Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to another little trip down
Speaker 1: memory Lane with Life on Cart. I'm Laura, and if
Speaker 1: you've been following along this week, then you would know
Speaker 1: that Britt is not here with me today, and that
Speaker 1: is because we are still on holidays. But before we
Speaker 1: get into today's little walk down memory lane, I just
Speaker 1: want to wish you guys the biggest happy freaking New
Speaker 1: Year's Eve that I can possibly muster whilst I sit
Speaker 1: here alone in my bedroom recording this. But I hope
Speaker 1: the twenty twenty one brings you, guys everything that you
Speaker 1: have wanted. I hope that you guys have your goals
Speaker 1: in place. And for everybody who felt like twenty twenty
Speaker 1: was a little bit stagnant, they weren't able to really
Speaker 1: kick start or progress or we'll move in the direction
Speaker 1: that they wanted for themselves, I hope that this new
Speaker 1: year brings you all of that and so much more.
Speaker 1: And we really can't wait to come back in the
Speaker 1: new year and bring you this podcast and hopefully bring
Speaker 1: you guys some roles as well, because that's what life's
Speaker 1: all about. But anyway, for today's episode, we thought what
Speaker 1: better way to bring in a brand new year twenty
Speaker 1: twenty one than with some fireworks, And by fireworks, I
Speaker 1: kind of mean gas lighting. Similar a very tenuous stretch
Speaker 1: of a link here, but I'm gonna go with it.
Speaker 1: So today's episode is gas Lit City Baby. It is
Speaker 1: from April this year, and I personally really love this episode.
Speaker 1: I know Britt loves this episode two and it's because
Speaker 1: gas lighting is something that is and it's so common
Speaker 1: in relationships, not just in romantic relationships, but in all relationships.
Speaker 1: It can be really malicious technique that's used in toxic relationships,
Speaker 1: but it can also just be something that we do
Speaker 1: unintentionally as a result of either feeling guilty for our
Speaker 1: behavior or also because we don't have the best communication skills.
Speaker 1: So it's something that like, I think a lot of
Speaker 1: people will listen to this episode and go ah, I
Speaker 1: do that from time to time, and I'm not a
Speaker 1: total asshole.
Speaker 2: But being aware of.
Speaker 1: Your behavior also helps you to recognize it, identify it,
Speaker 1: and do better in your own relationships.
Speaker 2: So I loved this episode. We did it.
Speaker 1: It's also just such a good walk down memory lane
Speaker 1: because we talk about too Hot to Handle, which was
Speaker 1: truly one of the highlights this year, and also some
Speaker 1: great accidentally unfiltereds in there for you as well. So, guys,
Speaker 1: that's enough for me for today. I hope that you
Speaker 1: have already popped yourself a glass of champagne. Sit back, enjoy.
Speaker 1: This is episode twenty nine and it's gas lit city.
Speaker 2: Baby. Are we live? You're live? Okay? I still really
Speaker 2: need to fart.
Speaker 3: I need to go to the bathroom.
Speaker 2: Oh do you alright? We'll just start. I think it's
Speaker 2: in your head. No, that was in my butt.
Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut.
Speaker 2: I'm Laura and I'm Brittany.
Speaker 1: And this should be our Tuesday episode, except very confusing.
Speaker 1: We know it is Thursday, and we're very very sorry
Speaker 1: that we couldn't bring you our episode this week.
Speaker 2: We did, I say we we as a collective podcast.
Speaker 2: We did have a crazy week and we couldn't get
Speaker 2: it to you. But there is very very good reason. Laura,
Speaker 2: I was like, what's your bloody excuse? No, I was
Speaker 2: just supporting you. Thank you, and I I feel hell,
Speaker 2: I feel supported. I feel seen sorry guys that we
Speaker 2: couldn't get you it. We had a really hard week
Speaker 2: with Mally. She she came down with some sort of
Speaker 2: viral bug, and which is crazy because we have not
Speaker 2: left house, We have not done anything at all for
Speaker 2: almost five weeks now, so somehow somewhere in our house
Speaker 2: she's managed to pick up some sort of virus. And
Speaker 2: we spent a couple of nights back and forth from
Speaker 2: hospital with her, and yeah, it was a bit stressful.
Speaker 2: So that took Numero uno priority this week. Absolutely, Like
Speaker 2: and the crazy thing that I thought was Laura is
Speaker 2: messaging me and she's like, we're in hospital again. Throughout
Speaker 2: the night, She's like, we can still try and record tomorrow,
Speaker 2: Like you were still trying. You were like, I feel
Speaker 2: bad and I want to get the episode out. And
Speaker 2: I had to sort of pull the rug from under
Speaker 2: you a little bit and say, absolutely not. I don't
Speaker 2: want to weave a team down. You didn't, but I
Speaker 2: love your dedication, but there's a time for it, and
Speaker 2: this was this is more important. And sometimes there are
Speaker 2: a few things in life that are going to trumpet,
Speaker 2: but family is one of them. Guys.
Speaker 1: Sometime life just gets ya. And you know what, having
Speaker 1: a sit kid is worse than having a man with
Speaker 1: men flu. So if you don't have a kid, and
Speaker 1: so you're not. We can't quite figure out what that's like.
Speaker 1: Think of when your boyfriend or your ex boyfriend or
Speaker 1: your dad has been sick. It's about ten times worse
Speaker 1: than that. But she's completely on the men. Now hopefully
Speaker 1: she's out of the woods.
Speaker 2: Are we out of the woods? Are we out of
Speaker 2: the woods? But that is our reason, guys, And thank you.
Speaker 2: You're always so understanding. Always, I say always. We've only
Speaker 2: ever done this once, but you guys were really understanding
Speaker 2: that time, and we're very, very grateful with how understanding
Speaker 2: you were this week as well.
Speaker 1: So this is going to be a bit of a
Speaker 1: longer episode because we are also going to merge in
Speaker 1: and ask uncut. We hadn't talked about that, but we're
Speaker 1: bringing that on you now. Brittany, I just looked like,
Speaker 1: well my what, there's news to me, news to you,
Speaker 1: news to everyone. We're going to merge in and ask
Speaker 1: uncut at the end, So guys just strap yourselves in,
Speaker 1: put in some undies. It's gonna be a good episode.
Speaker 2: Well, something great did happen to me this week? I'll
Speaker 2: go on then tell me all about it. It was
Speaker 2: just that you watched too hot to Handle and that's
Speaker 2: great for me because now we can talk about it.
Speaker 1: So last episode recommended too All that we should watch
Speaker 1: Too Hot to Handle, And look, guys, I'm I'm a
Speaker 1: sick o for reality TV.
Speaker 2: You know that.
Speaker 1: I just didn't want to get on board because I
Speaker 1: knew that it would be many hours of my life
Speaker 1: that i'd never get back. And I managed to watch
Speaker 1: the entire series in two days, and.
Speaker 2: It's so good. It's so good.
Speaker 1: It's freaking disgusting, and I hate it with every single
Speaker 1: fiber in my body.
Speaker 2: And I love it as well. You felt like you
Speaker 2: were losing some brain cells and you felt like I
Speaker 2: shouldn't be watching this. There has to be something more
Speaker 2: productive I can do with my life. But you couldn't
Speaker 2: look away like you just you were so invested in
Speaker 2: seeing what happened and seeing who got with who. And
Speaker 2: I don't even know if it was that, but it
Speaker 2: was just I was in hysterics, constantly laughing at them
Speaker 2: with them at the host Lana, Oh my god, Lana,
Speaker 2: Oh I need Lana. Can Lana start a podcast? I'm
Speaker 2: here for it and I'm gonna blow your mind right
Speaker 2: now ready. One of our listeners wrote in today to
Speaker 2: me personally, She's like, I just feel like you need
Speaker 2: this information. Do you know where they got the name
Speaker 2: Lana from? Where? You can't laugh at your own joke
Speaker 2: before you've even but Lana Lana? What is Lana backwards? Anal?
Speaker 2: That's pretty surely that is not the motivator.
Speaker 1: Hey, guys have some deep connection really form that laving bond,
Speaker 1: but that's not it.
Speaker 2: It's a show, is a piss take. Blana laughs at them,
Speaker 2: not with them the whole time. She's always making fun
Speaker 2: of them. Like, I one hundred percent think that it
Speaker 2: is anal backwards. That's why they've done it. It was forethought
Speaker 2: for sure, I remeditated. I am on board. I have
Speaker 2: watched the whole thing.
Speaker 1: I am a convert born again, too hot to handle,
Speaker 1: stick a fantic.
Speaker 2: I love it.
Speaker 1: I'm sure that some people are going to think less
Speaker 1: of us for this, but you know what, that's I
Speaker 1: have no other recommendations for this week. My recommendation is
Speaker 1: your recommendation from last week. So what did you think
Speaker 1: of the show now you've watched it. There's so many
Speaker 1: aspects of it that I liked. I liked that there
Speaker 1: wasn't this forced dating that happened from it, so like
Speaker 1: unlike I don't know, we talked about this a little
Speaker 1: bit just between us, but sort of for the listeners.
Speaker 2: I like that in sort of like.
Speaker 1: Comparison to say, like The Bachelor or Married at First Sight,
Speaker 1: there's these forced connections that have to happen, Like you
Speaker 1: are encouraged to get into a relationship, and you only
Speaker 1: win by being in a relationship. I really really like
Speaker 1: this whole idea. It's too hot to handle that you
Speaker 1: can still win. You can still be a full participant
Speaker 1: in the experiment, and you can still grow within the
Speaker 1: experiment without being in a relationship, and that is a
Speaker 1: really interesting take on a dating show that's not happened before.
Speaker 1: I also liked that there was no specific villain, so
Speaker 1: I think sometimes in The Bachelor, and this is one
Speaker 1: thing that always comes up each season and is a
Speaker 1: real point of contention. But in this there doesn't need
Speaker 1: to be in There doesn't need to be a villain, like,
Speaker 1: there's no manufactured villain. It just follows the storyline of
Speaker 1: these people. It follows the storyline of their conversations, of
Speaker 1: their interactions, and it doesn't feel as though a plot
Speaker 1: has already been manufactured, whereas I do think that sometimes
Speaker 1: with The Bachelor, they already know what role they want eat.
Speaker 2: Character to play.
Speaker 1: And I didn't get that vibe from Too Hot to Handle,
Speaker 1: and I loved how fresh that felt for a reality
Speaker 1: TV show.
Speaker 2: I agree, but I think when you agree with it
Speaker 2: but known as a bottle, we'll shut up. I do
Speaker 2: think that Francesca was supposed to be their version of
Speaker 2: the villain. She wasn't a villain, and she wasn't the
Speaker 2: bully or anything, but if you had to pick someone,
Speaker 2: she was the one that was sort of a bit controversial,
Speaker 2: breaking the rules, doing the wrong thing, not caring about
Speaker 2: what anyone said. She was all about her, So I
Speaker 2: think she was supposed to be that person of the series.
Speaker 1: I still think that she was lovable in her own way,
Speaker 1: Like she definitely did some things that were villainous, but
Speaker 1: she made those decisions and she was very vocal about that.
Speaker 1: But I don't think that the edit really it didn't
Speaker 1: seem like they were chopping changing. They didn't sound like
Speaker 1: they were doing sound biting at all, where they were
Speaker 1: taking bits and pieces of a conversation to create or
Speaker 1: manufacture storyline. It really felt like it was naturally following
Speaker 1: what these people were experiencing, what was happening.
Speaker 2: I just I really surprisingly enjoyed it. I did it.
Speaker 1: Hated a good solid five hours per night to watching
Speaker 1: the whole thing, and I got it done in two days.
Speaker 1: So guys, if you haven't seen it yet, we don't
Speaker 1: really want to give away full spoilers. But this does
Speaker 1: lead us into our conversation for today's episode, which is
Speaker 1: going to be on gas lighting. Britt very much pointed
Speaker 1: out that she felt that Harry had gas lighted Francesca
Speaker 1: at one point, and we'll get into how we kind
Speaker 1: of saw that play out.
