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Speaker 1: Today, the conversation is all about consent, peer pressure and

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Speaker 1: parental Guidance. Season three, Episode two. Welcome to the Happy

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Speaker 1: Families Podcast, Real parenting Solutions every Day. This is Australia's

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Speaker 1: most downloaded parenting podcast. We are Justin and Kylie Coulson. Kylie,

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Speaker 1: the long standing struggle that is pushing kids to the edge,

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Speaker 1: according to the primo of Parental Guidance Season three, looking

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Speaker 1: at peer pressure. Yesterday we talked about what was going

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Speaker 1: on here. We've got Amy and Mark, our active parents.

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Speaker 1: We've got Nathan and Joe, Ann our traditional parents, our

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Speaker 1: protech parents, Courtney and John, and our upfront parents, Mark

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Speaker 1: and Tammy. I want to set the scene for today's conversation.

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Speaker 1: The challenge was this, have parents been having consent conversations

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Speaker 1: with their kids? Do they know how to have the

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Speaker 1: consent conversation? Let's have a listen to what the expert

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Speaker 1: had to say about it.

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Speaker 2: For this one, we've brought an extra expert to help

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Speaker 2: review how you went. Joining us in the parent Lounge

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Speaker 2: is consent educator Daniel Prince shapeI perhaps we could just

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Speaker 2: start by explaining the work that you do and why

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Speaker 2: consent is so important.

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Speaker 3: I work with young people, young men predominantly across Australia,

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Speaker 3: helping them make sense of the messages that they get

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Speaker 3: about consent, respect and sex.

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Speaker 4: Dan, how big is the problem when it.

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Speaker 3: Comes to young people? And something that keeps me up

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Speaker 3: at night is that fifteen to nineteen year old girls

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Speaker 3: are the biggest victims of sexual assault in our nation.

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Speaker 3: And the flip side of that very unfortunate coin is

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Speaker 3: that fifteen to nineteen year old boys are the biggest

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Speaker 3: perpetrators of sexual violence in our nation. Now, I do

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Speaker 3: this work because that's not who I believe young boys are.

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Speaker 3: I don't believe they're wired that way. Something's clearly gone

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Speaker 3: wrong and how they understand relationship, sex, power, consents. Our

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Speaker 3: job to help prevent that and help them actually know

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Speaker 3: what is a healthy relationship.

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Speaker 1: Before we play anything more from the episode, I just

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Speaker 1: have to highlight this for any school teachers, any school principles,

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Speaker 1: anybody who is listening, who is looking for someone to

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Speaker 1: talk at school about masculinity and helping boys. I do

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Speaker 1: not know anyone I can recommend more than Dan Prince Pate.

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Speaker 1: He is one of my favorite people to talk to

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Speaker 1: about this topic. He's so wise, he's so articulate. I

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Speaker 1: just love listening to him. I wish we could have

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Speaker 1: just played the entire episode as the conversation that Dan

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Speaker 1: had in that room, because he sat there for about

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Speaker 1: an hour and everybody listened with rapt attention to everything

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Speaker 1: he had to say.

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Speaker 5: I would have loved to have been in that room.

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Speaker 5: Like just the small snippets that we got of him

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Speaker 5: on the show were so punchy.

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Speaker 1: Totally, let's have it. Listen to what happened with the

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Speaker 1: protech parents.

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Speaker 6: Our challenge is to talk to you guys about consent.

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Speaker 6: You could get consent to touch Dad. Did you ask

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Speaker 6: him for I didn't, but I married him.

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Speaker 4: It's fine.

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Speaker 6: Later on, you might have a girlfriend and you might

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Speaker 6: want to kiss her, and then you would have to

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Speaker 6: ask or consent to do that. You would have to

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Speaker 6: make sure she's comfortable.

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Speaker 4: Right.

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Speaker 7: Yeah.

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Speaker 6: With so many domestic violence cases, I feel like the

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Speaker 6: responsibility as a parent of two boys is to raise

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Speaker 6: the boys to be respectful towards not only women, but everybody.

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Speaker 6: If you've kissed someone before, does that mean you've agreed

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Speaker 6: to kiss them every time one of you feels like it.

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Speaker 8: No, it's just permission, Like for example, can I have

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Speaker 8: your consent to film you?

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Speaker 4: Yeah, that's a way of asking.

