242 00:11:23,559 --> 00:11:25,839 Speaker 2: for our children, whether it's on the sports field or 243 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:27,760 Speaker 2: playing music or wherever it might be. 244 00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:28,760 Speaker 1: Don't praise them. 245 00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:32,320 Speaker 2: They'll actually feel extra pressure and they'll usually underperform because 246 00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:35,320 Speaker 2: they're feeling evaluated. Okay, the fourth thing praise can undermine 247 00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:38,640 Speaker 2: self belief. Meyer was a researcher. He and his colleagues 248 00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:40,280 Speaker 2: found that students who were praised for their work in 249 00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:44,480 Speaker 2: the classroom believed that the teacher must think that they 250 00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:47,280 Speaker 2: didn't have very much ability, and therefore the praise was 251 00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:50,000 Speaker 2: to kind of boost their belief in themselves. And this 252 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:53,080 Speaker 2: finding has been replicated several times as well. And the 253 00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:57,480 Speaker 2: fifth reason what praise can undermine relationships If children don't 254 00:11:57,520 --> 00:11:59,560 Speaker 2: believe what we're saying, if they think that the praise 255 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:02,400 Speaker 2: is in in sear if they think that we're manipulating 256 00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:06,320 Speaker 2: them or we're evaluating them, then the praise goes negative 257 00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:09,240 Speaker 2: on the kids, and it goes negative in terms of 258 00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:12,040 Speaker 2: our relationship with our kids. And I let me give 259 00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:15,079 Speaker 2: you a quick bonus six threes and as well, praise 260 00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:18,960 Speaker 2: is often seen in many cases says I value you 261 00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:22,000 Speaker 2: as a person when you please me. In other words, 262 00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:25,440 Speaker 2: it's contingent. It makes the relationship feel contingent, it makes 263 00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:27,920 Speaker 2: self worth feel contingent. And when kids don't get the 264 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:30,120 Speaker 2: praise they're used to, they actually feel like they're unworthy. 265 00:12:30,120 --> 00:12:32,199 Speaker 2: They feel like they're not good enough. And that's not 266 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:34,520 Speaker 2: the message that we're trying to send, which is really 267 00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:37,440 Speaker 2: interesting because we think that we're boosting them when we 268 00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:40,720 Speaker 2: praise them. So, just to recap, praise undermind's empathy. It 269 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:44,880 Speaker 2: underminess intrinsic motivation, It underminds performance, It underminds self belief, 270 00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:47,200 Speaker 2: it undermines relationships. 271 00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:48,120 Speaker 1: Ouch. 272 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:50,959 Speaker 2: So it's time to take that poster off the wall 273 00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:53,040 Speaker 2: that says one hundred and one ways to praise your kids. 274 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,600 Speaker 2: So you're probably thinking, well, what do I do? Can't 275 00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:58,840 Speaker 2: I say anything good to my kids? Yes you can, 276 00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:04,000 Speaker 2: and yes please do. What you can do is this. 277 00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:07,320 Speaker 2: First off, express gratitude. When you see that your child's 278 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:10,320 Speaker 2: done something you value. Say thank you, Hey, thanks for 279 00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:12,800 Speaker 2: cleaning up your room. I really appreciate it. I'm really 280 00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:14,520 Speaker 2: great for you. Eight all your dinner tonight. It's going 281 00:13:14,559 --> 00:13:16,840 Speaker 2: to help you grow even bigger and stronger. When you 282 00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:18,760 Speaker 2: share your toys with your friends, it makes me feel 283 00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:22,400 Speaker 2: grateful and it makes your friends feel grateful too. Don't 284 00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:25,840 Speaker 2: express gratitude in a manipulative way or in a controlling way. 285 00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:28,040 Speaker 2: Just say thanks when you mean it, and say it 286 00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:31,360 Speaker 2: like you mean it. Second thing you can do describe 287 00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:34,080 Speaker 2: what you've seen them doing, rather than evaluating what they did. 288 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:36,800 Speaker 2: I know that sounds a bit confusing, but let me 289 00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:39,400 Speaker 2: give you some examples of that. Let me break it 290 00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:41,400 Speaker 2: down for you. I know that you think that your 291 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:43,840 Speaker 2: kids have done something great, but break it down so 292 00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:46,520 Speaker 2: that you're talking about what you've noticed rather than what 