Speaker 2: Do you say gas lid or gas lighted? Oh? Then
Speaker 2: they gave me on the grammar. Now, no, that's a
Speaker 2: general I don't know because I don't know because usually
Speaker 2: you'd say, are you the gas lighter or the gas
Speaker 2: light tee? Yeah, I actually don't know that one. Let's
Speaker 2: just say differently, gas lid city. Do you want me
Speaker 2: to stop? Anyway, there was a segment where one of
Speaker 2: the guys and I was ega Harry, who you love
Speaker 2: at the end, And this is a thing. They all
Speaker 2: have great progression in their storylines and they come full circle,
Speaker 2: and there's moments where you hate them and you can't
Speaker 2: believe that they're doing this or saying this, and then
Speaker 2: they come full circle and you love them. But there
Speaker 2: was a moment at the beginning where I believe completely
Speaker 2: and I think I mean, I've seen a lot of
Speaker 2: articles on it too. The world thinks that he completely
Speaker 2: gas lit, gaslighted Francesca. He did the wrong thing, through
Speaker 2: her under the bus, embarrassed her in front of his friends,
Speaker 2: and then somehow made her come to him, apologizing and
Speaker 2: basically begging for him back, and he was saying, I
Speaker 2: don't think I can forgive you for this. And I
Speaker 2: was sitting there with my sister and I was like,
Speaker 2: how is this happening? How is this woman, who you
Speaker 2: can tell she's smart. How is this beautiful, intelligent woman
Speaker 2: begging for him back and apologizing after what he just
Speaker 2: did to her? And that's what got me thinking, how
Speaker 2: this must happen all the time I've been in this
Speaker 2: situation personally, I know you have. I think a lot
Speaker 2: of women have, and it's not overly spoken about. But
Speaker 2: before we get into the real meaty part of the episode, Britt,
Speaker 2: how was your week being I actually have a funny
Speaker 2: story to tell you. It wasn't me, but you just
Speaker 2: reminded me of it. So my sister Sherry's boyfriend Jay
Speaker 2: he's from Scotland, so any story is funny just because
Speaker 2: he says in a Scottish accent. He was just super
Speaker 2: casually telling us about something that happened to him. Him
Speaker 2: the other day he went to get a haircut at
Speaker 2: the barber, essential service, essential service, just a little trim
Speaker 2: and he had a runny nose. Now when he went
Speaker 2: into the barber and sat down, the barber put his
Speaker 2: cape around his neck, brushed his hair back, and with
Speaker 2: a bare hand went oh, I'll get that and wiped
Speaker 2: his nose, wiped the snot from his nose. No. No,
Speaker 2: And I said to jay what do you mean he
Speaker 2: wiped your nose. No. He's like, he just wiped my not.
Speaker 2: He just went up look at that. I'll get that
Speaker 2: with his bare hand. And I said to Jaye, what
Speaker 2: did you do? He's like, oh, I didn't know what
Speaker 2: to do. I just sat there did not And I
Speaker 2: was like, you're right, everything's funny with his scott His accent,
Speaker 2: But how I think that's gobsmacking, Like if somebody came
Speaker 2: up to me with their bare hand, I didn't know
Speaker 2: a stranger and wiped stop from my nose. I would
Speaker 2: be offended.
Speaker 1: That man is definitely a dad, and he has been
Speaker 1: and in so much time at home in isolation with
Speaker 1: his kids that it just it was like that muscle
Speaker 1: memory just he just accident and then he probably was
Speaker 1: doing it and halfway through he was like, what.
Speaker 2: The fuck am I doing?
Speaker 3: But you just have to commit committed, you just have
Speaker 3: to continue. And Jay was like, it was this awkward moment.
Speaker 3: Then he had to sit through the whole haircut and
Speaker 3: he's like, I was really scared. I was really scared
Speaker 3: that my nose was gonna run again because I didn't
Speaker 3: know what was gonna happen.
Speaker 2: I love the way I asked you, what's been happening
Speaker 2: in your week? That's the story that you share. I
Speaker 2: just picture it and if you think of that in
Speaker 2: a Scottish accent, it just made my week because I
Speaker 2: just didn't know there are people out there that were
Speaker 2: that dedicated in their job. So I take my hat
Speaker 2: up to that barber. He's a full service kind of guy.
Speaker 2: He's a mad Please what about you? I guess you
Speaker 2: didn't really have time in between hospital visits to do
Speaker 2: anything this week.
Speaker 1: No one wants to listen to me say this, but
Speaker 1: I have no recommendations because I've literally not done anything
Speaker 1: except care for a sick kid. But you know what,
Speaker 1: I do have recommendation actually, and this is for mums
Speaker 1: who are ever in a situation where they're not sure
Speaker 1: whether or not to take their kids hospital. The last
Speaker 1: couple of nights and we had to go in a
Speaker 1: few times in Marley, Matt and I had that moment
Speaker 1: where you're you're there with your sick kid and and
Speaker 1: you're like, I don't know what to do, Like we
Speaker 1: don't is she is she really sick?
Speaker 2: Is she not that sick?
Speaker 1: Like her temperature is really high? Do we take her
Speaker 1: to hospital? Don't we take it to hospital? I think
Speaker 1: if you, as a parent, ever in a situation where
Speaker 1: you're standing there with your child contemplating whether or not
Speaker 1: to take them to hospital, just take them to hospital.
Speaker 1: I felt a bit guilty because I was like, I
Speaker 1: don't know if this is an emergency or not, but
Speaker 1: I feel better being here. And the doctors were so
Speaker 1: amazing at the Children's Hospital in Randwick.
Speaker 2: They were like, if there is ever a situation.
Speaker 1: Where you don't know whether or not you should take
Speaker 1: your child to hospital, then just take them and that reassurance.
Speaker 2: I'm like, that's what mums need here. They don't, don't.
Speaker 1: That's not the time for like trying to problem solve.
Speaker 1: We're trying to figure out whether it's the right or
Speaker 1: wrong thing to do. Just don't take chances, take your kid.
Speaker 2: I mean, as a hospital worker, I have seen that
Speaker 2: happen so many times and I can't agree more. If
Speaker 2: you would debate anything about whether you're unwell enough or
Speaker 2: if you should go and see a doctor, absolutely go
Speaker 2: and see the doctor. That's what they're there for. They're
Speaker 2: there to care for you, and if you don't need
Speaker 2: to be there, they will let you know. But just
Speaker 2: imagine if you questioned it and stayed home and something happened,
Speaker 2: God forbid, you'd never forgive yourself. But that's what ever
Speaker 2: forgive yourself. That's what hospital workers are there for. There's
Speaker 2: my recommendation.
Speaker 1: Don't take your kids hosp unless you need to, But
Speaker 1: if you're not sure, take them there you go. I'm
Speaker 1: sure there's some better things you can watch on Netflix.
Speaker 2: All right, I'm going to jump into an accidentally unfiltered
Speaker 2: that somebody wrote in I love it.
Speaker 1: It's short and sharp and spicy. Guys, I love this
Speaker 1: section of the podcast. So for those of you who
Speaker 1: are knew, this is where you, guys share your most
Speaker 1: embarrassing stories with us and we share them with the
Speaker 1: rest of you.
Speaker 2: But you know what, most of you probably already know that,
Speaker 2: So hit it off, britt. But also, if you are new,
Speaker 2: where you been, where you've been, Okay, pull yourself a
Speaker 2: glass of wine. Get on board. So this girl had
Speaker 2: a one night stand. Basically she meets this guy, super
Speaker 2: smoking hot. She's like, stuff it, I'm just gonna I'm
Speaker 2: just gonna go. I need it. I'm gonna go all
Speaker 2: out take him home. She takes him home. They have
Speaker 2: a great night, like amazing sex all night. In the
Speaker 2: morning it's time for him to go. He says, well,
Speaker 2: you know, can I grab your number? Because they hadn't
Speaker 2: even swapped numbers yet, can I grab your number? And
Speaker 2: she's like absolutely, bit cute, bit nervy, puts a number
Speaker 2: in his phone and off he goes. Later that day,
Speaker 2: she gets a call from her dad, Honey, why am
Speaker 2: I getting messages from some guy about how great the
Speaker 2: sex was last night. What out of habit? She just
Speaker 2: typed in her dad's phone number. How do you do that, dude?
Speaker 2: I know my parents' phone number off off by heart.
Speaker 2: I can type it anywhere, so I don't know. He's like, babe,
Speaker 2: watch your number. She types it in, coach, She's a
Speaker 2: bit nervy. She obviously calls her dad a lot and
Speaker 2: types it in, types it in. He went home and
Speaker 2: said texting about how great the sex. Wel God only
Speaker 2: knows what else he said. And the dad's getting it,
Speaker 2: which is something my dad would do. My dad'd be like,
Speaker 2: you got.
Speaker 1: Some Oh wow, wow, I know that's a lot.
Speaker 2: I imagine.
Speaker 1: I don't know how I would feel if that happened
Speaker 1: to me and I was a dad and that was
Speaker 1: my daughter.
Speaker 2: My family. There's six of us and we are two girls,
Speaker 2: two boys, mom and dad. The six of us are
Speaker 2: so tight. There's literally nothing that you can't say or
Speaker 2: tell each other that you should see our dinner table conversation.
Speaker 2: It's ludicrous.
Speaker 1: I'm just imagining some guy that you had sex with
Speaker 1: the night before messaging your dad being like you were
Speaker 1: so tight, that was the best sex I've ever had,
Speaker 1: and your dad being like, oh, thanks for that, Philip,
Speaker 1: have a great night.
Speaker 2: Happy. Actual, my dad will come out some morning. He'll
Speaker 2: be like, I'm picturing him. This is how I picture it.
Speaker 2: He doesn't have a walking stick, but I would picture
Speaker 2: him like walking out nob. I'd picture him walking out whistling,
Speaker 2: like putting his cane around in a circle, you know
Speaker 2: that sort of a thing. He'd just come out really happy,
Speaker 2: and I'd be like, Dad, you got lucky last night?
Speaker 2: Did Yeah? And he just you know it. Oh, it's
Speaker 2: too much. It doesn't know. It doesn't bother me if
Speaker 2: I'm happy to know my parents are happy.
Speaker 1: I once walked in on my mom having sex and
Speaker 1: oh yeah that trust me.
Speaker 2: I didn't want to know that she was happy. It
Speaker 2: was I'm scarred. I still hate that memory. Okay, when
Speaker 2: I say my grandmum, if you listen to this, I sometimes, yeah,
Speaker 2: it's awful. When I say my family's open, we are
Speaker 2: not that open. That's something I have never seen and
Speaker 2: I will never unseen.
Speaker 1: Look, all great relationships have boundaries, and I think that's
Speaker 1: really important. I also have an accidentally unfiltered for us
Speaker 1: hit me. It is much more g rated, but I
Speaker 1: really enjoyed this one because after a week of some
Speaker 1: pretty intensive parenting, this one gave me a good chuckle.
Speaker 1: It's kind of long. My daughter is dramatic. She is
Speaker 1: the sort of person who would step on a piece
Speaker 1: of dirt on the floor and fall down, screaming me
Speaker 1: hurt foot. Or she'd hit her head on a pillow
Speaker 1: and make a huge deal out of it.
Speaker 2: She is too. I am her mum, so she believes
Speaker 2: everything that I say. I use this to my advantage,
Speaker 2: and I told her that kisses fix everything. Stub your toe,
Speaker 2: get a kiss, Smack yourself in the face with the room,
Speaker 2: get a kiss. Cut your finger with a fake knife,
Speaker 2: you also get a kiss. It was going great. She
Speaker 2: caught on quick and instead of screaming, always asked for
Speaker 2: a kiss because I hurt. How could this possibly go wrong? Well?
Speaker 1: I did not foresee the world falling apart and me
Speaker 1: needing to work from home with my six month old
Speaker 1: and my two year old for the last five weeks.
Speaker 1: My daughter was eating her breakfast while I was on
Speaker 1: a video call. She bit her tongue and she started crying.
Speaker 1: She then then she stopped and I saw the look
Speaker 1: on her face. So here, I sit on a very
Speaker 1: very important video conference call with my work and my
Speaker 1: two year old comes running in screaming, mummy, kiss tongue.
Speaker 1: I am trying to shift my six month old so
Speaker 1: I can turn the audio and video off, and I
Speaker 1: managed to mute it after she screams, of course, but
Speaker 1: didn't get the video shut off in time before my
Speaker 1: two year old daughter sticks her tongue out and shoves
Speaker 1: it in at me for a kiss as I'm opening
Speaker 1: my mouth to tell her no, and that's how her
Speaker 1: tongue went straight down My mouth falls on a cowork
Speaker 1: zoom call.