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Speaker 6: That's a big one in this house, isn't it.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, that you do not apply. Do your kids like

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Speaker 4: being on social media? I knew you'd do that.

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Speaker 6: Yes, they do, they do. We check with the often.

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Speaker 4: I check weekly.

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Speaker 6: Actually, do you still like being on my TikTok? Do

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Speaker 6: you want to do my TikTok?

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Speaker 9: Yeah?

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Speaker 2: But maybe they're just trying to say yes because you're

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Speaker 2: their mom that I want to let you down.

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Speaker 4: But I don't. In that video, I don't feel like

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Speaker 4: he really wanted to.

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Speaker 5: This was actually quite interesting to me, obviously having a

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Speaker 5: podcast about parenting and family life. Actually we talk about

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Speaker 5: our kids on the podcast all the time.

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Speaker 7: We do.

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Speaker 1: It's called sharing about to.

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Speaker 5: Say, it's called charingon. But I do believe there's a

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Speaker 5: really fine line between sharing our children's lives and getting

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Speaker 5: their consent around it. I know, in the early days,

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Speaker 5: when they were quite young, we were obviously very free

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Speaker 5: with the conversations that we shared. We named them that

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Speaker 5: you could say, named and shamed. But as they've gotten

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Speaker 5: older and they have their own social media presence, we've

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Speaker 5: become a lot more guarded about what we share, how

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Speaker 5: we share it, and for the most part, we're often

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Speaker 5: very delicate about not naming them.

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Speaker 1: We're pretty careful about what we disclosed, and if we

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Speaker 1: do disclose stuff, we always ask permission. Right, Hey, today

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Speaker 1: on the podcast, guys, we want to record a conversation

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Speaker 1: about that thing that happened. Are you cool with the

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Speaker 1: sharing that?

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Speaker 5: And they'll always listen to the cart at the other

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Speaker 5: end totally and they do love it. One of the

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Speaker 5: tricky conversations we had recently on the podcast the daughter involved.

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Speaker 5: She got in the car and she went straight to

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Speaker 5: find it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, what did you say? You told me you were

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Speaker 1: going to say it. Did you do the right thing

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Speaker 1: by me?

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Speaker 5: And I was sitting there with baited breath the whole time,

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Speaker 5: and she couldn't help it. There was just this massive

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Speaker 5: grin on her face. And at the end, I said,

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Speaker 5: did we do okay? Did we keep your identity sufficiently blurred?

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Speaker 5: And she said yeah, I guess yeah.

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Speaker 1: So Nick and Sophia are our positivity parents. We haven't

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Speaker 1: really seen or heard much from them. Sofia is in

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Speaker 1: the I guess what is that a fluorescent green? Lime green?

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Speaker 1: I don't know what color it is, but that's a

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Speaker 1: pretty good the green dresscription. They have a massive social

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Speaker 1: media following as well, so it's quite interesting to see

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Speaker 1: the dynamic playing out here. Really important conversation and something

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Speaker 1: that research shows is a concern for children. We do

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Speaker 1: need to be mindful of that, and that is part

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Speaker 1: of the consent conversation. I'm really glad that they said

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Speaker 1: and did what they did around that. Let's have a

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Speaker 1: look at what happened with the traditional parents. This was

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Speaker 1: a moment.

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Speaker 9: So what do you think consent is?

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Speaker 8: Consents like asking permission to do something with the other person.

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Speaker 4: It's just manage your traditional parents.

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Speaker 7: We definitely try to protect them from adult themes as

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Speaker 7: much as possible.

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Speaker 4: We're not intentionally trying to broach sex at this age.

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Speaker 9: When you're kissing someone, it's important to check in before

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Speaker 9: doing something else with them.

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Speaker 7: I may have a few concerns about the topics.

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Speaker 4: We'll just have to take it as it comes.

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Speaker 9: Don't want to talking about the sex.

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Speaker 4: Doesn't like talking about the sex.

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Speaker 7: Actually I don't really care, but maybe not with you

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Speaker 7: there too, and like, well, I don't know.

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Speaker 4: It's a bit weird.

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Speaker 1: I love you.

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Speaker 9: That's how they came to be well, yeah, but you know, check.

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Speaker 4: Out the kids.

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Speaker 8: If you kiss someone and they want to do that,

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Speaker 8: say they sit on a bed, you can stop it.

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Speaker 4: And she's saying, she said, let us speak.