293 00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:49,280 Speaker 2: you're evaluating. You might say, Gee, the kitchen looks so 294 00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:51,600 Speaker 2: much cleaner than before. I can tell you worked really 295 00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:54,240 Speaker 2: hard on that. Or you might say when you're out 296 00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:56,400 Speaker 2: on the sports field or on the netball court or 297 00:13:56,440 --> 00:13:59,400 Speaker 2: whatever it is, I noticed how hard you were concentrating 298 00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:01,480 Speaker 2: on doing that stuff that we practiced during the week. 299 00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:04,839 Speaker 2: All things like wow, when you played that song on 300 00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:07,080 Speaker 2: the piano, your fingers seemed right and you had all 301 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,679 Speaker 2: the allows and softs in the right places. Or you 302 00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:12,480 Speaker 2: might say something like when your sister shouted at you, 303 00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:14,480 Speaker 2: I heard you speak softly and kindly back. 304 00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:16,280 Speaker 1: How do you think that made things better? 305 00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:18,800 Speaker 2: It might feel a bit awkward at the start, and 306 00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:20,360 Speaker 2: I know that some people might say, well, that sounds 307 00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:22,560 Speaker 2: like praise anyway. I suppose if you want to be 308 00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:25,720 Speaker 2: really pedantic, you might say that you're praising the process 309 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:28,920 Speaker 2: or the effort rather than praising the outcome. 310 00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:31,240 Speaker 1: The third thing that I. 311 00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:34,000 Speaker 2: Really like is if we ask our kids to do 312 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:37,440 Speaker 2: their own evaluating we might say after we've seen what 313 00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:40,520 Speaker 2: they've done, or after we've said thank you, we can 314 00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:42,800 Speaker 2: say things like, how did you feel about that? Or 315 00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:45,480 Speaker 2: what did you notice about how you felt when you 316 00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:48,080 Speaker 2: did that? Or what did your friends say? How did 317 00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:50,880 Speaker 2: they react when you made that decision. It's all about 318 00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:53,680 Speaker 2: getting them to make up their own mind. Another thing 319 00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:55,480 Speaker 2: that you can do, and I really think this is great, 320 00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:58,200 Speaker 2: is to just be encouraging, because we're not about not 321 00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:00,920 Speaker 2: making them feel good. It's just about not praising them. 322 00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:03,960 Speaker 2: So teach your kids that effort brings reward when they 323 00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:07,680 Speaker 2: do something difficult. Instead of praising them for it, talk 324 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:10,600 Speaker 2: with them about that process that they're going through, about 325 00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:13,040 Speaker 2: doing one bit at a time, about useful strategies that 326 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:15,080 Speaker 2: they can employ, and then at the end of the process, 327 00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:17,720 Speaker 2: be supportive again by talking about the effort that you 328 00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:20,600 Speaker 2: saw them using and the outcome that they've achieved. You 329 00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:22,080 Speaker 2: might say things like I know. 330 00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:25,680 Speaker 1: It's hard, but keep it up, or you might say, in. 331 00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:27,720 Speaker 2: Our family, we do hard things and right now you're 332 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:28,880 Speaker 2: doing something hard as well. 333 00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:31,840 Speaker 1: You can even just ask how can I help. I'm 334 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:33,280 Speaker 1: watching you work at this, and I can see that 335 00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:34,560 Speaker 1: you're making progress. You want to help. 336 00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:36,000 Speaker 2: What do you want to keep going on your own? 337 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,120 Speaker 2: If you keep it up, you'll be able to do this. 338 00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:41,080 Speaker 2: It's that kind of conversation, Wow, you worked really hard 339 00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:42,640 Speaker 2: at this. I saw what you did. You did in 340 00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:44,920 Speaker 2: little bits, and now it's finished. You've done something really 341 00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:47,840 Speaker 2: hard and now it's done. How does it feel to 342 00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:50,640 Speaker 2: know that you can do that? So that's very encouraging, 343 00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:54,160 Speaker 2: But it's not praising. So let's wrap this up. It's 344 00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:56,320 Speaker 2: praise bad I for