Speaker 2: I think that's so cute. Due not really what you
Speaker 2: want to do make out with your two year old
Speaker 2: and a zoo care. I meant I wouldn't want to
Speaker 2: make out with a not on a sad call.
Speaker 1: True.
Speaker 2: True, that one took me a while to get there.
Speaker 2: I mean, I'm gonna that that was a long one.
Speaker 2: It was a long one. It was a lot of
Speaker 2: it as cute. That was cute. I think we can
Speaker 2: tell the difference between Laura and I. Laura is the
Speaker 2: mom and I am there and everybody who's not a
Speaker 2: mom just listened to me. Waffle that one on and
Speaker 2: was like, shut up, that's disgusting. Keep your snorty two
Speaker 2: year old, bleeding tongue child away from me. And I'm like,
Speaker 2: guess that's how sickness is spreaded. Give her tongue a kiss.
Speaker 2: I think that's I think that is like a full
Speaker 2: play thing. In Japan, they like stuck each other's tongues
Speaker 2: and lick each other's eyeballs. That's just cold kissing. No, like,
Speaker 2: have you heard the eyeball looking No? Yeah, big Big
Speaker 2: four play in Japan. That is so weird.
Speaker 1: So my I'm not going to sort of fetish shame,
Speaker 1: but that is that is up there with the weird stuck.
Speaker 2: But this is actually really funny. We went around Australia,
Speaker 2: like my parents took us around Australia in a full
Speaker 2: drive when we were all little kids, and I'm talking.
Speaker 2: We just camped our way through the deserts and had
Speaker 2: fires for dinner and ate fire for dinner. There's tough
Speaker 2: times in the desert. We sat around a fire I
Speaker 2: can't find we would make damper and it was such
Speaker 2: an amazing Australian experience. But it can get pretty windy
Speaker 2: out there in the desert. And we were constantly getting
Speaker 2: sand in our eye. The best way when it's drought,
Speaker 2: there's not a lot of water and you're a small
Speaker 2: child with sand in You're right, Dad would lick the
Speaker 2: sand out of our eye because you put the tongue
Speaker 2: in the eye. If you're still with me, stay so weird,
Speaker 2: But it makes sense if you're out there, because when
Speaker 2: you think about it, it's a really weird thing. But
Speaker 2: if you actually deep dive, it makes sense. He would
Speaker 2: just like he could open our eye up and you'd
Speaker 2: be able to see the grain of sand. He'd just
Speaker 2: with his tongue like a lizard and it would get
Speaker 2: this and it would get the stand out because we
Speaker 2: were out in the middle of nowhere with limited water.
Speaker 1: We just went from talking about licking people's eyes as
Speaker 1: a fetish to you telling me about some camp childhood.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I just licking. But you know what I just
Speaker 2: thought I would share. That's nice. Sega hout of who
Speaker 2: I am thinks that there's been a lot of trauma here,
Speaker 2: all right, that's we just we went so rogue. Let's
Speaker 2: jump into the content and gas lighting, shall we. Oh, look,
Speaker 2: if we have to, I'm here for a girl it's
Speaker 2: seen a while. I haven't seen you in such a
Speaker 2: long time, I know. And when we haven't seen each other,
Speaker 2: we start to just talk. I don't want to say
Speaker 2: fool shit, but we just we do. Don't worry it's
Speaker 2: too much. I feel like sometimes Laura and I get
Speaker 2: together if we haven't seen each other for a while
Speaker 2: and we just word vomit for like two hours.
Speaker 1: Well, it's also like this is when we catch up.
Speaker 1: And then most girlfriends just catch up, have a glass
Speaker 1: of wine and we do it and then we record
Speaker 1: it for we nationally record it for the rest of
Speaker 1: Australia to listen to.
Speaker 2: But that actually, like that was your advice for mother's
Speaker 2: out there. This is my advice for mothers. If your
Speaker 2: child does have something in their eye, you can use
Speaker 2: your tongue. That's what. That's why I'll say. I'm not
Speaker 2: making a joke either. I've been a HUNDI serious. So
Speaker 2: let's get onto the topic. So, guys, we are going
Speaker 2: to be talking about gas lighting. Okay, So before we
Speaker 2: get into the topic for today, which kind of also
Speaker 2: led us into the topic, one brit had brought up
Speaker 2: gas lighting because of watching Too Hot to Handle on
Speaker 2: how it seemed to be this current theme that run
Speaker 2: through the series a little bit. But this is what
Speaker 2: happened to me this week. And you know what, some
Speaker 2: of you won't care, but I care, I really care,
Speaker 2: So I'm going to share it with you.
Speaker 1: Britt and I went for a walk whilst we were
Speaker 1: trying to think about what we were going to do
Speaker 1: for this episode, and we were, you know, throwing around ideas,
Speaker 1: and we were going for a walk down Bondaie And
Speaker 1: as we were walking along with the promenade, I look
Speaker 1: up and for anybody who has been listening to this
Speaker 1: podcast a while, you would know that I often talk
Speaker 1: about an ex who was the most toxic ex that
Speaker 1: I've ever dated, like the one who gas lit me,
Speaker 1: the one who is it gas lit to start gaslighting,
Speaker 1: the one who gasled me, the one who cheated on me,
Speaker 1: the one who made me feel so insanely crazy when
Speaker 1: I was in that relationship, so insane. And I look
Speaker 1: up and he's standing two meters away from my face,
Speaker 1: staring straight at me. It was a really, really awful
Speaker 1: situation where I was like, how is it possible that
Speaker 1: we have been in lockdown for five weeks? I've not
Speaker 1: even seen my dearest, closest friends and family, and I
Speaker 1: managed to run into the one person in the world
Speaker 1: who I'd rather punch myself in the face seven thousand
Speaker 1: times before seeing. And then to make it worse, I
Speaker 1: was like, Oh my god, Brit, that's that guy. That's
Speaker 1: that guy I always talk about on the podcast. And
Speaker 1: Britt goes, oh that guy right there, and then starts.
Speaker 2: Doing parkor.
Speaker 1: Like instead of being the good friend who is subtle
Speaker 1: and like slyly looks to the side and says, oh
Speaker 1: that guy. Okay, let's keep walking. Let's walk in this direction,
Speaker 1: and this supports me through the trauma that I'm experiencing.
Speaker 1: She starts pretending to do park hall and like, which
Speaker 1: is cool.
Speaker 2: I don't know what it's called.
Speaker 1: She starts pretending to like jump off things and do
Speaker 1: some assaults and shit down the promenade to get his
Speaker 1: attention because my co host is a Childhi.
Speaker 2: God, I was. I was already mid parkour. I was
Speaker 2: just pretending to do parkour. I was being silly parkles
Speaker 2: where you like jump and do flips off objects. I'd
Speaker 2: had a lot of energy anyway. I was doing his parkour,
Speaker 2: and then you I looked at you, and I was like,
Speaker 2: you've seen a ghost what I've just missed something in
Speaker 2: the last twenty second. I was like, I want to
Speaker 2: unsubscribe from life right now. Someone please eject me. And
Speaker 2: she's like that's the guy. That's the guy. That's the guy,
Speaker 2: and I you know, you try to be subtle, but
Speaker 2: I was like, well wait, wait back because I didn't
Speaker 2: want to miss him.
Speaker 1: Not only did she not try to be subtle, she
Speaker 1: did a full three sixty degree turn to see him,
Speaker 1: like to look at.
Speaker 2: Him, and I am I am not over this. It
Speaker 2: didn't make sense to me. I saw him and I
Speaker 2: was like that one and You're like yes, and I
Speaker 2: was like, real, it was the last person I picked
Speaker 2: it for you. I will say that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, So you must be good. You must be good guys.
Speaker 1: So basically where this long story is going. Britta and
Speaker 1: I have in the past talked a lot about relationships
Speaker 1: that we've been in where we have experienced gas lighting
Speaker 1: or you know, emotional manipulation, cheating, and I think that
Speaker 1: these things can all kind of tie into each other.
Speaker 1: So that was why we wanted to talk. We were like, ah,
Speaker 1: here it is the topic for today's episode, given to
Speaker 1: us on a silver platter in the form of my
Speaker 1: ex boyfriend. That is one of the reasons why we're
Speaker 1: talking about gas lighting today, but also because it is
Speaker 1: something that happens in a lot of relationships, some relationships
Speaker 1: that are healthy and some relationships that you know clearly
Speaker 1: you need to get the hell out of. But it
Speaker 1: is a very very common behavior that we have a
Speaker 1: name for, and that is what we're talking about. In
Speaker 1: case you don't know what gas lighting is, it is
Speaker 1: just like a tactic or a behavior in where a
Speaker 1: person or it could even be your partner, your boss,
Speaker 1: but basically, in order to gain more power, they make
Speaker 1: their victim i EU question your reality, so they make
Speaker 1: you feel like you're crazy. You question yourself and your motives,
Speaker 1: You question the situation, you question the event that happened.
Speaker 2: The way it unfolded. It's a manipulation and it eventually
Speaker 2: will weigh you down. So it's definitely a tactic that
Speaker 2: people use both consciously and subconsciously to gain control.
Speaker 1: And it's like it's a form of emotional abuse. It
Speaker 1: really is, and it can be something that is very
Speaker 1: very malicious and very intent driven. For example, I think
Speaker 1: a good example of This is like, maybe you've been
Speaker 1: in a relationship with someone where you know black and
Speaker 1: white that they have cheated on you. You have evidence,
Speaker 1: and you confront them and they deny it, deny, deny, deny.
Speaker 1: That is gas lighting. And that's a very very intent
Speaker 1: driven example of gas lighting. Another one which is probably
Speaker 1: not so malicious, which you know it's not because the
Speaker 1: person is necessarily a bad person, but maybe it's because
Speaker 1: their communication skills aren't very good. Could be for exams.
Speaker 1: Just say you are in a relationship, you feel like
Speaker 1: your partner is not pulling the weight of the housework.
Speaker 1: And you say to them like, I'm feeling really upset.
Speaker 1: I don't feel like you pull the weight of the housework.
Speaker 1: This you know, you've done this, this, and this which
Speaker 1: have upset me. And they say, well, you're wrong, because
Speaker 1: I do. And the conversation just ends there. And so
Speaker 1: instead of them validating how you feel or validating the situation,
Speaker 1: they are shutting down what your reality is. And they're
Speaker 1: telling you and denying you what is facts to you
Speaker 1: and the way you feel, and that lack of validation
Speaker 1: and that lack of acknowledging your reality is basically that's it.
Speaker 1: Like that's the definition of what gas lighting is.
Speaker 2: The reason I feel that this was really important to
Speaker 2: talk about is that I did go through it myself
Speaker 2: in my toxic relationship that I've spoken about here before
Speaker 2: on episode three.
Speaker 1: This is like, we recommend this episode all the time.
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna jump in a brit because it's a
Speaker 1: freaking doozy. But it was in a really, really toxic
Speaker 1: relationship where she legitimately dated a psychopath. And we don't
Speaker 1: throw those terms around, like we really really think that
Speaker 1: you can't just cause someone a psycho.
Speaker 2: Just for the sake of it.
Speaker 1: But his behavior, which if you listen to episode three,
Speaker 1: would very much indicate that that's the personality type that
Speaker 1: he is. So yeah, So if you haven't listened to episode,
Speaker 1: go back and listen to it. So I was in
Speaker 1: this relationship for a few years with this guy that
Speaker 1: was living a double life, and it was only now
Speaker 1: I didn't know what that abuse was at the time.
Speaker 1: I didn't recognize it because nobody spoke about it.
Speaker 2: When I finally fast forward a few years and it's
Speaker 2: only recently that I have heard about gaslighting, and we'll
Speaker 2: talk about it about its origin soon. But it's only
Speaker 2: once people started to talk about it more. I put
Speaker 2: the name to my situation and I thought, oh my god,
Speaker 2: this is what he did. Every time I read something
Speaker 2: about it or I heard about it, I was like,
Speaker 2: that's me, that's me, this is what he did to me.
Speaker 2: And it's so important to talk about. Because it wasn't
Speaker 2: spoken about a I couldn't recognize it, I couldn't highlight it,
Speaker 2: meaning I couldn't do anything about it because I didn't
Speaker 2: know it was happening and I was stuck in this relationship.