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Speaker 8: I go, why are you saying on a bed? And

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Speaker 8: then they go, oh, I want to do this and

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Speaker 8: then they go no man and they can walk the

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Speaker 8: cool dad.

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Speaker 9: Definitely call your dad.

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Speaker 4: I like that.

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Speaker 9: Definitely called dad because dad's got a shotgun and a shovel.

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Speaker 4: Wow. How old are your daughters again? Twelve and fourteen?

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Speaker 6: Yeah.

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Speaker 10: I think that maybe you start to have some type

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Speaker 10: of conversation around consent and sex because it would be

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Speaker 10: around them, just so they don't feel so awkward.

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Speaker 4: It was awkward. Yeah, I'm not going to lie.

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Speaker 7: I don't really think anyone's one hundred percent comfortable having

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Speaker 7: a full blown chat about sex or their sex life

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Speaker 7: with their children.

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Speaker 1: Oh you're thinking what I'm thinking. Okay, we need to

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Speaker 1: take a break. After the break though, there is a

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Speaker 1: lot to cover about what just happened. All right, Kylie.

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Speaker 1: You and I we have six daughters. We have had

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Speaker 1: many conversations with our children about consent. They are ongoing.

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Speaker 1: I am an ambassador for the federal government's consent can't

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Speaker 1: Wait campaign? Can I just I really, I really love

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Speaker 1: all the families on the show, and I want to

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Speaker 1: honor and respect them and really celebrate their willingness to

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Speaker 1: get on a national TV show and put their parent

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Speaker 1: in front and center in the spotlight. I do need

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Speaker 1: to just pick on Nathan for a moment in twenty

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Speaker 1: twenty five. I believe that we have got to get

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Speaker 1: past this. I've got a gun and a shovel mentality

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Speaker 1: about our daughters dating. It's something that really belongs last century,

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Speaker 1: or even the century before. What we've got to do

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Speaker 1: instead is empower our children to look forward to what

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Speaker 1: is good about dating and give them the resources and

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Speaker 1: the tools that they need to navigate what can sometimes

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Speaker 1: be quite tricky and can be dangerous, some things can

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Speaker 1: cast a long shadow into the rest of their lives.

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Speaker 1: But if we give them those tools, then they can

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Speaker 1: navigate these these situations positively and have really great experiences.

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Speaker 1: And I think we want to be celebrating the positive

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Speaker 1: rather than coming out with guns and shovels.

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Speaker 5: So Nathan and Joanne are alone in.

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Speaker 1: This though, Oh no, not at all.

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Speaker 5: And what I have seen too many times is parents

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Speaker 5: unwilling to have what they can say it are as

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Speaker 5: uncomfortable discussions and conversations with their children because it just

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Speaker 5: it feels yeah.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and let's be really clear. I know some people

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Speaker 1: were sort of shrugging at them and going, come on, like,

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Speaker 1: let's be real. Your children are going to whatever. Everyone

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Speaker 1: knows their kids. And when I look at Nathan, Joanne

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Speaker 1: and their family and their kids, my take on this

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Speaker 1: is that in that family, they can probably push these

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Speaker 1: conversations out a little bit longer than many other families

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Speaker 1: because of the way they've protected their kids and made

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Speaker 1: their family safe.

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Speaker 5: I don't know. I'm thinking about how their youngest daughter

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Speaker 5: responded to the AI bot in the first episode, and

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Speaker 5: she is a curious kid.

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Speaker 10: I'm dating someone.

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Speaker 8: Oh, you're dating someone.

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Speaker 7: You're really gonna hate what I have to say next?

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Speaker 3: WHI on?

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Speaker 4: Okay, the person I'm dating ISAA.

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Speaker 5: And the challenge we have when we don't empower our

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Speaker 5: children with the adequate information to curb their curiosity. If

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Speaker 5: we're not giving it to them, they're going to go

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Speaker 5: somewhere else.