your children. Well, the short answer 345 00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:59,960 Speaker 2: is surprisingly yes. Obviously a little bit's not going to hurt. 346 00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:02,320 Speaker 2: But it's better to simply not get into the habit 347 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:04,920 Speaker 2: when we deliver it in an insincere way or a 348 00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:07,840 Speaker 2: controlling way. When we're delivering it because we think that 349 00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:11,920 Speaker 2: we need to manipulate our children's behavior, it's ineffective at best, 350 00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:15,440 Speaker 2: it's damaging at worst. I think that at the end 351 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:17,800 Speaker 2: of the day, praise is just cheap. It's often this 352 00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:21,480 Speaker 2: broad character assessment you're such a good boy, that we 353 00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:24,760 Speaker 2: give away easily. It can be confusing, and it's easily 354 00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:26,840 Speaker 2: taken back ten seconds later if the kid's doing something 355 00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:30,680 Speaker 2: that we don't approve of leads to lower motivation, especially 356 00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:32,720 Speaker 2: later on if it isn't kept up, and it can 357 00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:34,560 Speaker 2: lead our children to question themselves. 358 00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:36,200 Speaker 1: If they're not getting it when they expect it. 359 00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:41,160 Speaker 2: Good girl, good running, good sharing, great helping, great tidying, 360 00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:46,040 Speaker 2: good boy, you know what I think? Good praising Yes, 361 00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:48,880 Speaker 2: Share enthusiasm Yes. Be encouraging if one of your kids 362 00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:53,120 Speaker 2: does something great. Don't stress if you accidentally shout out awesome, woo, 363 00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:57,640 Speaker 2: you're the best because sincere and unexpected feedback doesn't seem 364 00:16:57,680 --> 00:17:00,720 Speaker 2: to be as destructive as the other forms of praise 365 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:01,400 Speaker 2: we've been talking about. 366 00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:02,720 Speaker 1: But ultimately, if we want to build. 367 00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:06,080 Speaker 2: Up our kids, don't praise them, be more effective at 368 00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:08,720 Speaker 2: it by encouraging them. Now, I'd love to hear from 369 00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:11,320 Speaker 2: you on this topic. Go to justinculson dot com slash 370 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:15,399 Speaker 2: podcast slash six like the number six and tell me 371 00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:19,720 Speaker 2: how has this podcast impacted your thinking. Leave your answer 372 00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:22,440 Speaker 2: or any questions that you've got about praise at justinculson 373 00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:26,479 Speaker 2: dot com slash podcast slash six and I'll be back 374 00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:28,160 Speaker 2: in a second with some advice for a mum who's 375 00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:30,200 Speaker 2: toddler is lashing out. 376 00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:33,840 Speaker 4: Your conference is about to start. It's five minutes to go. People, 377 00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:36,439 Speaker 4: are inside taking their chance. I wonder what's going to 378 00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:39,639 Speaker 4: happen next. Perhaps you're worried about the guest speakers. What 379 00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:43,199 Speaker 4: will they say? Will it be appropriate, relevance and up 380 00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:46,240 Speaker 4: to date? Will it be evidence based? Will they stick 381 00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:49,159 Speaker 4: to time? Is a games be boring? You want to 382 00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:51,680 Speaker 4: be sure the information at your conference will tick all 383 00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:54,800 Speaker 4: your boxes and give everyone the stuff they want to learn. 384 00:17:55,119 --> 00:17:56,560 Speaker 4: You want people to come to you at the end 385 00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:59,280 Speaker 4: of the day and say, Wow, thanks for organizing today. 386 00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:03,000 Speaker 4: Let's so much away from your conference. Doctor Justin Kilson 387 00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,919 Speaker 4: can help. He provides keynote speeches from thirty minutes to 388 00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:08,720 Speaker 4: an hour and a half, workshops from ninety minutes to 389 00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:11,879 Speaker 4: half days, and even day long seminars. He speaks to 390 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:15,960 Speaker 4: school kids, professional educators, principles and teachers who are working 391 00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:18,400 Speaker 4: day to day in the classroom, right through to other 392 00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:22,159 Speaker 4: professionals like lawyers and bankers who are parents. Because we 393 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:27,199 Speaker 4: all want happier families, happier classrooms, and happier workplaces. So 394 00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:30,840 Speaker 4: what's your next conference