Speaker 2: So to give you an example, Laura, I don't even
Speaker 2: know if I've spoken to you, but I just think
Speaker 2: it's so important. There was this There were situations that
Speaker 2: he would do to me, like, for example, it would
Speaker 2: it would be about anything. He would just cancel something
Speaker 2: because his other partner had turned up, but he would
Speaker 2: make me say. He would say things like you didn't
Speaker 2: book the accommodation. We've had to cancel it, things like that,
Speaker 2: like he'd blame me. But there was one time that
Speaker 2: has it's really really stuck with me all these years,
Speaker 2: and basically I stumbled across his phone one day. He
Speaker 2: was showing me something in his phone. He was very
Speaker 2: protective of it, and I was swiping through what he
Speaker 2: was showing me, and I saw a photo of me
Speaker 2: naked and a video and I had never seen this before.
Speaker 2: I didn't know what it was. And I sort of
Speaker 2: was like, well, what is that? And he snashed the
Speaker 2: phone away and he was like what what? Nothing like?
Speaker 2: And I was like, no, I know what I saw.
Speaker 2: And this was a few years deep, so I was
Speaker 2: a bit more. I was very submissive, and I'm embarrassed
Speaker 2: to say that now because of the person I am now,
Speaker 2: but I said, no, I know what I just saw.
Speaker 2: What the hell was that? Basically he had filmed us
Speaker 2: and taken a photo in the bedroom. I had never
Speaker 2: seen it, knew nothing about it, and he then proceeded
Speaker 2: to convince me that I was all for it. I
Speaker 2: knew about it. He was like, baby, you remember we
Speaker 2: spoke about that, We said we're going to do it.
Speaker 2: You'd had a few drinks, and by the end of
Speaker 2: that conversation I was like, oh, yeah, I guess I
Speaker 2: probably did and I just forgot about it when there
Speaker 2: is no way that I did. And he was just
Speaker 2: so good at the manipulation. And I walked away from
Speaker 2: that being like, oh yeah, I totally did that, Like
Speaker 2: we definitely had that conversation, which we did not, And
Speaker 2: that is just a prime, prime example of gas lighting.
Speaker 1: That is one of the worst versions. There are so
Speaker 1: many variants of this, and that's something that we're going
Speaker 1: to talk about. And like with everything that we do
Speaker 1: discuss on this podcast, that there is a spectrum which
Speaker 1: we recognize that sort of behavior is at the very
Speaker 1: end of what is completely unacceptable. That guy is an
Speaker 1: absolute fluck boy and you need to get them out
Speaker 1: of your life end of the spects. And then there's
Speaker 1: also the end of the spectrum where, like we said,
Speaker 1: something that might happen in your relationship and you need
Speaker 1: to sort of better your communication skills and outline to
Speaker 1: your partner that they're doing it. But the first thing,
Speaker 1: exactly as you just said, Britt, is recognizing one what
Speaker 1: it is, to what that behavior is, and really understanding
Speaker 1: that your reality doesn't need to be validated by anybody else.
Speaker 1: So if you feel something, you know that it's happened,
Speaker 1: you know that you feel a certain way about it,
Speaker 1: don't allow somebody to try and convince you to get
Speaker 1: you angry, to get you flustered to try and convince
Speaker 1: you that that there's anything else in that. You know,
Speaker 1: like someone should validate the way that you feel, especially
Speaker 1: if they love you and respect you. And I think
Speaker 1: that that's like my biggest point I want to drive
Speaker 1: home before we even really get into the topic, is like,
Speaker 1: you don't need somebody else to validate your reality. If
Speaker 1: that's how you feel, then it is real to you
Speaker 1: and it deserves validation. And if your partner loves you
Speaker 1: and respects you, they will validate it, even if they
Speaker 1: don't agree with you necessarily.
Speaker 2: Anyway, Yeah, into.
Speaker 1: And now I will breathe into like where this whole
Speaker 1: the name of it started, because like, so, gaslighting is
Speaker 1: a concept has been around for so long since this.
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm sure the behavior's been around for forever,
Speaker 1: but the concept and the name of it was coined
Speaker 1: in the nineteen thirties. There was a play that was
Speaker 1: written in nineteen thirty eight. It's a mystery thriller written
Speaker 1: by British playwright Patrick Hamilton and at this called gas Light.
Speaker 1: It was made into a movie in nineteen forty four,
Speaker 1: and the whole premise of this play slash movie is
Speaker 1: that the husband so the husband and wife, and the
Speaker 1: husband is manipulating the wife into feeling like she's crazy,
Speaker 1: and so he would set things up and do things
Speaker 1: to really make her question her reality, to the point
Speaker 1: where he had set up the gas lights in the
Speaker 1: attic to make them flicker, and she had said to
Speaker 1: him this one day, Oh, we really need to fix
Speaker 1: the gas lights in the attic because they keep flickering,
Speaker 1: and he's like, what are you talking about. You're crazy,
Speaker 1: but there's nothing wrong with gaslights, they're not on. And
Speaker 1: so he did this with such consistency and with such
Speaker 1: malicious intent that by the time that got to the
Speaker 1: end of the movie, she actually thought she was insane.
Speaker 1: And I think that, like, that's obviously a really extreme
Speaker 1: version of it, but this sort of behavior consistently over
Speaker 1: a period of time leaves you feeling so incredibly fucking
Speaker 1: insane in your relationship. I think it's important to, like one,
Speaker 1: recognize that if you're in a relationship where you feel
Speaker 1: crazy and you feel very different to how you have
Speaker 1: in your other relationships, where you feel super insecure, you
Speaker 1: feel overly sensitive, your partner's telling you that you're behaving crazy,
Speaker 1: then there is a really good chance that you're actually
Speaker 1: being gas lighted in that you want to.
Speaker 2: Know something really interesting, tell me. So it's funny because
Speaker 2: the term obviously originated in the thirties after that movie,
Speaker 2: but it didn't become popular until Donald Trump was elected,
Speaker 2: and it has been used so much since his inauguration
Speaker 2: that in twenty eighteen, the Oxford Dictionary named it the
Speaker 2: most popular term.
Speaker 1: I kind of believe that because Donald Trump just gas
Speaker 1: lights everyone. I think I read the same thing that
Speaker 1: you're quoting now. But it's been used in relation to
Speaker 1: a lot of politicians. So it's not just a term
Speaker 1: that has to be relative to relationships. It's a term
Speaker 1: that can be used in the workplace. Like Britt said,
Speaker 1: it's a term that can be used it's when anybody
Speaker 1: tries to sort of fundamentally shift what your reality is
Speaker 1: based on lies. So it can be used from politicians.
Speaker 1: I'm sure that they're using it all the time.
Speaker 2: Oh my god. Absolutely. Okay, So I've shared my example obviously,
Speaker 2: my example of me being gas lit gaslighted? What gas lits?
Speaker 2: You've spoken about your toxic X. Do you have an
Speaker 2: example of something that happened in that relationship, So maybe
Speaker 2: people can try to relate to. It could be a
Speaker 2: little thing, it could be something huge. Let me get
Speaker 2: the list out. Yes.
Speaker 1: So one of the big things that happened really early
Speaker 1: on in our relationship was we were out this one
Speaker 1: night at a nightclub and like.
Speaker 2: We've been drinking.
Speaker 1: We've been going through a bit of a bad patch
Speaker 1: as well, which I don't understand why we were going
Speaker 1: through a bad patch, like nothing had happened, but he
Speaker 1: was behaving really really distant to me, and I didn't
Speaker 1: know what I had done wrong, and I was already
Speaker 1: feeling like, Okay, well, what have I done in this
Speaker 1: situation to put a wedge between us? And we were
Speaker 1: out and he wasn't really talking to me very much
Speaker 1: and he was quite angry with me, and then he
Speaker 1: was on his phone. He's like texting, and he was
Speaker 1: just constantly on his phone whilst we're on a night
Speaker 1: out together. And I went up to him and I said,
Speaker 1: I feel like you're texting another girl, and if you
Speaker 1: are doing that, you need to shut that shit down
Speaker 1: right now. And he was like, you're insane, You're a psycho,
Speaker 1: Like you're a fucking psycho. In that situation where where
Speaker 1: I really really wanted to believe him. I was so
Speaker 1: in love with him, like I really really really wanted
Speaker 1: to be wrong, and I wanted cold heart evidence. I
Speaker 1: wasn't going off my instinct, I wasn't going off my gut,
Speaker 1: like I wanted cold heart evidence if he was actually
Speaker 1: cheating on me. And so I got home and I
Speaker 1: said to him again, I was like, I feel like
Speaker 1: you've been texting a girl tonight. I don't know why,
Speaker 1: but my intuition is raging, and I really really think
Speaker 1: that you've been doing the wrong thing.
Speaker 2: And he continued with.
Speaker 1: The whole you're crazy narrative, and then he fell asleep,
Speaker 1: and I picked up his phone. I went through his phone,
Speaker 1: and he had only just recently moved, so like literally
Speaker 1: two weeks prior, we had moved across the road from
Speaker 1: his original apartment, and this girl was messaging him saying,
Speaker 1: I'm downstairs, let me in. So she was downstairs at
Speaker 1: his old apartment. It was a girl he used to
Speaker 1: hook up with, and she was buzzing the buzzer of
Speaker 1: the apartment downstairs to get in for a booty call,
Speaker 1: to get in for a booty call, because he had
Speaker 1: been texting her the whole time anyway. So it was
Speaker 1: like it was insane, It was such it was so
Speaker 1: insane this situation played out. And then what's even more
Speaker 1: insane is that that was at a point in my
Speaker 1: life where I didn't have the confidence that I have now,
Speaker 1: Like my standards were already so so low, and like
Speaker 1: I didn't have the respect for myself. I didn't think
Speaker 1: I deserved what I deserve, and I really put up
Speaker 1: with behavior that's completely beneath me, and I forgave him,
Speaker 1: and I stayed in that relationship for two years. And
Speaker 1: what I like, the point of this that I really
Speaker 1: want to drive home is that if you see this
Speaker 1: behavior early on in your relationship, these are big fucking
Speaker 1: red flags, and it doesn't get better. And someone gas
Speaker 1: lights you early on or behaves in a way that's
Speaker 1: like rocks your foundation, you need to leave before it
Speaker 1: becomes too late and before you're too emotionally invested. But
Speaker 1: there is fundamentally something wrong with somebody who lies to
Speaker 1: your face black and blue because it suits their agenda absolutely.
Speaker 2: And as I said, it sounds like you and I
Speaker 2: were in the same position in terms of the way
Speaker 2: we felt about ourselves, and we didn't think we deserve better,
Speaker 2: and I think there are a lot of people out
Speaker 2: there that will really relate to that. But I do
Speaker 2: really really want to drive home that I think the
Speaker 2: biggest thing is just education and people talking about it.
Speaker 2: I didn't know what it was, You didn't know what
Speaker 2: it was. We couldn't recognize the behavior. So that's why
Speaker 2: I want to drive home. We have so many young
Speaker 2: female listeners, and I want to do everything I can
Speaker 2: to keep you guys out of this toxic situation.
Speaker 1: And also, I guess if you find yourself in a
Speaker 1: toxic situation or you find yourself questioning, like if you're
Speaker 1: having a fight with your boyfriend and it's the same
Speaker 1: narrative that's happening over and over and over, and they're
Speaker 1: telling you that you're crazy, or they're telling you that
Speaker 1: you're making it up, talk to your friends, talk to
Speaker 1: your sister, talk to your mom, talk to the people
Speaker 1: who are close to you, and explain the situation. Because
Speaker 1: if your friends and family can say to you you're
Speaker 1: not crazy, that behavior is really really screwed up, then
Speaker 1: that gives you ammunition to go back and say, actually,
Speaker 1: do you know what, like this, whatever you're saying is
Speaker 1: real I know it's not real, like I know the truth,
Speaker 1: but you need to realize that the only person who
Speaker 1: you can control in some situations is yourself, Especially if
Speaker 1: you're in a real toxic relationship with someone who does
Speaker 1: have sort of narcissistic personality disorder. You're never going to
Speaker 1: be able to convince them or make them necessarily believe
Speaker 1: your version or get them to agree with you. You
Speaker 1: just have to make choices that are completely for yourself,
Speaker 1: which is probably leaving the relationship.