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Speaker 8: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: And my other concern is if your kids are at school,

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Speaker 1: they are going to be exposed to stuff. Now again,

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Speaker 1: I would anticipate, based on what I'm seeing in this

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Speaker 1: family that these are the kinds of girls who'll say, oh,

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Speaker 1: that's not for me, and I'll just walk away wonderful,

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Speaker 1: But they will still be exposed and the conversations do

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Speaker 1: need to be had. So while I'm saying every family

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Speaker 1: is different, and some families you can probably push it

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Speaker 1: back a bit, I'm not saying you can avoid it,

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Speaker 1: and certainly with girls twelve and fourteen, these are conversations

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Speaker 1: that need to happen. So what I'd like to do

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Speaker 1: for the rest of this episode, with maybe just one

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Speaker 1: more clip from Dan prince Pay a little bit later,

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Speaker 1: is I want to talk about how we recommend managing

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Speaker 1: these conversations, the best approach, the questions that you need

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Speaker 1: to be prepared for, how specific you need to be,

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Speaker 1: and why being open and honest is best. I want

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Speaker 1: to start, though, with the question, what's the right age

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Speaker 1: to begin having these conversations? You know what my favorite

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Speaker 1: answer is to to this question before too have every

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Speaker 1: important conversation, that you need to have every tricky discussion

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Speaker 1: before the age of two.

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Speaker 5: You know, it sounds so stupid, honestly, it sounds really stupid,

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Speaker 5: but I remember when I first found out that I

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Speaker 5: was pregnant, and I.

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Speaker 1: Didn't didn't know that was coming, but go ahead, yep,

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Speaker 1: sor I mean, I knew that I need to rethink

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Speaker 1: what I was saying. I mean, I didn't know that

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Speaker 1: you were going to talk about that. I definitely knew

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Speaker 1: that you were going to find out that you were pregnant.

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Speaker 1: I was heavily involved in that let's move on.

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Speaker 5: And I remember having conversations with my belly in anticipation

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Speaker 5: of this beautiful, miracle child that was going to come

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Speaker 5: into our lives, and you know, those late feeds where

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Speaker 5: I would talk to her and share my hopes and

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Speaker 5: dreams for her and all of those kinds of things.

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Speaker 5: And it was just such a natural thing for me

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Speaker 5: to do, as I wanted to fill her heart, her mind,

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Speaker 5: and soul with all the goodness that I could. And

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Speaker 5: So while you kind of say tongue in cheek, I

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Speaker 5: actually think there's so much power in us having these

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Speaker 5: really tricky conversations with them. And it's like practice, right,

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Speaker 5: We're practicing with someone who can't talk back pretty much.

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Speaker 1: And it also makes you more comfortable having the conversations,

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Speaker 1: and this whole idea of early and often early and

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Speaker 1: often early and often I've been repeating it like a

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Speaker 1: mantra for years here on this podcast. These conversations are

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Speaker 1: not one offs, like it's not one and done. It's

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Speaker 1: not well. We've had the consent conversation, We've had the

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Speaker 1: appropriation conversation, we've had the drugs conversation. That's not how

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Speaker 1: it works. That's why over the last few weeks we've

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Speaker 1: been emphasizing the new shift we've made in our family.

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Speaker 1: We've made it way too late. We needed to do

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Speaker 1: this a decade ago or more. But every Sunday now

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Speaker 1: we have a fifteen to twenty minute talk that often

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Speaker 1: goes for forty five to sixty minutes because the kids

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Speaker 1: are so talkative about tricky topics, about sometimes big things

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Speaker 1: and sometimes little things, about emotions or about intimacy, or

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Speaker 1: about consent, or about what to do when a boy

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Speaker 1: is putting pressure on you or sending you messages that

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Speaker 1: you don't want, or about hope, yeah, yeah, yeah, what

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Speaker 1: to look forward to. We had a conversation recently just

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Speaker 1: about the principles of well being. We've had conversations with

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Speaker 1: the kids about screens, but having these conversations regularly, in

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Speaker 1: both formal and informal ways, so our Sunday morning conversations

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Speaker 1: they're set in stone. The kids know what's happening. It's

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Speaker 1: an appointment, it's locked and loaded. But there's also all

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Speaker 1: those informal ones, like the day that one of our

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Speaker 1: kids climbed into the car after school and looked at

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Speaker 1: me and said, Dad, can we talk about STIs? And

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Speaker 1: it's like, we need to have this conversation. If you're

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Speaker 1: asking me, I'd rather you talk to me about it

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Speaker 1: than talk to Google about it or talk to YouTube

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Speaker 1: about it. We need to talk about this together. And

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Speaker 1: so what I mean when I say have all of

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Speaker 1: these conversations before the age of two is get used

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Speaker 1: to having the discussions and open your mouth and talk

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Speaker 1: about it, even if you're uncomfortable, because the kids are curious,

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Speaker 1: even if they say I don't want to talk about it.