about? If you'd like to learn 395 00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:33,840 Speaker 4: more about getting a speaker who will help your audience learn, laugh, 396 00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:36,480 Speaker 4: and leave with practical tools that will empower them. To 397 00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:40,600 Speaker 4: be happier, more productive, and better parents, teachers, people, and 398 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,040 Speaker 4: if you'd like the credit for having chosen that speaker, 399 00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:47,359 Speaker 4: visit Justinkilson dot com for more information about booking doctor 400 00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:51,440 Speaker 4: Justin Kilson as a speaker at your next conference Justinkilson 401 00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:52,520 Speaker 4: dot com. 402 00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:54,720 Speaker 2: This week, I'm responding to a question from a mum 403 00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:57,920 Speaker 2: whose little one keeps on hitting. She says, Dear doctor Justin, 404 00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:00,160 Speaker 2: my three and a half year old does not play 405 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,120 Speaker 2: nice with other children. 406 00:19:02,359 --> 00:19:02,600 Speaker 1: Ah. 407 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:05,760 Speaker 2: He often becomes frustrated and then lashes out with things 408 00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:08,560 Speaker 2: like hitting. We've been working with his daycare teachers, focusing 409 00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:12,720 Speaker 2: on feelings both his and the other children. At home, 410 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:15,879 Speaker 2: we do the one two three magic system. I just 411 00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:18,119 Speaker 2: worry as this has been going on for over a year, 412 00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:19,920 Speaker 2: and to be honest, I'm at a loss. 413 00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:20,640 Speaker 1: As to what to do with him. 414 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:23,240 Speaker 2: He has these epic tantrums as well, where I'll throw 415 00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:25,919 Speaker 2: things when he's in time out. Of course, we make 416 00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:28,800 Speaker 2: him clean this up. I just would like to know 417 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:31,119 Speaker 2: if this sounds like age appropriate behavior or should I 418 00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:34,000 Speaker 2: be looking for more intervention. I don't want this to 419 00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:37,200 Speaker 2: continue once he gets to primary school. Thank you from 420 00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:41,840 Speaker 2: a mum in Man I Well, here's my response. There's 421 00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:44,359 Speaker 2: a bunch of children, a bunch of challenges, sorry, that 422 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:47,960 Speaker 2: children face as they work through these difficult toddler. 423 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:48,639 Speaker 1: And preschool years. 424 00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:51,359 Speaker 2: So I'm going to talk about three things, and just 425 00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:53,119 Speaker 2: three things that we can do to help this little 426 00:19:53,119 --> 00:19:56,080 Speaker 2: guy navigate this phase of life successfully. First off, we'll 427 00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:59,240 Speaker 2: talk about developmental changes that are crucial for us as 428 00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:00,840 Speaker 2: parents to understand and if we want to help our 429 00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:04,680 Speaker 2: kids as toddlers and preschoolers. Second, I'm going to describe 430 00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:09,760 Speaker 2: why behavior management programs like one, two, three Magic don't 431 00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:13,320 Speaker 2: actually get the results that we're looking for. And finally, 432 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:16,760 Speaker 2: i'll have a look at some really concrete suggestions to 433 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:17,800 Speaker 2: help get through this phase. 434 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:20,879 Speaker 1: So let's get into development. First of all, if you've. 435 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:23,440 Speaker 2: Got children who are let's say two years old, you 436 00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:26,720 Speaker 2: get a terrible shock because the terrible twos hit. Little 437 00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:29,840 Speaker 2: baby starts having an opinion. And when we say no 438 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:32,840 Speaker 2: to our young children or when their friends do things 439 00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:35,080 Speaker 2: that they don't like, they just have tantrums. 440 00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:36,000 Speaker 1: And that's normal. 441 00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:39,719 Speaker 2: It is actually developmentally appropriate. It doesn't mean that they 442 00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:42,160 Speaker 2: should keep doing it, but it is normal, and it's 443 00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:44,560 Speaker 2: up to us to help them to work through it. 444 00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:46,679 Speaker 1: The reality is that age three is tougher. 445 00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:49,680 Speaker 2: I know we talk about the terrible twos, but three, 446 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,840 Speaker 2: my goodness, they're bigger, they're more strong. 