Speaker 2: I looked up a psychologist that actually sort of specializes
Speaker 2: in this behavior, and she deals with a lot of
Speaker 2: people that have been through this situation. She has highlighted
Speaker 2: some things, some sentences to sort of ask yourself to
Speaker 2: see if you say yes to any of them, that
Speaker 2: maybe you need to dive a little bit deeper and
Speaker 2: see if you're in this relationship. So we're going to
Speaker 2: read a few of these out and just think to yourself,
Speaker 2: has this happened to me? Does this happen to me? Yes?
Speaker 2: I can agree, okay.
Speaker 1: So, and like if you're in a toxic relationship, you
Speaker 1: already know that something is wrong, Like you already had
Speaker 1: that feeling where you're so unsettled, and like just the
Speaker 1: essence of your body is like something is really wrong here.
Speaker 1: And you always feel like you're fighting for the relationship
Speaker 1: where you always feel like you're a little bit crazy,
Speaker 1: but sometimes you need to have that validity really driven
Speaker 1: home that you need.
Speaker 2: To get out. Okay, So she says to ask yourself
Speaker 2: if you say yes to any of these, ask yourself,
Speaker 2: am I too sensitive? Do you ask yourself this multiple
Speaker 2: times a day? Do you often feel confused and even
Speaker 2: crazy in the relationship? Do you find yourself constantly apologizing
Speaker 2: you can't understand why you aren't happy? Why aren't I
Speaker 2: happy in this relationship? What am I doing wrong? Do
Speaker 2: you frequently make it excuses for your partner's behavior. Do
Speaker 2: you know that something is wrong but you just can't
Speaker 2: put your finger on it. You know in your gut,
Speaker 2: but you're just like, what is that? I don't know?
Speaker 2: That was me for sure? And Laura, you just put
Speaker 2: your hand up like you're in clave. Do you start
Speaker 2: lying to avoid people questioning his behavior or your partner's behavior?
Speaker 2: And this could be not just we are saying it
Speaker 2: as a male because majority of gas lighting situations are
Speaker 2: male dominated, but women gaslight too, but for today we
Speaker 2: are just saying we're using the pronoun and he do
Speaker 2: you find yourself? And this is a big one, and
Speaker 2: I did this? Do you find yourself lying to your
Speaker 2: friends and family about his behavior because you know the
Speaker 2: behavior is not right, so you lie about it. I
Speaker 2: was doing that to my sister all the time in
Speaker 2: my relationship. She would call him out on it and
Speaker 2: question me, like, why you letting him do that? Why
Speaker 2: is he doing this to you? Why is he saying
Speaker 2: this to you? And I would lie. I'd make up
Speaker 2: a whole story to make him not look like an
Speaker 2: idiot or a liar to my family, because otherwise you'd
Speaker 2: have to then justify why you were putting up with
Speaker 2: being treated so badly. But it's because you really really
Speaker 2: want the relationship, Oh absolutely. And the last few were
Speaker 2: do you have trouble making decisions on your own? Because
Speaker 2: a really slow burn in a toxic gas lighting relationship
Speaker 2: is it's control, So you start to lose the ability
Speaker 2: to want or to be able to make decisions because
Speaker 2: usually you have to run it by your partner. So
Speaker 2: that's a question to ask yourself, Have I has it changed?
Speaker 2: And I can't make decisions? Now, and do you wonder
Speaker 2: if you were good enough? That is the big one
Speaker 2: that they say, do you ever ask yourself if you're
Speaker 2: good enough for him? And you're questioning that, that's because
Speaker 2: they are making you feel like you're not. You just don't.
Speaker 2: That doesn't happen on its own. But then that.
Speaker 1: Also feeds into this feeling of like why when someone
Speaker 1: treats you so badly you will still fight so hard
Speaker 1: to keep the relationship and.
Speaker 2: It's kind of like this crazy thing.
Speaker 1: Then when you're out of it, you're like, how did
Speaker 1: I ever put up with that behavior? How did I
Speaker 1: ever think I was never going to meet someone better
Speaker 1: than that? When you're in it and you're entrenched in
Speaker 1: something that with someone who treats you so badly, it's
Speaker 1: so all encompassing. If you're in it, like right now
Speaker 1: you I'm talking to you. If you're in it, what
Speaker 1: you need to ask yourself is what is there about
Speaker 1: this relationship that's so good that is worth putting up
Speaker 1: with feeling this crazy all the time for? And honestly,
Speaker 1: the answer should be nothing, like there is nothing in
Speaker 1: this world or there's no person, there is no man,
Speaker 1: there is no woman, there is literally nobody that is
Speaker 1: so important that they can rock your fundamental identity of yourself,
Speaker 1: that they can make you feel crazy, that they can
Speaker 1: make you lower your standards, that nobody is worth that
Speaker 1: at all. Ever, I think that the other thing that's
Speaker 1: really important to touch on in this is that we
Speaker 1: said it a little bit briefly at the start, but
Speaker 1: I really want to sit in it and make sure
Speaker 1: that we've covered it as well. Is that just because
Speaker 1: you're in a relationship where someone does gaslight as like
Speaker 1: their coping mechanism for an argument, doesn't mean that you're
Speaker 1: necessarily in a bad relationship. There is a very mild
Speaker 1: version of this as well, which comes from people who
Speaker 1: are poor communicators. They don't really deal with criticism or
Speaker 1: feedback very well, and it comes from an insecurity. It
Speaker 1: comes with like lack of self confidence. So I do
Speaker 1: think that there are some people who when you point
Speaker 1: out to them, hey, you've hurt my feelings I feel
Speaker 1: like this, their initial reaction is to get defensive or
Speaker 1: to say no, I didn't, I didn't do that. You know,
Speaker 1: I'm not the person you're saying that I am. And
Speaker 1: it's not because they're a bad person. It's not because
Speaker 1: it's a relationship that you should leave.
Speaker 2: It's just that.
Speaker 1: They aren't very great at communicating when they feel attacked,
Speaker 1: and that's something that you absolutely can work on. That
Speaker 1: relationship is so salvageable, and that's probably a pretty normal
Speaker 1: part of like dealing with conflict in a relationship because
Speaker 1: a lot of people don't deal with criticism very well.
Speaker 1: I mean, I know I don't deal with criticism very well,
Speaker 1: and I know that I can be defensive sometimes when
Speaker 1: Matt tells me that I'm being a ship partner. The
Speaker 1: difference is is that, like, I want to be better,
Speaker 1: and I'm not intentionally manipulating him to get the outcome.
Speaker 1: I'm not inten intentionally trying to lie. Where this behavior
Speaker 1: becomes so toxic and so destructive is when someone knows
Speaker 1: they've done the wrong thing and they're intent on lying
Speaker 1: about it and they're intent on like pulling the wool
Speaker 1: over your eyes.
Speaker 2: I want to jump in on what you just said
Speaker 2: and really reiterate that gas lighting is not the same
Speaker 2: as sensitivity. So what you just said, some people can
Speaker 2: be really sensitive in a relationship and that's just who
Speaker 2: they are as a person, and they might take things
Speaker 2: a bit harsher might be constructive criticism, but they get defensive.
Speaker 2: It's really important to differentiate if you are just being
Speaker 2: overly sensitive and the person is trying to give you
Speaker 2: constructive criticism or if they're actually trying to alter your perception,
Speaker 2: because there's a big difference with sensitivity and gas lighting.
Speaker 1: If you're in a relationship with someone who says things
Speaker 1: to you like you're so sensitive, or you're being paranoid,
Speaker 1: or you're acting crazy, or like you're making that up
Speaker 1: or oh, I was just joking, babe, Like all of
Speaker 1: these things are a way of kind of downplay and
Speaker 1: not validate the way that you're feeling. And I think
Speaker 1: that that is like a very clear indication that when
Speaker 1: you are bringing an argument, not not even an argument,
Speaker 1: when you're bringing conflict to the table, or when you're
Speaker 1: trying to express that there's something wrong or something that's
Speaker 1: upsetting you, then instead of taking responsibility and taking ownership,
Speaker 1: your partner instead is trying to flip the narrative and
Speaker 1: make you the bad person. And that undermines everything that
Speaker 1: you're feeling, It undermines everything that's happened, and that there's
Speaker 1: no there's nowhere to go.
Speaker 2: If if you're telling your partner that you know you're
Speaker 2: upset by a situation and they won't even validate that
Speaker 2: that situation is real, then the only the only option
Speaker 2: you have is to back down from it, and it
Speaker 2: means that they get to win win, like who wins
Speaker 2: in an argument. If both people in a relationship are
Speaker 2: like well rounded and really reasonable people, then it doesn't
Speaker 2: matter who comes with a you know, a disagreement or
Speaker 2: feeling upset. Like a normal response to conflict is I'm
Speaker 2: sorry that I've made you feel like that, and what
Speaker 2: can I do to make it better? Like that is
Speaker 2: the that is the most normal reaction. But if you're
Speaker 2: not getting that from your partner, if you are afraid
Speaker 2: to talk to them about things that are making you
Speaker 2: upset because you're so scared that they're gonna dump you,
Speaker 2: or they're gonna start a fight, or you're gonna end
Speaker 2: up blowing up about it, then you really need to
Speaker 2: assess like that there's something fundamentally wrong there. And I
Speaker 2: think depending on where you're at in your relationship, it's
Speaker 2: much harder.
Speaker 1: Obviously if you're married and you've got kids and you're
Speaker 1: having these blow ups, then I think that you need
Speaker 1: to go and speak to a counselor, or speak to
Speaker 1: a third party, or speak to somebody else about it.
Speaker 1: But if you're in the early early stages of a relationship,
Speaker 1: this is such a huge red flag that this is
Speaker 1: not the right relationship for you, and then cut your
Speaker 1: losses and leave because you need to be validated. Conflict
Speaker 1: resolution is one of the most important aspects of a
Speaker 1: thriving and sustainable relationship, and if you don't have that
Speaker 1: early on, I don't think that that's something that you
Speaker 1: can really work towards.
Speaker 2: I do just want to make a note that I
Speaker 2: did get a lot of this information from a woman
Speaker 2: called Robin Stern. She is a licensed psychoanalyst, that is,
Speaker 2: she's an associate director at like the Yale Center for
Speaker 2: Emotional Intelligence. Knows her stuff. This girl knows her shit.
Speaker 2: She knows her shit. But I just found it really interesting.
Speaker 2: She just says, quote. It's worth noting that in my practice,
Speaker 2: the gas lighter is typically a man and the gaslight
Speaker 2: tee is typically a woman. In my clinical experience, many
Speaker 2: women are socialized to doubt themselves and continually apologize for
Speaker 2: disagreeing or upsetting their partners, but men are not. I
Speaker 2: find that really interesting that women, we are almost made
Speaker 2: now to be pleased, and we apologize constantly because we
Speaker 2: want to fix the situation. So it doesn't matter what
Speaker 2: the man is delivering to us or what the situation is.
Speaker 2: We usually just want to get it done and be like, fine,
Speaker 2: I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: So let's bring this back to a very very very
Speaker 1: pivotal thing that we have both watched this week, which
Speaker 1: is too hot to handle, and that was what got
Speaker 1: us onto this topic in the first place. So guys,
Speaker 1: if you haven't seen the series yet, then maybe skip
Speaker 1: ahead a little bit because I don't want to give
Speaker 1: we any spoilers. But there is this section in the
Speaker 1: series where Harry and Francesca have made out, so they
Speaker 1: broke the rules, right, and then Harry goes back and
Speaker 1: he tells the guys, oh, Francesca made out with me.
Speaker 1: He throws her under the bus because she didn't he
Speaker 1: completely completely was the one who, like he fully threw
Speaker 1: himself on her. If anything, it was a bit predatory,
Speaker 1: but whatever, so he is the one who did it,
Speaker 1: and then he throws her under the bus. He doesn't
Speaker 1: take any responsibility for it, like when She's sitting there
Speaker 1: being like, why are you saying this? Like I I whatever,
Speaker 1: I didn't do that. It's obviously over. The relationship's done.
Speaker 1: She then starts dating somebody else, and he's like a
Speaker 1: wounded puppy because he hates seeing her dating somebody else.
Speaker 1: But she's done nothing wrong. Then she still has feelings
Speaker 1: for him. She wants to be with him. She kind
Speaker 1: of like regrets that she's gone and dated this other person.