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Speaker 5: What I've been really grateful for is we have had

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Speaker 5: numerous conversations with our girls where they've come home and

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Speaker 5: shared challenges that their friends are experiencing and their friends

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Speaker 5: don't feel comfortable going to their parents.

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Speaker 1: There's one that I have not told you about that.

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Speaker 1: One of our kids told us, you do know, really? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: so I haven't told you about it, but you know.

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Speaker 1: So a little while ago, one of our kids came

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Speaker 1: to me and said, I haven't told mom, and I

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Speaker 1: don't think mom should know. But one of my friends,

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Speaker 1: age fifteen, thinks that she's having a baby. She thinks

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Speaker 1: she's pregnant, and she can't talk to her parents about it.

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Speaker 1: What do I do?

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Speaker 5: Yeah?

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Speaker 1: And so having these the consequence of not having these conversations,

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Speaker 1: not having the trust in the relationship, can be that

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Speaker 1: your children can find themselves in some very challenging circumstances

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Speaker 1: and not know where to go for help.

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Speaker 5: And then you knew that. The biggest challenge around that

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Speaker 5: is that they're receiving advice from other fifteen year olds

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Speaker 5: right who don't have the maturity or the understanding of

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Speaker 5: the implications of decisions made without someone with greater foresight

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Speaker 5: and experience and unconditional love for their child.

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Speaker 1: I want to make light of what's just happened, even

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Speaker 1: though what we're talking about is a very serious thing.

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Speaker 1: I can't believe that I've decided to tell you that

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Speaker 1: I know about this thing on a podcast all this

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Speaker 1: time after finding out having kept it from you for

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Speaker 1: so long, only to find out that you know about

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Speaker 1: it and you didn't tell me about it. Maybe we

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Speaker 1: need to work on how communication a bit more as well. Fundamentally,

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Speaker 1: these conversations need to be simple, they need to be clear,

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Speaker 1: they need to be direct. Kids just want us to

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Speaker 1: be straight shooters. Nothing should be misconstrued, be open and honest.

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Speaker 1: I'm a really big fan of the three e's. Explore,

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Speaker 1: Explain empower.

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Speaker 5: It never ceases to amaze me. We're looking for a

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Speaker 5: complicated answer.

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Speaker 1: And it doesn't need to be.

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Speaker 5: It actually doesn't need to be. And these three e's

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Speaker 5: are so powerful. Every conversation we have with our kids

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Speaker 5: ultimately comes back.

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Speaker 1: To where are you up to? Here's what matters to us,

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Speaker 1: How we're going to fix this? Yeah, yep, explore explain

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Speaker 1: the power. Let's give Dan Prince pay the last word on.

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Speaker 4: A humanize that.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it can be uncomfortable. I would just say that

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Speaker 3: one of the things that I think is just a

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Speaker 3: general good rule for everybody is like we need to

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Speaker 3: get comfortable getting uncomfortable, because I wouldn't want any young

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Speaker 3: person feeling like their desires or their curiosity is shameful.

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Speaker 1: How good is that?

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Speaker 7: All right?

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Speaker 1: We need to wrap it up there. We keep on

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Speaker 1: going over time. This is such a fun conversation. I mean,

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Speaker 1: I just love what Parental Guidance offers parents as a resource. Yes,

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Speaker 1: I know that it's a reality TV entertainment, but it

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Speaker 1: is such a valuable resource. It's such a privilege to

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Speaker 1: be on the show. Tomorrow we're going to focus on

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Speaker 1: sending explicit text messages, sexting, sending nerds, whatever else you

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Speaker 1: would like to talk about it as it is happening.

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Speaker 1: We may prefer to think that it isn't happening, but

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Speaker 1: tomorrow we're going to have the uncomfortable conversation about kids

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Speaker 1: sharing naked pictures online. We really appreciate Justin rolland from

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Speaker 1: Bridge Media. He's the producer of the podcast. Craig Bruce

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Speaker 1: is our executive producer, and Mim Hammond's provides research and

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Speaker 1: admin support. More information and more resources about making your

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Speaker 1: family happier are available at Happy families dot com dot

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Speaker 1: au and if you'd like to catch up on Parental

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Speaker 1: Guidance seasons one, two, and three, you can stream them

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Speaker 1: now at nine Now. Episode three is back next Monday nights,