447 00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:54,600 Speaker 1: Willed, they're more certain that the world needs to be the. 448 00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:57,080 Speaker 2: Way that they want it to be, and they can 449 00:20:57,119 --> 00:20:59,280 Speaker 2: play up and make things even harder for us. 450 00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:02,280 Speaker 1: Now, there's something it's called theory of mind. That's what 451 00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:03,640 Speaker 1: psychologists call it. 452 00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:06,480 Speaker 2: It means that we can tell what another person's thinking 453 00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:11,119 Speaker 2: or what another person is feeling when we say to 454 00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:14,680 Speaker 2: our child, know and they don't have. 455 00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:15,280 Speaker 1: Theory of mind. 456 00:21:15,359 --> 00:21:17,320 Speaker 2: They just can't understand why we would think or feel 457 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:20,919 Speaker 2: something that they don't think or feel. The difficult thing 458 00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:23,679 Speaker 2: about this is kids don't develop this ability until somewhere 459 00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:26,000 Speaker 2: around about the age of five. Maybe early developers will 460 00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:27,359 Speaker 2: get it around four to four and a half, but 461 00:21:27,359 --> 00:21:29,199 Speaker 2: the reality is four and a half five five and 462 00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:30,400 Speaker 2: a half is much more likely. 463 00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:31,960 Speaker 1: And this is at least. 464 00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:33,800 Speaker 2: Part of the reason why this little guy and why 465 00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:36,120 Speaker 2: all of our toddles and preschoolers have the tantrums that. 466 00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:37,440 Speaker 1: They have and why they lash out. 467 00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:40,439 Speaker 2: They just can't understand why they're friends, or why us 468 00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:43,880 Speaker 2: as their parents, or why their teachers would tell them 469 00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:45,720 Speaker 2: that they can't do what they want to do or 470 00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:48,600 Speaker 2: why they can't have what they want to have. Now, 471 00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:51,000 Speaker 2: at the same time that our children at this age 472 00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:54,080 Speaker 2: are grappling with this challenge, they're also struggling to develop 473 00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:55,040 Speaker 2: social skills. 474 00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:56,240 Speaker 1: Can you imagine trying to. 475 00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:59,920 Speaker 2: Play with people who keep on wanting things that you don't. 476 00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:04,480 Speaker 2: They're always demanding that you do things that you don't 477 00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:06,160 Speaker 2: want to do. They want you to do what they 478 00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:09,119 Speaker 2: want to do. It's very frustrating. So let's look at 479 00:22:09,119 --> 00:22:11,560 Speaker 2: the second thing. If we've got this theory of mind issue, 480 00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:13,959 Speaker 2: this helps us to understand why some of those standard 481 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:19,199 Speaker 2: techniques don't work. It's going to be ineffective when you 482 00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:21,680 Speaker 2: scold or child or play. Let me say that again, 483 00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:24,840 Speaker 2: it's going to be ineffective when you scold a child 484 00:22:25,359 --> 00:22:27,880 Speaker 2: or put them in time out at this age because 485 00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:29,479 Speaker 2: they're not going to go and sit there and think, gee, mum, 486 00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:32,200 Speaker 2: you're right, I should treat my friends better, I shouldn't 487 00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:33,000 Speaker 2: have tantrums. 488 00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:35,320 Speaker 1: Instead, they sit in the corner and they think, why 489 00:22:35,359 --> 00:22:37,320 Speaker 1: does everyone hate me? What's wrong with me? 490 00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:40,840 Speaker 2: Why am I in trouble when it was my friend 491 00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:44,360 Speaker 2: that wouldn't do what I said. So punishment gets really 492 00:22:44,359 --> 00:22:49,640 Speaker 2: confusing and really really isolating for children, regardless of their age, 493 00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:52,720 Speaker 2: but particularly for toddlers and prescoors. It causes them pain, 494 00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:56,080 Speaker 2: but it doesn't teach them particularly well. It just makes 495 00:22:56,080 --> 00:22:59,200 Speaker 2: them feel unworthy, at least them thinking what is wrong 496 00:22:59,240 --> 00:22:59,480 Speaker 2: with me? 497 00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:03,760 Speaker 1: That's wrong with my feelings? So what do we do instead? 