Speaker 1: So she goes back to Harry and she starts having
Speaker 1: conversation with him about how she still has feelings for him,
Speaker 1: and instead of having like a mature and open conversation
Speaker 1: about this, Harry's response is, well, you know, I don't
Speaker 1: know if I can forgive you for what you've done.
Speaker 1: And she hadn't done anything wrong, but he had managed
Speaker 1: to flip the conversation and make her apologize for behavior
Speaker 1: that was actually his shitty behavior in the first place.
Speaker 2: Yeah, she was apologizing and begging for him back, and
Speaker 2: I found myself asking Sherry. I was like, did I
Speaker 2: miss something? What's she apologizing for? I couldn't work it
Speaker 2: out how how he got there and how she got there,
Speaker 2: But it was happening and it was such blatant gas lighting, like.
Speaker 1: He was amazing at emotionally manipulating her at this point.
Speaker 1: But I think it's really important to acknowledge he is
Speaker 1: very young. He is twenty three years old, and that
Speaker 1: behavior is indicative of somebody who's young and who doesn't
Speaker 1: necessarily have like the full spectrum or experience in how
Speaker 1: to deal with conflict and how to treat someone who
Speaker 1: you know, he wanted to uphold bro code and like
Speaker 1: keep everyone happy. Like I don't think he dealt with
Speaker 1: it in the best way. But I do think that
Speaker 1: age plays a massive part in it. And I think
Speaker 1: that people who were in their early twenties are afforded
Speaker 1: a bit of time to be jerks. But when you're
Speaker 1: in your thirties, that's who you are. Like if you're
Speaker 1: thirty three and you're doing shit like that, that's the
Speaker 1: man that you are. And I really think it's important
Speaker 1: that if you're in that point in your life and
Speaker 1: you're dating someone who is meant to be a man
Speaker 1: and they're still displaying this sort of behavior, then it's
Speaker 1: never gonna change, Like it's the person that they are.
Speaker 2: I do absolutely agree with what you said. Whilst it
Speaker 2: was a blatant example on Harry's behalf of gas lighting.
Speaker 2: I don't think there was anything malicious in there. I
Speaker 2: don't think it was intentional. I don't even know if
Speaker 2: he knew he was doing it. I think he would
Speaker 2: probably watch it. I imagine he would watch it back and
Speaker 2: be like, wow, I didn't I can see what that
Speaker 2: looks like now, as you know, as an outsider.
Speaker 1: Maybe it's kind of interesting that these people like even
Speaker 1: for us, like when you do reality TV, you kind
Speaker 1: of watch yourself back and you're like, oh yeah, I
Speaker 1: like that about myself, and I don't like that about myself.
Speaker 1: It's almost a self development in and of itself the experiment,
Speaker 1: because you see behaviors back that you can reflect on,
Speaker 1: which nobody ever really gets to watch, Like you never
Speaker 1: get to watch your life back in that sort of way.
Speaker 2: Oh. I found it really fascinating watching myself back, and
Speaker 2: there was nothing that I did where I was like,
Speaker 2: oh my god, I'm horrible. I would have changed that,
Speaker 2: but it definitely I can't imagine these people watching themselves
Speaker 2: and not learning or taking something from it. For sure.
Speaker 2: If you guys haven't seen too Hot to Handle yet,
Speaker 2: please go and see it, and I think we should
Speaker 2: talk about it on the Facebook page. Maybe. Okay, So
Speaker 2: I think if you're in a situation where you know
Speaker 2: that you'll be in gas lit city, then what do
Speaker 2: you do in this situation? Right, Like, what's your next
Speaker 2: step apart from like getting the fuck out of there?
Speaker 2: Which sometimes that's not always they're not that's not always
Speaker 2: the solution. Like, sometimes you can't just lead the relationship. Well,
Speaker 2: maybe you're not ready to, or maybe you don't want
Speaker 2: to and you actually want to work on it. What
Speaker 2: do you do to show your partner and explain to
Speaker 2: your partner like, this is behavior that's not acceptable and
Speaker 2: I'm not going to stand for this. It can be
Speaker 2: excruciatingly difficult to put yourself out of this sort of
Speaker 2: a toxic relationship and this sort of a power dynamic.
Speaker 2: But there are some steps that you can do. There
Speaker 2: are some things that you can do within yourself with
Speaker 2: other people in your life, so let's just nut out
Speaker 2: some of them. Obviously. Step one is identify the problem.
Speaker 2: Hopefully by now you have identified that from some of
Speaker 2: the things we've said before, the questions you can ask
Speaker 2: yourself if you're not sure and you're a fens hitter
Speaker 2: and you're like, am I crazy? Or is he doing
Speaker 2: this to me? They suggest you go to a friend
Speaker 2: or someone that's close to both of you and just say,
Speaker 2: don't protect me, don't sugarcoat it. Tell me do you
Speaker 2: agree the way he treats me? Do you agree the
Speaker 2: way things he says to me? And just ask them
Speaker 2: because you know that these people love you and they're
Speaker 2: going to tell you the truth. And if you go
Speaker 2: to them and say, don't sugarcoat it, give it to
Speaker 2: me hard, give me the hard truth, they will do
Speaker 2: that and you're going to learn a lot from that
Speaker 2: because these people only want the best for you.
Speaker 1: You're going to go to your friends and ask them
Speaker 1: for their cold, hard and honest opinion about your partner
Speaker 1: and about your relationship. Then you need to be really
Speaker 1: ready to make some changes because it's really an unfair
Speaker 1: position to put your friends in to say, hey, give
Speaker 1: me or give me your opinion on my partner who
Speaker 1: treats me like shit. And they're going to tell you
Speaker 1: that and then be like.
Speaker 2: Sweet, we're going to stay together because we love each
Speaker 2: other forever.
Speaker 1: Like that's not fair and I've done that to my
Speaker 1: friends before and it makes it really uncomfortable for them.
Speaker 1: So I think you can only really do that if
Speaker 1: you're at a point and at a at a crossroad
Speaker 1: where you need to make some hard decisions and you're
Speaker 1: ready to make those hard decisions, because otherwise it just
Speaker 1: becomes them against you. They feel uncomfortable because they have
Speaker 1: now said the wrong thing about your partner, and it's
Speaker 1: just it's can open up a whole other can of
Speaker 1: worms with your relationship with your nearest and dearest. I think,
Speaker 1: just on what Brits said as well, like you know
Speaker 1: this is happening, draw a line in the sand in
Speaker 1: the way that you communicate with your partner. And as
Speaker 1: soon as you start seeing it happen in your conflicts,
Speaker 1: So when you have gone to your partner and said
Speaker 1: this has upset me, and as soon as you start
Speaker 1: seeing their behavior when they're like that didn't happen or
Speaker 1: they're not acknowledging it, you call a space of spade
Speaker 1: and say, like this, this conversation is not going to
Speaker 1: happen like this. I am not going to sit here
Speaker 1: and not be validated for the way I feel. You're
Speaker 1: not going to tell me that this didn't happen because
Speaker 1: I know it happened, and you really have to stand
Speaker 1: so strong in what you know is reality and what
Speaker 1: you believe and the way that you feel. Don't get crazy,
Speaker 1: don't get angry, don't yell, don't scream, because that is
Speaker 1: exactly the reaction that they want, because they want you
Speaker 1: to yell. They want you to scream because by you
Speaker 1: yelling and screaming, it means that they get to then
Speaker 1: flip it and say, well.
Speaker 2: You're the one acting crazy now, because you kind of are.
Speaker 2: But they've created that situation.
Speaker 1: So I think be very very mindful to not deliver
Speaker 1: the sort of conflict and not deliver the sort of
Speaker 1: argument that they're looking for.
Speaker 2: Something they suggest that you can do in terms of that,
Speaker 2: in terms of really nailing down the moment you're saying,
Speaker 2: am I crazy? Is to sort truth from distortion. So
Speaker 2: after you've had a conversation or a situation like this,
Speaker 2: immediately after right down in a journal what happened to
Speaker 2: the point of the dialogue. Flow, write down what he said,
Speaker 2: write down what you've said, and then write down your feelings.
Speaker 2: That way you can track, you can pinpoint where your
Speaker 2: partner starts to go from reality into gas lighting into making.
Speaker 2: You can see the switch, and that way, it's so
Speaker 2: common for women and men. But it's so common to
Speaker 2: have a fight, have an argument, and you're so upset
Speaker 2: and you you know you deserve better. But a week later,
Speaker 2: two weeks later, it's forgotten because you're back in love, and.
Speaker 1: You forget facts like you forget details, like you might
Speaker 1: be like, well, on Tuesday you said this, and it's like, fuck,
Speaker 1: I can't remember it was Tuesday or Wednesday, Like I don't.
Speaker 2: I don't keep a mentally, I'm not keeping tabs on
Speaker 2: everything that you've done. I just know that this week,
Speaker 2: these several things have happened. That's upset me.
Speaker 1: I don't know the time, date and place of all
Speaker 1: of them, so stop trying to trip me up on details.
Speaker 2: Well, that way, you've got the facts. You've got the facts,
Speaker 2: you can see where it strays from reality, and you
Speaker 2: can go back and remember and reread how you felt
Speaker 2: in that situation and just how far from the truth
Speaker 2: your partner strayed, how he made you feel.
Speaker 1: This is such an important tool for your own sanity
Speaker 1: to keep a journal of these sorts of things. If
Speaker 1: you are in a very, very toxic place, but I
Speaker 1: do also think that if you're at a point where
Speaker 1: you need to keep a journal of your arguments with
Speaker 1: your partner, then you have some pretty big questions that
Speaker 1: you need to ask yourself, because that's a really dark
Speaker 1: place to be at. I don't think that anyone should
Speaker 1: ever be at a point in their relationship where they
Speaker 1: need to journal or write down the fights that they're
Speaker 1: having to be able to say, well, this is what happened,
Speaker 1: and this is what you said. I think that that
Speaker 1: in itself is such a huge indication that your relationship
Speaker 1: is so far gone past the point of repair that
Speaker 1: you need to start making some choices for yourself and everything.
Speaker 1: I'm so with you on this brick because everything that
Speaker 1: I read was like the best way of dealing with
Speaker 1: of someone who's gas letting you is to keep a
Speaker 1: journal and to keep information and to be able to
Speaker 1: kind of like time stamp this sort of conversation.
Speaker 2: But that just to me. I'm like, if you need
Speaker 2: to do that, then you need to leave for sure.
Speaker 2: But the thing is, it's easy for us to say
Speaker 2: that now we've both been in it, and we know
Speaker 2: it's not that easy about saying leave. So that's why
Speaker 2: we're actually telling you steps and giving you a proce
Speaker 2: And the next step in figuring this out is engaging
Speaker 2: in some mental exercises and it's literally to shift your
Speaker 2: mindset because you're in this controlling relationship and this life
Speaker 2: where you can't imagine your life without this person. So
Speaker 2: they suggest that to shift your mindset, you start to
Speaker 2: do these exercises where you just start to visualize your
Speaker 2: life without your partner, visualize it on your own. What
Speaker 2: would you be doing differently, what could you be doing differently,
Speaker 2: what opportunities would come to you, and to start to
Speaker 2: think about your life without the other person, because chances
Speaker 2: are if you're in this relationship, you have been codependent
Speaker 2: for a very long time. You have felt like you
Speaker 2: can't make those decisions on your own. You don't know
Speaker 2: what you would do on your own. So that is
Speaker 2: a huge as for me, someone that's super into meditation.
Speaker 2: Your mindset can change your whole path and the journey
Speaker 2: that you're on. So to start being and think about
Speaker 2: it positively. Don't think I'm on my own, I'm going
Speaker 2: to be lonely, i don't know where to go, I'll
Speaker 2: have no one, I'll have nothing to do. You have
Speaker 2: to think of it in a positive light. I'm gonna
Speaker 2: have all this time to start these new hobbies. I
Speaker 2: can finally go and travel to this country because if
Speaker 2: he never wanted to go there.
Speaker 1: I can finally find somebody at some point who treats
Speaker 1: me with love and respect, who I don't feel is
Speaker 1: crazy with every single second of every single day, just
Speaker 1: like on this whole idea of like meditating and projecting
Speaker 1: a life of like what you could have if you
Speaker 1: weren't with somebody who makes you feel crazy all the time. Yes,
Speaker 1: I understand, and I've been there, Like, trust me, I've
Speaker 1: been so deep in the trenches in this type of
Speaker 1: relationship where I felt like I couldn't imagine my life
Speaker 1: without them, and I couldn't see like I couldn't see
Speaker 1: the forest of the trees. But what you need to
Speaker 1: ask yourself as well, is you are so unhappy in
Speaker 1: that relationship, Like a relationship where someone gas lights you
Speaker 1: is such an unhappy place to be in. And being
Speaker 1: on your own means that you get to control your
Speaker 1: own happiness. So when you're with someone who treats you badly,
Speaker 1: when you're in a toxic relationship, your happiness is so volatile.
Speaker 1: It grows up and down, up and down, high, so high,
Speaker 1: and then so low, all dependent on that other person
Speaker 1: and how that other person treats you and how that
Speaker 1: other person makes you feel. But when you take control
Speaker 1: back and you actually start living for yourself and making
Speaker 1: those decisions for yourself, you take ownership over your own
Speaker 1: happiness again, and you no longer have those peaks and troughs.
Speaker 1: You get to decide when you're happy, You get to
Speaker 1: decide what makes you happy, and you will honestly start
Speaker 1: living in this constantness of having control in your life,
Speaker 1: which I think is something that when you regain that
Speaker 1: after being after being out of control for so long,
Speaker 1: it's just like the most incredible experience.
Speaker 2: I'm really sat in this one and thought about it
Speaker 2: for a long time because I think a lot of
Speaker 2: people will understand this. But when you're having this argument,
Speaker 2: when you're trying to figure out your situation, your relationship,
Speaker 2: don't worry about who's right and who's wrong. Don't be
Speaker 2: like I'm right, you're he's like i'm right, you're right,
Speaker 2: you're wrong, you're wrong. It's not about who's right and wrong.
Speaker 2: It's about the feelings that you feel in that situation.
Speaker 2: Maybe he is right, but how did you feel in
Speaker 2: that journey? How did you feeling that conversation, Because your
Speaker 2: feelings are far more important than he was right in
Speaker 2: the conversation, And a lot of people really get swept
Speaker 2: up in that. They A woman will walk away to
Speaker 2: her friends and she will almost validate, She'll almost validate
Speaker 2: it by saying, well, you know he was right, that's irrelevant.
Speaker 2: He made you feel like absolutely dirt the whole time,
Speaker 2: and that is more important than the fact that he
Speaker 2: was right. Yeah.
Speaker 1: But also, like just with any conflict, like and I
Speaker 1: think that this is this is important with any like
Speaker 1: a disagreement in life, Like, for example, Matt doesn't have
Speaker 1: to agree with me, Like if we're having a fight,
Speaker 1: I don't and I feel a certain way about something.
Speaker 1: He doesn't need to agree that I'm right, like that's
Speaker 1: not what the fight is. But he does need to
Speaker 1: validate that he understands that I feel a certain way
Speaker 1: about something. So maybe I'm wrong, Like maybe maybe I'm
Speaker 1: totally wrong, maybe he does do enough housework right, maybe
Speaker 1: I am being a little bit irrational, But he still
Speaker 1: needs to say I understand that you're upset and what
Speaker 1: can I do to help make this better? You still
Speaker 1: need to validate that someone is upset and someone is
Speaker 1: hurting by completely disregarding that, you're disregarding any way for growth,
Speaker 1: you're disregarding any way for the two of you to
Speaker 1: be able to kind of resolve this situation amicably. It
Speaker 1: becomes about exactly what Bridges said, I'm right, you're wrong.
Speaker 1: I'm big, you're small. I have control you don't. And
Speaker 1: that's not what conflict or conversation or arguments should be about.
Speaker 2: When we were sort of looking into this, I did
Speaker 2: learn a new word. I learn a new term, and
Speaker 2: it's like a subcategory of gas lighting, and I wanted
Speaker 2: to highlight it because I had never heard of it before.
Speaker 1: It's called bright siding. It is something that we spoke
Speaker 1: about though. So this was like very opportunistic in that
Speaker 1: when we did the miscarriage episode a couple of weeks
Speaker 1: back now, when one of the things I spoke about
Speaker 1: on that episode is that people often unintentionally make the
Speaker 1: situation worse by constantly telling you like, oh, like you know,
Speaker 1: you should be positive about the fact that you already
Speaker 1: had the baby, or like lucky it was really early,
Speaker 1: and there's this a little bit of insensitivity that comes
Speaker 1: with people trying to make you feel better about the
Speaker 1: whole fact that you're having a miscarriage. And then Britt
Speaker 1: was talking about this episode and she came across this word,
Speaker 1: which is bright siding, like.
Speaker 2: Literally, look on the bright side. That's where it has
Speaker 2: come from, people constantly saying look on the bright side.
Speaker 1: And it's another way of gas lighting, I guess, but
Speaker 1: it's definitely not a severe and it comes with good intention,
Speaker 1: but it's the same concept. And what bright siding is
Speaker 1: is that means that somebody is putting their own discomfort
Speaker 1: and having a conversation with you. So, for example, if
Speaker 1: you're telling someone that you've had a miscarriage, they don't
Speaker 1: want to feel uncomfortable in that conversation, and so their
Speaker 1: response to say like, oh, you know, like lucky it
Speaker 1: was early on is an attempt for them to make
Speaker 1: the situation better so that they don't feel uncomfortable, And
Speaker 1: it's not validating the hurt that you feel, because by
Speaker 1: validating the hurt that you feel, there is this error
Speaker 1: of like, oh, it's it's uncomfortable to deal with someone's grief.
Speaker 1: It's uncomfortable to deal with someone's pain. It's uncomfortable to
Speaker 1: deal with somebody else who feels uncomfortable. So we do,
Speaker 1: and I think a lot of us do this just
Speaker 1: a normal like life and day to day like problems.
Speaker 1: It's it's like easier to say, oh, you know, the
Speaker 1: situation is not as bad as you're making it out.
Speaker 2: Or it's literally like having someone before speedter shit sandwich
Speaker 2: but saying to them you should be appreciating the free lunch.
Speaker 2: Oh I like that, Yeah, let them let them sit
Speaker 2: in the fact that they're eating a shit sandwich. Yeah
Speaker 2: they're getting free food. For sure, they're still shit, but
Speaker 2: it's shit. So there's this, and it's really hard because
Speaker 2: somebody like me, I'm a very optimistic person and I
Speaker 2: do want to look on the bright side of things
Speaker 2: as much as possible, but I am I like to
Speaker 2: think I'm pretty careful with it and I can assess
Speaker 2: the situation and I do try to realize that I
Speaker 2: want to be here for you and support you and
Speaker 2: be positive. But there are times where you're like, you
Speaker 2: know what, this is shit, and let's just sit in
Speaker 2: this for a minute because there's nothing we can say
Speaker 2: so that I think that it's really hard and it's
Speaker 2: a really fine line, and you can't hold it against
Speaker 2: your friends or anyone in your life if they do
Speaker 2: say these things to you or they are bright siding you,
Speaker 2: because you have to know that this isn't a narcissistic
Speaker 2: or manipulative or malicious type of gas lighting. It's an
Speaker 2: unintentional type of gaslighting. But like you said with your
Speaker 2: miscarriage chat, it doesn't help the situation, and sometimes people
Speaker 2: need to just have someone say to them that sucks
Speaker 2: bright siding.
Speaker 1: Bright siding, which is like just a tangent of gas lighting.
Speaker 1: It is definitely not as bad as gas lighting, and
Speaker 1: it is not an intentional, malicious.
Speaker 2: Evil thing that we do like it. It is so
Speaker 2: far from that. But it's just an interesting thing that like,
Speaker 2: as human behavior, we want to kind of make people
Speaker 2: feel better, but by doing that, sometimes we make people
Speaker 2: feel worse. And when brit brought it up, I was like,
Speaker 2: Oh my god, that is that's that word. That's that
Speaker 2: thing that we were talking about. And I didn't know
Speaker 2: that it had a name, but now it has a name.
Speaker 2: We did ask does We didn't know how to label it.
Speaker 2: We didn't know what it was, But everything's got to label, guys,
Speaker 2: and so you know a label. If you're in a
Speaker 2: relationship with someone and you feel like you that they're
Speaker 2: gas lighting you, then you need to have conversations around this.
Speaker 2: You need to make some changes in your life because
Speaker 2: it's such as scary and uncomfortable and like belittling place
Speaker 2: to be and in your relationship.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, girlfriend, you deserve so much more than that.
Speaker 1: And if I think it's more friends, probably who brightside.
Speaker 1: I think it's friends who have good intention to try
Speaker 1: and make you feel better. But I do think that
Speaker 1: sometimes sometimes it's misguided. And it's also okay to have
Speaker 1: a conversation with your friends and say that you know,
Speaker 1: you don't need them to make you feel better, you
Speaker 1: just need them to listen. And that's that's an important
Speaker 1: conversation to have as well. Both different, both very important.
Speaker 2: I really really am passionate about this topic and I'm
Speaker 2: so glad that we put this out there and put
Speaker 2: it together. And as somebody that has been through it
Speaker 2: to the extreme and on basic level as well, I
Speaker 2: hope that you guys got something from this. And I
Speaker 2: think this is the sort of episode that maybe you
Speaker 2: know a friend or you know someone that is in
Speaker 2: this sort of a toxic situation but you don't know
Speaker 2: how to approach it. It might be as simple as
Speaker 2: just sending them this episode, tag them in it, say
Speaker 2: listen to these girls, and then they might sort of
Speaker 2: have some triggers and there might be some things that
Speaker 2: stick out to them during this episode, and they'll they'll
Speaker 2: get there on their own, or maybe they can listen
Speaker 2: to it and then you can talk to them as
Speaker 2: a friend. Then you can say, once you've listened to it,
Speaker 2: let's have a chat. But here to be that little
Speaker 2: subtle soothing voice in your ear? So are we soothing?
Speaker 2: I don't know it's my laugh soothing? Jesus Christ. No,
Speaker 2: do you know what? I almost feel like? You know,
Speaker 2: when you hang out with someone too much, you start
Speaker 2: to like get their characteristics. I feel like you hang
Speaker 2: around me too, Like I think we're hanging around to
Speaker 2: each other too much that I think sometimes your laugh
Speaker 2: gets a bit magnic like mine, Like I'm worried I'm
Speaker 2: rubbing off on you.
Speaker 1: Okay, you think that it's you, You're you're the influence.
Speaker 2: No, sometimes your laugh gets a bit mannic, and I'm
Speaker 2: like she's caught it.
Speaker 1: No, I think I've always had a bit of a
Speaker 1: manic laugh. To be honest, I think I just kept
Speaker 1: it under wraps at the start, and I'm.
Speaker 2: Like, free the beast. You want to know something funny.
Speaker 2: When I went on The Bachelor, we finished as that
Speaker 2: is like, that's us rapping. Oh yeah, gas lighting's over, guys,
Speaker 2: next topic. When I went on the Bachelor, I just
Speaker 2: thought of this now. My family was like, have fun.
Speaker 2: Just just be yourself because you're great, like you know,
Speaker 2: be just be kind. But if we have any advice
Speaker 2: for you, it's just don't let the laugh out.
Speaker 1: That's what they say, which I just want to say, guys, Like,
Speaker 1: one of the biggest points of like, like the most
Speaker 1: highlighted review that we get is that people are like,
Speaker 1: I fucking love Britney's laugh and I fucking love Britney's laughing.
Speaker 2: It's out there, you're here for it. I'm also just
Speaker 2: on that.
Speaker 1: This is like before we get into ask gun Card,
Speaker 1: I just want to throw this one out there. We
Speaker 1: have had so many incredibly wonderful reviews lately and I
Speaker 1: am just like beyond gobsmacked and so grateful and we
Speaker 1: both like from time to time send them to each
Speaker 1: other because we're like, oh my god, you know, here's
Speaker 1: a bit of a confidence boost for you. But we
Speaker 1: love making this podcast so much, and we love having
Speaker 1: these chats, and we love putting them out there, and
Speaker 1: it just fills us with so much gratitude that we
Speaker 1: know that this has helped some of you at different
Speaker 1: points in your life. And that's the whole purpose of
Speaker 1: what we're doing this for. If you walk away from
Speaker 1: some of these episodes feeling empowered, if you walk away
Speaker 1: from them feeling supported, that is the whole purpose of this.