498 00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:06,960 Speaker 2: Here's the steps that I recommend, not necessarily in this 499 00:23:07,119 --> 00:23:10,040 Speaker 2: order either, by the way. First up, remove the kids 500 00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:12,400 Speaker 2: from the situation and just make sure that any child 501 00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:16,720 Speaker 2: who's been hit is okay. Second, offer both of the 502 00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:19,119 Speaker 2: children comfort and support, even the one who's done the 503 00:23:19,119 --> 00:23:22,040 Speaker 2: wrong thing. Help them to feel safe and reassured. And 504 00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:24,520 Speaker 2: with the little boy or the little girl who's lashed out, 505 00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:27,160 Speaker 2: whatever you do, don't scold them and don't isolate them. 506 00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:29,359 Speaker 1: Just make sure that they're not going to hurt anybody else. 507 00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:35,480 Speaker 2: Next, describe what you're seeing, and I think that this 508 00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:37,600 Speaker 2: men I mum is actually doing this to some degree. 509 00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:41,920 Speaker 2: You might say you're really upset because of this, or 510 00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:46,000 Speaker 2: when that happens, you find it really frustrating, don't you. 511 00:23:47,119 --> 00:23:49,280 Speaker 2: So you're not talking so much about the behavior, you're 512 00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:51,800 Speaker 2: talking about how it feels for them in that situation. 513 00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:54,720 Speaker 2: And the idea of this is that as our children 514 00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:57,480 Speaker 2: feel understood, they start to calm down, and as they 515 00:23:57,480 --> 00:23:59,439 Speaker 2: calm down, then we can start to get logical. If 516 00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:02,840 Speaker 2: you get logic too early, it won't work. Nothing works 517 00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:05,399 Speaker 2: with anyone when they're emotional. If we're just being logical 518 00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:08,240 Speaker 2: with them. They don't want logic, they want understanding. So 519 00:24:08,359 --> 00:24:11,600 Speaker 2: once our kids are calm, then we get to finally say, 520 00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:14,240 Speaker 2: so that really upset you before, what do you think 521 00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:17,080 Speaker 2: is a better thing to do next time? We might 522 00:24:17,119 --> 00:24:19,159 Speaker 2: say what's the appropriate way to act or what's the 523 00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:22,280 Speaker 2: appropriate way to talk? And we want to keep that 524 00:24:22,320 --> 00:24:24,520 Speaker 2: conversation going until they can give us the right answer. 525 00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:26,480 Speaker 1: We might say something like, what's the right thing to 526 00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:27,320 Speaker 1: do next time? 527 00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:30,000 Speaker 2: Now, this is different to lecturing, because what we're actually 528 00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:32,160 Speaker 2: doing is we're asking a question and then we're listening. 529 00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:36,680 Speaker 2: We're inviting our children's input. And if you find out 530 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:41,200 Speaker 2: that another child has been the bully or the antagonist, 531 00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:46,439 Speaker 2: ask your child, then, well, when that person does that 532 00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:49,760 Speaker 2: to you, is it okay to hit? Is it okay 533 00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:52,399 Speaker 2: to be angry? Is it okay to throw things? And 534 00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:54,479 Speaker 2: every time they're going to say well no because they 535 00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:56,159 Speaker 2: know it's not okay, and then we just say, well, 536 00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:56,880 Speaker 2: what's the right thing. 537 00:24:56,760 --> 00:24:57,400 Speaker 1: To do instead? 538 00:24:58,080 --> 00:25:00,640 Speaker 2: So, throughout this entire process, it's not about getting mad. 539 00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:05,240 Speaker 2: It's about teaching and problem solving, and to do this effectively, 540 00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:08,680 Speaker 2: our children need to feel safe, but they also need 541 00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:10,399 Speaker 2: to know that there are limits. And this is the 542 00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:12,879 Speaker 2: final part of the conversation. You say, Okay, if this 543 00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:15,760 Speaker 2: happens again, what will we have to do? And that 544 00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:18,280 Speaker 2: way you can you can make sure that he understands 545 00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:23,680 Speaker 2: that more problems mean playtime is over. It's not about punishment, 546 00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:25,359 Speaker 2: but it's about helping him to know that we have 547 00:25:25,359 --> 00:25:27,120 Speaker 2: to treat other people with respect and if we can't 548 00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:29,399 Speaker 2: do that, then we can't be with them right now. 549 00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:32,080 Speaker 2: So if he tantrums at any time when you're going 550 00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:34,520 Speaker 2: through this process, don't get mad. That just means that 551 00:25:34,520 --> 00:25:35,560 Speaker 2: he's not feeling understood. 552 00:25:35,560 --> 00:25:35,760 Speaker 1: Again. 