Speaker 1: And so for every single person who has left a
Speaker 1: positive review or has reached out like we are so
Speaker 1: humbled and so incredibly grateful for that.
Speaker 2: I thank you, going to put that in there. Thank you,
Speaker 2: thank you, thank you.
Speaker 1: All Right, guys, so I did throw a little stanner
Speaker 1: in the works and say that we were going to
Speaker 1: do and ask un Kart on today's episode if you
Speaker 1: had to be prepared.
Speaker 2: Well, let's just have to say, even though you didn't
Speaker 2: know we were doing it, you got one. Well, but
Speaker 2: I didn't know, But I'm just super I like this.
Speaker 2: I like a prepared woman.
Speaker 1: So because we you know, obviously we didn't do the
Speaker 1: Tuesday episode Thursday EPP's meant to be asked on cart
Speaker 1: We get so many freaking questions from you guys, and
Speaker 1: we love it, so I don't want to deal with
Speaker 1: the backlog, So we're just going to do one question
Speaker 1: because this is already going to be a super long episode.
Speaker 1: So one question, Britt, come at.
Speaker 2: Me, bra I met this guy just before we went
Speaker 2: into isolation, literally three days. As soon as we went
Speaker 2: into lockdown, it was all on. He was all over me.
Speaker 2: We were still seeing each other, so we were sort
Speaker 2: of isolating together and it was absolutely fantastic. In the
Speaker 2: last week, since restrictions have started to lift, he has
Speaker 2: gone a bit colder. I'm not really hearing from him anymore,
Speaker 2: and I think he's pulling back because I so he's lifting.
Speaker 2: What do I do? How do I approach this? Is
Speaker 2: that a thing?
Speaker 3: Oh?
Speaker 2: Girlfriend? Oh it's such a thing. Oh it's such a thing.
Speaker 2: And you're not alone? This is okay. I feel like
Speaker 2: there's going to be a lot of people who are
Speaker 2: going to be in this situation and it's shit because
Speaker 2: you've just invested what like seven weeks of your life
Speaker 2: into someone and in a way, like, I think the
Speaker 2: thing that we really need to think about with this
Speaker 2: is that it's seven weeks of real intensity, because if
Speaker 2: you have isolated with that person, it's not just like, oh, I've.
Speaker 1: Been seeing this guy for seven weeks. It's like five, six,
Speaker 1: seven weeks of every single day, almost all day, being
Speaker 1: in each other's space. So that's that is like a
Speaker 1: full baptism of fire. That is a pressure cooker of
Speaker 1: a relationship from the start. It's understandable, and one of
Speaker 1: the things I'm sympathizing with is that you're probably a
Speaker 1: lot more emotionally invested than what you would be normally
Speaker 1: if you had just met a guy and you'd casually
Speaker 1: dated for five weeks.
Speaker 2: Oh. Absolutely, things are so heightened in this environment. I
Speaker 2: feel like it's the Bachelor Mansion all over again. It's literally, Yeah,
Speaker 2: I was like almost engaged after three months of knowing
Speaker 2: a guy, So I like, you think you love them
Speaker 2: after three days, but I did. The idea is you
Speaker 2: are in an environment where if you've just started seeing
Speaker 2: someone and you're locked down, all you're thinking about, or
Speaker 2: you're speaking the only person you're speaking to, you're spending
Speaker 2: all your time with this person. But I am going
Speaker 2: to give you some tough love here and say, if
Speaker 2: he's pulling back now just because he's free, A, you're
Speaker 2: too good for him. B. You could always have the
Speaker 2: conversation with him. But girl, it is about to be
Speaker 2: a froth fest. As soon as we are out of here,
Speaker 2: it is going to be insane, the dating the people
Speaker 2: that are out, everyone's going to be wanting to meet
Speaker 2: new people. So I think you don't put too much
Speaker 2: pressure on it. And see, it sucks and it's unfortunate,
Speaker 2: and you don't want to think that you were in it,
Speaker 2: but it sounds like potentially you were in a situationship
Speaker 2: and that ladies and gentlemen is a thing. I am
Speaker 2: still dealing deeply with the fact that you said froth fest,
Speaker 2: but I'm gonna overlook that for one second. He's actually
Speaker 2: will be a froth fest. I'm so deeply traumatized.
Speaker 1: But what I want to say is like this, like
Speaker 1: if this is what this guy's done, Like if he
Speaker 1: has just bunkered down with you first six weeks, like
Speaker 1: that's shit, Like he has treated you badly and that
Speaker 1: is a really, really shit thing to do to someone,
Speaker 1: to use them emotionally and physically to be able to
Speaker 1: have them as a support person because he didn't want
Speaker 1: to be on his own. Like that is a that
Speaker 1: is all characteristics of a bad, bad guy and someone
Speaker 1: who doesn't respect you, and someone who doesn't respect your time,
Speaker 1: and someone who doesn't respect your feelings. So I'm like already, Like,
Speaker 1: if he's pulling back now and actually like not giving
Speaker 1: you the attention and the love and affirmation that he
Speaker 1: was giving you last week, and you really do genuinely
Speaker 1: think it's because the lockdown is lifting, then that for
Speaker 1: me is like red flag, red flag, red flag, red flag,
Speaker 1: but some distance in place, because you are not somebody's
Speaker 1: emotional sounding board. You're not there just to make somebody
Speaker 1: else feel better. And if you really thought this was
Speaker 1: a relationship and something that you'd invested your time and
Speaker 1: you'll love into, then you need to take care of
Speaker 1: yourself now if you're not being treated the way you deserve.
Speaker 2: I agree, And I do want to add one thing,
Speaker 2: and it's I guess it's in a way I'm bright,
Speaker 2: but I think in a situation like this, it's important
Speaker 2: to not necessarily straight away feel defensive and like he
Speaker 2: used you, but maybe look at it like you were
Speaker 2: both in a really bad situation that the whole world,
Speaker 2: no one expected it, no one you want to do
Speaker 2: with it, and you probably helped each other through it.
Speaker 2: You found each other at the right time. I'm sure
Speaker 2: he helped you through it a lot. I'm sure he
Speaker 2: made the experience better. And maybe that's just a nicer
Speaker 2: way to look at it. Okay, he's not my penguin.
Speaker 2: It sucks, but I probably wouldn't have had such a
Speaker 2: good time or had the support I needed in this
Speaker 2: time if it wasn't for him. So it's just another
Speaker 2: way to have a look at it.
Speaker 1: No, I don't think that's bright siding, And I actually
Speaker 1: love that, Like I mean, I had I was like,
Speaker 1: the guy's a dickhead. No, but I love that you've
Speaker 1: said that because I think that that's so true. Like,
Speaker 1: you know, you can focus on the negative parts of
Speaker 1: the fact that the relationship hasn't or isn't working out,
Speaker 1: but the relationship may not have worked out anyway. So
Speaker 1: if you've been able to get support in love and
Speaker 1: during a really really stressful and anxious time have someone
Speaker 1: there to come, you know, to be at home with,
Speaker 1: than to have fun with then that's really special in
Speaker 1: and of itself. You know, not every relationship that we
Speaker 1: have in life needs to turn into the one.
Speaker 2: No, it just can't. Possibly, it's part of the journey.
Speaker 2: He was part of your journey, and he got you
Speaker 2: to where you are. And if that's the case, then
Speaker 2: you can look back at that time fondly. It doesn't
Speaker 2: have to be a really negative memory for you, because
Speaker 2: we're all going to remember Corona for the rest of
Speaker 2: our lives. Also, maybe you have some really good stories
Speaker 2: from your time in isolation exactly well in your house
Speaker 2: and more stories than I got. All right, Laura, you
Speaker 2: know we never finished an episode, but that our suck
Speaker 2: and our sweet, our highlights, lowlights, the best, the worst.
Speaker 2: What happened to you this week?
Speaker 1: Well, my low light was definitely Marley being sick. Like
Speaker 1: that's a that's a low low low light. It's pretty
Speaker 1: much off. The light is off.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's the electricity is cut. Yes, thank you for
Speaker 2: running with my joke. It wasn't even funny in the
Speaker 2: first but I'm here for you and I always try
Speaker 2: to make sport.
Speaker 1: So my low light was Marley being sick. My low
Speaker 1: light was also missing the EPP. My other low light
Speaker 1: is that I have to stay up and edit this EPP.
Speaker 1: There's a few low light Laura.
Speaker 2: It doesn't know the rules. You're only supposed to have one.
Speaker 2: But I'm going to give it to you this week.
Speaker 2: You deserve it. Thank you, thank you soo much. My
Speaker 2: highlight is oh look, my highlight's boring. It's too hot
Speaker 2: to handle. I really enjoyed it. Like guys, I'm here
Speaker 2: for the shit TV watch it. It was great.
Speaker 1: If you have five eight hour I can't even know.
Speaker 1: It's like, it's like, who knows how many episodes it is,
Speaker 1: but it's great. I think that's my heart.
Speaker 2: I think it's eight. I'm okay, So my second swite
Speaker 2: I'm going to preempt it. Well.
Speaker 1: Also, Matt has cooked dinner almost every night this week.
Speaker 1: That's also my highlight. He's been an angel.
Speaker 2: That's amazing. An angel. Shout out to Maddie J.
Speaker 1: He's an angel sent from the heavens. All you have
Speaker 1: to do is get angry at them once and then
Speaker 1: they really pull themselves into lime.
Speaker 2: Well, I'm going to preempt my second suite with firstly
Speaker 2: my suck. Yes, I'm aware we're at different points. Of
Speaker 2: our life and my suck is ridiculous. But it sucked.
Speaker 2: I shouted myself a coffee machine, like a little at
Speaker 2: home coffee machine, because I thought I'm gonna save heaps
Speaker 2: of money by not buying my coffees out every day.
Speaker 2: Bought this machine. Then I went ham buying the pods
Speaker 2: for it. Must have had like a hundred pods, because
Speaker 2: you love the environment. They're acyclable, you know, are they? Oh? Sorry,
Speaker 2: continue shouted myself. Some pods, went hardcore, went ham, got
Speaker 2: probably one hundred pods because I was just gonna use
Speaker 2: them for the rest of my life. I got the
Speaker 2: wrong sized pods. They don't fit into my coffee machine,
Speaker 2: don't have my receipt, can't return them. I now have. Well,
Speaker 2: so you really do hate the environment? Hate? Yeare you
Speaker 2: go unintentionally though? Oh that's a real way. So I
Speaker 2: put them up on bonde loop. I'm just gonna throw
Speaker 2: them out like I don't. You get no throw them
Speaker 2: like you get a pod, you get a pod likedy
Speaker 2: for Maybe I could take them now I got an
Speaker 2: espresso machine. That's a shame. Okay, fancy pants, we really
Speaker 2: went all out. My sweet was actually it was Laura,
Speaker 2: it was you this week. Laura knows me very well,
Speaker 2: and she gave me the gift of cookie dough. She
Speaker 2: gave me a log of Bennett Street cookie dough. She
Speaker 2: knows how much I love it. And it was as
Speaker 2: simple as that. It was just a little deed that
Speaker 2: made my week.
Speaker 1: Brittany is a very very easy person to please, so
Speaker 1: long as it is calorie dense and full of sugar.
Speaker 1: She is the happiest woman on this planet. I'm here
Speaker 1: for it. Guys, thank you so much for listening to
Speaker 1: another episode. And like I know we've already said it,
Speaker 1: but I'm so sorry that we couldn't get Tuesday to you.
Speaker 1: We really do try and be so like consistent and
Speaker 1: disciplined with getting this out. But you know what, sometimes
Speaker 1: life just throws your curveball.
Speaker 2: Some may say sometimes life is uncut. Who would say that, Brittany, Well,
Speaker 2: we would.
Speaker 3: No.
Speaker 2: Guys, we appreciate, we appreciate you there. We appreciate your
Speaker 2: support and your love and the fact that you keep
Speaker 2: coming back. And guys, if you haven't signed up for
Speaker 2: our Facebook page, we have a really beautiful, supportive and
Speaker 2: hilarious little community going on at Life un Cup podcast,
Speaker 2: jump on Facebook, falls on Instagram, hit five stars, leave review,
Speaker 2: tell your dog, tell you mom, tell you Nan, and
Speaker 2: share the love because we love love