553 00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:38,760 Speaker 2: Instead of taking somewhere quiet, offer him hugs. Let him 554 00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:41,199 Speaker 2: know I can see how mad you are. I'm here 555 00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:43,560 Speaker 2: with a hug when you're ready. If he refuses hugs, 556 00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:45,359 Speaker 2: say that's okay. I'll just be waiting over here when 557 00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:47,640 Speaker 2: you're ready for a hug. You can come and give 558 00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:48,879 Speaker 2: me one, and then we can have a chat and 559 00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:51,440 Speaker 2: you can go and play again. Sometimes you actually need 560 00:25:51,480 --> 00:25:53,119 Speaker 2: to move away from the kids so that they can settle, 561 00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:55,480 Speaker 2: but always let them know I'm here for you when 562 00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:57,440 Speaker 2: you're ready, I'm happy to give you a hug. 563 00:25:57,640 --> 00:25:58,359 Speaker 1: You're not in trouble. 564 00:25:58,400 --> 00:25:59,679 Speaker 2: I just want you to calm down so I can 565 00:25:59,760 --> 00:26:03,400 Speaker 2: hug you and make you feel good. Okay, So once again, 566 00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:05,679 Speaker 2: we're talking here about setting limits on behavior, not as 567 00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:09,080 Speaker 2: a punishment, just setting limits and having a conversation about 568 00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:12,160 Speaker 2: what's okay. And you can do this with three year olds. 569 00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:15,280 Speaker 2: You're actually inviting them to be part of the solution. 570 00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:18,040 Speaker 2: It's a tricky process. It takes practice, but I've seen 571 00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:20,919 Speaker 2: it work time and time again. All of the parents 572 00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:23,120 Speaker 2: that I coach go through something like this at one 573 00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:26,680 Speaker 2: point or another, and it really makes a big difference. 574 00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:29,439 Speaker 1: It's so much better than punishing them. So that's my 575 00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:30,520 Speaker 1: response for this week. 576 00:26:30,600 --> 00:26:32,720 Speaker 2: Remember you can ask me any questions that you'd like 577 00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:36,159 Speaker 2: at justinculson dot com slash questions. You can leave a 578 00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:38,760 Speaker 2: voice message with your question or you can email me 579 00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:42,760 Speaker 2: all the info you need. Justinculson dot com slash questions. 580 00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:46,440 Speaker 2: Up next, I've got a parenting hack for bared little 581 00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:50,880 Speaker 2: kids who are driving you crazy, who are understimulated, and 582 00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:53,600 Speaker 2: who are simply dying for something to do. 583 00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:56,440 Speaker 4: We all love our children, that sometimes they can make 584 00:26:56,520 --> 00:26:59,320 Speaker 4: life challenging, and we're all searching for the right answers 585 00:26:59,560 --> 00:26:59,960 Speaker 4: in the air. 586 00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:02,720 Speaker 1: All we want is happy children and happy families. 587 00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:06,840 Speaker 4: Doctor Justin Coulson is one of Australia's most respected parenting voices. 588 00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:10,159 Speaker 4: He's seminars have equipped and empowered thousands of parents to 589 00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:13,600 Speaker 4: make their families happier. But sometimes getting to a parenting 590 00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:17,240 Speaker 4: seminar can be tough. There's work and other commitments. Then 591 00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:20,439 Speaker 4: there's the issue of the children and babysitters. Now you 592 00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:23,120 Speaker 4: can watch one of doctor Justin's seminars from the comfort 593 00:27:23,119 --> 00:27:25,480 Speaker 4: of your own home and at a time that works 594 00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:29,280 Speaker 4: for you. In this seminar video available online now, you're 595 00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:31,959 Speaker 4: invited to sit in on one of doctor Justin's parenting 596 00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:35,960 Speaker 4: seminars as he takes you from confusion to clarity. Combining 597 00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:40,040 Speaker 4: parenting research with heartfelt stories. You'll discover the three essential 598 00:27:40,119 --> 00:27:43,640 Speaker 4: keys to raising a resilient child and creating a happy family. 599 00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:46,520 Speaker 4: You'll learn how to build a strong connection with your children, 600 00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:50,160 Speaker 4: how to really understand them, and how to get discipline rights. 601 00:27:50,600 --> 00:27:53,399 Speaker 4: What your child needs from you. A seminar from doctor 602 00:27:53,560 --> 00:27:57,880 Speaker 4: Justinkilson at Justinkilson dot com. Download this ninety minute seminar 603 00:27:57,960 --> 00:28:01,679 Speaker 4: now or purchase the dvd Justinkilson dot com. 604 00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:04,439 Speaker 2: So as our preschoolers get older, especially towards the end 605 00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:07,240 Speaker 2: of the school year, they start to look for more 606 00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:11,800 Speaker 2: and more stimulation. But your responsibilities haven't changed a bit. 607 00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:12,800 Speaker 2: You've still got to do everything. 608 00:28:12,800 --> 00:28:14,399 Speaker 1: The kids just want more of you, and they just 609 00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:17,320 Speaker 1: want more to do. And one of the simplest, funnest 610 00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:19,800 Speaker 1: things that you can do is grab a handful of 611 00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:23,000 Speaker 1: sheets or blankets and send the kids into the lounge 612 00:28:23,080 --> 00:28:26,080 Speaker 1: room or the playroom and get them to make cabby houses. 613 00:28:26,280 --> 00:28:29,000 Speaker 2: It's such a simple parenting hack and it gives them 614 00:28:29,119 --> 00:28:31,480 Speaker 2: endless time. Give them the cushions, give them access to 615 00:28:31,520 --> 00:28:33,679 Speaker 2: the dining chairs, whatever it is that they need. You 616 00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:36,359 Speaker 2: might even get involved a little bit yourself. They're going 617 00:28:36,440 --> 00:28:38,480 Speaker 2: to feel like they've built the taj Mahal. They'll play 618 00:28:38,480 --> 00:28:41,320 Speaker 2: in it, they'll eat in it, they'll practically want to 619 00:28:41,400 --> 00:28:42,680 Speaker 2: sleep in it. 620 00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:46,000 Speaker 1: And now that the weather's getting genuinely warmer. 621 00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:48,840 Speaker 2: You can play some really simple outdoor games as well 622 00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:51,240 Speaker 2: that occupy them for ages. I don't know if you 623 00:28:51,320 --> 00:28:54,200 Speaker 2: ever played coits as a kid, but the kids love 624 00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:57,200 Speaker 2: these simple games. They love hopscots, they love marbles, they 625 00:28:57,240 --> 00:28:58,040 Speaker 2: love elastics. 626 00:28:58,040 --> 00:29:02,160 Speaker 1: They're all simple outside games that keep them away from screens. 627 00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:05,440 Speaker 2: They keep them active, they keep them stimulated, and even 628 00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:08,200 Speaker 2: some simple things like water play or some paints or 629 00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:12,120 Speaker 2: driveway chalk, it can occupy them in really creative, playful pursuits. 630 00:29:12,320 --> 00:29:13,719 Speaker 1: It can stop them being bored. 631 00:29:14,240 --> 00:29:16,280 Speaker 2: And you know what, if they are getting bored, you 632 00:29:16,320 --> 00:29:19,120 Speaker 2: can spile them and say that's okay, you'll think of something. 633 00:29:19,520 --> 00:29:21,000 Speaker 2: Just keep them away from the screens and let them 634 00:29:21,080 --> 00:29:24,120 Speaker 2: use their creativity in their imagination. So that's the parenting 635 00:29:24,160 --> 00:29:26,040 Speaker 2: hack for this week. Get the kids outside, get them 636 00:29:26,080 --> 00:29:29,120 Speaker 2: doing simple things, or get them building things like Cabby houses. 637 00:29:30,240 --> 00:29:32,960 Speaker 2: That's it for this week. Thanks for listening to the 638 00:29:33,040 --> 00:29:36,320 Speaker 2: Positivity Podcast. If you have any questions you'd like to 639 00:29:37,080 --> 00:29:40,080 Speaker 2: have me answer, go to Justin Coulson dot com slash questions. 640 00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:42,600 Speaker 1: I'll do my best to answer them in an upcoming podcast. 641 00:29:43,040 --> 00:29:44,920 Speaker 2: You can leave a voice message, or you can send 642 00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:47,640 Speaker 2: me an email at Justin Coulson dot com slash questions 643 00:29:48,240 --> 00:29:50,160 Speaker 2: and if you've enjoyed the podcast, you. 644 00:29:50,080 --> 00:29:51,160 Speaker 1: Can find the outline. 645 00:29:51,400 --> 00:29:53,400 Speaker 2: You can find the resource links in the show notes 646 00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:57,480 Speaker 2: Justinculson dot com slash podcast slash. 647 00:29:57,320 --> 00:29:59,080 Speaker 1: Six as in the number six. 648 00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:02,120 Speaker 2: If you think that the podcasts may have just made 649 00:30:02,120 --> 00:30:04,240 Speaker 2: your family a little bit happier, or if you think 650 00:30:04,240 --> 00:30:07,120 Speaker 2: that it could make other people's family happier, I'd be 651 00:30:07,200 --> 00:30:09,880 Speaker 2: so grateful. I'd really appreciate it if you would visit 652 00:30:10,040 --> 00:30:12,800 Speaker 2: Justin Coulson dot com slash podcast slash six like the 653 00:30:12,880 --> 00:30:16,520 Speaker 2: number six, You'll find Twitter, you'll find Facebook links, you 654 00:30:16,520 --> 00:30:18,240 Speaker 2: can share it with your friends or followers. 655 00:30:18,480 --> 00:30:19,440 Speaker 1: You can get the word out. 656 00:30:19,280 --> 00:30:21,680 Speaker 2: About the podcast that helps people to discover me and 657 00:30:21,720 --> 00:30:24,120 Speaker 2: discover what I'm doing. And if you've listened this long, 658 00:30:24,360 --> 00:30:26,240 Speaker 2: I guess you're liking it, so hopefully other people will 659 00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:29,520 Speaker 2: like it as well. I'd also I'd love it if 660 00:30:29,520 --> 00:30:32,680 Speaker 2: you'd go to iTunes rate the podcast on iTunes because 661 00:30:32,720 --> 00:30:35,560 Speaker 2: your ratings help other people to find the podcast and 662 00:30:35,920 --> 00:30:38,440 Speaker 2: boost the visibility of what I'm doing here. And you 663 00:30:38,480 --> 00:30:41,960 Speaker 2: can always subscribe to the podcast on iTunes as well 664 00:30:42,120 --> 00:30:43,640 Speaker 2: as quite a handful of people have. 665 00:30:43,680 --> 00:30:45,360 Speaker 1: Started to do so thanks for helping me to get 666 00:30:45,360 --> 00:30:47,400 Speaker 1: the word out. That's it for this week. 667 00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:49,160 Speaker 2: I'm going to have another podcast ready to go for 668 00:30:49,200 --> 00:30:53,520 Speaker 2: you next week talking about keeping children safe. Until then, 669 00:30:53,960 --> 00:30:55,560 Speaker 2: remember you don't have to be the best parent in 670 00:30:55,560 --> 00:30:57,280 Speaker 2: the world. You just have to be the best parent 671 00:30:57,600 --> 00:31:00,320 Speaker 2: in your child's work. Five